Aster stood up, whipped out her knife, prepared her lantern, and took up a defensive position in the corner by the window. She watched as the Shade she’d expelled pooled in the opposite corner, gradually resolving into a translucent humanoid shape with indistinct features. This form appeared vaguely wispy, somehow hazy. They had an impression of short, asymmetrically cut hair, but it didn’t appear fully formed either. Their eyes had dark sclera and darker pupils.
Aster held her knife at the ready, prepared to cut away shards of light at it - no, Shades at least appeared humanoid, so she didn’t feel comfortable defaulting to ‘it’. She wasn’t sure how personlike or even conscious they were, but it was probably better to assume they were… some amount of sapient. Wasn’t it? Is that better? What about everything it means? Some of them can talk, can’t they? What does that mean? Is it really just repeating things, as I’ve been told? I already know I can’t trust the source that idea comes from.
The Shade gasped as they finished forming. Aster tensed, expecting an attack, but they just sat themself upright against the wall, holding up an arm in front of them to shield them from the light. They made no sudden movements, not even to run away. Aster narrowed her eyes, wary. This had to be some kind of trap.
The Shade started humming.
Aster blinked. What…?
It was an unfamiliar tune, one she was almost sure she’d never heard, but it didn’t sound like it was being made up on the spot. Even if it was, she’d never heard of Shades having any kind of music. It seemed a little too… human.
That thought brought her a whole new sense of apprehension, but she tried to push it away. If she wouldn’t face whatever implications it had, who would?
“Is that… music?”
The Shade stopped and nodded.
Was that really a nod? Saying yes? “What gesture do you make for saying no?” They shook their head. “So you… really nodded. To communicate.”
Another nod.
“I…” Aster trailed off, looking down, trying not to fall into the dark hole of the implications that followed. What have I done? It was self-defense, I had to, I… it still... I know I know I know. She shook herself out of it. That can come later. I can... figure it out later. “The hall is darker. I’ll let you move there, I’ll stay here, and we can talk from there. I don’t want you to be in pain while we talk, if we really… can.” Am I being stupid?
The Shade nodded slowly. They got to their feet, raised their hands slightly so Aster could see their palms, and edged around the room until they were able to settle back comfortably into the shadows in the hallway. They scanned their surroundings and then let out a shaky breath, their head bowed for a moment as they seemed to try to calm down. After a few more breaths, they looked up expectantly.
How good of a sign was that? They didn’t run immediately, but of course they wouldn’t, there was still daylight outside.
“I’m getting some paper from my bag to send to you.” Aster set down her lantern and knife, still within reach, and set down her backpack to riffle around inside it. She produced a paper and pencil and stepped forward to slide them across the floor to the Shade.
They picked up the pencil and struggled with it for a moment, since their fingertips seemed mostly intangible. Before long they started writing, then in a moment sent it back.
In the first few words, the writing was shaky, but stabilized somewhat as they got further, though they still didn’t seem used to it. The note read:
<blockquote>
Thank you so much. I’m so sorry for being selfish. That may sound empty, I’m sorry
I’m still like you. Even though I lost my name and memories and… almost everything but my consciousness. I’m alive
I want to be alive. Even more alive than I feel now
I’m sorry for putting you in this situation
</blockquote>
Aster’s concern and guilt grew as she read, but she tried to swallow the lump in her throat and nodded.
“Is it okay if I just speak back, instead of writing?”
They nodded.
“Okay. I… are you… why did you come here?” She sent the paper back. Aster hesitated for a moment as another question occurred to her. “And, do you have a name now? Something you call yourself?”
The Shade looked at the paper, tapping the eraser on their cheek, then started writing. This time took a little longer, though they wrote quickly, but soon they slid the paper back to Aster.
<blockquote>
Through trial and error and an abundance of personal experience, I found that Shades have some kind of connection to the echo crystals in the Depths. They seem to contain some of what we''ve lost, but each one only seems to connect with one particular Shade. That is, only one crystal I''ve found was able to give me anything, despite testing many I''ve come in contact with.
The one I found that did have some connection to me contained a… memory. At least, that’s the best I know to call it. It was vague and indistinct, but it gave me enough information that I was able to confidently determine the location of this house, with the help of your maps.
I’m no scholar - uh, as far as I know? - but given the clues I’ve found so far, I believe this house is my childhood home. I… was hoping to find people here. See if I could remember anything about them, or them about me. I don’t consciously know them anymore, but I miss them. I can feel a longing for what I’ve lost, even though I can’t remember what exactly it all is. I think that makes it worse.
“I” didn’t die when I Darkened. I certainly changed, and the experience has hurt me, of course, but I have reason to believe I am the same consciousness I was before. Assuming there really was a “before” to me, but from the information I have, it seems like I was Tainted, went through the process of Darkening, lost my name and most memories, yet still live.
I don’t yet know how to prove that I’m still a person. That this couldn’t simply have been repeated from things I’m aware of from others’ experiences. I hope you’ll give me time to show you.
I call myself Tune. This is after the tune I hummed to you, which I found that my fingers remembered to tap, and gradually reconstructed over time. I don’t know what significance it had to me, but it was deeply ingrained, and it seemed it was most often a subconscious attempt to comfort anxiety. Uhhh, clipse, this is more than you asked for, huh? Suppose I may as well let you know what you’ve gotten yourself into.
Your name is Aster, right? Sorry for uh. Sorta stalking you.
</blockquote>
Aster blinked at the paper several times after she was done reading, trying to process the wealth of information. She couldn’t say she knew much about how to be sure of their personhood, but… instinctively, and from the information she had, she was inclined to believe them. Tune seemed to be as much of a person as Aster had ever been. Could she prove she was a person, aside from her internal certainty that she was?
“It’s, uh. Nice? To meet you, Tune.” Aster found herself laughing briefly at the absurdity of the situation, despite not being sure if that was an appropriate response. She covered her mouth partially. “Uh, sorry. I’m not, used to this? Is anyone?”
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
Tune… smiled. Aster had rarely seen a Shade smile, and never so lightheartedly. They shook their head as if in disbelief - a form of agreement with her sentiment?
They beckoned a hand for the paper. “Oh. Sorry.” Aster slid it over. “It might go without saying, but I… think I believe you. I can’t trust you, not yet, not from just this information, but I think I at least know enough to believe that you’re a person. I’m… sorry, for not knowing that. Not seeing it, and not always being willing to see it.”
Tune nodded and started writing again.
<blockquote>
Thank you.
I’m sorry that I… took you over. Forced you to help me. I hope that whatever plan that trip was part of hasn’t been ruined because of me.
I say I’m sorry, and I mean it, but I also wouldn’t change the decision if I could. I need help, unfortunately. Obviously. I’ve had so much taken away from me, and I intend to reclaim it.
I believe we could help each other. I won’t require you to agree to everything at once, of course - and you’re not agreeing to anything not explicitly mentioned, right now - but can I count on you to help me where necessary? In turn I’ll help you where I can.
</blockquote>
Aster took a moment to think after reading it over. “I’m willing to help you where I can. Do you promise not to attempt to harm me nor any of my allies?”
<blockquote>
If you or they attempt to harm me and negotiating is clearly impossible, I may retaliate, but I’ll try to avoid it. I don’t see any other possibilities in which I wouldn’t keep that promise, so with that caveat, yes. Is that acceptable?
</blockquote>
“Huh. It’s like you’re writing a contract. Yes, as far as I can tell, I find that acceptable.” Aster tapped the paper absently. “You talked about reclaiming what you’ve lost. What do you mean by that, and what do you remember?”
Tune wrote for longer this time. They stopped and looked it over, then sent it over.
<blockquote>
There are some kinds of memory that seem to still be intact. For example, I remember how to write, obviously, and I remember how to speak, though I can’t reliably form words in this… partial form. I’ll get to that part in a moment. This implies memory of those skills and of our language. I also seem to have some muscle memory left - habits of how to move in certain situations, from walking to habitual actions anchored in particular spaces, like an action I found associated with entering the backyard shed.
Feelings of familiarity are fleeting. It’s sometimes hard to tell whether they’re real or imagined. I get… inklings. The sense that some things should be familiar. The more I try to grasp that feeling, the more I try to understand it, the fuzzier it seems. Like something you see out of the corner of your eye that disappears as soon as you turn toward it.
As far as I can tell, I don’t have any explicit memories from before I lost my name, at least not ones I can reach. I assume I have retained my general mindsets and characteristic reactions to stimuli, and I probably have essentially the same personality as I used to, depending on how you define it. My formation of memories seems untouched, at least as far as I’ve been able to measure.
Okay, so, I mentioned being in a “partial form” at the moment. The form I take when I… possess a Lucenari (sorry) is, of course, different from my normal form as a person of the Depths (or whatever we could be called). I’m only partially tangible in this form - and as far as I know, I become completely intangible when actually inhabiting a Lucenari - and there are many things I can’t do at the moment. It’s possible that’s just because of my lack of experience with this, uh, skill, but I’m not sure how to control much of it. It does seem a bit safer from the light than my normal form I take in the Depths, but I still worry what could happen if I went out in broad daylight.
I need help learning more about the echo crystals’ potential, finding them, and getting through the perils of the Depths. Despite my resistance to many things in them, they’re far from safe for me too. I would daresay I have more information about them than you do, though, and I have abilities that should be helpful to you.
</blockquote>
Aster tried to digest the information. How had she never encountered any of this information? How had she never even fully realized how alive and intelligent the Shades were?
“Okay. Have you gained any insights into the process of Darkening itself?”
<blockquote>
No, not particularly.
</blockquote>
“That’s what much of my… research, I suppose? Has been about. I’ll tell you more about it if it seems prudent, but in short, the process of Darkening can be stopped, with treatment and avoiding exposure to the Dark. I’m… trying to give people the best chance I can, with it. Even if…” Aster paused, realizing the weight of what she was about to say, seeing the incredible implications it had and getting a bit choked up. “Even if fully Darkening isn’t death… it still involves great loss, doesn’t it? I want to protect them from it, and ensure future stability. There’s so much that’s broken here, so many things it seems are being deliberately manipulated… There’s a lot that needs to be done. That has to change.” Aster hesitated, realizing she was rambling. “I think we can help each other.”
<blockquote>
I agree. I won’t promise to dedicate myself to your goals, though, even if they are as noble as they sound. I have my own priorities. My first priority is simply to survive, and make more stability in my life. I’m not going to sacrifice myself, and I’ll weigh risks carefully. I want to make that clear.
</blockquote>
Aster felt a little uncomfortable reading the message, though she wasn’t wholly sure why. It just felt… a little selfish, maybe. But at the same time, self-preservation certainly wasn’t wrong. And she appreciated the clear communication. Could she really fault them for any of it? She wasn’t sure either way. Aster nodded, pulling herself out of her thoughts. “Well, thanks for clarifying.”
Tune nodded shortly, writing a new message.
<blockquote>
So, how do we get me out of here?
We can wait til night if you have time, but I’d prefer if you allow me to inhabit a leg or arm of yours until we get to the depths. I don’t have to control the limb to uh… hitch a ride in it, I guess.
</blockquote>
Aster’s eyes narrowed, though she tried to make her expression more neutral as she thought of it. “Is there any risk that that could Taint me?”
<blockquote>
As far as I’m aware, no. It’d be the same as what I did before possessing you, which, as I assume you already know, doesn’t result in Tainting unless substance of the Dark or inkblood gets involved. We can avoid that risk if we take precautions, and I have no intention of Tainting you. I hope you can see that I would have nothing to gain from it. I mean… maybe a different person would see it as an opportunity to make you depend on them more in the Depths, but personally, that doesn’t appeal to me at all. It’d be too volatile, wouldn’t really help me, and would be ethically wrong.
I hope I’m not overexplaining. Ah well.
</blockquote>
Aster sighed. I don’t have time to wait. I could just leave them here, but… I don’t think I have any good reason to do that. Can I really trust them enough to help them this time? Am I making a mistake? Do I… really even have a choice, since it’ll haunt me if I don’t take them with me? “As far as I know, you’re right. I don’t think you have the means to Taint me if I just take you there this time. I will do it this time, but you’ll still have to earn my trust for other proposals.”
Tune nodded.
“Do you promise not to take over me completely without my consent again?”
They nodded, and also wrote a response.
<blockquote>
I promise to not take you over completely without your consent again.
</blockquote>
“Ah, impressive, you even put it in writing.” Aster raised her eyebrows. “Can I get a signature, to ensure that it’s legally binding?”
She was joking, but Tune waved for the paper. She sent it over.
They wrote out a signature with a flourish, with some, ah, “additional information”, and added a quip to the bottom.
<blockquote>
Tune Person Surname
Number [number], Month Whatever year this is
Written under only minor duress (*for legal purposes, this is a joke, currently)
What legal system is this for, Aster? The Internal Ethical Review for the Denizens of the Depths?
</blockquote>
“Pfft.” Aster chuckled and sent the paper back. “Thank you for your cooperation, Tune Person Surname.”
They gave an exaggerated bow from where they were sitting in the shadows with their legs crossed.
Aster smiled, then took a deep breath. It occurred to her to check on the previous entry mark and tend to her injured foot. All traces of the mark had disappeared, including the substance that had been there. She checked on her ankle and wrapped it in a makeshift splint again. Tune sent over the paper.
<blockquote>
I’m sorry for any undue damage I caused to your ankle. Anything that wouldn’t have happened without my interference. I… may be able to numb the pain for you if you choose for the mark to be on that leg. You’ll still have to walk carefully, of course.
</blockquote>
Aster blinked after reading it and looked up at Tune. “…Okay. That’s… thanks.” She took a deep breath, checked her things, took a moment to reconsider, and moved over to the edge of the shadows. “Okay.” She pulled up her pant leg just enough to expose a small amount of skin. “Go ahead.”
Tune nodded. They reached forward and fingered a spot on the exposed skin. Their translucent fingertips went through the skin. They looked up to check her response. She nodded, and over the next few seconds, Tune seemed to dissolve into shadow and flow into the leg, leaving a mark that dripped with traces of their shadowy substance.