《Dragons and Shit》


 Nothing Can Go Wrong Today!

    "Ricart, put that down," Queen Sigourney (see, there is another one) admonished her hungry husband.


    "Oh," the robust head of the hierarchy dropped his jowls and the big slab of Doombear meat he had prepared to buzzsaw.


    It was still two minutes to Newday and thus, the start of Creation Day. Celebrating that time long ago when Goodwin the Great, the de facto leader of the Five Siblings that began the communities of the landscape, created the epicenter of the Land of Hydenfell, it was Ricart''s responsibility to usher in a new year for his people as the direct descendant of Goodwin''s first molding. Still a somewhat immature whippersnapper of 200, he was forced into duty earlier than expected after his father''s tragic Snapwolf safari in Freeztia, it took all his mighty resolve to not choke down the entire goblet of that fine red.


    "Sir," Burle, the honcho''s Chief Defender lowered his trident and turned his head rightward to the throne that had been moved to the dining hall. "I just want to say it''s been an honor to serve you and I would never betray you. Certainly not tonight on our most special of days!"


    "Thank you, man! I trust you wholeheartedly."


    Burle returned to an erect position. A towering man of green hue, an example of the Hydenfellian color gamut that ranged from Simpson Yellow to Grimace purple, his size was impressive even considering the statuesque standards of the Kingdom. Even the demure Sigourney was nearly seven feet tall and her daintiest chamber maids could pass for WNBA point guards. Other trademarks included large eyes, tiny noses and pointy ears. While these features looked especially pleasant on the more aesthetically-pleasing citizens, nobody was immune from the famous tongue, as big as Gene Simmons''.


    "Where is Jacinta?" the mother whispered to her beloved. "Is it too much to ask for her to show up on time once."


    "Sorry," the princess announced her presence right before the clock struck what we would call midnight. "I was practicing my didgeridoo."


    "Jacinta," her father furrowed his brow in disappointment. "What did I tell you about wasting your life fiddling around with useless and obscure instruments nobody has ever heard of?"


    All it took was one ethereal smile for daddy to drop the annoyed stance. Princess Jacinta had the purest heart in all of Hydenfell. She was a confidant to everyone regardless of monetary status and a friend to all animals to the point she was dismayed at the Halehog that was to feature as the main entree of this great feast. Knowing the voracious beast would have devoured her given half a chance, she still felt sad at the apple corked in its mangled mouth that served as the creature''s undignified end.


    "3..2...1!"


    "Happy Creation Day, Hydenfell," Ricart rang out boisterously, wasting no time going to town on a Sunberry pie his wife baked herself.


    The spacious room soon became drowned in raucous celebration. The mummers played jaunty tunes, pairs betrothed and unknown alike swung to the music and riveting conversation was shared. The fine folks of Hydenfell never suffered for food but they chowed down on the tender morsels as if they hadn''t eaten for millennia. Everyone was having a wonderful evening, even Jackassius, the town gadfly. It looked to be another resplendent night in a long history of liveliness.


    You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.


    "Where was MY invite to this party?" a pitch black steed with brimstone for eyes burst through the main door, carrying a pugnacious rider the King knew well.


    "Hello......brother," Ricart could not hide his disgust.


    "It is I, your dear kin, Gnarl."


    Gnarl was, to put it elegantly, a dick. A cruel, vindictive and petty man, the bad seed had crashed the shindig after a long tour of pillaging, committing vile acts I can''t even describe here because I didn''t check the Sensitive Content box. Fueled by the hatred of his twin''s arrival 90 seconds before his, Gnarl''s anger at his denial of power had caused him to become the first of his lineage to deny the Golden Promise to uphold peace and tranquility in the home he hated. Also, he may have been super grouchy all the time due to the tusk that painfully connected to his teeth.


    "Nice to see you''re on the straight and narrow," Sigourney rolled her eyes at her swarthy brother-in-law.


    "Great to see you too, Siggy," the interloper met her venom.


    "What do you want, Gnarl?" Ricart was prepared to throw out his brother like he had at so many events before.


    "Y''know, I''ve been traveling a while, really trying to find myself, and I came to the conclusion that I would be fit to serve as a great king of this dump."


    "Ha! My finest jester could not come up with a funnier jape. You''re pathetic, Gnarl. You''re an infected boil on a Strongo''s rocky ass! Go ahead and challenge me for my rule. My people will reject you with extreme prejudice and I will lay the smackdown on you so bad, you''ll hide in your filthy cave for another 100 years!"


    "Darling Ricart, I am not going to ask for dominion. I shall simply seize it."


    "You and what army?"


    "The army of the undead," Gnarl raised his arm and chanted coarse incantations, manifesting a horde of horrid heathens behind him. "Oh yeah, I took up sorcery. Not that you would have known since you don''t give a SHIT about me or anything I do!"


    "Dear Goodwin!"


    "Honey, do something!"


    "Father, what is going on?"


    "Hey, we can still get drinks, right?" an inebriated goer swatted his chalice at the flowing fountain before falling down.


    "Now my revenants and abominations, attack!"


    The fleshless sacks of filth ransacked the mansion, assimilating most of the unnamed characters into their Legion. What had been riotous revelry became howls of hungry hate. Brynn watched in horror as her chivalrous mate Griffold became a snarling cretin. Bone broke, skin snapped and teeth thickened as a putrid smell caused the yet unaffected to vomit. All it took was a gaze into their dead eyes to turn breath into stone. In one minute, the entire guest list had become monstrous turncoats against their will.


    "Sigourney, Jacinta," the fun-loving ruler adopted a serious face. "You know what I must do."


    "The Bell," his baby girl, brimming with knowledge, knew the mythos like the back of her hand. Goodwin had never prepared for Hydenfell to fall into chaos but should that unlikely event come to pass, all the King had to do was ring out a peal from the giant ornament inside the highest tower of Hydenfell Castle and the Great One would awaken from his eons-long slumber. Creating a utopia takes a lot out of a guy!


    "Burle, take my wife and...."


    "Sorry," the behemoth smirked as he removed the bloody fork from his former employer''s twitching body. "Gnarl has serious coin now. Ma''am, princess, you''re lucky I would never harm a woman or child."


    "But I would," Gnarl cackled as he raised a bony blade high in the air. A demonic neigh followed.


    "Warrior from another world, hear my call," Jacinta pleaded to her pendant, hoping that tale of its ability to summon portals in other dimensions wasn''t bullshit; her last prayer before everything went black.

 That Dang Ol Jimmy Jack

    "Jimmy Jack, get your ass up!"


    This was not the Kingdom of Hydenfell. It was another mythical world full of rogues and monsters: Ohio. Like many young fantasy champions, our hero was still aslumber but he was no knight-in-training. His name was Jimmy Jack Doyle and he was getting an early 10:30 wake-up call courtesy of his housemate, who also birthed him over three decades prior.


    "God, I''m up," Jimmy Jack was none too pleased those four hours of rest were over in the blink of an eye. After another pounding knock 15 minutes later, our protagonist rose to his feet and scratched the ass side of his boxers emblazoned with cartoon hamburgers and French fries.


    Continuing to drag ass, it was clear Jimmy Jack had never known the obligation of punctuality. Sporadically-employed, he had just finished a gig where he had put in his two weeks'' notice during orientation. Hopping into the tub for a quick shower, he did the bare minimum when it came to hygiene, neglecting to trim his beard that was moderate in length but thick and jagged like a porcupine''s spikes and willing to look like a 1970s sleazeball if it meant not taking minutes away from his oh-so-precious to shave his unkempt mustache. After a courtesy cleaning of his eroding enamel, which was totally rotting away due to cursed and unavoidable genetics and not the pond''s worth of green soda he had slugged down over his life, it was time to start the day.


    "Jimmy Jack, you better not be back in bed!"


    "UGH!"


    The honorable JJ groaned and meandered to his PC, completely ignoring the four new job openings Indeed had E-mailed him overnight. Booting up Red Dead Redemption 2, Jimmy Jack made sure to alert his iPhone to snap him out of his yee-hawlin every so often so he didn''t get blood clots again. Before he had a chance to take down a legendary gator, mom jump-scared him from behind.


    "Are you ready? Grandma and grandpa will be here at 2:30."


    "Ugh, that''s not this weekend is it?"


    "Jimmy Jack, don''t tell me you forgot about the camping trip?"


    "Do I have to go? I''m feeling a bit....blah."


    "Go to bed sooner and you''ll feel better. Now get out for a second so I can clean. This room is a mess!"


    Jimmy Jack rolled his eyes. Mom was alright and all, but why did she have to bust his balls all the time? His room was fine. Always was. Sure, the bed was mussed, some crumbs from midnight snacks hadn''t made their way to the trash and there were a few teeny-tiny toenail clippings YOU COULD BARELY SEE but his video games were perfectly slotted into place. Hell, looked spic and span to him!


    "How about instead of going camping, we do literally anything else?" Jimmy Jack pleaded. This was grandma and grandpa''s thing with dad and he knew mom was as indoorsy as he was. Why did she never join him on the right side? Sure, as a man who graduated high school during Obama''s first term, he technically had the clout to veto his role in the trip but he knew deep down three days alone would leave him a rotted skeleton on the couch. There were children more self-sufficient and toasters more independent than Jimmy Jack Doyle.


    "They''re in their late 70s, Jimmy Jack," his mom unleashed her finishing move: The Guilt Trip. "Who knows how much time they have left?"


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    While Jimmy Jack was a selfish, petty, goofy, immature, irrational, impulsive, scatter-brained, gluttonous, unfocused, unmotivated, envious, mouthy, arrogant and poorly-smelling person, he was no sociopath. He cared deeply for his family. He just wished they were less like themselves and more exactly like him. Sure, Jimmy Jack and the ''rents lived in a small rural town near the Kentucky and West Virginia borders but that didn''t mean JJ subscribed to agrarian living. Having spent the first ten years of his life deep in the holler, Jimmy Jack cried tears of joy when they finally moved within a half-mile from the local Wendy''s. He was no hunter; no fisherman. He didn''t care for ATVs or roughing it. He was proudly powered by Wi-Fi.


    "Fine. I''ll go," Mrs Doyle was glad he came around although she knew in her heart it wasn''t going to be smooth sailing with him.


    Jimmy Jack began to regret his decision the second the service went out; even more when pops followed grandpa''s RV into the thickets. Were they not staying in the lodge? The one that had air hockey tables, a full arcade and pizza and wings? He had barely signed up for that! He wouldn''t last a day out in the wilderness. Why did his elders have to have some macho BS to prove? Why couldn''t they embrace their beta-ness like he did? This was going to be a nightmare and they hadn''t even parked yet.


    "Smell that?" Pap-Pap Doyle took a big whiff of the isolated air.


    "Smells like shit," Jimmy Jack was quick to joke.


    "Jimmy Jack," Mama shot him a dirty look. They were going to enjoy themselves. She, nor anybody else, wanted to hear any of his ''riffing.''


    JJ soon found himself between a rock and a hard place. Did he face his arch-nemesis, manual labor, and help the other men fetch kindling (which they were adamant he need not come) or did he stay with grandma and mom and hear tales from Facebook? If only he had planned his Nintendo Switch''s battery life out better. This was the worst thing happening to anybody, anywhere. Needing a distraction, Jimmy Jack sat on a lawn chair, furrowed his face in concentration and began mentally rattling off movies that were released between 2000-2009, giving himself one point for each film named. See, you could call him Jimmy "Didn''t Know" Jack when it came to math or astrophysics but JJ was gifted in his own way. For instance: he knew precisely when a lot of movies came out.


    "We''re back," dad announced their return after Jimmy Jack had listed 568 motion pictures of the 2010s. He had even remembered the lost-to-time Yogi Bear film from the decade''s first year.


    Mr Doyle and his father made the campfire. Earl Doyle had made hundreds of them in his life, in addition to the 50+ years he had logged as a mechanic. In his opinion, a man''s hands were his best tool. It was so gratifying to use one''s grit to create. Now retired from back-breaking, he had earned a little time to reconnect to his roots. He had earned some peace. He had earned some quiet.


    "BRRRPPPPP," Jimmy Jack, face smudged with a crude collection of ketchup, mustard, marshmallow and chocolate, punctuated his four second belch by crunching up his third soft drink of the weenie-roast. "I need to take a piss!"


    "Do you need me to follow you, son?"


    "I''ll be fine!"


    "Wipe your face," Mrs Doyle directed.


    "Ok," Jimmy Jack snapped and poorly rubbed his features with the long sleeve of his whitest shirt; attire as impractical as the blue jeans that were also serving as napkins.


    Jimmy Jack was sure he could hear comments about his inadequacies behind him so he continued to march until he was positive he could pee in peace without being told what a huge sack of shit he was. Drenching a bush in a urine stream that would have outlasted a three challenger gauntlet at the Wal-Mart urinals, Jimmy Jack was ready to head back. However, the darkness, and his generally poor sense of direction, caused him to get lost. If you asked him, it wasn''t his fault. There was no need for anyone to be up here. He should have been in bed, getting ready to watch that Megan Fox triple feature on Netflix. Sure, the plots looked boilerplate but Jimmy Jack still thought she was "foine."


    "The hell?" Jimmy collected his balance after a stumble caused by an unknown assassin. Looking back to spot the tripper, he failed to see a second, bigger root that completely knocked him off his feet. Hot Rod was his favorite movie but it wasn''t fun recreating one of the iconic scenes.


    The fall was so disorienting, Jimmy Jack failed to notice the metaphysical hole that awaited at the bottom of the slapstick gag; one that had stood there for centuries. It took someone really uncoordinated to locate the doorway to answering Princess Jacinta''s plea.

 Thats Our Guy, I Guess!

    "URF!"


    The boniest fragments of Jimmy Jack''s ass ground-pounded off the murky floor of the cave, barely missing fatal penetration from a nearby pointy rock. Picking himself up, an act that required two takes thanks to the dank dew, Jimmy Jack tried his best to collect his bearings. He had no idea where he had fallen to. All he knew was that he was in deep shit.


    "I promised myself my ass was never goin'' spelunkin''," JJ whined. It was too dark, too cold, too empty. He wasn''t a Scout. How was he supposed to get out of here?


    "Brave hero, come hither," cooed an angelic voice from the painstakingly obvious beacon of light 100 paces ahead.


    "Who? Me?" Jimmy Jack pointed to the lone man in the cavern.


    "Do not be modest, champion. My home yearns for an emancipator."


    "Look, lady, I ain''t in the bug-killing business. Find somebody else."


    "Why do you deny your destiny? We need your help. My people are in grave peril."


    "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" Jimmy Jack finally reached the middle of the beam. "JESUS!"


    "Oh dear!"


    The snap had sent him back five yards. A raven-haired woman with flowing locks had manifested out of nowhere. It was an odd way to greet somebody but it was clear she was no heel. Her presence was as confusing as his location. There had to be a reason he of all people had wound up in this smelly dwelling. She had mentioned something about "destiny," although he had only been paying half attention. Jimmy Jack had always been sure it was up to him to right the world''s wrongs. It was time to find out what was what. He had to ask the pressing question.


    "How old are you?"


    "I''m 25, the same age I was when I was struck down 400 years ago."


    "Oh, whew," Jimmy Jack was 90% sure it wouldn''t be weird he found her hot but it was nice that weight was off his back.


    "That tongue?"


    "Hey," Jimmy Jack reflexively grabbed his speech organ in self-consciousness. "I can say the same for you, lady!"


    "No, your language. It sounds Hydenfellian but not quite so?"


    "Oh, I speak American."


    "Never heard of your people. Are you from beyond The Barrier?"


    "Iunna," Jimmy Jack mumbled. He always tuned out during the geography questions on Jeopardy.


    "Your heritage does not matter. All that counts is you have arrived to save Hydenfell from my uncle, the odious Gnarl."


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    "Look, Gypsy Rose, if you want to off a family member, that''s your business, but leave me out of it."


    "You don''t understand! Gnarl has devolved Hydenfell into ruin. Ever since that night he stormed my father''s castle and forcibly named himself ruler, my homeland has been trampled. Every citizen, from the Snaggles in Sacred Swamp to the Talen in Mount Frost, dare not speak out against his reign lest they be punished. As a young girl, I remember hearing a tale of a warrior from another land who would one day heal a wounded nation in the absence of the Gods. Now, you are here."


    "Ok."


    "I am Princess Jacinta. What is your name?"


    "Jimmy Jack Doyle!"


    "I see. That is your full title?"


    "Well, my middle names are Dale and Gordon. NASCAR was hot in the ''90s and mama couldn''t choose a favorite. Hell, just call me Jimmy Jack!"


    "Noble Jimmy Jack, I''m afraid the mission I ask of you is one of great peril, fraught with danger."


    "Ok."


    "I beg you, travel to the green hills of Generica, the lava pits of Rongotongo, the waters of Obligatoria. In these biomes, you will encounter the Three Trials. Pass them all and gain the trust of the Sword Spirit who shall grant you the ability to wield the Blade of Benevolence, the only weapon that can damage my uncle in his heightened state of arcane power. From there, you must then ring the Five Bells hidden in fortresses most intimidating, one for each of the deities who breathed life into our world. They have been slumbering since time began. Once upon a time, all it took was one creator to fight back against evil but Gnarl has further fortified his stranglehold by making a deal with Xerqe, the daemon who presides over Hale with an iron fist. It is said the Apex Daemon merged with my uncle. Goodwin knows the visage hiding under his skin."


    "So," Jimmy Jack scratched his head. "I gotta complete three dungeons, get a kick ass weapon and then beat five more dungeons so I can get some help in whupping the ass of some freak who stole your dad''s throne?"


    "In a sense, yes?"


    "So, it''s just Zelda?"


    "Whatever do you mean?"


    "Zelda? The Legend of Zelda? It''s only the second or third most popular video game franchise of all time? I mean, it''s so huge, surely it''s made its way out here."


    "I''m afraid I''m unaware."


    "Come on, it''s close to 40 years old. You''ve never heard of it?"


    "Jimmy Jack, there is no time to waste."


    "Fine. What do I do first?"


    "You will need some tools. I have some basic necessities but unfortunately, some of the items you will require have been hidden by Gnarl''s forces. Here is a starter sword, a starter shield, a wallet to store your Purls, some torches in case there are puzzles that require transporting fire, a stunning weapon you might not even choose to use, a map of Hydenfell, a basic didgeridoo that should serve you until you find my enchanted didgeridoo, a bottle, a crystal that will allow us to communicate over realms..."


    "Hold on, I can''t carry all of that!"


    "Forgive me, you will also need this tunic. It has hammerspace."


    "Hammerspace?" Jimmy Jack also made sure to ask Jacinta to turn away so she didn''t see his ''shirt by the pool'' physique as he changed into his new garb.


    "Just stow the items away. They will be weightless until you desire to use them."


    "Can I pull out a Baconator?"


    "I''m afraid you can only take out things you''ve already collected."


    "This sword is pretty sweet. I''ve actually never swung one before."


    "You''ve never used a sword?" Jacinta''s gentle demeanor turned aghast. "But those blemishes on your discarded attire? Are they not the remnants of slain monsters?"


    "Oh, I mean I''ve never swung this brand before!"


    "That is most reassuring. For a moment, I thought there may have a mistake."


    "Cinty, honey, Jimmy Jack Doyle has never made mistake in his life!"


    "Now that you have your instructions, go forth! Be warned: my power of protection is limited to this small area. You shall face dangers even here in the Cave of Tutoria."


    "I''ll be alright. Besides, if I die, it''s right back here with you, right?"


    "No? If you die, you die."


    "Oh, I was just joking," Jimmy Jack did a poor imitation of a laugh, turning back to see if there was a ladder behind him that would allow him to opt out. No dice.

 The Not So Easy Part

    "Son of an ass," Jimmy Jack picked himself back up. He hoped Princess Jacinta hadn''t seen that stumble. Recollecting the torch, he hoped the exit was nearby.


    Earlier that morning, JJ had been snug in bed without a care in the world. Now, he was fumbling around a stanky cave, having been appointed the saver of a kingdom he knew nothing about. Now that the fair maiden had seemingly returned to the afterlife, the chest-pumping bravado was starting to deflate. This place was friggin'' scary!


    "Sweet, a chest," our intrepid explorer was relieved to see a provision-holder just a few steps into his journey. He wasn''t so pleased when the casual kick strained his foot. After trying to lift the lid, a harder-than-it-looked-on-the-games motion that earned him a splinter, with his free hand, Jimmy Jack plopped down the illumination stick. The flame grabbed hold of the wood instantly, reducing the container into ash in seconds. Jimmy Jack didn''t care about the method. The treasure was his.


    Even a man whose academic highlight was "valedictorian of summer school" could make out the prize: money. Not dollars American, but rather, a pink bejeweled ball. This particular piece had to be worth five, maybe ten, units of what they used around here. Greedily pouncing on the currency, the finder keeper prepared to do something he had waited his whole life to try out for real. Using his mouth to make a similar but copyright-friendly motif, Jimmy Jack raised the spoils above his head as he pretended some exposition was being spelled out to his audience.


    "Shit," his butterfingers sent the Purl to the ground, shattering it into a million pieces of illegal tender. "Stupid glass money."


    Frustrated, Jimmy Jack fetched the torch, failing to notice the fire had petered out. It was here where he went from intimidated to shat pants. In the pitch black, he was a cooked goose; a goner. All he could make out on the ground were pieces of rock. How the hell were they gonna help him? Thankfully, his iPhone had survived his initial plummet into Hydenfell. It was a poor flashlight but it was better than a complete shroud. A 32% battery. Plenty of juice.


    "Jesus," JJ was able to make out his first true obstacle: a small pit.


    Simply jumping down and trying to spring up to the ground on the other side, Jimmy Jack learned his 11 inch vertical leap would be of no use in these parts. At least there was a small incline that allowed him easy passage back to the starting end of the tiny chasm. It was also too far to step over. What he needed was a running start. Building up some momentum, he leaped as rabbitly as he could. Smashing his toes into the edge, he was still able to flip over to his destination. He was in tremendous pain but at least he had completed the easiest challenge of his quest. And no monsters in sight!


    "Ah, fuck," Jimmy Jack felt the bite on his shoulder. Suddenly, he felt half a life point weaker. Flipping his light over to the chittering, he avoided a second chomp through sheer luck.


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    It was a bat but it really wasn''t a bat but for all intents and purposes, it was a bat. The little terror, the grunt of Hydenfell''s bestiary, whipped back into rotation and tried a third attack. Jimmy Jack was finally able to find a way to wield his flash and his sword at the same time. Weakly flinging the blade each time the puny sumbitch crossed his vision, JJ soon realized it would be better to run. This was only after the Not-Bat had reduced him to a heavily-breathing shell with tachycardia. He could also swear he heard a very annoying ringing in his ears as well?


    "Oh, thank you, Jesus."


    Unless it was a mirage, he could make out a big pot of pasta. What it was doing here was anybody''s guess but he wasn''t about to turn down free food. He needed all the nourishment he could get if he was going to survive. Retrieving the bottle Jacinta gave him, he took a big swing into the red liquid. Wasting no time gulping it down, he was immediately hit with the worst taste he had ever laid on his tongue and he''d had Cincinnati chili before. This was no broth, it was some bitter potion-y shit. However, what little he hadn''t managed to spit out was doing something in his damaged body. After braving a few more swigs, he felt in tip-top shape; ready to take on anything.


    The skeleton warrior was ready to test that confidence.


    Like the Non-Bat, the bony bastard strafed around Jimmy Jack, occasionally lopping off follicles on his beard with its blade. After it connected with a thrust right on JJ''s dome, he was amazed to discover his head was intact even if he was starting to feel a little woozy again. Taking another drink out of the healing serum, he returned to the fight refreshed and then needed another shot. And another. And another. Following a super painful jumping stab right between the eyes, Jimmy Jack went to perk up, only to realize he had gulped down the entire pot.


    "Yer mine now," the calcium creature spoke. Like Jacinta, its accent was also vaguely British.


    "Yipe," an exhausted Jimmy Jack fell to the ground, willing to take the sack. Mama did raise a quitter.


    "Ah," the would-be killer yelped. In his crumbling, Jimmy Jack had covered himself with the shield he hadn''t thought to use to stave off the steely swipes. The ricochet caught the evil-doer smack-dab in the skull and caused him to fall backwards, busting him as badly as the Purl.


    "Gotcha, fucker," Jimmy Jack proudly quipped. Just like he drew it up.


    Now that the enemy was vanquished, it was time to solve the puzzle that prevented escape. A small crack in the foundation shone brightly, indicating he was nearly out of this nightmare of a Level 0. The switch opened the door but Jimmy Jack nearly cried in anger each of the 50 times the barrier slammed in his face the second he removed his weight from the button. Flabbergasted, he finally stopped to look and ascertain components to the riddle. Noticing a big block, he snapped his finger, or at least tried to, and began to tug on the square.


    "Shit," the mass was nearly immovable; doubly so considering Jimmy Jack''s wounded panting. It had to weigh every bit of 60 pounds. Taking a break against the wall every two exertions, Jimmy Jack was ecstatic when all that separated him from a way out was a few feet.


    "Miss me, kid?" the scattered fragments of the skeleton started to fly around and rebuild the baddie.


    "Ha," Jimmy Jack shuffled the block onto the switch and waved goodbye to his foe. "I''m in this room now."


    "You think that''s gonna stop me?" the villain encroached.


    "No, go back to your room!"


    "This ain''t a game, boyo!"


    Jimmy Jack was once again on his ass. This time, he was surely fucked.

 Now the Fun Begins

    "Look, buddy, take it easy," Jimmy Jack was showing no signs of being the hero Jacinta thought him to be.


    There was no way JJ could handle one more blow. Even a brush against the skeleton''s shoulders would send him to the Promised Land. He knew he had to be close to the outdoors. That door in the back was too large and conspicuous to lead to anywhere unimportant. The chamber shared the rocky interior of the previous rooms but a quartet of flames in the corners lit the space, signifying further importance. In addition, small pockets of water and beds of grass gave way to the most life Jimmy Jack had seen since his arrival; not that he would be able to enjoy the ecosystem.


    "Any last words?" the creep cackled as he folded into that pose that preceded his special attack.


    "Nickelback....had some........bangers," the damned man unleashed his most hidden feelings in between sobs.


    "ROAR," Jimmy Jack couldn''t even look at the loud bellow that was to serve as the last sound he ever heard. Seconds passed and he could still hear his pounding heartbeat and feel the tickle of softer blades on his body. Lifting himself out of the fetal position, the sight that awaited him had him wishing for Mr Bones.


    The skeletal swordsman had been devoured from above by what looked to be a giant Venus Fly Trap, grown in the Devil''s Garden. The flowery fiend belched one of the now useless segments of its dinner at the feet of a terrified Jimmy Jack; a warning it still wasn''t full. In a panic, Jimmy Jack sprinted to salvation, which slammed shut with an iron bar. Turning around, the terror, Thornin to its mother, hung from the center of the ceiling, licking its toothless maw, chewing wasn''t really its thing, and gleeking rock-sized spit accumulations onto the flora below. Jimmy Jack knew he was in for a much greater fight; a boss battle of sorts. Thornin was much bigger than his previous enemies, a tender red boil on top of its head served as hint to what he needed to whack and the rustic ambiance he had been hearing was starting to build into a frantic barn-burner.


    "Missed me, bitch," Jimmy Jack gloated at the charge even if it was more of a terrified half-faint than a skilled evasive roll. Thornin was able to curtail its momentum without slamming its weak point on the hard wall.


    Undaunted, the first major monster snapped its head back to the middle of room, raising itself to the highest point the stalk it grew from would allow it to retract. Perfectly placed, it was too aerial for the rocks Jimmy Jack threw in desperation. Not that the weak lobs would do any damage anyway. Stretching its lips as far as they could go, Thornin began vomiting acid in a predetermined pattern that Jimmy Jack was fortunate enough to avoid. The upchuck burned through the grass, disappearing after just a few seconds.


    "The hell?" Jimmy Jack was sure he was beginning to hallucinate. The removal of the patch had unveiled what looked to be a treat; heart shaped. He didn''t care if it was on the ground. A cookie was a goddamn cookie. Shoving the red snack in his gullet, he instantly felt slightly better. Boy, if he could find about three more of those!


    Thornin tried in vain to deal a killing shot on the forager. He hadn''t been able to land a single glancing swing on anything prior but the possibility of plural pastries led to some yard work that would make Hank Hill proud. Having found enough pick-me-ups to feel completely recharged, Jimmy Jack had also found himself 20 Purls richer. What a tethered killer weed needed money for was anyone''s guess but Jimmy Jack figured he had no right to criticize the economy of another nation. Maybe things were booming in Hydenfell.


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    "Thwack," Jimmy Jack''s attention was snapped back to the abomination, who connected with a solid headbutt, knocking its prey backwards several feet. Suddenly, he didn''t feel as good and the remedial resources had been plucked dry. It probably would have been a smart choice to save the last four in case of emergency.


    JJ was able to sidestep several of Thornin''s offensives but he hadn''t made a dent in his opposition''s health bar. Soon enough, he found himself groggy once again. That damn sore stuck out but Jimmy Jack''s inability to lay into it was beginning to frustrate the Hope of Hydenfell. Every time he got close, the bastard would sway. It must have been 20 minutes with this nonsense. On top of that, his phone battery had died. He didn''t need it at that moment but that still sucked ass. If those brambles didn''t put him down for the count, exhaustion would.


    "Wait, duh," Jimmy Jack felt like an idiot. Defeating a boss wasn''t a test of brawn. It was a test of brain. He couldn''t just expect to unga-bunga one of Hydenfell''s fiercest into submission. He had to think. He had to use a tool. He knew just the one. Pulling out one of the sticks Jacinta had bestowed upon him, he set up shop near one of the burning beacons. It was obvious what he was supposed to do.


    "Err?" Thornin seemed surprised at the failed javelin.


    "Shit!"


    A second stick split harmlessly, as did a third and fourth. Only one was left in stock. He had to focus for this one. All it would take was one fastball right to that bump and it would have been curtains for the voracious vine villain. Steadying his aim, Jimmy Jack cursed the accelerating briars. Just when it looked like he had a clear shot, the neon sign would scuttle away safely. Feeling his hand begin to sweat and every teacher he ever had''s words of discouragement flood back in his ear, Jimmy Jack broke down.


    "God damn it, this is too hard," a person never known for emotional maturity launched the last lob without scouting. As far as he was concerned, the stupid fucker could just eat him.


    "Rehhhhh," Thornin howled in agony. The flung wood had inadvertently been set ablaze, crisping Thornin''s stalk into nothingness. Now just a head, the once fearsome creature struggled to stay upright, eventually flipping all its weight on the parasitic sac that kept its black heart beating, popping it like a pimple and rendering Thornin lifeless.


    "Gross," Jimmy Jack commented on the ooze that leaked out before the fiend exploded into nothingness. The lock gave out, allowing passage. A much larger cookie served as a second prize. Jimmy Jack scarfed it down. They say too much dessert is bad for you but he now felt like he was in the best shape of his life.


    An amazed "holy fuckin'' shit" escaped JJ''s mouth as soon as he swung the cave''s exit open. The dark dungeon had given way to a seemingly endless bright field. It was a clear day and you could see forever. A bustling town was on the horizon, a majestic snowy peak in the distance. He could have done without that ominous castle floating on clouds of purple that was way, way back there though.


    "Hero! You''ve arrived!"


    "Holy shitballs! A talking fox!?"


    "Fox? I am Waldron the Wise, the eyes and ears of the Royal Family!"


    "Ok."


    "Princess Jacinta beckoned me while in the Spirit Realm. It is my solemn duty to assist the Hero From Beyond in defeating the evil Gnarl. Throughout your journey, I shall arrive to arm you with information. You are a hardened warrior but rest assured, this quest will not be easy! Wah-wah!"


    "Oh, really?" Jimmy Jack pretended to care. The animal kept yapping for another five minutes. Even after a third "yeah" and five repeats of "that''s crazy," he was still blabbering. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, the tank ran out of gas.


    "Do you need me to repeat that?"


    "Yes! I mean, no," but it was too late. Why had that been his first instinct?


    "Princess Jacinta beckoned me while in the Spirit Realm. It is my solemn duty to assist the Hero From Beyond in defeating the evil Gnarl. Throughout your journey, I shall arrive to arm you with information. You are a hardened warrior but rest assured, this quest will not be easy! Wah-wah!"


    "Please kill me," Jimmy Jack thought as he rubbed his eyes in annoyance. Waldron may have been Wise but he wasn''t picking up on the hint to go kick rocks.

 Getting Those Steps In!

    "Now, young warrior, go forth!"


    "Yeah yeah yeah," Jimmy Jack had heard the spiel four times without listening once.


    "Do you need me to repeat that?"


    "No! Nope! Hell no," JJ made sure his intention was clear this time. "Just tell me: where am I?"


    "Haven''t you heard?" the pseudo-vulpine and his Rupert Grint-esque accent were puzzled. "This is Hydenfell Hub: the link to all the factions of our mighty Kingdom. Well, once mighty. But when you slay Gnarl as the prophecy states, things shall be wonderful again!"


    "Yeah, that D-bag who killed Jacinta. Hey, did she have a sister that managed to escape? Maybe one that looks just like her? Didn''t age at all?"


    "The Princess was the only child of Ricart and Sigourney, Goodwin save their souls. Why do you ask?"


    "No reason. No reason. Anyway, where am I supposed to go first?"


    "Don''t you recall the story? You''re destined to lift the Blade of Benevolence that awaits its wielder in the Hidden Meadow. The Sword Spirit will surely kill you on the spot if you try to free it from the pedestal its been burrowed in for millennia without solving the Three Trials. How could you forget something of that magnitude?"


    "Uh, I didn''t?" Jimmy Jack was a skilled bullshitter. "I was just testing you."


    "The First Trial awaits in Generica to the far South. Do not let its serene nature bedevil you, monsters as violent as the marauders in Gnarl''s castle run foul and hungry amongst its trees."


    "Dude, you could not be wrong," Jimmy Jack was going by the pictures on the map, rather than the words. "Says here I''m supposed to go to the water level first."


    "Obligatoria? My hero, that is the setting of the third and final Trial."


    "But it''s closer."


    "That does not matter! The prophecy states you must complete the Trials in order! Generica, Rongotongo, Obligatoria."


    "Well, the prophecy also said you can lick muh balls!"


    "I beg your pardon, sir?"


    "Fuck it. I''ll do things your way. What''s the fastest way to get to Gerbilaria?"


    "Generica."


    "Sure."


    "I trust you are not foolishly travelling without provisions? Forgive me, my hero, but it''s best you stock up on necessities in Marketia, Hydenfell''s capital of commerce."


    "Oh sweet, you guys got a mall? Gonna be honest: was starting to think things were a bit backwards around here."


    "Not at all! Marketia is at the forefront of civilization. If they don''t have it, you shant need it!"


    "Do they have a Gamestop?"


    "I''m sorry?"


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    "A TJ Maxx?"


    "My hero, are you feeling well?"


    "They *have* to have a Sbarro. They won''t let you open a mall without a Sbarro!"


    "I..."


    "Whatever. I''ll check it out," Jimmy Jack settled as he pointed to a large settlement on the atlas. "This it?"


    "No, my hero, that is Kluklu Village. You will visit there soon enough. Marketia is over here."


    "Yeesh, that''s pretty far too. You guys have any cars? Preferably an Uber. I''m still suspended for a couple weeks. Or am I?"


    "You are quite the jester, my hero. It is a day''s walk at most."


    "A d-d-day?" Jimmy Jack could already feel the plantar fasciitis he claimed to have flare up.


    "Make haste, champion! Hydenfell hinges on you!"


    The critter scurried off, leaving Jimmy Jack without a ride to his destination. At least it was a nice day; weather seemed to be pretty good here. In fact, everything looked safe and calm. Maybe they were overestimating how bad this Gnarl dude was. Overturning rocks and shaking trees to find Purls, Jimmy Jack was cognizant he needed some more moolah before he went shopping. Every so often, a boulder that looked conspicuously vulnerable to explosions dotted the landscape. Along the way, he passed a farm he was pretty sure he would have to come back to later.


    "Hey, there''s the lake from the map," Jimmy Jack pointed to another landmark without committing its exact location to memory.


    Up ahead, he could start to make out the bustling burg. This hadn''t been so bad. Having prepared for a series of marathons, this trek had felt compressed. Oh yeah, he could totally handle this. It must have only been six or seven minutes since he had freed himself from talking to that furry windbag and he was already within spitting distance of his first place of interest. If his entire quest was this streamlined, he''d be back home without missing a second of Monday Night Raw. Saving this world was going to be a cinch.


    "What the deuce?" Jimmy Jack cried out to the descending Sun. Noon to twilight in seconds. A few heartbeats later, a wolf''s howl.


    To his shock, he could hear the metallic slams of the town''s bulky gates. Subconsciously, Jimmy Jack began to whistle to make himself feel more protected in the darkness that devoured the Hub. He couldn''t see a goddamn thing. Hoping he had a chance to gain shelter if he could be spotted by the town''s Ring camera, the frightened stranger tried to speed up his path by rolling, only to bust his lip on his first attempt. Now bloodied, dirty and alone, he wondered if things could get any worse.


    "Of fuckin'' course," the question went answered with several upheavals of the ground.


    Gnarl''s Bastards, they were called. Half-flesh, half-clay, the toddler-sized affronts had been the Nightmare Lord''s failed first cracks at building an undead army fit for an usurpation. Forced to hide in their shame until nightfall. the beady little freaks wouldn''t have been so nasty if there weren''t so many of them. Jimmy Jack was about to find out real quick if he had been lying when he hypothetically stated it would take a hundred kindergartners to kick his ass.


    "Git offa me," he kicked one off of his leg and tossed aside another that had tried to scale his back. The small fall alone had felled the failed minion but a third has managed to get a swipe on JJ''s thigh. It didn''t sting as much as the previous attacks he had absorbed but a dozen more of those and it would still be curtains.


    Jimmy Jack unsheathed his sword and flailed. Sure, he managed to pop a few but it had to be less than a 40% hit rate. The fuckers kept spawning. It seemed two more sprang up for every one he recommitted to the soil. Eventually, it was once again in Jimmy Jack''s best interest to run. Dodging and dipping for what seemed like several minutes, Jimmy Jack eventually cramped. He never was much of a stretcher. The cavalcade huddled into stun-lock formation. Death by a thousand cuts.


    "Wheh," the Sun returned to pulverize the crying grunts. Jimmy Jack was relieved, until he looked around.


    He was back near the cave.


    All that unfocused running had been a foolish tactic. No matter! He now knew the way and knew not to lollygag. He had almost made it to the entrance even after taking time out to scavenge for supplies. This run would be better. Hustling through the same scenes he did before, Jimmy Jack once again could see Marketia. Now even closer than before, he prepared to cross the drawbridge that stood before the gates.


    "Shit, shit, shit," the Moon had arrived earlier than expected.


    Jimmy Jack didn''t hear no bell so he continued his sprint even as the wooden passing began to retract. Putting all of his JV track (woulda been varsity if the coach wasn''t a chode) experience to the test, he managed to latch his fingertips onto the lip of the bridge, only to tumble into the shallow moat that circled around the Capital City.


    "You.....sumbitches.....again," Jimmy Jack swirled in a rotation as the Bastards rose once more.

 This Town Aint Just Strange.....Its Bazaar!

    "Finally," the Sun we somehow shared with Hydenfell despite being in completely different dimensions reared, sending the midnight marauders back underground yet again.


    Jimmy Jack had waited out their attack in the currents of the circumference. Hoisting himself back up onto land, his tunic remained soaked. No fast-service drying here. A mild inconvenience. It was going to take more than wet clothes to take Jimmy Jack Doyle out of the game. As a child of the county fair, he had gotten used to chaffing decades ago. The bridge had re-lowered and the gates had swung open as soon as the rooster announced the new morning. It was time to check and see what all the hubbub was.


    Upon strolling into town, Jimmy Jack could make out a jaunty medieval tune that seemed to reach every square inch of Marketia. Just like in the real world, he was instantly blasted with advertisements; vendors hawking arrows for a bow he didn''t have and more of those delicious cookies he needed to patch up those wounds from those goons outside the walls. It seemed to be a lively joint, despite the supposed totalitarian regime that gripped the land. One guy was so amped, he just ran in a circle around the large fountain that served as a centerpiece. A vain-looking couple swapped spit with each other in a similar loop. A woman was sitting on a roof for some reason.


    "Hey, man," Jimmy Jack tried to strike up a conversation with the least-animated person he could find. "Can you point me to the grocery store or something?"


    "Fun Fun Farms has the best milk. It''s a shame they''re in cahoots with Lord Gnarl."


    "Not really what I was looking for. I''m just..."


    "Fun Fun Farms has the best milk. It''s a shame they''re in cahoots with Lord Gnarl."


    "Fuck it, I''ll just ask somebody else."


    "Have you visited the MASK MUSEUM?" help was not found with the second bystander. "The guy who runs It gives me the creeps!"


    "That''s a nice sword you have there. Try swinging it in a circle for a powerful attack!"


    "Leave me alone. I''m hunting for Silver Butterflies!"


    "My friend says he found a cow in a hole out in Hydenfell Hub but that can''t be true, can it?"


    "Don''t any of you people have anything helpful to say?" Jimmy Jack was getting pissed.


    Taking matters into his own hands, it took jiggles on four different doorknobs before one gave him passage into one of Marketia''s buildings. Inside, a burly man oversaw a cramped shoppe. Jimmy Jack didn''t have a list but he assumed he might find something useful in here. At worst, the jingle was a toe-tapper. Evaluating the inventory, the lone customer was immediately taken aback at the limited inventory.


    "You buyin'' anything?" the mountain sounded exactly like Jason Statham.


    "Four items? That''s all you have?"


    "You gotta problem with how I run me store?"


    "Look, I''m very busy," Jimmy Jack pointed to a bottle of that crimson juice he recognized from the cave. "Just hand me that!"


    "Thirty Purls, that is! If you can afford it!"


    "I can," Jimmy Jack was offended by the insinuation. God, even in a land of goblins and ghouls, people were still on his ass about having steady income. "I think this should cover it."


    "You kiddin'', mate?"


    "Uh, no? Three red balls. That''s 30."


    "That''s ''free!"


    "No, three would be three green ones."


    "''Free green ''ins would be ''free hundred!"


    "So, you guys don''t do the Zelda system?"


    "What the bloody ''ell is you on about?"


    "Fine, just pick through this and tell me when it''s enough," Jimmy Jack spread the contents of his wallet he had worked so hard for onto the counter.


    "This oughta do it," the bear-man took every gem except a lone fiver.


    "Hey! That was supposed to last the whole trip."


    "Don''t like it? Take this and try to win some more Purls next door. Now, ''ere''s that potion you bought. Give me a bottle so I can pour it."


    "Uh, fuck me, I guess, but I kinda assumed the bottle came with the potion?"


    "You mad? You want me to give you me only bottle during the middle of the Great Bottle Recession?"


    "Ok. Jesus."


    "Nothing makes me madder than a bottle hoarder. I ''ear some folks got five. Bloody gluttons."


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    Jimmy Jack said nothing as the shopkeeper continued to rant about bottle ethics as he transferred ownership of the liquid. Placing the jar into his pockets, he ventured to the bright facade of the neighboring establishment. It was in there he saw her: the sexiest babe he had seen in Hydenfell so far. Green skin, blue hair and a tight midsection barely covered by a crop top. Based on the other guy''s exposition, this had to be a gambling hall of some sorts. Jimmy Jack was an expert bettor in the real world, winning $10 on a $5 risk once every third NFL Sunday, so he figured that expertise, combined with the added power of impressing the hot hostess, would soon make him the wealthiest man in Hydenfell.


    "Five Purls, sugar," she hummed with effortless cool.


    "Rack ''em up. Wait, what do I do?"


    "There are two treasure chests. One has a Purl, the other, nothing. You pick the correct chest? You keep the Purl and can continue playing for a chance to win a higher amount. Grand prize is 500 Purls. Ready?"


    "I, sure, yes." the spellbinding beauty garbled Jimmy Jack''s tongue.


    "3......2.......1. Go!"


    "The one on the right," Jimmy Jack meant left but fortunately for him, the boner was rewarded.


    "Right," the second win earned him his deposit back.


    "Left," he seemed hip to the pattern. He was now in the black.


    "Right," earned him a cool 100 Purls.


    "Hey, you''re pretty good at this, but you can stop anytime."


    "Keep ''em coming, babe. Left."


    "Correct again. One more and you win the grand prize. Again, you don''t have to risk it."


    "Feel that, baby," he extended his palm to the surprised cashier. "That''s a hot hand!"


    "Kinda cold. Have you seen a doctor lately?"


    "Left!"


    "Sorry, that is not correct."


    "What? Just like that? It''s over?"


    "''Fraid so. But you know what? Since it''s your first try, I''ll give you a bonus turn for free."


    "Right!"


    "Incorrect."


    "Are you serious?" she was starting to become slightly un-hot to Jimmy Jack. "Look, I know I don''t look it but I need some money in the worst way. Come on, can I have the 250 I won the first time?"


    "Sorry."


    "Son of a bitch," Jimmy Jack, showcasing the temper that got him banned from his local Golden Corral, launched a decorative vase against the wall, causing a single unit to fall to the ground.


    "You can just take that, y''know?"


    "Really? You''re not mad?"


    "Not really. There''s good money in furniture smashing, if you have the patience for it."


    "Good to know!"


    Jimmy Jack searched the city high and low for pots, boxes and potted plants. Like the citizens inside one of his favorite series, the public didn''t seem to mind the funny-looking newcomer tearing apart their homes for spare coin. Tediously, he amassed his wallet''s limit, making a note to buy a larger piggy bank when possible. Now comfortable for the time being, he even considered flipping a Purl to the town beggar, electing not to do so when he remembered the blank screen on his phone. Now that his monetary issues were fixed, it was time to handle something of the upmost importance.


    "Aye, y''all got a commode I could use?" Jimmy Jack poked his head into the most quaint-looking place of business.


    "Oh, do you mean a Relief Sanctuary?" a meek innkeeper asked.


    "Sure, I guess, lady. Look, I''ve gotta drain the lizard. Show me the way."


    "Down the hall and to the left."


    "Thank ya."


    Jimmy Jack painfully swayed to the instruction. When he arrived, he was gobsmacked. There were no toilets, urinals, sinks. Hell, there weren''t even stalls. All there was was a giant hole. If he was in some kind of video game world, it certainly wasn''t rated E for Everyone. These dudes were hanging dong, unafraid to piss in front of strangers. About to burst, Jimmy Jack joined the circle with a couple of nervous coughs. Unzipping his fly, he added to the littering.


    "Careful," Jimmy Jack turned to a brick shithouse who looked like he was more stone than man. "I hear there''s a lot of dickheads around here."


    "Grr," the rock dude grumbled at the C- joke, causing Jimmy Jack to clam up. A fish-looking guy and a tall bird creature also peered holes into his soul.


    "So, uh, where does it all go?" the fresh arrival was morbidly curious.


    "We do not ask questions we need not know the answer to."


    "That''s right, I forgot," Jimmy Jack cringed in pain at the agonized bays from the veiled other side of the room, knowing he would need to brave it or a similar space sooner or later. Those s''mores were starting to take a left turn at Albuquerque.


    "Are you not staying with us tonight?" the girl at the front desk stopped Jimmy Jack, trying his best to hide his dry hands.


    "Why is there a hotel here? It''s been the same time in this town since I got here."


    Now loaded and unloaded at the same time, Jimmy Jack was on the prowl for wares. A solution came in the form of a weapons store. Perfect. Jacinta had been kind to loan him these piece of crap objects but he was going to need some real firepower to defeat that Gnarl guy. A weak little sword and a puny shield, already starting to crack, weren''t going to cut it. This Nightmare Lord would laugh if he brought them into battle. There was no way they''d leave a pimple on him. Jimmy Jack knew exactly what it would take to fell him.


    "Give me the biggest gun you have."


    "Gun?" a bald man who kept scratching his chin looked confused.


    "Ugh," Jimmy Jack still couldn''t reconcile the realm he was in. They really hadn''t perfected something to blast away the baddest of baddies yet? What was the tech deal here anyway? Marketia looked to be lighted modernly but he hadn''t seen a single contraption created post 16th Century. He needed to take down Gnarl quickly and get back to the wondrous land of Wi-Fi. "Just give me that bigger sword and that heavier shield and that dynamite-looking stuff."


    "Excellent purchases, sir! Paper or plastic?"


    "That''s the one thing you''ve developed?"


    Walking out a newly-armed man, Jimmy Jack heard a grumble. God, he was starving. Surely, a primitive place such as this at least had somewhere to get some grub. Asking around, only to get "tips" on how to check his map anytime and minimize damage from short falls, Jimmy Jack growled at the lack of fresh, never frozen, beef in his gut. Just when all hope was lost, the hungry visitor saw it: meat, fish and fruit. Admittedly, he didn''t give a shit about the last offering but all that mattered was he was just a few Purls away from prime rib.


    "A slab of your finest meat, my good man," Jimmy Jack bulldozed his way to the front of the line. You can''t have the Hero of Hydenfell at the back of the queue when evil was afoot!


    "Good choice," the butcher laid out the transaction.


    "Um, what the fuck is this?"


    Raw. Uncooked. This was not acceptable. He needed to speak to a manager about this.


    "Turkey, sir. I assume you know how to cook it. You''re doomed otherwise."


    "No!"


    Monsters and dark magic were one thing but hearing meals were DIY was the chilling reminder he wasn''t in Ohio anymore. This was awful. He was a growing boy and failing to get his 3500 daily calories would drop him sooner than any of Gnarl''s minions would. Taking the leg, he tried in vain to find a kind soul who would help him out. No dice. Leaving the cruel burg, he bawled in the Hub for several Hydenfellian days. The Bastards felt too bad to attack.


    "Maybe there''s a way I can quit," Jimmy Jack started pulling out all the tools Jacinta had given him at the beginning of his quest; the last, the stone. "37 missed calls?"

 Horsin Around at Fun Fun Farms

    "Jimmy Jack," Princess Jacinta appeared with a rub of the Crystal Stone that had been chiming for Goodwin knows how long. "There you are. I''ve been worried sick!"


    "Oh, sorry, Cinty. Reception has been a bit rough."


    "I was afraid you had gotten killed! I.....have you been crying?"


    "No," Jimmy Jack''s nose blew along with the lie.


    "Dearest Jimmy Jack, whatever is the matter?"


    "This is too damn hard! I''m hungry, I''m frustrated and my damn feet hurt! On top of that, I have no idea where to go!"


    "Generica," he was reminded for the umpteenth time.


    "That''s too far," the alleged alpha whined.


    "If the lengthy travel ails you, why not find a steed?"


    "How the hell am I supposed to know what that even is?"


    "An equine?"


    "Cinty, I don''t speak French."


    "They''re noble beasts that can spell a weary warrior."


    "What I need is a horse or something."


    "Hydenfell Hub is rife with such mounts. Search with your heart and you shall find what you''re looking for. Contact me if you need any help."


    Sure enough, although the sprawling field had been devoid of colts and fillies until then, a small pack came into view now that obtaining a ride was vital to Jimmy Jack''s progression. One was midnight black with a coffee swirl on its hind and the other two were chestnut-colored with red manes. Deciding to tame the coolest looking specimen, Jimmy Jack knew to approach the grazing creatures with caution. Didn''t want to spook them. He had no doubt his aura would be welcomed as soon as his intentions were understood.


    "Wahhhhh," the kick in the solar plexus waffled Jimmy Jack several feet.


    Undaunted, he chased after the stampede until his stamina bar gave out 15 paces later. Winded and with great pain in his tummy, he gave up the pursuit and began to look for another to convert to his personal vehicle. It took a fair amount of walking but he eventually spotted a speckled example whose main hue was that of a cocker spaniel. It wasn''t his personal favorite but he was eager to capture a transport before nightfall. Learning from his mistakes from the previous attempt, he decided to tiptoe in from the front.


    "Wahhhhh," the animal''s scared burst of speed gored Jimmy Jack so hard, he became one with the fauna. Holding on saddle-side for dear life, JJ must have been carried halfway across the Hub before he was bucked higher than he had ever been; including that wild night with his cousin in 2012. The climb was quick, the descent even faster......and harder.


    "Whe-whe-where am I?" a woozy Jimmy Jack asked days later.


    "Wah-hoo," a boisterous boom shook the room. "Glad to see you''re coming to! Welcome to the world famous Fun Fun Farms!"


    "Hope your injuries didn''t ruin your appetite," a low-voiced female was also looking over the dizzy displacement. "Breakfast should be ready in a jiff!"


    "Breakfast?" Jimmy Jack''s health surged back to full strength.


    Now a returned citizen to the waking world, the guest was able to make out his saviors. They were two very large people. Not overweight, not obese. They were bulbous; the size of a Depression-era New Yorker caricature of the hoarding wealthy. The man had yet to take his paws off of his own belly and the woman had remained with her hands on her hips, as if she was stuck in uproarious laughter. Their girth didn''t seem to impede their vitals though as they had easily scaled the staircase and they were easily upper middle-aged if not elderly.


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    "Come now."


    The trio marched downstairs and then down another flight at the end of a spacious hallway. Jimmy Jack''s brain matter had only just started to glue itself back together but it didn''t take too much cognizance to realize these people were loaded. The fully-staffed service squad whipping up a morning feast was another neon clue to their abundance. The pair introduced themselves as Borboro, yes, "Barbara" with vowel exchanges, and Grarft. Their son Heef, a haughty broomstick with poorly-fitting human skin, was already seated at the dining table.


    "Mofher, fafer," Heef broke up the sounds of slurping and sucking. "Wherever is that thing we call my sister?"


    "Probably still asleep, the useless bird!"


    Right after the bizarrely-sharp jab, the front entrance slammed open. One of the hired help stood in the doorway, huffing and sweating, caked with five or six stains. Despite the horrible stink on her, Jimmy Jack found her to be drop dead gorgeous. With her flaming crimson hair pulled into a maid''s bun and visible biceps and delts, she gave off a very rugged charm.


    "Peela," Grarft stood up with shocking speed. "You''re late!"


    "Forgive me," she spoke with an angel''s tone. "The cows were most stubborn this morning."


    "That''s no excuse! Now, take your gruel into your closet like a good servant and leave us be!"


    "Yes, daddy."


    "Daddy?" Jimmy Jack wondered aloud.


    "My daughter, Peela. Forgive her rancid features. She did not inherit our beauty."


    "Actually, sir, I think she''s quite attractive."


    "Wah-hoo! A man with a sense of humor. We''re going to get along just fine, you and me!"


    "So, Jimmy Jack," Borboro addressed the newcomer while still taking mitt-fulls of the helping of meat and taters stacked as high as her husband''s. "What brings you to these parts?"


    "Actually," JJ was not slouching in his consumption of his pile. "I''m in the market for a horse."


    "Well, you''ve come to the right place!"


    "You really think this peasant can afford one of our stallions?" Heef asked in a nasally drone.


    "Heef, mind your business! Forgive him. He might be a bit rude but he''s the best rider in Hydenfell!"


    "Daddy," the meek red-headed biological child was nearly in tears. "I tripped over the bucket again and spilled my food. May I have more?"


    "Gods, Peela, another plate?" Grarft rolled his eyes as he polished off his elevenths. "You''re gonna be as big as a Halehog!"


    "Daddy..."


    "Fine! But be quick. Lord Doyle needs a horse."


    "You know I wasn''t lying when I said I thought you were hot."


    "Whatever," now that Peela was out of range from her tormentors, her voice had some acid to it.


    "What''s that song you''ve been hummin''?"


    "It''s a tune I''ve composed during my long hours working the fields. I play it for the horses. They''re my only friends. It''s a token of my bond with them."


    "Oh, well, do you know anything else? It''s gettin'' kind of annoying to hear the same song over and over."


    "Look, just pick your horse and get out of here."


    "What''s up your butt?"


    "My parents are not good people."


    "They seem chill to me. They found me and fed me. Hey, sorry I didn''t offer you any of my food by the way."


    "It''s fine. I''m sure you needed all four plates. Look, they might seem jolly and fun but they are in cahoots with Lord Gnarl."


    "Oh, hey," a memory flooded back to Jimmy Jack. "That guy in Marketia said something about that!"


    "What guy?"


    "I don''t know. Just some guy."


    "Anyway, they sold out my ancestors'' legacies for Purls. Once upon a time, Fun Fun Farms operated with integrity. The Nightmare Lord brokered a deal with my father to buy into our business and distribute our famous Fun Fun Milk nationwide."


    "So?"


    "He tampered with the recipe! There''s alcohol in it now! They sell it to children!"


    "That ain''t so bad. I had my first Bud when I was eight. See, the key is moderation."


    "You sound just like them," Peela sighed. "Here, there is a horse I want to show you."


    Peela began to sing that old familiar piece at a higher pitch. A statuesque golden stallion raced out of nowhere and nuzzled her face. Jimmy Jack was sold before the embrace was over. This thing galloped at the speed of light. They could cover the entire map in mere minutes and good lord, was it beautiful. He would have been satisfied with something practical but he wasn''t going to turn down function and style. All she had to do was name her price, as long it was under 40 Purls.


    "I''ll take it!"


    "But you''ve not seen him yet!"


    "I''m lookin'' right at him!"


    "Elegance, go play," Peela shooed off the mighty steed, revealing a runt.


    "That''s the horse you want me to buy?"


    "Yes. As much as you disgust me, I can sense your purpose. You are the Hero from Another World."


    "Yep!"


    "Though this horse be small, he be mighty. He needs a name though," Peela explained as her ward tried to score some rubs from the potential buyer.


    "Um, how about Bass Ackwards?" Jimmy Jack pushed the nameless'' head away, causing it to drop in sadness.


    "Do not mock his spirit," Peela admonished. "He is a mount fit for a hero!"


    "Yeah, no thanks."


    "Have we reached a decision yet?" Grarft showed up.


    "Yes, sir," Jimmy Jack pointed to Elegance. "That one!"


    "Superb choice, Lord Doyle. That''ll be 20,000 Purls."


    "What? I mean, um, that''s all?"


    "Do not be ashamed of your lowly birth, Jimmy Jack. The horse can still be yours."


    "See, you''re not as bad as your daughter says you are!"


    "If you can defeat Heef in a race!"

 That Dont Work for Us, Brother!

    "First one to complete five laps around the track wins," a jovial Grarft announced the stipulation.


    A confident Jimmy Jack was sure Elegance was his. Heef had elected to challenge the stallion with a sickly mare that looked half-dead. Peela pleaded with the debuting racer to stop cracking jokes and take her brother seriously. He was the undisputed champion around these parts. JJ paid this no heed. Sure, he may have been "the best," but it had to be a default thing; a niche Guinness world record like cup-stacking. He seriously doubted there were Derby caliber jockeys in Hydenfell.


    "Try to keep up," the dandy''s nose remained affixed as if he had smelt the world''s biggest fart. Based on his parents, that may have been the case at some point.


    "On your mark......get set......"


    "Jimmy Jack, focus," Peela begged as if there were dire stakes on the line.


    "I got this!"


    "GO!"


    The horn sounded, Elegance neighed. Jimmy Jack may have remained onboard for five seconds. The all show, no go horse sent Jimmy Jack to the dirt, his skull smashing like a bookend to his arrival. Not like it mattered. Heef drifted his companion masterfully through each turn. The hurdles were cleared with meters to spare. It was quite the show, albeit one a KOed Jimmy Jack missed until Heef glided over the finish line.


    "So sorry, dear boy. Almost had me."


    "Jimmy Jack," the empath Peela couldn''t help but feel for the unconventional hero.


    "I''m ok! My neck broke the fall!"


    "You must leave at once," she warned as she force-fed the groggy defeated Heart Cookies.


    "What? Don''t want my loser''s stink on ya or somethin''?"


    "Jimmy Jack, my boy," the gregarious yank wiped away half a piece of the regained health. "Tough luck out there!"


    "Yeah, it was the horse''s fault though."


    "Speaking of that steed, since you failed to beat Heef, I believe my offer remains unchanged. 60,000 Purls and he''s all yours!"


    "Thought you said it was 20,000 Purls?"


    "Interest!"


    "Look, G-Money, I don''t have the dough. I''m sorry. I appreciate you tryin'' to help me but I''ll just have to wrangle me up a horse in the wild."


    "Son, I''m afraid that''s not possible."


    "Hey, I was gettin'' pretty good at it!"


    "You don''t understand, you ignoramus. We had a deal. Even a low birth like you should know the value of somebody''s time."


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    "Don''t call me a igloonamus! Let me take the horse or one of equal or greater value. When I save Hydenfell, I''ll probably get a big fat check. I''ll pay you then."


    "Wah-hoo! If you''re the so-called Hero From Another World, I''m Goodwin the Great!"


    "I don''t know who that is!"


    "Here''s what''s gonna happen," he adopted a more grave demeanor as he launched Jimmy Jack with a suplex. "You''re going to pay me back alright."


    "Please," Jimmy Jack''s backwards crab walk ended up against the fence. "Don''t kill me!"


    "You''ll be joining my no good daughter in the stables, where you shall work..."


    "Kill me," those fatal four letters reduced Jimmy Jack to a fetal position.


    "Daddy, that is enough," Peela threatened.


    "Quiet, you," he turned to face his brazen spawn.


    "Take that," Jimmy Jack used the distraction to unsheathe his new blade. He didn''t want it to come to this but sometimes you had to whoop a man''s ass. To JJ''s surprise, the strike stopped on its own, as if there was some law that said the mortal humanoids of Hydenfell, devious bastards or not, were not to be harmed by weaponry. A bone-cracking shoulder tackle proved the intended target didn''t play under the same rules.


    "You coulda had it easy, my friend," Grarft went in for the kill as Peela could only watch it horror. Grasping his prey by the throat, he prepared to send another debtor to the Spirit Realm.


    "Wahhhhh," Jimmy Jack made the same noise as the previous two steed spears. However, he was able to successfully plant himself on this ride. "Bass Ackwards!"


    The dainty but determined collected Peela as well and set out to save the heart of gold and the heart of maybe aluminum or something from their captors. However, it would take more than a lucky break and spunk to escape Fun Fun Farms alive. Heef was rapidly barreling down on the trio and Borboro flipped the switch that activated the bulky seal of the one way out. There was no way this little dude could help them here. Shielding his eyes, Jimmy Jack prayed for a merciful hereafter.


    "Jimmy Jack, look," an exhilarated Peela gasped.


    "Holy fucking shit," was the elegant annotation.


    The jump was almost a flight. Landing on the other side without losing a stride of speed, the three were home free. Heef probably could have eventually caught them if he wanted but he wasn''t really feeling like going too far. Bass Ackwards left a near literal trail of fire behind him as FFF faded further into the distance, never once showing signs of fatigue. After 28 long years, Peela felt her first breath of emancipation. It tasted pretty good!


    "Take me to Kluklu Village," the backseat rider implored. "I want to start life anew!"


    Dropping Peela off at the gates, Jimmy Jack was rewarded with a side hug and a "you''re not so bad after all." Not exactly ringing endorsements for Hydenfell''s lone hope but he was willing to take them. During their extremely casual embrace, Bass Ackward''s adrenaline rush had ceased, turning him back into the insecure runt from before. Drooping his head and wandering away, Jimmy Jack had a whopper of an idea.


    "You wanna come with me?" was the question the horse answered with a pleased sound. "My dogs could surely use the breaks from walkin'' so damn much!"


    "Oh, Jimmy Jack, I knew you would come around to him!"


    "Yep. Hydenfell is in good hands with the team of Jimmy Jack Doyle and Bass Ack......Captain Kickass!"


    The newly-mined CK scooped up his human as they departed a waving Peela. Now with everything he needed to begin his quest, Jimmy Jack was ready for the First Trial.


    "Arachnines in beds," a massive paw wrote a damning letter in a topmost chamber. "That should shut ''em down!"


    "Lord Gnarl," Burle barged in. "I hate to trouble you but..."


    "What is it, Burle? I''m writing my reviews of businesses that don''t support my reign."


    "Sir, can''t you just execute them?"


    "Uh, then they would know it''s me? I can''t have people thinking their leader is self-conscious. By the way, did you pay the town criers to say it doesn''t boil my blood that I''m pink? ''Cause it doesn''t!"


    "Your Evilness, I have most troubling news: The Hero From Another World has arrived."


    "Who gives a shit? He, and it can only be a he by the way, won''t even make it to Marketia."


    "He''s almost to Generica."


    "Is that so? I guess I''ll have to keep my eye on him."


    "Do you want me to personally assassinate him, sir? I''ll have his head by nightfall!"


    "Nah, let''s just see where this goes. Could be fun!"

 Cookin Up Trouble

    "He''s beautiful, Jimmy Jack," the other side of the Crystal Stone appraised JJ''s newest tag team partner.


    "Thank ya, Cinty. His name is Captain Kickass!"


    The pair''s first excursion had gone flawlessly. The entrance to Generica awaited nearby. Aboard his mighty steed, Gnarl''s Bastards hadn''t even been a concern as they crossed the Hub. The novelty of the little guy hadn''t worn off. He was a game changer; a game breaker. It was almost too easy. With this cheat code, Jimmy Jack''s mission would be a hundredfold easier.


    "Whoops," Jacinta remembered a key detail but not before Captain Kickass started freaking out. "The Lands of the Trials have been doused with anti-horse magic."


    "ANTI-HORSE MAGIC?" JJ was aghast.


    "I''m afraid you will have to venture through Generica alone. Do not fret, though, I have the utmost faith in your abilities! Good luck, Jimmy Jack!"


    "My hero!"


    "Oh great, this fuckin'' guy again," Jimmy Jack whispered, loudly.


    "This is the rustic kingdom of Generica. Once a serene land, Gnarl''s forces have rotted the Blessed Oak, negating his powers of protection and leaving its people defenseless against monsters. My hero, you must enter the cursed guardian and rid him of his pox!"


    "Wait, wait, wait," the attempted liberator had a burning question. "My first major challenge is to go inside a tree and kill some kind of parasite?"


    "Yes, my hero," Waldron applauded the understanding. "You catch on quickly."


    "I''m tellin'' ya: this is just fuckin'' Zelda."


    "No, my hero, it is Generica."


    "Just tell me how to get where I need to get."


    "Take the right path of the fork. It shall take you to Generica Clearing. From there, you''ll encounter a bevy of heinous..."


    "Why don''t I just take the left side then?"


    "My hero, that leads to the Mossy Maze and the Blade of Benevolence it protects. You have neither the correct path through the maze nor the blessing of the Sword Spirit. You wouldn''t last a minute!"


    "Whatever. So you were yammering about this clearing?"


    "Outlast the monsters and survive to the other side. There, your Trial shall begin in earnest."


    "Begin?"


    "Yes, my hero, for you must cross the Pain Forest to reach Grassy Grove, home of the Blessed Oak. The terrors that await in the forest make the creatures of the clearing seem quaint!"


    "We''ll see, I guess."


    Jimmy Jack began to walk off before Waldron started his goodbyes. Leaving Captain Kickass behind, the adventurer set off. Within minutes, he came across the verdant meadow. That dumbass little fox had been so ignorant. The clearing was the most peaceful piece of real estate Jimmy Jack had seen since his quest kicked off. The only thing intimidating about it was the hike across. Jimmy Jack took an annoyed breath and took the first of countless steps across the Arcadia.


    "Gleehee," an impish snaggletooth burst from nowhere shortly after the first blades crunched under Jimmy Jack''s boots. The cobalt cretin only came up to the base of the 5'' 8'''' (and a half!) man''s neck but that scimitar looked ready to make them even.


    "Back to Hell," the amateur swordsman, yet to land a satisfying blow since his arrival, swatted at the strafing attacker. Smarter and more pragmatic than it looked, the enemy slashed JJ''s chest. Another hunk of HP was hacked after a missed overhead from our hero.


    Already breathing heavy, Jimmy Jack decided the fight was not crucial to win. All he had to do was make it to the end of the clearing. After a short chase, the goblin gave up and disappeared to whence it came. With a smirk, the general kept running closer to the next zone, his progress thwarted by what seemed to be an armadillo with quills on its shell. Smashing into the intruder''s shin with a spiky roll, the chimera drew the ire of Jimmy Jack, who was eager to rid the pest, who allowed its predator to smack it as hard as it could on its backside that not even solid steel could solve.


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    "Son of a bitch," the recoil slapped him right between the eyes. Near death, Jimmy Jack pulled out the serum he had bought back at Marketia and glugged it down, returning to full strength. Fuck this. These battles were just wasting his time.


    Retreating once more, Jimmy Jack was now about 40% across the glen. As long as he kept his head down and didn''t get into any more fights, he was golden. A couple more of those small devils popped up only to be ignored. A bee''s nest hung on a small tree that looked like it was the perfect hiding place for a mediocre treasure but it didn''t take a genius to know those were not to be messed with. Jimmy Jack already knew he was definitely allergic to stings probably. With less than a quarter to go, it looked like the turn and burn strategy was about to pay off.


    "ROARRRRR," a bellicose bellow shook the glade.


    Nearly pissing himself, Jimmy Jack foolishly turned around at the source of the sound. A bear, frothing at the maw, was gaining on him. Not only that but three more of those sinister sprites and two of the porcudillos joined the party. The forest was only a few more seconds of evasion away.  If he didn''t start shit, there wouldn''t be any shit. He could do this.


    "Ow," an arrow from an archer collapsed Jimmy Jack.


    The cavalry ambushed. Dodging a slingshot pellet cruised Jimmy Jack right into the path of another roll. His life would have come to an end trapped in a stun-lock if one of the party hadn''t decided to get cute. Now heading the wrong way, Jimmy Jack tried to separate himself from the minions. Five of the beasties abandoned the fray but that ursine was persistent. Needing short breaks every so often to refill his meter, JJ was no match for the Energizer Bear.


    "Doof!"


    Jimmy Jack was sure the girthy charge had killed him. Feeling like a light sneeze would take him out, the bruised boy hoped the sumbitch would mercifully finish the job. No dice though. The attack had sent him careening into a small drop. Although it was taller than the fall, the bear refused to follow down. It found a better lunch option in the deer-looking thing it started to chase after but Jimmy Jack knew his end was fast approaching, furry or not.


    "Jimmy Jack?" Princess Jacinta covered her mouth in horror at her last hope''s wounds.


    "Cinty, I''m done for. I can''t handle another hit. I don''t have any healing potions. There''s none of those cookies in sight. I''m done. D-U-N. Done!"


    "Do you have anything to eat?"


    "Nope! I''m stuck in this godforsaken clearing with no food in sight!"


    "Jimmy Jack, I can see plenty of food just from where you''re holding the stone."


    "What are you talkin'' about?"


    "You can cook something."


    "Cook?" Jimmy Jack heard another fatal four letter word.


    "There are mushrooms right there."


    "I''m allergic to mushrooms."


    "You''re allergic to mushrooms? Or you just don''t like mushrooms?"


    "They don''t taste good!"


    "Jimmy Jack, you need to learn to survive in these surroundings."


    "Fine," Jimmy Jack stuck the whole ''shroom in his gullet. "That didn''t help at all!"


    "They''re not the most filling morsels, I will admit. You''ll have to eat many to regain all your life force."


    "There''s only three more!"


    "Gleehee," two crashers spoiled the meal.


    "No, no, no," Jimmy Jack was ready to tap out.


    "Jimmy Jack, look: they''re attacking each other."


    "What luck," Jimmy Jack was able to lethally sneak attack the victor of the civil battle. "These things have been givin'' me hell!"


    "Grunties? Jimmy Jack, they''re Gnarl''s weakest warriors by far. *I* could best them."


    "Uh, I was just kiddin''. I''ve killed, like, four or five thousand of them so far."


    "The one you felled, its heart was removed."


    "So?"


    "Cooked Grunty heart is a well-known elixir! They are savages of the worst variety so not even I can mourn them. I see kindling and flint over there. That new shield of yours would work wonders as a plate."


    "Whoa, whoa, whoa," JJ did a quadruple take. "You want me to eat THIS?"


    "It will heal your wounds greatly."


    "What does it taste like?"


    "I would not know."


    "I guess I could take a bite to try it out."


    "No," Jacinta screamed. "Consumption of raw Grunty heart would kill you in seconds!"


    "Nothing makes sense here!"


    Jimmy Jack collected the items needed for a fire, an exasperated Jacinta coaching him through the process like a Millennial helping a technophobe grandma sign up for Peacock. When the flame was finally lit, Jimmy Jack dumped the organ onto the shield, watching it brown quickly. Using his sword as a makeshift oven mitt, he moved the repurposed buckler to a stump for cool down. A couple minutes later, he bit into the unorthodox dish.


    "This is really fuckin'' good," the critic was surprised at how tasty it was and how refreshed he felt.


    "I knew you would like it if you gave it a chance!"


    "Needs something to go along with it though."


    "You''re still in pain?"


    "No, but I''m still hungry. Hey, that other guy''s arm came right off!"


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "It would be just like a big French fry," the limb hit the returned plate.


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "I mean, it''s not what I would usually eat."


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "And hey, these guys are creeps," Jimmy Jack prepared an odd toast. "They should be nothin'' more than food!"


    "Jimmy Jack."


    "What?" a muffle and then a swallow.


    "Cooked Grunty arm is no good on its own. It needs additives."


    "Nah, it wasn''t that bad. I mean, sure it could use some salt, but...uh oh!"


    "Here is where we part for the time being," Jacinta ended the call as soon as Jimmy Jack turned green.

 Into the Woods

    "Shit," a deluge of vomit, the 8th or 9th since his unfortunate meal, geysered out of Jimmy Jack''s throat. "I think that''s finally all of it!''


    One last Family Guy gag''s worth of puke arrived seconds later before pigment was restored to the Hope of Hydenfell''s features. Thank God the more successful bites had already worked their magic on his HP. Now feeling better, JJ climbed back up to the main clearing and started take two on his jaunt to the Pain Forest.


    Spotting the bear''s normal patrol radius, Jimmy Jack was able to sneak by the thing that almost did him in. Pocketing a few mushrooms and acorns for later suppers, he soon found himself at the entrance to the woeful woods. He was pretty sure this would be the easiest obstacle thus far. While he was no fan of the outdoors, he had spent plenty of time in the trees growing up. Granted, he was whining to go home to his consoles the entire time every time but the experience had to count for something.


    One step in, no monsters. Two steps in, no threats. Easy-peasy. All he had to do was follow the conspicuously linear trail and he would be arriving to a hero''s welcome. The Sun pierced through the trees and a chorus of off-screen woodland animals hummed a serene melody. One might even say it was a picturesque setting. That one was not Jimmy Jack, who had about as much appreciation for nature as he had skill with a sword. Yep, this was smooth sailing.


    "God damn it," Jimmy Jack tripped over another root. "The hell?"


    It was no longer midday and the music''s beat had slowed to a crawl. The Moon had decided to start its shift early, and chilly. It wasn''t a freeze. It was one of those blustery gusts that tickles the nape of your neck. In fact, weather would have been nice if it wasn''t for the wind. Now twilight, the abrupt change offered enough light to push forward. Jimmy Jack just needed to power ahead.


    "Aro," a bipedal canine jumped into view with a hellish hound. Jimmy Jack began his mad dash right away with no thoughts of a fight. He had already almost been dragged away by a coyote once in his life. It sure as shit wasn''t going to happen again.


    Stowing himself into a shack to hide from the damned dog, Jimmy Jack perused the shed for provisions. Nothing but a couple of cheap Purls and a few of those stunners that he no had interest in trying out. JJ waited out the hound''s sweep, flipping it the bird when it started to scurry back off to its spawn spot. The squatter chuckled at the failed ambush. All that thing did was cause him to haul ass further to the exit. There probably wasn''t a single brain cell in any of the creeps that called this place home.


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    "Whoa," Jimmy Jack could almost feel his beard trimmed by the swinging ax he had accidentally triggered. Ok, maybe they had a couple brain cells.


    Brushing off the close call, JJ continued forward. The gales picked up, blowing leaves everywhere. Some of the biggest fire ants he had ever seen bullrushed our hero, who was able to thwart them with minimal damage taken. What pushovers. He felt nothing as the last one''s guts stained his steel. Now feeling cocky, he felt confident he could make similar mincemeat of the four-legged freaks blocking the next section.


    "Ow," a trio of chomps caused him to retreat back to base.


    Taking an alternate route, Jimmy Jack munched on the makeshift trail mix he had picked up to negate the blows. He also made sure to spoon himself a few drinks from a stream, It didn''t taste that bad actually. He doubted he had ever taken a sip of straight up H20 that didn''t taste like it had coins in it. A second dogman was noticed but this one was running around like an asshole and was out of JJ''s direct path. Another abandoned structure was found after another round of extermination. Maybe it had something good to pocket.


    "Now that''s what I''m talkin'' about!"


    Jimmy Jack couldn''t believe his luck. Hoping for something small but practical like a bigger wallet, a bag of explosives or a take-and-bake pizza, his expectations were blown away by the chest that waited inside. This wasn''t some dinky container surely filled with disappointment. This was a big honker. It had to be a major item for his quest. Maybe a bow? Maybe a quiver? Maybe a bow AND quiver? Like a kid on Christmas, he flung the box open with aplomb.


    "There ain''t shit in here," the blank innards baffled him. Shocking, sure, but not as surprising as the teeth that sprouted on the hinges.


    A fuckin'' trap. Jimmy Jack tripped over a can, leaving himself vulnerable to a pounce. Tucking himself in his most-used stance, he felt a mighty pull on his back. His shield, once formidable, was chewed into nothingness as if it were made of cotton candy. The phony prize holder let out a belch to make room for the main course. Shooting its tongue out, Jimmy Jack, by pure chance, managed to stick his blade up just in time. The prehensile projectile ripped like taffy as the dopple-fanger screamed in agony, disappearing into the void, leaving no presents old or new.


    Now defenseless, well, more than before, Jimmy Jack marched. He had grown used to carrying 15 pounds on his back and now felt naked. Waldron did say a town waited at the other end so perhaps he could buy another one. He had to be getting close to the city limits. The wind was blowing fast enough to make whip cracks. Surely, that was just a progression thing and not some build-up to an epic toll. It would be so tacky to put up a major challenge this early in the zone. What could possibly stand between him and Grassy Grove?


    The titanic bear knocking over trees was more than happy to answer that question.

 Outto the Woods

    "GRRRR," even the ursa major threat''s passive sounds sent a chill down Jimmy Jack''s back.


    This was no Winnie the Pooh. This was a damn kaiju. Visions of the disembowelment it could inflict infected JJ''s mind. He didn''t need to use his imagination too much. A not-so-meager brethren had been vivisected nearby. If this beast would do something that heinous to its own kind, Jimmy Jack shuddered to think how many of his guts would be strewn across the forest.


    "Of course," Jimmy Jack whined in the softest pitch possible. In the time it had taken to process the behemoth, a seal of shrubbery blocked off any backtracking. It may have been moss and leaves but it was as fortified as titanium. Jimmy Jack''s blade was as effective as a pocket knife.


    The rampaging zoomies looked to have no end in sight. Jimmy Jack was willing to wait until it tuckered itself out. If it was early summer here like it was back home, all he had to do was wait about five or six months. A spine-tingling brush against his ankle caused a gulping JJ to look down. Nothing more than a garter. Harmless.


    "Get offa me," the adventurer mouthed as he reached to swat away the buzz on his back. Even in another dimension, skeeters were still a problem. "JESUS!"


    The graze was no gnat or fly. It was a spider or some twisted alternate take on Earth''s most famous arachnid. It had some similar features to the ones Jimmy Jack was accustomed to: eight legs, furry carapace, silk dangling out of its butthole. The hyper-realistic face that met him eye to eye was new though. JJ''s fearful collapse had allowed him to fall out of range from any attacks but the mighty roar that sent a visible shockwave that nearly clipped our hero proved he was not out of the woods, literally.


    Jimmy Jack''s heart sank as the Terror Bear locked its sights on him. Leaving the mess it was making behind, it began to stalk JJ, never once leaving a bipedal stance. Now with a clear view of its front, Jimmy Jack could make out failed attempts to dethrone the royal, none higher than the ankle. One eye was black, the other, red. A perpetual foam dripped onto the crunchy bed. Its hair was matted to the point it looked to have a mohawk. The teeth? Surprisingly immaculate. It may have feasted on bone and blood but at least its oral hygiene was on point.


    The arena seemed to have some size to it but Jimmy Jack was quickly stunned by how much ground each stomp covered. Logs the size of vans were crushed into nothing. The ambiance had added some percussion to hammer the point home that Jimmy Jack was fucked. For minutes, all he did was loop around the perimeter, not even able to scout out a weak point.


    "Come on, ya furry bastard, show me something," Jimmy Jack bobbed close enough to draw an attack but far enough to weave away from it. It seemed like every third maneuver was that power swing that dizzied it for a handful of moments. Perhaps he could play the methodical route. A few cleaves and retreat. Rinse and repeat. With the tower loopy, the swordsman smacked its biggest toenail. The blows felt incremental but successful nonetheless. This bout had no time limit and he didn''t have anywhere to be.


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    "BRARRRRRR!"


    "DOOF!"


    The boss had a kickback recovery and a smarting one at that. The sharp punt launched Jimmy Jack off the barrier that refused to deactivate. Jimmy Jack could already feel his limbs grow heavy. There was a decent chance he wouldn''t survive another smash. The long game had been cut short. It was a game of sudden death, at least on one side. The Terror Bear could probably go for another eight or nine hundred swipes. Whatever strategy he needed had to arrive fast because those paws were getting closer with each thrash. JJ needed to create some distance.


    "What are you doin''?" a frantic JJ stopped the planning he never really started to analyze the wind-up. "What are ya gonna do? What are ya gonna do?"


    The courthouse-sized animal rolled with ferocity, flourishing with a dual fist pound. Jimmy Jack had mercifully dodged the blow but had nearly been nicked thinking the slam had grounded the guardian for an extended period of time. Another attempt to build some space resulted in a trio of foot stamps, each with its own wave. Jimmy Jack was able to jump, at least that''s what we''re gonna call it, out of the way of the first couple but it was evident he had gained no athletic prowess from portal-hopping. It was minimal damage but his body shook in place like jello.


    Primed for a finishing move, the titan meandered to the boy missing autonomy. At this point, he was button-mashing without a controller. Paralysis ended just in time for the claws to miss by centimeters. However, Jimmy Jack was now cornered. Desperate, JJ started ripping out everything in his pockets. Nothing looked effective. He was doomed; fucked. The Terror Bear signaled for the killing shot. Jimmy Jack screamed and flung the only thing he hadn''t pulled and prepared to state his case to Saint Peter.


    "I''m alive?" Jimmy Jack was confused. Turning around, he fell back upon seeing the thick fur once again. However, it was stunned mid-attack, just like he had been seconds before. Those things worked after all! The joy was short-lived when the roadblock began to stir. JJ lobbed the whole supply but even the last one eventually started to wear off.


    "CRACK!"


    Jimmy Jack knew that loud crunch belonged to his bones. Strangely enough, being massacred didn''t hurt at all. Ready to ascertain just how badly he had been torn apart, he was ecstatic to find every part was still where it was supposed to be. He couldn''t say the same for the bear though, who laid dead, its neck draped over a stump. Even the biggest sumbitches need that small hyoid bone. It had slipped upon regaining control of its legs; a literal lucky break. The felled foe soon burst into the ether, leaving behind only a ginormous slab of uncooked meat.


    "Might get a couple meals out of this," even with unlimited space, pocketing the remains proved difficult.


    The back door shriveled, granting Jimmy Jack passage to town. Even though they had yet to meet him, conquering that terror surely merited a party of some sorts. Curing that tree would probably net a second celebration. Hell. he may be mayor when it was all said and done. Walking down the lone path, JJ spotted the Sun as the trees thinned. The village that showed up shortly looked to be a civilized center although it seemed like everyone was stowed away in their homes. No matter. It was time to find city hall and announce the arrival of the savior.


    "MAN-THING," was the last thing Jimmy Jack heard before the punch in the nads crumbled him to the ground.