Trick


    I walk into the front door and I see him on the small chair by the door. He looks up immediately he sees me and I smile at him, even though I can tell that something is wrong.


    "Hey, I stretch my hand out and he takes it in his. I pull him closer to me and he rests his face in the crook of my neck "How was your day?'''' I ask him.


    His grip on my hand tightens and I can tell my question makes him think about his day. "Okay'''' he says and I can tell he is lying, so I tighten my grip on him just a bit more. I look into his eyes and I can tell that he is trying to tell me something.


    "Are you okay?'''' I ask him.


    He shakes his head and I see that he is fighting back tears. jack is not emotional, he has control of his feelings--most times but recently, it feels like he is trying so hard. I don''t know what is going on.


    "Something happened and I need to tell you,'''' he mutters still in my arms.


    I move him away from me so I can look at him full in the face. "Jack, what happened?'''' I ask him. He closes his eyes and I can tell that this is really hard for him. I don''t like that he is finding it hard to tell me something. I mean, we are supposed to be able to talk to each other about anything but it seems like he is scared of talking to me.


    I don''t want that.


    "Jack, please...."


    He looks at me and I can see that he is trying to stop his tears "Promise me you won''t be upset,'''' he tells me.


    I furrow my brows because he is just confusing me now "I won''t get upset, I promise.'''' I tell him because I need him to know that he shouldn''t be afraid to talk to me. I know this is happening because of that kiss and everything that happened with it. He is still walking on eggshells around me.


    "He called me today,''''


    I know who he is talking about. like I said, this has to do with the kiss. We are back to the kiss again.


    "Why? what did he want?'''' I ask him.


    He closes his eyes for a second "I don''t know, I didn''t give him the chance to say anything. I didn''t want to upset you.'''' he breathes out.


    I know what this is.


    This is all my fault.


    I have made my partner weak.


    I somehow messed with how good we were.


    He is crying right now because of a call. something so insignificant but because of me, I made it something big.


    "Jack, look at me,'''' I tell him. He doesn''t and I grab his chin and force him to look at me. I can see the tears in his eyes and the pain written on his face. I hate that I am doing this to him. "I am sorry,'''' I tell him, looking at the ground because I know what this is my fault. I didn''t mean to do this. I didn''t mean to ruin our relationship this much. "I am sorry,'''' I tell him again, looking in his eyes. "I am sorry,'''' I say again and I can''t take it anymore. I need to apologize for being such a terrible boyfriend.


    "I don''t understand,'''' he manages probably confused.


    "You haven''t done anything wrong. You can take his call; you can talk to other guys. I made you weak. I made you vulnerable. I am sorry,'''' I tell him and I just can''t take it anymore, I pull him in for a hug. He cries into my shirt and I just hold him close. I am sorry.


    **************************


    Once Jack finally sleeps, I leave the room and go down the stairs. I said it before, deep down. I knew that I had messed things up but I thought things were repairable--fuck, I have to fix this but I don''t know what to do.


    I made a mess of things and I don''t know what to do to fix it.


    It is eleven in the night; I should be asleep but I can''t with everything.


    I decide to go for a walk and think about what I have done.


    I don''t even know how long I walk for until I find myself in Lance''s house. I need to talk to someone and I know that it is late and this is weird but I have run out of options. I can''t leave things like this because it is only going to get worse. He is not okay; he says he is but I can tell.


    Something is going on and I don''t know how to fix it.


    I grab my phone from my pocket and dial his number. I see his light brighten from the window and I know I just woke him up as he answers the call.


    "Hey, is everything okay?'''' he asks immediately.


    "Yeah, I just need to talk to you. Did I wake you up?'''' I ask him.


    "No, I was awake. What is wrong?'''' he asks me. I know he is lying, probably so I don''t feel bad for waking him up.


    "Can you come out for a sec?"


    I see his shadow and I know he is coming out. "Yeah, I will be right there,'''' he says and ends the call.


    I wait by the door and I hear footsteps approaching. The door opens and I see Lance standing in front of me in his pajamas. "What''s going on?'''' he asks me and I look at him. I just need someone to talk to.


    "I messed things up with Jack,'''' I tell him and he gives me a weird look.


    "How bad?'''' he asks me and I bite my lip. I want to tell him that I made him weak and that I ruined our relationship.


    I open my mouth to say it but I can''t.


    "Tell me what happened,'''' he tells mend I know that he is waiting for me to tell him.


    I take a deep breath and I start telling him everything. "I just drove him crazy because of that fucking kiss. everything in our relationship falls back to it. I don''t know what to do."


    I am talking to him, hoping I can do better.


    Be better.