I wake up this morning and this night
And I close my eyes with the weight of my lies.
Just another week just another year
Just another success, just another gain.
I wake up and I question with blurry hands
If anything I ever touched was worth the searing pain.
Look at the girl how she shines
Manner in her words a gentleness in her smile
Did you see her grades? Did you see her talents?
One look at her eyes and you can imagine
How she opens the windows for birds in the sky
And drinks her tea on a picnic with starry eyes
Laughter and kindness and so much good.
Look at the girl how she shines
Never would imagine she''s waiting for the end of time.
Look at the girl look at the girl
I''m begging someone to look at the girl.
Another year ends and a flashy paper proves
A passing of time, a breath finally in use.
Here''s an end Here''s a smile
Nothing fits and I wonder why.
Thank you thank you thank you I repeat with shine
Help me help me help me I whisper at nights.
What is wrong with me?
What is so fundamentally wrong that I can''t live up
To any guise or any love
The paper proves it and so do my tears
What do they prove? Can you tell me if you see?
I''m thankful for all the light I see
So so thankful sometimes I wonder if I should cease
Just enter a door and close it behind
Just be what they see and stop my tries.
So so thankful I wonder if I am
Because I''m grateful and loving and greedy and needy
I can''t live without the paper or the flashy words
Greedy greedy greedy
When does it ever stop?
Can''t imagine there''s a well I''ll deem fit to end my thirst
Parched so parched even in the moment of success.
I might have got the shine but what about the colour?
What about the next?
What about that delicate shade of everything I only see in them?
My clothes are too dark
And my heart too light
My eyes too bright
And my smile too dim.
The shades don''t match they don''t fit
Maybe another paper will fix all this is.
I laugh with my heart and smile
Then it suddenly drops, and I have to put up the facade of time
Pinched eyes pinched expression
Still laughing just wondering if I''m too much of a vision.
The shine only works if you see it reflected
Off a wall or a table or a thousand footsteps
The paper only works if you see it on the wall
Hung and pristine and dried from all
Tears and sweat and blood
Breaths and worth and love.
I think to myself with a quiet belief
I''m only pretty if I''m not seen.
The laugh should be moderate and the words should be weighed
My hand movements careful and my whole being safe
I should keep the distance keep the footsteps
If anyone starts walking
I should start running.
It hits me at all times that I can never prepare.
Every time my hand lingers enough to leave a trail
Or my feet jump too high they cross the veil
Every time someone looks and I swallow back fears
They are looking they are looking
Should be careful what they see.
I silence it with all kinds of silence hidden
Lighten my fingers like a dancer in mirth
And stick my feet to the ground like it''s pride
I silence it, I silence everything.
I take every part of me and make sure it knows
You''ll only ever be loved in your silence
Never in your words.
The hurt hits my body before I can swallow it.
My heart pounds and my skin crawls
Yes, this familiar feeling
Yes, I''ve been hurt again.
The silence is oppressive it scratches at my throat
But letting out any sound would be akin to a dying wail
My laughs hurt my hands hurt
A scream would only damn me to hell.
I''ve been hurt again, but it happens.
So I''ll ignore the sudden darkness in my vision
And the tense weight on my limbs
Again again again
Why does it happen every time?
I was hungry now I''m not.
Wish my heart would stop leaking blood
How much longer can I live on my own blood?
How much longer can I take the water of my tears and the flesh of my heart?
I close the curtains, close the door
Know in my quickened breaths it won''t wait much more.
Lock the door, have to be sure
Not a sound and not a word.
I tie my eyes and I shut my mouth
Bite my lips so hard it draws blood
My mouth is closed my mouth is closed
Can''t breathe but so can''t my words.
I''ve been hurt again, my heart says in a small voice.
Yes yes again and again I answer with clenched eyes.
Where is your hate where is your loathing
Where is anything I can protect my own with?
Is it only me you wake your demons for?
Is it only ever me that deserves your rage?
You tell me to hide
I ask where
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
You tell me to stop
I ask where
You tell me to stop and hide and silence everything.
I choke and choke and choke
And wonder if this fixes anything.
Do I stop being hurt if I disappear?
Do I never hurt if I never am?
Is this what you want
Is this what I need?
Heart heart heart
Why is it only me?
I wrap myself in chains and think of delicate ribbons
Those for shiny papers and this for a haggard body.
I pull the chains and tighten my cage
Is this enough to stop the pain?
My head falls forward and only they keep me afloat
Is this enough to protect my soul?
People walk ahead or above
They spare me a glance and never stop
Some yank at the chains some caress like a friend
Choking sobbing fearing
Why do both feel the same to my battered everything?
I cradle words of love with a careful defeat.
They can destroy me they can sweep me off my feet
I only put them in the soft delicate parts of my being.
I don''t want them, but I do.
I don''t want them in me, but I do.
I need them I need them I need them
My greed can''t ever let go.
I just want them falling from a tree.
I want them coming from the earth
I want them beneath my feet
If I look from a window, I wish the sky would cease
No stars and no suns and no moons
Just grounds and dirt and everything in between.
If I lower myself to touch, I can feel
If I crouch there in that garden and dance over the petals, I can feel
In my hands and heart and the safe breath I keep
If I hold myself carefully and stand after I lean
Then I can keep
I can keep.
The sky is wide the sky is high
If I look up I might never try.
It''s better to flutter and float
Over the earth like I''m somehow more
I''m not and never will be
But if I can appear to the flower a tower
If I can appear to the love a castle
Maybe then
Maybe then, they won''t ever tear me away
From my safe breath my safe haven.
Look at the girl how light she treads
Almost like a fairy hear the flowers tell
She''s bright in her smiles and soft in her touch
She''s everything one likens to a sun.
Look at the girl how light she treads
If she''s a fairy maybe she won''t be left
Honey in her smiles and on her fingertips
Would the flowers still sing to herself?
She''s everything one likens to a sun
Always there, waiting to be loved.
The glass breaks, and I watch it with dull eyes.
Only just a spike of despair over the coming nights
I look at the one who broke it and name the tension in their hands
Then the one crying on its shards and wonder what their tears say
I look at the wall if it''s still standing
And the floor if it''s still holding
The threads and the wires and the careful treading.
I go to step into it all too vacant
But Oh,
I can''t see the floor anymore
My blood must have been too livid.
You can''t cry once the glass breaks.
The years have taught us to be sane
You wait and observe
What if the one who broke it needs help?
Or the one who sweeps it
Or the one who hides it
Or or or
You should wait before crying.
A little blood never hurt anyone.
After it''s hidden, look carefully at the threads
Are they still tied? Are the wires still intact?
Go to the one crying their heart out
Soothe with words and wait for the inevitable sobs
Blubbering with words, you learned to nod.
Yes, they didn''t mean yes the glass was cheap.
Yes, the floor was strong, yes it must have come too near.
Yes, they broke it but do you remember?
They were a child too, don''t you dare forget
How are you going to help if you forget?
They were a child, they were the glass
The wires and steps and the fragile mass.
Shouldn''t children be good at remembering
At holding what the bodies weighed by years can''t?
Do your role, child do your role.
Listen to the sobs and clean the blood and remember
Nobody is ever wrong.
What''s the point of feeling when you are needed to act?
You can''t wait for the walls to fall
You can''t be busy in sobs
You stand and you walk and you run
And you nod and you agree and you remember
And only when night comes and you fall in bed voided
Only then can you cry, only then you can let it go.
You can listen to your brain list all the reasons you should go
You can watch the movie repeat
And question how better could you have been meek.
You can you can you can
You can learn how people go insane.
Look at the girl so bright in her being
But why is she always so quiet why is she always so serene
The birds are singing and the world is like a scream
Look at the girl, why isn''t she here?
The days will pass they will pass
You''ll learn to hate you''ll learn to blame
You''ll cry and beg at the feet of those who break
And ask them what to do with your despair.
You''ll hate so much you''ll throw it up with choking air
You''ll blame so much you''ll take a blade
But the days will pass again
And you''ll remember how people go insane.
The hate will quieten and the cries will silence
You''ll take the blade and put it in your heart and be done with.
No more hate no more begging
You''ll only blink and continue remembering.
The voices will ask after they calmed
The storm will whisper after closing its eye
What''s wrong?
You didn''t break the glass you didn''t hide it
Child, What''s wrong?
You only blink
Swallow the words swallow the blood
The blade is in your heart, it''s yours to keep.
Just this and that you choke out
The papers are hard to get the shine is impossible to find
They will titter they will grumble
All in fondness and you will blink
Everything about them tells you of their pride.
Look how good you remembered
Look how good you survived.
Don''t be so weak thrown with a sharp voice
So self-centered when none of the center touched your heart.
Don''t be like this, how are you going to survive in the world?
We asked you to remember we asked you to choke
When did we ever ask you to cry?
It''s not a big deal why are you staring with wide eyes?
Have you not seen conflict have you not seen fights
Staring at the ground and the walls
Is this how you''re going to be out in the world?
The storm the storm the storm
It closes its eye and covets the broken homes in its trail
The storm the storm the storm
It closes its eyes and forgets
Why people born in the storm can''t.
Remember remember you have to remember
Just because the walls didn''t break this time
Doesn’t mean you''re safe
Just because the storm closed its eyes
Doesn’t mean
You''re not an eye of a storm yourself.
Step on wires but don''t name them
Tie them carefully but never tell
Comfort that and soothe this
And never ever speak a word of it.
Step on harsh grounds and avoid traps
Think and think and think before moving
Flinch when silent flinch when talking
Watch and remember and wait for the obvious
Nobody is wrong except you
Nobody is wrong except you.
And when you brave the world out of your rain
Look at love given with a smile and don''t show a thing.
The tremble in your hands and the jagged walls you built
Take the love and give it back
Smile and covet and have
Never ever
Leave a space for your despair.
If you are an eye of a storm
The least you could do is save them your rain.
Look at the girl how loved she is
Accepts it with grace accepts it with mirth
Look at the girl and her wish
Please may anyone never see me like this
Look at the girl
She''d rather be right than ever loved.
When you brave the world
Try to forget.
Don''t look at the girl she''s too bright
She can''t rest if she''s in your eyes
Don''t look at the girl she''s too broken
She wishes to be loved from a high
Don''t look at the girl don''t try
Can''t you see? Her threads can only be so tight
Leave the chains and let her gasp and heave
The girl only ever wanted to be.
But she has learnt she has learnt
Why people go insane.
Get a bird and chain it to the ground
Show your disappointment every time it looks up.
Tell the bird to not be astray
Life is earth, life is on grounds.
Tell the bird ignore your heart
Ignore the ache ignore the hurt
Tie your wings until they cramp
Shut your eyes until they bleed.
Even if everything in you says you are from the clouds
Whisper under your breath that you are from here.
Wait for the pride wait for the nods
Tighten the chains and smile and nod
Little bird, you are only ever loved on earth.
Remember remember you have to remember
People go insane when their love is always something to dismember
Wrong wrong wrong
What part of me which heart
What flesh do I cut so I fit
So I love?
Little girl
Little child
Protect your heart
Protect your heart.