"He''s beautiful, Jimmy Jack," the other side of the Crystal Stone appraised JJ''s newest tag team partner.


    "Thank ya, Cinty. His name is Captain Kickass!"


    The pair''s first excursion had gone flawlessly. The entrance to Generica awaited nearby. Aboard his mighty steed, Gnarl''s Bastards hadn''t even been a concern as they crossed the Hub. The novelty of the little guy hadn''t worn off. He was a game changer; a game breaker. It was almost too easy. With this cheat code, Jimmy Jack''s mission would be a hundredfold easier.


    "Whoops," Jacinta remembered a key detail but not before Captain Kickass started freaking out. "The Lands of the Trials have been doused with anti-horse magic."


    "ANTI-HORSE MAGIC?" JJ was aghast.


    "I''m afraid you will have to venture through Generica alone. Do not fret, though, I have the utmost faith in your abilities! Good luck, Jimmy Jack!"


    "My hero!"


    "Oh great, this fuckin'' guy again," Jimmy Jack whispered, loudly.


    "This is the rustic kingdom of Generica. Once a serene land, Gnarl''s forces have rotted the Blessed Oak, negating his powers of protection and leaving its people defenseless against monsters. My hero, you must enter the cursed guardian and rid him of his pox!"


    "Wait, wait, wait," the attempted liberator had a burning question. "My first major challenge is to go inside a tree and kill some kind of parasite?"


    "Yes, my hero," Waldron applauded the understanding. "You catch on quickly."


    "I''m tellin'' ya: this is just fuckin'' Zelda."


    "No, my hero, it is Generica."


    "Just tell me how to get where I need to get."


    "Take the right path of the fork. It shall take you to Generica Clearing. From there, you''ll encounter a bevy of heinous..."


    "Why don''t I just take the left side then?"


    "My hero, that leads to the Mossy Maze and the Blade of Benevolence it protects. You have neither the correct path through the maze nor the blessing of the Sword Spirit. You wouldn''t last a minute!"


    "Whatever. So you were yammering about this clearing?"


    "Outlast the monsters and survive to the other side. There, your Trial shall begin in earnest."


    "Begin?"


    "Yes, my hero, for you must cross the Pain Forest to reach Grassy Grove, home of the Blessed Oak. The terrors that await in the forest make the creatures of the clearing seem quaint!"


    "We''ll see, I guess."


    Jimmy Jack began to walk off before Waldron started his goodbyes. Leaving Captain Kickass behind, the adventurer set off. Within minutes, he came across the verdant meadow. That dumbass little fox had been so ignorant. The clearing was the most peaceful piece of real estate Jimmy Jack had seen since his quest kicked off. The only thing intimidating about it was the hike across. Jimmy Jack took an annoyed breath and took the first of countless steps across the Arcadia.


    "Gleehee," an impish snaggletooth burst from nowhere shortly after the first blades crunched under Jimmy Jack''s boots. The cobalt cretin only came up to the base of the 5'' 8'''' (and a half!) man''s neck but that scimitar looked ready to make them even.


    "Back to Hell," the amateur swordsman, yet to land a satisfying blow since his arrival, swatted at the strafing attacker. Smarter and more pragmatic than it looked, the enemy slashed JJ''s chest. Another hunk of HP was hacked after a missed overhead from our hero.


    Already breathing heavy, Jimmy Jack decided the fight was not crucial to win. All he had to do was make it to the end of the clearing. After a short chase, the goblin gave up and disappeared to whence it came. With a smirk, the general kept running closer to the next zone, his progress thwarted by what seemed to be an armadillo with quills on its shell. Smashing into the intruder''s shin with a spiky roll, the chimera drew the ire of Jimmy Jack, who was eager to rid the pest, who allowed its predator to smack it as hard as it could on its backside that not even solid steel could solve.


    The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.


    "Son of a bitch," the recoil slapped him right between the eyes. Near death, Jimmy Jack pulled out the serum he had bought back at Marketia and glugged it down, returning to full strength. Fuck this. These battles were just wasting his time.


    Retreating once more, Jimmy Jack was now about 40% across the glen. As long as he kept his head down and didn''t get into any more fights, he was golden. A couple more of those small devils popped up only to be ignored. A bee''s nest hung on a small tree that looked like it was the perfect hiding place for a mediocre treasure but it didn''t take a genius to know those were not to be messed with. Jimmy Jack already knew he was definitely allergic to stings probably. With less than a quarter to go, it looked like the turn and burn strategy was about to pay off.


    "ROARRRRR," a bellicose bellow shook the glade.


    Nearly pissing himself, Jimmy Jack foolishly turned around at the source of the sound. A bear, frothing at the maw, was gaining on him. Not only that but three more of those sinister sprites and two of the porcudillos joined the party. The forest was only a few more seconds of evasion away.  If he didn''t start shit, there wouldn''t be any shit. He could do this.


    "Ow," an arrow from an archer collapsed Jimmy Jack.


    The cavalry ambushed. Dodging a slingshot pellet cruised Jimmy Jack right into the path of another roll. His life would have come to an end trapped in a stun-lock if one of the party hadn''t decided to get cute. Now heading the wrong way, Jimmy Jack tried to separate himself from the minions. Five of the beasties abandoned the fray but that ursine was persistent. Needing short breaks every so often to refill his meter, JJ was no match for the Energizer Bear.


    "Doof!"


    Jimmy Jack was sure the girthy charge had killed him. Feeling like a light sneeze would take him out, the bruised boy hoped the sumbitch would mercifully finish the job. No dice though. The attack had sent him careening into a small drop. Although it was taller than the fall, the bear refused to follow down. It found a better lunch option in the deer-looking thing it started to chase after but Jimmy Jack knew his end was fast approaching, furry or not.


    "Jimmy Jack?" Princess Jacinta covered her mouth in horror at her last hope''s wounds.


    "Cinty, I''m done for. I can''t handle another hit. I don''t have any healing potions. There''s none of those cookies in sight. I''m done. D-U-N. Done!"


    "Do you have anything to eat?"


    "Nope! I''m stuck in this godforsaken clearing with no food in sight!"


    "Jimmy Jack, I can see plenty of food just from where you''re holding the stone."


    "What are you talkin'' about?"


    "You can cook something."


    "Cook?" Jimmy Jack heard another fatal four letter word.


    "There are mushrooms right there."


    "I''m allergic to mushrooms."


    "You''re allergic to mushrooms? Or you just don''t like mushrooms?"


    "They don''t taste good!"


    "Jimmy Jack, you need to learn to survive in these surroundings."


    "Fine," Jimmy Jack stuck the whole ''shroom in his gullet. "That didn''t help at all!"


    "They''re not the most filling morsels, I will admit. You''ll have to eat many to regain all your life force."


    "There''s only three more!"


    "Gleehee," two crashers spoiled the meal.


    "No, no, no," Jimmy Jack was ready to tap out.


    "Jimmy Jack, look: they''re attacking each other."


    "What luck," Jimmy Jack was able to lethally sneak attack the victor of the civil battle. "These things have been givin'' me hell!"


    "Grunties? Jimmy Jack, they''re Gnarl''s weakest warriors by far. *I* could best them."


    "Uh, I was just kiddin''. I''ve killed, like, four or five thousand of them so far."


    "The one you felled, its heart was removed."


    "So?"


    "Cooked Grunty heart is a well-known elixir! They are savages of the worst variety so not even I can mourn them. I see kindling and flint over there. That new shield of yours would work wonders as a plate."


    "Whoa, whoa, whoa," JJ did a quadruple take. "You want me to eat THIS?"


    "It will heal your wounds greatly."


    "What does it taste like?"


    "I would not know."


    "I guess I could take a bite to try it out."


    "No," Jacinta screamed. "Consumption of raw Grunty heart would kill you in seconds!"


    "Nothing makes sense here!"


    Jimmy Jack collected the items needed for a fire, an exasperated Jacinta coaching him through the process like a Millennial helping a technophobe grandma sign up for Peacock. When the flame was finally lit, Jimmy Jack dumped the organ onto the shield, watching it brown quickly. Using his sword as a makeshift oven mitt, he moved the repurposed buckler to a stump for cool down. A couple minutes later, he bit into the unorthodox dish.


    "This is really fuckin'' good," the critic was surprised at how tasty it was and how refreshed he felt.


    "I knew you would like it if you gave it a chance!"


    "Needs something to go along with it though."


    "You''re still in pain?"


    "No, but I''m still hungry. Hey, that other guy''s arm came right off!"


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "It would be just like a big French fry," the limb hit the returned plate.


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "I mean, it''s not what I would usually eat."


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "And hey, these guys are creeps," Jimmy Jack prepared an odd toast. "They should be nothin'' more than food!"


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "What?" a muffle and then a swallow.


    "Cooked Grunty arm is no good on its own. It needs additives."


    "Nah, it wasn''t that bad. I mean, sure it could use some salt, but...uh oh!"


    "Here is where we part for the time being," Jacinta ended the call as soon as Jimmy Jack turned green.