"Now, young warrior, go forth!"


    "Yeah yeah yeah," Jimmy Jack had heard the spiel four times without listening once.


    "Do you need me to repeat that?"


    "No! Nope! Hell no," JJ made sure his intention was clear this time. "Just tell me: where am I?"


    "Haven''t you heard?" the pseudo-vulpine and his Rupert Grint-esque accent were puzzled. "This is Hydenfell Hub: the link to all the factions of our mighty Kingdom. Well, once mighty. But when you slay Gnarl as the prophecy states, things shall be wonderful again!"


    "Yeah, that D-bag who killed Jacinta. Hey, did she have a sister that managed to escape? Maybe one that looks just like her? Didn''t age at all?"


    "The Princess was the only child of Ricart and Sigourney, Goodwin save their souls. Why do you ask?"


    "No reason. No reason. Anyway, where am I supposed to go first?"


    "Don''t you recall the story? You''re destined to lift the Blade of Benevolence that awaits its wielder in the Hidden Meadow. The Sword Spirit will surely kill you on the spot if you try to free it from the pedestal its been burrowed in for millennia without solving the Three Trials. How could you forget something of that magnitude?"


    "Uh, I didn''t?" Jimmy Jack was a skilled bullshitter. "I was just testing you."


    "The First Trial awaits in Generica to the far South. Do not let its serene nature bedevil you, monsters as violent as the marauders in Gnarl''s castle run foul and hungry amongst its trees."


    "Dude, you could not be wrong," Jimmy Jack was going by the pictures on the map, rather than the words. "Says here I''m supposed to go to the water level first."


    "Obligatoria? My hero, that is the setting of the third and final Trial."


    "But it''s closer."


    "That does not matter! The prophecy states you must complete the Trials in order! Generica, Rongotongo, Obligatoria."


    "Well, the prophecy also said you can lick muh balls!"


    "I beg your pardon, sir?"


    "Fuck it. I''ll do things your way. What''s the fastest way to get to Gerbilaria?"


    "Generica."


    "Sure."


    "I trust you are not foolishly travelling without provisions? Forgive me, my hero, but it''s best you stock up on necessities in Marketia, Hydenfell''s capital of commerce."


    "Oh sweet, you guys got a mall? Gonna be honest: was starting to think things were a bit backwards around here."


    "Not at all! Marketia is at the forefront of civilization. If they don''t have it, you shant need it!"


    "Do they have a Gamestop?"


    "I''m sorry?"


    Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author''s consent. Report any sightings.


    "A TJ Maxx?"


    "My hero, are you feeling well?"


    "They *have* to have a Sbarro. They won''t let you open a mall without a Sbarro!"


    "I..."


    "Whatever. I''ll check it out," Jimmy Jack settled as he pointed to a large settlement on the atlas. "This it?"


    "No, my hero, that is Kluklu Village. You will visit there soon enough. Marketia is over here."


    "Yeesh, that''s pretty far too. You guys have any cars? Preferably an Uber. I''m still suspended for a couple weeks. Or am I?"


    "You are quite the jester, my hero. It is a day''s walk at most."


    "A d-d-day?" Jimmy Jack could already feel the plantar fasciitis he claimed to have flare up.


    "Make haste, champion! Hydenfell hinges on you!"


    The critter scurried off, leaving Jimmy Jack without a ride to his destination. At least it was a nice day; weather seemed to be pretty good here. In fact, everything looked safe and calm. Maybe they were overestimating how bad this Gnarl dude was. Overturning rocks and shaking trees to find Purls, Jimmy Jack was cognizant he needed some more moolah before he went shopping. Every so often, a boulder that looked conspicuously vulnerable to explosions dotted the landscape. Along the way, he passed a farm he was pretty sure he would have to come back to later.


    "Hey, there''s the lake from the map," Jimmy Jack pointed to another landmark without committing its exact location to memory.


    Up ahead, he could start to make out the bustling burg. This hadn''t been so bad. Having prepared for a series of marathons, this trek had felt compressed. Oh yeah, he could totally handle this. It must have only been six or seven minutes since he had freed himself from talking to that furry windbag and he was already within spitting distance of his first place of interest. If his entire quest was this streamlined, he''d be back home without missing a second of Monday Night Raw. Saving this world was going to be a cinch.


    "What the deuce?" Jimmy Jack cried out to the descending Sun. Noon to twilight in seconds. A few heartbeats later, a wolf''s howl.


    To his shock, he could hear the metallic slams of the town''s bulky gates. Subconsciously, Jimmy Jack began to whistle to make himself feel more protected in the darkness that devoured the Hub. He couldn''t see a goddamn thing. Hoping he had a chance to gain shelter if he could be spotted by the town''s Ring camera, the frightened stranger tried to speed up his path by rolling, only to bust his lip on his first attempt. Now bloodied, dirty and alone, he wondered if things could get any worse.


    "Of fuckin'' course," the question went answered with several upheavals of the ground.


    Gnarl''s Bastards, they were called. Half-flesh, half-clay, the toddler-sized affronts had been the Nightmare Lord''s failed first cracks at building an undead army fit for an usurpation. Forced to hide in their shame until nightfall. the beady little freaks wouldn''t have been so nasty if there weren''t so many of them. Jimmy Jack was about to find out real quick if he had been lying when he hypothetically stated it would take a hundred kindergartners to kick his ass.


    "Git offa me," he kicked one off of his leg and tossed aside another that had tried to scale his back. The small fall alone had felled the failed minion but a third has managed to get a swipe on JJ''s thigh. It didn''t sting as much as the previous attacks he had absorbed but a dozen more of those and it would still be curtains.


    Jimmy Jack unsheathed his sword and flailed. Sure, he managed to pop a few but it had to be less than a 40% hit rate. The fuckers kept spawning. It seemed two more sprang up for every one he recommitted to the soil. Eventually, it was once again in Jimmy Jack''s best interest to run. Dodging and dipping for what seemed like several minutes, Jimmy Jack eventually cramped. He never was much of a stretcher. The cavalcade huddled into stun-lock formation. Death by a thousand cuts.


    "Wheh," the Sun returned to pulverize the crying grunts. Jimmy Jack was relieved, until he looked around.


    He was back near the cave.


    All that unfocused running had been a foolish tactic. No matter! He now knew the way and knew not to lollygag. He had almost made it to the entrance even after taking time out to scavenge for supplies. This run would be better. Hustling through the same scenes he did before, Jimmy Jack once again could see Marketia. Now even closer than before, he prepared to cross the drawbridge that stood before the gates.


    "Shit, shit, shit," the Moon had arrived earlier than expected.


    Jimmy Jack didn''t hear no bell so he continued his sprint even as the wooden passing began to retract. Putting all of his JV track (woulda been varsity if the coach wasn''t a chode) experience to the test, he managed to latch his fingertips onto the lip of the bridge, only to tumble into the shallow moat that circled around the Capital City.


    "You.....sumbitches.....again," Jimmy Jack swirled in a rotation as the Bastards rose once more.