《The Bird in my Chest, it Talks.》


 A Confession.

    This is something that should not be said


    But we are sitting in the ruins of our silence


    So I will talk


    I will speak


    I hope you can listen to me.


    I call the ever unanswered question


    He who survives


    Can he be He who loves?


    My mind skips over the mundane like it is no more


    Yet it isn''t strong enough in its state to breach any surface of kind


    I don''t remember my cup of tea nor my absolute delight


    When I add three cubes of sugar instead of one


    And in the same way alike


    I don''t remember my mother''s grave


    Nor my horrifying sobs that watered the ground.


    I don''t need the tea to survive, you see.


    And in my whirlwind of utterly desperate rush


    I don''t need the love either or what was lost and left of it


    It doesn''t feed it doesn''t heal


    And most days, and I hesitate to say it so glaringly


    It doesn''t reach.


    Let it be known forever and ever


    That a love within survival


    Is as rare as honey in the sea


    You only get the salt of the earth


    The salt of your tears


    And even if it seems at times molasses sweet


    Don''t be foolish enough


    To put salt in a cup of tea.


    I do not wish to see the face you make in front of my shameful admissions


    You who loves and lives and takes honey from the flowers


    You who is closer to the sky than to the sea


    I do not wish to see my estrangement written on your face


    Or in your eyes that I liken to home for someone like me.


    I can''t quite explain, and that perhaps, is a large reason for my reluctance to explain


    I could see it happening before it did


    I who speaks with a scrunched face and a mouth full of salt


    And you who listens with furrowed eyebrows and eyes full of honey


    It is a tragedy waiting to be written


    I simply thought I could wait more.


    But as it is,


    The longer one survives


    The further love strays away from their bones


    You are in my heart and mind and maybe soul


    But my bones don''t carry anything beyond the marrow of my own


    While you bend your bones and break


    Just to make a home for me inside your body


    Inside your world.


    I appreciate it as one does the sun after a freezing cold


    But I also go out at night when you are sound asleep


    Just to let myself feel that utter cold


    I return to bed significantly colder than i left


    And you embrace me with a worried frown even in your rest


    And well


    What a way to tell our story in one night


    What a way to call my tears upon my forever frozen self.


    I have not loved anyone more than I loved you


    And perhaps that is why, most nights, I hate all that is myself


    I am incapable of loving the one my heart beats for


    Where is my ability to seek warmth


    Where is my wish for the light in life


    Gentle sorrow of mine,


    How much have I strayed away


    From my human self?


    I write letters sometimes under the cover of night


    With a faint lamp and stolen glances at your sleeping self


    I write letters with only one destination


    And it is only I that wish I could ever listen to what I write.


    Sometimes, they are long and suffering in their length


    With smudges of ink by a rain in a roofed house


    And sometimes they are only a few words


    Little in number


    And much in despair.


    Sometimes, I rest my face on the desk and breathe


    After spending minutes too long


    Writing three words that should not be a reminder


    Should not be a thought


    Hey, you love.


    Or


    Hey you, love.


    Some things should not be said


    And the same is for writing, I am aware.


    So, at the end of the night and without courage nor right to look at you again


    I go out and burn all the papers i wrote


    Deceiving myself for just a moment


    That i''m doing it for warmth in the colder nights.


    But i do love, and that''s the dilemma


    If one like me existed without love


    It wouldn''t take all this effort just to live


    Like one of the people you see on the other side of the fire


    Warm and smiling


    And leaning towards the light.


    I do love, and I don''t doubt for you to rest my worries


    The problem and I''m well aware


    Is that I love in ways most people can''t take.


    Like going into the sea and offering something of land


    Or going into land and extending a wet hand


    Waiting for anyone or anything


    To accept.


    It is my own sin too, I must say


    That my love has not stayed in the instinctual rooms of the heart


    But grew and withered and reached my mind


    Until I have to tug in a constant war of wisdom and foolishness alike


    Never one role for one


    But both fighting and rebelling


    With a source I found out to be


    Not quite as infinite as the warm people suggest.


    It is, sometimes, necessary for us to let things grow in their own homes


    So that one day you don''t wake up and realise


    That the same place that forgets your tea and mother alike


    Is the one holding the strings to your ever fragile love


    So you don''t realise with a heavy self


    This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.That while you are loved with the hearts of your dear ones, you love with a neatly written script


    That is somehow supposed to imitate the bashful messiness of a loving one.


    It makes it deceitful but also not quite


    As this is the way I have learnt to love


    And it is in the end,


    My every lasting trial to love those who also love


    And not just survive or think with a feverish pace


    Like my thoughts are somehow gonna move the stones from my road


    Or clear the salt from my being.


    It is quite a burden to be me


    And while I realise my love doesn''t clear that burden from others


    I also realise and perhaps selfishly


    That nobody bears my burden as much as I do.


    And while I despise the life of excuses and all the like


    I am giving myself a break


    For just a while.


    I am trying after all


    No matter how unnatural those tries might be.


    I do not seek much from such words


    I hoped, and it was a blind one


    That I would not speak them into life to begin with


    It is not that I don''t think you are below what is needed to understand


    It is that I think I am below what is needed to be understood.


    And these words will only hurt


    As I can''t see you accepting a love that isn''t solely from the heart


    And I can''t see you clutching the wet hand


    Full of injuries you don''t understand


    Because you, utterly lovely you


    Can''t ever hurt the ones you love


    Even if it is by something as needed as holding their hands.


    But I did speak them because lately, it has almost been like i''m running a one man show


    Whether you are a viewer or an actor I rejected, I am not aware


    But it has been eating away at my soul


    The reality that I don''t quite fit into anything anymore.


    And while it isn''t a jarring nor newly discovered reality


    With time passing,


    I can''t seem to keep up the guise of being human


    Even though I am and down to my marrow will always be


    I can''t seem to figure out an acceptable way


    Of being just that.


    Last week was my mother''s anniversary


    I only know of the fact because you approached me with a gentle smile and a worried nudge


    Asking me about my plans to visit my loved one


    I blinked for long moments, and I could see the realisation coming onto your eyes


    Yet you didn''t seem to know how to deal with such loss.


    Is it a happy moment to be rid of the choking grief


    Or is it a horrifying moment


    For a child to forget his own mother without much remorse?


    Last week, I drank my tea looking at the sky


    It tasted dull.


    I am reminded most funnily by my childhood toy


    It was a little monkey going around in circles with amusing sounds


    It used to last a long time, and my boredom rarely won


    But as it is with everything


    With the years passing, the toy started randomly pausing in the middle of play time


    It would work again quite quickly, but I would still cry unfairness to my mom.


    She would pat my head with a fond smile


    Telling me that toys need rest too, so they can make me happy for a long time.


    I was a child, and I was not quite convinced


    But I let it go and kept watching the ever circling toy


    Except it started to stop completely after some time


    And when I exercised the patience I was trying to learn


    It would come back suddenly like nothing quite happened


    And only the toy and I


    Knew of those moments where it stopped with no sound.


    I didn''t tell my mom about that progression


    She would have probably told me to let it rest for a while


    Or to try a new toy


    And the stubborn child I was, wanted that specific one


    For no reason I can remember now.


    In the long years after such childish woes


    I would sit with my mother over a cup of tea


    Hers so incredibly dull with no sugar


    And mine so sweet she would scrunch her nose


    She would laugh that sweet sound and say


    Remember that toy you could never let go of?


    And I would laugh along and tease


    Trying not to be


    Too much like a toy.


    It is something like that


    I am not quite human


    And nobody has the patience


    To wait for me to learn.


    This week, we sit on the couch


    Bodies tense and hearts clenched


    I don''t know how to tell you about my love


    I am learning I am


    But life is only long in times of convenience


    And this is decidedly not.


    I have not wronged you, not quite.


    You, while with honeyed eyes, knew how to inject venom into anything that does


    Yet there was always a space between us left unfilled


    A silence that should have held the timbres of our love


    A need that was as elusive as it was unfulfilled.


    All my words to this moment should not have been said


    They didn''t follow a script nor adhere to anything they should decidedly be at best


    But they have already been said, so let me, and I am sorry to burden you with this


    Tell you the rest of it.


    I am in love with you, and it is not a truth we can debate


    Most times, I can call that love to touch everything in my wake


    Most times, I can feel it in every vein


    Yet the times I don''t are why we are here.


    Most times, I love you with my first and last breath


    And sometimes


    Sometimes,


    I need to desperately remind myself that I do.


    Your eyes shutter in front of my words with an eerie blank look


    And I swallow and continue my self prophetic end.


    Sometimes, all I show you is painted with trembling hands


    I can''t quite show you my emptiness nor my numbness


    So I throw colours that fit more than not


    And hope you don''t ask.


    Sometimes I love you, but it''s from a script i wrote outside of those moments


    And I can''t quite justify writing that script to begin with


    I just knew


    That my attempt at humanity would fail one day.


    It''s grey, it''s dull, it''s missing three cubes of sugar


    It''s grey, it''s painted, it''s missing the warmth of humans


    It''s me, it''s me, it''s me.

 A Home out of River stones.

    I want a home


    Something in my heart pleads


    Yet I silence it with stolen glances and breaths taken on concrete


    I want him mine, something in me says all too weak


    And all I do is smile towards his distracted eyes and wink


    Where are you going next? My lips speak around ease


    Where away from me? My heart questions in defeat


    Here to that store


    There to that hill


    Somewhere in a kingdom where only rivers end.


    I nod and nod and nod


    I want a home in him, something pleads


    He doesn¡¯t, my clenched hands repeat.


    On most nights, I breathe


    Did you know that rivers run?


    Always and forever


    Flowing and not stopping


    On most nights, I try to breathe.


    Do you know what becomes of a home built on river shores?


    I try


    I try


    I try to breathe


    It drowns.


    There''s an ache in my heart all too clear


    When night quietens down and only we breathe


    A shine in my eyes you gaze at with a fond everything


    Yes, yes, it''s water


    No, no, it''s not what you seek.


    There''s a tremble in my hands even when buried in ground


    A hesitation to my voice that spells too many words I hope you never read


    Yes, I''m alone. Yes, I want a home.


    Yes, it''s you. Yes, it always has been.


    I want the kind of home you build


    On steady grounds with a picket fence


    I want the kind of home that stays


    That stays that always stays


    No


    No, that''s not it


    I just want you to stay


    I always have.


    You''re always quick on your feet


    Even when standing, even when resting


    Nimble fingers light feet


    A presence so faint you have to strain everything to see


    I would watch you dance around all what life gives


    With a faint smile and a stubborn utterly breathtaking glint


    I would watch you skip over life


    Like a stone on a river does


    Except you don''t stop


    You don''t fall


    You only ever flow


    It''s beautiful


    It''s everything.


    It''s worth the brightness in your gaze


    The pride in your smile


    The blisters on my feet.


    Our village is a tiny one


    Surrounded by a forest and nothing else


    The elders say in that threatening tone


    Children, don''t step into the unknown.


    You would sway in boredom and wait


    Then look at me with a shining gaze


    Mischievous and calm


    Like the unknown is only for those who don''t flow


    Want to go home?


    And I would nod like I always do


    First, with guileless curiosity


    Then, with fond confusion


    Couldn''t quite understand it then


    Why we never say the same words


    When speaking of home


    Then I understood


    Then I carried


    The ever-present dread between the fondness


    Yes, we can go home


    Yes, we always can


    But I only ever follow you


    Your home is not mine


    Or perhaps


    My home is not yours.


    In the forest, there was a quaint river unsullied by all


    You would sit at its bank and stare


    Til night touches the sky


    Til I have to hold tears back


    My fingers dig into the earth, and I bite my lips


    I''m never going to tell you how I fear every water you touch


    It''s your home it''s your home it''s your everything


    But god, how I wish it could be mine too


    How I wish I was anything but a human that fears rivers and ends.


    It''s the fact that you are here


    The fact that when I look enough


    When I try enough


    You are always here


    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it


    But my heart is troublesome


    My heart is childish


    It wants to know that it has you


    Even when not looking


    It doesn''t


    I don''t


    I don''t think anyone on this earth can.


    That''s just the beauty in you


    That''s just the river in you


    It''s the fact you are here


    It''s the fact you are not.


    I don''t wish to stop you


    I don''t wish any amount of despair on you to the day I die


    I want you to be happy and thriving and always always


    With that light in your eyes.


    It''s just difficult sometimes


    It''s difficult to build a home in somebody


    And watch it leave every time.


    You will come back


    And I will wait


    I just wonder I just question


    When will you not?


    I hardly compare to the mountains and the trees


    I hardly ever compare.


    When you are close, I am too


    You giggle at me all shy and swat my arms away


    And I laugh and continue it like a joke


    It may be the worst joke I told in life.


    I need you to breathe


    I need you to breathe


    Even though I don''t have you, I''m drowning


    Even though I avoid waters like the plague


    Even though I pull you towards land with mirthful eyes and tight hands


    I can''t escape what you are.


    It only ever lessens when I''m so close it''d be impossible for you to run


    When I''m so close, I can imagine


    Entering your chest and your heart and your blood


    And staying there


    Forever and ever


    And ever.


    You speak of far lands with a fascination I watch in silence


    The trees how their colours differ


    The food how its taste shocks


    The beauty and the people and the roads


    The flowing and the never-stopping


    And the gifts you brought.


    Sometimes, it lights me up so much that my entire being softens in your hands


    And sometimes


    Sometimes, it pains me to my core


    That the softness has an ache I''m quite familiar with


    And since you never notice a difference, I think


    That I''m always like that in front of you


    Soft light fond


    Aching hurt pleading


    All synonyms of my love.


    I let a breath out after months of waiting


    I haven''t been forgotten


    Your eyes still look towards me


    My heart still jumps.


    I accept the gifts with distracted hands


    Always in a hurry to touch you in some way


    Are you real


    Are you here


    Am I real for you, too?


    I put the gifts away with fast words I don''t quite remember


    Aching to have you in my hands


    Not your heart nor your home


    Nor much of what I seek


    But to a parched heart, and that''s all I am in front of you, anything is enough


    Any part of you is enough.


    You are the river that drowns me


    The well that escapes me


    The water I wish I could ever have enough of


    The water I wish I never touch.


    You are everything in my life, it seems


    Didn''t leave one thing to me


    That''s fine


    That''s okay


    I don''t seek much beyond you.


    I return the gifts on the nights you leave


    I go to the forest to the unknown


    To the first place that took you away from me


    And I hang them on trees


    Bury them in soil


    Scatter them on flowers


    I get down to my knees on the river bank, and I whisper


    To the unknown to the waters to the world


    Please return them to me.


    I get down to my knees


    And I pray


    Only the world that is in you


    Could ever lead you back to me.


    I do not know if the pleading of a human reaches the world


    But you always return to me with new gifts, and I liken them to new hope


    I always accept with open arms and open love


    It might not be a sign, but it might


    Let this be a way I can speak to your home


    Let my prayers be a way I can ever be in your home.


    People always look at us with some feeling I try to ignore


    Awe from the younglings searching for love


    Knowing from those who have it


    And yearning from those who once had


    The last one stops in my throat


    Makes me swallow all my words


    I avoid, and I ignore.


    Otherwise, I''ll just tell them all


    Yes, I searched for it


    Yes, I have it


    Yes, I''m always searching for it


    Yes,


    I''m always yearning.


    It''s not a story I speak to anyone


    Even if my everything is open in front of your eyes


    I would like to not agree to any of the pity-filled eyes


    Darling, your life is ahead of you


    Child you can love again


    Rivers are dangerous


    Rivers don''t stay


    How are you going to build a home on a rocking wave?


    I bite back words


    I bite back tears


    I turn my back and search for you again.


    They tell me to leave like I can


    They tell me to leave


    Like I have anything of a river in me.


    I''m human


    I''m human


    I''m human to the last inch of me


    I''m selfish and greedy and arrogant and hurried


    I love and hold on and never let go


    I stay I stay I stay


    I wonder if that makes me less than human


    Or more


    But it does not matter it does not


    It does not make me water you can hold.


    I tell this story in the only way I can


    In holding your hand with a scolding tone


    You always liked to touch the unknown.


    In staring at you in most of what you do


    Like every second holds a new you.


    In my heart beating for you


    So steadily and loyally


    That I fear sometimes It''s solely for you.


    In the far lands I smile upon hearing


    And the gifts I cherish while praying


    And the water I dry off you when it comes from a raging sea.


    I do it in the ache that tells me you''re here


    And in the home I rebuild every day


    You liked those purple flowers from that pretty land


    I put them around my home and inside my heart


    And wonder with trembling hands


    If you can ever stay.


    I tell it, and I tell it, and I tell it


    And I wonder if I will ever stop


    The words of my helpless love and my calling heart.


    (The lonely lover tells the story and often forgets


    That they are not the only one who can.


    The flower-like soul waits while the seasons change


    They greet the rain and the bees and bloom in their garden of chosen love


    But nothing quite lights the soul like the river that passes through with a delicate step


    The flower unfurls with a bashful love


    And the river so, so taken by its beauty


    Keeps the garden forever in its run.


    The soul forgets and forgets


    That a river returning against its current


    Is a river so deeply and utterly in love.


    But it is the fear that binds humans to earth


    It is the fear the river has


    When its love often forgets


    How one who is all water


    Is still quite human in the end.)

 What I am.

    I am more wool than bones most days, threads more than skin


    Tangled, frail, and ready to unravel with one tug.


    But I can''t unravel quite yet so I knit


    With trembling clumsy hands, I knit a sweater that hides my glitching heart and gloves that warm my ever-cold-seeking hands


    I make pants that hide the way my legs circle around and a hat to lower over my eyes and cover the overwhelming fear of being seen.


    I am wool more than bones


    And I have to knit all I am


    So that people don''t reach


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author''s consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    That one frayed thread


    That is capable alone of ending my tries.


    I don''t let go of them


    And I don''t get close to people who can knit


    They can''t see the crossed lines and the failed tries


    They can''t see how I can''t ever make my threads into something worthwhile.


    But still once in a while, I creep closer with a weakness I name my heart''s


    To watch the steady gentle hands tug and link colourful lines


    Carefully, softly


    With worthy results.


    And I stop myself with everything I have


    From throwing myself at their hands


    And begging with hushed teary words


    To please


    Fix what I am.

 Heart of mine.

    Oh, heart of mine


    If you could give me a break


    Your voice is so loud


    Why are you crying child?


    They have hurt you I hear your tears


    So so wide beyond your years


    They have hurt you more than they can see.


    Oh, bird caged in my chest


    Always fighting with my soul


    Why are you ablaze?


    Watching everything with a sad gaze


    You never truly accepted this cage.


    The moon will rise on your fears


    And you''ll hear the voice you seek


    It will call you its child


    It will hold you near.


    So until we pass this sea


    Until we leave,


    Can you hold on for me?


    Oh, weeping misery of mine


    You never run out of cries


    My arms don''t give you much warmth


    And my chest is too tight for your flight.


    I whisper late in the nights


    With a hand settled on your sounds,


    That I''ll be here no matter no what


    And that I hope you ever let me inside


    It''s lonely heart


    It''s lonely.


    Dear friend,


    I don''t have to say you''re mine.


    You know, and I know


    The unspeakable truth of what we hide.


    Two worlds never meant to be found


    Rather than joined and sewed like a beautiful gown.


    Yet I speak with your voice as much as you don''t in mine


    And if anyone looks they''ll see two of the same kind.


    Are we just that good at acting what we dream, friend?


    Or is it the denial we both drink greedily after every fight?


    (You know the answer and so do I, but I won''t talk


    No, you won''t listen.)


    Like a child you are


    I sigh fondly at your eyes.


    Teary and bright,


    And yet so so wide.


    Like a child you are


    You can''t let go of what you are.


    I smile behind my hand and hide


    Oh your ire was always one of a kind


    But I''m not laughing at you, dear mine.


    No,


    I''m laughing at those who see more than a child.


    (You''ll protest vehemently and you will frown


    But under that show of a child


    You''ll hold a gaze that drowns


    Yes, dear mine.


    You wish someone would see


    How you''re just a child.)


    Your curiosity never ebbs


    It bubbles and rises


    Yet hides beneath the surface.


    Am I the reason for your fear?


    Dear child,


    Am I the reason you fear?


    I tried to see the world without my eyes


    Maybe then the breeze would only carry light


    And it will reach the darkness you desire


    And maybe


    Stay more than a night.


    But I couldn''t, oh I still can''t


    Feeling you shrink inside me and hide


    What a failure I am.


    Your curiosity dims and it''s a tearful sight


    Like children being at war and birds on the ground


    It''s a horrible sight


    And I only gasp and choke with the plight.


    (Would you believe me if I said


    That I''m more scared than you somedays?)


    Desert of mine,


    How long will you search for the right time?


    Even a desert can die


    Yes even a desert can die.


    So where is that dam and what will break its act?


    The desert is cruel dear mine


    And nobody knows that


    Nobody does.


    A blue desert they see


    Birds flying and waves crawling


    A blue desert they see.


    (When will you stop? Nobody knows


    When will you stop?)


    Dear mine, I still ask


    With a quiet voice


    (You never liked the past.)


    If I could do anything to make you live again.


    And you shake your head with those stubborn tears


    Knowing you can''t live and crying it because oh


    Yes


    We just want to live, don''t we?


    Yes


    We always did.


    There was no certain moment when the line beeped


    Nothing so dramatic nothing so clear


    It was waves chipping away at the sea


    Between and in between


    You can''t see if the living beings cease.


    The shore stood still and there


    And it''s for the same reason our tears never land


    The sea screamed its depths and withered


    Like a rose dying within those who live


    With an intensity that chases even death


    And the shore didn''t stumble nor fear


    It stood sure in its place


    Looking at us


    With a wistful sorrow that was hard to see.


    Yes it knows it does


    The nights we spent


    Building towers upon towers


    Of things that were never us


    Like a mother, it looks at us with love


    Tainted by the sadness only a mother knows


    When she sees her child fighting so viciously


    Just to stay up.


    If it could give us the boat it would


    Throw it with the power only sorrow gives


    But the shore can''t move it can''t change


    One detail is enough for it all to fade.


    Because towers is a generous word


    Dripping in denial and heart-wrenching despair


    No


    They were not towers.


    Nothing that grand


    They were sand castles


    Built within the sea


    Frail and frail.


    So it ended


    So suddenly


    Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.On a cold night in January


    I felt it slip away from my fingers in fright


    Oh, I didn''t want to continue this life.


    You felt it too but you were louder than I


    Still young and hopeful


    Silly child of mine


    I couldn''t comfort you and I didn''t


    The pain of the loss still too fresh for it to be built


    Into pretty sand castles and shiny roads.


    So I stayed silent and watched you cry yourself into the earth


    It was shattering and the waves calmed in front of your storm


    I couldn''t find the words


    I couldn''t find myself


    How do we explain how it is to die


    When we still live?


    You continued your screams and I thought


    That it was enough.


    I see it in your eyes sometimes


    Even though you wrap it in your wary knowledge


    I always find .


    (Perhaps not wanting to be alone in my suffering


    Perhaps hoping for a return of anything.)


    That absent-minded smile that is buried behind your eyes


    It tells me you can still hear the voice of life


    It tells me we still can''t


    Forget our lives.


    But it''s not just a smile no, dear mine.


    When was anything just with you?


    It was a fragile hope after an eternity of darkness


    A little thing that sneaked in between the overwhelming trials.


    (To build the same castles we watched fall


    To watch the castles we built fall.)


    It was a soft grief


    A soft death


    A memory that kills


    Yet makes you alive.


    Watching the boys on the sand passing balls


    You smile in that soft reserved way and I know you''re remembering the time you ran after them yourself.


    (The tears still rush the same after all this time


    Grief grief grief.)


    Your arms tense around you and your eyes follow like a hawk


    We built every castle together and I know


    You want to tell them not to stray too far.


    Stay away from the sea children


    No, it''s not the pirates


    Not anymore


    It''s the waves


    It''s in the waves.


    But they won''t go near


    I don''t say


    I know that you know


    When the smile turns self-deprecating and cruel


    I know you know.


    (Nobody nears what they fear


    No


    But some people


    In some places


    Are born with their fear nestled inside of them


    So so close.)


    I walk through the warm sand towards the sea


    I can see your back facing me


    Eyes towards the sky


    (A caged bird can''t fly)


    You hear me coming and you don''t move


    The scene is too important no


    You don''t move.


    The waves are high today and they crash in your eyes


    The fear is there but also resign


    Yes, dear mine.


    We built mirages for a long while


    And the waves are ready to erase


    All our sorrowful tries.


    I sit beside you, not touching


    (A bird never likes its cage, even if it''s also caged.)


    We watch the waves for a while and I hear you exhale


    What is there to say at the end of this way


    When we built so many fakes


    That we forgot what it meant to be real


    But I wait and I don''t interrupt


    (Still, the cage always tries.


    In small, limited ways to make the walls less than what they are.)


    You don''t interrupt a dying wish


    No


    You don''t.


    We''ve gone far, you say


    (Have we?)


    We tried hard, you doubt but say anyway.


    Shaky, doubtful, yet always trying.


    After all those years,


    You still know how to break me.


    But I think it''s time to let go.


    You whisper slowly


    Afraid of leaving the helm even in your last moments.


    (Who knows what would happen if you''re not there?


    You have to make sure the castles are intact


    You have to make sure the waves don''t dry.)


    Let go of what, I ask the sky


    Yet you answer


    Always so wise.


    We were always meant to crash,


    (Like waves, something whispers deep inside)


    But we tried too hard to ignore that


    To change that.


    Even though we were born with the knowledge


    That birds fly, mountains stand and seas crash.


    (But isn''t it human nature you think with a pang of despair that always came in those moments


    Isn''t it normal to want to live?)


    (A voice says you died long ago and you crush it with every will left in you


    Because you can''t face the grief today


    Not today.)


    The waves creep closer and the scene almost looks to be horror


    Fragile castles surrounded by hungry wolves


    Waiting to bring it all crashing down.


    (You always watched and you always built after they fell


    But now


    Now you don''t


    It''s time to let go


    The sky agrees.)


    Your hand lies on the sand palm up


    And it''s such a fragile gesture that I can''t control my sobs


    Oh, dear mine


    You were always the better one.


    My fingers reach towards you like a whisper


    I''m sorry, they timidly offer


    And settle on your cold fingers.


    (Always so so cold.


    I could never give you warmth.)


    They ramble apologies and words


    Like a small child with hope


    How the roles turn how they go.


    I see the little smile flickering on your face and it makes the falling castles less the end.


    (Not a beginning no, not anymore.


    But still


    Something lighter and sweeter than the end.)


    Your hand engulfs mine with a careful warmth and I


    Break down along with the watery sand


    Hearing the words you left unsaid.


    "It''s okay, we tried."


    The sand returns to the depths of the sea and I close my eyes and breathe.


    (Something sweeter than the end.)

 Little girl, Protect your heart.

    I wake up this morning and this night


    And I close my eyes with the weight of my lies.


    Just another week just another year


    Just another success, just another gain.


    I wake up and I question with blurry hands


    If anything I ever touched was worth the searing pain.


    Look at the girl how she shines


    Manner in her words a gentleness in her smile


    Did you see her grades? Did you see her talents?


    One look at her eyes and you can imagine


    How she opens the windows for birds in the sky


    And drinks her tea on a picnic with starry eyes


    Laughter and kindness and so much good.


    Look at the girl how she shines


    Never would imagine she''s waiting for the end of time.


    Look at the girl look at the girl


    I''m begging someone to look at the girl.


    Another year ends and a flashy paper proves


    A passing of time, a breath finally in use.


    Here''s an end Here''s a smile


    Nothing fits and I wonder why.


    Thank you thank you thank you I repeat with shine


    Help me help me help me I whisper at nights.


    What is wrong with me?


    What is so fundamentally wrong that I can''t live up


    To any guise or any love


    The paper proves it and so do my tears


    What do they prove? Can you tell me if you see?


    I''m thankful for all the light I see


    So so thankful sometimes I wonder if I should cease


    Just enter a door and close it behind


    Just be what they see and stop my tries.


    So so thankful I wonder if I am


    Because I''m grateful and loving and greedy and needy


    I can''t live without the paper or the flashy words


    Greedy greedy greedy


    When does it ever stop?


    Can''t imagine there''s a well I''ll deem fit to end my thirst


    Parched so parched even in the moment of success.


    I might have got the shine but what about the colour?


    What about the next?


    What about that delicate shade of everything I only see in them?


    My clothes are too dark


    And my heart too light


    My eyes too bright


    And my smile too dim.


    The shades don''t match they don''t fit


    Maybe another paper will fix all this is.


    I laugh with my heart and smile


    Then it suddenly drops, and I have to put up the facade of time


    Pinched eyes pinched expression


    Still laughing just wondering if I''m too much of a vision.


    The shine only works if you see it reflected


    Off a wall or a table or a thousand footsteps


    The paper only works if you see it on the wall


    Hung and pristine and dried from all


    Tears and sweat and blood


    Breaths and worth and love.


    I think to myself with a quiet belief


    I''m only pretty if I''m not seen.


    The laugh should be moderate and the words should be weighed


    My hand movements careful and my whole being safe


    I should keep the distance keep the footsteps


    If anyone starts walking


    I should start running.


    It hits me at all times that I can never prepare.


    Every time my hand lingers enough to leave a trail


    Or my feet jump too high they cross the veil


    Every time someone looks and I swallow back fears


    They are looking they are looking


    Should be careful what they see.


    I silence it with all kinds of silence hidden


    Lighten my fingers like a dancer in mirth


    And stick my feet to the ground like it''s pride


    I silence it, I silence everything.


    I take every part of me and make sure it knows


    You''ll only ever be loved in your silence


    Never in your words.


    The hurt hits my body before I can swallow it.


    My heart pounds and my skin crawls


    Yes, this familiar feeling


    Yes, I''ve been hurt again.


    The silence is oppressive it scratches at my throat


    But letting out any sound would be akin to a dying wail


    My laughs hurt my hands hurt


    A scream would only damn me to hell.


    I''ve been hurt again, but it happens.


    So I''ll ignore the sudden darkness in my vision


    And the tense weight on my limbs


    Again again again


    Why does it happen every time?


    I was hungry now I''m not.


    Wish my heart would stop leaking blood


    How much longer can I live on my own blood?


    How much longer can I take the water of my tears and the flesh of my heart?


    I close the curtains, close the door


    Know in my quickened breaths it won''t wait much more.


    Lock the door, have to be sure


    Not a sound and not a word.


    I tie my eyes and I shut my mouth


    Bite my lips so hard it draws blood


    My mouth is closed my mouth is closed


    Can''t breathe but so can''t my words.


    I''ve been hurt again, my heart says in a small voice.


    Yes yes again and again I answer with clenched eyes.


    Where is your hate where is your loathing


    Where is anything I can protect my own with?


    Is it only me you wake your demons for?


    Is it only ever me that deserves your rage?


    You tell me to hide


    I ask where


    This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.


    You tell me to stop


    I ask where


    You tell me to stop and hide and silence everything.


    I choke and choke and choke


    And wonder if this fixes anything.


    Do I stop being hurt if I disappear?


    Do I never hurt if I never am?


    Is this what you want


    Is this what I need?


    Heart heart heart


    Why is it only me?


    I wrap myself in chains and think of delicate ribbons


    Those for shiny papers and this for a haggard body.


    I pull the chains and tighten my cage


    Is this enough to stop the pain?


    My head falls forward and only they keep me afloat


    Is this enough to protect my soul?


    People walk ahead or above


    They spare me a glance and never stop


    Some yank at the chains some caress like a friend


    Choking sobbing fearing


    Why do both feel the same to my battered everything?


    I cradle words of love with a careful defeat.


    They can destroy me they can sweep me off my feet


    I only put them in the soft delicate parts of my being.


    I don''t want them, but I do.


    I don''t want them in me, but I do.


    I need them I need them I need them


    My greed can''t ever let go.


    I just want them falling from a tree.


    I want them coming from the earth


    I want them beneath my feet


    If I look from a window, I wish the sky would cease


    No stars and no suns and no moons


    Just grounds and dirt and everything in between.


    If I lower myself to touch, I can feel


    If I crouch there in that garden and dance over the petals, I can feel


    In my hands and heart and the safe breath I keep


    If I hold myself carefully and stand after I lean


    Then I can keep


    I can keep.


    The sky is wide the sky is high


    If I look up I might never try.


    It''s better to flutter and float


    Over the earth like I''m somehow more


    I''m not and never will be


    But if I can appear to the flower a tower


    If I can appear to the love a castle


    Maybe then


    Maybe then, they won''t ever tear me away


    From my safe breath my safe haven.


    Look at the girl how light she treads


    Almost like a fairy hear the flowers tell


    She''s bright in her smiles and soft in her touch


    She''s everything one likens to a sun.


    Look at the girl how light she treads


    If she''s a fairy maybe she won''t be left


    Honey in her smiles and on her fingertips


    Would the flowers still sing to herself?


    She''s everything one likens to a sun


    Always there, waiting to be loved.


    The glass breaks, and I watch it with dull eyes.


    Only just a spike of despair over the coming nights


    I look at the one who broke it and name the tension in their hands


    Then the one crying on its shards and wonder what their tears say


    I look at the wall if it''s still standing


    And the floor if it''s still holding


    The threads and the wires and the careful treading.


    I go to step into it all too vacant


    But Oh,


    I can''t see the floor anymore


    My blood must have been too livid.


    You can''t cry once the glass breaks.


    The years have taught us to be sane


    You wait and observe


    What if the one who broke it needs help?


    Or the one who sweeps it


    Or the one who hides it


    Or or or


    You should wait before crying.


    A little blood never hurt anyone.


    After it''s hidden, look carefully at the threads


    Are they still tied? Are the wires still intact?


    Go to the one crying their heart out


    Soothe with words and wait for the inevitable sobs


    Blubbering with words, you learned to nod.


    Yes, they didn''t mean yes the glass was cheap.


    Yes, the floor was strong, yes it must have come too near.


    Yes, they broke it but do you remember?


    They were a child too, don''t you dare forget


    How are you going to help if you forget?


    They were a child, they were the glass


    The wires and steps and the fragile mass.


    Shouldn''t children be good at remembering


    At holding what the bodies weighed by years can''t?


    Do your role, child do your role.


    Listen to the sobs and clean the blood and remember


    Nobody is ever wrong.


    What''s the point of feeling when you are needed to act?


    You can''t wait for the walls to fall


    You can''t be busy in sobs


    You stand and you walk and you run


    And you nod and you agree and you remember


    And only when night comes and you fall in bed voided


    Only then can you cry, only then you can let it go.


    You can listen to your brain list all the reasons you should go


    You can watch the movie repeat


    And question how better could you have been meek.


    You can you can you can


    You can learn how people go insane.


    Look at the girl so bright in her being


    But why is she always so quiet why is she always so serene


    The birds are singing and the world is like a scream


    Look at the girl, why isn''t she here?


    The days will pass they will pass


    You''ll learn to hate you''ll learn to blame


    You''ll cry and beg at the feet of those who break


    And ask them what to do with your despair.


    You''ll hate so much you''ll throw it up with choking air


    You''ll blame so much you''ll take a blade


    But the days will pass again


    And you''ll remember how people go insane.


    The hate will quieten and the cries will silence


    You''ll take the blade and put it in your heart and be done with.


    No more hate no more begging


    You''ll only blink and continue remembering.


    The voices will ask after they calmed


    The storm will whisper after closing its eye


    What''s wrong?


    You didn''t break the glass you didn''t hide it


    Child, What''s wrong?


    You only blink


    Swallow the words swallow the blood


    The blade is in your heart, it''s yours to keep.


    Just this and that you choke out


    The papers are hard to get the shine is impossible to find


    They will titter they will grumble


    All in fondness and you will blink


    Everything about them tells you of their pride.


    Look how good you remembered


    Look how good you survived.


    Don''t be so weak thrown with a sharp voice


    So self-centered when none of the center touched your heart.


    Don''t be like this, how are you going to survive in the world?


    We asked you to remember we asked you to choke


    When did we ever ask you to cry?


    It''s not a big deal why are you staring with wide eyes?


    Have you not seen conflict have you not seen fights


    Staring at the ground and the walls


    Is this how you''re going to be out in the world?


    The storm the storm the storm


    It closes its eye and covets the broken homes in its trail


    The storm the storm the storm


    It closes its eyes and forgets


    Why people born in the storm can''t.


    Remember remember you have to remember


    Just because the walls didn''t break this time


    Doesn¡¯t mean you''re safe


    Just because the storm closed its eyes


    Doesn¡¯t mean


    You''re not an eye of a storm yourself.


    Step on wires but don''t name them


    Tie them carefully but never tell


    Comfort that and soothe this


    And never ever speak a word of it.


    Step on harsh grounds and avoid traps


    Think and think and think before moving


    Flinch when silent flinch when talking


    Watch and remember and wait for the obvious


    Nobody is wrong except you


    Nobody is wrong except you.


    And when you brave the world out of your rain


    Look at love given with a smile and don''t show a thing.


    The tremble in your hands and the jagged walls you built


    Take the love and give it back


    Smile and covet and have


    Never ever


    Leave a space for your despair.


    If you are an eye of a storm


    The least you could do is save them your rain.


    Look at the girl how loved she is


    Accepts it with grace accepts it with mirth


    Look at the girl and her wish


    Please may anyone never see me like this


    Look at the girl


    She''d rather be right than ever loved.


    When you brave the world


    Try to forget.


    Don''t look at the girl she''s too bright


    She can''t rest if she''s in your eyes


    Don''t look at the girl she''s too broken


    She wishes to be loved from a high


    Don''t look at the girl don''t try


    Can''t you see? Her threads can only be so tight


    Leave the chains and let her gasp and heave


    The girl only ever wanted to be.


    But she has learnt she has learnt


    Why people go insane.


    Get a bird and chain it to the ground


    Show your disappointment every time it looks up.


    Tell the bird to not be astray


    Life is earth, life is on grounds.


    Tell the bird ignore your heart


    Ignore the ache ignore the hurt


    Tie your wings until they cramp


    Shut your eyes until they bleed.


    Even if everything in you says you are from the clouds


    Whisper under your breath that you are from here.


    Wait for the pride wait for the nods


    Tighten the chains and smile and nod


    Little bird, you are only ever loved on earth.


    Remember remember you have to remember


    People go insane when their love is always something to dismember


    Wrong wrong wrong


    What part of me which heart


    What flesh do I cut so I fit


    So I love?


    Little girl


    Little child


    Protect your heart


    Protect your heart.

 Hope hope, never leave.

    And it''s quite hard to live a life without hope.


    Riding the train until the end


    Knowing without a doubt


    You will crash.


    Never mind the keys I clutch until I bleed


    And the tears I hold back


    And the fragile control I lash out with in stubborn denial


    I know well


    I know well.


    The moment you leave


    All my life as it is will end.


    There is nothing to be done


    We all know


    We all have known.


    But there is nothing to be done


    The future is so so dim


    I wonder how we live.


    A house and it should be reminded


    Cannot survive on one person.


    Yet it is what it is.


    And all the threads you hold in your hands


    If you leave, where do they go?


    If your hand that wipes away all our tears


    And carries our hearts


    And hides our scars


    If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it''s taken without the author''s consent. Report it.


    If it lets go,


    Who can ever


    Do what you did?


    I don''t think about the future.


    I, your daughter who goes crazy over unplanned things


    Flinch away from the mention of the future like it will kill me.


    And it would I think


    I know


    But humans are like that too.


    We buy pens that are going to run out


    And raise pets that are going to leave long before us


    We live in the present like the future isn''t ours.


    How else would we survive, mother?


    How else?


    I pray in whispers and darkness


    Never to be said out loud but felt all the same.


    That if someone were to leave


    It isn''t you.


    It''s selfish, but it''s not.


    It''s selfless


    But it''s not.


    I don''t see a life without you


    And I can''t ask if they do either


    It''s in their eyes, do you know?


    We are all filled with so much dread.


    We all know


    How everything will fall apart the second


    You''re not there to tape it together


    With hands or love or words or utterly fierce and desperate tries.


    I think we are too tired to ever be fierce in the right ways.


    The thought hits in all kinds of moments


    In the kitchen when I burn my food


    In the bathroom when the washing machine is beyond me


    On the dinner table when I see all our threads delicately held in a frail hand


    In my room when I stop and close my eyes


    Thinking what the hell


    Are we ever going to do without you?


    You built a family, but you did not


    You built a house, but you did not


    You saved what you could but


    You could not.


    I laugh out loud in disbelief


    Wondering if those are the people who are going to continue after you.


    I laugh and laugh and think that this train is really going to crash.


    But we live on


    Yes we live on


    Nothing much to be done.


    I''ll hide in your arms and wait for the crash


    I hope it has any kindness you had.

 The Eclipse has begun.

    You take the sky into your arms


    Darling, you are no sun, no star


    So why are you the one who


    Has to make the world spin?


    The moon has always been alone.


    Something about the way it floats


    Away from the light yet still there


    Never in one place never under a name.


    Call the moon and call it again.


    The only one who can hear your pain


    Is one who birthed such rain.


    So leave the earth and leave the sun


    Always so bright, what did they do for us?


    Looked down upon the dark


    The moon had to cry alone.


    Black nights were always fear.


    Those humans who don''t come near


    They don''t see no they don''t feel


    How the world was never one being.


    It has the light oh it has it


    And everybody wants to have it.


    But it has the dark oh it has it


    So why are you running from people who have it?


    Coward coward run far and far


    Stumble on the earth and cry


    The eclipse started oh it''s done


    Now it''s time for you to be shunned.


    Cower cower little child


    The moon said that it doesn''t need light


    Smile smile little sun


    How does it feel to be like us?


    Keep your face on no don''t crack


    Darkness has a way with slack.


    If you stop running, you will fall


    So run, run, run and never stop.


    Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.


    The world has changed oh it has turned


    And now the light is what hides.


    I would save you, I would try


    But the moon has always shined


    And it told me you never tried.


    So run, run, run and never cry


    Nobody will hold your eyes.


    Hate is filling all your guts


    It seems funny how you trust.


    But I tried to tell you once


    Nothing ever stays and stops.


    You laughed and twinkled like a star


    So I stayed silent I stopped tries.


    You couldn''t see and now you can


    Tell me how is it to be in vain?


    Life has always had a spot


    Soft and wide for those who light


    The sky up with their dreams and hopes.


    Yes, it always had a spot


    For all those little suns.


    Tremble tremble little ray


    How the sun is turning away.


    Closed eyes opened after a while


    They were open and so wide


    Seeing the world that shut their eyes


    They screamed with hate they laughed and smiled.


    You can''t stop looking at them


    Maniac are they or possessed


    No little thing nothing like that


    All it is


    Is life again.


    Clicking and raising eyebrows


    They question the world and question you.


    You shiver under their gaze


    Oh they smile how the world has changed


    They ask you in a soft soft voice


    Never had a thing for noise.


    "What have you done with our world?"


    "After we sacrificed, is that the ending that you saw? Is that what''s worth all that befalls?"


    Little little little glow


    What have you done to the world?


    Forgot your shadows, forget your scars.


    But don''t you know


    Don''t you know


    Darkness always finds a way.


    We have told


    And we have said


    To all the books and all the tales


    Be aware it never fails


    To come back when you despair.


    Listen to us we would know


    Yet here you are and here we are


    What have you done to our scars?


    Little little little smile


    I see you looking so wide


    Afraid of what I ask?


    What more than what you had?


    Never thought the dark would win


    Always thought it''s light or none.


    Now we stand upon our graves with black eyes oh you are trembling


    Maybe it''s time to be wary of us, we took a sea


    Thought that it would fix it up.


    Yet here you are and here we are


    So maybe maybe


    It''s time to scar.


    Apologies apologies is that what you have


    What use are they what do they have


    Your world has ended and you should fly


    Off the cliff or away from the eyes


    Just like we did just like we cried


    It''s


    Your


    Turn


    To be


    Alive.

 What if not Gold?

    And it always came back to that question


    Staring at him with frustrated eyes and disbelief.


    "Why do you do this?"


    And he would raise an eyebrow like it was all some big joke only he laughs at.


    He would point at the golden certificates on the wall and the framed words that are updated obsessively


    Desperately.


    The frustration would only increase and he would look back calmly


    Because he knows it''s not a joke.


    Staring at the ceiling on long nights


    He knows with all his heart


    With all his battered exhausted being


    That it was never a joke.


    But he can''t quite let people know that too.


    So he raises an eyebrow and points and it all says


    Isn''t it obvious?


    And the harsh words and swiped tears would answer


    "Then why aren''t you happy?"


    He stares at the golden walls and replies ¡°I am.¡±


    The door slams on his barely concealed lie


    And he stands there with a strained smile


    Wondering why exactly he feels the need to put it on in an empty room.


    Maybe in another world, he would have been honest.


    He would have stared at the frustrated worry and answered all too honest and genuine


    "If not this then what am I worth?"


    If not the gold he puts on the walls


    And the words that never work but are still there


    If not for the things he can do


    The things he is good at


    If not if not


    What is he worth?


    If he drops the facades


    And the things he is good at but really doesn''t want to do


    If he stops hearing the words that prove he is still there in some way yet make him wince with their weight


    If not for all the things he should do


    For all the things he doesn''t want to do


    This narrative has been purloined without the author''s approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.


    Who would he be? Who would care about someone who doesn''t care about themselves?


    Who would look at his dull eyes dull dreams dull words


    And think that there is something worthy of love?


    How can he look at the mirror


    And leave his bed


    Knowing that he''s no longer the only one who knows


    How broken he is?


    If not for the medals he wears


    And the grades he clutches with trembling hands


    And the smiles he draws every day with sharp fingers that don''t quite know how to draw what is expected


    If not for all the things that make him normal


    What would he be


    What can he be?


    How can he live with the overwhelming need to be something?


    How does he live with never being something?


    The need to be more than a body wasting away in a dark room.


    The need to live


    To breathe without wondering if the breaths he takes are the right ones


    To do the things people do.


    To be the things people are.


    Without having to try


    So so hard


    All the damn time.


    How does a human


    Be?


    He thinks of the countless nights he spent with his face on the floor.


    Desperately waiting for everything to stop


    Yet meeting the new day with darkness under his eyes.


    He thinks of the papers he wrote


    The suffocating hands of doubt around his heart


    The voice that whispers that this all will fail.


    He thinks and thinks and thinks


    Staring at the paper in his hand


    Not a big change from what they said


    A few numbers don''t change much


    Try harder next time


    You are good


    Just a fluke


    Next time


    Try


    Try


    Try.


    Biting his lips to stop his loud sobs, his head bows in defeat and his eyes close so tightly he feels faint.


    How long?


    How long does he have to try for?


    The numbers don''t change much


    But without the gold


    Without the gold


    What is he worth?


    Sometimes he wishes to stop.


    Being


    Thinking


    Trying


    Being.


    Sometimes he just wishes everything would stop


    So he can stop seeing how people live.


    How they smile


    Wide


    And laugh


    Loud


    And work for grades


    And gold


    And worth


    Without it all seeming like an act that hides something that isn''t quite human


    Isn''t quite not.

 Stop signs.

    You say you don''t want to live


    But you run that much faster.


    You say you don''t want to go


    But you break down at stop signs.


    Success is not the goal


    You comfort with kind eyes


    Yet when it comes to yourself


    How is it you only see


    Above ninety-nine?


    You run until you forget how to breathe


    Because you really believe


    That if you can breathe


    Then you''re doing it wrong.


    And if you''re doing it wrong, then everything will be wrong.


    Even in the deepest part of you


    Everything will be wrong.


    You run and pretend


    You''re doing this for anything


    That''s more than a numbing pill.


    A moment in between being and not being


    That silences the ghosts that creep


    And the doubts that sleep


    This book is hosted on another platform. Read the official version and support the author''s work.


    Under your skin and breathe.


    A moment of not being here


    That fogs the eyes unclear


    And lets the body just be


    Without the always pressure of being.


    Because sometimes you don''t want to see.


    All the sights slumbering in your lids


    You just want to delete.


    Forget the now and then


    And exist in something that''s merely here.


    Sometimes you want to disappear


    Not behind death doors not that kind of leave


    No


    Not that kind of leave.


    But the kind where you let go of every piece


    Let it float and join the clouds and be


    Out of shape and out of ideals


    Disappear out of that thing


    You call me.


    Success is not the goal.


    You say in sharp pants


    Like you didn''t cross the whole word for a resemblance of a you can.


    Success is not a guarantee


    You repeat in your screams


    Like you can sleep at night without a grade saying you''re still here.


    How much is you


    And how much is a simple primitive hunger for a win?


    How much of you is alive


    Under all those wins?


    You lay up at night


    Awake with all the voices that cry


    What you did wasn''t enough


    What you carried didn''t measure up.


    Moving onto your side you grasp


    The threads of your hair and hold onto them


    Afraid


    Always always so afraid.


    With a desperation that calls the tears upfront


    Because they seem like all the threads and ends


    You always lose between your thumbs.


    You lie awake at night


    Coiling fingers into ashy hair


    Reflecting the forever ache


    Of never being enough.

 All I need.

    All I need is me


    Yeah


    In the end


    It''s all just me.


    Words repeating in my head


    Trying to be a belief


    Against that voice that whispers


    They are here and near.


    All I need is me


    Yeah


    With all those scars


    I can''t have more than me.


    Even if they hurt


    Even if they bleed.


    Tears running down my pillow


    Another night of no sleep


    Spent in the harrow


    Of killing the only thing I need.


    I know all I need is me


    I have to know


    I have to believe


    Because others are not near


    Not a mile


    Not a street.


    So I walk down the road


    Soaked from head to toe


    Wondering if at the end


    Is anything worth fighting for.


    It seems weird


    Having all you need


    Yet aching for everything in between


    Hollow middle


    Hollow being


    A hole where your heart should be.


    Because it''s probably not that you are all you need


    But that you are all what you have


    No matter what scene


    Misery is it or serene.


    Hey you


    You are all you need


    Tomorrow, today and yesterday


    You are all you will ever need.


    So, please


    Please


    Forget about being complete.


    Because for people like us


    Dreams end with tears


    Tears in your eyes


    Tears on your hands


    It always just ends up with a tear.


    I walk down the road


    The rain is loud and strong


    It washes the wish of before


    Of having someone to call my own


    Of having someone that is not buried in my bones.


    With the rain comes the blood


    Like washing dirty mud


    It soaks the streets and the sky above


    And the world turns on its axis and runs.


    So much blood


    So many scars


    Just


    What am I fighting for?


    What is at the end of the road


    What was at the start


    What made me ever think


    I can move on


    In this bloody world, I call my own?


    So much blood yet people go


    Come and go and come and go


    Maybe I''m silent maybe I''m mute


    Even though I can feel the sorrow tearing my throat


    Maybe I''m water maybe I''m clear


    Like a mirror maybe they don''t see.


    Come and go and come and go


    Always like a ticking clock


    They go and row


    Down the streams of my blood, they row


    Leaving and forgetting with a boat full of laughs


    I watch their fading backs


    You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.Watching my blood leading their way back


    And I think that it''s how it is


    It is how it should be.


    Because all I need is me


    Even if my blood sings and streams


    All I need


    Is me.


    The time moves around my feet


    I''m standing somewhere


    Probably from fear


    Frozen with the reality of who I have to be.


    Reality was always so severe


    The heartache and the screams


    Always so severe.


    The time moves and I mimic its ticks


    Tick tock, I sing.


    Balancing on a thin thread with no wings


    I sway with the wind and sing.


    Tick tock tick


    How much more til I leave?


    Tick tock tick


    How much more is left of me?


    I open the windows to the sun


    Letting it chase out the dark


    Not needing darkness to be aware


    That night is always there.


    I open the windows and wave


    At the birds flying on their way


    To a home they always change


    And marvel at their brave


    With a heart that''s still weeping in its first home


    I marvel at their brave.


    They sing in the vast skies and I laugh


    Because who other than birds can make leaving not so sad?


    I laugh and hold my battered soul


    Hearing it open the door and peak


    At a scene it never really knows.


    Always leaving


    Always in joy


    How?


    It wonders, torn.


    I stay silent because I don''t know


    Because I who broke down on every road


    Can''t possibly know the joy of the birds and their soars.


    Stumbling on words


    It became a hobby, a chore


    Always struggling to explain


    Why is it I''m so far away


    Always struggling in my struggles


    Because circles have always empowered


    The mind of a ten-year-old


    That thought of them as endless worlds


    And she grew up and knew


    Endless she was right


    But worlds is far away from their sight.


    They are endless and they end


    More than you can understand


    More than she did.


    They ended a child


    Ended a life


    Created a monster


    That doesn''t stop circling itself


    Like a predator with no prey


    The only prey it found


    Was the fragile star inside.


    It flickered in the day


    Flickered in the night


    Never finding the right time


    And if the predator ever won


    No court would welcome it in


    Because if there is ever a win


    The only name it would be called


    Is a being that killed itself.


    Nobody can save you nobody can


    Nobody is coming nobody will.


    It''s written in the rules with all your blood


    All you need is you


    No


    You are grown enough


    To know the truth and know what it is.


    You are grown enough


    And it was written in the rules


    That you, the ten-year-old child


    Will always


    Have just you


    And that it has to be enough.

 A village and a Child.

    They say it takes a village to raise a child.


    But what if the village is broken beyond repair?


    Fundamentally flawed


    The kind you can''t fix with kind words


    Like putting a band-aid on the place a knife goes.


    What becomes of a child


    That is raised by such a village?


    They''d stare no doubt.


    Ignoring the bright smile painted like petals


    Delicate, misty and fragile.


    They''d follow the child around


    Waiting for the answer to shout out.


    But the child will keep the painted smile


    They will bow and laugh and dance


    Like a dainty flower


    They won''t let anyone see


    The broken mess they can''t be


    It goes like this.


    The tiny village raises a child


    And glares


    Waiting for a weakness they can find


    It goes like this


    The tiny village raises a tiny child


    And it''s all drowning in a striking shade of red wine.


    The child will leave the village one day.


    They whisper in barely contained hate


    The ungrateful child will leave one day.


    But for now, they smile.


    Under the weight of a hundred stares


    They carry it


    All too brave


    Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.


    And they walk the paths of a dusty village.


    With houses built and people broken


    They walk the paths of a quiet village


    And fill it with their humming voice


    Like a bird searching for a house


    They fill the emptiness


    And ignore the echo they feel inside.


    The child is brave


    The child is frail


    With a painted smile and a humming voice


    The child is frail


    But that is the price to pay


    Born on glass shards


    Born in glass houses


    All too broken


    All too broken


    That is the price to pay


    When a village raises a child.


    There will come a future from far.


    The child taller than the skies


    With a gaze that still paints


    And a smile that still shakes


    The child will walk the paths of the village


    With steps bigger than the ones they trace


    They will go to the house stuck in every dream


    The start of everything they see


    And they will knock.


    A jarring sound in an empty void


    They will knock


    All too brave


    And they will smile


    In the face of everything they left behind.


    Fingers stall on the door


    To let them in or to kick them out?


    Ungrateful.


    Something whispers in the air


    But a mother''s heart is all too big.


    So the fingers open up a small entrance


    One more fit for a child


    Yet it says something about them.


    How they easily fit into the broken spaces they left behind


    How they belong to the messy picture hung on the wall.


    The future will come and they will go back to their past


    Wondering how nothing ever changes in the place they call home.


    With a bleeding heart and a painted smile


    They sit in front of their mother


    Being avoided like an illness


    Stings and burns


    Yet they push on


    Look at me.


    Something screams in them


    They only whisper it


    Look at me, mother.


    The future will come and the child will ask


    Why their mother couldn''t be the only hand.


    It takes a village to raise a child.


    She would sob


    And they would laugh and smile


    Until their mouth carries the sharpness of a knife.


    Yes, mother.


    This is what happens


    When a village raises a child.

 Water between your Ribs.

    When you comfort me with your words


    Is it your soul I reject?


    If I show you the imperfect unpolished core of me in my tears


    And you answer with your hurried honest being


    Is it yourself I reject?


    There isn''t time for thinking in front of calamity.


    No time to pick and discard


    Beautify and paint


    So the words I turned my head away from


    Are they your soul?


    And if so


    If so is true


    Are we, my loved one


    Two beings that souls can''t touch?


    Are we, my loved one


    Able to love in such a way?


    Is it a tragedy? Is it a life?


    When I cry


    When you cry


    If our ragged edges can''t complete


    If they hurt and bleed


    My dear,


    Are we supposed to love?


    You look away with a frown


    Trembling hands that ask me to not repeat


    Any word of that question that will break


    Most of what we ever tried to build.


    But dear one, I need to know


    You told me once, fondly and with laughter in your voice


    That I am the type that can never stop


    Searching for answers once the questions touch my mind.


    You laughed once


    But now your closed-off body is telling me


    That you wish I was anything other but.


    And that


    That, dear one


    Is it not something we should face?


    The nights after my tears were always the coldest.


    You held me so tight in our bed, in our hard-earned home


    And yet your fear-filled eyes turned my body into ice.


    The sobs you hide with rushing water


    And the redness we both face the new days with


    I, of my own tragedy and despair


    And you, of your helplessness and fear


    Of not being enough to the only one you chose


    And hoped with clenched fingers


    To be enough for.


    Your smile painted over breakfast we can''t swallow


    My apologies that are repeated over our days


    And your strained features that don''t know where to take any of them.


    You are enough, I swear with all my tired broken heart


    And yet in the moment, you can never reach beyond the utter despair that holds me


    And yet in the moment, every part of my being tells you that you aren''t quite.


    Even though I long for you in every other way


    Even though I need you in every other way


    It is this particular and only way


    That might be the end of us.


    I wished for change in the worst of those days.


    Wished for a whole other soul


    That might be pretty enough to connect edges with anyone on earth


    But with you most of all


    With you most of all.


    I wished for another being and another name


    Something you can call without it breaking your heart apart.


    And yet on those nights, you screamed at me with fury in your eyes


    That my name is the only one you fell for and it will stay


    And for that, my heart, I cried


    For that, I sobbed.


    For we are so in love in my eyes and in my pain


    For we are so intertwined that love without the heartache is nothing we seek.


    For that we can''t, no matter how much we try


    Find a way out of this misery we breathe.


    You wouldn''t love anybody else. I can see it in your eyes.


    That in even the darkest moments


    Where anger is higher than any promise


    You still


    Above all


    Look into my eyes like you can''t bear all else.


    You wouldn''t, and my soul knows the same


    That my love was grown for you and perhaps


    Perhaps


    Finished on you too.


    But is it worth it dear heart?


    Is our love worth all this heartache


    All these tears?


    If you have to hold onto me so tight


    With terror in your veins


    And a feathery smile on your face


    If I have to rest my whole being on your hands just to assure


    That this is where I chose to belong.


    If you need the whole weight of my burdensome existence just to believe in our love


    Are we meant to love


    Should we love?


    I, beyond anything else


    And more than any other wish


    Wished that your arms were enough to hold my battered and utterly incapable of being held self.


    Beyond anything else


    I wished that somehow and without reason or logic


    Your arms will be able to hold my watery and fleeting existence.


    To keep it tethered and centred


    To make it believe in anything other than its own tragedies.


    Even though I tried all my life


    Even though I broke in search of it


    Even though I told myself that some people just


    Don''t rest.


    But it is my greed that brought us here


    It is my foolish and utterly hopeful heart


    That ignored all the scars it wears


    And threw both of us in this story I wish with all my heart


    That you never entered.


    Your love was new to my soul


    And in its uniqueness was my fall.


    I couldn''t use any walls I built


    For that you could jump over them


    With ease I never felt.


    For that you, most of the time


    Destroyed my walls without knowing they even exist


    Gently and methodically


    One bright laugh at a time.


    I couldn''t shut you out with any cruelty I learned


    For that your kindness was one I never saw.


    You were lovely, in every way


    And I didn''t stand a chance


    And mostly and honestly


    Didn''t want to have one.


    I fell


    Completely and erratically


    Nothing like the elegant picture my heart has of you.


    And yet you caught me somehow


    You said I fell too


    And I couldn''t believe it back then


    Looking at your soft unscathed skin


    And your bright sated eyes and soft calm breaths


    Couldn''t believe that someone like you fell for someone like me


    When I was lying on the ground trying to catch my breath.


    I never told you those thoughts.


    It was fear perhaps


    Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    Of confirming that your fall wasn''t quite the all-encompassing feeling I struggle to keep inside most times.


    It was fear perhaps


    To know I fell into another hope


    With someone who survives falls like they never happened


    To the extent it almost seems like


    They didn''t happen.


    My heart whispered your name in awe


    And I hit my chest with tears running down my face


    It is a tragedy waiting to happen, I repeated in hysterics


    Happened, waiting to happen


    Will happen.


    Yet my heart didn''t care.


    Defiantly and Stubbornly replied


    That life without love isn''t easier than this


    And what of tomorrow I asked


    What of the pain that is coming I pleaded


    Quietly and in aching beats it said


    What of the pain that is now?


    I didn''t tell you any of this.


    A coward I was or a greedy man who couldn''t think of losing his treasure


    I alluded in peaceful silences


    With a joking tone and light words


    That don''t come near to the reality of how much I hurt those who try to love anything I am.


    And you would hum and listen


    Laughing at all the right moments


    Then you would look at me and stay silent for a few moments


    Just looking with a faint smile


    And the replies varied


    And sometimes didn''t happen.


    As I was a child begging you to understand


    But never strong enough to tell you in a way that might make you do.


    But once


    And only once, since I''m beginning to understand (and how late it is.) That you were also not strong enough to face someone believing they are undeserving of love


    When your love and heart and being


    All belonged to them.


    You said


    That the people who love me know


    And I was stunned by the utter grief in your eyes


    That I couldn''t ask any of the questions that might have saved us from more despair.


    What part did they know?


    That I can''t be loved? That I''m hard to love?


    That I''m watery and impossible to hold


    Complicated, tired, unable to give much


    Not having much


    Or, looking at your sorrowful eyes


    That I can''t accept love?


    I didn''t ask.


    And the moment passed as it is


    But returned in every moment after


    In different words and looks and pain


    It returned.


    And neither of us were brave enough to sit down


    And fix it from the moment it had begun.


    It''s something like that I think.


    I never told you any of those things, and I lived on the foolishly confident assumption


    That you needed my words to know them.


    When the truth turned out to be


    And like you said


    The ones who loved me always knew.


    (If I told you this discovery you would laugh


    A tearful fond sound


    And I would apologise to your returning ire


    If I told you this you would say


    "You were always the type to never let go of the answers you found, no matter who says and who does.


    You hold onto them dearly and desperately.


    Sometimes, and you would cry on this, more than you hold onto your loved ones.")


    It is like that I''m starting to realise.


    However late it is, however cruel I was in my lateness.


    I wished forever for arms to be able to hold my being


    And later on, I wished for your arms only to do such a thing.


    But from the moment you asked my name with a curious look


    And from the moment I answered your question and every other one that followed


    You had held onto me


    You had held me in your heart


    And in your care and words.


    You opened more than your arms to me


    You bared yourself to me and only ever asked in return


    That I do the same.


    Yet I couldn''t believe that I can ever fit into any space you make for me


    Even when you kept your aching arms raised


    And tearful eyes accepting


    And struggling heart loving


    I couldn''t believe


    That it is anything that can accept me.


    And in the long years ahead where you dropped your arms and held onto me instead


    Ruthlessly and viciously and so so defeated


    I wondered


    In so many tears and so many moments of utter self-hate


    If I can ever deserve your neverending tries.


    You would shake your head and beg with exhausted everything


    Hiding your face in your hands and trembling violently.


    I''m here right now


    You would say


    I''m here and I will be here


    It isn''t going to change


    Will you ever


    Let me hold you?


    But what if we fail? I would counter


    What if I let you and we fall


    What if we fail and everything dies?


    And your red eyes and bleeding heart would answer instead of your silence


    What is this we are doing if not failure?


    I whisper one night with my ears close to your erratic heart


    How could I ever repent for how I hurt you?


    And your hands would tighten on my body with a breathless laugh


    Love is blind, you would whisper back, and I have been utterly blind for you.


    I close my eyes painfully and wonder if this could ever be the love you deserve.


    And you would answer my unspoken doubts


    With a voice that knows it deserves more


    Yet wants it from just the person its heart chose.


    I''m drowning in you, you have made me drown


    And yet


    I see no light of salvation in front of me


    Either save me and come with me to land


    Or we drown together.


    You would laugh, a broken choked off sound


    You say your existence can''t be held


    Yet it has buried itself in me to the deepest part of my soul


    And it won''t let go.


    Would you ever


    Just accept us?


    It is the utter defeat in your voice, I think.


    It is the utter defeat that makes this love so hard to bear


    Because even then your hands


    Never let go of my weight.


    I''m okay.


    You would repeat with wild and bloodshot eyes


    And I would rest my head on your back


    Not stopping you from hiding the tears you think will make me let go.


    I would rest my head and whisper tiredly


    After another cold night of love not being enough.


    You are not okay.


    And your whole body would tremble and shrink


    Screaming at me


    What do you want me to do?


    Just tell me what I can do


    I will do it but just


    Your voice cracks on the words and you fall, and I follow.


    Hiding you from the world but most importantly from me.


    But just tell me something. Anything.


    I don''t know how to love you anymore


    Then shouldn''t you stop?


    I ask blankly and your nails imprint on my arms that are caging you


    Do you think it''s that easy? You would question with barely repressed rage.


    Should it be that hard?


    Should love be that hard?


    Your body would shake violently with your sobs


    And I would nod to your repeated whispers with closed eyes.


    Selfish, selfish, selfish


    I tighten my arms around your body and I nod


    My foolish greedy selfish heart.


    We should end this.


    My words hang in the air


    Bring a stillness that makes it hard to breathe.


    Your fingers twitch in a memory of your stubborn heart


    Your brave stubborn beautiful heart.


    But they still.


    They still and I exhale all my hesitant thoughts


    We should end this


    I repeat and your breaths are shaky.


    Staring at the table not looking at me


    Vacant eyes telling me you''re thinking of our story


    From start and


    To end.


    Your face is pale


    And your body is frail


    We both know


    I took from you much more than you should give.


    Your fingers twitch again


    And mine do the same


    I raise my eyes to the ceiling and blink away the tears


    Holding on isn''t the answer anymore


    Perhaps it never was.


    I tried


    You whisper in a tired voice


    I tried to love you but you


    Looking me in the eyes with a hollow laugh


    You make it impossible to be loved.


    My heart shrinks and I silence it with trembling breaths.


    I''m sorry


    Your eyes sharpen with the usual ferocity you used against my self-doubt


    Only this time it is only against me and I


    Welcome it with accepting everything.


    I deserve your guilt until the day I die and perhaps beyond


    But that is not the point of this.


    You lean on the table and push my chest with your finger


    (How my heartbeats still quicken, how they still call.)


    The point of this


    Is that your heart deserves more than you give it.


    Your cold hands hold my face gently and with a familiar sadness.


    I loved you


    In all our moments I have loved you


    But I can''t love you for both of us


    I can''t love someone who thinks they can''t be loved.


    Your fingers map my face with slow longing movements.


    I loved your heart and soul and brain and being


    And I would have drowned if it meant holding the existence you liken to water.


    Your fingers stop at my eyelids and gently close them


    I inhale sharply when your lips meet my closed eyelids


    One after another.


    Your whisper warms my face and makes the tears fall


    But it isn''t about me


    It''s about you.


    And until you brave the waters alone


    It''s time for me to leave.


    I sob desperately trying to breathe with my eyes clenched shut


    And I feel your tears joining the warmth on my face.


    You breathe your final words into my lips, where our salty tears join


    Trying to give me the bravery you always seemed to have in front of my wavering fears.


    You will always be loved.


    You say, surely and slowly


    Like it is a mere fact of life.


    You just need to accept


    Not deserve, or win or be worthy of.


    Accept your heart


    Accept that it can be loved


    And when you do


    A sobbing sound cuts your words and I hold onto your hands that still, at our last moments, hold me so gently


    When you do,


    I will be there to show you my love.


    I rest my face and once again my weight on you


    With horrifying sounds that I can''t stop


    Speaking of my misery and pain and utter fear of a forever inability to be loved.


    Yet you only hush me with gentle sounds


    And let your fingers wipe my tears for the last time


    Hoping that I can come back to you


    Hoping that the pain in our story has a happier end.


    You take a breath and slowly let go of my desperate hold on you


    Being kind even in our end.


    Your forehead touches mine and I can''t open my eyes


    Can''t see you leave or cry once again because of me


    And maybe for the last time


    Yet you whisper and I can''t ignore


    Look at me.


    I can''t ignore


    My eyes open slowly and my vision is blurry


    Yet I can see the soft and sad devotion in your eyes


    So so honest in a way we couldn''t be before


    So so brave in a way only you could be.


    We don''t need any more words


    Not when even in your eyes


    My existence is so carefully and lovingly cherished.


    I''ll learn


    Your eyes soften and you nod


    You will.


    And I love you


    You nod again with a small smile


    You do.


    Thank you


    I sob again


    Your body deflates with a relief so strong it makes you close your eyes.


    No, thank you.


    And when the door closes and the silence returns,


    I lie on the ground listening to my own heartbeat


    That I silenced in my fragile wish to not be hurt.


    Listening to it talk in soothing tones


    We will try.


    It promises


    And I softly rest my hand on its sounds


    We will


    I assure


    For both of us.

 Red sirens, Honey eyes.

    Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling


    Choking on my blood, the voices stopped screaming.


    Dripping in red, I cry


    These silent tears that don''t dry


    They soak the carpet underneath


    Fall between the cracks in the floor


    The cracks in my heart.


    I hear the sirens coming from far


    And it''s such a bittersweet alarm.


    Always too far


    You can''t reach what you can''t reach


    But I wish under the haze of defeat


    That someone sees the building I painted red in every scene


    Screams with a voice I don''t have


    That someone in there needs.


    Cars pass the windows, and the shadows dance in front of my eyes.


    Life is always so fast


    Chasing and running


    Dodging all attempts


    Winning the race and ruling it


    The prize and the racer


    The player and the game


    How do you win such a game?


    The endless road stretches on for miles


    And under the shade of red wine


    I taste the bitterness of every failure I hid under a smile


    You can''t hide what you can''t hide


    But you can try


    And you can fall trying


    You can reach the bottom of yourself trying.


    It''s a belief that I have


    A fear that I have


    A vision so clear every time I think


    I just want to rest


    A fall so deep every time I close my eyes and think


    I just


    Want to rest.


    If I stop trying, I''ll die


    If I stop trying, I''ll be spread wide


    Open for anyone who has eyes.


    They''ll see the scars and the failures


    The fears and the pains and the regrets and the overwhelming sadness I can''t fight most days.


    The blood, the blood, the blood.


    I can''t let them see


    How messed up I can be


    But staring with blurry eyes in an unidentified night


    I think maybe I tried too hard


    Because now, no matter what I say or do


    Nobody


    Sees.


    A laugh bubbles out of me uncontrolled


    It burns my throat and makes the night more unreal


    Because ah


    I tried too hard, didn''t I?


    Always an overachiever


    Even in pain.


    The laugh is hysterical and unplaced in the pool of red I became


    But another one soon follows after


    And another


    Laughing


    I am laughing at my life more than anything


    At the way I always pick the road with the more pain


    The alley with the less light


    At my inability to live in anything remotely light


    At my fear and wincing face every time the sun shines


    A new battle a new scar


    "You really have to try."


    I got too used to the night


    Too used to hiding in its sights


    My shadows are bigger than me


    I accepted that a long time ago


    I have a body


    And it''s not mine.


    Accepted, screamed, nodded, sobbed


    I try.


    The shadows are so tall


    Like a family figure that was supposed to be safe


    And a dream limit that was never supposed to end


    Like an alight soul that was supposed to live.


    Ah


    Blinking in the darkness, I try to gather my thoughts


    Strings on strings


    Voices on voices


    It''s hard to follow a single one


    But the shadows


    Yes


    Those are easy to find


    Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.A soul knows itself more than anyone after all


    A soul knows itself.


    The shadows are loud


    Not in the dramatic sense


    Of screams and wails


    No


    The shadows are so loud


    And it makes the silence suffocate every light.


    Feeling something dark resting under my skin


    Feeling it rear its head every time I lose control


    Every time the smile strains under the weight


    Of trying all the damn time.


    Hearing an echo of a silence that should be void


    And yet


    It''s like an illusion.


    A carefully crafted one that sometimes


    Sometimes, I wonder


    If I am imagining things.


    But I am not


    I know I am not


    I hope


    I wish


    Because the itch I scratch in my arm says


    There is something vile hiding inside


    Behind the curtains, slumbering


    Showing a silence that smiles while covering chaos upon chaos


    Loss upon loss.


    It''s not loud


    It''s not screaming


    It''s shattering


    And in front of the silence


    All I can do is scream


    So I do


    I do.


    I hear whispers of laughs every time I break


    Like a puppet hanging by a thread


    I entertain the crowd with every new pain


    And I can''t talk or cry or ask for help or do anything anything at all


    Because it''s silent


    Yes


    I am the only one who is screaming.


    Lying on the cracked floor with a cracked heart


    I laugh and cry and hope


    And I try


    This is me trying, I want to scream


    But I don''t.


    Whose tries end in blood?


    Nobody will believe.


    Hearing the sirens coming closer, I close my eyes and hide


    Because oh they''ll see


    They''ll see and look and pity


    And I just wanted the voices to stop


    Why


    Why do they never stop


    Opening my eyes to a blurry picture of a worried woman, I sob.


    Why do they never stop?


    I can see the pain in her eyes, and it cuts the places I left uncut


    Because under the curse of the silence


    I did everything I could, and it ended with me here


    Grasping onto threads of life


    With a foot out the door


    Away from the cliff


    Watching pain bloom in another person


    That''s too different from the one I always see in my dreams.


    It hurts.


    More than anything


    More than any blade


    The grief of not being loved


    It always hurts


    So


    So much.


    With blood leaving me and falling


    And tears streaming silently


    Under the careful touches of hurried hands


    And the shouting voices that soothe the ache of being unheard


    I close my eyes and stop trying


    Like a line in a hospital


    Finally, ceasing the fight


    I stop


    And hope that it would become the end.


    (It lingered there, deep inside my heart


    Behind that wall of laughs


    Under the cover of who I had to be


    Inside the box of every loss I had


    The dream of seeing honeyed eyes looking with love


    Light safe fingers that follow the scars like they are made of stars


    A deep embrace that whispers to my heart and protects


    A moment of silence


    That makes me feel the warmth of being alive.


    It lingered there and stayed


    Hidden behind my eyelids, afraid


    Because when I opened my eyes


    I saw eyes staring through me like glass


    And wished with loud wails


    That I was anything other than what I was born as.)

 A Princess, a Tower, and a Dragon?

    The princess stood in her high tower


    Looking out the wide window


    Tears falling towards the earth


    Like a statue in silence


    Nothing but her heart spoke.


    The dragon circled the tower


    Heart-wrenching cries echoing in the night.


    Its wings hid the moon from the earth


    Its body span wider than the sky


    Shaking like a leaf in front of the silent tears.


    The princess whispered to leave


    The dragon begged to try


    Her shadow left the window


    The wings continued batting


    In steady devastating waves.


    Another night ends


    Another night begins.


    No prince will come, the dragon snarled.


    No prince will come, the princess confessed.


    The tears continued and the whispers didn''t falter


    Leave leave leave


    They repeated.


    Never never never


    The dragon chanted in answer.


    Another wall builds


    Another pain is.


    The princess rests on the windowsill.


    She lets her fingers reach towards the sky


    Like the tips of them can caress that cloud of white in ink.


    Never come to me, she whispers with a smile.


    The white cloud shakes and turns


    Gets closer to the tower to rest


    Stops on seeing the fingers longing


    And the eyes pleading.


    Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.


    No


    It roars in defiance.


    And the eyes wilt with a fond pain


    My dragon fits the sky.


    The trembling lips breathe


    The sky in your eyes


    The sky in your arms


    The agitated wings insist.


    The princess turns to leave


    Another sleepless night


    Another window draped by a white wing.


    The princess traces the narrow room


    Boxes stacked in one corner


    Closed to not be opened.


    A bed unmade and messy between wide-awake nights


    A window so so wide


    And no door in sight.


    She sighs and closes her eyes


    Another night nears


    Another night nears.


    I can fly us away


    The dragon pleads.


    My sky is yours


    My wings are yours


    The dragon states with a desperate air.


    All it earns it is a fond laugh.


    Some are made for the wide skies


    I am made for the windowsills.


    My dragon is strong


    My dragon is smart


    My dragon''s sky is the dragon''s alone.


    The princess recites what she always does


    With a serene expression and a dull gaze


    The dragon breaks in another rejection


    And from the shards


    Comes another night.


    The princess''s tears water the grounds


    And from the tears, flowers bloom under her sated eyes.


    The princess''s room is narrow and her window is wide


    The boxes are closed and they hide


    A door locked


    A door unlocked


    A door to a woman that only ever gets close to window sills.


    The dragon weeps on the tower''s high


    And the tears flood the grounds and drown


    The flowers that were meant to bloom.


    The princess gazes up with a small smile


    And whispers to a distraught love


    The sky would be much kinder to you


    Than my heart ever would.


    The weeping rises in misery and sound


    And the princess sighs with the delicacy of another end.


    The flowers bloom


    The flowers drown


    The tears don''t stop


    And another night comes.

 No rest for the wicked, darling.

    The absence of stability affects a child.


    The absence of stability kills a child until they become an adult wondering if once existed a child.


    They search for it


    Desperately, agonizingly, and longer than forever.


    They search in the nooks of abandoned homes


    In the tones of abandoning hearts


    In the plans of a day and the silence of a night


    They spend their whole life searching for a glimpse of a ground.


    A wall that doesn''t fall, doesn''t waver, doesn''t take their breath to stable.


    It is so cruel to deny a soul what it needs.


    But a child most of all


    A child most of all.


    Those eyes that stared up looking for an answer


    Those eyes that stay staring up even when there''s nobody to answer.


    If the building burns, we all will run alike.


    If the air is finished, we all will suffocate alike.


    If someone suddenly died, they''d drop everything to be in the grief.


    If a disaster happened, they probably will drop everything to be a known that doesn''t call my tears


    In an always desperate wish to predict and interfere.


    A child is fragile.


    A child is needy.


    A child needs a worthy sky


    A worthy high.


    So that they don''t grow up looking for it in every low.


    So that they don''t grow up finding it only in their own.


    To trust a human, to believe a human.


    To trust that the ground won''t be swiped beneath their feet.


    To be able to love without a thousand walls


    And talk without a second of pause


    Or ten or more or the ever-silent vacant eyes.


    I love, so I fear.


    The beginning and the end.


    The vacant silence and the heavy words.


    The heart, soul, and body of an unknown.


    The never-existing ability to truly know a person enough to protect your heart.


    The unpredictable, the unknown, the distrustful, fearful hesitancy of a tired child.


    I fear, so I love.


    When a house trembles on its own


    Burdened by its weight


    Those who live inside of it begin to feel a little unsafe.


    The steps lighten in a hesitant walk


    And the fingers pause before every touch of its walls.


    The breaths quieten, quieten, quieten.


    Until only the sound of trembling wood remains.


    Caged in a house with malleable walls


    One raised voice could erase all it was.


    The child started whispering in hopes of warm nights


    In fear of the outer and utterly cold life.


    The child started erasing what could be erased


    And beyond that, when the trembling grew too much to bear.


    The child


    The child did everything they could so that they could be loved in a home.


    So that they could call it a home.


    They wanted to live most of all, but they also wanted a love that didn''t dent the walls.


    Words that didn''t shatter the glass, hearts that didn''t suffocate the love.


    In a lonely swaying house made of trees


    The heart of a child called in tears.


    It asked the birds and the skies and the trees


    If anything of them could handle the breeze.


    If they could stand, if they could hear


    The trembling voice of their fear


    And not collapse in a similar sea.


    The child is desperate to be loved.


    They want to know what it''s like to love with an open heart.


    So they don''t tremble or hide or fear or build wall upon wall until they barely recognize what''s behind.


    So they don''t beg or break or wish for unattainable things that always end with a sobbing sound.


    So they can smile and hold and be held, and love.


    So they can open and trust and believe that the key won''t ever burn all that was built.


    So they can live, live, live.


    The child is so so desperate to be safe in a love.


    The child is fragile, the child is a wall


    There are a hundred keys, there are none at all.


    The child is smiling, the child is begging


    To be seen or not to be, it all ends to be similar.


    The child is faint, the child is bright


    To be loved or to be raised up


    Up up beyond all castles built


    Up up where nobody would think to look for defects.


    The child is loved, the child is running


    A thousand roads between yet the breaths are still erratic.


    The child is safe, the child is screaming


    Arms all around them, yet they are cowering and shaking.


    The child is high, the child is crawling


    Walls made of papers, yet their knees are always scabbing.


    The child is known, the child is trembling in fright


    A hundred eyes, yet they all look alike


    Red in their perceiving, red in the night.


    The child is above the waters, the child is buried in the sand


    One who cannot live in water cannot survive in sand.


    The child is made to be loved, the child flinches from all tries


    Even being held can hurt, even then there can be pain.


    The child is aching for love, the child cries every heart


    To lose and to be lost, the love that could have been


    The hearts that could have been one.


    The child is you, the child is me.


    I want to hold you, but regardless of my wish, the world runs.


    I want to engulf you in an embrace you can''t doubt.


    To take your hand and push it against a wall that can''t fall.


    I want to be your wall, I want to be your haven


    Your soul, heart, and stable breaths you can''t envision.


    I want you to be mine as I am yours.


    When you look at me with a castle standing in smiling eyes


    And a shine of tears you blink away when asking the way.


    You are always prepared for a loss


    I wish to be your everlasting win.


    One you don''t look twice at because you know no change will occur.


    One you smile at without worrying about another end.


    I wish to be inside that cavity you call a heart.


    To be the ribs it hides inside and the chest it beats against.


    I want to crawl inside your body until we are one.


    Until my love is a stream beside your blood


    Until every breath, every gasp is written with my mouth.


    I wish to be the darkness you hide in after a long month.


    The light you squint at with an exhausted gaze.


    I want to be everything to you


    I want you to be everything to me.


    You want safety, you want a gun


    This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.


    One raised over your shoulder, one never aimed at yourself.


    You want safety, you always have.


    A place that takes your sighs with a terrifying calm.


    A body that takes your falls with sated smiles.


    You want an addiction, you want an invasion


    To be needed like one needs air


    Feverishly, desperately, and with no other way.


    To be wanted like the sins in life


    Burning, starving, and selfish with their hands.


    You want to be an obsession to a reign


    The reason for a war, the cause of a peace


    You, darling little thing, wish to be a burning everything to someone who will gladly take it all to the bottom of the earth.


    Who will ask to be burnt with an arrogant smile


    Sure in their love, sure in your heart.


    Who will pull harder than you push


    Who will cage your heart in theirs


    So you can stop searching for an escape that doesn''t exist.


    You want to be loved like a fire loves the ash


    To the last second, to the darkest black.


    You, little thing, want to be held between rough hands


    That fight the world just for a chance to hold you in a calm.


    You need someone who is ready to face the fire with a maniac wish to be burnt.


    Who embraces you like every single edge of you doesn''t hurt


    Who calls your name like it''s a legacy, holds your body like a prophecy


    Who takes your breaths into their chest


    And keeps everything you give in tightly closed fists.


    You want someone who laps your tears up even when they never dry


    Like honey, like ambrosia, like something a human shouldn''t taste.


    I have seen it all in your eyes when you go to faraway lands


    And forget to hide the want that covers your whole existence in a sticky black.


    You are greedy, but so am I.


    Darling,


    If the green in your eyes calls


    The emerald running in my veins will answer it back.


    Tell me you want me in that soft voice


    Let your eyes speak the madness we both hide.


    That blonde you laughed against


    Your eyes looked down upon all he is


    It makes me laugh; it makes my blood boil.


    You are well aware, my greedy thing, that nobody has what you need


    You know well, you have known


    Every time those eyes cut towards me with a burning rage.


    You hate the fragility of a vulnerable heart, and you hate me for waking up every buried sound.


    My fire, my soul, my sin


    My little maniac, my little green,


    Nobody but I can handle your burn.


    Your nails dig into my jaw and make their way to my veins


    You look between my eyes like you need more tangible proof of me being here


    Like my rapid beating under your fingertips isn''t enough to sate the craze of your need.


    I tip my head back and bare my neck, as pliant as a deer on a deathbed


    And you are too elegant to bare your teeth, but I can see them glint.


    You want to cover my existence in a reddish-purple hue


    To write your name in a way that leaves no room


    For doubt, second thoughts, or anything that isn''t you.


    I smile and beacon you into my arms with a slight push


    And you melt into my embrace and caress the indents you left


    The fire is raging high in your eyes, yet you don''t speak.


    I have always had less shame than you, so I merely rest my gaze on your teeth


    Come, I say with a tilt of my head


    Come, I repeat with closed eyes


    And you answer my call with a heavy sigh.


    The sting of your teeth holding onto me is never enough


    My smile is only slightly less maniac than your sated eyes.


    The sky is only ever purple in our world.


    You dig your fingers into my flesh like you are searching for nectar in a fruit


    I let you take what you covet


    I let you wield your greed like a weapon


    My blood sings for the blood it draws.


    For the honest need that you can never hide.


    You need me so badly that your whole body trembles with it.


    You need me so wholly that your facade of humanity falls in front of me and shows.


    You always show me the teeth of an animal wanting to devour


    And I open up for you like rose petals.


    You can take


    You can take everything I have.


    I know I can take much more in return


    I know I own all that you are, little maniac of mine.


    I lie down beside your worn body, and your head turns


    Piercing me with eyes so black the tears glint


    Like diamonds, like silver, like something unhinged.


    My love has always been beautiful in her unravel, in her sin.


    Every cry calls for something beyond what I own


    It makes me shiver, makes me soar.


    You have always been so cruel in your anguish, careless in your colors.


    The black covering the room like tar and the green soaking the mattress


    The red sticking to your teeth and the hundred colors behind those empty irises.


    Your torment fills the house until the walls tremble with force.


    The agonizing screams you push in your whispers


    The harsh hands digging into my body until I gasp


    The haze of unfairness that coats your gaze


    You are aching for vengeance; I can see it in your faltering act.


    It''s sadistic. It''s crushing.


    It''s nothing your heart would allow.


    It has the flesh of a child


    Soft, fragile, and a lot white


    You are stuck with nothing but a screaming hurt


    And your battered body loathes all that is white.


    I take your bloodied nails and push them into my chest


    I would let you carve my heart out if it sates your wish.


    I can take the pain. I can take the red and the black and all the shades you cry in guilt.


    You, my love, are not made for the hurt.


    The flesh of a woman, the rage of a fire


    You are only made to hurt.


    I would take any blade you ask of me. I would spill any blood.


    If you ask of me with those eyes


    My love,


    There is no soul I wouldn''t damn to hell.


    I tilt my head in question, and my hair turns green


    You blink slowly and breathe.


    I put my head on your chest, and I can feel


    Your heart beating with the sound of a hundred fears.


    The fire burns through me, and I grit my teeth.


    I won''t leave


    My slumped body on you says


    I won''t leave


    My scorching wandering hands repeat


    I''m never leaving.


    The breaths you take from me seal.


    Your lips quirk like you are amused


    And the fire only rages in my soul.


    "Do you not believe me?" I raise my body above you and whisper.


    The black in your eyes turns cruel, and my body trembles under the weight of your gaze


    Again, like a prey.


    You seem to always ensnare me in your games


    Even when in pain, only my desperation can calm your craze.


    Your heart is still running under my clenched hands


    Reminding me of why I fall into every trap.


    You are mine, you will always be


    I would sacrifice my sanity if it meant reminding you of that fact.


    My body slumps onto you in a submission you don''t take


    Simply staring at me with that agitating gaze, half-lidded and bare.


    Your agony steals the air from the room


    The breath from my lungs


    It''s no wonder nothing less than all of me would work.


    Loose limbs and a glassy gaze


    A prey, again.


    Won''t you hunt?


    "Baby." Your voice rumbles under my fingertips, and I answer it with harsh breaths


    I raise my eyes to catch your stare, and the satisfaction lying in them makes me burn


    You smile kindly with those endearing gums


    Yet all I can see are those sharpening knives


    Every move of yours is calculated, and this is the same, no doubt.


    ".. Yes," I whisper with closed eyes.


    This is how every moment of ours ends


    I bury my smile into your neck.


    You walk up to every cliff with serene steps


    Like you can''t see the ground, like you hold no doubt I''ll catch you at the end.


    Turning your back to the sky and the void and all in between


    You smile at me, an arrogant sure of a call


    Asking me, "Won''t you come?"


    I curse our fate with a wide grin and run


    And your laugh is like twinkling bells.


    "See you at the bottom." You would mouth and close your eyes


    Like we have ever seen anything of a high.


    Always racing towards the edge of a new fall


    You''d think we had wings that could fly.


    Your body loses its strain in the air


    Eyes so beautiful in their calm.


    We are falling towards an unforgiving land


    Yet your hands don''t waver in their pulling of my hands.


    Always asking me to follow you to the depth of all what shouldn''t be named.


    A laugh bubbles out of me unrestrained, and the crinkles around your eyes speak of the love you have.


    Our screws aren''t quite fastened in the right ways


    But I can hardly care about anything that doesn''t bring you that calm.


    Come, come, come


    Your fingers lilt in gentle tugs.


    Fall with me to the bottom of the earth.


    I catch your lip with my teeth in reply


    And your laugh is honey-sweet around the metal of blood.


    Every move of mine is a win in your eyes


    You''ve always cherished the feeling of not knowing enough.


    Your fingers move through my hair in a gentle whisper


    Caressing reddening ears and mimicking my heart in soft taps.


    Everything of you spells your thanks, and I merely bite harder to match the vividness of your breathtaking red.


    I tighten my arms around your waist and pull you into my chest with a murmur you shudder from


    Always so sweet in your tears and utterly encompassing wish to be loved.


    I hide my uncontrollable grin in your hair and feel your eyes closing against my neck


    Whatever the end may have for us


    I am not letting go of any part of you


    Until the end of the earth, maybe beyond then.


    (My love,


    Won''t you hunt?)

 The Ironies Caught

    To be praised for the Butterflies you caught with broken nails.


    I bite into success with bloodied teeth; the fruit of such gain is always hard to bear.


    The pink lines stream down my parched mouth


    Pink.


    Red.


    An art drawn with a covetous heart.


    Today, we wake up again


    In search for the forbidden calm in success


    Today, we wake up again


    Tuning into monsters in our forever pursuit of that sweet taste.


    Greed is a weapon as much as you wield it


    If the goals blur under your wide-open mouth


    The teeth will sink into something more fragile than fruit


    This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.


    More aching, less sweet.


    The collar your greed wears leaves its marks on your neck


    Each craning you give into bites into your skin


    The collar your greed wears is yours to hurt.


    The itchy, scabbing flesh, and the salty tears running down the reddened proof


    Anyone would know, just by looking at you, how much you let your greed consume you


    A slave to a weapon, a willing cavity to all it brings


    Swallowing the desired and the contempted


    Taste muffled by the snarling hunger in a bottomless pit.


    The cheers are deafening in your ears when you tear the soft tissues of your own


    The stage is open and bright when you exchange them for what¡¯s more durable in life


    You have always been weak, your heartache displayed in shaking eyes


    A spectacle worthy of marveling when you raise your hands with butterflies grasped


    They were always colorful, you were always shaking


    And the ironies in life were always caught.


    Good job, child.


    You have exchanged your weakness for strength


    Good job, child.


    Your greed is only ever an honorable thing.


    Wipe your tears, steady your hands, go up another stage, and careful of the yank of chains


    Smile proudly, widely, and push the butterflies in front of their eyes


    Listen quietly, attentively, and bury your wish to die.

 Ill-fitted for Wood.

    Your skin is thick for every stored box


    The titles engraved hold promises of a better life


    And yet, you could not find one wooden hope calling your name.


    Your skin has always been thick


    Against the changing tones, against the winding roads, and you seldom feel anything but the aches of it.


    The cheap material of happiness digs into your flesh, body tucked in close and bones clinking in the tight embrace


    Voices of confusion swim over your head, sticking out and unsightly, your cramping hands can''t hide you away


    The voices become louder, uglier, and your body spasms, hitting the shiny wood, yet there is no possible escape.


    Thick fingers push harshly onto your floating head, and a gasp is stuck in your throat while a flurry of words gets thrown at your uncovered ears


    You wonder, distantly, unmoving despite their building frustration


    Why you differ even in the thickness of flesh.


    The jagged edges of happiness are cradled in your palm


    Head swimming in something slow, phantom touches pulsing and squeezing around your throat


    The wood is dull against your shaking palm


    Tiny, insignificant, and forever lost.


    The price of a broken box was surely paid


    With a beautiful title, it held a light for those delicate and frail


    The price of happiness was surely paid


    In return, you get to hold the remains.


    Your laugh is dazzling as you move your hands in a bashful declination


    Such fine wood with such a lovely color should be kept for those who can take it


    The returning smiles are blinding in front of your bruised deformity


    The admiring whispers are loud in your ears


    Hunching your back and pushing your ribs together


    You return every smile with a brighter one.


    You hold the tender flesh of a hand with a practiced grin


    Heart thudding and back hurting, you press your trembling lips to the unblemished softness


    Letting it be mistaken for the rumble of a laugh


    You have not yet fit into any title


    You have not yet found a home


    Spinning the stories into a choice is but a second nature, old.


    You turn the broken shards of faded brown into a vibrant rose


    If you wished to succumb to the constraints of a home


    You would settle into one with hardly a wait


    You simply don''t.


    Smiling, winking, placating the twirling delicacy of intrigue


    You simply don''t.


    Your knees ache


    Kneeling on the soft dirt, caressing a faded name


    Larger than most things you are, in front of the wisps of memory, you turn into a bumbling child


    Curious, loud, and lost in the confusion of their doubt.


    This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.


    Your lips are stuck with the residue of tears


    Breaking the calm is akin to a sin


    You press them to the cold stone


    Whispering an apology


    Waiting for an answer that doesn''t come.


    The dread pooling in your spine strains your smile


    A scent of repressed nature tugging at your muscles


    The wheels can''t stay forever spinning


    Once, or twice a year, you need to face your fragile deception.


    The title is pretty in front of your empty gaze


    Slowly blinking until the letters become something unnamed


    The shade is lighter than the one before, darker than the one after


    The well-worn scene plays, and you milk their rapidly fading grins


    Embodying pickiness in front of their dwindling patience


    Searching for a color that isn''t faceable


    Darker center, lighter edges, smoother surface, calmer scent


    Bigger space, bigger floor, bigger lid.


    The pushing hands mark the ending of their grace


    And you bend your bones until the pain is searing, gasps hidden in faltering sighs


    A drop of despair ricochets off the surface of an ocean of some years


    And the pushing and pulling at your limbs barely register as you watch the horror reflected on those passing by


    Your smile wavers as your eyes shake, dropping to the quickly reddening wood


    You shouldn''t be able to see their stricken selves


    Dainty hands covering open mouths.


    The white sheets are coarse under your bare skin


    Arms and legs strapped, light shining into heavy lids


    Soft fingers dig into the crooks of your slack limbs, tracing the bumps of carved flesh


    The scratching sound of a pen writing reaches your muffled ears, and you stare at the ceiling, mouthing the words you buried in your skin


    Flashes of muted screams and sticky floors flutter and splatter on the clean white


    You continue mouthing the words, slipping into a numb haze


    Wishing the prodding hands would stop


    There isn¡¯t much to find out


    Your skin has always been thick.


    Streams of a burning fire run through the dips of your laid body


    The ceiling turns blurry as you slur out apologies


    The fire only rises until a hand covers your wide eyes


    Water trickling through gaps of trembling fingers, salt pooling in your mouth


    You hear the faint whispers of returned apologies


    And you slowly blink through dry eyes


    Feeling a morsel of relief as the burning stops.


    You prefer the sleek glint of stone over any tenderness of wood


    It''s ingrained into you, as most abnormalities, and yet


    There is one shade you never could let go of


    A young child, holding onto the soft fabric of safety later buried in cold


    A child, looking at the white sky through gaps in tender hands.


    The morning peaks through the blinds


    Your room, not yours


    Familiar and calls the bile.


    The sound of scratching had stopped, replaced by an unsteady beating


    It breaks the silence of the room in erratic intervals, each worsening the pounding in your head


    The fabric sticking to you is painful


    Something throbbing in your body, from your head, and down to your curled toes


    A hand is clutching onto you, cloud-soft against dry blisters, and you close your eyes, following the gentle breathing


    Hand tense in skin cherished by wood.


    A human has nature in them


    It''s present in their faintest trail


    You have the wrong one


    Thick skin, harsh hands, big head, and malfunctioning masks.


    You slip your convulsing hand away from the gentle grasp


    Staring at the ceiling, letting your body ache


    There is salt in your eyes, salt on your tongue, and you wish for an end


    A fitting one.


    That is kinder to your sore limbs; away from this.


    The steady breaths falter, giving way to a soft murmur


    And you clench your eyes closed


    Away from this.

 The Things I Carry.

    I had grown up with the naive belief


    That everyone had this hideous weight pressing on their being


    Whether that belief was built by my own clumsy hands


    Or cemented by the words I heard repeated over my days, I could not say


    But it is a large part of the disconnect I cannot shake most days.


    I would stare at the ugly black sludge seeping out of me


    And blink at the accusations thrown at my face with an almost aggressive care


    The disconnect was a yawning chasm


    Opening between my lungs and stealing my breaths, the floors between us crumbling into sand


    There is a line I was not aware of before


    Do you not carry the things I do?


    I walk slowly with arms stuck to my sides


    Mouth carefully measured, nor open nor closed


    Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.


    Just enough to keep the glint of white teeth alive.


    My feet dive into something persistent every few steps


    And my body teeters with the effort needed for a picture of straight ways


    My world moves on a pretense I thought shared


    My world moves on a pretense I thought you shared.


    Staring at me with curled lips and a storm of something terrible in your eyes


    Was your agreement false? Or am I beyond the normal line?


    Do you just


    Not carry the things I do?


    I liken most things to tape most days


    The light breeze is but a reason for me to stay home


    Carefully tucked under slowly blackening linens


    The sound of laughter is a surety pushing down my throat


    And the love ringing in my bones


    Is merely a reminder of why everything I have


    Rings.


    There is no escape out of this


    There is no room I can enter without the hue of phantoms stealing every light


    The smiles will dim, the faces will tighten


    And the lines will turn wobbly and hazy under my eyes.


    It is my own naivety


    It is my own sin


    Wanting to be loved


    With such a hideous thing.


    You do not carry the things I do.


    I have been well aware of that.

 The Garden of Unlike.

    It''s the feeling you''re out of sorts


    Inherent, deep-rooted, and burning in your guts


    Except you, with your swaying gait, don''t even know what you should be chasing


    The blurry light at the end of a collapsing tunnel


    The salvation everyone seems to have an image of.


    You''d listen, quietly, to the variations of it


    Said with a wistful smile, a shuddering breath, a running tear, a prideful grin


    You''d listen, quietly, and realise that, no


    They don''t know either. Clueless as you are.


    Except your cluelessness seems to be a bigger sin than theirs


    Trailing behind you in flickering streets


    Staining the words that bubble out of you into something mean


    They don''t know either, so why is your ignorance bound to such extremes?


    The sky rumbles every night, watching you cry into it with open hands


    It is displeased with your act of pleading, you are too.


    Your ignorance of the human ways seldom lets you go of its touch


    Something scalding at the tips of your quivering fingers


    A clear warning to the other ones.


    You listen, quietly, and bury your fingers in hiding


    With a cold, pulsing ache, you paste a faint smile


    Waiting for the descriptions to end.


    You have never used the words rolling over their tongues


    Familiar, practised, and almost horrifying to hear


    Like you have been sure to miss something, some things, just by the act of your birth.


    You listen, quietly, with venom bubbling behind teeth


    Lashing in silence at the sated eyes of ones not in debt


    Your ignorance stacks the odds against you, each a hefty price, waiting and waiting and waiting


    This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    While your ears are filled with dreamy tones


    The colours of an open sky, the rumbling of a human voice.


    What is different, you wonder, eyes tracing and hands drawing blood


    What is so wholly, awfully, drastically different in the map of your soul


    That it only ever leads to ruins?


    Nothing buried under the sand, except the things you pushed into the earth with hot tears


    An almost inhuman wailing, a repeated wish, bones of your own covered by the grains of a grave well-loved.


    The fury of a not-quite-human is quite horrible to bear.


    The envy it plants, engraved in the small beginnings of you, snarling and scratching and screaming at the ease of the others


    Why not me? A reoccurring whisper, trembling on its way to the sky


    Why not me? A defeated flag, raised with the sounds of a hundred thunders


    The pictures drawn with a kind brush turn into droning in the back of your head


    Persistent, so persistent, you bite back tears and cover it with a curse.


    The ringing of unlikeness burrows into your hollow bones


    Vibrating, shaking, listening with crazed eyes


    A hysterical laugh stuck in your throat, waiting until the paint dries into something you wish to tear.


    The humour of the colours making up your walls rarely escapes you


    A crooked mask of a thing, a clown silent in front of a laughing crowd, a blaring, perfect knife to the heart.


    You are made up of spite and little else.


    A sardonic quirk of lips, hiding gritted teeth


    An idiot late on most accounts, faulting the world for falling at the seams.


    Your garden holds what you bury with little affair


    Every space you tear open is only slightly different than the rest veiled


    An ugly green rapidly fading in front of your dripping treasures


    A mess of sand, stones, bones, and marrow.


    The versions you bury witness the undoing of you


    Each moment a different soul


    The quiet one you buried with echoing screams


    The smiling one you spit into the earth, bile on your tongue


    An angry, biting thing suffocated with bloodied hands


    A gentle, loving facade mercilessly torn and thrown into a void


    The rest of you, the whole of you


    Is always buried in your bones.


    You are failure and nothing else


    Every try tucked in your chest


    We will learn


    But you will not


    Each time a new flaw pulls at your guts


    We will learn


    But you will not


    Each brush you hold only ever results in things better untold.


    The smiling idiot, wondering about the steps they should fill


    Did they miss a class, a summary, something vital in them?


    The gallows call for their ignorance


    Each blood spilled making way for another failure


    They stopped listening a while ago


    When the tones turned biting and cold


    Staring at the distant sky, watching it fill the hollowed earth


    Why me?


    Nothing ever answers.