And it''s quite hard to live a life without hope.


    Riding the train until the end


    Knowing without a doubt


    You will crash.


    Never mind the keys I clutch until I bleed


    And the tears I hold back


    And the fragile control I lash out with in stubborn denial


    I know well


    I know well.


    The moment you leave


    All my life as it is will end.


    There is nothing to be done


    We all know


    We all have known.


    But there is nothing to be done


    The future is so so dim


    I wonder how we live.


    A house and it should be reminded


    Cannot survive on one person.


    Yet it is what it is.


    And all the threads you hold in your hands


    If you leave, where do they go?


    If your hand that wipes away all our tears


    And carries our hearts


    And hides our scars


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    If it lets go,


    Who can ever


    Do what you did?


    I don''t think about the future.


    I, your daughter who goes crazy over unplanned things


    Flinch away from the mention of the future like it will kill me.


    And it would I think


    I know


    But humans are like that too.


    We buy pens that are going to run out


    And raise pets that are going to leave long before us


    We live in the present like the future isn''t ours.


    How else would we survive, mother?


    How else?


    I pray in whispers and darkness


    Never to be said out loud but felt all the same.


    That if someone were to leave


    It isn''t you.


    It''s selfish, but it''s not.


    It''s selfless


    But it''s not.


    I don''t see a life without you


    And I can''t ask if they do either


    It''s in their eyes, do you know?


    We are all filled with so much dread.


    We all know


    How everything will fall apart the second


    You''re not there to tape it together


    With hands or love or words or utterly fierce and desperate tries.


    I think we are too tired to ever be fierce in the right ways.


    The thought hits in all kinds of moments


    In the kitchen when I burn my food


    In the bathroom when the washing machine is beyond me


    On the dinner table when I see all our threads delicately held in a frail hand


    In my room when I stop and close my eyes


    Thinking what the hell


    Are we ever going to do without you?


    You built a family, but you did not


    You built a house, but you did not


    You saved what you could but


    You could not.


    I laugh out loud in disbelief


    Wondering if those are the people who are going to continue after you.


    I laugh and laugh and think that this train is really going to crash.


    But we live on


    Yes we live on


    Nothing much to be done.


    I''ll hide in your arms and wait for the crash


    I hope it has any kindness you had.