Aster trudged along the invisible path, checking her map every so often and trying not to think of the myriad ways this could all go horribly wrong.
She''d walked this path many times before, but it sure didn''t remember her in return, still appearing like any other cavern on this level of the Depths. Lots of moss, mostly. It was a shortcut back to the entrance from the safe alcove where she''d left Hyacinth to wait.
It wouldn''t be long now before she could walk out into the sunlight again - though that admittedly wasn''t going to be bright for very long, as the sun was in a waning phase. A Darkday would come soon. How could they plan around that, if they were to get Tainted people out and to safety? Wouldn''t put it past the stars to align in exactly the wrong way, just for me.
She remembered her father''s pain on Darkdays, even just at home where they had access to everything they usually did. That almost made it worse, because they could make extensive preparations to keep him from Darkening further. Subjecting him to so much more light than he usually had to endure.
She would find a way to improve things for him. Make a solution, even if there wasn''t one yet. On the days the sun abandoned them, they took the night-day in stride. They made their own light, their own warmth. She would do that for them, even if she had to be the one to discover fire, so to speak. Well, at least... she''d try. If nothing else, she could put in a good effort.
Even if it didn''t end up helping.
Aster pulled herself out of her thoughts. One step at a time. First, she had to go back and get Mira and her dad.
She stepped out into the light and tried to imagine that she''d already failed, to make it appear more convincing that she hadn''t been able to find Hyacinth. She didn''t like how easy it was to imagine that.
It was just pretending. Like how she pretended to be competent, but more reali- no. No, she just did what she had to do. That was all.
Aster took a deep breath and made her way over to this entrance''s checkpoint, a precaution set up to try to make sure people couldn''t get through here if a creature of the Depths had taken control of them. She went through the routine checks - she was watched over as she ensured her sources of light were intact and there weren’t any obvious vulnerable points that shadows could significantly collect in - and then headed towards Andromeda.
Aster let out a deep breath, stopping in front of her.
“You couldn’t find him?”
Aster held up Hyacinth’s broken lantern. “The light led me to this.” Not technically a lie.
Andromeda didn’t seem very surprised, but disappointed, at least. She sighed. “I suppose you intend to go back out with her when I send Mira to search.”
Aster nodded firmly.
The Lantern Overseer reached out to take the broken lantern. “I’ll... keep this, in case I have to give it to his family - ah, his loved ones, here.”
“I’d rather deliver it myself if such a time comes.”
“You’d rather put yourself through that?” She paused briefly. “And what if you don’t come back?”
“Then you’ll have two broken lanterns to deliver.” Aster bowed respectfully. “I’ll bring Mira with me to prepare before we go.”
Andromeda let out another sigh. “As you wish.”
Mira spotted Aster and trudged over with a pack slung over her shoulder. “You need to prepare, then?” Everything Mira said felt so hollow to herself, but it wasn’t worth the trouble to fix that, was it?
Aster nodded. “Do you mind stopping by my house?”
Mira just shook her head, so they set off, Aster leading the way.
A little while into their walk, Aster glanced at her. “Have you ever met my dad?”
“I don’t think so. Why?”
“I’d like you to meet him. He’s...” She hesitated, seeming to think better of what she was about to say. Why? What was it, ‘good with kids’? “Someone I think you’d get along with.” Probably was. I’m not really a kid, but I’m also not really anything anymore.
Mira almost stopped in her tracks, but pushed herself to keep walking, not wanting to delay them. “Aster... what’s the point?”
Aster met her eyes. Mira resisted the urge to look away. Should she try to fix her expression, or otherwise draw attention away from her empty-seeming eyes? She knew she looked different than she had before the Taint, even where it hadn’t yet changed her appearance. “I’ll do my best to show you. Please. Don’t give up on yourself.”
Mira went silent for a small moment. “I appreciate you trying to make it less painful,” she said softly. More for Aster’s sake than out of sincerity, but… Aster deserved appreciation for how hard she tried to be kind, right? Even though sometimes it hurt more than if she’d just left her alone. Mira couldn’t figure out which she actually preferred, though.
Once they reached the house, Aster knocked a few times, then produced a key, unlocked the door, and opened it.
“Why’d you knock if you were just going to use the key?” Mira asked.
“If my dad is here, he likes it when I give him a bit of warning before coming in.”
Mira nodded slightly to show she’d heard. Is he paranoid about something, or is that just a personal preference? They stepped inside.
Aster’s father poked his head out of a doorway down the hall and smiled at them. “Welcome back! Want to introduce yourself, Aster’s friend?”
Mira put on a smile that didn’t reach her eyes and gave a slight bow. “Hello, I’m Miralis, a fellow Lantern. Most people call me Mira. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Good to meet you too. I’m Fennel Isanne-Painotsik.” Wait, was I supposed to include surnames in my introduction? Fennel left his room and headed toward the kitchen to their left, walking with a slight limp. “Anything you’d like to drink? I have some featherbark tea bags, water, asper juice...”
“Ah... featherbark tea, I suppose.”
Fennel nodded, and went to work preparing it.
“I thought you said we came here to prepare to go?” Mira looked at Aster.
“We came here for a few reasons. That’s one of them. Don’t worry, this shouldn’t take too long. Dad just likes to make things comfortable. We can sit down.” Aster pulled out a chair for Mira, then sat down in the next chair over, folding her arms loosely on the table.
Mira hesitantly sat down.
“Mira... can you keep a secret, if keeping it protects people?”
She looked at Aster, inquisitive. “If it doesn’t also harm anyone, then yes.”
“The secret I want to tell you... the fact that it’s a secret does harm a lot of people, but revealing it too early or too recklessly could make it harder to start unraveling that harm. I won’t ask you to keep it from people that need to know it unless it has a real chance of causing even more harm.”
Mira rubbed her arm, uncomfortable. “What’s the point in telling me?”
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“It’s the reason behind the hope I have for you.”
That sparked a glimmer of hope in Mira, which she immediately tried to smother. She took a shaky breath. “Aster... I’m scared that whatever it is, it could just make things worse. What if you’re wrong?”
“I have proof.”
“I heard you talking to Andromeda. You made it sound like you don’t have proof.”
“The Overseers are some of the main perpetuators of the lies they tell instead. Some of the people keeping the secret, though I don’t think many of them actually know the truth. You don’t have to trust me if I turn out to be wrong this time. I just need you to trust me enough to hear the secret, and promise not to share the secret recklessly, if you end up believing the reasons I keep it hidden most of the time.”
Mira paused, mind racing, trying to consider carefully. She wouldn’t force me into anything. Aster at least deserves for me to hear her out, doesn’t she? She clenched her fists on her knees, took a deep breath, and tried to relax. “Okay. I can do that.”
Aster looked up. “Dad?”
Fennel nodded, still turned away to prepare the tea, but he soon turned and closed the curtains. He walked to the table and took a seat across from them, then rolled up the sleeve on his left arm, uncovering a dark bandage tied around his upper arm. He unraveled it, revealing a jagged Taint mark. The center looked like an old wound, maybe a scar, with pitch-black blood.
Mira took in a sharp breath.
He looked up to meet Mira’s eyes. “I’ve been Tainted for almost three years. Aster has been helping me manage it, and the Darkening hasn’t progressed while I’ve been out of the Depths.”
“I know it might be hard to believe,” Aster added. “You don’t have to believe us immediately. You can think it over, try to think if there’s any reason we could have for wanting to deceive you. The Taint isn’t recorded, of course - we have to keep it hidden, or they’ll make him serve as a Lantern until he Darkens fully - but you can check the records of people that have entered and exited the Depths. He hasn’t gone in years.” Aster smiled with some combination of relief and pride.
Mira didn’t speak for a long moment, her gaze lingering on the Taint mark, then falling to her hands that were clenched on her knees again. Her mind usually seemed loud to her, but that seemed like ordinary wind compared to the whirlwind it seemed to be now. Is that… definitive proof? Is that enough information? Can I trust them, is it too good to be true, do I just want to believe it, and so it sounds reasonable? It would explain why she tries so hard… but… why would they do this to me? Why would they do this to so many of us, what could they possibly gain?
I should check those records they mentioned. Won’t it hurt more if they turn out to be wrong? I don’t think they’re lying to me, I don’t think I have any good reason to believe they are, I…
Is it okay to believe them?
A tear rolled down her cheek. She wiped it away, and tried to hold back her quiet sobs of relief. She took a deep breath, struggling to reclaim her voice. “I- I can live?” She finally said.
“You can live, Mira.” Aster spoke earnestly.
“We’ll do everything we can to make sure of it.” Fennel grinned, and wrapped up his mark again. “I won’t lie to you, it will be hard to learn to deal with everything that comes with being Tainted. But, you’ll have a seasoned Tainted guy to show you the ropes.”
“Thank you,” Mira said softly. She didn’t know what else to say. “Thank you so much.”
“I’m glad we finally got to tell you.” Aster smiled warmly. She took a deep breath, turning to Fennel. “We’re... going to have to leave.”
He sighed softly and nodded. “I knew it was bound to happen someday.” He stared into space for a moment. Mira wasn’t sure what he was thinking about, but Aster had a similar expression.
Fennel seemed to pull himself back to reality, and Aster followed suit. He stood up and went to finish preparing the drinks. Mira looked at Aster. “Leave?” she echoed anxiously. “And you knew you might have to?”
Aster met her eyes. “It''s not safe for you here anymore, since they know you''ve been Tainted. So... we go to the other side. Beyond the Starless Depths. There''s one more person I need to get out too, for now, and going will help dad be safer too. And… we might be able to find my mother there, if she did make it beyond the Depths all that time ago.”
Mira gripped her own hands tightly. “How will we survive?”
Aster tapped the table edge. “I’ve found cracks of light through some tunnel ceilings. We’ll find routes that keep you all out of the Dark as much as possible. It’ll be a difficult journey, but we’ll make it. Especially with a team of experienced Lanterns.” She tried a slight smile. She was obviously nervous about it, but it was hard to tell to what extent.
“We''ll... do our best, I suppose.” Mira took a long, deep breath, closing her eyes for that moment. “It''s much more hope than I ever had before. What about my parents?” She hesitated. “My father is an Overseer. It wouldn''t be safe to tell them, would it?” Fennel slid over a cup of tea for Mira and a cup of asper juice for Aster. “Thank you,” Mira said. He nodded and sat down with his own cup of featherbark tea.
“If you think one or both of them would divulge the information, then... well, we can''t risk that, but are they just letting you go?” Aster looked at her, concerned, then quickly turned to her drink to take a sip.
Mira started fidgeting. “Well, they think I''m as doomed as I thought I was. They just want me to do as much good as I can before I lose my name and become a Shade. They''ve already said their goodbyes and have been grieving, last I knew... I, um, haven''t visited home for a while. Everything I need is at my room in the Lantern dorms.”
Neither Aster nor her dad seemed certain how to respond to that. Mira drew into herself a little more. I know. I know. I’m sorry, should I have said less? Am I burdening them? Should I break the silence? How do I make it no one’s fault? How do I fix all of this?
“Um, would you want me to come back for them, once I''ve gotten all the Tainted people out?” Aster said.
“They''d want to know I''d survived, at least. I don''t know if they''d trust you, though.” Mira bit her lip, clutching at the hem of her shirt by her sides. “Maybe I can come back, eventually. Maybe... we can fix this place, one day?”
“I''ll do everything I can to fix it. I don''t know where these secrets and corruptions come from, but I''ll do my best to fix it regardless. First I just need to ensure the safety of as many Tainted people as I can, though.” Aster’s determination and confidence was… comforting. It just doesn’t mean that’ll be enough.
“Not just you. I intend to do my utmost as well,” Fennel added.
Aster hesitated, then nodded. “Thank you.” She took another sip of juice.
Mira took a long sip of tea and set the cup down. “I''ll need to head back to my dorm and pack.” She stared into the cup.
“We''ll need to pack too. Can I come help you if I have time?” Aster looked up from the dishes she’d gathered.
“If you want to. I, uh, don’t have much. And we''ll meet at the main entrance to the Depths once we’re all ready?”
“Yeah, that should work.”
Mira drank the rest of her tea in one more long sip. It wasn’t a large cup. Aster and Fennel started to clear the table.
Mira opened her mouth and closed it again, hesitating, then spoke. “Do you, uh, want any help packing? You aren’t planning to come back here for a while, are you?”
Aster blinked. “Oh. Yeah, we… probably won’t live here again in the foreseeable future. Maybe not ever.”
“I’d like to help, if I won’t get in the way.”
“You won’t get in the way, that’s my job,” Fennel piped up from across the kitchen. He smiled good-naturedly. “I can guarantee I’ll take up more space and trip over more things than either of you.”
“I dunno, I’m pretty talented at tripping. Is that a challenge, dad?”
His smile widened, gaining a devious glint in his eye as he looked at Aster. “If you so desire. Can’t say I didn’t warn you, I did say I can guarantee it.”
Mira looked back and forth between them, raising an eyebrow at the… mock competition? She paused, hoping she wasn’t misinterpreting. “Um, what about misplacing things? I might have an unfair advantage there, since I’ve never lived here.”
“Right you are. Glad you’re on my team.” Aster grinned and looked around the kitchen from a spot she’d taken up by the sink, probably looking for things they’d need to bring.
Fennel snapped his fingers. “Aw, man. Suddenly this is looking more evenly matched, maybe I should quit while I’m ahead.” He chuckled, and also seemed to take stock of the room. He paused for a long moment, gazing at the table, seeming to see memories overlayed on the empty spaces. “I guess it’s time to be grateful to have things to lose.”
“Huh?” Aster glanced at him. “How do you mean that?” Mira was silently grateful Aster had asked, because she hadn’t been sure if she was supposed to understand or not.
Fennel had a wistful look in his eyes. “As painful as it is to lose things you care about, especially people… I think it’s overall worse to have nothing to lose. Pain from loss points to the love that was there, and I believe it was worth having, however long it lasted. Emptiness, for me at least, cuts deeper.” He looked at Mira. “I want you to have things to lose. I don’t want that emptiness to be your most consistent companion.”
Mira stared at him, taken aback. She was uncomfortable, in a way, but it was… different than her usual discomfort. She didn’t know how to respond and she wasn’t sure she knew exactly what he meant, but it felt like… well, it felt genuine, and that was somehow strange to her. “I… thank you? I’m sorry, how would you…? What do you mean?” That… wasn’t a great response, was it.
Aster’s dad tilted his head, then laughed. “Sorry, Mira. That was quite a ramble, wasn’t it? I guess I’m trying to skip straight to being a wise old mentor when nobody really knows who the heck I am.” He took a breath. “I just… want to make sure you know someone cares, and that you deserve better. And you can have better. Uhh, I’m doing it again. Wrapping up, just, we’re eager to help wherever we can, okay?” He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, but smiled warmly and went back to gathering things.
Mira paused, trying to process what he’d said. She wasn’t fully sure how to feel about it, but… “someone cares”. That kept echoing back to her. She’d wondered sometimes if Aster was just helping her or taking care of her out of pity or obligation, and… Mira wasn’t sure it was never that, but something in Aster and Fennel’s earnestness felt like it went beyond that.
They wanted better for her. They’d fight to get it for her, or at very least they said they would.
And… for better or for worse, Mira found herself trying to accept that fragment of hope.