《Falling In Love》


 Chapter 1 - The Bribe.

    Lance.


    ''''Don''t walk away from me,'''' she yells and the sound is deafening.


    ''''I don''t want to know, hence why I am walking away '''' I explain even though I am being a jerk right now. I watch my mother as she sighs but follows me into my room. we were just having dinner. it was supposed to be a peaceful evening but she had to mention marriage. what the fuck is she thinking?


    I try to bang the door as I usually do but she beats me to it. This is not the first time we are having a screaming fest. it is normal for us. Just let me disagree with something she thinks is right or if she disagrees with me. We end up making so much noise that the neighbours have to make a complaint.


    ''''Oh, you don''t get to walk away from this conversation. Why can''t you ever act like a normal person?'''' she is trying to hurt me. Everyone this is my mother, the woman who birthed me. My supposed ride or die.


    ''''What if I am done with the conversation?'''' I raise my brow teasing her. she sighs loudly, obviously frustrated but I live for these moments. Moments where I can get under her skin. She doesn''t get to tell me that she is getting married and expect me to just welcome the man I have never met in my life. That''s not how this works.


    ''''He wants to meet you before the wedding.''''


    Ha.


    Wedding.


    Whenever I have an issue with mama dear she ends up taking the conversation to four stages. The first is Anger. Hence the whole scream fest


    ''''I don''t want to meet him,'''' I am still holding the door and she is doing the same. I groan and let go of the door and walk over to my bed. the mattress dips down with the pressure of my weight.


    ''''Please Lanny'''' she calls me by the nickname I somehow gave myself when I was a kid. Growing up I couldn''t pronounce my name so I always said Lanny and somehow she picked it up and that''s what she calls me when she is trying to get me to behave. You have to understand that I am the worst. I intentionally live for trouble moments.


    The second is pleading. That''s why her voice is suddenly calmer now and she is trying to reason with me. I can smell the desperation in her voice.


    I don''t like to do what I am told.


    I always get what I want because I feel this life is too short and I won''t live it for anyone else. no matter the situation; if it doesn''t sit right with me I won''t force myself to do it.


    It''s just me.


    ''''I don''t want to, this is between you and him; why am I suddenly involved in your relationship. this is a man I have never met and now you suddenly want me to meet him after you agreed to marry the guy. No thanks Mama"


    She sighs and closes the door. She sits down at the edge of the bed and I know what is next. We are in the third stage.


    Bargaining.


    ''''I promise, just this once. You don''t have to spend more than an hour. it can be a quick lunch," I look at her with disbelief. She is marrying the guy. Of course, I will have to spend more than an hour with him. I will have to live with the sucker. This is an unfair request.


    ''''You''re being selfish. I am not interested in your husband. You chose him. Why do I have to kiss his ass too?"


    She shakes her head ''''No you won''t. He really wants to meet you. Oh, he has a son, he''s your age. You guys can be friends."


    I scoff because if this is the best she can do then she is not going to win this round. ''''Oh telling me he has a son will make me more interested?'''' I ask her because I genuinely want to know how her mind works.


    She sighs and for the first time, I notice that her hair is a darker shade. The white strands that I know were there are gone now "Did you dye your hair?" I ask in disbelief. She touches the strands and smiles "Yes I did. John says it makes me look like Jasmine from Aladin" she has a dreamy look on her face.


    I fake gag from just the thought of her and HER john.


    "EWWW woman"


    ''''Come on Lanny, okay. I will give you a raise on your allowance"


    My eyes shoot up to her. The interests suddenly there and guys we are at the end and most successful stage.


    Bribery.


    "How much?"


    She smiles.


    "50 bucks"


    I shake my head because I know she can do better. Remember when I said I only do things I want to. Well, I want a raise. I want to buy a new game and it is freaking expensive. This is my way in. I can get the raise and meet "John"


    I have nothing to lose.


    "I think 50 isn''t worth meeting this man. You gotta do better than that mama"


    Glaring with a frown she sighs "Your mission is to rob me. What kind of son bribes his mother?" she says like it is the most unbelievable thing.


    I roll my eyes "Hey, you''re the one bribing here. I am just accepting the bribe"


    She stands up from the bed and walks over to the door "80 Bucks and that''s my final offer. His driver will come to pick you up tomorrow. Please be on your best behaviour" I watch her as she leaves the room with a feeling of accomplishment.


    I.Always.Win.


    THE NEXT DAY.


    A chauffeur.


    How rich is this man?


    I walk out of our apartment building and the black Mercedes in quite obvious in this neighbourhood. The driver gets down from the car and opens the door as I walk closer "Good afternoon sir."


    Sir?


    Ha.


    It''s funny because somehow I have suddenly turned into a sir. Unbelievably, I like the attention. I enter the car and he closes the door for me. Dude, I have hands you don''t have to do everything.


    The ride to the restaurant is short and we get there in a split second. I didn''t even have enough time to relax and mentally prepare my mind for this encounter.


    I don''t know the right things to say. I was bribed into going so I have to try my best not to be the bitch that I usually am. I don''t want to ruin this for her.


    Yeah, I don''t fully support this her marriage but she seems happy. I can tell that much and if she wants to marry this man. I have to come to terms with it. I know myself. I unintentionally bite my own ass with my words. I might say something so stupid or do something that I will end up regretting.


    I should at least try for her.


    "We''re here," the drivers says and looks at me through the rearview mirror.


    I manage a smile "aren''t you gonna open the door for me?"


    Shit.


    You see. I say stupid stuff all the time. He looks at me with disbelief and I blush embarrassed for myself. I am already messing things up before I even meet the man. if I blow this, I can just kiss my extra eighty bucks goodbye.


    We are at Meat and Grills. It''s a barbeque joint close to my house. I am a sucker for their barbeque. Mom must have told him that I like this place. He is trying to win me over. I walk into the building and the driver follows me "Do you have a name?" I ask him. I am still looking for trouble. I don''t know why but it seems fun teasing someone that can''t engage with you.


    "George" he answers.


    Once inside I look for the man of the hour but I realize I don''t know how he looks like. Probably why George is following me in. "Nice bow tie George," I notice it for the first time. He smiles faintly and suddenly stops in front of a table. A man in a suit is seated. He stands up immediately he sees us. His hair is gelled so neatly it almost looks like someone rubbed spit all over it. His white shite is so crisp and neat that I feel dirty in my sweatshirt and jeans. I didn''t even bother to dress to impress.


    No time for that.


    He is quite handsome for an old guy with brown hair and hazel eyes. He is like a foot taller than me and I see the muscles through his shirt. Ooohh mama picked right. I laugh to myself. We are having an awkward staring contest. And for a second I want to say something stupid to make this less awkward but moms face keeps on popping into my head.


    "Hi Son," he stretches his hand out for a handshake.


    What am I fifty?


    I ignore his hand and slide into the booth. He laughs a kind of throaty laugh. I can tell I am making him nervous. I like getting on his nerves. I like getting on people''s nerves. It makes me feel alive.


    Weird right?


    "Your mother has told me so much about you but she really went short on how good looking you are," he sits down opposite me. I look away from him and notice that George is no longer with us. I didn''t even know he left.


    "Me? Handsome? You don''t have to lie to win points," I wave my hands in the air in a sort of come on dude, no need for lies way. I am barely five feet with short hair, freckles and brown eyes. My freckles are so bad that somethings they look like acne. I am skinny and too lazy to go to the gym. He is obviously sucking up right now and it''s not working.


    "No lying here. You are very handsome" he smiles. His teeth are perfect. "Brad is supposed to be here" he grabs his iPhone from the table and unlocks it "Brad?" I ask unsure


    "My son, he is late," he explains.


    He places the phone on his ear "Where are you?" his tone is suddenly firm. He is trying to act nice in front of me. I see through you, mister. You are not so perfect. "This was important, I told you a week before Brad. Okay, alright"


    I can''t hear the other end of the conversation but I take it that Brad is a no show. He drops the phone with a solemn expression "He had basketball practice," he explains to me like I even care. I am not interested in meeting his son; I only came here for the money.


    "All good," I smile.


    "What will you like to eat....


    After lunch, we go back to the car and he smiles, to him this was the perfect introduction but right now I just want to get out of this uncomfortable situation "Thanks for meeting me today son,"


    I hate that he calls me son. I am not his son, he doesn''t have to act like this is completely normal. He doesn''t need to love me to love my mother. I am completely fine with not being in the picture.


    "Me too" I lie through my teeth. I need this to be perfect because I need the money. If mother dearest hears anything bad from me, I can kiss it goodbye.


    "You have to meet Brad. You guys will get along so well,"


    I furrow my brows unsure who he is talking about "Brad?" I ask confused.


    He smiles "My son. I think I mentioned his name before" you see how not interested in this I am. I totally forgot about his son. Does he think just because people are the same age, they''d get along? That''s even more of a reason why we might never get along. Brad sounds like a tool and I won''t be pretending to be all chummy with the guy. It''s bad that I have to kiss ass to his father.


    "Sure"


    Definitely not.

 Chapter 2 - Crush

    Lance


    "How was it?" her eyes are peering at me with so much ardour. The expression is scary. I have never seen my mother this interested in anything I have ever done in my life. She must really love this man.


    "It was okay," I roll my eyes because I am only thinking about the money I will soon have. She sighs and lies flat on my bed. She needs to leave; I need my space. She hasn''t even given me breathing space since I got back. She could as well ask John. Why is she bothering me?


    "You have to give me details boy. He has to like you. You know how rude you can be." Her elbow is pressed to the bed and she is looking at me again.


    "I''m rude?" I fake gasp. She doesn''t need to tell me. I already know. These are the things that make me, me. I don''t need approval from anyone. I am living my life for me and no one else.


    "Yes, you are. He said you were the perfect gentleman. I find that hard to believe. You must have said or done something stupid."


    I should be annoyed but this is the kind of relationship I have with this woman. She doesn''t spare my feelings when she opens her mouth. Almost like she thinks I am made of steel.


    I see she asked him.


    "Then why are you asking?"


    She sighs so loud and dramatically that a smile crawls up to my face. She is being a drama queen. This is not a big deal. If that man loves her, nothing I do will ruin it. She stands up from the bed and slaps both hands on her thigh out of sheer frustration. "You are such a jerk. How do I have a son that is so mean to me?" she doesn''t wait for me as she walks out of my room.


    I laugh out from the scene. As usual, my mother is a drama queen. I know where I got all my attitude from. My phone rings and I grab it and see my best friend''s caller ID. The goofy smile on his face is plastered on my screen. Jack is the opposite of me. With Ginger hair and blue eyes that shine under any fluorescent light. We have been best friends and neighbours since kindergarten. He is the only one that I can tolerate and that is why I keep him around.


    "Open your door," he doesn''t wait for a hello. I sigh because entertaining anyone right now is not in my playbook right now. All my energy has been drained from the whole lunch with the new pops.


    I stand up from my bed and walk out of my tiny room. The living room is even smaller. There is a couch and a tv in front of it. Our apartment is a 2 bedroom with a shared bathroom and a living room. We don''t have a dining table so our meals are usually in front of the tv. Mom opens her door and peeps out "Jack?" I nod without a response and she goes back into her room. I open the door and his face is pressed into his phone. He looks up immediately and a mischievous smile is on his face.


    "No," I say immediately already suspicious of his motives. He is not just here to see me; he has some plans in mind that I am not interested in today. Jack is the most social butterfly I have ever met, hence why he is the opposite of me. He is over 6ft with a body that makes all the girls want him. He is the definition of handsome and that makes him popular in school. Unlike me. I like to think that if we didn''t know each other before looks characters were developed; we would never even be friends.


    Somehow, he just got stuck with me, unfortunately.


    He laughs hysterically which makes me furrow my brows in confusion. I haven''t said anything funny. He is not going to win this. There is no way in hell "You don''t even know what I was gonna say," there is still a smile on his face.


    "I know it is something I am not interested in" I open the door wider for him and he enters still so engrossed in his phone. Jack is obsessed with social media. He has over 400,000 followers on Instagram. Unlike me; I could care about all that stuff. I don''t even remember where I dropped my phone half the time.


    "You don''t even know what it is."


    I raise a brow waiting to see if he would even surprise me. Jack is going to talk about a party or some sort of gathering. It is going to be the buzz of the night. Everyone is going to be there. You see, these are the things he drags me into. I have no interest in parties or hangouts. All I need is my gamepads and headphones and I am the happiest man on earth.


    "Okay, I know you will try to get out of this but I need you tonight."


    I chuckle "You need me for what?" I want him to say it. He is beating around the bush, trying to rope me into something I will probably regret tomorrow.


    "You have to promise you won''t say no."


    I laugh "I will never agree to anything that has to do with you blindly. If you don''t tell me what it is, this conversation is over" I grab my air pods from the centre table and put them in my ear. I am about to block this overly energetic bozo out of earshot. He grabs my phone before hastily "No, don''t you dare try to ignore me right now."


    I sigh getting impatient "Get dressed, please. I need you," he pulls at my shirt roughly, like somehow this is going to make me listen to his gibberish. I reach for my phone and he waves it away from me "It''s a Silent disco party. A guy from Westerville high is throwing it. Everyone is going to be there"


    Immediately I hear the school, I shake my head immediately. Westerville is the private school next to our school. The school is a five-minute walk from ours; we are basically opposites. They are preppy rich kids, with the whole uniform and shit. I don''t even know why Jack would want to go to a party like that.


    "Dude...Westerville?" I ask in disbelief.


    He nods his head continuously desperate to convince me. There is no reason why I should say no to this but the fact that it is not my kind of scene. No scene jack is interested in is my kind but I tag along because somehow; he always wants me by his side. For half of me, I still don''t understand why. We have nothing in common. Absolutely nothing.


    "I know they suck but this is the talk of the day. Everyone is going, everyone??? he drags the last word like that makes a difference.


    "We''re not everyone." I remind him.


    He nods "I know, but I really want to."


    "Why?"


    He runs his hands through his hair and I can tell he is nervous. What is making him nervous? From his expression, I can tell he is keeping something from me. What could be hiding?


    "I want to see someone."


    Hmmm.


    "Who?"


    His cheeks turn crimson and my curiosity peaks. There is more to this and if I know my best friend; he has a crush on someone. It is easy for Jack to get anyone he wants. He is gorgeous. Girls fall at his feet, so who is this girl?


    "Someone you don''t know" he tries to brush it off but I am persistent. I will get this out of him even though he doesn''t want to talk.


    "Give me the details or you are going to this thing alone." I am blackmailing him but this is what I do. I use what I have to get what I want and what I want right now is the juicy details. Jack has never been in love and somehow the look in his eyes tells me that this is more than a crush.


    "You always have to be such a jerk, don''t you?"


    I smile so wide that he rolls his eyes "Shit, fine. You really don''t know her but her name is Camilla."


    "And?"


    There has to be more to this than just her name.


    "We''ve been texting on insta for a while."


    So, she is not in our school. So, she must be a prep kid. Hmmm. Jack knows that we don''t roll with prep kids but somehow, he is in love with one. This must be something that is out of his control.


    "How long is a while?"


    He sighs. I feel like I am interrogating him and maybe that is what I am doing. This is my best friend and he has been keeping this from me. I should feel hurt but I don''t. I just like that there is something juicy going on in his life and I will get to the bottom of it.


    "A couple of months," he answers and his face reddens.


    I smile "Hmmm....you like this girl?"


    He nods without hesitation. He has a puppy dog look right now and it is sickening. He can''t go all mushy on me. I won''t take a lovesick best friend. "I really do," he tells me honestly.


    I sigh because I don''t want to be part of this love story. Why does he have to involve me in this? I just want to stay in bed this Friday night and play video games. Is that too much to ask?


    "She invited me to this and I don''t want to go alone. This is the first time we''re meeting and I am nervous as fuck." he runs his hands through his hairs and somehow all strands go back and settle in the same position. I roll my eyes at how perfect he is. My hair can never stay on its own even if its life depended on it.


    He is still watching me and waiting. I know that I have been convinced and the smile that spreads on his phone lets me know that he knows too.


    "What is a silent disco party?" I ask with a sigh in defeat.


    ***************


    Jack''s arm is over my shoulder as he drags me into the house. Just I expected this is not my part of town. From the drive, I could tell that I didn''t belong here. We entered the gated estate and the moment I saw the houses I felt out of place. We are in a mansion and the moment we walk in the silence gets to me. Everyone is dancing. They all seem to be having a good time but in my view this doesn''t look like fun.


    They all have headphones on a lady by the entrance gives us both headphones. They are beats headphones and this worries me because I know how expensive these things are and someone could afford them in surplus.


    "This is lame," I mutter under my breath.


    Jack doesn''t seem to be paying attention to me as his eyes roam around, probably in search of this mystery girl "Do you know how she looks like?" I ask him.


    He shakes his head and tightens his grip on the headphones. We bump into a couple of people who don''t seem to notice as we walk deeper into the house "I should call her right?" he asks like somehow; I have the answers he is searching for. I know what is going to happen. Once he finds this girl, he is going to ditch me and join the popular crowd. This is not my first rodeo. I am used to being ditched. Once I find a quiet place to chill, I can easily play call of duty on my phone.


    "You should" I urge him. The faster he gets to her, the faster I can find a quiet spot.


    He laughs and grabs his phone. I still can''t get over how quiet this place is. No one can hear us, no one cares. Silent parties are my new favourite. We get to the kitchen and there are drinks and sprawled everywhere. People here don''t seem to have their headphone. There is a couple making out heavily by the steps. Just your typical rager.


    I grab a beer from a bucket filled with ice and Jack collects it from me. His phone is in his ear as he takes a sip from the drink "It''s ringing," he announces.


    I nod getting another drink for myself. His voice fades out as I focus on my environment. The place is packed and already a mess. Cleaning it will be a hassle. Jack is muttering but I don''t pay attention to his conversation. After he ends the call, I look at him. I know what is next and I eagerly wait.


    "She said I should meet her by the pool."


    "Enjoy." I smile.


    He scratches the back of his neck. He thinks I am sad that he is leaving. There is always this guilty expression on his face whenever he has to leave me at parties. "You should come to meet her." he tries to drag me with him.


    I shake my head immediately. "Allow me to see this place for myself. I will be fine" I wave my hands in the air, brushing his offer off.


    He laughs "You sure?"


    I nod "Yes"


    "We meet here in an hour. No disappearing on me" he points his finger warning me. I roll my eyes because he Is more likely the one to disappear. I have nothing to do at this party so I''ll be waiting for him.


    I finally find an empty room without people trying to have sex and I sit down on the bed. The mattress presses down as my weight gets on it and the feeling is blissfully enticing, it is soft and comforting. This must be one expensive mattress. The room is large and grand looking. It is dark and I don''t attempt to look for a light switch. I drop the headphones beside me and lie flat on my back. Today has been an exhausting day, first I had to meet John and now I am here, against my own will.


    I rest for a couple of minutes before sitting with my back pressed to the headboard. I open my game and start playing away the night. I don''t know how long I play but I am so engrossed that I don''t hear the door open. I don''t hear anyone come to the bed until the person is lying down next to me. He smells of alcohol and I stiffen as I feel his presence.


    Shit.


    I really wanted to be alone.


    The room is so dark to even make out whoever is next to me. His arm brushes against my leg and I freeze afraid that he will notice that someone else is on the bed. He doesn''t seem to notice; I watch him.


    He grabs a pillow and hugs it tightly. His eyes are roaming around the room. He is looking at everywhere but right beside him. If he looks, he will see me. I don''t want him to think I am some sort of creep. If I don''t say something; that is what I will be considered.


    "You don''t have to be so quiet," he mutters finally.


    So he knew I was here. Why is he lying down next to me? I don''t even know who this is but all I can make out is his voice. It is deep and very masculine with a little bit of husk. He sounds like he shouldn''t be in high school. This is the voice of a man, not some pubescent boy. So unlike mine.


    "This room is occupied," I tell him immediately. The fact that he is barging in on my quiet time is getting on my nerves.


    He laughs, his voice drawls "Oh, Is this your room?" through the darkness, I can feel him watching me. I still don''t know how he looks and he probably can''t tell either. We are totally having a whole conversation in the dark and no one seems to want to find a light.


    "No."


    He laughs again. He is probably drunk and won''t remember this in the morning "Then it is fair game." he stands up from the bed and walks to the far end of the room¡ªprobably the bathroom. He opens the door and unlike the room, it is bright. I see his back and I must say he has an amazing back. His shoulders are broad; dressed in Black jeans and a light blue shirt. He walks into the bathroom, the door closes before I can get a clearer view.


    I shake my head because there is no way he is going to get this room to himself. It took me a while to find an empty room and I don''t plan on going back to the party. I hear the sound of water and assume he is either having a shower or is passed out in the bathroom. I ignore him and face my game again. It''s none of my business. He is a stranger and probably a prep kid. I have no interest in making friends here. I came for moral support and I have done that.


    After a while, the bathroom door opens and I see his face through the light. I knew he was going to be good looking but holy fuck. I take a breath because I wasn''t ready for this. From his voice, I could tell he was blessed with gifts from God but his chiselled face and grey eyes that pull me in are not helping matters. He is dressed in a towel and there is water dripping all over his body, his abs are evident through the faint light; he looks like he works out. He stops in front of the bright light and I sit there like a fool gawking. I don''t know what is wrong with me but it is like I have never seen a naked man in my life. He smiles and I am unsure if he can actually see me. He dries his hair with a smaller towel.


    Who the fuck has a shower in a stranger''s room?


    "You wanna go next?" he asks like he knows I am watching him unsure of what to say. I don''t even know why I am still staring at him. I have no interest in anything that has to do with this stranger but what is this feeling?


    "No thanks," I manage with a slightly nervous cough.


    He nods and walks over to a drawer. I am confused because he opens it and grabs something from the drawer and I make it out to be underwear. Okay, this guy must be insane. I feel weird even watching him as he wears the boxers and drops the towel on a chair. I stand up from the bed because this is my cue to leave. He is acting like this is his room.


    "Do you just go around randomly having showers in strangers'' houses?" he clicks a switch as I speak and the room suddenly brightens. I see him clearly and the faint light wasn''t doing him justice. Under the bright light, his eyes shine even brighter. Every part of his body becomes clearer and I wonder if the feeling in the pit of my stomach is either jealousy or something else. There is a smile on his face, I notice a dimple on the right side of his cheek. He has only one dimple and I never knew someone could wear a dimple so well. His hair is a sandy brown.


    "Well, I stank." he smiles wider and the dimple deepens.


    "Okay weirdo." I walk over to the door and he speaks up "You don''t have to go if you don''t want to." he looks at me with an expectant expression. Does he want my company?


    "Why?"


    He shrugs "You were here first and it doesn''t seem like you want to be at this party." he walks over to the closet and I watch him in disbelief. I walk over to the closet and there are clothes hung everywhere. He is planning on taking someone else''s clothes. He grabs a pair of pants from and wears it immediately.


    "Dude, this is so wrong on so many levels." I can''t help myself. This very good-looking man is doing wrong right now and I won''t stand by and watch. It is bad enough that we are in here in the first place.


    "I''m just borrowing it," he says as he wears a plain shirt.


    "You can''t borrow someone''s clothes without asking."


    He laughs and faces me "Well, I asked and the owner is fine with me wearing them."


    "You''re lying right now."


    He shakes his head. We walk out of the closet and he jumps on the bed, messing up the covers. Lying on his side, he pats the empty side of the bed, urging me to join him. I stand at the end of the bed not obliging. The hour is almost up, I should go and look for Jack. "You look like you want to run out of here," he says.


    "I have somewhere to be," I tell him honestly.


    He nods "can you stay for a minute?" his eyes are piercing as he watches me and my heart jolts against my chest.


    Shit.


    What is going on?

 Chapter 3 - Beautiful Stranger.

    "I really should be going back down."


    We are both lying down on the bed with our backs pressed against the sheets. We are staring at the ceiling. There are stickers or stars plastered all across and it is really the most beautiful sight I have ever seen.


    "Another minute," he breathes into the night and my body listens to him. I don''t think Jack is looking for me; he would''ve called if he was. He is probably enjoying his sweet time with his sweet sweet Camilla.


    "Okay."


    He shifts in the bed and I look away from the ceiling and at him. There is a dreamy expression on his face and all the feelings in me from just looking at him is confusing. I don''t even know what he is feeling but I like the fact that he really wants to be around me. This boy is a stranger; I doubt I will ever see him again after tonight but this sudden attention is enticing.


    "You know I just realized that I don''t know your name. Do you go to Westerville Prep?" he is watching me but all I can focus on is his grey eyes. I don''t know if it is an attraction because I have never been attracted to the same sex. Hell, I have never been attracted to anyone before.


    "Nope" I manage to answer. I am in my head too much tonight. All these emotions that are stirring up inside me are terrifying.


    "No wonder I didn''t recognize you," he moves closer and his arm brushes against mine "Why are you at this party?" he adds.


    "A friend got an invite."


    He nods and his smile broadens "I saw you when you came in. You seemed so out of place."


    Oh, so he has been watching me.


    "Did you follow me?" I am not the slightest bit upset that he came here because of me. Should I be creeped out? I like the fact that he was watching me; seriously something is so wrong with me.


    "Yes," a blush appears on his face and I realize that he is nervous too.


    Does he like me?"


    Is he gay?


    "It''s not what you think. I was just curious," he waves his hands in the air. I laugh because this is getting interesting.


    "What do I think?"


    "I''m not gay." he sits on the bed like somehow, he needs to defend himself. I don''t care if he is. I don''t have a problem with it. He seems to be in denial of himself as he adds "I just wanted to talk. You know with someone that doesn''t know me."


    I nod.


    "I knew you were not really part of this crowd. You are different," he explains. I raise a brow because I don''t know what he means. What makes me different? "There''s something about you."


    "What?"


    He laughs and I watch him as his hands reach for his hair and he brushes the soft strands with his fingers. My eyes roam to his arm and the veins popping out. This looks a little too sexy to me. I am watching a man and I think he is sexy.


    Wow.


    "You ask a lot of questions." he reaches for me and I stiffen. He touches my forehead and I stay still unsure of what he is about to do "There is something on your face" he wipes it off and I release a breath as he moves away.


    He seems a little too gay to me, so why is he ashamed?


    "What did you want to talk about with a stranger?" I ask yet another question.


    He lies back on his back and is no longer watching me. I am still looking at him and his side profile is also perfect. This man looks like he was sculpted by someone. He is too perfect to be real.


    "Nothing really. I just wanted to be me for once."


    "Why do you feel the need to be someone else around the people you know?" I ask him.


    He sighs, his voice softens "No one will love me." he sounds sad and it seems like this has been eating at him for so long. I don''t know what he is going through but it seems like he is going through something difficult.


    I reach for him out of my own control. I don''t even know what I am doing; I expect him to push me off or jump away from me but he does nothing as I brush the strands of hair out of his face. He closes his eyes and I watch this beautiful stranger as he takes a soft breath. I am caressing a man''s face and it doesn''t feel so bad. In fact, it feels a little too good.


    I move closer to him and his eyes shoot open and watch me for my next move. I know what I am going to do; I want to kiss him. I want to taste his beautiful pink lips against mine. This is the scariest thing I have ever attempted to do and I hope I am successful "I know you said you are not gay, but I want to try this." I warn him before I press my lips to his.


    Time freezes, it almost seems like everything in this world has stopped as I feel his tender lips on mine. This is my first kiss and if I die right now, I would feel fulfilled. He stiffens against me but I don''t feel resistance from him; he wants this as much as I do. There is a longing in my action. I grab his shirt in a tight grip as he moves even closer to me. We are on the bed, in each other''s arms and as our lips move against each other my world suddenly feels complete.


    This kiss can be considered chaste at first, we don''t use tongue, we don''t grope each other, we just get lost in the whirlwind of emotions that have been fighting to come out. He breathes into my mouth and that is when I lose all control; he does the same and suddenly he is on top of me, our mouths move in sync as he presses into me. I feel myself as I get excited, he is excited to. This moment is perfect; this explains so much about me that I never even knew I needed to explore. All the anger in me, the hate towards the world. I have always had a part of me that was suppressed and now I know why.


    The Beautiful stranger reaches for my shirt and I let him take it off. He takes his own off and those beautiful abs get exposed. I brush my fingers against them and he moans out just from one touch. Shit, he is fucking sexy. I am not drunk but I feel drunk. I thought he was drunk when he walked in but suddenly, he seems sober. He kisses me again and I moan against his lips. We keep kissing for I don''t know how long. This isn''t even about sex, no one makes that move.


    The moment is ruined when I feel my phone vibrate on the bed. He groans out and I chuckle.


    "Fuck." his voice is estranged. He wants me as much as I want him. I like this feeling. Fuck.


    I check the Id and jacks face is on the screen. I hate his face suddenly fro interrupting this moment. I press the answer button and his voice blares into my phone "Where are you?" he shouts into the phone.


    Why is he shouting?


    "Are you ready?"


    The beautiful stranger is watching me with a smile on his face. His pretty face is begging for another kiss. Shit, this is a lot and I love it.


    "Yes, hurry up." Jack ends the call and I sigh out loud not wanting this moment to end.


    "Your friend?"


    I nod.


    "You leaving?"


    I nod again.


    We both stand up from the bed and he grabs my shirt from the floor. He gives it to me and my hand brushes against his slightly. This is the moment where we say our goodbyes but I don''t want to leave him. I want to get to know him, I want to kiss him again. He is too interesting to let go of.


    "You know, you should show this side of you more often," I tell him because he might think pretending to be someone else will get him more love in his life but being himself and loving himself will get him the love he deserves, not the one he thinks he needs.


    He chortles "Maybe if you give me your number." he is looking at my phone with so much hope in his eyes. I don''t plan on just saying goodbye to him. I need more of this sexy sexy man.


    "You have to give me yours too." I wink and he blushes.


    He calls out his number and my heart skips a beat in the cages of my chest. This man is too good to be true and he is interested in me. This is all so surreal. I look at him upon the realization that I don''t know his name. He is still a stranger and in some weird way, it is exciting.


    "What''s your name?"


    He frowns "We don''t have to share names. We could make this more exciting. I''ll call you COD....you can call me something else."


    I furrow my brows "COD?"


    He nods with a bright smile. He doesn''t want me to know his name. That much is obvious. He wants this to be a secret. He is too ashamed to be who he really is but if this is the only way that I can have anything to do with him; then I will take it.


    "Yeah, because you were playing that earlier."


    Oh, so he meant Call of duty. Typical that as a game nerd my nickname would be a game. So typical.


    "What do I call you?"


    He shrugs "Whatever you want. It''s your choice."


    I think and a smile creeps up to my face. I save his number and head out the door. He is still watching me as I leave. He stops me as I get to the door "What is my name?" he asks curiously.


    I chuckle under my breath as I answer his question "Boxers Thief.." with that I walk out of the room with hopes that this is not the last time I see my beautiful stranger.

 Chapter 4 - Exciting Feelings.

    Boxers thief: Did last night really happen?


    Boxers thief: Hello?


    Boxers thief: You there?


    I stare at the messages because playing hard to get will get him hooked. I want to reply him but I don''t want him to think I am too eager. Okay, maybe I was the one that made the first move. I might have been the instigator but now I want him to want me more.


    My mind has been in a funk. I am still trying to come to terms with this new found sexuality that I have discovered. I know my mother wouldn''t judge me, she is the most accepting woman I have ever met. I don''t have any worries in regards that aspect but before I wish for acceptance, I have to accept myself first. Do i accept this new me?


    I still don''t know how I feel about it and it is okay. I will come to understand everything when the time is right. I am still staring at my phone when my room door opens and Jack barges in. He jumps on my bed and since it is so tiny, he squeezes next to me with our bodies pressed together.


    I groan "Move away" I push him but he doesn''t budge. I have the most stubborn best friend ever. If you all think I am stubborn, you should try living with Jack for a day. He will drive you insane.


    "What are you doing?" he reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out a packet of Twizzlers. This is our favorite candy so I grab it from him before he can open it "Hey" he cries.


    I chuckle as I put one in my mouth. He collects the pack from me and we share it together. My phone is still pressed in front of me and he peers into it reading my message. I try to block him but it already too late. "Who is boxers'' thief?"


    "None of your business." I lock the phone, not wanting him to know anything about my new found excitement.


    We have a weird relationship so me keeping this from him won''t sit well with him. He raises a brow but the look on his face tells me that he is not done with the conversation "What happened at the party?" I am caught off guard as he grabs my phone from me and unlocks it.


    Shit.


    I try to get the phone back but he stands up and runs to the direction of the door. I watch him walk out of my room and I know he can''t really figure anything out from the messages. I haven''t talked to my beautiful stranger since I left him and I have been staring at his messages all day unsure if I should reply. The only think Jack can get from the messages are the fact that I met someone last night.


    He won''t know if the person is a guy or a girl so I don''t care. It''s not that I am not ready to tell him about this, I just don''t know if it is anything serious. I haven''t fully explored my feelings to know if this is real. I need full confirmation first.


    Jack walks back in with a goofy smile plastered on his face. This must be exciting for him; I have never shown any interest in anyone before and the fact that we even have this to talk about must be interesting to him.


    "You met someone last night?" the stupid smile is still on his face.


    With an eye roll "No one important," I answer him.


    He shakes his head and jumps on my bed roughly. He hits my left knee in the process and I groan out in pain "dude" I scream.


    He apologizes.


    "Who is she?" the gleam in his eyes are getting on my nerves. The fact that he automatically assumes it is a girl is wrong. We are in the 21st century. Being gay is not such a strange thing. Funny I take offence to his assumption.


    "Who says it''s a girl?"


    His eyes open wide, the shock written clearly on his face "Hold up...are you serious?"


    I nod.


    He smiles and I watch him, waiting for his reaction. Jack is the least judgmental person I know. Deep down I know he won''t judge me, or suddenly start hating me. That is the only reason we are still friends. He has been able to accept me with all the obvious flaws I have. No one can tolerate me as much as the boy in front of me.


    We have so much history.


    "Come on, spill it."


    "It''s not a big deal."


    He shakes his head and grab both of my hands in his, squeezing it "Dude I am your best friend. You can''t keep this from me, it is so fucking unethical."


    I laugh "How so?"


    He frowns still holding my hands "It''s in the friend handbook. It''s a rule man."


    "Really?"


    He is exaggerating right now but I get his point. He wants to know and I think I should practice coming out to him first. Although I still think I need to know for sure, if this feeling in me is real. I have to be a hundred percent sure.


    I sigh "You must tell me."


    "Fine, you win." I collect my phone from him when I hear a beep. It''s another message from him.


    Boxer''s thief: I am starting to think you gave me a wrong number. *inserts sad emoji.


    Jack shifts closer "Hmm...reply him."


    "I don''t know what to say," I tell him honestly. I have been racking my brain all day. I have delayed too long and now it seems weird saying just hello. I also don''t want to seem too eager. This is a lot more complicated than I ever imagined.


    "You need to give me details. I need to know how you guys met and what happened."


    He is too excited. In fact, he seems more excited than I am. Someone would think he is the one that this is happening to. I tell him everything that happened yesterday and the smile on his face remains plastered. He listens to me attentively and eagerly.


    "You don''t know his name?"


    I nod.


    "Oh, so this is like a secret relationship. What is he afraid of?" I asked myself that question all night but because I don''t know his story, I cannot understand. He might have homophobic parents, or friends. It seems like he is fighting a lot of demons. To understand I need a clearer view of his life but right now we are still strangers that just kissed.


    "We are not in a relationship," I correct Jack.


    "But you want to be in one with him?"


    I shrug "I don''t know. I just know that I had such an intense attraction towards him and I want to explore every bit of this completely."


    Jack smiles at me teasingly. This is a first for me, so he has every right to be this hyper over this. "Reply him dude. He is sad."


    I look at my phone "You are the one that is good with words. Tell me what to say."


    "Tell him, last night was amazing."


    I frown "That doesn''t seem like something I would say. It is too cringy." I don''t want to seem lame. That''s a lame reply.


    "You want to be your jerky self with him?"


    I nod.


    I don''t want to pretend to be someone I am not. This is who I am and I want him to see that; if he likes me the way I am, then great but if he doesn''t, that would be a bummer.


    "Okay, since you want to be Stick in the mud Lance. Tell him, New phone, who this?"


    I furrow my brows "What does that even mean?" today seems like a bad day for Jack.


    He is not making any sense. He laughs obviously enjoying this a lot. Glaring I bellow


    "Seriously, you are of no help."


    I tap the screen of my phone and finally reply him.


    Lance: I''m here. How are you?


    Jack huffs "Such a lame reply. You are so new to this." he is looking at my phone and we are both waiting for a reply. I see the 3 dots appear and my heart pauses its breathing as I wait for his reply. The dots disappear and I am still holding my breath, waiting.


    "He went offline." I cry.


    "Uh oh. Maybe he is busy."


    My phone starts to ring and a smile creeps up to my face as his name pops up. He is calling me. I am so excited from just a phone call. This is new for me and very scary.


    I look at jack and he is waiting for me to answer the call. This is none of his business


    "Dude, can you go home?"


    He shakes his head and lies down on the bed. "Now" I glare at him. He grabs his phone like he can''t hear me "You''re so annoying." I sigh in defeat. He doesn''t want to leave, considering I didn''t even do all this with his own girl, so why is he all up in my business.


    "Hello." I answer the call.


    I can hear breathing at the other end of the line but he doesn''t say anything. I remain quiet too. After a couple of seconds, he speaks "I thought you gave me a wrong number." his voice is as deep as that night. It is like music to my ears, so soothing.


    My heart thuds in my chest "Why would I?" Jack giggles and I roll my eyes and slap his leg.


    "You didn''t answer any of my messages."


    "I''m sorry. I''ve been busy." I lie.


    He laughs "You read them all though."


    Guilty as charged, my cheeks redden from the guilt trip he is sending me to. "You didn''t know what to say?" he asks but it sounds rhetorical.


    "This is weird."


    "Totally" he agrees. I remain quiet, he adds "I thought about you all night. Seeing you at that party was an escape I needed and then you went into my room. I knew I could use that as my opportunity."


    His room?


    We were in his room. So that means he had a shower in his room and wore HIS clothes.


    "Your room?" I have to ask.


    He laughs "Thought you''d figure it out. I had pictures all over the walls. You probably weren''t paying attention." he releases a breath and adds "You heard the part about me thinking about you?"


    He is hammering on that, he wants approval "I thought about you too."


    "Did you?"


    I nod even though he can''t see me. Jack is watching me and his expression is annoying. Almost like this is fun for him to watch. I turn away from him and he laughs so loud.


    "How are you?" I change the topic, still not used to flirting.


    "I''m great."


    "Do you want to see me again?" he asks. His voice sounds hopeful, he is nervous. I like that I make him nervous.


    "Do you? I ask him back.


    He laughs nervously "Yes I do."


    "When?"


    "Now?" this is a question. He wants to see me now. What do I say to this? If I remember correctly, he doesn''t want to be out in the open. So how will this work.


    "Is that possible?"


    "Yes, if you come over. There''s no one home. It''ll just be us. Like last night." he is waiting for my response. I don''t know what to say, is it too soon to see him again.


    Being with him feels great and I need to explore my sexuality. I need to know if this is real.


    I already know what I am going to say.


    I have it bad.

 Chapter 5 - The Drop Off

    Lance.


    I knew I was going to agree to this meeting because seeing him again has been all I could think about since yesterday. Today is Saturday, I have the freedom to go wherever I want to as long as it is not a school night.


    Jack has been the ginger that I needed to go see him. He even offered to drop me off, considering I don''t have a car. I have been contemplating because meeting him today might be different from the night of the party. I know I should just say fuck it and throw all caution to the wind. This could be the greatest love story of my life.


    "Get dressed mister" Jack throws a pair of jeans at me. I have been overthinking for the past hour. He said I could come any time from now. His dad wasn''t coming back from a business trip for a week. He has the house to himself and he wants to spend some time with me.


    "You seem a lot more eager than I am."


    He laughs while rummaging through my clothes. Jack is a lot more stylish than me; as long as I have a good pair of jeans, I consider my outfit good enough. I don''t have time for shopping and all that stuff. Until recently my mother used to buy my clothes for me.


    "I am, you are going to meet him again and maybe do some other stuff." he winks and throws a shirt to me "Come on, it''s getting late." he walks out of my room, probably to go get his keys. I look at the clothes in my grasp and release a loud sigh.


    My phone beeps and I see another message from him.


    Boxers thief: I can''t wait to see you.


    My heart skips a beat in my chest at his message. He actually wants to see me. He is as eager as I am. This all seems very crazy, like how did I turn gay in one day. Just yesterday, my biggest worry was meeting my mother''s new boyfriend and now I have someone I like and he likes me back.


    Holy shit.


    Jack gets back to my room once I am fully dressed and he smirks "Someone''s gonna get some good D tonight," he dances in a seductive manner and I roll my eyes at his stupidity.


    "No one is getting anything." we leave the house and get into his car. Jack puts on the radio and Tory Lanez, The take song comes on. He looks at me and he raises a brow "Ooooh...this song is so relatable to you right now," he laughs like his joke is funny.


    No one is putting anyone in 7 positions. I press the off button and he laughs even harder. The ride to his house takes a while, and all through the journey, jack makes silly jokes. All I can think about is the fact that I am going to see him again. I don''t know how relationships work because this is the first time I even have an interest in anyone.


    Jack parks the car in the front of his house and my heart skips a beat "Okay, you look hella nervous right now," he points out.


    "I am," I tell him honestly.


    He turns off the car and touches my shoulder comfortingly. "Be yourself. He will like you, trust me."


    His words make me feel better. If jack thinks I am good enough then I believe him. He is the most honest person I know, so he wouldn''t lie to me "I got this." I breathe out as the excitement kicks in again.


    I get down from the car and look at the house a lot more closely. Under the night sky, the house looks even grander. There is a fountain in the middle of the walkway, with naked women spitting out water. There are gardens full of roses. The walls around the house are beige. This house looks like it took a while to design. How rich is he and why is he even interested in me?


    i walk to the front door and Jack shouts through the winder "Call me when you''re done. I''ll be at shake shack." shake shack is a fast food joint close by. The fact that he will wait for me makes me love him more. You see why I keep him by my side. No one is as good to me as he is.


    I ring the doorbell and his face comes to view in less than a second. The smile on his face lets me know that he has been waiting for me. I look at him and I forget how handsome he is. His eyes draw me in and I have to take a long breath to calm my nerves. Being gay is new and I fucking love the reaction dancing around my body from just looking at this very handsome boy. He is dressed in grey sweatpants and a black plain tee. His feet are bare. No shoes, or socks. I keep forgetting this is his house.


    "Hey," he smiles and his voice mesmerizes me.


    It is so captivating.


    "Hi."


    His hand is holding unto the door, which makes his block the view of the house. This is the part where he lets me in but he is just staring at me. I am staring too; I want to be in his arms. I want to experience kissing him again. It has just been a day but it feels like forever.


    I miss him.


    Is it even possible to miss someone that is so close to you?


    We stay like that for a while, unable to speak. I know my reasons¡ªhe is so beautiful. How can one person be this beautiful? Is it even possible?


    "I am glad you came." he finally speaks up and opens the door to grant me entrance. I walk into the house and unlike last night it is empty and clean. No signs that there was a rager here. Someone must have helped him make this place squeaky.


    "Do you want something to drink." he walks to the direction of the kitchen. I follow him because I don''t know what to do. Do I sit and wait for him? I look around, the furniture is so modern. Everything in the house is white, from the walls to the chairs, to the tables. It is so boujee.


    He opens the fridge and I watch him as he rummages through the things inside "What''s your poison. Soda, beer, water?" he looks at me with a bottle of water in one hand and a bottle of coke in the other. I smile because he looks so nervous and it is the cutest thing I have ever seen. Fuck, guys we are at the point where looking at this very manly man is cute.


    Shit.


    "Water''s fine." I put him out of his misery and walk closer to him. I grab the bottle from him and our hands'' touch. Electricity hits me from that measly touch and I have to retract my hand so fast that the bottle falls on the floor. he bends down and picks it up immediately, his cheeks red.


    "Here you go," I grab the bottle this time, not touching him.


    I open the bottle and take a sip; this is just water but I am so nervous. I don''t know what I am doing, it seems like he doesn''t either. Why did he even ask to see me? What does he want from me?


    He coughs nervously and I watch him as he scratches the back of his neck, his shirt rises and I see a little bit of skin. The muscles around his waist tense up and my heart races in my chest. The attraction I have for this man is unbelievable. I want to take off his clothes right here and devour him. I take deep breaths and drink the water to calm me down. He is still watching me and I don''t know who makes the first move. All I know is we are in each other''s arms in a split second and we are kissing hungrily.


    He pushes me till I hit my back against the wall. It hurts but I am more focused on the pleasurable feelings from his touch. Grabbing my waist in his grip, he deepens the kiss. I taste the alcohol in his mouth, mixed with vanilla flavour. He seems to have had something to drink. I am so lost in the kiss as he reaches for the hem of my shirt. He pulls it over my head and I let him. We are still making out heavily with my back pressed against the wall. He grinds into me and I let him, desperate for more.


    I don''t know how this works.


    Being gay.


    I have never had sex before. so, whatever we do will be my first time. I am more than willing to let him do anything. That is how bad I want him. I want all of him. And I want to give him all of me.


    I pull his shirt off too and feel the dentation of his abs with a touch. He moans into my mouth as he grinds into me. We are in the middle of his kitchen and if anyone walks in right now, we would be the first thing they see. "Are you sure we are alone?" I ask him in between kisses. He slips his hands into my pants and cups my ass in his palm and I shiver from how cold his fingers are "yes we are."


    He pulls away from my kiss and kisses the crook of my neck. His lips are wet; everything is happening at once and I love every bit of it. I want him so much.


    "Do you want to take this to my room?" he asks with a hopeful expression.


    I nod my head immediately because I would prefer more privacy with him. So, this is happening.


    I am going to have sex with a man.


    I am not even scared.

 Chapter 6 - First Time

    Lance.


    Sex isn''t as easy as everyone makes it out to be. In fact, now that I think about it is the most disgusting act ever but it can also be beautiful. Think about it, you both sweat all over each other, there are fluids mixing and blending together. If you visualize it, it could be gross.


    But right now, in the heat of the moment, it is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. I have never been intimate with anyone before, but at this moment, I feel one with him.


    I open my eyes for the first time since we got on his bed. He is above me and there is a lust-filled expression in his eyes. Sweat drops onto my chest but I am not focused on that. After taking off our clothes, we got to the bed. I don''t know what to do next, he seems to though.


    "You are so beautiful," his breath is heavy.


    I smile because I am so fucking nervous right now. I don''t know what to say. I don''t want to say the wrong thing right now; I want this to be perfect.


    "Are you sure about this?" he is still watching me with a dazed expression. I nod hurriedly because that is the only thing, I can do to assure him that I want this as much as he does. He is being gentle with me; he is treating me like a girl. He grinds into me as seat drops to my chest. I am not grossed out; in fact, I am very excited.


    You might think this is wrong, having sex on the first date. Fuck, is this even a date? I really don''t know but I don''t think this is a typical relationship. We met and there is a deep connection between us. I have never felt the way I do about him. This is special to me; it is not just sex.


    "Is this your first time?" I release heavy breaths.


    "With a guy?" he asks.


    I nod.


    "No." he answers and continues kissing me.


    Jealousy seeps through because suddenly it is not the same with us. He has done this before. He is not a newbie like me. He stops kissing me as I stiffen against him. He can tell something is wrong. He pulls away from me to get a closer look at me "Are you okay?"


    I sigh as him being apart from me makes me feel empty. I need his touch again; I want him close to me "I''m fine."


    He smiles and brushes a strand of hair off my face "Something''s wrong. Did I do anything to upset you?"


    This man is the most thoughtful person I have ever met. He is worried about me; he isn''t just thinking with his dick. The worries in me suddenly evaporate because I know this is not just a wham bam thank you mam situation. He genuinely likes me; he feels the same.


    "I just thought you''ve never done this before too."


    He nods "This is my first time sober." he explains immediately. I watch him as he shifts even further from me and sits up on the bed. He is wearing only boxers and I stare at his beauty lustfully.


    I need more than just that from him.


    "You said you weren''t gay." I remind him.


    He nods "To everyone, I have to be straight, I can''t be this flawed person that I am with you right now."


    Shit, he thinks he is flawed. What do I even say to that? This man is anything but flawed. He is fucking perfect and somehow the people in his life have made him so scared to be the person he really is.


    "You are perfect."


    He laughs and I watch him run his hands through his hair. He seems to do that a lot around me "Tell that to my father."


    "Where is he? Let me slap some sense into his head."


    He laughs even harder and I smile, joyful that he laughing because of me. My heart beats erratically in my chest as I watch the smile remain on his face. I don''t get the full details of his gay drunken sex because he doesn''t tell me anymore.


    I don''t want to pressure him to talk about it, but I do want to be close to him. I move until I am close to him and he watches me still smiling "This is my first time with anyone," I tell him honestly.


    He remains still almost like he is waiting for me to make all the moves. He is unsure about all this and I know it has something to do with the fact that we were getting personal.


    "But I want to do this with you. I have never been surer about anything in my life," this is my assurance to him. I am letting him know that I consent. I reach for his hands and grab them in mine, he is shaking nervous from my touch. I feel the same way but also courageous. "I am going to kiss you again and we can start again."


    He nods as I press my lips against him in an all-encompassing kiss. The sweet taste that is him takes over as I delve deeper into the kiss. He moans into my mouth and that sound makes me go crazy. i push him against the bed and suddenly I am on top. I don''t know how all this works because it is new territory but I have an inkling.


    We kiss hungrily and I pull his boxers off hurriedly. He helps me with the rest of my clothes and the moment we are naked; skin to skin against each other. I get more excited. I feel him against me¡ªhard and ready to take this further. I don''t want to rush this; I want this moment to last forever. I want to remember this as long as my two lungs are still working.


    I grab his member in my grip and he moans out and I stroke him slowly, watching the blissful expression on his face "Fuck." he whimpers against me "More," he pleads desperately for a release.


    I smile proudly that I am getting this reaction from him. I feel his hand on my member and there is a gleam in his eyes. "I want to watch you quiver against me too"


    His hand moves at the same pace as mine and my eyes roll to the back of my head from the immense pleasure I am feeling. We moan and move together, but too into our pleasure. We don''t stop until we get the release we crave desperately at the same time. We splatter all over each other and he chuckles as I lie flat on my back next to him.


    "Wow" he breathes out.


    I look at him and he is smiling "That felt so good." I nod in agreement. "Hold on." he stands up from the bed and I watch him go into the bathroom. He comes out with a towel and a bowl with water. He climbs the bed and I watch him clean all the mess we made. He slides the towel on my body and the warmth from the water soothes me. "I''m gonna have to change my sheets" he points out.


    I nod and he laughs.


    I hear my stomach grumble and he hears it "you hungry?"


    I shrug "I didn''t know I was."


    He laughs "We should have a shower together and then I will make you the only meal I know how to."


    I sit up on the bed as he stands up with the bowl in his grip. "What''s that?" I ask curious because I cannot cook to save my life. Every time I think I know this guy in front of me he finds a way to surprise me.


    "You will have to see it. Don''t worry you will help me in the kitchen." I follow him to his bathroom and the shower calls me. You have to understand that the bathroom in my house is small with a tiny showerhead. The one in this bathroom is grand.


    Having a shower in here must feel like heaven.


    We are still naked, so as he leads me, my heart beats heavily "Come on." he pulls me closer until we get into the shower. He turns the knob and the water comes out cold "Shit," I jolt away from it and he laughs at me.


    "Not funny, I have cold water."


    He is still under the water "This is a piece of cake. My coach has us sit in a tub of ice water ever week."


    "coach?" I ask because he is giving me another piece of his life.


    He nods "Basketball coach, come on. The waters hot now." he pulls me until I am close to him again. Our bodies are touching. He wraps his arms around my waist and I rest in the crook of his neck as water slides down our bodies "Why am I so crazy about you?" he breathes into my ear.


    I look up at him because he is almost a foot taller than me. I don''t have an answer to his question. I am crazy about him too. This feels too normal to even be scared to explore it.


    He grabs the body wash from a rack and I watch as he lathers it against me. He helps me with my hair and I help him with his. Everything is perfect and as we get out of the shower; I think about how happy I am in this moment with this man.


    Fuck, I have it bad and I don''t even know his name.

 Chapter 7 - Cheesy Fries

    Lance


    "What''s your name?"


    We are in the kitchen fully dressed now. We didn''t have sex, we only jerked each other off but it felt wholesome and complete. I am not even thinking about sex with him right now, just getting the opportunity to spend more time with him is satisfying.


    He opens the fridge and brings out a pack of processed fries. "I am boxers'' thief," he reminds me of the name.


    I roll my eyes because he knows what I mean "Your real name."


    He chuckles "I thought we were okay with the mystery. Doesn''t it make this even more exciting?"


    I frown "I want to know your name."


    "Fuck," he runs his hands through his hair "Are you gonna take no for an answer?" he is hopeful as he asks.


    I shake my head because I think we are past this mystery. I want to get to know this guy and the first thing he should''ve told me was his name. "Can you help with the meat?" he slides a bowl with shredded meat inside. I look at the raw meat in disgust.


    Laughing he moves closer and stands behind me "You want me to touch this?" it is bloody and kinda gross.


    He nods "Just help me spice it up," he gives me some tiny containers of different kinds of spices. There is black pepper, curry, thyme and coriander. I don''t have the faintest clue what he wants me to do. I can''t cook.


    "I really don''t know what you want me to do," I inform him with an exasperated sigh.


    "Okay, I''m going to have to show you how to do this because once you give it a try you will beg for more. You''re going to have to make it yourself when I am not with you."


    I raise a brow as he collects the meat from me and starts to marinate the spices into. How does he even know the quantity to put in the bowl? "So, what is this special recipe you''re making?" I lean against the counter watching him in amazement.


    "Cheesy fries."


    "So basically, fries with cheese?"


    He nods while putting the minced meat into a pan with butter. He stares the meat until it cooks and I watch him curiously. After the meat is cooked, he puts it in a clean plate. He fries the potatoes in hot oil "Do you cook everything you eat?"


    He shakes his head "We have a chef. So I never come into the kitchen. Whenever my dad''s not around, which is a lot. I send Phillip home." Phillip must be the chef.


    "Are you sure you didn''t just want to be alone with me?" I walk over to him and he smiles, welcoming me into his arms. It is uncanny how comfortable we are around each other. This is someone I just met yesterday and It feels like I have known him all my life. I wrap my arms around his waist from behind and he turns his face till his lips are so close to mine.


    The oil is making frying sounds as we kiss, but all I can focus on is the beating of his heart. He pushes his tongue into my mouth and I welcome him. We continue kissing in the middle of his kitchen and it is the best feeling ever. We don''t take it further than that and when we pull apart, he looks into my eyes with so much intensity that I want to cry from all the emotions I am experiencing.


    It takes a moment for him to regain his stance "Thank you for going into my room last night."


    I furrow my brows and he places a soft peck to my right cheek "Thank you for making that first move, God knows I wouldn''t have had the courage." he is still watching me.


    Making my heart race.


    After a second, he turns back to the fire and focuses on the food. I let go of him and walk back to my previous position. We remain quiet for the rest of the time and once the meal is cooked, he leads me to the dining table. He sets our plates and sits down staring at the delight he prepared.


    The hunger in me intensifies from the beauty of the plate in front of me. He made this to perfection; almost like he intended to please me. "Try it." he urges.


    I grab the fork filled with fries covered in meat and cheese and put it in my mouth. My taste buds awaken from how delicious it is, with eyes wide I exclaim "Jesus, it is amazing," I chew the food slowly to savour the taste.


    He smiles satisfied and takes a fork too.


    My phone rings and I look at the ID. It is Jack, shit I forgot about Jack. I am not ready to leave yet. I need to spend more time with him. "I have to get this," I explain even though he didn''t ask. He nods in approval and I stand up and walk to a corner in the room "Hey"


    "You done?" he chirps into the phone.


    "Not yet."


    He sighs "Dude, it''s been two hours already. I am tired of waiting. I''ve spent all the cash on me on wings. I can''t eat anymore," he complains and I feel guilty all of a sudden.


    "Shit, I don''t want to leave yet. We are having a good time."


    "Did you fuck him yet?" he is being vulgar but that is just how Jack is. He is a very rotten human being.


    I smile because I am pretty sure if anyone was getting fucked, it would be me. I shake my head in an attempt to get the thought out of my head. "No one is getting fucked" I turn around and he is watching me with a smirk on his face. He can totally hear me right now.


    I walk till I am standing in front of a window; I grab the curtains "I thought you went there to get dicked up?" he shouts into my ear.


    "That''s not why I came. Just go home. I will uber back," I dismiss him because he is taking part of my time by having this discussion.


    "That''s a lot of money,"


    "I know, I got a raise in my allowance. Luckily, don''t worry about me. I''ll be fine." I assure him. I guess I won''t be able to get the game I have been saving up for.


    Shit.


    His voice is hesitant "Are you sure?"


    I nod "Yeah, thanks for bringing me."


    I end the call and walk back to the table "Is there a problem?" he asks me still smirking. I want to wipe that smirk off his face.


    "No, my friend dropped me off. I told him to go, I''ll just uber back home" I tell him being an open book with him.


    He smiles "I can drop you off."


    I wave my hands in dismissal "It''s fine. I''ll call a car. It''s not a hassle." I try to get him out of it. Taking me home means I get to spend more time with him but I don''t want to impose. It is quite a drive and he''ll be tired.


    "I don''t mind, honestly." he reaches for me.


    I look at our hands entwined and it would be the perfect wallpaper for my phone; I wish I could take a picture, make this moment last forever. His hands are covered in veins. He has impossibly enormous hands, compared to mine. His handshakes could definitely snap my wrist in two If he wanted to; considering I have weak bones.


    "I am like an hour away with traffic."


    "I don''t mind babe."


    Babe?


    Wow.


    No one has ever called me babe before. It feels so good hearing that from him. Suddenly I can''t fight him on this. He has won this battle, that I didn''t even know I was fighting.


    We continue our food with small talk and the night suddenly became perfect.

 Chapter 8 - Im Gay

    Lance.


    "We are doing this again," he demands once the car is stopped in front of my apartment building. The ride was amazing, we listened to his playlist and I now know that he likes alternative pop. His taste in music is weird but somehow it soothes him so well.


    "You still want to?" I ask because I don''t really know where I stand with him. He doesn''t look like he is going to accept himself anytime soon and I don''t know how long I can be a secret for. He still didn''t tell me his name and it is eating me up. I don''t want to be kept away from his life because I really like him.


    "Yes, I do."


    I look out the window and droplets of water pour to the concrete ground. It is about to rain "We will talk every day. You''ll tell me about your day. Whatever you eat, your life, your friends." he reaches for my hand and I let him take it in his grasp. His touch is electrifying and it is almost like my body isn''t expecting otherwise anymore. He wants to do all that with me but he doesn''t want to tell me who he is.


    "Are you having doubts?" he asks and it is so random because I have never been so sure about anything in my life. I should be asking him instead "No, just deep in thoughts."


    He nods, the seat-belt sound of his Honda makes an irritating beeping sound. Somehow this is my cue to bid him farewell. I let go of his hand and reach for the door knob. "Text me when you''re home." I tell him.


    He nods as I get down from the car. I don''t look back as I head into the building. "Wait," I turn around from the sound of his voice and he is out of his car and running towards me. He doesn''t stop until he gets in front of me. The rain droplets increase suddenly but I don''t try to run to shelter. He smiles as water dampens his hair and clothes "Ford."


    I furrow my brows in confusion.


    "My name is Ford."


    My heart freezes. It is like time has stooped in this moment. It seems like a layer of him has been peeled off. A smile forms on my face in content and he waits for me "Hi, Ford." his name on my lips feels so perfect. Like I was made to just call his name. "I''m Lance."


    Somehow, his name is perfect for him.


    "Thought you wanted the mystery,"


    He laughs and runs his hands through his hair "I want you more."


    With a thud my heart dances around the confinement of my chest. He leans forward and kisses me in front of my building with the rain pouring and it feels straight out of a romance movie.


    **********************


    I walk into the building all wet and dazed. I still can''t get over Ford. Shit, it feels nice now that I know his name. I don''t bother going into my apartment. I reach the fourth floor and knock on the door calmly. My mind is so deep in the thoughts that are the man of my dream.


    I didn''t think this thing between us was going to be anything more than a fling but as I spend more time with him, I want him even more. I am so infatuated by him. Jack opens the door and a smile is on his face "The man of the hour," he taps my shoulder playfully as he pulls me into his apartment.


    "Where''s your dad? I question.


    Jacks father is the definition of a dead beat. He is an alcoholic that doesn''t give a shit about his son. I would be surprised if Jack even knew where he was. He is rarely at home and when he comes home, he causes a ruckus.


    "Like I give a shit." I was expecting that response because jack doesn''t care about him either. After years of negligence, he has accepted their relationship.


    We walk into his room and he jumps on his bed with eyes glued to me. He wants the gist. "Come on." he pipes up.


    I manage a slight chuckle.


    "How was the date?"


    I shake my head "It wasn''t a date."


    Rolling his eyes "We know that''s exactly what it was, but spill. Was it everything you expected?"


    I think back to the day and yes, it was: until the moment he bid me goodbye. I look at jack and he is watching me "Yes it was. His name is Ford by the way." I keep wanting to say his name.


    "So, are you sure now?"


    I furrow my brows. "Sure, about what?"


    He smiles "That you like dudes."


    That is a good question. I have never had any romantic relationship with a girl, so I don''t know if I am fully gay. I just know that I like him. I like him so much that I am ready to risk everything to be with him.


    Coming out doesn''t seem scary anymore.


    "I don''t know."


    He sighs "What happened tonight. Did he kiss you, did you guys...?" I glare at him and he stops mid-sentence, raising his hands up in surrender "Come on, you know what I mean." He isn''t even slightly uncomfortable talking about this with me. Jack just found out about my sexuality and he has taken it like a normal thing. I am blessed to have someone so accepting in my life but it is all too overwhelming.


    "I am attracted to him. So much, but I don''t know if I am also attracted to girls. I have never been with one."


    "What if you just weren''t attracted to girls, that''s why you never had a girlfriend." he reasons.


    I shrug "Well, I have my whole life to figure that out but I know that I am happy in this place I am in."


    He grins "My man, I am so excited for you." he slaps my shoulder again. I leave his apartment after an hour of talking. We talk about the whole night, he tells me about his girl. Even though nothing serious has started with them. We talk about how, it would be easy to see Ford during school hours, since our schools are next to each other. I don''t know if he would even want to be seen with me in public. I don''t want to suggest it to him. I am terrified of the rejection of it.


    I go back to my apartment and my mother is seated on the couch probably binging Love Island on Netflix. Its already pretty late and I am surprised to see her so up and energetic. I close the doors with the locks and head over to the kitchen "Hello my so very rude son."


    I roll my eyes and open the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water. I walk over to the couch and sit down next to her. Drinking the water, I look to the screen, totally not interested in what she is watching "Where have you been?" she takes a handful of popcorn into her mouth. Her hair is in a messy bun and she is dressed in shorts and a tank top.


    "I went out."


    Rolling her eyes "I know that but where did you go?" her sudden curiosity in my life activities is alarming.


    "When have I ever told you where I go to?"


    "Is it such a big deal for a mother to ask her son where he has been all day? Why do you always have to have an attitude?"


    I smile and reach for the popcorn; she is watching me. Waiting for me to open up to her. I''ve been thinking about it for a while now. Wondering how I can even tell her. It''s really hard to just say it, let her know that I am not the person she thinks I am.


    "I went to see a friend."


    "Who? Jack is your only friend." she points out the obvious? I roll my eyes because I feel attacked by her statement.


    "What would you do if you find out that I am not who you think I am?" my voice is calm. There is no sarcasm etched to my words. I look at her for any form of suspicion.


    "Do I really even know who you are right now?" she asks.


    "I am your son. You have to know me to some extent."


    She nods "You are the most mysterious person I know Lance. The only things I know about you are the things you tell me. When was the last time you told me anything about your life?"


    She is venting. I have a relationship with this woman that no one else would understand. I might act like the biggest jerk on earth to her but i love her more than anything in the world. She has been there for me through my whole life and I don''t see myself without her in my life. I might withdraw from her at time but I am a teenager, in my rebellious phase.


    I''d like to think it is understandable.


    "I met someone mom."


    A smile spreads to her face and she is already excited even though she doesn''t even know what I am about to say. I am not even thinking at this moment. Maybe it''s the excitement from all that happened today that''s making this a lot easier.


    "Who is she. You know this is the first time you are telling me about a girl. Why am I so excited?" she rambles.


    I run my hands through my hair, taking deep breaths "Calm down woman. You don''t even know what this is about."


    "Okay." she takes a deep breath still smiling. She is anxious about this and suddenly I am terrified to come out.


    "I met someone," I star with that again. I know the suspense is probably driving her insane. I should just get to the point "Promise me you wont freak out," I plead.


    She rolls her eyes "Everything you do makes me freak out, just get to the point,"


    "Okay" I take a deep breath and as those two words leave my lips, it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest.


    "I''m gay."

 Chapter 9 - Reaction

    Lance.


    I look at her and she does the same. Her expression is blank, I can''t read her right now, and she has the most readable face. I take a deep breath because this is the moment of truth. She either accepts me or not.


    "Mom."


    Her eyes become moist but she remains quiet.


    "Say something," I plead desperately.


    Slowly a smile creeps up to her face and that scares me. I don''t know what she is thinking. Is she okay with this, does she accept me? Mom is the only family I have left and her opinion is actually very important to me. She means the world to me and it would be heartbreaking if she doesn''t actually accept me.


    "Thank you for telling me this," she leans forwards until I am in her arms. I release the breath I have been holding ever since I said those words. There is relief in the pit of my stomach because even though she hasn''t said it, I know she doesn''t hate me. I know she will be okay with my newfound sexuality.


    I stay in her arms and it reminds me of when I was a little boy. Mom was my best friends. I would always stick to her side 24/7. Growing up I tried to be independent and withdrew a bit from her but I am glad to call her my mother.


    "You are the reason why I live; you are my world. Thank you for sharing a part of you with me today," she pulls back from the hug and there are tears in her eyes.


    "Thank you, mom,"


    She smiles "So who is this boy?" there is a gleam in her eyes and suddenly everything seems right with the world.


    **************


    "She didn''t freak out?" Jack asks as we walk down the halls of our high school. People pass by us and some rudely hit us to scurry along. I shake my head because remembering her reaction makes me feel like I take on this new me with ease.


    "She cried though,"


    He furrows his brow "Men, ya''ll were in some drama shit," he chuckles at his own joke. Yes, last night was a stepping stone for me because I got the most important person to accept me. It means a lot to me that I don''t have to worry about anything but being happy. I want to be with Ford, I want him to accept himself the way I have but I know it is going to be hard.


    We texted all night, somehow the fact that I know his name feels like I know all of him. He opened a door to his heart yesterday and I am excited to explore every nook and cranny.


    "When next are you gonna see your boo?" he asks as we stop in front of our lockers. I open mine and grab a notebook for my next class. He is waiting for a response and I realize I don''t have an answer to that, it''s just been a day and we haven''t really talked about meeting. He wants to see me again but I don''t know when.


    "I don''t know, we didn''t talk about it."


    "Don''t you want to see him again," he asks.


    I nod "Should I text him? I don''t want to seem clingy."


    He laughs "He asked to see you the last time, you should initiate this time. You''re both dudes, so this is different and besides, it doesn''t have to be the guy all the time,"


    He has a point but I don''t want to overthink this. I just want to go with the flow and texting to ask to see him seems desperate. "Text him dude," he is peering over at me, waiting for me to listen to him.


    I am not sure I want to listen to his advice.


    "Come on," he urges.


    I release a sigh and grab my phone from my locker, he watches me with a gleam in his eyes as I open our chat on IM. His last message from last night comes into view and a blush creeps up to my face. Jack chuckles obviously reading a private moment. Sometimes I wish he''d have some boundaries but it''s not like I even stop him from being so nosy.


    "You guys are so lame," he continues giggling like some fangirl.


    "Fuck off," I push him away and he laughs even harder.


    I type fast and shoot him a quick hello. The message delivers and as we wait for a reply jack groans "This is gonna take forever, we will be late for class," he hits my shoulder gently and closes his locker "Come on, we gotta go."


    I follow him to my next class hoping for a quick reply. I miss him and I want to see him again. During biology, I hear the beep of my phone and a smile pops up to my face. I know it''s him instantly, I have been waiting for his message for the whole day.


    I hide my phone under the table to see his reply.


    *Hey Mister*


    The stupid smile on my face is almost irritating to me even though I can''t see it. I am just happy to hear from him. I don''t care about anything but him at this moment. Jack peers into my phone "He replied?"


    I nod.


    Mr Rogers glares at us and I drop my phone so as not to get caught. Jack chuckles because somehow this is funny to him. I roll my eyes and focus on the lesson ahead but my mind is so far from learning about the human digestive system. All I want to do is reply to Ford and hear his voice and see him. Fuck, I am so hooked on this boy, this is not a good thing.


    The bell rings and I jump off the stool and run out of the class so fast that I stumble and hit Mr Rogers. My phone drops to the floor and I groan praying it is not broken "Where is the rush Lance?" he questions.


    I pick up my phone and luckily the screen is intact "I am so sorry, have to go to the bathroom," I lie. He lets it slide and I run out of the classroom. I open my messaging app and there are numerous messages from him.


    *Sorry I replied late, had basketball practice*


    *I miss you too*


    *Guess now you''re the busy one*


    The last message comes twenty minutes after the first two. There is a smile on my face as Jack creeps up behind me. He reads the messages on my phone and his smile widens "You guys are fucking cringy," he exclaims with a barf expression on his face.


    "Should I tell him I miss him too?"


    "You miss who?" Eren, a mutual friend walks up to us and asks. His hair is a bright purple today. The last time I saw him, he had red hair. He seems to be in his exploration phase. He always has a new look on him. Eren is a friend that we sometimes hang around with. He is the only other person I can tolerate. He squints his blue eyes and the dimple on his cheek deepens. He Is dressed in a pink plaid shirt and black jeans.


    "None of your business," I tell him as I take my phone away from their view. Jack laughs and I hit him on his chest playfully.


    Eren never gets upset when I am rude, he is used to my attitude. In fact, me being rude to him is how we even became friends. We walk down the hallway until we get to the cafeteria. Everyone is already seated and eating. The lines are not as long as they would''ve been if we had come five minutes earlier.


    We grab trays and get on the line to get our food "Are we telling Eren about your lover?" Jack whispers in my ear. He wants to be sure that I am ready to come out of the closet. I don''t think I have any issues with letting him know, if he is not okay with it, then I don''t mind losing that friendship. Jack is the only one that I can honestly not stand to lose. He is the only friend that I want to have forever.


    "Sure," I mutter nonchalantly.


    "What are we talking about?" Eren asks as we collect our food and head on to our table. We usually rarely have any other guests at our table. Jack is popular but people tend to lie avoiding me, and funny enough I love the avoidance. In life, you don''t need to be surrounded by too many people, just the important ones; and these are my important ones.


    "Our boy here is in love," Jack slides his arm around my shoulders and the dreamy look on his e makes me roll my eyes.


    "Holy shit, you serious?"


    i know Eren never thought he''d see the day but here we are. "Yes, we are, our baby is all grown up and shit," he laughs at his own joke.


    Eren''s eyes are wide and he is waiting for details "Who picked your fancy, this is like major news. I can''t believe you suddenly got so interesting overnight," he hollers.


    Jack laughs again "You think he is interesting, wait till you hear the rest."


    "Fucking tell me already," he exclaims impatiently.


    "Our boy here plays for the other team?" he says it so calmly that it is unexpected. I look at Eren for his reaction. This is the moment, when you''re about to come out of the closet, this is the moment you dread, because you don''t know what is coming next. I don''t care if he doesn''t accept me because I accept myself but I also want him to be okay with it. I want him to be excited for me, I wish the world didn''t have to be this way. I wish there was equality in being gay.


    At first, he doesn''t understand Jack but recognition hits his face and the confused expression vanishes and a gleam takes over instead. A slow smile forms on his face as it hits him "Holy shit, Holy shit," he repeats.


    I smile with a nod because I can tell his reaction from his expression. I won''t be losing a friend today "you have to tell me everything," he comes closer to me getting too excited.


    After school, we walk out of the building to the parking lot and Jack smiles when we see the Westerville prep building. I know why he is smiling; he is thinking about Ford and how we could bump into each other. "Don''t you wanna see your boyfriend in person?" he says finally.


    I shake my head "That''s not possible."


    He furrows his brows "Why not, it could be romantic just text him and tell him you''re outside. He could come meet you."


    I shake my head "Trust me, he won''t want that,"


    I know Ford is still unsure of who is¡ªor maybe afraid to be who he is. The fact that he didn''t want to tell me his name says a lot. He wouldn''t like me barging in on his life when he is not ready to share that life with me.


    "Why not, come on just take a risk for once in your life, look for him and if he denies you then you know. You never know unless you try." he is trying to convince me. He is succeeding.


    "Are you sure it''s a good idea?"


    He nods his head. I grab my phone from my back pocket and the last message he sent comes into view and makes me smile. He said he missed me; I miss him too and I wouldn''t mind seeing him for even just a second "I am going to go," I tell Jack.


    I type into my phone *What if you could see me right now?*


    He rolls his eyes and nods "Duh, you need to see your man," he exclaims.


    I smile "I am going to do this,"


    I send him a text as I leave Jack in the parking lot and walk over to the gates of his school. The message delivers as I walk into the building, this is the first time I''ve ever entered his school, there are students all around and they are in their uniforms. I hold unto my phone because I don''t know where he could be, he has to reply to me for me to even find him. I look out of place here dressed in ripped jeans and a plain white t-shirt. People look at me as I pass by but no one talks to me.


    I am in the hallways of their school and as I feel the beep of my phone excitement kicks in. He replied. I look at my phone and his reply make my cheeks red.


    *I''d be the happiest boy in the world*


    I type.


    *Your wish could come true if you want*


    I hear a loud ding in the hallway as I send the message and this makes me lookup. I see him at a far corner in front of a locker room and he is looking at his phone. There is a smile on his face and my heart races at the view. He is so close to me and all the feelings in me, fight each other to come out. He hasn''t seen me yet, his browns crease obviously from my message. I like watching him, but I don''t want to be a creep.


    *Look up* I send him a text.


    The message delivers and he looks up immediately. The smile on his face evaporates and a frown settles there. He doesn''t look happy to see me. The frown is so deep, that regret kicks in. I shouldn''t have come; this was a mistake. He doesn''t reply to my message and I watch him as he puts his phone in his bag pack and turns around. A girl in a cheerleader''s uniform runs over to him and I watch her embrace him lovingly.


    My heart shatters as I realize something.


    I am nothing to him.

 Chapter 10 - Hurt

    Lance


    "What happened?" he is standing above my bed with a worried expression on his face. He doesn''t know what happened after I attempted to meet up with Ford. I ran out of his school like I was being chased by some monster. I don''t want to think about the embarrassment of staring at him with a smile and not getting a smile back from him. There is an ache in my chest that is so new and scary to me. The look on his face when he saw me will forever be etched to my face.


    "Lance, talk to me," he nudges my duvet to get my attention but I won''t give it to him because I actually don''t want to talk about this, I have no strength in me to explain what happened. The fact that Ford acted like he didn''t know me made me feel so inconsequential. It was like he was upset to see me, makes me think he will never be okay with being with me in public.


    "I am fine," I manage to speak out lies.


    I am not fine; I am pissed and sad at the same. I want to hate him, I want to hate him so bad but all I can think about is how beautiful he looked with his uniform. I hate that I don''t hate him.


    Fuck.


    I sit up on the bed and jack watches me, patiently waiting for me to talk to him. I haven''t checked my phone to see if I have any messages from him because I don''t want to be disappointed. I don''t want to see anything that will hurt me more than I already am.


    "What happened?" Jack sits down on the edge of my bed.


    I sigh running my hands through my hair "He doesn''t want to be seen with me in public. I knew that already but somehow I let you convince me and now I know for sure," I tell him gloomily.


    "Wow, that sucks," he huffs.


    "This is all your fault," I accuse him.


    He places his hand on his chest "How is this on me? I was only trying to be a push to your happiness."


    I roll my eyes and he lays down next to me. My bed is small, so he has to squeeze close to me. "You know, he is a fucking douchebag," he is being a best friend. Taking my side. I know that Ford wasn''t ready to be anything with me, I could tell from the moment I met him but a simple acknowledgement would have been okay. He didn''t have to act like he didn''t know me, I would''ve pretended to be a friend. Anything to spend time with me.


    "Has he called?"


    "I don''t know," I answer honestly.


    "Do you want to check?"


    I shrug and lay on my arm facing him, he is watching me with concern on his face "I am okay, don''t worry about me," I assure him.


    He sighs "You''re right, this is all my fault," he concludes.


    My lips tilt upwards for a smile "Yes, it is,"


    "Where''s momma dear?" he asks about mom. I shrug again because I actually don''t know where she is. It is getting pretty late and whenever she is going to be late, she always calls.


    "I should call her," I reach for my phone and see twelve notifications from him. He called me 6 times and left me 6 messages. I don''t want to talk to him right now because I am afraid of what I will say to him. I am usually a jerk when I get upset and I am beyond pissed at him. I don''t want to talk to him.


    I dial her number, she answers on the first ring "Where are you, woman?" I ask her.


    She laughs "Oh, someone is the parent now," I wait for her to answer and she continues "John got back early, we are spending the night together," she informs me and this gets another eye roll from me. I hear his voice at the other end of the line and she giggles like a schoolgirl. My mother is acting like a child. How does this even make any sense?


    "So, you''re not coming home tonight?"


    "Yeah, you''ll be fine on your own?"


    "Yes, mother."


    "Let Jack spend the night," she instructs me as if she can decide for me. Jack always spends the night. He would usually rather stay here than his own house. I can understand because of his father, so we are basically roommates all the time.


    I end the call and look at Jack, he is on his phone and seems to be deeply into whatever he is doing "Momma dear isn''t coming home tonight," I tell him.


    He looks over his phone and nods "We can have a sleepover, I''ll go get snacks," he stands up from the bed and I watch him as he grabs his keys. "Where are you really going to?"


    His cheeks redden and I know he isn''t really going to get snacks. He obviously wants to meet up with someone and I think I know who.


    "Camilla."


    "Aha, so you are ditching me in my sad times for a girl," I am guilt-tripping him. I will be fine alone; this is not the end of the world. I just want to make him feel a little bad.


    "Just an hour, I promise," he pleads.


    I sigh "Are you really going to bring snacks?"


    He nods his head incessantly "A lot and all your favourites," he bargains and I smile.


    "You''re free to go."


    He laughs and bows "As your majesty requests." he walks out of my room and I hear the front door close loudly. I lie back down and grab my phone tightly. I am tempted to reply to him, I miss him so much. I open the messages and they are all apologies.


    *I am so sorry, I freaked out when I saw you. I didn''t expect you to be so close and I panicked*


    *I didn''t know what do*


    *I am sorry COD*


    *Please talk to me*


    *Please*


    *Please Lance*


    I sit up and my heart thuds from within. I want to talk to him; I want to see him and forgive him so badly. I hear a knock on the front door and frown because I wasn''t expecting anyone, maybe Jack forgot something. I walk out of my room and open the front door "Nothing to sell here," I say at the same time.


    Jack laughs as I come into view but all my attention is on Ford who is behind him. I don''t know what is going on or why Jack brought him here but he is still as beautiful as ever and I want to just hold him tightly.


    "Look who I found outside," he points with his thumb.


    "Why are you here?" I manage.


    He finally speaks up "You weren''t answering my calls, I needed to see you." he explains with so much remorse in his voice. I want to feel bad for making him feel this way but he hurt me. He is the bad guy here, not me.


    "I didn''t want to see you."


    Jack coughs uncomfortable to be in the middle of this conversation "Okay, I will leave you two to discuss. Call me if you need anything," he takes a step back and I watch him leave. This feels like an ambush, I don''t like feeling ambushed.


    "You should leave,'' I try to close the door but he grabs the edge of the wood before I can.


    "Please, let me explain," he begs.


    "You don''t have to explain anything. I get it."


    He shakes his head "No, I have to. I didn''t mean to do that to you, you didn''t deserve it. No one deserves that," he cries.


    "Well, it happened. Nothing you can do about that."


    "I really care about you, Lance. You are the best thing that has happened to me all year, you don''t know what meeting you has done."


    I roll my eyes "Your actions say otherwise."


    "I know, I panicked. People watch my every move. There would''ve been talk around school. I didn''t know what to introduce you as, I wanted to hold you, kiss you when I saw you but I was terrified."


    "You could''ve said I was a friend,"


    He shakes his head "I don''t want to lie about our relationship. I don''t want to put you in that situation and I am not ready to say this out loud."


    My hearts races against my chest. Just saying we have a relationship is making me all excited. Is this all I have become? A desperate boy searching for a purpose. "Please give me a chance. We have something special, I can feel it," he moves closer to me and grabs both of my hands in his. I feel the electricity that comes with his touch immediately.


    "You are not ready for this."


    "I know but I just need some time, my dad is getting married soon, I''ll tell him after the wedding," he grabs my hand close to his lips and kisses all of my knuckles slowly "I missed you so much," he mumbles in between kisses.


    "I missed you too," I say falling victim to his prey. I can''t resist him, he has me at his beck and call.


    Fuck.

 Chapter 11 - Sexy Alone Time

    "Slow down," he says as I push his back against the wall. I don''t know what is happening to me but I crave more from him right now. He chuckles as I reach for his uniform in an attempt to take it off.


    "You''re still in your uniform,"


    He nods "I needed to see you, I was losing my mind," he explains and my heart swells from the pure joy that is within. He drove over to see me; I feel more special.


    I unbutton his shirt in between kisses and he melts into my touch. "Fuck, what are you doing to me?"


    "The same thing you''re doing to me," I answer him.


    Our kiss becomes more intense and as I feel the rise of his member, I get the courage that I needed. The fact that he wants me to is all that is important right now. I succeed in taking off his shirt and his hard body against mine is euphoric. I slide my fingers over his packs and he moans out blissfully "Shit, I can''t resist you," he kisses me again.


    I lead him into my room and he looks at the bed with a smirk "Can we both fit on this?" he questions with a mischievous smile.


    I blush "We should find out," I push him to the bed and he falls on it with a soft thud. I get on top of him, not fully understand where I am getting all the courage from. This is all new to me but the fact that I almost lost him scares me. I don''t want this thing between us to end¡ªwhatever it is.


    I take off my shirt and he stare at my chest hungrily; I watch him as he bites his lips seductively and I feel like the luckiest person on earth. This very very beautiful man is interested in me, this man wants me.


    How did I get so blessed?


    I unbuckle his belt and he grabs unto my waist tightly. His grip is strong and titillating. I loosen his belt "I want to get us naked, "I explain and he laughs "You look nervous," he points out.


    He is right, I am very nervous but I want him more than anything else "I am nervous, this is all new to me," I tell him honestly.


    "This is new to me too," his hands are still wrapped around my waist. His touch is still invigorating.


    "You seem a lot more experienced, with girls I mean," I remember the cheerleader friend that hugged him earlier and jealousy seeps through.


    "That''s just sex, it never meant anything,"


    I frown "We''re just having sex too."


    "That''s not what is going on here. I am not just having sex with you. You are different," he sits up on the bed with me still on him and plants a soft kiss on my lips "You make me crazy gamer boy," he deepens the kiss and I welcome him wholeheartedly. He turns the game around me and I end up flat on my back with him on top. Completely taking over, Ford takes off my shorts and boxers at the same time and I take a deep breath as his stare becomes hungrier "Is this happening?" he asks still watching me.


    I nod in a hurry because I want him all over me. He moves closer and I feel him grab my member softly. His touch is fire and I moan out of sheer pleasure. He smiles and his one dimple emerges with a loud cry. He strokes me slowly in between kisses and I whimper and cry beneath him. He is still wearing his pants and i want them off. I want him to be at the same vulnerability as I am. I reach for his pants and he doesn''t stop stroking.


    I breathe in and smell the sweet scent that emanates from him. His aftershave crawls into my senses.


    "Off," I manage in between heavy breaths. He stops his hand movement and I regret distracting him but the moment his dick is free and out in the open for me, I smile again. His member rises the more desperate for my touch. The fact that I haven''t done this before gets buried deep within as I lower myself closer to his member. He watches me completely unaware of what I am about to do. The first taste is blissful and I as I take him deeper, he moans out from the pleasure I am giving him. I continue the slow movements to understand what I am doing. I am giving another guy a blow job and it is exciting. Ford grabs the strands of my hair in his fists and controls my movement slowly. His pace becomes faster and I feel him in my throat, hot and wet. I move faster and his screams get louder in heavy grunts. I continue moving until I feel him dripping against my lips. He shudders against me and I feel it as he gets his release into my mouth.


    I swallow his fluids as he releases a loud moan against me shivering from my touch. I am still hard and I want more.


    "Do you have a condom?" I ask him as he comes back on top of me, hard and ready for more. He kisses me with a slow nod and I grind into him slowly "What else do we need?"


    He leans forward and rests his head on my shoulder, sweat drips down his forehead and drops on my chest. His after cum face is an interesting sight. His grey eyes shine under the fluorescent light above us and his breathing pattern accentuates the crinkle on his forehead, his eyes are dazed as he stares at me but he doesn''t look tired. He looks excited, like he couldn''t have enough of me "Lube, I need something to prepare you, so it doesn''t hurt."


    He looks around my room, like I''d have Lube hanging around "I don''t have lube," I inform him.


    He rests his body weight on me out of the frustration of the situation and I chuckle at how funny this is. "I would''ve brought some if I knew this was happening." he is beating himself up.


    "We could do this without Lube, could that work?"


    He shrugs "It''s going to hurt I will have to use a lot of saliva," the temptation that is him is making me lose sense of thought. I want this so much that I am willing to feel the pain before the pleasure. "I read somewhere that any oil could suffice," I suggest. He raises his brow "What do you have in mind?"


    He moves away for me to stand up and I walk out of my room and into moms'' room. I look around her dressing cabinet until I find it and walk back into my room hurriedly. I raise the bottle up in the air and he laughs "Coconut oil?"


    "It could work," I defend and he laughs even harder. This is not how I pictured this moment. It was supposed be romantic and intense. The fact that there is a lot to gay sex is bumming me the fuck out. I climb the bed and crawl over to him, he welcomes me into his arms still smiling, amused that I as so desperate to suggest coconut oil.


    "We don''t have to do this today; we could plan this. I''d get a room, light some scented candles. Make love with some Ed Sheeran music. It could be perfect," he pulls me closer to him and his lips press to mine softly. I like the sound of all that, I like the sound of making love to him. Somehow, I am not as bummed out anymore "Although someone still needs to let out some steam," he winks and grabs me tightly. A moan escapes my lips as I feel his hands on me.


    "We got this babe, we will kill at this relationship thing," he says before kissing me to my euphoric bliss.

 Chapter 12 - The Getting To Know Each Other Phase.

    Lance


    "I know you want to know about the girl I was with,"


    We are lying down next to each other on the floor since the bed was too small to fit both of us. My bed sheet is sprawled on the floor. We didn''t end up having sex but I feel even closer to him. I rest my weight on my elbow as I face him.


    "I don''t need to know," jealousy comes out from my tone. I don''t want to think about how perfect she would fit with him unlike me. I am nothing special, from my looks to attitude. Everything about me is the opposite of what he needs in a person. The fact that he has a girl all over him will forever make me jealous.


    "I want to tell you though, I know you saw her," he brushes a strand of hair from my face and I grab his hand in mine. He manages a smile and leans forward for a kiss.


    "Who is she?"


    "She is my father''s best friend and business partners daughter, her name is Lisa," he explains and the fact that there is a name to the face makes the jealousy even more intense.


    "Is she like your...." I hesitate, not wanting to say it out loud. He knows what I want to say but he waits for me to continue "Like your girlfriend?" I ask finally with a loud breath.


    He sighs "She is a friend," his answer is honest. It seems like he is hiding something from me though.


    "Have you ever fucked her?"


    He looks away from me suddenly and I have my answer, they are not just friends "Once, it was a drunken moment, I regretted it immediately I was sober," he answers still looking away from me. The fact that he seems to always be drunk raises a red flag. This also has me worried.


    "You seem to be drunk a lot,"


    He faces me again "But not with you," he says like somehow that is supposed to make it alright. I want to know why he feels the need to drink all the time. I understand that we all drink, alcohol is a normal thing for high schoolers but I don''t like that he is doing this frequently.


    "Do you have a problem with alcohol?" I raise a brow, genuinely concerned about him.


    "No."


    "It seems like you do," I deter.


    "It''s not about the alcohol. I just get so frustrated from everything and everyone. It helps me feel numb to it all."


    "You said you felt alone when we first met. Is that why you do it?"


    He shakes his head "I am scared of disappointing everyone; I am scared of being a failure."


    I grab his hands "Why do you think you will be a disappointment?" I ask him because I really want to know. Just because he is gay doesn''t mean he won''t get accepted. I want him to embrace himself.


    "My father is not the easiest person to talk to, he will never understand what i am going through. He won''t accept it, he is such a perfectionist," he has already concluded on that. He doesn''t know for sure, but he is assuming that his father would hate him. I don''t know the relationship he has with his father but from this I can tell it is not the best. On the outside, it might look like my mom and I have a sucky relationship but she would die to make sure I am happy and I appreciate her for that.


    "You never know unless you try," I slide my hand down his face in a way to comfort him through his pain and he manages a weak smile. This is hard for him and I want to be with him every step of the way.


    "Is your mom coming home tonight?"


    I shake my head "She is spending the night with her boyfriend," I avoid the word fianc¨¦ because in my heart, I wish she doesn''t get married to John. I am not ready for the change that will come with him being my stepfather. He doesn''t seem like a bad man but I don''t want my life to change right now.


    "Oohhhh, so can I spend the night?" his eyes are eager and excitement fills them completely.


    "Well Jack was supposed to spend the night," I remember that he could be back soon. He sighs and I feel bad "But I am sure i can cancel on him, he will understand." a smile forms on his lips and I am happy that i am the one that brings this smile on his face.


    I lean forward and plant a kiss on his lips and he deepens the kiss by pulling me closer and sliding his tongue into my mouth. We keep kissing, I don''t know how long; only separating to catch our breaths and when we finally fall into a slumber, I hold him in my arms and everything feels right with the world.


    *******************


    I open my eyes to the sun hitting my window. Ford is still sleeping and even in his sleep he looks fucking perfect. I watch him like a creep as his chest rises and falls. His snore is soft and very intriguing¡ªeverything about him is interesting.


    "Do you like what you see," he mumbles and I jump up so fast, embarrassed from being caught. He chuckles and opens his eyes "Good morning handsome," he sits up on the floor and plants a peck on my lips.


    "I have morning breath," I warn him as he tries to deepen the kiss.


    "I don''t care," he kisses me.


    I smile into the kiss because I could get used to this. We are so comfortable with each other, it''s perfect. "Are you hungry?" I ask him realizing I am the host here, since this is my house. He shakes his head immediately "It''s almost seven, I have to get back home."


    I nod because he is right, we slept all through the night in each other''s arms. Life doesn''t revolve around my bedroom and mom could be home anytime from now. I don''t mind her meeting Ford but I don''t think he is ready to meet my family. i know that our relationship is going to be at a slow pace and I am ready to trot with him, but at his own time.


    "Can I have a shower?" he looks at me as he picks up his uniform from the floor.


    "Yeah, sure."


    I walk out of my room and he follows me into the tiny bathroom. i share this bathroom with mom and most times she is always hogging up the space. There is a bathtub, a sink and a toilet all close together. There is barely enough space for the both of us but he doesn''t seem to mind. This is not like his extravagant bathroom.


    "You wanna join me?"


    I narrow my eyes from the shock of his words, I have seen him naked, I have sucked his dick, we''ve showered together but somehow this is still feels new to me. The shy boy in me always comes out in moments like this. "We can''t both fit in my tub,"


    He laughs and moves closer to me "I don''t mind squeezing into your arms," he winks and kisses my forehead gently.


    He takes off his boxers and I watch him climb into the tub, he is attempting to seduce me and it is working. I take off mine hurriedly. And climb in next to him, "See we fit perfectly."


    His arms wrap around my waist and this excites me much more than I would like to be. He notices and peers at me with a gleam in his eyes "Someone is excited," he exclaims joyously.


    I blush as he opens the tap and lets water pour on us. The water starts out cold and he chuckles at my reaction again. "Shit," I scream like a wuss "I can never get used to cold water," I huff as the water heats up.


    "What about when I do this?" he grabs me softly and the shivers crawl up my skin. He starts to stoke my member slowly and take a deep breath to calm down. We are literally so close to each other, there is no space in between us and I can feel the throbbing of his heart. He smiles sensuously and from the closeness of our faces, I can smell the cheery cologne that resides from yesterday, his tongue slides into mine while stroking me and I moan out "do you like when ii touch you?" he asks but doesn''t stop.


    I nod because I don''t have the words to comprehend how I am feeling right now in this moment. He smiles and licks the crook of my neck slowly. Water drips down our bodies and the steam resides on the shower curtain. This scene looks straight out of a movie. "Do you want me to stop?"


    I shake my head, completely being devoured by this boy. I don''t know if I can have my life without him. He is the new normal and I don''t want to let him go. He watches me as he pleases e with his whole being.


    I close my eyes because the pleasure is a lot. He holds unto me as my knees buckle and I give in to the pleasure. Accomplishment shoots out of him as I shoot all over his hand. "That was the appetizer to when I finally get you all to myself," he winks and I blush and cover my face completely embarrassed.


    He tilts my chin up with a warm smile "You are amazing Lance. How did I get so lucky?"


    "I''m the lucky one."


    "You have no idea what you''ve done for me. You saved me and you don''t even know it," he says as he kisses me again.


    *********

 Chapter 13 - Revelation

    Lance


    "Asshole, you ditched me last night," Jack nags.


    "I didn''t ditch you, you ditched me first," we walk side by side across the halls and he glares at me. I know he is not upset because when I texted him last night he replied with ''Get some for the both of us.''


    "How was the night, you had the whole apartment to yourselves. Tell me he popped your gay cherry,"


    I hit his shoulder and he rubs the spot dramatically "We didn''t have sex. Apparently gay sex is a lot more complicated, him coming over unprepared didn''t make things better."


    He raises a brow "What do you even need to have gay sex?"


    I know it''s just sex at the end of the day and not gay sex, but this is a lot different than I ever imagined and it is new, so it is going to take a lot of getting used to.


    I look around in case there is anyone that can hear us and whisper into his ear "Lube, a lot of it and just so you know in case you decide to ever try from the behind with your new boo, Coconut oil won''t work."


    He opens his eyes wide from the shock of my words and I laugh at the severity of his expression. Jack is used to be the vulgar one so those words coming out of my lips must be a shock to him.


    "Dude, you are not my innocent best friend anymore," he places his hand on his chest and I laugh even harder.


    The rest of the school day goes on unfulfilling and after school, we walk into his car together. Once home I see mom in the living room but everywhere is a mess. She is in a towel and her hair is wet probably from a shower. She looks up with a wide smile on her face "Thank God you''re here,"


    "What is going on here?" I furrow my brows because she looks very nervous. She is getting ready for something but I don''t know what exactly. I walk closer into the room and she scurries into her room expecting me to follow her. I drop my backpack and follow her "Mother?" I push.


    She grabs a dress from a hanger that is on the floor and raises it up for me to see "What do you think, this or the purple one I always wear?"


    "What are you getting ready for?"


    She smiles "Dinner with John, his son will be there and you''re coming," she says it so casually, almost like she has totally forgotten that I am her rebellious child and I don''t do what she tells me. I have already had my fair share of meeting John the fiance. I don''t want to see him tonight. I am in a bubble, a bubble that revolves around Ford, if I attempt to go for this dinner, I know my whole mood would change.


    "I am not going," I tell her blatantly.


    She frowns "You have no choice."


    Now, this is where she is wrong, I have a choice. I choose to stay in today and talk to Ford all night.


    "I do and I choose No," I tell her.


    She sighs "Please not today Lance, I need you to cooperate with me once in your life, just do this for mama," she pleads.


    "I met up with John the last time, I cant do it again this soon. Pity your child here," I try to convince her that meeting him again so soon is not a good idea but somehow she doesn''t believe me.


    "Please, he wants you to meet his son. He is so sure that you guys would get along," I roll my eyes and watch as she pukers her lips. This is her attempt at a puppy dog face.


    "Mom, please not tonight."


    She opens her eyes wider and I know I am screwed. The love I have for this woman is impeccably annoying. I wish I could just say hell no to her and storm into my room like the rebellious child I try to act like.


    "You won''t regret it." she hugs me and I groan out of frustration.


    *************


    "I already regret it," I mutter and she slaps my arm to shush me.


    She turns the wheel as we head over to Johns house, the route seems very familiar. Mom ended up spending another hour trying to find the best outfit but she ended up wearing the original black dress she brought out first. I will never understand women and why they feel the need to spend all that time dressing up. I just pick the first thing I see and that''s what I settle on.


    "How far away is this house?" I nag because I am a teenager¡ªsue me.


    "Another thirty minutes she tells me," I groan again and she laughs "You are going to like Brad, I already feel it. He is a very handsome boy," she winks.


    "Are you trying to set me up with your potential stepson?"


    She shakes her head immediately "No I wasn''t, I just meant, since you bat for the other team, you''d appreciate a fine piece of eye candy," she winks again and I don''t even know what she is talking about. It''s been weird since I told her about my new found and pleasurable sexuality. She seems fine with it but now it seems like she doesn''t know how to act around me. She doesn''t know the right things to say and this is a curve in the learning process. I am fine with her this way, even though she just said eye candy.


    I look at the road ahead and something doesn''t sit right with me. We are on the same route as Ford''s house. What if John lives in the same estate? What if I bump into him and he thinks I am a stalker?


    We get to his gated estate and my heart beats from the tension. This cannot be happening, I know this is a small word and all but why does it have to be this estate?


    Mom keeps driving and a revelation hits me immediately. My heart thuds in the confinements of my chest as the craziest thought pops into my head. This is all a coincidence, there is no way that is possible.


    Right.


    I keep doubting myself all the way until she parks in front of the house. This is not any coincidence anymore. This is real, this is happening. How is this possible and why does this have to happen to me? "We''re here," she breathes out and I tremble in my seat. I can''t come down and meet him, knowing full when he is about to become my stepbrother.


    Suddenly his words come to mind and I remember clearly. Everything is adding up.


    My dad is getting married soon.


    So mom is his stepmom. I can''t wrap my head around this. "I can''t do this mom," I shake my head. I know once he finds out about this, it will be over between us. we are just getting started. I don''t want things to end so swiftly.


    "Can''t do what?" she asks me with furrowed brows.


    "I don''t want to go for this dinner."


    "Why?" she is confused. I don''t blame her; I am not being clear enough for her to understand. To her, I am just being my usual stubborn self. She is used to me and she might just think this is me acting up as usual.


    "We made a deal, come on I need you to show up for me. I told you his son will be there, you won''t just be with us adults." she is trying to convince me. I cant show up in front of him like this. He might think I knew all along if I do. This is crazy. How do I explain to him that this is all a coincidence?


    "Mom, trust me, I don''t think it is a good idea to be here. I will call an Uber back home and you can stay for dinner," I open the car door and step out, heading to the direction of the gate. Mom follows me and grabs my arm in her grip tightly. There is a frown on her face, she never shows anger but it looks like this will be one of her angry moments. Somehow, I am making her mad.


    "Stop this Lance, why can''t you just be normal for once in your life?" she shouts at me glaringly.


    Mom never shouts at me, I have been a brat, I have been the worst kid and she never raised her voice at me and now she is shouting at me because of a man. She doesn''t understand why I am acting this way and she is lashing out at me. I am not ready to face Ford, he will hate me.. I don''t want him to hate me, I think I love him.

 Chapter 14 - The Escape

    Lance.


    "Let go of me."


    I jerk my hand off her and she opens her eyes wide from the shock of my outburst. I am on panic mode right now; we are in front of their house and he could find me any moment from now.


    I don''t want to be caught. I need to tread this slowly. I can''t lose him because of her. I need to figure out what this is, it might be the only real thing I will ever have and I am about to lose him because of her.


    "What is wrong with you," she yells.


    I take a step back and she watches me, to her this is an overreaction. I should just suck it up. He doesn''t know what is running through my head "I am sorry mom; I don''t want to be involved in this. I know you don''t understand and I can''t explain it to you but I need to leave," I take another step and she doesn''t reach for me. I see the sadness on her face as I take more steps until I am running away from her.


    She won''t understand this.


    I know that for a fact but I can''t see him in this situation. Ford is not happy in his home; he is a shell of himself. Whoever he is pretending to be is not who he really is but once he finds out that I am his father''s fiance''s son, he will withdraw from me. He will run away from this, I don''t want him to run away from me.


    I stop running and place my hands on my knees with heavy breaths once I am out of the estate gate. The roads are full of cars, there are people on the sidewalk. No one seems to care about me or my situation. I am stuck in this on my own.


    "Fuck," I shout loudly.


    Two girls turn around and stare at me but I ignore them and continue walking slowly. I need to clear my head, I need to think. What am I going to do now? Can I even be with him anymore?


    Once mom gets married, I won''t be able to hide it anymore. I can run away from this as long as I want but it will always be the way things are. The only escape from this situation is a break-up, if she breaks up with John, I could be with him. I don''t want her to break up with John, he makes her happy. After dad, I don''t want her to suffer any more for any man. I don''t want her sadness in exchange for my happiness. This is unfair, why does this have to happen to me?


    "Gamer boy," I hear his voice faintly. For a second it seems like it is all in my head. I look to the direction and I see him. He has a smile on his face, there is excitement¡ªhe is excited to see me. I take a couple of deep breaths because there are two things I could do right now.


    1. Act like I didn''t see him and keep walking. I don''t want to do this because I actually missed him. I missed him so much.


    2. Or go up to him.


    He is parked at the edge of the road in his car, the window is rolled down and his arm is placed on it. He has shades on. His hair is messy in just the ay I like it. He is driving towards the direction of his house¡ªhe is going for their dinner. The dinner I was supposed to attend, the dinner I ran away from.


    "Gamer boy," he calls me again this time waving his hand in the air as a gesture to get me over to him. I inhale because I am tense right now, he will see right through me'' he will know something is wrong and I can''t tell him about this. I am not ready to lose him. To lose his smile, his kiss, his touch. I am not ready to lose the love I could have with him.


    I take slow step towards him and he opens the door to his car. He is dressed in basketball shorts and a tank top. His sneakers are white Adidas with black stripes. I watch him close the door of his scar and lean against it patiently until I am close to him. "You know I thought my eyes were deceiving me when I saw you. I have been thinking about you all day today," he says cheekily.


    I manage a fake smile because that is all I can give him at this moment. There is a sadness that I shouldn''t show him, there are emotions that are begging to burst out. I am angry at the world, angry that I can''t be with the only person that I want to be with.


    "Are you okay?" he reaches for me and I realise I am crying as he wipes a drop of tear from my cheek. This is not the time to cry, I shouldn''t be crying but I can''t help myself. The tears start to pour and he pulls me into his arms for a hug. I hold him tightly because I don''t know if I will ever get the chance again. There is no promised future with him anymore. There is only now, this moment.


    **************


    "You wanna talk about it?" he says pulling back from my arms slowly. I shake my head because I can''t talk about it. If I talk about this, we will both be sad.


    "I am okay," I lie.


    He nods and grabs my hand in his "Do you wanna go somewhere quiet?" he asks.


    He is supposed to be going home. He has that dinner that I don''t even want him to go for. I don''t want him with my mom and his dad, acting like a fucking happy family. I don''t want that picture painted in my head.


    "Where do you have in mind?"


    He smiles "How much do you trust me?"


    I trust him so much but I don''t say anything. I don''t tell him how I want more than what we have, I don''t tell him that I think about him more than I think about anything else. He is like breathing to me, someone I met a couple of days ago. How is this even possible?


    "Come on," he pulls me to his car and I enter with the hopes that I don''t say something to mess this up. I am completely worried that if I don''t tell him what I just find out right now, he will hate me more. I don''t want him to hate him.


    "Where are we going?" I ask as he starts the car.


    "Somewhere I have never taken anyone else to. Trust me you will never want to leave," he winks at me and my heart melts to pieces. All the worries of earlier go to the deepest part of my memory that I have no reason to dig up. I don''t want to think about what I am going to have to tell him, I don''t want to think about how he will react. I just want to enjoy this moment with him.


    Ford keeps on driving until we get to an abandoned building. It is gated and on the side of town, I would never picture him going. He turns off the ignition and smiles at me widely "Where is this?"


    He chuckles probably excited to be here. I don''t know where here is but I am curious to know what is inside the building. "Just wait and see," he winks and gets down from the car. I am hesitant to get down because the longer we spend together, the closer I will have to tell him the truth. I don''t plan on keeping this from him, I want him to know. I don''t want this to look like deceit. It isn''t intentional, so I don''t want him to think I did this, knowing who he was.


    He runs to the other side of the car and I watch him open the door or me like a perfect gentleman. He is still smiling and as he grabs my hand in his I get down from the car "How good are you at swimming?" he asks.


    I shrug "I don''t know, been a while still I got in a pool."


    He frowns "Would you want to get into one with me?" we walk closer to the gates and I notice that they are rusty. This place looks hunted.


    "Are you sure we''re allowed in here?" I raise a brow.


    He laughs "I think so," he stops in front of me and grabs both my hands in his. I look up to get a clearer view of his face and he seems genuinely happy to be with me. This man here is happy to be with me, I am happy to be with him. Why do we have to lose it all for other people? Why do I have to sacrifice everything for my mother every time?


    I am exhausted.


    "You think," I ask him amused.


    He nods and grabs my chin softly. He uses the opportunity to raise my head up and his lips press against mine gently. I hold my breath because I want to revel in this kiss for as long as I can. I want this moment to last forever but I know like all the things in my life that it must come to an end. Nothing last forever.


    He pulls back from the kiss after a couple of seconds and I release the breath I have been holding. Kissing FOrd is amazing, I never knew a kiss could be that intense. Being with him has opened so many doors that I never want to leave.


    "So...getting into one with me, you didn''t answer?" he reminds me of his previous question.


    "I''d like that."

 Chapter 15 - The Swim

    Lance.


    I watch him break into the building with no intentions of leaving. He turns around so suddenly that I have to catch myself from falling, his eyes crinkle as his lips tilt upwards "Almost got it," he exclaims and I watch him pick the lock.


    I have never seen anyone break into anything. He looks so macho in this view that I want him even more. The padlock opens with a click and he fist bump the air in excitement.


    "come on," he grabs my hand in his so quick that I stumble to keep up with his pace. We enter this forbidden place and the darkness gets to me; he says it''s okay for us to be here but I really don''t think he is being sincere. We had to break in to enter. I notice a sticker on the wall, it is bright yellow and says the words ''STAY OUT'' in all caps. More reasons to suspect Ford or Brad, at this moment I don''t even know who he is. Makes me think he didn''t really give me his real name. If I accuse him, he would have to find out that I know who he really is. I am not ready to get out of this bubble.


    I want to remain inside.


    He stops running when we enter the underground building, it is even darker than the outside. His phone flash suddenly blares and all I see his smile and beautiful eyes.


    "Hi," he sings out still smiling.


    In this light, he looks like a little child with no care in the world. Nothing matters but this moment and I wish I could be that way. I want to let go of my life outside this building. I want to forget about my mom and her new husband. I want to forget that he is not someone I should be herewith.


    Even if it''s just for tonight.


    I want to forget it all.


    Grabbing my hand in his tightly he pulls me till we are in front of a staircase leading upstairs "Are we ever going to get to this pool you''re talking about?" I question him playfully.


    He smiles in the darkness "Just you wait and see," he drags me up the stairs and I see another door, this one is closed too. He opens it and unlike the rest of the building, this place is bright. So bright that I have to squint my eyes to adjust to the brightness. He chuckles with his eyes wide open "Told you,"


    I open my eyes fully and see the pool he has been talking about. It is an Olympic sized pool. I have never seen a pool this big; we don''t even have one in school. The swim team always has to go to the public pool for practice. I look at the beauty in front of me with admiration and Ford enjoys every moment of it. "It is beautiful," I exclaim. At this moment, there is nothing on my mind, the fact that everything I found out earlier still lingers is somehow forgotten. I like how being with him Is making me feel. I feel happy for the first time in a long time.


    "Come on," Ford starts to take off his clothes, one by one. I watch him as he strips down to his underwear until he is completely naked. His smile is devious, he knows I am watching him in a not so innocent way and he likes it. He likes that I want him. He is enjoying this, enjoying it too much "you should take yours off," he urges me before jumping into the pool. The water splashes and some get to my clothes, its cold. Very cold.


    He goes under the water and I watch him unsure if this is even a good idea, he broke into the place, what if we get caught somehow?


    "Come on L, you said you''d swim with me," he manages in between breaths as the water splashes.


    "The water is freezing."


    He chuckles "It is not that bad, once you get in you forget about ti." he waves his hands "Come on."


    Taking a deep breath, I listen to him and start to take off my clothes. I wore all these clothes to impress John, we are supposed to be at a dinner table, having a meal. I can''t even imagine the reaction he would have if he finds out about this. Ford wouldn''t want to be with me anymore--I mean is it even possible. He is a people pleaser. He saw me the other day and acted like he didn''t even know who I was. He would deny me instantly.


    I know that much.


    I stop at my boxers and he laughs "You have to take off ALL your clothes," he smiles, waiting patiently. I have seen him naked and he has seen me naked multiple times. I love every part of his body, every dent and flaw and beauty. I have all of them memorized. He is special to me and I don''t want to lose what we have. I have never been so confident in my body but with him, I don''t care about all that.


    i pull my boxers off and he exclaims excitedly. A smile crawls up to my face as I jump into the water. He grabs me immediately not giving me a chance to even swim. I wrap my arms around his neck and he kisses me softly. I don''t even think about how cold the water is, all I can focus on is him. That is how much he takes over my whole world.


    We pull apart from each other slowly and he rests his forehead on mine, our legs are still paddling to keep us afloat "How are you feeling now?" he asks me softly.


    He wants to make sure I am okay. No matter what happens between us, at least I will know that he actually cares about me. What we have is real and no one can take that away from us. Not even my mother.


    Not his father.


    "I''m okay."


    He nods "Do you want to talk about it?"


    I want to tell him everything, I wish I could be honest and talk to him about today. I can''t go through this alone but once I do I will end up losing him and I am not ready to lose him. I have so much to gain with him but once he knows the truth, he wouldn''t be with me anymore.


    "It''s all better now," I lie because that is all I can do. I can only lie to keep him close to me. I have become the kind of person that lies to the ones they loved. I lied to my mother, and now I am lying to him. When will all this end?


    ********************


    "Call me when you get home?" I tell him as he puts his car on park in front of my apartment building.


    He nods his head with a faint smile "I had a good time tonight, I will have to go home and face my father, we had a dinner planned out with his fiance,'''' he rolls his eyes and my heart breaks at his words. He is talking about the dinner I ran away from, the dinner I caused a scene at.


    The dinner I am keeping from him.


    Okay.


    "You''re quiet," he mutters.


    I sigh "I have a lot on my mind. Don''t worry, I will figure it all out. Drive home safe," I move closer to him and plant a kiss on his forehead. He closes his eyes to take it all in and as I leave him and head on upstairs, I hate myself even more. I am the worst person I have ever met. How do I even come back from this? How do I tell him that I knew all along and didn''t tell him? Would he even believe me?


    I knock on Jack''s door and he opens it with a sleepy look on his face, I must have woken him up. This is confusing because it is just 9 o clock. "You''re back."


    I nod "Can I come in?" I look over his shoulders with the hopes that his father is not home. I hate staying at his place when his dad is home¡ªjack hates staying at his place when his father is around.


    "Yeah, sure. Don''t worry, he''s not home." he opens the door wider and we walk until we get to his room. I sit on his bed and he watches me waiting for me to talk to him. He knows something is wrong, you cant be my best friend and not be able to tell these things. The relationship I have with Jack is so strong that he would be able to tell when I am happy, sad or angry.


    "What happened?" he sits down next to me.


    "I Cant have him," I say those for words and the tears that I have been trying to hold all night rush out. All the pain I have felt come flooding out. Jack holds me and I cry in my best friends arms.


    Thinking about the good thing I will have to lose.


    Just when I found it.

 Chapter 16 - Numb

    Lance


    After all the crying, that is how I feel. I am exhausted and I have been in bed all night. I couldn''t sleep, I kept thinking about everything and then I''d wake up in tears and Jack would hold me again. He was unable to sleep because of me and he doesn''t even know what happened.


    Saying it out loud makes it too real.


    Once it becomes real, I know I have to tell Ford. I don''t want to tell him, once I tell him, he will hate me for keeping it from him. I didn''t go home last night; I am not ready to face her. She probably hates me too. She hates that I don''t want to accept her relationship but she doesn''t even know the reason. The reason why I wish John will never marry her. I wish they break up and never see each other again.


    I hate theirs because as long as their relationship is intact, mine will never blossom.


    "You wanna talk about it?"


    I look up and jack is watching me, I didn''t even know he was awake. I must be so dazed that I didn''t even hear him wake up.


    "Not really," I answer him honestly.


    He sighs "Is it about Ford?"


    This is what I mean when I say he knows me too well. He didn''t even ask about the dinner. He just knows that it must have something to do with Ford because right now Ford is the most important thing on my mind. I eat sleep and breathe him and all that he is.


    "It''s complicated."


    He sighs and sits up on the bed with a grim expression "What happened? You had dinner with your mom. How did you deviate to Ford?"


    "He''s John''s son," I tell him point blank but he doesn''t understand.


    "Who?"


    "Ford is Brad, Brad is Ford. I don''t even know how the hell that happened. Mom is marrying Brad''s father. He is going to be my stepbrother. The only person I genuinely want to be is going to be family. How is that even fair," as I say the words out loud for the first time all the emotions pour out and I start to cry again.


    Not even looking at Jack, I hear his sigh. I know he is as upset about this as I am. He knows how much this means to me and suddenly I might lose it all.


    "Fuck."


    Suddenly the room becomes quiet, I hear the ticking of the clock on his bedside table, the tree hitting the windows, the wind blowing against the roof. I don''t have any words right now, I am just going to wallow in my sadness and he would stay with me, I know I can rely on Jack, all through everything.


    A loud knock comes from the front door and Jack jumps up from the bed "Your mom?" he asks rhetorically.


    We both know she is the one, she must have given me enough space last night. She probably knows I am here. Jack walks to the front of his room door and stops, facing me "Should I tell her you''re not here?"


    I shake my head, at this point, I don''t even care, here I am thinking about all the repercussions of keeping this from Ford, the fact that I will end up losing him, he will never forgive me for hiding this from him, even though it has been just one day. All my mother is thinking about is how I ruined her dinner with the man she loves, she doesn''t know the reason why I acted out and if I tell her, she will stop my relationship from blossoming. "You can let her in,"


    Sitting up on the bed, I wait for the inevitable. I hear their hushed murmurs from the living room. I know she is pissed but after a couple of minutes Jack comes in without her "What happened?" I ask immediately.


    I expected her to burst in. I know she is still pissed and that is why I can''t believe she would just leave like that "I convinced her to give you some space," he tells me.


    "And she agreed?"


    He nods.


    "Why?"


    He shrugs "You know your mother is the most thoughtful woman I have ever met. She must know something is wrong."


    "What do I do?" I change the topic because I need to figure out this whole thing. I can''t keep denying the truth because eventually, everyone will find out and I will be the bad guy.


    "You need to tell him the truth."


    Jack makes all this seem so easy like it is just black and white. I just say ''Oh Ford, my mother is marrying your dad''


    How is that even going to play out?


    "He will not want to be with me anymore."


    "How sure are you? Do you even think being together is still an option?"


    "I really like this guy Jack. I have never felt this way before. How do I just let it all go?" the tears start to fall and I see it in my best friends eyes. he doesn''t like the way all this is making me feel but how do I stop feeling this way? When did I get to the point of hurting because of a guy?


    "You can''t hide this from him forever, eventually you will have to meet him and he will figure it out. Don''t you think him finding out on his own will piss him off even more?"


    His words make all the sense in the world but I am not ready to accept it. I am still in denial. La-La Land.


    "I will still get the same reaction either way," thinking about it. Ford is not the kind of person to go against his father. He seems really terrified of the man. Once he finds out that I am too close to his family, he will throw me away like some pile of dirt.


    "Look, I know this must fucking hurt but think about the long term. If you prolong this, feelings will get deeper and you will only end up getting more hurt. You have to stop whatever this is now before it gets too far."


    My phone beeps and I know he is the one instantly. He is the only one that would be messaging me right now. He is the only one I want to talk to, the one I want to be with, I just left him yesterday but I want to see him again "Tell him the truth Lance, tell him before you regret it."


    I ignore my best friend and open the notification from him.


    *How about that planned date gamer boy?*


    I know what he is talking about, we planned a date. One where we would officially have sex. He said he would come up with everything, things were supposed to be perfect but how do I show up now and act like everything is okay when I have this huge cloud looming over my head.


    Shit.

 Chapter 17 - Miserable Lance.

    Lance.


    I leave Jack in the evening and he is the best company because even though he wanted me to come clean about everything, he didn''t say too much about it we played video games and had Macdonald''s for breakfast, the day was perfect and for a second, I forgot about his message and everything else. I linger at the front door for a second because I know mom will be home. She wouldn''t leave until we had settled our fight.


    That is the relationship we have.


    I am not ready to face her because I don''t have an answer to all the questions she will have for me when she sees me but I also know I have no choice but to do this. Opening the door, I take a deep breath with so much hesitation. I notice things that I have never before, like the brown stains on the door, how rusty our door handle is. I don''t want to go in but I have no choice. I want to reply to Ford. I already miss him, I want to see him again but I also know I have to tell him the truth. I finally take the slow steps into the apartment and I see her on the couch staring into space. She doesn''t look pissed, she is dressed in the same clothes she had on yesterday fro the dinner.


    I want the ground to swallow me at this moment, I want to disappear forever. Her eyes sway to my direction "You''re back," she mutters calmly.


    She is too calm for me.


    I wish she would just yell at me, tell me how upset she is, ground me or something. I don''t like calm mother, I want upset mother right now. "Yes," I move closer to her until I am in front of the couch, playing around with a loose thread on the couch I continue "I''m sorry about yesterday."


    She nods "Do you want to talk about it?"


    It is pretty obvious that she would want to know why I reacted so childish yesterday but telling her would ruin everything for me. I don''t want to tell her yet, I need to tell Ford first and I don''t even want to tell him. I am not ready for all this honesty that everyone is expecting from me.


    "I''m sorry."


    That is my way of letting her know that I can''t talk about it yet, I am not ready to talk about it. She stands up from the couch and stops in front of me "Is it cause of John, do you not like him?" she seems genuinely worried.


    She wants me to like him almost as much as she likes him.. I don''t have a problem with John, I have a problem with who John is. I was happy for her before I found out. Now I want them to break up so bad, I am being selfish I know. This is her happiness and I am here wishing it ends in sadness.


    "It''s not about that."


    "What is it about? You seemed excited to go for the dinner, okay maybe not excited but you were okay with it, what changed?"


    I sigh "Mom, I am figuring a lot of stuff out and I don''t think all this change is good for me."


    With furrowed brows, she asks "Are you bothered that I am getting married? I am not asking you to replace your father, I will never ask you to replace your father but I wish you would give John a chance. He makes me happy."


    There we go.


    Those words that make all this even more difficult.


    He makes her happy.


    Someone finally makes my mother happy and I am selfishly thinking about ruining that happiness by being with Ford. There is no way in hell we can work out, we will never work out unless his father stops making my mother happy and I don''t even want that to happen.


    "This is not about John, I like John."


    She smiles "Were you nervous to meet his son? He didn''t even show up."


    "It''s not about that."


    "Then what is it. Please talk to me," she rests her forehead on my shoulder and this is her way of pleading with me. She is letting her guard down, begging me to open up to her. I can''t do that because I am scared. I am scared to lose him.


    "Mom, I am okay, I overreacted yesterday. It won''t happen again, I promise."


    She sighs as I wrap my arms around her, she holds unto me tightly and I know what I have to do, at this moment I have to end things with Ford and I have to tell him the truth. This is the only thing I can do. I have to ve selfless and think about her and her alone. She is the most important person in my life.


    She is happy.


    ***********************


    Mom goes to work and I go to my room thinking about everything and how I will have to do this. I haven''t replied any of his messages because I feel too ashamed, I am keeping this from him and the next thing I will have to do is break things off with him.


    How do I even go about it?


    My phone rings and I see his name in the caller ID. Dodging him for too long is not possible, he will know something is wrong. He will find out and hate me. I can''t talk to him right now because I don''t have the strength. Hearing his voice alone will put me in a spiral, it''ll make me want to see him and kiss him, and hold him. I will want to do all the things we talked about. All the plans we had, all the stories we still need to tell each other, how do I continue a bond that I know will not last?


    I decline his call, knowing full well that he will call back again and I do this continuously because I am not ready. I am not ready to see him. I will eventually muster up the courage and I will tell him the truth.


    Eventually.


    Days pass and everything goes back to the way it was before Ford. My life as it was before I found something that made me smile. I act like I am fine but my friends can see right through me. Jack hates what this is doing to me but I keep lying and saying I am fine.


    "Hey," Jack and Eren are watching me as I play with the fries on my plate.


    I don''t even know what they were talking about before their attention shifted to me.


    "Huh?"


    Eren chuckles "Dude, what is wrong with you. You have been spacing out a lot lately."


    We haven''t told him anything, not because I want to keep this from him, but because saying this out loud hurts a lot more and I am not ready to let go of what we had. I am not ready to think about how things were perfect and now I have to let go of everything.


    "I''m fine," I continue with the lies and denial.


    Jack scoffs "You''re not fine. You are miserable and we both see it," he decides to be ''captain obvious'' at this moment.


    "I am not miserable."


    They both laugh "We know normal Lance, yeah you might not be the life of the party but at least you had some life in you. This Lance we are with right now sucks and we need our best friend back," Eren interjects.


    "Nothing is wrong with me."


    Jack sighs and stands up from the chair in the middle of the cafeteria "I''m going to the bathroom; I will be back." he leaves without waiting for a response and I look at Eren "Seriously, I am fine," I don''t want to talk about everything with him because there is no point. We might be close but we are not close enough to go through all the semantics.


    I hear footsteps and murmurs coming from everyone in the cafeteria, their eyes seem to be following someone. There are a lot of curious stares and this piques my curiosity, turning around, I see him before he even gets close enough. I will know him from a mile away. His whole appearance is engraved to my memory for the rest of my life. At this moment, there are different thoughts running through my head.


    What is he doing here?


    How did he find me?


    Why?


    His eyes roam around the cafeteria like he is searching for something, I know what or rather who he is looking for, I have been ignoring all his calls. I sent him a message two days ago, saying I needed space from hi. I expected this sooner but not in school in front of everyone. His eyes meet mine and there is an expression on his face like he is in pain. I want to stand up and run into his arms. Apologise for being such a coward but I can''t, the only thing I can do is run and that Is what I do as I stand up from the stool and run the other direction. I hear him as he follows me and this only makes me run faster.


    I can''t face him right now.


    Holy shit.

 Chapter 18 - Denial

    Lance.


    "Lance, stop."


    His pace is too fast for my short legs. I can''t keep up with this. I feel his grip on my left arm and this puts me to a stop. We are outside the school building, his hair is messy, almost like he just got out of the shower, he is dressed in his uniform but his tie hangs loosely around his neck. His ears are red, his eyes are blank. I miss seeing his smile, I miss it so much.


    "Let me go," I plead desperately in hopes that I could just disappear at this moment.


    He doesn''t listen. His grip just feels tighter "What is going on babe?" he cries.


    Babe?


    He has never called me babe. Why is he calling me babe? Things like this just makes this harder. The fact that he is brave enough to call me Babe through all his fears, is overwhelming.


    "Nothing," I lie as usual.


    Lying has become so easy for me. i am lying to my mother. Lying to my best friends. Lying to myself.


    "I''ve been calling you for almost two weeks. You''ve been ignoring my calls and messages. Did I do something wrong?"


    I shake my head "No," I don''t want him feeling like this is his fault. I don''t want him thinking he did something wrong "You''re perfect. This is not about you."


    He sighs, his hands loosen around my sleeves and I watch him run his hands through his hair "Then what is wrong? You said you needed space, space from what?" he takes a deep breath "From me?"


    "No."


    He reaches for me and I don''t push him back, this is me showing weakness. I am weak when it comes to him and I missed his touch so much. This is not the best place to do this and we get a reminder as someone walks out of the building. It is a boy¡ªa student in my class, I don''t remember his name but he looks at us and I watch Ford retract his hand, with so much shame that I remember why i have to let him go. He is not ashamed of me; he is ashamed of himself.


    If I tell him about everything, I know what he will say. He will let go of me. He will choose to be a good son to his father. The man that makes him hide his true self. He will never choose me.


    That is why this will not work.


    "Can we go somewhere else. To talk."


    "Why?" I ask.


    "Come on Lance, I am worried about us." he tells me.


    I laugh, I can''t help it. I am upset by what just happened. The fact that he cant even touch me in public hurts. "I don''t need to go anywhere else. This thing between us is over and you will find out why eventually. We were never going to work in the first place."


    I am being cold.


    I think this is actually the best way to go. He is not even ready to be with me, he will never fight for us. No matter what I do or say, so I might as well just let this go.


    "Stop pushing me away."


    "I am not pushing you away. I am setting you free."


    "I don''t want to be free."


    I scoff "You can''t even touch me in public. How do you think that makes me feel?"


    "I told you I will come out. i just need some time. My dad is not the easiest person to talk to."


    Its laughable that he is bringing his father up "No one even knows you here. This is not your school; how would your father even find out?" he is being ridiculous. At this point it is not even about his father. It is about him. He doesn''t want to come out. He likes being the perfect guy that everyone thinks he is.


    "You don''t understand."


    "It''s fine. I don''t need to. You figure out you and what you want but without me."


    "I want to figure this out with you."


    "We can''t" I remember the elephant in the room. I remember the things I wish I can forget.


    "Why?" this time he grabs my hand in his and I don''t fight it. I let him hold me and then he pulls me closer to him and I let him. "Please Lance, don''t push me away. I need you." his voice croaks and my heart breaks at his words. This is not the first time he is saying he needs me, is this how it feels to actually be needed by someone.


    "We wont work," I cry in his arms. He doesn''t let go of me, he doesn''t pull me away from him.


    "We have to try. We won''t know unless we try." his words are making this more difficult. He won''t think so when I tell him the truth "I need to tell you something," I pull away from him and he watches me curiously.


    I take a deep breath, time to gather up all my nerves and brace up for this "Wait, come with me tonight. Let''s have that date we talked about. Just the two of us and if you feel like you don''t want this anymore, then we can call this off. Just give me a chance."


    He is prolonging the inevitable.


    "We don''t have to have sex."


    He is prolonging what I know will eventually happen.


    "Please." he brushes my hair away from my face and I let our a sigh of defeat. He has won this round. I will say my final goodbye to him tonight.


    What could go wrong?


    *************


    "You''re going on a date with him?" Jack tosses the basketball and it enters the net immediately.


    "Yes."


    He grabs the ball as it bounces close to him "Are you insane?" he bounces the ball and I watch as it goes up and down. Up and down. My eyes are fixated on the ball, it reminds me so much of Ford. He is a baller. This is his game; would we ever get to shoot hoops together?


    "No."


    Jack throws the ball at me and I manage to catch it, almost falling to my face. Sports are not my thing. I am the definition of a Nerd, except i am not smart. I don''t have anything special about me. I am barely passing in school, the only thing I am good at is playing video games. Is that even a skill?


    "You seem to forget the massive elephant in the room," he reminds me yet once again. Somehow Jack feels like it is his job to keep on letting me know about the things I need to do. He doesn''t understand that this has been on my mind since i found out. I don''t need his reminder--I have not forgotten.


    "I haven''t forgotten."


    He scoffs and I try to shoot the ball into the net but fail miserably. The ball bounces back and lands in front of my best friend "Tell him, stop beating around the bush, you will regret it if he finds out on his own."


    Jack fucking thinks I don''t know that. He thinks I like lying and keeping this a secret. it is slowly eating me up "I know, I know all this, you don''t have to fucking remind me every fucking second. I want to tell him, I will tell him, I just need some time."


    "You don''t have time. Your mother is getting married to his father."


    "Stop fucking telling me what I already know. You think I like hiding this. You think I like that I found out about this and I have to be the one to tell him. I just need a fucking moment to breathe." I walk away from him angrily and he doesn''t follow me.


    He knows I am pissed.


    He will let me calm down first.


    I run up the stairs till I get to the roof of our apartment building. The blue sky is without a dark cloud. Its supposed to mean that the night will be good. I wish I could be as free as the birds in the sky, i wish I didn''t have those clouds looming over my head.


    "Oh, sorry. I didn''t know anyone was out here," I turn around and a boy my age¡ªat least he looks my age, smiles warmly at me. His eyes are a dark grey and there is a scar just above his eye brow. It is the first thing I notice when I look at him and I hate myself for being so obvious. His hair is a neat buzz cut. He is dressed in all black, jeans and a metal head shirt with red engravings. i have never seen him in the building before, so he must have just moved.


    "It''s fine," I wave my hands in the air in a ''we can share the space'' way.


    He walks in and I watch him stop at the edge of the railing a couple of feet away from me. He puts his hand in his pocket and brings out a tiny transparent bag from it. "You want to share a smoke?"


    He is talking about weed. I have only ever tried it once before. At a party. I shouldn''t be smoking, knowing i have that date with Ford later and I should be in my right mind when I tell him the truth but in this moment with this handsome stranger watching me, I do what I usually do.


    "Sure."

 Chapter 19 - Patrick

    Lance


    I watch him roll the weed in a thin paper and curiosity is at the highest. I have never seen anyone roll a blunt before. He seems to be good at it and as he uses his spit to close it up I smile "Do you live in this building?" I ask.


    He nods and uses a lighter to light the roll "Yup. I''ve seen you around a couple of times." he takes a whiff of the blunt and he passes it to me You''re the kiss in the rain guy," he says as I collect it from him.


    "Huh?" I ask as I inhale the smoke slowly.


    I let the first moment as I feel the smoke as it draws into my lings, it is a hot feeling, almost like fire but then as I digest the feeling and the smoke settles in, I relax. I know it won''t take effect immediately, this is not the first time I have had it. "I saw you the other day, outside," he collects the blunt back from me.


    I furrow my brows "Outside?"


    He nods "You know kissing your boyfriend."


    I cough out the smoke at his unexpected revelation. Holy shit, I suddenly remember the night he is talking about. The night I felt like I was floating on cloud 9. the night that felt like a movie "I don''t know what you are talking about," I try to deny it.


    He laughs "You know I don''t care that you''re gay. So, you don''t have to hide it. I know what I saw."


    I manage a smile because he is basically telling me I don''t have anything to worry about that he is not here to judge me. I like this feeling, being completely who I am. "So how come I have never seen you around?"


    "Kinda new here, been about a month since I moved. Seen you around a couple of times."


    "Really?"


    he nods.


    "You''re in 5B."


    "Do you come out here a lot?"


    He nods "Mostly to smoke. so why do you look like you''re pissed at the world right now?"


    He seems to be very observant. "Things are just going so wrong and it getting so frustrating. I just need a break from all this." my words are honest. Maybe it the weed but I feel like I can trust him. I don''t even know who this person is. He is someone I just met but I want to talk to him, I want to talk to someone that would see things from another perspective.


    "Is it about rain boy?"


    He is talking about Ford.


    Yes, it is about Ford. My whole life is suddenly revolving around Ford and I don''t know how to make it stop. "What would you do if the one person you enjoyed being with is someone you shouldn''t be with?" I ask him waiting for his answer.


    He inhales the smoke and I watch it come out of his nose, he is doing this like a professional. It is already starting to kick in, I am being extra open and the euphoric feeling I have been waiting for is finding its way out.


    "Do you think you''re not supposed to be with this person?"


    I look away from him as his question registers. I dont know what I think, the fact that I feel so much for Ford makes me want to say fuck it to the world, fuck it to my mother. I want him so badly that I want to throw all caution to the wind but things aren''t that simple. I can''t live my life not giving a fuck, especially when I know once he finds out, he wouldn''t be as open as I am. He won''t say fuck it to the world, he won''t say fuck it to his father, he won''t throw all caution to the wind.


    "I do, but other people won''t."


    "Because he is a dude?"


    He thinks I am talking about coming out. He thinks this is a matter of being ashamed, terrified to be gay but I am so far from that. My sexuality is the one thing I am not scared of. I am proud of the person I have become; I am thankful to Ford for letting me find out. I will never be scared to be who I am.


    "No," I collect the blunt "It''s a long story." I tell him.


    He nods "I have only one thing to say, you have to think about you. You came into this life to live it. There is no one but you and you alone. If you want to be with someone and he wants to be with you, then be with them. No matter the consequences."


    His words are simple and straightforward but they resonate so deep that I start to feel emotional. I have no idea that this person would become specail. That he will become someone I will never forget.


    "Shit, I realize I don''t even know your name."


    "I don''t know yours either," he laughs like it is no big deal.


    "I am Lance."


    He smiles and I watch him outstretch his hand "Patrick."


    ****************


    "I''m sorry." I look at my best friend and he has remoorse plastered all over his face. He regrets saying all those harsh but honest things but I am not upset with him. i am upset with the situation.


    I smile "You have nothing to be sorry for," I wrap my arms around his neck and he chuckles.


    "You sound weird,"


    I am high. I am high and I have a date any minute from now maybe this will make telling Ford easier. Before I met Patrick, I was worried about the outcome fo this date. I was terrified but now I know what I am going to have to do. I have to tell Ford the truth. I have to convince him to fight with me. We have to be together. This thing we have is not regular and I don''t want to let it go¡ªfuck, I am not letting him go.


    "I met someone earlier," I blurt with my arms still around him. My body is limp next to him, my legs feel wobbly.


    "Who?" he raises a brow while trying to steady me in his arms.


    "He lives in our building. His name is Patrick, he is very handsome. Have you seen him around?" I am rambling and Jack seems to notice.


    "You''re high." he points out.


    Moving my head in an up and down motion, I agree with him "We smoked weed." I smile from ear to ear feeling proud of myself.


    Jack laughs "You smoked with this Patrick?"


    I nod again "Yes, he is a very nice guy."


    "You have a date with Ford." he reminds me.


    I nod yet again "He is on his way." I remember the message he sent.


    "You''re not even ready."


    I look at myself in the mirror and he is right. I look a mess right now, my eyes are so fucking red. What was I thinking? How could I get this high? I pace around the room in an attempt to clear my head but it not working "Drink water." Jack says reading my mind.


    I run out of my room and into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water, I gulp it down in one go. Jacks walks up to me with a smile of amusement. This must be really funny to him "Stop smiling," I warn him.


    He raises his hands in surrender "Sorry."


    We walk back to my room and he walks into my tiny closet. I watch him rummage through my clothes and then pull out a pair of jeans and one of my many plain black T-shirts. "Here," he throws the clothes to the bed "Have a shower, it''ll help clear your head and then put these on. I really don''t know what you were thinking but I won''t scold you until you are in your right mind."


    I take slow steps into the bathroom, still in my daze. Once in the shower, the hot water hits me and all thoughts evaporate completely. I think about Patrick and his words. He said some profound things to me. he makes me want to fight to be with Ford. I am going to do my best, I will tell him the rtrrusth. I will make him see that this could work, without out parents approval, without anyone. As long as we have each other, we would be happy.


    It took meeting someone as weird as Patrick to make me see what I knew all along. I don''t know the outcome of saying the truth but I will try my best to make things work. I dont want to lose one of the most important people to me. I need him in my life and I will fight to keep him there.


    I just have to get through this date.

 Chapter 20 - 50 First Dates.

    Lance


    I open the door and his smiling face is revealed. I still cannot get over how handsome this man in front of me is. I don''t know how I got so lucky. He likes me as much as I like him, this perfectly made human, actually likes me.


    "Hi," I look at him with a wide smile. He is dressed in black slacks and a white t-shirt. It fits perfectly, all around his beautifully sculpted body.


    "Hey," he moves closer until I am in his arms and presses his lips to mine softly. There is a desperation to his kiss, I guess i feel the same. He is probably scared that after tonight i will end things but for now I am more than a hundred percent sure that I don''t want to break up with him. I am going to hold unto him¡ªif anyone is letting go, it''ll be him.


    Pulling away from me slowly he rests his forehead against mine "I missed you," he mutters even though we just saw each other earlier.


    "I missed you too," I manage.


    The effects of the weed are starting to wear out but I still feel a little cloudy. I am dressed in the outfit that Jack picked out and as we walk out of my house together, I ask "Where is this date?"


    He smiles proudly "Somewhere special," he winks in his way of telling me it is a surprise.


    I am not really the kind of person that likes surprises, I have never been fond of surprises. I guess it''s the whole getting caught off guard that gets to me. I like to be prepared for whatever I get myself into.


    I trust Ford completely so I will take this chance with him, I will let him do this surprise date and enjoy every moment of it. The ride is quiet, I feel a little light headed from the joint but I am excited for this date. I keep thinking about Patrick and his words. He gave me the assurance I needed and now sitting beside Ford in this car, I know what I am going to do.


    "Where are we going to?" I ask. The drive to wherever he has planned is long and I am already getting impatient.


    He turns around and faces me for a second with a bright smile on his face "Just wait and see," he grabs my hand with his right hand and focuses on the road once more. The electricity from his touch is still there and suddenly heightened.


    "You can''t break up with me after the night ends. You have to give this a shot." his tone is firm. I know he has been thinking about the message I sent him. I couldn''t stop thinking about it. It was the first time I broke up with anyone and the regret still lingers.


    "I don''t want to do that anymore."


    He turns the steering wheel and releases a loud breath "You scared me. I thought I really lost you for good."


    He is reliving moments that I don''t want to relive. I just want to be here with him. I just want to have this date and tell him the truth. I want to assure him that this would work. We have to fight. Nothing good ever comes easy.


    It takes us approximately about an hour to get to where we are going. My nerves kick in, just the thought of spending alone time with him is satisfying. I have never wanted to be with anyone as much as I want to be with him. The drive takes a detour to scary and dangerous as we drive along the woods. I should be scared or worried that he is taking me to some house in the woods to murder me¡ªyeah, I know I am dramatic but I trust him completely "Are we there yet?"


    He chuckles "Almost."


    I look ahead and a house comes into view. As we get closer, I see it clearer. The house is completely made of wood and very cozy looking. The windows are crystal glass and there is a door of a different brown shade than the rest of the house. It reminds me of my childhood. I used to go camping with my dad and wed always chicken out and end up in cabin close to the campsite. Mom never knew our secret, she always thought we were going camping but we''d still try to have the camping experience but indoors. Dad would make smores, we''d light the fireplace, dad would tell me a scary story. But we''d end up in a cozy bed in each other''s arms and a working bathroom. Jack used to call me a hypocrite for all the deceit but I miss those days more than anything in the world.


    "We are here." Ford puts the car on park in front of the house and I am already excited for whatever her has planned. He gets down from the car and runs over to my side, opening my door for me "This has to be perfect," he exclaims.


    "It is already perfect."


    "Wait until you see what I have in stock." he winks and grabs my hand gently into his.


    We walk into the cabin. The living room is dark, with both the windows and curtains closed. I am still holding Ford''s hand tightly, I can''t really see anything from the darkness "Lemme get a light," he lets go of my hand and I watch him run to a corner in the room and he switches on a lamp on a tiny table by the couch. The room comes into view suddenly and it doesn''t look like anything special is planned. I see a blanket on the floor in front of the wall, there is a basket and a bucket with a bottle of wine and ice in it.


    "I thought we could have dinner and watch a movie," he is watching me with hopeful eyes. The fact that this is so simply makes me like it even more.


    "What movie are we watching?"


    I walk over to the blanket on the floor and notice there is a projector and a laptop on a table behind it. It is facing the wall.


    "50 first dates."


    He picked my favorite movie of all time. I told him the first time we met and he remember. The fact that he remembered means he was paying attention, the fact that he was paying attention means he genuinely cares about me. He was interested in me the first time he met me. This is not just a fling to him either. He likes me as much as I like him.


    "You remembered," I exclaim joyously.


    He blushes proud of himself at this moment. It means a lot to me that he remembered something so small and unimportant. This just means that he will be there for the bigger things. Like my birthday, graduation and other stuff. This is a first for me. Having someone that cares so deeply for me.


    I never want to let that go.


    "I have something else planned. After this, I promise it will be worth it."


    I don''t know what it is but I am already so appreciative of everything so far. This night could not get any better.


    "Come on," he grabs my hand in his and for the first time in a long time I feel like everything is going to be alright.

 Chapter 21 - Caught.

    Lance.


    I sit down on the blanket, it is very fluffy and comfortable. Ford sits down next to me with a warm smile on his face. He seems very nervous, I can''t blame him. I caused this insecurity that is settling within him. He thinks I am not sure about us, I am one hundred percent sure about us.


    I have to make sure to let him know.


    "So I don''t really know your favourite foods, so I got a little bit of everything." he opens the basket and sure enough it is loaded. There are chicken and fries, club sandwiches, strawberries, apples, cake, two burgers.


    "Sushi?" I ask.


    He blushes. "Isn''t that a bit too fancy?" I continue playfully.


    He reaches for me and I welcome him into my arms. Ford plays the movie and I rest my head on his shoulder. He is a very big guy, so my head fits perfectly in the space between his head and his torso. I don''t mind staying like this for a long time.


    "You know I have never seen this movie before," he mutters as the beginning credits start to show.


    I move away for dramatic effect "You can''t be serious. This is an Adam Sandler classic."


    He chuckles "I am not a fan of Adam Sandler."


    I open my eyes in shock. How can someone not be an Adam Sandler fan? Adam Sandler is awesome. "You must be joking."


    He laughs as the movie starts "Never even seen any of his movies." he blurts out and the shock is still evident on my face. Even though I am taken aback by his sudden unexpected confession, there is a smile on my face. The fact that we are having light conversations in between our movie is perfect.


    I wouldn''t have it any other way.


    The movie continues and we quiet down as it starts to get interesting. The reason why this is my best movie is the fact that Drew Barrymore ends up falling in love with the same man all over again. It is kind of symbolic if you think about it. Someone having amnesia, every single day. The fact that she could find love through that is heartwarming. The movie is based off a true story which makes it all the more romantic. I guess you can say I am a sucker for a good old romance.


    "So, let me get this straight, she doesn''t remember anything when she wakes up?" he asks as we are halfway through the movie.


    "Uh-huh," I put a handful of popcorn into my mouth.


    "So how will that work?"


    I shrug "Watch and see," I hit him playfully on his chest. He rubs the spot with a smile "I hate people that spoil movies. I won''t rob you of the opportunity to find out first."


    He smiles "You are so cute." he leans forward and I stiffen against me. This happens every time he wants to kiss me. It starts with me physically being nervous and then internally my heart reacts to him being so close. His face is so close to mine¡ªwith just one lean forward, I can kiss him. His eyes travel around my feature, the smile still on his face. The movie is still playing but he is focused on me "Can I kiss you?" he whispers so low it almost sounds like the words must''ve hurt.


    I can''t speak, the only thing I can do at this moment as I smell his perfume¡ªhe smells like vanilla and aftershave, is press my lips to his softly. The kiss starts out small, nothing more than an innocent kiss but I feel it the moment it transgresses to more. The moment he pulls me closer to him by my waist, I tremble against him as he slides his tongue into my mouth. He smiles and I feel his teeth against my tongue. His arms are still around my waist and he uses the opportunity to pull me until I am on top on him. He is seated with me placed in between his legs and I feel him hard against me. I am lost in this moment, in this kiss. All thoughts have been thrown out of the window. I push him against the floor and he lies flat on his back still fighting in our kiss. My heart is racing with heavy breaths in between our kiss. We don''t stop for air as he reaches for my shirt. He pulls it over my head and I moan as he bites my lower lips slowly. It feels amazing, my body feels like it is on fire.


    I pull away from the kiss and he groans frustrated, I am not done as I slip in between the crook of his neck and place soft, wet kisses on his neck. He moans out from the pleasure and I continue this until there is a mark on his neck. This is my claim to him, I want the world to know he is mine. I want to shout it out proud.


    I lick the spot one last time and he smiles, with a look that tells me he is heaven on earth.


    I grind into him and the sounds that escape from his lips are ecstatic. Such a turn on. "Don''t stop." he manages in between breaths. The fact that I can feel him against me is giving me more courage. I take off his shirt and he watches me, completely giving me full control of his body. His torso comes into view and I smile a kind of victorious smile, that says ''This man is all mine''. I don''t know how I even got so lucky. How did I get this man to be mine?


    "You are so beautiful," I remark incredulously "And you''re all mine," he smiles as I brush my fingers against his nipples. They are pink and very inviting. Slowly I place my lips on one. Taking it into my mouth. This is new, for me. New and exciting.


    Ford moans underneath me from pure pleasure. I continue with no intention to stop. This is so unlike me, maybe its all the uncertainty in my life. Tonight might be the last time I am alone with him. I might have to fight to convince him to stay with me. I don''t know the outcome of my honesty, but I will tell him everything before the end of the night.


    I am going to be honest.


    ********************


    The date ends without sex, he ends up turning me down. I don''t blame him; he doesn''t want this to be meaningless. His own words, he wants the first time to be when both of us are ready. He seems to think I am not ready; he is scared that I would run away after we have sex. I don''t know how to convince him that I don''t plan on leaving him. We leave the cabin with the memories of a wonderful night and he tells me he has another surprise.


    Surprises erk me.


    I don''t let him know that is how I feel because, at the end of the night, I want this to be perfect. I let him take control of this date because once it is over I plan on telling him what I know.


    "Where are we going?" I ask him another set of curious questions.


    He seems pretty excited for the next surprise and that just makes me all the more curious. The drive is as long as getting to the cabin but once we get to the direction of his house I ask "Are we going to your house?"


    "Yes," his answer is honest but I am freaking out.


    "Is your dad home?"


    He shrugs "Don''t worry about him. Just you wait and see." his expression is excited. I don''t know what is happening and why we need to end the date at his place. I am really self-conscious about going to his place, at least until I have told him the truth. I don''t want to be caught.


    "Can we not go to your place?" he parks his car in front of his house. There is no other car in the driveway except for his. That must mean no one is home. Maybe I should stop worrying like I always do.


    "Why?"


    "Your dad. What if he comes home. I don''t want you worrying about getting caught." I lie. I am not actually thinking about the fact that he doesn''t want anyone to know about him. I am thinking about the fact that I know his father and I will be the one getting caught.


    "You don''t have to worry about that anymore," he gets down from the car. I stay inside, worried out of my mind. This is not the surprise I want. I don''t know what he has planned but it could backfire. I could end up at the short end of the stick for this surprise.


    He walks over to my side and knocks on the window "Come on babe." he urges me.


    My heart is racing "I don''t want to," I shake my head in refusal.


    With creased brows, he opens the door and goes on one knee on the concrete ground. He is worried about me, he knows something is up. This is the time to tell him the truth. There is no point in keeping this anymore. The risks are just too much to continue hiding.


    "I need to tell you something."


    "What is wrong?"


    "There''s something I need to tell you," I take a deep breath "I just found out about it. I promise I didn''t know about it before getting into this," I stutter, already hyperventilating.


    Ford notices the worry from the tone of my voice. He is watching me, waiting for my honesty. I don''t know how to form the words. He can tell this is hard for me.


    "Let''s go in. Take a deep breath and you can talk to me." he brushes his fingers on my cheek gently.


    I obey his words and he smiles, still touching my face "I want to do something, I''m sure this will make things better for us."


    I don''t know what he is talking about. He seems to be really intent on whatever he has planned. As long as his father is not at home, this night could end the way I want it to.


    "Okay," he stands up and I notice that there is a little dirt on his pants. All thanks to me and my dramatic self. We walk into the house hand in hand and I remember, the last time I came here. The last time I was here with him. The first time we met, we met here. This house was the start of all our beautiful memories.


    He leads me to one of the living rooms and I sit down on the couch nervously. Here I am, waiting for the supposed surprise and I cannot figure out what it is. "I''ll be back," he gestures with his hands. He is as nervous as I am, so whatever he is doing must be big.


    I watch him walk out of the room. It takes a while to hear any sounds but the minute I hear footsteps. I stand up from the couch worried. There are murmurs that sound like more than one person. There is someone with him and that makes me freak out. There is no time to escape as they walk into the room and I see John with a confused expression on his face.


    "Lance....what are you doing here?"


    I can''t speak, I wish the ground would just swallow me whole at this moment. I shouldn''t have dragged it. I should''ve told him immediately and now there is no hiding it. The truth is out there and there is nothing I can do.


    Shit.

 Chapter 22 - There Is No Us.

    Lance.


    The moment I was dreading has finally come upon me. John has a confused expression on his face. I don''t belong in this narrative in this moment. I shouldn''t be in his house. He looks like he was expecting someone else.


    "Lance," he calls my name again.


    "Mr Hilly, hi," I run my hands through my hair.


    Ford is watching, he is confused as the smile that was on his face disappears. "How do you two know each other?" Johns asks and suddenly he seems excited by the prospect of us knowing each other.


    He wants us to be friends, he wants us to get along. That has been his wish ever since he met me. We would be good brothers. So now, what do I say to this. How do I explain that I don''t want to be brothers with your son? I love him and want to be with him. All those thoughts are in my head, I can''t dare to say them out loud. It is an abomination; he will never understand.


    "Our schools are next to each other. We''ve been hanging out for a while now." I blurt out the first lie I can come up with. This is the best thing to do for now. Lie as I have been doing since I found out. Ford furrows his brows as his father moves closer to me.


    He pats my shoulder warmly "This is incredible, did you know he was my son?"


    I shake my head "No I didn''t"


    Another lie.


    God, I am on a roll.


    "My son said he wanted to introduce me to someone special. I didn''t know it was you. This makes it better," he faces ford, who still has the dumbfounded expression on his face "This is Mary''s son, Remember I told you about him?"


    I watch ford, hoping he gets himself together. He doesn''t seem to be here in this moment with us. He looks at his father and then switches to me, his eyes roam back and forth.


    "Son."


    He takes a deep breath and sighs finally getting himself "Oh, what are the odds." his voice is stoic and very cold. He is angry, I know him well enough to know that this is making him pissed. He knows now, that I knew and I didn''t tell him. I shouldn''t have dragged this too far. Why did I take it too far, now he will hate me? I doubt he will ever forgive me for this.


    "So, you guys are friends."


    Ive never hated the words friends as much as I do at this moment. I am not his friend. I don''t ever want to be just friends with him. Why does this have to be so hard?


    "Yeah," I answer.


    Ford hisses at the back of his mouth.


    "He''s got to go dad. I''ll walk him out."


    Ford grabs my hand in his and his grip is hard, it hurts but I keep a brave face and a smile "Stay for dinner, I''ll have Louise make something," John urges.


    I groan internally.


    "It''s pretty late. I have to get home and we ate earlier."


    John nods "I didn''t know you were the one, I would''ve prepared for you. Can we have dinner as a family this time? All four of us."


    I manage a nod. Ford is still holding me and as I watch his father leave, I want to leave too as I am not ready to face him and what is about to come. The room is quiet and as he lets go of my arm, I feel empty and alone. There is no redemption from this, no getting out of this.


    "You knew?"


    It is a question but I don''t think he expects an answer from me. I look at him and his head is down. He is more upset that I have ever seen him.


    "Yes."


    He sighs "When?"


    More questions.


    Questions I expected to answer at some point but not like this. I was going to tell him today. I knew he would have questions but now he feels like he is ambushed. He is upset because he was the only one that didn''t know.


    "The day you picked me up."


    "I must be a joke to you."


    I shake my head immediately. He is thinking the wrong way. This isn''t easy on me too.


    "No, I promise that is not what this is about,"


    "Then why didn''t you fucking tell me?" he cries.


    "I was scared."


    He laughs, his laugh is hysterical. Something is going on in his head right now and I can''t seem to read him. What is he thinking? Is he going to give up? I don''t want him to give up, we can still fight for this. We can still work.


    "Let''s go. I''ll drop you home." he walks out of the living room so fast, not even giving me a chance to say anything. I sigh in defeat, because at this moment I feel defeated. I don''t know how to come back from this. I walk out of the house and he is waiting for me in the car. I enter quietly and he starts the drive with the frown still plastered on his face.


    "Can we talk about this, please don''t shut me out."


    I pray silently that he will actually listen to the sound of my voice and realize how sincere I am. This was not planned; I didn''t ask to fall for him. The only mistake I made was keeping this from him. I was going to tell him; I just needed some time.


    "There is nothing to talk about," he breathes out.


    "What are you saying?"


    He looks at me for a second and then back at the road "I can''t do this anymore. We can''t be together anymore," he finalizes.


    "This is unfair."


    "Life is fucking unfair,"


    "We can still try. Maybe if we let them know how we feel, they will accept this. I don''t want to give up on this."


    He looks at me again and then parks the car on the sidewalk. He squeezes the steering wheel a little too tightly.


    "Do you hear yourself?" he asks.


    "I know it sounds impossible but my mother is understanding. She will find a way for this to work."


    He laughs "Do you have any idea the kind of person my father is?"


    I shake my head.


    He laughs again "Nothing I do is ever good enough. He is too selfish to think about anyone but himself. You think he will give up his relationship with your mother because we say we love each other?"


    "He might, we have to give this a shot."


    His breathing becomes heavy as I blurt those words out. Somehow, I have pissed him off even more. He hits the steering wheel roughly a couple of times and then opens the car door and walks out angrily. I didn''t expect it to be easy¡ªwhen he found out but I also didn''t expect it to be this hard. I thought we''d at least be on the same side. Fighting together to make this work, but he has already given up and I can see that.


    I follow him out of the car and he is staring at the cars as the drive past us. I walk until I am close to him and then I reach for him. I place my hand on his shoulder gently and he doesn''t push me away. I can''t see his face, I don''t know what is going on in his head. I don''t know what to do right now.


    "I love you," I sniffle.


    It is painful for me to say. We haven''t said it to each other but I know how I feel. I love this man and I need him to know. The fact that things aren''t going as planned is not the end of the world. If we fight this out, we will win.


    He turns around and there are tears in his eyes. He is crying. This is the way I felt when I found out. It is a natural reaction; to be sad. I am still sad, but i want to be strong for him. I need to convince him that this will work, we have to give it a chance.


    "We can''t do this anymore."


    "Please don''t give up on me right now, I love you and I want to fight for us," I plead with so much desperation.


    "There is no us."


    Those words feel like someone ripped my heart out and crushed it into a million pieces. I feel like I have been murdered from just a few words. Words that I never thought would hurt this much.


    "I know how you feel, I felt the same way, that is why I took so long to come back to you but we can''t give up."


    "Do you think I want to give up. I was going to fucking tell him everything today. That is why I took you home. I was ready to face the consequences. I was ready."


    His words hit me and makes this even harder.


    I am speechless.

 Chapter 23 - Forget The Pain.

    Ford.


    This is the kind of thing that happens to me.


    I am used to disappointments.


    I''ve been disappointed all my life, so this unexpected curve ball is nothing new. What was I even expecting?


    Fall in love and live happily ever after?


    Ha.


    Like that could ever happen to me. Like I would ever be lucky enough. Thinking about the first time I saw him at the party. Thinking about the way my heart raced against my chest, the smile that his uninterested expression brought to my face. A party that I didn''t want to have, a party I was forced to have by people I don''t really care about and then he came like the highlight of the night. The moment he walked through the door, I noticed him. He was with another guy. I was jealous of someone I didn''t know. Now that I think about it, it sounds fucking ridiculous and like a stalker I watched him as the night continued. I followed him to the kitchen, I watched his friend get too close to him and I watched him go up the stairs as they parted ways.


    There I was, following a boy, that I didn''t know and it was exhilarating. I liked that he didn''t look like he enjoyed the scene. He was looking for a room, somewhere quiet. I watched him search all the rooms in my house. This is a typical high school party; he should know that rooms are like heaven for horny high school kids. He would be lucky if he even finds one. He stops in front of my room and a wide smile forms on my face. I am hopeful that no one has turned it to a sex den yet. I silently pray that it is empty and for the first time that night, there is a light in my dark, dark world. Suddenly as he enters my room, I am happy. This is my chance to talk to him.


    He is alone and I can use this opportunity to be alone with him.


    From the moment I met Lance, I was hooked. I knew I would risk it all to be with him. Thinking about it now and all that has happened, can I really say that again? Is it possible to even be with him anymore?


    "What does this mean for us," he asks slowly as I park my car in front of his apartment building. I have been here a couple of times, I have looked forward to coming here numerous times, to see him, kiss him, be with him but now I don''t even know anymore.


    Everything is just messed up.


    It is crazy that I was begging him earlier to fight for us and now I don''t know what to do.


    "There is no us," I cry.


    He sighs "You can''t do this, think about all we have, all we could have. Are you ready to let it go?" he grabs my arm and I stiffen from his touch "I love you Ford,"


    He is the only one that calls me Ford. Ford is my middle name, no one calls me that except him. Maybe this was me wanting to be someone else, he saw the sides of me no one has ever seen and I craved the attention he gave me. I liked the feelings that engulf me when I am with him. I don''t want to let go of him but I have no choice. Today when I brought him home, I wanted to show my dad my true self because I was ready to lose everything to be with him. No one would understand. My father would''ve never accepted me, I know that much but I wanted to prove to Lance that I was legit about everything. I was ready to show him all my vulnerability.


    Now that is a bust, I failed because of things I was unaware of. I am not even angry that he kept this from me. I am just disappointed and sad that this is the kind of thing would only happen to me.


    "We can''t be," I breathe out exasperated.


    His hand is still on my arm, it doesn''t seem like he wants to let go. I don''t want him to let go. Letting go means saying goodbye and I am not ready to say goodbye. I might act like this is easy but it is breaking me.


    "It''s not fair," he cries.


    He has been repeating that all night. Nothing is ever fair; I have gotten used to not expecting things my way. Life has curve balls and when they hit you, you can either remain flat or get back up. At this point I don''t even know if I am standing tall or completely crushed.


    Thinking about this situation from the bigger picture. I will always be reminded of what we could have been. Am I just to accept him as my brother now? Does this even make any sense?


    "I''m sorry, I really am," I reach for his arm still on mine and pull it off slowly. He watches me with a sad expression on his face. I look at him and all that he is and hate that I can''t explore this world with him. I can''t go on dates with him, we can''t fall in love, we can''t be happy.


    All because of the man that I call my father. This is all his fault; I know he doesn''t have a clue about anything that is happening but the hatred I feel for him, lets me put all the blame on him.


    "I won''t let you go. I swear to God Ford, I won''t let you go," he opens the door of my car and runs out. I don''t go after him because there is nothing I can do at this moment. I have to let him go; this isn''t meant to be.


    Once I see him enter the building, I drive off. This is really difficult for me, I basically just said goodbye to the only person I want to hold unto forever. Lance is the only person I want to be with. I drive until I get to the gay bar, I frequent most times. It is a far distance from my house. Here, no one knows who I am, it is called ''FuN & Games.


    This is not my first time here. I come here to be a different person and it always works. I am defeated right now. I cannot win. Everything I do, I end up losing. The Bouncer opens the door for me without any query. He pats my back softly "Here for some fun mate?" he asks me with his British accent.


    "You can say that," I answer him as I enter the dim lit bar.


    The neon lights blink continuously and I adjust my eyes to get used to it. The place is packed. There are people on the dance floor. This is a place where there is no judgement. I am free to be whoever I want to be. Every one is the same. We are all free of the cruel, cruel world out there.


    I go over to the bar and there is a guy seated next to me. I see him watching me. I know the kind of appeal I have, so this is not a surprise. This is not a first.


    "What would you like?" the bartender asks me with a flirty smile.


    "A rum and coke."


    I watch him mix the drink and as I grab the glass from him and down in down in one go all my worries slowly dissipate. For the moment, I forget about everything. I push all the pain to the back of my head. I don''t want to think about him right now.. I want to forget it all with this drink and the many more I will have tonight.

 Chapter 24 - Forget It All With Me.

    Lance.


    "The wedding is set for August."


    Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. That is two months from now. I don''t want to react because I am still in pain. My heart is still heavy from all that has happened. This is too much to handle and she has no idea.


    "Cool," I mutter the only word I can part with.


    "John said you came over last night, I didn''t know you knew Brad."


    I frown "His name is Ford."


    I don''t want to know him as Brad. Brad is John''s son. Ford could be anyone I want him to be. I hate this, I hate this so much. I hate the fact that I can''t be with him. At this point, I have to figure out how I plan to convince him that this will work. He seems to think, this is the end for us but I am optimistic. I am going to fight for him. I will make sure that I get him back.


    ''''Oh, I didn''t know that, is that his middle name. Is that what you call your new brother?'''' there is a gleam in her eyes.


    It is irritating the fuck out of me.


    ''''I don''t know,'''' I stand up from the table ''''I''m done eating,'''' I push the plate closer to her and walk out of the house. I don''t wait for her reply. I need to get some air.


    I don''t go to Jack''s apartment, I just need some space to breathe. Think about what I am going to do next. How I am going to figure all this shit out. So I go to the only place I know I can get that¡ªthe roof of the building. The last time I went there, I got high and also met someone nice. Patrick, I remember the smile he kept on his face. He was so inviting, it felt good to actually be listened to.


    When I get to the roof, it is empty. I was kinda hoping he''d be there but it''s not like he is always there. I look out at the dark sky and my heartaches. I don''t understand all that is happening. I am so sure that I love him but I am still young, it is not like I am a hundred percent sure that our relationship will last forever. If I think about this from another perspective, I can say this is not a sure thing. Mom loves John, she wants to spend the rest of her life with the man. That is surer than my relationship with Ford. This is still new, it''s still fresh and unsure.


    Yes, we met, we fell in love but what if it doesn''t last.


    ''''We meet again,'''' I turn around swiftly and notice him. The person I was hoping to see. He has a smile on his face, which makes his dimples highlight. Patrick walks over to me and stops just an inch away from me ''''This has suddenly become our spot,'''' he winks.


    I blush.


    ''''You okay?" he asks almost like he can sense that something is wrong,


    I remain quiet. I don''t have the answer to that question. A lot is going on in my head. I am in mental pain and I don''t know what to do about it.


    "Do you ever wish you could just disappear?" I ask instead.


    He looks away from me and to the sky "All the time," his voice is low. His answer is quick and there is a seriousness to his tone. He didn''t even have to think about it.


    "When I have thoughts like that, I try to do stuff that makes me forget about it. What do you do for fun," he is watching me again? His eyes are a piercing. They suck me in a weird way.


    "Video games," that is the only thing I can think of.


    He chuckles "You know I knew you were a gamer the first time I saw you. What games do you play?" he points at me as he speaks.


    I smile "Fortnite, call of duty, a couple others."


    He nods "I have no idea what those are but right now if you play let''s say call of duty, would It make you feel better?"


    I think about it for a second. I don''t feel like playing video games. I don''t even have the energy to play a game. Playing a game right now will remind me of him and at this moment, I want to forget about him. Just for a moment.


    "No."


    "You want to know what I do?"


    I nod as he moves even closer and slings his arm over my shoulder. I freeze because this is the first contact we''ve had. This really handsome man is touching me.


    "I could show you?" there is a gleam in his eyes, almost like he is excited to show me something that is special to him.


    "Okay."


    ***************


    We climb the stairs all the way to the last floor, we get to the underground parking lot of the building and he smiles mischievously "You are in for a treat," he exclaims excitedly.


    "What is it?" I ask him curiously.


    "Youll see,"


    We keep walking until we get to the end of the garage and that''s when I see what he is talking about.


    "A bike, really?"


    He nods and brings out a bung of keys from his pocket "It helps with my anxiety. I am sure you will feel the same when you get on it."


    I shake my head immediately "There is no way I am getting on that. It is a death trap."


    He chuckles "You can''t be serious. You fight bad guys in your games all the time. Don''t tell me you are scared of a motorcycle," he says like he almost can''t believe it.


    I have never been on one before. This is the first time I am even seeing one so up-close "That is just make-believe," I graze my fingers on the body of the bike and he smiles warmly.


    "Come on dude, give it a shot. I will ride carefully."


    I sigh.


    At this point, I want to give this a shot. I want to be brave for once in my life. This should give me the courage I need to fight for Ford. If that even makes any sense. With a loud breath of defeat "Fine, let''s do this but just so you know, if you end up killing me, I will hunt you for the rest of your life,"


    He laughs so hard that I wonder if I was even funny in the first place "We die together," he crosses his fingers and I watch him as he gets on the bike. He puts on his helmet and reaches for another strapped under. With his helmet on, he passes it to me "Come on chicken bits."


    Chicken bits?


    That doesn''t even make any sense but I end up smiling sheepishly, like some fool. I collect the helmet from him but somehow it is difficult to strap it in "How do you do this?"


    He gestures for me to come closer and I obey him. With a swift movement, he succeeds in getting it buckled "Now hop on for the ride of your life."


    His words give me chills, so simple but also exciting. Slowly I get on the bike and he starts the ignition. Once I hear the revving of the engine, my heart races. Patrick reaches for my hands and pulls them closer until they are around his waist "Just hold on tightly," he warns me.


    I squeeze the ends of his jacket tightly and he laughs "It''ll be fine," he assures me and I believe him completely. This is someone I just met and it feels like I have known him all my life. There is just something about him that pulls me into his orbit. He invites me without even any uncertainty.


    "Here we go." I feel the motorcycle move and my heart races.


    I am excited to explore this journey with him. This is a first for me and there is an eagerness in me as he moves slowly. I know he is taking it easy on me but his pace quicken as the fresh air hits me and trickles the back of my neck. There is certain adrenalin as he goes even faster and I don''t even know when I start to scream excitedly at the top of my lungs. The speed carries my cries and I feel like a weight is being lifted off my chest.


    For the first time today, I don''t think about Ford. I don''t think about all the feelings deep within.


    I forget all my pain.

 Chapter 25 - Missing Him Alone

    Lance.


    "Who is this Patrick guy I keep hearing about?" jack asks with an eye roll. We are in school in the library. We are supposed to be studying but all he wants to do is talk about my new friend.


    After our ride together, he got us back home safely and strangely I felt a lot better. I haven''t seen Ford since he decided that he wasn''t going to fight for us. I haven''t given up. The distance between us is the only thing that is keeping my strength. I don''t know how I will react to see him again.


    ''''Nobody.''''


    ''''He''s not nobody, suddenly there is some strange guy following you around. Don''t you think it is weird?''''


    ''''He is not following me around,'''' I dismiss his weird thoughts.


    ''''He is, he came from nowhere and what are the odds that he lives in our building. How come I have never seen him before?''''


    I shrug and turn the pages of my biology textbook. Jack doesn''t understand what I am going through. He will never understand the immense pain I am in. My heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. I might sound dramatic but I am broken. I loved and lost at the same time.


    That shit hurts and Patrick is somehow helping me but the pieces of my heart back together. I am not suspicious of him because he hasn''t given me any reason to be suspicious. He is a nice guy; he is funny and he makes me feel better.


    ''''I need to meet him.''''


    I look away from him and Eren chooses this moment to sit down next to jack ''''Meet who?'''' he asks.


    ''''No one,'''' I answer immediately.


    Jack is being his overprotective self, the fact that he didn''t even pester to meet Ford surprises me. He thinks I am too gullible to tell when someone is shady. There is nothing shady about Patrick. I am not saying he is perfect but he has helped me twice and I am eternally grateful to him.


    ''''Oh, I see you guys are keeping things from me,'''' Eren says as he brings out his textbook from his bag. We have a free period and we usually use our free periods to study. A week has passed since I last saw Ford and I miss him so much. There is an empty feeling within me, something is not right and my body knows it too. I haven''t been eating well, sleep is unstable. I am just exhausted and I can''t talk to anyone about how I am feeling. Jack seems to think the best thing I can do is try to move on from Ford but he doesn''t understand how hard that would be. It is not as easy as he thinks. I tried for a week, a week without him and I feel this bad. How do I stand a month, two years? When I close my eyes, I see his face, his smile.


    When they get married, I will have to see him every day. I will look at him and get a reminder of what we lost. How am I supposed to handle that? No one understands that; not even jack.


    ''''No one is keeping anything from you. Jack is just being stupid.''''


    He chuckles and jack hits my shoulder playfully.


    The rest of the day is spent studying and in classes. After school me and Jack head on home, in his car. The drive is quick and we don''t talk about anything in particular. Once home and inside my house, I see mom in the living room. The Tv is off, and she using her laptop on the couch. She looks up with a smile when she notices me.


    ''''Hey, how was school?'''' she asks.


    I shrug and place my backpack on the floor near the front door. I walk over to the fridge and grab a can of soda from it.


    ''''So Brad is coming over in about an hour?''''


    I freeze at her words. Shocked that she would even say that. I don''t want to see him yet. I am not ready to face him. I don''t know how I will act. How am I supposed to act in that situation? I haven''t seen him in a week.


    ''''Why?''''


    ''''There''s a fitting for this evening with John''s personal tailor. I asked him to tag you along.''''


    ''''I am not going. I don''t need fittings. Since when do we have fittings?'''' I shake my head as I walk in the direction of my room. She didn''t ask me, she just made that decision on her own. This is the one thing about my mom that I hate. The fact that she doesn''t even carry me along, she thinks I will just do whatever she says without my own voice.


    That is bullshit.


    ''''Lance,'''' she calls my name and I stop in front of the dor. Her tone is firm. This happens a lot. She thinks she can just change the tone of her voice and I will cower weakly.


    No way.


    ''''I am not going,'''' I walk into my room and close the door loudly. I know she is going to come into my room. I don''t have a lock because of this one reason. I always hide in my room when I don''t want to do things, so she ended up removing my lock. Now, the only thing I can do is close the fucking door.


    Like a child.


    I jump on my bed and cover the duvet over my head. I hear the door open, I hear her footsteps as she walks into my room ''''Get up and talk to me,'''' she pleads.


    ''''I don''t want to,'''' I say over the covers.


    Her sigh is loud ''''Please.''''


    I pull the covers slowly and she is watching me sadly ''''Can we talk?''''


    I nod and sit up on the bed. Already feeling like shit for treating her so badly. She hasn''t done anything. She doesn''t even know about me and Ford¡ªor Brad. She is getting married. This is an exciting time for her and here I am being the grinch. Okay, maybe not the grinch but a spoilsport.


    ''''I''m sorry,'''' I apologise.


    She runs her fingers through her hair ''''Is something wrong. You have been acting really weird these past few days. I need you to talk to me.''''


    ''''I''m fine.''''


    She sighs again ''''Is this about John...do you think he doesn''t like you?'''' she asks. Frankly, I haven''t cared about his opinion of me. Ford has been scared to come out of the closet to him, does that mean he is a homophobe, will he accept me?


    ''''Have you told him that I am gay?''''


    ''''Yes, The next day after you told me. I needed to make sure he didn''t have a problem with it. I wasn''t going to marry someone that didn''t accept my son.''''


    ''''And?'''' I ask her.


    She smiles ''''He wants to get closer to you. He wants to be a good father to you.'''' I don''t think John said things in those words but how do I hate him now? He seems like the perfect person for her. ''''Give him a chance please.''''


    I have no choice but to do this for her. I have no choice but to agree to this fitting date. I am not ready to see Ford, I hate that I have to meet up with him for this circumstance. I want to see him but not for something that will remind us of the big elephant in the room. The fact that we are going to get suits for this wedding is the biggest blocker.


    He wouldn''t even give me a chance after this. He will withdraw further from me, he will use this as a reason why we can''t be anything. This will be the breaking point for us.


    I have to do this because I have no choice.


    My mother needs my support but that doesn''t mean I don''t want to fight even harder.


    I want him so badly and I have to try my best.


    There is no letting go of him.


    No way in hell.

 Chapter 26 - The Fitting.

    Ford


    I miss him.


    I miss him so badly and even though I will be seeing him today, it doesn''t feel as good as it should. I brought him home and now my father thinks we are such good friends. There is no need for introductions. ''His two sons are already getting along''


    Those were his own words.


    He hasn''t been able to shut about his new son. There is excitement in his eyes whenever he talks about Lance. He hasn''t even focused on the one he has and he is talking about a new son. I don''t want Lance to be my brother, I want him to be my boyfriend. I want him to be my lover and then I want him to be my husband. How do I make that happen now that there is a wedding in weeks?


    I park my car in front of his building and memories flood in. The fact that I have been here so many times and every time I wait for him outside, my heart races. This time will be different. We broke up the last time I saw him. I told him some harsh words and he left with the notion that he was going to keep fighting for us. A part of me wants to see how far he will go to be with me.


    There is a part of me that is weak for him. Maybe if he fights hard enough, I will muster up the courage to leave everything behind for him.


    We can say fuck it to everyone.


    Give everything up for each other.


    Is it possible?


    I see him as he comes out of the entrance of his building. He is dressed in a pair of shorts with rainbow stripes and a plain black shirt. His sneakers are Adidas, these are the same ones he always wears. They are old and very worn in. His hair is messy today, almost like he just ran his fingers through them. His eyes roam around in search of me and when he sees me, a faint smile forms on his lips. I almost didn''t catch the smile but I know every nook and cranny of his face. I have watched him awake and asleep. This is the love of my life. Slowly, he walks over to my car and I get down from it and walk over to him. He stops in front of me but this time he is no longer smiling. There is a blank expression on his face, he is hiding his true feelings.


    I know what he is thinking.


    He is happy to see me, just as I am with him.


    It has been a long-ass week.


    Without him, my week went by so fucking slowly. As each day passed, I wished it would go faster. There is something no one knows. I smile all the time, so no one knows the thoughts running through my head. The demons that I am fighting. They are all hidden deep within.


    I don''t plan on showing them to anyone.


    I will let them stay hidden until they can no longer stand the depths of my mind. Until they fight their way out and I can no longer hide it. Before I met Lanis, those demons came out. They came out so fast and unexpected and hit me like a ton of bricks.


    He put them back in and now he is no longer mine. I don''t know how long it''ll take. I don''t know if they will come out again but I am scared for their visit. I need him in my life. I know I can''t have him the way I want to, I don''t know any other way to have him.


    We stay in silence for God knows how long. I don''t know what to say. I am so nervous because I just want to pull him into my arms and kiss him. I miss his lips on mine. I miss his touch. Why is he so close to me but it feels like he is a million miles away from me? It is taking a lot of restraint to keep this much distance from him.


    ''''Hi,'''' he says finally.


    I take a deep breath because this is the moment, where I reply to him. Say hi back. It is just a normal conversation starter but I can''t speak. I don''t know how to form the words anymore. ''''Should we go?'''' he says finally.


    I nod and walk over to the driver side of the car. He enters the car and I do the same. This is ridiculous, I can''t even talk to him. How am I suppose to spend the rest of the day with him? Father wants him to come over for dinner later¡ªafter the fitting. How am I supposed to act normally through all this, when I am so sad at the moment.


    ''''You can just act like there is nothing between us,'''' he says calmly.


    He is too calm.


    I hate that he is so calm.


    I want him to freak out like I am doing right now.


    ''''Are things normal between us?'''' I ask.


    He sighs ''''The word normal makes no sense. Nothing is normal between anyone, so yeah, we are all a little abnormal,'''' he smiles and his white teeth shines brightly.


    Fucking hell, what is he doing to me?


    The drive is quiet and when we get to the store he finally speaks up ''''Holy shit, we are in front of Lorenzo,'''' he exclaims.


    I get the excitement; this is one of the best designer stores. Getting an appointment with Lorenzo himself is impossible but father always gets the impossible. The fact that Lorenzo Leaz will be doing the fitting himself is the icing on the cake. I can see why he would react this way. For anyone other than me, this is exciting but I have never cared about material things. I don''t care that my father can solve all his problems with the money he has. I don''t care that he can ruin anyone because of the money he has. All those things don''t wow me. I don''t give a shit about them. I wish I had my freedom. I wish I didn''t have to play basketball; I wish my future wasn''t already mapped out for me.


    I wish I could be who I really want to be.


    I wish I could say the words ''I like boys'' out loud.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I fake a smile and he jolts out of the car. He seems to have forgotten why we are in front of Lorenzo. The fact that he is here to get a suit for a wedding that is keeping us apart.


    Fuck.


    I follow him into the building and once inside his eyes open in awe of the place and the clothes hanging on racks and mannequins. Nothing is less than a thousand bucks here¡ªexcept maybe cufflinks. It surprises me that people will come to this kind of place and spend so much money on a suit or shoes when there are people on the streets that don''t even have a full day''s meal. This life isn''t balanced and it is really unfair.


    A lady dressed in a tight black skirt and a white button-up shirt walks over to us with a smile ''''You must be Mr Hilly, Mr Leaz is waiting for you at the back,'''' she is holding a clipboard. This is not the first time I have been here, other times I have come here, I came with father but now I am here with Lance and I wish I wasn''t.


    The situation is maddening, I still can''t wrap my head around it.


    we walk to the back of the store and Lance quiets down. I don''t know if he is pretending to be excited about this or he really is but when he sees Lorenzo Leaz his smile is as big as the moon.


    "You are Lorenzo Leaz," he exclaims in shock.


    The man in his sixties smiles warmly as he reaches for his hand "Nice to meet you, Lance. John has told me everything I need to know about you."


    I roll my eyes because John doesn''t even know Lance. No one knows that he is not materialistic. He doesn''t care about fancy clothes or shoes. He is not that kind of person.


    "I see you on Fashionista weekly all the time." he shakes Lorenzo.


    "Oh, I didn''t know you were a fan."


    Lance chuckles "My mom is a fan. I am just a forced watcher."


    There we go.


    "How are you doing Brad?" he turns to me and they both look at me, waiting for an answer. I don''t want to pretend that I am interested in a conversation right now but this is not Lorenzo''s fault. This is all my fault. I shouldn''t have agreed to do this. I should have refused my father''s request.


    "I am great." I fake a smile and he is satisfied with my answer.


    "So, how excited are the both of you. A wedding is the most beautiful ceremony. You must be happy for your parents."


    We both look at each other at a loss for words. This is the most frustrated I have ever been. I am not excited. I am not looking forward to their union.


    I hate this.

 Chapter 27 - You Know You Want Me Too

    Lance.


    So far, I have been great at pretending to be okay. Hiding my true feelings is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It is obvious that Ford doesn''t want to be here with me.


    His expression says it all.


    I don''t have to have a high IQ to know.


    We are both here against our own wills. He said we can''t be anything and I want to fight for him. I want to convince him that this can work. We are not living our lives for anyone but ourselves. We have to do what will make us happy and being with him makes me the happiest I have ever been.


    I can''t let go of that.


    I don''t even plan on letting him go.


    "So, you try it on in the dressing room," Lorenzo tells me with a warm smile as he hands me a couple of suits on hangers. So, I have to try them on, see which fits and goes well. I nod as I collect the clothes "I will be right back," he winks and walk out of the room.


    Ford is seated on the brown leather couch and he seems to be engrossed to his phone. Jealousy seeps through my skin as he laughs at something.


    "Where is the dressing room?"


    He looks up from his phone at my question, he sizes up the clothes that I am carrying "Just that door over there," he points to one of the doors with his phone.


    I nod and walk into the dressing room; it is very tiny with a very large mirror on plastered to the wall. My reflection springs up on me and I groan at how horrible I look. On a normal day, I wouldn''t care about my appearance but if this is what Ford sees when he looks at me, then I am not surprised that he doesn''t want to be with me.


    My hair is a mess on my head. I cannot even remember the last time I even put a comb through it. There are dark circles around my eyes, from all the thinking and not sleeping. My clothes are rumpled, what made me think leaving my house like this was a good idea. The difference between the two of us, even though we are both going through this, he still looks beautiful.


    His hair is still beautiful, everything is beautiful about him.


    I put on the first one and it looks normal to me. I don''t know anything about suits. This is a first for me "Ford," I call his name.


    "Yeah," he shouts back through the door.


    "I need some help," I mutter. This is a chance to be alone with him, in this enclosed space. I really want the opportunity to hold him in my arms, even if it is just one last time.


    "Come out,"


    I groan out loud because he is being difficult. Maybe this is just me wanting to be selfish "I can''t, just come in."


    I see the handle of the door turn and my heart races in my chest. Slowly his head peers into the tiny room and I smile as I stretch my arms out for him to get a better view of the suit. He raises a brow still watching me, unsure if he should enter.


    "How is it?"


    He comes into the room at my question and I watch him close the door softly. Okay, so now we are alone. This is good, this is what I wanted. His scent fills me in completely, the cologne he uses, that I have gotten accustomed to. His eyes dart around as his lips tilt upwards "It is too big."


    I turn away from him and face the mirror again. I can''t even tell, honestly, I don''t care. To me, it looks okay.


    "Are you sure?"


    Before I know it, his body is pressed to mine. He is way closer than I ever even imagined. His chest rises and falls slowly against my back and my heart fights for more from him.


    I stiffen against him because I don''t know how to act right now "It should be a little tighter around here," his fingers rest on the sleeves of the jacket and slightly, I mean almost unnoticeably, he touches my wrist. His movement is intentional, he is doing this intentionally "And here," he grabs the white shirt around my waist and his palm rests on it. He is watching me; I can see him through the mirror. I don''t know what he wants me to do but he doesn''t want to let go of me.


    This is an opportunity, an opportunity to make him falter on his words. He doesn''t want us to try, he said there is no us but I can fight his fears and win. He needs to know what he will be missing if he lets go of me. I reach for his hand, which is still on me and grab unto him. I am not as gentle as him, this is not a test run for me. I know what I want and I want him, I want all of him.


    Still holding unto him, I turn around until I am facing him with my face just an inch apart from him. His breaths become heavy; his eyes are boring into my soul right now. I can tell a lot from looking into his eyes. This is very hard for him, but I need to make the moves. He will not refuse me.


    Slowly with my other hand, I reach for his face. With a deep breath, he closes his eyes, unable to look at me anymore. This is what I wanted when I asked him to come into the dressing room. I wanted to see his weakness, I wanted him to fall to prey.


    "What are we doing?" he breathes out huskily.


    My fingers play around with the smoothness of his face, from his cheek to his lips. His pink luscious lips are beneath my fingers, begging for more.


    "I don''t know," I sigh defeatedly.


    I am waiting to see if he will fight against this. I won''t force anything that he doesn''t want. I want him to want me. This has to be both sided.


    "I miss your lips on mine," I cry. My voice is unrecognizable to me. This is not something I am usually good at. I am not the forward type. I don''t seduce people.


    With his eyes closed, he bends his neck backwards and I reach for it and pull him closer. I rest my nose on his and my lips touch his "Tell me you want this to. Please."


    He sighs against me "We can''t do this," his words are saying something different from his actions. His words are fighting him but his actions crave all that is happening.


    "I know."


    Our lips are already touching, I want him to make the first move. I want him to kiss me. I can''t do it if he is still unsure. I need his consent. Come on Ford. You know you want this.


    "I should go," he takes a step away from me.


    No, please no.


    He is stronger than I am. this is hard for him but he is fighting and winning. I can''t let him win but there is nothing I can do. I can''t force him to kiss me, there is no convincing him. He lets go of me and walks over to the door "You should try the others and pick the one you want to wear, so he can work with it."


    He is still in front of the door and I wait for him to leave. This is what he wants so I have no willpower right now to persuade him. A couple of seconds pass and he doesn''t move. He doesn''t open the door; I wait for him to leave but he stays in place with his back facing me.


    He is resisting.


    "Ford," I call his name out.


    Suddenly he turns around and pushes me to the wall. I hit the mirror hard but I don''t check as he smashes his lips against mine. There is nothing gentle about the kiss. He kisses me with so much force that I have to push him to get air. I slide my tongue into him and he welcomes it by rubbing his against mine. All the butterflies, the electricity, the tension between us; I feel it. I feel everything that tells me that fighting for this is worth it. I will not lose anything if I decide to be with him, but I will lose everything if I let go of him.


    He presses his body in between my legs and I wrap my arms around his neck. We continue kissing, no one wants to let go. If I die in his arms right now, I will die happy. The fact that I got to spend my last moment with him would be everything I ever wanted.


    "Mr Hilly," Lorenzo''s voice breaks the heaven I am in.


    Ford pulls away from me so fast that he hits his arm on the door "Fuck," he shouts out in pain.


    "Are you okay in there?" The old man calls out.


    Shit.

 Chapter 28 - Love Is Never Enough

    Lance.


    What an ice breaker.


    Lorenzo Leaz will forever be known as the cockblocker.


    "We''re fine," I call out before Ford loses his mind. I can see the terror in his eyes. He doesn''t want to get caught. We were almost caught and to me, it is fucking exciting.


    "You were helping me with my clothes," I whisper to him. This is my way of telling him that this secret is safe with me. He has nothing to worry about. We kissed, yes but it doesn''t mean I want to shout it out to the world. I need him to accept this first before I pressure him on anything else.


    He moves away from me and I walk out of the dressing room "So, I choose this one."


    I don''t bother with the other clothes because I don''t give a shit. I am not interested in this wedding and I am sure Lorenzo can make this look good "Oh, the perfect choice," he exclaims as Ford walks out of the dressing room.


    His cheeks are red, he is embarrassed and I love this look on him. Lorenzo doesn''t notice anything.


    "Step on this, let me take your exact measurement," he points to the stepping stone. I climb on it as Ford goes back to the couch. He resumes on his phone and I am yet again staring at another mirror.


    Can this just end?


    **************


    I didn''t agree for a dinner date with his family but he didn''t make it seem like I have a say in it. It was more like an order. You''re coming home with me cause my dad wants to have dinner with you.


    He is acting as nothing happened.


    Like he didn''t just kiss the life out of me.


    I keep thinking about that kiss and he seems to want to forget about it. I can''t just erase that beautiful memory from my head and I don''t think he should too. It is stupid to think we can pretend. Hide the way we feel about each other. There is a pull that he is trying to deny and I don''t want to do that. It is not good for my health.


    ''''Can we talk about what happened?'''' I decide to bring it up because he wouldn''t and I need him to acknowledge this.


    ''''Nothing happened,'''' he shakes his head as he turns the steering wheel to the direction he is driving to.


    ''''You know that is not true. We need to talk about it,'''' I am being persistent. This is the only way I know how to handle this. I will be the fighter of this relationship. I will be the glue that will hold us together.


    ''''What is the point?'''' he sighs.


    I knew this was going to happen. What was I thinking? Did I think he would just accept me after one measly kiss? I mean I could dream but Ford is scared and he doesn''t love me enough to fight. This thing between us is new, it is easy to walk away from. He is letting go of us before we can bloom.


    ''''We love each other,'''' I remind him.


    He laughs ''''Love is never enough.''''


    I furrow my brows ''''Why not?''''


    Love should be enough but he doesn''t think so. Why doesn''t he think so?


    ''''Because our parents are getting married. They love each other too,'''' he brings up the two people I want to forget.


    ''''We are not blood-related,'''' I remind him.


    ''''It doesn''t matter.''''


    ''''Yes, it does. We don''t have to live together as brothers. I don''t want to be your brother. I can tell my mother. We can find a way to make this work. I don''t want to give up on us.'''' the desperation is clear in my voice.


    ''''Does that even make sense to you.''''


    As usual, ford is being the rational one and somehow, I am the senseless one at this moment. I know it will be hard. I know we might not be accepted but we need to try.


    ''''Yes.''''


    He laughs ''''My father will send me away. If I tell him about this, he will make sure we don''t see each other. We will never see each other again. Will you prefer that?''''


    I remain quiet because there are no words that I can utter out of my mouth that will make him understand. He is living in fear and now I understand him. He doesn''t want to lose me. He would rather have me by his side than not have me at all.


    "Why are you so scared of him?" that is the only question I can ask.


    He sighs but doesn''t answer my question. I see the look on his face. There is more to this his fear. Something that he doesn''t want to tell me. I can''t push it out of him. He has to tell me on his own, will he ever want to tell me?


    He stops the car and I look straight ahead and realize that we are at his house. I don''t know how long we were in the car but it seems like only seconds passed by. Now I have to go into this house and pretend that everything is okay. It is not so easy for me because I am so used to being honest and upfront about everything in my life. I don''t know how to lie, I hate being or acting like someone I am not but now he expects me to just do this like it is nothing.


    "Come on," he gets down from the car, not even waiting for me.


    I watch him as he enters the house unsure of my next move. We kissed; it was a great kiss but now he wants me to forget it like it didn''t happen...again. I am tired of trying to forget. I stay in the car deep in thought. I have to come up with a plan. Mom is getting married to John. There is no escaping that. That is inevitable. So there has to be a way to be with Ford. I can talk to my mother. She is considerate, sensible. I''m sure she will understand. If I talk to her, she will likely talk to john about it. That could make my relationship with him worse.


    My phone vibrates in my pocket and I reach for it to see a call from Patrick. We exchanged numbers after the last time and we have been communicating since. Jack seems to think he is suspicious. He just doesn''t like the fact that I made a new friend.


    "Hello," I smile into the phone.


    "I''m at our spot and it seems a little lonely," he breathes into my ear. His voice is low and mesmerizing.


    "Our spot?"


    "Yeah, you know. The air is so nice today."


    I smile "I''m actually out right now."


    "Oh, with the person you''re not supposed to be with?"


    I nod until I realize he can''t see me "Yeah. How are you today?"


    "Is it weird that I keep thinking about you?"


    I blush because it almost sounds like he is flirting. "Kinda," I answer him honestly.


    He laughs "I was thinking, do you wanna hang out this weekend, Like a movie or something?"


    It''s normal to hang out with friends. He is a friend, right?


    "Like a date?"


    He laughs and it is contagious because I end up chuckling with him "Not a date. I promise this is not a date. You''re a cool guy and we get along pretty well. There''s a new movie out and I was just looking for someone to see it with." he pauses and I wait for him to continue "There is nothing weird about this. I promise" he settles finally.


    I manage a smile because there is no harm in making a new friend. He seems lonely and I don''t mind being the company he needs. After all, he has helped me a lot.


    "Sure. Text me the details."


    "Great. We can talk about today when we meet up if you want to."


    He is talking about me and Ford. We haven''t gone into details with everything but he has been there for me and I don''t mind sharing more with him. He is a new friend and he makes me feel better. I just have to get through tonight with his father.


    "Sure. I have to go now."


    "Okay," he ends the call and I look at the house again with steady breaths. I am still in his car because I am nervous.


    Slowly I get down from the car and walk into the house. Ford is waiting for me at the entrance. He is seated on a little chair by the corner of the front door. His hands are covering his face. He looks up slowly when he sees me and manages a smile. The smile is fake, it is fucking forced. I can read him so well and I know this is beating him up badly.


    I walk until I am in front of him and he watches me. Taking heavy breaths. I reach for his face and he doesn''t try to push my hand away. His eyes are moist, he is fighting off tears. I don''t want him to cry right now. I can''t stand it.


    What do I do now?

 Chapter 29 - With A Heavy Heart.

    Ford.


    I don''t know what to do.


    I am exhausted.


    He sees right through me.


    He knows that this is not just about us but I can''t say anything to him. Lance is a dramatic person. He will blow whatever I tell him out of proportion. I can''t be completely honest with him because I don''t want to involve him in this.


    We kissed.


    It was the best kiss I have ever had.


    Every kiss with him is the best kiss and now he wants to act like everything is cool. Suddenly we can be together again. I have to pretend. I have to act like this is not eating me up because I have to be the resistant one. Lance doesn''t care about the outcome of our relationship. The only thing he cares about is being with me. So, I have to be the sensible one. The downer. I hate this so much but there is nothing I can do. I am living my life for my father and no one else. I can''t make choices on my own.


    The only thing I can wait for is the day that I am finally free from him. As long as I am underage and, in his house, I have to follow his rules.


    I walk into the house knowing full well that he is not following me. After our conversation, I need to give him time to breathe. I walk into the front door and it is quiet. Quiet like it always is. This house is like a prison to me, the walls keep getting smaller as I get older and I cannot wait to escape.


    I sit on the chair and suddenly everything comes rushing down. What will happen if I choose to be selfish? The more time I spend with him, the more I want to give up and just say fuck it to everything.


    My heart is heavy. This is another panic attack. It happens a lot and I don''t want him to see me like this. As the dark thoughts all run through my head, my breathing becomes heavier. I feel like I can''t breathe. I cover my face with my hands to block out the light. Dad is not home yet, his car was not in the driveway, so I have some time to get over this shit I am going through.


    I hear the door open. I know he is the one. I can feel his presence which makes me look up slowly. He is as beautiful as I left him. The fact that he doesn''t have to try so hard and he looks this good to me is admirable. He doesn''t know it and I am glad he doesn''t know how great he is because once he does. I will have to share him.


    I want him all to myself and he is not even mine in the first place. The moment he gives up on me. I don''t know what I will do.


    Suddenly I can''t control my emotions. I don''t know what to think, how to act. I want to crawl into bed and just stay there for the rest of the evening. He walks over to me, his expression full of pity. I don''t want him to pity me, but I also want him closer. He reaches for me and I don''t stop him, I want his touch.


    "What is wrong?" he asks me warmly.


    I manage another smile because that is all I can do. My eyes well up. I feel too much all at once. He slides his hand down my face and rests it on my cheek. His touch is everything to me. I want more. This is not enough and we both know it.


    "I''m fine."


    I lie.


    I am not fine.


    "I hate that this is happening. I hate that I can''t make you feel better. I wish things didn''t have to be this way. This is all my fault. "


    He is taking the blame for all this when it is not his fault. I went after him the first time I met him. If I didn''t go after him, nothing would''ve happened. So this is actually my fault. I am the cause of all this.


    "It''s not your fault."


    "Can we just try?''''


    He is going back again to where we left off in the car. Can we just try? It is not so easy but he wants to give this a try.


    "What happens if they find out?" I want to know what is going on in his head.


    "They won''t if we don''t let them. We could keep this between us until we are old enough and then they can''t control us anymore."


    So, this is his solution.


    Be in a secret relationship for God knows how long. That is not a good idea because things like this don''t usually end up well. I know for a fact that it will go south.


    His hand is still on me, I don''t want to say anything that will pull him away from me. That is how much I need him.


    "You don''t know the things that man can do. If he finds out, he will find a way to keep us apart. He is a monster."


    "I can''t let you go. It''s like losing a part of me." he cries. His words are sincere. I can feel it.


    "We become brothers. At least we are still together."


    He shakes his head "I won''t be your brother. I don''t want to be your brother." he lets go of me and takes a step away from me. The front door opens suddenly to reveal my dad. He looks at the two of us and somehow, he doesn''t notice how tense it is. He only sees what he wants to see. As he usually does.


    "Did the fitting go well?" he walks over to Lance and slings his arm over his shoulder. There is a smile on his face. There is always a smile on his face whenever Lance is here. The smile he never gives me, at least now he can love his new son.


    "Yes sir."


    With a slight tap "You can call me John, no need for the sir. Or dad if you prefer."


    I watch this scene play out and my skin crawls.


    This is irritating to me.


    It is almost like he didn''t even notice my presence. Or maybe he just doesn''t care enough to even bother.


    "Okay Mr Hilly," lance intentionally chooses the ignore his request. He doesn''t want to cosy up to my father. He doesn''t want this to be real but it is as real as it gets and there is nothing, we can do about it.


    Thinking about it, we can choose to pretend, to hide our relationship but what happens when they officially get married? We will end up living together/ what happens when they decide that our family is too small and they want to expand it? We will end up having a sibling together,


    It is wrong on so many levels and Lance knows. He just doesn''t want to accept it; he is still in denial. Eventually, it will all sink in; he will finally admit the things that he doesn''t want to see.


    "You know your mother seemed to think you wouldn''t show up for this dinner. I rushed over here thinking it would just be Brad. This is a pleasant surprise." he drags him away slowly and I watch them walk further into the house. My eyes roll from the hypocrisy of the situation.


    He didn''t even say a word to me.


    Not one word.


    He only fucking cares about it Lance and his mother. When I found out he was getting married. I was happy, I was glad that he would end up deviating his attention from me. It was just too much and pretty much overwhelmed me all the time. I thought he would focus on his new family and that was what I wanted but now that it is Lance. I don''t want that anymore.


    I wish he''d ignore him.


    I wish he''d hate him.


    Maybe if he hates him enough, he wouldn''t want him to be his son.


    I walk the other direction of the house until I am upstairs and in my room. I don''t want to mingle with them. Lance can have him for all I care. My room is dark, all the lights are off and the curtains are closed. Darkness is better in this house, at least then I don''t have to see things, things that will remind me of a time I want to forget.


    My phone rings and I see a call from Lisa. Lisa libel is my classmate and childhood friend. Her father is dad''s business partner and best friend. They have been friends since college. Dad wants me to be with her, she is the perfect option for him. A beautiful girl from a good background. She will make the perfect wife for me.


    That''s the plan.


    Get married after college and start a family.


    A plan that I didn''t agree to.

 Chapter 30 - The Beautiful Broken Boy.

    Lance.


    "Do you have a boyfriend?"


    We are seated in their grand living room. According to him, dinner will be ready soon. Brad left a couple of minutes ago. His father didn''t seem to notice, or even care, which is strange to me.


    His question catches me off guard. I know mom said he is okay with me being gay. That she told him but is he really okay with it. Or is it just a fa?ade? Ford is terrified of coming out because of his father. So why is he okay with me but not his son?


    "No, I don''t."


    He nods "Your mother told me about it and I just have to say, I don''t have any problems with it."


    This is him assuring me that there is no hate towards me. He wants me to go home and let his fianc¨¦ know. There is more to this and I don''t know what to think. "Uh... thanks."


    He smiles and slaps my shoulder. He seems to do this a lot. "Alright. I will just go freshen up; you can go look for Brad in his room while we wait for dinner."


    He stands up and I watch him walk out of the room. He is under the assumption that I know where his room is. I rush over to his room because I miss him. It has only been a short while since I last saw him but I already miss him. His door is slightly open and I hear his voice, it seems like he is on the phone. I don''t mean to eavesdrop but the conversation seems serious.


    "Not right now," he sounds tensed, frustrated. "No, my father is home. We have a guest." he sighs loudly "Why do you always think it is okay to barge in unannounced." he raises his voice in anger. I don''t know who he is talking to but it seems like he doesn''t want to be talking to whoever it is. I stay stuck on the ground, not moving, just listening like some creep.


    "Fucking hell Lisa, don''t do this to me right now. Please," he begs. He sounds desperate.


    There is silence.


    I wait.


    After a couple of seconds, he speaks up again.


    "I swear to God if you show up right now, I will never talk to you again. Just stay away for once in your fucking life," he shouts so loud that my heart races. I have never seen this side of him. He has never been this upset in front of me. I can''t hear the other end of the conversation so I don''t know what this Lisa has done to him but he is pretty pissed.


    A loud sound comes from his room and I open the door wider to him staring at the wall angrily, my eyes follow him and I see his phone smashed on the ground. His breathing is heavy and for a second it seems like he hasn''t even noticed me.


    "Ford," I call his name to snap him out of his trance.


    He doesn''t shake, no reaction at all and this has me worried. Carefully walking towards him, he turns his eyes to me and they are red fuming. Why is he so angry?


    "Ford," I call his name again. His eyes twitch visibly "What is wrong," I place my hand on his arm. He freezes in my grip. "Talk to me," I plead desperately. I want him to trust me, open up to me. He doesn''t yet, I don''t blame him with everything that has happened.


    "You''re so beautiful," he reaches for my hand on his. I don''t stop him; I don''t ever want to stop him from touching me. Even if he doesn''t want to accept me. I am his. From the moment I met him right here in this room, even if I didn''t know it then.


    "Talk to me,'' I repeat.


    "I will never be able to have you all to myself. No matter how much I want to. No one will let me," he pulls me and wraps his arms around me. I have no idea what he is talking about. How do I help him when I don''t even know what is wrong?


    "I am yours, even if we can''t be together, I will always be yours," I try to convince him.


    He sighs "Even if you lose your family because of me?"


    I nod, still in his arms. I will give up everything for him. That is how strong this love is. That is how much I want him. He is still yet to believe me; he is yet to accept this.


    "I need to tell you something before she gets here."


    I pull away from him slowly watching him "Okay."


    "I don''t know why she will just decide to show up unannounced." he completely detaches from me and runs his hands through his hair/


    "Who?" I stop his fidgeting to get him to talk to me.


    "Lisa, she is a family friend but she and everyone seem to think she is my girlfriend. I don''t want you to be caught off guard when she comes.


    Girlfriend?


    My world literally crashes down from just one word.


    He reacted this way because his girlfriend is coming over for dinner. Now the phone conversation makes so much sense. I was foolish to think he is mine alone. He has a girlfriend.


    "What do you mean by her and everyone else?"


    "She''s my father''s best friends'' daughter. We have been friends since we were kids. Somehow they think we will eventually get married."


    Marriage?


    What the fuck?


    They have gone as far as marriage?


    John wants him with this Lisa girl.


    Who am I to come in between?


    "Do you want to get married to her?" it is a stupid question. I knew as soon as I uttered the words. From his reaction, I know he doesn''t want this. What I can''t understand is why he has let things get this far. Why he is accepting all this push around. This is his life and no one can tell him how to live it. He has the right to decide who he wants to date. He has the right to choose who he wants to fucking marry. His father is controlling, I know that much from the way he acts around me. He wants to hook me, make sure I don''t become a problem for his relationship with my mom. I have never seen any hostility between them but from the way Ford is, I can tell there is more to it.


    "Lisa is the only one that wants that."


    Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. I have never hated a name as much as I hate the name Lisa now. I don''t even know her but she is my worst enemy.


    "Why can''t you just make things clear between everyone. It can''t be that hard," I don''t mean to sound harsh but that is how I come off.


    This man in front of me is not the person he is to everyone else and I hate it so much. If his father could see half of what I see when I am with him, things wouldn''t be the way they are.


    "It''s not that easy."


    "You need to be more outspoken. Tell your father to go fuck himself."


    He laughs, I grab his hands in mine "You''re different from me. You don''t care about anything."


    He doesn''t intend to hurt me but his words sting. He seems to think I don''t care about anything. Yeah, I might act like I am nonchalant about a lot but when something or someone is important to me. I do care.


    "I care about you?"


    He smiles "I know, that is not what I meant. You are just so brave. No matter the consequence, you say your mind."


    "You can be the same."


    He scoffs "What is the point when you end up losing?"


    "Losing doesn''t mean it has to be over. You just have to keep fighting until you succeed, until you win."


    He looks away from me.


    I pull his face until he is looking at me again "Call things off with Lisa. Tell her the truth."


    "Nothing is even going on between us. There is no relationship. She knows but she doesn''t want to accept it."


    This girl sounds crazy.


    Who forces themselves on someone else?


    "Tell your dad the truth."


    He furrows his brows "What truth?"


    "That you''re gay."


    He shakes his head immediately. There is fear in his eyes, almost like he can''t even fathom it. Eventually, he will have to be honest. He can''t keep hiding the truth because it will eat him up until there is nothing left.


    The sooner he gathers the courage, the better.


    "I can''t do that."


    "You were going to before you found out about my mom and him," I remind him of the time he brought me over.


    "That was different,"


    "What has changed now?"


    "I can''t be with you. Then I was ready for the consequences, as long as I could have you in the end."


    I take a deep breath from his words. Something is wrong with Ford, and I don''t have any inclination. He is not going to open up to me.


    There is something broken about him and I can''t get through to him.

 Chapter 31 - When Will You Choose Me?

    Lance.


    "Dinner is served," a man dressed in a chef''s attire interrupts us and I am glad. The conversation was getting too heavy. I can''t handle all this at once.


    I want to help him but how can I help him when I don''t even know what is wrong. There is so much fear in his life, fear that is unknown to me.


    Why is he so afraid?


    "We''ll be right down."


    He looks at me and I watch as his expression changes "We should head down. Dad doesn''t really like to wait."


    I nod and we walk out of his room together, once outside, I grab his arm in my grip "Are you okay?" I genuinely want to know.


    He smiles "I am fine. I just needed you to know that she is nothing to me. I won''t hurt you like that."


    "I don''t care about Lisa." I scrunch up my face, he chuckles.


    This is the Ford I like. The one that smiles, the one that is happy. I hate downer Ford and it seems like he is always sad when he is not with me. If I knew a way to steal him away from his sadness, I would do it.


    We get to the dining table. His dad is already seated but he is on the phone "Yeah, he just walked in now."


    I can guess who he is talking to.


    "Yeah, next time you have to be here. We will be a complete family then." he ends the call and the word family stays in my mind.


    "Come on. Have a seat next to me," he pats the chair next to him and from the side of my eyes, I see Ford roll his eyes. I watch him take a seat opposite me. He looks at his plate and nothing else. "Dig in," John urges. I fake a smile as he puts chicken into my plate.


    This is the most awkward dinner I have ever attended. If this was just me and Ford, it would be perfect but this man is making things so bad. I can''t act too friendly with Ford because he wouldn''t want me to. He doesn''t want us to act like we are too close, he doesn''t want to raise suspicion.


    "Papa,"


    I hear her voice before I see her. My heart skips in my chest because I don''t know what to expect. I knew she was coming. That''s all I could think about¡ªthe girl that thinks she is dating the love of my life. Her eyes are the first thing I notice, they are fucking striking. Blue with tiny flecks of silver. Her hair is jet black and long, even in a high ponytail, it reaches her lower back. She is dressed in a black dress; it is tight at the top with a flair. It accentuates all her curves. I remember her, she is the one I saw with him in school. The cheerleader.


    Lisa the girlfriend is everything I can never be.


    She is perfect.


    John looks up from his food and the brightest smile I have ever seen on his face shines through the table. He is happy to see her, this is someone he honestly likes. This is the girl he has chosen for his son.


    "My favourite girl is here," he gestures with his hands and she walks over to him swiftly. In an instant, he has her wrapped around his arms. There is nothing to the hug, it is innocent but I am irritated,


    Why not fucking marry her yourself? I think to myself.


    It is an evil thought but I hate her, I hate her so much. I wish the ground would just open and eat her up completely. I wish she could disappear from the face of the earth.


    "You have been absent for too long. Did you fight with Brad," he asks still holding unto her?


    This time I roll my eyes.


    This scene is puke worthy.


    "No, we''ve been having a lot of after school practices."


    "Don''t stay away for too long next time." he smiles "Sit down, the food is getting cold." he lets go of her and I roll my eyes again. She sits down next to him and this is like her claim to him. Her eyes scream out ''Mine''. Something that I can''t be proud to say out because he is scared of God knows what.


    "Hi," she whispers in his ear, so low that I almost don''t hear it. All my attention is focused on them. I want to see how he will act around her. If it is the same pretence that he shows to his father and probably everyone else.


    She slides her hand in between his and squeezes gently. His eyes are on me, he looks guilty.


    I raise a brow.


    Why are you guilty?


    He doesn''t answer her and somehow, she ignores his attitude towards her. Her eyes move until they are on me. The smile on her face widens, the excitement in her eyes and confusion on her face. She seems to be happy to see me. Does she know who I am?


    "Hey, I''ve heard so much about you." she lets go of Ford and leans forward for a handshake.


    This is the most uncomfortable I have ever felt. I take her petit hands in mine unsure of how to act or what to say. "Brad can''t stop talking about you."


    I find it hard to believe her, there is no way he talked about me to her. She is lying, I don''t her reason but she is.


    "Well, I haven''t heard anything about you," I blurt out.


    I don''t mean to sound so rude but I am pissed right now. This girl just barged here and she is acting like she is part of the family. Okay, maybe she is part of the family, I mean I just met this family, so I have no idea how close she is to them. The only thing I know is what Ford told me. He doesn''t want to have anything to do with her but she seems to think he is betrothed to her.


    "Ha, well we can get to know each other."


    Their maid Maria, walks into the room and places her plate in front of Lisa. My eyes roam until they stop in front of Ford. He has this apologetic look in his eyes. I know how he feels and I don''t blame him. I am not upset with him, yes, I am upset with the situation but it is not his fault.


    "Sure, we will." I focus on my food and the rest of dinner goes quietly.


    After dinner all three of us walk out of the house together "I''m just gonna drop him off." Ford explains to Lisa. She clings unto his arm tightly and the irritation is clear my face.


    "I thought we could hang out for a bit," she cries.


    He pulls her hand off him slowly and I watch this scene, not really sure of what to say or how to act around them. I don''t know what he plans to do but If he chooses to stay with her, I will be sad.


    "He doesn''t have a ride. I am sorry. Maybe we can reschedule?"


    The fact that he even suggests that upsets me. The phone call I overheard was angry. He says he doesn''t like her; he doesn''t want to be with her, then why the fuck is he rescheduling?


    "My driver can drop him off." those words are simple. She is offering a helping hand to help her boyfriend. I want him to refuse, I wish he would grow some balls and fucking stand up for himself.


    I know it before he agrees.


    I have hope but those hopes are crushed as I watch him sigh in defeat. He has lost the battle that is Lisa. There is nothing I can say, there is nothing I can do. I am the loser in this. The loser that keeps on hanging unto someone that doesn''t have the courage to be with me. Until Ford accepts himself. I can''t fight for him. I can''t win the battle all by myself.


    "You don''t mind, right?" he asks me like I have a choice.


    Can I be the problematic one and disagree to this "I can just call a car."


    I remember the last time I was with him and I didn''t have a ride, he insisted on dropping me off. I wish he will do the same again even though I know this time is different.


    I watch him as he agrees to it and my heart shatters into a million pieces in front of the man I love and he doesn''t help me pick it up.


    As I leave his house, the only thing stuck on my mind is the fact that I have to let go. Let go of him, let go of the hopes I have. I have to stop wishing and praying for a better chance. I can''t help Ford when he doesn''t want to give me that chance.. There is nothing I can do for him and I have to live with this heartbreak knowing full well that he is the one that caused it.

 Chapter 32 - The Best Friend Interrogation

    Lance.


    "He has a girlfriend?"


    I nod.


    Jack wants me to keep thinking about Ford. He hasn''t been able to shut up about it. I told him everything that happened with so many regrets. I should''ve just kept it to myself because there is no point. When nothing can be done, you have to give up. This is me giving up on my lost love.


    He didn''t even call me after deserting me.


    I guess he doesn''t care enough.


    "Where are you going?" Jack asked as I grab a pair of jeans from a drawer in my room.


    "Out." I shrug.


    He stands up until he is behind me but I choose to ignore him. If he knows who I am going with, he will not approve. I don''t know why he doesn''t approve of my friendship with Patrick. Being with Patrick helps me forget Ford. I need someone that won''t constantly remind me of him. This is not a date. I don''t have any plans of moving on to another guy.


    I am not over Ford.


    "Lemme guess... Patrick."


    It is a rhetorical question. He already knows that I am going out with him but he wants to be an overbearing best friend right now.


    "Yes," I answer him even though he didn''t need the answer.


    "Why?"


    "Because I want to."


    He shakes his head and walks away from me "Dude, don''t you see what is happening?"


    "What is happening?"


    "That dude has a thing for you and you''re blind to it."


    He is exaggerating. I don''t think Patrick is gay. He doesn''t seem like he is. He is the type of guy that drives girls crazy. Why will he be interested in me? An average guy.


    "So what?"


    "You are still in love with Ford. You can''t just do this. I don''t support this." he is being stubborn but he is my best friend and I love him in spite of.


    "Ford is unavailable. I can''t do anything about that. This is a lot for me and I am tired of it all."


    He sighs "I don''t think you should give up. Fuck the ''rents. This is about you and him. No one else should matter."


    "He doesn''t know what he wants. I can''t keep on clinging unto him when he doesn''t want me."


    He rolls his eyes "You know he wants you. Stop lying to yourself. This is hard and you are just being lazy."


    He has no idea what he is talking about. This is not about me being lazy. This is about me giving him the chance to decide. I told him everything I needed to the last time I saw him. Now I am giving him space. If he really loves me, then he should be the one fighting."


    Jack seems to think I am moving on from Ford. That is the opposite, actually. I am giving him a chance to realize that he could lose me. Once he comes to his senses, he will find out that he needs me in his life. He will gather up the strength and courage to fight for what he wants. That is the only thing I can do, watch and wait for him to be brave enough. Right now, he is still living in fear and our relationship cannot strive if there is still fear in his heart. Firstly, we are two men. The world will judge us, people will hate us. I don''t want to be ashamed of what we have because loving him is the proudest I have ever been.


    Patrick is a nice guy.


    He is a good distraction but he is not Ford.


    He will never be Ford.


    "I want to meet this Patrick guy."


    I chuckle as I finish getting ready "You can if you want to. He lives on the next floor."


    "You don''t even know what number. What if he is a psychopath and he just plans to wear your skin as a coat?"


    "Really dude. You watch too many movies."


    He is obviously messing around "Should I ask to go see him at his place? Would it seem weird?"


    He laughs "From that reaction, I can tell you have doubts too."


    I shake my head "No, I just want to make sure he actually lives in the building. I mean, there is no harm, right?"


    "What time are you supposed to meet him?"


    "In a couple of minutes. We''re supposed to meet by his motorcycle in the parking lot."


    "He rides a motorcycle?"


    I nod.


    "You ever been on his motorcycle?"


    I nod again.


    "Dude, do you know how dangerous that is. This is the same guy you got high with," he reminds me.


    "You''re going off point."


    He sighs "I am worried about you."


    I furrow my brows "Why?"


    I genuinely want to know why he thinks Patrick is a bad idea. This is a good thing for me. I am like this anti-social butterfly and someone is bringing me out of my shell. He should be the opposite of worried.


    "You are trying to overcompensate. Somehow you want to forget about Ford and you are using Patrick."


    "That''s not what I am doing. I am not trying to forget him. I can''t forget him even if I wanted to. He will always be there. Have you forgotten that his father is getting married to mom????


    "I know, I just think you should just start trusting this new guy when you don''t know anything about him."


    "I didn''t say I trust him. He is just a random person. This is a platonic friendship. You have nothing to worry about." I tried to give him a little bit of assurance. That is all I can do to let him no, that this is nothing to worry about.


    "Text him, find out if he actually lives in the building."


    I nod and shoot him a quick text.


    He replies instantly.


    *Sure. Apartment building 10B.


    "See, he is not lying," I show him the phone and he rolls his eyes almost like he still has doubts.


    "I''m coming with you." I put on my sneakers and take one last look in the mirror. Today is a good day for my hair. It is doing what it is supposed to. My clothes are not rough, my shoe is a little worn out but these are my sneakers. I love wearing them, even though they should be in the trash.


    Jack follows me as we climb the stairs till we get into his floor. We look at the numbers on the doors until we see his "Don''t say anything stupid," I warn him.


    He chuckles.


    I glare at him "What could I even say, hey Patrick the stoner. Hope you are not some kind of stalker psycho."


    The door opens before we even have a chance to knock and Patrick watches us with a curious expression. I open my eyes wide form the shock of being caught "I hate to break it to you but my stalker days are over," he is obviously joking from the smile on his face but I can''t help but be embarrassed.


    "I am so sorry about him," I point to jack who just raises his brow. "He is a work in progress...actually scratch that, he is just a lot of work."


    Patrick laughs.


    My heart skips a beat.


    "It''s fine, i sense a lot possessiveness coming from you. You must be the best friend," he stretches his hand out. I notice a tattoo on his wrist. It is a tree, very tiny with no leaves on the branches. He has a lot of tattoos but this one stands out to me. Somehow, I can relate to it, the feeling of loneliness, being empty.


    "How come I have never seen you around?" Jack inquires.


    "I work a lot of odd hours." he shrugs like he doesn''t mind the questions. "Come in. To make sure I am not the stalker you think I am." he moves back and creates space for us to enter his house.


    I don''t know what I am expecting from him but what I see is definitely not it. His house is very neat, the furniture is matched and neat, there are painting on his walls. Like the kind of paintings, you''d see in a museum. Does he live alone? How old is he?


    So many questions that I didn''t even have before I got here run through my mind. Jack raises a brow at me as we are urged to sit down "I don''t bite," Patrick winks as he sits down on the couch next to me.


    "Your house is pretty," I blurt like the fool I am.


    "How old are you?" Jack asks immediately.


    He was thinking about the exact same thing as me. That is why we are best friends. We have this thing that twins have, what''s it called again. The twin telepathy thing. I think. The only difference between us at this moment is that he doesn''t like Patrick and I do.


    "I am eighteen," he answers.


    He is older than us, by a year. That is not so bad. I mean there is nothing wrong with this. We are just friends.


    Patrick smiles and I like how he is able to handle Jack.

 Chapter 33 - Interruptions Filled With Worry.

    Lance.


    "Do you live alone?" Jack asks.


    I sigh because he is being too nosy. These are things I want to know but I will ask him on my own.


    "You should go back home," I grab his hands in mine and pull him off the couch.


    "I am not done,'' he objects but I succeed in getting him out of the house. I feel Patrick behind me "I will be right back." I tell him as I close the door.


    "What are you doing?" jack questions.


    "That''s enough for today. You came here to see if he is a liar and he is not. So, go home, I will be back later."


    He groans "I still don''t trust him. I need more information."


    "You don''t have to trust him, trust me." he rolls his head backwards.


    "Fine, be home by ten,'' he points at me as he heads for the stairs. I roll my eyes because this is hilarious to me. Opening the door, Patrick is still in the same position I left him.


    "Daddy let you go outside to play?" he asks sarcastically with the smile still on his face.


    "I''m sorry about him."


    He shakes his head "It''s fine. So, do you want to get dinner first or after the movie?" he asks.


    I shrug "Dinner sounds really good right now; I haven''t eaten all day."


    He frowns "It''s pretty late. Why haven''t you eaten?"


    "There''s been a lot on my mind."


    With the frown on his face, he walks closer to me "You shouldn''t skip meals. It is not good for you." "I don''t do it all the time. It''s not like I have a problem. You should calm down." I grumble out my words.


    Why is everyone always so worried about me. Jack with his overbearing and now Patrick too. They treat me like I can''t take care of myself.


    "Okay, I guess I overreacted."


    "It''s fine, we should head out."


    This is me trying to calm the situation down. I don''t want to have issues with him. I like hanging out with him and I need this escape.


    "Sure."


    The ride to the diner is the most enjoyable one so far. I have become a motorcycle fan suddenly. Being on it makes me free, it makes me happy. He said I would become addicted to it and I am. I love the wind in my hair as the cool breeze hits my face.


    The fact that he brought me to a diner makes this better. I don''t want to think of this as a date and the less fancy the place, the less date like it is.


    "You have a goofy smile on your face," he manages as we walk into the restaurant.


    "I love your bike," I mutter.


    He chuckles "Betsy loves you too."


    "You call your bike Betsy?"


    He nods "She is the only girl I want in my life."


    I have never been here before, it is called Lumi. It''s a distance from the apartment as it took us a while to get here. The banner on the sign blinks profusely. "Their apple pie is the best in town. Do you like apple pie?"


    "Everyone loves apple pie,"


    He nods "Except people that are allergic to apple, have you ever met anyone that is allergic to apple?"


    I shake my head at the randomness of the question.


    The restaurant is full as we walk in but a lady in a pink and white apron smiles widely as she notices us "Ricky," she calls his names and walks over to us. The woman looks to be in her fifties as there is a hint of grey in her brown hair that is packed in a bun.


    "Hey Mrs T," he waves as she comes closer.


    "I didn''t know you were coming tonight; thought you''d be at the gallery," she mentions.


    "Yeah, change of plans."


    Did he change his plans for me? I remember calling him and asking if we could meet up today. I didn''t know he had plans. Now I feel bad.


    "This is Lance, a new friend."


    The woman faces me "Hello Lance, come on, let me get you seated," she drags us to a corner booth even though this is not the kind of place that you get assigned seats. I believe you can just walk in and sit anywhere you want to.


    "Thanks," I manage.


    She smiles warmly "Let me get you guys a menu." she walks away from us and I face him.


    "I come here a lot," he explains even though I didn''t ask.


    "I can see that."


    The woman walks back with two menus and places it on our tables "So are you getting the usual?" she directs at him.


    He nods, facing me he asks "Can I order for you. I promise you won''t regret it." he is watching me with hopeful eyes. Whatever he wants to get must be pretty exciting to him.


    "Sure," I agree. What is the worst that could happen? There is not a lot of things I don''t like. I probably eat everything. Hopefully, this won''t be a first.


    "I''ll have two servings of my usual."


    The waitress leaves and he faces me again "So, your friend seems to think I am stalker...why?"


    I smile "Just because he has never seen you around."


    "I just moved to the building."


    I nod "You mentioned."


    "Yeah."


    "Do I have to worry about him. Do you like, need his approval before we can do this regularly?"


    I burst out in laughter "You''re kidding right?"


    He shakes his head with a straight face.


    "He is all bark and no bite."


    "His opinion might mean a lot to you and it seems like he doesn''t like me," he says finally.


    "He doesn''t know you. He is just being overprotective. He seems to think you plan to steal me away."


    He smiles "Steal you away from the person you shouldn''t be with but want to be with?"


    He reminds me of Ford again. I don''t want to think of Ford and all the drama that comes with him. I want to eat good food and have laughs with Patrick.


    "You bring him up all the time."


    "Sorry, do you not want to talk about it?"


    "I don''t know."


    "We don''t have to.??? he brushes it off and I am glad that he does. I want this to be a lighthearted evening. No heavy stuff.


    "Thanks. You didn''t answer Jack''s question."


    The waitress uses this moment to walk back with our food and he rubs his hands together excitedly "So, two ham and cheese hash brown casseroles and two apple pies," she places the plates on the table and the empty tray under her armpit.


    "Enjoy." she walks away and I look at the sight in front of me.


    There is a lot of cheese in this dish.


    It reminds me of Ford suddenly. The first time we hung out alone, he made cheesy fries. It was the first time I ever ate it and it was delicious. I miss him, this is not the distraction I thought it would be.


    "Try it," he passes my fork to me, even though I could''ve picked it up myself.


    I take a bite of the food and sure enough. It tastes amazing, my stomach growls for more and that is a good sign "It is delicious." I exclaim and this gets a smile from him.


    "I told you."


    My phone rings, looking at the ID, I see Fords picture.


    Why is he calling me?


    "You can answer it." he misunderstands, thinking I don''t want to answer because of him. Patrick watches me as I place it on my ear "Hello." there is static on the other end of the phone. "Hello," I repeat.


    This time an unfamiliar voice comes into the phone "Are you, Lance? I have your friends'' phone. He is passed out in front of a bar. I just called the most dialled number."


    I stand up from the chair and Patrick does the same. My heart races from the words of the stranger. Passed out?


    "Where are you?"


    The man gives me an address.


    "I need to go; I am so sorry." I run out of the diner but I feel his footsteps behind me. He is following me, my mind, body and soul is in a panic right now. I can''t stand the thought of anything happening to him.


    "Wait," Patrick grabs my arm gently.


    I stop walking because I don''t even know how to get to the bar. "I need to go, somethings come up."


    He nods "I can drop you off," there is uncertainty in his eyes.


    "It''s fine. I can just call an uber."


    He shakes his head still holding unto my arm "I insist. I will just take you where you need to go. Make sure you get there safely."


    "Alright."


    I agree because I don''t want to go alone. Facing ford again even though I know full well that he got drunk somewhere. I know he has a drinking problem. From our conversations, I can tell.


    I just hope he is okay.

 Chapter 34 - Feeling Special

    Lance.


    The bar is not far from the diner which makes the ride short. I am glad I can get to Ford as fast as we do. Patrick parks his bike in the parking lot of the bar. I rush off it, in search of the man that called, I don''t have to look for too long, I see them in a corner in front of the building.


    Ford on the cold hard ground unconscious with the man over him. He looks up worriedly as I rush over to him.


    "Hey," I go on my knees immediately with my hands in between his armpits. He is still breathing, thank fuck. "Thank you so much," I look at the man and he manages a faint smile.


    "No worries make sure you get him hydrated. He had a lot to drink," he advices as he hands me his phone. I put it in my back pocket as I attempt to lift him up. He is too fucking heavy for me.


    "Ford," I call his name in hopes that he can hear me.


    He can''t.


    "Do you need a hand?" Patrick asks walking over to us and I am thankful for him. I didn''t even say a word as I left him but he still followed me and he still cares.


    "Yes, please." he walks over to the other side and grabs him off the ground. It is easy for him and suddenly I am not needed "You need to call a car, I am afraid my motorcycle can''t take the three of us." he is joking, so I manage a smile.


    I request the uber "3 minutes away," I inform him.


    He nods, "This him?" he asks still carrying him.


    Ford is still passed out.


    For the first time since he asked, I answer him "Yes." I tell him defeatedly.


    "Is it cause he''s a guy?"


    I know what he means by that question. The only thing that could seem like a barrier to anything happening between us is being gay. It sucks that in this day and age, people can''t be who they are. There is this stigma with being gay. Most people act like they are open-minded enough but they really aren''t. We have to hide; we have to pretend. Why do we even have to come out? What does that phrase even mean?


    A straight person doesn''t have to come out when they like someone, so why do we? Why do we have to prepare everyone for being in love?


    "No," I answer.


    He nods "Ah, there is more."


    A black Corolla with red bright headlights comes into view and I see the plate number "That''s the car," He nods "I am sorry about tonight. We will do this again,'' I add.


    "It''s fine. Totally understandable." he winks.


    He helps me put Ford in the car and I am even more grateful. He doesn''t have to but he still does. No matter what Jack says, I know he is a good person. "Let me know when you sort this out," he takes a step away from the car.


    "Okay."


    **********


    I dial Jack''s number once inside the car and he answers immediately "Are you home?" I blurt out.


    "Is your skin off your body."


    I roll my eyes "No time for jokes, I am like thirty minutes away. I need you to wait downstairs."


    "Are you okay?" his tone becomes serious. Worry etched deep within.


    "I''m fine, I have Ford with me. I can''t carry him alone."


    "Is he okay?"


    "Yes."


    "I''ll be downstairs."


    The call ends and I look at him as he snores softly, with the rise and fall of his chest. His cheeks are red, so very red. He must have drunk a lot. I reach for him and brush a strand of his hair from his face. He is cold, so cold. It feels like this is the only chance I will get to touch him. He hasn''t called since the dinner at his house.


    I don''t know what is going on in his head. He is not supposed to be pissed; I am the one that should be pissed at him. I am the only one that is a fool in this relationship???not that we have a relationship.


    The old man in the driver''s seat glances at me through the rearview mirror. There is judgement in his eyes. He catches me looking back and looks away immediately. Ignoring him, I look at Ford again, I want to revel in his beauty. He is the only one that is important to me.


    I need to talk to him when he wakes up. I can''t stand knowing that he intentionally did this to himself.


    The ride ends and the uber guy parks the car in front of the building, Jack is standing in front of the entrance with his phone pressed to his face. He looks up when he notices the car and there is a confused expression on his face. I manage to pull Ford out of the car as Jack walks over to help us.


    "What happened here?" he mutters in question.


    "I don''t know."


    He helps me up the stairs, we are on the fourth floor of this building and there is no fucking elevator. I have never felt the stairs as much as I do with Ford in my grasp "Where is stalker guy?"


    He reminds me of Patrick.


    "I left him to help Ford."


    He nods.


    "Where do want him, my place or yours?"


    "Mine, moms not coming home tonight."


    We get to the front of my house and I search for my keys in my pocket. "I can''t get it out," I tell him. Ford doesn''t look heavy but I guess the height and muscles make this even more difficult. Jack slips his fingers inside my side pocket as he tries to pull it out ''Dude it is not that hard, go deeper." I urge him.


    He laughs "That''s what she said," he makes a dirty joke not succeeding in getting the key out.


    We are both engrossed in our attempt at getting the door open that we don''t hear the footsteps. "Do you need help?" Patrick smiles sheepishly.


    I can''t imagine the sight in front of him. Both of us carrying Ford with jack''s hand inside my pocket. We must look ridiculous to him but he doesn''t show any reaction towards us "just hold him." jack pushes Ford a little too rough but Patrick is quick to grab him.


    Patrick is the only one that carries him. He doesn''t even need my help, so I reach for the bunch of keys in my pocket and open the door. They walk into my house and I look around in case there is a mess somewhere that I forgot about. Luckily the living room is neat enough.


    "Where should I put him?"


    I point at the door to my room and run over to it, quickly opening the door. Patrick walks into the room and drops Ford on the bed gently. I walk over to the edge of the bed and pull the covers over him. He is still snoring gently.


    "You should let him sleep it out of his system."


    I nod and we walk out of my room. "Thanks for this," I thank him again.


    He smiles "No big deal. I just came to make sure you got home okay. Wasn''t really sure if this was gonna be your first stop," he confesses.


    Jack coughs and I turn around to see him watching us "Date got ruined...huh?" he winks.


    "It was not a date," we both say at the same time.


    Jack giggles "Predictable." he stands up from the couch and walks to the door "I guess I am not needed anymore," he is glaring at Patrick.


    Guess he still doesn''t like the guy.


    He walks out and I face Patrick "Today was horrible." this is like my attempt at yet another apology. I just wanted to forget everything today but I keep getting reminders. Why is there such a pull?


    "For the millionth time, it is fine. I got to spend time with you. That''s all that matters."


    I nod.


    He smiles.


    "I went back to Lumi, got the food to go," he walks out the door and I watch him grab a bag from the floor that I didn''t notice before "Didn''t want it to go to waste." he hands the bag to me and my heart skips.


    The fact that today didn''t go as planned and he still did this is touching. I don''t know what is going on but I have never felt as special as he just made me feel.


    "I don''t know what to say."


    He smiles "You don''t have to say anything. Heat it up and we can still have dinner together. That will make me the happiest man on earth."


    I grab the bag from him and the look into it. The food is inside transparent packs. I remember the taste of the hash browns and my stomach grumbles. Almost like some forces don''t want me to eat today, because I can''t seem to get a break today.


    Bringing the plates out of the bag, I walk over to the side that leads to the kitchen and Patrick follow me. He sits down on the stool of the kitchen counter and leans over to see what I am doing.


    "Do you want to talk about it?" he breathes out those words and I actually want to confide in him. He seems like he would give really good advice.


    I need advice right now.


    I know there is something wrong with Ford and I can''t seem to help him. He has an alcohol problem. Every time we have talked about him; it always has something to do with alcohol. He might be an alcoholic and there is more to it.


    "Let me get this heated and we can talk," I suggest and he agrees with a nod.

 Chapter 35 - Dont Let Go.

    Lance.


    I plate the food into two plates and he watches me with this intense stare. His eyes are warm and inviting, almost like he is trusting me to open up to him. I have already concluded in my head that I will but I don''t even know how to start the conversation.


    "So, what''s the deal?" he asks once I take a fork of the meal.


    He goes straight to the point, there is no beating around the bush with him. He is direct and honest. One of the things I like about Patrick.


    His eyes bore into mine as he waits for me to start talking. The only person I have ever opened up to is Jack. He is the only one in my life that knows every single detail. He is the only one that cares about my worries, my fears. He is the only one that I have been able to be myself around but now, looking at Patrick, I feel sincerity coming off of him.


    I don''t want anything romantic with him.


    I want his friendship.


    He is looking at me and his eyes are pleading with me, begging me to trust him. I don''t know him well enough to trust him, but I know that he is sincere. So that is what I intend to do.


    I tell him everything.


    From the beginning.


    The moment I met ford at the party to the moment I found out the truth. I tell him about John and Lisa. He listens to me, he doesn''t interrupt me and once I am done, he reaches through the table and grabs my hand in his. Squeezing it, he smiles warmly. The smile on his face is the most satisfying. Somehow, I feel better. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest.


    "So there you go. I am in love with my mother''s boyfriend''s son."


    He nods, his hand is still holding onto mine. I don''t want him to let go. I need this comfort. I have needed comfort for so long and I haven''t been able to get it. This makes me feel better. He makes me feel better.


    "That''s why you said you couldn''t be with him?"


    I nod.


    He lets go of my hand and drags his chair closer to me. It makes a screeching sound on the floor as he moves closer to. He reaches for me and I watch him, unsure of his intentions. Slowly, he raises his hand to my face and I watch him curiously. His hand rests on my face and he brushes the strands of hair from It.


    "You know, I am going to say something. You don''t have to agree with it," he breathes out. Still touching my face. I am still frozen in place because I don''t know how to react to this.


    He hasn''t done anything yet.


    I manage a nod.


    He smiles.


    "How do you really feel about this guy?"


    I have told him everything, from the beginning. So this question seems ridiculous to me. it is obvious I am in love with Ford. I have been from the moment I kissed him.


    "I don''t understand your question."


    His hand moves away from my hair and I feel relief. It feels weird bonding with another guy while Ford sleeps in my room on my bed. Somehow this feels like cheating.


    I don''t know if that makes any sense.


    "I want you to think about it, like really think about it. If you never saw him again. How would you feel?"


    That thought is scary.


    I might not end up in a relationship with Ford. We might have to act like brothers for the rest of our lives but as long as he is in my life, I will be okay. The thought of never seeing him again in maddening.


    "I can''t even picture it," I manage already getting angsty.


    He smiles, almost like this is the reaction he wants from me. I sit back on my chair to calm my nerves.


    "Then why are you giving people the chance to decide what you do?"


    I furrow my brows.


    He continues "You love this guy. You want to be with this guy?"


    I nod.


    "Don''t let him go. Fight for your love, fight until there is no fight left in you and then fight some more."


    This is unbelievable and confusing.


    "How do I fight when he has given up on us?"


    He shakes his head "He is scared. He has no one, from what you have told me, he is alone, he is broken, he is drowning. You are the only one that can pull him back up."


    "Why are you doing this for me?" I ask because I want to know. Why is he helping me. Jack said he liked me. he keeps thinking that he wants to be more than friends. It doesn''t look like he wants that.


    "Because I see something in you and I want things between us to flourish."


    With creased brows, I ask "Huh?"


    I have no idea what he just said. .I mean it makes no sense.


    He chuckles.


    "I''ve basically been a loner all my life. I mean I have no friends. I ran away from home two years ago and I have been taking care of myself ever since. You are the first person I like being with and I don''t want to lose that."


    I have so many questions to ask.


    The mystery that is Patrick just becomes more mysterious but he doesn''t give me the chance. he suddenly shifts away from me and slides back to his plate. That is his way of saying conversation over. I don''t want to pester him if he doesn''t want to talk to me about his life. I mean I know I just opened up to him and told him my biggest worries but that doesn''t mean he has to now.


    We continue the meal and I have to say, it is delicious. He said it would be worth it and I am glad he ordered for me.


    Patrick leaves my apartment and I end up going back to my room to check up on Ford. He is still sleeping; his cheeks are still flushed. Walking over to him, I sit on the edge of my bed and reach out for him. his snores are soft, and he still smells of alcohol. I should get his clothes off; he would hate to wake up in the morning to this smell.


    I lift him up gently and he shifts in my arm with a soft groan. I succeed in taking off his shirt and then I do his pants. I don''t mean to ogle him, but I feel a sadness in the depths of me as I watch him sleep. I can''t stand the thought that I will lose him. Patrick is right, everything he said today makes so much sense.


    I should fight.


    I shouldn''t give up on him.


    Ford needs me.


    He needs someone and I want to be that person for him.


    I brush my fingers, suddenly his hand grabs mine and I freeze like I have been caught doing something bad. His open slowly and confusion sprawls on his face. He must be wondering why I am here.


    Almost like I can read his mind.


    "Lance?" he questions dazedly.


    I manage a soft smile. With his hand still grabbing mine, he attempts to sit up on the bed "You should try and rest. You''ve had a rough night."


    "What am I doing here?"


    "You don''t remember?"


    He shakes his head. I don''t think he is fully sober right now. He is still in a state of drunkenness so I doubt he will remember anything we talk about tonight.


    "I''m sorry," he creases, still holding unto me.


    "For what?"


    He succeeds in sitting up and rests his back on the headboard of my bed. I watch him, unsure of his intentions. I don''t want to talk to him when he is drunk. I want him to be sober when I tell him all I have decided. He is not sober right now. His words are slurred, he still stinks of alcohol. It is too soon to get through to him.


    "I don''t know what to do," he cries, letting go of my hand.


    My hand suddenly feels cold and empty, I wish he would touch me again.


    "You don''t have to say anything, I understand."


    Slowly I pull him closer and wrap my arms around his waist in an encompassing hug. I feel heat on the crook of my neck as he takes soft breaths in my arms. This feels relaxing to me, I have missed his touch. The fact that I feel this way from just being in his arms tell me everything I need to know.


    "I am so sorry," he cries even harder.


    I pat his hair softly as I hold him.


    "Please don''t leave me," he begs desperately.


    I smile because from this moment, I don''t plan on leaving him.. No matter what happens, I will hold unto him tightly.

 Chapter 36 - Hangover And Kisses.

    Ford.


    Another day, another hangover.


    This is not a new feeling for me.


    I have hangovers on a regular.


    The rays from the sun hit my eyes and I feel the headache as it pulls its way out. "Fuck," I cry out as I sit on the bed. Opening my eyes, I look around the room and it is too fucking familiar.


    The tiny bed, the little window just above it. Shit, try to move but there is someone lying down next to me, I know who it is. This is Lance''s room. This is his apartment.


    What the fuck am I doing here?


    "You don''t have to stop breathing," he mutters and turns to look at me.


    I didn''t realise I was even holding my breath. I manage to sit up and he watches me intently "Sorry,"


    He shakes his head "You don''t have to apologise, are you feeling okay?" he questions worriedly.


    I nod.


    I don''t know what happened last night but I ended up with him. I hope I didn''t say or do anything stupid. I pull the covers over me and the chill of the room hits me, making me realise how unclothed I am. Why am I naked?


    "They smelled of alcohol," he explains.


    Did I say that out loud?


    I run my hands through my hair and he smiles, slowly getting off the bed. He is dressed in basketball shorts and a white shirt. he stands in front of me and I wait for him to say something. I don''t have any words at this moment because this is the most embarrassed, I have ever been.


    I never wanted Lance to see me like this.


    ''''Are you hungry?''''


    I shake my head because my stomach is feeling very queasy. This is how it usually is, first I wake up with a splitting headache and then I throw up all the memories from the night before. This is not my first rodeo.


    ''''Do you have an aspirin?''''


    First, I need to take care of the headache and drink a lot of water. He nods ''''I will go get it,'''' I watch him walk out of the room and use this opportunity to get up from the bed. I am dressed in my underwear. I have no idea where my clothes are but I don''t think it is a good idea being here. Things with us are awkward right now. I haven''t had the nerves to call him after my cowardice behaviour at dinner. I still kick my self in the head for being so stupid and selfish. Deep down I wanted to take him home. I didn''t want to be with Lisa. There was a look she gave me that night. A raised brow, almost like she could see something and that made me panic. I panicked and let him down.


    I couldn''t reach out to him.


    I was so ashamed of myself.


    At that moment, it looked like I chose her.


    It looked like I was making a statement.


    he walks back into the room with a bottle of water and the aspirin ''''Here you go,'''' he places it on the table next to his bed. I take the pills and swallow it down with the water and he smiles faintly ''''You need to drink the whole bottle.''''


    I nod.


    He keeps the smile on his face.


    ''''Thanks for this. I don''t know what happened yesterday.''''


    ''''Does it happen a lot?''''


    I furrow my brows ''''Does what happen a lot?''''


    I don''t know what he is implying but I already don''t like it. I don''t like it one bit.


    ''''Passing out drunk outside bars,'''' he is accusing and I don''t like his tone. I don''t need to be judged right now.


    ''''I don''t know what you are talking about,'''' I look around the room before turning back to him ''''I need my clothes.''''


    He shakes his head and moves closer to me ''''I don''t mean anything by my question. I am just worried about you. That is why I asked.''''


    I frown ''''You don''t have to worry about me. I appreciate you doing this for me but I am not your problem. You don''t have to treat me like a lost cause.''''


    I am already getting defensive. The fact that he witnessed me at my weakest and most vulnerable state Is making me overreact. I just want to spend some time with him at this moment, considering the fact that it seems like he has forgiven me for the dinner. The stupid pride and fear in me are making me act like a fucking fool.


    ''''That''s not what I was doing, please don''t go,'''' he grabs my arm gently and I sigh out loud from just one touch. He is touching me and it is doing things to me that no one''s touch should. i close my eyes because I want to revel in this contact. Every day that I get a chance to be in his grasp is a blessing to me.


    ''''Stay, I want you to stay with me.'''' He grips my arm tighter and the electricity surges through.


    I am scared to look at him, I don''t know the kind of expression that will be plastered to his face right now. Is this affecting him the same way it is me? Is he getting turned on from one measly touch?


    ''''We are not on good terms right now,'''' I blurt like the utter fool I am with my eyes still closed.


    He giggles, I am not kidding. He actually giggles. It is the cutest sound I have ever heard. How can one person be this appealing?


    ''''Do you want to be on good terms?''''


    I open my eyes at his question and his eyes are dark as he stares at me lustfully. He is feeling the same way as me. Now I can see it. He inches even closer and I don''t pull back. I just want to put this moment on pause, maybe it can last even longer.


    ''''I hurt you,'''' I suck in air.


    He smiles ''''Yes you did but I missed you more than I was mad at you.'''' He moves even closer. At this point, our bodies become pressed against each other. Him in his shirt and shorts and me in just my boxers. I feel all of his heat on my bare skin and I want more. I crave more than I am getting.


    ''''I missed you too,'''' I manage in between the heavy breathing and the psychoanalysis.


    His smile brightens, every smile I get from lance makes me content. I will live a happy life knowing he always has a smile on his face. It will be a plus if I am the one that can put the smiles on his face. I just want him to be happy, I don''t want to see him hurt or sad. He became my utmost priority the moment I met him.


    I live and breathe for him.


    ''''I miss kissing you,'''' he reveals with a husky breath.


    My heart races against my chest at the thought of having his lips on mine again. Kissing Lance is better than everything, it is better than drinking.


    ''''We can''t do that,'''' my stupid sense of reasoning comes out with full force. He is still pressed against me.


    ''''Because we can''t be together,'''' he affirms.


    I nod.


    ''''You can''t be with me, but I will not take your refusal. I won''t accept your decision. I will kiss you right now if you don''t want me to, push me away. Tell me no.''''


    He doesn''t wait for a response; I feel his lips on mine with so much force that I am caught off guard. He is playing smart with me and it is working. I can''t resist him and he knows it. He pushes me to the bed roughly and I submit to him wholeheartedly because I am a weak, weak man for Lance. he pulls away from me and watches me with heavy eyes ''''Tell me no. Push me off,'''' he urges me with the sultriest voice I have ever heard.


    He is being unfair.


    I want him so bad.


    There is no way I can look him in the eyes and say no to him right now. I will succumb to whatever he asks me at this moment. Slowly, he places both of his legs in between mine and straddles me. I grab his waist as this is the only way I can control this. a smile sprawls on his face and he is satisfied, he knows he has won this round. With a hasty movement, he kisses me again, this time grinding into me with all his strength. I feel him hard against me and this ignites the fire within me. I don''t know what his mission is today but he has succeeded. Our lips move together in sync as he slides his hands over my rock-hard abs.


    ''''Stop me,'''' he speaks softly in between kisses with that sexy voice of his, how does he expect me to do what he is asking when he is kissing me the way he is?


    My focus is not on his words but the movement of his body. I reach for the ends of his shirt and pull it over his head. I want to feel his skin on me. He moans into my mouth as I kiss him even deeper. There is no stopping me, I have lost all self-control and he is to blame.


    Whatever happens today.


    It''s on him.

 Chapter 37 - Awkwardness And Condoms.

    Lance.


    This is the beginning of fighting.


    I am demanding and forceful but he seems to like it. We have never kissed with so much desperation before. This time I am not kissing him because I am going to lose him. I am kissing him because I choose to fight. At this moment, I know what I have to do.


    Ford won''t make any move.


    He will try to push me away until I decide to stay away and I can''t let that happen. The solution to getting him is to pester him. Be all in his face and fight for him. Let him know that there is no giving upon him. He thinks I will just listen to his cowardice words and let him make the decisions for both of us?


    There is no way I will do that.


    I am here to stay.


    I don''t want to be his brother.


    I don''t just want to be his friend.


    I want to kiss him every day.


    I want to fuck him right now.


    I tug at his boxers and he tries to grab my hands to stop me. His attempt is weak because the moment I grab unto his cock. He is putty in my hands. My grip is not gentle. I want to please him to the point where he won''t know what hit him. I want him to know what he is missing. I want to give him sweet torture he will never forget.


    ''''Lance,'''' he breathes out my name.


    I play deaf ears as I slip my hands into his boxers, he closes his eyes softly once I have him at the tip of my fingers ''''You know you want this, stop fighting me.'''' I whisper into his ears.


    I don''t recognise my voice. I really don''t know who I have become, but I like every single bit of this newfound Lance. I move my hand slowly at first and he groans out from the sweet pleasure. This is the reaction I want from him. I thought about it all night. When I left him in my room, I did my research.


    ''''Lube?'''' Jack whispers in the living room so as not to wake Ford up.


    I nod ''''I need some for tomorrow.''''


    He laughs ''''What does this have to do with me?''''


    He is being difficult. He knows what I am asking and he is playing dumb ''''I need you to drive me to the pharmacy. Help me get some and condoms.''''


    He opens his eyes wide at my request ''''Have you lost your mind, do you have any idea what time it is?''''


    I nod ''''Dude, do I ever ask you for anything?''''


    he rolls his eyes ''''Frankly, all the fucking time. Look why don''t you take a chill pill. The dude is passed out drunk. Is there some sort of urgency to this fuck a man situation?''''


    I nod again ''''Yes, I''m going to seduce him tomorrow.''''


    Jack stares at me in disbelief. I don''t even believe the words coming out of my mouth at ten in the fucking night but they are all thought out. We have been prolonging sex. He says he needs to prep and shit and I never got the chance to be intimate with him. If I do this with him, then he will crave me more. We will form a bond that he wouldn''t be able to resist.


    ''''You''ve gone mad. I can see that,'''' he turns to walk out of my house but I grab him by the ends of his shirt.


    ''''Please, you can just give me your car and I will go on my own. I need this right now.''''


    He sighs.


    This is my best friend. The guy that has a weak spot for me. He will do whatever I ask¡ªmaybe with a little bit of grovelling.


    ''''Fine, but are you leaving him alone?''''


    I nod. ''''It''ll only take a couple of minutes and hour max. come on let''s go.'''' I drag him out of the house and we get to the pharmacy close to our apartment. It is a twenty-four-hour store. As we walk in, a woman is by the counter with a very uninterested look on her face.


    ''''So, what do you need?'''' he asks me as we walk around in search of my sex with Ford materials.


    ''''Just Lube and a pack of condoms.''''


    He slaps his forehead dramatically ''''I can''t believe we are doing this. the things you make me do will never cease to amaze me,'''' he is being a drama queen.


    I feel the woman''s eyes on us. I am sure we look sus as fuck.


    We get to the aisle of condoms and he waits for me to pick one. I look around at all the different types and sizes. Who knew there was so many to pick from.


    ''''Which one would you use?'''' I ask him knowing full well that he is sexually active.


    He groans out loud and I turn to the woman by the counter and sure enough, she is still watching us ''''Are we talking about my sex life now,'''' I sense the discomfort in his tone.


    ''''No, you know I did some research. I know I''m the bottom. At least I think I am. The last time we almost had sex, he was¡­ you know¡­ at the giving end.''''


    He groans even louder.


    I really am shocked at myself, talking about this so casually but I need to get comfortable with sex because it is part of my plan to get my man.


    ''''This is insane,'''' jack mumbles exasperatedly ''''You''ve seen my¡­.uh¡­ you know,'''' he mutters, I wait for him to continue ''''Do I match up to lover boy?''''


    He is talking about his dick. Okay, I have seen Jack naked. Ford is bigger, and this is not an exaggeration. He is at least an inch bigger than Jack.


    ''''He''s bigger than you,''''


    Jack opens his eyes wide from the shock of my words and I laugh out loud. This is funny to me. I mean, we are bros. we should talk about sex with ease. Why is this so weird for him?


    ''''I can''t fucking believe this.'''' he grabs a packet from the shelf and tosses it to me.


    I grab it and there is a large XL on it. So, my man is an extra-large. Nice. There is nothing fancy about the one he picked ''''What about the flavoured ones? I see some nice ones here,'''' I reach for a strawberry one.


    Jack shakes his head and walks away from me. I laugh because it is hilarious to me. The lube is easier than condoms. So, I just grab a pack of those and pay for the stuff.


    ''''Don''t stop,'''' he moans out with desire in his eyes.


    I smile as I continue to jerk him off. This is me getting him all hot and bothered. My plan at seduction is working and I don''t plan on stopping. Ford is lost in the moment as I bend forward and press my lips to his. My hand continues with the up and down movement with an increase in speed. his body rocks back and forth in an attempt to get me to move at his pace and rhythm. I pull back from him suddenly and there is a mischievous smile on my face as I pull his boxers off in the speed of light.


    His expression is dazed. I feel the confusion in his mind. He hasn''t seen this side of me, I haven''t even seen this side of me.


    Now he is naked and at my mercy. I want more from him. I slide off him slowly. I want to taste him. he knows what I am about to do ''''What are you doing Lance?'''' he asks with heavy breaths.


    I shrug still smiling ''''Stop me, Ford. Tell me no and I will be off you in a flash,'''' I wink and he blushes crimson.


    My face is close to his dick¡ªhis XL dick and I remember Jack and his discomfort. That doesn''t stop me from taking him in my mouth. His moans are all I hear as I take him all in. thanks to some intense porn watching, I learnt deep throating. I didn''t even know it was a thing until last night, now all I want to do is make sure it has the same effect as the people in the porn videos.


    ''''Fuck,'''' he tries to control his screams but I feel him get harder beneath my lips. He moans and squirms beneath me as I go faster, already tasting the salty taste of his precum. He grabs my hair roughly but it is more pleasure than pain as he bobs my head to the pace he''d prefer. With his dick in my mouth, I manage a smile as I lick and suckle at the tip. I know the moment he is about to cum from the incoherent words he mumbles in between screams. This is the most flustered I have seen him.


    With a quick thrust, he releases into my mouth. My eyes are glued to his face, I watch him as I taste the most sacred part of him. with one gulp, I swallow him and I feel the sting as it goes down my throat.


    I am not done with him.


    But I feel a lot more fulfilled.

 Chapter 38 - Losing And Winning

    Ford.


    Lance.


    What are you doing to me?


    I don''t know what is going on.


    This feels like the fucking twilight zone in here. The room is hot, the air is dreary. I just came. I have never cum as hard as I did. Lance is not the kind to initiate. He is not controlling.


    What is he doing to me?


    There has been a smile on his face all morning. He said I could say no. he advised me to say no if I didn''t want it but how do I say know when this is the person I have craved for so long. I want to fuck him and he has no clue. He doesn''t know what goes on in my dreams. He thinks I am all for pushing him away but he has no idea how much I want him.


    At this point I want the ground to swallow me and get me out of my embarrassment. I became putty in his hands and from the look in his face, that is exactly what he wanted.


    He wanted to see me at this point.


    He wanted me weak and to crumble to his mercy.


    He slides up until we are staring at each other with his forehead pressed to mine. I am still breathing heavily. That was an intense orgasm. No girl or guy has even made me cum that hard before. I knew he would be different from the first day I saw him; there was something special about him and this just proves it. There will be no one like him.


    I will never find love again.


    This is the end game for me and if I don''t end up with him, I will end up alone. That much is sure.


    ''''How was that?'''' he asks.


    I close my eyes because staring at him is doing things to me that I shouldn''t be welcoming.


    He chuckles and bites my lip softly. I feel my dick rise again from a contact so small. I am not the only one that feels it because this gets a chortle from him ''''It''s my turn,'''' he whispers with his mouth on mine.


    I know what he is talking about ''''Why are you doing this to me?'''' I demand.


    He shrugs on top of me ''''I''m not doing anything you don''t want,'''' he smiles and grabs my dick again. I groan out from the contact and he kisses me again. This kiss is soft almost like a teaser and as he pulls back from my lips, I push his head back into my mouth. My body has a fucking mind of its own right now, I have thoughts in my head, my brain is failing at this fight.


    ''''I have something that will make this better,'''' he stands up from the bed and I feel colder. I feel detached but I watch him walk to his work table. There is a bag on it. He grabs it and runs over to the bed.


    ''''What is this?'''' I point to the bag.


    He pours the contents on the bed and my eyes open wide from the shock in front of me.


    ''''Why did you get condoms?''''


    He smiles ''''We need condoms to have sex¡­ duh.''''


    I sit up on the bed ''''When did you get these?''''


    ''''Last night.''''


    I frown ''''What happens after we have sex?''''


    I want to know what he is thinking. He wants to have sex with me, does sex change anything?


    ''''Nothing, people in relationships have sex all the time,'''' he shrugs like it is no big deal.


    ''''We are not in a relationship.''''


    ''''Because you''re suddenly my brother¡­ right?"


    He shifts closer to me, I try to budge away from him but he is persistent. I don''t know why he is being so stubborn. Almost like he is not even listening to me anymore.


    ''''I am not your brother.''''


    That is usually his line but suddenly I am the one saying it. It is wrong for him to call me his brother after the things we just did.


    He smiles ''''So why can''t we do this?"


    He sits on my lap and this time I don''t push him away; my hands wrap around his waist as he shifts in an attempt to get me hard again.


    ''''because we can''t be together.''''


    He sighs ''''We have been going over this back and forth for a while now. I know you are scared but I will be brave enough for the two of us,'''' he leans forwards and presses his lips to mine. I close my eyes as he slides his tongue into my mouth. I have morning breath, but the way he kisses me, tells me he doesn''t care.


    He lingers on the kiss for a second before pulling back slowly ''''Have sex with me. Please.''''


    I am red-faced and flushed at his words. This is a side to him I have never seen. ''''and then what?"


    He shrugs ''''And then nothing. We try to make this relationship work. We can keep it from everyone. My mom, your dad. We can be a secret until we are old enough to leave everything behind.''''


    His words sound appealing.


    Leave everything and everyone behind.


    I have prayed and hoped there would be a time where I can leave everyone behind.


    These things are easier said than done.


    ''''I am here, trying to convince you that I believe we can work. I want to fight for us because I have never loved anyone as much as I love you.''''


    My heart jolts in my chest.


    ''''I am scared.''''


    This is me caving in.


    Lance has been my weakness from the moment I met him. I have tried to be the smart one from the beginning of this. being sensible, so that we don''t get hurt but now, here, in this room, it looks like we are both hurting.


    I want him to stop hurting.


    I want the smile on his face to be permanent.


    Being with me makes him happy.


    Being with him makes me happy.


    So why am I pushing him away?


    Why do I care about my father when he doesn''t even give a shit about me? Why do I care about his mother when I don''t even know her.


    The only person I actually care about in my life is sitting in front of me and pulling me closer and I can''t deny him.


    He is okay with being a secret.


    I don''t want him to be some kind of dirty little secret but he is right. This is not forever, just until I can get out of the family.


    He seems to think this can work.


    What is stopping me?


    ''''You want to try this?"


    He nods and slings his arms across my neck, this brings him closer to my face. I welcome the contact wholeheartedly.


    ''''More than you can imagine, I got all this last night. I was going to seduce you,'''' he beams almost too proud of himself.


    ''''Do you think it worked?"


    He nods his head incessantly.


    I shake my head ''''What happens if they find out?''''


    He chuckles ''''We can run away together.''''


    Run away.


    How can I run away from someone that has so much power? If I try to run away from him, I am 100% sure he will find me. I don''t say this to Lance because I don''t want to be the buzzkill to his excitement.


    ''''We have to make sure they don''t find out; can you do that?"


    His smile widens.


    It is contagious because I end up smiling too.


    ''''Are you saying yes to me?" he watches me with hopeful eyes.


    With the smile on my face, I lean forward and press my lips to his. This time he grabs my hair to deepen the kiss. With my eyes closed, I slide my tongue into his mouth and he moans out loud. At this point, he has receded all control to me. Slowly, I grab him by his waist and push him to the bed softly, this time with me on top. He wants this and I want this, I am done pushing him away. I am done denying my feelings.


    With my lips still pressed to his, I reach for his shorts and pull them off with one swift movement.


    I want this so much.


    He opens his eyes and now we are both naked. This is the way I wanted it. I wanted this and I am getting it. Who knew I could get what I want?


    "Are you sure about this?" I ask him slowly as I pull away from him. he opens his eyes and there is a dreamy smile on his face.


    ''''I watched gay porn last night,'''' he blurts out, upon realization he hides his face in my chest.


    I laugh at his words ''''How was it?"


    With his face still hidden, he mumbles into my chest ''''It was weird but it made me want to try it with you."


    He is giving me the green light.


    I want this bad.

 Chapter 39 - Sex At Last.

    Lance.


    This is what it feels like to finally win after a long battle with the man you love.


    Ford is still unsure; I can see it in his eyes but he is finally accepting me. He is accepting this. I watch him as he positions himself in between my legs, his right thigh presses on my junk. It is the most ecstatic feeling ever. ''''This is your yes. You are ready to be with me?" I question with so much excitement.


    He grins and slowly slides his hands over my body and I tremble from just that touch. Slowly his entire body moves down my figure. Disappearing until his chest is hovering over my hips. The smile is still on his face ''''Is this answer enough for you?" he doesn''t wait for a reply as he takes my cock in his mouth all at once. I moan out from the pure pleasure of this simple act. My hands squeeze the sheets tightly as I try to compose myself. Here I am acting like someone that has never been touched before.


    Looking at him, I can only make the top of his head, his beautiful, beautiful hair as he starts out slow, up and down. I let go of the sheets with one hand and grab unto his hair. He looks up at me but doesn''t stop. His eyes shine through the sunlight peeking out of the window. The most beautiful grey eyes I have ever seen. The major highlight of his perfect face. His hands work their magic as they slide across my thigh, then sprawl across my stomach. These are just simple touches, but they are driving me insane. This is intense, he is doing this with his whole heart. I can feel the want, the fucking need as he goes faster, wanting nothing but to please me.


    I am a mess beneath him, a moaning, groaning, whimpering mess. Sweat trickles down his face and falls unto his skin. It glistens, like a beautiful diamond against his flush red skin. His fluids mixing with mine doesn''t seem gross. It makes me feel one with him.


    He stops suddenly and I watch him as he moves back up until he is face to face with me ''''Are you sure about this?" he asks even though he already knows my answer. I was at the peak and he stooped which is making me a little frustrated right now.


    I want that release that he just robbed me off.


    ''''Just fuck me already,'''' I groan smashing my lips into his.


    This kiss is desperate, full of longing. I force my tongue into his mouth and he welcomes me wholeheartedly. Grinding against him as a tease, an invitation, something to get this man where I want him.


    He grabs the condom from a corner of the bed where it was somehow tossed to and I watch him use his teeth to rip it off at one go "XL?" he raises a brow in question.


    My cheeks turn red ''''I compared yours to Jacks'''' I remember last night again and this makes me laugh.


    He smiles and wraps the rubber around his cock. It seems like something he has done a lot but I don''t question it, I don''t get jealous. The fact that he is experienced is good. It makes this even better.


    ''''I need to get you ready," he breathes into my ear.


    I whimper out from how sexy he looks but also manage a nod. I want him to do whatever he wants me today. I have wanted this for so long. I can''t wait anymore. Slowly he grabs the packet of lube and pours some on his hands.


    ''''I''ll just use my fingers to open you up. Let me know if it hurts."


    Before I know what is happening a finger is in me. The lube is cold, which makes his fingers cold. I try to understand the feeling of his finger inside me. I stiffen as he twirls it around "Are you okay?" he asks with worry eyes.


    I lean forward and place a soft kiss on his lips. This is my way of letting him know I am fine. He smiles and deepens the kiss with his hand still inside me, the kiss is a good distraction because all I can focus on is the kiss and not the discomfort in my nether region.


    Slowly, he adds another finger and then more lube. I feel my body adjusting to him. my body embracing every bit of him.


    He feels it too.


    ''''How does it feel?" he whispers to me.


    This is our private time.


    Just between the two of us.


    Out little secret.


    With three fingers inside me, the discomforting feeling slowly evaporates and a certain pleasure kicks in. it is a tingling sensation, the kind that pleads for more.


    ''''It feels good. Keep going,'''' I grab unto him with heavy breaths and he grins widely, almost like this was the reaction he was waiting for.


    He twirls and twists faster with his fingers and I feel a whimper in between my lips. Suddenly he pulls his fingers out of me and I groan because I want more, I don''t want him to stop. he is teasing me and enjoying every second of it.


    ''''More," I breathe heavily.


    He nods and slides until he is on top of me. One of his hands gently caresses my face and I feel the other one around my opening. "There is no going back baby,'''' he manages as I feel his tip against my core.


    All sense of reasoning has gone out of the window. There is nothing but desire in my mind. I feel him slowly enter me. There is something amazing about this, something I never want to forget. The look in his eyes as he slides deeper into me.


    "Fuck," I moan out.


    He stops even though this as much torture to him. "You good?" he questions.


    I nod and grab his butt, pushing him into me. There is pain, no doubt about that but the pleasure is insurmountable. A cry escapes my lips and he starts moving again, watching me. his eyes never leave mine. I try to be as cool as him, as composed as he is but this is a lot. I have never felt so many things at the same time. Ford is still moving inside me slowly, almost like he is scared to hurt me. so, I take the initiative and push him deeper.


    "Don''t stop," I plead desperately for me.


    He takes my suggestion to heart and goes faster. My heart beats a mile a minute against my chest. I tremble against him but that doesn''t stop him. The more I quiver, the faster and deeper he goes. Without warning, he pushes into me so hard that something feels different. Something so amazing, something I have never felt in my whole life. I scream as he hits the spot again. A gleam surfaces in his eyes.


    I cry out from the immense pleasure. He kisses me to quiet down my scream as he continues to hit that spot. At this point, all I see are stars. My vision is blurry, my breath heavy. Ford grabs my cock and starts to play with it. A lot is happening at the same time and I don''t think I can last any longer. He keeps moving inside me and I tenses up as I feel the release take over.


    Ford doesn''t stop moving, even after I spill all over him. there is a mess, a mess everywhere that I don''t even care about. His eyes bore into mine and I feel him as he grunts out loudly. he crashes on top of me and I let out an awaited breath still under him. we are both sweating all over each other but he pulls me closer to him not even caring.


    "Wow," He manages.


    "Yeah,'''' I nod in agreement.


    Ford stays in my arms and I hold unto him afraid that I will wake up from the beautiful dream I just experienced. I watch him and his eyes never stray from me. the look on his face is scary because of how overwhelming it is.


    "Thank you for not giving up on me,"


    I manage a smile but I am in La La land right now.


    "I love you."


    He pulls out of me after those words and I watch him stand up from the bed with the condom in his grip. He walks out of the room and I wait for him to come back. I close my eyes as I try to remember today. I don''t ever want to forget this moment. This day that he gave us a chance. It will forever be etched to my memory.


    The door opens again and he has a bowl and a towel in his grip. He is still naked and I ogle his body because Damn, he is all mine. I can''t believe I got so lucky. I won the lottery with him.


    "Hi," he mutters.


    I blush "Hi."


    He kneels on the bed and the warm water hits my skin as he starts to clean me up. There is a smile on his face "You are fucking beautiful," he speaks softly.


    "Not as beautiful as you."


    After I am cleaned up, he walks back to the bathroom and I hear the door close as he comes back into the room "Do we still have time?"


    I furrow my brows, he explains "Is your mom coming any time soon?"


    I shake my head because I know she is at a work thing for the weekend. We can stay in our bubble longer. Without the worries that come with our family. I don''t want this day to end. He climbs on the bed and I wrap my arms around him.


    "Let''s just stay like this for the whole day."


    He nods and everything is right with the world.

 Chapter 40 - Almost Caught And Jealousy.

    Ford.


    "Favourite colour?"


    "Black, hands down," he answers.


    "Worst fear?"


    He looks at me with a serious expression and it makes my heart race. I watch his lips part as he reveals the answer "Right now, losing you." He pauses "Yours?"


    He is playing with the strands of my hair; we are sprawled on a blanket on his floor. His bed wasn''t big enough to take both of us side by side. We have been in bed all day. This has been the most perfect day of my life. If I could have weekends like this with him, then I wouldn''t ask for anything else.


    "You hating me," those words might be lacklustre but they mean everything to me. I will take losing him over him hating me. I don''t want to ever disappoint him; I don''t want to be the cause of tears in his eyes. The only thing I want to be responsible for is his happiness.


    "I doubt I will ever hate you," he rolls his eyes, almost like he can''t even fathom the thought.


    "I will never do anything to make you hate me. I will never hurt you. From this moment, till the day that I die, I will live to make you happy. To only bring smiles to your face."


    He turns to his side and rests his elbow on the floor, I smile because looking at him is even better than lying down next to him. the imperfection that makes him all the more perfect to me. the freckles, the acne, how red he gets. These are the things I love and appreciate about him. I wouldn''t change anything about him.


    ''''I''m never letting you go," he shakes his head continuously.


    "Neither am I. I am too deep in this. I can''t let go of this again. You pushed and you''ve won. Now there is no letting me go." I pull him closer and wrap my arms around his waist tightly. He slides his face into the crook of my neck and I inhale deeply, to register this scent in me forever.


    I hear the jingles of keys outside his room and freeze in his arms. It sounds like the front door. Lance pulls away from me immediately and sits up. We are both naked. This room smells of sex. I just hope it is not who I think it is.


    "Thought your mom wasn''t coming today?" I question standing up from the floor. I grab the blanket and cover up my junk as he hurries to put on random clothes from the chair by his table.


    "Shit. I thought so too."


    He ends up wearing a different pair of shorts and a dirty shirt. there are brown stains on the sleeves.


    "Lance," I hear his mother''s voice.


    I recognise her voice instantly. I have met her too many times to forget. Her footsteps are loud. "I''m not decent," he shouts so she wouldn''t barge into the room.


    Lance walks over to a drawer and grabs a pair of shorts and a shirt. I know they will be too tight instantly but this is not the time to be selective. I put the clothes on hurriedly terrified out of my mind. this is just the first day. The first fucking day of doing this lowkey dating and we are about to be caught. How do I explain being here? Shit.


    "What do we say?" I ask him in a hushed tone.


    He runs his hands through his hair "We''re friends. She already knows that. You were just hanging out."


    I don''t know how we are going to lie our way out of this because this looks hella suspicious but it is too soon to get caught. I don''t want this to end. I want to stay in this bubble for as long as possible. Sure enough, his clothes are tight on me. even without looking at the mirror, I can already tell from the way the sleeves of the shirt hug my arms. Lance chuckles, and I roll my eyes because I am nervous as fuck "Not funny babe, how are we going to get out of this?" I raise a brow.


    He shrugs and walks over to me. he slings his arms around my neck and tiptoes. On his toes, he almost matches up to my height "It''s going to be alright. My mom is not the sharpest at figuring things out. I will handle this."


    He plants a soft peck on my lips and I release a sigh because touching him makes me feel better. He has taken away all my worries with just a little assurance and a kiss. He lets go of me and I watch him walk out of the house. I see my shoes in a corner in the room and put them on immediately. I can''t have his mother suspecting anything. I am not ready for this to end.


    I doubt I ever will be.


    I hear their voices through the door and after a couple of seconds, he walks back into the room. "She wants to say hi."


    "What if she recognises your clothes?"


    He smiles "I told her you spent the night. She doesn''t suspect a thing. It''s fine."


    His mom is okay with me spending the night. She already thinks we are bonding. She thinks this will help her relationship with my father. I wish I could give her some kind of warning on what kind of man he is but it is not in my place. I can''t do anything but watch them, I know it wouldn''t last. My father is not the best person to be in a relationship with but there is nothing I can say or do.


    We walk out of his room together and Mrs Wellborn is seated on the couch. She stands up when she sees me and there is like the brightest smile on her face. Can she really be that excited to see me? she always has this happy expression on her face whenever she sees me. I know it is not genuine. She just wants me to like her. I am her boyfriend''s son. She has to pretend, even if she doesn''t really like me.


    Brad honey, this is a pleasant surprise." She walks over to me and wraps her hands around me for an embrace. I am caught off guards which just makes me stand with both arms at my sides. I don''t know what she is expecting but it is definitely not to hug her back.


    She pulls back from the hug and the smile is still on her face. I glance at Lance and he has a sheepy smile on his face. This must be fun for him, but it is awkward as fuck right now.


    "Have you guys had dinner, should I make something quick for us. Or we could order Chinese?"


    I shake my head because I don''t want to sit through another awkward dinner. "I was about to leave."


    "Are you sure you can''t stay?" she looks disappointed.


    "I have a lot of homework, maybe next time."


    Lance snickers and I glare at him.


    With her look of disappointment, she sighs "Alright, but you owe me a family dinner. All four of us." She added my dad to the mix. It is upsetting to me that with her involved, he wants us to sit down at a dinner table as a family. I don''t ever sit down with him for a meal.


    So now with lance and his mom in the picture we have to pretend like we are this perfect family.


    It sucks.


    "Alright, ma''am."


    We walk out of his house and he grabs my arm gently. I hold him and he smiles "You were so awkward back there," he points out.


    With an eye roll "You were too, at my house."


    He chuckles "Your father was so fake, I thought he''d just adopt me there and then."


    He stops walking in front of an apartment door and knocks on it. I look at him as we wait in front of the door and he explains without me saying anything "Jack''s place. We need his key to get you home."


    "I can call a car," I object.


    He shakes his head immediately "No way¡­ I want to spend more time with you." He beams, my heart melts at how adorable he is.


    The door opens suddenly and Jack groans when he sees us. This is his best friend; jack looks like the kind of person I''d get along with and the way he treats Lance makes me like him the more.


    "You guys fucked." He looks at our hands linked together.


    Lance nods proudly, I furrow my brows in confusion. "So the heist to get a fucking condom last night paid off."


    Its weird that they are so open about stuff like this. I wish I had someone to talk to about these kinds of stuff. Lance nods his head and speaks up "I need to borrow your car."


    Jack rolls his eyes and closes the door, on our faces. I don''t know what this means but Lance is not bothered. The door opens suddenly and he tosses the key to him "See ya later," without another word he shuts the door again.


    "Come on," ''Lance leads me down the stairs.


    We get outside in a couple of minutes and he leads us to an underground parking lot full of cars. A guy stops walking in front of us and he has a smile on his face when he notices us "Hey," he waves slowly.


    Lance smiles widely "Patrick." He exclaims.


    Jealousy seeps out as I watch him with this very handsome man. they seem to know each other. This Patrick guy moves closer and I want to punch him in the fucking face.


    Who the hell is this?


    And why is he looking at my boyfriend like he is a piece of meat?

 Chapter 41 - Drop Offs And Fear.

    Ford.


    Patrick.


    Is this how Lance felt when he saw me with Lisa?


    I watch them, they are conversing. Words that are meaningless to me make me upset.


    "This is my neighbour turned good friend Patrick," Lance points to him. this is his introduction.


    I don''t want to be the jealous boyfriend but the way Patrick is looking at lance is getting on my nerves. I know that look, he knows what he is doing. Almost like he wants me to see it. He wants me to know how he feels about him. Lance seems oblivious, he is proud to show off his friend.


    With a frown, I take his hands in mine for a handshake. I don''t want to do or say anything to upset him.


    "You might not remember me from last night." I crease my brows in confusion as I let go of his hand "You know, at the bar. I helped put you in bed, ruined my shoes."


    My heart stops in my chest. He was with Lance yesterday. So he saw me at that state. Fucking hell.


    "He''s messing around," Lance hits his shoulder playfully and this gets a brighter smile from Patrick my new sworn enemy. I don''t get the joke, I don''t find him charming, one bit.


    "I''ll go bring the car around, get to know each other." Lance walks away from us without even waiting for an agreement from me.


    I don''t want to get to know Patrick. I already hate him.


    We stand there, I remain quiet. He coughs nervously "So you guys settle things?" he declares.


    I frown "We never had anything to settle."


    I won''t give him the chance to make small talk, or get any insight to our relationship.


    "Oh¡­. cool, cool."


    "What do you want from Lance. I can see the way you look at him." I accuse him in the form of a question.


    The smug smile remains on his face "How do I look at him?"


    I don''t know this guy but I can already tell that I don''t like him. he is gloating right now. He knows that I can tell and he wants me to know. He wants to get to my skin and it is working.


    Fuck, I hate this.


    "You have feelings for him," I state.


    He laughs heartily "You can tell this from a look?"


    "You might have him fooled but I see right through you."


    He walks closer to me with the fucking smile still plastered to his face. I want to slap that smile off his face so bad "What do you want to do about it?"


    "Stay away from him," I warn him. it is unfair to do this kind of thing when I still have Lisa lingering around but I am a jealous person. I don''t like to share my man. Lance is mine, I don''t want this guy lingering around, tempting him.


    A black Camaro drives by and stops in front of us and Lance peeks out through the window smiling "Get in. Patrick, ill stop by later." He winks and i frown. Stop by later?


    What the fuck.


    Patrick nods and I watch him say goodbye to lance. the anger boiling within me. Lance might not see it or he might pretend not to see it but it is clear to me. I don''t want to say something in case it upsets him. I don''t want to remind him of all the flaws I have. Jealousy would be an addition to my imperfections.


    "Are you okay?" he notices on our drive to my house.


    I manage a nod.


    He frowns "You know I can tell something is wrong," he glances at me with a preppy smile "Spit it out boyfriend," he adds.


    A smile crawls to my face "I don''t like Patrick."


    The part of me that wants to be completely honest with him blurts it out. I don''t want to show this insecure side of me but I also want to be completely transparent with him.


    He smiles "He is nothing more than a friend to me."


    I nod "I know but he wants more." I tell him from all the things I noticed.


    "I know." My eyes shoot up to him at his words, he looks at me for a second before he continues ??I can tell that much but he also knows how much you mean to me. he knows that I will never feel the same way about him."


    Instantly, his words make me feel better. I don''t want that guy to find a way to Lance''s heart. With the problems we have to face in our relationship, it will be pretty easy for him to sway. Being with Patrick might be easier, he might get frustrated with me. he might let go of what we have when he gets a taste of something better.


    "You''re overthinking again. You are the most important person in my life. think about how hard it was to convince you to be mine. Do you think I''d do that if this wasn''t real?"


    He reminds me.


    Just yesterday, I thought I had lost him and now he is my boyfriend. I plan to keep him, for a very long time.


    "I love you Brad or is it, Ford? Why did you tell me your name was Ford when you are a Brad?" he blurts out.


    I smile at the randomness of the question.


    "Ford is my middle name. I really wanted to be someone else when I met you. I didn''t want to be Brad."


    "Who is Brad?"


    "Brad is a coward; he is scared of everything. He does what he is told. He isn''t brave enough to be who he is."


    He sighs "Who is Ford."


    I smile brightly "Ford is Lance''s boyfriend."


    *****************


    I say goodbye to Lance and walk into the house. Father is waiting for me in the living room. I don''t know what this is about, but I know it is nothing good. There is a grim expression on his face, almost like I am about to be scolded.


    "Have a seat." he directs me.


    I obey him because today is not the day to have any issues. I am still floating around my bubble. I am still in the world of Lance and nothing will ruin it for me.


    "Where have you been?"


    I furrow my brows in confusion. When did he start asking about my whereabouts?


    "What is this about?"


    He glares at me in a ''you don''t want to test my patience'' way. This is what he does. He always finds something to complain about. I always end up doing something that he doesn''t approve of.


    "I was with Lance," I tell him honestly because I know Mary will tell him. there is no way she wouldn''t gloat about the fact that her son is getting along with his.


    "You''re drinking again." He ignores my honesty.


    "No, I''m not." I lie.


    I don''t want him to know. I don''t want him to lock me up again.


    "You''re lying." He reaches for an envelope on the table next to him and my heart stops in my chest. He throws the envelope to me and I grab it before it falls to the floor. I already know what it entails but I still open it.


    Pictures.


    So many pictures.


    Of me.


    At different bars.


    Walking out.


    Drunk out of my fucking ass.


    I run my hands through my hair because I don''t know what to say. There is nothing I can say. He caught me, he actually had someone follow me this time. He has never stooped so low.


    "I can explain."


    He stands up from the chair and my heart beats in my chest, terrified. I don''t know what he is going to do with this information. This disappointment will make him lash out.


    I have to expect the worst.


    "I am getting married in a week and you pull this stunt so close to my wedding." His voice is so calm and collected.


    If I didn''t know him better, I would think he actually cares about me. "I promise, this is not like the last time."


    He frowns "Are you still taking your meds?"


    I nod.


    It is a lie.


    "I am giving you a week. Trust me, you can''t hide it from me. if I find out that you are still drinking. I will lock you up again." He walks out of the room after laying that threat and I release a breath of relief. He is being lenient because of his wedding.


    I look at my hands and they are shaking profusely.


    The fear I gave for this man is too much to handle. My phone beeps in my pocket and I grab it for a distraction. Sure enough, the message displayed on the screen brings a smile to my face. I forget about my dad, I forget about all my fear, all my problems.


    I love you, Ford.

 Chapter 42 - Lunch And Dinner Dates.

    Lance.


    Everything has been perfect.


    Being in a relationship with the love of my life, acing all my classes at school, having the best friend I could ever ask for.


    Perfect life.


    The only downer is the fact that I haven''t to attend a wedding that I don''t approve of in a couple of days. Everything has been happening in a rush. Mom seems excited and extra moody granted she is allowed to be a bridezilla. It is her day but I wish it would just come to an end already. There are boxes all over the apartment. We are moving the day before the wedding. Five more days to the wedding and I am in a frenzy. Everything is changing and I hate change so much.


    No one asked me if I wanted to live with John and act like a family. Ford has been quiet about everything. Things between us have been great, even though deep down I know he is not happy with all that is happening. I have tried to be there for him, get him to talk to me but he tries to avoid talking about his dad. He said he wants to stay in our bubble. Our happiness.


    "Where do you want this to go?"


    I look up from my clothes and Ford is watching me with the sexiest smile on his face. He is holding unto some frames that used to be on my table. My room has never been that homey. I never really had stuff except for fort my clothes and computer but now it looks even emptier. I hate moving, but I have no choice and I am glad I have Ford with me through this.


    "In that box over there." I point to a box labelled as stuff.


    He chuckles and walks over to the box "What would you say about going on a real date with me?"


    He drops the frames in the box and walks over to me by the bed. I manage a smile as he wraps his arms around my neck and looks at my eyes intently.


    "Are we allowed to?"


    He grins and the one dimple on his face pops out, I reach for the dentation and slide my right thumb on it. He closes his eyes and I watch his reaction to just a touch from me.


    Mom is out for a dress fitting. I know for a fact she won''t be back until later in the day, so we have the whole day at home alone.


    "We can go to the next town. Somewhere no one will recognise us," he lets go of me suddenly and then grabs both my hands in his. His offer is so tempting. I want to go somewhere I could be proud to call him mine. Where we don''t have to hide who we are.


    "When can we do this?"


    He smiles.


    Then exhales, almost like he is relieved I want this as much as I do. Ford still doesn''t understand what he means to me. I know I am young, just a seventeen-year-old. I don''t know much about life. I haven''t lived long enough to know anything but I know for a fact that I am sure about how I feel for him. this is not just young love. This is not something you can say that will fade. The way I feel for him will never change.


    "Tonight, before everything gets mad?"


    It is a question but I agree immediately with a nod. He pulls me off the bed and most of my clothes fall to the floor. I ignore the mess and stand on my toes to get to his lips. The kiss is chaste. Nothing sexual about it but we are so engrossed in it that I don''t hear the door open until Jack walks into the room.


    "Get a room," he shrieks. I pull away from Ford and he laughs "Oh wait, you are in a room already."


    Jack doesn''t read the room and jumps on the bed, ruffling the sheets in the process. He looks up at us with a smile on his face "Did I interrupt something?"


    I roll my eyes and Ford just gives him a smile. Ford likes Jack. Well, I didn''t expect anything more considering Jack is his number one supporter.


    "No, you aren''t" he lets go of me and goes to the corner of the room. I watch him grab his phone and keys from the table. Slowly walking back to me he grabs my hand again "I will pick you up by 7?"


    He is talking about our date. I already can''t wait to spend more time with him. alone time with the love of my life is all I ever ask for. he kisses me on my lips and walks out of the room and not long after I hear the door shut.


    "You have a date tonight?"


    I nod.


    He sits up on the bed and crosses his legs "You guys are taking this seriously. I am proud of you." He exclaims.


    I smile sheepishly because I am proud of myself. This is all thanks to Patrick. I know Ford doesn''t like him but I owe him my relationship. If it wasn''t for him, I wouldn''t have the courage to fight for this. I wouldn''t have been brave enough if it wasn''t for that night with him.


    "Where''s mama dear?" he asks, picking up the clothes I have placed on the bed. I am supposed to have been done packing but a part of me is procrastinating on this. I don''t want to move; I don''t want to leave my best friend. The fact that we have been together all my life and now I have to live so far away is what hurts. Yes, I would be closer to Ford but not in the way I really want to be.


    I don''t want to be moving in with him as a brother. I want to be moving in with him as my boyfriend, as my lover as my future husband. This is the 21st century, getting married is legal in almost all states in the united states. It is possible to be with him for the rest of my life in that way, but how possible will it be when his father finds out about us.


    "She''s all over the place,"


    I roll my eyes.


    Jack grabs a shirt from the pile and raises it up in the air "This is mine," he raises a brow.


    I shift my eyes guiltily because he lent me this shirt months ago and I thought I lost it, so I never returned it back "You can have it back."


    He rolls his eyes "You can keep it." He tosses the shirt into the suitcase on the floor and I smile still thinking about my night with Ford. I can''t wait to be in his arms.


    I already miss him and he just left.


    I hear a knock on the door and Jack jumps off the bed and runs out of my room to answer it. Jack is my real brother; he is the one I want as a brother, not Ford. Walking out of the door, I see Patrick and he has a smile on his face.


    "Hi."


    I walk closer and notice that Jack is sneering at him. he doesn''t like him and I doubt he ever will.


    "What are you doing here?"


    Jack walks away from us without saying anything and I watch him enter my room and shut the door. I turn back to him and he is still smiling. I don''t like the way he looks at me because deep down, I know why he is looking at me.


    "I was wondering if we could grab a quick lunch together?" he looks expectant and honestly, I don''t have the will to refuse him. I feel indebted to him, he is a very nice guy. I like hanging out with him. there is no problem in having lunch with him.


    "sure. Let me just grab my phone from my room." He nods and I walk back into the room. Jack looks up from his phone.


    "I''m going for lunch with Patrick. Do you want anything?"


    "Why?"


    I crease my brows "cause I am hungry, he is hungry. You want to join us?" I know he is trying to find a way to convince me not to go for this lunch.


    He stands up from the bed "Yes I will. We will take my car since we can''t all fit on his motorcycle." I sigh because I don''t know what he is up to. He jumped at the opportunity too fast. I know jack. He is up to something.


    Hurriedly I see him walk out of my room and straight to Patrick "We''re taking my car, come on."


    Patrick furrows his brows in confusion and I explain to him "I asked him to join us."


    "Don''t want to be alone with me?"


    I laugh nervously "No, I like hanging out with you. He''s just hungry."


    He raises a brow in disbelief and I manage a nervous smile "Okay If you say so."


    We walk out of the house and I hope Jack doesn''t do anything at this lunch because all I want to think about is Ford and our night together.

 Chapter 43 - I Like You And Backlash.

    Lance.


    Whose idea was this?


    Why did I bring Jack to this lunch?


    ''''So, you know my boy is totally in love island right now?'''' he slings his arm over my shoulders. We are in the same booth while Patrick is opposite us. There is a look of disinterest in his face. Almost like he doesn''t want to hear about me and Ford.


    ''''Sure,'''' he rolls his eyes as he takes a bite of his burger.


    My eyes dart around the table because this is hella awkward. It is obvious that Jack doesn''t like Patrick. We all know this but I wish he would just tone down a bit on his obviousness.


    ''''Why are you still hanging around then?''''


    I look at Patrick for the answer to his question.


    He shrugs ''''We are friends.'''' He dismisses any other thought.


    Jack scoffs ''''Friends¡­ sure,'''' he drawls his last word out.


    I release a sigh of frustration as I kick him under the table. he grabs his leg and Patrick chuckles at the scene in front of him. I just want to get through this lunch but it seems like Jack wants to be a pest to Patrick.


    ''''Cut it out,'''' I warn him so low.


    He laughs with an eye roll ''''It''s fine. I know your friend is just being protective. He sees me as a threat, feels like I am going to steal you away from him.''''


    Jack scowls ''''This is not about me. I know your game. I have played that game before. Just because you stay in the side-lines and act like you just want to be friends doesn''t mean you will win his heart,'''' he takes a sip of his milkshake ''''I know your type.''''


    ''''What''s my type?''''


    At this point, I am just watching them. I don''t know how to stop this altercation. This is all my fault. I brought Jack to this lunch, if I had just left him at home, all this wouldn''t be happening.


    ''''The desperate type. the one that always wants to take what isn''t his.''''


    The harshness in his tone is mind-boggling. I don''t like the way he is talking to him. I grab Jack by the sleeves of his shirt before Patrick can retaliate, he tries to push my grip from him, but I keep my stance until we are out of the restaurant.


    ''''What is wrong with you?'''' he whines.


    I frown because this is not even funny at all ''''Why are you being a bitch?''''


    He laughs ''''I am on your side.''''


    I shake my head ''''There is no need for sides. He hasn''t done anything wrong. Why do you hate him so much?''''


    ''''Because I see the way he looks at you.''''


    ''''He hasn''t made a move. We have been alone so many times. He hasn''t said anything. He genuinely wants to just be friends.''''


    I know Patrick has a thing for me. I know there are feelings involved in whatever is going on with him but he respects me and he hasn''t pushed any boundaries. In fact, he has been so thoughtful towards me, he pushed me to be with Ford. I can''t fault him because he hasn''t done anything wrong.


    Jack is pro-Ford but he is being a jerk towards Patrick and I think it is very unfair. I won''t stand by and watch him torture the guy.


    ''''He is trying to act like a friend until he can make a move. I know what he is doing,'''' he tells me defensively.


    I sigh ''''He was the one that convinced me to fight for Ford. He is the reason why we are together right now.''''


    Jack laughs ''''I told you to fight for ford. Numerous times, just cause he said it doesn''t mean he is the reason. You and ford would have come back together eventually. That was the inevitable man.''''


    ''''That''s beside the point.''''


    He doesn''t want to understand me.


    I just wish he would get along with him. I don''t want Patrick to go anywhere. I want him to be my friend. I don''t have that many friends. What is the harm in adding on to the book?


    ''''Look, he needs to be reminded. He needs to know that you are taken. I am doing you a favour.''''


    I roll my eyes ''''He knows. Can we just get through this lunch peacefully?''''


    ''''You will see what I am talking about. Eventually.''''


    Jack thinks he knows everything. He is choosing to dislike the guy for things he hasn''t done yet. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. I don''t want to think about how he might feel, what he might do, the advances he might make later on.


    I just want to be friends with him.


    Is that so much to ask?


    ''''Forget about all that. When we go back in there, I want you to apologise to him.''''


    He bends his head backwards ''''Fuck you dude. I will remind you of this day.'''' He doesn''t wait for me as he walks back into the restaurant.


    The rest of the lunch goes by smoothly and all it took was dragging Jack out of there. Patrick grabs my arm gently as we walk out of the restaurant. Jack raises a brow in question ''''Can I get a second with him?''''


    There is a suspicious look on his face but he just walks away from us after muttering ''''I''ll be in the car.''''


    Patrick sighs and I walk with him to a corner ''''Is everything okay?''''


    He nods and I watch as he scratches the back of his neck nervously ''''Do you think I want to steal you from your boyfriend?''''


    So apparently jack did crawl into his skin.


    He is bothered by everything jack said.


    ''''No.''''


    He smiles but there is no sincerity in the smile.


    ''''I like you. I really like you. I am not gay. I have never been gay. I don''t even know if I am attracted to you. I just know that you fucking intrigue me.''''


    I don''t know why he is telling me all this. these are not things I want to hear from him. I like our dynamic and now Jack has fucking messed this all up.


    ''''Why are you telling me this?''''


    He sighs, my eyes shift away from him because I don''t even want to look at him as he confesses his fucking feelings to me. I knew how he felt. The day he saw Ford. I could see it in his eyes. The jealousy but I chose to ignore it. Act like I didn''t see it. Not put too much meaning to it. Ford doesn''t seem like the jealous kind but he is jealous of him. he saw it too.


    ''''I don''t know,'''' he paces around in the middle of the street. I take a deep breath because I already know what I need to do. I can''t be friends with him if he wants more ''''Look, I will never come between you and Ford. I am not that kind of person that your friend seems to think. I like you and I don''t want to lose this.''''


    ''''What is this?''''


    I genuinely want to know what he thinks we have. I think we are friends. He is slowly becoming someone of importance to me.


    ''''We''re friends.''''


    He says it so casually. He honestly believes that is all we are.


    ''''Are you okay with being friends?''''


    He nods ''''Very okay with it. I wouldn''t try to do anything. I wouldn''t push or force myself on you. That is not the kind of person I am.'''' He keeps repeating those words.


    He is trying to convince himself.


    Not me.


    ''''I love Ford,'''' I tell him point-blank.


    He nods ''''I know, I told you to fight for him. I meant it. Don''t let it go. Never let that kind of love go.''''


    ''''Then why are you telling me all this if you don''t want anything from me.'''' I want to know what is going on in his head. Patrick literally came into my life in a flash and somehow, he found a way into my heart. I care about him, I like hanging out with him and I don''t want to let this go. Good people are hard to come by and he is a good person.


    I have no doubt about that.


    ''''Your friend said something today that really hit close to home. it got to me. I am not a bad person. I am not going to do anything to make you hate me. I won''t get in your way.''''


    ''''I like you too, I don''t want to stop being friends but if you can''t handle being just that, then I will make this easier for you and let you go. I won''t lead you on, nothing can ever happen between us.''''


    I have to be cold.


    Hit the nail on the head.


    Don''t want him thinking there is hope when my heart belongs to someone else.

 Chapter 44 - Hurtful Words And Sudden Anger.

    Ford.


    The last date we had ended up with a break-up.


    This time, it has to be perfect.


    The drive back to my house is fast, all my nerves kick in as I think of spending the whole night with him alone. I have missed being intimate with him. after we had sex, things between us happened fast. I have never been surer about anything in my life than being with him.


    My phone blares brightly against the console in my car and I know it can''t be Lance, he sent me a text a couple of minutes ago. He said he was going for lunch with Patrick.


    Patrick, my sworn enemy. The man that has eyes for my boyfriend. I completely trust lance. There is no doubt in my mind that what he feels for me is real because we have come a long way, but when someone as good looking as Patrick is lurking in the corners, I can''t help but be worried. I have to keep a tight leash or else I might end up losing him.


    Just the slightest thing I do might push him away from me.


    He is the only one I would want to talk to. He is the only one that gives me joy in my life. I haven''t thought about my dad and the threat he made that night. Sending me away, that would be the easiest thing he could do. the fact that he doesn''t even give a shirt about me would make it easy for him. I haven''t had a drink since we started dating. He is the glue that is keeping me together. I know I have a problem if I have to depend on someone to get my shit together.


    I haven''t had any reason to think about alcohol and I hope I don''t get ay reasons in the future. For today, I just want to focus on my date with Lance and nothing else.


    I park the car in the driveway and grab my phone. There is a missed call from Lisa. The one person I don''t want to talk to today. I close the tab and lock my phone as I get down from the car. I am not ready for all the shit that comes with her. The last time I had an issue with Lance, it was all her fault¡ªokay, I know I can''t blame anyone but myself for my cowardice behaviour but you will understand when you get the bigger picture. Lisa knows something about me, that no one else knows. No even Lance. it is something I wish I could take to the grave and the fact that she knows basically that and everything else makes me do everything she says.


    I wouldn''t say she blackmails me but there is this tone in her voice. Almost like she knows that she has me at her mercy. It is something I have not been able to break out of.


    I see her face the moment I walk into the house and a loud sigh escapes from my lips.


    Fucking hell, what is she doing here?


    ''''Lisa, why are you here?''''


    She smiles and walks over to me, her eyes roam around as she wraps her arms around my waist for a hug. My hands stay limb on my sides but she doesn''t take a hint. ''''I missed you.''''


    That is her answer.


    She came over unannounced because she missed me. she is fond of this and frankly, it is pissing me the fuck off.


    ''''What if I wasn''t home?''''


    She rolls her eyes ''''That''s why I called you. Why weren''t you answering.'''' She is clutching unto my arm with a tight grip and I just wish she would let go of me.


    ''''I was driving.''''


    She nods and pulls me into the house. This is my house, but she thinks she has the right to walk in like she owns the fucking place. I blame my father; he is the one that gave her all the power she thinks she has.


    ''''Look, I have somewhere to be.''''


    She nods ''''Can I come with?'''' her lashes bat.


    I gag internally.


    Lisa is very beautiful with her slender figure, blond hair and green eyes. Every guy in school loves her. They all think I am stupid for dragging whatever is between us slowly. We should''ve been an item. The power couple of our set.


    No one knows the side of me I love the most. The person I wish I could be proudly.


    They all think I am this perfect alpha male.


    I can''t wait to get out of high school and out of this town. Away from everyone and all the judgement. Lisa is far from my type and the more she pushes herself to me, the farthest I want to be from her. At first, when we were growing up, I opened up to her about a lot of things that I never want to say out loud again. She was genuinely a friend, I trusted her more than anyone but the day we got drunk and I had sex with her was the biggest mistake of my life.


    She became obsessed with me.


    All of a sudden, we were soulmates.


    All the pushes from our parents suddenly made sense. She wanted me more than she ever did before and there was no convincing her.


    I tried to let her know that we couldn''t work.


    She knew so much about me but she couldn''t see it. See that it wasn''t about her, it was about me and the fact that she was the wrong gender. I have always known I was gay. From when I was like ten. I didn''t like what the other kids in school liked. I was different and at first, I thought there was something wrong with me.


    I questioned everything.


    Wondered why I was built differently.


    Even until now, I still wish I wasn''t different. I still ask myself why I couldn''t be normal. It is a sad thing to think about, being different doesn''t mean I am not normal but I still don''t accept myself fully for who I am. Lance is making me see things differently. He just found out about his sexuality and he took is so well. He embraced all parts of himself wholeheartedly. I look at him and I want to be like him, I want to be brave enough to say it out loud. To wear it on my sleeve.


    Shout to the world¡ªand by the world I mean my father that I am gay.


    I like boys.


    I don''t know if that will ever happen.


    I am too weak.


    ''''Not today Lisa.''''


    She groans in a very cute way. I mean, if I was straight, I would have the hots for her. She has this puppy dog expression on her face. Almost like she is pleading with me to take her with me.


    ''''I am all alone this weekend. Can''t you make some time for me?'''' she nudges my arm back and forth.


    ''''I am helping Lance pack his things. There''s a lot to do with the wedding and he needs my help.''''


    She rolls her eyes at the mention of Lance. guess this means she doesn''t like him. I mean, she has no reason to not like Lance. he is the sweetest person I have ever met. He could be sarcastic and kinda snarky at times but there is this aura about him, you can''t help but fall for him instantly.


    ''''Just one-night babe,''''


    I cringe when she calls me that. I hate that those words can leave her lips so casually. I am not her babe. I will never be her babe. I already know that I am not choosing her over him today. this date is going to happen. It is all I can think about and no one is going to ruin it. Not even Lisa and all the secrets she knows.


    ''''I can''t. I promised Lance.'''' I repeat in hopes that she will listen for the first time in her life.


    Lisa can''t always have what Lisa wants.


    ''''Why are you so close to him. it seems like you always want to hang out with him,'''' her hand slides off my arm slowly and I watch her give me a suspicious look.


    I know what she is doing.


    This is her way of blackmailing me. it is not outright, but there are deeper meanings to her words. She knows what she is doing.


    ''''He is a friend. His mother is getting married to my father. We have to hang out and I do like hanging out with him.''''


    I don''t need to explain shit to her. She has no right to ask me why I am hanging out with anyone. I don''t fucking answer to her.


    ''''I heard he is gay.''''


    I freeze at her words.


    Lance doesn''t hide who he is. Even my father knows that he is gay. What is confusing is why she is bringing it up.


    What does that have to do with anything?


    ''''And?''''


    She smiles ''''Is there something between the two of you. I mean, why would you choose to hang out with a faggot?''''


    Faggot.


    She just used that one word I never want to hear in my life and she is not even talking about me. there is anger boiling within me. I have never been this angry. The intensity is scary because I don''t know what I will do. at this moment, her words hurt me and I want to hurt her as bad.


    I can''t because I am a fucking coward.


    ''''Get out of my house Lisa.''''


    She opens her eyes wide. She didn''t expect that from me. I have never kicked her out before. I have tolerated her for so long because of the relationship between our parents. She was a friend, I thought we could continue our friendship because at one point in my life I relied on her.


    From the words, she blurted out today.


    I can''t.

 Chapter 45 - Sniffing Away Out Problems.

    Lance.


    He is upset.


    I can''t tell.


    But I don''t know how to ask him because I don''t want to upset him more. I can''t wait for the day he would want to talk to me about his problems. It should be easy, being in a relationship with someone and wanting to talk to that person.


    At least it is pretty easy for me.


    I see him and I want to be an open book with him, I want him to explore all my pages. My worries, what makes me happy, what makes me sad. How much I fucking love him.


    I can''t expect him to be the same. he is a different person. I fell in love with him for him, I just want a lot more closeness from him.


    ''''Hey,'''' he welcomes me into his arms. I rest my head on his right shoulder as he wraps his arms around my waist. I stay in his arms for a couple of seconds as I take him in. He smells like vanilla. I have come to register that scent to him. there is always a hint of vanilla in him. over his cologne when he is sweaty. That vanilla scent always remains there.


    My nostrils flare up as I sniff for more of him. he pulls back from my arms and raises a brow with a grin ''''Did you just sniff me?''''


    I nod with a bright smile. I am proud of my creepiness. Yes, I sniffed my boyfriend and I would do it again.


    ''''Why,'''' he asks with a chuckle.


    I shrug and pull him closer; he looks down at me with amusement etched to his face. All the worries of him not being okay, dissipate. I don''t want to talk about what is bothering him, because I don''t want it to upset him. I want to go on this date with him and be happy all through. Spending time with him is enough to put a smile on my face all night.


    ''''Cause you smell delicious.''''


    My answer is honest and from the expression on his face, I can tell that he likes it. He bends forward and I watch him as he places his face in the crook of my neck. I feel the butterflies as they dance around my stomach. My body reacts to him passionately. I don''t know what he wants to do until the moment he takes a deep breath and sniffs the hell out of me. his nose stays pressed to my neck after and I wait for the revelation. My hands clutch the hems of his shirt at the bottom. I never want to let him go.


    ''''So, how do I smell?'''' I mutter after a couple of seconds of silence.


    He pulls away from me to look at me, but I still hold him by his waist. I have gotten so used to touching Ford. Now, not touching him is weird for me.


    ''''Uh¡­ I don''t know if I can top delicious. Maybe addictive. Like sniffing you is not enough,'''' he leans into me again and whispers in my ear ''''I need a taste.''''


    I feel his tongue as he grazes the edge of my neck and shivers crawl up my skin. He is teasing me because he doesn''t do more than just the lick and my body is not satisfied. I pull him closer to me to the point where our bodies press against each other, leaving no room for space. He reacts to this immediately as I feel him harden against me. his face is still so close to my ear, so I hear the muffles of his breath ''''We have to leave soon,'''' he groans with so much frustration in his voice.


    The perfect date with him would just be in bed, watching old movies. I wish we didn''t have to go out to get this privacy but that is the whole point of a secret relationship. No one can know about us, if we stay here in my house, we would get caught.


    I don''t even know with my mom; she spends most of her time with John. The only times she comes home is to check up on me to make sure I am still alive.


    I wish she could just leave me in this house after our move. I am seventeen, I would be old enough to live on my own soon. I really don''t want to move into Ford''s house. We could have this house to ourselves. It would be the best thing for us right now.


    Too bad mom wants to act like a happy family. Like somehow I can have the father figure, I never had.


    She doesn''t understand that I don''t want a replacement for my father. He will always be my father, no matter what happened.


    ''''Do you want to just stay home and we could continue this in bed?'''' I suggest in hopes that he will agree to it.


    I have always been anti-social, the kind of person that would rather stay at home than go out in the public. Ford seems like the type that would rather go out than stay in the confinements of his four walls. I know that he is fighting a lot of demons that he doesn''t want to talk about. I want to be the solace he needs to kick their butts. I will fight with him until there are only smiles on his face.


    I don''t mind being the one that takes away his sadness.


    I volunteer as tribute.


    ''''We can''t, baby. I have the whole thing planned. Dinner at a fancy restaurant, a walk around a park, night in a five-star hotel. Come on. Let''s be normal for once.''''


    His words confuse me. he is trying to compensate for something and that confuses me.


    ''''Do you think our relationship is not normal?''''


    He shakes his head immediately with a guilty expression. He didn''t mean to say that words, I can see it in his eyes. But it is out there and I want to know what he is thinking.


    ''''That''s not what I meant. I just want to treat you specially. You are my everything. I want to show it to the world. Granted, we will be going somewhere no one knows us, but I want people to see how in love we are with each other. I want to flaunt you to the world.''''


    I blush at his words and my heart can''t help but feel heavy. I would''ve convinced Ford to come out of the closet if his dad was not getting married to my mom. Being gay is his vice. I know he wishes he didn''t have to be gay. There is this stigma in his head. He feels guilty as hell for loving someone of the same gender, I wish I could help him be proud of who he is but we can''t do anything for now. I have to wait until we are old enough to be independent. Old enough to make our own decisions and then I will show him, how loving someone can never be wrong.


    I just have to be patient.


    ''''I love you,'''' I press my lips to his for a soft kiss and he welcomes me by holding me tighter.


    We are in my room and I am dressed for this date but looking at him and how fancy he looks in his black pants and navy blue and white checkered shirt. I think I dressed wrong.


    ''''I don''t think I am dressed okay for this date,'''' I pull apart and he examines me with a goofy smile.


    I am dressed in one of my most worn jeans and a plain black shirt. With my all-time favourite Adidas sneakers. He talked about a fancy restaurant. Is this outfit fancy restaurant attire?


    ''''You look good to me.'''' he adjusts my shirt for me.


    I roll my eyes because Ford always does this. ''''You look like a fucking sex god. I look like your driver.''''


    He laughs the kind of laugh that is genuine and comes from the heart ''''You don''t look like my driver. George wears designer suits.''''


    I remember George the driver from the first time I met John and yeah, he was in a one-piece suit and it looked fucking expensive.


    ''''So, who do I look like?''''


    He smiles ''''You look like Lance, my boyfriend. The man of my dreams. The one who doesn''t have to dress too fancy to look sexy as hell.''''


    His words are like drugs to me, addictive and dangerous for my heart. How can someone be so smooth with words?


    ''''Let''s get out of here before I rip your clothes off,'''' I warn him and grab my wallet from my work table. Putting my wallet in my jean pocket, he chuckles.


    We walk out of the door and to his car, he opens to the door for me but plants a peck on my lips.


    ''''I plan to rip those clothes off you. No doubt about that.''''


    With that, he winks and starts the car.


    My heart dances in my chest.


    Suddenly I am looking forward to this date.


    Hell yeah.

 Chapter 46 - You Are All I Need.

    Ford.


    It takes us approximately an hour to get to the restaurant. I picked this place knowing I won''t see anyone I know. This is the whole point of a secret relationship. We have to be discreet, and going a town away from our houses is the best way to be discreet.


    Lance has this look of excitement in his eyes.


    I like that I still give him butterflies. I like that I am the only one that makes him this happy. My mood wasn''t the best when I got to him. I had to handle Lisa and all her cruel words. i don''t know why I am being forced to be with her.


    It wasn''t easy.


    ***************************


    ''''Are you really kicking me out of your house?''''


    I nod and grab her arm, all the anger in me is overwhelming. I can''t believe she would use such a word. It makes my skin crawl from irritation.


    ''''I have somewhere to be,'''' I stop in front of the house and let go of her arm. Her eyes are wide from the shock of my reaction.


    ''''How can you treat me this way?'''' she asks me in disbelief.


    I shrug ''''You just called Lance such a hateful name and you expect me to be all smiles with you. How dare you?''''


    She laughs ''''This is about your step brother?''''


    I nod.


    ''''You are kicking me out of your house because of a boy you just fucking met.'''' Her voice is loud, she sounds pissed.


    ''''Yes, he is a better person than you.''''


    She shakes her head and for a second, I think she is going to continue her fit of rage, but she reaches for me and grabs my arm gently ''''I''m sorry.'''' She manages.


    ''''Why are you sorry?''''


    She sighs ''''I shouldn''t have called him a faggot. I just don''t want him to make you one.''''


    My heart stops in my chest at her words. How the hell can she even think that? No one makes anyone gay.


    You don''t just turn gay.


    It is not a fucking choice.


    ''''You still don''t know what you''re saying.'''' I shake my head because I can''t my head around what she is saying.


    ''''I love you, Brad. I don''t know when you will give me a chance to prove it to you. Why are you being so difficult with me?''''


    ''''I don''t love you. I never loved you. You are like a sister to me. That night was a mistake. When will you accept it?''''


    ''''We are meant to be together. Everyone sees it, why won''t you?''''


    Everyone sees it.


    Everyone sees it but me.


    Am I not supposed to feel it?


    Suddenly, it is everything everyone wants that is good for me.


    I force her grip off me and she sighs as she watches me, waiting for a response. I don''t have anything to say to her because no matter what I say, she won''t listen. I have told her numerous times; I can''t be with her. I don''t fucking love her but as long as everyone thinks we should be together, then we need to be together.


    ''''I need you to leave.''''


    She frowns ''''I will never be good enough for you,'''' her words sting because that is not what it is about but if that will make her leave then I will agree in silence.


    I can''t handle her right now, especially when I need to be with Lance.


    ***************************


    ''''Wow, Yakuza Sushi? I have never been here before,'''' he exclaims excitedly.


    I smile because this is the reaction I wanted when I thought of this place. Lance loves sushi, bringing him to a sushi place where the chef makes everything in front of us is his dream. Oh well maybe no his dream, but he will love it.


    ''''God, this is probably going to cost a lot. Are you sure we can afford this?'''' he asks me as we walk into the building. The walls are a bright beige colour with red wallpapers. There are dragon statues all over the place. It is the kind of place you use for a proposal.


    I already think about years with him. I think about anniversaries and proposals. Adopting a ton of kids. I think about all that we can be if we are allowed.


    Crazy that just a couple of months ago, I almost lost the chance for this. thinking about those times, I am glad I met him at that party. I am glad I didn''t follow through with all the negativity in my head.


    ''''That''s all father dear is useful for,'''' I wave my wallet in the air and he laughs out loud covering his mouth as he does.


    I grab his hand in mine as the concierge leads us to the private room I reserved for the evening. This is the best way we can get the privacy we need. I don''t mind being out in the open but I still want the privacy with him.


    ''''Will you ever tell me why there is so much hostility between the two of you,'''' he asks as we take out sits on a high stool step. It is just a simple question but I am scared to tell him about the real reasons why I don''t have a good relationship with the man.


    ''''Maybe.''''


    He smiles and holds my arms with a soft squeeze ''''You know you can trust me, right?''''


    I nod.


    There is no doubt in my mind about that. Me keeping this from him is not about trust. Lance has this innocence about him, he thinks the world is straightforward. Roses and butterflies. He hasn''t seen life and I don''t want to take that innocence from him. I don''t want to be the one responsible for that. Telling him some things about me will take all the innocence that I love about him.


    ''''I trust you. I trust you with my whole heart.''''


    That is the honest truth.


    He believes me. that is how much I know he trusts me. Lance has given all of himself to me. from the beginning, I could see it in the way he looked at me.


    ''''Okay, I will give you time,'''' he winks and I lean forward for a kiss.


    The chef comes in through a door in front of us and welcomes us with a smile. Lance claps his hands together excitedly as we place our orders and watch him make it in front of us.


    ''''This is awesome,'''' he exclaims as the chef does some stunts with his knives. It is actually a nice sight. Watching them make the food, you can see how skilful they are and you end up appreciating the meal more.


    Once our food is placed in front of us, a waiter brings a bottle of chardonnay and one bottle of water. Lance looks at me with a worried expression on his face. I already know why, before he says anything. He doesn''t want me to drink.


    ''''I got it for you.''''


    He shakes his head ''''I don''t want alcohol,'''' he rolls his eyes.


    I smile because I didn''t have any intentions of drinking. I just want him to have a good time tonight and alcohol helps take the edge off. I already promised myself that I was going to hold off on alcohol for a while. My father''s threats can''t be taken lightly.


    He means everything he says.


    If he threatens to send me away, he will.


    ''''Not a fan?''''


    He shakes his head ''''Never been. Maybe if Jack was here, he would jump at the chance to get free booze.''''


    I watch him struggle with his chopsticks in an attempt to pick a sushi roll. ''''You said you are obsessed with sushi; how do you not know how to use chopsticks?'''' I ask him amused.


    He shrugs ''''I always just use my hands,'''' he drops the sticks on his plate and waves his fingers in my face. I use this as an opportunity to grab his hand in mine.


    ''''You can just use your hands; we are alone here.'''' I remind him.


    He nods and uses his right hand to pick one. I watch him, fixated on his lips as the roll goes into his mouth and he starts chewing. He closes his eyes, totally in the zone. Just from this night, I now know that he is a foodie. I have never seen anyone eat the way he is eating right now. It is almost like he is savouring the food.


    Desire fills my eyes as I watch him, not able to focus on my food. He opens his eyes and catches my stare. The expression on his face changes, almost lust-filled.


    ''''You''re not eating,'''' he points out.


    I nod.


    I haven''t even touched the food on my plate. I don''t mention that I hate sushi, I don''t mention that the smell of fish nauseates me. I am only here to please him.. watching the satisfaction on his face is all I need.

 Chapter 47 - What Do You Like?

    Lance.


    I have never eaten so much in my whole life.


    I noticed immediately that he wasn''t eating. Suddenly it becomes clear to me that he doesn''t like the food. Why would he bring me here if he''s not going to eat?


    ''''Delicious?'''' he asks as I put another roll into my mouth.


    Delicious is an understatement to the food. This is the best sushi I have ever had. Okay, I can''t say I eat a lot of sushi because it is really expensive. On occasion, mom bought it for us but it was a rarity. So, this is a lot to me and I appreciate this but I don''t like that he is not eating.


    His plate is still full, barely touched.


    ''''You''re not eating, do you not like the food?'''' I ask him as I chew the food in my mouth.


    ''''I am satisfied watching you eat,'''' he uses his chopsticks and I must say he is a pro at it. Slowly he dips the roll into soy sauce and puts it in his mouth. I watch his face for a reaction, I should be able to tell if he doesn''t like it. The smile on his face remains fixated as he chews slowly.


    ''''You don''t like it,'''' I speak softly.


    ''''Not really a fan,'''' he confesses.


    My heart warms from the thought that he would do this just for me. I stand up from the stool and he watches me as I come closer to him. he turns around, so he is facing me and wraps his arms around my waist. At the position we are in, with him sitting and me standing, we are the same height. I can look him straight in the eyes without standing on my toes or him bending forward.


    ''''Have I told you how much I love you today?''''


    ''''This would be the third time,'''' he beams proudly.


    I don''t want to count how many times I tell him. I just want to keep reminding him. let him know that I don''t ever plan on leaving him. he is stuck with me, no matter what he does. I will run to the ends of the earth to get to him. There is no letting him go.


    ''''I want to take you somewhere,'''' I tell him.


    He furrows his brows but doesn''t let go of me ''''Now?'''' he asks.


    I nod and grab both of his hands in mine, slowly I pull him off me and to his feet. Now I can''t stare into his beautiful grey eyes anymore.


    ''''Come on,'''' I pull him to the door.


    I am so stuffed that I move a lot slower. Ford stops moving ''''I need to pay first,'''' he reminds me.


    ''''Okay, give me your keys. I''ll be in the car, and I am driving.''''


    I am sure he is confused. I mean, he planned this date all by himself and here I am trying to spoil all his plans but I can''t let him do everything for me. he brought us to a Japanese restaurant knowing full well that he doesn''t eat this kind of food.


    I want to do something for him.


    He raises a brow in question but I just shrug as he gives me a bunch of keys that has the car key. I walk out of the restaurant and get to his car in the parking lot. It takes him a couple of minutes but the moment I see him walk over to me, I start the car and pull the windows down. He puts both arms on the car and peers into it with a warm smile.


    ''''Are you driving?''''


    I nod.


    He enters the car obviously curious. I like that he has no idea what I have planned. I had to map the place I planned because this is not a regular route. We had to drive to the outskirts of the town. That was the agreement and I am totally fine with being in this secret relationship. I know this is not something that will be permanent. We just have to get through high school. I already have it planned in my head. We are going to go to college, I plan on following him wherever he has planned.


    And then from college, we can break out of our parents. He doesn''t have to worry about his dad and I won''t worry about mom.


    I''ve thought about it so much.


    ''''Where is this mystery place,'''' he asks once he notices me using my phone to follow the map.


    ''''We''re almost there.'''' I smile mischievously.


    He chuckles but remains quiet. I can tell from his demeanour that he likes this, me taking charge. The first time we had sex, I took control of him. I made him want me.


    I park the car in the lot when we arrive and he raises a brow. There is a food truck on full display. It is called Taco Belly. They have the best Tacos in town. I know he would like this and I will like to feed him since he couldn''t eat the food at the restaurant.


    ''''Are you still hungry?''''


    I shake my head, very proud of myself ''''You didn''t get to eat a lot at the restaurant, so I want you to stuff your face with as many tacos you can. This one is on me.''''


    I wink, he blushes as we get down from the car. There is a long line as we walk side by side. Ford grabs my hand in his, not bothering with the crowd. This is what I want. I want this kind of pride in our relationship but as long as we are so close to our parents, he will never be this confident.


    ''''So¡­ how good is their food?'''' he asks still gripping my hand in his tightly.


    The contact is comforting.


    ''''Just you wait and see.''''


    The line moves slowly and we talk all through until we get to the front of the line. I let him choose for me and he decided on soft shell tacos. This is me finding out what he likes and does not like. So, he is not a sushi guy and also not a fan of hard-shell tacos. He hates anything that has fish in it, but he likes lobsters and crabs.


    I want to know everything I can about him.


    We walk around the area as he eats his tacos. I am just playing around with mine because I am fucking stuffed.


    ''''Lisa came over earlier when I went home.''''


    I nod, he continues ''''She said so many shitty things. Made me realise that keeping her around will not help us.''''


    He is opening up to me and I love it. I never even liked her. Any person that wants what is mine, is a straight-up enemy.


    ''''I am going to talk to my father about her. I don''t want her around me anymore.''''


    ''''Do you think he will agree to whatever you ask him?''''


    With all I have seen, I don''t think John is that forthcoming towards his son. There is this hostility between them. He seems like the kind of person that is kind and accepting of everyone but the people closest to him. he seems to be okay with me being gay but from the fear in Ford, he might now be if his son is gay. I mean, who fucking sets their seventeen-year-old son up with a girl.


    ''''I doubt. I want to try my luck.''''


    I sigh ''''What did she say that made you so upset?''''


    He seems hesitant to answer but eventually breathes it out ''''She said I was hanging out with you too much¡­ basically.''''


    Okay, so she can tell that there is a closeness between us.


    Good.


    ''''Ignore everyone and everything that has the chance to ruin what we have. Don''t listen to words of hate or jealousy. Just think about me and all that we are. No one is going to come between us.''''


    I am facing him and he is watching me with an intense stare. This date is not over but it is already perfect. ''''Where is this hotel you have planned?''''


    His stare becomes dark at my words and I stand on my toes to give him a taste of what he will be getting tonight. His lips press into mine and the kiss is deep, deep and messy from all the food we have eaten today. I press closer into him, ignoring all the people that pass by us. This is what I wanted, to be able to kiss him and not give a shit.


    He slides his tongue into my mouth and I moan against his lips. My voice comes out seductively and this gets a groan from him ''''It''ll take us about fifteen minutes to get there and another five to check-in,'''' he informs me with his lips still on mine.


    I smile and bite his lower lips softly, this gets another moan from him and an eye roll ''''Fuck Lance, stop teasing. I am as hard as a rock.''''


    I do that same lower lip bite; I need him to want more.. I want him to want more ''''What are you waiting for, let''s go.''''

 Chapter 48 - Insanity

    Ford.


    I am driving like a maniac.


    He is just sitting down next to me with this fucking stare that is driving me insane. He doesn''t know what he does to me because if he did, he would tone down on all this seduction.


    How can someone be so sexy?


    I have never been so turned on by anyone in all my life. This is a guy that is not even trying. He doesn''t focus on clothes or his hair. He is perfect without even trying. All man, beautiful and mine.


    ''''Slow down,'''' he leans forward and I groan from the sound of his voice. I obey him and reduce my speed because I don''t want to go crashing into anything. I have to be inside him this night, I am not going to let anything ruin that. I focus on the road as he remains close to me. slowly he reaches for my pants. I freeze as he brushes his fingers against my belt with that seductive smile on his fac.


    I am at a loss for words. I don''t know what to say, I don''t even know what he is doing. Suddenly he has become so confident, so adventurous with sex.


    ''''Just keep your eyes on the road.''''


    I nod because I don''t have the words to express this moment. He unbuckles my belt and I watch him as he works with the zip. I can already feel my dick harden. That fucking thing has a life of its own. My eyes remain on the road as I try to get to the hotel faster. The faster I can get there, the faster I can be inside him. once my pants are free, I feel his hands as he slips them into my boxers.


    The excitement kicks in.


    My body reacts.


    The hair on my skin stands up from the pure bliss of his touch. I try to keep my eyes on the road. With gentle strokes, I get the pleasure that he intended. I release soft moans as he continues his hand movement. This is the sweetest torture I have ever experienced. Before I know it, I feel his lips on me. never in a million years did I imagine that I would get a blow job from Lance in my fucking car.


    ''''What are you doing to me?'''' I ask him with heavy breaths.


    He pulls back to look at me ''''Just focus on driving, I got this.'''' there is a gleam in his eyes. He is enjoying this a little too much. Who would''ve thought Lance would be the sex freak?


    I love this.


    I grab unto his hair with the hand that is off the steering wheel, ruffling it in the process and he takes me in again. He fucking takes all of me in his mouth. I control his mouth movement with my hand still on his hair. He goes faster and my breaths get heavier. No one should try this at home, It is not easy getting a blow job while driving.


    My mind is in a fucking fog right now.


    ''''Fuck,'''' I exclaim as he does a play with my tip. The faster he goes, the closer I am to an orgasm. Lance doesn''t stop until I squirm against him, with my eyes fixed on the road. My toes curl as I cry from the euphoric bliss that is my release.


    The tall building of the hotel comes into view and he smiles as he cleans me up with his tongue. I watch him reach for the box of tissues in the back seat. Soon enough my pants are zipped and he is seated upright as nothing happened. There is still a smile on his face as I park my car in front of the valet stand.


    ''''What just happened?'''' I ask him still out of breath.


    He looks at me with that smile, a smile that says ''you know what just happened''.


    ''''We should check-in,'''' he gets down from the car and I stare at him as he descends into the building.


    I am still shocked by all that happened, so when the valet knocks on my window, I remain seated as I try to process it all. At this point, I don''t even know what Lance is capable of. He just walked out of the car like he didn''t just have my dick in his mouth.


    ''''Fuck.''''


    I get down from the car and hand my key over to the guy with a little tip. He smiles content as I walk into the building in search of my very exciting boyfriend. I find him by the front desk and he seems to be laughing at something one of the receptionists is saying. There are two girls, and they are laughing with him. he notices me and waves as a gesture for me to come, so I walk closer.


    ''''Wow sir, you weren''t kidding when you said he is a beautiful man,'''' one of the ladies exclaims with googly eyes.


    I furrow my brows but manage a smile.


    ''''See¡­ and he is all mine. Am I not the luckiest man on earth?'''' he asks them.


    They nod their heads in agreement.


    I look at him and he has an expression that only I can read. He is teasing me. I keep thinking back to the car and all I want to do is rip all his clothes off his body and devour him. I am going to make him lose his mind tonight. There is no way I am going to let him have the last laugh with that stunt he pulled in the car.


    I get our room details and key and lance walks with me to the elevator. We are on the penthouse floor. Which is the 30th floor. We are the only ones on the elevator. He is quiet, in fact, he is too quiet. I glance at him and he seems to be biting his fingers in silence.


    I can hear his breaths in the silence of the elevator. He is breathing heavily. I don''t know what he is thinking about but I know I want to the only one in his thoughts. I move until I am closer to him and he stiffens against my touch. I press my body against his and a soft gasp escape from his lips.


    I look at the buttons and we are still on the 5th floor. I have enough time to rile him up before we get to the room. He thinks he can just do that to me in the car and act as nothing happened. He has another thing coming.


    I reach for him against his jeans and his eyes open wide. He looks around the enclosed space we are in but not straight into my eyes. My eyes dart to his chest, the rise and fall rhythm I am putting him in. my lips tilt upwards for a smirk. Loving the reaction already.


    ''''What are you doing?'''' he stutters his words.


    Still smirking I grab him over his jeans and he jerks backwards in shock. His back hits the wall of the elevator and I chuckle at his reaction. ''''Nothing,'''' I manage as I unzip his pants with one hand.


    ''''Stop, we should get to the room first,'''' he breathes out.


    I shake my head with another glance to the buttons. We are now on the 11th floor. ''''I just want to feel you against my fingers,'''' I get to his dick and he moans out.


    I lean forward and press my lips to his as he trembles against my touch. He doesn''t push me as I stroke him slowly, with my tongue sliding deeper into his mouth. I hear incoherent words come out of his lips, along the line of being crazy. We are so engrossed in the kiss that I don''t hear the elevator open. We don''t even notice until a man coughs nervously. I pull back from him slowly, trying to get my hands out of his pants. My body is covering him, so at least I can hide him from the embarrassment of someone else seeing what is mine alone.


    The man enters the elevator as I take another step away from Lance. he still has a hard-on, so I stay in his front to hide it from our intruder. There is this awkward silence as I try not to laugh at the scene. I look at Lance and his face is as red as a tomato. I have never seen him this embarrassed. A smile sprawls on my face and he raises a brow in confusion.


    I know he expects me to freak out for being caught but I don''t care. As long as I don''t know this middle-aged man, I have no reason to explain shit to him. yeah, I got caught in this position, but who doesn''t get carried away?


    The man gets off on the 20th floor and once he is off, I burst out in laughter. Lance pushes me off him and I watch him struggle to get his jeans buttoned.


    ''''You''re insane,'''' he accuses as we get to our floor.


    I smile because for the first time in a long ass time I can be free and proud to be who I really am.

 Chapter 49 - So Much Love Mixed With Denials.

    Lance.


    He wanted to get me back from the car but I know for sure that he wasn''t expecting to get caught in that position. I expected him to be the one to freak out. I mean, I am the one that is open. I don''t care about anything. Like its anyone''s business if they are uncomfortable with seeing two guys make out in an elevator but he had his hands down my pants.


    We were fucking going at it in the elevator and Ford didn''t care.


    He found it funny that the man was so uncomfortable to be with us. This is the same guy that doesn''t want to come out of the closet cause of fear. He is laughing right now and I am staring at him in disbelief.


    ''''You know that man saw everything?''''


    He nods.


    ''''Why are you laughing?'''' I ask him as we walk into the hotel room.


    ''''Cause of how red your face was.''''


    I roll my eyes at his answer.


    There is only one room on this floor. The penthouse, and let me tell you, as I walk through the front door, my eyes open wide from how beautiful and bright this room is. The lights come on immediately we walk in. they are bright and somehow accentuates the room, making it even more beautiful. Walking in from the front door, the first thing I see is a hallway and as we walk deeper, I see a living room. With a very big flat screen tv and the most comfortable couch, I have ever seen. It is grey and somehow matches the colour on the wall of the room which is a beige. There are curtains which I open immediately by pressing a button on the wall. This reveals a big window with the best view I have ever seen. There is a balcony with this view, so I open the windows and walk into the balcony.


    I hear ford''s footsteps and he follows me out the balcony ''''How can you afford all this?'''' he wraps his arms around my waist as I ask him.


    I feel his hot breath on my neck ''''I''ve got a trust fund from my grandmother. This way my father can''t track my accounts. So, he will never know about this.''''


    I know that they are rich but having a trust fund is next level.


    I turn around from the beautiful view begrudgingly and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. He smiles in my arms. I am content. Grateful for everything I have been given. Our relationship might not be perfect, in fact, it is far from perfect but this is all I have ever wanted. Someone that looks at me the way he is looking at me right now¡ªlike I am the only person that exists. Like he is blind to the world but me. there is a significance to this look. It makes me feel important.


    I love him so much.


    ''''Today has been perfect.''''


    He nods in agreement.


    ''''You are everything to me.'''' I continue. The smile is still on his face. he is just watching me without any words ''''I will never let you go, Ford. You are mine. Until the day I die.''''


    His eyes get dark but he doesn''t take them off me. he is just watching me with this intent stare that is affecting me a little too much. I don''t need words of assurance because he feels the same. I can see it in his eyes. The only reason why I keep reminding of how much I love him is because of that broken part of him. I want to be the one to put the pieces back together.


    I will be that for him.


    He reaches for me and brushes a strand of hair out of my face. the wind is heavy, so the strands just fall back to my face ''''Thank you for today,'''' he expresses.


    This confuses me because I should be the one thanking him for everything he did tonight. He planned this on his own.


    He is the best boyfriend anyone could ask for.


    ''''I didn''t do anything. This is all on you buddy.''''


    He grins.


    ''''You have no idea how important you are in my life.'''' his words are etched with so many emotions that I don''t even know how to respond to them. He says this a lot.


    A reminder that I never knew I needed in my life.


    I lean closer until I am kissing him. I kiss him until I can''t breathe and then I come up for air and then end of kissing him again. We kiss for I don''t know how long, no one wanting to stop. we take things to the bedroom and I show him how much I love him as I make love to him all night.


    **********************


    Do you know that moment when you feel the stare of someone when your eyes are closed?


    I can feel his stare.


    Almost a prickling sensation. Slowly, I open my eyes and he smiles brightly. Waking up next to the love of your life is the greatest feeling ever. It''s the little things I notice at this moment. His bed hair, the lines on his face from the pillow and sleep. His elbow is pressed on the bed as he lies on his side;


    ''''Good morning,'''' I say softly.


    He leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my forehead ''''Morning kiss for my baby,'''' he mutters with his lips still so close to my face.


    I try to sit up on the bed and he gives me the space I need. With my back on the headboard of this king-sized bed, I stretch my arms with a slight wave in the air, gesturing him to come to me. he obliges and rests in my arms.


    ''''Did you sleep well?'''' I ask him. ''


    He nods his head against me ''''Better than I have in a long time.'''' His answer in honest, exactly what I wanted.


    ''''Should we go down for breakfast, or do you just want to do breakfast in bed?'''' he asks me.


    I shrug in his arms. I wouldn''t mind being his arms for the rest of the morning but I also want to get out of this room and be with him in public as much as we can. This is like the only opportunity I would have to be a real boyfriend to him. hold his hand in public, steal kisses here and there. Makes me want to go downstairs for breakfast.


    ''''We should go down,'''' he answers before I can even say anything.


    He sits up on the bed and walks over to the curtains. Suddenly the room is bright as the rays from the sun hits me directly in the eye. Grabbing the soft duvet, I cover my face with it and this gets a chuckle from my boyfriend.


    ''''Get up baby,'''' He pulls it off me and I try to fight him for it. He lets me have victory and I watch him as he walks to the door that leads to the bathroom ''''Are you not going to join me in there?''''


    I watch him leave the room and it doesn''t take me a second to run after him, in nothing but my boxers.


    I can''t miss an opportunity to be naked with him.


    After our bath, we walk down to the restaurant hand in hand. We get to the restaurant and there is a buffet of food on display. My best thing about a buffet is that I can eat as much as I want, and this time since it is complimentary with the room, I don''t have to worry about Ford spending too much. He has basically spent a lot on our date. Granted it was perfect but I still feel a little guilty mooching off him knowing full well I can''t afford all the things he gave me since last night.


    There is a different variety of food and I jump up in excitement at all I see ''''Gosh, this is a lot.'''' I grab a plate and start filling it up.


    Ford just watches me with amusement and love in his eyes. Like I am his most favourite person in the world. Once my plate is full and his is semi-decent, I grab his arm again as we walk to a table.


    ''''Yo, brad,'''' someone calls his name from a distance which makes us turn around. Ford nudges my hand off him immediately and the pressure hits me roughly.


    ''''Hey, Nate.'''' He waves to the guy still holding his plate with his other hand.


    I watch this Nate guy walk closer to us, he is dressed in sweat pants and a plain white shirt. his hair is a dark brown with messy curls. The one striking feature about this guy is his height. He is freaking tall with a body that fits his height¡ªnot too skinny but full of meat in him.


    Ford looks like he was caught doing something wrong and that is the only thing that bothers me. okay, we agreed to be a secret but he doesn''t have to look this embarrassed to be with me.


    ''''What are you doing here?'''' Nate asks him.


    ''''You know my dad''s wedding is coming up. There''s a lot going on at home. So, I just took a break from it all and spent a night here.'''' He explains.


    His friend nods and his attention swings to me, with a faint but suspicious smile he raises a brow ''''Who''s this?''''


    Ford glances in my direction, almost like he forgot I was next to him. At first, he remains quiet but a couple of seconds later he answers the guy ''''My stepbrother. His mom''s getting married to my dad.''''


    It is not a lie but nothing has ever hurt me as much as that introduction. I agreed to this and it is not his fault but I can''t help but feel the pain as his friend reaches out for a handshake.


    Even though I take his hand in mine, my heart hurts heavily.

 Chapter 50 - No Harm, No Foul.

    Ford.


    Fuck.


    Fuck, fuck, fuck.


    The look on his face.


    The disappointment in his eyes.


    I never want to see that again.


    Who would''ve thought that I would meet someone from my school and basketball team? Fucking hell, I thought this date would begin and end smoothly. Everything was going perfectly and then Nate just had to show up and mess things up. You have no idea how badly I wanted to introduce him as my boyfriend.


    That is all I wanted to do. the words were at the tip of my tongue but I knew I couldn''t do it. We have to keep this a secret. That was the arrangement, I am not doing this anymore because of the fear of coming out. I am doing this because I don''t want to lose him. the minute everything is out there, I will lose him. there is no doubt in my mind that my dad will make sure I never get to see him again.


    I don''t like the look on his face.


    I hate it so much.


    ''''Oh, seems like you guys are pretty close,'''' Nate exclaims and I look at his face, unable to tell if he is being sarcastic or he knows a lot more than he is mentioning.


    His expression is blank.


    There is no suspicion on his face.


    ''''Kinda, we have no choice,'''' I shrug nonchalantly.


    Lance remains quiet. He doesn''t talk which is so unlike him. I can already tell he is pissed but what does he expect me to do in this situation. How else am I supposed to handle this?


    Nate smiles and notices the uninterested expression on Lance''s face ''''Well it was nice meeting you lance. hopefully, we can catch up some other time. I''m here with my girlfriend.'''' He points to a table with a girl seated and I nod.


    ''''See you later bro,'''' he walks away from us and Lance walks over to an empty table without saying a word to me.


    I know he is pissed.


    I hate myself for putting him through this but this is out of my control and he agreed to this. he chose to be in this secret relationship, so he should be able to handle all the curve balls that hit us along the line.


    ''''Babe,'''' I say as I sit down opposite him.


    He raises his hand up ''''Don''t. let''s just get through this breakfast and go home.'''' He dismisses me.


    The fact that he says ''get through'' stings. Like he has to get through a couple of hours with me.


    I watch him as he stuffs his mouth with the food not even looking at me. I don''t have to be a genius to know he is upset but I wish he wouldn''t let this derail us. Things are good with us; things have never been better. We had a nice time yesterday.


    He must know by now that I love him.


    ''''Please let''s talk about this?'''' I beg him. I don''t want to leave things the way they are.


    ''''There is nothing to talk about. You had to say all the things you said. I agreed to this after all.'''' Slowly his lips tilt upwards for a smile ''''I am not upset. I promise.''''


    I know he is upset, but he is trying to hide it. Cover his emotions, so I don''t worry about it.


    ''''I know you re upset. I am sorry baby.''''


    He shakes his head as he stuffs a slice of bread into his mouth. ''''I am not upset with you.'''' He repeats.


    ''''You are.''''


    He sighs ''''I am not. I promise.''''


    I raise a brow because, at this point, I don''t know anymore. ''''Prove it.'''' I declare.


    ''''How?''''


    I smile ''''Take my hand right now. Under this table, if you are not upset with me. that is the only way I will believe you.''''


    He looks around in search of my friend but Nate is busy with his girlfriend. I want him to focus on me. ignore all the disturbances we tried to get away from by coming here. He eyes face me again and the hesitancy is obvious in them. Gradually I feel the warmth of his touch as his he reaches out for me. my heart calms down in my chest from the worry and fear of him being upset and that ruined everything. This simple gesture is enough to make me feel better. It is enough to make everything worth it. Yes, no one can see this, no one knows how this feels but I do. I know that there is a fair amount of pain in his heart this moment but all he wants is to make sure I don''t worry about him. there is no wat the introduction as his brother didn''t hurt him. it even hurts me to speak those words but for now, we have to endure.


    Endure until we can leave this life behind.


    Endure until it is just the two of us and our freedom.


    ''''I love you, gamer boy,'''' I whisper to him.


    No one needs to know but us.


    He is the only one that is important.


    ***************************


    ''''The wedding is in a couple of days,'''' I mumble quietly.


    He nods.


    We are inside my car in front of his building. The closer the wedding gets the angrier I am of this situation. I just wish something could ruin it. I don''t care how bad it is but I hate that this is happening and there is nothing I can do to stop it.


    ''''We''re fine. I had a great time today,'''' he grabs my hand in his and squeezes it comfortingly.


    I manage a smile even though I am not in the smiling mood ''''About today, I really am sorry that you had to go through that denial. I hate that I put you through it.''''


    He shakes his head ''''You did nothing wrong. It just hurts that we can''t be you know, together in the eyes of others. Today was a wakeup call.''''


    He grins.


    ''''We''ll be in the same house soon. At least I''ll get to see you every day.'''' That is the consolation prize for this whole situation.


    ''''Yeah,'''' he gets down from the car and I drive away from his house.


    Getting home, I see my dad''s car in the driveway and a sigh escapes my lips. I really don''t want to have to deal with him today. it will be easy to sneak into my room unseen. Unless he is waiting for me by chance.


    Sure enough, he is in the living room when I walk in. Seated in front of the tv, watching the news. He looks up when he sees me and gestures with his hand for me to come closer.


    ''''Hello dad,'''' I greet him.


    He manages a faint smile ''''I need to talk to you.''''


    ''''Okay.''''


    Usually when he says he wants to talk to me; it is never anything good. Saying he wants to talk to me, is basically him saying he has some orders to give me. the last time we had this kind of talk, he said he was getting married. There was no ''how do you feel about it'', ''I want you to meet her'', just straight up, I am getting married.


    ''''I heard you were helping Lance move his things.''''


    I nod because that is a lie and the truth. I helped him for a little while earlier yesterday but there was no unpacking after.


    ''''How close are the two of you?''''


    I furrow my brows in confusion.


    ''''What do you mean?''''


    ''''Your relationship. I never asked. You introduced him as a friend. That was before you even knew him as Mary''s son. So how close are you guys?''''


    This question could be a trap.


    I don''t know how to answer this but there is no beating around the bush. I have to lie.


    ''''I met him at school. We aren''t that close. We like the same video games?''''


    He raises a brow, shit. He probably suspects that I don''t play video games. Shit, shit, shit. I don''t want to be caught right now. If dad is suspicious, he will monitor us and if he monitors us, he will find out everything.


    ''''I don''t want you guys being too close,'''' I furrow my brows, he continues ''''You know he is gay. I might be okay with him being gay but I don''t want you catching that.''''


    This is the second time someone is saying this. first Lisa and now my father. It is almost like they seem to think that being with someone that is a homosexual, means you''ll catch the disease.


    I don''t get it.


    If I argue with him, he will win.


    I don''t want him to win.


    This thing between us is between us. It doesn''t involve my father or his mother. I don''t have to defend our relationship. I won''t let them win.


    ''''Yes sir, can I leave now?''''


    He shakes his head ''''Lisa called me.''''


    I know nothing good will come from Lisa calling him. she must be the one that put all these thoughts in his head.


    ''''You need to spend time with her. This is your future wife we are talking about.''''


    I nod because I am not in the mood to argue or try to talk sense into him. I have tried that so many times. It never works. So there is no point. I will just have him believing I am the obedient son he wishes I am.


    No harm no foul.

 Chapter 51 - Meeting Me Half Way.

    Lance.


    The day before the wedding.


    ''''I really don''t want to move in with John,'''' this is my cry, plea. Desperation to her but she isn''t even listening to me. this is my supposed last day in the only home I have ever known and here I am trying to convince her. I have been trying to convince her all day. The more things we get out fo this apartment, the closer I am to failing.


    I don''t want this new life that she is trying to rope me into.


    I am seventeen, I can spend the rest of my high school here and then go off to college. She doesn''t have to drag me into her new life. I don''t want any part of it.


    She rolls her eyes as I watch her put all the glass plates in the kitchen into boxes. I knew it was a long shot but I at least hopes she would listen to me. it wouldn''t be a big deal If I stay alone. Jack practically spends his whole life at home alone. His dad is never around¡ªexcept to wreak havoc. He is turning out fine, it is not like anything would happen to me.


    ''''You can''t be serious.'''' She mutters like I am being unreasonable.


    ''''Think about it mom, john doesn''t know me. I am practically a stranger moving into his house. We don''t have to pretend and playhouse. I am fine staying here. I promise I won''t feel abandoned.''''


    She laughs and stops the arrangement she was so focused on until I interrupted her ''''No one is playing house. We are actually going to become a real family.''''


    ''''You know that is bullshit right. I become the stepchild. Let us not forget about Cinderella.''''


    She glares at me ''''Language,'''' she warns.


    I raise my hands in surrender ''''Sorry, but mom please don''t make me go into that family and act as I belong there.''''


    This doesn''t have anything to do with starting a new life. this has everything to do with Ford and the fact that moving into his house will make this whole thing official. From a distance, we can ignore or turn a blind eye to everything that is happening but the moment I move into his house, everyone will see it. I will become his new brother.


    I don''t want to be his brother.


    ''''You belong with me and now I belong with John. So, you belong in that house.'''' She stresses her words.


    I don''t belong in that family.


    I won''t be the brother to him.


    ''''I will run away.'''' Okay, that is far-fetched but this usually works with her. I find ways to convince her by blackmailing her. She wouldn''t want me to run away and I know she knows that it is something I can do.


    ''''Stop this Lance. tomorrow is my wedding day; can you not be your usual bratty self today. at least until after my honeymoon?''''


    I roll my eyes, there is no going back now. ''''I swear to god mom. Do this for me and rebellious Lance will be gone from your life. I will never do anything again.''''


    She scoffs.


    Rebellious Lance is hard to get rid of and here I am telling her I would. I actually mean it. I will control myself and try to be better if she does this for me. this will be the last favour I ask from her.


    ''''I swear on my fucking¡ª'''' she glares at me and with a nervous cough I continue ''''I swear on my life, I will be better. Just grant me this last request.''''


    She looks at me and then away from me, I follow her eyes to our almost empty house. The only things left are the furniture and that is because they came with the apartment. All our personal items are gone, slowly our whole life is being erased in the span of a week. I don''t want to live my life; I don''t want to start a new life with her. I want to start a new life with Ford. My phone beeps on the counter table in the kitchen and I look at it but don''t grab it. This is a defining moment. I can see the uncertainty in her eyes. If she is going to let me do this, it would be now.


    Fingers crossed.


    ''''You really don''t want to do this with me?''''


    I nod my head incessantly ''''I don''t.''''


    That is my pure honesty right there. I don''t like John¡ªokay, I have no problems with him but the fact that Ford is so terrified of him makes me think there is more to him than meets the eye and somehow mom can''t see it. She always attracted bad guys. Dad was a bad person; I know I shouldn''t say that about my father but he was. The things he did before he died, I don''t want to say he deserved death and more but he did. Now she is with John and I can''t help but sense that there is more to him.


    It''s not in my place to say anything and I won''t know until Ford opens up to me completely. Right now, I am still in his first layer. I have to peel them off slowly. There is no rush¡ªwe have the rest of our lives.


    ''''Why do you always succeed in convincing me, why am I so weak to you my son?''''


    I see it in her eyes. She is wavering.


    Fuck yeah.


    ''''Is this you saying yes?'''' I give her my hopeful eyes.


    She shakes her head ''''This is not a yes, this is a meet in the middle situation. I will agree to this slowly. You can stay here on the weekends. I will renew the lease. For six months. You stay here Fridays to Sunday and then you stay with me and John the rest of the week.''''


    Three times a week.


    I didn''t win this but I came close. I won''t push my luck; I won''t try to be greedy and ask for more because I know better than that. She just did something that no mother would agree to easily.


    Does that make her a bad mother?


    I say, fuck no.


    She is the best mother I could''ve asked for. I run into her arms at her words because I am excited, grateful and completely in shock at her actions. With this, I can still be close to Jack and Patrick and I can even be closer to Ford. Being here will give us more privacy, even though I wouldn???t be living with him.


    ''''Thank you so much for this. you have no idea how much this means to me. I will forever be indebted to you.''''


    She rolls her eyes as we pull apart ''''As usual, dramatic Lance is out.'''' She informs me with a chuckle etched with sarcasm. ''''I guess taking all our things isn''t the best thing anymore.''''


    I laugh ''''I don''t need many things here. Just my clothes and a bed. ''''


    I grab my phone from the counter because I want to share the news with Ford. I don''t know how he will feel about this. I don''t even know if he is excited about the move. I just know that I don''t want to move in with him¡ªat least not in this circumstance.


    I see two messages from him and that brings a smile to my face. I take backwards steps to the direction of my room and mom raises a brow in suspicion.


    ''''I need to make a phone call,'''' I wave my phone in the air.


    ''''Hmm¡­seems like there is something you''re not telling me. who are you going to call that you need to do it in private?''


    ''''Nothing and no one mother,'''' I run out of her grip and shut my door gently. I read his messages and a blush creeps up to my face.


    *Hi boyfriend.


    *Do you miss me as much as I miss you? School was a bummer without your pretty face. Sad emoji.


    He called me pretty and I know it is not really a compliment, at least most guys don''t like being identified as pretty or cute but I know why he said it. He calls me pretty because and I quote ''He has never seen anyone with soul-sucking eyes, that makes him want to melt into mush.''


    I dial his number and he answers on the first ring. ''''Baby,'''' he breathes into the phone and my heart thuds in my chest at the depth of his voice.


    ''''I have some news,'''' I manage already getting hot and bothered from just a tiny thing as calling me baby.


    ''''Do tell boyfriend.''''


    I take a deep breath because I need to put this in the best possible way. I can''t just blurt it out at once. I still don''t know how he will feel about this. ''''Can I see you right now?''''


    ''''Are you okay?''''


    ''''Yes, I just want to see you. This is better done in person.''''


    ''''I''ll come to you.''''

 Chapter 52 - Love Beyond Comprehension.

    Ford.


    ''''Hey,'''' Lisa skips over to me and slings her arm into mine. The contact is excruciating to me. here she is acting like she didn''t say all that shit the last time I saw her. She fucking reported me to my father.


    Who does that?


    Now here she is acting like nothing happened that night. I am beyond pissed at her but talking to her about it would be futile. No matter what I say, I will just end up losing in the situation.


    "Hi,'''' I respond uninterestedly.


    She looks up at me with a curious expression. I haven''t spoken to her since that night and I don''t want to make this a regular. I will try to avoid her until I leave this town, this life and can start my own life with Lance.


    She bats her lashes, with her hand still on me ''''Are you still upset with me?''''


    She knows what she has done, at least that is good. I don''t want to relive that night because I want to forget about my dad and all his threats. I don''t want to think about the fact that his wedding is in a day. I have been thinking about it all through the week. The closer the day gets, the more real this is. I know lance doesn''t want to move into my house. He has been talking about convincing his mom, he wants to stay in the apartment. He thinks that will give us more privacy¡ªat least more privacy than we would be able to get in my house.


    ''''I am over it and besides, I see you already complained to my dad.''''


    She opens her eyes wide at my words and then darts them away from me with a guilt-ridden expression. She can''t deny it, this is not the first time she has gone over me to my father for something I did or said to her. She thinks because he is nice to her and he actually likes her that she somehow has some control over me.


    ''''That''s not what happened. He called me, I explained my concern with you and Lance being together all the time. You might think I am exaggerating but people like him usually influence deeply. Why do you think kids with gay parents always end up being the same?''''


    I can''t even comprehend how she would even think of something like that.


    ''''People like Lance? Are you fucking insane?''''


    I force her arm off mine and walk away from her. I don''t even want to engage in this conversation with her. I feel her footsteps as she follows me. Lisa is a very determined person, she never gives up even though there is actually no hope of winning, like this moment, I am not going to accept her and all the bullshit she is saying.


    Lance is not the one that made me gay.


    He is not the reason I like guys.


    I went up to him, in fact, if there was anyone that opened him up to this world, I would say that was me. just because he figured it out late, doesn''t mean he suddenly turned gay. That is just who he is and she will never understand that. Her mind is closed off completely and I am not about to help her see things like they really are. If she doesn''t want to move with the times, then that is her own fucking problem.


    ''''Wait up, are you upset again?''''


    She looks up to me stopping me from my escape. A sigh leaves my lips because I am already spent out and I don''t want to add Lisa to the stress in my life. I have to think about a wedding that is happening tomorrow and how I will be living with my boyfriend/stepbrother. We are doing this secret relationship but I don''t know how it is going to work. We can make it work only because my dad is rarely around, with all his business trips abroad, so we don''t really have to face him all the times.


    ''''I am not upset. Listen, Lisa, I need some time to myself. Can you just give me a fucking break without reporting me to my father?" I look at her with the hope that she will actually listen to me.


    ''''I didn''t report you.''''


    I scoff ''''I swear to God, that was not my intention. I was just concerned. Anyways I am sorry.'''' She retorts with no hint of sincerity in her tone.


    ''''I have to go. I am late for class.''''


    She rolls her eyes ''''We are in the same chem class. We can walk together. I need to talk to you about something.''''


    She grabs my arm again and this time I scream internally because somehow, she is not even listening to me. she is just doing things her own way. Lisa gets what Lisa wants.


    ''''What colour should I wear to the wedding tomorrow. Since we are going to this thing together. I want us to be all matchy and shit.''''


    I stop walking instantly with confusion sprawled on my expression. Going to this thing together?


    I didn''t get that memo.


    ''''You''re not my date to this.''''


    She laughs ''''Of course I am. You''re my boyfriend. Who else would you go to this with?''''


    ''''I am not your boyfriend,'''' I tell her point-blank.


    "Why do you do this. You know we have no choice about this, so why do you fight it so hard?''''


    ''''Because I don''t love you. I have never loved you.''''


    ''''I love you. I will love you enough for both of us.'''' With that, she walks away from me and I watch her disappear.


    The denial is exhausting.


    Maybe I might just have to tell her the real truth.


    ****************************


    I drive over to his house with so much excitement. Just the thought of seeing him gives me thrills. I will never get tired of his face, the goofy smile he always has on. His eyes when he looks at me, the lust, the love all the passion engulfed in him.


    Lance has shown me real love. The kind of love I never thought I would ever experience. I lived my life before him like a robot. I didn''t care about anything. I knew who I was, I knew I was gay but I didn''t accept it. I hated that part of myself, I wished I could be normal. I wanted to be someone that my father would be proud of, so I lived my life for him. Yeah, I might still be in the shadows and you could say I am still living out his dreams but now I know what I want.


    I want a life with Lance and I will be damned if I don''t get that.


    I get to the parking lot of his apartment building. Grabbing my phone, I call him immediately and he answers on the first ring. ''''You here?'''' his voice sends chills into my bones.


    ''''Yeah, should I come up?''''


    ''''No, my mom is here and I want to kiss you so badly.''''


    He ends the call and I wait for him to come down. It takes him five minutes and I know because I counted. The impatience within me to see him is encompassing. The moment I see him through the doors my heart jolts in my chest from the excitement that is about to come. He is dressed in a pair of shorts and a plain tee. His hair is messy, at this point I think he just likes it like that. I am not the kind to care about appearances wither but it comes with all the pretence I have going.


    He runs over to my car and jumps into my arms immediately. Almost forgetting that we are in front of his house and anyone could see it. I don''t have it in my heart to remind him, so I pull him closer and he rests his face in the crook of my neck ''''I have missed you?'''' he breathes into my neck and I feel the heat from his words.


    ''''I missed you too.''


    He pulls away from me slowly and presses his lips to mine softly. I close my eyes because I like to enjoy our kisses.


    He clutches the ends of my shirt tightly and I don''t even care that he will rumple them. This is a usual thing for him. he always like to hold unto me, he said he never wants to let go of me when I am close. That he is scared that I will disappear.


    He is real, I am real and this thing between us is real. The moment I am strong enough to stand on my own. I will make him mine forever. I am not looking forward to the wedding tomorrow. The only wedding, I want right now, is the one where he can walk down the aisle to me.


    A wedding where we can finally be together.


    I think I have it bad.

 Chapter 53 - My Everything.

    Lance.


    He is everything.


    I look at him in this car and I feel like the luckiest person in the world. I just want to rip off all his clothes and have him right here in this car. Ford is not the kind that would agree to that, he is too conservative. He doesn''t do the whole public display of affection. I know it is because he is still kinda in the closet.


    I can''t wait for him to open the door and bloom like the beautiful butterfly he is. He is so much more than everyone thinks.


    "You said you had good news?'''' he reminds me.


    Now I don''t even know if my news is good. He mentioned how he couldn''t wait to be in the same house with me a couple of minutes ago. I don''t know what he is thinking. Does he really want me in his place all the time? Is he actually looking forward to it?


    ''''I spoke to my mom.''''


    He nods ''''And?''''


    ''''It''s about me moving in with you guys. I don''t actually think it is a good idea for us to live together. We might get caught that way.''''


    He furrows his brows, I continue ''''I asked her, actually no, I plead with her. I had to grovel but she is going to let me stay at the apartment, well only on weekends''''


    ''''I see,'''' he mutters.


    I don''t like the tone of his voice. He is supposed to be happy about this. we have a house to ourselves. Without the interruptions of his father and my mom. The look on his face is even worse. There is sadness in his eyes. Why is he sad?


    ''''You don''t look excited. Why are you not excited?''''


    He sighs, I grab his hand in mine. I don''t want him sad and now that I might be the reason for his sadness. It is eating me up. ''''Talk to me.''''


    He sighs again but his grip on my hand tightens. He is not upset with me. something is bothering him but he is not upset. That is all that is important to me. I don''t ever want to do anything that will hurt him.


    ''''Would it be so bad living with me?''''


    I crease my brows from the confusion of his words. This is not about him; it was never about him to begin with.


    ''''Who says I don''t want to live with you?''''


    He shrugs.


    I frown ''''I always want to be close to you. You are the love of my life. going a day without you is torture.''''


    ''''Then why do you have to fight so hard. Just move into the house. At least then we can be together all the time.''''


    ''''We can be together here too.''''


    He shakes his head and suddenly loosens his grip on mine. I watch him as he lets go of my hand and runs his through his hair. He is frustrated. I can tell that much.


    ''''Everyone is noticing.''''


    ''''Noticing what?''''


    ''''Us.''''


    That is why he is worried?


    ''''Has anyone said anything?''''


    he looks at me ''''Not directly but I shouldn''t be spending all the time I am spending with you. My father thinks you will turn me gay. Lisa has her eyes on me like a fucking hawk. What excuse can I use to come to you?''''


    So, John is not actually okay with me being gay. He is just pretending because of my mother. I knew the whole thing was just too good to be true. So, he went as far as to tell Ford that I would make him gay.


    Wow.


    ''''We are friends. At least, they think we are. You don''t have to give an excuse to hang out with a friend.''''


    "We have nothing in common. No one actually believes we are friends.''''


    I roll my eyes at his words. We don''t have to have anything in common to be friends. We can be two different people and still like hanging out with each other. I can understand why this is messing with his mind. He knows we are not friends and he is too scared that people will notice soon enough that there is more to our relationship. I am not scared and I am more than willing to be the brave one in this. The fact that we have the apartment to ourselves is a good thing. The chances of getting caught are slimmer.


    "We love each other, that is something we have in common,'''' I remind him.


    He smiles, I mean that genuine one where his eyes crinkle and his nose crunches up. The one I love so much. The one I wish could be on his face all the time. I lean forward until my face is pressed to his ''''This is a good thing. You don''t have to tell anyone that you are coming to see me. You just show up and then they don''t have to know. We will be fine,'''' I assure him.


    He bends his head backwards and I watch him, still holding unto him. A groan escapes his lips¡ªthis is very hard for him. No one ever said love was easy. Going into this relationship, I already knew. It wasn''t going to be easy. There are just too many obstacles and even though I plan to overcome them with him, it isn''t going to be the easiest.


    Love isn''t sweet unless there is a little pain.


    "Would you mind driving away from here?'''' I look up to him with hopeful eyes.


    He creases his brows in confusion "Why?"


    "I want to kiss you." there is desperation in my voice. The kind that makes me excited and a little bit terrified.


    He smiles and I watch him start the car and drive until he gets to a park close to the apartment. The park is empty as it usually is. This is not the best part of town, so people like to avoid walking around late at night. The fact that Ford parked his shiny car here is not so safe but I don''t plan on keeping him here for too long. I just want to be in his arms. The wedding is tomorrow, the reality is kicking in and I am anxious.


    I am still holding unto him as he rests into my arms, his head on my shoulder. "The wedding is tomorrow,'''' he blurts out the elephant in the room.


    "Yeah, just stay with me all through. I don''t want to think about it."


    He chuckles "You know we don''t have anything to do with them. My father is not the best person. I doubt this will last.''''


    I don''t doubt about his dad but I also saw the way he looks at my mom. He loves her, the fact that he even accepted me even though he is not okay with it is just proof. He doesn''t want to do anything to jeopardize this. That much is obvious but I don''t say anything to Ford. If he thinks their marriage will fail, then the better for us because he will use that to channel all his strength into fighting for us.


    He looks at me and his eyes flicker, with a dark sultry look that gets to me. When he looks at me like this, I feel special. I feel treasured like I am the most important person to him. He is the most important person in my life. I can''t even imagine my life without him anymore. There is no going back from this, not that I even want to.


    He reaches out and brushes a strand of hair from my face. I know my hair is a mess but he seems to like it the way it is. He likes everything about me. The things I never liked. All my insecurities, this man looks at me like I am the most beautiful person on earth.


    "You know after this is over, we should take a trip somewhere, like to another country, a place far away from here,'''' he mutters still brushing my hair in a comforting manner.


    I close my eyes I rest into him. A trip with him sounds very inviting. An escape from here, somewhere we can be ourselves. ''''We have the rest of our life together,'''' I breathe into his neck


    He sighs knowing full well I am right and we can''t take a trip right now. He said he has all eyes on him and I don''t want to do anything to ruin what we have, especially when it is so perfect.


    We drive back to my place and he grabs my hand in his with a gentle squeeze ''''I love you,'''' he manages with this look on his face that I cant read. Almost like a mixture of worry and fear.


    ''''Always,'''' I assure him.


    As he leaves me and I walk back into the apartment, I can''t help but think and wish that things were different.


    Easier.

 Chapter 54 - Wedding Day.

    Lance.


    Weddings are supposed to be beautiful. They are supposed to make you cry the good kind of tears. You look at the person as they walk down the aisle and see the beauty of it all.


    Maybe everything is sinking in. the fact that they are getting married. I mean, I am like the only other person apart from ford that doesn''t want this. We probably would take someone walking in and shouting ''I object'' over this thing being successful.


    All our things have been packed and organised by John in our new family house. I didn''t even have to do anything. My new room is already set up for me¡ªI guess that is a perk of having too much money and not knowing what to do with it.


    I haven''t been able to get any alone time with Ford. Somehow, I feel like he is avoiding me. Maybe he doesn''t want things to look suspicious, I mean he said everyone is watching him. they don''t want him to hang out with me too much because I might turn him GAY.


    I haven''t had any time to make sure he is okay because mother dear is all over the fucking place. It all started in the morning. Apparently, we overslept. We were supposed to be up by 7 but somehow, we let the night get to us. You can''t blame me, she wanted to stay up with me till like really late because things were changing and she wanted to spend her last night single with her most favourite person on earth¡ªher words, not mine.


    The only reason we even woke up in the first place was because her maid of honour/best friend came over. We were all going to ride to the wedding together. So, imagine all the chaos, when we realised it was almost 10. The wedding was supposed to start at 11. She had to get to the church and the venue in an hour. I watch them as they scurried along, unsure of how to react. The only thing I needed to do was put on my suit. I didn''t care about everything else.


    After we got the church, things only became more chaotic. She was spiralling, I could tell that much so I needed to be the one to calm her down.


    ''''Why am I doing this? I am too old to be getting married again. Maybe this is a bad idea.'''' Those were her words. She looked at me all beautiful in her white dress and gripped my arms tightly.


    Deep down, she wants this but she was letting the dear get to her and I needed to be her sense of reasoning. I couldn''t convince her not to do this because it would be the selfish thing to do. Just because I want to be with Ford and I want them apart doesn''t mean I have a right to take something that I know could be the best thing that ever happened to her. My mother is the only family I have and I will never hurt her in that way.


    ''''You want this. you love him. So, stop all the over thinking and let me take you to your man.''''


    That was all it took. A couple of sentences and now here I am walking my 36-year-old mother down the aisle and the only person I have my eyes on is her new stepson. He is watching me too, his eyes are fixed on me, like there is a secret that only the two of us know¡ªoh wait there is. We walk slowly and john has his eyes on my mom. Everyone has someone that they are watching. I tilt my lips upwards Ford reciprocates with a smile back. It is the best thing I have seen all day. That beautiful smile from him. He is dressed in a black suit. It hugs his build perfectly which makes me admire and wonder why mine looks different. There is nothing flattering about mine but you see my boyfriend, he looks like he was made to wear the suit. He looks like a demi-god that graced me with his presence. His beauty is unexplainable, there are no words.


    ''''You got this,'''' I whisper those words as we stop in front of the priest. I let go of her hand and stand next to Ford. Suddenly we are in close proximity. I can smell him. our shoulders brush against each other and I can tell he wants to touch me. I reach for his hand, it is just a slight brush of our fingers but I feel him shift against me. this is my way of letting him know that everything is alright.


    That their beginning doesn''t mean an end for us.


    I look over the audience. The people seated and I only know one person. Literally, the only person I know in this thing is Jack, my best friend. It just makes me realise that this is not my life. this is hers.


    She is starting a new life and I don''t belong there.


    *********************


    "Can you go somewhere with me?" he says those words so low that I almost don''t hear him. we are at the reception now. So, everything is official now. There is no going back from this.


    They are married now.


    Ford is officially my stepbrother.


    This is the first time I have actually talked to him today. his eyes are red, it seems like he has been crying. I don''t know, I am worried about him. I don''t know what is wrong and I can''t help when I don''t know what to do.


    ''''Right now?'''' I ask him.


    He nods and a smile sprawls on his face. The reception is by a lake. The grass is green, under the canopies. Everyone seems to be enjoying the party on the dance floor. This is what weddings are about. Celebrating the union of two people and here we both are depressed as fuck.


    ''''Where?'''' he stands up from the chair in front of the round table covered by a table cloth. jack looks at both of us with a smile. He is our number one fan "Go on,'''' he urges me, totally eavesdropping on our conversation.


    I roll my eyes, darting my eyes back to my boyfriend ''''Just follow me.'''' he says and walks away from us.


    I look at him as he disappears to the crowd and on instinct, I stand up from my seat and follow him down the rabbit hole. This is both exciting and terrifying to me because I want to be with him but I also don''t want to get caught.


    We keep walking, away from the party, away from all the people I don''t know and don''t care about. We don''t stop walking until we get to the woods. He is in front of me, I watch him through the trees and the reflection of the sunlight as it hits his silhouette. He doesn''t stop walking, doesn''t turn around to even walk with me. at this point, there is no one around, so it is safe to say we won''t get caught but he continues walking until we get to a cabin in the middle of the woods.


    I don''t know how much time has passed but from my heavy breathing, this was quite a hike. I walk faster towards his and grab his arm to stop him. I need him to talk to me, let me know what is going on.


    "Are you okay?'''' I ask him worriedly.


    He smiles and pulls me closer; I see his eyes waver around in fear that someone could be watching. "I am sorry,'''' he breathes.


    I furrow my brows because he hasn''t done anything so I can''t understand why he is apologising "Sorry for what?''''


    He sighs and let''s go of my hand "Can we go in?''''


    "In where? The cabin?"


    He nods.


    "Whose place is it?''''


    "Don''t worry about it, I have a key." He waves the key in the air and a smile crawls up to his face. His emotions keep shifting today. I can''t tell if he is happy or sad. I am hesitant about this whole rendezvous. I don''t know what is going on in his head. I wish he would just tell me what is wrong.


    We shouldn''t even be here; someone is bound to look for us. Lisa was all over him all day and she will ask around about him.


    I don''t want to be sloppy at this point but I also know I can''t leave him like this when there is so much desperation in his eyes.


    "Just a couple of minutes,'''' he begs.


    I sigh from all the confliction in my mind. he apologised to me, so he must have something to talk to me about. I don''t know what is because most times I can''t even read him.


    I can''t leave him here alone.


    He needs me.


    I need him too.


    So, fucking much.

 Chapter 55 - Panic Attack

    Lance.


    The moment the door is closed, he pushes me to the wall and smashes his lips to mine. This comes as a surprise because I didn''t even know this was what we came in here for. I thought he wanted to talk. He looks like he needs to talk.


    I try to get him off me but he is stronger than me "Ford, stop," I grab him by his waist and this time I succeed. He pulls back from me and a sigh escapes his lips. His eyes are closed as he rests his forehead on mine.


    I am confused.


    I don''t know what to do or say.


    "What is going on? You know we can''t do this here.'''' I remind him. we agreed to be a secret. He can''t be acting this way. It could jeopardize everything. I can''t lose him right now when he is all I need.


    "Fuck,'''' he cries out loud.


    "Did something happen?" I want to know what is going on in his head. Why is he suddenly this upset? It cannot be about the wedding. We knew about this from the beginning. We were ready for it. It doesn''t have anything to do with us.


    "I don''t know what is wrong? I am losing my fucking mind,'''' he moves away from me and grabs his hair from all the frustration. I have never seen him this way. I take slow steps to him because I don''t want to overwhelm him.


    "Tell me what you''re feeling right now?''''


    He turns and looks at me. his eyes are very red and he kinda looks crazy right now. Fuck, I don''t mean to call him crazy. I don''t know what to do. I walk up to him and he jumps away from me, almost like he doesn''t want me to touch him. I really don''t know what is going on and I don''t know how to help him, he is not acting like himself.


    ''''I am sorry, come here,'''' he tries to reach for me and I don''t fight him off. He needs me right now and I don''t want to do anything to push him away right now, especially since I don''t know what is wrong with him. things between us are good. Yeah, the wedding is taking a toll on us but that doesn''t have anything to do with us. We decided to live for us, we are not focusing on the things that are happening outside.


    He grabs me by my waist but I don''t fight him off, I let him pull me closer until his face is resting in the crook of my neck ''''I am sorry. I don''t know what is happening. I am panicking,'''' he cries with shaking hands.


    I don''t know what to say.


    I can''t handle him in tears.


    ''''Did something happen?'''' I want to know what transpired to make him this way.


    I haven''t really seen a lot of him today. he has been with Lisa all day. They had on matching clothes, looked like the perfect couple. I chose to ignore everything because deep down, I know he is mine. She might think she has him exactly where she wants him but he doesn''t love her. He will never love her.


    ''''I couldn''t be with you. All I wanted to do all day was walk up to you and kiss you and I couldn''t,'''' he is still crying. His tears are getting to me because I don''t know what to say to make him stop. Let him know that everything will be alright.


    That it doesn''t matter to me.


    ''''You don''t have to apologise, we are cool,'''' I assure him.


    He pulls away from me slightly, still holding me by my waist. His eyes are red and blotchy. He can''t go back out like this. I have to calm him down and make him feel better. ''''This is more than being cool. I feel like I am losing my mind. I want this all to just end.'''' He lets go of me but I grab his hands immediately to get the situation under control.


    There is more to this and he is not telling me. I wish he could open up to me completely. Tell me about his demons because they are eating him alive. Right now, this man in front of me doesn''t look stable. I mean mentally, something is wrong and I want to help him.


    How do I help him?


    ''''Stop, just breathe. Please I want you to just breathe,'''' I grab him by his neck and pull him until his forehead is pressed to mine. I look into his eyes, not even blinking ''''don''t think about anything. Just look at me and breathe.'''' He obeys my order as he tries to steady his breath.


    He remains quiet in my arms and I watch him, hoping that this will calm him down. I can''t have him freaking out here.


    ''''Think about the trip we talked about, where would you like to go?'''' I bring up something that could make him smile.


    He watches me in silence, not answering. I am not going to rush him. he should take his time. Get himself calm.


    ''''Bali seems like a place to be right now. The water, the food. We could get a place by the ocean. What do you think?''''


    He closes his eyes. The tears seem to have stopped, that is a good start. ''''Are you picturing it. The water, our room with the view?'''' I continue. I will talk to him until he is back to normal.


    A smile forms on his face, it is faint but I notice instantly. I will take that for now.


    Shit, what is even normal with him? What if this is just the way he is? Maybe he has anxiety issues. I mean what do I really know about Ford. I don''t have a problem with him having any issues. I am ready to be there for him through everything but I wish he would just talk to me, let me know what is wrong so that I can know how to deal with it.


    After a couple of minutes in the silence, I drag him to a corner on the carpeted floor. He sits down and I do the same next to him. we have been gone for a while and someone must have noticed by now. I just hope his dad is too busy to notice. Him and Lisa. Those are our major threats.


    ''''I am sorry,'''' he speaks up suddenly.


    He keeps apologizing.


    He has done nothing wrong.


    ''''I love you,'''' I remind him. he watches me in the dim-lit cabin. I don''t even know how he got a key to this place but this is just an added mystery to everything he does. I feel it, deep down, that he is keeping a lot of things from me. Ford hasn''t opened up to me. I don''t know if he thinks that I will judge him. I have shown him that I can be trusted, that he doesn''t have to hide who he is with me. I am here for the long run. Through everything. I have to do this at his pace. I can''t be here forcing him to trust me. it has to come naturally.


    ''''Are you feeling better now?'''' I ask wanting to be sure.


    He nods immediately ''''Bringing you here was stupid. I don''t know what I was thinking.''''


    I shake my head ''''It wasn''t stupid. I am glad you brought me here. I didn''t have any time to admire you out there,'''' I wink because he is actually looking Hella fine today.


    Like how could someone look this gorgeous?


    My back is pressed to the wall and my legs are stretched out. Ford lies down on my laps and looks up at me ''''You must be confused.'''' He mutters.


    I shake my head again ''''Nope, this is normal. I am freaking out too.'''' I don''t want him to worry about my feelings. I just want him to know that there is nothing wrong with him.


    Everything is probably taking a toll on him. the fact that he has to pretend to be my brother now when that is far from what we both want. I understand him, I completely understand what he is feeling.


    ''''I just panicked, seeing you and not really being able to be with you,'''' he cries.


    My heart breaks.


    Completely shatters at those words. Fucking hell, this relationship is sad. It is the most genuine I have ever felt about anyone and I can''t even be with him the way I want to.


    ''''You are with me now,'''' I remind him.


    He chuckles nervously ''''Yes I am,'''' he reaches for my face and the electricity shoots up my skin from his touch. His finger brush against my cheek until they stop on my lips. I close my eyes because I want to remember this moment for as long as I live.


    No one can tell me what I feel for him isn''t real because I will always know it. I will always feel this.

 Chapter 56 - The Demons Are Back.

    Ford.


    The voices in my head are back again.


    Screaming, tormenting me, laughing at all my pain and there is nothing I can do to stop it. The freak out with Lance was one of my worst moments. I have had many of those moments but I wanted to keep that part of myself from him. I never wanted him to see me like that.


    The shift in my emotions.


    I thought I could hide it.


    I thought I could go on without him ever noticing.


    I don''t know what happened or why it happened but at the wedding, I lost my shit. Seeing everything happen right in front of me and being unable to stop it. Drove me insane¡ªI mean that literally.


    Lance is acting like he is not worried, he is trying to be there for me and I appreciate it. I appreciate it with all my heart. I am not being honest with him; there are so many things he doesn''t know about me. things I don''t think I will ever be able to tell him.


    Things went by so fast after the wedding. He settled into my house and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn''t even have enough time to prepare for everything mentally. I am supposed to just accept things the way they are.


    ''''Can I come in?'''' Lance pokes his head through my door. I am lying down on my bed with so many thoughts running through my mind. I have been avoiding him for the past two days. I don''t know why; maybe I am embarrassed by my outburst but I know he can tell.


    Lance is a pretty smart guy.


    He can always tell when I am acting up.


    Avoiding him doesn''t have anything to do with him. this happens to me a lot. I need some space to get over my head. Not space from him, space from the world.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I manage in a low rumble.


    He smiles and walks into the room. He is dressed in one of his regular grey shorts and a sleeveless shirt with a rainbow in the middle. His feet are bare and his hair is a mess as usual.


    He stops in front of the bed and I hate this uncomfortable feeling creeping into our lives. I want to smile and wrap him around my arms but I don''t know how to at the moment.


    ''''I feel like I haven''t seen a lot of you, these past two days.''''


    I sigh because I miss him so much. He is so close to me but also very far away. The ford that wants to be with him is buried deep down in my heart. Right now, I am a shell of myself. I can''t seem to find the happiness that I know that I get from him.


    Fuck.


    ''''I''m here,'''' I breathe out.


    Am I really here?


    I feel like my mind is so far away at this moment. Like I am looking at him but I don''t really see him. there are too many things happening in my head. I wish he would just leave, so he doesn''t have to see me like this.


    He sits down on the edge of the bed, there is this awkward tension in the room. How did we go from last week to today? ''''You know you can always talk to me.''''


    I nod because even through this mood, I know that. why am I not being honest with him? He would understand if I tell him the truth. At least I''d like to think that he would. Everything will make more sense. He wouldn''t have to worry about me as much as he is right now.


    ''''Are we cool?'''' his voice shakes.


    Now he thinks, this is about us. fuck I hate that I am putting him through all this. Why is it so hard for me to be honest with the man I love? I love him so much, why do I have to feel so numb?


    ''''Yeah we are,'''' I tell him dryly. I am in my head; the words were supposed to come out a lot more sensitive to him but my body has a mind of its own. I can''t do anything to make him feel better because I am not ME right now.


    He raises a brow and I watch him with a blank stare. He must feel like I am pushing him away. How do you push someone away when you are not even close to the person right now? Physically I am in the room with Lance but my head is far away from him.


    I look out the window of my room and away from his face because I don''t like how he is looking at me right. There is confusion mixed with a little bit of frustration on his expression and I don''t like it one bit.


    Slowly I turn my back to him, knowing full well that he is still watching me. I can already feel the tears as they fall from my eyes to my cheeks before they settle on the pillow. Crying in front of him again when nothing has happened. Is this the person I want him to see?


    Things were going so well with us.


    I hear a shift in the bed and then a loud sigh from him. slowly, his hands reach out for me as he lies down next to me. my back is still turned to him that he still can''t see my face and all the tears.


    ''''I just want to stay here with you,'''' he says softly into my ear.


    I haven''t been to his room since he moved her. It is on the other side of the house. So he wouldn''t even have any reason to come to mine. With all the attitude I am giving him but here he is in my arms because he knows something is wrong with me. I haven''t been honest with him but he is still here. He still loves me.


    He is still mine.


    I grab unto both of his hands and pull them closer so that he can hold me tighter. I feel his hot breath in the crook of my neck ''''I missed you,'''' he whispers.


    I miss you too.


    I don''t say it but turn around to him, till his lips meet mine. He doesn''t push me away; he only goes deeper into the kiss. I haven''t kissed him in two days. I feel like I was in withdrawal from him. I missed his lips. He slides his tongue into my mouth and what started out as an innocent kiss takes a turn for desperation. I grind into him because I want more, I want all of him.


    I reach for his shirt and he helps me take it off. I do the same with mine and we strip until we are naked pressed against each other. I feel everything, I feel again.


    ''''I missed you so fucking much,'''' he repeats as he plants wet kisses all over my face. I grab him by his waist until he is on top of me. Resting my back against the headboard of my bed I press my lips to his again. I have never wanted him as much as I want him right now. I want to continue feeling, wipe away all the numbness.


    ''''Do you have a condom?'''' he asks in between kisses.


    I nod as I reach for the drawer on the bedside table. I grab the packet of condom and lube and push him till he is beneath me, waiting and ready. We are both hard as we press against each other, no time for foreplay. I need to be inside him and I need him now.


    ''''I''m sorry I have been a jerk,'''' I apologise because I need him to forgive me before we do this.


    He leans forward and slips his tongue into my mouth. His way of letting me know my apology is forgiven. Our lips stay entwined as I prepare him for me. first one finger and then another. His eyes close from the bliss I try to control myself. I have to hold on till the end. Can''t be finishing before I have even started.


    ''''Fuck,'''' he moans his mouth still on mine. His fingers holding unto me with gentle scratches.


    ''''More?'''' I ask him wanting to be sure it doesn''t hurt.


    He looks at me ''''I want you inside me now,'''' he begs his voice shaking.


    I smile because I love this man so much and also because I can feel again. Slowly, I enter with just the tip. His eyes open wide as a moan escapes his lips. I stop suddenly because I don''t want to hurt him.


    He pulls me into him deeper ''''Don''t you stop,'''' he warns me.


    I go into him and the feeling of pure and unfiltered bliss engulfs me whole and complete. Time stops, all my worries dissipate as I feel all the feelings, I had lost just a couple of days ago. I look at this man beneath me and he is all I need.


    He is all I want.

 Chapter 57 - Shitty Friend.

    Lance.


    ''''What do you think is wrong with him?'''' I walk down the halls with Jack and Eren, my backpack over my shoulder. We are on our way to class.


    ''''Maybe he the wedding took a toll on him,'''' he suggests.


    I didn''t tell him about the day at the wedding, I didn''t feel it was right to tell them about it but the fact that it has been two days and he has been avoiding me, stings. I have tried, I didn''t bring up what happened that evening. I wanted him to be comfortable around me but he seems to be in his own head. Today is Monday, he missed school saying he wasn''t feeling up to it. We are in two different schools; my school is like a charity project for his. I can''t be missing classes cause I actually want to graduate. I want to get into a good college. That is the only way we would actually be free.


    I have it all planned out.


    We act until no one can control us again.


    We can''t start to misbehave until we can stand on our own. I can''t survive without my mother yet. I know he has money but I don''t want to depend on him fully. I want to contribute to our relationship¡ªfuck I don''t know if we are still even in a relationship.


    ''''Have you tried talking to him about it?'''' this time Eren asks. We stop in front of my locker and I open it, grabbing my Math textbook.


    Eren knows about my relationship, at first, I thought it wasn''t a good idea to tell him about it because we are supposed to be a secret but he is one of my best friends and we couldn''t keep him out of it.


    ''''He doesn''t even talk to me,'''' I cry desperately, for a solution.


    ''''I think you should tell him how you feel, don''t just bottle it all in. I heard that shit messes up relationships.'''' Jack advises me.


    I cover my face with my hands as I close my locker. It is easier said than done, how do I talk to him when he has the covers over his face and he wouldn''t even look at me, he wouldn''t talk to me. I am trying to figure out what is wrong with him. there has to be an explanation. How can he hot today and then cold the next moment?


    Jack slaps my shoulder ''''Come on man, let''s get to class.'''' They walk ahead of me. I grab my phone from my side pocket and dial his number.


    It goes straight to voicemail as I thought it would. I hear his voice on the other end of the line and I suddenly realise how much I miss happy Ford. I don''t like the way he is right now and there is nothing I can do. he wouldn''t even talk to me, so how can I help someone when I don''t even know what is wrong.


    ''''Hi baby, I miss you. Please talk to me.'''' I end the voicemail with so much dread and sadness as I run over to my friends.


    After class as I shuffle my books into my bag, Elizabeth a girl in my class walks over to us with a flier in her hand. ''''Hi guys,'''' she says cheerfully. Her eyes are on Jack but she is talking to all of us.


    Remember when I said Jack was a popular guy that wasn''t really in the IN crowd. Well, moments like this just showed how loved he is by everyone. The only reason she is even talking to us is because of him.


    ''''Hey Liza,'''' he winks, she squeals like a little girl and I roll my eyes.


    ''''So, there''s a party tonight at the Hive.'''' She gives him the flier and I lean over closer to him to see it.


    Party again. I don''t know why Jack is always involved when it comes to parties and he always ends up roping me into them. I fucking hate parties, I hate them with my soul and every other organ in my body.


    ''''We will be there,'''' he winks, again.


    I groan because I don''t want to go to a party on a Monday night. We have school the next day, I don''t know if they all realise. We will all end up drunk and with a hangover at school. Not the best idea to have a party on a weekday but as usual, high school kids don''t fucking think.


    Elisabeth walks away from us with a wave and back to her group of friends. I watch them as she tells them something which ends up with them squealing in unison.


    I roll my eyes as I stand up from my chair. Jack and Eren follow behind me. ''''Don''t even try and convince me because I am not going for this party. There is no way in hell you are going to drag me to this thing.''''


    I warn him even though I know myself and I know my best friend. We have this discussion¡ªor should I say argument every time there is a party. I beg him and tell him that I am not interested and he ends up pleading or using something against me, like how he would do anything for me if the tables were turned.


    Eren chuckle because he has witnessed this first hand.


    He also knows that I will give in. jack has my dummy button that he always presses to get what he wants.


    ''''Wait, let me tell you why you need to go for this party.'''' He stops me in the hallway.


    It is time for Lunch so we are heading to the cafeteria as we usually do every lunch period.


    I roll my eyes ''''Lemme guess, it''ll be fun?'''' he shakes his head ''''There will be a lot of cute girls¡ªoh wait since I am gay now, guys?''''


    He slaps his forehead dramatically ''''Dude, do you want to stay in that house when Ford is not even talking to you?''''


    Ouch.


    He brings up the one thing that has been bothering me all day. ''''You''re an ass.'''' I push him away from me but he just grabs my arm to stop me from escaping.


    ''''I didn''t mean it that way. You are being extra sensitive right now.''''


    I groan because he is right. Jack is the only one that calls me out when I start to act up. He is the only one that is allowed to be brutally honest with me. ''''Why don''t you just invite Camilla?'''' I remind him about his on and off fling for the past couple of weeks.


    He shakes his head but remains quiet. Jack is never quiet, so there is something sus about this.


    ''''What happened?''''


    We get to the entrance of the cafeteria and to the line with our trays. I nudge him because the silence is eating me ''''We broke up,'''' he shrugs like it is no big deal.


    I furrow my brows in confusion because he is saying this so casually almost like he is already over it. Jack was head over heels for this girl. How come he didn''t tell me about this.


    ''''When?''''


    He shrugs again ''''About a week ago.''''


    I frown not liking the answers he is giving me. He went a whole week without telling me something so important in his life. Have I been so self-involved that I didn''t even notice?


    I feel like the shittiest friend right now.


    ''''Why didn''t you tell me?'''' I stop him from walking.


    He sighs ''''It is not a big deal.''''


    ''''She was to you,'''' I remind him of how infatuated he was with her. How is it suddenly not a big deal?


    ''''You were dealing with shit.''''


    I frown ''''What shit?''''


    He shrugs ''''Family shit¡­ remember?''''


    I know I have stuff that I am going through but our friendship is not onesided. This is a two-way street, so what gives him the right to decide, what I should be involved in and what I shouldn''t.


    I am pissed.


    ''''So¡­ you were all smiles with me even though you were going through this? Eren did you know about this?'''' I face my other friend.


    He has a guilty expression on his face. the realisation that I was the last to know hits me and this makes me even angrier.


    ''''Fuck you guys,'''' I walk away from them and to the door of the cafeteria. Jack is the only one I have. He is my best friend and he kept this from me. what do we have if we don''t even have transparency?


    ''''Stop being dramatic,'''' he grabs my hand as I walk out of the lunchroom.


    ''''You''re a fucking asshole. Why would you keep a break up from me? we have a tradition.''''


    After a breakup, well after Jack breaks up with a girlfriend. We always end up in my room with the biggest tub of ben and jerry chocolate flavour and we have to eat it all. He went through this breakup without our tradition. Of course, I am pissed.


    ''''Do you remember the night you brought Ford over passed out drunk?'''' he reminds me.


    I nod.


    ''''We broke up a couple of minutes before you called me down. it didn''t seem like the right time to talk about it.''''


    If I felt like a shitty friend then, now I even feel worse. How come I didn''t notice?


    ''''I am not trying to make you feel even worse. I just want you to know that I didn''t tell you because what you were going through then was worse than my break up with Camille. You have been there for me through all my breakups. This is the first time you are in a relationship, one that is not even straight forward. I am being there for you.''''


    I sigh because he always knows how to make me feel better. He might not have been there for my breakups but he has been there in general. He is my brother, my best friend and I love him with all my heart.


    ''''Fine, we will go for this party.''''


    He makes a fist in the air and as usual, Jack gets his way.

 Chapter 58 - Back In Reverse.

    Lance.


    We finally had a moment.


    I am finally in his arms again. I didn''t even realise how much I missed him until he wrapped me in for a kiss. I hate being withdrawn from him. it a punishment I don''t like to face.


    Ever.


    We are lying down next to each other, naked with heavy breaths. Sex with Ford is always amazing. He looks at me with lazy eyes as I reach for his face, resting my thumb on his cheek.


    ''''I am sorry about earlier,'''' he apologises again.


    I smile because all is forgiven and forgotten. The fact that we are here together in this bed means that he is fine. There is nothing wrong with him¡ªat least for this moment.


    Deep down, I know eventually, he will have to talk about everything but I don''t intend to rush him. I look at Ford and I know we have the rest of our lives to figure everything out.


    ''''We''re fine,'''' I lean forward for a kiss.


    He smiles into the kiss and pulls me closer. My phone vibrates on the bed beside me and I remember the party I am supposed to go to. I promise Jack, and things between us are kinda rocky. I want to make it up to him and that means I have to go to that party.


    ''''How do you feel about going out tonight?'''' I ask him.


    He lets go of me with a raised brow ''''Where?'''' he is a lot better than earlier. You have no idea how relieved I am about that. I can''t handle moody Ford. He doesn''t want me.


    ''''A party, at the Hive.''''


    He creases his brow in confusion but there is a smile on his face. please keep on smiling baby. Don''t ever be sad.


    ''''Am I supposed to know where that is?''''


    I forgot he is a prep kid. The hive is a spot for us, not them. That is a good thing because none of his people will be there. We can be as free as we want.


    ''''it''s a club, come on. I think it''ll be good to go out tonight,'''' I know I am pushing him but I want him with me tonight. I want him out of his funk.


    Fuck, I miss him so much.


    ''''I don''t know if I am up for going out tonight.''''


    I sit up on the bed and he watches me almost like he knows I am about to try and convince him ''''Please, I promise this will be good for you.''''


    We didn''t talk about his mood. I don''t want to be the one to bring it up. I want him to be able to talk about it to me. There should be a point in his life where he would begin to want to open up to me. I won''t rush him; I will be as patient as I can. It is going to be very hard but I will do my best to be the best support system he can have.


    The fact that he completely withdrew from me these couple of days hurt but he is here now. He is smiling and I will take a week of his smiles and two of his tears, over not having him in my life.


    No one is perfect and I am coming to realise it.


    I have to love him through his good days and bad, even if there are a lot of bad days in the picture.


    ''''We have school tomorrow; I''ve got basketball practise all night. There''s a game on Friday. Do you think it is a good idea to be out late?''''


    ''''I know, we won''t drink. Just some fresh air and a little bit of mingling. You will get to meet Eren.''''


    I have told him about my other best friend but he hasn''t met him. Ford doesn''t have any issues with me telling my friends about us. As long there is no relation to his father, we are good.


    ''''I would like to meet him,'''' he breathes out and I release a sigh of relief. I didn''t even know I was worried. He kisses my forehead softly and pulls the covers off us. We are both still naked, so I ogle him lustfully. I just had him minutes ago but I already want more. Is it possible to be addicted to someone? Because I think I am addicted to Ford.


    He stands up from the bed, not bothering to cover up ''''Come on, we should have a shower if we want to go for this thing.'''' He winks, my heart melts in my chest.


    His hair is matted to his head from all the sex sweat, his body shines as the light above him glistens against his chest. He stretches his hands out and I reach for them as he pulls me off the bed, I sling my arms around his neck and he presses his lips to mine.


    ''''I love you,'''' he says pulling back from the kiss.


    It feels nice to hear him say it. I have missed hearing him tell me how much he loves me. I have this fear in me, that eventually he will stop loving me, stop fighting for us. I don''t ever want that day to come but it is still a lingering worry. One that I can''t seem to get rid of. One that creeps up whenever something or someone reminds me that we are wrong for each other.


    ''''I love you,''''


    He smiles ''''Remember that, especially when I am being stupid. Don''t ever forget.''''


    I nod.


    He leads me into the bathroom and we hurry as we wash each other up. I remember the first date we had in this same house. This house that I now live in. we had a shower that night. It was the best day of my life. it opened me to so much, made me embrace myself to who I really am.


    After our shower, I watch him as he wraps a towel around his waist and throws one to me, I walk out of the bathroom but he remains inside.


    ''''I''m just gonna go to my room to change,'''' I tell him which gets a nod from him as I walk out of his room. Halfway down the hall, I realise that my phone is still in his room on his bed and I need to call jack which makes me go back to his room.


    I open his door and his eyes look up at me, probably not expecting me back so soon. There is an orange pill bottle with a white cap in his grip and a bottle of water on his other hand.


    ''''I forgot to take my phone with me,'''' I explain even though there really is no need for an explanation. ''''What is that,'''' I gesture to the medicine.


    He looks at his hand at the bottle like it is the first time he is seeing it. ''''Oh¡­ uh, aspirin. I have a headache.'''' He waves it in the air. I can''t see the name on the cap but it looks like a prescription.


    He is lying to me. he might think I am stupid but I can tell when he is hiding something from me and he is definitely hiding something from me. this is another one of his secrets.


    Too many secrets.


    ''''Okay, I will get dressed.'''' I walk out the door after grabbing my phone. I don''t know why he is on medication but I wish he''d trust me enough to let me know.


    I am the least judgemental person¡ªokay maybe not the least but I wouldn''t judge him. I want to be there for him, not criticise him.


    I see a couple of missed calls from Jack as I enter my room as his face blares on my screen on facetime. I answer immediately and he glares at me through the phone. He is in his car ''''What the fuck dude,'''' he whines.


    I chuckle ''''I am sorry, I am getting ready now.'''' I tell him, raising the phone up so that he can see me better.


    ''''We were supposed to leave for 10. You know I have to come to pick you up from your fancy-ass house.''''


    ''''Ford is coming with us. He can drive me to the Hive.''''


    He raises a brow ''''You guys made up?''''


    I nod.


    ''''What crawled up his ass?''''


    I shrug ''''I still don''t know. We just kinda went back to where we were. Do you think its stupid not talking about things?''''


    ''''Did you ask him what was wrong?''''


    I shake my head ''''We just kinda held each other and I didn''t want to ruin things by talking about that.''''


    ''''You know you can''t keep pushing things back. He needs to open up to you.'''' He points out.


    ''''I kinda want him to do it on his own¡­ you know. I don''t want to push him to trust me.''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''That dude trusts you, man. I just think there is something that he is scared of. He probably doesn''t want to lose you.''''


    ''''I guess. I gotta get ready. I will call you when we get there.''''


    He nods ''''See ya.''''


    I drop my phone on the table by my bed and look around the room I am supposed to call my own. I had nothing to do with anything in this room. It was like this when I came here. From the paint on the walls to the bed and furniture. The only things that I can call mine are my clothes and my laptop on the table. John had someone set up the d¨¦cor.


    I don''t feel at home here.


    I doubt I ever will.

 Chapter 59 - You Are Worth The Bad Days.

    Lance.


    ''''Are you ready?'''' he comes into my room for the first time since I moved here. The change in his mood started at the wedding, so when I came back home that night without my mother, I was all alone.


    Ford locked himself up in his room and I didn''t push for more. I wanted to give him some space, considering the outburst he had in the cabin. He stayed in his room that night and the next.


    He looks around the room as he enters deeper into the room. I am in front of a mirror, attempting to brush my hair. It is a rarity for me to brush the monstrosity on my head. he stands behind me and I look at him in all his glory. He is dressed in a pair of black jeans. I must say they fit him perfectly. His shirt is a navy-blue polo shirt with sneakers. His hair is high above his head, neater than this curly mess on mine.


    ''''Far from it,'''' I groan from the frustration.


    He chuckles ''''I could help you with it,'''' he suggests.


    I nod immediately and he bursts out in laughter. I sit down on the chair in front of my desk and he grabs the brush on my dressing table. ''''You don''t need a lot, because you have beautiful hair,'''' he informs me.


    I roll my eyes ''''You have to be joking. My hair is a mess.''''


    He shakes his head as he brushes my curls to the back. He grabs the mousse that I keep but have never used and sprays it on my hair. Slowly he continues to brush the hair and I watch him as he creates a centre part. I have never been able to control my hair and in just a couple of minutes, Ford has been able to make it look decent.


    ''''Wow,'''' I exclaim in shock.


    He chuckles ''''It looks good.''''


    ''''I can''t believe you made me look like a human being.''''


    He scoffs ''''You always looked good. I don''t know what you are talking about,'''' he drops the brush on the table and goes over to the bed ''''You look good enough. Let''s go.''''


    Slowly he sits on my bed and his eyes roam around the room ''''This doesn''t look like your old room. You didn''t bring any of your stuff with you?''''


    I shake my head as I grab my wallet from the table beside my bed and put it in my pocket ''''Nah. This really isn''t my home. So, I left most of my things in my apartment.''''


    He nods ''''Do you ever feel angry with the world?''''


    I look at him and he is watching me with this serious stare that it chills my bones.


    I don''t know what he means by that statement but I walk over to him and he wraps his hands around my waist ''''I am angry all the time. So, fucking angry,'''' he continues.


    What do I say to that?


    I am angry too but I don''t think about all the things that could make me angry. I think about all the good I have. I appreciate the things that make me smile and that makes me forget all the things that piss me off.


    I wish he could channel all his emotions to the good things in life but I don''t say anything. I don''t want to ruin his mood right now. I just want to listen to him; I want him to know that I am there for him.


    No matter what.


    ''''I am here. If you ever need to vent out your frustrations.''''


    He smiles as he pulls me closer ''''I know that. I am glad I have you. Thank you for being so amazing.''''


    ********************


    We get to the parking lot of the club and I see Jack and Eren immediately. Jack is seated on the bonnet of his car and Eren is in front of him. they seem do be deep in conversation.


    ''''You go meet your friends, I will find a spot to park,'''' he says as he plants a soft kiss on my lips.


    I get down from the car and jack notices me immediately. ''''You made it,'''' he stretches his arms out but I ignore him with an eye roll.


    Erne chuckles probably used to our banter.


    ''''Where''s the boyfriend?'''' Eren asks.


    ''''He''s parking the car,'''' I explain.


    A couple of minutes later, Ford joins us and I introduce him to Eren. There is nothing awkward about the Intro. My friends are the least judgemental people. Eren accepts him immediately and it almost seems like he is part of the crew.


    I am glad that he can be comfortable with my friends.


    We enter the club and it is dark with blinking neon lights. There are people on the dancefloor and at the bar. We find an empty table and settle in as Jack gets us drinks ''''I am going to get wasted tonight,'''' he screams because of the loud music.


    I look at Ford because I know alcohol is a problem for him. he hasn''t really said anything about it. I don''t know if he is an addict. I just know that he gets weird when he drinks and I don''t want him tonight.


    Maybe I shouldn''t have brought him to a place where there would be a lot of alcohol.


    ''''I''ll be back,'''' I whisper in his ears.


    He nods and I walk over to the bar where Jack is. ''''Get a coke for Ford,'''' I inform him.


    He nods and adds that to his tab ''''Is he not gonna drink?'''' he asks curiously.


    I haven''t talked to Jack about it and I don''t think I should. I mean, he might not be happy with me putting his business out there. ''''No, I don''t know. Just in case he doesn''t want one.''''


    He nods. He pays for the drinks and we walk back to the table. Ford grabs me by my waist and pulls me to his laps. I sit down on him, straddling him in the process. The room is dark, no one can see us and besides no one cares here.


    ''''You are fucking beautiful,'''' he whispers and I feel the chills on my arm as the hair on my arms stand.


    He bites my earlobe and I love every second of it. I don''t know what is happening right now but I live for this public display of affection. His lips are still suckling my ear ''''Do you want to dance?'''' he asks still smiling.


    I raise a brow but my lips are tilted up for a smile.


    I am loving this Ford so much.


    ''''Yeah.''''


    Eren whistles jokingly as I drag Ford to his feet. Jack is already talking to the girl that invited us here. Going to parties always left me alone. That was the drill, I mean that is how I met Ford; by being alone. I know not to expect to have time with Jack at all his parties.


    We walk to the dancefloor with Ford pressed to me. his hands cling unto my shirt until we stop walking. There is a wide smile on his face. he pulls me by my waist until our fronts are pressed together. I have never danced with anyone before but is it supposed to feel this way?


    I don''t think it is supposed to be this intense.


    I look around in case anyone is watching us. He grabs me by my chin until my eyes are on him ''''Focus on me. there is no one in this room but us. Ignore everything and everyone,'''' the music that is playing is fast. Faster than the way we are moving but I don''t seem to mind it.


    Everyone around us is jumping to the beats but here we are in the middle of the dancefloor, pressed together and not giving a shit. My heart thuds against my chest as he leans forward until our foreheads are pressed together. His eyes are still open as he smiles at me ''''This is the part where we kiss,'''' he points out.


    I manage a smile because these are the moments where I know that this is worth it. Remember when I said there are good and bad days in relationships? Well, being here with Ford on this dancefloor is a good moment and it makes it all worth it.


    All the secrets, all the swings in his mood.


    I take it all wholeheartedly.


    I submit to him completely.


    Slowly his eyelids press together and his eyes close as our lips meet. The fireworks in my head erupt. Another reminder that he is worth it. I kiss him with my whole being and he holds unto me so tightly almost like he is thinking the same thing. I don''t know how we look to other people on the dancefloor and frankly, I don''t care.


    This man in front of me is my everything and I am his.


    I love him so much.

 Chapter 60 - Adventurous Ford.

    Lance.


    ''''Come on,'''' he grabs my hand and pulls me to the exit of the club. Eren and Jack are both on the dancefloor with different girls. They wouldn''t mind if we escape for a bit.


    He hasn''t had anything to drink but it feels like he is high. I don''t know; maybe he is just happy that we are here together. The bouncer at the door watches us with a smile on his face.


    Once in the parking lot of the club we get to the car and he jumps on the bonnet of the car ''''Join me,'''' he urges me by waving his hands in the air frantically.


    I sit on his leg and he pulls me closer till his face is so close to my neck ''''Thanks for dragging me out today,'''' he breathes into my ear.


    I smile as I look at the night sky. I am glad he came out with me. I don''t know how I would''ve been if he wasn''t here. Times like yesterday make me appreciate him all the more. Like the fact that I wasn''t with him for two days was miserable that I have grown to actually appreciate him when he is with me.


    ''''I am glad you came out with me too.''''


    He huffs out a loud breath as he plays with the curls on my head ''''You know, I know you are confused by a lot that is happening.''''


    I look away from the sky and the beautiful stars to see his face clearly. His expression is serious. I know we are about to talk about what happened.


    ''''It''s fine. You will talk to me when you are ready.''''


    He nods his fingers still in between the strands of my hair ''''I don''t want to lose you. I feel like I will lose you when you know everything,'''' he concludes.


    I shake my head immediately. The irony of his statement is that I will only be closer to him when he actually opens up to me. I am not going to leave him just because he has some issues. Everyone has issues, I will just have to find a way to accept him with all his issues.


    ''''I love you, nothing is going to change that,'''' I assure him.


    He nods ''''I know that. I have never doubted your love for me. Not even once.'''' He tells me with a smile.


    The fact that we are a party but we chose to come out here and just talk, means everything to me. I would rather be at home, in bed with him than here right now.


    ''''I want you to know that you can trust me.''''


    He nods again.


    ''''When you are ready. I will be here.''''


    We sit on the car in silence for a couple of seconds and I take that as him actually not ready to talk about the things that are bothering him. the things that he thinks I wouldn''t be able to accept, even though I have stuck by him through every single thing.


    ''''Let''s get tattoos,'''' he points with his index finger and for the first time, I notice the tattoo parlour on the other side of the road.


    The sign is a bright yellow hanging just above the building. I turn around again until I am facing Ford. There is a gleam in his eyes. He can''t be serious right now. I am fucking terrified of needles; how can I get a tattoo?


    He shifts away from me and jumps off the car ''''Come on, it''ll be fun. We can make it exciting.''''


    I roll my eyes but still grab his hands in mine and that helps me get off the car ''''How do we make getting tattoos exciting?''''


    He shrugs ''''Here is an idea, I choose yours and you choose what I get. We don''t show each other until we are both done and it is complete.''''


    Now I know for a fact that he has lost his mind. Why would he trust me in choosing something permanent to stay on his skin for the rest of his life? What if he hates what I choose?


    ''''You are not serious,'''' I deter even though we are already heading to the direction of the shop.


    He stops walking and faces me, grinning from ear to ear. This is someone that was in bed sulking, now he wants to get a tattoo and he is all smiles and adventure. ''''I am. We have to live for these moments. I promise I will choose something you will love,'''' He winks, my heart melts.


    The door to the entrance is transparent and made of glass, which makes it easy to see the people inside. ''''Tell me we can do this, come on,'''' he pleads knowing full well that I don''t have the strength to say no to him.


    His eyes bore into mine, that smile still plastered to his face as I release a sigh in defeat. ''''Fuck yeah,'''' he grins as we walk in through the front door.


    A man in a full beard looks up at us as we enter. His expression is stoic, totally not welcoming. His body is covered in tattoos, with piercings all over his face. I am already terrified and we haven''t even started anything. Ford on the other hand still has that stupid grin on his face. I am glad that he is happy and all but isn''t this taking it to the extreme?


    ''''Come on,'''' he pulls me deeper into the room.


    I look around as he walks to a lady at the back of the counter. She smiles as he walks up to him. I block them out as I walk around the walls. Staring at all the designs on there. I don''t even have to think twice. I already know what I want to put on him. Maybe he will get the bravery he needs to be who he is when he sees it.


    After a couple of minutes of looking around, he walks back to me ''''Okay, I showed them my Fake ID. The lady agreed to do yours without seeing yours. Had to tip her a hefty one,'''' he winks.


    He has been winking a lot.


    ''''You wanna go first?'''' he asks.


    I shake my head. ''''I think you should go first. I need some liquid courage,'''' He chuckles because as usual, I am being my overly dramatic self.


    ''''Okay, they have a minibar over there. Should I get something for you?''''


    I nod immediately. I don''t think I can do this completely sober. I need to get drunk for this. ''''I should show the guy a pic of what I want for yours. Where are you getting it?'''' I ask him.


    He raises his hand up to his left wrist ''''Right here, so it has to be very small.''''


    Oh, it can be small.


    Opening the safari app on my phone, I browse for pictures of what I want for him and smile when I finally find one accurate enough. Ford walks back to me with a small bottle of Ciroc vodka. He opens the cap and passes it to me ''''You have to gulp it all,'''' he tells me still smiling.


    I roll my eyes at how good he is at being a bad influence. Here I am drinking and getting a tattoo all in the same day. Maybe this is not so bad after all. I mean you only live once. What is the point of going through life without having any fun? I can say my life before Ford was pretty boring. Imagine going to a party just to play video games in an empty room.


    I grab the bottle from him and gulp it all at once, ignoring the horrible sting it leaves in my throat. Ford laughs as I give him the bottle back. We walk to the man with the tattoo gun.


    ''''Hello, so I am going first,'''' Ford explains even though the man is not interested in small talk ''''He is going to choose what I get. I can''t know until it is done.''''


    I giggle as the effects of the alcohol surface. I am already feeling a little tipsy ''''Get on the chair,'''' he speaks for the first time. His voice is deep, almost like he could care less.


    Ford nods and sits down on the slingback chair. ''''I want it right here,'''' he points to his wrist as he looks away. I show the man my phone and he smiles at me for the first time because of my picture.


    ''''Ford, he is smiling. Is it bad that he smiled when I showed him the picture?'''' Ford looks at me and expresses shock from the man''s face.


    ''''Oh¡­ uh, I don''t know. I trust you.'''' He dismisses, facing away from us again. He is really serious about the whole not seeing it until it is done. I really don''t know what has gotten to him.


    The artist chuckles ''''Good choice.'''' he tells me.


    I watch the man¡ªBill as he uses the gun on my boyfriend. Ford doesn''t flinch as the needle pierces his skin.


    I hope he doesn''t get pissed at my choice.

 Chapter 61 - The Good Kind Of Insanity.

    Ford.


    The pain from the needle is nothing to me. The fact that I am sharing something with him is everything to me. I sneak a glance at him, making sure to avoid the artist and what he is drawing on my skin. I don''t want to know until it is complete. I want the surprise, the excitement that comes with it. I feel so alive right now and I want to commemorate this feeling with a memory.


    Lance must think I am insane and fuck, maybe I am but I like this insanity over the one I just came out of. He wouldn''t understand until I tell him everything, I am going to tell him everything. at least the most important things that he should know.


    You see, our relationship is blossoming. We have so many barriers. So many things that could potentially ruin this but I want to look at the glass half full. I have a boyfriend¡ªwhom I love with all my heart and he loves me back. Even though we have to be a secret and we can''t express how we feel about each other, we still feel the love. We still know how we feel. I have been a major jerk to him but he still stuck by me. slowly, he is showing me that he is not messing around¡ªhe is in this for real and I need to show him that I feel the same.


    All his worries are for a good cause. he wants to make sure I am okay. I am okay. This is all normal for me but he doesn''t know that. He won''t know until I tell him and I am going to tell him. not today though. I am over my mood. Things are looking brighter.


    Things are better.


    At least I want to be happy for a while without ruining it.


    ''''Come here,'''' I stretch my free hand to him and he walks over to my side, grabbing my hand in the process. There is a cheesy smile on his face¡ªmy favourite smile from him. All the fear that was in his eyes have vanished. Probably from the alcohol.


    The tattoo artist looks up at us as I pull Lance even closer and press my lips to his for a kiss my eyes not wavering from my boyfriend. When I am out in public, in places that no one knows me, I can be myself. I can be who I want to be without worrying about judgement and hate. I don''t care about Bill or Evelyn¡ªthe lady by the counter. They can judge me all they want and I still wouldn''t give a shit.


    ''''Tattoo makes so much more sense now,'''' Bill mutters after we pull apart from each other.


    Lance groans ''''Hey, don''t give him hints.''''


    He warns Bill, who just laughs at us. That is the kind of person my boyfriend is. This is a man that was a brick wall when we came in. Now, he is all smiles and talks. Lance opened him up to us. He is the guy that everyone loves. It is easy for him to make friends, find love. He is an amazing person and I am so fucking lucky to have him in my life. I wouldn''t do anything to risk that.


    Once my tattoo is complete, bill wraps it up so I wouldn''t be able to see it and I stand up from the chair and lance goes on it. There is a stool next to the chair so I sit on it as he squeezes my hand ''''I am so scared,'''' he giggles obviously already drunk.


    There is a smile on his face as bill walks back to us with a napkin on his shoulder ''''What did you decide?'''' he directs the question at me.


    I smile because I knew the minute, I asked him to get a tattoo with me. ''''Can I steal you away from him?''''


    He nods with the same smile on his face. lance raises a brow as he watches us ''''I can''t say it here.''''


    He nods in understanding.


    Bill walks over to a corner ''''So I don''t have a picture of what I want, it might not make any sense.''''


    He smiles ''''What do you have in mind. my imagination is good.''''


    I nod ''''So, I want you to draw a burglar, like the ones in old cartoons with the black masks, striped shirts and all.''''


    He chuckles, I continue ''''and then you know how they always have a bag of money?'''' he nods ''''Well we are going to swap that for a pair of boxers.''''


    He furrows his brows in confusion. You see, in my head, it is all mapped out. The perfect tattoo. Lance will know what it is once he sees it. It is an inside joke.


    ''''Are you sure about this?'''' he questions with doubt.


    I nod ''''Can you do it?''''


    Moving his head up and down he replies ''''Oh, I can do it but will your boyfriend appreciate it?'''' he is worried about Lance''s reaction but all I can pick from his comment is the fact that he called him my boyfriend.


    Fuck, I have a boyfriend.


    A smile crawls up to my face ''''Yes, he will. It is an inside thing.''''


    ''''Then I think it is perfect.''''


    We walk back to the sling chair and lance is on the phone ''''Oh, we are getting tattoos.'''' He tells the person on the other end of the line.


    I stiffen in hopes that he didn''t just drunk dial his mother. ''''Who is that?'''' I ask with worry.


    He smiles ''''Patrick.''''


    Jealousy seeps through from just his name. I still hate that guy but I don''t want to focus on hate right now. I am on love island and I don''t plan on getting off it anytime soon. You see, my father and his mother will be gone for two weeks. We have this time to ourselves. I have to use this opportunity to get closer to him. only God knows when we will have another moment like this.


    ''''I gotta go. It is my turn. Wish me luck.'''' He ends the call and I sit down next to me.


    ''''I am scared. You have this gleam in your eyes. Almost like you chose something crazy.''''


    I chuckle. I don''t think my choice is crazy. Maybe a lot funnier but definitely not the kind you will regret. It is sentimental and I am so sure he will appreciate it, which will make the risk of getting tattoos worth it.


    ''''I promise you will like it.''''


    He smiles and rests his back on the chair. ''''Where do you want it?'''' Bill asks him.


    Lance shrugs ''''I don''t know, should I just get it in the same place?'''' he asks me. I mean, it will be nice to have our tattoos in the same place, so why not?


    ''''Sure baby.''''


    Bill starts the outline of the drawing and lance winces as he grabs my hand from the pain that it brings. I am used to pain; my baby is fragile. I wish I could take all the pain from him right now.


    ''''You good?''''


    He nods ''''It fucking hurts.''''


    I squeeze his hand as a tear slides from his eyes. Slowly I reach for him and wipe it off. Starting to regret forcing him to do this. maybe this is not such a good idea. I don''t like to cause him pain and he is in a lot of pain right now.


    ''''I''m sorry,'''' I apologise.


    He looks up at me as he still manages to smile ''''For what?''''


    ''''Maybe this is not such a good idea. You are in a lot of pain.''''


    He frowns ''''I am not a wuss. I can handle the pain. Ignore me please,'''' he assures me.


    I smile ''''You know, you never cease to amaze me.''''


    He nods his eyes getting dreamy. He is totally drunk right now ''''Remember that when you decide you don''t want me anymore.''''


    I frown because he is being ludicrous right now. I will never not want him, even when he is done with me. even when he can''t handle me and all the toxicity that comes with me.


    ''''You are not going anywhere. Never.''''


    The sternness in my voice is surprising even to me. it is almost like a warning to him. a disclaimer to the fact that he is stuck with me for the rest of his life. I don''t even want to imagine my life without him. I don''t want to imagine a day when I won''t get to see his pretty face.


    ''''I love you,'''' he smiles as he leans forward and kisses me softly.


    I look over to bill, for a reaction. Maybe disgust, irritation, I don''t know. His eyes meet mine and there is a smile on his face. he doesn''t seem to care about me and lance. there are people in the world that are accepting. I just wish the people in my family could accept us.


    Well, who needs them?

 Chapter 62 - I Want To Take Care Of You

    Ford.


    ''''Tell me we are done,'''' he cries as I squeeze his other hand for some form of comfort.


    His eyes are closed as Bill does the finishing touches of the tattoo. I lean forward, so I can get a view of it and it is perfect. Exactly what I envisaged. ''''Perfect,'''' I tell the artist and he grins, content with his masterpiece.


    ''''First time I see shit like this though. I should add it to my portfolio,'''' he comments.


    I chuckle as lance opens his eyes in an attempt to sneak a peek ''''No cheating,'''' I warn him ''''We have to see them together.''''


    He groans still a little tipsy. Bill walks away from us still smiling and I look at my boyfriend. I am over this outing and he seems to be too ''''Do you want to go home?'''' I ask him.


    He nods immediately ''''I am tired, and my head is spinning,'''' he giggles as he tries to stand up from the swivel chair. I grab him by his waist so he wouldn''t fall on his face and he chuckles again ''''Shit, I shouldn''t have had that much alcohol.''''


    I smile as I pull him to his feet, and he plants his chin on my shoulder as I walk over to the door ''''Enjoy the surprises.'''' Bill shouts at us.


    We both turn around and he is still smiling. The contradiction from the man now to when we came here is uncanny. Lance waves at him and I lead him out of the parlour. ''''I should call Jack, he will be pissed if I leave without telling him,'''' his words are slurring.


    ''''I can call him for you.''''


    He brings out his phone from his pocket, passes it to me and I dial his best friends number. it takes a while for Jack to answer.


    ''''Yo, where the fuck are you.''''


    ''''This is Ford.''''


    ''''Oh, where is Lance. Are you guys okay?''''


    ''''Yeah. We are kinda leaving,'''' I explain.


    ''''Why, you guys disappeared an hour ago. Is everything okay?''''


    I smile, kinda touched that he is worried. Jack is like the best friend to Lance and I wish I had that. ''''Yeah, I kinda got him a little too drunk.''''


    lance punches my shoulder ''''Hey, I''m not drunk.''''


    I laugh ''''He needs his bed.''''


    ''''Oh... Lemme know when you guys get home. Gotta go.'''' he ends the call and i look at Lance.


    He smiles as I lead him across the street to where the car is parked. This is the first time I am seeing him drunk. He has never let himself go. Like ever. I don''t know if I like it but I feel like the fact that he got drunk, means he trusts me enough to know that I will take care of him. I buckle him to the seat belt and he wraps his arms around my neck pulling him closer to me ''''I want to kiss you, don''t go,'''' he slurs.


    I smile because this is adorable ''''I am not going anywhere. I just want to get us home''''


    ''''Home?'''' he furrows his brows like my words don''t make any sense. ''''Where is home?'''' he asks still holding onto me.


    ''''Wherever you are,'''' I tell him.


    He opens his eyes wide, takes a deep breath and then leans forward ''''You know you are a jerk,'''' he breathes into my mouth. the vodka smell hits me instantly.


    ''''What did I do?'''' I indulge him.


    ''''You didn''t want to talk to me. You didn''t kiss me for two whole days. No explanation whatsoever.''''


    He is talking about the past two days. I feel the sudden guilt hit me all over again. I don''t know how I can explain things to him, and this is not even the right time to talk about things, but an explanation will make things clearer. I don''t know if the truth will keep him, but he will understand. Deciding to stay with me after he finds out, is something I won''t know until I tell him.


    ''''I have been a jerk,'''' I take full blame.


    Our faces are so close to each other as I bend to reach him, standing in front of the car door. He doesn''t seem to want to let me go. I don''t even care¡ªif he wants to hold me like this all night, I will take the leg pain for him. As long as I get to be in his arms.


    ''''Will you do it again¡­ not kiss me for two days?''''


    I don''t know how to answer that question. I can''t tell him that it won''t happen again because it will. This is not something that just started. This is a part of me, and I don''t know how I can assure him that it doesn''t mean anything.


    ''''I promise to make it up with a million more kisses. If I don''t kiss you for a day. I will kiss you until you can''t be kissed the next,'''' That is the best I can do. I can''t promise him when I don''t even know how I will feel tomorrow.


    Tonight, became a good night, considering the day I had. I might wake up to a not so good day.


    ''''A million kisses,'''' he scrunches up his nose ''''How is that even possible. My mouth will be sore.''''


    I laugh, pressing my lips to his. He closes his eyes and welcomes me to the kiss as a moan escapes his lips. A million of these kinds of kisses sound amazing. I slide my tongue into his mouth and chills erupt within me. The wind blows into the car as we make out heavily, not giving a shit about anyone but us now. ''''I forgive you,'''' he says pulling back to look at me.


    He might be drunk, but I see the pain in his eyes. The fact that I gave him the silence got to him. he might''ve acted like he was okay like he was strong and could carry the weight on his shoulders but in this moment, I see it. I see the pain that was caused by me.


    ''''I love you.''''


    ******************


    I park the car in the garage and look over at him. his snores loud through the silence of the night. The car seat is pushed to the back, in a bed like position. I didn''t think the night would end with him passed out drunk, but he is still adorable.


    I take out the key from the ignition and walk over to the passenger side. Lifting him up into my arms, I carry him into the house, to my room. There is no one here, apart from the guards outside. We have the house to ourselves until they get back, so I can keep him in my room with no one ever finding out.


    I pull off the covers with one hand and place him on the bed gently. His snores travel into the room. So drunk Lance snores loudly. I am finding out new things about it. I don''t mind his snores, sleeping next to him and his snores will make me feel him.


    I don''t mind that at all.


    I take off his clothes, making sure to avoid the tattoo we just got because it will hurt. Definitely. He will feel it a lot more in the morning. Once he is out of his clothes, I wrap the sheets around him and walk into the bathroom. Taking a glance at the bandage around my wrist. I manage a smile because I know I won''t regret this decision, no matter what Lance engraved on me.


    I wash my face and change my clothes. There is only one light on in my room. The lamp by my bed, which makes me see him clearly. He is sleeping so soundly that I am glad he had the alcohol.


    I lie down next to him and wrap my arms around him because I want to stay as close as I can to him.


    Slowly my eyes close and I drift away into a beautiful slumber.


    Through the silence of the night, I feel him as he pushes into me, trying to get closer. Slowly I part my eyelid and he is watching me in the dark of the night. His eyes the only thing shining.


    ''''Why are you awake?'''' I ask him as I try to look at the time on the bedside table.


    Four o clock.


    ''''I can''t sleep,'''' he answers still watching me.


    I manage a smile as he leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my lips ''''When did we get home? Can''t remember a thing from last night after we got the tattoos.''''


    I smile because I remember everything. For the first time, I was the one that took care of him. I like doing that for him.


    ''''You passed out in the car. You were just a little too drunk,'''' I wrap my arms around his waist and his head rests on my chest.


    ''''You gave me the alcohol. Now I know why I don''t drink. I am such a lightweight.''''


    I chuckle because he is more than a lightweight. That bottle was tiny, it shouldn''t have made him pass out. It is so funny to me because I could handle way more than that.


    ''''I guess we have now both seen each other drunk and passed out,'''' he mutters, and I remember that night.


    I never want him to see me like that. I don''t have an alcohol problem. Alcohol is just a way for me to forget things. I am not at that point where I cant stop if I want to. I just choose to.


    ''''Well you won''t see me like that again, I promise.''''


    He looks at me and my expression is serious. I don''t want to be a burden to him. I will make sure he doesn''t have to worry about me. if I can control it. I will be the best I can be.


    For him.

 Chapter 63 - Big Reveal.

    Ford.


    I feel his lips on mine the minute I open my eyes in the morning. We woke up around five in the morning and went back to bed. Now it is 8 o clock in the morning, and we have school. I have basketball practise after school, so I wouldn''t even be able to spend time with him.


    ''''Good morning,'' he breathes into my mouth.


    I smile as I deepen the kiss, wanting to be completely devoured by him. He giggles into my mouth as I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling him closer. His mouth tastes minty, like toothpaste. ''''Did you brush your teeth?'''' I ask him.


    He pulls away from me slowly with a nod ''''I had like really bad breath. Didn''t want that to be torture for you.''''


    I smile, ''''I don''t mind.''''


    He rolls his eyes and sits up on the bed, the covers fall off him and I see him in all his glory. His lean body rests against my headboard ''''What if we skip today,'''' he faces me with a gleam in his eyes.


    ''''Like school?''''


    He nods ''''Yeah, its already eight. We are pretty much late. So why not just skip?''''


    I really want to take him up on his offer. I want to spend the whole day with him and not care about anything but I cant miss basketball practice. Father is involved. He will be upset with me if he finds out and oh he will find out.


    ''''I have practice,'''' I inform him.


    He sighs ''''It''s just one day.''''


    ''''I know¡­ there''s an important game on Friday.''''


    ''''So? You must be a hotshot. Missing one game doesn''t make a difference,'''' he shifts closer to me until I am in his arms. ''''Come on baby. Let''s be rebels for once in our lives.''''


    I don''t tell him that the fact that we are in this secret relationship is us rebelling against our parents. I don''t want to remind him of the tattoo that he seems to have forgotten, even though that is all I want to look at. I want to see what he put on my wrist. I want to know what I mean to him, at that tattoo will represent it.


    ''''Say yes...''''


    I groan, I really want to say yes. I really want to spend the day with him. I have to meet him halfway ''''Okay, how about this¡­ we spend the day together, but I go for practice in the evening?''''


    ''''Can I come with?'''' he questions.


    At this point, he is asking for too much, but I want to give it to him. I wish I could give him everything he deserves ''''I''ll bring Jack along, so it doesn''t look weird¡­what do you say?''''


    It''s not a closed practice, so I don''t think it''ll be a big deal if he tags along. ''''Sure,'''' I agree.


    He jumps up from the bed and walks over to the bathroom door ''''Can I have a shower in your bathroom? Mine''s too far.''''


    I nod as he walks into the bathroom. I rest my back on the headboard of the bed with my eyes closed, feeling content with everything. I am in a peaceful place in my life. Maybe things are taking a turn for the better for me.


    ''''Oh my God,'''' I hear his scream from the bathroom.


    I run into the bathroom and he is in front of the mirror, completely naked. His eyes are fixed to his wrist. The part where we got the tattoos. The bandage is off, and he has shock written all over his face. Okay, guess he looked at it without me.


    ''''I forgot we got these. Shit, have you seen yours? You are going to hate me,'''' he cries looking at me in complete bewilderment.


    I walk over to him and sure enough, his looks exactly how I wanted it to. I don''t think I will hate him if I don''t like mine¡ªI might be disappointed, but I won''t hate him.


    ''''What were you thinking?'''' he asks but there is a smile on his face.


    He likes it.


    ''''I was thinking, when we first met, you thought I stole someone''s underwear. So why not remind you of the day we first met by putting permanent ink on your body of the name you first called me.''''


    He called me boxers'' thief, now he will never forget.


    ''''You are crazy¡­ I can''t believe this,'''' he says still staring at the tattoo.


    ''''Do you hate it?''''


    He shakes his head ''''I love it. it makes me smile.''''


    That was what I was going for. something to take away the pain. I don''t want him to think of me and attach misery. There should always be a smile on his face when he thinks of me.


    ''''You''ve not seen yours.''''


    I nod.


    ''''Aren''t you curious?''''


    I nod again because I have been curious since the needles pierced my skin but I wanted to see it when he was awake and I wanted to hear his reason for whatever he put on me. this is the beginning of our forever. This tattoo will represent and mark our relationship.


    ''''Well what are you waiting for,'''' he exclaims as he reaches for my wrist.


    Slowly he takes off the bandage and I watch him as it stings slightly. I am nervous because I am not good with surprises, but I am also excited. The bandage falls to the floor and I stare at the ink. My heart racing against my chest. I have no words. No words to describe how I feel at this moment.


    ''''Well?'''' he urges as he watches me.


    I remain quiet because I need to digest this. all my emotions are on overdrive. How do I describe what I am staring at? There is a horizontal line on my wrist, almost looks like a slit. What should look like blood pouring out of the gash is something else. It is sparkly and all the rainbow colours. it almost looks like a pride flag. Is that what he was going for? the pride colours?


    ''''You hate it,'''' he concludes.


    My eyes remained fixated on the ink. I can''t think, I can''t breathe at this moment. Not because I hate it but because I am overwhelmed by it. how can he understand me so well?


    ''''I am sorry, fuck I thought you would like it. I really wanted to do something that you can relate to,'''' he starts to spiral. I need to get him back on track.


    ''''I don''t hate it,'''' I manage.


    He releases a sigh of relief ''''But you don''t like it?''''


    I look away from the tattoo for a second and to his eyes, he is scared. There is regret in them. I don''t want him to regret what we did last night because I don''t regret it.


    ''''How can you know me so well? It''s like you look at me and you see everything.''''


    He smiles ''''I see you, Ford. I see all that you can be, the fact that you hide who you are from everyone doesn''t mean I can''t see it.''''


    My legs move on their own accord until I am in lifting him off his feet and placing him on the sink. ''''Shit, that is cold,'''' he whines, I remember that he is butt naked.


    ''''I want to fuck you right now.''''


    He opens his eyes wide from my words. I know I am being crass, but I need to put all these emotions to play. I need to feel him against me. I want him to quiver and moan. I want him to be a mess.


    He places his arms around my neck, already shaking. No words leave his lips and I take that as my consent. There is too much that I need to vent out and I will right now with him. I reach for the cabinet above his head and bring out a packet of condom and lube from it.


    ''''You keep condoms in your bathroom?'''' he smiles with a raised brow.


    My eyes are dark, my dick is hard. I want him so badly and I fear I will not be able to control myself today. I reach for the shirt and pull it off my head in an instant. Lance watches me, with excitement in his eyes. He likes this part of me. he likes when I take control. I plan on taking control of his body.


    He helps me with my boxers and now we are both naked. I go on my knees and he watches me as I take him in my mouth, all at once. A moan escapes his lips as he grabs my hair in between his fingers. Clutching, pushing me deeper as I taste him.


    ''''Don''t stop,'''' he pleads with desperation pouring out of him. I keep on sucking and licking until he is a moaning mess above me. I feel him as he stiffens and cums into my mouth. He is out of breath as I get up to my feet and push my mouth into his. I grab the packet of lube and put some on my fingers, and then to his entrance. He is ready for me as I slide a finger into him, circling to get him ready.


    ''''Fuck, don''t stop,'''' he begs.


    I kiss him again as a sort of distraction as I go deeper into him, now with two fingers. His screams echo through the tiny walls of the bathroom, the moment I wrap the condom around me and push into him with all the energy I can muster. He is tight, so fucking tight. I go faster because I want to feel everything.


    ''''Oh my God,'''' he cries calling my name as I hit the spot I have come to memorise. I grab his leg pulling it up to gain more access into him.


    My lips are on his, our bodies are pressed together as I go even faster. Not wanting this moment to end.


    ''''I love you, fuck I love you so much,'''' I cry in between kisses, overwhelmed by everything that is happening.


    I reach my peak at the same time he does, falling to his chest from the pressure. Lance closes his eyes completely spent. Not long after, he laughs. I peer at him in confusion.


    ''''We are insane,'''' he manages in between his laughter.


    A smile sprawls to my face because he is right.


    We are insane.

 Chapter 64 - Depression?

    Lance.


    ''''So you and your boyfriend totally ditched school today,'''' Jack hits my shoulder playfully.


    I smile because just remembering my day makes me giggle. ''''It was your fault. I told you parties on a school night is a bad idea.''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''I went to school,''''


    We are in the parking lot of Ford''s school. it is just opposite ours. He is supposed to be having practice. So we are waiting for him to get us to the gym.


    ''''Where did you guys disappear to last night?''''


    I shrug ''''Home.''''


    He scoffs ''''Before you went home. You left the club.''''


    I nod ''''We got tattoos.'''' I tell him so nonchalantly. I have gotten used to my tattoo. Somehow it has become a part of me. I love it so much. He opens his eyes wide from my words obviously shocked. Jack has three tattoos. So it is not shock from the tattoo but shock that I actually got one.


    ''''You have got to be kidding me.''''


    I shake my head and raise my hand up so that he can see it. he grabs my worst to get a closer look and I wince in pain. ''''Fuck dude, it still hurts,'''' I tell him.


    He softens his grip ''''What does this even mean? It looks stupid.'''' He teases obviously he doesn''t get it. I mean it is an inside joke between me and Ford. ''''Is the cartoon guy holding boxers?'''' he looks at me.


    I nod.


    ''''It''s the stupid nickname for Ford, isn''t it? Boxers'' thief?''''


    Okay, I said he wasn''t going to get it, but I guess he does. That''s the thing with Jack. He knows everything about me. it is a blessing and a curse. Cause he can read me like an open book.


    ''''Well I think it is cute,'''' I stare at the ink for like the hundredth time today.


    He rolls his eyes and picks up his slushie from the top of Ford''s car. He takes a sip of it as Ford walks over to us. He is already in his uniform. This is the first time I have seen him in his uniform, and I have to say I love the look on him. His jersey is red with the number 21 at the back of it. if Ford wants to go pro, he could pull it off. He is as tall as the ones I see on Tv.


    ''''Why do we have to watch him play?'''' Jack asks as he stops in front of us.


    Ford smiles ''''Well, I think it would be boring, but Lance wants to, and I give my baby whatever he wants.''''


    Jack fake gags ''''You guys are gross.'''' He exclaims.


    Ford laughs and I give Jack the middle finger. We are out in public, so all the things I want to do to him right now have to be on hold. I can''t take his hand in mine; I can''t kiss him. I can''t even walk too close to him because people will see, and they will talk.


    I don''t even know why I insisted on coming to this practice with him. He can''t even introduce me as anything but his stepbrother. Maybe I just want to see how his life is outside me. I want to know if he has friends. How he interacts with his peers. I want to peel another layer. I want to get to know him more.


    ''''You can''t interfere. My coach is very strict. So, no distractions please,'''' he tells us.


    ''''I don''t even want to be here, so don''t even worry about me,'''' Jack assures him.


    We walk into the building and there are students loitering around the halls in their uniforms. I remember the time I tried to surprise him. not such a fun memory but we have come a long way from then. We go deeper in the school with Ford in front of us leading us. Jack nudges me with a whisper ''''What are you up to?''''


    He is suspicious of me.


    ''''I don''t know what you are talking about.''''


    He laughs ''''I know you dude. Why would you want to be here? You don''t even like sports.''''


    ''''I do like sports.''''


    He scoffs ''''Only if they come in a video game. There must be a reason. There is always a reason with you.''''


    I roll my eyes because there isn''t any reason. Besides, is there anything wrong to want to watch my boyfriend play a basketball? I want to be supportive.


    We get to the gym and it is full of other people in the same uniform as ford. he turns around facing us with the same warm smile on his face. ''''Come on,'''' he leads us to the bleachers. There are other people seated. So maybe this is not so weird. I mean it isn''t right?


    ''''Hilly, get your butt over here,'''' an old man in a baseball cap waves him over. Okay, I am guessing that is the coach.


    ''''I have to go now, just call me over if you need me,'''' he says, and I see the longing in his eyes. He leans closer ''''I really want to kiss you right now,'''' he whispers into my ear. ''''Remind me when we get out of here,'''' with that he walks away from us and the to court.


    ''''This must be really hard for you,'''' Jack points out the obvious as we sit down. He grabs his phone from his pocket and I watch him get submerged into it.


    ''''He doesn''t seem to have any friends,'''' I notice.


    He looks up from the phone as we both look at Ford. I always knew that he was kind of a loner, but I at least thought he had one friend. He is in his element right now, the place he spends most of his time and he looks like he would rather be anywhere else. I notice the guy from the hotel¡ªhis teammate, Nate.


    ''''You can''t be too sure; his friends don''t have to be his teammates.''''


    ''''He hasn''t even talked about any friend. Not once. He knows everything about me. he has met you and Eren. I haven''t met any of his friends.''''


    ''''Is that why you wanted to come here?''''


    I nod.


    He sighs ''''Look man, I didn''t want to say anything before because you are still stuck on love island but I think there is more to him than he is letting you know.''''


    I furrow my brows in confusion. I know he is keeping things from me. I have known for a while, but I wish I could figure him out.


    ''''Yeah, I know that. I am gonna tell you something and you have to promise to keep it to yourself. Eren can''t even know.''''


    ''''Okay,''''


    I tell him about the pill bottle. The one I saw him take in his room and then I add all the mood swings to it and the alcohol problems. Our voices are hushed because I don''t want anyone to hear us.


    ''''It sounds like a drug problem,'''' he analyses.


    ''''He doesn''t seem like an addict. He hasn''t had alcohol in a while, and he doesn''t seem to be going through withdrawal.''''


    He sighs ''''What if he is sick?''''


    ''''what do you mean?''''


    He shrugs ''''I mean, like mentally sick. Depression, anxiety, he could be bipolar.''''


    Depression?


    I don''t know if he is depressed. I have never met anyone that is depressed. How do you know when someone is depressed?


    I grab my phone and google search the question in my head.


    Ten common signs to know if someone is depressed. I open the link and the list pops up. Jack leans over to see what I am reading. ''''You can''t tell from google man. you should ask him.''''


    I can''t ask him.


    I go to the first sign. Aloofness. When someone is depressed, they are often reluctant to be in the company of others. I think of moments I ask him to hang out with me and Jack. Go to parties. We always end up being alone at parties. We don''t mingle. He avoids everyone.


    I continue reading. Symptoms of aloofness¡ªfew or no friends.


    ''''Dude, he has no friends,'''' I point to that and jack laughs ''''Google will show you what you want to see. He is not depressed man.''''


    I don''t know why he is pushing me off this when he is the one that put it in my head in the first place. I continue with the second sign.


    ''''Increased alcohol or drug use,'''' I exclaim because everything seems so relatable.


    Maybe this is just google being google but I have to believe that something is wrong with him.


    ''''Mood swings, changes in appetite and tiredness. He stayed in bed for two days man. I am fucking worried now.''''


    ''''Now you are just listing these things. Stop being a drama queen and talk to your man if you are having any grievances,'''' he goes back to my phone and I look at Ford as someone passes the ball to him and he shoots into the net.


    Ford looks up at me and I blush ''''Handsome isn''t he,'''' I jolt from the surprise turning around to see Lisa seated at the back of us.


    She is seated with a group of girls and I didn''t even notice her. Fuck. Her hair is up in a ponytail and she is dressed in her cheerleaders'' uniform. ''''I thought it was you,'''' she smiles.


    I groan internally because I am not ready for her drama.

 Chapter 65 - The Warning

    Lance.


    Jack looks up from his phone, and Lisa smiles at him warmly. She jumps over to our line and sits down next to me. How come I didn''t even notice her behind us all along. What if she heard our conversation?


    Oh shit.


    ''''So why are you here?'''' she asks, and I watch as her eyes dart to the direction of the court. I see her ogle Ford. I hate that she is watching him with those lustful eyes. He is mine, no one has a right to look at him that way.


    ''''No reason. Just got back from school. we are going home together.'''' I lie because there is no point in being honest with her. She is irrelevant to our life. So, I don''t need to involve her in anything that has to do with me.


    She is the enemy.


    ''''Oh, I didn''t know you guys were that close,'''' her attention shifts to Jack and she leans over me to him ''''Who is your friend?''''


    Jack manages a fake smile. Fake because I know my friend and he must have put two and two together. My enemy is his enemy.


    ''''This is my best friend¡­ Jack.''''


    She smiles at him and stretches her hand out to him; I look at her nails and they are bright pink. Everything about this chick is pretty. Makes me jealous that I can''t just be like her. The right gender. Then maybe I and Ford wouldn''t have to hide our relationship.


    ''''Nice to meet you, I am Elisa'''' her hand lingers on his for too long. If I didn''t know better, I wouldn''t think she was flirting with him. I didn''t even know her name was Elisa. I thought It was just short for Elisabeth or something.


    Not that I even care.


    ''''Can I have a minute with you¡­ in private?'''' she bats her lashes at me. Why does she want to talk to me?


    ''''Why?'''' I have to ask.


    ''''I have something to say to you.''''


    I sigh because I know nothing good will come of this conversation ''''Okay,'''' I tell her and she leads me out of the gym through a back door. She stops walking in the middle of a dim-lit hallway. I scan her face for a hint, anything to tell me what this is about. I don''t like this one bit.


    ''''I know what you are doing.''''


    I furrow my brows at her words, completely puzzled. ''''What am I doing?'''' I ask her because, What.The.Hell?


    ''''I heard you guys back there.''''


    Okay, she heard my conversation. What exactly did she hear? I can''t panic right now because she might have heard fractions. We were not loud, it is not like we were shouting and I don''t think I revealed anything incriminating.


    ''''You have a crush on him?''''


    I raise a brow ''''On who?''''


    I am going to play dumb. She can''t know what I am thinking. There is no way I will let her win.


    ''''Brad,'''' she rolls her eyes like that is the most obvious answer.


    ''''I don''t know what you''re talking about. He is a friend; you have the wrong idea.''''


    She laughs ''''I see the way you look at him. I have known since the first time I saw you. So why don''t you cut it out and stop pretending.''''


    Her tone is harsh. Too harsh for my liking. She is here, attacking me and even though she is right. I don''t just have a crush on him. I fucking love him but I won''t stand here and listen to her threaten me. try to make me say things that I shouldn''t be saying right now.


    ''''I think you have the wrong impression of me; besides, what business is it to you of my relationship with Ford.''''


    ''''Why do you call him Ford? His name is Brad.''''


    I am pissed. I knew I didn''t like this girl. I knew she was going to be a problem and here she is acting as if she knows him a lot more than I do.


    ''''I don''t have time for this bullshit,'''' I head to the direction of the door, but she grabs my arm in her attempt to stop me.


    ''''He will never feel the same way about you. He is sick, whatever you think you have with him will expire and he will come crawling back to me.''''


    I force her grip off me and walk away from her because her words have me losing my mind. what does she mean by he is sick? She just heard me talking about the fact that he could be depressed. She is trying to manipulate me.


    That has to be it.


    I walk back to jack and he looks up from his phone with a worried expression ''''What is it?''''


    I grab my bag from the stool like chair ''''Let''s go, I can''t stay here any longer.'''' I announce.


    He furrows his brows in confusion. I look at the court and Ford is still playing with his teammates. I don''t want to interrupt him. I just need to clear my head. it is in a messy fog right now.


    ''''Can we go back to the apartment?''''


    He sighs and puts his phone back into his pocket. We walk out through the back door and Lisa is still there, in the dark halls. As we brush past her, she mutters ''''Remember what I said.'''' She warns and frankly, I don''t like her tone one bit.


    It is clear to me that Lisa knows, or at least she suspects, and this is her way of telling me to back off. Somehow, she is trying to convince me that there is something wrong with Ford and that is the only reason why he is with me in the first place. I ignore her as I hurriedly walk past her with my best friend beside me.


    Jack remains quiet until we get to his car ''''What happened?'''' he asks immediately we are seated inside his car.


    My breathing is heavy, the fact that we were caught by the one person that could ruin what we have is terrifying. The moment I tell Ford, he will withdraw from me. He is too scared to want to stay in this relationship with me. we just started this, and she already knows.


    ''''Can we just go home?'''' I plead not really in the right space of mind to talk about it.


    ''''Which home?''''


    I glare at him and he raises his hands in surrender ''''Fine, I think you should tell Ford you''re leaving.''''


    He is right.


    I grab my phone from my bag and send him a quick text. Nothing suspicious, just I needed to do some assignments with Jack, and I didn''t want to disturb him on my way out.


    We get to the apartment in complete silence. Jack obviously knows me too well to push it. I will talk to him about it, but I just need to think. I need to figure out what to do. I know the best option is to talk to Ford about it. tell him all my worries. He needs to open up to me, if he really is sick, I should know about it.


    ''''Come on,'''' Jack gets down from the car.


    ''''Can I just get a couple of minutes in here?'''' I ask him.


    He nods and I watch him walk out of the car and into the building. I rest my head on the dashboard as my heart races from all the fears and thoughts in my mind. this is not what I wanted when I asked to go see him in school, I just wanted to meet his friends. I wanted to get to know him a little better. Now I have royally fucked it all up.


    There is a knock on the car window, which makes me look up in confusion. Patrick is smiling as he waits for me wind down the window. He notices my expression and a worried expression comes up to his face.


    ''''You okay?'''' he mouths the words in a whisper.


    I shake my head because I am not okay. He nods ''''Want to talk about it?'''' this time his voice is louder.


    I shake my head again.


    He nods ''''Want to not talk about with me?''''


    I manage a faint smile and this time a nod.


    ''''Come on, let me take you somewhere.'''' He gestures with his hands and this time I get down from the car.


    He is dressed formally. Like in a suit and tie. This is the first time I have seen him in this kind of attire. His hair seems to be growing a bit, from the buzz cut he usually has. There is a wide smile on his face now, the excitement obvious.


    ''''Are you going somewhere?'''' I have to ask.


    He nods ''''Yes and you are coming with me.


    I look at my outfit and it is nothing like his. wherever he is going to must be fancy.


    ''''I am not dressed for whatever you have in mind.''''


    He chuckles ''''You look good enough to me,'''' he winks and grabs my hand in his. At this point, I think I need this distraction.


    What''s the harm?

 Chapter 66 - Never Letting Go Again.

    Ford.


    I look up at the bleachers and he is no longer there. The seat he and Jack occupied is empty. Almost like they were never there in the first place.


    ''''Get you head in the game Hilly,'''' coach shouts at me but my mind is on one place alone.


    Lisa waves at me and for the first time, I notice her. What the fuck is she doing here?


    Now I know something definitely happened. I drop the ball and coach hisses so loudly ''''What are you doing Hilly?''''


    I sigh ''''I need the bathroom,'''' I lie because I need to figure out what happened. The fact that Lisa is seated so close to where Lance was is suspicious to me. I don''t know what she has done but I know she has something to do with his absence.


    ''''You have five minutes,'''' he warns me with a glare. I run over to the bleachers and she leans in her seat.


    ''''Hello there,'''' she winks.


    I wince from the sight. I am beginning to hate her, and this is someone I once found solace in. ''''Where is Lance?'''' I ask her.


    She smiles ''''Your brother?'''' she drawls the words, I wince again. I hate that she is using that word to torment me.


    ''''He was here a minute ago, did he say anything to you?''''


    She nods ''''Oh, yeah. He went home on his own.''''


    ''''Why?''''


    She shrugs and I realise I shouldn''t even be asking her in the first place. I walk away from her and out the door. I go into the locker room and grab my phone from my locker. I see his message and it seems suspicious to me.


    He went home for an assignment.


    I didn''t know about any assignment before. That wasn''t the plan and he wouldn''t just leave without telling me. Did something happen to him? Did I do something to upset him?


    I dial his number and it goes straight to voicemail. This is not good¡­ this is not good at all. Things are good between us. Things have been good between us. I don''t know what happened and now I am spiralling. Thinking the worst of this situation. I search my contact list for Jack''s number. This is an emergency. I was given his number in case of emergencies.


    Unlike Lance, he answers on the first ring.


    ''''Hey,'''' his voice is calm.


    In my mind, something terrible has happened. So why the fuck is he calm? I don''t know why I am thinking the worst, but Lance is the most confrontational person I know. He wouldn''t just leave unless something happened. So, what happened? I need to fucking know.


    ''''Is Lance with you?'''' I go straight to the point because I don''t have time to be beating around the bush.


    He sighs ''''No.''''


    I furrow my brows in confusion ''''What do you mean? He sent a text that he was going with you. Where is he?''''


    ''''I don''t know?''''


    ''''What do you mean you don''t know?''''


    He sighs into the phone ''''He is with Patrick.''''


    Patrick?


    What the fuck is happening?


    Why would he leave me and go hang out with Patrick? He knows how I feel about the guy. Is he upset with me? I have done everything right. Done everything he has asked of me. I don''t remember doing anything to upset him. why is this happening now?


    I run my hands through my hair in frustration ''''What happened?'''' I have to ask because I am confused, and he isn''t answering my calls.


    ''''I don''t know.''''


    ''''Why did you guys leave,'''' I am asking a lot of questions because I need to know. Whatever I did, I have to fix it.


    We are in a good place. I don''t want to ruin that. I need him back and I need him back right now.


    ''''Your friend¡­the cheerleader chick,'''' he sighs ''''I shouldn''t be telling you this because I am only loyal to Lance but she said something to him and he was pissed as fuck. So, whatever she said pushed him to what he is doing now.''''


    I knew she had something to do with this. I fucking knew it ''''Did he tell you where he went? With this Patrick guy?''''


    ''''No man, I left him in my car, and he sent a text that he was going to clear his head,'''' he pauses, I wait. ''''You don''t have to worry about anything. Lance won''t do anything to hurt you. He is a good guy.''''


    He can sense my fear.


    I know Lance loves me.


    I know he is not the kind of person to betray me, but you have to understand that our relationship is frustrating. It can push the best person over the wall. He seems to think he can handle everything, and I believe he is doing his best but sometimes I worry that he will get tired of it all. He will throw all caution to the wind and let go of what we have.


    ''''Can I come and wait for him at yours?'''' I plead. With all that has happened, I am sure he won''t come home tonight, and I can''t wait till the morning.


    ''''Sure,'''' he ends the call.


    I grab my back from the locker and walk out the door to his car. I don''t want to go back to the gym, but I need to talk to Lisa. Find out what she said to him so that I can know how I will handle things with him. I walk out to my car and dial her number.


    ''''Hey Mr alligator,'''' she answers her phone the same way she always has with my calls for years.


    I roll my eyes.


    ''''Come outside now. I need to talk to you.''''


    ''''Sure thing.''''


    I wait for her until I see her walk over to me. there is a smile on her face. almost like she doesn''t know what she has done. She is acting oblivious but deep down I know she knows.


    Her arms wrap around my neck, pulling my head backwards, I force her ars away from me. I don''t even want her touching me. I am beginning to loathe her.


    ''''What did you say to Lance?''''


    She frowns ''''Hello to you too.''''


    ''''I don''t have time for this Lisa. You said something to him, and I need to know what you said to him.''''


    There are so many things she could have said to him. Lisa knows everything about me. maybe except the fact that I am gay and sometimes I feel like she knows that too. She might like to deny it or ignore it but deep down she knows. There are so many things she could''ve told him.


    So many things I am not sure I am ready for him to know.


    ''''I didn''t say anything to him. I overheard him talking about you. He said so many not so nice things and I called him out on it.''''


    I don''t believe her.


    She is manipulating me¡ªor at least she is trying to manipulate me.


    ''''What are you talking about?''''


    She sighs ''''Have you told him?''''


    ''''Told him what?''''


    She sighs again ''''He thinks you are a drug addict. He kept saying that you drink, and you take drugs. He seems to think you are depressed. I just didn''t think it was cool that he was rambling all that around school. I mean, you don''t know who could be listening.''''


    He thinks I am depressed.


    Do I believe Lisa right now?


    ''''Lance wouldn''t talk shit about me. you have to be lying.''''


    She scoffs ''''Because you guys are fucking?''''


    My heart stops beating. My hands become sweaty, shaking as I try to control my expression. Once she sees the shock in my face, she will confirm her speculations ''''What are you talking about?''''


    She laughs ''''Stop with the act Ford, I know you more than you fucking know yourself. I know what is going on between the two of you.''''


    She has no clue.


    She is fishing for information.


    ''''You know, at first, I thought you were losing your mind, but it is clear to me. You are in another mania. Are you taking your meds?''''


    She reaches for me. I push her hand off me.


    This is not her concern.


    This is not a manic episode.


    She is fucking wrong.


    ''''I won''t tell your father. I won''t do that to you, but you need to stop whatever you''re doing. This won''t end well, for both of you.''''


    I don''t know what to say. How to react to her words. My heart is throbbing against my chest. I am scared. We were supposed to be a secret, did we make it that obvious?


    Fuck.


    I walk away from her because I need to find him. I need to hold him, get some assurance from him. Lisa is not telling me everything. she must have said more to him to make him leave me like that.


    I need to find him and make sure he is okay.


    I am not letting go of him.


    Never again.

 Chapter 67 - Uncertainty.

    Lance.


    He parks his motorcycle in front of an art gallery.


    I release my arms from his waist as we both get down. I don''t know what we are doing here.


    I know he likes art. I mean, his house is covered in beautiful paintings.


    I shouldn''t be here; I should be with Ford. we need to talk about all that has happened. I am going to be upfront with him. Tell him that if he doesn''t open up to me, I don''t want to do this anymore.


    She said he was sick.


    I know there is something wrong with him and I won''t take all these secrets anymore.


    He can''t keep hiding these things from me.


    ''''Why are we here?'''' I ask him as he straps out helmets to the bike.


    ''''This is where I work?''''


    I nod.


    I guessed as much.


    ''''I am an artist.''''


    I look at Patrick and realise I don''t even know anything about him. whenever I am with him, all we talk about is me and all my problems. I am not in the right state of mind to be inquisitive with him but I would like to get to know him. He is a friend; I have to treat him like a friend.


    ''''I didn''t know that.''''


    He shrugs like it is no big deal ''''I guess you have a lot going on. So, I have a show tonight. You will get to see my work first-hand.''''


    I nod and he leads me into the building. The walls are white, the space is very large. There are no chairs in here but there are a lot of people. I mean, the place is packed. Now I know I am not dressed right for this. As we walk through the entrance, a man stops me to ask for my ticket. So, this place is by invitation.


    ''''He is with me,'''' Patrick informs him.


    The guy waves us over and Patrick places his hand on my back, in a way to lead me into the gallery. I look at the man in front of me and I can''t help but be jealous of him. he is young and he already has his shit together. I don''t know his story but I know he has made something of himself through all his hardship.


    ''''So, I am going to take you on a tour. You have to be honest with me. let me know what you think,'''' he winks.


    I nod as he leads me through the crowd, and we stop in front of a painting. I never understood art. I look at paintings by famous artists and I think there isn''t a big deal to them. I mean, they don''t make sense to me. Now, here I am in a fancy-ass showing and I can''t help but admire the painting in front of me.


    It is very simple. A painting of a man, this person is seated in front of a window, staring at the moonlight as it glistens in the night sky. The room is dark, there is a shadow beneath him.


    I don''t know how to interpret the drawing, but it resonates within me. more than I expected it to. I feel as lost as the boy in the picture. I feel heartbroken, sad and unsure of my future.


    ''''Wow,'''' I manage in complete awe.


    His names are written at the bottom. There is a red sticker on the description of the painting.


    ''''What do you think?'''' he asks with this nervous look on his face.


    ''''I don''t know how I feel about it¡­ I mean, it is fucking beautiful.''''


    He releases a sigh of relief. I look at the painting again ''''What does the red sticker mean?''''


    ''''It means someone has claimed it.''''


    ''''So, it''s been sold?''''


    He nods. I can''t even how much a painting like this would go for, but he must make a living out of his paintings.


    ''''You''re really talented.''''


    He blushes ''''I''m nothing special,'''' he shrugs.


    ''''The man of the hour is here,'''' A woman walks over to us with a wide smile on her face. she is dressed in a long black dress, that is open at the back. Her brown hair is loose around her shoulders. She looks to be in her late twenties. Certainly not our age group.


    ''''Hi Adina,'''' he hugs her once she is close enough to us.


    ''''You know, everyone is going crazy over your work, you are almost sold out. It was the best idea to add your stuff to the showing.''''


    ''''I can''t thank you enough. This is all you,'''' he replies, slowly turning to me ''''This is my friend¡­ Lance.''''


    Her eyes turn to me, almost like she didn''t even notice me standing there earlier ''''Nice to meet you, Lance¡­ you see anything you like?'''' she stretches her hand out and I take it in mine for a handshake.


    I laugh quietly ''''Everything looks great.''''


    Like I can afford all these fancy-ass paintings.


    ''''I want to introduce you to some people¡­ can I steal him away from you for a second?'''' she asks. Patrick looks at me, almost like he doesn''t want to leave me alone.


    I manage a reassuring smile ''''I will be back in a second,'''' he walks away from me and I watch them as they walk over to a group of people. I walk around the gallery and see three more of his paintings. I don''t think coming here was a good idea. I don''t feel better, if anything, I feel even worst. I grab my phone from my pocket and the battery is dead.


    Shit.


    Ford might have tried calling me. I don''t want him to think I am upset with him. that is far from it. I just needed to clear my head. think things through. Know what next to do.


    ''''Are you okay?'''' I turn around and he is beside me.


    ''''Yeah.''''


    He nods ''''Do you want to get some air?''''


    I shake my head ''''No, you should stay here and mingle. This is your event after all. I am sorry I am such a downer,'''' I am rambling.


    He grins ''''I don''t mind, there''s a rooftop here. Want to explore it with me?''''


    I smile because rooftops are kinda our thing. He leads me to a corner in the room and up the stairs. We get to the roof and the fresh air hits me, somehow soothing all my worries.


    ''''Don''t you feel better already,'''' he asks me as he leads me further into the large space on the roof.


    I nod as we get to the edge and I see the view of the night sky. There is a total of three stars in the sky. Almost like they are all in hiding. Patrick places his hands on the railing.


    ''''Today was the first time I ever showed my art,'''' he explains.


    I look at him and his eyes are closed, almost like he is enjoying the breeze a little too much ''''I''ve been working here for a year, as an art dealer. I don''t ever show my stuff, I look for talent.''''


    ''''It''s really hard for me you know. Things never really go as plan. I have had to work my butt off to even survive.''''


    I don''t know why he is telling me all this. maybe he wants me to trust him. I don''t know if I trust him, but he has been a good friend this past couple of weeks.


    ''''You are amazing,'''' I tell him because he honestly is.


    He turns to me and slowly a smile spreads to his face ''''You''re the only one that thinks so.''''


    ''''Every red sticker in there proves that.''''


    ''''I wish my parents saw that.''''


    He has issues, issues that I am sure he doesn''t want to talk about. I see it in his eyes. I wouldn''t pester him to.


    ''''Someone found out about me and Ford.''''


    There is a flicker in his eyes as I reveal that to him. almost like he is grateful for the change in topic.


    ''''Who?''''


    I sigh ''''His friend¡­ well she seems to think she is his girlfriend.''''


    ''''Ah¡­ I see.''''


    ''''She threatened me today. said he was only with me because of an episode,'''' I explain even though remembering hurts like hell.


    ''''Episode?'''' he furrows his brow.


    ''''Manic episode,'''' even saying it out loud makes me angry.


    The fact that she would use whatever is going on with him as a chance to tear us apart is disgusting. I don''t know what to believe because I don''t even know what is wrong with him.


    ''''You think there is something wrong with him¡­ like mentally?''''


    I shrug ''''Not my words. Apparently, she knows something that I don''t.''''


    ''''Have you talked to him about it?''''


    That is the one thing I haven''t done. Actually, tell him how I feel, all that has been happening.


    ''''You know that is the only way to know for sure.''''


    I know he is right.


    ''''I am scared.''''


    ''''Of what?''''


    ''''What if she is right, what if this is just a phase for him? what if he doesn''t feel the same way?''''


    ''''I have seen the way he looks at you. That man loves you.''''


    I am not so sure anymore.

 Chapter 68 - The Truth.

    Ford.


    Its been a couple of hours.


    I have been waiting for him in front of the apartment building, hopeful that he would arrive any moment.


    I tried calling him again, his number is off now.


    Fucking hell, I am panicking. Worried out of my mind that something has happened to him. that is how my head works. I think the fucking worst all the time.


    ''''You can''t keep sitting outside like this,'''' Jack walks over to me and sits down on the cold concrete ground next to me.


    I look at him ''''He is pissed,'''' it is not a question.


    It is an assumption.


    What other reason would he be acting out like this. he has never gone radio silent on me. I get that he is upset, I know how Lisa can be, but he should''ve talked to me first.


    ''''I don''t think he is. He didn''t seem pissed to me. He probably just needs some space.''''


    I sigh ''''Why won''t he just call me back and tell me that?''''


    He shrugs ''''It''s just been a couple of hours. He will come home soon enough.''''


    I nod ''''I''ll wait here until he does.''''


    I am not leaving. I need to see him, talk to him. Assure him that Lisa is a bitch and whatever she told him is a lie.


    ''''You should wait inside. It is getting pretty cold.''''


    ''''I am fine,'''' I assure him.


    Jack sighs loudly and stands up patting my shoulder lightly ''''Do you need anything?''''


    I shake my head as he walks back into the entrance. I look ahead as cars pass by the road. I just want to see him, hold him in my arms. I need him, can''t lose him when I just got him.


    I rest my head on my legs as I try to calm all the emotions that are taking over me. Try to contain the pain my heart feels. This is how it starts, and then before I know what happens, the demons resurface and take over.


    I hear a loud rev of an engine and this makes me look up. The first thing I notice as the motorcycle stops are his hands around the rider. I get up from the ground as I wait for him to get closer. Lance jumps off the bike and takes off the helmet. His eyes find mine at once. Regret filled and sad.


    I don''t think he was expecting me here.


    He looks guilty.


    Like he was caught doing something wrong.


    I am still dressed in my basketball uniform. I am so sure I stink from all the sweating on the court. Coach will have my head tomorrow for ditching, but I don''t care about that right now. All I care about is him, making sure he is okay. Making sure he doesn''t hate me.


    ''''Ford,'''' he moves closer to me, his eyes searching for a sign.


    ''''I am sorry,'''' I apologise. I don''t want to say or do the wrong things today. I just want him in my arms.


    ''''For what?'''' he furrows his brows.


    Patrick is at the back of him. almost hesitant to come closer, I look at him as he finally decides to walk up to us ''''Hey,'''' he greets me.


    ''''Can I just have a fucking minute with my boyfriend,'''' I attack him because I have to take out my anger on someone. I don''t understand why he keeps lingering. There is no way I will ever give him the chance.


    Lance is mine.


    ''''Fuck, sorry. I''ll see you later man,'''' he says and walks away from us.


    Lance raises a brow ''''What was that for?'''' he questions.


    ''''You said you had an assignment with Jack. Why are you with him?'''' I demand, at this point, I am deflecting.


    ''''So, you''re stalking me now?''''


    ''''I called you. Your number was off. You just left me with no fucking word. How is making sure my boyfriend is okay, stalking?''''


    ''''My battery died. Look I don''t even have the energy for this argument. Can we just talk about it tomorrow?'''' he brushes past me to the direction of the door.


    Shit.


    This is not how I planned it. I didn''t want a fight. I wanted to explain things to him. Patrick and his fucking motorcycle messed things up. I grab his arm to stop him from leaving me.


    ''''Wait,'''' I plead.


    He sighs but stops walking.


    I walk over to him, to face him. he looks at me, with concern in his eyes ''''Lisa said some things to you today. I know that is why you left.''''


    He opens his eyes wide from shock, I continue ''''What exactly did she say to you. We need to talk about it.''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''What are you keeping from me?''''


    A lot.


    ''''There are some things I haven''t told you. Things I have been scared to. I want to be honest with you.''''


    ''''What is stopping you?''''


    I let go of his arm and run my hands through my hair. This is not the best place to talk about this. ''''Can we go inside?'''' I plead. I don''t want him to shut me out right now, I need him more than ever.


    ''''Sure.''''


    We get to his apartment and he closes the door ''''You want to have a shower. You''re still in your gym clothes.''''


    I shake my head ''''I want to talk. I need to clear things up.''''


    He manages a smile and walks over to me. he grabs my hands in his and squeezes it assuring ''''We will talk. Have a shower. I will bring out clean clothes for you.''''


    I take a deep breath because I need to listen to him. I want things between us to be okay. I need them to be okay. He leads me to the bathroom and I hurriedly take off my clothes as he closes the door. The hot water soothes me as I think about what I plan to tell him today. do I tell him everything?


    Is Lance ready to know everything?


    He is the most supportive person in my life but at the end of the day, he is still human. He will still have the same reactions to the things I have kept hidden. The only thing I am sure about is that keeping all this from him is only going to make me lose him.


    After my shower, I wrap one of his towels around my waist and walk out of the bathroom. He is seated on the couch in the living room. His phone connected to an outlet socket.


    I walk over to the couch and sit down next to him ''''Are you sick?'''' he asks once I am seated.


    He is going straight to the point.


    ''''I am not sick.''''


    He looks away from me, my eyes swat to his hands. He is picking at his nails ''''Something is wrong with you¡­ what is it?''''


    ''''I didn''t want it to define us¡­ that is why I didn''t mention it.''''


    He shakes his head, glaring at me ''''I don''t need any fucking excuse anymore. Just tell me the truth.''''


    He is not giving me room to gather my thoughts.


    I have no choice.


    ''''I am bipolar.''''


    I breathe those words out. The truth I have tried to shelter him from. I didn''t want him to look at me and see someone that is broken. Someone that can''t do things without reacting. I didn''t want to be known as the guy that is out of their mind.


    The expression on his face is disheartening.


    Tears well up in his eyes from my honesty. I don''t know if he suddenly feels pity, regret or just sadness. I can''t read his mind at this moment. I don''t know what he is thinking. I stand up from the couch and get on my knees in front of him.


    I want him to look me in the eyes, I want to know how he feels about the most terrifying part of me.


    ''''I don''t know how it works; I don''t know what it is.'''' He cries suddenly wiping the tears from his face.


    I reach for him, slowly brushing my fingers on his face, to help clean the tears from his face. ''''Fuck, how didn''t I see it? I have been so selfish.'''' At this point, he is crying uncontrollably.


    He is blaming himself.


    This is not his fault. There is no way he could''ve known. I kept it from him; it is all my fault.


    ''''Stop, this is not your fault.''''


    He looks at me with wet eyes ''''You''ve been shouldering all this on your own and I have been thinking about my fucking self. I am so sorry.''''


    He reaches for me swiftly and wraps his arms around me for a hug. I don''t know who needs comforting more but the fact that he is in my arms is all I wanted. This is how I wanted to the night to end. Right now, we have a lot more to talk about but as long as I have him.


    I can overcome anything.

 Chapter 69 - Everythings Gonna Be Okay.

    Lance.


    Bipolar disorder.


    I don''t even know what that is. I have heard about it but it has never been a concern to me.


    I don''t fully know what it is.


    I know it has to do with mood swings.


    Suddenly everything makes sense to me. The hyped-up moods, the low ones. The days he stayed in bed. The times I tried to reach out to him and he wasn''t just there.


    Fucking hell.


    The medication.


    It all makes sense now.


    I cry in his arms for I don''t even know how long. Is he supposed to be comforting me? Its supposed to be the other way round but I feel so pain remorse. So much regret, I don''t know what to do. I don''t have the right things to say.


    I left him today, he waited in the cold for me.


    I am a fucking jerk.


    After a while, I pull away from him and he watches me. he doesn''t know what to say. I don''t either. This is something we need to talk about. I need to do more research on his disorder. I don''t even know anything about it.


    ''''Are you okay?'''' he asks me.


    I nod wiping the residue tears from my eyes. He sits down on the couch next to me and his leg brushes mine. I inhale and then exhale. I have to gather my thoughts. Fully understand what I need to say next.


    ''''Do you have any questions about it?'''' he reads my mind.


    I look at him ''''I don''t know what to ask,'''' I answer him honestly.


    He smiles faintly, his eyes shine. I never want to see the shine die. I want the grey of his eyes to illuminate whenever I look at him.


    ''''it''s a mental thing. Yeah, I am crazy.''''


    I grab his hand ''''You are not crazy.''''


    He scoffs ''''You don''t have to sugar coat it. I have accepted it a long time ago. There is no need.''''


    I shake my head '''' I am not sugar coating anything. You are not crazy,'''' he can''t think that way.


    He smiles ''''Okay.''''


    ''''Lisa said this is a phase. Our relationship is not real.''''


    He frowns ''''Do you believe her?''''


    I shrug '''' I don''t know what to believe anymore. Things are just a mess right now,'''' I tell him being completely honest with him.


    He hasn''t been honest with me, meanwhile, I have been nothing but transparent. If things were real with us, why did he feel like he couldn''t be honest with me?


    ''''Do you believe me when I say I love you?''''


    I remain quiet.


    He sighs and runs his hands through his hair ''''After everything we have been through, you actually think this is not real because of my illness?''''


    He is asking me questions that I don''t have the answers to. I don''t even understand his illness. I have no fucking clue. It never concerned me before, so I don''t know anything about it. Lisa said he is on a manic episode that it had happened before.


    ''''I love you lance. I have loved you since I met you.'''' He cries desperately for me to listen.


    I can hear him loud and clear, but I don''t know what to think. I don''t know how to feel about it. ''''This is why I didn''t want to tell you. You might act like this is not a bother to you. Like you want to be with me in spite of it all, but you are already doubting me. Doubting my love for you. You think I am crazy.'''' he shouts, already getting angry.


    ''''Calm down please,'''' I plead.


    He stands up from the couch putting on his clothes in a rush ''''I have to get out of here, I can''t believe I was this stupid. To actually think you would accept me.''''


    I don''t know what is happening.


    What is happening?


    I reach for him, but he pushes me away, he has never pushed me off him before. I can''t handle this. fuck.


    ''''Ford, please stop this,'''' I beg him even though he is fully dressed now.


    He stops his hurry movements and looks at me. his eyes are red, bloodshot. He is too angry. I don''t know how to handle angry Ford. I don''t even know what the hell I am doing.


    ''''You don''t have to worry about me, I will stay away.'''' He walks to the door.


    I rush to the door and grab him around his waist tightly. I can''t let him go right now. We need to settle this, talk about it amicably. I don''t know what he will do if he leaves me right now ''''I am not letting you go,'''' I say sternly with his back to me.


    I hear his breathing as he tries to control it. it is not working. ''''I love you, Ford, you have to understand that this is not easy for me to understand. Help me understand. Don''t fucking push me away.''''


    I hear his cries even without looking at his face. I want to take away all his pain. I want to be the comfort he can rely on. I want to be his everything, how can I be all that an more when he doesn''t even trust himself. He wouldn''t let go with me. He is afraid to be honest with me.


    ''''You''re just going to leave me eventually¡­ like everyone,'''' he breathes out in the silence of the apartment.


    Leave him?


    I will never leave him.


    ''''I love you, Ford. Do you even know what that means?''''


    ''''Everyone leaves in the end.''''


    It is like he is choosing to ignore my words. He doesn''t want to listen to me. He wants to believe what he wants and ignore me. I let go of him till I am in front of him and his tears mask his whole face. I have seen him break down too many times in such a short amount of time. I hate his tears; I hate his sadness.


    ''''I am here, I am trying to understand this. trying to understand you. Do not shut me out.''''


    I reach for his face and starts to wipe the tears with my sleeves. ''''Lisa wants to break us apart,'''' he announces even though I already knew that ''''She did this to get you to leave me.''''


    ''''I know,'''' I tell him after I am done cleaning his face.


    He grabs my wrist ''''I don''t want to lose you. You are all I have.''''


    I believe those words so deeply. From all that I know about Ford, he seems alone. He actually doesn''t have anyone in his life. his relationship with his father is non-existent. I haven''t seen any friends around him, the only person that lingers around him is Lisa and she doesn''t count because she has her selfish reasons.


    I don''t care if he is bipolar.


    I don''t care about anything.


    ''''I am never leaving you,'''' I declare him.


    ''''Even on my bad days?''''''


    I pull him closer until he is in my arms ''''Especially on your bad days.''''


    He sighs into my arms.


    ****************


    I put him to bed and walk out of the room once I am sure he is asleep. I need some fresh air. The house is too suffocating. I go up to the roof of the apartment and rest against the railing, looking at the sky.


    Checking my phone, I search bipolar disorder on google because I need to understand it. know how to handle him and everything else.


    I am not leaving him.


    Never.


    ''''We always meet here,'''' I look to the door and Patrick walks up to me with a smile on his face. I actually want to be alone right now, and I don''t think I can even talk to him about everything that happened.


    Sharing information about ford is not in my place.


    ''''Why are you still up?''''


    I look at the time on my phone, it is a little after three in the morning. I can''t sleep. There is too much going on in my head.


    ''''Can''t sleep,'''' I tell him honestly.


    He nods and stops beside me, still smiling ''''Is Ford okay?''''


    ''''Yeah, I am sorry about him,'''' I apologise on his behalf.


    He waves his hand in the air ''''Dude, its chill. I can understand why he would be pissed at me. somehow when I look at it, it seems like I want to steal you away from him. No wonder Jack hates me.''''


    I shake my head ''''Jack doesn''t hate you.''''


    He laughs ''''Oh you don''t have to convince me, I already know.''''


    ''''He is just very protective, and he is so pro Ford. So you don''t stand a chance with him.''''


    ''''Are you guys okay?''''


    I look out at the sky again because I don''t know how to answer that question. I don''t know if we are okay. I know how I feel about him and I am still a little unsure about his own feelings. I know I want to make sure we are okay.


    I want to be the comfort he needs.


    ''''We will be,'''' I answer him because I will make sure of it.

 Chapter 70 - Drink Alone With Me.

    Patrick.


    The sound of my alarm on my phone rings so loudly that I jump up from my bed in a hurry to shut it off. Looking at the time, I see it is five o''clock.


    Shit.


    Why did I even set it so early?


    I have only had about two hours of sleep.


    I sit up on the bed and rub my eyes in an attempt to wipe the sleep from it. oh, I remember now, I have a meeting with an artist for seven and it is an hour and a half drive to get to him.


    Last night was like a wake-up call. I need to remind myself that Lance has a boyfriend. I see him and somehow, I forget that he is taken. I try to impress him, in hopes that he will eventually feel the same way about me.


    I don''t even know how I feel about him. I like him, I like talking to him. Does that mean I am in love with him?


    I don''t even know.


    I saw the look on his face, the day I told him that I liked him. there was regret and maybe dread in his eyes. He didn''t want that revelation; he doesn''t see me in that light.


    He just wants me as a friend and that is what I have been trying to be with him. it is very hard for me, to act like I am okay with being just friends with him when I long for more.


    I walk into my bathroom and there are dark circles around my eyes. My hair seems to be growing longer¡ªI need to cut it. I finally got some sleep last night after seeing him. Whenever we meet up, we talk about him. I don''t mind talking about his relationship with Ford. I like to be of use to him and giving him advice is all I can do.


    The first day I saw him on the roof, I knew that he was someone I would like to be around. There is just this aura around him, it pulls me into his orbit and I never want to leave.


    I never even knew I was gay until him.


    There have been times my father would call me a faggot. So many times, he would say there was something not right with me. I just thought he was being his usual self but maybe he saw this before I even knew it.


    He must''ve.


    I have a quick shower and get dressed in less than thirty minutes. The sun is already out outside, which hides the fact that it is still so early. I am pretty sure Lance will still be asleep.


    I walk out the front door of my apartment and down the stairs. Everywhere is quiet, people seem to be asleep. Once in front of my bike that I parked last night, I grab my helmet from the seat and strap it on.


    ''''If it isn''t Mr steal your man.''''


    I look up and Jack has a smirk on his face. he is dressed in shorts and a sleeveless shirt with running shoes. His ginger hair is brushed neatly on his head. He is awake so early ''''I see you never get tired of your jokes.''''


    ''''Not a joke mister. I know what you did last night.''''


    I furrow my brows, smiling through our conversation. I am used to him and his accusations. He seems to think that I want to steal his best friend away from Ford and at this point, I don''t even know my intentions anymore.


    I will take his insults as a wake-up call. A warning to let me know my place. ''''Oh, please enlighten me on what I did.''''


    He laughs and fastens the phone pouch around his arm. There are Airpods in his ear.


    ''''Why do you always feel the need to be Lance''s knight in shining armour.''''


    ''''When did I do that?''''


    He nudges me gently, ''''Come on dude. You are always there to pick him up when he is miserable. You look for those moments to swoop in.''''


    ''''I am his friend. That is what friends do.''''


    He laughs. I mean the most irritating sound I have ever heard from him. there is this mocking tone¡ªI don''t like it.


    ''''You don''t want to be his friend. I see it, that fucking lust in your eyes when you watch him. you need to stop kidding yourself.''''


    ''''I am not gay,'''' I deny it immediately, even though I am not so sure anymore.


    ''''Dude, you are gay for Lance. I know that much.''''


    I sigh ''''I am late for something, I gotta go.


    I get on my motorcycle and turn the ignition on ''''Just stop with the act and leave my best friend alone,'''' he warns me before walking in the opposite direction.


    A  tiny part of me knows that he is right. I have to take a step back because the only person that is hurting is me.


    Lance is head over heels in love with Ford. He doesn''t even see me that way and I don''t even want to be a second choice. I want someone that will want me and me alone. That person is not Lance and I need to get that into my head.


    **********************


    After my meeting and another day at work, I think of where to go for dinner. Jack''s words have been stuck in my head all day. Totally ruined my whole mood. It''s not like I have the best mood. I am actually not the best person to be around most times, but I at least try.


    ''''You okay?'''' Adina asks me, probably the only one that noticed anything.


    I manage a faint smile ''''I am okay. Just a little tired. Didn''t get much sleep last night.''''


    She nods ''''Yesterday was intense. You fucking sold out,'''' she exclaims.


    The fact that my work sold out means I won''t have to worry about money for a while. I can take it easy with work for a while. That''s not why I didn''t sleep but I don''t tell her that.


    ''''You need to start working on new stuff while you''re still hot. Make a name for yourself in the market.''''


    ''''I know. I have some ideas. I won''t let you down.''''


    She places her hand on my shoulder with a warm smile that makes me feel better ''''I knew you were special the first day I saw you. Don''t ever think less of yourself.''''


    ''''Thanks, Deens,'''' I call her by the name I usually do.


    ''''You wanna spend the night with me and Michael?'''' she asks.


    Michael is her husband.


    ''''Nah, I want to go home and crash.''''


    She chuckles and walks away from me with one last pat on the back. I get my things and head to my bike. I haven''t seen Lance since last night. It has been agreed that I will try to give him some space. Maybe enough time to actually get over him.


    I park my bike in front of the apartment building. I decide to take a walk to a mini-mart close to the apartment for the sole purpose of getting alcohol. I need to get drunk, that is the only way I will pass out tonight and God knows I need to sleep properly.


    I grab a basket and start to fill it up with snacks and the pack of beer. I fill up the basket with things I need. Slowly looking up, in front of the fridge, I see Jack as he picks a bottle and quietly examines it.


    Fuck, I should just go the other way to avoid him. Seeing him twice in one day is too much punishment.


    I walk around to the other aisle and hurriedly go to the counter to pay for my stuff. This is what it has come to, avoid the motherfucker for as long as I can. The fact that he can see right through me is scary. I don''t like that he figured it out before I even knew.


    ''''I would think you were following me if I was Lance.''''


    I freeze because I got caught.


    Shit.


    I turn around and there is a wide smile on his face, almost like he is amused by my reaction. I hurriedly pay for my stuff because I don''t have the energy for Jack right now.


    ''''Come on man,'''' he says as I head for the door. He drops the packet of Doritos on the counter and follows me out ''''I was just messing around earlier.''''


    I stop walking in front of the store ''''I don''t care, look I have decided that you are right. I will stay away from Lance if that will make you feel better.''''


    He raises a brow ''''This isn''t about me. I was just trying to help you.''''


    I scoff at his ridiculousness ''''Help me by insulting me?''''


    ''''That wasn''t my intention. Look why don''t we start afresh. I see you plan to drink alone tonight. Let me join you¡­ as a truce?''''


    ''''No, I am fine alone.''''


    He sighs ''''Come on¡­ I promise to be nice.''''


    I don''t know how I feel about this. jack is not the best person for me now and the fact that he wants to drink with me could end up chaotic. I am not in the mood for chaos in my life.


    ''''Please, it''ll be an excuse not to go home right now,'''' he bats his lashes at me and I notice how long they are. He has beautiful eyes.


    Shit, what am I even thinking?


    ''''Sure.''''

 Chapter 71 - I Dont Want To Be Alone.

    Patrick.


    My alarm rings loudly for the second time in a row.


    ''''Fuck,'''' I jump up from my bed to shut it off. My phone falls from the table beside my bed in my attempt ''''Shit,'''' I grumble as I pull the covers off me to get the phone quiet.


    Once the alarm is off, I walk out of my bedroom and go straight to the bathroom. My reflection is even worse than yesterday.


    What the hell happened last night?


    After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I walk back to my room. There is someone on the other side of my bed. The covers are over their face so I can''t make out who it is. Slowly, I walk over to the bed in an attempt to see who it is. I remember being with jack last night. This has to be him right?


    The person turns around slowly, still deeply asleep and I get a view of his face.


    Fucking hell.


    Last night.


    I lead jack into my apartment, and he walks in quietly. I don''t know what kind of company he would be; this is someone that doesn''t even like me. don''t get me wrong, I don''t like him either.


    I don''t even think this is a good idea.


    ''''I didn''t tell you the last time I was here, your place is rad.'''' He comments.


    I raise a brow as I drop the bag of stuff on the counter ''''Rad?'''' I ask him unsure of what he means.


    He nods ''''I would think I was somewhere else If I didn''t live in this building. The interior is quite neat.''''


    I am taking this as a compliment but it is confusing because Jack has never complimented me since we met. I don''t even know how to act around him. what to say?


    ''''Thanks?''''


    He laughs and jumps on the couch in the middle of the living room. He picks up the remote control from the table and looks at me ''''Can I watch tv?'''' he asks nervously.


    ''''Make yourself at home,'''' I walk to the small door that leads to the kitchen. I grab to cups and the only bottle of Vodka I have from a cabinet. He did say we needed to get drunk.


    Walking back to him, I see him sprawled on the couch with his shoes on the carpet next to him, his feet up on the table. His eyes are glued to the tv as I grab the pack of beer from the bag on the dining table and drop all the things next to his feet.


    ''''We don''t need cups for beer,'''' he says not noticing the vodka.


    ''''I have a mix that I want you to try,'''' I tell him with a smile.


    ''''Uh¡­ okay.''''


    I place the cups next to each other and pour a sufficient quantity from the bottle into both glasses. Jack watches me with curiosity in his eyes. I don''t even understand why I am entertaining him¡ªespecially since the way he has treated me all this while. Maybe it is because I am lonely, and I don''t want to feel so alone tonight.


    ''''Hmm¡­ beer and vodka, I see.''''


    I fill up the rest of his glass with the beer and he grabs it. he places the cup In between his lips, and I watch him take a gulp of the mix.


    I hold my breath as I wait for him to tell me what he thinks, somehow, I want him to like it.


    I don''t know what this is.


    ''''Fucking weird but it works.'''' He smiles and I notice how white his teeth are with perfect proportions.


    I turn to the tv because I realise, I am staring at him ''''What are you watching?'''' I ask him.


    He shrugs ''''The first thing I saw on Netflix,'''' he answers taking another sip of his drink.


    I grab my glass and hold unto it unsure of what to do or say. This is the most awkward I have ever felt. I don''t even have anything to talk to him about. Unlike Lance, things are weird between us.


    ''''You don''t have to be so quiet,'''' he points out.


    ''''I don''t know what to say,'''' I tell him honestly.


    He laughs ''''This is awkward, right?''''


    I nod in agreement. ''''Very.''''


    ''''Do you want me to leave?''''


    I shake my head ''''No, I don''t actually want to be alone tonight. You can stay.'''' That is me baring out my soul in this moment of weakness.


    ''''Me neither, my dad is home tonight.''''


    There is more to that statement, but I don''t want to push him to tell me anything he doesn''t want to. We are not friends and I don''t think we ever will.


    ''''He is fucking high on god knows what,'''' he continues even though I don''t push. I don''t look at him, my eyes stay fixed to the tv as he tells me more ''''I actually prefer being alone. That man is the devil himself.''''


    When I look at Jack, I don''t see someone that has demons. He is always happy. There is always a smile on his face. he is the kind of person that is the life of the party. The fact that he chose to come and spend the night at my house even though he actually hates me, just shows how much he doesn''t want to be home.


    ''''I can''t wait to be old enough to live on my own.'''' He blurts out and this time I look at him because I want to see his face ''''You must think I am being irrational.''''


    I shake my head ''''Not at all.''''


    He grins and raises his glass up in the air ''''To dead beat dads.'''' I clink my glass with him and we gulp down our drinks at once. I pour more into our glasses.


    ''''You know you can actually leave the situation,'''' I tell him.


    ''''How do I do that?'''' he watches me almost like he is eager for my answer.


    ''''Just pack a bag and skip town. Never look back.''''


    ''''Is that what you did?''''


    Oh, now we are talking about me. Do I tell him the truth, or evade his question and talk about something else? Talking about my past hits a spot in my heart, that I am still unable to face.


    I don''t know if I can right now, even though I am getting tipsy.


    ''''Yes, that was the best decision I ever made in my life.''''


    He sighs ''''You know it''s not that easy, especially if you have people in your life that you never want to leave.''''


    I know he is talking about Lance. He doesn''t want to leave his best friend. I didn''t have a best friend like Lance. I had nobody at home, so leaving was easy for me. I didn''t even look back and I had no regrets.


    ''''Do you feel like you can endure it until you are old enough to leave?''''


    He shrugs ''''I don''t know man, some days its good when he is not home but other days, he suffocates me.''''


    ''''Do you have an escape?''''


    He furrows his brows ''''What do you mean?''''


    ''''My escape was art. I used to draw my emotions away. What is yours?'''' I ask him because now I am invested in this conversation.


    ''''I am not talented. Don''t have anything as you did. Lance is the only escape I have.''''


    Wow.


    I don''t tell him that putting all his hope on another person is not the best idea. He needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life. he needs to learn to be on his own.


    ''''You have to find an escape.''''


    He finishes the content in his cup, and I watch him, suddenly seeing him in another light. He is not the bad guy I played him out to be. There is good in him, the kind I can relate to.


    Who would''ve thought?


    ''''Are you gay?'''' he asks me unexpectedly.


    I don''t know how to answer that because I don''t even know if I am gay. His eyes shine in the room, a goofy smile on his face. oh, he is drunk now. I can feel the alcohol as it kicks into my system.


    ''''I don''t know if I am.''''


    He nods ''''But you like Lance¡­ right?''''


    There we go.


    The question he wants me to admit to. I like his best friend and he has been right all along.


    ''''I don''t know,'''' my answer is semi-honest. I can''t tell him because I don''t trust him. this is the same person that thinks I am out to steal someone''s man.


    ''''Lance will never love you back,'''' he declares like I don''t already know.


    ''''I know.''''


    He nods ''''You should give up on him,'''' his tone is firm. It fucking stings to hear this from him.


    I jolt up from the couch and he watches me ''''You should leave. I am done with this conversation.''''


    He smiles and stands up from the couch, dropping the cup on the table ''''Thanks for keeping me company,'''' he winks as he heads for the door, staggering on his way out.


    I follow him as he opens the door, his hand on the knob ''''We can forget this night happened,'''' he slurs his words with that same goofy smile on his face.


    ''''Okay,'''' I agree.


    I watch him as he tries to walk out of my apartment, swiftly he trips on his way out and I can''t help but grab him by his waist. He freezes in my arms as I watch him, confused and unsure of what to do next.


    ''''I don''t want to go,'''' he confesses.


    I don''t want to be alone.


    Slowly he leans forward, still in my arms and I feel his lips as they press against mine for a kiss. Completely and utterly shocked at the moment.


    Oh shit.

 Chapter 72 - Regrets Filled With Resentment

    Patrick.


    Shit.


    Shit, shit, shit.


    What the fuck have I done?


    How could I be so stupid?


    Now I am just staring at him like a fucking creep. Shit, how did I end up so fucked that I would fuck Jack?


    I go on my knees and I feel the pain in my back. I didn''t fuck him, he fucked me and i don''t even fucking remember.


    Shit.


    I get up from the bed and run out of the room. Looking around the living room, I see the mess we made last night. The alcohol, the pillows on the floor. The reminder that I have screwed things up badly. I run my hands through my hair because I don''t know what to do. I don''t know how to handle this.


    If I thought I didn''t have a chance with Lance, now I know for a fact that there is no way in hell he would want me after this.


    I have to wake him up, what will I tell him? how do I explain what we did. Shit shit shit.


    ''''We fucked up,'''' I turn around from his voice and there is a guilty expression plastered on his face.


    ''''You''re awake,'''' I walk over to him and he takes a step back. Almost like he doesn''t even want to be close to me. this is not my fault. This cannot be my fault.


    He has to remember what happened.


    ''''What did we do?'''' he asks confusion sprawled on his face.


    I shrug ''''Isn''t it obvious?''''


    He frowns ''''I knew I shouldn''t have come over last night.''''


    ''''You asked to come over, I didn''t fucking make you.'''' I remind him of how all this started in the first place.


    He is half-naked in just his boxers, his body lean and completely toned. Stop looking at him, Patrick.


    I carry my eyes away from him so as not to be caught ogling.


    ''''I have to go,'''' he runs back into my room. I follow him unsure of what to say next.


    He rummages around the room in search of his clothes but to no avail ''''Where are my fucking clothes,'''' he faces me with a glare.


    Why is he pissed at me? This is not my fault.


    ''''I don''t know,'''' I tell him because I honestly don''t know what we did last night.


    He sighs, running his hands through his lush hair. ''''This is insane. How did we get from watching Netflix to having fucking sex? I am not even fucking gay,'''' he shouts to no one in particular.


    ''''We had alcohol,'''' I contribute even though that doesn''t help.


    He glares at me ''''You are fucking enjoying this, aren''t you?''''


    I shake my head ''''This is not on me. I don''t even remember what we did,'''' I tell him.


    He scoffs ''''You expect me to believe that?''''


    I nod.


    He pushes past me and walks out of my room, grabbing his shoes from the floor near the couch. I follow him because I don''t even know what he wants to do now. He is still naked. He heads to the direction of the door, ''''Where are you going?'''' I ask him.


    He turns around to face me ''''I need to get out of here.''''


    ''''You are naked.''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''Thanks for the reminder. My house is just a couple of floors down. I will be fine,'''' he grumbles.


    ''''I can give you my clothes.''''


    ''''I don''t plan on coming back here to return anything. Thank you for the hospitality,'''' he walks out of the door and I watch him as stops in the hallway ''''This never fucking happened,'''' he warns me before storming away from me.


    I close my door with so much regret.


    Suddenly memories from last night spring up in my mind and they all come rushing down.


    LAST NIGHT.


    His tongue slides into mine and I feel the butterflies in my toes from the kiss. I have never been kissed with so much intensity. Jack pulls my neck closer to deepen the kiss and I welcome him completely engrossed in this magical moment.


    ''''Why does it feel like this?'''' he asks me in between kisses. He doesn''t completely pull away from me as he waits for an answer.


    I don''t have an answer to his question because I don''t even know what is happening. My head feels light, I am getting dizzy, but I want to revel at this moment. I want to continue feeling all this.


    I don''t want to be alone.


    Jack pushes me further into the room and closes the door with a loud bang. I shudder from the sound and he pulls away from me ''''You okay?'''' he asks, his eyes half-closed.


    ''''Do you want to stop,'''' he mutters dreamily.


    I shake my head incessantly as he pushes me to the couch and climbs on top of me ''''I don''t want to either,'''' he confesses, and I lose all control. I grab him by his waist as I kiss him again. This kiss filled with desperation and longing. He moans into my mouth and I feel him harden against me. I have lost all train of thought I don''t know what the fuck I am doing but I like it very much. I like kissing him.


    He reaches for my shirt and pulls it over my head leaving me shirtless. Reaching for his shirt, he grabs my hand to stop me ''''Wait, are we really doing this?'''' guess he is a talkative drunk.


    I shrug because it is still unsure to me.


    ''''I know how gay sex works. My best friend is gay.''''


    I rest my back on the couch and he continues ''''We need condoms and Lube. I should go get some from Lance. I know where his stash is,'''' he winks taking this a little too serious.


    ''''We are drunk,'''' I remind him.


    He chuckles ''''So?''''


    He has a point.


    He jumps off me and I watch him as he walks to the door. He brings out his wallet from his pocket and I watch him search for something. He pulls out a key and tosses the wallet to the couch ''''Lance is not home, perfect.'''' He starts to walk out of my apartment.


    I follow him ''''You don''t have to come, I will be back,'''' he winks as he stumbles down the stairs.


    I follow him until we get to Lance''s floor. He opens the door and falters into the apartment, switching on a light.


    I stay by the door as he enters a room. After a couple of minutes, he walks out of the door with a packet of condom on one hand and another packet on the other ''''Found it,'''' he grins so wide my heart jolts from that smile.


    He pulls me deeper into the room and throws me on the couch. Now we are making out in Lance''s apartment. This feels so wrong on so many levels, but my mind is in a fog. I don''t know what I am doing.


    He takes off his clothes and I watch him as he strips into his boxers, tossing his clothes to the floor. ''''We should go back to yours, Lance will kill me if he finds out about this,'''' he jumps off me and walks to the door.


    Everything is happening too fast, I feel like I am losing my mind ''''Your clothes,'''' I tell him.


    He laughs, pulling me with him ''''I''ll come back for them later.''''


    We go back up the stairs till we get to my apartment, him clutching the condom and the lube tightly. ''''Your room?'''' he suggests.


    I nod as he leads me into my bedroom, roughly pushing me on the bed. ''''We are doing this?'''' he questions.


    I nod with a smile as he takes off his boxers, revealing his junk to me. He is so big, way bigger than me. ''''Your turn,'''' he points to my pants.


    I reach for the button of my jeans and he climbs on the bed as he helps me get it off, doing the same for my boxers ''''Nice,'''' he compliments me as his eyes remain on me.


    ''''I will be gentle,'''' he smashes his lips to mine with that fair warning and a moan escapes from my lips.


    I don''t know what is happening but I like it so much. I like it a lot more than I should.


    My heart is beating against my chest as I come out of that memory. What the hell did we do?


    He was the instigator. He made all that happened, happen and now he is blaming me for it all because I am the most likely gay one among the two of us. nothing would have happened if he hadn''t kissed me.


    I walk over to the couch, picking up the throw pillows. Sliding my fingers through the corners, I find his wallet. The one he tossed during his excitement last night.


    I don''t plan on coming back to return anything.


    His words spring up to my mind, knowing I will have to go give this back to him.


    Shit.

 Chapter 73 - Intensity Mixed With Denial.

    Jack.


    Holy fuck.


    What have I done?


    Who the hell am I?


    I close the door to his apartment, completely frozen and confused. I had sex with Patrick.


    The guy I have been tormenting all this while.


    I remember the sex.


    I lied.


    I remember last night, and I can''t stop thinking about it. I run all the way to my apartment and sneak into my room, not in the mood to face my dad right now. Lance wasn''t around last night; he went back to his new home with Ford. That is why I was forced to be with Patrick.


    Whenever I have issues with my dad, for my own sanity, I like to be around people. Patrick was the only one around, he was my last resort and I guess I was vulnerable.


    That has to be the only explanation.


    I close my room door quietly and rest my back on it as I try to catch my breath. I am still in my underwear. I still can''t remember where I put my clothes. I need to fucking stop drinking. Nothing good ever comes from Drunk Jack.


    I hear my phone vibrate on my bed¡ªguess I left it here last night. I grab it hurriedly and Lance''s face pops up brightly.


    I blame this on Lance. if he was home and he never moved, I would''ve been with him. We would''ve spent the night playing video games. I wouldn''t have had sex with Patrick.


    ''''What do you want?'''' I blurt into the phone.


    ''''Good morning to you too.''''


    I roll my eyes ''''It is six in the morning, why are you calling me so early?'''' I grumble, still in my terrified/angry mood.


    Lance is my best friend. Maybe I should tell him about last night. He could tell me what to do. I feel really bad cause I blamed it all on Patrick and I was really mean to him.


    It wasn''t his fault.


    We were both drunk, I wasn''t that drunk. Okay, I was but I still knew what I was doing.


    ''''Ford has basketball practice this morning, so he had to leave at the crack of dawn. Will you come and pick me up?''''


    ''''Yeah, sure.''''


    ''''Cool, see you at seven.''''


    He ends the call and I throw my phone back on the bed. Running my hands through my hair as I release a sigh of frustration. My door opens abruptly catching me off guard. My dad walks into the room and raises a brow at me.


    ''''Where are your fucking clothes?'''' he questions examining me from head to toe.


    ''''This is how I sleep,'''' I tell him with a shrug.


    ''''You didn''t sleep here last night.''''


    ''''I was with Lance,'''' I lie.


    I don''t know if this is any concern of his. He is never here. If he isn''t in jail, he is passed out at bars. He doesn''t take care of me, he doesn''t do anything. the only reason I have been able to survive is thanks to Lance and his mom. They take care of me; they make sure I have groceries. They make sure I have money to survive and here he is acting like he suddenly cares where I was last night.


    ''''We''re out of beer,'''' he announces to me as if that has suddenly become my concern.


    ''''You''re out of beer,'''' I correct him.


    He glares at me, suddenly getting his anger back. He was so angry last night. He threw his usual tantrum of throwing empty bottles at me. I haven''t seen him in a while and the first thing he did was to yell and throw shit at me.


    ''''I''ll get some later.''''


    With that, he walks out of the room and I huff out a sigh of relief. I put on my work out clothes and grab my phone and Airpods¡ªwell Lance''s Airpods that I stole from the case.


    Early morning runs help me calm down.


    They help me start out my day with a refreshed mood.


    I run until my legs ache, I run away all the problems in my life, all the thoughts that could potentially ruin my day. I run until I can''t run anymore. After about forty-five minutes, I go to the convenience store by the apartment to get the beer for him. I know I shouldn''t be indulging him. I shouldn''t be buying him the one thing that makes me hate him, but ignoring his demands make things worse for me.


    ''''Hey, Fred,'''' I greet the regular cashier.


    Fred is an Indian American, who lives above the store. We have an acquaintance thing going. Whenever I come to get stuff, we end up talking.


    ''''I haven''t seen Lance in a while,'''' he waves me over.


    I run over to the fridge and grab a pack of the good stuff. The same ones that got me so drunk with Patrick. Fucking Patrick and his alluring demeanour.


    ''''He''s at his mom''s place,'''' I explain.


    He furrows his brows ''''They don''t live here anymore?''''


    I sigh ''''Long story man,'''' I reach for my wallet in my pocket but then I realise that these are not my pants from last night ''''Shit, I left my wallet upstairs.''''


    I lie, I don''t even know where it is. I don''t know where my clothes are. Shit, shit, shit.


    A memory suddenly hits me.


    From last night. Bringing out my wallet, going up to Lance''s apartment. Tossing the wallet on the couch.


    ''''Oh my god,'''' I shout grabbing the strands of my hair totally getting upset with myself.


    ''''You can pay later. I know you''re good for it,'''' Fred suggests.


    ''''I''ll get it to you on my way to school. I promise,'''' I assure him.


    He nods in understanding and I walk back to the apartment building, straight to my apartment. Dad is in his room; I can hear the tv blaring loudly. the only tv in the house is in his room because he is a selfish motherfucker. The man cares about nothing but himself. Half the time, he doesn''t even remember that he has a son.


    I go into the shower hurriedly because I am already late and here, I am talking myself into going back to Patrick''s apartment to get the wallet. I don''t even know where Lance''s house key is. I have the spare and now I have lost it.


    How irresponsible could I be?


    After my shower, I get dressed and go up to his floor, because I need my stuff. I have to look for the key at least. I raise my hand to knock on the door, but he opens it before I get the chance, he is already dressed for¡ªI am assuming, work. His eyes open wide, shock written all over his face.


    I said I wasn''t going to come back to him and here I am, a couple of hours later.


    ''''You left your wallet,'''' he admits at once without even waiting for me to say anything.


    He walks back in grabs it from the dining table ''''I didn''t know how to give it back to you,'''' his cheeks redden as he walks back to me.


    I reach for it and our hands brush against each other. I feel the tinge, the spark, the electricity that I shouldn''t feel but I choose to ignore it as I grab the wallet from him. I open it up and zip up the tiny pocket inside.


    The key is not where it usually is.


    ''''What''s wrong?'''' he asks.


    ''''Lance''s key. I went up there last night. I don''t know where the key is now.'''' I confess defeatedly.


    ''''You remember?''''


    Shit.


    ''''No, I mean, yeah. Just bits and pieces.''''


    I don''t want him to know that I remember all that we did. I don''t want him to know that I keep thinking about it. that I didn''t hate it as much as I should. I don''t want him to know any of that.


    He nods ''''Oh,'''' he looks around the living room and I walk in with him ''''We can try to see if it is somewhere around. If you want to?''''


    I manage a faint smile because this is a lot more awkward than last night. I don''t like this feeling. I don''t like everything that is happening. He shuffles through the couch. I don''t know if we will be successful because the key is so tiny, and I was supposed to attach it to my car key, but I procrastinated until I never did.


    ''''Not here,'''' he says standing up. ''''Should we check the bedroom?''''


    I close my eyes from just the mention of the bedroom. Memories of the things we did in there.


    ''''Don''t stop,'''' he pleads as I thrust into him deeper.


    Sweat trickles down my face and lands on his forehead as I steal another kiss in between plunges. My heart thuds vociferously in my chest as he claws my back with his nails.


    The intensity of all the emotions hit me and I moan out from the bliss of it all ''''You feel so good,'''' I confess in a whisper.


    He smiles as his eyes roll back from the pleasure. I thrust harder, wanting to feel more of him, wanting to feel everything.


    Fuck.


    I open my eyes, my breath heavy. He is watching me with confusion etched to his face.


    Holy shit, what is happening?


    ''''I gotta go,'''' I don''t wait for him as I run out of his apartment, completely ashamed of myself.

 Chapter 74 - Hurtful Words.

    Jack.


    The drive to Lance''s place is short. Shorter than I hoped it would be. I am slowly losing my mind.


    I don''t even know what is going on?


    Thinking about him, wishing for more of last night. This is a mental breakdown. Everything has finally caught up to me. that is the only logical explanation for this.


    I don''t even like him that way, I am not fucking attracted to him. His beautiful grey eyes that shine under any sort of light, his fair skin, the tattoos all over his arm. The scar under his eye, the one that looks like an arrow that defines his eyes.


    None of that is attractive to me.


    He is just some random guy that has a crush on my best friend. So why do I keep thinking about last night?


    ''''You are late,'''' Lance jumps into the car glaringly.


    How won''t I be late? After everything that happened, the kind of night I had. ''''What are you daydreaming about,'''' I look at my best friend and he is watching me suspiciously.


    ''''Nothing,'''' I start the car and our drive to school. ''''How are you guys holding up?'''' I ask him, trying to change the topic.


    He sighs loudly ''''Not so good. I have been walking on eggshells around him and he seems to have noticed.''''


    The moment Lance found out about Ford''s disorder. He told me, he asked me for advice, even though I don''t even have a clue. Things between them are rocky right now but isn''t that how all relationships are? I see the love between them, and I know bipolar disorder is the least of their worries.


    We get to school and Lance nudges me in the shoulder as we walk into the building ''''I am coming home with you today. Ford has a big game tomorrow, so practice is gonna run late.''''


    I nod as I try to act normal. Try to stop thinking about Patrick. Lance seems to suspect something. We are best friends, he is bound to read me, just the same way I can read him.


    ''''What is wrong?'''' he raises a brow as we walk to our lockers.


    We have the same class this morning, ''''Nothing,'''' I lie.


    He scoffs ''''You know you have to do better than that. something is wrong and its best you tell me before I find out.''''


    The only thing that is on my mind is Patrick. I made a mistake last night and I am going to have to live through it. I can''t tell Lance though; I can''t tell him because he is involved with the guy. At least they are friends, and I don''t know how he will feel about it.


    ''''Dad''s back home,'''' I decide to go with a lie.


    It is for the best.


    How do I tell him that I might be bisexual? That I had sex with a guy¡ªPatrick last night and I liked it?


    ''''Shit, I wasn''t there,'''' he realises.


    ''''Nah, it''s fine. He just came back home with a lot of anger and I had to deal with it.''''


    ''''I''ll stay home tonight. We will have a bro''s night. Watching movies and playing video games,'''' he slings his arm over my shoulder, and I smile because I actually wouldn''t mind a night with him.


    ''''Are you sure Ford will be okay alone?''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''He has to get used to the fact that I will choose you over him sometimes.''''


    I chuckle because he is being a drama queen as usual ''''Do you have another spare key?'''' I ask him.


    He raises a brow as we walk to our first-class ''''I lost the other one yesterday.''''


    ''''Oh, I think I can get mom''s own for you. I mean she doesn''t need it anyway.'''' He concludes and I smile, grateful to have him in my life.


    Things have never been easy but somehow the heavens sent Lance and his family to my life. They made life worth living.


    *****************


    After school ends, we get to my car ''''Let me just call Ford,'''' he explains.


    I watch him as he dials the number. After his conversation, he faces me with a smile ''''He''s just gonna come say goodbye.''''


    I roll my eyes because they are sickening. I never imagined Lance as the lovey-dovey type. He was never interested in love and he has suddenly become the type to want to give his boyfriend a goodbye kiss.


    Ford comes running over, in his basketball uniform. He waves to me but his eyes are focused on his boyfriend. Till now, the look he has on his face whenever he sees him baffles me.


    I can feel the love radiate from his eyes, it confuses the hell out of me because I have never felt that way about anyone and I don''t think anyone has felt that way about me.


    Ford looks around, the parking lot is full of students, he can''t touch him because they are a secret.


    ''''open the car,'''' Lance tells me.


    I press the unlock button and he grabs Ford and pulls him into the car. My windows are not tinted, so it is pretty obvious to see what is going on inside. I walk over to the window, in my own attempt to block them. Lance smiles at me, appreciatingly.


    I don''t want to be a creep, but I watch them as they embrace, with an innocent kiss. They are fucking adorable. I don''t think there is anyone that loves another the way they do each other.


    I watch them as they get down from the car ''''Text me when you get home?'''' Ford tells him.


    ''''Yeah, babe.''''


    With that, he walks back to the direction of his school and we get into the car for our journey home.


    ''''Do we have any food in the apartment?'''' he asks me.


    I shrug because I haven''t actually checked the fridge. The only thing I went there for were condoms. Fuck even remembering last night is cringy. How could I steal protection from my best friend and what if he finds out?


    I would be so embarrassed.


    ''''We should stop by the mart. Get stuff for dinner,'''' he suggests.


    I shrug again because I am stuck in my head again. Last night was a mistake. I wish it never happened.


    We get to the mini-mart in about thirty minutes and Lance jumps out of the car ''''I''ll be back,'''' he winks at me and I watch him walk into the convenience store. I turn the car off and get down from it, to get some fresh air.


    Through the glass of the store, I see Lance as he laughs at something Fred tells him.


    ''''Hey,'''' I freeze afraid to turn around.


    I know it is him instantly. I could recognise the sound of his voice with my eyes closed. What does he want from me?


    ''''Jack,'''' he calls my name forcing me to turn around and face him.


    He is dressed in a pair of ripped jeans, different from what he had on earlier. His hair is back to his buzz cut, almost like he cut it today. His shirt is plain and black and his sneakers are grey. His eyes bore into mine as he waits for me to acknowledge me.


    We are not suddenly close, we aren''t friends.


    Why does he feel the need to talk to me?


    ''''I found your key,'''' he waves the tiny key in the arm.


    I jump forward and grab his hand with the key, afraid that Lance will walk out and find out everything. This is a secret I plan to take to the grave. I will never tell anyone.


    ''''Dude, can you just stop,'''' I beg him desperately as I collect the key from him and let him go.


    He frowns ''''What have I done again?''''


    I slap my forehead dramatically. Conversing with Patrick is frustrating. I can''t keep this up. I need to create some sort of boundaries with him.


    ''''Is this some sort of punishment, for the way I have treated you?''''


    He furrows his brows ''''I don''t know what you are talking about. I just came to give you your key, the one we searched for earlier.''''


    ''''You keep bringing up last night. Did something change between us?''''


    ''''What do you mean?''''


    I sigh ''''We hate each other. You seem to have forgotten that crucial detail.''''


    He shakes his head ''''I don''t hate you; you hate me,'''' he reminds me.


    ''''Yes, I do. I hate that you are a fucking desperate bitch, and you can''t see that Lance is happy and doesn''t need you all over him.''''


    I know, I am taking things too far. Maybe if I hit him where it hurts, he will hate me too and leave me the fuck alone.


    ''''Wow, hint taken.''''


    He takes a step back at the same moment Lance decides to walk up to us ''''Patrick,'''' he calls him with a wide smile plastered on his face.


    This is a problem.

 Chapter 75 - Suspicions

    Lance


    Jack has been acting suspicious all day.


    I don''t know what the hell is going on with him¡ªokay maybe this has everything to do with his father. That man only causes harm to his life. I wish he didn''t have to go through all the pain that he causes but there is nothing I can do. I can only be there when he needs me. at the end of the day, he is his father and we have to accept that. You don''t choose your family.


    You are stuck with them, that''s why I have chosen my friends well. I shouldn''t feel stuck with friends again.


    Jack knows that he can count on me. I expected him to call me. he could''ve stayed with me yesterday.


    It kinda feels like there is something else bothering him, more than his father. He is used to his father; this is not the first time the man has shown up and caused a scene.


    I walk into the Minimart and Fred smiles warmly when he sees me ''''I asked about you earlier,'''' he informs me.


    I smile ''''Miss me huh?''''


    He rolls his eyes. Everyone is used to my playfulness. That is the only reason why people are able to tolerate me. Fred is an acquaintance. His father owns this convenience store, so he is always stuck working on days he doesn''t have classes. He goes to a community college.


    ''''But seriously, I heard you don''t live here anymore,''''


    I nod.


    He frowns ''''When did you guys move?''''


    I grab a basket from the corner and walk up to him ''''A while back.''''


    He smiles ''''Jack is all over the place. I think you need to talk to him.'''' he says so suddenly that I stop in my track and face him. why is he bringing Jack up? Does he know something that I don''t?


    ''''What do you mean?''''


    He shrugs ''''I don''t know. Don''t have any details but it seems like there is something going on with biker guy.''''


    Biker guy?


    What is he talking about?


    ''''Who?''''


    He sighs ''''The guy with the tattoos and scar above his eye. I have seen you with him a couple of times.''''


    Patrick?


    That''s not possible. Jack hates Patrick. He makes sure to remind me all the time. There is no way something is going on with them.


    ''''Why do you think there is something going on?''''


    He shrugs again ''''I don''t know, I just got a vibe from them the last time they were in here.''''


    I roll my eyes, choosing to not believe him. Fred is just fishing for information. There is no way something will happen between the two of them. Jack is the most honest person I know. If something did happen, he would''ve told me. I am so sure of that.


    I pick up a packet of ramen and sausages and a variety of drinks, filling up the basket. I pay for the stuff and thank Fred. Turning to the exit, I see Jack through the glass and¡­ Patrick?


    They seem to be discussing something serious. Jacks expression is cold. He seems to be using his angry voice. I know they don''t have a good relationship. I have been alone with the two of them before. It always ends with Jack insulting Patrick and then hurting his feelings. I walk out of the store with the bags of stuff and walk up to them hurriedly.


    ''''Patrick,'''' I call his name with a smile plastered on my face.


    He looks up and his eyes are red. He looks like he is either very pissed off or sad.


    What are they talking about?


    ''''I gotta go,'''' Patrick says immediately. Not even acknowledging me. this is the first time he has ever done anything like that.


    I stop in front of Jack and he is breathing heavily, the frown still on his face. Now I know something actually happened with them. Jack must have done something to hurt his feelings.


    ''''What did you say to him?'''' I ask him because I don''t want him bashing the guy. Patrick is a good friend; I care about him and I don''t want anyone to hurt him¡ªincluding my best friend.


    ''''I didn''t say anything,'''' he shrugs like I didn''t just witness the whole ordeal.


    ''''Why did he just leave like that?''''


    He shrugs again, this time walking to the direction of the apartment. I follow him because I need to get to the bottom of this. I need to know what is going on. I hate being out of the loop. This is jack we are talking about. I know him more than anyone else, so I know it is not nothing. Something actually happened between them.


    ''''You can''t lie to me, we have an honesty oath.''''


    He stops walking and raises a brow ''''I am not lying to you. I didn''t say anything to him that wasn''t true.''''


    Oh, so he is admitting to saying things to him.


    ''''What did you say?''''


    He sighs and then places his palm on his forehead exasperatedly ''''It is not your business.''''


    What?


    ''''Patrick is my business.''''


    He laughs ''''Do you suddenly have feelings for him, are you going to break up with Ford?''''


    I know what he is doing. He is trying to spin this, turn the tables to me so that we can forget what we are talking about. I am his best friend. I have been his best friend for too long not to see right through him. Jack of all people knows that I love no one but Ford. He knows how I feel about Patrick, so this is him just trying to switch things up on me to make us forget that we are talking about him.


    ''''And what if I am? You never know.'''' I reply to him nonchalantly waiting for his reaction to my statement.


    He opens his eyes wide and for a second, he actually believes m. I burst out in laughter and he rolls his eyes, walking away from me to the stairs. I follow him because I am not letting him change the topic. He needs to tell me what he said to Patrick, so I can find a way to apologize on his behalf.


    ''''You can''t keep being a jerk to him,'''' I walk beside him as we head up to the stairs. He stretches his hand out and collects one of the bags of groceries from me.


    ''''I am not a jerk to him. he needs to stop being everywhere.''''


    ''''He lives here. You are bound to bump into him.''''


    He scoffs ''''He always finds a way to bump into you. It looks too planned,'''' he continues and that baffles me.


    Patrick is not the kind of person to plan things like that. He is not vindictive. He told me the truth. I know how he feels about me. We have an honest relationship. He doesn''t want to steal me away.


    ''''You have to give the guy a break. He is not the bad guy you are making him out to be.''''


    He laughs ''''I didn''t say he was a bad guy.''''


    I roll my eyes as we reach our floor ''''You act like he is whenever he is around. You should apologize to him. whatever you said. It''s not nice that you keep hurting him with your hateful words.''''


    He sighs ''''I didn''t say anything to him.''''


    We stop in front of my apartment door; I reach into my pocket to bring out the key but he waves his in the air ''''Thought you lost it?''''


    ''''Found it,'''' he shrugs as he opens the door.


    We walk into the room and I see the mess. His clothes are scattered on the floor. The pillows on the couch are also on the floor.


    ''''What happened here?'''' I ask him.


    He runs over to his clothes and picks them up hurriedly. I don''t mind that he made a mess. This place is as much his as it is mine. I expect him to stay here when I am not around. I just want to know the story behind this mess.


    ''''Shit, I forgot about these,'''' he places them on the chair beside the couch and I roll my eyes.


    ''''You wanna tell me what happened yesterday?''''


    He shakes his head ''''Trust me, you don''t want to know.''''


    Jack has been acting weird and from that statement, I already know there is more to this story and he doesn''t seem to want to tell me about it. I will find out eventually, even if he chooses not to tell me.


    ''''We should invite Patrick for dinner.''''


    He opens his eyes wide; I smile. I am going to get back at him for keeping things from me. since he wants to have secrets, I will stick him with his most hated person right now.


    ''''No way man, I am not interested,'''' he shakes his head immediately.


    ''''Well I am,'''' I head to the direction of the door and he grabs my hands to stop me from going out.


    ''''Wait, I''ll do it. Use this as an opportunity to apologize for earlier.''''


    Hmm.


    So now he wants to do the honours.


    I know there is something definitely wrong now and it has to do with Patrick. I will find out. Maybe after this dinner.


    ''''Okay.''''

 Chapter 76 - Truce?

    Jack.


    Shit.


    Lance is being a major douchebag.


    Why is he suddenly interested in having dinner with Patrick? He is fishing for information. I know that much. So much for saying I won''t have any reason to see him again. I don''t want to give Lance a chance alone with Patrick for fear that my cover will be blown.


    I have no plans of ever telling Lance. this is not something I want to even discuss. I am not going to take this as something normal. I am not gay. I have never been attracted to guys. I was vulnerable last night; he saw me at my weakness and that''s what happened. I don''t think about him in that light. I don''t want to fuck him again.


    I pace back and forth the hallway because Lance will come looking for me. He is a very stubborn person and he always gets what he wants and what he wants is to find the underlying cause of our issues. I stop in front of Patrick''s front door and take steady breaths. I said hurtful words to him earlier, will he even accommodate me right now?


    If I don''t invite him, Lance will. I need to beg him not to say anything. I can''t have him messing everything up.


    I knock on the door and wait for him, practising what I will say in my head, thinking up scenarios. I know I have to apologise to him. that has to be the first thing I say when he opens the door. That is the only way he will even talk to me. I run my hands through my hair because this is frustrating to me. I don''t want to have to deal with this. I already have enough on my plate and now I have to add this.


    The door opens and he frowns when he realises it is me. he doesn''t say a word as he bangs the door on my face. I stand there, frozen in shock. Yes, I deserved that. I know I did.


    I knock the door again.


    He doesn''t answer.


    I bang it even louder after a couple of seconds. I am going to keep banging on his door until he opens the door. His face comes into view again and the frown has turned into an angry expression.


    ''''What the fuck do you want?'''' he yells so loud I take a step back from fear of getting hit.


    Raising my hands in the air, as my way of saying ''I come in peace.'' He sighs still frowning ''''Look, you were right. We have nothing to talk about. Last night was a mistake, so let''s leave it as that.''''


    I nod in agreement, glad that he is on the same page as me. yes, last night was a mistake and the sooner we start acting like it never happened, the better things will be for us. It should be wiped out of our memories.


    ''''I know. I am sorry for the way I spoke downstairs. You didn''t deserve that, I guess I just panicked.''''


    He scoffs.


    I furrow my brows because I am confused.


    ''''What''s funny?''''


    He shrugs ''''It seems more like you gay panicked.''''


    ''''What does that even mean?''''


    ''''It means you were scared that Lance will find out that you like sucking dick. You bat for the other team.''''


    That''s not why I panicked.


    I am not afraid to be gay.


    ''''That''s not true and besides, there was no dick sucking last night.''''


    He laughs again, suddenly finding amusement in this conversation. I wish he''d go back to being angry, instead of making fun of me.


    ''''So you actually remember?'''' he points out.


    Shit.


    ''''Your best friend is gay. What would happen if he finds out about last night?'''' he asks me.


    Lance would not have a problem with it. Lance is the only person that would accept me. He is the kind of friend that would help me hide a body rather than calling the cops on me. this is not even about Lance.


    All those years, my father has called me a faggot. Said I and Lance were suspicious, and we were probably fucking. He beat me up a couple of times to wipe the faggotry out of me. I didn''t even think I was gay. I was just close to a guy and he treated me like that.


    What would he do if he finds out that he was right all along?


    ''''This is not about Lance. I don''t have any problems being gay. Just mind your fucking business,'''' I shout frustratedly.


    He opens his eyes wide ''''Yeah, that''s what I did before you came here. I will go back to minding my business,'''' he tries to close the door, but I grab the door before he can succeed.


    ''''Wait,'''' I plead.


    He sighs ''''Can this conversation just end. Don''t worry. I will never mention what happened last night. You are free.''''


    I feel a weight being lifted off my chest at his words. I fully believe him when he says that. Patrick is a very honest person. He wouldn''t lie to me. he just wouldn''t.


    ''''Thank you,'''' I sing gratefully.


    He nods ''''So can we just go back to being enemies. You don''t have to worry about Lance anymore. I will give him space.''''


    I shake my head. lance will suspect if he starts avoiding him. this cannot be because of me¡ªespecially since Lance seems to fancy the guy.


    ''''You can''t give him space. You are his friend. He will suspect something.''''


    ''''What exactly do you want from me. I can''t catch a break with you. Whatever I do seems to be a problem.''''


    I sigh ''''Can we just go back to the way things were? You being Lance''s friend and nothing to me?''''


    ''''I don''t think I can.''''


    I furrow my brows ''''Why not?''''


    He shrugs ''''I might act as nothing happened between us but I can''t forget about it. I am not good at lying and pretending. I am sorry.''''


    He can''t forget it too.


    Shit.


    ''''So, you''re going to avoid Lance forever?''''


    He nods.


    ''''It''s for the best.''''


    I shake my head ''''I don''t think it is. This is all my fault. Shit, I ruined things between the two of you.''''


    ''''It''s not your fault, this was eventually going to happen. You were right all along. I have feelings for him, and it is eating me up. Watching him being happy. I can''t deal with it. So, I have to take a step back. Last night was just a wake-up call.''''


    ''''You said it doesn''t have anything to do with me. why bring up last night again?''''


    ''''I am sorry. Look we were both drunk last night. People do stupid things when they are drunk. We take it as a mistake. Just the way you wanted. You might not even be gay.''''


    You might not even be gay?


    That just sounds like there is a probability that I am gay. Having sex with a guy is not a mistake. This is all insane to me because I know that it only means one thing. I have always been fluid. I don''t put labels on things. I don''t care about the gender of a person, but I have never seen a guy before and thought ''Hey, you are fuckable.'' Now I look at Patrick and his buzz cut and the tattoos on his arms, and it looks sexy to me.


    I would fuck him again.


    Sober.


    Shit.


    ''''Can you start avoiding him tomorrow?'''' I ask him desperate to be out of here and away from him.


    He furrows his brows.


    ''''He sent me to invite you for dinner.''''


    He shakes his head immediately ''''Tell him I already ate or something. I can''t do this tonight.''''


    ''''He already suspects something happened between us. You need to show him that things are fine,'''' I grab his hands quickly and add ''''Please.''''


    His eyes dart to my hands on his own, which makes me retract them fast. My eyes stay fixed on him because I need him to do me this solid. I need him to help me deceive my best friend.


    ''''I will try to be quiet all through. I won''t say anything.''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''Won''t he be more suspicious if you are not yourself?''''


    He has a point.


    ''''Fine, I will be my usual self.''''


    ''''You forgot to add annoying.'''' He comments which makes me hit his shoulder playfully.


    ''''Does that mean you will show up?''''


    He nods with a defeated expression plastered on his face. for the first time since I met this guy, I actually feel like we can be friends. He has a forgiving spirit, and I can only get along with people like that because I am annoying as fuck¡ªlike he said.


    ''''Should I wait for you?''''


    He shakes his head ''''Nah, give me a couple of minutes. I gave some work calls to make.''''


    I nod and he goes back into his apartment. I walk back to Lance''s apartment and he looks up from what he is doing in the kitchen.


    ''''Well?''''


    I release a sigh of relief ''''He will be here in a couple of minutes.''''


    I just hope nothing happens because I cannot handle any more surprises.. I have had enough to last me a lifetime.

 Chapter 77 - Longing Thoughts

    Patrick.


    I don''t really want to go for this dinner. I don''t want to see Jack and act like last night didn''t happen. It is too fresh, too recent and I promised to forget it all. It is not easy for me. I don''t just go around having sex with random people. that might be the case for Jack¡ªI don''t know, it is not like we are friends or anything but it is not for me.


    Just seeing him brings back the memories from last night. I realise that I didn''t actually hate it. being intimate with him. yeah, we were drunk but I knew what I was doing and it seems like he did too; considering he remembers it all.


    We were both lonely and we used each other.


    I know it can''t happen again and that is why I need to avoid him. I need to avoid Lance too because I need to get over him. I am rooting for him and Ford. I actually want them to come out of this stronger. I want to look back on these times and know that true love actually exists. I want to believe in them for the rest of us. Yeah, I wish he wasn''t taken, then maybe I would''ve had a chance with him but he is, so I have to accept it and find a way to move on.


    The only reason I am going for this dinner is because of the look on his face. I don''t actually think he is scared to be known as gay. I feel like there is more to his story. A lot more than I know and if this will help him stay in the closet, where he wants to be, then this will be the last thing I do for him.


    After my work calls, I go to Lance''s apartment and knock on the door quietly. The door opens and Jack is smiling at me brightly. Suddenly, he is all sunshine and rainbows with me.


    Hmm.


    ''''Come on in,'''' he opens the door wider and I walk into the apartment. Memories from last night spring up. I look around the living room and his clothes are on a chair in the corner.


    ''''Patrick,'''' lance calls out my name from the kitchen. I take slow strides and stop in front of the kitchen counter.


    ''''Hi,'''' I greet him with a warm smile.


    He looks up from stirring the pot and there is a smile on his face ''''Help me with this,'''' he calls out to Jack, who just rolls his eyes but obliges.


    Lance walks over to me ''''You seemed pissed earlier. Jack said he apologised. Do you forgive him?''''


    I know what he is doing. He is giving me his puppy dog eyes to find out what happened between us. I made a promise to Jack and I plan on keeping it. the side-eye Jack is giving me is not even helping matters.


    ''''Just Jack being his usual self. It is fine now,'''' I assure him.


    He raises a brow; I see the disbelief in his eyes ''''Are you sure about that?'''' you can tell me if he said anything wrong. I will beat him back to his senses.''''


    I laugh because he is being dramatic. Lance doesn''t look like the kind of person that will win in a fight. He is too tiny to beat anyone, but I guess you can''t really judge a book by its cover.


    ''''There''s no need to beat anyone up. We are cool,'''' Jack shouts from the corner of the kitchen. I glance at his direction and he is putting the noodles into plates.


    Guess their idea of dinner is ramen.


    ''''Dinner is ready. Stop interrogating the guy. There is nothing to figure out,'''' Jack walks into the living room with the two of plates. He places them on the counter table and Lance walks over to get the last one.


    ''''So what did he say to you. You seemed pretty pissed earlier.''''


    I look at Jack and he gives me pleading eyes even though I had promised him earlier that I wasn''t going to say anything. I don''t plan on outing him. I don''t plan on being the one to tell his best friend something I think he should on his own.


    ''''Just had to handle work stuff,'''' I lie because this is not my truth to tell.


    Jack goes back into the kitchen and I watch him as he opens the fridge and grabs three bottles of coke. He places one in front of me ''''I don''t drink soda,'''' I inform him.


    He raises a brow in confusion ''''That''s a joke right?''''


    ''''No, can I actually just get a bottle of water?''''


    He rolls his eyes and walks back to the fridge, lance grabs my arm ''''So, you didn''t ask me how it went.''''


    I furrow my brows, he continues ''''Me and Ford,'''' he reminds me that the last conversation I had with him was about his boyfriend.


    ''''Yeah, I guess you guys made up?'''' it is a question even though from my observation, I can say I am right.


    ''''Yeah, things are actually great right now. It feels like we have no secrets. I like the space we are in.''''


    Jack walks back and drops a bottle of water next to my plate. I manage a smile at him, that he chooses to acknowledge as he ruffles to sit down on the chair that has his clothes. He tosses them to the floor and grabs his plate, digging into his food at once.


    I don''t know why I seem to be focused on him. Lance is holding onto me and all I can think about is Jack and the night we spent together. Lance is the one I have a crush on. He is the one I should be excited to be with¡ªnot jack the ass.


    Fucking hell.


    The rest of the dinner goes by swiftly as I try to be less awkward than I feel. Jack avoided my eyes all through the meal. I know he is trying to hide last night from being obvious, but it doesn''t seem to me like Lance has a clue. He is acting as normal as possible; he hasn''t noticed any weirdness between us.


    No one but jack and I is thinking about that night. That is why I need to avoid them all as much as I can. I don''t want to think about it. I don''t want to want him again.


    ''''I''m spending the night here today, can''t leave my old buddy here alone,'''' Lance informs me even though I didn''t even ask.


    ''''that''s nice of you.''''


    I look up to the kitchen and Jack is doing the dishes. Our eyes meet a couple of times but he tries to hide it. he is watching me, trying to listen in on my conversation. Making sure I don''t spill the beans.


    I stand up from the couch ''''I should go, it is pretty late and I''ve got to wake up early in the morning.''''


    Lance sighs ''''We''re playing video games, are you sure you don''t want to join us,''''


    ''''I can''t. thank you for having me.''''


    I don''t tell him that I would rather do anything than play video games. I don''t tell him that I don t play video games. I keep all that information to myself, I walk to the door with no intention of ever setting foot in this apartment again.


    This is me letting go of him.


    ************


    My alarm rings for the third time in a row. It is five o''clock again. I need to fucking remember to change the time on this phone. This whole waking up at five is messing up my sleep pattern.


    I get up from my bed unable to fall asleep and change into running clothes. I might as well get so exercise since I am up by this time. This doesn''t have anything to with the fact that I know Jack runs around this time. This has nothing to do with him. I am not expecting to run into him. I have no hopes or intentions.


    I just want to get the fresh air before I have to go to work.


    I go down the stairs till I am outside. Looking at the sky, it is already bright. The sun already out and beaming. I put my earphones in my ear and start my exercise, letting the past couple of days wash away with all the sweat that falls off.


    I keep running until my breath is heavy, I run a couple of miles and then back to the apartment building. Looking around, I search for him. I hope to bump into him.


    Who am I kidding? This is the sole reason I came out this morning. I wanted to see him. I wanted him to roll his eyes are me. make some snarky comment. Irritate the fuck out of me. I just wanted to be in his presence even though I don''t know what that even means.


    Why do I keep thinking about him?

 Chapter 78 - Dreams In Reality

    Lance.


    ''''Wake up baby,'''' I hear his voice, that mesmerizing voice that I have come to love.


    I know he is more important than sleep right now but I am exhausted. I stayed up till late last night with Jack. I need a couple more hours of sleep. ''''Baby,'''' he calls my name again.


    This must be a beautiful dream. Ford is at home, I left him last night. I must miss him so much that I am dreaming about him. I feel arms wrap around my waist, pulling me closer. Now my room is smelling like him. I take a sniff of the scent as I grab unto this beautiful dream. I hear him chuckling, God this dream feels so real.


    ''''Is this a dream,'''' I murmur still sleeping.


    He laughs again and this time it hits me that this is too real to be a dream. He is actually here right now. I spring my eyes open and his smiling face comes into play.


    ''''How are you here?'''' I ask him the first thing that comes to my mind.


    Slowly turning my head, I look around and yes I am still in my apartment. So that means he is here with me. ''''I missed you too much to stay away.''''


    I try to sit on the bed but he just pulls me closer, now my head is on his chest. This is my best pillow. When I lie down on Ford''s chest, it feels like all my worries are slowly evaporating.


    ''''I missed you too.''''


    He scoffs, I pull away to get a closer view of his face ''''You just made a noise. Do you not think I missed you?''''


    He sits up on the bed, my very small bed, which makes him struggle and then he rests on the headboard, pulling me closer ''''You totally abandoned me last night, my bed felt so cold.''''


    I roll my eyes because he is being dramatic. Right now I don''t even know if this rection is from the bipolar disorder. I am yet to figure out a lot of things about him and this disorder but I don''t want it to define this relationship. I am going to take everything he does as normal. No matter what he does. If he chooses to be extra happy, I will be extra happy with him, if he chooses to be depressed, I will be the comfort he needs, until he gets out of the funk. If he is angry, I will try to make him calm¡ªeven just by holding him in my arms.


    Now he is being dramatic. So I am going to be dramatic with him.


    ''''You interrupted my dreams.''''


    He raises a brow ''''what were you dreaming about?'''' he asks. The curiosity is evident on his face.


    I smile, I know I am lying but I just want to make him feel better. I want to give him the assurance that he is searching for.


    ''''Me and you.''''


    His cheeks redden, I shift away from him until I am on top of him, in between his legs. He wraps his arms around my waist, I lean forward until my face is inches away from his. His eyes never leave mine. Almost like they are searching for something that cannot be expressed with words.


    ''''What happened in this dream?''''


    I reach for the button of his uniform. Realising that he is dressed for school. today is his big game. The one he has been having sleepless nights over. I don''t actually think Ford is that interested in basketball. I don''t know why he is doing something he is not passionate about, but I think I have a clue.


    His father is the root of all his problems.


    I am sure of that much and I don''t think he has even figured that out.


    ''''I took off your clothes,'''' I whisper into his ears as I successfully get his shirt off him. his eyes watch me, and I notice the darkness in them. He is staring at me lustfully¡ªI mean when has he ever not wanted me. that is the one thing I have over him. I got him by driving him insane and now I am going to show him what he will miss out on if he ever decides to let me go.


    His hands clutch the hem of my shorts. I am shirtless, In only my boxers. He lets out a breath as I brush my fingers on his chest, goosebumps crawl to his skin from the chills of my touch. I reach for his buckle and he watches me as I struggle but succeed to get it off.


    ''''What else?'''' he asks me after I take off all his clothes, his voice shaking suddenly a lot into this.


    I look up at him, my eyes wavering to his dick. He takes a soft breath as I feel him harden against my touch already impatient for me. I squeeze him tighter and he bends his head backwards with a soft groan. A smile sprawls on my face, loving to tease him.


    I lean forward until my lips are just inches away from his dick. He looks back at me, patiently waiting for me to answer his question ''''Do you want me to tell you, or show you what happened next?''''


    He grabs my face and pushes me into his dick, unable to answer my question. I smile as he fills me up. Happy from the reaction. I love the fact that he can''t resist me. I like it when he gets rough. Fuck it drives me crazy. His hands clutch my hair, pulling me up and down to the speed he wants. I feel him in my throat as his dick gets harder. The salty taste of his pre-cum attacks me, drives me wild, craving more and more of him. Ford doesn''t stop controlling my movement until I feel him stiffen and swiftly releases into my mouth. I am so used to his taste, in fact, I have never loved anything more. I never saw my self as the type of person to enjoy oral sex, let alone derive satisfaction from swallowing but I guess when it is with the right person, you tend to love everything.


    I love every moment I have shared with him. the good and the bad. I love who he is and I wouldn''t change a thing.


    He pulls me closer to him, trying to catch his breath. I wrap my arms around him, happy that I gave him that satisfaction.


    ''''You drove all the way to see me today?''''


    He nods.


    ''''I fucking missed you.''''


    ''''Today is your big game. Are you excited?''''


    He shakes his head and caresses the strands of hair on my face. ''''Will you come and watch me play?''''


    This is the second time he has asked me. it is not that I don''t want to watch him play. Hell, I wish I could be his only cheerleader but I know the one person that will be cheering for him knows about us. Lisa warned me to stay away from him and even though I don''t plan on listening to her and giving her the satisfaction, I have to try and avoid her at all costs.


    Ford isn''t as worried as I thought he would be. the fact that she knows about this, means she has one over us. She is close to his father. She could end up leaking this secret we have tried our best to keep hidden.


    I am not ready for anything to mess things up. I have come to terms that we might have to stay hidden till we can escape from this life and I have accepted it. I don''t want anything to mess that up and Lisa is our biggest threat.


    ''''Lisa will be there,'''' I remind him.


    ''''I know, I plan to talk to her. I believe there is still some good left in her. She was once a close friend. I will plead to her good side to let me go.''''


    Ford sees the best in people, me not so much. I know the kind of person she is. She is manipulative and vindictive. She will do whatever it takes to separate us. She wants him to herself and I don''t think talking to her will make her back off. It is never easy with those kinds of people.


    ''''I don''t think it is a good idea to show up to this thing.''''


    He sighs ''''I need you there. I want to look at the crowd and see your face. you are the only thing that brings me joy. Help me be happy.''''


    My eyes shift away from him because the look he is giving me right now is making me waver. I cant be wavering right now, I already made my mind before he came here. I have to avoid Lisa at all costs.


    ''''Please Gamer boy.''''


    He calls me by the name he knows I cant fucking resist.


    ''''You can bring Jack along. please don''t leave me hanging.''''


    I sigh because there is no way I can refuse him.


    Shit.

 Chapter 79 - I Want To Get To Know You.

    Jack.


    ''''You know he was acting weird all through the dinner.''''


    I look up from the game and he shrugs. I don''t know what he wants me to say. He is not getting the truth from me.


    ''''I don''t know. He said he had a work thing¡­ maybe work stress.''''


    He shakes his head and drops the gamepad on the table. ''''Patrick seemed to want to leave. Can you just tell me what you said to him? help me understand why he seems more hurt than usual.''''


    Why does he care so much?


    He just met this guy and now he is acting like they have been best friends all their lives. So what if he is hurt. How is that any concern of his?


    ''''Why are you so bothered by him. you need to give him some space. It doesn''t look good when you are all worried about somebody that is not your boyfriend.''''


    He frowns ''''What are you saying?''''


    ''''It looks weird. You have a boyfriend, and you are acting as if the world revolves around Patrick. What exactly are your intentions?''''


    I know he is not interested in Patrick, but I just need him to understand that he needs to tone it down. he can''t keep holding unto the guy especially now that I have confirmed that he has feelings for him. Patrick needs to grasp the situation. The fact that he will never get Lance. Lance needs to stop being clingy towards him, leading him on.


    ''''You know he is just a friend.''''


    I nod ''''But he seems to think he has a chance with you.''''


    He raises a brow ''''Did he tell you that?''''


    I shake my head ''''Not in those exact words. The guy is crushing hard on you, and you being all overbearing is not helping him. showing him that you care and are interested in his life won''t make him stop.''''


    ''''So, you''re saying everyone I care about thinks I love them.''''


    I roll my eyes ''''Come on, your list is very short. You don''t actually care about anyone.''''


    He scoffs ''''You''re being mean. You know that. something is bugging you and you don''t want to talk to me about it.''''


    ''''I am fine. I told you before. You need to start learning to trust me.''''


    We go back to playing out game after my denial. Lance knows that something is wrong. He is my best friend. I would have been suspicious if he didn''t sense something. The moment I tell him about Patrick, it becomes real and I don''t want it to be real.


    I want to stay in this denial stage where I can ignore everything. Patrick is a great guy, but he is not even the kind of person I see myself with. I don''t want to get entangled with him.


    I just came out of a relationship with someone I thought was the one. I thought I had finally found someone, but things didn''t work with us.


    I just need to focus on school until I can get out of this town and that man. Avoiding him is the only thing I can do. Whenever he is home, I keep my distance.


    We go to bed around one A.M. sleep doesn''t come to me, I try so hard but no matter how hard I try, I just can''t sleep. Now Patrick is giving me insomnia. He is making me think about him. I don''t want thoughts of him to be stuck in my mind, but I can''t help myself. The look he kept giving me all evening. He had a smile on his face, even though I knew he was far from happy. I have been a major jerk to him, and he still came through for me even though I didn''t deserve him. I want to thank him, maybe with drinks on me to something but I remember he said he was going to give us some space to get over everything. I walk out of Lance''s mothers'' room that he turned into a spare for me and go to the couch in the living room.


    The only thing this living room reminds me of is him. now when I close my eyes, I remember him seated on this couch. I remember his arms around my waist as I kiss him.


    ''''Fuck,'''' I exclaim as I run my hands through my hair from the frustration of it all.


    It is just three in the morning. I want the time to pass quickly, because the slower it goes, the more I think of him. I want to stop thinking about him. I want the morning to come, so I can let go of all these thoughts in the quiet of the night.


    I lie down on the couch facing the roof. My eyes stay open for God knows how long; I never stop checking the clock. Maybe if I go for my morning run, I can clear my head. Jogging always helps me. it is the one stress reliever I can count on. In just a couple of minutes, I will be able to do that.


    I look at the clock on the wall, it is almost 5:30.


    I usually go by 5:30.


    The doorbell rings suddenly which makes me sit up in confusion. I don''t know what I am expecting but a part of me wishes it is him. maybe he left something here last night.


    I look around the living room, for a phone or maybe his wallet. I mean there is no way he would just stop by at the crack of dawn unless he forgot something important.


    The bell rings again, this time I get up from the couch and run to the door. I grab the doorknob my hand lingering on it longer than I should. with my free hand, I brush my hair with my fingers. I don''t know why I suddenly care about my appearance.


    I open the door and my hopes quickly wash away when I see the person on the other side of the door.


    ''''What are you doing here?''''


    Ford smiles brightly. He is dressed in his uniform. It is five in the freaking morning. Did he just decide to drive here in the crack of dawn?


    ''''I wanted to surprise him,'''' he announces like I will appreciate his efforts for Lance.


    I don''t want to say this because of his disorder but this guy is crazy. Okay, maybe he is crazy in love. I mean it has just been a couple of hours since he last saw the guy. Is he telling me that he couldn''t even last a couple of hours?


    Suddenly I hate love.


    ''''Is he sleeping?''''


    I roll my eyes ''''It is five in the morning, of course, he is sleeping.''''


    He enters the house and I close the door. Lance is a deep sleeper so there is no way he can hear this conversation even though we are not even trying to be quiet.


    ''''Well, enjoy yourself with your boyfriend. I am out for a run,'''' there is a lot of disappointment in my voice and attitude. I am going to deny this reaction the same way I have been denying everything with Patrick. The fact that I wished he was the one at the door, me wanting to see him, I will fucking deny it all till I die.


    I walk out of the house and go to my own apartment. In hopes that I don''t bump into my father.


    The living room is empty, but I can hear the tv in his room, the light seeping through the door. He probably passed out watching tv. I quietly walk into my room and change into my running clothes. I grab the Airpods and put them in my ears. I get out of the apartment hurriedly and down the stairs. The fresh air hits me at once and I already start to feel better.


    This is what I need, I need this to forget it all.


    Forget him.


    I run for an hour already feeling exhausted. I go back to the apartment building and Patrick is seated by the steps. His head is faced down on his knees with his arms over it. a part of me wants to escape this situation. Runaway and act like I didn''t see him. I mean he hasn''t seen me yet, so he will never know that I saw him.


    The stronger part of me that has been longing to see him wants me to sit down next to him. I want to thank him for earlier. I at least owe him that much. I listen to that part of my brain and the moment I sit down next to him, he looks up at me.


    His eyes open wide, almost like he wasn''t expecting it to be me. I manage a smile, the kind of smile that I would give to a puppy, or maybe a baby.


    ''''Hi,'''' I mutter still smiling.


    He inhales softly and I wait for him to respond. His eyes bore into mine and for the first time, I notice another scar on his neck. This one is not as obvious as the one on his eye. It is a dark purple.


    I feel like his external scars are small compared to the ones he has on the inside. For the first time since I met him, I want to get to know him.


    Shit.

 Chapter 80 - Friends?

    Patrick.


    I didn''t linger in front of the apartment building in hopes that he would see me. Or rather in hopes that I will bump into him. Yes, I know I was looking for him earlier, but I gave up. Everything just took a toll on me. all my worries keep eating up at me.


    Every single thing that I have had to go through.


    Flashback.


    ''''Do you think you will ever be loved?'''' my father''s words echo through my room. He says this all the time, there has never been a time where he didn''t feel the need to remind me that I am going to end up alone. There was never a time where he didn''t tell me how much of a mistake I am.


    I don''t need his reminder. I already know this; I already know how much of a loser I am. I will never find someone that will love me for me. I am meant to spend the rest of my life alone.


    I stand up from my bed and head to the direction of the door. Whenever he is like this, I always try to avoid him. that is the only way I have been able to survive for as long as I have.


    ''''Where do you think you are going?'''' he pulls me back by the collar of my shirt. I close my eyes as I try to control my temper. There is no point in answering him.


    ''''Let me go,'''' I warn him.


    His hands clutch my shirt tighter. I already know where this is going to go, he is going to hit me. prove to me that I deserve this. ''''You''ve suddenly grown enough balls to talk back at me.'''' he tosses me so hard that I hit the edge of the door. The pain is sharp, I know it will leave a bruise. I am used to the bruises, I am used to all the insults.


    ''''How dare you talk back at me?''''


    I remain quiet because there is no point saying anything. He will say all he needs to say and then leave. I watch him, with my back against the door. I don''t plan on doing or saying anything at this moment. Once he is tired, he will leave my room.


    ''''No words anymore? Suddenly lost your balls huh?''''


    I take a deep breath because it is taking a lot from me to ignore him. a lot more than I can handle right now.


    ''''You''re just a fucking coward,'''' he spits the words out.


    I feel it in my bones. The hatred etched in the undertone of his voice. This man really hates me, and I am his son. How can a father hate their child so much?


    ''''It takes one to know one,'''' I growl out all the anger and frustration within me. it is the hardest thing to be able to resist answering the man and today I will learn my lesson from it.


    He grabs the award I got in the fifth grade in art class. The one I have always been so proud of. It is made of glass, my name is written boldly on it. I know what is to come, I try to dodge it, but I am not fast enough. I feel the impact of the one thing I am proud of. I feel the pain, the pain he wants me to feel.


    ''''Hi,'''' his voice travels through my ears and gets me out of my thoughts. There is a smile on his face. this is the second time he is smiling at me. it is weird that just a smile is making me giddy.


    ''''Hi,'''' I reply.


    He scratches the back of his neck nervously beside me. he is covered in sweat from his run. His shirt sticks to his body and I can''t help but look at the hint of his abs. leaving the rest for my imagination.


    ''''About earlier, I wanted to thank you. For you know, keeping things a secret from Lance.''''


    ''''I told you it was okay. It is not my secret to tell.''''


    He grins ''''I know I said we should be strangers, we are supposed to hate each other and everything but you''re cool people. I want us to be friends.''''


    I raise a brow.


    Friendzone.


    As usual.


    That is just his way of saying he doesn''t actually hate me but he doesn''t want anything more from me. I am used to this, the fact that people like hanging around me but no one actually wants more from me. this is not my first rodeo.


    I am not saying I all of a sudden want to be with him, but it would be nice to feel wanted for once in my fucking life.


    ''''We don''t have to be friends,'''' I brush it off because I am all out of making friends.


    He chuckles nervously ''''Why not?''''


    I shrug ''''This is obviously you feeling guilty about the way you treated me. I don''t need your pity.''''


    He waves his hands in the air immediately ''''No, this is not about that. I actually would like to be friends. No jokes.''''


    I raise a brow. He watches me curiously like he is waiting for my answer. I don''t want to be his friend. I don''t even know what I want but it is definitely not friendship.


    ''''We don''t have to do this.''''


    He sighs ''''I know, this is not a have to situation. This is a let''s call a truce and stop thinking about the past.''''


    A truce?


    He is basically saying we should forget about everything that happened in the past. I don''t want to forget about the past. I have tried to forget that night. God knows I have tried but every time I close my eyes, I see him from that night. I see that expression on his face that I probably won''t ever see again. I see the way he held me, kissed me and I don''t want to forget about it. he might want to act like it never happened because he is ashamed but I can''t act like it didn''t happen, especially when I wish it could happen again.


    ''''We already have a truce.''''


    He laughs and I watch him run his hands through his hair, his hair looks darker this morning from its usual bright ginger. Maybe it is from all the sweating. Suddenly I imagine him in the shower, how will he look wet?


    Fuck.


    ''''Yeah, we kinda do but that is not what I mean. I can help you; you know.''''


    I furrow my brows in confusion ''''Help you get over Lance. We could go out. Try to pick up girls'''' he pauses ''''Or guys, whichever suits you. I will get you to find someone that feels the same way about you.'''' He adds.


    I don''t tell him that I feel like I am slowly getting over Lance because I can''t tell him that he is the only one on my mind. I keep that information to myself because he might think his words are making things better, but they aren''t. he is basically telling me he doesn''t want me either.


    ''''No thanks, man.''''


    He grabs my arm and pulls me closer ''''Come on Trick, this will be fun. I feel like we could really get closer,'''' he tells me with his hand still lingering around my arm.


    ''''Trick?''''


    He nods with a proud smile ''''don''t you like it?''''


    I shake my head ''''What does it even mean?''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''I got it from your name, you know Patrick¡ªtrick?''''


    ''''It sounds stupid.''''


    He laughs and then let''s go of my arm, nudging me in the process. ''''It is exemplary. I don''t know what you''re talking about.''''


    Slowly a smile spread to my face suddenly, I like the fact that he has already given me a nickname. Somehow it makes me feel special, even though I know it probably means nothing to him.


    ''''Just give this a chance. Maybe that night was a way to show us that we can be cool together.''''


    Together as friends¡ªI remind myself.


    ''''Fine,'''' I finally agree in defeat.


    He wants to be friends. I will be friends with him. at this point it feels like I am just leaving to please the people around me. maybe eventually I will live for myself alone.


    He stretches his hand out and I watch him in confusion.


    ''''Let''s shake on it. Make this official,'''' he explains like this is some sort of business deal. I reach for his hand even though I know this is not such a good idea. We can''t just be friends, especially after what happened between us but if he wants to play dumb and see if this will work out then I will play dumb with him.


    Our hands'' touch and I feel the spark immediately. It is quick and without any warning. Our hands stay lingered no one wanting to let go. He is watching me, the smile still on his face. I hope he can''t hear the pounding on my chest. My heart feels like it is in a frenzy. This is just a handshake, but it feels like more to me.


    It feels like everything.

 Chapter 81 - The Confession

    Lance.


    I agreed to go for his game but suddenly sitting on a bench in his school gym surrounding by people who are all staring at my man and the other players all seem like a bad idea.


    I don''t know why I agreed to this. I see Ford all the time. What is the point in doing this, especially after what happened the last time I was here? Jack is with me, acting weird as shit. Ever since the dinner with Patrick he has been acting weirder than he usually is. I know there is something going on with him and Patrick. I don''t know what is could be and I also don''t know how I feel about it. all I am doing is waiting for him to be honest with me. Eventually, he will talk to me about it and I will be there for him like he usually is with me.


    Now all I can focus on is Ford. Ford in his element. I don''t know how he feels about the sport. I don''t know if it something he has a passion for. looking at him now, in the court, I see him enjoying the game. He is doing this and there is love for it. he might''ve been forced into the game because his father wanted him to do a sport, but he actually likes it. I can tell that much and if he wasn''t so stuck on all that is his father, he would notice too.


    ''''Yo, the crazy chick is here,'''' Jack nudges me, pointing to the court.


    Lisa is with a group of cheerleaders. They are all perky, happily cheering for the players. I want to be the only one that should cheer for Ford. I hate that she is the one closest to him right now. That is why I didn''t want to come today. I didn''t want to have to watch him in his real life. the one that doesn''t involve me. the life that he lives his life. I didn''t want to be on the sidelines. The only one that knows our secret.


    I didn''t want the bubble that I am in to be punctured by all of this. Being here, in his school, watching him, knowing I can be nothing but his stepbrother is painfully aching.


    ''''We should just ignore her,'''' I tell him.


    Jack hates Lisa. I guess he hates anyone that is a threat to my relationship with Ford. He is the only one that is still rooting for us. he is the only one I trust with our relationship.


    ''''She is such a bitch, who does she think she is.''''


    The cheers of the crowd are loud. I can barely hear him ''''We should stop talking about this. Remember what happened the last time we were here?'''' I remind him.


    I can''t have someone else overhearing us.


    He nods ''''We can talk about something else though. I have a question,'''' he mutters.


    I look away from the crowd and at him ''''Shoot,'''' I urge him curious as to what he wants to ask.


    He scratches the back of his neck nervously. ''''How will you feel about me hanging out with Patrick?''''


    I raise a brow in confusion. I don''t even think I heard him well. ''''With who?'''' I shout into his ear. He rolls his eyes, sensing the sarcasm in my question. There is no way he just said, Patrick. There is no way he wants to hang out with the guy he has hated all this while.


    Right?


    ''''Patrick. Your friend.'''' he reminds me like somehow there is another Patrick that we know.


    ''''Why?'''' I ask and you can''t fault me from asking. This request doesn''t make sense.


    ''''I don''t know, he is fun to be with. I''m going to be his wingman.'''' he shrugs like it is not a big deal. At this point, all my attention is away from the game. I didn''t even want to come in the first place. I can never understand sports. The only reason why I am here is because of Ford. I will do anything for him and he wanted me to be here.


    Back to Jack. He wants to be who''s wingman?


    ''''What the fuck are you talking about?'''' I ask him confused as fuck.


    ''''We''re both single. You abandoned me the minute you got together with Ford. So I need a new single buddy.''''


    It sounds to me like he wants to date the guy. That is why this doesn''t make any sense. Jack has never been the kind to need a wingman. he has always been able to get girls. His looks said it all for him, besides, it is not like I was always there for him at parties. I was never his wingman, so now all that he is saying makes absolutely no sense.


    ''''What is going on?'''' I ask him.


    He shrugs again.


    I poke his chest; I need to get to the bottom of this. he said he wasn''t going to keep secrets from me. ''''Tell me what the hell happened between you two.''''


    He sighs ''''Nothing happened between us.''''


    I scoff ''''You know I can tell when you are lying.''''


    He nods.


    ''''So why are you lying to me right now?''''


    He shakes his head ''''Nothing happened between us. He was there for me the night my dad came home.''''


    I frown ''''What do you mean?''''


    He runs his hands through his hair with his fingers, like this is hard for him to say. Jack never finds difficulty in talking to me. everything is easy with us. that is why we are Jack and Lance. We have been ever since we were kids. So why is he finding difficulty in talking to me now?


    ''''You know you are being shady. What is the point of keeping this from me when I will eventually find out?''''


    ''''Nothing happened okay. We watched movies and drank beer, are you happy?'''' he stands up from the bench and walks down the steps to the back door. Now I know he is not being sincere. I should be a good friend and chase after him but how will Ford feel when he looks to the crowd and I am not there?


    I take deep breaths as I try to think of what to do in this situation. Jack is always there for me. He is my best friend. he wouldn''t just let me walk off upset. He will chase after me and that Is what I need to do.


    I jump off from the bench with one last look at my boyfriend. He is about to score. I can already feel it as he runs to the net. I should be watching him, cheering like a real boyfriend but I chase after Jack. I get out of the building and see him immediately. His back is pressed to a wall and his hands are covering his face.


    ''''Yo, dude,'''' I call him out.


    His hands fall to his sides and for the first time this night, I see the fear in them. What the hell is going on with him?


    ''''What is wrong? You know I will never judge you, so why don''t you want to talk to me?''''


    He lets out a breath ''''He was right all along?''''


    I furrow my brows as I walk closer to him ''''Who?'''' I don''t even know what he is talking about. He needs to tell me what is eating him up before I can help him. I don''t even know If I can help him right now. I want to help him but if he doesn''t talk to me, how do I know what he needs help with?


    ''''Dad,'''' he breathes out.


    Okay, this has to do with his dad.


    Not Patrick.


    ''''What did he say that makes him right?'''' I inquire.


    He sighs, and a tear falls from his eye to his cheek. Jack rarely cries. He always has his shit together. Why is he crying now?


    ''''Hey, talk to me J?'''' I plead with him.


    He wipes the tear off his face immediately, getting rid of the evidence. He hates to show weakness. He likes to be the strongest he can. He believes that is the only way he can survive it all.


    ''''We had sex,'''' he says finally.


    I let out a soft gasp of shock. Now we are back to talking about Patrick. I don''t know how to respond to his confession without showing the surprise. Jack has never been interested in any one of the same sex. How is it possible that he had sex with another guy? I know Patrick is charming, he is the type of guy that makes it easy to fall in love with him. if I wasn''t with Ford, if my heart didn''t already belong to someone else, I might have given it to him. that is just the kind of person Patrick is but Jack never swung that way.


    How did he end up having sex with him?


    Holy shit.

 Chapter 82 - Honesty Never Hurts.

    Jack.


    I don''t know why I am telling him all this.


    Maybe I just need to get it off my chest. It has been eating me up. The way I treated Patrick after. I am not the type of person that turns into a monster when they are in denial.


    Right now it feels like I am in denial.


    Patrick was right, I have gay panic.


    Not because I hate the fact that I could be gay but because of my father. The one person I wish was proud of me. He looks at me and sees a disappointment. A mistake in his life that he wishes he could erase.


    ''''How did that happen?'''' Lance asks quietly. I can see the shock written on his face. I can''t tell if he is upset. I could''ve fucked anyone else but the one guy that had a crush on my best friend. As usual, it is that one person that I shouldn''t that I did.


    ''''We were drunk,'''' I tell him the truth.


    I always end up telling Lance the truth. The fact that we have been friends for so long just makes me trust him with my whole heart.


    ''''Is that why things are weird between you two?''''


    I nod.


    He sighs.


    ''''How do you feel about him?''''


    I run my hands through my hair. This doesn''t have anything to do with Patrick. I don''t suddenly love him. there is no sudden feeling involved. It could have been anyone. I could''ve gone to a club and picked up a random person. The fact that Patrick was there, just makes him unfortunate. I meant what I said, I just want to be friends with him. he is a great guy and I don''t plan on being the monster that ruins him. I see Patrick and I want him to find someone that will make him happy, someone that is available and in the right frame of mind. I am not that person for him. I don''t even know if I am fully gay.


    Shit, I don''t even know what that means.


    ''''I don''t know, I guess he is not as bad as I thought he was.''''


    He nods in understanding, almost like an ''I told you so'' moment. I knew that Patrick was a good guy, I just also knew that he wanted Lance. I could see it in his eyes, every time he was around. That look upset me, I hated the fact that he didn''t seem to care that he was in a relationship. I hate people that try to take what is not theirs and that Is why I was so mean to him even though he didn''t deserve it.


    ''''What are you going to do about all this?''''


    He is asking me a question that I don''t know the answer to. What am I going to do with the fact that I might be gay?


    ''''I don''t want to be gay,'''' I say deadpan.


    He nods. Lance knows. Lance has witnessed my fathers outburst before. He knows how the man feels about gay people. he understands why I don''t want this so badly.


    ''''You know your father is just a fucking bigot? Nothing you do will ever be good enough for the man.''''


    He is right.


    I remain quiet.


    ''''Why do you give a shit?'''' he questions.


    I don''t know why I even care so much. The man is never around, he doesn''t have any influence on my life. So I keep asking myself why this should matter to me so much. Why I don''t want to add another disappointment to his list.


    ''''I don''t know.''''


    Lance places his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. I feel a little better letting all this out. I don''t know how people keep things inside. I felt like I was going to explode but talking to Lance about it is a relief.


    ''''How does Patrick feel about it?''''


    I shrug because I have been unable to get into his head. we agreed to be friends the last time I saw him. he didn''t seem so pissed at me anymore. I mean, it is not like the guy is suddenly in love with me. There is no harm in being friends.


    ''''He is still in love with you,'''' I point out which gets an eye roll from my best friend.


    I know he never actually said those words, but I also know that the guy has the hots for my best friend.


    ''''That''s not the point. Are you guys cool? Will you keep being a bitch to him? what was the agreement after the whole sex thing.''''


    ''''We promised to never speak of it¡­ oh and we''re trying the whole being friends thing.''''


    He nods ''''So, that''s why you asked if you guys could hang out?''''


    ''''Yeah,''''


    He smiles ''''I don''t have a problem with it. You can steal him from me. fuck, how amazing would it be if you guys became a couple? We could go on double dates.'''' He grabs my arm and starts to jump from the excitement of whatever is going on in his head.


    ''''There is no coupling up here. I am not going to be anything but a friend to him.''''


    He chuckles and then winks ''''that is what you think, just you wait until you guys finally fall in love,'''' his eyes shine. I mean, Lance is a dreamer. He thinks the world is happy and he will always get his way. He doesn''t see life the same way that I do and I don''t blame him, it is good to be in a bubble. One where things work out for you. That is not what is happening with me. my bubble is dark and dingy. There are only problems in my bubble and until I can escape from this bubble, I plan on doing things the way I always have. Patrick suggested skipping town. I don''t even know how I will do that successfully. I would probably end up homeless or something.


    I just need to get my shit together before I can take that step.


    ''''Can I ask him about it?''''Lance asks.


    I shrug ''''He doesn''t have any problems with it. I was the one that begged him to keep it a secret.''''


    ''''Wow, you are the worst best friend ever. How could you keep something so juicy from me?'''' he lets go of my arms and folds his over his chest. Now he is being dramatic. I know he is not upset. The fact that I told him in the first place, makes up for it.


    ''''I''m sorry. I guess I was scared that you would be pissed that it is him.''''


    He rolls his eyes ''''I don''t care that it is. Patrick is a good friend and now my best friend and my good friend could be a potential couple.''''


    I glare at him ''''We are not a couple. Never will be.''''


    He sighs ''''I have a lot of question. How did it feel? Who was top, who was bottom? Did you use protection?'''' he rambles like I would be able to answer all his questions at once.


    I acted like I didn''t even remember the night, now Lance wants me to talk about it so casually.


    ''''I can''t disclose anything.''''


    He frowns ''''You cared about my sex life with Ford, so what makes you think you can just keep this to yourself?''''


    I shrug.


    ''''We should go back inside,'''' I remind him. he came here to watch his boyfriend play a sport he knows nothing about, so that is what we should be doing.


    ''''Shit, how long have we been out here???''


    ''''Long enough to know that the game is over,'''' we both turn around at the same time and see Ford with a frown on his face. he looks very upset. I mean can I blame him? Lance totally ditched him to be out here with me. granted, I am grateful that he did cause I needed him but will Ford understand.


    ''''Babe,'''' my best friend runs over to him and wraps his arms around him, completely ignoring the fact that he is covered in sweat.


    ''''I can explain, oh wait I can''t. I am sorry. Please forgive me,'''' he cries dramatically. I already know that Ford will forgive him. there is no doubt in my mind.


    ''''Do you guys need me here?'''' I ask already feeling like a third wheel.


    Lance shakes his head and shoos me away ''''I will just go on home since I am not needed.''''


    I take a step away from them and to the parking lot where my car is. It is a Friday night and I don''t think I want to be alone right now. There''s a party that I could go for, maybe I should call Eren, see if he is available.


    I dial his number and it goes straight to voicemail. Eren is always with his phone, so the fact that my call went straight to voice mail means he is busy or unavailable.


    The only other person I could ask is Patrick. We could try out this whole friend thing. It could work out.


    Well here goes.

 Chapter 83 - Carla And The Fight.

    Lance.


    ''''Baby,'''' I try to pull him closer, but he grabs me by my waist. He is upset, he only pushes me off him when he is upset.


    ''''We are in front of my school,'''' he reminds me.


    Oh, and also when we are in public. We can''t be seen as a couple. I keep forgetting that major detail. I missed the rest of his game because I was sorting out some Jack problems.


    Yeah, I know I used that as an excuse. That gym was choking. I hate being involved in his outside life, knowing I am not part of it.


    ''''You didn''t want to come in the first place, just be honest about it,'''' he interjects.


    Yeah I know he is upset. Jack left us to sort it out. He probably didn''t like being the third wheel and everything he dumped on me today must be overwhelming too. I don''t know how I feel about Patrick and him, but I am not upset. From the dinner, I could sense something was up with them. They tried to hide it but I could tell and now my assumptions were right. I can see the love that is about to bloom. They are still in the denial stage. Soon enough they will realise that they are perfect for each other and I will tell him I told you so again.


    Jack is stubborn.


    He doesn''t think he deserves to be happy, but I will make him see that he could be¡ªif I have to be the matchmaker that pulls those two together.


    ''''You''re not even paying attention to me right now,'''' he rolls his eyes. Students storm out of the building suddenly and I have to take another step away from him. this is why I didn''t want to come. I didn''t want to be the stepbrother he dragged to one of his games. I was rooting for him but I didn''t want to be reminded that we are nothing on the outside.


    ''''I am sorry, can we go home and talk about it?''''


    He sighs ''''There is a party to celebrate our win,'''' he mutters. His eyes looking everywhere but me ''''I have to go.''''


    Uh ok.


    Now he is acting weird.


    Why is he acting so weird?


    ''''Without me?''''


    He shrugs ''''You don''t have to go. I mean you didn''t even want to be here in the first place,'''' I hate when he has this nonchalant attitude. I know he cares, so why is he acting like he doesn''t mind if I am with him or not.


    I don''t like this.


    ''''Babe¡ª'''' I am cut off before I can complete my sentence by someone jumping on his back. It is a girl, someone else asides Lisa. This one is not a cheerleader¡ªat least.


    ''''You did it,'''' she screeches as her legs wrap around his waist.


    Okay, wait. This is a little too up close and personal. I thought he didn''t have friends.


    ''''Hey Carla,'''' he says without even turning around. She jumps off him immediately and he finally turns around, his back now facing me. this Carla girl is dressed in a pair of black high waisted shorts and a purple made in Jersey crop top with white sneakers. Her black her is up in a ponytail. It looks so tight, almost like her head is about to explode. She is pretty, all the people he hangs around are pretty. Her eyes are hazel, her nose is pointed in a button shape¡ªalmost too perfect. She has little makeup on, the kind that is subtle, makes her even more beautiful.


    I am jealous.


    So fucking jealous, even though I know he is mine. I have nothing to worry about because I trust him completely.


    ''''Nate and the rest are waiting for you. You haven''t even freshened up,'''' she scolds him with the cutest glare I have ever seen.


    They don''t even acknowledge my presence. I don''t know if I am pissed or sad. I mean, I am his boyfriend. The least he could''ve done is introduce me. He is acting like I am not even here in the first place.


    ''''I just came to talk to my stepbrother.''''


    Finally, I get some acknowledgement. Not the kind I wanted but it is a start. I can''t count how many times he will have to introduce me as his stepbrother. It makes this thing we are doing seem very wrong. I hate it so much.


    ''''Oh, I didn''t see you there, you must be Lance. God Brad never stops talking about you. We are all so tired of hearing Lance, Lance, Lance,'''' she giggles with a twirl of her hair.


    I smile even though I don''t believe her words. I didn''t even know he had friends and now I find out he has been talking about me.


    Ha.


    ''''Oh, really?'''' she nods and walks closer to me. suddenly she jumps and wraps her arms around me for a hug. This is the most awkward I have felt in a long time. She is hugging me¡ªa stranger that she just met. I guess that means the hug she gave Ford isn''t a big deal. She is probably just a hugger.


    After a couple of seconds, she lets go of me and her cheeks are red. ''''We have all been dying to see you. He didn''t mention how cute you are,'''' she faces Ford ''''Why didn''t you tell me your brother was a hottie?'''' she raises a brow at him.


    Ford shrugs, he doesn''t seem to be interested in this conversation, but he is pretending to be. He is still upset with me. he hasn''t looked at me once since this girl showed up.


    ''''You''re coming to the party with us?'''' she asks with hopeful eyes.


    If I didn''t know better, I would think she was flirting with me.


    ''''He has to go home,'''' he speaks for me.


    Why doesn''t he want me to go to this party? Would he rather go without me?


    ''''No, come on. It''ll be fun. We can all get to know you and you get to meet the crew,'''' she smiles.


    Crew. So now Ford has a freaking crew. I feel cheated right now because I have shown him every part of me, and he has kept his life hidden from me. This girl seems close to him. she seems like a good friend and he can''t even tell his good friend about us. I have told the people that are important to me. I welcomed him into my life, and he doesn''t want to do the same with me.


    It hurts.


    It fucking hurts.


    ''''Please come,'''' Carla, bats her eyes lashes. Her hazel eyes never wavering from mine. She is pleading with them and the only reason why I want to accept this is not because of her. I want to go to the party because I need to know how he is outside our bubble. I want to see him when he is with his friends. I want to know more about him even though he seems to want all those parts to remain hidden from me.


    ''''Sure, I''ll be there,'''' I smile at her.


    She jumps into my arms again, this time I look at Ford and see the jealousy in his eyes. Slowly, I move my hand to the space between her shorts and shirt. the part that reveals her skin. His darts his eyes to my hand. I see him watching and I want him to feel as hurt as I feel right now. I want him to see how important I am and how in the blink of an eye he could possibly lose me.


    Begrudgingly, he looks away from us and Carla lets go of me still smiling, our whole mental conversation unknown to her ''''So I''ll see you there,'''' she says before skipping away from us.


    ''''What are you doing?''''


    I shrug ''''Nothing.''''


    He sighs ''''We are not going for this party.''''


    He said he was going before but now that I have shown interest. He doesn''t want to anymore? I can smell his bullshit from a mile away. There is no way I am missing this party.


    ''''Are you still upset with me for missing the game?''''


    He sighs again ''''I am not upset with you, I never was.''''


    ''''Stop lying, why does it feel like all you do is lie to me.''''


    I am going too far. I know but I am upset now.


    ''''Wow, Lance. You are using my mistakes against me. Great,'''' he walks away from me and I stand there in the middle of the parking lot. I don''t know why I just did that. I watch him as he disappears into the building. I know I need to follow him but I want him to cool off. Maybe then he will forgive me faster.


    The crowd outside reduces as people around enter their cars and leave¡ªprobably to get to this after-party. I walk back to the building and head for the direction of the gym. There is confetti on the floors, for their victory. I don''t know how important this game was, but it seems like it was very important, and I get why he is pissed.


    I need to apologise.


    First, I have to find him.

 Chapter 84 - Risky Sex.

    Lance.


    Finding him is not that hard. Ford is apparently a pretty popular guy in this school. all I had to mention was his name and I was directed on where to find him. From the crowd earlier, the school is so empty that you wouldn''t even know it was full of people before.


    I knew he would be in the locker room. He is supposed to be freshening up and I am going to crash in on him.


    I didn''t mean to be a jerk back there. I guess I got so jealous. I don''t like the fact that he has kept me so hidden from the people in his life. I find out that he has friends. Like actual friends apart from Lisa. People that might not be with him for selfish reasons and he didn''t tell them about me. I don''t know how he is so good at keeping this a secret. I want to shout to the world, let everyone know that he is mine, but he doesn''t have a problem with me not knowing anything about his life.


    I understand that I have to handle things differently with him, because of his illness but I don''t think his illness defines him. at the end of the day, he is just Ford my boyfriend. That is all I care about and even though he might carry a heavy burden, I don''t judge him for it.


    I get to the door of the locker room and I hear the shower running loudly. I don''t think there is anybody in there with him. the school is pretty much cleared out. Seems like everyone is already headed to the party. I can''t wait to meet his friends. I feel like it will make me feel closer to him. I want anything that will bring me closer to him.


    I open the door slowly and peek inside to make sure there isn''t anyone. As I thought, the vast room is empty. I see the lockers from where I am standing. They are all closed. I walk into the room, looking around in the process. There are white towels sprawled on the floor and the benches. These boys are gross. I walk closer to the sound of the shower. I see him immediately. I can recognise Ford even with my eyes closed.


    There is soap all over his body as he scrubs even harder. The muscles in his back flex as he touches his body. this is a bold move, I mean I could get caught at any minute but I want to risk it. I want to be close to him right now and I don''t know how he is going to handle what I am about to do.


    I take off my clothes hurriedly. He hasn''t even noticed that I am here. He seems to be engrossed in his shower.


    I hang my clothes on the hanger stuck on the wall. God, please don''t let me regret this decision. I know it is stupid. We are in his school, the one place he doesn''t want to be caught. The minute someone sees us, it is all over. Ever since I met Ford, I started taking risks. I don''t know if this is a good thing but it is exciting to me.


    I walk into the open showers slowly. My heart is racing, I am nervous as fuck. I don''t know if I will be able to handle it if he pushes me off. He still doesn''t feel my presence until I wrap my arms around his waist.


    He stiffens against me immediately and turns around with wide eyes ''''What the fuck Lance,'''' he scolds.


    I let go of him and he darts his eyes to my dick, noticing that I am naked ''''What are you doing in here?''''


    I manage a smile as I pull him close to me again ''''We are fine, there is no one here.''''


    He shakes his head ''''What if someone walks in and see us. We cant do this here.''''


    He is panicking, as I knew he would.


    ''''Please just a couple of minutes. I want to apologise.'''' I hold him again and this time he doesn''t push me or fight me off. He rests his head on my shoulder with a breath of defeat and the water crawls all over my skin. My hair is already wet and flat ton my head.


    ''''I am sorry,'''' I manage.


    ''''I never do anything right.'''' He answers my apology with that and it confuses me.


    This is not about him.


    I am apologising because I was a jerk.


    ''''You always try to beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. I seem to have messed everything up tonight.''''


    He pulls back from me slightly, now looking directly at my eyes ''''I knew you didn''t want to come for this game. I put you under pressure to come and then blamed you for being absent. I shouldn''t have.''''


    ''''You have every right to be upset with me. I shouldn''t have left. I should''ve cheered on for you.''''


    ''''You don''t like basketball,'''' he justifies.


    I don''t argue with him and say I don''t like sports in general because it doesn''t have anything to do with that. Even if this was the sport of all time. The fact that he was playing meant I automatically had to show him support.


    ''''I love you. That is all that matters. Jack distracted me. some things happened to him and I was helping him through it. I didn''t know that you would be bummed when you didn''t see me in the crowd.''''


    ''''It doesn''t matter anymore. I hate fighting with you,'''' he cries all the emotion clear in his eyes. I don''t even want to drag things. I just want to kiss him.


    I lean forward until my lips smash against him. This is another risky decision, but I can''t stop myself and he doesn''t seem to want to stop me. Our lips mesh together ferociously. The hunger evident as he presses the rest of his body to mine. I moan against his lips as he pushes me to the wall, my back hitting the tiled wall a little too roughly. He pulls back from the kiss, his eyes dark and lust-filled.


    No words are exchanged as he smashes his lips to mine again, grabbing my leg up for better access. We are about to have sex in the locker room of his school. I feel his dick, hard and ready for me. his hand slides down my chest, I shudder against his touch as he grabs his dick and places it in my entrance. His eyes are still open. He is watching me but I am so far gone. Maybe he wants me to be the one to stop this, but how can I start something that I started?


    He slides into me slowly. I stiffen as he tries to adjust my body to him. the pain obvious in my face. he kisses me again, the only way to distract me from what he is doing below. I moan into his mouth as a low growl escapes his lips.


    He pushes into me a little more than his tip and I squirm against his chest. Fucking hell, why is it always so intense with him? there is never a dull moment of sex with Ford. I bend my head backwards as I try to accommodate him. this is the first time we are having sex without Lube. It almost seems like my body is getting accustomed to his dick.


    ''''Fuck,'''' he groans out as he pummels into me harder. the slow pace he started increases. The harder he hits that spot, the faster he goes. I dig my nails into his skin. I know It will leave a bruise on his skin, but I love our sex marks. The water mixes with our sweat, completely cooling me down through the hotness that is Ford.


    He goes faster, I scream louder, hoping the shower is making my screams. The minute I feel close to my orgasm. I pull apart from his lips ''''I am going to cum. Let''s do it together,'''' I tell him out of breath.


    He smiles with a nod and he pushes into me. this time my eyes open wide from the shock of how hard he hit that spot I don''t think I can hold out any longer. I reach for his hair and tug at it, feeling myself on the edge.


    ''''Now,'''' he breathes into my ear.


    I take that as approval and explode on his, still breathing heavily. I feel him hot inside me, as he spills it all out with a loud grunt.


    I fall to his chest already spent. Now I wish we were home. I don''t even want to go to this party again. I just want to fall asleep in his arms. Ford presses his lips to my forehead for a soft kiss. My eyes remain closed from the exhaustion of what just happened.


    ''''I love you,'''' he reminds me.


    I nod because I don''t have any doubt and he knows I love him too. Thank you God, for giving me this man.


    He is perfect.

 Chapter 85 - Do Not Kiss Me.

    Jack.


    ''''Hey.''''


    I hear his voice and the part of me that wants to deny how that makes me feel blocks the chills I get from hearing his voice, this is a man''s voice. A very manly man''s voice, so why does it sound so fucking good?


    ''''Hey wingman,'''' I let out a breath of relief glad that he answered my call. We agreed to be friends, but I don''t know if he just said okay to get me to back off.


    ''''You''re really serious about that shit?'''' he mutters, I can imagine a smile on his face.


    I walk over to my car and open it up with the key ''''yeah, how do you feel about a practice run tonight?''''


    He sighs ''''Uh¡­''''


    ''''come on man. you can''t leave me hanging. It is a Friday night. You shouldn''t even be home right now.''''


    He chuckles ''''Not everyone is like you, Jack. Some of us like to sleep in on a Friday night.''''


    I roll my eyes ''''Okay, let''s say you are not like me. let me show you what it is like to be like me.''''


    ''''You make it seem like it is all fun and games being with you. Remember what happened the last time we got drunk?''''


    Yeah, he has a habit of bringing that night up at every chance he gets. At this point, I am over telling him to be hush about it. maybe it is the fact that I have told Lance. I feel like I don''t need to hide it anymore.


    ''''Say yes and I will be there to pick you up in thirty minutes,'''' I settle because the longer I keep him on the line, the more comfortable he will get with staying at home. I don''t want to go home right now, I don''t want to be alone. Even if I have to be with a couple of people I don''t even know.


    He sighs loudly into the phone. I already know he has agreed ''''Great. Dress pretty for me,'''' I mutter excited that I am going out with him for some reason.


    ''''I didn''t even say yes,'''' he accuses.


    I laugh ''''Well I could tell that was coming next.''''


    He sighs again ''''Fine Jack, show me what is so great about your life.''''


    I end the call with a smile on my face. looking at the sun visor, I wipe the smile from my face immediately. Suddenly I realise that that talking to Patrick somehow lifted my spirits. How can I just change my mood from one phone call and with no other than Patrick? The one person I am trying to deny right now.


    ************


    I get to the apartment building and send him a quick text. He replies immediately and a couple of minutes later I see him ascend out of the front entrance. I told him to look pretty but I didn''t actually think he would listen to me.


    Not that he looks pretty right now¡ªfuck, who am I kidding, he looks very pretty to me right now. He is dressed in a pair of black jeans. I have seen those jeans on him before. There is nothing new about it, his shirt is sleeveless. Leaving no mystery to the tattoos on his arm. His hair is cut neat on his head. no one has ever pulled a buzz cut as much as Patrick does. It looks ridiculously sexy on him.


    Shit. Did I just call him sexy?


    I run my hands through my hair, feeling nervous as fuck. This is not a date but why does it feel like a date. I don''t even know where we are going. We are probably going to just hit the closest club.


    Finally, he gets to the passenger side of my car and opens the door ''''Hi wingman,'''' I manage to control my breathing, ignoring the fact that I was admiring him a couple of seconds ago.


    He rolls his eyes and puts on his seat belt immediately. My phone dings just as I am about to start the car. I see a message from Lance.


    ''''Lance says there''s an after-party for Ford. Should we do that instead?''''


    He opens his eyes wide; I can tell that must be uncomfortable for him ''''We don''t have to, I just thought you might want to.''''


    I don''t know what I was thinking, I knew he wouldn''t be interested in a party in which his crush and crush''s boyfriend will be there. It is not like they can even be all coupled up at this party. They are still a secret, so this must just be a pretend stepbrother situation.


    ''''I don''t want to go, besides high school parties are overrated.''''


    I manage a nod ''''Great, I will just tell him that I''ll pass on it.''''


    He smiles in appreciation. I send the text and drop my phone on the console. ''''How will you even explain coming to the party with me?'''' he asks curiously.


    I smile ''''I told him about us,'''' I manage a shrug as I put the car on reverse to get to the road.


    ''''What?''''


    I didn''t know how he was going to react to this, but I guess he is going to freak out.


    ''''What exactly did you tell him? I thought we agreed to forget about that night?''''


    I shoot a quick glance to him as my eyes stay on the road. ''''I needed his permission to hang out with you.''''


    That is the truth. I would''ve probably taken that night to the grave if I didn''t want to hang out with Trick so badly. I want to get to know him, I want to be his friend. he is a great guy, and I don''t want to miss out on getting to know him, that Is why I did what I did. Lance is my best friend and I can''t add more secrets.


    ''''You told him about us hanging out?''''


    I nod again ''''Yeah, he is my best friend. I had no choice.''''


    He sighs ''''Do you know how uncomfortable this will make me feel. Shit, I don''t feel too good about all this.''''


    I don''t know how to calm him down and drive at the same time. So I park the car by the side of the road and turn around till our eyes meet. There is nothing for him to be worried about Lance will not judge him.


    ''''This is a good thing. You said you wanted to get over him. this is the first step to doing just that.''''


    ''''How is this the first step. He is just going to think I moved on from him so fast. I don''t want him to think I am some kinda ho.''''


    A smile sprawls to my face.


    Did he just?


    ''''Dude, Lance doesn''t think you are a ho.''''


    He shakes his head ''''I fucked his best friend when I still have feelings for him. that makes me a ho.


    Ouch.


    That kinda stings.


    Even though it was just a one-night stand. Hearing him say that hurts. I don''t want to be just a quick fuck to him.


    ''''You''re overthinking. He is okay with it all. He doesn''t think you are a ho,'''' I assure him.


    He looks at me in disbelief. It is going to be very hard convincing him. maybe when he sees Lance''s reaction to this whole thing, he will believe then. ''''Come on, let''s go have some fun,'''' I slap his back playfully.


    He rolls his eyes as I start the car and head to Club Cubix. I don''t know what I plan to do tonight. I just want to try and have fun with him and if we meet people, then lucky for us. Patrick seems to be nervous about all of this. I know he doesn''t know where he stands with me. I have been a jerk to him but I plan to make it up to him. I actually want to be friends with him. like for real friendship.


    The kind I have with Eren and Lance. okay, maybe not as strong as my relationship with Lance. I mean, Lance is basically family. He is the only one that I can never let go of. The rest of the people in my life are dispensable.


    Is Patrick going to stay dispensable or will there come a time where I will never want to let him go? I have been thinking about it, I spent a night with him and I told him things I don''t normally talk about with just anyone. I opened up to him a lot more than I do to Lance. it scares me but it is easy to talk to him. so easy that I want to do it all the time.


    ''''Are we going to drink tonight?''''


    I smile ''''Do you want to get drunk with me again?'''' I give him a wink which gets another eye roll from him. He seems to roll his eyes a lot. I guess that his only way to express his feelings.


    ''''This time do not kiss me,'''' he points his finger at me.


    I look away from him and at the road, mentally warning myself. No matter how alluring his looks Jack, you cannot sleep with him a second time.


    I hope I listen to my warning.

 Chapter 86 - His Friends

    Lance.


    This is a house party.


    Like the first time, I met Ford.


    Suddenly I don''t want to go for this thing. I tried to convince him later on. I told him I was fine with going home but I already put it in his head and now he wasn''t taking no for an answer.


    ''''This seems like a crap idea, Is Lisa going to be there?'''' I ask him, I don''t want to see her. I hate her so much and I don''t even know her. I still can''t understand why she is doing all this.


    ''''You don''t worry yourself about her. I plan to set things straight with her,'''' he assures me, and I am supposed to believe him, but I know how he gets around these people. seeing him tonight with Carla, there was a shift. Something different about him. I know Ford acts around the people at school. he has had to put up a fa?ade for everyone in his life. they don''t know who he is, these are people that are supposed to be In his crew. I can''t imagine being anyone but myself with Jack and Eren. It is not just possible.


    I still wish he could just say fuck it to everything and own up to who he really is. The person I have fallen irrevocably in love with.


    ''''What do you plan on telling her?''''


    ''''The truth. She needs to leave me the fuck alone. Somehow, she thinks she can control me because of my father but I will try to reason with her.''''


    I don''t believe he can actually convince Lisa with words. That girl is in love with him¡ªI mean she might just be straight-up obsessed. You wouldn''t try to hurt the one you love. What she is doing is hurting him by acting so controlling.


    He shrugs as we get down from the car. It seems like everyone in their school is rich. This house is even more massive than his and you need to understand that the house I live in right now is big as fuck. We walk through the front door and he opens the door and there is a big crowd in the living room. It feels like the whole school came to this party.


    I try to grab Ford''s hand in mine as we walk through the crowd. He gives me a look reminding me that we cant do this here. I know, I just didn''t think anyone was really paying attention to us. we have to squeeze through people to even pave our way. There is no one that is even paying attention to us, but I understand him and his panic. That is why I didn''t even want to come anymore. Thinking about it, I am the only one that will eventually get hurt when he acts like I am nothing to him.


    ''''You made it,'''' I see Carla as she struts over. She is dressed in the same clothes she was wearing earlier.


    I manage a smile ''''Hey,'''' she grabs my hand and I can''t help but sneak a glance at Ford. I know I tried to make him jealous earlier. It was one of my jerk moves but I don''t actually have any interest in her. Ford has a blank expression on his face, I can''t even read him right now.


    ''''Come on guys, let me introduce you to the rest of the guys.''''


    She leads us further into the house and up the stairs. The music is loud. There are people drinking and dancing in the living room. We get to another living room upstairs, this one is not as packed as the one downstairs and there is a big couch in this room. It is occupied by people to the point where some of them are seated on the floor.


    ''''Wow, Brad at a party? What kind of hostage situation is this?'''' someone speaks with disbelief in his eyes.


    I look at my boyfriend and he just shrugs as if he can''t even be bothered ''''I know right. I had to literally beg him to show up,'''' Clara announces, leading me further into the room ''''This is his brother. The one he told us about,''''


    Four pairs of eyes look up to me immediately, three guys and another girl. So this is the crew. These are the people that are supposed to be his friends ''''Oh, Nate mentioned he saw you guys at a hotel,'''' the one that spoke earlier mutters.


    I nod.


    Nate is the guy we saw on our date but he isn''t here right now ''''Why don''t you guys mind your business Jason,'''' Ford interjects with an eye roll, now I know he is Jason. He places his hands inside his pocket ''''Where are the drinks?'''' he asks looking around.


    ''''Downstairs, do you want to go with me?'''' Clara asks him, swinging her hands off me and to his.


    He shrugs and heads for the direction of the door ''''I''ll get something for you,'''' he tells me before leaving.


    So he is just going to leave me here with these people that I don''t even know. Why did I come here in the first place? I take the blame on this. I insisted and got what I wanted.


    ''''You know you can have a seat,'''' another one of the guys seated on the large leather couch suggests.


    I look around and there are no free spaces ''''Where exactly. This place is ridiculously full.''''


    He laughs and I look at him¡ªlike look at him closely for the first time. His hair is a hazel brown, like the colour of chocolate. His eyes are the same colour, it should look weird but it fits the shape of his face. his jaw is strong and sharp. His nose is a little puffy but it suits him perfectly. The smile on his face reveals a crinkle on his forehead¡ªmore like frown lines. He gestures for me to come closer with his hands and I oblige, next thing I know, he stands up from the couch and I see how tall he is. He is way taller than Ford and ford is tall, being over 6ft. this guy is taller and slim. He is dressed in blue faded jeans and a plain black tee shirt. he sits down on the armrest of the couch and pats the empty space next to him.


    I manage to squeeze next to Jason, whose attention is already onto the person next to me ''''Nice to meet you, stepbrother,'''' he stretches his hand out.


    I look at his fingers, they are long and slender ''''I have a name,'''' I roll my eyes as I take his hands in mine.


    ''''Well do you want to share this name with me?'''' he smiles making the lines on his forehead deepen.


    It seems like every one of Ford''s friends is flirty because this guy is definitely flirting with me. Maybe this is just be mistaking being friendly as flirting. I mean what do I even know about flirting?


    ''''Lance,'''' I manage a faint smile because I don''t want to look like I am flirting too. Even though these people don''t know it, I have a boyfriend. I don''t plan on making any new friends.


    I am totally content with the ones I have right now.


    ''''Nice to meet you, Lance. I am Dylan,'''' he breathes out.


    I let go of his hand and he leans closer to whisper into my ear ''''Are you and Brad close?'''' he asks me curiously.


    I shrug ''''Not that close?''''


    He raises a brow ''''He said you guys were though. Said you are the best thing about his dad''s marriage.''''


    My heart freezes.


    He actually said that to his friends.


    I don''t know what to think about that. the fact that he talked about me and said such sweet words is everything to me.


    ''''Uh, I don''t know about that. I guess he is cool,'''' I try to act like this is not a big deal to me. I mean, I want to scream at the top of the lungs. He thinks I am the best thing and he actually said that out loud.


    I am freaking out in my head.


    ''''So, how does it feel to have a new family?''''


    It seems like he wants to get to know me, meanwhile, all I want to do is find Ford and hold him in my arms. I am not interested in conversing with these people.


    He is taking too long.


    ''''There''s nothing different about it. maybe getting used to the fact that it''s not just me and my mom but everything else is the same thing.''''


    He nods ''''I get what you mean. My mom got married to someone else but I am usually with my dad most of the year. So I don''t pay attention to her new hubby.''''


    Why does he need to ask when he can already relate.


    ''''O.M.G, Lance is here,'''' I hear her voice and recognise it immediately. I knew I was going to bump into Lisa at this party but I kinda prayed I wouldn''t have to talk to her.


    Fucking hell.

 Chapter 87 - Letting Go.

    Patrick.


    We get to the club and Jack leaves me all by myself.


    He isn''t even acting like a wingman right now. Not that I want him to be in the first place. The only reason why I even agreed to this is that I want to spend time with him and get to know him.


    I can meet someone on my own but he seems to think that I need him. I look around the crowd from the stool I am seated on by the bar. Finally, I find him in the crowd, he is talking to a girl and she is dressed in the shortest dress I have ever seen. Her hair is black and styled in a short bob. I can''t see her face from where I am seated but she looks pretty from the back. Jack slides his hand on her shoulder softly. I feel a twinge in my chest. Just from seeing him flirting with someone else.


    I really don''t know how I feel about him. I don''t even know how this even started. I had all my eyes set out on Lance. I didn''t even see Jack in that light but now, staring at him, I feel jealousy at the fact that he is interested in that girl. I don''t know what his preference is but I know it is not straight-lined. With everything that happened with us that night, he can''t tell me that he didn''t feel anything. Even if it was just mere attraction.


    Jack whispers something into the girl''s ear, I take a sip from my glass; not really in the drinking mood. He looks up at me suddenly and a wide smile spreads on his face. I manage to give him back a faint smile, even though I am suddenly having regrets. I shouldn''t have come here, we both want different things. He wants to meet someone new, while I want to get to know him.


    This sucks.


    I watch him, like a creep. ''''Are you here alone?'''' a guy next to me questions totally distracting me from my creepy act.


    I turn around to see him and he has a smile on his face. His eyes are a dark brown shade, I don''t bother to analyze the rest of him because I don''t have any interest in him.


    ''''No, I came with my friend,'''' I take another sip of my drink.


    My eyes dart back to jack, now his arms are around this girl and I haven''t even seen her face yet. The jealousy crawls deeper within me, now I just want to leave.


    ''''I''m Francis,'''' he stretches his hand out for a handshake.


    It takes me a couple of seconds to understand what he wants from me but from the look in his eyes, it seems like he is interested in me. This confuses me, I mean, this is not a gay bar. So he can''t just assume that I swing the same way with him. Is there something that tells him I could be interested?


    ''''I am not interested,'''' I blurt it out, not wanting to lead him on any further.


    He raises a brow and then settles on a hearty laugh ''''I wasn''t making a pass,'''' he denies, even though we both know that he was. You don''t just randomly make a conversation with a stranger unless you want something. What I don''t know is what exactly he wants from me.


    ''''Seems like you were,'''' I retort with an eye roll.


    The smile remains on his face as he shifts his attention away from me and to the crowd ''''I saw you watching that guy,'''' he points to Jack ''''you have been watching him all night,'''' he adds.


    I frown. He just made talking to me seem creepy. The fact that he has been watching me since I came, makes me want to just get up and leave. I know I am doing the same thing that he did but I like to think mine is justifiable. I came here with Jack¡ªwe are friends or at least I like to think we are even though we are still debating about it.


    ''''He is the friend I came with,'''' I reply feeling the need to correct him.


    He smiles ''''you know you don''t want to be just friends with him,'''' I don''t like this guy. He thinks he knows everything. I am okay with being just friends. I look at Jack again and this time he is making out with the girl. They are now in a corner of the club, their faces fused together, making out heavily.


    The fact that Francis said that at the same time as I noticed them makes it even more painful to watch. Do I like the fact that he has completely moved on from me? No I don''t. I know you might argue that we weren''t even anything in the first place.


    ''''You want to make him jealous?"


    I look at him and he has a gleam in his eyes. ''''I am not interested, thank you.''''


    ''''You know sometimes in life, you have to take a step forward. How will he know how you feel if you don''t show it?''''


    This guy doesn''t know me, he doesn''t know anything about me and Jack. So what gives him the right to act as if he does?


    ''''This is not your concern. Can you just mind your business?'''' I scold him because this is all getting to me. The fact that it is so easy for Jack to find someone to distract himself from all thoughts of me.


    Jack takes the moment to walk over to us. There is a smile on his face as he slings his arm over my shoulder ''''Hey,'''' he grabs my glass from the table and takes it all in one gulp. I turn to face him, trying to hide the anger in me. He just finished kissing some random girl.


    He bends until he is so close to me, through the loud music, I hear him as he whispers into my ear ''''you seem to be hitting off with him,'''' he nudges me, probably talking about Francis.


    The guy I just yelled at.


    ''''Not really. I am getting tired. What time do you want to call it a night?'''' I ask him, already wanting to escape from this awkward situation. No matter how much I try to pretend. I don''t want to watch him be with other people. I feel something¡ªsomething that I don''t understand yet, but it is still there and the fact that he doesn''t even feel the same way, fucking sucks.


    I can''t be his party buddy.


    I can''t be his wingman.


    I want to just go home and wallow in self-pity.


    ''''We just got here,'''' he groans.


    ''''I had a stressful day at work. I can''t just party like you.''''


    He laughs ''''Okay, how about I look for someone for you. I mean that is the whole point of this outing. What''s your poison?'''' he looks at the crowd and my eyes follow his.


    There is no one here that seems interesting. The only person I want to get to know is only interested in setting me up with someone else.


    ''''There are so many girls or guys to pick from. I will start the conversation for you.''''


    I frown ''''I am not interested in picking up anyone. I just want to go home.'''' I jump up from the stool. He shakes his head ''''what is wrong. I thought we were going to hang out tonight?''''


    I don''t even know why I am being extra sensitive but I don''t want to do this anymore. I don''t want to be friends with him, I don''t want to think about that night. I just want to be left the fuck alone.


    I can''t tell him all that because I don''t want to hurt his feelings. What can I do to make him leave me alone right now and go back to his girl?


    ''''How about that drink now?'''' I hear Francis. His masculine voice sounds like a saving grace. I didn''t want to lead him on but I don''t want Jack to be suspicious. He can''t know how I feel right now. How angry I am with everything that is happening.


    This is the only way he won''t push for me if I act like I am fine. If I pretend to be interested in Francis, he might think we are cool. This is what I have to do. I can''t linger around them anymore. It is getting really hard for me to handle everything


    Francis stands up from the stool just at the same time Jack lets go. He smiles at me warmly. He just confirmed all of his assumptions. He was right, I am jealous. I have been jealous all night and apparently, everyone can see it. The only way I can hide this from Jack is if I pretend to be moving on from that night, even though deep down, I know that I can''t. Every thought pulls me back to that night.


    Maybe Francis will help.


    ''''Sure,'''' I smile back at him.

 Chapter 88 - The Turn Off

    Jack.


    I have been trying to distract myself from being too close to him all night. there has been some silent convincing. I keep telling myself that there cannot be a repeat of that night.


    I haven''t had too much alcohol, I want to stay in my right state of mind. The minute I lose control, things will go haywire. That is why I am on the dancefloor of this club, groping his girl. She is a good distraction and even though I steal glances at him every second, I don''t think about the things I want to do to him.


    ''''So, do you want to get out of here?'''' Pearl, the girl I have been dancing with all night asks. My eyes dart to Jack and now he is not alone anymore. He seems to be having a conversation with some guy that is seated next to him on a stool. I was supposed to be his wingman¡ªyou know, set him up with someone but I even failed at that.


    The minute we got to the club, I left him with the guise that I wanted to dance and since I knew he wouldn''t want to, I was able to escape. The conversation we had got to me. I kept thinking about it on the way here.


    The fact that we had sex that night, there could be a reoccurrence if we continue hanging out together and it is not like I don''t want to hang out with him because I do, I just don''t want us to have an awkward situation again. I tend to ruin relationships. Just like my relationship with Camilla. I don''t really talk about it a lot because I don''t like to admit that it was all my fault but it was.


    Camilla was perfect and I actually felt the love from her. She wanted to get closer to me. she wanted to get to know everything about me. my past, my family, she wanted to meet Lance and it is not that I didn''t want her too. I was just so scared that she would judge me. judge everything about my life. so I pushed her away like I usually do and things didn''t turn out well with us.


    No matter how much someone cares if you don''t reciprocate that they will walk away. No one is indispensable, and Camilla showed that to me. she couldn''t handle me and all my insecurities and I feel like that is the same thing that will happen with Patrick. I don''t want to push him away because I have this feeling that he could be someone really important to me but as usual, I don''t think and I fucking act up.


    Right now, I don''t like what I am seeing. I don''t like that he has found interest in someone. No matter who that person is. This guy doesn''t look all that. I watch them as Pearl slides her hand on my chest seductively. I know what she is doing, she wants me to go home with her. Yeah, that is usually what happens in these situations but can I really leave Patrick. At first, I thought he would be a downer in this but he seems to have caught the attention of someone and I don''t like it. how am I supposed to watch him hook up with other people when I can''t even stand him talking to someone else.


    Is this jealousy?


    I pull away from her ''''Not today,'''' I shake my head as the music blares loudly. I need to go and stop whatever is going on with them.


    I don''t want him to go home with that guy.


    This is just our first hang out.


    I am not ready yet.


    ''''At least can I get your number?'''' she brings her phone out of her tiny purse slung over her shoulder and passes it to me.


    I look at the iPhone unsure if I want to actually give her my number. Pearl is very beautiful. On a normal day, I would be all over her, but Patrick seems to have all my attention, even though I wish he didn''t.


    ''''Sure,'''' I grab the phone from her and save my number.


    I decide to go back to Trick leaving Pearl on the dancefloor, somehow walking up to him makes me feel like he is upset. Is he upset that I interrupted him and that guy?


    Now he wants to leave. I don''t want him to leave, at least we should leave together. I have to make it seem like I am glad that he was hitting it off with that guy. Pretend like I don''t care about it even though it is all I could think about watching him.


    I suggest looking for someone else for him, anything to keep him here with me but he is not having it. I don''t know what to do. he seems to be pissed at something. I can''t read his mind, he needs to tell me what is wrong for me to understand.


    The moment that guy comes up to him again and asks him for a drink. I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. I don''t like this man. Hell, I hate him so much and I don''t even know him.


    Is this what jealousy feels like.


    ''''Sure,'''' Patrick agrees to the drink with him. ''''You don''t mind right?'''' he asks me as he manages a faint smile.


    He wanted to leave a second ago, why is he suddenly agreeing to stay. I wish he''d want to leave again.


    ''''Go ahead,'''' I nudge him back with a fake smile.


    I can''t suddenly be the downer. He was probably pissed earlier because I interrupted him. maybe he is really hitting it off with the guy and who am I to try to stop that. they leave and I look around, unsure of what to do. i am not even feeling this place anymore. My eyes find Pearl, she is in a booth with her friends. The people I saw her come with. She looks up suddenly and a smile sprawls up to her face. maybe this will be a good distraction. I mean, it is for the best. I shouldn''t even be getting angry at the fact that he met someone. That is the main reason for all this.


    I give her the look, the one that is inviting. I never need anyone to help me pick up girls. Saying I want Trick as a wingman was just an excuse to spend time with him. I don''t need him and it shows as she whispers something into her friend''s ear and stands up, slowly walking over to me.


    I take slow strides towards her. The smile on her face is wide, the kind that is eager and inviting. If this was another day, I would be the happiest man on earth. She is so interested in me; she wants me and all I feel is the twinge in my chest from the pain of seeing Trick walk away from me with that guy.


    I want her to help me forget.


    I need to forget.


    ''''My place is a walk away from here,'''' she suggests as she stops in front of me. I grab her hand slowly pulling her closer to me.


    I don''t mind an escape right now.


    ''''Let''s do it.''''


    *****************


    I push her through the front door, grabbing her waist and pulling it towards mine. Her lips smash into mine. The mood is set and ready. This is what I want. I don''t want to think about Patrick. There is no point dwelling on that.


    ''''You wanna take this to my room,'''' she asks me in between kisses. The gleam in her eyes. I want to go home, I don''t want to be doing this with her but it will help me forget about him and that is all I want to do.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I manage in between heavy breaths.


    She leads me into her room and throws me on the bed roughly. The act itself is supposed to be a major turn-on. I watch her as she takes off her clothes, slowly and seductively. This is the part where my dick responds. The moment she climbs on top of me naked. I feel her touch, it is supposed to warm me upset me on fire.


    Why is it not working? She reaches for the buckle of my jeans, her fingers brushing against my dick. She is trying to bring it to life. it is not working. I don''t know how to respond to this, so I grab her and pull her closer. Smashing my mouth into hers. A kiss is all it usually took to get me started.


    It is not working.


    I close my eyes as she grinds into me, pulling me even closer. Her hands still playing with my jeans. I slide away from her lips until one of her breasts is in my mouth. I have always been a tits guy. Her breasts are perky, with pink luscious nipples.


    This has always been a turn on for me.


    Why the fuck am I so soft down there.


    Shit.

 Chapter 89 - Worry.

    Patrick.


    He fucking left me here alone.


    From the beginning, I knew this was a bad idea. Coming here with him and acting like we were friends. There is nothing going on between us, the fact that we are even deceiving ourselves is all that keeps bothering me.


    I told him I wanted to go home and he chose to leave me here all on my own. Francis is talking but I am not even paying attention to him. I am spaced out. I saw him leave through the exit with that girl. I saw the kiss, as he grabbed her and pulled her closer. How his hand fit perfectly in the small of her back, the way he held her.


    The right way it is supposed to be between a man and a woman. The one that comes without any complications. It hurt, to see him walk away from me and not be able to say anything. I don''t even want to be here any longer. I just want to go to bed and accept my fate. The fact that I will forever be alone.


    I have come to terms with it. I don''t expect anything anymore. I don''t wish for more for myself. Tonight, was just a fail. Jack misleading me unknown to him. I thought there was a chance that he felt the same way. I wished he''d only want to spend time with me.


    Now all I have is regrets.


    ''''You know, you shouldn''t be so hung up on him. try and move on,'''' Francis brings me out of my daze with those words.


    Try and move on.


    He is talking like he has a fucking clue. He doesn''t know anything about my life. So he has no right to tell me what to do.


    ''''it is not your business. You don''t have to linger anymore. I am fine on my own now,'''' I tell him completely over this outing. I know I am giving him a lot of attitude especially when he is trying to keep me company. All he has done is help me. At least with Francis, I don''t feel so alone in this club. Jack just left me and that was like a reminder. I am nothing to him, no matter how much I try to push to be anything, I will never be.


    ''''I am sorry. I guess I am imposing. I don''t mean to be so controlling. I just saw you and there was a pull. Do you want to try and have a good time with me? maybe forget about him?''''


    I stand up from the stool. He seems like a great guy. If things were different, I might give him a chance but that is not what I want. I don''t want to forget about Jack by moving on to someone else. This is not what I need. I just need to go home.


    ''''I am sorry. I need to leave,'''' I tell him as I drop a twenty for the bartender for my drink. Francis stands up as I head to the direction of the exit.


    ''''This didn''t go as I wanted it to. Can I have your number? Maybe I can call you, and we can hang out sometime?''''


    I don''t want to give him my number. I haven''t even looked at him closely. ''''Do you really think that is a good idea, after how tonight went?'''' I ask him. he has to know that I am not interested. I have been pushing him away since he started talking to me. he should really take a hint.


    ''''Please. You never know,'''' he raises a brow as a way to try to convince me.


    At this point, all I want to do is leave. If giving him my number will make him leave me alone. Then that is what I will do.


    ''''Sure,'''' he passes his phone to me with a bright smile. The thought that he could be so happy from collecting my number is so confusing to me. This man doesn''t know me. He shouldn''t be that giddy from a number.


    I give him back my phone and he finally lets me go. I walk out of the building and as the cold air hits me, I close my eyes as I try to take all that has happened in. tonight was a complete fail. I only ended up hurting myself by going out with him.


    Thinking about it, what was the purpose. What did I really think would happen? Jack is in denial, he chose to leave tonight with a girl. Intentionally avoiding that other part of him.


    I am not saying I have completely accepted myself. I didn''t ever really think of myself as gay until Lance but I am willing to explore it all. Find out who I really am. Jack is denying it all.


    I call an uber and get to the apartment in about thirty minutes. I don''t send him a message. I don''t tell him that I have left the club. The fact that he left without even a word makes me feel like he deserves the silence from. We went there together but he left with someone else. Not even explaining shit to me.


    I know it wasn''t a date and we both had people we were with. I chose to have that drink with Francis because I didn''t want to have to watch him be happy with the girl he was with.


    Tonight is just filled with regrets that I can''t take back.


    I get to my apartment and take off all my clothes hurriedly. A shower and ice cream is the only thing that can help me feel better right now. It feels like my heart has been broken. That final silhouette of his back to me as he left the club is heart-breaking.


    I know what is going to happen. They will have sex; he will have sex with someone that isn''t me.


    I think that is the most painful thing about this night. I hate that he is going to be with someone else. I wish that he was with me right now. I wish he wanted me.


    I don''t want to be his friend.


    After my shower, I put on a pair of boxers and head to the kitchen. I grab the ice cream from my freezer with all the hopes on getting the sugar high that will make me forget this night. I don''t want to even think about this night when I wake up in the morning.


    I sit on the couch with the tub of ice cream, turning on the television in the process. The series called The Office is showing, so I settle on that as I eat my icecream. This is pathetic of me but it is the only thing I can do until I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.


    ********************


    I hear a loud knock on my door. It feels like I am in a dream state. I jump off from the couch as the knocking gets louder. The ice cream on my lap has melted. Looking at the clock on the wall, I see that it is one in the morning. I sat on this couch at twelve, so I have been asleep for just an hour. Why does it feel like I''ve been asleep all night?


    I drop the ice cream on the table and switch off the tv. The knocking continues and even though I don''t know who it is, I have an idea.


    ''''Trick, open the door,'''' I hear his voice through the door.


    Why is he here?


    Yeah, I remember leaving him last night. I didn''t even send a message to explain that I would be going home.


    He must be pissed.


    I walk over to the door and grip the handle with a turn. His face is the first thing I see, there is a worry in his eyes, maybe a little bit ofo remorse. Why is he so worried.


    ''''I have been calling you,'''' he forces his way into my apartment.


    I close the door and my eyes roam around for my phone. I didn''t even hear it ring. Maybe its on silent.


    ''''I fell asleep,'''' I manage groggily.


    I don''t even know what is going on. He is supposed to be with the girl he left with last night. why is he suddenly looking for me?


    ''''I got back to the club and you weren''t there,'''' he whines.


    I furrow a brow ''''You left without even saying a word. Does it matter what happens to me after?''''


    All the pent up anger that I have been keeping inside, choose to come out at this moment. I don''t want to talk to him about anything and I don''t even need to explain myself to him.


    ''''I went a couple of blocks down. You were with that guy and I was worried sick. I thought something had happened to you,'''' he moves closer to me and I watch him unsure of what to say.


    ''''Well, I am fine.''''


    He sighs ''''Are you upset about something?''''


    He cannot even tell. He doesn''t think he has done anything wrong. This might be an overreaction on my part but I can''t help myself.


    ''''It''s late Jack, why don''t you just go home.''''


    I walk over to the door and he raises a brow. This is what I have decided. I don''t want to think about him, I don''t want to be hopeful when it comes to him.


    He walks out the door and I watch him.


    ''''Can I call you tomorrow?'''' he asks.


    I manage a faint nod before closing the door.


    This is for the best.

 Chapter 90 - Write A New Story With You

    Jack.


    He is pissed at me.


    I don''t know Trick well enough, but I know when he is upset and right now he is upset with me. yes, I am a selfish motherfucker. I did leave him at the club without a word but I was trying to figure some shit out.


    Why was I so worried about who he was with?


    All my attention was focused on him.


    I had a very beautiful girl in my bed, and I couldn''t get hard enough to please her. I have never been in that kind of situation before. I blame it all on Patrick. He is getting to my head. I haven''t been able to think about anything but him. that is the only explanation for what happened.


    I tried calling him numerous times. I was worried about him and suddenly I had regrets. I shouldn''t have left him alone at the club. He was with a strange guy, frankly the guy I left him with looked like a creep.


    After worrying and searching for him, I came back to the apartment and he was asleep. He actually left the club without mentioning anything to me. I didn''t even have enough time to be pissed. This was all my fault to being with and the relief I got from seeing him with sleepy eyes and bed hair was everything.


    Now he is angry with me.


    I can tell that much but I don''t even know what I did. I wish I could understand why he is so upset.


    I stand in front of his door, contemplating if I should try again. He said I could call him tomorrow but I am not ready to say goodnight to him. I don''t want to leave with him upset.


    Patrick is crawling into a quiet place in my heart and he doesn''t even know it. I raise my hand, taking a deep breath. There are two ways this could go.


    1. He will welcome me into his apartment and listen to what I have to say. I mean I understand that I left him tonight but I could see that he was with someone. That was the purpose of our hangout in the first place.


    2. He will shut the door on my face.


    I wish it is the latter because I actually want to be with him tonight. Dad is still home. This is the longest he has spent at the apartment. Usually, by now, he would''ve disappeared.


    I could always go to Lance''s apartment but I found out that I actually like spending time with Trick.


    I knock on his door again and this time he opens it faster than the first time. The look on his face makes it seem like he was actually expecting me back. He told me to leave but he didn''t really want me to leave. Why do people hide what they really want?


    Here I am complaining and I am doing the same thing. I want to talk to him about what happened today. the fact that I was in bed with someone and all I could think about was how his eyes light up when he smiles.


    ''''You didn''t leave,'''' he breathes out.


    I nod.


    ''''You are upset with me.''''


    I actually want him to tell me the truth. Whatever he is feeling. I don''t want to assume. I want him to open up to me. that is the only way this friendship between us will actually work.


    ''''You left me,'''' he finally admits.


    That is the honesty I was looking for. What I did was not cool. I was going through some shit mentally. Trying to figure out my emotions and my jealousy got the better of me. I want to tell him how I hated seeing him with that guy. How I wanted to take him away from the club and keep him to myself.


    Those are the things I should be saying but I am too much of a coward to say all those things.


    ''''I am sorry,'''' I settle for that because an apology makes everything better especially when it is sincere. Right now I am being sincere. I will never leave him again. I take a step towards him. he watches me, unsure of what to do. I don''t even know what I am doing, I just don''t want any distance between us.


    ''''Tonight was a fail. I don''t want to be your wingman,'''' I tell him honestly. From everything that happened tonight, I can say that this was not the best idea. There are emotions, feelings that I am not ready to admit to. The kind that makes me not want to see him flirt with someone else. I don''t know how he felt seeing me with Pearl. I hated seeing him, and I am under the assumption that he didn''t like it either.


    ''''I told you it was a stupid idea,'''' he chuckles nervously to mask his shaking voice.


    I take another step towards him. now we are facing each other at close proximity. I can feel the heat emanating from his body, but I don''t reach for him. I don''t try to touch him. his eyes shift from me and away. This continues for a couple of seconds when all I want is for him to look at me. the scar under his eyes seems very clear when close to him like this. I want to reach out and brush my fingers against it. curious to know how it feels, how he got it in the first place.


    ''''I don''t want to let you go,'''' I confess.


    This is the moment of truth. Maybe if he tells me how he feels. If he wants to kiss me as much as I want to kiss him, I will try to give this a shot. My eyes look away from his scar and they rest on his lips. His lips are pink and full. I bet if I touch them, they will be soft against my touch.


    ''''Me neither.''''


    At this point, I can''t read his mind. I don''t know how he is feeling. Patrick is in love with Lance. those feelings haven''t suddenly disappeared because of me. there is no way that he could switch so fast. whatever he feels for me must be his mind forcing him to move on. He decided to let go of my best friend. I don''t want to be the rebound.


    What am I even thinking?


    I don''t want to be gay.


    I can''t be gay right now.


    I could be gay for Patrick.


    I want to kiss him so badly.


    Shit, what is going on In my head?


    The look he is giving me right now is not helping matters. Tell me what you want Trick. Tell me you want me as much as I want you. That is all I need to hear to send me to the heaven in which you belong.


    I don''t know If this is me conceding to everything. I dint come here to confess to him or to try to convince him to want me. I came here to spend the night. I came here so I didn''t have to be alone and right now, he is the only one I want to be alone with. It used to be Lance. I''d always find a way to be with him. Now, I don''t want to leave this apartment, even if I end up sleeping on the couch.


    ''''So what do we do now?'''' I move even closer, my body is doing this on its own. I don''t know what I intend to do with all this closeness but I just want to feel him.


    Touch him.


    He closes his eyes and I fulfil my wish as I brush my index finger against the scar. It is bumpy and very rough. Totally not what I was expecting. He keeps his eyes closed as I move my finger all over it. I don''t even know what I am doing. What is so great about touching a scar. There is nothing special but this feels like the most intimate I have ever been with anyone. My hand moves away from his scar and he opens his eyes, almost like he was waiting for me to stop touching it. it never seemed like he was insecure about the scar, I always thought he wore it so well, like a battle scar but now, I see the pain in his eyes.


    There is more to his story.


    The story that I want to explore.


    I want to finish it and then write a new one with him. At this moment, that is the crazy thought running through my mind. maybe I will regret this in the morning. I might wake up tomorrow and feel awkward about everything that is happening.


    My hand cups his face as a tear falls to my hand. That is the pain I am talking about. The one that I want to get rid of. I only want to see him smile.


    Sadness shouldn''t even be in his dictionary.


    ''''Can I spend the night?''''

 Chapter 91 - Opposites Attract

    Lance.


    I hate this bitch.


    God, I have never been one to hate anyone but with the smug expression she is giving me right now, I just want to pull out all the strands of hair on her head. she knows what she is doing.


    Where the fuck is Ford.


    He left me and went with Carla and now I am the one that is left to engage in a friendly conversation with Lisa the witch. That is what I am going to call her now. The name is befitting to the kind of person she is. He leg brushes against mine as he sips the red solo cup in her grip. Her hair is let down and if she wasn''t my rival, I would say she looks very pretty tonight.


    ''''So where is your boyfriend¡ªuh sorry I meant brother,'''' she drawls out the word almost like a reminder to me. she didn''t make that mistake, I can bet my whole life that she called him by boyfriend intentionally. Everyone in the room seems to be engrossed in separate conversations. The only person that is even paying attention is Dylan who is on the other side of the couch next to me.


    He raises a brow in question. I shake my head at him because I don''t want him to say anything. Lisa is the kind of person that feeds off attention. If we give her what she wants, she will only get stronger. I want to clip her evil wings off. I don''t want to talk to her at all.


    ''''I need a drink, where the fuck is Brad,'''' I call him by the name everyone calls him.


    Dylan stands up from the couch and Lisa watches us curiously ''''I can show you the kitchen. Where the drinks are and then we can find Brad,'''' he suggests and I take him up on his offer because I want to be away from this place. Lisa near me is a disaster waiting to happen, especially now that she knows about us.


    ''''Thanks,'''' I tell him as we walk out of the living room together. I can feel Lisa''s eyes on me as I leave. I am already glad to be away from her.


    ''''What is the deal with you guys?'''' Dylan asks me immediately.


    I know he noticed. I saw the look on his face when she mentioned the whole boyfriend thing.


    ''''There is nothing between us,'''' I tell him immediately.


    He scoffs and It is so loud that I hear the disbelief in his voice. We walk down the stairs, struggling to get through as the crowd in this place is just ridiculous.


    ''''I am sure you have already seen the bitchy side to Lisa. It seems like you guys don''t get along, even though she is almost like Brad''s family.''''


    It seems like Dylan knows a lot about Ford.


    ''''I don''t know. I haven''t really had any reason to talk to her. She is basically inconsequential to me.'''' I brush it off because I don''t want him to be suspicious of anything. Ford will not even like it if he finds out that I am talking to his friends about anything. He kept these people from me, so there must be a reason why.


    ''''Inconsequential you say?'''' he mutters. I nod and he adds ''''Everyone seems to think they will eventually get married and have a million babies. Lisa seems like the type to tie her man down.''''


    I don''t know why he is telling me all this. The only thing this conversation is doing to be is breaking my heart. I know this is what his father wants. He keeps pushing them together, to the point where Lisa herself is not letting him go. Ford is not fighting her off, he is letting her stick to him.


    I don''t know how to claim him, I really don''t know what to do to keep him all to myself.


    ''''I don''t think Brad actually has any feelings for her. We are all even surprised he even came to this party. He usually tends to avoid school gatherings.''''


    To me, Dylan is talking a lot. I don''t like the fact that he is assuming a lot of things that he doesn''t even know anything about. I just want to find Ford and get out of here. I wanted to meet his friends. See the kinds of people they are but right now, not so much anymore. These people are not really his friends. They are just people that add to his fa?ade. He needs them to be the person everyone perceives him to be.


    Ford is not the guy they all make him out to be. He is kind, goofy. He doesn''t care about money, the best clothes. He doesn''t live the same lifestyle they all do. he is a very simple guy. The person I fell in love with and all these people at this party have no clue.


    ''''There he is,'''' Dylan points to my boyfriend.


    He is by a table in the kitchen, two bottles of beer in his grip, there is a smile on his face. I can already tell that it is fake. This is not the same one he carries on his face when he is genuinely happy. The one he gives me whenever we are together. Carla says something to him, and he laughs.


    He looks up and his eyes meet mine immediately. The real smile that I desperately crave crawls to his face as he watches me. No one is paying attention to him right now, they all seem to be engrossed in the conversation. His white teeth shine through the smile. I want to walk up to him and kiss him, I want to steal him away from these people. assure him that he never has to pretend again. That he can just be who he is with me.


    I can''t do all that because we are a secret.


    I cant show him how much I love him because I could lose him at the end. My phone rings in my pocket ''''Are you gonna get that?'''' Dylan asks me which makes me look away from Ford.


    I reach for my phone and my mother''s picture flashes in the screen. She is calling me on facetime. I haven''t spoken to her since she went on her honeymoon. Ford has been able to feel the void that she left.


    I look up and he is still watching me, but the smile on his face has vanished. I raise my phone up to explain and he nods. ''''I have to take this,'''' I tell Dylan who just nods as I walk out of the house.


    I get to a corner in the backyard that is quiet enough for me to answer the call. Her face comes into view ''''My baby,'''' she screams into the phone.


    I roll my eyes ''''Wow, so you even remember that you have a son?'''' I accuse her sarcastically.


    ''''How can I ever forget my most precious gem,'''' she pouts her lips.


    She is in a hotel room from the background. ''''Why are you calling so late?'''' I ask her.


    She raises a brow ''''I missed my son. Sue me for missing you, mister.'''' She strains her eyes ''''Where are you right now? It doesn''t seem like you are home?''''


    ''''At a party,'''' I tell her honestly. There is no hiding anything from her. I always chose the honest approach with her. My secret with Ford is the only thing I have ever kept from her.


    ''''With who? I haven''t spoken to Jack in a while. Is he with you? I miss the kid.'''' She rambles.


    ''''I didn''t come with Jack. Ford had a game today. we are celebrating his victory,'''' I explain.


    ''''Oh, you guys are really close. Most times I can''t even believe it.''''


    I furrow my brows ''''Why not?''''


    I want to know what she is thinking of when she sees us together. How does she feel about it?


    ''''You are complete opposites. He is so in his head and you are out of yours.''''


    Her words don''t make any sense.


    ''''Well, opposites attract,'''' I tell her.


    She sighs ''''If we weren''t a family I would think there was something inappropriate going on between you guys,'''' she says it jokingly but my heart freezes in my chest.


    ''''Ha, now you are being ridiculous,'''' I deny it immediately. I can''t be giving her any ideas right now. She might be chill saying it all as a joke but she will never accept it.


    ''''Yeah, it is ridiculous. Don''t mind me, I am just still in my honeymoon phase.''''


    ''''I have to go, mom, I can''t be on the phone with my mother at a high school party,'''' I tell her before I hang up. I rest my back on the concrete wall as I try to steady my breath.


    The fact that she even thought about it terrifies me. I am not ready to be found out.


    I don''t want to lose him yet.


    ''''Hello Lance,'''' I look up as Lisa walks up to me with an evil smile plastered on her face.


    I don''t want to deal with this right now.


    Fuck.

 Chapter 92 - Blackmail

    Lance.


    ''''I don''t have anything to say to you,'''' I try to push past her, but she grabs my arm in an attempt to stop me.


    ''''I just want to talk. Hear me out first,'''' she smiles. This smile to me is so evil because I know she is up to no good. This girl is not a friend, she is my number one enemy because she wants to take the one person that matters the most to me away from me.


    ''''What do you want?'''' I roll my eyes.


    Her eyes roam around where she is. It seems like she is up to something, there is too much excitement in her eyes. ''''I warned you the last time. He is sick. What you are doing to him is wrong?''''


    There we go, she is talking about Ford. She said he didn''t really love me the last time we talked. That he was having another manic episode and whatever was going on with me was a phase. I don''t believe her. I have been researching on his disorder.


    I know that he is not going through a phase with me. he genuinely loves me, and she is trying to put ideas in my head. she wants Ford for herself and she thinks she can manipulate me into thinking he doesn''t love me.


    ''''It is none of your business. Even if this is just a phase, I want to explore it with him. why is it your concern?'''' I ask her. I don''t want to prolong this conversation. I want this to stick to her thick skull. She needs to back the fuck off.


    ''''he is my boyfriend. This is my business.''''


    Lisa is the only one that thinks she is in a relationship with Ford. How can you be in a relationship with someone that doesn''t accept you?


    I think she is the delusional one, but I don''t say it.


    ''''Then speak to your boyfriend. Why are you talking to me about your relationship?''''


    Her eyes open wide. I can see that she is thinking of the next thing to say. Come on, let''s do this fucking back and forth that you want. I will stay here all day and fight for what is mine if that is what she wants.


    ''''What if I talk to his dad, I think that would be the solution,'''' she smiles finally getting a comeback.


    I raise a brow; I mean she is fucking bluffing right now. If she wanted to tell John, she would''ve already. She doesn''t want to be the one to break it to him. she is not willing to hurt Ford yet.


    ''''Do it, let''s see if he will believe you. Do you know how insane you will look? Just ridiculous if you don''t mind me saying,'''' I fold my arms across my chest, calling her bluff.


    Her smile widens.


    ''''I have proof though,'''' she raises a brow waiting for my next move.


    I can''t tell If she is being serious right now. What proof could she have? The only thing I can think of is today. we had sex in the showers of his locker room. It was an open space; anyone could''ve seen us, and we wouldn''t have even known.


    Oh shit.


    ''''I see you know what I am talking about,'''' she retorts excitedly.


    Fuck.


    I don''t know what to say. There is a possibility that she has something. Thinking about it, Lisa could be desperate enough. She could have taken a picture and now she has enough to get us to do whatever she wants us to do.


    ''''Why can''t you just back the fuck off. He doesn''t love you. Let him go and accept defeat.''''


    I have no comebacks. I don''t know what to say to talk sense into her. It looks like she has won this round.


    She grabs her phone from the little purse around her and unlocks it. I don''t know what she wants to show me but I wait as she scrolls through her phone ''''You call this love?'''' she asks me pointing her phone in my face. I was right all along. That private moment we shared in such a public place, she has it recorded.


    What is the point of showing me?


    I look at the video and it is obvious what we are doing. There is no denying this and the minute she shares this with John, we will be in big trouble. She has all the power at this moment. If Ford finds out about this, he will spiral. He will not be able to handle this.


    ''''what do you want from me,'''' I ask her, desperate for a solution.


    ''''I told you before. Leave him alone. Brad doesn''t need you in his life clouding his judgement. You are not good for him.''''


    I guess she is saying she is the only one that is good enough for him. the fact that we can''t even really be together because of all the obstacles says it all. This is a lot harder than I thought it would be and now I don''t know what to do. I don''t want to give up on him. I love him too much to let him go. There has been so much fighting. I had to convince him, it took a lot from me and she wants me to let him go now?


    How is this fair?


    ''''What you are asking is impossible,'''' I tell her honestly.


    There is no way I will leave him, and he will just let me go easily. Not after everything we have been through. He will want to fight; he will not just let go.


    ''''Tell him you don''t love him.''''


    ''''I can''t lie to him.''''


    She smiles ''''Do you want this to get out,'''' she waves the phone in my face. this is the kind of blackmail I never thought I would experience. This is all happening because of me. He wasn''t comfortable with me being in the shower with him and I took the risk. I fucking ruined things because of my stupidity.


    ''''He will never be with you. Even though I am not in the picture. He will never choose you.''''


    That is the honest truth. Ford doesn''t love her, he doesn''t even see her in that light. He is gay. He will always be gay and she is just the wrong gender.


    ''''I rather he be alone that happy with you,'''' she concedes, the vilest logic I have ever heard.


    How can someone be this heartless?


    ''''Please, please don''t do this.''''


    I stoop to begging. Maybe if I beg enough, she will listen to me and let us be. it is such a fucking long shot. People like Lisa always want what they want and somehow Ford is what she wants. She looks like the kind of person that will do whatever it takes.


    ''''I am sorry Lance. this is really not about you. I don''t have any problems with you.''''


    Her words contradict her actions.


    ''''Brad is not a faggot like you. He is sick and that is why he is doing all this. once he consistently takes his medicine, he will get over this phase.''''


    She uses that word.


    The hate spews out of her mouth like bullets ready for a kill.


    What kind of human being will use that word? I have never hated any word as much as that word. My heart races in my chest from all the anger within me. there is a blank expression on her face, almost like she doesn''t even realise what she just said.


    I cannot let her win.


    ''''Fine, you win. You can have him to yourself. I will back off,'''' I tell her what she wants to hear.


    This is not about her. Like I said before Lisa is inconsequential to my story with Ford. She means nothing and if she chooses to be the villain. Then I will treat her like a villain. I will not let her win this battle. The world is full of hate. People are afraid of what they don''t understand, what they haven''t experienced and they turn that fear into hate. Just like she is doing right now.


    If the world tells me that being with another man is wrong, then I will flaunt it to the world, show them how fucking happy I can be with what they think is so wrong.


    If they tell me I don''t deserve to be happy, that this is a sin. Then I will pray to God to forgive their hate. Show them that I am different, I will not treat them the same way they treat me.


    If Lisa thinks she is going to break us apart, if she thinks she is going to have him even though that is not what he wants, then I will show her that he is mine.


    I will hold unto him.


    I will never let go of him.


    ''''Glad you are back to your senses. I hope we don''t have a problem. You know what will happen if we do,'''' she waves the phone again.


    I manage a smile.


    Even though I am ready for war.

 Chapter 93 - Honesty.

    Lance.


    I go back into the house and it takes me a while to find Ford. I want to leave, at the end of it all, going for his game was a mistake. I want to win this fight but I don''t know how I am going to win.


    Ford smiles when he sees me. the beer bottle still in his grip. He hasn''t drank anything from the bottle, maybe he is pretending again. He said he was done drinking. Maybe he doesn''t want people to ask questions, so he is pretending to be drinking.


    ''''Hi,'''' he smiles as I walk closer to him.


    ''''I want to leave,'''' I tell him blatantly.


    He furrows his brows in confusion, now reading my expression. He can tell that something is wrong. I am going to tell him what happened. There is no hiding this from him. the only way I can win this fight is with him. I am don''t fighting my battles alone. That is why I have him in my life. he can be the shoulder I lean on.


    I am not alone anymore.


    ???''What is wrong?'''' he grabs my arm gently and leads me out of the massive living room. We keep walking until we get outside. This is where I was before. This is where Lisa found me.


    ''''We can''t talk about it here; can we go home?'''' I ask him with the hope that he doesn''t question this.


    ''''Sure, let me just say goodbye to everyone.'''' He says grabbing my arm softly. I don''t want to go back inside. Everything that has happened is too much to handle. I just want to be rid of this party and back home.


    ''''Can I wait in the car?''''


    He nods ''''Let me walk you the car,'''' he suggests but I shake my head.


    ''''Just go say your goodbyes, I''ll take the key and wait for you,'''' I tell him because the longer I spend in this house, the more I think about everything. I am so upset with myself right now. This is all my fault and my sense of reasoning is starting to kick in. there is no one to blame but me.


    I just need to figure out a way to fix this.


    I go to the car in the driveway and enter the passenger seat and grab my phone, I dial Jack immediately because I need to talk to someone and he is the only one I want to talk to about this. I need advice on how I should handle this situation.


    Jack answers after a couple of rings ''''Dude, you straight?'''' He mutters immediately, already going into worry friend mode.


    ''''Yeah, can you talk?''''


    ''''Yeah, I''m with Trick,'''' he announces like that is not a surprising thing to say. If things were not crazy right now, I would be hammering on the fact that he has already given Patrick a nickname. Their love is blossoming and I don''t think he even has a clue.


    ''''At his house?''''


    I know it is pretty late to be calling him. it is already after one in the morning. I don''t even understand why we are not even home yet. I just want to crawl into bed and hold Ford so tight that I will never be able to let go of him.


    ''''Yeah, I am spending the night,'''' he explains so casually, I don''t even think he realises how it sounds. He is spending the night in Patrick''s place even though he told me they are just friends, it seems like there is more to this but I cant think about that right now.


    ''''I messed up,'''' I admit changing the topic.


    ''''Is he still upset with you for missing the game?''''


    I shake my head even though he can''t see me ''''I kinda did something and now Lisa has a video of us.''''


    He sighs ''''What kind of video?''''


    I know he is already thinking in that direction.


    There is only one way this can go and I have taken it there. I have a sex tape with my boyfriend/stepbrother, on school grounds. That is probably the worst thing that could possibly happen right now. Things were going so well, we were in a good place.


    ''''A sex video.''''


    He groans into the phone ''''Fucking hell Lance, how did that happen?''''


    He is not trying to blame me, he genuinely wants to know the full details but I am already feeling a lot worse. Saying this out loud makes it even worse. I can''t help but blame myself.


    ''''I kinda went into the locker room to look for him. he was in the showers and one thing led to the other. Somehow she saw us and took a video of the moment.''''


    He sighs loudly ''''What the fuck does she want?''''


    ''''she wants me to back off. Leave him alone.''''


    ''''Do you intend to do that?'''' he questions.


    ''''I can''t let him go. If I do that, then all this would be for nothing.''''


    That is my biggest fear. I want to fight for ford until the end. Giving in to Lisa''s demand means she wins and I don''t want to let her win. I want to love him until we are old and grey. I don''t want to let him slip out of my fingers. He is mine and I will keep fighting until we win.


    ''''What are we going to do?'''' he asks and I feel encouraged by the fact that he said ''we''. That means he is in this with me and that is all I need. Not fighting this battle alone.


    ''''I don''t know.''''


    ''''Does Ford know, you need to tell him about this if you haven''t. maybe he can find a way to get that bitch to back off.''


    That is what I am doing. Even though I don''t know how he is going to handle this. I want him to know about it. I need him on this with me. I have been telling him that he can trust me, that all I need from his is his love and honesty. This will be me practising what I preach.


    ''''I plan on telling him when I get home.''''


    ''''I don''t have the solution for this right now. Fuck, I don''t know what to say to make you feel better. Talk to your man and find out what the fuck you are going to do to get that bitch off your back. I mean this is fucking insane. How hard is it to take no for a fucking answer,'''' he shouts into the phone?


    I can tell he is frustrated. That wasn''t my plan. I just needed someone other than Ford to talk to about this. I know Jack doesn''t have the answers to this. if he was in my shoes, I don''t even know what he will do.


    I see Ford as he walks back to the car. ''''I gotta go, man, I will talk to you tomorrow.''''


    I end the call just as he enters the car. He grabs the steering wheel and from my side-eye, I see him watch me. he is worried about me. I don''t want him to be worried.


    ''''Let''s get you home,'''' he mutters softly.


    The drive to the house is quiet. This is all Lisa''s fault. I don''t know what to say. I am lost in thought. Thinking of how I plan to come out and tell him all that has happened. It has to be tonight because I agreed with her that I will be ending things with him tonight.


    She needs to think I have ended things.


    Ford parks the car in the garage of the house. I take a deep breath as I wait for him to get down from the car. I feel him watch me, curiosity in his eyes.


    ''''Talk baby.''''


    I focus my attention on him. his cheeks are flushed. His eyes are tired. Today must have been really stressful for him. now I am planning on adding more stress to him.


    ''''Lisa has a video of us having sex.''''


    I say those words. It is straight forward. No beating around the bush. I don''t want to sugarcoat things. He needs to know and this is the only way I can tell him. I watch his expression change. The shock is now evident in his tired eyes. His breathing spikes up. Suddenly heavier than it was just a second ago. I wait for him for what feels like a lifetime to speak but he doesn''t.


    I understand how he feels.


    Ford has always had this fear of being found out and thanks to me I have jeopardized everything he has worked so hard to keep hidden.


    ''''say something please,'''' I beg desperately to hear his voice assuring me.


    He shakes his head, unable to speak to me. I don''t know what to say to get him back to me. he is not talking to me, I need him to say something. Anything to let me know that he is okay.


    ''''Go inside,'''' I finally hear his voice but it is cold and detached.


    ''''Babe, let''s¡ª'''' he cuts me off before I can even complete my sentence ''''Now Lance.'''' his tone is final. There is no arguing with him.


    I get down from the car and he reverses the car out of the driveway and speeds away from the house.


    I don''t know what he intends to do but I don''t think it will be anything good.


    Shit.

 Chapter 94 - I Will Never Be Yours

    Ford.


    Where am I even going?


    I don''t know what I intend to do when I get to the party. Do I just confront her? Tell her to delete the picture or else?


    Lisa has gone too far.


    She has always been clingy. I didn''t have any reasons to bother with her but now her behaviour is affecting my relationship. Anyone that becomes a threat to Lance is a threat to me. I didn''t even let him tell me the whole story. I know how it went.


    I can just imagine her demands.


    She probably asked him to stay away from me¡ªmaybe break up with me or something, knowing full well that it would affect me in a not so good way. Iw ould spiral if Lance ever left me. I cannot handle a life where he is not in it. at this point I will take losing my family if I could have him. we have to escape. That is the only way my dad won''t do anything to us.


    He will never accept this.


    He will find a way to make me disappear.


    That is the only reason why I have chosen keeping this a secret. I don''t like the fact that I cannot embrace him in public. I don''t like calling him my stepbrother. I have endured all that because being with him is better than not being with him at all. I will not let her take him away from me.


    No matter what it takes.


    I drive back to Nate''s house. The party is still bubbling. I doubt they will shut this down till the morning. This is how these parties usually go. I grab my phone from the console and dial her number immediately. I don''t plan on looking for her at all. I just want to set things straight.


    ''''Hey, I thought you left,'''' she answers my call immediately, her voice so chirpy. Almost like she has forgotten that she just tried to blackmail my boyfriend.


    ''''Can you come outside right now,'''' my voice is firm. I don''t plan on speaking to her nicely. I need to let her know that I won''t tolerate all this. Lisa is supposed to be my friend. we have been friends since we were kids. Now she is acting like I am nothing to her.


    I get down from the car and wait for her at the front entrance of the house. There are people in the compound. Everyone is drunk and in the party mood. I don''t feel like celebrating, I didn''t even feel like coming for this party but I knew Lance wanted to come. Maybe if I didn''t pester him to come for my game, all this wouldn''t be happening.


    Fuck, I shouldn''t be thinking like that. I don''t plan on blaming him for all that has happened. We were bound to be found out eventually. Secrets tend to come out, no matter how good you cover your tracks.


    I see her immediately she walks out the door and a smile spreads on her face. the genuineness of her happiness to see me. this is what has me confused. She is happy to see me, she wants to spend time with me. She likes me. So why the fuck is she trying to ruin my relationship.


    ''''You came back,'''' she wraps her arms around me without my consent. I grab her waist to push her off me. I am too pissed to even embrace her. She doesn''t seem to even care that she has done something wrong today. it is almost like she doesn''t believe I could find out about it.


    ''''Stop the bullshit, Lisa.''''


    I succeed in pushing her off me and she has a confused expression on her face ''''what is wrong?'''' she asks me innocently.


    She is acting too innocent and it is just pissing me off more.


    ''''Where is the video?'''' I go straight to the point. A flash of recognition springs up to her face suddenly. It is swift and it disappears immediately but I notice it. she knows what I am talking about, but I guess she is going to act like she doesn''t.


    ''''What video?'''' she asks.


    I roll my eyes, getting even more pissed ''''You know what the fuck I am talking about. The video of me and my boyfriend.''''


    She opens her eyes wide from the revelation. I just admitted to her that Lance is my boyfriend. I will not deny him any longer, especially to someone like Lisa. ''''I don''t have any video,'''' she denies it instantly.


    ''''I know you are lying. Give me your phone right now. Why the fuck will you record such a thing?''''


    I grab her bag from around her arm and she tries to get a hold of it but I am too quick for her. I have a mission. My mission is to get her to delete the video. There is no talking any sense to her.


    I don''t know how it will even stick in the first place. She is fucking crazy.


    I bring out her phone from her bag and sure enough, it is locked. I don''t know what I was expecting. It couldn''t have been that easy.


    ''''You can''t do this Brad. I haven''t done anything, and you are treating me like a fucking criminal,'''' she cries and it is almost believable but the only person I trust and believe is Lance.


    I will believe him even if all the evidence showed otherwise.


    ''''Why are you lying?''''


    She runs her hands through her hair pushing it back ''''I am not lying. I don''t know what he told you, but it is not the truth.''''


    She decides to continue her lies. I cannot leave her without getting to the bottom of this.


    ''''We are not together. There will never be anything between me and you Lisa. I don''t care that my father has made you think you are somehow relevant, but you are not. Why won''t you just leave me be?''''


    I am being mean.


    I want to push her away. Let her see that I am no prize. There is nothing special about me, so I can''t understand why she won''t just let me go. I look at her, for something. I want her to be angry, I want her to show her true colours. tell me the truth for once in her life.


    ''''You are very mean Brad,'''' she cries. I see the tears in her eyes as they well up. There is no sincerity in her eyes. This is all an act. I have known her too long to believe this sob fest.


    ''''Cut the crap,'''' I tell her.


    A smile creeps up to her face. the true expression she should''ve carried, instead of the manipulation, she was going for. I know my words won''t get to her. Lisa is a manipulator.


    ''''You know, you guys are the most stupid people I have ever seen. How could you do that at school, knowing that you wanted to be a secret?''''


    She is right.


    We made a mistake.


    That shouldn''t have happened but what''s done is done. I don''t regret it because that only brought us closer.


    ''''So, you admit it now?''''


    She nods and then crosses her arms over her chest. Her eyes roam around my face. she is trying to get a reaction from me. she wants this to hurt.


    ''''I don''t care about it. if you choose to show that to my father,'''' I am lying right now. I don''t want her to show it to him but if she chooses to do this, then I will take the consequences.


    ''''You know what he will do?''''


    The fact that she knows the man I call my father and the things that he can do but still wants to use this against me just shows that she actually never loved me.


    This is just a power trip for her.


    ''''I don''t care Lisa. I love Lance. I will fight for him no matter what,'''' I tell her because that is the only thing I can do. Bad things are about to happen. .the moment that tape gets to him, I am finished.


    I will need to leave before he ever gets a hold of the video. I have to go somewhere far away, where he can''t find me.


    ''''Who are you lying to, I have been your best friend for ten years. There is no way you will let him see the tape.''''


    ''''It is not up to me. The ball is in your court. I don''t know what you told Lance but I won''t agree to your demands.''''


    She laughs ''''Even if you end up losing him either way?''''


    I don''t plan on losing him but I don''t tell her that. ''''Delete the video, Lisa. We have too much history and you want to throw it all away for your own selfishness?''''


    ''''I only want you. I will not let him have you if I can''t have you.''''


    As usual, she is selfish.


    Lisa is the most selfish person I have ever met.


    ''''You will never have me. I will never be yours.'''' I take a step away from her and toss her phone to the ground. Hoping it smashes. I see her run to pick it up before I walk away from her.


    There is nothing more to say to her.

 Chapter 95 - Sleep Over

    Patrick.


    ''''Do you want to take the couch?'''' I ask him in hopes that he suggests staying in my room. We have already had sex, there is nothing I am afraid of with him. there are no boundaries that haven''t already been crossed.


    I agreed to let him spend the night and I want him to be in my arms. It is a weird craving but I keep thinking about it.


    ''''Yeah sure, can I have a shower?'''' he asks.


    I sense the nervousness coming out of him. I am nervous too but I think I am hiding it off pretty well. We had a weird moment earlier. He does a lot of weird things that confuse the fuck out of me. half the time I don''t even know what he is thinking.


    I made up my mind to let go of him. I didn''t want to keep lingering around him and Lance. I think it is pretty clear now that my feelings have shifted. Somehow it is Jack I started to think about, he is the one I want to talk to, I like the redness of his hair. The goofy smile he carries on his face. everything about him has suddenly become perfect in my eyes. I didn''t want this to happen and I am willing to let him go if this is not what he wants but then moments like tonight happen and I can''t tell if he feels the same or not.


    ''''Sure, there are towels under the sink and a spare toothbrush,'''' I lead him to the bathroom.


    He smiles ''''Are you going to bed anytime soon?'''' there is this hopeful expression on his face. I can''t really tell what answer he wants. Tomorrow is Saturday, I don''t have to go to work until noon. I could sleep in if we stayed up a bit.


    ''''Not really.''''


    He nods ''''Will you stay up until I get out?'''' he asks.


    I nod.


    ''''Alright, give me a couple of minutes. I will just have a quick shower,'''' I watch him shut the door gently. My heart is racing right now. he is doing this to me. basically, telling me that he is the one.


    Shit shit shit.


    I walk back to the living room and pull the couch out, it turns to a mini-bed. Comfortable enough for him to sleep on. I wish he''d say he doesn''t want to sleep alone. That is my biggest prayer right now.


    Hopefully, that is answered.


    I hear the water running and use the opportunity to get him a pair of fresh clothes from my closet. I don''t know how to react to all that has happened this week. Last week, Jack hated me, now he is in my apartment having a shower in my bathroom and begging me to stay up with him. in just a short amount of time, a lot has changed.


    I like all the changes.


    I like the new Jack and the way he treats me.


    I like being friends with him.


    The door to the bathroom opens suddenly and I can''t help but swing to the direction. I imagined him wet a lot, like in my head, I thought of the moment I would get to see him fresh out of the shower. All my thoughts cannot be compared. The man in front of me is beautiful and I don''t even think he knows it.


    He has a towel wrapped around his waist. The water dripping from his hair down to his chest, in my brightly lit apartment, glistens, a glossy look settles on him.


    I want to grovel.


    I want to stare at him until my eyes don''t work but I can''t do that. I need to compose myself.


    We are in a good place. Even though I don''t know what that place is. We had a moment earlier and I don''t want to ruin that by being a creep. I watch him as he uses the smaller towel around his neck to dry his hair.


    His hair is darker when wet.


    Noted.


    He walks over to my bed ''''Your bed is big enough for the both of us and it was pretty comfortable the last time I slept over. What do you think about a sleepover?'''' he says still drying his hair.


    I am shaking because I don''t know how to answer him. I can hear him loud and clear but I don''t know the right thing to say.


    ''''You don''t mind right?'''' he asks batting his lashes in a cutesy way.


    I gulp, nervously. He smiles cheekily ''''Come on, I just want to talk. I promise I won''t do anything inappropriate.''''


    I can''t tell him that I want him to be inappropriate. I want him to do all the things he will consider appropriate with me. I feel guilty for even thinking that way.


    ''''s..sure,'''' I manage in a stutter.


    He fistbumps the air and looks around the room, his eyes landing on the clothes I laid out for him ''''Is this for me?'''' he asks picking it up. I nod as he drops his towel to the floor, right in front of me.


    My heart thuds against my chest. There is no shame on his expression as he pulls the shorts over his legs. My eyes dart to his dick. That night resurfacing to my memories.


    I don''t know what he is doing but it seems like that was intentional. He cannot just strip in front of me. I also notice that his eyes never leave mine as he bends down and picks up the towel.


    ''''Should I hang this back?''''


    I shrug because I am speechless right now. I cannot get the image of his dick out of my head. I want to push him down on the bed and have my way with him. I want to do not so innocent things to him and I don''t know how I will survive the whole night with him next to me.


    He walks back to the bathroom and a minute later walks back to the room. He jumps on the bed, rumpling the sheets in the process ''''Come on Trick, join me,'''' he pats the mattress as an invitation to me.


    He is being extremely comfortable with me right now. minutes ago we were both extra emotional and slamming doors, now he wants me to lie down next to him. I shift until I am seated next to him with my head against the headboard. He lies on his back and I can''t help but look at him. he is looking away from me.


    ''''I can''t believe this is happening between us. I hated you last week,'''' he mutters all the thoughts that have been in my mind.


    I smile, he moves until he rests his weight on his elbow, lying down on his side. I see him clearly now.


    ''''I didn''t hate you though.''''


    He scoffs ''''You didn''t like me either,'''' he reminds me.


    ''''Yeah.''''


    With a soft sigh he lays on his back again, this time closing his eyes ''''I am really sorry for leaving you tonight.''''


    He brings it up again even though I am completely over it. I am not upset anymore.


    ''''You don''t have to apologise, just don''t do it again,'''' I lean forward and poke his chest playfully. He opens his eyes instantly and grabs my finger in his hand. My heart stops from that contact because it was unexpected. I didn''t think he would even touch me today.


    ''''You have to promise me that you won''t flirt with anyone,'''' his voice is low as he utters those words.


    I feel chills in my spine. I don''t even know what is happening. He sits up on the bed, still gripping my finger tightly. I don''t want him to let go. I revel in what is happening right now.


    He doesn''t want me to flirt with anyone.


    Does that mean he was jealous?


    ''''You left with a girl,'''' I accuse him.


    He closes his eyes as he moves even closer to me. our legs touch in the comfort of the mattress. I want more from this proximity but I will not demand anything, I won''t make the first move.


    ''''She didn''t do anything for me. no matter how hard I tried, I couldn''t stop thinking about you,'''' I look into his eyes and they are dark and fucking inviting.


    He is inviting me into his orbit and I don''t know if I belong there yet. Things are not clear between us. he is not clear about what he wants. I don''t want to get hurt again but I really want him.


    ''''Just a touch from you is all it takes,'''' he pulls my hand towards him and I feel his dick rise as I settle above the shorts.


    I don''t know what he is doing but I feel him and I know that what this is leading to.


    ''''what are you doing Jack? We said this was not a good idea,'''' I remind him of all the words he has tried to stick into my head.


    He nods, my hand is still on his dick as it throbs.


    ''''I don''t know anymore. I just want you so bad,'''' he cries. I feel the pain in the depths of his voice.


    ''''You have me,'''' I blurt out.

 Chapter 96 - Complete Honesty

    Jack.


    ''''Is Lance okay?'''' Trick asks me with concern etched on his voice.


    I should be jealous that he is asking but I like to think we have gone past Lance and his crush. Yeah, I know there is no way he is over him but he is here with me right now. that has to count for something.


    ''''Yeah, just some issues with Ford,'''' I answer him honestly.


    I have decided to try a new approach with Trick. I want whatever this is to blossom. There is no certainty that there is more to this than what it is right now, but I am hopeful.


    We are next to each other on the bed, nothing happened after my weird ass confession. He is not acting weird, maybe just a little uncomfortable. I can feel the heat emanating from his body. It makes me want to reach out for him and maybe touch him, see how my fingers will feel on his body.


    ''''What are you thinking about?'''' he asks me softly.


    I turn to face him again, his eyes bore into mine. God, he has fucking beautiful eyes. Why am I just noticing now? how have I been so blind to how amazing he is?


    ''''Nothing in particular, what about you?''''


    The conversation we are having is very awkward. Things are weird right now and I know it is because of my sudden confession. We were getting very steamy and then Lance called. Interrupting us, yeah I know he is going through a lot right now but I kind of wished he hadn''t called when he did. Patrick pulled away from me instantly and now I am stuck in my head. thinking about the things I want to do to him but also unsure of it being a good idea. I know that I am attracted to him¡ªfuck, I am so turned on right now and he isn''t even touching me. just from a stare and I am losing my mind.


    ''''I want to kiss you,'''' he breathes out those words shakingly. I see the fear in his eyes, the regret immediately he says those words.


    He is being very brave right now, I want the same thing but I was not even brave enough to say it.


    I move closer to him, he stiffens as my leg presses against his thigh. His eyes are still fixed on mine. He is waiting for my reply. He wants to know if I feel the same way.


    Of course, I feel the same way.


    There are thoughts of the future.


    After we satisfy our hunger for each other, what happens next. I don''t want to wake up and start to overthink. I don''t want to have regrets. I don''t want to hurt him any longer. Somehow Trick has found a wat to crawl into my skin. He is suddenly important to me and I don''t let go of people that are important to me. If I fuck things up after having sex with him tonight, I will never forgive myself.


    ''''I want that too,'''' I breathe out heavily. Saying those words out loud feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. Fuck, it feels so good being honest with him.


    Is this what honesty feels like?


    He brings his face closer to mine, the minty smell of toothpaste whiffs up to my nose. He smells so fucking good. I never imagined a guy smelling sweet, but that is the scent I am getting from him. a hint of vanilla mixed with musk.


    Jesus.


    ''''Can I kiss you?'''' he pleads the desperation lingering in his voice. His eyes are closed, it seems like he is afraid to see me in case I turn him down. I don''t intend on turning him down, not especially when that is all that is on my mind. I want this as much as he does¡ªmaybe even more. He has no idea, I mean he can''t read my mind, so how will he know?


    ''''What If we regret this in the morning,'''' I say it because I want to be transparent in the morning. I am not ready for the commitment that comes with being with him. I want him, I like him, but I am not ready to come out of the closet for him.


    At least not while my father is alive.


    ''''I won''t have any regrets,'''' he shakes his head immediately. His eyes are still closed. I want them to open again. I want to see those beautiful eyes again.


    ''''What if I do?''''


    His eyes shoot open instantly. I see his cheeks redden. I know I have upset him and that wasn''t my intention.


    ''''Oh,'''' he mutters disappointedly, suddenly looking away from me.


    I grab his chin, pulling him to look at me again ''''That''s not what I mean, I want you to understand me.''''


    He furrows his brows ''''I get it, Jack. You don''t see me that way. You don''t have to explain anything,'''' suddenly he pulls away from me and gets up from the bed, walking out of the room. He didn''t even wait for me to explain.


    Shit.


    I jump off the bed and follow him out of the room. He looks up when he notices me and runs into the bathroom, shutting it in my face.


    ''''Trick,'''' I shout through the door.


    I don''t want to hurt him.


    It seems like that is exactly what I just did.


    ''''Open the door,'''' I plead desperate to see his beautiful eyes again. All I hear is silence in the bathroom. He must be so pissed. I don''t think I said anything wrong. I am just trying to be honest with him.


    It is not easy for me to accept this. especially when all I want Is to prove to the one person that shouldn''t matter that I am not this. If I think my father hates me now, he will hate me more when he finds out.


    ''''I can''t be gay right now,'''' I decide to expatiate on my honesty. I need to tell him the truth. I want him to see it the way I feel. He thinks this is about him, this is not about him. Patrick is fucking perfect. Who wouldn''t want to be with him?


    ''''My father will kill me. I mean he will literally kill me if all his assumptions were right. Well, maybe not all his assumptions because he did think I was in love with Lance. he put those fears in my head, made me think It was wrong for me to be that way. Now I can''t be gay because there is nothing right about that man.''''


    I breathe out a heavy breath. This is harder than I thought.


    ''''I don''t want him to be right about this.''''


    I hear the click of the lock and the door opens. He is watching me, standing there and not saying anything. I just bared my soul out to him, I need him to say something before I lose my mind.


    ''''I need words from you,'''' I mutter.


    He remains quiet.


    ''''You can even laugh. Just show me some sort of emotion. Let me know that we are okay?''''


    I am rambling now, desperate for his approval. He might not know this but I never show vulnerability in front of anyone. Even with Camilla, I was cool and collected. Even when we had sex, I didn''t show weakness and she is a great person. With Trick, I want him to see all sides of me. I don''t know what this means but lance is the only one that has been that for me.


    I see him jump and in a moment he is in my arms. His lips smash into mine instantly. I don''t know what is happening right now but I melt into the kiss, carving more from him. he pushes me till my back hits the wall of the living room roughly. Our lips are still meshes together, tongues touching and twirling on his mouth. I deepen the kiss as I try to feel more¡ªeverything that comes from him. I don''t want him to let go, I don''t want this to stop. I want this feeling to last forever. I grab him by his waist, he pushes deeper into me. I feel his dick on my leg. I never thought I would enjoy feeling someone dick as much as I do with Trick. He is hard and ready for me. I want to touch it, I want to kiss it, taste it.


    Fuck, I am losing my mind.


    I pull back from his lips and his face is red, his breathing spiked. .there is confusion etched on his face. I don''t know how to put what I want to do in words. The only thing I can do at that moment, staring at him in all of his glory is go down on my knees.


    He opens his eyes wide as I pull his boxers off him.


    There is shock plastered on his face.


    This unexpected forwardness is shocking to me but I don''t want to stop.. I want to taste him so badly.

 Chapter 97 - I Think I Am Falling For You

    Patrick.


    Jack is giving me a blow job.


    Fucking hell.


    Is this my imagination?


    Have I finally lost my mind? Did I want this so badly that I created this in my bed? This might be a dream; he might not be here right now. he might still be with the girl he left with at the club. I probably fell asleep eating ice cream and dreamt this all.


    If this is a dream, I don''t want to wake up. If I can only have him in my dreams. Then I want to stay asleep forever. I don''t even know when these feelings in me even started developing. This is all too quick. I don''t even think I felt this strongly for Lance. Lance was someone I could talk to in my so very lonely world. He came like a light, made me feel things I thought I would never feel again.


    I wanted to love him.


    I wanted him so badly because I didn''t want to be alone. With Jack, it is different. I didn''t want him. I didn''t even like him, but he crashed into my world unannounced. He pushed his way into my heart and now I can see myself being happy with him. I know he has his baggage but fuck I do to. I escaped from my baggage but there is the chance of it all coming back and reminding me of why I left.


    He doesn''t seem any different from me. we both have shitty parental figures. The only difference is that he is still with his father even though I think he would be better off on his own. I left because I knew I would die if I stayed. I couldn''t endure it all, I didn''t want to endure it all.


    Escaping was my only option.


    Jack has Lance in his life and that seems to be the only reason why he is still in his situation. Lance is a big part of his life and I know if I choose to be with him, I would be reminded of him all the time. I don''t think Jack can even forget about how this all started, it will always be a constant reminder but I don''t care. The fact that I met Jack is all that matters to me.


    I close my eyes, in complete and utter bliss. He starts off by giving the tip a soft lick. Almost like you would a delicious candy. It feels like he is trying to register the taste of it. it is obvious that this is his first blow job. This is the first time a guy has ever had my dick in his mouth, so I guess we are both experiencing firsts. I open my eyes when to see his expression. If there is any sign of disgust on his face, I will stop this instantly. I don''t want to do this if this is not what he wants. He looks at my dick after another lick, there is confusion on his face. the very dark expression still stuck in his eyes. He is not disgusted. At least I cant read that on him. He winks at me with a mischievous smile as he takes another go at it. This time, taking more of me into his mouth. He bobs his head up and down, at this point my heart beats crazily against my chest as I try to control myself. I am already at the brink of cumming but if I do that, I will look stupid. Its been a couple of seconds.


    I grab his hair in my fist. His beautiful red hair. I have always liked the colour of his hair. Now the strands against my fingers as he deep throats me is a memory I will never forget.


    ''''Fuck,'''' I moan out in pure bliss.


    He pulls back from me, his eyes stuck on mine ''''Do you like that?'''' he asks nervously, his breath hiked up and heavy.


    I nod because I want more. I crave more of his touch. I want him to take all of me right now. I don''t know how far he plans to go with me but I want to go all the way with him tonight. He continues sucking and tasting me, not pulling back for another. My legs shake as I try to put my weight on the wall. This is a lot and it has never felt like this before. Jack doesn''t stop until I stiffen against him.


    ''''I''m going to cum,'''' I announce because I don''t know how he will feel about me spilling into his mouth. this is the first time, I don''t want to ruin this by grossing him out.


    He ignores my announcement and continues, this time harder and faster. I spill into his mouth and some spills all over his face. this is a lot for me. Jack is on his knees with my seed all over his face. how did we even get here?


    This time there will be no excuse. The last time we had sex, we could use the excuse that we were drunk but now, we are both sober, in our right frames of mind. He can''t tell me that he isn''t gay. That he doesn''t like boys.


    I reach for him to wipe the cum off his face and he grabs my hand. Slowly he gets up on his feet and now stands in front of me. he is still holding my hand. I don''t want him to let go.


    ''''You have my cum all over your face,'''' I point out, a little out of breath.


    He laughs and reaches for his face with his other hand ''''You know I always wondered what my cum would taste like,'''' he confesses at the same time licking off the residue on his face.


    This is actually a lot for me. he is being so comfortable with me right now that I don''t even think I can go back from this.


    ''''That''s weird.''''


    He laughs again ''''It''s salty. Taste like a delicious topping. Is that also weird? that I think it is delicious?'''' he asks with the smile still on his face.


    I manage a nervous chuckle because I am nervous. I don''t want to say the wrong thing and ruin this night. It is so perfect that I wish this could last forever. I wish he could stay with me forever. Now I know I am so lonely that I would keep him here with me.


    ''''Can I kiss you?'''' he asks still holding my hand. The butterflies that I get from touching him linger in the pits of my tummy.


    ''''You know you don''t have to ask.''''


    He lets go of my hand and cups my face in his palm. He leans closer and his lips stay an inch away from mine. He is so close to me that I feel his hot breath on my face. just a little inch forward and I can taste him. I can get that kiss that he asked for but I desperately crave.


    ''''I have your cum in my mouth,'''' he reminds me in a whisper. He wants to know if I am okay with kissing him after he just swallowed. I smash my lips to his as my answer to how I feel about it. he stiffens against me, completely caught unaware but that doesn''t deter him from the moment. He slides his tongue into my mouth, grabbing me but the waist to pull me closer. I press against his body, feeling his own hardness. God, this is insane. I am making jack hard. He likes my touch he likes my dick. He likes my body. The confidence that this gives me cannot be expressed in words. I don''t even understand how someone as perfect as Jack can want me.


    I feel lucky I feel blessed to be kissed by him. I don''t plan on taking this for granted. Whatever happens between us tonight, I plan to treasure it. I plan to treat him the way he deserves to be treated.


    I taste the saltiness in his mouth and that just turns me on even more. I want him to take me. I want all of him.


    He pulls back from me and rests his forehead on mine. Hie eyes are closed. His breath is heavy but I see him clearly. ''''Can we take this to the room. I want you and I don''t think I can hold back any longer.''''


    This doesn''t come as a surprise to me because I can feel him. I know that this is what he wants and I want him too. I just don''t know why he keeps asking.


    ''''Why do you feel the need to ask?'''' I have to ask because I want to know what is going on in his head.


    He opens his eyes and watches me with this intent stare that sends chills down my spine.


    God, Jack is driving me crazy.


    ''''I don''t know. I don''t want to mess this up. I don''t want to hurt you,'''' he confesses and that tugs my heartstrings.


    I think I am falling for him.

 Chapter 98 - The Night You Saved Me.

    Ford.


    The night I met Lance.


    Another party that I don''t give a shit about.


    People in my house. Friends mixed with strangers. These are all people that wouldn''t even blink a tear out of my eyes if I was dead.


    Dying.


    Sounds like the best thing right now.


    I have it all planned out.


    Tonight is the night I gather all the courage. The night I do what I have always wanted. I am tired, fucking exhausted. I can''t stay here any longer. It is not like I haven''t tried. Every day that I wake up and live my life is me trying. The demons are winning. I can''t keep on breathing and acting like I am perfectly fine when I am already dead inside.


    I have thought about this for six months. This is not a spur of the moment decision. I have it all mapped out. Have a last hurrah with my ''friends''. I put it in quotes because none of these people gives a shit about me. they are all here but they wouldn''t care if I was dead.


    I am not blaming them. This is all on me, I take full responsibility for everything that has happened to me. this is all on me. I don''t open up to people. I am rarely present. They can''t force a relationship with me when I am not interested. That is why I don''t blame them.


    I take full responsibility.


    I don''t want to know them. I don''t want to be happy. I don''t want to smile. There is no point in trying when at the end of it all, I''d crawl back to that demonic place.


    The place in my head where I am worthless and unloved.


    Tonight is the last night I will have this fake smile on my face. I am done pretending. I don''t want to be in this world any more. I am ready to let go and finally be free.


    ''''Hey,'''' Carla walks to me with a smile on her face.


    Carla, one of the people I call a friend. Carla is perky, always happy and she makes me hate myself even more. I wish I could be like her. I want to not care about the bad things and focus on the good things.


    I have a lot of good things in my life. I don''t have to worry about money. I have people that want to care about me. there are people in the world that don''t even have the basic necessity. They are starving and here I am complaining about my life.


    I know it is selfish but the longer I stay on this earth, the longer the pain will eat me up.


    I don''t want to be ungrateful to God but I am tired. There is nothing pulling me back. Telling me to stay strong and fight for my life. there is no reason why I should continue living.


    ''''It was a surprise when you asked to have this party,'''' she says pulling her headphones out of her ears.


    I chose a silent disco party because I wanted people here but I also didn''t want to hear them. This is the best idea. I know, killing myself with all these people around is heartless. I don''t want to be alone when I do this. that is why this is the best way.


    ''''I wanted to do something for a change,'''' I lie.


    It is rare to see me having a party. They were all surprised when I announced it. I don''t have any regrets because once it is 12 am I will be doing this. there is no easy way to kill yourself. I did a lot of research.


    The most painless way to kill yourself.


    Everything else seemed so far fetched. The best one I could do. a gunshot to the head. I read that it is instant when done right. I know, gunshots are loud¡ªso hence the silent party. No one would hear with noise cancellation headphones. It is the perfect idea.


    The best thing about this is how easy I came across a gun. Father has one in his study. It is supposed to be locked and safe but I watched him once open his safe.


    ''''You don''t look okay,'''' she points out noticing.


    It is hard for people to really see that I am dying inside, maybe they all choose to ignore it but I think I hide it well. Tonight is different. this is the last time I will be breathing. This is the last time I will be alive and I am kind of nervous and afraid. I have already made up my mind but there is still this fear within me, that this decision will be a mistake.


    I try to ignore all the voices in my head that are against this. I only listen to the demons. They know what they are talking about. They know how I feel. They want this as much as I do.


    ''''I''m good,'''' I lie, the way I have been doing all my life.


    She pats my shoulder comfortingly and plants a soft kiss on my cheek. Hurriedly she walks away from me and I am alone as I usually am. I check the time on my watch. Just two more hours and I can leave this world.


    The door opens suddenly and two guys walk in. one has hair that is so red, it is blinding. He is not the one that catches my attention. In fact, he doesn''t even resound in me. The other guy on the other had calls out to me. I see him from the railings upstairs where I am leaning.


    He whispers something to the redhead. I ignore the laugh that the guy gives, obviously finding what he said funny. My eyes stay fixed on his. There is a look of disinterest on his face. He looks like he would rather be anywhere but here. I would rather be anywhere but this house to.


    He seems relatable.


    He is also gorgeous in this unpretentious way. He will fit in my arms perfectly. Fuck, why I am thinking about this right now. why do I want him in my arms?


    I am leaving tonight.


    There is no point thinking about the things I could do to this boy. God, I want to talk to him. he collects headphones from the man at the door and I notice that he doesn''t put them on. He is not interested in this party. Now I can see that.


    Why would you come to a party when you don''t want to be here?


    At this point I know ii am being creepy but pardon me, he is intriguing. So intriguing that I think I should talk to him. I mean, what is the worst that could happen? I won''t be here tomorrow. There will be no judgement cause the I won''t be here.


    I watch his friend say something to him and my heart beats heavily against my chest. Slowly he looks up, his eyes find me. I don''t know if he sees me but there is this look on his face. the kind that makes me want him even more.


    Jesus.


    I guess I am doing this, I need to talk to him, the only regret I will have this night is if I die without talking to him. I know he is not in our school. He doesn''t belong in this crowd. There is a chill in him that everyone here lacks. The kind I want to get to know.


    I can''t believe I am interested in getting to know someone. I know I can''t do anything but talk to him tonight. I already have a plan and I can''t falter on that. I have to do this. I need to end all the misery.


    I run down the stairs, to get to him but he disappears before I can. I look around the crowd at all the people that seem happy. He is not here.


    My eyes search for him. my one mission is to talk to him tonight and if I don''t, I will die miserably too. I get to the kitchen and he is there again. His friend gives him a bottle and this time they stay longer whispering into each other''s ears. I am jealous. So fucking jealous of people I don''t even know.


    What the fuck is happening?


    His friend leaves him and I am glad. This is the opportunity I was looking for. he is alone and now he wouldn''t mind some company. I will be his company tonight. Maybe it is the other way around. I don''t want to be alone before the end of the night.


    I want to be with this beautiful stranger.


    He clutches the drink tightly and I take a step forward. All my courage finally mustered up. My beautiful stranger turns the other direction and walks out of the kitchen. At this point I have lost the courage. I follow him up the stairs and watch him as he searches for a room. I don''t know what he plans to do and now it seems like I wouldn''t be able to talk to him.


    He gets to my room and a smile crawls up to my face.


    This is my opportunity.


    I can talk to him.

 Chapter 99 - The Only Two Options.

    Ford.


    I don''t want to go home, knowing I failed him. I couldn''t convince Lisa to delete the video.


    I completely messed things up.


    There is this fear lingering within me. I already know how this is going to end. We are going to have to break up or risk my father finding out about this. the moment he finds out, he is going to send me to that facility again, or somewhere far away and then I will never see Lance again. I don''t want to lose him. he is the only reason I am alive.


    Like literally, I don''t think I would be alive if he didn''t come into my life. So losing him is not even an option. I need him in my life for my sanity. He is the only person that matters. The only person that cares about me, that doesn''t judge me and I can''t lose that. for the first time in my life, I want to live I want to see another day. I don''t want to die. And that means I have to fight for him. that is all I can do. keep fighting so I don''t lose him.


    What do I tell him now?


    I left him thinking I could save us from our own personal hell that is Lisa. I didn''t succeed. I mean, what was I even thinking? She was never going to just delete the video. Of everyone that could have seen us, it just had to be her. The one person that would never be on our side.


    I park my car in the garage again. I see him immediately. He is still on the steps of the door that lead to the house. His arms are covering his face on his knees. Slowly, he looks up when he sees my car. There is a sad expression on his face, it seems like he has been crying. I don''t want him to cry. This is all my fault. I know the demons will be laughing right now at my demise.


    I don''t want to lose it today.


    He needs me now.


    Lance stands up but doesn''t come to me. he is waiting for me to reach out. Talk to him. I don''t know what to say. I want to assure him that everything will be alright. How do I do that when I don''t believe it. there is no solution right now.


    I get down from the car because I need to hold him. I don''t know how much longer I can be in his arms for. it feels like time is ticking with our relationship. Like there is a bomb that could go of at any minute.


    He doesn''t come forward. I know I have to go to him. I didn''t really handle his honesty well. I appreciate the fact that he told me immediately. I don''t know if I would''ve done the same. Maybe I would have thought I could handle it on my own.


    I was very hard on him when he told me. I want to make it up to him. I still don''t know what we are going to do about Lisa but I just want to hold him tonight. I walk towards the steps and I notice that his eyes are red. He has been crying.


    Fuck I hate this. Now I even feel more guilty for yelling at him. He probably thinks this is his fault. The fact that we had sex in school but I don''t blame him. I did everything on my own. He didn''t force me, I wanted him as much as he wanted me and won''t ever put this on him.


    I climb up the stairs and he watches me quietly. There is no movement on his part. That is fine, I mean I will always go to him. for the rest ofo my life.


    Suddenly coming to a stop in front of him, I take a deep breath. Unsure of what to say to make things better.


    I should apologise for earlier first.


    ''''I¡ª.''''


    ''''How,''''


    We both speak at the same time.


    I want to go first. Cause I need to make things right before we talk about Lisa. Even thinking about her right now is irritating to me.


    ''''Can I go first,'''' I speak up.


    He nods still very quiet.


    ''''About earlier, I am sorry for freaking out. I shouldn''t have spoken to you in that manner. Please forgive me.''''


    He manages a faint smile, but it is not sincere. I don''t know if he is actually still upset with me or just worried about the whole situation. I wish it is the latter because I can''t handle him being upset with me.


    ''''It''s okay. I know you didn''t mean to,'''' he brushes it off.


    I shake my head ''''No, it is not okay. I shouldn''t ever talk to you like that. you didn''t do anything wrong. this is not your fault.''''


    I am trying to let him know that I don''t blame him. I want to assure him of that because I know Lance. this will eat him up and he will hate himself, thinking he is the one that caused this. I don''t want him feeling that way, especially since this whole thing started with me not wanting to be out.


    If Lance was given the opportunity of being honest, he would tell his mother about this. I think she is a chill enough person to accept him. I see the love in her eyes when she looks at her son. She genuinely cares about me. My father on the other hand will see to it that I never see him again. I know how that will end.


    ''''I caused this. I am the one that went into the shower, knowing we were in public. I shouldn''t have done that.''''


    ''''No, I agreed to it. I could''ve stopped you. I knew it was not the best idea but I was excited too. I wanted you too. So this is not your fault. Nothing has ever been your fault. If it wasn''t for me Lisa would have not been in your life. everything is my fault. Not yours.''''


    I reach for him and he doesn''t push me away. The tears that I know he is trying to hide come out. There is no point fighting it anymore.


    ''''What are we going to do?'''' he cries almost like he knows I failed with my outburst.


    Leaving him and storming back to the party was pointless. All I got from that was seeing Lisa''s true colours. She is a vindictive manipulative bitch and I have got to stay away from her.


    ''''I don''t know. I just know that I am not letting you go.''''


    That is the honest truth. Lance needs to know everything about me and my relationship with my father. He needs to see the whole picture before we decide to be open about this. At this point, there is no other option. We cant be a secret anymore when Lisa has that video.


    I know she doesn''t want to get it out because that means she will completely lose me if she does but if she doesn''t get what she wants, then she will stoop that low.


    ''''Can we just tell your dad about us? maybe he will understand.''''


    I shake my head ''''He will not accept this. he told me to stop getting close to you. Cause he didn''t want me to catch what you have.''''


    I never told him about that night because I didn''t want him to suddenly hate the man. Dad is nice to him. that is the most important thing now that he is stuck in my family. I don''t want to be the reason why there is suddenly awkwardness between them. Just because I don''t have a good relationship with the man doesn''t mean it should be the same with Lance.


    ''''Wow. My mom thinks he is okay with me being gay. If she knew he felt that way, she wouldn''t have married him.''''


    I knew he was pretending to be perfect from the get-go but I didn''t want to be the reason for them not getting married, even though that is all I wanted at that point but now, it is done and over and there is nothing I can do.


    ''''Look the fact that he is a homophobic bastard is the least of our worries. He always likes to control the situation. Me being gay is outside his control and he will not accept that. Now add the fact that you are his new wife''s son to the mix. Danger zone. We will never win against him.''''


    He sighs loudly.


    ''''My mom will not like this but she will try to accept me. she loves me.''''


    Just as I knew before but this is not about her. There are only two options. We can pretend to break up, then Lisa will think she won or we run away together. I don''t know how to tell him that because I know he wouldn''t want to go back to being a secret. He wouldn''t want to watch me pretend to date Lisa.


    Maybe he might agree to run away together.

 Chapter 100 - Fight This Battle

    Lance.


    He is here right in front of me but I am scared. There is this dark cloud looming over us.


    ''''Can we go inside?'''' he asks desperately to have some control of this situation.


    I shake my head ''''I don''t want to stay here tonight. Can we go back to the apartment?''''


    I would rather be anywhere but here right now. This house has never felt like home to me. I don''t belong here, it doesn''t even feel like Ford belongs here. I want him to be completely honest. I want to know everything that leads to the fear he has of his father and I don''t think he will talk to me about anything here.


    ''''Okay,'''' he agrees to my shock ''''Do you want to pack a bag?'''' he adds.


    I shake my head. most of my clothes are in my apartment. I didn''t want to completely move here. It looks like I wouldn''t even be here any longer.


    ''''Okay, I''ll just pack a bag, grab my meds. Is that okay?'''' he asks as if I would object to it. he is being more comfortable with me. talking about his Meds. Now I feel like I can never let him go.


    It''s not like that was ever an option. I am ready to let go of everyone for him. I will not do this without him. At this point, we are a package deal. Wherever he goes, I go.


    ''''Here,'''' he gives me the car key ''''I''ll just grab my stuff,'''' he enters the house through the garage door and I watch him disappear from my sight. There is an ache in my chest that I don''t think is going anywhere anytime soon. Not until we eliminate Lisa from our lives. I don''t even understand how someone can be so desperate to the point of hurting others. To me, it is ridiculous. I get that she loves him. I know what love is, I know what it can make you do but I will never force myself on someone that doesn''t feel the same. The only reason why I keep fighting with Ford is that he is fighting right alongside me. We are pushing through together.


    She is on her own wreaking havoc.


    I walk back into the car and enter the passenger side. Sitting down I hear my phone beep in my pocket. It is already pretty late, the only person that could be messaging me right now is Jack. He is probably checking up on me. I reach for the phone and the notification is an unknown number.


    My heart stops against my chest. I know who it is without even reading the message.


    I click the notification.


    Unknown: I warned you not to tell him but you did anyway. This is your last warning. Break up with him or this will get out and now I am not just talking about his father. I will cause a scandal. One that you will never be able to escape.


    There is a video underneath the message. I already know what it is. At this point, she is tormenting me. She wants this to hurt and it is fucking working. My hand shakes uncontrollably as I try to hold unto the phone. This is a lot for me to handle. Our reputations will be ruined if this gets out. Ford''s dad will never even give us a chance to be together if this gets out. A sex tape for the whole world to see. Once something gets out, you can never take it back.


    ''''Fuck,'''' I exclaim exasperatedly.


    I cried when Ford left me. I let it all out¡ªor at least I thought I did. The tears find their way out again. They crawl out of my eyes like prisoners about to be set free. I can''t control it, I don''t have the energy in me to stop this. the minute I hear the door to the garage open. I try to wipe them off but there is no hiding this from him. he can see right through me. He stops by the stairs, his eyes are on me. He can see my tears through the window. Quickly he drops the bag in his grip and runs over to the car. I drop my phone in between my legs, unsure if I should tell him about the message. Ford is fragile, I don''t want him going into a mood right now because I need him on my side. The minute he lets go of himself, I will be alone and I can''t be alone right now.


    His disorder will take him away from me and I am not ready for that. I am too weak to stand on my own.


    I am exhausted.


    ''''What is wrong?'' he asks immediately he pushes the door to my side open. He is standing above me. his eyes are filled with worry. I don''t want him to worry. I am worrying enough for the both of us.


    ''''It''s nothing. This is all so overwhelming,'''' I lie in between tears because this is the best thing for now.


    Lisa has already threatened me earlier. He already knows that there is no need for him to know about the message. I don''t want him to leave me again. I need him now, more than ever.


    ''''Babe, we will get through this. I will not let you go. You have nothing to worry about,'''' he assures me, but I don''t feel assured. This is not as easy as he thinks. The only person that I think could help us is my mom. He doesn''t want us to tell her.


    I know she will understand. She knows me more than anyone else. She will know that this has to be real. She will understand this and she will try to help us, even if that means ending her thing with John.


    I trust her more than anyone else.


    All the lies and secrets I have kept from her have been haunting me but I also know she will forgive me. she loves me enough to forgive me.


    ''''I don''t know what to do,'''' the tears keep falling. He goes on one knee and faces me, wiping the tears off my face.


    ''''Did anything happen while I was inside. Did she reach out?'''' he can read me so well. It is a good thing and a bad thing. I don''t want to tell him about this. ''''Babe, we can''t keep any more secrets,'''' he pleads.


    I know that.


    But this is not a secret. It is an omission of the truth for his own good. He will not take this well.


    ''''I don''t think it is important, it is something you already know. So it doesn''t matter.''''


    I give him a half-truth.


    ''''What happened?'''' he asks blankly.


    I sigh out in defeat and pick up my phone. I open the message and with shaking hands, I give him the phone. My eyes stay fixed on his face as he reads the message. His hand goes into a fist, the anger slowly forms on his face as the crinkles and frown line evolve.


    ''''That bitch,'''' he exclaims.


    ''''It doesn''t matter, she doesn''t matter.''''


    He lets go of the phone and his face shifts to the blank expression. He is letting the anger go.


    ''''Let''s go. We will talk about all this tomorrow,'''' he rationalises.


    I know he is not okay, and he is still angry but I don''t say anything. Slowly, he leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my lips. The kiss is meant to be innocent but as he pulls back, I grab his neck to deepen the kiss. He smiles through the kiss as he slides his tongue into my mouth for a deeper kiss. His arms pull me closer but the position we are in is so uncomfortable that we can''t get any closer. He pulls back but there is still a smile on his face.


    ''''I don''t want to think about Lisa tonight. I just want to spend the night in your arms tonight. Can we do that?'''' I plead for something other than all our problems.


    He nods his head immediately.


    ''''I''d like that.''''


    He ruffles my hair playfully before standing up and walking to the other side of the car. I don''t know what we are going to do but I know that letting go of Ford is not an option. I will not give in to Lisa''s demand. She will not win this battle because I will fight until there is no fight left in me and just like I advised Ford before I will keep fighting even after.


    The love I have for him is stronger than all the obstacles.


    His father, my mother, Lisa. They are all inconsequential. They are not part of this story. They don''t matter. They are not the reason why we are together and they will never be the reason why we are apart.


    ''''I love you,'''' I remind him.


    He smiles warmly as he starts the car.


    I know he loves me too.

 Chapter 101 - Seeing All The Colors In Life Because Of You.

    Lance.


    We get to the apartment and I take off all my clothes except my boxers and crawl into my bed. I just want to close my eyes for tonight and forget everything that has happened tonight.


    Ford stands by the door, unsure if he should come in. I stretch my hands out for him because I want to be in his arms. With a warm smile, he crawls into bed with me. The room is dark and very quiet. It Is already early morning, the night has already passed us by but I just want to sleep in. tomorrow is Saturday. I don''t have to worry about anything. Mom and john will be back next week. We have a week to figure out what we are going to do.


    I don''t know what is in Ford''s mind. what does he suggest we do. whatever he says, I will follow. As long as he doesn''t suggest breaking up. I am not breaking up with him, it is not in my plans.


    ''''Are you okay?'''' he breaks the silence ofo the room. I am thankful to hear his voice. It is the only soothing thing about this situation


    ''''Yeah,'''' I mutter quietly.


    His hand strokes my hair calmly. I rest against his chest in the confinements of my tiny bed. We have gotten so used to sleeping on this bed, somehow it makes me feel even closer to him when we squeeze together like this. it is not uncomfortable.


    ''''Do you want to talk about this or do we do this in the morning?'''' he asks. He is still thinking about it. I haven''t forgotten but I choose to block it out this night. There is nothing we can do tonight, so I don''t want to think about it. I just want to be with him, in this room.


    ''''Can we talk about it tomorrow. I just want you tonight.'''' I look up at him and hie eyes are inviting. I want to feel his love. That is all I want for tonight. I hope he wants that too.


    I lean forward until my lips are on his. He presses his lips to mine, the desperation in the grip of his hands around my waist. I climb on top of him, giving him more room to lie down on his back. His arms tug at my waist as he tries to mesh me into one with him. our lips are still dancing together, the rhythm filled with longing and eagerness. I grind my hips into him, the only barriers right now is our underwear. I want to get them off and feel him completely. I want to make love to Ford tonight. I want to feel everything with him.


    The reality of our relationship is dawning on us, but I want to stay in the la la land. I want to feel all the love I can from him. I don''t ever want to let him go.


    ''''I love you, Lance," he breathes out heavily.


    I don''t need to reply, he already knows. My heads reach for the waistband of his boxers. His lips are still pressed to mine as I get them off, hurriedly grabbing him in my hand. He lets out a soft moan and the sound sends me to heaven and back. No one is sexier than Ford, except for the way he is when in my arms.


    I stroke him as he hardens against me. his legs shaking from the complete pleasure. My dick rises underneath my boxers, poking him in the leg but I don''t stop stroking him, feeling him get even harder from my touch.


    ''''Is this a good idea, you''ve been crying all night. I think you need a breather,'''' he manages. I hear his words, but his actions say otherwise. He doesn''t want to stop this. I don''t want to stop either.


    God, I want him so much.


    ''''Stop talking,'''' I smash my lips to his and he gives in completely. Tonight is for only good vibes. I am tossing all the negative energy away. Just for one night. He grabs me by my waist and turns me around, now putting us in reverse. My back hits the mattress and he smiles as he pulls off my boxers, revealing me completely and ready for him. I let out a soft breath, trying to control the tension within me. he smiles mischievously and I arch forward to get closer him. I feel him as he reaches for my entrance. I grant him complete access. He can take all of me without complaint.


    ''''I will never let you go,'''' he breathes into my ear as he slowly slides a finger into me. I groan out from the slight discomfort, but he doesn''t stop¡ªnot like I want him to.


    We had sex tonight once. The cause of all our problems but I still feel starved off him. I need more of him, and I just had him, I don''t know how anyone will think they have the right to take him from me.


    I reach for his dick as he puts another finger inside me. it is not enough. I want more from him.


    The chills run through my body as he goes deeper into me with his hands. My body is pleading for more. I want him inside me, and I want it now. I guide his dick to my entrance, and he melts into my mouth, a moan escaping his lips. Slowly he pushes into me with a long-awaited growl.


    ''''Fuck,'''' he moans out, completely devouring me.


    I close my eyes as I try to adjust to him and all that he is. We didn''t use a condom the last time we had sex; we are not using a condom now. Ford is the only one I have ever been with, so it is safe to say that I am clean. We haven''t talked about this before, but I know it is something we need to talk about. Right now, the only concern on my mind is the fact that losing him is a probability.


    ''''You are mine,'''' my voice echoes through the darkness in the room. No one is going to take him away from him. I will not let him go. I choose to hold him as tight as I can and never let go. ''''You are mine,'''' I repeat as he grinds into me, sending me off the wall.


    We keep moving in sync to each other until we get the release, we desperately crave. The moment he falls on me, I hold him even tighter, not caring about all the sweat on me.


    There is a comforting silence after sex. The kind that can''t be explained. Where you both hold each other and think of the moment you shared. That is what is happening at this moment. I am in his arms and there is a certain euphoric feeling.


    ''''Can I tell you something,'''' he speaks up, completely enclosing that moment with a conversation.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I look at him. his eyes are closed. He is beautiful, even in this darkness. I am so lucky to have him.


    ''''The night I met you. At the party. I had a plan.''''


    I look at him, I don''t know what he is going to say but I want to hear it. everything about Ford is intriguing. I know this is going to mean a lot.


    ''''What plan?''''


    He opens his eyes, there are tears welling in them but they don''t come out. Somehow they remained fixed inside like he is fighting out the tears. This is not going to be intriguing, I can already see the pain in his eyes. This must be hard to say.


    ''''I need to let you know that it is over. I don''t feel that way anymore. You''re in my life now and that is all that is important.''''


    This feels like a disclaimer. Almost like he wants me to know that it doesn''t matter now. I don''t like this but I want him to tell me. I want him to be honest with me. this is the start of that honesty.


    ''''I don''t care Babe, nothing matters but right now.''''


    He manages a smile but the pain is still etched deep within.


    ''''That night, I was going to kill myself.''''


    As those words travel out of his mouth, my heart stops in my chest. I feel like I can''t breathe at that moment. Just thinking about it is giving me the creeps. That night, Ford wanted to kill himself.


    He was going to end his life.


    My beautiful boyfriend was so depressed that he planned to kill himself. I cannot even fathom that thought. I can''t comprehend it.


    ''''It''s over now, I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn''t want to continue living. Nothing meant anything to me,'''' I watch him still at a loss for words. He continues ''''You came into my life and brought all the colours with you. You shined like a light, you made me want to live again.''''


    Wow.


    This is a lot of pressure.


    What if I don''t live up to it.


    ''''I am not telling you all this to make you worry or feel bad. I don''t feel that way again. I don''t want to die anymore. You have shown me a lot these couple of months. I see how beautiful life is. I appreciate all the little things now. All thanks to you. You don''t even know how much you saved me when you walked through those doors. I would never take you for granted''''


    His words are shocking but they are also heartbreaking.


    I will never let him go.

 Chapter 102 - Be My Boyfriend

    Patrick.


    ''''What happens tomorrow?'''' he asks me.


    We are in bed together. Nothing happened after his confession about not wanting to hurt me. It is all I have been able to think about for the past hour. You see, the way he said it is engraved in my mind. I don''t think I will ever be able to forget it. He is threading waters with me, which means he genuinely cares about me.


    Jack cares about me¡ªPatrick.


    Can you even believe it?


    ''''What do you mean?'''' I am in his arms, holding unto him like this could be the only time this will ever happen. Tomorrow, he might go back to not liking me. He might think about all this and be full of regrets. I hope that is not the case. I want us to grow from this, I want us to become closer.


    I want everything with him.


    ''''I am not ready to make this official but it feels like it already is. I like you so much,'''' his confession has my skin crawling, my heart racing. Hearing him say that is exciting.


    ''''I like you too,'''' I admit.


    He smiles and reaches for me, his fingers brushing against the skin on my head. I close my eyes as I try to feel all of him as he holds me closer. This is the closest I have ever been with anyone. I won''t trade this for anything else.


    ''''Do you want to be my boyfriend?'''' he asks.


    My heart freezes in my chest. That was unexpected. He just said he wasn''t ready to make unofficial and here he is asking the most official question ever. I don''t know how to feel, how to react to his question. Right now, that is all I want. The fact that God is indirectly telling me that I don''t have to be alone anymore, that I can have someone that would love me unconditionally, is overwhelming.


    I want to be his boyfriend.


    I want to be his everything but I need to know what it means to be his boyfriend. I know he is not ready to come out. Like officially.


    He has too many fears that will haunt him when he does.


    I don''t want to be the one that brings out those demons.


    ''''You''re not answering. I am getting worried.'''' He mutters bemused.


    I look at him, straight into his eyes, because I am still in shock. I thought it would take him a while to come to terms with this whole thing. I didn''t think I would have to give him an answer tonight. Things just started with us, yeah, I am excited about our journey but also terrified.


    ''''Come on Trick, don''t leave me hanging,'''' he pulls away from me and sits on the bed with his back resting on the headboard, still watching me. There is a nervous expression plastered on his face which makes me realize that this is not easy for him. I know he is not a hundred percent sure about this decision.


    ''''You just said you are not ready,'''' I remind him of his earlier words.


    He shakes his head ''''Not that, okay maybe it''s that but I don''t want to have to share you with anyone else. Seeing you flirt with that guy tonight broke me and I can''t handle it anymore.''''


    So he is asking because of jealousy.


    ''''You were flirting too,'''' I interject, reminding him that unlike me, I didn''t go home with the guy.


    He runs his hands through his hair ''''Shit, this is very hard.'''' He mumbles. I know how he feels. Am I intentionally making this difficult for him? This is what I wanted, so why is it so hard to say yes to him.


    ''''Okay, I want you to be my boyfriend Trick. I have never felt this way about anyone. You have become so special to me that I don''t want to let you go, I know right now, things are not as clear as they should be. I am not the best person, I really don''t have anything to offer but me. I am not special but I want to be yours,'''' he lets out a breath after his words.


    He doesn''t know what those words are doing to me. The emotional turmoil in my brain.


    ''''You don''t have to say yes tonight. I will give you time to think about it and if this isn''t what you want, I completely understand,'''' he accepts already sounding defeated.


    This is everything I want.


    I want to be with him.


    I want to be his boyfriend.


    So why is it so hard to admit that right now?


    He shifts closer to me again and I feel his warmth all over my body. At this point, I think he has run out of words to say. We sit in silence for a couple of seconds as I try to control all the rambling in my head. I am too excited to even say anything.


    ''''Are you hungry, I am suddenly hungry,'''' he says out of the blue. I look at the clock on the wall of my room. It is a little after two in the morning. Eating right now seems like the least of my worries but I am not tired, I don''t want to go to bed anytime soon, being with him is keeping me on high alert.


    ''''I have food in my fridge,'''' I suggest wanting to spend as much time awake with him. He raises a brow but gets up from the bed. I don''t know why I am stalling. He said he wanted to be with me. I want to be with him too, so what is the problem right now.


    He pulls me off the bed and we walk to the kitchen, our hands together. He squeezes my palm gently. Not even letting me go. I like this new change in our relationship. He lets of my hand when we get into the kitchen and there is a smile on his face as he opens the fridge ''''Do you cook?'''' he questions peering into it.


    I shake my head and he chuckles ''''All I see in here are take-outs.''''


    He got the answer to the question he asked. The only food I have in there are from Lumi''s diner. I have a plug there and she helps me with food whenever I want.


    ''''This is all I eat,'''' I tell him honestly. I want Jack to get to know me.


    He brings out a container of chicken and rice. My favourite meal out of everything inside ''''Will this work?'''' he asks.


    I grab the container and put it in the microwave, I feel him as he wraps his arms around my waist from behind. ''''I don''t know if this is allowed, do you mind?'''' he whispers into my ear.


    I don''t mind at all. My heart races against my chest. I feel his lips on my neck. Hot and heavy. His arms pulling me closer, to the point where I feel all of him. ''''You''re fine,'''' I assure him. It is not like there is any boundary to be crossed. We have gone all the way, that I don''t think anything we do right now will be too much. I press the button on the microwave and the food starts moving in circles inside. My eyes are fixed to the electronic but all I feel is him.


    ''''I can''t believe being in your arms feel this nice. Who would have thought it would feel this good?'''' he asks rhetorically. My hands grip his hands gently as I try to control how hyper and excited I am feeling right now.


    ''''You''re quiet again,'''' he doses gently.


    ''''I don''t know what to say,'''' I admit.


    He chuckles ''''Tell me how much you like me,'''' he says dreamily.


    ''''A lot.''''


    This time he laughs louder. Our conversation right now is light, the kind that makes you forget all your problems. It is making me happy. Being with Jack is making me happy.


    ''''You have to do better than that, I poured my heart out to you back there.'''' He reminds me of his confession. Yeah, he is right. He shared a lot with me, things that I never thought he ever would and I am very grateful for tonight. No matter what happens between us, I will always appreciate his honesty today.


    I turn around slowly, and he watches me, confusion sprawled on his face. The smile is still stuck to his face, makes me want to kiss him.


    ''''Can I show you how much I like you?''''


    The question is weird. the only way I can show him right now is by kissing him. He nods his head but remains silent. I take that as my approval. Slowly, I lean forward until my lips are an inch away from his.


    ''''You don''t have to worry about anything, there will be no one else,'''' I assure him because that seems to be his greatest worry.


    I am his and his alone.


    My lips press to his for a kiss and he grabs the back of my neck, pulling me closer to him. The microwave makes a beep, that indicates that the food is hot enough. I pull back from his lips ''''The food''s ready,'''' I inform him.


    He shakes his head immediately, the only hunger in his eyes ''''Fuck food, I want you.''''


    With that, he smashes his lips to mine again.

 Chapter 103 - Feel The Love.

    Jack.


    I am losing my fucking mind.


    What the hell is Trick doing to me.


    I didn''t come to his apartment tonight to ask him to be my fucking boyfriend. That was not the plan, that was far from the plan but lying down next to him on his bed, I needed to make him mine.


    He didn''t say yes to me. I would''ve been pissed if this was someone else, but this is Patrick. I know he is fighting all the fears he has within him. I am not the easiest person to be around. .i have done a lot to him that I regret. Selfish and jerky things. I don''t blame him if he never wants to see me again. I am here in his arms, kissing him. Jesus, this is the best feeling ever.


    How did I suddenly become gay over night?


    Okay I know you don''t just become gay but I have never had eyes for any guy before. With him, I want to give up everything. I want to claim him as mine in front of everyone. I don''t ever want him to be around other guys¡ªthat flirting look in his eyes. Fucking hell, it drove me crazy.


    ''''Are we really doing this?'''' he asks as I run my hands all over his body. He is only in his underwear. We have been going back and forth on this. maybe it is the fear of having sex and then ruining things between us when things are suddenly so great; that is why I have been stalling all night. I don''t have the energy in me anymore to stall on this. I want him so bad.


    ''''I want you; I want this. Please tell me you want this too,'''' I am desperate. You can''t blame me, Trick is fucking beautiful and the look in his eyes right now is not helping matters. I want to make love to him so bad.


    ''''I want this too,'''' he leads me into the bedroom in between kisses, completely abandoning the mission to get food. I just used eating as a way to keep him up. I am not ready to go to bed, I want this night to last for as long as it can. The minute I close my eyes, the sun will come out and there might be some awkwardness.


    He closes the door with a loud bang and pushes me against it. he is being very dominant right now and I like it so much. I want him to take control of this. I want him to want me as much as I want him. He pushes himself towards me and I get a whiff of his scent. His bodywash that I now smell like, thanks to having a shower in his bathroom. I close my eyes as he nibbles and bites at the crook of my neck, sucking on it so hard that it sends chills down my spine. I know it will leave a mark tomorrow. I want it to leave a mark so bad.


    His hands reach for my waist and I feel him tug off my boxers. Yes Trick, have your way with me. I feel my dick rise as the chills from the night and his touch get me excited. This is more than I have ever felt with anyone. Shit, this feels too good to be through.


    I can''t blame this on alcohol. I want everything that is happening right now. He grabs my dick in his hand and starts to stroke gently. This brings out of a moan from my lips, this is shocking to me. I cannot believe my reaction to him. shit, shit, shit.


    He stops stroking me and then grabs my hand, now leading me to the bed. This is what I wanted. Us to get comfortable, make this more romantic. I don''t want to just take him, I want to become one with him. Something I have never wanted to do with anyone else. He sits down on the bed and I watch him shyly take off his underwear. His cheeks are red and the room is bright enough for me to see him. I know deep down, he doesn''t know what to do. we are both new to this but we did it while drunk, so there is no way it would be harder now that we are sober and in our right frames of mind. He lies flat on his back and I can''t help but look at his dick.


    Beautiful and very alluring.


    It is weird that we can find things that we never thought about before as attractive. His dick is the most attractive thing I have seen all day. He is already hard and ready for me. I know this is the point where I take control. I don''t know why but it feels like he is giving in to me. that warms my heart in ways that I have never known. The fact that there are unspoken words between us and I just know.


    I look around the room in search of my wallet. It is on a table in the far corner of the room. I open it up and pull out condoms. This time I am very prepared. I don''t know much about Anal sex, but I also know that this is not the first time we are having sex, so he should be open enough for me.


    As long as I go slow and gentle we should be fine. I walk back to the bed and now he has the sheets covering him. I knew he was shy. That is another thing I am finding out about Trick.


    I keep adding mental notes to the list. All the things I find out about him. The character traits that he has. I want to know everything about him. I want him to know everything about me.


    I slip my legs in between his, pulling the covers off him. He hides his face in embarrassment and I chuckle at how adorable he is being ''''I need to see you, come on Trick,'''' I call his name as I try to get his hands away from his face. slowly, he uncovers his face and I smile completely content with seeing him.


    I place the condoms on the bed. And climb on top of him gently. A soft gasp escapes his lips as I press my lips to his again. The chills taking over completely. Our lips dance to the rhythm of our heartbeats as I press into him, my quest for the closest proximity on its way. He gets harder against me but I don''t stop as our dicks rub against each other, giving more satisfaction than I expected. I keep grinding into him and he squirms beneath me, completely getting lost in the moment. I close my eyes as I try to savour this moment, have this feeling engraved into my brain. I never want to forget how he is making me feel right now.


    I feel blessed, special and fucking loved.


    That is the word for this. I feel loved by Patrick. Since the beginning, since we started hanging out. The fact that I could talk to him the same way I do with Lance. He makes me feel loved.


    I have never felt this kind of love from anyone.


    He doesn''t even need to say it. I fucking feel it.


    Damn.


    I open my eyes and his eyes are open. He is watching me¡ªin a not creepy way, his lips slightly open, they are red and puffy from all the kissing, not that I am complaining. I take a deep breath because my heart is pounding against my chest from the shocking revelation I just made in my mind.


    ''''Thank you,'''' I breathe out deeply.


    Trying to get his breathing controlled, he furrows his brows in confusion. I know he doesn''t know why I am thanking him and he doesn''t need to know. I just want him to know that I am grateful for him. I will always be grateful for the moments we share and I will try my best to make it up to him for as long as I can.


    I lean forward again, pressing my lips to him. this time, the kiss seems more intimate. Maybe it is all in my head but as I hold unto him tighter, I grab him with longing, need and desperation.


    I slide my hands down till I get to his entrance, wanting to be inside him so badly. We are still kissing, so this comes as a surprise to him and he shudders against me. my fingers stay sprawled on his entrance, teasingly as I slide down till my face is just inches away from his chest. I grab his nipple in between my teeth and he jerks back suddenly. I look up at him and his eyes are wide.


    ''''Are you okay?'''' I ask, wanting to make sure.


    He nods his head ''''Yeah, that felt really good. Why does it feel so good.'''' I smile because that is what I was going for. I have always been a boob guy. Girls with tits drive me¡ªsorry, drove me crazy. Patrick doesn''t have tits but I still like the way it feels.


    Great.

 Chapter 104 - Ask Me Again.

    Patrick.


    His finger goes into me and I lose my mind from all the pleasure I am getting tonight. He made me cum with just his mouth and now he is going to be inside me very soon. I close my eyes again as he sucks on my nipple completely lost in whatever he is doing. I didn''t know it could feel that way, apparently my nipple is sensitive because this is a lot.


    More than I ever imagined. I can''t even focus on his mouth on my nipple because his finger pushes deeper into me, opening me up even more. My heart thuds against my chest as the butterflies dance in my tummy. We are having sex, ii have been screaming internally because I didn''t think this night was going to go this way. He has been stalling all night long so you can imagine my surprise. I know what I am going to do. if he wakes up tomorrow and doesn''t have any regrets. I will agree to be his boyfriend. I mean that is all I want. I want to be his and it seems like he wants that too.


    His finger plays around my wall and I arch backwards from the chills as he slides another finger into me. the feeling is completely indescribable. Like how do I even explain how this makes me feel? Words don''t compare. I am in too deep and he knows it because he pushes into me at the same time, he bites my nipple a little too hard. I know it will leave a mark, just like the hickey I left on him. I guess this is his payback¡ªnot that I am complaining.


    I reach for his dick and he grabs my hand with his other hand ''''I won''t be able to hold out If you do that,'''' he looks up at me as he explains. I want him to cum. That seems to be my utmost priority.


    ''''Very soon,'''' he replies almost like he read my mind. slowly he moves up until my lips are on his again. His fingers are still doing their dance inside me. my dick leaks out precum as I feel closer and closer to the edge. It would be insane if he makes me cum just from his fingers. I don''t even think that is possible. His hand movement gets faster, as I feel him go deeper into me.


    My toes curl against the cotton sheets, my hands tremble, my heart races and the faster he goes, the closer I feel to Cumming. I pull away from him slightly with half-closed eyes ''''I..f..eel close,'''' I confess in a stutter.


    He nods and goes even faster; I arch my back as I cum all over my chest. Falling back to the bed, I close my eyes embarrassed and a little guilty. This is the second time, he hasn''t even cum once this night. It feels a little selfish and he wouldn''t let me please him. His fingers are still inside me, slowly I feel them slip out and then grab a packet of condom from the bed where he placed it earlier. He rips the packet open and slips it into his dick; seems like this is not the first time he has done this and then slowly I feel his dick as it presses against my entrance. I look at him, wanting to remember this moment for the rest of my life. his eyes are open, they are dark with lust. I watch the crinkle of his eyes as he pushes his tip into me. this is unlike his fingers. He is big against me. there is a discomfort, but not the kind that hurts. The kind that makes my body know to accommodate him. I take deep breaths as I try to make this last longer. Looking at him, he is watching me, his eyes are wide awake, there is pleasure written all over his face.


    ''''How does it feel, does it hurt? I heard it''s supposed to hurt.'''' He mutters in between heavy breathing.


    I shake my head even though it hurts a little bit. The pleasure I am getting from this is better than the pain, so I don''t want him to stop.


    ''''Should I go deeper?'''' he pushes into me gently as I nod for approval.


    This gets another moan from me ''''Fuck this feels good,'''' I cry out in bliss. He manages a smile as he moves against me, going deeper and faster. I close my eyes as I feel my dick harden. Is this even possible? I have cum two times tonight, but I feel like I could again.


    He quickens his pace and I grab unto the skin on his back wanting him to go even faster ''''Faster,'''' I urge him suddenly enjoying this a little too much.


    He moves faster ''''Yeah?''''


    I nod at once even though I can tell he didn''t see it. we keep moving, him pushing into me, me trying to hold unto him. sweat trickles down his face and falls on me, at this point, our fluids are mixing. Everything about this night is perfect.


    He closes his eyes and I feel him pulsate against me. he is close to his release. This is what I wanted. I want us to cum at the same time.


    ''''I''m gonna cum,'''' he cries out shakingly.


    I nod starting to stroke myself. I feel him stiffen against me and not long after, I feel his release warm up my insides. At this point, he grabs unto my dick and quickens the strokes, the same thing happens to me.


    Holy fucking God.


    Jack falls back on me and I grab him. he doesn''t even mind all the cum on me as he holds me tighter. He breathes heavily against ''''That was¡­'''' he pauses then looks at me ''''Wow.'''' He adds and yes that sums it up.


    It was wow.


    The best sex I have ever had.


    I mean that literally. No one can compare to him. he is going to forever be the one etched to my mind for the rest of my life.


    ''''It was great,'''' I agree not wanting to sound too eager.


    He chuckles against me ''''I am sorry about the mess,.''''


    He is talking about the bed. ''''We can just change the sheets before we fall asleep.''''


    At this point I don''t want to get up, I just want to stay in bed in his arms ''''We need another shower'''' he mutters.


    I smile ''''Yeah we should. can we have one together?''''


    ''''There''s no other way.''''


    **************


    After our shower and new sheets, we crawl back into bed in fresh underwear''s and he wraps his arms around me again.


    I close my eyes, trying to finally get some sleep. The room is quiet, the night is ending but this feels like a new beginning. My relationship with Jack¡ªcan I call it a relationship. I know that he is going to be my boyfriend. I really really want that and there is no way I am going to throw this away for anything. I plan to hold unto him for as long as I can.


    ''''We can''t go back from this,'''' he speaks up suddenly which makes me open my eyes and look at him.


    ''''I don''t want to go back from this,'''' I admit.


    He smiles ''''Be my boyfriend,'''' he asks me again.


    He seems to be so confident about this. I like that he is assertive enough to know he wants me. that makes me feel very good about myself.


    ''''I want that too, I want it so badly.''''


    He sighs ''''Then say yes, let us make this official.''''


    ''Official'' in secret.


    That is what he is asking for. I will not be a secret. I don''t want what Ford and Lance has. I want him out in the open. I want to be proud of him and I want him to be proud of me.


    Is that too much to ask?


    ''''You want us to date in secret, I don''t want that.''''


    He shakes his head ''''I am not doing that to you. I want you to be my boyfriend. The only person that wouldn''t know about this is my father. Everyone else can for all I care.''''


    Oh.


    I get his point. It is not like his father is a supportive kind. The man doesn''t mean anything to him so why should he know about us. I am the kind of person that is interested in meeting the parents. I don''t like parents, so I don''t care about that.


    ''''So, will you?'''' he asks again.


    I release a sigh because deep down, even though it all I was going to say yes to him. There is no denying him, I don''t ever want to deny him.


    I close my eyes. He grabs my hand in his ''''I just need a confirmation. I want to wake up tomorrow and know that you are mine.''''


    ''''Ask me tomorrow. If you feel you still want this tomorrow, then ask me again.''''


    I open my eyes as a smile slowly forms on his face. he doesn''t say a word but I know he is content.


    He knows my answer already.


    Slowly we fall asleep and I have the best sleep of my life.

 Chapter 105 - Testing The Waters.

    Lance.


    A week passes by with us trying to ignore all Lisa''s threats. Once mom and John get back from their honeymoon, Ford becomes scarce. I don''t know what his plan is but we didn''t really talk about anything. He told me he was going to handle it and it is not that I don''t trust him to handle it but what could he possibly do?


    This is a two-way street, we either break up or the jig is up. Ford has been MIA for two days and I am starting to worry. It is six o clock in the evening of the second day. Mom has been all over my face these couple of days. She says she has missed me, but I don''t know, I guess she is being very suspicious.


    There is a knock on my room door and I know she is the one instantly. She peeps into the room with a bright smile on her face. ever since she got married to John, she hasn''t really been going to work. They met in his company, so I think she is milking the fact that she married her boss in.


    ''??Can I come in?'''' she asks politely.


    A little too polite.


    I roll my eyes and without even telling her to come in, she walks into the room and sits on the bed. ''''So, catch me up on the past two weeks,'''' she grins like I would tell her anything that happened.


    ''''Pretty uneventful.''''


    She sighs ''''Come on son. Your mama needs the juices of your life. what is going on? Who is the special guy in your life? All the details please.''''


    She is asking questions that I can never tell her the answers too. At this point, I think telling her about my relationship with Ford is the only way out of this. Ford thinks it is a bad idea but I know he is wrong. My mother will never be against me. she loves me dearly.


    ''''There is no guy.''''


    She rolls her eyes ''''There was a guy last time. Remember the one you were keeping from me.'''' she reminds me.


    ''''I don''t know what you are talking about.''''


    All I have to do is deny, deny, deny. That is the only way I can get through with this bonding. I have to trust Ford. He said I should hold on, so I have to hold on.


    ''''You know you are terrible. When will you be the kind of son that shares their life with their mom?''''


    I doubt there is any teenager that wants to tell their mother everything that is going on in their life. I don''t know which movie she thinks she is living right now. There is no way I will be that kind of son. She only needs to know the important things and right now Ford is the only important thing in my life. I can''t tell her yet.


    I really want to tell her.


    ''''There really is nothing going on in my life. I am as boring as I always was.'''' That is the biggest lie I have told so far. Everything that is happening seems straight out of a teen fiction novel. Lisa is definitely the villain in this story and I want her to be slain so badly.


    ''''Okay, are you going to ask how my honeymoon went?''''


    I shake my head immediately. There is no way in hell I will ask her about that. I don''t need to details on how she spent two weeks with my boyfriend''s father. That is just fucking gross. Even thinking about it makes me want to gag.


    ''''You are actually no fun. I thought I could get you to agree to spend the evening with me. We could watch a movie in the theatre room. Eat ice cream and popcorn. Like we used to do?''''


    The expression on her face is hopeful. I see the longing in her eyes. Right now, saying no to her request will break her heart. I don''t want to break her heart.


    ''''Fine,'''' I give in to her.


    She jumps into my arms and I wrap them around her for a hug. There is no way the woman that wants to spend the evening with me on a movie date wouldn''t support me. I know she will be the best person to tell this to.


    Ford needs time, I will give him time, but the minute I think Lisa is about to spill the beans, I am going to tell her because I don''t want her finding out from someone else.


    **************


    I get to the theatre room and she is already seated on one of the massive couch like chairs. The room is cold, like freezing cold.


    ''''It is too cold in here woman,'''' I exclaim. She looks up from the popcorn she is devouring. This is what she always does. She finishes her popcorn before the movie starts and she ends up eating all of mine.


    ''''Put on the heater?'''' she tells me, pointing to the white box in a corner.


    I walk over and change the temperature. Walking back to her, she passes me one of the popcorns and then plays the movie.


    ''''What are we watching?'''' I ask her.


    She opens her eyes wide ''''you did not just ask that,'''' she exclaims dramatically. I know what we are watching. Mean girls. That is our signature movie. We always spend our movie night watching mean girls.


    ''''Okay mother,'''' the intro starts and she cuddles into me. this is a weird relationship we have. That is why I believe she will be able to help me. The movie starts but my mind is so far out of it. I can''t focus. I have a lot of worries that thinking about a movie is the least of my problems.


    ''''Mom,'''' she looks at me for a second before putting more popcorn into her mouth.


    ''''Do you think John is actually okay with me?''''


    She furrows her brows ''''what do you mean?''''


    I don''t know if this is a good idea but I need to be honest with her, even if it is just a little fraction of the truth.


    ''''Me being gay, is he okay with it?''''


    She grabs the remote control from the chair next to her. This is a sensitive topic and I guess she wants to listen to me with no distractions.


    ''''He is, I made sure I told him about it. Do you think he isn''t?'''' there is worry plastered on her face. I can tell that john accepting me is very important to her.


    ''''I don''t know. I don''t think he is.''''


    She faces me ''''Why do you think so? Did he say anything to you?''''


    The fact that it bothers her so much warms my heart. I take a deep breath because I am going against Ford right now. He said I shouldn''t say anything but I need to see her reaction. How is she going to handle what I am about to tell her?


    ''''Mom, promise you won''t freak out,'''' I need to lay a disclaimer because she is exactly like me. We are both drama queens and I don''t know how she is going to take this.


    ''''He kind of mentioned it to Ford, he doesn''t want him hanging out with me.''''


    She furrows her brows ''''He said that to Brad,'' her eyes shift back and forth. Okay, I can sense that she is upset but it is too late to stop this.


    ''''Yes.''''


    She pulls away from me and sits up on the couch ''''When did this happen?'''' her voice is more firm.


    ''''A while back. You can''t talk to him about it. He will get mad at Ford,'''' I try to deter her from being more upset.


    With her head shaking, she stands up from the couch. I don''t know what she wants to do but suddenly I regret saying anything to her. If she confronts John, he will take it out on Ford and it will all be my fault. He told me to keep quiet about it all and now I have messed things up.


    ''''I need to know, I can''t just keep quiet about this. He said he was okay with you being gay. He didn''t have any problems with it.''''


    ''''I know, he''s okay with me being gay but he doesn''t want his son to be gay.'''' I explain further. She needs to see the bigger picture. There are some people that say they are okay with it, as long as it doesn''t involve them. John is one of those people.


    ''''I need to ask him,'''' she cries.


    ''''You can''t. He will get mad.''''


    ''''John is not an angry person. I just want to talk to him about it. I won''t mention Brad. I just need to know if I made a mistake.''''


    I know for a fact that she made a mistake. From the things, I have heard. The situation of everything. John is not a good person. He hasn''t been a good father to Ford.


    ''''Okay,'''' I agree dejectedly.


    We will see how this turns out but I hope it doesn''t backfire and bite me in the ass.

 Chapter 106 - Fixing Things

    Lance.


    ''''You guys are dating?''''


    There is a smile on my face. I knew this was going to happen. I felt it, I just didn''t expect it to happen so soon. It has just been a week since he told me and now they are dating.


    Jack is dating a boy.


    Holy shit. This is exciting and if I didn''t have other things to worry about I would be very excited about this.


    ''''Yeah, I just thought to let you know. Trick doesn''t want to keep it from you. Somehow you are important to him.''''


    I guess he is right, Patrick is important to me but at this moment all I can think about is the nickname he has for the guy.


    ''''You call him Trick?'''' I can''t help but ask.


    He blushes, I mean Jack actually turns red because we are talking about his boyfriend. This si the cutest thing I have ever seen. I am already so in love with their relationship.


    ''''How are things with the blackmail?'''' he asks me, changing to topics. I appreciate his concern because I am really worried about a lot of things. This is all too much for me. the last thing I did was talk to mom about her husband. She said she was going to confront him, but I haven''t heard anything from her. That was yesterday, I mean, it shouldn''t take that long to talk to him.


    ''''What are you going to do, and have you tried calling Ford?''''


    Ford has been AWOL. I hate that he left me for this long without explaining anything. I don''t like it when he disappears. I hate it so much.


    ''''He answers, just doesn''t talk for long. I asked him where he went and he said he went to see family. What does that even mean?''''


    Jack shrugs ''''You trust the guy, right?''''


    I trust Ford with my whole being but I also know that he tends to disappear when things get rough. This time, I am saying it is because of his disorder. I found out that night he was battling depression alongside. He told me something that I would''ve never imagined and the next morning, he disappeared. I should be panicking right now but I trust him so much and I know he is not going to do anything. He has me in his life and I am not letting him go. Not for anyone or anything.


    ''''He said I should trust him and I completely trust him but I just have a weird feeling about this.''''


    He sighs ''''Come on man, don''t be a downer. I actually believe that he can handle Lisa. They have been friends long before you came into the picture. You don''t have to worry about anything.''''


    There is a video on her phone that shows us having sex and he is saying that I don''t have anything to worry about. I don''t want to take out my frustrations on him.


    ''''I gotta go, man, I stand up from the chair. We were having lunch in the cafeteria. I don''t even feel like being here right now, not that this is Jack''s fault but he doesn''t understand what I am going through. No one understands, what I am going through.


    I go out of the building until I get to the field that divides both schools. Ford hasn''t been to school for a week, I haven''t seen him for a week and I miss him so much. Is this how it is going to feel if his father succeeds in splitting us up?


    I sit down under a tree, I used to frequent this field before I met Ford. I always felt this loneliness that he has been able to fill. Now he is nowhere in sight and I feel the void again. Sitting under the shade of the tree, I open the gaming app on my phone and start to play. Video games most times fill that void but today, it doesn''t feel like that is going to happen.


    A call interrupts my game and I see Ford''s picture on the screen. The last time he called was last night. We spoke for about five minutes and then he said he had to go, it wasn''t enough, hence why I have been missing him so much. He is calling me on facetime. I get to see his face today.


    Fuck yeah.


    I answer the call immediately and his beautiful face fills up the screen. That void, that loneliness disappears instantly. Just from seeing his face, I don''t feel so alone anymore.


    ''''Hey,'''' he breathes through the phone.


    There are dark circles around his eyes, he looks like he hasn''t slept in a while. Worry fills me immediately.


    ''''hi,'''' I decide to ignore it for the time being. I just want to talk to him like there are no problems in our life. I just want a normal relationship for once. Is that too hard to ask for?


    ''''I miss you,'''' he smiles faintly, running his hands through his hair.


    ''''I miss you too, when are you coming back?'''' I need to ask because I need to know. I cant continue missing him like this. I want him to talk to me, tell me what he is up to.


    ''''Soon.''''


    He is being very vague¡ªas per usual.


    ''''Why can''t you tell me where you went, why is it so hard for you to talk to me?''''


    So much for ignoring all our problems. I didn''t want to attack him on this call but he is pissing me the fuck off. Ford has a problem with being transparent. He hides too much and I don''t know what to do to get him to trust me. he says he does but he doesn''t act as if he does.


    ''''I will explain this all to you when I get home. Just give me a couple of days.'''' He dismisses my reaction.


    I shake my head ''''You have been gone for a week. You left without even telling me and now you want me to give you a couple of days. I am going to tell my mother everything. Lisa could leak that video at any time.''''


    I am freaking out.


    I know a freak out when I see one.


    He can tell too. I watch him as he runs his fingers through his hair. His eyes close for a second ''''Telling your mother would just make this work. I need you to be patient with me. you have to trust me.''''


    I don''t tell him that I already told her a bit about John. This will just make him all the more upset with me.


    Shit.


    ''''Give me something. You can''t just leave me without a word.''''


    He sighs and then a faint smile forms on his face ''''Look, I thought about it that night. I couldn''t sleep, knowing we could end at any moment. I need to get away from my father. That is the only way this can work out. I am still underage. We both are, so he has all the control.''''


    ''''And?'''' I manage still as confused as earlier.


    ''''I know one person that has more power than he does. My grand uncle. I went to see him. I told him everything.''''


    I don''t know how his uncle is going to help us right now but at least he is telling me where he is.


    ''''Okay.''''


    He smiles ''''Just trust me. I will handle Lisa. Everything will be okay.'''' He assures me, I already know that things are not as easy as he is making it out to be.


    ''''I really want you back,'''' I groan out loud like a cry baby. A notification pops up on my phone and I see a message from my mom.


    Mom: Come home after school.


    Shit.


    This must have something to do with Ford and his father. The confession I made two nights ago. Oh my God. If Ford finds out about this, it will make things worse.


    ''''I will be home soon. I just need to get Lisa sorted. Can you wait two more days?'''' he bats his lashes playfully.


    I like playful Ford. He is everything and more.


    ''''What do you plan to do when you get back?'''' now I am flirting. This is progress for us. I will take it for now.


    Eventually, Ford would learn to open up to me. he will learn to be transparent. Know that he can trust me. that is all I want from him.


    ''''I plan to kiss the fuck out of you.'''' He smiles.


    My heart melts.


    I miss his kisses.


    Shit, I miss everything about him. this man found his way into my heart and there is no exit. He is stuck there even though he tried. I will always love him. I will always want him.


    ''''You are special,'''' he reminds me.


    He said the same thing that night. I am special. I am the reason he is still alive today¡ªliterally.


    ''''You are special too,''''


    I end the call with a goofy smile on my face and a call from mom pops up immediately.


    ''''What did you do?'''' I answer the call.


    ''''I fixed things. Get home when you can, we will be waiting for you.''''


    We?


    God, no.

 Chapter 107 - Beat The Gay Out Of You

    Jack.


    We have been dating for a week and two days.


    I mean, this is very weird for me. He is not my first relationship, but it feels like he is. The significance of this relationship outweighs all my others. For the first time in a relationship, I am honest with the person. When I look at Trick, I want to tell him everything. Share my whole life with him.


    That is just how I feel.


    ''''Come in,'''' I hear his voice through the door after my gentle knock. He looks up from the canvass in front of him and gives me a warm smile. That smile melts my heart, into a gooey mess. Just a smile from Trick and I am weak in the knees.


    I move closer to the corner and stand behind him. He is seated on a little stool with a paintbrush in his grip. I plant a soft kiss on his lips and he deepens the kiss by pulling me closer with his free hand. The paintbrush falls to the floor with a soft thud on the carpet and I slide my tongue into his mouth, wanting to taste more of him. We kiss for a couple of seconds before he pulls back and rests his head on my forehead. Kissing Patrick brings out the same feelings in me like the first time I kissed him. The Joy within me bursts out.


    This boy will be the death of me.


    ''''I didn''t think you''d be home. I just took a chance.'''' I tell him.


    I left school early, usually, Ford always drops Lance but he has been MIA, these past couple of days. I feel Lance slipping away from his usual self. Everything that is happening is taking a till on me and there is nothing I can do to help him. I called Ford today. I needed to let him know that he was hurting my friend. He can''t just disappear and leave him without any word. I know that is just a character trait he has. He likes to sort things out on his own. Keep things hidden from Lance. I don''t know if he will ever be completely transparent with my best friend but I wish he would.


    I talked to him and warned him to talk to Lance. He sounded terrible. I am sure he sorted things out. Today, John''s driver picked Lance up so I didn''t have to drop him off. There is a lot of suspicious with that, this was a first and Lance left completely worried. I guess we will find out what it is about later.


    ''''I left the gallery early. There is a showing next month and Adina wants me to show my work again.''''


    I am so proud of Trick. The way he handles his life. With so much maturity. I look up to him and he has no clue.


    ''''This looks good,'''' we both turn to the painting. The painting looks fresh, almost like he just started but to me, it is already beautiful.


    ''''I just started. I am having a tough time with this,'''' he confesses.


    ''''Do you want a distraction?''''


    He smiles ''''I don''t mind a distraction,'''' he mutters pulling me even closer. I close my eyes because this is everything to me. His smile, the way he looks at me. I have never felt this way about anyone before.


    ''''Go out with me, on a date.''''


    His eyes open wide, ''''I thought we were going to keep it low for now?''''


    I shrug, pulling him even closer, being with Jack makes me want it all. I don''t want to lay low with him, I want to go out with him in front of everyone. I want people to see us and feel jealous that I have him all to myself. Yeah, I know that is conceited but he makes me want it all with him, to the point where it is driving me crazy.


    ''''I want to take you out, can we do that?'''' I bat my lashes, trying to be cute. It works because the smile on his face widens. I already know he is giving in to me. I can always get away with anything when it comes to Trick. That is another thing I love about him. Shit, I don''t mean love, I don''t want to go that far yet and say, love. We are still figuring each other out; taking things slow. It would be weird to say I love him so soon, even though right now this feels so much like love.


    ''''Another club?'''' he asks.


    I place my hand on my chest feigning hurt ''''Wow, what kind of guy do you think I am. I can take my boyfriend out on a proper date.''''


    He laughs at my reaction ''''you just seem like a fun, fun guy. I would think those are the only places you like to go.''''


    I roll my eyes playfully ''''How about I surprise you, treat you like the prince you are.''''


    He chuckles, I sense the nervousness in his voice. The fact that I make him nervous makes me feel even more special. I like this so much.


    ''''We don''t have to do anything special,'''' he dismisses.


    I shake my head immediately, pulling back from him. I look at his clothes and he is dressed in a pair of ripped shorts that are stained with different colors of paint, his shirt is short-sleeved and very messy too.


    ''''Go on, change into something nice and I will be back to get you,'''' I give him a wink. He stands up from the stool and walks over to me, grabbing both of my hands in his ''''I want to show you how much you mean to me.''''


    With a smile, he nods gently ''''Okay,'''' he agrees to my excitement.


    I leave him and go back to my apartment. I haven''t seen my dad all through this week. The best part of my days is when I don''t have to come home to him. The fact that he is absent makes my life more enjoyable. I change my clothes hurriedly and grab my wallet from the table beside my bed. The living room is dark when I walk in, as I am about to walk through the door, I hear the jangling of keys. My heart freezes in my chest. Shit, I already know who it is. Why does he have to be back now; of all times?


    The door opens and he frowns when he sees me. Our relationship is mutual. He hates me just as much as I hate him. I don''t even know why I got someone like him as a father.


    ''''Where are you off to?'''' he mutters uninterestedly.


    Most times, I try to ignore him. This man fuels on attention if I give it to him. He will win and right now, I am still in my bubble. Theo one that involves Jack and all the happiness he brings to my life.


    I succeed in passing but the moment I feel his grip on my hoodie, I know he is not going to let me go just like that. I can smell the alcohol on him. He is very drunk right now. His eyes are droopy and his words are slurred. Talking to him right now will be futile and it will only lead to the kind of interaction I don''t want.


    ''''I am talking to you boy,'''' he yells as he tosses me to the corner of the living room. I feel my back hit the wall roughly. It will most definitely leave a bruise. I try to stand up but he walks over to me in so much speed that I know today is going to be one of those days. Whenever he is frustrated, he takes it out on me. I don''t know what must have happened to him today but he seems to be in that mood.


    ''''I am just going out with Lance,'''' I tell him because the faster he gets off my back the better it is for me.


    ''''Your faggot boyfriend,'''' he snarls those words that make me even hate him more. He hates Lance just as much as he hates me, even though Lance and his mother are the only family I have. They have been there for me a lot more than he has.


    ''''He is not my boyfriend,'''' I retort, knowing full well that this is a mistake. I don''t aggravate him, usually, I like to stay quiet but I can''t right now. somehow this is all a lot more relatable to me. he used that offensive word. Before I would have ignored him but now I am now part of the community.


    His grip is still on me and as I try to budge free away from his hold, he just holds on tighter ''''You know, the best way to get this queer shit out of you is to beat it out. Pain never hurt any one,'''' he smiles evilly. Beat the gay out of me. this is a new low, even for him.


    ''''I am not gay,'''' I shout so loud with so much anger within me. this makes him push me again, to the wall. This time, the hit is instant. I feel the punch as he swings his fist to my nose. There is a crack. The kind that sounds like a break.. The pain numbing to me.

 Chapter 108 - Lean On Me

    Patrick.


    It''s been a couple of hours since he left my apartment.


    I have tried calling him but he hasn''t answered any of my calls. Do I really have any reason to worry? It is not like something could''ve happened to him in such a short amount of time. He said he was going to change his clothes. We had a date planned and now he has disappeared on me.


    This is what happens to me, I start to think the worst of situation.


    What if he changed his mind and he doesn''t want this anymore?


    Something terrible could have happened to him. I dial his number again in the hopes that he would pick up this time but it just goes straight to voicemail. My hands tremble as I grip the phone tightly. Completely going crazy with worry.


    I have to make sure something didn''t happen to him. I don''t know how he will feel about me going to his apartment but I need to be sure. I need to make sure he is okay. I get to his apartment and knock on the door gently. If he is here, he will answer and I can make sure he is okay. I can hear rummaging through the door and then footsteps get closer.


    The door opens finally but it is not Jack. A man in his mid-forties looks at me with an angry expression on his face. I take it this is his father. The look on his face is giving me the creeps but I came here to make sure Jack is okay. So I can''t leave without seeing him¡ªat least.


    ''''Who are you?'''' the man mutters harshly, his voice is deep and very coarse. There is nothing friendly about this man. No single resemblance to Jack. Jack always has a smile on his face, he is the life of the party; very kind and caring. This man looks like he doesn''t give a shit about anyone but himself. This is what he has to live with every day.


    No wonder he was so hesitant about starting things between us.


    '''' I am a friend of Jack, is he home?'''' I ask wanting to end this conversation faster.


    He raises his brow in a curious way and I stand in front of him, unsure of what else to say. This is very awkward for me. I hate parents. I just never got along with them. My parents are nothing to talk about, I had no choice but to be with them. Other parents¡ªnot so much.


    ''''He is not here,'''' the man shuts the door on my face.


    He doesn''t even wait for me to leave. What a fucking jerk. I stand in front of the door, completely taken aback. This is the first time I''ve met his father and I see why he hates him so much. The man smelled of alcohol all through our encounter. He had this look that says ''stay away''.


    I go back to my apartment, now even getting more worried. Jack will not just disappear on me like that. Something must have happened to him. I don''t know what to do. The only person I can talk to about this is Lance. I don''t know how weird it would be, calling him and asking about Jack but I need to make sure he is okay. I am so worried that my heart feels like it is about to explode.


    I dial Lance''s number and it takes a while for him to pick up ''''this is not a good time,'''' he whispers into the phone.


    ''''Hey, wait. Something is wrong with Jack, I can''t find him anywhere.'''' I rush to tell him before he hangs up.


    ''''What do you mean?'''' his voice gets louder.


    ''''We were supposed to hang out over two hours ago. I have tried calling him, he didn''t answer. When I went to his apartment, his dad said he wasn''t home.''''


    ''''His dad is home?'''' he asks immediately.


    ''''Yes.''''


    ''''Did he seem drunk?'''' I can sense the worry in between the lines of his voice. Just the mention of his father and I get this reaction from him.


    ''''Did you check my apartment?'''' he mutters.


    ''''No, do you think he could be there?''''


    ''''Yeah, just go to my place. That is the only place he likes to go to when his father is home.''''


    That stings because I wish he''d want to be with me to escape. I know he has had a longer relationship with Lance than me but I want to be that escape for him. I want to be the one he can rely on. I wish he had come to my place. Even though Lance doesn''t seem to be worried anymore. I still am. He was supposed to meet up with me, he was very excited about this date, so he wouldn''t just disappear like that. He wouldn''t just leave me hanging.


    I go down to Lance''s floor and knock on the door. There is silence on the other side fo the door. The walls of this building are very thin. I should be able to hear him If he is inside.


    ''''Jack,'''' I call his name anxiously.


    I need to find him. There is this part of me that feels like something is terribly wrong. I hate that I have these thoughts in my head but this is just how I am.


    I think the worst.


    ''''Please if you are here, let me know. I am worried.'''' I cry through the doors. There is this desperation inside me that I can''t hide anymore.


    I suddenly hear the footsteps and there is a relief that takes over, knowing he is actually here. The click of the lock sounds and I see him but my eyes can''t stop staring at the sight in front of me. His nose is red and bloody. A little crooked. There is a cut on his lip and a black eye, well the bruise on the eye is a bright purple. The freshness of it, shining.


    I just saw him.


    There was a smile on his face. He wanted to take me out. Treat me like a prince. What happened in the span of those hours?


    ''''Jack,'''' I reach for him but he looks away from me, looking down at his feet. There is a bag of frozen peas in his grip; probably to help with the pain.


    ''''I''m fine,'''' he mutters even though I didn''t ask.


    He doesn''t look fine. He looks beaten up and in pain.


    ''''Your dad?'''' I ask rhetorically. There is no need to question. It is so obvious that he was hurt by that bastard. I reach for him again and this time he doesn''t pull back. Slowly I pull his face up with chin and his eyes are red. God, how could someone do this to him? My beautiful man. The light in his eyes, the one that is always there seems to be dim.


    ''''Your nose is broken,'''' I point out.


    I know the bruises that come with a beating. This is nothing new to this. I have been through all this before. The only difference with this is that they are just bruises. They weal heal and he can forget about it. Mine are scars. I am always reminded every time I look in the mirror.


    ''''I know. It will heal.''''


    I shake my head ''''Babe, we need to get you to a hospital.''''


    ''''This is not my first rodeo. I don''t have to go to a hospital.''''


    If he doesn''t go to a hospital. His nose will always be crooked. I don''t want him to have to be reminded of this every time. We can still fix it. ''''Please. I''ll drive you.''''


    He manages a smile but I can see that it hurts to even move his face ''''on your motorbike?''''


    ''''With your car. Hell, if I have to call an uber.''''


    '''' I don''t want to go to a hospital.'''' He dismisses me.


    I wish he''d listen to me. Trust me, I want to help him. God, I hate that this is happening to him. Seeing him in pain, wishing I could take all that pain from him.


    I want to do something.


    Anything.


    ''''Please. This will make me stop worrying.''''


    He sighs loudly, pulling me into the apartment. His white shirt is bloody; probably from his nose. He is dressed in different clothes from when he left me. He was so excited about this date and now it is fucking ruined.


    ''''I don''t have insurance. Going to the hospital right now will be expensive. I can''t fucking afford it.'''' I freeze from his honesty. I didn''t expect him to be that open with me. My heart melts from it.


    ''''I can pay. Let me help.''''


    He shakes his head ''''I will never ask that of you. Please don''t make me stoop that fucking low.''''


    That''s the problem. His pride is in the way. He doesn''t want to lean on me right now. Jack is not the kind of person that is dependent on people. I want him to lean on me so badly.


    I wish he would.

 Chapter 109 - You Are My Light

    Jack.


    This is so freaking embarrassing. I didn''t want him to see me like this. I should''ve called. Given an excuse to postpone the date but I couldn''t as my phone is still in the apartment and with the way I left, I can''t even go back for it. I don''t usually aggravate him. I don''t know what came over me tonight. I should''ve just indulged him for a couple of minutes and then left. It would have been so easy but I had to fire up his anger and now look at what has happened.


    ''''Please Jack,'''' he uses that soothing voice that I can''t resist.


    I can''t ask him to take care of me. Once I do, this thing between us will be ruined. We are still in the early stages of our relationship. I like him too much to do this.


    ''''I can''t ask you to do this,'''' I reply dead-pan.


    The last thing I would do is take our relationship to that level. It has just been a week. I cannot and will not ask him to pay my bills. That is not what this is about.


    ''''Fine. I will handle my bills on my own. We can go to the hospital,'''' I accept in defeat. I don''t have enough money in my account. I depend on Lance a lot. His mom is the one that handles most of my bills. She takes care of me as she would her own. Lance is the only one I can ask for this without feeling guilty. Trick might think I am using him if I do this. I don''t want him to think badly about me. I know eventually if this thing between us works out. I might get to that point where I can rely on him but for now, it is too soon.


    I see the look on his face. He wants to argue. ''''I have enough for this. It will be fine,'''' I try to assure him. I don''t even believe my own words. This is not the first time he has hurt me but this is the first time I have been convinced to go to the hospital. I just can''t refuse him.


    ''''I''ll drive. Do you want to change your clothes?''''


    I nod and walk into Lance''s bedroom. His cupboard is open and very messy as usual. I grab a clean shirt from it and close it for him. Pulling the one I have off, I drop it on the bed, Trick peeks into the room, the worried expression still on his face. "Do you need help?'''' he asks.


    I manage a smile, even though it hurts ''''Come here,'''' I stretch my arms out towards him and he walks into the room ''''I don''t mind a hug right now,'''' Trick in my arms will definitely make me feel better. He smiles warmly and buries himself in my arms. The warmth of his body soothes me as I pull him closer. I knew this would make me feel better. Trick is my light, he makes me feel like all this could get better. I breathe into his neck, tightening my arms around his waist. All the pain I felt, evaporates. I don''t feel my face, all I feel is him at this moment.


    ''''I wish you didn''t have to go through this. I wish I could take your pain away,'''' he cries in my arms. I know that Patrick has gone through something similar. When I talk to him about his past, he likes to brush it off. He has completely let go of his past, I wish I could let go of it the same way he has.


    ''''You''re here now. That is all that matters to me.''''


    You see, Lance used to be the shoulder I would cry on after an encounter with my dad but now, this feels right. I want him to be that for me. I don''t mind making him my solace. He is my favourite person right now. ''''You don''t have to stay in that house, stay with me.''''


    I pull away from him at his words. He is asking another impossible thing. I don''t want to stay with him. I don''t want to be like a pest in his life. This thing is still fresh. I can''t ruin this.


    ''''I''m fine. Really. Can you trust me?''''


    ''''I know what could happen. He will never stop until you are dead.''''


    Like I said earlier, I know Trick can relate to this. Something similar must have happened to him. He went through the same things I am going through now. I don''t think my dad wants me dead. He just likes to hurt me, make sure I feel pain. He says every day of his life is painful. The reminder that I am his son, so he wants me to know how he feels when he wakes up each morning. To him, I am good for nothing. I will never amount to anything.


    ''''I am almost eighteen, just a couple of months and I don''t have to be in his reigns. Just let me handle it the way I have been doing.''''


    Lance has tried to get me out of that apartment, his mother has intervened but the truth is, he is still my father and I don''t just want to completely abandon him. He has been a drunkard all his life. He doesn''t know anything else. I can see him slowly slipping away from this world without me.


    ''''I don''t like that he hurt you,'''' he cries softly. The sound of his voice at this moment is heartbreaking.


    ''''I am fine. I swear it doesn''t even hurt.'''' That is a lie, it hurts like a bitch but I am trying to comfort him. I don''t want him beating himself up for this ''''you don''t have to worry about this, I promise I can handle this.'''' I caress his face gently, wanting him to be okay.


    He closes his eyes as my palm rests on his cheek, slowly I lean forward for a kiss. It is quick and gentle¡ªlasting for only a second ''''you being here is more than enough right now.''''


    He manages a faint smile ''''Come on, let''s go to the hospital. We need to make sure everything is okay.''''


    ''''Can I borrow your phone for a second?'''' I ask him because I need to call Lance. I need to ask him for the money. I don''t know if this is a good time because he is supposed to be with John and his mom. The last I spoke to him, he said it felt like an ambush and that has me worried, cause of the things that are happening with him. This is kind of an emergency though and I know he would drop everything to help me; just like I would for him.


    Trick raises a brow in suspicion. I don''t want to tell him that I want to ask him for money, I don''t want him to feel like Lance is somehow more important to me. That is not why I am doing this. I am just not at that point where I want to bother him with things like this.


    ''''I just want to let him know that I am okay,'''' I lie. I know he knows that is not the case but he doesn''t argue. He brings his phone out of his pocket and hands it over to me.


    ''''I''ll be outside,'''' he lets go of me and walks out of the room.


    I dial Lance and he answers on the first ring, the worry evident in his voice ''''did you find him?'''' he speaks up.


    So Trick called him.


    I knew it was kind of weird that he found me here. It means a lot that he would go as far as calling Lance to make sure I am okay. Fuck, this guy is crawling deeper into my heart. Pretty soon, I will be unable to let him go.


    ''''I am fine.''''


    Lance releases a sigh of relief ''''Fuck dude, did he try anything this time?'''' he asks immediately. Like I said this is not the first time my dad has hit me and it won''t be the last. I just need to learn to control myself with him.


    ''''Yeah, I need a favour. Cant talk for too long.''''


    ''''Okay.''''


    ''''I need some money from the one your mom keeps aside for me. I know I said I wouldn''t need it but I kinda need to go to the hospital.''''


    ''''What? How bad is it this time? Switch to video call, lemme see,'''' not long after, the phone makes a beeping sound and I see the facetime video request.


    I press the green answer button and his face blares up ''''What the actual fuck Jack. How did this happen?'''' he shouts into the phone. He looks like he is in a hallway. I definitely know that this call is a distraction to whatever is going on with him and I wish we could talk about that instead but I know he wouldn''t.


    ''''It''s not as bad as it looks,'''' I try to dismiss his reaction.


    ''''You look like you were in an accident.''''


    Yeah, Lance is a drama queen as usual.


    ''''Can we talk about this later. I don''t want Trick to worry. He won''t let me sit this out at home and I don''t have any money for the hospital.''''


    ''''sure, you know where the card is. The first drawer. Just take it.''''


    I end the call, grab the card from the drawer and walk out to the living room. Trick is seated on the couch, he stands up immediately ''''Ready.''''


    I manage a nod ''''Yeah,'''' and with that, we leave the apartment.

 Chapter 110 - My Beautiful Man

    Patrick.


    We get to the hospital and we walk into the reception together. All through he held my hand, I mean it feels great, knowing he is not the kind of person to be all PDA and shit but I know this is bothering him more than he is letting on. Everything is taking a toll on him. I know how it feels, the pain that comes when it all registers in your mind. He will go through it. He was beaten today, by the man that is supposed to protect him.


    We sit on the chairs in the waiting area and I squeeze his hand comfortingly. He manages a faint smile. I can''t really see it with all the bruises on his face. For a while, those bruises will be there and I will be reminded of this day. I am going to take him away from this life, I won''t let him suffer. I know right now, he is still wary because this thing between us is new. He doesn''t want to fully depend on me because this is not certain. I am already sure about him, I want to take care of him. Protect him from all the hurt that comes with this life we live.


    ''''Wait here, let me talk to the nurse,'''' he points to the woman by the reception.


    I wish I could be doing everything for him. I don''t like that he wants to do this alone but I will be patient with him. He walks to her and she smiles welcoming him. Her face is pretty friendly so I can already tell it would be easy for him. She gives him a form and he walks back to me, for the first time, I see him hold his stomach, almost like it hurts. I don''t know what other parts of his body got injured but now I start to think that there might be more bruises on the parts I cant see.


    ''''So I just gotta fill this form and the doctor will see me,'''' he announces as he sits down.


    I am quiet because I am battling a lot internally. This hurts a lot more than I thought it would. It feels like this is happening to me. I am so angry, I want to kill his father. I want him to feel the same pain he inflicted on Jack. How can you see someone so beautiful and perfect and do this much damage on them?


    ''''You good?'''' he asks and I notice that he is watching me with worry in his eyes.


    ''''Yeah, do you need help?''''


    He shakes his head returning the smile. He is still trying to make me feel better. He is hurt and somehow he wants to make sure that I am okay. How did I get so lucky? There is no letting him go¡ªever.


    We see the doctor and his wounds are treated. The questions they ask vary from how he got the injury, and others. He lies about everything. I don''t blame him. For now, he is still underage. The moment he says something, like how this was caused by his father. The doctors will involve CPS. Once child protective services get involved. Things wouldn''t be easy for him. The best thing is to lie, pretend like it happened some other way. I just want him to get treated.


    Sure enough, his nose is broken, just like I suspected. We leave the hospital and I drive us back home in his car. Once we get to the parking lot of the apartment. He lets out a long breath of relief. Almost like he has been holding that in all day.


    ''''Are things going to be weird between us now?'''' he asks solemnly.


    I furrow my brows in confusion. ''''What do you mean?'''' I don''t even understand what he is saying. Why will things be weird?


    ''''I don''t want things to change. Can we just go back to a few hours before you found me?''''


    Why would he want me to forget about this? This is a significant step in our relationship. I had my suspicions; when he told me that he didn''t want to go home. The moment you avoid your own home. The place that is supposed to be your sanctuary, something is definitely wrong and now that I know, I want to make my home his home. Why would he want me to forget about this when I look at his face and it is a reminder?


    ''''I don''t want to forget,'''' I dismiss his request.


    ''''I like us in our bubble. Things are great right now. I don''t want things to change.'''' He sounds very desperate. I think change isn''t always bad.


    ''''We are getting closer, is there anything wrong with getting closer?''''


    He sighs and then runs his hands through his hair, his beautiful hair. Suddenly red is has become my favourite colour. It looks like this is hard for him. I don''t think he has ever shown anyone this vulnerable side of him. Except for lance of course.


    ''''I don''t want you to pity me. I don''t need your pity.''''


    I haven''t pitied him once since I saw him. I have had different emotions, anger, and sadness but never once did I feel pity for him. The fact that he still smiles even with all he is going through makes me admire him the more. He is strong and brave. He is fucking perfect.


    ''''I don''t pity you,'''' that is the truth.


    He scoffs ''''everyone pities me, even Lance.''''


    I shake my head immediately ''''I know what you''re going through. I have been there. So many times, I wished things were different. I have the scars to prove it.'''' I point to the scar on my face. The day my father hit me with an award I got. Used the one thing that gave me joy to bring pain into my life.


    ''''We don''t have to talk about this,''''


    ''''I want to talk about this.''''


    ''''Why?'''' he asks.


    ''''You are important to me. I can''t stand the thought of him hurting you again.''''


    He smiles at my confession ''''He is not usually like this, only when I argue with him or aggravate him. Today was a mistake. I usually know how to handle him.''''


    I used to be like this too. I''d always justify the abuse. One day, I''d say it was an accident. The next, I''d say he didn''t mean it. That''s usually how it went but I know better now. When someone lays a finger on you. There is no justifying it.


    He will get there, I will make sure he gets to that point in his life where he doesn''t just accept the abuse straight up. I want him to see that it is not okay and there is better out there.


    ''''Okay,'''' I accept.


    I don''t want to overwhelm him with too much. I know that he doesn''t trust me one hundred percent but we are getting there. I will get to that point where he can talk to me.


    ''''Just okay?'''' he raises a brow in disbelief.


    I smile ''''let''s put a pause on this discussion today. How about that date, can we do that now?''''


    He shakes his head ''''I am not feeling up for going out tonight.''''


    I don''t blame him. He looks battered up.


    ''''We can have it at home. I will get food and desert. We can watch a movie, cuddle up in bed. What do you say?'''' I ask him hopeful that he doesn''t want to spend the night alone.


    I want to be with him tonight¡ªespecially after what he has been through.


    ''''I''m kinda tired. Maybe some other day?''''


    No, no, I don''t want to let him go right now.


    ''''Please, I know I have been quite demanding tonight. Just this last thing. I promise.'''' I bat my lashes and this gets a chuckle from him.


    ''''Can I have a shower at yours?''''


    I nod ''''Yeah anything you want.''''


    He laughs again, reaching for me. I grab his hand midair and he closes his eyes, letting out a soft breath. I look at him closely for the first time today. Not seeing the bruises anymore. This doesn''t define him, this doesn''t make him who he is. Jack is an amazing person. I never thought I would see him like this but he is. Everything about him, from the way he talks to how he cares about the people in his life.


    ''''You are beautiful,'''' I blurt out what is in my head at the moment.


    He opens his eyes and the smile is back on his face ''''Even with all this,'''' he gestures to the bruises.


    I nod incessantly ''''Yes, even with all the bruises. I am so lucky to have you in my life. Thank you for being here.''''


    With Jack, I don''t feel lonely anymore. I feel like I finally belong. I didn''t think it would be possible but he came into my life and made things brighter, better and happier.


    I am never letting him go.

 Chapter 111 - Show Your True Self

    Lance.


    The drive home is nerve-wracking. I don''t know what is going on and my mind is amess. This is all my doing. I am the one that went ahead to talk to my mom even though Ford said I should wait and now I have to bear the consequences of my actions.


    I panic all through the drive, not having a clue on what is happening. so I know she talked to John. Just like she said she would but what was I even thinking. This thing could escalate. It is not like I have any plans on telling her about me and Ford. She is married to his father. There is no way she will accept this.


    Now my plan on telling her feels stupid.


    Ford is going to be pissed at me.


    I get the house and George looks at me through the rearview mirror. That usual blank expression that he has on his face is plastered. I raise a brow at him ''''How good of a mood was your boss?'''' I ask curious to know the situation of things. If he Is upset then I know things have gone south. This is all my fault, what was the point of telling her, what did I think she would do for me?


    He shrugs through the mirror ''''Same as he usually is.''''


    I sigh loudly because that is of no help to me. John is a pretender, from all I know, I haven''t seen his true side and I think my mom hasn''t either.


    I get down from the car without another word. There is nothing more to say. I guess I will find out when I get to the house. Once inside, everywhere is quiet as it usually is. So I have to look around for them. I find mom first, in the kitchen. She smiles widely when she sees me and grabs my arm as she gets closer ''''I fixed things. You are going to be so proud of me.'''' she praises herself.


    I don''t know what she thinks she has done but I doubt she fixed anything. If anything, she has probably stirred the pot.


    ''''What did you do?'''' I ask wanting to know what I am getting myself into. If she went as far as to mention Ford then I know we are in big trouble.


    ''''I told him how you felt. I needed to know if he has a problem with you,'''' she beams.


    I raise a brow ''''And?''''


    Still smiling ''''He wants to talk to you. Assure you that he doesn''t care that you''re gay. He is a great guy.'''' She blushes already daydreaming about him.


    God, she is so in love that she has no fucking clue.


    ''''Did you mention Ford?'''' I ask wanting to know if he is involved in this.


    I see the guilty ridden expression on her face before she says anything. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She promised me that she wouldn''t. God, not right now.


    ''''Mom,'''' I scold her.


    I push her hand away from my arm but she is quick to grab unto it again ''''Hear me out. I had to mention him. He Needed to know the lies his son has been telling.''''


    Lies.


    What the fuck is she saying?


    ''''He didn''t lie. How could you do this?''''


    Ford is going to be pissed at me.


    He told me not to say anything and I have messed things up, just because I decided to trust my fucking mother.


    ''''Look, there are things about Brad that you don''t know. His father explained everything to me, and he wants to do the same to you. Just give John a chance.''''


    She is pleading with me to trust the man she loves but Ford is the only one I trust. He is the only one I can rely on in this family. No one is going to convince me about anything.


    ''''I am not doing this. I told you not to say anything. How can I trust you again?''''


    She sighs, obviously hurt from my words but I don''t give a fuck. I don''t know how to make things right and now I am lashing out. She deserves this. How could she do this to me?


    ''''That is unfair.''''


    I scoff ''''I begged you not to tell him and you did the opposite. After promising me.'''' I am yelling. I don''t know how else to react to this. This is probably the fear talking. With what I have done, I might have well have pushed Ford to his dad.


    Fuck.


    ''''Calm down, this is not a problem. John isn''t even upset.''''


    Oh, to you he isn''t. what about when Ford gets back. How will he react to this?


    ''''Mom, I am not having this discussion with him. I regret even mentioning it to you in the first place because now you have ruined everything.''''


    ''''Lance, this is not as big a deal as you are making it. Brad is sick. He is a pathological liar. You don''t even know the half of it.''''


    Wow.


    Now he Is even making it seem like all this is happening because of his disorder. I know for a fact that Ford never lies. He keeps things away from me, yes. but he does that so he doesn''t have to lie to me. now John is telling her that he is


    ''''I know he is sick but that doesn''t have anything to do with what you did.''''


    She sighs, this time letting go of me. this is all my fault. I am the one that caused this encounter and now, knowing this, I know that she will never be on my side. She will never accept me and Ford together.


    ''''Lance I need you to calm down for a second. You are overreacting right now and I don''t even know why.''''


    She doesn''t know why because she doesn''t know anything. She is in her own happy bubble. Newly married and she sees the man as an angel. I haven''t seen the bad sides to him but I know that they are there. From the things, Ford has told me. He was going to kill himself to get the fuck away from that man. Obviously, there is more to him than she is seeing and now I thought I could trust her by opening up to her. I shouldn''t have.


    ''''Mom, can we forget about this. tell him I lied or something. I don''t want to involve Ford in this. he will not forgive me.''''


    ''''I can''t do that. I want you to see that he loves you. This is not just about our marriage. He wants you as a son.''''


    Has she gone mad?


    Love me?


    ''''He doesn''t even fucking know me. how can he love me?''''


    She smiles ''''He wants to get to know you.''''


    She is doing this for her own selfish reasons. This is not even about me, or Ford. This is about her marriage and wanting things to ve cool between us. this has nothing to do with me and I should''ve known better than to confide in her.


    ''''I don''t want to get to know him. I hate him.''''


    That is the most sincere I have been with her all through this conversation. I actually hate him. I hate that he is Ford''s father. I hate the way he treats his only son. I hate that he just had to marry my mother. I hate that he is in my life. God, I fucking hate him so much.


    ''''You don''t mean that.''''


    I shake my head ''''I do. I will never be part of this family. Once I am old enough, I will leave and you will never see me again.''''


    Tears well up in her eyes. This is the harshest I have ever been with her. I don''t do these kinds of things to her. I want to feel the guilt of my words but I am clouded by fear and anger. The fact that this is happening and it is all my fault.


    ''''Now that is not a nice thing to say to your mother.''''


    We both turn to the direction of the voice and John stands in front of the kitchen door with a frown on his face. This is the first time I have ever seen him look so serious. He always tries to have a smile on his face when he is interacting with me but now he seems pissed.


    Come on boy, show your true self.


    I want to rile him up, make her see the real him.


    ''''It is none of your business,'''' I tell him blatantly.


    He walks closer to us and mom sniffs out her tears ''''don''t mind him, honey, he is just upset.''''


    She is trying to defend me. I don''t need her help. I am fucking fine on my own. I cross my arms over my chest ''''I am not upset. I just don''t give a fuck about you john.'''' I inform him rudely.


    The frown on his face wipes away and then a smile forms slowly as he stops in front of me and mom. ''''Lance, stop this right now.''??? She warns me.


    I shake my head.


    I am going to show her that he is not such a good person.. I want him to show her who he really is right now.

 Chapter 112 - Blinded By Love

    Lance.


    ''''You are lashing out,'''' he says calmly.


    I don''t want him to ve calm but it seems like he can see through me. he knows that is what I am doing and he is not going to let me win.


    ''''I am not.'''' I try to walk away from this but he grabs me a little too rough as he pulls me back into the kitchen.


    ''''I am not done talking to you.''''


    I roll my eyes, ignoring the pain he is inflicting right now ''''This is a family matter. It doesn''t have anything to do with you.''''


    I have never truly accepted him as my family. Maybe it is because of the fact that I don''t want him to be my stepdad because I am in love with his son but he should''ve known by now that I don''t see him as part of my family.


    ''''I understand how you feel.''''


    He is being too calm, I can feel his anger from the tight grip on my arm but mom cant see it ''''You are fucking hurting me,'''' I nudge my arm out of his grip. He smiles calmly, not giving in to all I am doing. This is going to be very hard. John has a great poker face. he knows how to act around her and that is why he has been deceived into this marriage.


    ''''Can I have a word with you in private?'''' he asks.


    ''''I don''t have anything to say to you.'''' My tone is as harsh as I can muster. This is not easy for me. yes, I am so fucking upset right now but I don''t like to give into anger. That is not who I am but I have to do this to show her what kind of man she married. I know at the end of this all, Ford and I will seem like the bad guys. They got married and we want to be a couple. No one will understand but the fact that his father is such a monster scares the hell out of me.


    ''''I just want to explain things to you. Give me a couple of minutes and hear me out.'''' If I didn''t know better, I would believe him right now.


    I turn to face mom and she has tears in her eyes. I hate being the reason for her tears but I guess that is the person I have become. This is all too much for me. maybe running away with him is for the best. I cant handle all this.


    ''''Okay,'''' I decide to give in to his demands. It looks like I don''t even have a choice in this matter. My phone vibrates in my pocket and for a second my heart stops in fear that it is Ford. If I answer, he will be able to tell that something is wrong. I know I have to tell him about this encounter. I did this without his consent and I have caused a big problem that would definitely involve him.


    Is he even going to forgive me?


    I bring it out of my pocket. All eyes are still on me so I have to tread carefully. Seeing Patrick''s name on the Id makes my nerves calm down ''''I need to take this,'''' I tell him waving my phone in the air.


    John smiles almost like he doesn''t mind.


    I see right through you mister.


    You won''t get me on your side.


    ''''I''ll be in my study. Will you meet me after your call?'''' he asks.


    I nod and he walks out of the kitchen. Mom is still watching me but she is very quiet. I don''t know what this means but I know she is not happy with me. I have been rude to her and husband today and I doubt she would just let it slide like that.


    After my call, I end up getting worried about Jack. I try his number and it goes to voicemail. Unlike Patrick, I know what could have happened. Jack''s father is not the best person in the world. He is verbally and physically abusive. That is why he stays away from his apartment most times. The fact that Patrick is now involved means he is going to find out today. I am glad to be that push that will bring them closer. Somehow, I like them together. They seem like the perfect coupe and unlike me and Ford, their barriers are not unbeatable. Not that I think our barriers are unbeatable. It is just harder for us.


    ''''Go and see him,'''' Mom interrupts me with a sigh.


    Her eyes are blank now, the hurt somehow seems to have vanished. I want to apologise to her but I am not in that place yet. I am still upset with her. I trusted her and she broke that trust. If I am unable to talk to her then what is the point. The way she handled it isn''t what I wanted. I wanted her to believe me. be wary of him. watch him closely.


    ''''Let me guess because we are a fucking family?''''


    Her eyes open from how crass I am being right now. She is the only one I am angry with. I don''t know John; I don''t give a fuck about him, but she is my world and now I don''t think I belong in my world anymore.


    ''''You are being very terrible right now. What did I do to deserve this?''''


    Okay, she didn''t do anything. It is not like she knows what she has done wrong, but I have no one else to be pissed at. She is blinded by him. he is the only one that is right in her eyes. The fact that she can just accept that Ford is a liar when she knows nothing about it breaks my heart.


    ''''You are not fucking listening,'''' I shout so loud that she sighs again.


    ''''Watch your language, Lance. I am still your mother.''''


    ''''Then fucking act like my mother. You are conforming to him and his life that you don''t even see it.'''' that is the truth. Her love for him is blinding her and I don''t think she even knows that it is happening.


    ''''You are being unfair. What is making you so angry?''''


    I can''t tell her why I am so upset.


    ''''Ford is my friend. he is important to me and now you are saying he is a pathological liar when you don''t even know him.''''


    ''''You don''t know him either. You just met him. his father has known him all his life.''''


    That man knows nothing about his son.


    I can''t say that because more things will come out and I have already done enough. Ford will never forgive me if I say more than this.


    ''''I know him. he is my friend. we have been honest with each other all this while. He told me something in secret and now you have made it public. Thank you for that mother.''''


    ''''There is more to this. there is something you are not telling me.'''' there is a suspicious look on her face as those words leave her lips.


    ''''I have told you everything.''''


    She sighs ''''Did you ever trust me? Do you think I wouldn''t be able to handle the truth?''''


    That is it. I know now for a fact that she can''t handle the truth. She will never accept me and him together. She loves John too much to do that. He has become the most important person to her and there is nothing I can do about that.


    ''''You will never see it. as long as he doesn''t show you his real self,'''' And with those words, I walk away from her and to the direction of the study. I want to get this over with. I don''t want to prolong this to the point where Ford will be involved.


    I get to the door of the study and knock gently. Whatever he says today. I will not believe him. the only person I am going to believe in is Ford. He is the only one that matters. No matter how much he tries to convince me that he is the good guy.


    I will not listen.


    ''''Come in,'''' I hear his voice through the other side of the door.


    Once I enter, I see him seated in front of his desk with that same blank expression. I don''t know what he wants to talk about but I am already scared of the outcome of this conversation.


    ''''Have a seat son.''''


    My skin crawls at the word. I am not his son, I will never be his son. Even though his words irritate me, I oblige and sit down in front of him. slowly, a smile forms on his face as he parts his lips open ''''I see that my son has made me out to be the bad guy.''''


    It is not a question, it is more of a statement. Ford hasn''t done anything. It is not like he goes around bad-mouthing the guy.


    ''''I am going to share some things with you and I am sure by the end of this conversation, you will see things clearer.''''

 Chapter 113 - I Will Only Believe Him

    Lance.


    ''''I know everything I need to know about him.''''


    He smiles, almost like he knows something that I don''t. I know there are still some things that ti don''t know about him but if they were important, he would have told me.


    ''''Brad told you some things that are not true.''''


    I shake my head immediately ''''He didn''t tell me anything.'''' I don''t want to get him involved in this. this was not my intention in the first place and now it has turned to a whole thing. I was avoiding this in the first place.


    ''''You don''t have to cover for him. this is not the first time he has done something like this.''''


    He didn''t do anything. Right now, Ford is fighting to find a way for us to be together. I can''t tell him that because that will just mess things up more.


    ''''He didn''t say anything.'''' I deny it again. I will keep denying until he agrees to let this go. There was no point doing this and now I see that. I should''ve just listened to Ford from the beginning. He said I should trust him, and I couldn''t at that moment. I wanted to try, do something but all I have done is mess things up.


    ''''I know he did because I said it to him.''''


    I freeze.


    He is admitting it.


    When mom is not here, how expected.


    ''''But not for the reasons you think.''''


    Okay. What is the punchline?


    ''''What are you talking about?'''' I get into the conversation. I mean, we are already here. So why not hear him out.


    ''''Brad is unstable. He has always been this way.''''


    I hate the fact that he is going to start with his sickness. That is the only thing they can use against him. the man I know is perfect. He is the kindest person I have ever met. When he is going through his bad days, he keeps to himself, rather than say or do hurtful things, so no, I won''t believe him when he says things like this.


    ''''When he was younger before we got a diagnosis. He would do things to me and his mother that we could never understand, he was always angry. he hated everyone and everything.''''


    This is the first time I am hearing about his mother. he has never talked about his mom before. I can''t even trust this man''s words. So, whatever he decides to tell me about her might all be lies.


    ''''Did he ever tell you how his mother died?''''


    ''''No,'''' he smiles and rests his elbows on the table. Leaning closer to me. This is not something that should be easy to talk about but here he is wanting to talk about his dead wife so casually.


    ''''Brad was ten. Just a little kid.'''' I watch him silently as I wait for him to continue. It is not like I even have anything to say. This is his story, and I am the listener. So that is what I am going to do. listen to him silently as he lies against my boyfriend.


    ''''He was in the car when she had the accident.''''


    Okay, I get that, and I can see how that will affect him but what does this have to do with him and why he is the way he is.


    ''''He was having another episode. She couldn''t control him, so she called me to talk him out of it. He has this tendency to be very aggressive. He used to fuss and fight. He did that while she was driving and that is how they had the accident. There was nothing I could do to stop it.''''


    Is he really blaming a fucking child?


    I don''t know what he intended to do with this, but it hasn''t convinced me of anything. All I know now is that he blames his son for his wife''s death.


    ''''It wasn''t his fault,'''' I tell him.


    He smiles ''''I am not saying it is. I am just telling you how he feels about it. he has blamed himself all his life and that is what makes him lash out and act the way he does. He refuses to take his medication; he refuses to get help. I have tried everything.''''


    He makes him sound like a monster. Ford is not like the way he is making him out to be. I know the man I am in love with. I know how much of a good person he is. He doesn''t let his illness affect his relationship with me. He has been honest; he is not a bad person. I will not let this man convince me that he is.


    ''''Why are you telling me all this?''''


    He still hasn''t explained why he would tell Ford not to hang out with me. He said he told him that he should stay away, so why did he?


    ''''Because I love your mother and I want things to be good between us.''''


    Yeah, this is all because of mom. I have known that all along but just because he is with her, that doesn''t mean I have to like him.


    ''''Brad is very impressionable, he can''t handle a lot of things. I didn''t want him hanging out with you too much because I know how he gets. Eventually, his true self will show up and he will lash out with you.''''


    That doesn''t make any sense.


    ''''I don''t know what you want me to say to all this. I already know that he is bipolar. He told me and I haven''t seen any bad side to him through this disorder.''''


    ''''It is not just bipolar. He also has anger problems and drug and alcohol abuse. I have sent him to rehab, a corrections facility. Nothing has worked on him. the doctors think the best thing is keeping him at home. There is nothing else for me to do.''''


    To me, it doesn''t seem like he has a drug problem. He hasn''t had alcohol since he told about everything. so that means he has been controlling it well. I know what he is doing and with the notion I had when I came here, I will not let him convince me that he is a monster.


    ''''You need to understand that my son is sick. He is not like you or all your other friends. He needs a close eye on him and I have done my best. I just don''t want him to take part in messing our relationship.''''


    We don''t have a relationship. I think it but I don''t say anything. If he wants to feel like he has accomplished what he wanted with this meeting then I will make him feel that way. Until Ford gets back, and then we can figure out what we are going to do.


    ''''I want you to know that I don''t have any problem with you being gay. I love your mother and I want us to be¡­ how do the kids say it these days, cool.''''


    How will he feel when he finds out the truth. I genuinely want to know. He might say he wants us to have a relationship but I have reached the point in my life where I will choose Ford over anyone. Even my own mother and that is selfish of me to think but that is how I feel. I love him so much and I need him in my life. I can''t lose him.


    No matter what.


    ''''So can we try again? We should get to know each other. Have a dinner just you and me?'''' he looks hopeful and for a second, I almost believe him. if things were different. I might try to get to know the man, but it is the way it is.


    ''''Okay. Why not.'''' I lie. There will be no dinners with this man but I will try to prolong it for as long as I can. Until we can get out of this house and this situation.


    ''''Great.''''


    I stand up from the chair and he does the same, walking me out of the room ''''Can you not say anything to Ford, about the whole thing? He will be pissed if he found out I told you in the first place.'''' I tell him.


    I don''t have any intention of keeping this from him. once he gets home, I am going to tell him about this mistake but I just don''t want his dad to talk to him about it. I know he will panic and then overreact. He is already so terrified of the man and I don''t want to make things even worse.


    ''''I don''t plan on telling him. Remember I said he can''t handle a lot of things.''''


    If I didnt know better, I would think the man actually cares about Ford. Like I said before, the only person I believe in is Ford. He is the only one I trust. The only one I will believe blindly. Even if all John said today is true, I will only believe Ford.


    No matter what.

 Chapter 114 - Elliot.

    Ford.


    The next day, after Lisa and the blackmail. I leave Lance with no idea on what I am going to do. I have to figure things out because losing him is not an option. I don''t know how he will feel about running away and leaving everything behind.


    I don''t mind leaving my dad and this life behind. It means nothing to me, the only value I have in my life is him and that is all that matters.


    The morning after everything. I see the look on his face, the fear he is trying to hide from me. I know he is scared. Last night was terrible. I still don''t even understand why Lisa is doing all this. what did I ever do to her that will make her hate me this much? We have been friends all my life. I would think she would be the one that would know me. I would think she would understand me more than everyone else. Lisa has known everything about me that I didn''t even want her to know. She has been there through it all. In all my seventeen years on this earth, I thought I could count on her but now I know that she is selfish and heartless just like my father.


    ''''I will be back,'''' I assure him. He sighs loudly because that fear is still deep within him and I don''t know how to get it out. Right now, I know that I am not letting him go but I don''t know how to hold on to him. once Lisa leaks that video, father will send me away. Like he usually does. This time, he will have a reason. I am fucking his wife''s son. If anyone here''s, they will think I am a sick person. This is not a situation that will be easy to get out of. I don''t even know how I am going to do this.


    ''''Where are you going?'''' he asks calmly, pulling me closer to him. I don''t know how to explain it and I don''t want to give him high hopes in case this doesn''t work out. My father has too much control over me. I am almost eighteen. In a couple of months, I will be free from his reigns. Even with that, I doubt he will ever let me go completely. He likes the power, the control he has over me and he is a very vindictive person.


    ''''I need you to give me a couple of days. I will be back and hopefully Lisa will not be on our case anymore.''''


    I don''t want to give him false hope. I really don''t know if this will work but there is one person that I can talk to. One person that has always been a light in all my darkness. My grandfathers brother. Uncle Maxim. I haven''t ever really complained about anything to anyone. I just took it all and remained silent because I didn''t really have anything to fight for but now, I have Lance and I want to fight. I want to hold unto him for as long as I can. I never want to let go of him even if it means leaving everything behind.


    ''''Okay,'''' he doesn''t argue or try to push for more. I appreciate him when it comes to things like this. he is the most considerate person I have met. We have reached the point of our relationship where we trust each other. He can always tell when I don''t want to talk about something and instead of pushing, he would give me some space to figure it out and I am very grateful for him.


    It takes me a couple of hours and a flight to get to my Uncle Maxim''s city. I called him beforehand and he could tell right away that something was wrong.


    ''''Hey Uncle Maxim,'''' I breathe into my phone when I arrive.


    ''''Elliot is waiting by the entrance of the airport.'''' He informs avoiding small talk. Uncle Maxim is older than my father. I have more of a relationship with him that my late grandfather¡ªhis brother. When I was growing up, I would always choose to spend most of my holidays with him. he was the one person that I felt connected to in this family. He is the one person that cares about me.


    ''''I will see you at the house?'''' he asks in that gentle voice that he carries when talking to me.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I end the call and grab my bag from baggage claim. Pulling the straps of my backpack tightly over my shoulders. I only came with a couple of stuff, but I know Uncle Max, he will try to keep me here for as long as he can. I told Lance that I will be gone for a couple of days, but I don''t know how long this will take. I plan on doing a lot on this trip. I am going to come out of the closet to him. There is this fear in me that he will not accept me. uncle Max is sixty-nine years old. I don''t know how he feels about me being gay. I don''t even know how he feels about the LGBTQ community. He Is from the old days. They are really not that comfortable with the whole change, but I know one thing for sure. Uncle Max genuinely loves me. he will support me even through his discomfort.


    I need him right now because he is the only person that has control over my father. As the only one left from his generation.


    I see Elliot immediately and a wide smile spreads to my face. Elliot is Uncle Max''s grandson and my cousin. He is a couple of years older than me and a hotshot lawyer from Harvard. The closer I walk towards him, the more I see the changes in him. he looks a lot older than the last time I saw him. He is dressed in a black tailored suit. His jet-black hair is styled to the back of his head. His green eyes shine as the smile on his face widens the moment, I stop in front of him.


    ''''If it isn''t Bradford my man,'''' he slaps my back playfully.


    He is the only one that calls me that. I hate it so much, but he says the combination works and I am tired of telling him to stop calling me that, so I kinda just gave up and let him do what he wants.


    ''''Hey Elliot,'''' I greet him with a smile. He grabs my luggage from me and starts to pull it as we head for the direction of the door. I don''t really think I am that close to Elliot, but we have a cordial relationship. There is no beef between us. I like him as much as he likes me.


    ''''When granddad Max told me, you were coming for a visit. I had to be the one to pick you up,'''' he smiles excitedly.


    Okay, maybe we were once close. When I was younger, he was the older cousin that I wanted to be like. I used to always follow him around, watching to copy his every move but after a certain point in my life; I withdrew from everyone. I guess the only person that I really still wanted to be around was Uncle Max.


    ''''I am just here for a couple of days.'''' I lay a disclaimer because I know him. he will make plans that involve me and I don''t want that right now. This is not a vacation. I came here to talk to Uncle Max, see if he can help me with Dad. There is nothing else I can do. Lisa will not keep that video to herself. Even if we agree to do what she wants, she will forever have that hold on us and I don''t want to be controlled by anyone. I am fucking tired of being treated like a puppet. Play basketball, date Lisa, do as I say or you will be punished. All my life, I have never had the chance to do what I want. no one cares enough to see me and know that I am miserable. I was slowly dying and I had to put a fucking smile on my face.


    I say no more to it. no matter what happens. I will not let him control me anymore.


    ''''Dude, you haven''t visited in months. The least you can do is spend some time with your favourite cousin,'''' his sprawls his arm over my shoulders.


    Thinking about it, I wished I brought Lance with me. I would''ve loved to introduce him to Uncle Max. I know he would like him. Lance has that aura around him. the one that makes him loved. That is how he won my heart.


    He is special and I don''t plan on letting him go.


    ''''Why are you even here?'''' he asks as we get to the parking lot and I see his black Range rover.


    I am here to set things right.


    I am here to find my happiness.

 Chapter 115 - The First Step Is Coming Out Of The Closet.

    Ford.


    The drive to the main house is short but being in that car with Elliot makes it feel longer than it really is. I won''t deny the fact that I have missed him but right now, I have bigger things to worry about and they don''t include the new girl he is dating.


    ''''So, I lie about how rich I am, and she totally believes me. it is so hard to find anyone sincere these days. All the girls in this city care about is money and I just wanted to find someone different. now I don''t know how to tell her the truth.''''


    I raise a brow at his story. That is his biggest worry. The fact that he is dating someone that thinks he is poor.


    Wow.


    Talk about problems.


    ''''So do you plan to keep the truth from her forever?'''' I ask because I want to know what is going on in his head. this is not a big deal. He should just man up and tell the girl the truth and if she really cares about him, she will forgive him.


    ''''No, dad wants to meet her. Everyone is curious about the girl that piqued my interest, but I can''t say anything yet. It is frustrating,'''' he drives into the gated estates. When I say, Uncle Max is more powerful that dad, this is what I mean. The more money you have, the more power you gain. Uncle Max is the richest one in the family. He got most of his wealth from the family but the things he did is what made him richer. He has a chain of business from oil, to real estate. He is the definition of a business mogul.


    Somehow there is this jealousy that my father has for his brother. My real uncle. Unlike granduncle Max, I am not as close to uncle Anderson. He is just someone I see on family occasions.


    ''''You should just tell her the truth. That shit will set you free,'''' that is the honest truth. I am the kind of person that liked to keep things to myself. Before Lance, no one knew anything about me. I wouldn''t even talk out loud about the things that I was going through but now, with him, it is easier. Yeah, I am not at that stage where I am completely open with him because there are still some things that I have been unable to say out loud, but they are there.


    ''''That is easier said than done. It''s been months, I doubt telling her the truth will make things better. She won''t forgive me.''''


    Well, I can''t argue with him because I don''t know the girl but I don''t think this is something unforgivable. If he is just honest, everything will be okay.


    ''''Okay, you can keep lying to her.'''' I retort sarcastically. He is eventually going to do what he wants, no matter what I say. He parks the car in their massive parking lot, and I see my grand uncle''s car in the driveway. Which means he is home.


    He is the person I came to see. I want to talk to him about everything. tell him how I have been feeling these past couple of years. Lance is making me do something I never thought I would. Okay, let me not say he is making me because I am doing this on my own volition. The only way I can be with him is if I do this.


    We both get down from the car and he helps me with my bag in the trunk. ''''So, can I ask you a question?''''


    He looks up at me and nods ''''So you''re a lawyer, right?''''


    He laughs ''''Last time I checked.''''


    I roll my eyes at him as he waits for me to say what I am about to say. I know this might not be a good idea. I don''t even trust Elliot. He is bound to mention this to someone else in the family. I just need another person''s opinion. I will use a hypothetical situation.


    ''''I have this friend,'''' he nods, and I continue ''''so he kinda had sex in school with someone else and his ex-girlfriend is kinda blackmailing him with videos of it.''''


    ''''Oh wow. What does she want?''''


    I run my hands through my hair. This is even difficult to say. Most times when someone asks for advice and uses the ''I have a friend story'' it is always obvious that the person is the friend. does he suspect that I am the friend?


    ''''She wants him back. I guess.''''


    He furrows his brows ''''That''s stupid. How old is this your friend?'''' he puts the friend in air quotes. Shit, now I know he knows that I am the friend.


    ''''It is not me?'''' I deny at once.


    He bursts out in laughter ''''Dude, I don''t give a shit. So, is it you?'''' he asks curiously.


    I sigh out loud because this might be a mistake. One word to the wrong person and it could end up getting back to my father but what other choice do I have?


    ''''Yes,'''' I decide to go the honest route.


    ''''You are a minor.''''


    ''''Yeah, so?''''


    ''''She can''t spread that video. You will know that she is the one. She will be taking part in child pornography.''''


    It sounds weird ''''So, what can I do to stop her?''''


    He sighs ''''Do you want me to handle it. talk to this bitch.'''' He calls Lisa a bitch without even knowing she is the one. the moment he finds out that she is the same girl. He might not feel the same way.


    Everyone loves Lisa in my family. Even Cousin Elliot. They all think I will be lucky to end up with someone like her. She is beautiful, smart and in their eyes¡ªthe kindest person they have all ever met. If only they knew how terrible she is. It took a lot for me to even see her true self. She was always someone I could rely on and the biggest mistake I ever made was sleeping with her. That night ruined everything. if I had just controlled how much alcohol I had, it wouldn''t have happened.


    ''''The bitch is Lisa,'''' I tell him honestly.


    He opens his eyes wide from the shock of my words ''''No way, Lisa Libel?''''


    I nod.


    He lets go of my box and runs his hands through his hair ''''I didn''t even know you guys ever dated.''''


    I shake my head ''''We never dated.''''


    ''''So, your story is not accurate. How is she an ex when you never even dated and who is this new girl that made you do something so stupid like have sex in public.''''


    He is wrong about one thing. Lance is not a girl. Am I really doing this? coming out to him. I really want to do this. practice with Elliot before I get to the big guns. If Elliot handles it well, it will give me the courage to do this with the most important man in my life.


    He is watching me right now and I can''t read his expression. I don''t really know how he will handle it but I have to do this. I have to do this to be with Lance and that is all I fucking want.


    ''''It wasn''t a girl,'''' I let those words out with a heavy breath.


    Shit, that was very hard but somehow, I feel lighter in my chest. Almost like a weight that I have been carrying for so long is finally off.


    I look at him intently, making sure to see how he will react to my confession. At first, there are crinkles in his forehead from confusion but the moment it registers, a slow smile forms on his face.


    ''''Dude¡­ really?''''


    I scratch the back of my neck nervously with a slight nod ''''Yeah. It was a guy.''''


    He opens his eyes wide, still smiling ''''So you''re gay?'''' he breathes out those words and this will be the first time I will ever say this out loud to anyone.


    ''''I am gay,''''


    The moment I let those words out, I look at everywhere but him. my heart is racing against my chest. My hands are shaking. I feel sweaty and dehydrated at the same time. This is the scariest thing I have ever done and it is not even to the person that I need to do it with. how will it feel when my father finds out. Is he going to beat me up, lock me far away like the last time?


    Fuck.


    I feel his hand on my shoulder and I force my eyes back to him again. I don''t know how I feel at this moment but I am fucking terrified.


    ''''Wow, that is freaking awesome,'''' he says finally.


    I raise a brow and he chuckles ''''Awesome that you told me, but really not that big a deal,'''' he shrugs like it is nothing. I am sure he can sense my mood, so this is his way of making me feel comfortable in this space.


    I am grateful.


    ''''I will need to talk to Lisa. Threaten to sue her and shit.. You cool with that?'''' he ends and for the first time, I smile back at him at the way he changed the topic, knowing this is hard for me.

 Chapter 116 - Uncle Maxime

    Ford.


    I walk into the house and it feels more like home than my house. I let out a loud breath that I didn''t even know I was holding. Growing up, I would always want to spend my days here. Uncle Max was the only one that made me even feel like I was worth anything. He was the only one that understood me.


    I close my eyes and I remember the day of my mother''s funeral.


    Everywhere is bright. There are people everywhere, everyone is talking and laughing. The fact that they are all acting normal even though someone just died makes me feel even worse. I am under the table of the living room. This has become my best hiding place. Father told me to stay downstairs even though all I want to do is get away from this scene.


    ''''Where''s Brad?'''' I hear Uncle Bert''s voice. I don''t know who he is talking to but I pray no one knows that I am here. I don''t want anyone to find me. I just want to wallow in my self-pity. That is how I am feeling, so much anger within me. I hate that we are all gathering here for this situation. I wish I could just crawl into my bed and cry.


    The white tablecloth hanging on the table shifts and my heart beats faster for the fear that I have been found out. The moment the person uncovers, I let of a sigh of relief. The man in view smiles at me, ''''Can I join you?'''' he asks calmly.


    I shrug and he goes on his knees and crawls to my side. Uncle Maxim is old, the surprise that he can still do things like this is obvious on his face ''''This is such a great hiding place. Why didn''t you tell me you would be here,'''' he is obviously just trying to talk to me. Get me to respond to him but I don''t feel like talking. Saying real words out loud will make this day more real. I don''t want this day to be real so I shrug again. That is all I can give him right now.


    ''''You know, this is not your fault,'''' he whispers so low that I almost think he doesn''t want me to hear him but I hear him loud and clear. I don''t think it is my fault. Why would he even say that?'''' I look at him with wide eyes. ''''Your father seems to think you are beating yourself up for this.''''


    I don''t know why he would say that. I haven''t even thought in that direction.


    ''''Why would you say that?'''' I mutter, the tears falling from my eyes.


    He reaches for me and I don''t push him off. This is not his fault, it is dad''s fault. I know why he is doing this, he wants this to be my fault. It is not my fault.


    ''''I am not saying it is your fault. I don''t want you to even think this is your fault. Your mother wouldn''t want that for you.'''' He breathes out and I feel the sincerity in his voice. Dad is the one that is feeding them lies. I am not crazy.


    ''''Okay,'''' I manage as he wipes the tears from my face.


    A slow smile spreads on his face and I watch him, unsure of why he is even trying to comfort me ''''if you ever feel alone and you need someone to talk to, you have me,'''' he mutters.


    ''''What if you die too,'''' I look at his grey hair as I breathe out those words.


    ''''I am not going anywhere kid. Don''t even think about it,'''' he winks and I believe him.


    ''''Promise?''''


    He nods and then crosses his finger on his chest ''''Promise,''''


    Elliot closes the door and I snap out of my daze. Uncle Max was the only one that wanted to understand me. he was the one that helped me through her death. I am grateful to him and he doesn''t even think that he has done anything special.


    ''''Come on. Granddad has been waiting for you. The eagerness is quite irritating.'''' He informs me as we walk further into the house. The house is still as I remembered. I used to get lost in the halls when I was younger, now it doesn''t even seem as big as it used to be.


    I follow Elliot up the stairs and he opens a room door ''''So, he wanted you close to him. That''s why you are in the main quarters and not the guests.'''' He drops my bag on the bed and I sit down on the edge of the bed gently.


    ''''Thanks,'''' I manage.


    ''''You should freshen up,'''' he lingers by the door. I shake my head and stand up from the cotton sheets on the bed.


    ''''I want to see him now, can I?''''


    ''''Of course.''''


    We walk to the room in silence and I think of how I am going to do this. I really don''t have a plan. I know that I need him but I don''t know how I am even going to do this. I want to tell my father about Lance and doing that will mean I need backup. Uncle Maxim is my only backup.


    ''''Go in, he has been waiting,'''' Elliot knocks on the door before walking away from me.


    I turn the handle of the door gently and his smiling face is the first thing I see. Just like when I was a kid. The pure joy in his eyes from seeing me. ''''My favourite boy,'''' he stands up from the bed and walks over to me slowly. He has aged since the last time I saw him. The hair on his head is now completely grey and the wrinkles on his face are more prominent. He stops in front of me and pulls me into his arms, no questions asked.


    I wrap my arms around him and he pats my back in the process. Getting a hug from Uncle Maxim is the most love I feel from anyone in my family. With just this little contact, I feel better.


    He pulls apart from me but the smile is still plastered on his face ''''I still can''t believe that you are here. This is the best gift I have been giving all year.''''


    He drags me to the corner of the very large room that has a tiny round table and chairs surrounding it. ''''Sit down, sit down.'''' He sits on the chair and watches me with this intent stare.


    I take a seat opposite and he places his elbow on the table ''''You don''t look happy. What is wrong?'''' he asks immediately.


    He is the only one that can usually tell when something is wrong with me.


    ''''I need your help uncle.''''


    He smiles ''''Anything. Just ask and you shall receive.'''' He usually says it like that when I ask him for things. Ask and you shall receive. Whatever you want, I will give you.


    I don''t know if he can give me this. I don''t know if I will get what I want this time because all I want is Lance. He is the only one that is important. What do I even ask for? I have no clue on what I am doing.


    ''''This is not that kind of favour.''''


    ''''Okay, is your dad bothering you again?''''


    Yes.


    "No.''''


    ''''So what is wrong?''''


    I take a deep breath because I don''t want to prolong this. I need him to help me because if there is anyone that would understand me. It will be Uncle Maxim.


    ''''I met someone. A guy, and I am in love with him,'''' I finally spill the beans because this is the best way to do this. I look at his face. The expression on his face is confusion mixed with uncertainty. I don''t think he understands what I am saying.


    ''''A boy?''''


    I nod.


    He frowns ''''You are a homosexual?''''


    Okay. I expected a little backwardness in his reaction. There is no way he would just smile about something that he doesn''t even understand. There is not one single gay person in our family. Or at least, none that are out. What I am doing right now is the biggest risk ever. He might not accept me and then this will be a problem because his acceptance is the only one I want.


    ''''Yes, uncle.''''


    In the span of a couple of hours. I have come out of the closet twice and this feels like the biggest weight off my chest. It feels amazing, even though I don''t know the outcome of this. I don''t care anymore. I am tired of keeping all this to myself. I am ready to be out and fucking proud.


    His eyes stay fixed on mine. I don''t know what is going on his head. Does he hate me now? if he hates me I don''t know how I will react.. I can''t take that.

 Chapter 117 - Dont Let Fear Win.

    Ford.


    We both stare at each other for God knows how long. I am waiting for the reaction. You know, the one where he sends me out of his house with derogatory words. I mean, that is the way my dad will react. I don''t want that to happen today but if it does I wouldn''t be surprised.


    ''''I don''t understand this,'''' he breathes out those words finally.


    There is confusion on his face. deep down he doesn''t accept this but I see the difficulty on his face. he doesn''t want to deny me. He doesn''t want to show me that this is not something he believes in.


    ''''I am sorry for springing this on you uncle Max. I just need someone on my side,'''' I manage with a shaky voice. ?


    He furrows his brows ''''Does your father know about this?'''' he asks the question that anyone in this family would. Father is not the acceptance type. Everyone knows him but no one knows him as much as I do.


    ''''No¡­ at least I don''t think he does.''''


    He frowns ''''I really don''t know how I feel about this Brad. It is a lot to register.''''


    I nod ''''I know but you said you would always be on my side and I need you now more than ever,'''' I remind him of the promise he made.


    ''''I know that, but do you really think John will hate you for this?'''' he asks.


    I nod again ''''He already hates me.''''


    This is the first time I am telling anyone this. no one in the family knows about my relationship with my dad. Some people might see it but choose to ignore it but I know for a fact that Uncle Maxime doesn''t know.


    ''''Your father doesn''t hate you,'''' he shakes his head in disbelief.


    The fact that he can''t even accept it just shows how oblivious everyone is. I know for a fact that my dad would''ve been happy if I died with my mom that day. When he looks at me, he sees someone that will forever disappoint him. there is no pride in his eyes that I am his son and I have accepted it. I am okay with our relationship but I won''t let him take Lance away from me. he means the world to me and I will never let that go.


    ''''I didn''t come here to convince you. I just need your help right now Uncle.'''' I cry the desperation seeping out from my voice. This is my last resort. I don''t want to take Lance away from his mother. she is a good person. I see the love she has for her child every time I am around her. I know that Lance will leave it all for her but I don''t want that. I don''t want him to lose the only family he has left.


    It will be selfish of me, so I have to find another way.


    I have to make sure that doesn''t happen.


    ''''So why did you come here?''''


    I take a deep breath because this was the plan. I need to tell him everything. I don''t know what will come from this but if he was sincere all those years ago and he wants to protect me then he will help me. I want to come out to my dad, I want to tell him about my relationship with Lance but the moment I do that, he will find a way to send me away from Lance. he will lock me up, claim that this is happening because of my disorder. I know that for a fact. So I want someone else to be aware. I want Uncle Maxime to know what is happening. even though Dad acts all high and mighty. He is weak when it comes to his Uncle. His father died too early in his life and this man is the only father figure that he has.


    ''''I told you I met someone.''''


    He nods and waits for me to continue, so that is what I do ''''His new wife''s son.''''


    My eyes remain glued to him, I want him to understand what I am saying, and I want to read his expression as he does. At first, confusion is sprawled on his face. what I am saying doesn''t make sense. Right? The fact that this just happened to us. I wish Lance was anyone else. I wish his mom wasn''t who she is.


    I hate that I have been dealt with all this. it makes everything a million times harder. I don''t even know how we will come out of this.


    ''''Ford,'''' he whispers my name so low. The disappointment is obvious in the tone of his voice. The last person I would want to disappoint is this man and it seems like that is exactly what I have done. ''''You know this is wrong. Why would you do something like that?'''' he is scolding me right now and it is not like I expected any less. I knew he wouldn''t just accept this with open arms.


    ''''I know. I didn''t know until it was too late. I tried to stop it, I tried so hard, but I love him. I love him so much,'''' at this point, I can''t stop the tears as they fall. I can''t do anything because everything is sinking in. all my fears, all my worries. The fact that I could lose Lance is sinking in and it is sending me over the edge.


    Uncle Maxime stands up from the chair he is in and walks over to me, he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. I bury my head in his chest because I am falling deeper to the edge. Slowly, the demons are trying to come out but I can''t lose myself right now. I need to be strong. Even if it just for today. I need to do this now.


    ''''It is okay,'''' he mutters as he pats my back comfortingly.


    ''''No, it''s not. He is going to take him away from me when he finds out. I came here to find a way to keep him with me but now I am not sure anymore,'''' I cry at this point I am a rambling mess.


    ''''you need to calm down Brad. You need to control your breathing and stop crying,'''' he pulls away from me slightly and cups both sides of my face in his hands ''''Do not slip right now,'''' he warns me. Unlce Maxim knows about my disorder. He is the only one that doesn''t treat me like some kind of fragile egg that will break at any moment.


    I don''t want to break right now. I don''t want to be weak in his eyes. I want to stand strong and explain myself. I want to ask him to help me and I want to be in Lance''s arms. I miss him so much, it is starting to hurt. It has just been a day and it feels like I am slowly dying. How will I be when I can''t even see him anymore? When he takes him away from me?


    ''''This is not a time to breakdown. What did I tell you about blocking all the fears out?''''


    Don''t let them crash into your life and take you down with them.


    His own words and most times, I repeat them in my head.


    Don''t let fear control you, you are strong, you are brave.


    ''''It gets harder every day.''''


    He nods ''''It will get even harder. just because life isn''t going your way doesn''t give you the right to give up on it.''''


    His words affect me a lot more than he could ever know because there was a time in my life where I was going to give up. A time where I was ready to let go of this world. Now, I have so much to live for. things that I never thought I would need in my life. I don''t want to give up anymore, I want to fight. I want to be stronger for him.


    I love him.


    ''''Do not let this mess with you. Get back to your senses right now'''' he glares at me. he knows what was about to happen. Uncle Maxime has seen me break down before. He knows my meltdowns more than anyone and he also knows how to snap me out of it.


    ''''Okay,'''' I manage.


    He lets go of my face and walks back to his chair. He looks at me and this time there is a smile on his face. I wait for him to say something but he is quiet. Does he want me to talk first? I don''t know what to say. I am still silently praying that he accepts me. I don''t know how he feels about everything I just told him. if he doesn''t help me then I have no other option. I might end up losing Lance.


    ''''So tell me about this boy,'''' he breathes out and for the first time tonight I give him back a genuine smile.

 Chapter 118 - The Unwelcome Guest

    Lance.


    I miss him so much. I am slowly losing my mind in his absence. I don''t know why he would leave me for this long and it is driving me insane.


    ''''Dude, what the fuck,'''' I exclaim from the shock of the sight in front of me. Jack struggles to walk into the apartment, I see the pain in his eyes. Damn, his dad really did damage on him this time.


    ''''It is not as bad as you think,'''' he tries to sugar-coat it but he seems to have forgotten that we are best friends. I know him more than I even think he knows himself. He sits down on the couch next to me and I reach for his face. He flinches when I touch his nose ''''Fuck Lance,'''' he cries out in pain.


    I raise a brow ''''Thought you said it wasn''t that bad?''''


    He chuckles ''''It is not that bad,'''' he interjects in refusal. I don''t actually believe him but there is no point in arguing with him. The fact that he is even smiling right now makes me worry less.


    ''''So has Patrick been good to you. I am sure he is still worrying?'''' I ask trying to change the topic. I don''t want to talk about shitty parents right now. I have been thinking about John all day and all the things he said to me. Ford hasn''t really told me anything about his mother. I don''t know the story with that. It is not that I am not curious, but I know Ford. He will tell me all about it when he is ready. I trust him completely and wholeheartedly.


    ''''He is worrying more than he needs to. I don''t know how to convince him that this is not a big deal.''''


    I roll my eyes because this is serious. Bill did a number on him and he doesn''t want to accept it. I have known about his father''s abusive tendencies and I have tried to keep him away but with this happening, I don''t know if it is a good idea for him to keep on living with the man.


    ''''He has every right to worry.''''


    He sighs ''''No he doesn''t, this is not the first time this has happened. So there is nothing to worry about.''''


    He is not listening to himself right now.


    ''''You know this won''t be the last time. Bill has lost his fucking mind. I have half a mind to go over to the apartment and kick him in the nuts.''''


    This gets a laugh from him. As usual, I try to lighten the mood, but this is not something funny.


    ''''I''m serious Jack. Move out of his house.'''' I tell him blankly.


    He shakes his head ''''You know I can''t do that. At least not yet. He will look for me and there is only one place he will find me¡­Your place. I don''t want to involve you in his drama.''''


    He already knows that I am involved. Jack is my best friend. He is like a brother to me. I love him so much and the fact that he is going through all this is hurting me.


    ''''Why are you so fucking stubborn?''''


    He laughs again ''''Just give me some time. I will handle this,'''' he brushes it off like he usually does. I don''t argue with him when he is like that, I like to leave him alone. I just have to be there for him. That is all I can do.


    ''''So, you never told me the details of your meeting with John,'''' he reminds me of the one thing I wish I could forget, especially since this is all I have been thinking about.


    ''''It''s a long fucking story,'''' I remember the conversation.


    I remember all the things he said and all I want to do is talk to Ford about it. John said he wasn''t going to mention anything to him, and I want to believe him, but I also know I have to tell him before shit hits the fan.


    ''''Is it as bad as you are making it out to be?''''


    That''s the thing with Jack. Even when it is obvious that I don''t want to tell him about something, he wouldn''t push or pester. He is the only one that has that patience for me.


    A knock on the door interrupts the conversation and we both look at the mahogany at the same time. The knock continues and for a second, my heart races against my chest.


    I don''t know when he would be coming back and I cannot wait to see him. I jolt up from the couch in a hurry to see who it is. The moment I open the door, the smile wipes out of my face and is replaced with disgust¡ªmixed with anger. God, she makes me so fucking angry


    What is she doing here?


    ''Hey,'''' she says forcing her way into my apartment. I close the door behind her as she takes further steps into the living room.


    ''''What are you doing here?'''' I ask her directly.


    There is no reason for her to be here. I haven''t heard from Lisa since the night of the party. Her silence scared the crap out of me because I still don''t know how to handle it all but Ford said I should stay away from her and ignore her messages. He said he was going to handle it, even though I have no clue, I trust him completely.


    ''''I came to invite you for a party,'''' she bats her lashes and starts to twirl her hair around her index finger. Jack stands up from the couch and walks over to her. Her eyes shift to him and her smile widens ''''Hello Lance''s hot friend,'''' she greets him with that flirty smile, suddenly noticing all the bruises on his face ''''Oh, what happened to you?''''


    He ignores her question as she turns around and faces me again.


    I roll my eyes ''''I am not interested in going anywhere with you,'''' I tell her blatantly.


    She sighs ''''you have no choice. Come on, get ready.''''


    ''''Lisa, you have no right barging into my house and demanding shit. I am not your friend and I never will be, so please get the fuck out of my apartment right now.''''


    My tone is harsh. I can''t even believe I have all this pent up anger within me. There is nothing I can do and she is here, rubbing it in my face. ''''You know that is not a nice thing to say,'''' she walks away from Jack and back to me, her eyes bore into mine ''''Get ready. You know you have no choice.''''


    From the tone of her voice. I know what she is trying to do. this is her form of blackmail. She is basically telling me that if I don''t come with her she will release the video. She doesn''t have to say those words out loud because I already know.


    ''''You''re a bitch,'''' I snarl at her.


    This gets a chuckle from her and Jack raises a brow in question ''''Am I invited for this thing?'''' he asks.


    He already knows what is happening. I don''t even have to spell it out for him. Lisa is making things pretty obvious.


    ''''The more the merrier,'''' she gleams excitedly like we are just a bunch of friends going out for a good time. I walk into my room as she takes a seat on the couch. Jack follows behind me quietly, once the door is closed, he opens his eyes wide from the shock of the whole situation.


    ''''What the fuck dude,'''' he exclaims loudly.


    I release a heavy breath because this is crazy to me ''''I need to call Ford. He said I should avoid her at all cost.''''


    I actually don''t think this is a good idea but I don''t know what to do again. I reach for my phone and dial his number immediately. His phone goes straight to voicemail. This is what I have been going through for the past week. He has been awol and there is no one else I can talk to.


    ''''He is not answering,'''' I whine unsure of what to do next.


    ''''Send him a text,'''' he suggests.


    At this point, I don''t even know what to do again. Lisa must be up to something. I mean, there is no other reason she would be here. Whatever she is up to, I have to be one step ahead of her. I can''t have any more slip-ups. We are dealing with too much right now.


    I send ford a message and I change my shirt. jack follows me out of my room and she stands up from the couch.


    ''''Ready?'''' she slings her arm around mien. The irritation I feel is intense but there is nothing I can do. I haven''t really spoken to Ford all week and I am already so worried sick. Things didn''t really go well with his father and I haven''t had the guts to tell him yet.. Once he comes back I plan on telling him everything but for now; I need to handle Lisa before she wrecks us completely.

 Chapter 119 - You Bring The Smile To My Face

    Ford.


    The minute I stop crying and spiralling he asks me ''''Is that why you came?'''' his voice is calm. Very easy to respond to.


    I nod.


    ''''Your father will not accept you,'''' everyone knows him. they know how strict he is. He likes things done a certain way. Me being gay is not in the books and now I add more to the mix.


    ''''I can''t intervene. You are his son.'''' He tells me.


    ''''I will not let him go uncle. I need him in my life,'''' I cry out those words that I have kept inside for so long. The fact that Lance came into my life and changed it completely cannot be taken lightly. I owe him a lot more than he can even grasp. I will not survive without him.


    He is my forever guy.


    ''''Just tell me what you want, and I will do everything in my power to help you,'''' he assures me.


    I don''t know what I want. I came here because I want someone else on my side. When Lisa decides to spread the video. Father will try to do damage control and that will somehow involve me being sent away. I don''t want to leave Lance.


    ''''I want to be with him,'''' I cry desperately for a miracle.


    ''''Do you want me to talk to your father?'''' he asks.


    I shrug ''''He will not listen to you. He will do what he wants and that is to keep me away from Lance.''''


    He smiles ''''His name is Lance?''''


    I nod, thinking about lance and his usual bright smile and snarky attitude. ''''Yes, he is a great guy and I love him so much.''''


    Somehow, coming out makes talking about it easier. The words just flow out of my mouth and now I don''t want to hide it anymore.


    ''''Your father is harmless. You have nothing to worry about.'''' He assures me. I don''t believe him. I know that he is not harmless. I know the man he is. I have lived with him all my life and I know the things he can do.


    ''''He will not let me be with him,'''' I tell him.


    He shrugs ''''You are almost eighteen. He can''t control you for the rest of your life.''''


    In my head, I think ''He can,'' but I don''t say it out loud. There are things in my head, that I have never been able to say out loud. Things that only the two of us know. He has done so much that if said out loud, no one will believe. I am terrified of him because I know the things he could do.


    I know the type of man he is.


    ''''Do you want me to call him over for a family meeting?'''' he asks. That is the way uncle Max solves all his problems. By having a family meeting.


    That won''t work here.


    ''''He will not be happy with that,''''


    He nods ''''So what can I do?'''' he asks for like the millionth time today.


    I don''t know what he could do to help but I need him to be aware of everything that is happening. the only plan I have is telling him the truth before he finds out. Once I do that, the video that Lisa shares will be pointless. The only problem with telling him the truth is the anger that will come with that. I know what will happen after that. he will blame all my actions on my illness and find a way to send me away.


    He will lock me up for as long as he can.


    He will have all the control that he desperately craves.


    ''''I just want you to know. When I tell him about us. I want someone else to know about it, so that when he retaliates, I would have someone on my side.''''


    ''''He won''t do anything. Your father is all bark and bite.''''


    Everyone in the family seems to think that but all the man has done in my life is bite, bite, bite. So, I don''t think they know him as much as I do.


    ''''I am terrified of coming out to him,'''' I confess.


    He furrows his brow ''''Coming out?'''' he questions and I realise he might not know what that even means.


    ''''Telling him that I am gay,'''' I rephrase.


    He nods.


    ''''Just tell him the truth. Let me know how he reacts. The worst he will do is disown you.'''' He jokes and that doesn''t even seem like the worst thing the man could do. All my life, I have prayed that he would disown me. He would rather keep me at the tip of my fingers. He likes the control, almost like he feeds off it.


    ''''That is what I plan to do Uncle,'''' I tell him.


    He smiles again and stands up from the chair, slowly walking over to me ''''You don''t have to worry about anything. Your Grand Uncle Max will always protect you,'''' he winks as he pats my shoulder playfully.


    This means the world to me because coming here today, I didn''t have any other options but having him here on my side, somehow tells me that everything will be okay. Father is not the only one that will win. This time, I have a chance. I can choose my happiness with no fears or worries.


    ''''You should freshen up and come down for dinner,'''' he says, and I stand up as he finishes the sentence ''''You are staying for the week right?'''' he adds in question.


    I shake my head ''''I have to get back tomorrow,'''' I can''t leave Lance for too long. He needs me around especially with everything that is going on. I didn''t even tell him anything coming here. I didn''t want to give him false hope until I was sure.


    ''''Nonsense, you can''t come to my house and stay for only a day.'''' He dismisses as I get closer to the door ''''Stay for a couple of days, Elliot will show you around and keep you company,'''' he waves me out of the room. I walk back to my room and grab my phone. There are a couple of missed calls from Lance. A smile spreads to my face just from seeing his name on my phone.


    A message notification pops up and that smile is wiped out of my face from seeing her name.


    Why the fuck is she texting me?


    I open the message at once because this is not the time to ignore her. She literally has me on the tips of her fingers where she wants me. the ball is in her court and for the time being, she has all the control and my attention. I will listen to her and do what she wants until I gain that control back.


    Lisa: Hey, where are you?


    She is fucking acting like nothing even happened. How can someone be so oblivious? All that she has done makes me hates her so much. I don''t even want to be friends with her after everything is over and done with.


    Lisa: A bunch of us are going out for a movie. Come with me. I miss you.


    My heart pounds against my chest from the anger that she is infuriating. I don''t even want to respond to her. I don''t want to let her get me angry. Things are going good. I am in a good place right now. I won''t let Lisa and her wickedness ruin things.


    I dial Lance''s number and he answers on the first ring.


    ''''Where are you?'''' he blurts immediately he answers the phone. His voice is impatient and very worried.


    ''''I miss you,'''' I evade his question because I want to tell him everything in person. I want him to know that I am not giving up on him. I want him to know that this thing between us will not end. I will work hard to get him to be mine forever.


    ''''I miss you too,'''' he sighs into the phone.


    I knew that was going to work. Lance is the easiest person to read and it always is to my advantage. Cause making him happy is very easy.


    I sit down on the bed, ignoring my bag as I lie with my back on the headboard. I can hear his breathing through the phone. It is like music to my ears. The kind of sound I want to hear every day for the rest of my life.


    ''''I know it has been a weird couple of days, with everything that has happened, but I promise you, I will fix it all,'''' I assure him.


    I know he is smiling, even though I can''t see him.


    ''''You know you can talk to me. don''t take it all on your own. I got you.''''


    I know all that and more but for once, I want to be the one that handles things. I want to be strong for him. I want to protect him.


    ''''I know but leave this to me. I want to do this.''''


    ''''Okay.''''

 Chapter 120 - The Party And Dylan.

    Lance.


    We get into Lisa''s car and jack signals me with his eyes. I am in the front seat of her Porsche and he is at the back; all I can give him is a shrug because I am unsure of what is going on. Yeah, I am grateful that he came with me because I don''t think it would even be sensible to go out with her alone, especially after everything she has done. This is all so awkward and I don''t even know how to handle this.


    ''''This is ridiculous Lisa,'''' I groan in complaint. I have no choice but to do this with her even though I would rather be in hell than in the same car with her.


    ''''I asked Brad out and he didn''t respond. So you are my next option. Maybe when he sees this. he will be jealous.'''' Her eyes gleam brightly from her words. She seems to think she is so smart.


    Ford wouldn''t be jealous, he will be angry. I know already but this is not my fault. I sent him a message and he didn''t respond. So there was nothing I could do.


    ''''This is a bitch move you know,'''' Jack speaks up for the first time since we got into the car. we both look at him through the rearview mirror. I have a frown on my face but Lisa is all smiles and quirkiness.


    There is nothing to smile about.


    What she is doing is basically kidnapping.


    ''''I want to spend time with my boyfriend''s brother. Is that so wrong?'''' she asks him calmly.


    ''''You know for a fact that Lance is not his brother, so stop fucking kidding yourself.'''' He scoffs.


    Jack gets impatient in situations like this. I know that he is getting to that point but I also need him to calm down. this will not help anyone. There is no point in giving in to her. She wants us to go out. I will go out with her. I will sit this out till Ford returns. I don''t want to cause any more irreparable damage to our relationship. I still haven''t told him about the one I caused while he was away. Till now, I don''t know how mom is. I left the house that night and I have been at the apartment since. I can''t face her right now. I regret a lot of things I said to her and did. She is sensitive and I hurt her with my words and actions. I know I will need to apologize but I am not ready yet.


    She stops the car and I look outside. We are at a house. a different house from the last one they had a party at but also as big as that one.


    ''''Where are we?'''' I ask her immediately.


    She removes the key from the ignition and faces me with that same creepy smile ''''My house,'''' he mutters still smiling.


    I can hear the blaring of music. There is a party going on. It seems like all these kids do these days is have parties.


    Doesn''t anyone just spend their Friday nights studying?


    She leans forward and reaches for her bag, I watch her as she brings her phone out of it ''''Let''s take a picture,'''' she smiles as she opens the camera icon and slings her arms over my shoulder. I want to push her off me but I also know that I cant. I have no choice but to comply with her demands. I feel like I am being controlled by her and I hate being controlled.


    Fucking hell.


    ''''Smile,'''' she urges me but I don''t do what she says. The phone makes the click sound and I see the picture for a second before she pulls away from me. my expression is blank. There is anger in my eyes. Jack doesn''t even bother with the fa?ade.


    ''''Not the best but it will do,'''' she mutters and I wonder what she intends to do with the picture. ''''Come on, get down,'''' she tells us and we obey her like puppets.


    This is what my life has become.


    Fucking hell.


    We walk into the house and the music gets louder ''''Dude I have never been more irritated by a party than I do right now.''''


    This is weird for Jack to say. I mean he loves parties. There is a rush that he gets from parties. The music, the dancing, the alcohol. So for him to say this is shocking to me.


    ''''I would have thought this was your scene,'''' I mutter sarcastically.


    He rolls his eyes ''''Right now I will take being in bed with Trick over this shit. Lets bail already,'''' he groans and I can''t help but open my eyes wide from the shock of his words. He would rather be in bed with his boyfriend than at a party.


    Is this the Jack I know?


    Wow.


    ''''Why are we here Lisa,'''' I ask her as we walk into the living room of the house. there is a crowd here, people are dancing and drinking. Everyone seems to want to be here but us. ''''I need Ford''s attention. You are the only one he seems to be focused on now. So, I am using you.'''' She pulls out her phone and takes another picture of me.


    I already know what she is doing.


    If this will bring Ford back home, then a part of me wants that. I miss him so much and I guess it is selfish of me to want to use this bitch to lure him back home.


    ''''He doesn''t love you. What more do you need from him?''''


    She shrugs and then pulls us up the stairs of the house. we walk at her back until she gets into another large room. The crowd in this room is smaller. Thank the heavens. I recognise the faces here and this is like a relief. These are Ford''s friends. Dylan, Clara and Jason are here.


    Dylan looks up from the conversation he is having and a smile spreads on his face. his eyes stay fixed on mine and I wonder why. He is the only one that really talked to me at the last party. He is a cool guy but I am not really looking to make new friends.


    ''''So, there are drinks by the bar,'''' Lisa points to a bar at the corner of this room. This party seems a lot classier than the last one, that just had keggers of beer. Well, what do I expect from her?


    She is acting like we are her guests even though she basically blackmailed me to be here. With her words, she struts away from us and to a group of girls. She doesn''t really need us here, she is just being a bitch.


    ''''Dude, we should just x this shit. There is no way she will release that video. This whole blackmail shit is fun for her, she is basking it all in.''''


    He has a point, but I also don''t want to do anything else that could potentially mess things up any further. I just want Ford to get back and then we can deal with this together.


    I hear his phone ring as I am about to respond ''''I gotta take this,'''' he waves the phone in my face and I see Patrick''s picture. This thing between them is still shocking but I like it a lot.


    ''''Sure.''''


    I walk to a corner of the room that has the bar as he walks out. I can still feel Dylan''s eyes on me. I look up at him as the bartender asks me what I want. ''''What do you have that is not strong?'''' I ask him with a shy smile.


    He is a man that looks to be in his twenties, serving drinks to underage kids. What are the odds? I guess when you have money, you can do anything. He hands me a glass and I raise a brow ''''What''s this?''''


    ''''You wanted something mild, so you have it, a lot of coke mixed with a little vodka. Enjoy,'''' he says as he goes away from me to attend to someone else.


    ''''Fancy seeing you here Lance,'''' I hear his voice before I see him.


    I swing the stool around and there is a smile on his face with that same expression plastered.


    ''''Hey Dylan,'''' I manage.


    He sits down next to me and his shoulder brushes against mine gently ''''You left the party last time and Brad has been MIA, so I couldn''t ask him about you.''''


    I shrug not wanting to go into details. ''''Yeah, he has stuff going on.''''


    He nods ''''Yeah, it is not unusual for him. not the first time he has disappeared.''''


    I take another sip of my drink as I manage a smile ''''I heard you bat for the other team?''''


    I freeze at his words.


    He chuckles nervously.


    ''''You mean, you heard I am gay?''''


    He nods again.


    ''''And?'''' I ask him wanting to know why he would bring that up. I don''t want to go around announcing it. I mean straight people don''t have to announce that they are straight so why do gay people have to?


    ''''No and. I think it''s cool. You know. Being gay.''''


    I raise a brow, taking another sip of my coke. My head suddenly starts to feel lightheaded. I start to think back to earlier today. I didn''t eat much. Maybe I am hungry cause it definitely cannot be this drink.


    ''''Thanks,'''' I answer him unsure of what to say.

 Chapter 121 - Never Have I Ever

    Lance.


    Jack walks back to me with his phone in my grip. I raise a brow at him in question, still feeling very lightheaded.


    ''''Trick is stopping by if that is okay.'''' He informs me like I would have a problem with that. I don''t know what the bartender put in this drink, but I am already starting to feel drunk. This is not a good thing. Slowly, I push the drink away from me and the man that gave it to me walks back to us.


    ''''More?'''' he asks with a faint wink. I look at the glass and it is pretty obvious that I still have a lot left. This seems very suspicious to me. Makes me wonder why he is intent of giving me more.


    ''''No, I am fine.'''' I look away from him and Dylan is watching me with a smile on his face.


    ''''Not a fan of alcohol?'''' he asks.


    I shake my head; this has nothing to do with alcohol. I need to be in the right frame of mind. Especially since it involves Lisa. That girl is vindictive, and God knows why she brought me here.


    ''''I am not in the drinking mood,'''' I tell him a half-truth.


    He nods, I look at Jack and he has a bored expression on his face. usually at parties, he ends up mingling with people. He always has a bottle of beer in his grip but now all he wants to do is leave. I am so uncomfortable in this situation, but I also don''t want to do anything to get on her nerves.


    I feel her grip on my shoulder which makes me jolt up from the surprise ''''A bunch of us are playing never have I ever. You in,'''' she asks me with that same chirpy smile on her face.


    ''''Cool can I join?'''' Dylan asks.


    I haven''t even agreed to this, but this also seems like another situation where I wouldn''t have a choice in this.


    ''''I am fine,'''' I brush it off, in hopes that she wouldn''t force me into this. This just seems ridiculous to me. Why the fuck will she force me to do something like this. I already made a vow to myself that I wasn''t getting drunk tonight. It seems like that is her intention. To get me fucked up and I will not succumb to her.


    ''''You can''t say no,'''' she smiles.


    I frown.


    ''''Like hell he can''t, there is no way you will force him to do this. he said he is fine, so why don''t you just back the fuck off,'''' Jack glares at her angrily. I know this whole situation is pissing him off. He hates controlling people¡ªI mean who doesn''t but the fact that she is just toying us around must be pissing him off.


    Lisa raises a brow at him and then we both watch her and wait for her response. Slowly, she struts over to Dylan ''''Do you want to say a cool video I just came across?'''' she asks him with that cutesy expression plastered on her face. He furrows his brows in confusion and I watch her as she brings her phone out of her purse.


    ''''You will be shocked to see who is in it,'''' she says.


    Dylan shifts his eyes from her to me. he can sense something weird but he also remains quiet.


    ''''I''ll play,'''' I give in to her pressure because I am not ready for the outcome of disobeying her.


    She jumps away from him and straight into my arms. My arms stay limb because I don''t even know how to react to a hug from her. It doesn''t feel nice. I hate contact with her.


    I grab my phone from my jeans pocket and check to see if there are any messages or calls from Ford. I need him right now. Of all the times to go silent on me, he chose this moment to do that to me.


    How do I get out of this?


    ''''Come on, we are all in the next room,'''' she grabs my hand and I look at Jack. There is still a frown on his face.


    I am sure, he regrets coming along to this party. Being a fucking puppet is not the best thing out there. I wish there was a way I could get out of this. I have the least to lose from Lisa outing us at this party. These are all of Ford''s friends. I don''t even care what they all think about me, all I care about is Ford and he wouldn''t like his friends to find out about this.


    We walk out of the upstairs living room and Dylan whispers into my ear ''''What''s her deal?'''' he asks probably curious by what happened.


    ''''She is a bitch,'''' I whisper back to him.


    I can tell that he knows there is more to the story but he doesn''t push and I am thankful for that. we walk down the halls and she doesn''t stop until we get to a room. Once the doors are open, all eyes peer up at us. there is a total of seven people in the room. I know three of them. I don''t know the rest. Nate, Carla, and Jason are in here. The rest of the faces are unfamiliar to me.


    Not like Ford''s friends are familiar to me. they are basically just strangers to me too.


    Carla jumps up from the floor and runs into my arms. From the side of my eyes, I see Dylan looking at us. he raises a brow at me and this leaves me in confusion.


    Is he jealous?


    ''''Yay, Lance is here,'''' she screeches so loud that it almost deafens me.


    I grab unto her waist to steady her and she plants a soft kiss on my cheek. ''''Say cheese.''''


    We both look up at the same time and Lisa has her phones in our faces. She is fucking taking a picture. I let go of Carla immediately but all she does is giggle in amusement. I know how this can look. Here I am, at a party with a girl. I don''t think Ford will have that kind of reaction from the picture, but I just don''t want to be involved in that kind of situation, especially with his friends.


    ''''I brought Lance and his best friend Jack to play with us,'''' Lisa informs them.


    Most of them have uninterested expressions on their faces. It is not like they even give a shit about me and jack.


    ''''What happened to your face,'''' a girl asks jack.


    He looks at her and then shrugs nonchalantly ''''Got beat up?''''


    She raises a brow and he sits down next to her crossing his legs. ''''Did you at least get a punch in?'''' she asks him.


    He shaekes his head ''''Nope,''''


    The conversation is awkward, but everyone''s attention is diverted from me. at least that is a good thing. I sit in-between Carla and Dylan. Lisa sits opposite me. there are bottles of alcohol in the middle of us and shot glasses. Everyone grabs a shot glass and I watch, unsure of how I feel about this game.


    I don''t want to get drunk.


    I have to be honest.


    ''''So I''m sure everyone knows the game?'''' Jason asks all round which gets nods from everyone.


    ''''Who wants to go first?'''' he asks.


    Lisa raises her hand, my heart freezes in my chest. I don''t know what her plan is but I just hope it doesn''t have to do with me and Ford. There must be a reason why she wants me to partake in this. maybe to scare me.


    Yeah, I am scared but she won''t win. No one will know if I am honest or lying. So all I have to do is lie when it doesn''t pay me.


    ''''Never have I ever had sex in a public place,'''' she says, her eyes fixed on me. this bitch is out to get me and she isn''t even blinking. Her intent was to call me out on this.


    I look around as two people from the crowd take shots of whatever is in their cup. I remain fixed on lying. There is no point revealing myself. She cant possibly call me out on it.


    ''''Really, Carla, when did you?'''' Nate asks chuckling in between his question.


    Carla chuckles and pushes him playfully. This is all fun for all of them. The fact that I cant play this as a fun high school game because of Lisa stings. Why won''t she just leave me the fuck alone?


    ''''I know someone that is lying right now,'''' I hear her voice. Everyone faces her and she has that smile on her face. her eyes are still fixed to me. They all follow her eyes and now they are all looking at me.


    ''''Drink up Lance. you are not allowed to cheat,'''' she smiles calmly.


    My hands are trembling. ''''You can''t just assume that he is lying. That is not how the game works.'''' Jack tries to defend me but I know whatever he does will only make things worse.


    ''''You''re right¡­ sorry for that,'''' I grab the glass and gup down the spirit in the shot glass. It stings in my throat.. The burn totally getting my mind off what is happening.

 Chapter 122 - Mind Games

    Lance.


    Everyone in the circle takes a turn in asking questions and most of them are mellow. I end up drinking two more shots. Jack downs three shots and at this point, I am drunk.


    I am so over this party. The minute Patrick gets to the party, Jack leaves us to go and get him downstairs. I wish he wouldn''t leave me but I also cant ask him to stay by my side all day. The fact that he even came with me is more than enough to make me grateful.


    ''''So, my turn again,'''''' Lisa mutters again. The sound of her voice irritating me. the look on her face makes me want to bawl my insides out and it is not because I have had too much to drink. I look at the door once again, hoping that Jack walks in now and gets me out of this mess I have put myself in.


    ''''You ask the weirdest questions, Lisa,'''' Carla blurts out groggily. I am not the only one that is drunk but I also know that I am the only one that shouldn''t be out of my mind, especially with Lisa the bitch staring at me.


    ''''No, this one is good.'''' She tells her, her eyes still fixed to me.


    I look away from her and catch Dylan looking at me. he smiles immediately and I return the smile back. I don''t trust any of Ford''s friends. They all seem conceited and in their own worlds. Makes me wonder why he is even friends with them in the first place. Ford is nothing like all these people. all they care about is status and wealth. From just spending a couple of hours with them; I can tell. The only person that is semi tolerable is Dylan. He seems like a cool guy to be friends with¡ªnot like I am looking for any more friends. I have all the friends I could ever need.


    ''''Go on,'''' Carla urges her.


    My heart thuds against my chest as I wait for her question.


    ''''Never have I ever made out with someone of the same gender,'''' she says her question and it makes me know that this is a deliberate attempt at me. whatever she is doing, is pissing me the fuck off.


    All the girls in the group take shots and to my surprise, Dylan takes a shot too. I raise a brow and he shrugs, almost like it is not a big deal. I grab the glass from the floor and down the drink down. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am gay and proud and not even Lisa will try to make me hide that.


    ''''Oooh, I see two guys. Everyone already knows that Dylan is bisexual. Lance is gay, so no fun. I have another follow-up question to that can I play again?'''' she asks cheerfully.


    All I get from that is that Dylan is bi, so that means he HAS been flirting with me all night. I guessed that he was, but I chose to ignore it.


    ''''Lance is gay?'''' Clara asks looking at me.


    Everyone''s attention is fixed on me now. This is the kind of thing that I hate. All eyes on me. people waiting for me to speak. Lisa is taking things too far.


    ''''Yes, I am,'''' I admit because like I said, I don''t have anything to hide. I will not hide who I am for anyone. Not even Ford.


    That will be the height of it all.


    ''''Oh,'''' Clara mutters and I sense a hint of sadness in her tone. I knew she was also flirting with me, but I didn''t really think she liked me like that. seeing the hurt expression on her face makes me feel bad suddenly.


    ''''Anyways, on to my follow up question,'''' she giggles eagerly.


    Everyone shakes their heads immediately ''''You can''t play twice. That is not how this works'''' Nate interjects and for the first time, I am thankful that he is here. I don''t know what her question could possibly be, but I know it has something to do with me; since her sole intention is to jab at me.


    We all take turns again, I lose focus because I am not into this game, at all. The door remains closed and I wonder where Jack is. I know he went to get Patrick but it shouldn''t take this long.


    I grab my phone and dial his number. It goes straight to voicemail and this worries me. I try to stand up but Lisa raises a brow ''''Where are you going?'''' she asks me almost immediately.


    ''''to find my friend,'''' I tell her because I don''t even want to be here in the first place.


    She shakes her head immediately ''''We are not done with the game.''''


    ''''I am done,'''' I tell her.


    She frowns.


    ''''You are not done.''''


    She is talking to me and everyone is watching our conversation. It is almost like she doesn''t even care anymore. She wants everyone to see how much of a controlling bitch she is.


    ''''I need to find my friend,'''' I repeat because I don''t understand why she will keep me here when I don''t even want to be here.


    ''''sit down and continue the game, Lance,'''' she says dead-pan.


    ''''It is not that big a deal Lisa, let him find his friend,'''' Nate speaks up, a confused expression on his face. everyone is probably wondering what the fuck is going on.


    She faces Nate and puckers up the cheesiest smile. Her eyes shine brightly and if she was not such a bitch, I would say she was beautiful with that smile ''''We need to finish the game,'''' she tells him with that smile. His cheeks turn red and I watch as his girlfriend clutches him tightly.


    Lisa is a beautiful girl, she can have any guy she wants but she wants to be insistent on Ford, even though he is fucking gay.


    ''''Fine, play with us Lance,'''' he sighs in defeat.


    Just a fucking smile from her and she is putty in her hands. For a second, I was starting to like Nate, but I guess not.


    ''''You know you can''t say no,'''' she reminds me of the elephant in the room. Dylan leans closer to me and whispers in my ear ''''It seems like she is threatening you.''''


    ''''Yes, she is,'''' I tell him honestly.


    He furrows his brow and parts his lips, but I stop him before he can ask any more question ''''It is a long story.''''


    He nods and doesn''t push further.


    ''''So, my turn again,'''' Lisa announces and I groan out loud.


    ''''Never have I ever fucked my brother.''''


    I can''t even say I am shocked at her question. I can''t even say that it is impossible for her to so something like this. everything that is happening right now is not a surprise to me. She is doing this to embarrass me. She made me come out to his friends tonight and now she wants to bring Ford out too. No one has a right to out someone. Not even her.


    This is not fair.


    I can''t drink.


    I won''t drink.


    Dylan is watching me, almost like he has his suspicions.


    No one else seems to be interested.


    ''''That is fucking disgusting Lisa,'''' Jason accuses her.


    The smile is still on her face. Almost like she doesn''t care about anything. ''''You think so¡­ right?'''' she asks him with that fucking innocent expression still on her face.


    He nods his head, the disgust still plastered on his face. I look around the circle and everyone seems to have their glasses still on the floor.


    No one drinks.


    ''''I know someone that has,'''' she gleams like she is the keeper of the most interesting secret.


    ''''No one is drinking, so no one has,'''' Carla points out ''''Let''s move on to the next question.''''


    No one wants to stick to this question but Lisa.


    ''''Lance, you should drink up,'''' she pushes me with that smile still on her face.


    I jump up from the floor, hating this whole situation.


    ''''Why are you fucking doing this?'''' I shout at her. The anger boiling within me.


    ''''You know you have,'''' she gleams.


    My heart pounds.


    ''''I don''t know what the fuck you are talking about. I need to leave.'''' I head for the door. she calls my name.


    ''''You know what will come next if you do, so why don''t you just sit down and tell the truth. This is a truth game after all.''''


    ''''You are bullying him right now,'''' Dylan speaks up, defending me.


    She is not bullying me.


    She is blackmailing me.


    What is the point anyways?


    I am sure they have put two and two together.


    ''''I am not a bully.'''' She interjects.


    Jason chuckles ''''It seems like you are. What is all this talk of fucking brothers? This game is a drag.'''' He stands up ''''I am done with this game.'''' He informs her.


    ''''But he hasn''t even told us the truth.'''' She squeals.


    He frowns ''''What truth¡­ are you implying that he has fucked Brad cause that is what you are saying right now.''''


    I said it already, they put two and two together.


    ''''Yeah, lance. have you?'''' Lisa asks me.


    I guess she wants to do this today.


    The door to the room opens and my heart stops beating in a frenzy when I see him.. time stops and I know that I can breathe finally.

 Chapter 123 - Threats And Regrets

    Ford.


    ''''You call if anything happens?'''' Uncle Maxim asks immediately. This trip was needed because now I have someone on my side. The fact that he is willing to help me is everything to me. if I eventually get disowned by dad, I know he will take me in.


    ''''Thank you, Uncle.''''


    Elliot drives me to the airport again this time, he promised to stop by when he has free time. He is going to help me talk to Lisa. The fact that she could be arrested if she leaks that video means that she might be hesitant when she finds out. I just need someone to talk some fucking sense to her.


    I check my phone and there are no calls and messages from Lance. I want to surprise him. God knows how much I have missed him. seeing his face right now will be the best thing right now.


    ''''I''ll call you next week,'''' Elliot tells me as we part ways.


    ''''Thanks, man. This means a lot to me,'''' I mutter appreciatively.


    The fact that he is willing to do this for me is everything. I don''t know why I wasn''t born into this side of the family. I just had to be stuck with that and all the evil that comes with him.


    I check my bags and get into the plane.


    The plane lands and my whole mind is stuck on the fact that in just a couple of hours I will be in Lance''s arms. I have missed him so much that it is beginning to hurt. Just a week away from him and I feel so empty. Just shows that I cant live without him.


    I switch on my phone and it rings loudly as I enter the cab. A call from my father. I don''t want to answer him right now. The only person I want to talk to is Lance. I see a couple of messages and calls from him. the consistency of the calls bother me. I don''t know hwy he is blowing up my phone right now. I told him where I was going. It is not like I just disappeared.


    He knows I went to see Uncle Maxim.


    I answer his call immediately as the driver starts the car.


    ''''You''re back,'''' he states, almost like he knows. I didn''t tell him that I was coming back. I know it is the weekend and Lance would be at his apartment. I am supposed to surprise him there. Have a couple of days to ourselves. I didn''t want to go home.


    ''''No,'''' I lie wanting to stick to my original plan.


    ''''You are lying. I know you are back. Get home right now.'''' He ends the call, not even waiting for me to say anything else. This is not the first time he has monitored the things that I do. so it is possible for him to know that I am back but do I have to listen to him right now and go home.


    I don''t know why he sounded so cold on the phone but he seems angry. I don''t want to have to deal with him when he is angry.


    What if Lisa has shown him the video? I haven''t spoken to Lisa since that night. I didn''t know how to handle the whole situation and I warned Lance to stay away from her for the time being. I know her, she will only do something if she is aggravated.


    ''''I need to change addresses,'''' I tell the driver. He looks at me through the rearview mirror. I give him the address to the house. I need to make sure everything is okay. Lance doesn''t know I am back yet, so he wouldn''t be upset that I didn''t come to him first. I need everything to be okay before I go see him.


    I get to the house and all the feelings of happiness and security wipeout of my heart. This is supposed to be my home, I am supposed to feel safe but that is far from it. This place is like a prison to me and as I enter the front doors, it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I feel like I am suffocating. I drop my bags in the hall closest to my room and head for his office. it is pretty late, but I almost sure he is there. He called to see me, so he must be waiting for me.


    I knock gently as I take a deep breath, to go into obedient son mode. The plan is to tell him the truth before he finds out. I don''t want him to be ambushed. I want to tell him that I am in love with Lance and I want to be with him. I don''t plan on doing this tonight. I just want to be with Lance tonight.


    ''''come in,'''' he says through the door. I let the breath I am holding in out and the moment I walk in, I see the anger in his eyes.


    ''''Hey dad,'''' I manage. I have to act like there is nothing wrong.


    ''''Sit down and tell me why you went to my uncle''s house now.'''' He demands that angry tone still laced in the depths of his voice.


    I went to save myself.


    I think that but I don''t say anything. I can''t tell him until things pan out. right now, I just want to get through the night.


    ''''I went to visit him. He has been asking to see me, so I used the opportunity to do that.''''


    I lie like I usually do. there is no point being honest with this man. the more I am honest, the more he bites me in the ass because of my honesty.


    ''''You are lying to me right now.''''


    I freeze at his words ''''No I am not. I swear I didn''t do anything.''''


    He smiles ''''What did you do before you left?''''


    I furrow my brows in confusion.


    He keeps the smile on his face ''''You left some damage for me to fix. What did you say to Lance?''''


    Lance?


    What does he know?


    ''''Nothing.''''


    The best thing to do is deny, deny, deny. There is no point in being honest with him. whatever he knows has to do with Lance. I need to find out what it is. I hope Lance hasn''t done or said anything. we both promised to stay mum until I got back.


    ''''You are so good at lying, I don''t even know what else you could be keeping from me.'''' he murmurs, my heart is still beating heavily. I am scared right now.


    ''''I am not lying.''''


    He laughs ''''You know I have tried to be the best father that you could have. Even with all your problems. I have tried to stay by your side but now you are trying to mess up my relationship with my wife. I wouldn''t have that Brad.''''


    Shit.


    ''''I don''t know what you are talking about.''''


    ''''Lance is part of the family now, there is no point in trying to make him hate me. I stick to what I said, stay away from him. You don''t need to contaminate him with all your diseases.''''


    His tone is harsh, nothing unlike usual. this is the way he is. He insults me to the point where it hurts. I have diseases now.


    Okay.


    ''''I didn''t say anything to him.''''


    ''''Cut the bullshit, Brad. I told you one last slip up and I will send you away.'''' He warns me with his usual threats.


    Anything I do, and he brings out the big guns.


    Send me away.


    Right now, I don''t mind being away from him. as long as Lance is with me, I will be okay.


    ''''I have controlled the situation, so just keep your distance from him. I don''t need you spewing his mind with all your negativity.''''


    In my father''s eyes, I am tainted. My illness makes me useless to him. he hates that I am the way I am. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for him. I have accepted it and I don''t need validation from him.


    ''''Will that be all?'''' I ask him, wanting to be out of here now.


    ''''Yes, I will not repeat myself again.''''


    I leave his office and the first thing I do is grab my phone to read his messages. I need to ask him what happened when I was away but I also need to see him and hold him. I want his lips on mine.


    His touch.


    Fuck, this is the first time that a conversation with my father hasn''t left me upset and fuming. Maybe it is the fact that I have someone to go to. I have something to look forward too.


    At a party with Lisa. She is using the video to make me go.


    I freeze at the message. I should''ve read his messages earlier. With that, I see all the messages from Lisa. All the pictures. Everything.


    Shit.

 Chapter 124 - Home Again

    Ford.


    I drive to Lisa''s house. I knew she was having a party today. she asked me to come but I ignored her like I have been doing all week. She thinks she can just do whatever she wants. She has been calling me and texting me all week. I didn''t have anything to say to her, that is why I ignored her but seeing all the pictures and videos of her party and her involving Lance is pissing me the fuck off.


    The moment I get to her house, I see people around her compound. These are how these things go. High school parties, the kind of situation that makes you feel like you belong with a group of people when in reality, you don''t. That is how I felt all my life. Coming to parties, going to school but still all alone and then Lance came along, and he brought this very bright light with him. the kind that made me see things clearly. He made me smile, he made me happy. I started to feel things again. Things I thought I would never feel, and Lisa thinks she is going to take that from me. there is no way I am going to let her.


    I get down from my car and people start to greet me. people that are not friends. I ignore them all and go straight into the house. I need to find them because I know that things won''t go well as long as it involves Lisa. There must be a reason why she would bring him here and It doesn''t and have anything to do with bringing me to the party. She has been inviting me out all week and I have been ignoring her, so I guess she is now pissed and this is her payback. I get downstairs and I see Jack and Patrick. This confuses me because I don''t know why they are here together.


    ''''Ford,'''' Jack walks up to me with a frown ''''Where the fuck have you been?'''' he asks me immediately.


    ''''I had some stuff to do,,'''' I tell him without giving him any details. The only person I want to talk to is Lance. I want to find out what happened while I was away and I want to tell him everything I have been up to. I want to touch him and kiss him. I want to be in bed with him for a whole night.


    I have a lot of things to do with him.


    I look around in search of Lance ''''He is upstairs¡­ shit, I have been gone for a while,'''' he probably just realised.


    ''''Why is he upstairs alone?''''


    ''''We were playing a game,'''' he informs me, even though I kinds know Lisa is fond of playing games with people''s hearts. right now, she is roping Lance into things he doesn''t want to do.


    I leave them and go up the stairs of the house. I am familiar with Lisa''s house. growing up, I used to come here a lot. This was once my safe haven from home. Lisa was once a safe haven to me.


    Now she is someone I hate.


    I stop in front of the door and I hear the sounds, I can recognise Lance''s voice anywhere. He is yelling at the top of his lungs¡ªhe sounds pissed. It is to be expected. when it involves Lisa.


    The moment I open the door, my eyes meet his and there is this expression of relief that overthrows the anger on his face. He doesn''t smile, he is still shaking in anger¡ªat whatever just happened but there is this internal conversation that we have, just between us. He is happy to see me but he also doesn''t want to show it.


    ''Brad is here,'''' Jason speaks up, I detect a hint of disarray.


    Everyone is seated on the floor, there is a smile on Lisa''s face. she seems to be the only one that is enjoying whatever is going on here. Everyone looks like they want to be out of this room and away from the situation.


    ''''What the fuck do you think you are doing Lisa?'''' I walk up to Lance and grab him by his arm ''''Come on, let''s get out of here,'''' I tell him, and he starts to follow me out of the room.


    ''''You haven''t answered the question, Lance, we are all waiting,'''' she stops us.


    I look at her totally confused. What question did she ask him and why does everyone look so wary?


    ''''I don''t have anything to say,'''' he manages.


    ''''It is a yes or no question,'''' she stands up and walks over to us. all eyes are on us now and I don''t even know what the fuck she is talking about.


    ''''What are you on about now?'''' I ask her because I want to get to the bottom of this.


    She smiles and then crosses her arms over her chest. ''''So the question was, never have I ever fucked my brother,'''' the moment I hear those words. I know what she is playing at. This is her way of threatening him. make him see that she is serious.


    She wants to fucking out me.


    I am at the point where I don''t fucking care anymore. I am ready to come out for him. these people in this room are my friends. Or at least, the closest things I have to friends. I will be fine without them in my life but I wouldn''t without Lance.


    ''''What do you want him to do¡­ drink?'''' I ask.


    She opens her eyes wide from my response. She didn''t expect me to say that. even lance has a look of confusion on his face. he is giving me the eye. Telling me not to do anything stupid but I am ready to be stupid. If it will make me happy.


    ''''If he has¡­sure,'''' she gets herself back on track. I look around the room. Even though this might not be the smartest thing to do. I have already made up my mind.


    ''''Why don''t I help him. if that will make you all feel better.'''' I walk over to the cups on the floor and reach for one. I grab the bottle of vodka and pour it into the glass ''''You all want to know if Lance has fucked me¡­right?'''' I ask them.


    No one seems to be as hell-bent as Lisa but I want to get this over with. I have always been terrified of coming out. I didn''t want the judgement, the hate that would come with being different. the fact of the matter is, no matter what you do, there will always be judgement, people will always hate you. You don''t have to be gay before it happens.


    I don''t care about that anymore.


    I don''t care about my crew hating me, or thinking I am disgusting. I don''t care about my father thinking being in love with Lance is wrong. I love him and I am not hiding it anymore. I am ready to be seen for who I am and that is a gay man and proud.


    ''''Here is your answer,'''' I take the glass and gulp the drink all at once. This is what they wanted right. The truth.


    There they have it.


    ''''Lisa has a video of it, if you all want to see it,'''' I tell them.


    Their eyes are wide from the shock of what is happening. ''''Oh, just know that anyone that shares that video will be arrested for child pornography, as under the law I am still a minor.'''' I pull unto Lance''s arm tighter and lead him out of the room. My hands are trembling. I can''t believe I just did that.


    ''''Holy shit,'''' Lance exclaims, almost tripping. For the first time tonight, I notice that he is drunk. I stop walking so fast and grab him even tighter.


    ''''You okay,'''' I ask him.


    He parts his lips but doesn''t say anything, slowly his hands wrap around my waist and he pulls me even closer to him. I watch him, unsure of what he wants to do but I want to kiss him so badly. Everything that happened in there hasn''t really sunk in completely. I am sure the reality of it will kick in tomorrow but I just want to enjoy him for the rest of the night. I don''t want to think of the consequences of my actions for tonight.


    ''''You just came out,'''' he slurs his words, still holding on to me.


    I nod with a smile ''''I guess I did,'''' I tell him.


    He giggles resting his forehead on mine. I close my eyes, taking in his scent. I have missed this so much. Just being close to him and holding him. how did I get so fucking lucky?


    ''''I missed you,'''' he blurts out and this makes me open my eyes. His eyes are still closed. I lean forward because I want to kiss him. I want to feel his lips on mine.


    The moment our lips touch, all my worries dissipate.


    I am home again.

 Chapter 125 - I Missed This

    Lance.


    Kissing him, after so long is like a blessing and a curse. The hunger within me boils so hard that I want to rip off his clothes and fuck him in the middle of Lisa''s halls. I sniff him in as I try to register his smell into my brain. It has been so long that it feels like I have completely forgotten his face. After pulling apart, I touch his face gently, taking every bit and piece of him in.


    He smiles in my arms like he has no care in the world.


    ''''You are really here,'''' I manage excitedly. I cant show him excited I am. This man in front of me is everything to me. the fact that he came at the exact time that I needed him is everything. my heart thuds in my chest as I try to calm my nerves down.


    ''''Can we get out of here?'''' he asks me, slowly looking away from me as the music from downstairs gets louder. It hasn''t fully registered that he just freaking came out fo the closet. That is a big deal. Ford was so far in the closet that I am sure he could see Narnia. I never even imagined that he would do that. especially to people close to him. it makes me excited and scared at the same time.. excited that now we don''t have to hide. Eventually, this would get to his father and we will have to come clean. I will explain to my mom, she will understand and all will be right with the world.


    Okay, I know that is far fetched. It can never be as easy as I just made it out to be but now we can stop all the fucking pretence. It is not even good for the heart. secrets are the fastest killer.


    ''''Yeah.''''


    As we head down the stairs, jack and Patrick smile at us with that guilty expression I knew they would have. Jack completely abandoned me back there. He knew how the situation was and he left me because of a man. Can you even imagine it?


    ''''I am such a douche,'''' he admits immediately.


    I frown ''''Yeah you are. We are done here. I am sure your boyfriend can take you home.'' I tell him blatantly.


    Patrick nods his head immediately. I haven''t really had a conversation with him. we haven''t talked about the whole relationship he has with my best friend but with everything I am dealing with, I haven''t had the time to add that. eventually, I will set a lunch date with him and I will find out what his intentions are. The fact that he had a thing for me at a point is still there. I need to make sure he doesn''t plan on breaking my best friends heart.


    ''''Sure, we are not even staying,'''' he tells me.


    I mean, it is not like we both wanted to be here. This situation was forced. We had no choice.


    ''''What happened while I was away,'''' Ford asked, probably just noticing the bruises on his face. it is a shock that he didn''t notice it before because that is all anyone can see from a mile away.


    ''''Long story.''''


    We part ways and Ford takes me into his car. I know things are kinda tense right now because there are a lot of unspoken things. I still need to talk to him about his father. I need to tell him the truth because there is a chance that he will find out.


    ''''I am sorry for being gone for so long,'''' he breathes out heavily once the car starts.


    I wave my hand in the air ''''You''re here now when it matters the most,'''' I assure him because I don''t want him beating himself up for anything.


    ''''Were things hard while I was gone?'''' he glances at me gently.


    I shake my head ''''I missed you a lot.''''


    That is the truth. Being without Ford was like punishment. I felt like a part of me was missing all the while. His absence ate at me, and the more I tried not to think about it, I thought about it.


    ''''I missed you too, can we just go to your apartment?'''' he asks immediately. I know he wouldn''t want to be home right now and I also don''t want him to have any opportunity to meet up with his father right now. I know John promised that he wasn''t going to mention anything to him but I can''t be too sure.


    I still don''t believe him.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I reach for his free hand, the one that is not clutching unto the steering will and squeeze it gently ''''I want to just hold you all night,'''' I tell him because that is how I feel.


    He smiles warmly, the smile that tugs on my heartstrings. We get to the apartment building and I lead him into mine. Once the door is closed, he pulls me into his arms, and I hold him as if my life depends on it. his breathing is steady, I can feel the rise and fall of his chest against mine. My heart thuds heavily as he caresses my hair softly. His touch is doing things to me. things that are driving me crazy.


    ''''I''ve missed you,'''' he groans into my ear as I grab unto the hems of his shirt. we stay in each other''s arms, for such a long time that when we finally pull apart, I can''t tell if it was me or him that pulled away first.


    ''''Can I have a shower?'''' he asks me.


    I nod immediately and he starts to take off his clothes in the middle of the living room. His eyes never leave mine and I stay glued to the striptease in front of me. I don''t know If he wants me to join him but that is all I want to do at this moment. He smiles as he is left in just his boxers. His hair falls to his face and I take a step towards him, wanting to touch him. he grabs my hand before I get the chance and I glare at him. this gets a chuckle out of his lips.


    ''''The strip tease worked?''''


    I nod.


    He grabs me by my waist and pulls me closer ''''Do you want to get naked with me?''''


    I nod again.


    This time, he reaches for my shirt and pulls it over my head. I smile from ear to eat because I know what is coming next. I have missed being intimate with him. it''s just been a week and it feels like it has been months. His fingers graze the button of my jeans and I keep smiling as he tugs on them.


    ''''I see you''ve missed me too,'''' he winks and my heart melts in my chest, his fingers stay on the hem of my jeans as I get even harder. the craving for him multiplying.


    With one swing, he unbuttons my jeans and pulls it off me. Now we are both in our boxers alone. Exactly how I wanted it to be ''''don''t you want to have yours shower anymore?''''


    He shakes his head immediately and at that moment, he pulls me back to his arms, smashing his lips against mine with so much intensity and force. The minute, our tongues mesh together, I lose all control and give my whole body to him. Ford pushes me so hard till my back hits the wall with a loud thud. I don''t even care that there is a sting in my back as he grinds into me. all I can focus on is the pleasure. I didn''t know what I was missing out on until he kissed me.


    Fuck, I have missed him.


    He keeps grinding into me and I feel him hard against me. I reach for his dick and he stiffens from the touch, totally not expecting it.


    Slowly, I start to stoke him through his underwear. I don''t know how long I will last the moment he is inside me but I can''t wait. There is a desperation within me that I can''t even understand.


    I feel him quiver against my touch as I go faster, wanting to send him over the wall with pleasure. Our lips are still together. He is trying to hold out but I don''t want him to. I want him to cum as fast as he can. I want to send him to that euphoric bliss, that only I can take him too.


    The faster I go, the louder he screams and moans. That sound driving me completely crazy. I feel him the moment he reaches that place, I know it. this time, I stroke him even more aggressively. In a rush, he pulls away from my lips and rests his head in the crook of my neck. His eyes close as I feel him spill over my hand and his boxers.


    ''''Fuck,'''' he breathes out.


    I smile, completely satisfied with his reaction.


    ''''My turn,'''' I wink and this gets a smile from him.


    I missed this.

 Chapter 126 - Lisa And Her Act Of Love

    Lisa.


    That didn''t go as I planned.


    How am I supposed to get the guy at the end when I can''t seem to win right now. I thought with the blackmail, Lance would at least leave him alone for some time. At some point in our lives, Brad actually had a thing for me and now he is suddenly gay?


    It is not fair.


    ''''Why did you do that?'''' Dylan asks with a straight face. I looked at everyone''s reaction all night and he looked like the one person that didn''t actually find what I did funny.


    I know he has a thing for Lance. if today had gone as planned, they should''ve ended up together in bed. I tried to get him drunk, playing games that I know would. I gave the bartender strict instructions to make sure he has alcohol. The strongest ones, but nothing worked. All the questions I asked, I made sure had to do with things that he has done.


    If Brad hadn''t shown up, I am sure he would have ended the night with Dylan.


    ''''Do what?'''' I bat my lashes in the way I usually do. you know, the one that gets all the guys to do exactly what I want.


    He rolls his eyes, totally not buying my bullshit


    ''''Cut the crap, Lisa. What do you have against Lance? he seems like a cool guy.''''


    I sigh of course he would think he is a cool guy. Everyone thinks Lance is such a cool guy but I know the truth. I know that he is just using Brad. The guy is sick, he is vulnerable. He doesn''t know what he is doing. I am the only one that really knows him. I am the only one that has been there for him¡ªafter all those years. This is how he repays me.


    ''''Well, he did admit that he is fucking Brad.''''


    At least something good came out of the part. I didn''t expect Brad to just come out like that. he has been hiding this side of him for so long. Being gay is just a disease. I know that much. I have done my research. This is all his illness talking.


    If he just continues taking his medication constantly, he would be okay. Brad is still in denial and that is why I need to be there for him. I have been holding out on telling his dad because I know how he will handle it. I don''t want him to send him away yet. I want to try and fix him on my own but now I don''t know how to handle this. I have tried to get Lance to stay away from him but how do I do that when they live together.


    ''''Is that such a bad thing?'''' he asks me with a raised brow.


    I open my eyes wide ''''They are brothers,'''' I remind him since he seems to have forgotten.


    This is pissing me off.


    ''''They aren''t real brothers.''''


    Does that even matter?


    The fact that his mother and Brad''s father are together just makes their whole relationship disgusting. I don''t say that out loud because it seems like Dylan doesn''t get it.


    ''''Why aren''t you even upset. I saw the way you were looking at him all night.'''' I accuse him.


    ''''You think just because I like someone, I will suddenly do shit to ruin his relationship. I know why you are doing this; Brad doesn''t have a thing for you.'''' He interjects.


    I frown, crossing my arms over my chest ''''This doesn''t have anything to do with me liking him. Brad is my friend, and I am only trying to protect him.''''


    That Is why I am doing this.


    For brad,


    No one knows him like I do. No one knows all the things that he has been through and I know he can''t handle a lot of things. So, he needs me in his life and I need him too.


    I can''t give up from him.


    ''''This is not your business Dylan. Just carry on along and act like you don''t know anything.''''


    I walk away from him and all the way to my room. I run my hands through my hair as thoughts keep running in my mind. I don''t know what to do. how do I fix this problem?


    It seems like the blackmail isn''t going to work.


    If I tell John, he will spiral and I wouldn''t have the opportunity of seeing Brad for a while. I don''t want him to send him away yet.


    There is only one person I can talk to about this.


    ***************


    ''''What a nice surprise Lisa,'''' she smiles at me.


    I take a seat on the couch, as the fake smile I give adults come out to play. We are in a study. A part of this house that I haven''t been in before. I grew up coming here. I would always spend weekends with Brad and his family. Thanks to John, I felt like I had a family. I felt the love you get from the people closest to you.


    I felt like I belonged and then Lance came into the picture and somehow took him from me.


    ''''You might not think that when I tell you what I have to,'''' I keep the smile on my face. It somehow helps to calm a tensed situation.


    The smile on her face wipes off as she drops the glass of orange juice on the table and sits down opposite me.


    ''''Is everything okay?''''


    I shake my head ''''I found out something and I thought I should let you know.''''


    She nods, worried as fuck.


    ''''You know how Lance and Brad have suddenly become close?'''' I aks her.


    She nods again. I continue with a huffed breath ''''Well they are a lot closer than you think,'''' I tell her.


    I have always thought that Lance''s mother was a nice woman. I actually like her and John together. He needs someone like her to be the calm to his storm, maybe if she finds out about them, she will be able to stop it before it is too late.


    ''''I found out something about them, something that I think you should know.''''


    She frowns ''''What are you talking about?''''


    I know that deep down, she must have a clue. With the way they have been acting. She was bound to have noticed something. They aren''t so good at hiding things. Just from looking at them, looking at each other, I can tell.


    ''''Lance and Brad are in a relationship,'''' I say those words and the expression on her face is predictable. The shock and confusion sprawl to her face as she watches me, unsure of what to say.


    I am hoping this will help.


    ''''What do you mean by relationship¡­ they are just friends and brothers. This has to be false,'''' she shakes her head dismissively. I knew she was going to be in denial, no one would want to accept this. she wouldn''t even like to think about this.


    ''''I just found out about it and I thought to let you know.''''


    That Is the truth. It is not like I am lying. I am just choosing to omit some fragments of the truth.


    ''''How did you find out,'''' she asks and I notice that her hands are shaking.


    She is finding it very hard to accept this. I mean, I completely understand her. I wouldn''t want my son to be sleeping with my new husband. That would definitely put a strain on the marriage.


    ''''There''s a video circulating. One that I have been able to contain. It is not PG friendly.'''' I pause and then manage a sombre expression. I have to make this look plausible ''''Do you want to see it?'''' I add in question.


    She shakes her head immediately, I knew she wouldn''t. no one would want to see their kid having sex with someone else. That is just beyond gross.


    ''''I know this is not something you would want to hear but I am Brad''s friend and I don''t want to see him spiral. If I tell his dad about this, he might send him off to a psych ward again. So I just thought you could talk some sense to Lance. Make him see how wrong this is.''''


    She nods ''''Thank you for talking to me about this.''''


    I stand up and she leads me out of the room until we get to the front door of the house ''''Can you keep this from John. I don''t want him worrying. I will handle this on my own.''''


    I nod my head as my way of assuring her. I don''t even plan on telling him. John will make this whole thing messy and I want it as clean as possible.


    ''''Sure thing.''''


    She manages a faint smile, I can tell it is not sincere. She probably just wants me to leave, as I am the bearer of bad news.


    ''''Thank you for telling me, Lisa.''''


    I leave her house with the notion that I have done something right. All that I am doing is for Brad.. I have to protect him since he can''t protect himself.

 Chapter 127 - Selfish Desires

    Lance.


    Do you know that moment where you feel like someone is watching you while you''re sleeping?


    I feel that way right now.


    I pull Ford closer as he wraps his arms around me but something doesn''t feel right. Something is wrong and I can''t place it.


    Slowly, I part my eyes open and my mother''s figure is peering up at me. There are tears in her eyes. At first, this feels like a dream. There is no way she is here right now. That will mean, our secret is not a secret anymore. I jump off from the bed and this gets Ford out of his trance. He opens his eyes and upon realization, he covers himself properly with the sheets. We are both on the floor, our only source of comfort are our pillows and body. Since my bed is too small, we have gotten so used to sleeping on the floor. Somehow with him in my arms, it is not so uncomfortable.


    ''''What the fuck is going on here Lance,'''' she shouts so loud, I can already tell she is angry.


    This is the first time she has ever raised her voice at me in this manner. I knew I should have told her before she found out. How did she find out?


    ''''Mom, I can explain,'''' I try to sound as calm as possible. This is a win or lose situation.


    Either she understands or not.


    I hope she does.


    ''''Get dressed right now,'''' with that she walks out of my room and slams the door loudly. I look at Ford and he has this terrified expression on his face. I know we have been saying that we are ready to come out as a couple but now that it has become real, I don''t know how if feel about it.


    ''''It''s going to be okay,'''' I try to assure him but how do you assure someone when you are not even sure about anything. The look she gave me will forever be etched in my mind. She looked at me with disappointment, like somehow I have let her down.


    ''This is all part of the plan. We said we were going to be honest. We just have to tell her the truth,'''' he tells me as he starts to put on his clothes.


    What is the truth?


    I don''t even know anymore.


    When I finally gather up the courage to put on my clothes, I walk out of my room with Ford, holding unto me tightly. We get to the living room and she looks up at me from the kitchen counter. Her hands are in a fist, her hair is a mess on her head. She is dressed in a plain t-shirt and shorts with flip flops. The fact that she is wearing flip-flops just shows me how in a hurry she was to come here. My mom hates exposing her toes. Till this day, she still calls them dinosaur toes. She says they are crooked and ugly.


    I don''t see them that way but that has always been her insecurity.


    ''''Mom,'''' I call her name so low that she almost doesn''t hear me. she looks up and the frown is still on her face, slowly, her eyes shift to our hands and I retract from him immediately. This is not the time to be rubbing it in.


    We need to find a way to convince her that this is not so bad. I don''t even know how I plan on doing that.


    ''''I need to speak to you alone,'''' she tells me.


    I shake my head ''''This is about the two of us,'''' I insist because her splitting us up will just make things difficult.


    We need to be together.


    ''''Marybelle, please just let us explain,'''' Ford speaks up for the first time.


    She shakes her head ''''I don''t have anything to say to you, Brad. This is between me and my son.''''


    This is actually between me and Ford but maybe she just wants to be able to freely express herself without him being there. I don''t mind having a conversation with her.


    Maybe I can try and explain things to her. She is so angry right now that I doubt she will listen to reasoning.


    ''''Okay, I will wait in your room,'''' he tells me. the expression on his face is a ''You can do it,'' expression. I know I can get her on my side but I don''t think it will be that easy. The fact that she found out on her own and not through me is probably what hurts her the most.


    Once Ford is in the room, she walks over to me and slaps the top of my head painfully.


    "Mom,'''' I cry because it actually hurts.


    ''''don''t mom me,'''' she warns me glaringly.


    I get why she is pissed but she is acting like a child right now.


    ''''How could you do this Lance. You didn''t see any other guy in the whole fucking world but John''s son¡­ how is this fair?'''' she accuses.


    No one understands. I didn''t choose to fall in love with him. This happened before I knew he was John''s son.


    ''''I didn''t know he was John''s son. You know I met him at a party before i was introduced to him,'''' I remind her.


    The frown remains on her face ''''and after you found out? Why didn''t you stop whatever this is?''''


    ''''Because I love him.''''


    She laughs.


    I frown ''''It is true, I love him mom and I don''t plan on letting him go.''''


    ''''You can''t do this to me, Lance, this is unfair. I finally find someone I love and you just have to do your usual and fuck it up.''''


    The fact that she is swearing just shows me how pissed she is. She hates being this person in front of me. whenever I curse, she shouts on me to stop and now the tables have turned.


    ''''This is not about you, it doesn''t matter if we are together.''''


    ''''It matters to me. John is very strict, he wouldn''t take this and you know that.''''


    Oh, so she knows just how much of a monster that man is. If she is okay with marrying a psycho, then she should not drag me into it.


    ''''This is about me and Ford. We don''t have to live by your rules.''''


    ''''I am still your mother,'''' she yells.


    I nod ''''Yeah and I love you very much but if I have to choose between Ford and you, I will choose him.''''


    That is the truth.


    There is no doubt or hesitation in my mind. Ford is my future and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. I am almost eighteen. I have my life to live for me and if anyone tries to do anything that will end in making me unhappy, then I choose to let go.


    ''''You will choose a boy over your own mother?'''' she asks in disbelief.


    I nod ''''Mom, it doesn''t have to come to that. We can all be happy together.'''' I try to reason with her.


    She frowns ''''It will not work. I will not accept this."


    I sigh ''''Please mom. At least think about this clearly.''''


    I am trying to convince her even though I know it can never be that easy. Maybe after a couple of days but right now, she will never see what I see. I look at her and there are tears in her eye.


    ''''I have tried to be the best I can be for you. After your father died, I had nothing. I worked so hard so you wouldn''t have to suffer. I took care of you but all you ever repay me with is problems.''''


    She is being mean right now.


    ''''That''s not true.''''


    ''''Everything with you is always difficult. I have to bribe you when I want you to do something for me. you act however you want. You are so selfish. Have always been.''''


    She is talking about my dad.


    We don''t talk about him.


    What is her point right now?


    ''''I am not perfect but you can''t say all this about me. I have tried to be a good son. Just the way you''ve been there for me. I have been there for you. I had to take care of myself growing up. I get that you were busy working to take care of me but I never complained. I tried to understand that you were trying. So saying I am selfish is unfair. I didn''t plan this. Do you know how hard it has been for me? My whole relationship has been hard because I keep thinking about you.''''


    Now we are both crying but I need her to see that this is not my selfish desires. I didn''t do this intentionally. This was out of my control.


    She reaches for me, but I take a step away from her. I feel too terrible right now. I don''t know if I can continue this conversation right now.


    This is harder than I thought it would be.

 Chapter 128 - The Promise

    Ford.


    This is bad.


    I wanted to be the one to tell everyone. Somehow, I thought it coming from me would make things better. Yeah, who am I kidding? It was always going to end this way, whether we liked it or not.


    I am being shut out. I get it, this doesn''t have anything to do with me. I am not her son. The only person she would be disappointed in is Lance. I will leave the disappointment to my father. he will give me his own fair share of grievance. So maybe worrying about Marybelle is not up to me. Maybe Lance can handle her on his own.


    I hear the shouting from his room and trust me, I want to burst out of here and run to his rescue but I don''t think it will do any of us any good. She has every right to be upset. We are doing things that might affect her marriage but this is not about her, this is about us. at the end of it all, we have our lives to live and I am done living my life for anyone else but me.


    I hear the bang of the front door after a couple of minutes and then his room door burst open. Marybelle looks at me, in tears. Now I even feel worse. She looks at me with a frown as she wipes her tears ''''Please leave, I will handle Lance on my own.'''' She tells me.


    This is he basically kicking me out. I completely understand her but I wish I could stay. I haven''t even tried to convince her that I am actually good for him. we are good together. This doesn''t have to affect her and my dad.


    ''''Can I at least explain things?''''


    She shakes her head immediately ''''I need you to just stay on your own for now. Lance will not be coming back to the house for a while.''''


    She is trying to keep him away from me. I didn''t expect this from her. The only person I thought was capable of this is dad and now she is doing the same thing. Maybe being with him for too long has rubbed off on her in the wrong way.


    ''''Please don''t do this,'''' I beg with so much desperation.


    I can''t stay away from him. I just got to him after a week away and I don''t think I can survive longer.


    She sighs. I can tell this is hard for her. She hates to be this person but she is choosing my fathers side at this moment. I wish she could choose me and Lance. I wish she could give us a chance.


    ''''I just told him how wrong this is¡­ please don''t let me repeat myself,'''' she begs as the tears fall down her face.


    I cant push things today because there is no convincing her while things are still hot. The only thing I can do is give her time and work on how I plan on telling my dad. He will eventually find out.


    Just like she did.


    How did she even find out?


    I put on my shoes in a hurry and walk out of the house. my eyes roam around the corridors in search of him. I don''t want to leave without at least saying goodbye to him. I don''t want him worrying or thinking they have won. This is not over.


    I can''t even call him because he left his phone in the room. Once outside in the parking lot, something pulls me to look up. I see him at the roof. I don''t know how I even know it is him¡ªmaybe you can call it instinctual but instantly, I am running back into the building until I get to the roof.


    I didn''t really hear his conversation with his mother, but it must have been tough for him to storm out of there. I open the metallic door to the roof and he looks back immediately. I walk over to him and he is in my arms in an instant.


    ''''Baby,'''' he cries into my arms.


    ''''I thought she would be on my side. I was so confident that she would have my back,'''' he tells me still in tears.


    This is not her fault.


    Yeah, he had too many high expectations. There is no world where she would take this with smiles and encouragement. This is a big deal. To anyone. it will take a lot of acceptance for your mother to accept you being with your stepfather''s son. It is a touchy topic that will take a lot of getting used to. I know she will eventually come around but it might be too late then.


    ''''I don''t want to be here anymore. I don''t want to be without you.'''' He concludes.


    I have thought about running away together. As long as I still have my trust fund. I can take care of both of us. This is supposed to be the backup plan, but we need to see how things play first.


    ''''Babe, it has been a couple of minutes. Don''t you at least want to give her the benefit of the doubt? Let''s see if she will come through. She might end up being on our side.''''


    I am trying to see the glass as half full. I know his mother is a good person. I see the way she looks at him. she genuinely loves him, and I know that Lance knows that because he loves her too.


    Is it such a good idea for him to leave her right now?


    ''''She is never going to come around. You didn''t see the look on her face. she is disgusted. She hates me.''''


    I shake my head, pulling away from him so I can see his face, slowly, I wipe the tears that are on his cheeks. I want to find the right words to assure him that she doesn''t but I don''t know what to say.


    ''''She doesn''t hate you,'''' I tell him because deep down I know how much that woman loves him.


    ''''She said I am selfish and she is right. I haven''t thought about her all through this. I have been thinking about myself.''''


    That is not true.


    He is the most selfless person I have ever met ''''You are not selfish Lance. you are far from it. this thing between us is out of our control. There is a pull that kept bringing you back to me. There was nothing we could do.''''


    ''''Please let''s run away, I am tired of everything,'''' he cries. This is hurting me a lot more than he can even fathom. Our relationship seems doomed and we haven''t even been together for a long time. I want forever with him but there are these forces that want to pull him away from me.


    ''''Are you willing to leave everyone and everything behind?'''' I ask him. he seems to be forgetting about Jack. His best friend that he hasn''t been apart from in like forever.


    Is he going to leave him too?


    ''''Jack will visit. He will know where we are. I want to be with you more than I want to be here.'''' He tells me. My heart aches in my chest from his words. I will be the cause of him separating from his mother and best friend. it seems like I only bring problems into his life.


    I want to be better.


    I wish things could be different for us, but this is the life we have been dealt with and we have to make choices.


    I choose him and I will keep choosing him over and over again. There is no one else but him. there is a look in his eyes, somehow behind the tears, there is excitement. He is thinking about this is a little too deeply.


    ''''I want to do this with you. Please don''t let her keep you from me,'''' he begs again.


    I release a sigh from the frustration of being put on the spot. I can''t refuse him. I know his mom will come around and then we can get her on our side but if he needs an escape right now, then I will give him that.


    ''''Okay. Let me pack a few of my things. I will be back here in an hour; I want you to wait for me by the convenience store.'''' I finally give in to him and with that, he smashes his lips to mine, roughly pushing me against the wall.


    ''''I love you,'''' I remind him in hopes that it is always at the back of his mind.


    I leave him with promises. Promises of being together. Once I get home, I grab the bag I took to see uncle Max, it still has my clothes in it. slowly adding a bunch of other stuff, I head out of my room excitedly.


    Once I get to the small hallway that leads to the door, I see him seated on the chair by the corner. Almost like he was waiting for me.


    ''''Where do you think you are going?'''' his voice is cold and detached. Somehow I sense anger in his tone.


    I made a promise to Lance.


    I have to keep it.

 Chapter 129 - The Ambush

    Ford.


    ''''Dad,'''' I manage, my hands shaking as I hold unto the bag in my hand tighter. His eyes shift to my hand and I know there is no escaping him.


    Slowly, he presses his hand on the hands of the chair and stands up. My eyes look at everywhere in this hallway but him. there is a large picture on the wall above him of a deer and headlights. That is how I feel right now.


    Like a fucking deer caught in headlights.


    ''''Where are you going?'''' he demands in question again.


    I don''t know how to answer that question.


    ''''To Lance''s apartment.'''' I try with that. At least that is a little believable. He knows that we are close.


    ''''I thought I warned you to stay away from him.''''


    Oh shit, I forgot about that conversation. I don''t have an explanation or a way to defend myself. I don''t know what to say now but it is not like he can keep me in the house.


    ''''Why do you have luggage with you?'''' he asks another question. There is this suspicious look in his eyes. he knows something that could potentially put me in trouble.


    I don''t think Marybelle has told him anything. she is still processing everything, and I don''t think this is something she would run off to tell. I am sure she is still in denial herself.


    ''''My clothes are in there,'''' I tell him.


    He raises a brow ''''I am going to ask you a couple of questions and I want you to be completely honest with me.''''


    i nod my head because there is nothing else, I can do or say.


    ''''come on,'''' he walks over to the direction of the living room. I know he expects me to follow him and don''t get me wrong, I can use this opportunity to make a dash for it, but he will not let me leave that easily. I don''t know what he could possibly have to say, and I am scared.


    He walks over to the couch and I follow him, leaving my bag by the large door. I watch him as he sits down on the chair he usually sits on ''''Have a seat, Brad,'''' he tells me.


    With shaking hands, I take a seat opposite him.


    ''''What is your real relationship with Lance?''''


    Shit.


    I didn''t think he would be quick to that. what does he know? My answer depends on what he knows. I had plans to tell him the truth. That was the plan before Lance''s mother found out. now he knows something that I am not sure of.


    ''''We are friends.''''


    That is the only answer I have for him because I am a fucking coward. Now all I want to do is run away with him. I am not brave enough to fight him. I am not strong enough to fight for Lance.


    I watch him stand up from the chair and walk over to me. there is this calmness in his face. It looks like a poker face. like he is not really showing how he feels. Maybe this is for the best, I might not like what I see if he shows his real emotions.


    He stops in front of me and goes on his knees ''''Do you remember what I did to you the last time you lied to me?'''' he asks, reaching for my chin to make me look at him.


    I don''t want to think about the last time. I don''t want to think about anything.


    ''''Do you want a repeat of that time?'''' he asks. His grip on my face is hard. It hurts but I don''t show it. I haven''t shown weakness in front of him since he killed my mother.


    I don''t show him anything.


    ''''Do you want to take a second to think about the right answer to my question and give it to me?'''' he pushes my face with his hand, but I manage not to flinch. I can take him in a fight. I am strong enough but whenever I am with him in these situations, it feels like I am a helpless child. I feel little next to him. No matter how tall I get.


    ''''I will ask you again Brad¡­ What is your relationship with Lance?''''


    It feels like time has frozen at this moment. I feel broken and confused. Terrified that I will end up saying the wrong thing. Whatever I do say will be used against me.


    There is no right answer to his question.


    ''''There is nothing going on between us. I swear.'''' I choose to lie. I don''t know what he has but it must not be tangible enough. He would''ve used it already.


    He gets up from his knee and walks over to the bar by the corner. He pours himself a glass of whiskey and walks back to me with the glass in his hand. Slowly, he takes a sip of the drink and I watch him, unsure of what to do.


    This whole thing is messing with my mind.


    All I can think of is Lance and how sad he is right now. He needs me and if I am not waiting for him at that store in forty-five minutes, he will just hurt more. I don''t want him hurting anymore. I just want him to be happy. Why is that so hard?


    He walks back to me ''''I warned you not to lie. Why would you lie, just after I warned you?''??


    Okay.


    He definitely knows something.


    ''''I am not lying, there¡ª'''' in that instant, I feel the slap unexpectedly as he cuts me off. I grab my face immediately from the shock of the hit. He takes another sip of his drink. He is not drunk. He is doing this in his right state of mind. this is his own form of control.


    He has always been able to control me.


    He drops the glass on the small table next to my chair and faces me again ''''This is the last time I am going to ask you. What is your relationship with my wife''s son?''''


    The tears in my eyes are in the brink of falling but I am not going to give in to him. I have to get the balls to tell him the truth because there is no hiding this again.


    ''''He is my boyfriend,'''' I tell him point blank, managing to keep my face straight. The fear that he wants to bring out of me will not be shown today.


    The blank expression on his face slowly disappears and a frown replaces it. I expect a lot more than a slap now but at the end of the night, I plan on leaving.


    ''''I see your sickness is back,'''' he mutters.


    I furrow my brows.


    ''''You can come in now,'''' he says, his eyes away from me and to the door. I turn to the direction of the door and two men in white overalls come in through the doors.


    I stand up from the chair immediately ''''What are you doing?'''' I shout to him. this is not the first time this has happened. I don''t even know what I can do in this situation.


    He is sending me away.


    As he did the last time.


    I can''t go away again.


    Lance is waiting for me.


    I walk to a corner in the room, my hands outstretched to block them from coming close to me ''''don''t do this dad. Please don''t send me away.'''' I didn''t expect him to react so harshly.


    This is fucked up.


    How can he do this to me?


    ''''it is for your own good. You have been doing things that will just end up compromising your health. I love you too much to watch you spiral this far.''''


    He loves me.


    Ha.


    ''''Please dad, please,'''' I beg because that is all I can do. I can only beg him but from the look in his eyes, there will be no mercy.


    ''''Take him in,'''' he tells them. They both walk towards me. I will fight them all if I have to. There is no way I will let him win again. I need to go to Lance. I need to leave this man and all his overbearing control.


    ''''Don''t come any closer,'''' I put my hands in fists in front of them. They are used to this. They deal with sick people all the time. Apparently, I am sick. Just because I want the freedom to love, I have become a mental patient.


    One of the men stops in front of me with a faint smile ''''Calm down Brad. No one is going to hurt you,'''' he tries to assure me but I don''t believe him. they are all hurting me by forcing me to go with them.


    I don''t blame them, this is their job.


    ''''There is nothing wrong with me. leave me the fuck alone,'''' I shout at the same time, the other guy pounces on me, grabbing my arm as I fall the floor. I try to budge off him but his partner holds me.


    ''''Please don''t do this,'''' I beg as I feel the syringe pierce into my skin. The last thing I see before I blackout is my father and the evil smile on his face.


    This is just like the last time I told him I knew he killed mom.


    He must always have his way.

 Chapter 130 - He Is Not Coming

    Lance.


    He leaves me with so much promise.


    I am looking forward to our life together.


    I can''t wait to be free with him.


    To be out in the open with the man I love. I have decided to live my life for me. mom can''t tell me who to love. As long as there is nothing wrong with what I am doing, I will continue to love him. the door to the roof opens and Patrick walks in. he looks up from his phone and a smile spreads to his face.


    ''''Hey,'''' he greets me happily. ''''Didn''t think I would bump into you here, it has been a while.'''' He mutters with that smile still on his face. I am glad he didn''t end up alone. Jack will be good for him.


    I look at his hand and there is a roll of weed in his grip. The first time we met, we smoked weed and got high. This is bringing a lot of memories to me.


    He stops walking in front of the edge of the railing next to me. he rests on the railing and turns to me ''???You don''t look too good,'''' he points out.


    I take a deep breath because I have about an hour to pack my things. Ford promised to come back in an hour. An hour and we will be free. I don''t know where we are going to go, I don''t know the plan, but I want to be with him and as long as we are together, I think we will be okay.


    ''''I am leaving,'''' I tell him because there has always something about Patrick that makes me honest. It is easy to talk to him, it always has been. I feel like I can tell him anything when I am around him, just like this moment.


    He furrows his brows in confusion. I am as confused as him but all I know is, this is the only solution to our happiness. When Ford told me that he was going to kill himself, I knew his situation was worse than I thought. I don''t want anything to happen to him and if his father succeeds in keeping us apart, I am afraid he will try again.


    I will never survive losing him.


    ''''My mom found out about us and pretty soon, his dad will too.''''


    With that explanation, he nods in understanding. Saying things that way makes it clearer. I remember Patrick told me he ran away from home. I don''t know why he ran away but I know whatever sent him running must have been serious. No one will just leave their whole life behind for something trivial. Thinking about it, being without mom and Jack is scary. I don''t know how it will feel but as long as I have Ford, I will be okay.


    ''''Is that the only option, how did your mother take it?''''


    ''''Not too well, it just made me realise that no one will accept this. it is disgusting to them all.''''


    ''''Do you have to skip town, maybe you can just move out?''''


    I shake my head ''''I am still underage, and Ford''s Father has too much control on him. as long as we are close by, they will find a way to keep us apart.''''


    ''''You are almost eighteen.''''


    I nod.


    '''' So, in a couple of months you will be free,'''' he points out, which gets another nod from me.


    He lights up his roll and stretches it out to me, I shake my head because I need to be In my right state of mind today. ''''Is jack in your apartment?'''' I ask as I watch him take a whiff of the blunt.


    ''''Yeah, he fell asleep as soon as we got home. He has been sleeping all night.''''


    ''''Can I see him before I go?''''


    He nods ''''He is not going to take this well,'''' he informs me, even though I already know. Jack is my best friend; he is like a brother to me. this will tear him apart, but I am very sure he will understand, and it is not like I plan on shutting him out.


    He nods and takes another whiff of the smoke, ''''Do you want to just go to my place? The front door is open, so you can just go in.'''' he tells me, so I leave him to his smoke and go down the stairs till I get to his house. once inside, I walk into the room and Jack is snoring soundly. His face is the only visible part of his body as he is under the covers. All the bruises are still evident on his face. the scar his father left on him. there will be more scars and I won''t be there to help him. this makes me feel like crap.


    I don''t want to leave him, but I also don''t want to lose Ford. Jack is not alone anymore and I know Patrick will not let him get hurt. He is just the kind of person that will take care of the person that he loves, so I don''t have to worry about anything anymore.


    ''''Are you actually staring at me while I sleep?''''


    I snap out of the zone I was in and he is smiling at me now with his eyes wide open. He sits up on the bed while I walk closer to him ''''I wasn''t staring loser,'''' I interject, and this gets a chuckle out of him.


    ''''I caught you,'''' he rolls his eyes as I sit down on the edge of the bed next to him. He looks at me and I can already tell that he senses something is wrong ''''What happened?'''' he asks immediately.


    I manage a shrug ''''Nothing, I need to talk to you about something,'''' it ell him because this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.


    ''''Ford is back, why are you here instead of with him. spill it out dude before I start to think the worst.''''


    This is not actually the worst thing that could happen. It is not like we are running away from home and have nowhere to go. Ford is rich, he will be able to take care of us. so at least we don''t have to be homeless and I also have some money saved up. All the extortion money that my mother used against me. the money that I kept for rainy days but anyways, now she doesn''t need to hustle for money. She married someone rich.


    ''''What are you thinking about?'''' he asks me, wanting to get the truth out of me.


    ''''We are leaving tonight,'''' I blurt it out because the best way to do this is to rip the bandaid off. That way, it won''t hurt as much.


    ''''Leaving¡­.??''


    I nod.


    ''''Why?'''' he asks with that fear in his eyes.


    I feel shitty already and now I have to explain to him, that I am fighting for my life. Ford is my life and I have to fight for him.


    I tell him everything. I tell him about mom and all the hurtful things she said. I tell him how scared I am that I will end up losing the only person I will ever love. Jack listens and I watch as the tears fall out of his eyes. I never see Jack cry. He is always the shoulder that I cry on, but I know why he is crying. I feel the same way.


    I don''t want to leave him but there is no place for me here anymore. My heart is with Ford and I want him to be happy.


    We need to be happy and it seems like this is the only way.


    ''''Is this final?'''' he asks as he wipes the tears from his face.


    ''''Yes, but this isn''t goodbye.''''


    He nods ''''I know, you know I will follow you to the ends of the world. You are my brother.''''


    This time I nod.


    ''''We have to wait till things cool down, and then we will figure this out. I will let you know where we go once, we settle down.''''


    He smiles, suddenly he is not sad anymore. ''''You know I never thought you''d have the balls to do something like this.''''


    I didn''t think so either, but I have to.


    I leave Jack with promises. I have about Thirty minutes until I meet up with Ford. I go back to my apartment and grab one of my carry on boxes. I don''t have any material items that I cant do without so I grab a couple of clothes and stuff them into the bag. I take the picture of my dad, from the bottom drawer of my drawer and stuff it in the box. Once I am done packing, I walk out of my bedroom and mom is in the living room. I thought she had already left.


    Why is she still here?


    ''''You plan on escaping from your problems?'''' she asks as she sees the box on my grip.


    ''''I am not escaping,'''' I tell her.


    She smiles, I don''t know why she is smiling ''''He is not coming,'''' there is this joy in her eyes. almost like she is happy that we won''t succeed.


    I shake my head in disbelief.


    He promised.


    He is going to show up.


    ''''He had another episode. John said we wouldn''t be seeing Ford for a while.'''' She tells me those words and my heart stops in my chest as I battle with all the fears roaming around my head.


    That''s not true.


    He promised.

 Chapter 131 - The Call

    Lance.


    I wait at the convenience store all night.


    I choose not to believe Mom because he promised me.


    He is going to show up. I trust him with all my heart. he said he will show up. He is going to show up. Fred walks out of the store and looks at me with pity. He has no clue on what is happening, but I see it in his eyes. I look pathetic, sitting on the floor with the luggage next to me.


    ''''It''s getting pretty late, are you waiting for someone?'''' he closes the gates of the store with the chains and I watch as he sits down next to me on the cold ground.


    ''''I''m fine,'''' I assure him.


    I am not fine.


    Mom said Ford had another episode. He was fine when he left me, what the fuck does this even mean?


    He is not as sick as everyone is making him out to be. yeah, he has moods sometimes, but I have never seen them affect him in the kind of way that needs him to be hospitalised. I don''t want to believe her because he promised me but what if they got to him. he kept telling me how controlling his father is and yeah, I believed him but there was this part of me that thought he was exaggerating. The man seemed like the kind person that liked things to go his way but I never thought he would be the kind of person that would lock his son up just because he didn''t want him to be with someone.


    I dial Ford''s number for like the tenth time since I was waiting, and it goes straight to voicemail. He would have answered if he was with his phone.


    ''''Do you want to talk?'''' Fred asks, getting me out of my funk.


    I shake my head because I don''t have anything to say. Fred is not really a friend; he is just an acquaintance of me, and Jack and it is not like he would understand things. Maybe he is just here because I am in front of his store and he wants me to leave.


    ''''No, you don''t have to wait with me,'''' I tell him.


    He smiles ''''You seem really sad, I don''t mind waiting till he gets here,'''' he interjects.


    He is not coming.


    ''''I''m fine, really,'''' I tell him standing up from the pavement. He does the same ''''I''ll just go inside.''''


    He nods and I leave him. I don''t know what to do anymore. I need to go to the house and look for him. I will not let John win this time. We had a plan. We were supposed to run away together and now I don''t even know where he could possibly be.


    I go back to Patrick''s apartment and confusion sprawls on Jack''s face when he sees me ''''He didn''t show up. They did something to him, and I don''t know what to do,'''' all the frustration and pent-up anger comes out in the form of tears. He holds me but I am pretty sure he doesn''t know what to do either. This is just one big messed up situation.


    ''''Shit, man. Have you been able to reach him?''''


    That is the dumbest question he could possibly ask. I just explained to him that something happened. Hence my reaction meaning I can''t reach him, so why would he ask me that?''''


    ''''Can I borrow your car?'''' I ask him, ignoring his dumb question. I need to go to the house myself. Ask John myself and then know from then how and what I plan to do for the next step, I will figure it out along the way.


    ''''Sure man, he grabs the keys from the table, and I catch them mid-air ''''Do you want me to come with?'''' he asks.


    I look at him again, the reminder of all that his father has done to him on his face. jack shouldn''t be involved in this right now; I just need him to focus on healing. There is no way I will let John win. I am going to get Ford back if it is the last thing I do on earth.


    ''''Nah, I will handle this on my own,'''' I tell him, subtly wiping the tears out of my eyes. this is not the time to cry. I need to be strong. Ford is the one going through everything. I have to help him get out of this mess.


    I drive to the house as fast as I can. It usually takes about forty thirty minutes to get to his house, but I do it in less than fifteen. I know I shouldn''t be speeding but all I can think about is Ford. What he is going through. If I had any doubt about his father¡ªif there was a part of me that thought he could still have any good left in him; I am sure now. That shred of doubt is gone.


    I walk into the front door and I start to imagine how they took him. I know he was coming to me. he said he would and I trust Ford more than I trust anyone in this world. He wouldn''t leave me hanging after a promise. Our promises are sacred. He must have been so scared, they must have forced him. a tear falls from my face.


    This hurts a lot more now that I am here. I go into his room and I see a suitcase in front of the door. The room is empty.


    ''''Why are you here?'''' I turn around and John is in front of the door.


    ''''Where is Ford?'''' I ask not interested in pleasantries.


    This man is a monster and now that I look at him. I see it. The expression on his face is blank but it almost feels like he is laughing at me. I must look pathetic to him. His son must be pathetic to him.


    ''''I told you my son is sick,'''' he tells me like that is the answer to the question.


    ''''I don''t give a fuck, where is Ford,'''' I shout getting even more pissed.


    He walks further into the room and I take a step back, not wanting to be close to him ''''You love him,'''' he points out. stopping in front of me.


    The jig is up. He knows, hence why Ford is not here anymore. This is just him trying to be controlling.


    ''''Yes, I do. what have you done to him?''''


    He smiles ''''I am the only one that understands Brad and his illness. I told you all about it. I tried to make you understand but you only helped in fueling his disorder. You have done nothing but make the situation worse.''''


    Oh, so now he is blaming this all on me. now it is my fault?


    ''''Loving me doesn''t have anything to do with his disorder. Just because he is sick doesn''t mean he doesn''t have the right to love.'''' I yell so loud; it even terrifies me. John seems to be unfazed by it all, like he doesn''t even fucking care.


    ''''This is not about loving you. This is about the things he is doing.''''


    ''''What did he do, what has he done that is so wrong?''''


    ''''I don''t have to explain anything to you, Lance. I care about your mother and I care about you, but you violated my sick son knowing full well that he isn''t in his right senses. I don''t know what else to tell you to make you understand.''''


    ''''Please let me see him.''''


    He shakes his head ''''Not right now, maybe when he gets better again.'''' He brushes my request off like it means nothing.


    ''''You won''t get away with this. I promise I will find a way to get him out of this.''??


    He turns to the direction of the door and starts to walk away from the room. I watch him as he stops in front of the door, slowly turning around to face me ''''I have already won,'''' he tells me with the evillest smile I have ever seen on a person. With that confession, he leaves the room and shuts the door behind him.


    I let out a heavy breath of frustration because this is all just too much, and I don''t know what to do. sitting on the bed, I let out all the tears. The ones I have been trying to control. in the privacy of Ford''s bedroom, I cry my eyes out, taking glances at his picture on the bedside table. I hear a vibrating sound from the table, and this gets me out of my tears. It sounds like a phone is ringing. I open the small drawer of the table and sure enough, there is a phone there. This is not Ford''s phone, okay, maybe it is. I know he has more than one phone but he never uses two at the same time.


    I grab the phone and the number doesn''t have a saved name.


    Whoever it is might help me find him.


    ''''Hello,''''


    ''''Brad..'''' The voice calls.

 Chapter 132 - The Diary

    Lance.


    ''''This is not Brad,'''' I answer immediately, my heart racing with hopes that whoever just called can be of help to me. I know Ford said he went to see an uncle, someone that could help us but he didn''t give me the details, so I don''t know who the person is.


    ''''Is he okay, where is he?'''' the man on the other end of the line bombards me with questions.


    ''''Please who am I talking to?'''' I ask because I need to know.


    ''''His granduncle Max, I want to ask¡­Am I speaking with Lance?'''' the man''s deep voice travels into my ears. Okay, he knows who I am. He could be the one that can help us. I don''t want to be too optimistic because this might be a shot in the glass but at least this is something.


    ''''Yes.''''


    I sit back on the bed and press the phone into my ear, it stings but I want to hear him as clearly as possible ''''Where is Brad. He was supposed to call me when he got back.??''


    Okay, this is another hint. He was with the man, he said he went to see someone that could help. This has to be the same person¡­ right?


    ''''I don''t know where he is. His father has him locked up somewhere.''''


    I hear silence on the other end of the line and then the breathing continues ''''When did this happen?'''' he asks.


    ''''Today, he was supposed to meet up with me but he never showed up. I came over the house to look for him but his dad said he had a mental breakdown. I know he is lying but I don''t have any proof and I don''t know where he is.'''' I cry because all the emotions that I try to keep steady just keep pouring out whenever I am talking about it.


    ''''Are you one hundred percent sure about what you are saying?'''' the man breathes into the phone. I nod completely forgetting that he can''t see me.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I get myself on track.


    ''''Okay, keep this phone with you. I will call you back.'''' The call ends without even waiting for a response. I get up from the bed, putting the phone in my pocket but not before checking the battery to make sure it is fully charged. It is at 20%. Opening the drawer, I check for the charger. If I don''t find the charger, and he tries to call back, I don''t know what I would do. The drawer is empty, so I start to rummage through his things in search of it. I barely spent any time in time in his room. We spent most of our time together in the apartment. He hates this house, he hates his father. It makes me wonder what kind of childhood he had. It makes me sad because I wish I knew him before. I wish I made his oh so lonely life not so lonely. I would have been his friend. He wouldn''t have had to go through all this on his own. He told me one night that Lisa was a friend. That they used to be so close. I don''t know how someone that was once a confidant could end up being the person that betrays you.


    I feel like she has something to do with John and my mom finding out.


    Deep down, I know it can''t be a coincidence that she just happened to show up out of the blue. I won''t even go there because there is no point dwelling on what has happened. I just want to find him. Right now, that is all that matters to me. I walk to the other side of the room and there is a large bookshelf with books. I haven''t ever really noticed this because most times when I am here, my only focus is him. I didn''t even know he read books. There is a row of books on one of the shelves that a full of children''s books. This seems like something from his childhood.


    Why will he keep books?


    A book shines out to me in the collection. It is the dullest in the pile, I don''t know what makes me grab it but the minute I see the engraving on the book, my curiosity peaks. The words Brad''s Diary is written in bold and the word diary is struck and replaced with Journal. I know this is an invasion of his privacy and maybe he doesn''t want me to see this but I am so fucking curious. I don''t know he would feel if he finds out that I read this but right now, I just need to know.


    I open the book and the first page is a drawing of a boy and a woman. It looks like a kid drew this. That means, he wrote this when he was still a kid. I walk back to the bed and sit down on the floor next to it, completely hidden from anyone that comes into the room. It feels like I am doing something wrong and I have always wanted to know all his demons. He hasn''t been one hundred percent open with me. Not like I have any problem with the pace he is going but whatever this book entails could show me more of him.


    I turn the page slowly, as my heart races in my chest. This is a big deal, I have never been able to get into his head. I want to, that closeness that comes with his thoughts. It is all now a possibility.


    The second page is where the words really begin. The handwriting is slobby and very childlike. There is a date on the top of the page.


    Dear diary (Journal)


    Mom and dad are fighting again. This time, they aren''t hiding it from me. Usually, when they argue, they try to keep it from me but now it is out in the open.


    I wish they would stop fighting. Lisa said I should write down my thoughts. She thinks it will help me feel better. Right now, it doesn''t. I am scared that they will get a divorce and I will have to live with dad. He is not the nicest person. When they fight, mom cries. I hate it when she cries.


    I asked her why they are always fighting and she told me that it is normal when you have been married to someone for so long. I don''t think she is right. Maybe they don''t like each other anymore. Maybe they don''t like me anymore.


    I know I am different. Dad says being different is not a good thing. He hates that the only friend I have is Lisa. I need more guy friends, I need to find a sport. I don''t like sports and I doubt I ever will.


    Maybe one day.


    I close the book, unsure if I should continue. I searched around for a charger and right now, that is my priority. I don''t like the way the journal is starting. This seems like the vulnerable parts of him. I don''t think he really wants me to read it. Standing up from the carpeted floors, I walk back to the shelf, in search of the charger. Rummaging through, I don''t find it.


    ''''Shit,'''' I run my hands through my hair from the frustration of everything. My eyes shift to the end of the room on the other side, I see the box on the floor. Maybe it could be in there. I don''t know. Slowly walking to it, I open it up and sure enough there are a couple of phones and chargers inside. I pick up the smashed phone, remembering the day he smashed it on the wall. I only have one phone, I mean it is the only thing I can afford but Ford has numerous in here. The brand of the phone in my pocket is unknown to me, this is not one of the popular ones. I try to fit them all in until the right one fits into the port.


    ''''Fuck yeah,'''' I exclaim when I find it.


    I grab the journal from the bed and walk out of the room, going into mine. My phone rings and Mom''s face blares on the screen. What the fuck does she want?


    I decline the call but the minute I do, it rings again.


    ''''What,'''' I shout into the phone.


    She releases a loud sigh before responding ''''Come home right now, John said you came over. Why would you accuse him of all the things you did?''''


    As usual, she is taking his side.


    ''''What did I accuse him of?''''


    I want her to tell me. She seems to trust the man she just married over her son of 17 YEARS. So I guess there is nothing more I can say to convince her.


    ''''He is only trying to protect his son,''''


    I roll my eyes ''''He is only trying to protect himself. Why won''t he let us see him¡­ or at least know which hospital? Why is it such a secret?''''


    She pauses.


    See, she doesn''t even know what to say.


    ''''Just come home right now, let''s talk,'''' she pleads.


    ''''I hate you so much, you have no idea.''''


    I end the call because the more I stay on the line, the more hurtful things I will say to her. I never thought mom would disappoint me as much as she has right now.. don''t know if I can ever forgive her.

 Chapter 133 - Reading You Darkest Thoughts

    Lance.


    The moment I walk into the apartment, mom is waiting for me with a frown on her face. I have never been irritated by her presence before, but now I would rather be anywhere but here in this house with her. ''''I am not talking to you,'''' I tell her, trying to avoid her eyes. She needs to understand that I am hurt right now. She had a hand in taking the one person that made me happy away from me.


    It won''t be easy to forgive her for all she has done. Mom used to be one of the people I trusted but now I can never trust her again. She betrayed me completely.


    ''''Lance,'''' she grabs my arm and pulls me, to stop me from going to my room. ''''Let''s talk. I don''t like what is happening. You are making me out to be the bad guy.''''


    You are the bad guy.


    ''''Are you going to let me go?'''' I ask her, I am not going to say anything to her again. There is no point in talking to her. I just need to focus on finding Ford. I keep thinking about him and all the things he could be going through. The pain he is in right now, what if he is being drugged? What if he doesn''t even know where he is and is scared?


    That is all I can think of.


    So my mother is the least of her problems and her thinking she is somehow the centre of attention is ludicrous. ''''Let''s talk. We always settled things by being honest. So I want us to have a discussion with you. Give me a couple of minutes¡­ please.''''


    I roll my eyes but know that I can''t get away with this. I should just listen to the crap she wants to say and then go to my room. I am expecting a call from his uncle, I don''t know what will come from it but the hopes I have is a lot, compared to before his call. She sees the defeated expression on my face and smiles excitedly. Usually, when we have issues, settling doesn''t take more than a couple of hours and to her, she thinks that is going to happen this time.


    ''??Let''s have a seat,'''' she drags me to the couch and I sit down next to her. ''''I am sorry for the way I handled the whole thing. I didn''t handle it well.''''


    I watch her, unsure of what she expects me to say. I have nothing to say and she should know this by now. As long as she can''t bring Ford back to me, I will never forgive her.


    ''''Should we play the talking stick game. Maybe then you will speak to me,'''' she cries. I wish I could feel some kind of pity for her because through it all, I actually feel like she wants to make things right but I can''t right now. The talking stick game is what we used to do when I was a kid. It helped us settle our issues. Somehow, it always worked but now, her words make me think she has officially gone crazy.


    ''''I am not playing a fucking game with you.''''


    She can tell that I am getting riled up again ''''Calm down Lance, why are you flaring up so easily. I don''t even understand.'''' She cries like she is the victim in this.


    The moment she took John''s side, she became my enemy. She became someone that is against my love with Ford and I will not look at her and think that she is on my side and coming around. There is no way in hell.


    ''''You don''t realize what you did.''''


    ''''I did nothing but speak to my husband about something I was uncomfortable with. Brad having a breakdown doesn''t have anything to do with that.''''


    Her husband.


    Ha.


    ''''Why do need to explain things if you did nothing wrong?''''


    She sighs ''''Please don''t take this out on me Lance. I know this is your first love, I get that he brought you out of your sexuality but you have to know that it could never work.''''


    ''''Because he is my step brother?''''


    She nods ''''How do you expect it to work. Just think about it on your own. Do you think your love will even last? You are just kids. Young love never lasts.''''


    ''''Is that the reason why it wouldn''t work?''''


    I know I said I wasn''t going to say anything but this is even pissing me off more. She is using the most stupid excuse as to why our relationship can''t work. It is not even fair.


    ''''Lance, Brad is my husband''s kid. Does it seem fair that you guys are putting us in this awkward situation? John explained to me that this is not the first time he has done something so outrageous. He is using you to create drama and you are giving in.''''


    I stand up from the couch because I can''t handle this right now. What she is doing is trying to defame my boyfriend. I have never for once seen him as crazy. I have never once thought his illness affected anything in our relationship, so I will not sit here and listen to her bash on him.


    Never.


    ''''You can have the apartment for yourself. Just know that today is the day you chose John over me, hence me choosing Ford over you.''''


    I walk out of the house, completely ignoring the tears welling in her eyes. This is for the best, why else would she choose me. At the end of the day, I am doing the same thing. Choosing the man I love over my mother.


    I walk up the stairs until I get to Patrick''s house. I need to return Jack''s key and it is not like I have anywhere to go in the first place. I just need some time from her and this is the only place I can think to go. My best friend is here and I need him right now. He opens the door and from my expression, he can tell that things didn''t go too well.


    ''''Come in,'' he opens the door as I rest in his arms, holding him as tight as I can.


    ****************************


    After a lot of crying and comforting, they put me in the spare bedroom. Once I bed, I clutch the phone tightly hoping that his uncle would call again.


    Slowly fixing it in the port next to me, I lie down on my side still holding unto his journal. I only read the first page, and it is still taunting me. he was just 10 and he felt the need to jot down his feelings. I open the book because I have already started and this is the only way I can feel close to him right now with all that is happening.


    The second page seems longer than the first. It has a lot of words in it.


    Dear diary (Journal)


    Another day of their shouting. My headphones are not even loud enough. I wish they would just send me somewhere far away from them and all the fighting.


    I saw the bruise on her face that she tried to hide from me. Now I know that dad is hurting her. I wish she could just take me away and leave him all alone. There is nothing I can do but write in you. Lisa says all families fight. Her mom and dad apparently have their own issues but not like mine. She doesn''t know the things I see.


    Mom is always tired after her fights with dad. She is tired every day. Most days I find her sleeping. She stopped going to work. She is always under the covers when I go to look for her.


    Lisa says I am being paranoid. That there is nothing wrong. But deep down I feel like there is. So, I have been spying on them a lot after every fight. Yesterday, I went down to the kitchen and I saw him there, after their fight. This was his usual routine, say hurtful things to her and then come downstairs to have a drink. I hid behind the counter, not sure why he always came down after their fights. She always ended up asleep all through the next day and then their cycle would continue.


    He caught me hiding and sent me back to bed. I didn''t ask him anything because talking to dad is not easy. He once said to me that he wished I was like every other normal kid.


    What makes me not normal?


    I close the book, my heart racing from the words. So John and Ford''s mother had issues before she died. I can understand how fighting all the time can affect a kid but why does it feel like there is more to this. Somehow, I want to continue. I want to know more about everything that happened.


    Slowly opening the book again, the phone rings loudly and this makes me jump up from the bed.


    I grab it because this is what I have been waiting for.


    The call.

 Chapter 134 - Elliot Confides.

    Lance


    "Hello,'''' I answer the phone immediately, waiting for the elderly voice on the other end of the line. The voice this times is different. Sounds like a younger person. ''''Lance?'''' the man calls out.


    It seems like everyone knows who I am already.


    ''''Yeah, who is this?'''' I question because the day is already over and I need something. Anything that will lead me to him.


    ''''Elliot, Brad''s cousin. Can we meet up tonight?'''' he breathes into the phone. My heart races against my chest because I didn''t even know he had a cousin. I don''t know anything about Ford. I don''t think this Elliot person came to the wedding. What is John''s relationship with this side of the family?


    ''''I have been waiting for Mr Maxim''s call,'''' I tell him, wanting to know if they have found him or they have any other information. ''''My grandfather told me to come over. I just took a six hours flight. Give me an address and I will be there.'''' He tells me calmly. There is no angst or impatience in his voice. I can sense a hint of concern in his voice. Makes me feel like I can trust him. Maybe this is just my mind looking for someone to trust. It feels like I am alone in this search for him. I still can''t grasp all that is happening. How this even occurred in the first place?


    I tell him the apartment address to Patrick''s place because we need to figure out all that we can fast. I don''t know what he could possibly have for me but I am going to be optimistic. Reading Ford''s diary just shows me that he has gone through so much in his life and he is a fighter, which just means that he will be just fine. I know he is strong, I have been dating him for a while now and through all our time together, I have seen the things he has done and gone through.


    "He will be fine,'''' I say those words to myself as I walk out of the room. It was really thoughtful of Patrick, giving me a room to myself. Somehow it makes me feel welcome and I appreciate it. Once I am out of the room, four eyes peer at me from the couch in the living room. I thought they would be asleep. Why are they awake?


    ''''Thought you were going to bed?'''' Jack asks me worriedly.


    I know he is worried and the fact that he can''t do anything to help me must be taking a toll on him. Just being here with me is more help than he can imagine. ''''Someone is coming over,'''' I look at Patrick because at the end of the day, this is his house ''''Do you mind?''''


    He shakes his head immediately, waving his hands in the air. ''''Whatever you need, just ask, we are here for you.''''


    He is being a really good friend. I don''t even have any doubt in my mind that he could be doing this for Jack. Patrick was my friend before he started dating Jack. He has always been there for me. Since the beginning of me and Ford. I join them by the couch and Jack leans closer to me.


    ''''Who''s coming over?''''


    I shrug ''''I think Ford''s cousin. I have never met him before.''''


    The fact that he sent someone over is progress, once Elliot gets here, we will figure out what to do next. I just need someone to challenge John. He is holding his son hostage when there is nothing wrong with him. If he is so sure that he is unstable right now, why won''t he let us see him?


    After a couple of minutes of staring at the blaring screen of the tv, there is a knock on the door, which gets me to my feet immediately. I already know who it is, so I run over to the door eagerly. The person on the other side of the door smiles brightly when he sees me. His green eyes shine as his smile widens.


    ''''Wow Bradford likes pretty boys,'''' he mutters as he walks into the house and grabs me for a hug. I stiffen against his touch because that was totally unexpected. ''''Nice to meet you, Lance¡­'''' he pulls away from me and raises a brow ''''you are Lance, right? Because this would become awkward fast if I just assumed wrongly.'''' He winks and I can''t help but return the smile back to him.


    Elliot seems to be older than us. He looks to be in his early twenties. ''''Nice to meet you too,'''' I reply as we take further steps into the house.


    He looks at the living room area and smiles at my friends ''''Hey,'' he waves walking over until he is seated ''''So what the fuck is going on?'''' he asks.


    ''''Didn''t Mr Maxim fill you in?''''


    I need to know that there is a plan, some kind of way to get ford out of this mess. ''''He did, but he sent me over to try to be a buffer, I am supposed to go to the house but I wanted to come here first. We all know that John is a psychopath but no one ever thought he would do this to the kid.''''


    ''''So what''s the plan, can''t your grandfather get him out of this mess?''''


    He nods ''''Grandfather Max and Uncle John don''t have a good relationship. He wants me to try and see if I can get the opportunity of seeing him first before he decides to show up. So I just came to give you the deets before I go to their house.''''


    I look at the clock on the wall in the living room ''''Do you think it''s too late?"


    He nods ''''Of course it is, I booked a room at the Ritz, I just wanted to come to see the pretty boy Ford couldn''t stop gushing on about'''' he smiles ''''Now I see why he was ready to come out.''''


    He is saying Ford came out because of me. I don''t think that is true. He came out because he was ready. That''s how it works, you only come out when you''re ready and maybe our relationship was the push we needed.


    ''''So is Ford going to be okay?'''' Jack speaks up for the first time tonight.


    Elliot smiles but shrugs ''''you know, this is not the first time his father has tried to bring him down. He is almost eighteen and richer than the man himself, thanks to his grandfather, so don''t worry about anything.'''' He assures them and I take a note from it. I have this mental assurance in my head, that he will be okay.


    ''''So, I will see you guys tomorrow. Hopefully, I get to see him and then I can give you the feedback.'''' He stands up from the couch and walks over to the direction of the door. I follow him to the door and he opens it before I get the chance to do it for him. ''''Walk me to my car?'''' he asks me. I can sense he wants to tell me something that he didn''t want my friends to hear. I doubt I will keep anything from Jack. I tell him everything¡ªI mean that literally.


    We walk down the stairs ''''I need to tell you something, it might be crazy and totally unrelated to what is going on but I have kept it for so long and I need to tell someone.''''


    I look at him and he has a serious expression on his face. I don''t know what he is talking about but I am already worried. Whatever it is must be bad, for him to look this nervous. We get to the parking lot and a man runs out of a black Lexus and opens the door for him.


    Elliot grabs the door but doesn''t enter, he gestures for the driver to wait in the car and then places his other hand on my shoulder ''''When we were younger, Bradford, had this thing in his head, where he thought his father was the one that killed his mom. He kept telling me but would also beg me not to mention it to my dad, so I have kept from everyone all these years.''''


    I remember his diary and all the things he said about his father. I haven''t finished the book but I know there might be something along the lines.


    I frown ''''Why are you mentioning it now?''''


    He shrugs ''''I don''t know. What if he was right all along? What if his father did kill his mom?''''


    I don''t know how I feel about that. My mom is married to the man, what if he does something to her too? I mean, she is so blind that she can''t even see that he is not as innocent as she thinks and I don''t know what else to say to convince her that the man is not a saint.


    ''''We have to get him out of there.''''


    He nods ''''Yeah, I''ll try to talk to his dad tomorrow. Give me your number, so I can reach you through your phone.'''' He stretches out his iPhone and I put my number in.


    Once Elliot leaves a lot of thoughts run through my mind. Too many worries completely taking over.. if anything happens to Ford, I will never forgive myself.

 Chapter 135 - Blind Trust And Revelations.

    Marybell


    I have had fights with Lance before. My kid is quite problematic but this is the first time we have gone a whole day still in our funk stage. I have tried to talk to him. Tried to understand why he is behaving like this but I don''t know what to do anymore. I don''t know what to say to make things better.


    John hasn''t done anything wrong. I know he is a good father, I have seen him with Brad. There is no sort of abuse going on here, he is not the type of person to abuse his kid. Lance is trying to make me hate my husband. The man I fell in love with, the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.


    I don''t know what to do.


    I am at the apartment because I thought I could try and talk to him. Let him see the reasoning in everything. I understand that this is his first crush. My son has never been the emotional type. He finally found someone that he connects with and now he thinks its love. I am not even talking about the fact that he had to choose someone in the family to have this relationship with. It is everything about this situation in general.


    I run my hands through my hair, just as my phone rings on the counter table. Reaching for it, I answer it ''''Hello,''''


    John''s voice travels through my ears and the goosebumps I feel just from hearing his voice crawls on my skin ''''He is still not talking to you?'''' he asks worriedly.


    He took everything so well. When I told him about Ford and Lance. Seeing the reaction from Lance after confronting him, I couldn''t keep it to myself. There was no point since I couldn''t handle it on my own. He made it seem like I was just out to get him. he didn''t even want to see the wrong in what he has been doing.


    It seems just ridiculous to me.


    ''''I don''t know where he is, he left the apartment. I am thinking he is with Jack.''''


    ''''Do you want to give him some space to cool off? You can come back home and snuggle for warmth.''''


    It sounds so tempting and lord knows I need a little bit of comfort after today. Thinking about it, Lance is willing to leave me for Brad. I have always stayed by his side. I have been a good mother to him, always giving him everything he wants and he packed a bag and wanted to run away.


    It still hurts thinking about it.


    ''''Do you think it''s a good idea coming back?''''


    ''''He''s not there, when I saw him at the house, he looked very angry. I don''t know if I feel comfortable with you being there alone.''''


    I don''t know what he is implying but I am not worried that my son would do something to hurt me. Lance is the sweetest person I know and just because he is going through something, doesn''t mean he is dangerous.


    ''''I miss you.'''' He adds and that is what brings a smile to my face. I and John are still in our honeymoon phase. Everything seems perfect between us. Like there is nothing that could ruin that right now.


    ''''I miss you too,'''' I breathe into the phone, resting on the couch.


    ''''George is on his way to pick you up. You can''t refuse me.''''


    I smile into the phone because that is one of the things that made me fall for him. When he asked me to marry him. I refused. As usual, I was only thinking about Lance. I didn''t want to have to let him go through the whole, moving out and living with someone he didn''t know. I wanted to wait till he was eighteen but John insisted and pleaded and I couldn''t refuse him. I always find it hard to refuse him.


    ''''You are so stubborn.''''


    He laughs ''''But you love me like that. George is already outside the apartment,'''' he informs me, which makes me think that he only called me to let me know that. See what I mean when I say, he is persistent. He doesn''t like to take no for an answer. I don''t think it is such a bad thing, his zeal is what has made him this way.


    I nod because he is right. I do love him, more than I have ever loved anyone.


    I end the call and grab my purse from the table, locking up the house. I don''t know if he has his key with him and I know if I try to call him, he wouldn''t answer. Dialing Jack, he answers on the first ring ''''Mrs M.'''' he mutters into the phone.


    Jack is like a son to me but I know his loyalty will forever lie with my son. It is not like I want him to be on my side but I wish this didn''t have to go the way it is going. "Is he with you?''''


    ''''Yeah, I don''t think he wants to see you right now.''''


    I knew that would be the case. Lance likes to keep to himself when he is upset and he is upset with me. I don''t want to aggravate him. I will give him his space and maybe he will come around eventually.


    ''''I just want to make sure he isn''t locked out of the apartment, his key is in the house.''''


    ''''I have my spare. So I can give it to him,'''' he informs me. Suddenly I don''t feel as worried as I was. Lance will be okay. I will come back tomorrow and try to talk to him again. Whatever he thinks he has with Brad will not work and I need to help him see things clearly. Their relationship was doomed from the start.


    The drive to the placer that I call home is faster than usual. Maybe because it is already late and there is no traffic. I am dreading it all because I feel so ashamed. I came into his house and somehow with it all, I brought problems. I fully accept my son for who he is and John does too but everything that is happening is making me embarrassed and sad at the same time.


    John is outside the house and he smiles when he sees me. His smile makes me the happiest person on earth. I never knew I could feel a love like this. Seeing him somehow wipes away all my worries. There is no doubt in my mind that he feels the same way.


    ''''Hey,'''' he stretches his arms out for me and my feet carry me to him until my head is resting on his shoulders gently. ''''You don''t have to worry about anything. I will take care of it all.'''' He assures me. This is his way of telling me that this won''t affect our relationship.


    My son''s relationship with his son should. On any normal situation but I can''t lose him when I just got him, it is totally unfair.


    We go into the house and he leads me to the dining room. There is food on the table. He made dinner, knowing full well that I haven''t eaten anything ''''you didn''t have to,'''' I smile at him as he squeezes my hand gently.


    ''''You''re my baby, who else will I do this for?'''' he winks and my heart melts in my chest. We sit next to each other and he plates my food for me. This is something he started on our honeymoon. He would always make sure my plate was full before he even starts eating. It just shows me how much he cares about me.


    After a while of eating, I decide to ask him the question that has been on my mind all day ''''Where is Brad, Is it possible for Lance to see him?''''


    Thinking about it, Lance seems to think there is nothing wrong with him. How would a father lock their kid up if there is nothing wrong?


    ''''don''t you think it is too soon. Considering the kind of relationship they have?''''


    I nod, he might be right ''''How about I pay him a visit. I am worried about him,'''' I watch him because I want to see his reaction. There is no doubt in my mind that he has been honest with me, but I just want to cross off all of Lance''s assumptions. I hate that he sees my husband in that light and I wish he would change his views.


    ''''Why are we talking about him right now,'''' his eyes are on the plate in front of me. It seems like he is avoiding my eyes.


    Something feels weird in this moment ''''I consider him a son. I am worried about him, can''t you just tell me where he is?''''


    He frowns and his attention sweeps to me ''''Can we drop this Mary. I don''t want to talk about this anymore.'''' He glares at me angrily.


    There is definitely something off with his reaction.


    Makes me think Lance might be right.

 Chapter 136 - Elliot Saves The Day

    Lance.


    Dear diary (Journal)


    Another entry.


    I hate dad.


    I hate him so much that it hurts. I saw him slip the medicine into her drink yesterday. Now I know why she is always sleeping. He has been drugging her.


    Maybe he hates when they fight? Maybe he is tired. I don''t know, I have tried to understand why he is doing this but nothing makes any sense. I miss mom, I have no one to talk to about this, Lisa doesn''t believe me and now I am starting to think she suggested this diary because she is tired of hearing me complain about it all.


    Summer starts in a week. Dad is never around on summer holidays. I love it because I get to spend time with mom. When he is not around, she is different. She is happier.


    I like her when she is happy. We seem like a normal family when she is happy.


    Mom and I are going to Uncle Max''s house for the holidays. I am so excited because I will get to see Elliot. Eliot is my best cousin. We go the arcade together and we have all the types of sugar-coated candy in the mall. It would be nice to be away from the house for a while.


    I can''t wait.


    I close the book.


    This was the lightest page. I guess he was really excited to go to his grand uncle''s house. I look out the window and the sun is out. I can''t believe I didn''t even sleep a wink last night. The more time that passes, the more scared I get. As each day, I get more worried. I miss him and it has just been a day, what if a week passes by, and a month? How will I survive?


    I hear a knock on the door and that is the only thing that makes me drop the book back under the pillow. Jack peers into the room with a faint smile. He looks very worried. I don''t want him to be worried. That will just make me worry about him.


    "Can I come in?"


    I nod as he walks into the room and closes the door. "You good? Trick has food in the fridge. I can heat something up for you.'''' I look at him and he is dressed. He plans on going to school. I have totally forgotten about school. How will things ever get back to normal?


    ''''I''m fine.''''


    I don''t even have an appetite right now, all I can think of is Ford and finding him. I don''t know how long I will have to be without him but I miss him so much. It hurts so long being without him to no end. It is literally driving me insane. "Do you plan on staying in the room all day?'''' he asks, looking out the window. I know he wants to distract me from this but I can''t lose focus. Maybe I have been too obsessed with the diary and getting to the end of it. I am losing my mind because after Elliot left, I couldn''t stop thinking about it. What if John killed his wife? What if he plans on killing his son to hide it?


    No one will ever suspect him if anything happens to Ford, they will just think ''Oh, he was insane anyway.'' I know him like the back of my hand. He is not crazy. He might have his demons that are fighting with, that is what makes him so messed up. You can''t have a fucked up childhood and grow up to be perfect.


    That is not how this works.


    "Elliot might call,'''' I interject.


    "You can take your phone to school. I don''t think it is a good idea to be cooped up in this room all day. Just come out with me today and if he calls with any news, I will drive you to wherever you need to go.''''


    I sigh because he is right. I am slowly losing my mind in this apartment. With the lights off and the reflection of the sun poking through the tiny window, it feels like I am in a prison in my mind. "Okay, where is Patrick?'''' I ask him at the same time standing up from the bed.


    "Work,'''' he smiles, then adds "He is such a workaholic.''''


    After a quick shower and some fresh clothes, I go back to the room and grab the book from under the


    I grab the book from under the pillow and he raises a brow "what''s that?"


    "Nothing, do you know if mom is still in the apartment?''''


    He shakes his head "She called me last night. Sounded very worried.''''


    I roll my eyes. She is trying to get to me through him when she knows that won''t work. Jack might be my best friend but he is also loyal to her. Mom has taken care of him all his life and most times I see the loyalty that he carries with him when it involves her but I am sure at this moment, he will stick by me.


    "She only cares about her new husband.''''


    "You know that''s not true. She is in love. Love just makes you do things that sometimes might be wrong.''''


    I scoff "I told her something so secret, that I expected her to take my side but she chose the man she just met over her own fucking son.''''


    "You chose Ford over her.'''' He points out.


    "It didn''t have to come to that. Why did we have to choose?''''


    "She is scared to lose the guy, you should cut her some slack.''''


    You see, there lies the loyalty he has for the woman. The blind trust that should be between a mother and her son. I can''t choose her because now I live for Ford. He is the only person that matters. I love him so much.


    "Come on, let''s go.''''


    *************************


    The whole day passes by so slow. Eren and Jack try to distract me but my mind is in a fog. All thoughts are fixed on one person. When I close my eyes, I see him and his smile. I can still feel his lips on mine. The tender and softness of his touch.


    "Yo, you keep spacing out on us.''''


    "I am here," I manage in a lie. The fact that they are both here trying to get me out of my funk is not working. Nothing will work except I find him.


    "You haven''t said a word all day.''''


    "I don''t have anything to say,'''' I tell them honestly. They are my best friends. They know when I am in a mood and they understand me most times.


    "You want to go home. School''s pretty much over,'''' Jack suggests. I am about to take him up on his offer when my phone rings and Elliot''s picture springs up brightly. I press the answer button eagerly because this is the call I have been waiting for.


    "Hey pretty boy,'''' he mutters into the phone.


    "Have you seen him?'''' I ignore his compliment¡ªI mean is that even a compliment.


    "Not yet, how do you feel about coming with me?''''


    My heart stops in my chest at his words. Holy shit. Is this for real?


    ''''Do you know where he is?''''


    "I''m on my way. Surprisingly he gave me the address and put my name on the guest list. He didn''t even argue. Guess he doesn''t really have anything to hide.''''


    This seems suspicious but I don''t even know what to believe.


    "Where are you now?''''


    "In the car. I thought about picking you up from the apartment. Want to make sure that is where you are first."


    "I''m at school, I can meet you up somewhere,'''' I suggest, not wanting to be a bother.


    He chuckles "it''s fine. Send me the address.''''


    He ends the call and I send him my location on imessage. Jack raises a brow and I smile, there is this part of me that is excited to see him. Okay not apart, the whole me. I can''t believe I get to see him.


    I meet Elliot at the parking lot and he gets down from the car "High school feels like such a long time ago.'''' He mutters dreamily. I wish I could grow up already. I hate all the control. I hate that I can''t be with who I want to be with. Being a kid sucks.


    "It''s not so great,'''' I tell him.


    He laughs "You haven''t tried being an adult. Just you wait on that,'''' he winks as we both enter the car. I look out the window as the thoughts roam around my head. i don''t know what to expect when I see him but I just want to hold him. Will I be allowed to hold him?


    Will he be drugged to the point where he doesn''t even remember me?


    God, when will this fucking nightmare end?

 Chapter 137 - He Is A Monster

    Lance


    The drive is quiet.


    Not like I expected small talk and shit, but I am nervous as fuck. I don''t know what I am expecting but I expect him to still be the Ford I know. "You don''t have to be nervous." Elliot comforts me.


    I know Ford, he is a fucking fighter. Stronger than anyone I know; he will be fine.


    I know that but how much more can he take of all this. there is so much someone can take before they finally break, I just hope I get to him before he gets to his limit. Before I lose him completely.


    The car parks in front of the hospital. It is not even far away from their house¡ªI am not calling that place home anymore. I don''t belong there, and I never will. It is best for me to just let go of that part of my life.


    The name of the hospital is written in bold. It is here in plain sight and just a few hours ago, I couldn''t get to it. John is a monster for doing this, but I am also glad I have this opportunity. The chance to see him again. I follow Elliot out of the car, and we walk to the reception together. My phone rings loudly that everyone''s attention turns to me. there is a couple in the waiting area of the reception, and a nurse over the counter. I raise my hands up with an apologetic look ''''Do you need to get that?'''' he asks me concerned.


    I look at the ID and seeing mom''s picture, I shake my head immediately. I don''t feel like talking to her right now. I don''t want anything to ruin this moment¡ªthe moment where I get to see him. a message shows up immediately the call ends and its from her.


    Mom: can you pick up? I need to talk to you.


    I roll my eyes because I was kinda expecting something like this. She said all those mean things to me and wants us to go back to the way we were. There is no way I can just forget everything. I walk back to Elliot at the same time stuffing my phone back into my pocket. He gives the reception lady his name and she smiles at him flirtingly. Elliot is a catch; he is handsome and rich. Who wouldn''t want to be with him? Walking over to the counter she leads us to a door which in turn leads to a room. The room is empty, except for a table and four chairs on both sides. to me, this looks like a prison. It makes no sense to me. I still don''t feel like he needs to be here. There is nothing wrong with him.


    I walk behind him as he sits down on one of the chairs, he looks up at me ''''You gonna sit?'''' he asks.


    I nod and sit down next to him. in just a couple of minutes, the wait seems like hours. We are both quiet. I don''t know what to expect and I guess Elliot just isn''t as worried as me. He is using his phone. My eyes are fixed to the only door in the room. The door he should walk into when he gets here.


    ''''What are you expecting?'''' Elliot asks me finally.


    I shrug because I have been thinking about it. I don''t know what I am about to see but I hope I see the Ford I know. The one that left me with promises. I hope it is not too late.


    ''''I just want to see him. I want him out of here.''''


    Elliot nods in understanding ''''You have to be patient though. We didn''t come here to get him out. There is no way we can do that easily.''''


    I know that.


    Fuck if I don''t know.


    ''''Just talk to him, let him know that we are working on getting him out of here. No going off that, okay?'''' he warns me. I don''t know what he thinks I plan to do but the only thing running through my mind is seeing him. I don''t even mind all the other things but making sure he is alright. I want to see a smile on his face, I want him to say my name, tell me that he still loves me.


    The door opens the second I take my eyes off it, quickly shifting my eyes back to the door. I see him¡­. finally, as he walks into the room. There is this look of disinterest on his face. he is dressed in a pair of white sweats and a plain white shirt. he doesn''t look up as he walks into the room. My heart is racing against my chest. The fear that he wouldn''t be there. I jump up from the chair and he looks up from the ruckus I just made. Our eyes meet instantly, and the recognition is there. His open wide as he runs to me immediately. I stand up and he is in my arms, completely oblivious to Elliot''s presence. His grip is tight. This is everything I wanted when I came here. He is still the Ford I know; I can feel him against me.


    ''''You''re here,'''' he cries in my arms ''''How are you here. He let you see me?'''' he is talking to me but doesn''t pull apart. I can''t answer him like this because all I can focus on is his touch. We stay like that for a couple of minutes. I don''t want to break free from him because I don''t know when I will have this opportunity again. I don''t want to cry, I need to be strong for him. he has always been the strong one in the relationship. The shoulder that I knew I could always cry on but now, after everything that happened in the span of one day. I see all the struggles he had to deal with. I see all the pain that I didn''t even know was there.


    He needs me right now.


    I need to be there for him.


    He pulls away from me slightly, still in my arms and I see his face for the first time. There is a bruise on his cheek. It seems to be swollen. I don''t even know how that even happened, but I want to kill whoever did that to him. I reach for him and he closes his eyes, not even flinching as I touch the bruise, wishing I could take all the pain he is feeling. I wish the tables could be turned. I wish he didn''t have to go through this. I will gladly take all the pain away from him.


    ''''Hi,'''' he breathes just as he opens his eyes again. there is a smile on his face. the genuineness of his happiness to see me.


    ''''Hi,'''' I reply.


    ''''Hi,'''' this time, Elliot interrupts us and I remember he is here. Ford pulls away from me, almost like a reflex. This would happen when we were still a secret, but it seems like he has forgotten that everything is out in the open.


    ''''Why are you here?'''' he asks confused. Elliot just waves with a nervous smile on his face. maybe the whole thing is making him a little uncomfortable.


    The first look of uncertainty shows in his face ''''He helped. Uncle Max called. He knows you are here.''''


    ''''Does dad know you are here?'''' he asks facing me again. I shrug because Elliot didn''t actually specify. Would he have let me see him if he did.?


    ''''Yeah, he did. He said he didn''t have anything to hide,'''' he informs us.


    I roll my eyes. He has everything to hide. Maybe he just trying to cover his tracks. Make everything not as suspicious as it really is.


    ''''That''s bullshit,'''' Ford interjects angrily.


    ''''Yeah, we all think so but there is no evidence to that. He must know that Grandfather is involved and he doesn''t want things to escalate. This might just be his way of saying he is transparent.''''


    ''''He is not transparent. I didn''t have any kind of episode. There is nothing wrong with me. I just want to be with Lance,'''' he cries, slowly letting go of me and walking to the table. He sits down opposite Elliot, placing his hands on the table ''''You have to tell Uncle Max that I can''t stay here. They will stuff me up with meds and I will really lose my mind.''''


    ''''that''s the plan, you know that. But we don''t have any rights over you. He is the only one that does. At least until you are eighteen.''''


    He nods ''''Remember what I told you that night?'''' he asks.


    Elliot looks over at me, almost like he is letting me know what they are talking about. If it is the same thing that he told me, then it has to do with his mother.


    ''''We can use that.. he is a monster.''''

 Chapter 138 - Believe Me

    Ford.


    ''''Why are you always sad mommy?'''' I ask her with a concerned look on my face. she is in bed, in her nightgown. This is the usual way I find her. She was always so happy. Always the life of a party. Mom used the be the one I would always want to be around but now; all she does is sleep. All she does is make me worry.


    ''''Mommy is very tired baby,'''' she pulls me into her arms, and I rest my head on her chest, wrapping my little arms around her.


    ''''Dad said I shouldn''t bother you. That you are sick, he said you wouldn''t be happy to see me. he is lying right?''''


    ''''Your father doesn''t know what is best for me. He doesn''t know that you are my most favourite person on the planet.''''


    I look up at her and her eyes are closed as she whispers those words to me, it seems like it hurts for her to speak, I wish I could make it all better.


    ''''You''re my favourite too,'''' I smile and this time she opens her eyes. They are cloudy and tired looking. Her eyes used to shine. They were the brightest of all colours and now they are scary. I blame dad for this.


    I hate him so much.


    ''''You have to promise me that you will always remember how I was. You won''t remember me like this,'''' she looks at me with a serious expression.


    ''''You''re not going anywhere, right?''''


    She nods her head ''''I am not going anywhere,'''' this time, it seems like she is not even sure. She is making a promise and it feels like it won''t last.


    ''''There is no evidence on that Bradford. You will only look crazier if you accuse him of that.'''' we are talking about my deepest darkest secret, something I have only mentioned once to Elliot and I regret it immediately. I haven''t told Lance about this; I didn''t want to show him this side of me. the part of me that knows something so scary.


    Our relationship is already troubled waters. This will be adding to it and I didn''t want to, now it seems like I have no choice. this is the only way I can get out of his reigns. It seems like this is the only way I will be free.


    ''''But it happened. He killed her,'''' I shout so loud, wishing he would listen to me. I wish everyone would believe me for once. My eyes shift away from Elliot and to my boyfriend. I know he will believe me. he has been on my side from the beginning. He wouldn''t judge me no matter what.


    ''''You believe me¡­ right?'''' I ask him.


    He walks over to the table and takes a seat in one of the empty chairs. I wait for him to answer to me, to say something but he doesn''t ''''Lance, I know I didn''t tell you about it. I know I should''ve but dad killed my mom.''''


    This is the first time I am saying this in broad daylight. When I told Elliot, we were kids. We didn''t even know any better. Or at least I was still a kid. I had never felt more alone, than that chrismas in their house. I didn''t have anyone to talk to about it. no one believed me and I hoped he would.


    ''''Baby,'''' he finally speaks, slowly grabbing my hands in his. His eyes are sad, the pain evident in them. I don''t know what else to say.


    ''''Do you at least believe me?''''


    He nods his head ''''I believe you, Ford. I will never stop believing you but what Elliot is trying to say is that no one else would and there is no evidence of that.''''


    I let go of him from his words. Maybe I am spiralling. The meds do that to me, and they have pumped a sufficient amount into me. I just want someone to tell me that everything would be okay. Can one person just do that?


    I think back to the only evidence I could possibly have ''''My journal, I have been writing for years. It is in my room. It has the truth.''''


    He opens his eyes wide and I sense a hint of guilt. Why does he look guilty right now? ''''Can you help me get it. it is proof that could help me. I can''t keep living like this Lance. I am exhausted.'''' I breathe out at those words. This is the first time I am admitting this to myself. I have tried to stay strong, be tough. Meeting Lance helped me feel the need to survive but those demons are clouding in again. they are telling me that death might be the best thing for everyone. Lance wouldn''t have to go through the pain that I bring with me. Elliot wouldn''t be here and maybe Lisa wouldn''t be the person she is today.


    Maybe I am the problem.


    Maybe I am the reason mom died. I mean, I was in the car. just like he said, I am the cause of the accident. This is why I don''t like to get in my head. It makes me think I am crazy, delusional and psychotic.


    Fuck.


    ''''Just breathe Ford, I have it. I found it in your room,'''' he tells me. my eyes stay fixed on his face. I am trying to read his expression. If he found it, then he has read everything and he knows.


    ''''Have you read it?''''


    He shakes his head ''''Not completely. It''s a lot for me, so I have been unable to read it all at once.'''' He confesses. It is a lot for him, but I fucking lived it. I lived through the pain that is in those pages. No one ever understood me.


    ''''I believe you, Ford. I am going to get you out of here. We will have our escape. No matter what,'''' he grabs my hands in his again. his eyes remain on mine. I believe him completely but the wavering thoughts in my mind pull me in.


    ''''Look, this is not about your mother. This is about getting you out of here. I am going to call grandpa Max. I will tell him everything and he will intervene. You know your dad doesn''t want an intervention. He hates my side of the family being involved. So maybe with this, he will agree to get you out of here.''''


    He makes it all seem like it is so easy. I know my father; he will find another reason to keep me here. I didn''t even have an outburst and he did this to me. I didn''t do anything to him but love someone.


    What is so wrong with that?


    ''''Thanks, Elli,'''' I sniffle out my gratitude. I am grateful for him, but I am also tired of involving other people in my life.


    I just want to be able to do things on my own for once in my fucking life.


    ''''Anytime bro.'''' he stands up from the chair and my anxiety kicks in. If he is leaving, Lance will have to go too. I don''t want him to go yet. ''''I''ll give you a couple of minutes,'''' he looks at my boyfriend and the anxiety cools off. I look at Lance as he thanks, Elliot.


    Once Elliot is out, Lance lets out a sigh ''''I want to take you with me,'''' he cries. I want the same thing but that is not happening. ''''This is all my fault,'''' he adds, which makes me furrow my brow in confusion.


    ''''Why do you think this is your fault?''''


    ''''I made you have sex with me in the locker room shower. If we had just played it safe, Lisa wouldn''t have the video and she wouldn''t have told mom, and no one would have found out and we would still be together.''''


    He is rambling but it brings a smile to my face ''''This isn''t your fault. It was bound to happen. Lisa already had her suspicions, so she would''ve still told your mom, and she would''ve still found out. There was no way we could keep our love hidden for so long. Someone was bound to see it.''''


    ''''but¡ª'''' I cut him off ''''No buts Lance. finish the journal when you get home. I want you to see my heart out in those pages. Know the truth.''''


    He nods ''''I will, I promise, I will believe you no matter what.''''


    His words are comforting but I need him to read it first. ''''Am I going to see you again?'''' I ask him. The last time he locked me up, I stayed for six months. In six months, I will already be eighteen. I can''t wait for six months to see him again.


    I will not survive this time.


    ''''Of course,'''' he smiles ''''Now I know where you are. Trust me, I will be back If I have to sneak you out of here myself.''''


    He leans forward and I close my eyes because I know what is about to come. His lips touch mine and all the pain and sadness wipe out. I feel a million times better from just his touch.


    I believe him too.

 Chapter 139 - The Therapist

    Ford.


    He leaves me alone and I feel the plight of his absence. I don''t know how much more I can last without him. This place will slowly eat me alive. I have been here before but this time is worse. Last time he locked me up, I didn''t have anything to look forward too on the outside. Now, things are different. He is so far away from me and I am slowly losing my mind. I told him everything. Things that I thought I will never speak of. Maybe it is this place that is doing this to me. It has a way of messing with my mind.


    I might seem okay to everyone but the thoughts in my head a ruining around and driving me crazy. It has just been one day. Thinking it could end up being more than a month, scares the hell out of me.


    ''''Dr Mathew would like to see you now,'''' one of the nurses, Catherine tells me as she enters my room. I look around the empty space, wondering if now would be a good time to create a scene. I don''t want to see anyone right now. Even though Doctor Matthew has been my therapist for years. He thinks he can miraculously cure me. I mean, there is no cure for my disorder. Everyone in this hospital knows I am bipolar, but they are all trying to make it seem like there is more to my sickness. Like my moods are not the only thing that is affected. Talking to a doctor won''t help me. I am not a problem to anyone. I just want to be left the fuck alone.


    ''''Do I have a choice?'''' I ask her as my eyes slowly meet hers.


    She smiles. They always have these fakes smile on their face. Maybe this is their way of being friendly to the mentally ill person but to me, I find it condescending and patronizing. She is not my friend, she doesn''t need to act as if she cares about me.


    ''''Come on Brad, you know this is the fastest way to get out of here. The more you fight, the longer you stay here.''''


    The last time I was here, I was the most problematic patient in the hospital. I didn''t talk to anyone for a whole month, I refused to eat, I would always spit out my meds and she is actually right. My stubbornness is probably the one that kept me here for as long as I did. I don''t know what fathers plan is, he might want to keep me here for as long as possible. I don''t want a situation where I will end up here for a year. Maybe I should just behave.


    Pretend that I actually want to get help.


    I stand up from the tiny bed, looking at the bed, it reminds me of the one in Lance''s apartment. The one we would squeeze together, wrapped in each other''s arms. Now, this bed seems too big, to empty without him. I don''t know how long I can last without him.


    Following Catherine, she stops in front of Doctor Matthew''s office. His name is written in bold on the door. The man that thinks he can cure everyone of their sickness.


    She knocks the door and he opens with a wide smile on his face¡ªsee what I said. Everyone is fucking full of smiles. Weird to me that they can be smiling in front of people that would rather be dead than here. ''''My favourite boy,'''' he says walking over to me and patting my shoulder playfully.


    I roll my eyes but he doesn''t notice, as his attention is already on Catherine. ''''You can leave him to me, dear,'''' he tells her and she smiles back at him and walks away from us.


    Doctor Matthew looks older than the last time I saw him. I guess this place has a way of making you look like you''re closer to your death bed. His hair is already a full-on grey colour and the wrinkles on his face are more outlined. Shouldn''t he be retiring about now?


    Why is he still here?


    ''''Come in,'''' he removes his hand from me and walks back into the room. I watch him as he sits down on a couch on the other side of the office. His office is very big, even in a place like this, I still feel like the walls are closing in on me. I wish the floor would open up and swallow me completely.


    There is a larger couch next to the one he is seated on. I am supposed to get comfortable as I talk to him. That is his process, but I have never been comfortable in this place. I have never really opened up to anyone in that place and don''t think I want to start anytime soon.


    "Have a seat please,'''' he gestures me to the chair.


    I don''t want to sit down but I have no choice. Sluggishly, I walk over to the couch and he watches me with the most patience expression on his face. Once I am seated. He grabs a notepad from the table next to the chair and looks back at me. He plans on writing down everything I say and then using it against me.


    This is not my first rodeo and if my father still has me on his reigns, it won''t be my last.


    ''''So, how have you been since the last time I saw you?'''' he asks me.


    I was supposed to see him every week but after the first couple of months. I stopped showing up. Father only cares about me when it affects him and since I was laying low and quiet, he didn''t feel the need to push on it. Now that I am affecting his marriage. He is back to overreacting.


    ''''Same,'''' I shrug uninterestedly.


    He nods ''''you want to tell me why we are here again? What happened.''''


    I am pretty sure he already knows what happened but the fact that he is asking, just means he wants to know what I think happened. How I see everything.


    ''''My father can''t handle that I am gay.''''''


    He writes in his book and then looks at me again ''''you think that is the reason? That John is homophobic?''''


    I nod. That is the only reason. He is doing this because I am with Lance and he can''t handle it. He might not want to admit it but that is the truth.


    ''''This boy, he is your stepbrother?''''


    It sounds like a question but to me it is rhetorical. He knows what he knows already and nothing I say will change that. He just wants to find a way to make me see that I am crazy. I mean, that IS his job.


    ''''Yes.''''


    ''''Do you think this has anything to do with the fact that you are not happy that your father married someone else?''''


    I furrow my brows in confusion.


    What the fuck is he talking about?


    "Maybe you didn''t want your mother to be replaced and now you are lashing out.''''


    Why does he keep asking me questions that are not questions? He is wrong about his assumption. I don''t care that he got married. I never cared about that. His life is his life but I see where he is going to. The angle he is taking this.


    ''''Sure, if you say so.''''


    The smile disappears from his face as he realizes that he isn''t going to get through to me. I have nothing more to say, it already seems like he has all the answers to his questions.


    ''''I spoke to your father when he brought you here. He doesn''t have a problem with you and Lance. He wants to make sure this is YOUR own decision and not the¡­'''' he pauses ''''Demons in your head, as if you call it.''''


    I sigh. The demons have nothing to do with me and Lance. Lance is the only light in my dark world. He is the only one that matters and now they want to taint that and make it into something it is not.


    ''''I love him.'''' I breathe out those words.


    I really do love him.


    He writes down in his book again and I rest my back on the couch. I am exhausted with this conversation. I wish he would just let me go. ''''Are we done?'''' I ask him.


    The smile returns to his face ''''Do you want to be done?''''


    I shrug, I don''t know the point for his question. He should just say what he has to say and let me go ''''did you tell your father that he killed your mother?''''


    I frown.


    I didn''t say that out loud. I don''t remember telling him that. I only thought about it.


    ''''I didn''t say that.''''


    ''''Your father told me. He looked really pained. Do you think you are just lashing out and taking things out on him?'''' his words affect me a lot because that is not what I am doing. Why is he doing this to me?


    ''''I didn''t tell him that.''''


    I repeat totally confused.


    I don''t even know what is happening.

 Chapter 140 - The Accusation

    Marybell


    I have been calling him all night. I don''t know why but maybe, he got in my head. I didn''t believe him before but now, I am not so sure anymore. Lance has always been an honest kid. He never had any reason to lie to me or keep things from me but I just thought he kept this from me because he didn''t want me to object to it. He is the type of person that likes to get what he wants and maybe it is selfish but I have always trained him that way.


    I didn''t want him to be a pushover. If he sees something that he wants, I want him to grab it. I guess all my teachings kind of backfired on me now. He said he didn''t know Brad was John''s son and I believe him completely. I don''t know why he thinks this love is the one for him. He is still young. He can find someone else. This is just young love. Young love never lasts. He still has the rest of his life to figure it out. I know Brad is not really his brother but I think there are lines that he has crossed.


    It might not be wrong but it is still weird. With him being with Brad, it messes with the family dynamics.


    ''''You okay?'''' John walks into the room. I am in front of my dressing table. My reflection in the mirror seems to be staring at me. I didn''t sleep a wink last night. After dinner, I had a lot of thoughts in my head that just wouldn''t leave. It seems like he is hiding something from me.


    I can''t pinpoint what it is but the fact that I caught him acting all suspicious has been getting to me. Now. I want to speak to Lance. Find out what he knows. I want to let him know that I am on his side. John is my husband and I love him with all my heart but if I find out that he is lying to me. I will never forgive him.


    That is as far as I can go.


    ''''Yeah,'''' I manage.


    He smiles ''''I will be leaving town today but I just thought to let you know that I am letting Lance see Brad today.''''


    My eyes shoot up to him, from the shock of his words. Yesterday, when I asked him. He didn''t want to talk about it and now is going to let my son see him.


    ''''Why?''''


    He smiles ''''His cousin wants to see him, so I just thought. Why not let him too.''''


    Maybe because I already have all these thoughts in my head but I still find the whole thing suspicious. It really seems like he is hiding something from me.


    ''''I know you think that I am hiding something but I need you to trust me. I will never do anything to hurt my kid. This is for his own good. You have to believe me.''''


    I sigh. It seems like he is reading my mind.


    ''''Is it because he is with Lance. What led to the outburst?''''


    ''''I don''t have a problem with him being gay. I never did.''''


    It seems like a lie. John is very conservative. He must have his reservations on the whole thing. ''''I just wish it didn''t have to be with Lance. It is just wrong to me. I wanted us to be a family, now this just makes things weird.''''


    The same way I felt.


    The same way I feel.


    He walks over to me and grabs both of my hands in his, slowly pulling me up to my feet. His eyes bore into mine. I love him so much, that this whole thing hurts. What do I do in this situation? ''''You have to trust me. I promise I am not lying to you. Everything I do, I do for my family.'''' He assures me. He is so believable at this moment. I don''t even know how I feel anymore.


    He leans forward and I can''t fight him. I don''t even want to fight him. John is my weakness. Loving him is the easiest thing I have ever had to do. I don''t want to let go of that but I also need to talk to Lance. I need to make things right with him. I love him too and he is the only one that should matter.


    His lips stay on mine and maybe this is me afraid to let go, but I cling onto him. I hold him like this is the last day I have with him. I hold him like I need him to survive.


    My phone rings on the table and this makes him pull away from our kiss. He leans forward and looks at the phone ''''Lance is calling. This could be a step to reconciliation.'''' He tells me, smiling. At this moment, I should jump for joy but I can''t because he is calling me, probably because I have been blowing his phone up. ''''You should get that, settle things with the kid.''''


    I smile as he places a soft peck on my forehead ''''I have to stop by the office for a while. Will you be alright without me?''''


    We stayed in today. He said he wanted to spend some time with me even though all I kept thinking about all day was Lance and talking to him. It makes me feel like shit. The guilt will probably eat at me for the rest of the day. ''''Yeah,'''' I tell him.


    He nods and I watch him as he puts on his suit jacket ''''Stay beautiful for me¡­okay?'''' he tells me before leaving the room and closing the door behind me.


    The call ends before I can answer it, so I redial it immediately. He answers on the first ring "Baby?'''' I call him.


    This gets a chuckle from him ''''Since when am I, baby?''''


    I know, it is weird to call him that but I just want to do anything to get back on his good books. ''''I''m sorry. I''ve been calling you all day.'''' I tell him.


    ''''Yeah, that''s why I am calling you back.''''


    I take a deep breath. It is normal for him to give me an attitude. Lance without attitude is not him. ''''Can you come home?'''' I ask, desperate to see him.


    ''''Is that my home?''''


    I sigh ''''Please Lance, I need to talk to you.''''


    ''''Why? You said all you had to say yesterday. I don''t understand why you feel the need to settle things between us. You made your choice already.''''


    ''''I didn''t choose. Why does this have to be a ''choose me'' situation?''''


    ''''because you married a maniac.'''' He shouts into the phone. My heart races at his words. He is so adamant that john is the evil one. He doesn''t know the man like I do. He doesn''t even want to give him a chance.


    ''''don''t say that about him.''''


    He laughs into the phone ''''Yeah, I don''t expect anything from you. The best thing for you to do right now is get out of that marriage before he kills you too.''''


    His tone is very harsh.


    ''''What do you mean by that. Lance, you have to stop saying things when you don''t thave the full picture. It is unfair to John and you know it.''''


    ''''Mom. You have to listen to me. That man is a dangerous person. He will not hesitate to hurt you if you get in his way. Your life is in danger.''''


    The seriousness of his voice is alarming.


    How can he even think this way?


    Now he is accusing him of murder.


    ''''Stop. Stop all this.'''' I shout. Raising my voice for the first time. I hear his sigh through the phone. ''''You can''t just blurt out words just because you feel like it. It is completely unfair.''''


    ''''I am being serious. John killed Ford''s mother. He killed her and now he will kill you too.''''


    Now I know Lance is being ridiculous and frankly I will not tolerate this ''''what makes you think this way.'''' I ask him. I want to know where he got this idea from.


    ''''Ford told me. He knows about it and that is why his father hates him so much. That is why he treats him the way he does.''''


    It all makes sense to me now. Brad is sick, he is putting thoughts into my sons head. Making him believe all his stories, the only way he will be able to get him on his side. ''''And you believe him?''''


    ''''Yes, I do. I believe him completely.''''


    This is Lance''s, first love. He has put him on such a high threshold. I cannot convince him otherwise. ''''Ask him about it. See how he reacts to the question. That will give you your answer.'''' He ends the call without even waiting for a reply. The anger that he feels is very confusing to me.


    I don''t know what to believe.


    I don''t know anymore.

 Chapter 141 - The Surprise Visit

    Jack.


    "Hey, when are you coming home?'''' I breathe into the phone, feeling so alone. I can already tell he is smiling. Trick likes it when I am clingy. I think he just likes knowing that I need him. I never even knew I would but along the line, he has become the most important person to me.


    I haven''t moved into his place, even though he has been pestering me to. It''s not that I don''t want to but I think it is too soon to take things to that level. I am still getting to know him and doing that will make the relationship more serious¡ªnot that I am saying it is not serious now. Just not in that space yet. I don''t want to push things. I am the kind of guy that likes things to go slow. Once this is rushed¡ªit is bound to be doomed.


    "There''s a rush at work. In about an hour,'''' he tells me. It''s weird that I already miss him. We just started dating and he has become such an important part of me. Life without him doesn''t even exist anymore.


    I thank the Lord for making me gay.


    "Is Lance not home with you?"


    I roll my eyes. Lance is going through a lot right now. It feels like our relationship is strained at the moment. I don''t understand the things he is going through, I can''t do anything to help him. I have tried to be there for him, tried to be his friend but it is not enough. Right now, he needs a miracle and he can''t get that from me.


    "He went to see Ford.''''


    ''''Oh, isn''t that a good thing?''''


    I nod forgetting that he is not here "Yeah, I hope they figure this shit out soon. It is taking a toll on the guy."


    "It will all be alright.''''


    He can''t be too sure but I will like to believe that too. John cannot keep them apart forever. He might have the control too now but later on, he will have to let go of his son. You can''t control someone for the rest of their life. I hear a knock on the door which confuses me "Are you expecting someone?'''' I ask him.


    I don''t think Lance would be back anytime soon. This might be the only opportunity he will have to spend with Ford, he will probably drag it for as long as he can.


    ''''Is there someone at the door?'''' I nod as I walk out of his room. His room is the most comfortable place in the house. Especially when he is next to me in my arms. Fuck, I have become a sucker for him.


    "Yeah," I answer him as the knocking becomes louder and aggressive. Whoever it is must be angry.


    "I''m coming,'''' I shout through the door "I got to go,'''' I tell him with a huffed breath.


    "Don''t open it,'''' he speaks so fast that I stop in confusion.


    "Why?''''


    He sighs through the phone "Check who it is first,'''' his voice sounds tense. Why does he seem scared?


    "Is something wrong?'''' I ask because his worry has suddenly become mine.


    "Just check through the peephole. Don''t answer the door.''''


    I stop in front of the door but the knocking doesn''t stop "They are still knocking,'''' I whisper to him since he doesn''t want me to answer it.


    "Check who it is¡­" the panic in his voice comes out more as it second passes.


    I look through the peephole and the person on the other side of the door doesn''t even scream ''beware''. Her face peers through the hole. It seems like whatever she is here for is important.


    "Who is it?'''' he asks nervously.


    I walk away from the door and to the couch "A woman, she doesn''t seem dangerous," I pause "Should I let her in, see what she wants?''''


    "No,'''' he shouts immediately.


    From the tone of his voice, I can tell he is hiding something. The knocking on the door becomes persistent. Whatever she is here for must be important.


    "What is going on?''''


    He sighs "I can''t explain this right now. Just stay inside till I get back.'''' He begs me.


    "Okay. I''m worried, you have to talk to me about this when you get home.'''' I urge him but I can tell he isn''t even there anymore. I take a deep breath, not sure what else I can say. This whole thing is awkward enough already. "I got to get back to work,'''' he tells me before ending the call.


    I drop the phone on the couch as the banging continues.


    "Patrick, I know you''re in there. It is your mother, you can''t do this to me,'''' the woman outside shouts with so much desperation in her voice. I don''t know why he doesn''t want to see her but if she is really his mother, it makes me feel very guilty. I can hear her cries and there is nothing I can do. I know he has a rough thing going with his family but he hasn''t told me the whole story, so I don''t know enough to judge him. I haven''t had any luck in the parent''s area, so I can understand having shitty parents. His mother seems harmless to me. So I don''t know what they have going on and it is not in my place to intervene. At least, until he tells me what is going on?


    After about thirty minutes, the knocking stops. I walk over to the door and she is no longer there. My heart calms down against my chest because for the past thirty minutes, I have been thinking the worst. I don''t know what he is hiding from me but it must be terrible for him to be so scared.


    I have been on the couch for a couple of minutes, unsure of what the hell is going on. A knock comes from the door again, and my heart goes back to its original frenzy. She couldn''t possibly be back¡­right?


    I walk over to the door and into the peephole.


    Lance.


    Quickly opening the door, I pull him into that apartment. She might still be lurking around. He specifically told me not to open for her, so it will be bad if he comes home and sees the person he is avoiding.


    "What the fuck dude,'''' Lance whines.


    I roll my eyes, letting go of him immediately "Sorry.''''


    He sighs and walks to the direction of the room Trick let him stay in. I frown "You''re not even going to tell me what happened?'''' I ask.


    He turns around, his hand clutching unto the strap of his bag tightly "I don''t feel like talking about it."


    "Even to your best friend?''''


    He nods "Especially to my best friend.''''


    I groan out in frustration as he walks into the room, closing it quietly. I don''t take the hint because that is usually how it is with Lance. You have to push and push him. If you don''t, he wouldn''t open up to you. "Talk to me before I bring it out of you.''''


    His shirt is off, and on the chair in front of a mirror. He rolls his eyes as he grabs another shirt from the corner, slowly, he puts it on. "It was fucking depressing,'''' he echoes out the words. I feel his pain, even though I can''t relate to it.


    "Are you going to get him out?''''


    He shrugs "We don''t know how to. Elliot seems to think his grandfather is the only one that can help but the only person that has power over Ford is his father.''''


    "Did he seem okay when you saw him?''''


    "He seemed depressed. You know how he was when he wasn''t talking to me?'''' I nod. "He seemed like he is back in that funk.'''' He adds.


    I don''t know what to think. I don''t have the words to make him feel better.


    "I found his diary. I have been reading it.''''


    I don''t even know anyone that keeps a diary. That is the weirdest shit ever but I also know that this is a way for Lance to get into Ford''s head. See and know his thoughts "Do you think reading it is a good idea?''''


    He nods "He told me to read it all. I am so scared.'''' He reaches for his backpack and pulls out a brown book. It looks all official and shit. "He seems to think his dad killed his mother. I don''t know how real it is but I believe him."


    This shit just keeps getting worse.


    How is Lance supposed to handle all this? His mother is married to the psycho. He might not be in good terms with her but I know he wouldn''t want anything to happen to her. Mrs M is like a mother to me. She always has my back and now I have to worry about her safety too.


    This shit is insane.

 Chapter 142 - The Secret That Follows You

    Patrick.


    The moment I walk into the house, I see him in the living room¡ªwaiting for me. I know I have a lot of explaining to do but I don''t think I am ready to do that. How do I tell him the truth, how do I tell him everything with the assurance that he won''t leave me.


    He stands up from the couch as I close the door "You''re here,'''' he comments.


    I nod as he walks away from me. The fact that my mother found me just means I have to move again. if this happened before me and Jack, I would''ve packed all my things and run away again. I know this is my life now, as long as she knows where I am, I have to leave.


    How do I explain this to him?


    "Work was so exhausting,'''' I think this is the best angle to go with now. I don''t want to talk about it, because I don''t have the explanation to give him. The one that is believable. I can''t lie to him. I love him too much to do that. Lying to him is not an option, so keeping the truth from him is the only thing I can do.


    "Are you hungry?'''' he asks as he stops in front of me. I warp my arms around his waist and he smiles warmly. It melts my heart completely. That is the power he has over me. He can turn me into a clingy mess with just a hug¡ªnow I don''t want to leave him.


    "I don''t mind food,'''' I tell him.


    He nods "Do you want to go out? We could find a quiet place. Have dinner together?'''' he suggests and it sounds so appealing. Suddenly I want to do that but I also don''t want to go outside, in case she comes back.


    "Is lance home now?'''' I ask him.


    He nods again "He went to bed early. The dude is tapped out.''''


    I completely understand and even though I can''t say I know what he is going through. I still feel bad for him "Come on, just to talk.'''' He urges me and suddenly it is not so appealing anymore. Talking means, asking about what happened earlier. I don''t want to talk about that yet. I don''t want to lie to him.


    "I am quite tired,'''' I repeat in hopes that he will just take the hint and let this go for now.


    "Okay, I get that." He raises a brow and then adds "I can check the fridge for something.''''


    My fridge always has leftovers. I am not really a fan of eating out. Usually, after work, I like to stay at home. Maybe it was just the part of me that didn''t want to be found that made me such a hermit but it paid off¡­until now.


    He lets go of me and suddenly I feel so alone. I want to be in his arms again. Gosh, I am desperate. Jack walks over to the fridge and opens it. He smiles once he is done rummaging through it "There''s fried rice and chicken, is that okay?'''' he asks.


    How did I get so lucky?


    I know he is curious about earlier, I know he has questions but he hasn''t said anything. Probably because of the way I am acting but I am very grateful for him.


    "You should have a shower while I heat it up. We could eat together."


    I leave him and walk into the bathroom. The face I stare at in the reflection scares the crap out of me, because the fact that she is here just brings back all the memories. Not saying that I forgot them, but I pushed them so back in my head that her coming is flooding them all back in. I wanted to forget. I wanted to let it all go but how can I do that when she is alive. Not that I want her dead¡ªGod no. that is not what I am saying.


    See, I am already spiraling.


    Thinking of the worst ways to get rid of this problem.


    This is fucking insane.


    I take off my clothes hurriedly, like pouring water on my body will wash away all the evil thoughts


    I am having in my head. This is what they do to me. They terrorize me until all the anger within me bursts out and completely takes over.


    I can''t let that happen.


    I have everything to lose now.


    Jack is in my life. Things are perfect, I am finally happy. I walk into the shower and the cold water hits me immediately. Whenever I feel like this, I shower with cold water. I like to feel the cold on my skin. It makes me feel something other than what is in my head. It feels so great but I feel like shit. I don''t want him to see me like this. I don''t want to show him how affected I am by the visit.


    We are still in the fresh stage of our relationship. I get that he has his baggage but it can never be compared to mine. No one will ever understand what I did.


    I can''t ever say it out loud.


    I hear a knock on the door and this gets me out of my head "You okay in there?'''' his concerned voice echoes through the door.


    "Yeah,'''' I manage, same time shutting off the tap.


    I grab the towel from the hanger and wrap it around my waist. Opening the door, Jacks curious eyes peer at me. The worried expression is evident on his face. I can''t hide my fear and worry. He can see right through me.


    I don''t even know how long I was in there.


    That is how far gone my mind is.


    "Babe, I am worried. What is wrong.''''


    I manage a smile "Nothing,'''' I walk into my room and he follows me "I am just very tired.'''' I lie because I don''t want him to worry about anything. I will eventually have to tell him about it all but not right now. I am not even ready to talk about it. Saying it out loud makes it real, I don''t want this to be real yet. I am too ashamed of myself and all the burdens I carry with me. There is no way, Jack will understand.


    "The food is already on the table,'''' he follows me into the room. I watch him, unsure of why he is all up in my face right now. He must be curious about earlier and he is afraid to ask.


    ''''Can I just change and I will come out. Do you want to ask Lance to join us?''''


    He smiles "I already did. He just wants to crash and call it a night.'''' He informs me. I wanted to use Lance as a distraction. Maybe it we talk about his problem; he wouldn''t be so interested in mine tonight.


    "Okay, a couple of minutes?'''' I ask him.


    He hesitates for a second. I know he wants to ask me. Silently, I pray he doesn''t ask me anything.


    ''''Cool,'''' he manages and leaves me in the room. I walk over to my closet. My hands shaking uncontrollably. This is all taking a toll on me. I don''t know how to handle it. I grab a pair of clean underwear from a drawer and put it on over the towel. Once I come out, I am sure he will ask me.


    What do I tell him? I have to find a way to evade the truth but I can''t lie about it. I don''t want to lie to him.


    After I am dressed, I walk out of the room and he is seated on the dining table. He looks up immediately and a smile spreads to his face "Come on,'''' he urges me.


    Once seated, he grabs my hand in his. I knew he was going to talk about it immediately "There''s no pressure here,'''' he whispers.


    My heart races against my chest.


    It feels like there is but his words somehow feel comforting to the moment. What was I even thinking? I can''t keep this from him. There is no way I can have a normal relationship with anyone and hide this. It will come out no matter how hard I try.


    "Okay,'''' I manage. ''


    He smiles "You can tell me when you''re ready. I just want you to eat something and rest. This is not my way of getting it out of you.''''


    It feels good knowing he is not pestering but I don''t know how long I can keep this from him. She is here, she knows where I live, so she will be back. There is no doubt about it. This has happened and it will happen again.


    He plates my food for me, and I watch him. Hating myself in this moment but his smile gives me a little bit of assurance. Maybe he wont judge me.


    Maybe he will still love me after the truth is out.

 Chapter 143 - Talk To Me

    Jack.


    He is hiding something from me.


    It is obvious but I don''t know what it is.


    The fear when I told him a woman was outside is still in my mind. I know he has been through shit¡ªhaven''t we all?


    I just wish it was easy for him to talk to me. He didn''t want to go out with me because he didn''t want me to bring it up but how can I not.


    Something that weird happened and he expects me to act like I don''t remember it. That woman is going to come back.


    She seemed desperate to see him.


    What could have happened to make him avoid her?


    We eat in silence. After I told him that he didn''t have to talk to me if he didn''t want to. I let him know that I would wait for him to open up to me when in reality, I was dying to know. I wanted to know why he was so afraid of his mother showing up. There has to be a reason for his fear and I want him to be able to talk about it with me.


    It should be easy for him to communicate with me. I know these things might be hard, considering how the beginning of a relationship always has to look perfect. Our relationship is far from perfect. The bruises on my face will show more on that.


    "I think I might have to move,'''' he breathes those words out.


    I furrow my brows.


    This definitely has something to do with the woman "Like out of the apartment?''''


    He nods.


    "Because of her?'''' I ask, getting up and taking the plates to the sink. He remains quiet, probably because he doesn''t want to talk about it. He is running away from his problems. That is what he wanted me to do. Run away from my father even though I am pretty sure I can still handle him for now.


    "No, I just don''t want to have to deal with her right now.''''


    Okay. He is talking to me about this. That is a good thing¡­right?


    "Okay,'''' I manage. Even though in my head, I have so many questions. I don''t know what to say or how to even compose the words but they are there. I just told him that he didn''t have to talk about this until he was ready and I meant it but you can''t blame me for being curious.


    He stands up from the chair and lets out a heavy sigh "I just want to go to bed tonight. Can we do that?'''' he asks. The desperation is evident in his voice. I want to give him all he wants. if he is tired. We don''t have to talk about this.


    I nod my head and he smiles at me warmly, slowly walking over to me. He grabs both of my hands in his as he pulls me closer.


    "Thank you for being here. You don''t even know how much this has helped me," he tells me, I don''t even know what he means but I manage a nod. I want to be there for him. I guess he doesn''t trust me enough to be completely transparent. I don''t expect complete trust from him yet¡ªlike I have been saying, these things between us is still fresh.


    There is no problem in having some secrets. Everyone has secrets.


    He presses his lips to mine and I close my eyes, wanting more but it ends up being short and not as I would want it to be. As fast as his lips are on mine, they are gone. I watch him as he let''s go of me and goes to his room. I don''t know how to feel about this. He is acting very weird and this is going to affect us. No matter how he may see it.


    I clear up the kitchen which takes about fifteen minutes. Once I get back to the room, he is already asleep. Maybe that was his intention. I mean, he doesn''t want to talk about it and even though I told him I am okay with that¡ªhe still chose to act weird about it and avoid me.


    I change my clothes and climb into the bed, next to him. I haven''t gone back home, since the bruises. I don''t even know if he is at home. Usually, he doesn''t spend more than two days at the apartment but I have stayed with Trick because he has been worried. He wants me to move in with him but I am not ready to do that. Today just proves that I don''t know a lot about him and until we get to that stage where we can both be one hundred percent open with each other¡ªI won''t take things to that level.


    I close my eyes and all the problems of today evaporate as I fall asleep¡­..


    ***************


    Sounds coming from the living room wake me up. I turn to Trick''s side and it is empty. At first, I think it is Lance. He is the one that has the majority of the drama. With his mum and Stepdad but the minute I hear Trick''s voice. I know it is him.


    "Please just leave me alone,'''' he sounds desperate and pained.


    He must be talking to his mother. The woman that came earlier. I stand up from the bed and walk over to the door. It is slightly ajar, so I see him pacing back and forth with his phone pressed to his ear "You promised to leave me alone. Why are you doing this now?'''' he whisper-yells into the phone. I don''t have a clue on what he is talking about and maybe it is wrong for me to eavesdrop on his but I need to know. I want to know what is keeping him up at night.


    "Yeah, you know how It will look if you keep showing up.''''


    I hold my breath, not wanting to make any sound.


    "Mom, you promised to let me go. We agreed to cut ties after that night.''''


    That night.


    What happened that night?


    I watch him as he walks away from my view. Now I am thinking worst-case scenarios. I don''t know what he is hiding but it seems like a big deal. Something happened with his parents and it seems like he wants to take it to the grave. His footsteps get closer and I run back to the bed. I don''t want him to catch me being a creep. Not right now.


    I cover my whole body with the Duvet as he closes the door gently. My eyes are wide open under the darkness. Maybe the angle I am going with is not the best. This is bothering me as much as it is bothering him. I think I have to talk to him about it. I pull the covers up and he jumps, a look of guilt on his face¡ªalmost like he just got caught doing something bad.


    "You''re awake,'''' he mutters shaking.


    I nod and sit up on the bed next to him "So are you,'''' I point out.


    He smiles "I guess I wasn''t as tired as I thought."


    He is still trying to keep this from me "What is going on Trick?'''' I know I said I would be patient but I can''t anymore. I need to know.


    "Nothing,'''' he brushes it off like it is nothing.


    "Why did you have to sneak out of the room to have your conversation?''''


    His eyes open wide, the shock evident in them "I didn''t sneak out. I just didn''t want to wake you up.'''' He has a point there. I mean, it is almost believable¡ªif I didn''t hear his conversation.


    "Why won''t you just talk to me?''''


    He sighs and then runs his hands over his head, his hair is growing out a bit. "It''s not that easy,'''' he mumbles. This is hard for him but the impatience side of me is bursting out.


    "Okay, you want to move because of your mom¡­what happens to us?''''


    He furrows his brows in confusion. Almost like he can''t understand what I am saying, even though it is loud and clear "You''ll come with me. You''re mine.''''


    I raise a brow "I am not yours. You can''t just decide to move and think I will follow you with no explanation whatsoever.''''


    He sighs loudly, the frustration clear on his face "that''s not what is going on. I explained to you that my past is dark. I told you that I ran away from it. It is best not to even talk about it.''''


    "Even with me?''''


    "Especially to you Jack. You are the light in my life if I bring the darkness that I let go of into you. it will ruin us."


    "Light without darkness is not the best thing. You need night to calm your day.''''


    He smiles "This is different."


    Why does it feel like it isn''t?


    Now I am scared to find out what it is.

 Chapter 144 - Married To A Monster

    Ford.


    "Why are you here?'''' I ask with an uninterested eye roll.


    I have been second-guessing myself all through yesterday. I know for a fact that my thoughts have been kept to myself for all these years. How did he know how I felt? It is something I never blurted out, except to Elliot and that was the only time I said those words.


    Now the doctor knows and he probably thinks I am even crazier.


    "I just wanted to talk to you.'''' She breathes out.


    Unfortunately, she is going to be the scapegoat that I will eventually pour out all my anger on. I know she hasn''t don''t anything but I am sure she is not on our side.


    "Why?''''


    She sighs loudly and then runs her hands through her hair, the strands just fall back to place and this makes me even angrier "Lance told me something that I can''t even contemplate.''''


    I raise a brow waiting for her to continue, she remains silent. Almost like she is afraid to say whatever is on her mind. I could tell her that this is a safe place but I don''t feel like it is. It seems like I am being watched as the seconds'' pass. Almost like there are eyes everywhere in this room that they brought me to. It is the same room that Lance and Elliot visited me. I don''t see any cameras but I still feel watched.


    "You should say what you want¡­ I mean, you did come all this way.''''


    She nods her head, still fidgeting. Marybell is not the typical woman my father would go for. I don''t even know how they came about but she is here now, married to a monster and from this visit, I can see the doubt in her eyes. She Is having second thoughts. Regrets even. Does that mean she believes us?


    "He mentioned your mother, do you mind talking about it?"


    My heart stops in my chest. Okay, this is too soon. I didn''t think he would be done with the journal. Why does he always feel the need to talk to his mom about everything? Their relationship is so confusing to me.


    I told him that this was the only way that my dad would pay for all his crimes but I wanted him to talk to uncle Max. I actually think that is the only person that can help us. There is no other way out of this mess.


    Looking at her, I know she wants me to deny it. She wants me to tell her that it is not true, that he didn''t do anything to mom but I won''t. I am exhausted and I think I have reached the point in my life where I don''t have any fucks left to give.


    "What about her?'''' I ask.


    She sighs again "I don''t want to be too blunt about this, I don''t want to be that person."


    I nod, she continues "He seems to think your dad killed her."


    "And?'''' I ask.


    She raises a brow, almost like she is waiting for me to deny it. How can I deny something that I know is true? I am done protecting him. I am done living under his control and fear.


    No more.


    "Is it true?"


    I breathe out the words and they flow like soft butter "Yes, it is and if I were you, I would leave him before the same thing happens to you.''''


    Maybe my words are harsh. I mean I am telling her that the man she loves is a murderer but don''t blame me.


    "Oh¡­"


    I rest my elbows on the table. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. Like I can hear the sounds of the ac in the vents. There are no windows in this room, probably to avoid accidents, or people trying the escape. The only opening is the door we both came in through.


    "How sure are you¡­ like could you be wrong?'''' she asks me. I furrow my brows in disbelief and confusion. I can''t even believe she would ask me such a thing. I might have been a kid but I wasn''t stupid. I knew what was happening. I knew she was eventually going to kill her.


    He didn''t just wake up one day and do it. It happened gradually.


    "Why don''t you ask him yourself. I don''t have the answers you are looking for." I tell her blatantly.


    Marybelle isn''t the help that would get me out of here. I don''t see her doing that for me and Lance. She is weak, weak people never survive in John''s reigns. Mom was weak too. She didn''t stand up for herself. She let him eat her up slowly.


    It seems to me like Marybelle is the exact way. Maybe not the same, I mean, she came here to ask me all this. Maybe there is still hope for her. That is if she really wants to believe me. "I just need to know why you think he killed her.''''


    The desperation is evident in her voice. "He used to drug her¡­it always made her tired. I mean, like all the time. I watched her slowly deteriorate.'''' I guess I am going with honesty. Like what is the point of keeping all this inside. The secrets have not helped me. They only made me sicker. Maybe getting better means, letting it all out in the open.


    "Your mom had an accident.''''


    I nod.


    "I was in the car with her, I know what happened.''''


    She nods "You were just a kid, what If you misunderstood what was happening.''''


    I look at her, I knew she wasn''t going to believe me. Everyone sees me and thinks, ''oh that kid is crazy'' To her, I am just John''s crazy son. The only person she cares about and believes is her son¡ªI mean, I don''t blame her. I am nothing to her, never was and never will be.


    "I knew what was happening but if you choose not to believe, that is on you.'''' I dismiss her with those words. She remains seated for a couple of seconds. The silence nerve-wracking. I would take going back to my room than being here with her.


    "I just don''t know what to believe,'''' she breathes out so low that I almost don''t hear her but the room is too quiet not to.


    "Believe that the man you married is not really who you think,'''' that is the truth but like I said, it is up to her to believe or not. I can''t convince her that he is not who he is, she has to see it for herself.


    "I am sorry about all that is happening, I wish I could be of more help,'''' she says finally and this time she stands up from the chair.


    I celebrate internally because this visit is not the one, I wanted. I want to see Lance again; I miss him so much it is beginning to hurt.


    "You don''t have to be sorry; this is not your fault.''''


    She is as oblivious to everything just as everyone else is. I am the only one that knows the truth. I am the only one that sees him for who he is. Marybelle leaves me with no promise, not like I expected otherwise. The only person I believe in is Lance but I don''t know if he is strong enough to get me out of here.


    Once in my room¡ªor should I say, the four walls that are now my prison, one of the nurses comes in, with a smile "You have a phone call,'''' she tells me. The last time I was locked here, I couldn''t receive calls. He kept me and no one even knew where I was. It was supposed to be hush hush but now he let lance and Elliot visit and he is even letting me take calls. I don''t know what he is trying to prove but I don''t believe him for one second.


    I know he is up to no good.


    I walk with her until we get to an office. There is a landline on the table. I grab the phone and she leaves me with an annoying smile still plastered on her face.


    "Hey fighter,'''' I hear uncle Max''s voice. A smile sprawls to my face from the excitement of hearing him. I don''t know how he made this possible but he is here.


    "Uncle Max,'''' I cry into the phone.


    Going to see him was a good idea. I know I have him on my side, even though dad still has all the control. The fact that he is involved would probably terrify him.


    "How are you holding up?'''' he asks.


    I take a seat because I don''t intend to make this short. I want to tell him everything. He needs to know that dad is not the best person to have custody of me. He is a monster and I am tired of being in his reigns.


    "he wants to kill me. He is feeding me with all this medication. They make me wobbly and depressed. He wants me gone." I cry into the phone.


    I know mentally, I am not perfect but I don''t need all this medication that he is pumping into my veins.


    "He said you had a meltdown."


    I knew he would tell the whole family that, what else did I expect?


    "Can you come¡­ please,'''' I beg desperately for his intervention.


    ''''I am already at the airport; I just want you to know that you don''t have to worry about anything. I won''t let him hurt you.''''


    With his words, I know everything will be alright.

 Chapter 145 - The Surprise Visit

    John.


    "Hello.''''


    I know the tone he would have before I even hear his voice. They all think they know what is going on. Everyone wants to intervene.


    Rescue him from my claws.


    "I am on my way to see you. I don''t know what is going on but you need to get your shit together.'''' Uncle max breathes into the phone. I know he sent his kid to come and see what is going on but it didn''t even deter me.


    I wish they all believed that I know what I am doing.


    This is all for my son''s good but they already believe that I am a monster. Ford is spewing words into everyone''s mind. I wish I could explain things. Make everyone see that this is all for his own good. He is my son and I love him.


    "Why?'''' I ask wanting to know his reason for this surprise visit.


    "You really don''t know why I am coming?'''' he mutters sarcastically. Uncle maxim and I have never really gotten along. He is my father''s brother and I have always hated his guts. Somehow Ford bonded with him after he lost his mother. They became so close, and I don''t have a problem with it but him thinking he can involve himself in my parenting is where I have to stop things.


    "You are not needed here. I have everything under control,'''' I try to assure him even though I know he will still insist. The man is probably already driving to the house. It is not like he needs permission to come here. That is just how forward he is.


    "If you have everything under control, why did Ford feel the need to visit me last week?''''


    I knew he went there to complain. I knew he was up to something. This is not the first time he has bad-mouthed me. I doubt it will be the last time. As long as he still has the notion that I am the bad guy, he will never forget the past.


    "You know he is sick. He thinks differently from you and me,'''' I explain to him. I don''t know how long I will keep telling them this. Mental illness is not a joke. It is something that is not easy to understand.


    "You know you can''t keep using his bipolar disorder as an excuse. This is the height of it all John,'''' he says sternly.


    As I said, I have never really gotten along with John, he is not the best of people in my books. Maybe it is just the way he believes Ford over me. This is not the first time and I know it will not be the last.


    "He doesn''t belong in that hospital,'''' he shouts into the phone "I didn''t want to involve myself in this but at this point, you are basically abusing that boy.''''


    Abusing?


    Is he serious?


    "He needs to be in the hospital. He is a danger to himself."


    He laughs into the phone "What exactly has he done. That makes him a danger to himself. I know all about his relationship with the boy. You have no right to be this controlling."


    He is yelling at this point. Telling me that I am a bad parent¡ªeven though I am the only parent he has. "He attacked me. He tried to kill himself,'''' I breathe out those words. I didn''t want to tell anyone in the family. I didn''t want to make him out to be the bad guy. I have sheltered him for so long.


    But if he keeps involving them all, I have no choice but to do this.


    The other end of the line becomes silent. I know he is thinking about what to say. There really is nothing to say. I am not saying all this to make them judge him. He is my son. I love him with all my heart. That will never stop.


    "I am outside,'''' Uncle Max breathes.


    I knew he would do something like this. As I said, this is not the first time and this will not be the last time. I walk out of my room and to the front door. He doesn''t need to ring the doorbell. So once I open the door, he is standing outside with a man in a suit. The man is holding onto a bag. It seems like he plans on staying here.


    "John, why are you causing so much problem?'''' he asks, entering the house without me inviting him in.


    I take the blame.


    Just like I always do.


    "Uncle,'''' I stretch my arms out and he returns my hug. I haven''t seen him in a couple of months¡ªI like to avoid their side of the family. I see them, the judgment and pity in their eyes. They blame me for Luisa''s death. They always will. Hell, I blame myself too. This is all my fault. It will always be my fault.


    I handled things the wrong way and now Ford seems to think that I am the cause of her death. When he blurted out those words to me that night. I felt it in my gut. I have always known that he felt that way but hearing him say it, broke my heart to shatters. There was no wonder in my mind as to why he hated me so much. Ever since she died, he completely shut off from me. I felt it. It felt like he also shut off from the world and I blame myself. I should''ve never left her alone with him. I should have sheltered him from everything that was happening. I didn''t and now he is the way he is because of me.


    "What is going on in this house John. Don''t let me take that kid away from you,'''' he threatens me. I shake my head in disbelief. He doesn''t have the power to take him away from me. I have full custody of Ford. I don''t know what they are all thinking but I am not being cruel to him. I am doing all this for his own good.


    "I called him at the hospital,'''' he tells me.


    I furrow my brows in confusion. I know uncle Max has power. He is a very rich man which makes him think he has the right to do whatever he wants but I didn''t want him talking to anyone. Who knows what else he would tell them?


    "Why?'''' I am sure he can sense the panic in the sound of my voice.


    "Why can''t I call him?'''' he raises a brow.


    We are in the middle of the front door. The driver is still behind the door. I have not invited him in because I don''t know if he intends to stay at my house. Mary is in the bedroom. I didn''t tell her about this because I can already feel her lose trust in me. This is what he does. He drives everyone away from me. I become such a monster that no one wants to be close to me.


    "I didn''t say that. I just want to know why you would call him. He is supposed to be healing at the hospital. Calling him is a distraction. It will just take him back to before, he needs to let go of all the anger within him. He needs to move on from his mother''s death. You people are not helping him.'''' The sound of my voice is drained and weary. This is all too much for me to handle.


    The look on his face just tells me that he doesn''t believe me.


    He will never believe me over Ford.


    He loves the kid too much.


    "You said he had a meltdown. Where is the proof that he did? How come you''re the only one that keeps insisting on it.''''


    I sigh "He is not well. He doesn''t even remember trying to attack me.''''


    He laughs "What a coincidence,'''' he drawls. He faces the driver and his stance changes "Drop the bag. I will let you know if I plan on staying here.'''' The man nods and walks out of the house quietly. I lead uncle Max to the large living room. Somehow at this moment, it feels like the walls are closing in on me. It feels like I am about to be interrogated.


    "You know I love my son. I only want him to be okay,'''' I tell him.


    "You can''t just say that and lock him up in a psych ward. He is a human being. You need to treat him like one.''''


    I sigh.


    I am doing the best that I can.


    "He told me that he was a homosexual, he came all the way to my state. He took a plane, did all that to¡­ how do they say it these days. Come out of the closet."


    I nod.


    I am surprised he is okay with the fact that he is gay. If this was my time, things would have been different.


    "Why do you think he did that?'''' he asks me.


    I know the answer but I wait for him to continue "He did that because he is afraid of you. You have made your son terrified to talk to you. Do you feel good about that?''''


    I don''t.


    "Uncle, I think you need to see something. Maybe when you do, you will believe me."


    I don''t know what else to say or do.

 Chapter 146 - Saving Her

    Lance.


    Brad''s Diary (Journal)


    Dad had a talk with me today. He tried to talk to me about mom. He said there are some things that I wouldn''t understand. I don''t believe him. I have seen him talk to her. you don''t talk to someone that you love that way. You don''t grab them, you don''t yell. He hasn''t handled her in a way that lets me know that he loves her.


    Mom is still always in bed. She is still in the funk he put her in. I am pretty sure he is poisoning her. it is killing her slowly. It might not seem that way. No one else seems suspicious but I see everything. I am small enough to hide in all the corners of the house. I want to help her.


    Last night was the first time I did something. I saw him put the medicine in her cup. I knew what was next. He would fill the glass up with juice and slip the drink in. He always did that but luckily for me today, he had a call. This was my chance. I could change the glass. Make sure that he didn''t poison her. I changed the glasses. I feel so accomplished. If I keep changing the glasses. I would end up saving her.


    He wouldn''t get the chance to kill her.


    I close the book as Jack and Patrick try to whisper outside the room.


    I heard them arguing all night. They were at it all night. I don''t know what they were fighting about but it seems intense. Considering they just got together. I don''t want to be in the middle of it all.


    Makes staying here very awkward for me.


    Mom calls me again. She said she wanted to see me. I don''t know how I feel about seeing her with all that is happening but I can''t also stay in Patrick''s house forever. I don''t even know how long until I will get to be with him again.


    "Sure mom, I will come home,'''' I tell her. At this point, I am exhausted. I don''t know what else to do. Everything seems pointless. Like no matter how hard I try or push. It will only go the way it wants to go.


    "Can you just give me a chance? Let''s talk about things properly?'''' she breathes into the phone. It baffles me that after everything all she cares about is making things right with me. She might love john but to me, she has been more focused on getting things right between us. Maybe I misjudged her and I should give her a chance. There is nothing else I can do. It''s just been two days, and it feels like an eternity. I feel like I will eventually never get the chance to see him.


    It doesn''t feel like we are winning.


    "What could possibly make this right,'''' I ask her, wanting to know what she thinks will make things right between us.


    "I don''t know what I could possibly say or do. All I know is there are some things on my mind. I don''t know what to believe anymore. Just come home,'''' she pleads the desperation obvious in the tone of her voice.


    She is talking about John''s house. That will never be my home. I will never belong there. No matter what she thinks.


    "I am not going back there,'''' I reply to her.


    She sighs into the phone "I need you by my side. I can''t deal with all this alone.''''


    Neither can I but the only person I need i,s Ford. He is the only one that can make all this alright again. This is all my fault, everything that is happening is all on me.


    "I can''t. Not right now.''''


    "I went to see him.''''


    I freeze at her words. She is talking about Ford. So, she went to see him. Why did she go and what is the conclusion?


    "And?''''


    "I don''t know. He looks terrible, he said so many things that are giving me doubts.''''


    "What doubts?''''


    She sighs "Come home lance. Let''s talk about it.''''


    "I am not coming home, mom. I don''t have a home with John,'''' I tell her. I wish she would just listen to me. Understand how I feel about this whole thing.


    "Can we meet up? For dinner. Talk about everything?'''' she settles for knowing full well that I won''t go back to his mansion. I know that I can''t stay in Patrick''s house any longer. So, I will go back to my apartment for now. I still haven''t heard a word from Elliot. Everyone is basically ghosting me now. Maybe he is dealing with this in his own way.


    "Sure,'''' I agree because the more I refuse her, the more she insists.


    "Okay, I will pick you up by seven,'''' I can just imagine her smiling.


    After I end the call, another call comes in. it is from an unknown number. My mind immediately goes to Ford. He has to be the one.


    "Hello,'''' I answer the phone immediately.


    "Lance, it is Elliot. I just called to update you on things.''''


    He gave me his number. This is a different number "What happened to your phone?'''' I ask him curious to know what is happening.


    "It''s dead. I am going back home,'''' he informs me. It seems like he hasn''t done anything. What does that even mean?


    "What about Ford?'''' I ask.


    "My grandfather is sorting it out. I don''t think you have to worry about anything anymore. He is around."


    Uncle Max?


    Okay


    Suddenly this seems like progress.


    Right?


    "Is he going to talk to John? Is Ford getting out?" I ramble him with questions even though it seems like he doesn''t know anything at the moment.


    "I don''t know. He came in last night. I think he had a talk with uncle John. I don''t know the verdict though."


    Like I said. He doesn''t know shit.


    I don''t even know this uncle Max. could he possibly help Ford or is he just another family member that just wants to control him.


    It seems like his family is pretty much controlling.


    How do you lock someone against their will? The same way his father controlled his mom, he is doing the same thing to him and he literally is all alone. He has always been alone in his struggles but now he has me.


    Once I wait for this Uncle Max to get him out, if he doesn''t, I will break him out of the hell hole he is in. I won''t just sit back and let all this harm fall on him.


    "Are they going to let us see him again?''''


    "Uncle John doesn''t think frequent visits are a good idea. He said right now, Brad is in a state of paranoia. He doesn''t want us filling his head with words that will keep him in that state.''''


    I roll my eyes. Uncle John and his bullshit "You actually believe the shit he is spewing?'''' I ask.


    "I don''t know what I believe anymore. The whole thing is confusing as fuck. The man sounds like he genuinely cares about his son. I don''t even know what to believe anymore.''''


    I can see that he is being pulled to the dark side. As each day goes by, it seems like I would have to do this on my own. His grand-uncle doesn''t seem like the savior I thought he would be.


    A knock comes from the door, which gets me out of the conversation "I got to go, man,'''' I tell Elliot. He is of no use to me anymore. The fact that he is slipping to the other side just scares the crap out of me. In the span of a couple of hours, John has succeeded in confusing him enough to not know which side to be on.


    What if he does the same to Uncle Max?


    "It was really nice meeting you; I hope we see each other in a normal setting sometime in the future.''''


    I doubt that but I agree with him as Jack walks into the room. He has a frown on his face. Probably from all the fighting with Patrick.


    "What is up with you?'''' I ask him immediately.


    Maybe getting my mind off my own problems will help me.


    "Long story that I don''t even want to talk about. What happening with you?'''' he asks, jumping unto the bed.


    I stand up from the bed "It seems like I might have to break him out of the hospital.'''' I tell him, as I put the book back in my bag. I will read it all before the end of the day. Reading it just makes me sad. I don''t like to imagine how lonely he was. The things he went through.


    "Really? Has it come to that?''''


    I nod "That place is like a prison¡­the memorial hospital is pretty tight in security,'''' I lay out all my thoughts to him because jack is the only person, I can really talk to about all this. I have been thinking about it for a while. It might have to come to that and I need to be prepared.


    "The memorial hospital?" he blinks.


    I nod.


    "Eren''s cousin works as a nurse there. Breaking in might not be so hard.''''


    Holy shit.

 Chapter 147 - Defeated

    Ford.


    "How are you feeling today Brad?'''' Dr. Mathew asks with that fucking notepad still in his grip. I rest my back on the couch. Today is even worse than the last session.


    I don''t have anything to say to him today. The last session made me feel like I was crazy. I know I am not crazy. I don''t know how dad knew but I didn''t tell him anything. I didn''t accuse him of anything.


    "You know you don''t have to say anything. We can just sit here and not say anything. Whatever you want is fine with me.''''


    As usual, he is being manipulating. Trying to patronize me so that I will respond to him but I have already made up my mind. Uncle Max said he was going to get me out. I don''t need their treatment again. I don''t need anything from my father, I don''t need anything from my therapist. The only person I need now is Lance. Once I get out, I will find him. He is the only one that matters. I am done living my life for my father.


    I am done being in his reigns.


    The control he has over me is going to be cut.


    "I take it this place is doing the same thing it does to you.'''' This time I look at him, I want to know what he wants to say.


    What is this place doing to me?


    Even though my attention is now on him, I don''t say a word. I wait for him to continue his solo conversation.


    "I get it brad. Completely know how you feel."


    Oh, he has no clue as to how I feel. In a million years, he can never know how I feel. This is probably what he would say to all his patients. He will try to make them think he understands us. He is here to help me.


    This is his job.


    He wants to cure the mentally disabled kid.


    "You feel like this is a prison. You are being held here against your will.''''


    At least he got that right. I AM being held here against my will. This is basically kidnapping if I must say. "but this is not a permanent situation. You will be out of here soon enough¡­"


    I wait for those words. you know. The words that they always say "As long as you cooperate in letting us help you get better.''''


    There we go.


    Those are the words I am talking about. If you don''t cooperate. You might never leave. He doesn''t say it but I know he is thinking about it. That is how this works. If you feel you don''t need saving and you show it to them, they will keep you here forever. So you either just pretend you''re getting better or you stay in this hell hole forever.


    That is what I did the last time.


    I pretended.


    Now I don''t have to. Uncle Max is going to get me out of here. I am so sure about it. He is the only one I trust in my family. He promised and I believe he will get me out of this.


    We sit in the silence for about fifteen minutes and I see him give up. I see the frustration in his eyes as he drops the notepad and manages a faint smile "It was nice sitting here with you Brad,'''' he says finally.


    I want to laugh at him and his desperation to get into my head but I also don''t want to taunt him. Like I said, at the end of the day. This is his job. This is what he is paid to do.


    I can''t fault him for doing his job.


    "See you again tomorrow."


    ********************


    "Hey kiddo,'''' Manuel, one of the male nurses walks into my room. There is a mischievous look on his face. The kind that is suspicious. He is dressed in the blue nurse''s attire and crocks. His hair is curly on his head.


    "I am about to do something so fucked up. Promise me I will not regret this,'''' he glares at me with the guilty look on his face. He is talking to me so casually; I don''t even really know him. The highest he has done for me is to bring me my lunch.


    "Is something wrong?'''' I ask him.


    He shakes his head and then looks around the room. I don''t know what he is looking for "I want to show you something in the bathroom,'''' he nudges his head in the direction of my bathroom. His eyes stop at the cameras on the roof. The one that makes me know that I am really being watched.


    The bathroom is the only place that doesn''t have cameras.


    He walks into the bathroom and I sit up on the bed. The confusion is evident on my face. I don''t know what the fuck is going on. I mean, this could be some sort of test. Maybe to prove that I am crazy. That is why I am here.


    Everyone wants to help the crazy kid.


    Even with all my thoughts, I walk into the bathroom. The bathroom is small, so we are face to face. He reaches inside his pocket and brings out a phone. I don''t know what is happening. I don''t know why he is helping but I want to know.


    "You can''t tell anyone about this. This has to be between us¡­ or I could lose my job.'''' He glares at me.


    I nod my head immediately because I don''t even plan on telling anyone. I am not even talking to my doctor anymore. He dials a number and passes the phone to me. when I hear his voice, all the worry in my mind dissipates.


    I don''t know how he did this but I am eternally grateful.


    "Lance,'''' I breathe out his name, all the nerves that have been eating at my chest all day flush out.


    "Hey Boxer thief,'''' he calls me by the name he gave me. I can''t help but look at my tattoo. The one he chose for me.


    "Are you okay?'''' I can''t help but ask.


    "Yes¡­are you?''''


    "Yes, just so tired of all this. No one is doing anything.''''


    I nod "My Uncle is working on it.'''' I assure him because that is the only hope I have left. If this fails. I will have nothing else.


    "If he doesn''t do anything?''''


    I shake my head because I am not going to think negatively. There is still hope. I don''t want to bring negative energy into the universe. I don''t want to ruin this by thinking ill thoughts. I wish he would do the same.


    "No what ifs. Just believe that this will work. He assured me. he made a promise. I have to believe him."


    "Manuel is Eren''s cousin. We are going to break you out of there if this fails.'''' He announces proudly.


    I know this is something that he can do. I don''t put it past him but I also want to believe that this won''t come to this. I look up at Manuel and he is watching me closely. Like I will somehow, run out of here with his phone. Even the person that is supposed to be helping doesn''t trust me.


    "It won''t come to that,'''' I assure him.


    "I promise I will get you out of there,'''' he chooses to ignore my promise. He is focused on saving me and I don''t fault him. I want to be saved by him. If it comes to that, I will follow him blindly.


    We end the call and Manuel leaves like he never even came to my room. The evidence of the phone call left with me alone.


    The door opens again. This is the second visit in less than thirty minutes. This time, it is another nurse. She smiles "You have a visitor.'''' She informs me.


    All my hope goes to my Granduncle.


    He is supposed to get me out of here.


    "Who?'''' I ask her.


    She looks away from me and I follow her out of the room. We head to the direction of the visiting room. The same one that I have been in. once the door is open, I see him. Uncle max. in a rush, I enter the room wanting to know if he is here to get me out.


    "Hey kiddo,'''' he stands up from the chair.


    I don''t know what it is but the expression on his face is not forthcoming. Something is wrong. He is not here to get me out. I stop before I can even get close to him. My heart is racing. This is the only person I have on my side. If he is not on my side anymore.


    I am fucking screwed.


    "What did he tell you,'''' I exclaim already feeling terrified.


    He sighs loudly, grabbing onto his jacket "Why don''t you sit down and we can talk about it.'''' He tells me. all I have been doing is sitting and listening to people.


    I am tired of sitting.


    "He got to you,'''' I mutter.


    That is the only reason why he has this defeated expression on his face.


    I am screwed.

 Chapter 148 - Abandoned

    Ford.


    "Uncle max.''''


    My tone is desperate.


    I already know that he is here with bad news. He is not getting me out of here. He is here to tell me that.


    "He got to you too,'''' I state.


    He shakes his head immediately and tries to grab my hands in his. I pull away from him because, from this moment, he will be a traitor to me. I put all my hopes in him. I really believed he was going to get me out of this mess but now, he let my father mislead him.


    "I think your father is right. I think he is doing this for your own good,'''' he tells me like it even makes any fucking sense.


    "Locking me up when I haven''t done anything is for my own good?'''' I ask him, wanting to know his logic behind this. He said he was going to get me out of this. He was supposed to talk to dad. That was the agreement.


    "I know this seems like the end of the world. You know I am always on your side. You know I will always do what is best for you. I want you to continue trusting me.''''


    His words have no effect on me. "Do you believe him? Do you think I belong here?'''' I ask.


    He sighs "This is not about believing anybody. I want you to stay here for a week. Be open to getting the help you need. I want to watch your progress myself. Can you do that for me?" his voice is pleading. His eyes are trying to draw me in but I don''t even know what I think anymore.


    "You think I am sick,'''' I settle on those words because that is exactly what he is saying. He thinks there is something wrong with me. he went to my dad and somehow the man convinced him that I am sick.


    "No,'''' he denies.


    "Then why aren''t you getting me out of here?'''' I stand up from the chair and for just a second, I see him flinch. He tries to hide it but it is too late. He is scared of me. he thinks I am going to hurt him.


    "You need to get help, Ford. This will be good for you.'''' He announces like he knows something that I don''t.


    "What did I do that was so wrong? I just wanted Lance. Does that make me sick?'''' I shout. It feels like the walls are shaking. I feel like they have crumbled all over me and shattered me into pieces.


    They want me to stay here indefinitely just because I love someone. How is that even fair? Why do I deserve this kind of punishment? I think talking about this is now a waste of time. There is nothing I can say that will make him change his mind. He has already made up his mind.


    "That is not what this is about son. You know I will only do what is best for you."


    I look at him, unsure of what else to say. I don''t even know how Lance is going to take this. he thinks Uncle Max is the hero. The person that will help us through this but now, it seems like there is no hope again. I am stuck here until my father thinks I have stayed long enough.


    "So, this is best for me. locking me up because I am gay.''''


    He sighs "That is not why you are in here.''''


    "Why am I in here?''''


    He looks away from me.


    I look away too. Waiting for his response is exhausting. I can''t just sit here and let him tell me that there is something wrong with me when I know I am fine. I know that this is all a plot against me for my father to continue controlling me. I just can''t convince him. there is nothing more to say to him.


    "You have to trust me. can you do that?''''


    I keep my eyes away from him. He can''t give me a reason. There is no point in continuing this conversation.


    "Just a week. I will be speaking to your doctors all through. I won''t stop checking up on you.'''' He assures me but it is of no help to me.


    "Okay,'''' I blurt out uninterested in this anymore.


    We stay in the room for a couple of minutes, in complete silence. I want him to leave because there is nothing more to say. "I will always be on your side,'''' he says as he stands up and walks out of the room. I stay on the chair even after the door closes with a loud thud. I am completely dumbfounded by this moment. I have no words to express how I am feeling. The numbness that I tried to put away comes storming in. the demons shouting to me, telling me they told me so. It all completely devours me and there is nothing I can do to feel better.


    I feel nothing.


    "Come on,'''' I feel the hand on my shoulder. I didn''t even know anyone was in here. Looking up, I see Manuel. The guy that is supposed to be Lance''s friend''s cousin. This is like the third time I have noticed him. Why am I seeing him a lot today? I don''t want to see anyone. I just want to be alone. That is what I deserve.


    "Can I just stay here?''''


    He shakes his head, the pity in his eyes "you know I can''t leave you here. You should get to bed. It is pretty late.'''' He mutters calmly.


    I stand up from the chair and he leads me back to my room "You know, people here are not the monsters you think.'''' He says once I am in bed and under the covers. I rest my back on the mattress until I am looking up at the ceiling. The plain beige walls taunting me. telling me that this is my new home. I might not get to lie down next to Lance. Hold him in my arms. Kiss him.


    What if he moves on?


    Falls in love with someone else?


    The thoughts run through my mind.


    They will eat me up until there is nothing left inside of me.


    Until I am nothing.


    ***************************


    Maxime.


    "I won''t be coming home yet,''''


    "Why sir,'''' Phillip my assistant asks through the phone.


    I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I didn''t expect to feel so defeated. I still feel that way, knowing I can''t help the kid¡ªor rather, this is the only way he can get the help he needs. If I take him out of the hospital, he might just end up hurting himself.


    "I need to stay for Ford. He needs me here for now. Once I make sure he is okay, I will come back home.''''


    He sighs into the phone "Do you need me with you, sir. I can take the next flight.''''


    Phillip does everything for me, "No, It should be a week at least. Once I am sure he is okay. I will be right back.''''


    "Okay, sir."


    I end the call and look out the window of the car. His face when I left, it makes me feel even worse but there is actually nothing I can do or say to convince him that this is for his own good. The video john showed me, opened my eyes. I couldn''t believe what I saw. In my mind, I thought it could be doctored. He wanted me to see what he saw and what he saw was not pretty. Ford actually needs the help his father is giving him. This is not just some vindictive plan of his. He is not doing this to control him. I hate to side with John. I have never really liked him. I just felt obligated to him because he is after all my brothers'' child. After his father died, I had to be like a father to him, even though he didn''t need it. Ford on the other hand was easy to love. I loved being around the kid. I wanted to take care of him. After his mother died, I vowed to always protect him. I vowed to let his fate be different.


    He knew he could trust me but the look he gave me today just showed me that that trust he had for me has been severed. I hate that it has to happen like this but eventually if he is willing to get help. If he is willing to accept the help that the doctors want to give him. He will see the truth.


    "Change the address," I tell my chauffeur. He looks at me through the rearview mirror. It is late. I should just go home and call it a night but I need to make this stop first.


    "Where to sir.''''


    The one person I should have paid a visit to.


    The only person Ford actually listens to.

 Chapter 149 - Whatever It Takes

    Lance.


    After the phone call. I think of how this will work. I am already thinking of worst-case scenarios. I don''t know how this is going to turn out but Ford seems to think that his uncle will be the help we need.


    Something about the whole thing is bothering me.


    The unknown is driving me insane.


    "Yo, dude. Are you actually thinking about breaking the guy out of a hospital?'''' Eren asks me with disbelief in his eyes.


    It is not settled. These are just my thoughts. I am wondering if it is possible. We wanted to run away together. That was the plan before his father locked him up. That is what I want to stick to. That plan to get him out of the mess that I put him through. no one can tell me that this isn''t my fault. Everything that led to this moment is my fault. The relationship¡ªI am the one that pushed for it. The secret¡ªI am the one that said we should. He tried to be strong and refuse me but I ended up seducing him into this. the tape¡ªI am the one that made him have sex with me in school. I am the cause of all his demise and he is the one suffering for it. I just need to figure out a way to get him out of this.


    "Can Manuel do something? Maybe get us in. I will do the rest.''''


    Jack coughs nervously. I know he is about to object to this. he doesn''t think this is a good idea. He hasn''t said anything but I know him. "What?'''' I ask him, waiting for his negativity. I know he is going to try to be the rational one, but right now. I don''t need rational.


    I need my best friend to be on my side.


    "Nothing, I just think,'''' he pauses. There we go. Like I said. He will try to talk me out of this. Eren seems to be on my side right now. Please don''t turn your back on me, Jack.


    "You just think what?'''' I ask with an eye roll and a huff.


    "Why don''t we just wait. I mean, he just told you his uncle was going to get him out. Shouldn''t we wait until he can''t?''''


    I want to wait but I also want to be prepared. I don''t want an ambush situation. I don''t want to end up losing him all because of the people that are supposed to be his parents. The people that he is supposed to rely on failed him.


    I am not talking about physically losing him¡ªI am talking about mentally losing him. Ford is not strong enough. Keeping him in that hospital will only make him lose his mind. I don''t want that to happen before they all realize their mistakes.


    Before it is too late.


    ''''I can''t wait any longer. I at least need to know there is a way I can do this if his uncle fails us.'''' I cry out my pain. I am frustrated and it is getting to me.


    "It can work. It will be pretty easy for him to get us inside.''''


    My attention shifts away from jack and to Eren. He seems to be the only one giving me what I need right.


    "Your phone is ringing,'''' Jack pipes up just as I am about to ask Eren how we can manage it. If this is a possibility. I will break him out of that prison that his father put him and we will run away together.


    I pick up my phone and it is another unknown number. "Hello,'''' I answer the phone immediately.


    "Lance Wellbon.'''' The voice is calm. I recognize him immediately even though I don''t know him.


    "Uncle Max,'''' I breathe out his name. this is the moment I have been waiting for. There are two ways this will go. One, he will tell me that he helped him. Ford is free. Two. He didn''t do anything.


    "I am outside your apartment building."


    I jump up from the couch. In my heart. I am hoping he is here with good news. If Ford was with him, he would have come up. There wouldn''t be a need for this call. So, something must have gone wrong. This is me thinking of the worst-case scenario again. I am supposed to have dinner with mom now, I don''t feel up for it. Especially with everything that is happening. If I cancel, she will panic again. She will call and pester. I don''t even know what to do.


    "I''ll be down in a second,'''' I tell him before ending the call.


    My two friends are watching me with curious eyes. They are in this with me even if they don''t realize it. Once I get back up, we will know what to do next. I just really hope it doesn''t have to come to that. For once, I wish things will just go my way. I wish we can just be together without all these problems.


    "His granduncle is downstairs,'''' I explain to them.


    "The one that is supposed to help?'''' Eren asks.


    I nod immediately "I''ll just go to him. Hear what he has to say. know what I will have to do." This is just me telling them that they need to be prepared for the worst-case scenario. This doesn''t seem like good news. I feel weird in my heart.


    Like his pain is in me right now.


    Does that even make any sense?


    "Alright dude, we''ve got you.'''' They both assure me. I didn''t need it because I know that they do. They are my friends¡ªmy ride or die.


    I get downstairs and his car is evident in my parking lot. The shiny BMW calls out to everyone in the whole neighborhood. Anyone that sees the car, will know that it doesn''t belong here. The windows are tinted but once I stop in front of the backseat. They slide down revealing an old man. "Get in,'''' he tells me, before winding the window back up. I don''t know this man. I have had one call with him. This could be a mistake. Entering a car when you don''t even know the person but it involves Ford. He is my priority. The most important person to me and it has to do with him. So, I have to.


    I run over to the other side of the car and open the door. He raises a brow at me as I enter. "Hello Lance,'''' he breathes out. I take a closer look at him. Mr. Max is old. Like really old but he also looks young. I don''t know if that makes sense. His hair is completely grey his eyes are blue. He looks like he has aged well. Maybe it is all the money his family has.


    "Hello sir,'''' I stutter nervously.


    I wish he would get to the point. Tell me what he is going to do about Ford. Is he going to leave him there or fucking save him?


    "Call me Max,'''' he smiles and even his teeth are perfect.


    "Okay, Max.''''


    He smiles "Are you hungry, you don''t mind if we go for dinner. I haven''t eaten anything all day,'''' it is a question but somehow feels like a demand. He seems like the kind of person that wouldn''t take no for an answer. I wish he would just get to the point. Tell me if ford is okay. What the fuck is going on.


    "Sure,'''' I agree in defeat because I am going to kiss his ass if I have to.


    We get to a restaurant called Bambini. It is Italian and very close to my house. This is one of the places I wouldn''t be caught dead inside. Expensive places that I can''t even afford. After settling inside, he faces me "I know you have questions."


    I nod.


    He smiles "I need to know that you are rational Lance. Before we have this conversation. I don''t want you thinking blindly because of the love you have for Brad."


    Deep down, I knew. I felt it in my bones that this conversation wouldn''t be good. I watch him as he cuts down on his steak. It feels like he is cutting Ford''s heart into the pieces of the meat. He is betraying him.


    "You''re not helping him,'''' I conclude.


    "Lance, I want you to listen to me. listen before you react. Can you do that?" he asks me. his expression is solemn. I have already made up my mind. If he is not on Ford''s side anymore. I will do this on my own. I am not going to sit down and listen to all this bullshit. All the adults in our life think they can just control us¡ªmake us do things the way they want.


    I won''t take it.


    "Okay,'''' I lie.


    He smiles "Great, so I had a talk with his father. The man is not the best person. In fact, he is basically what I would call a spoiled brat,'''' he smiles like he has said the funniest thing ever.


    I just want him to get to the point.


    "He showed me something that made me see things from his side. You remember that Ford is not well.''''


    I fold my hands into fists under the table. I hate that word. I hate that this is always their reason. He is not well. He deserves to be locked up.


    I don''t want to listen to this.

 Chapter 150 - Just A Week.

    Lance.


    This dinner seems like an eternity.


    I don''t even want to be here anymore.


    Listening to this old fart talk about Ford like he is some sort of sick person is getting to me. I know he has his flaws. He is battling his demons but I also don''t think he deserves to be locked in that facility.


    He hasn''t done anything to deserve that.


    In the past month, I have spent the most time with him. I know him more than his father thinks he does. Ford is not dangerous. He is not a monster. He is not a danger to himself. He just wants to be free. He wants the right to love me. he wants that happiness that we can get together.


    "What are you saying?'''' I ask.


    I have been watching him eat for a couple of minutes. He seems hungry. I mean, he could have just eaten something instead of dragging me for this dinner. Whatever he has to say could''ve been said in the car.


    "Give me a week to sort things out. Let us see how he responds to the treatment.''''


    I furrow my brows "Why does he need treatment? What exactly has he done that warrants him being locked up.''''


    "Did Brad ever tell you about me?'''' he asks at the same time taking another bite.


    I look away from him and my food. The chicken is untouched. He is not going to get me to eat this meal. Slowly, my eyes dart back to him "He never had the chance."


    Ford left for a week. He left me alone to see this man. This was the man that was supposed to be our saving grace. I don''t want to think it because Ford probably trusted him enough to believe that he would help. Seeing things now, I know I am the only one that would do anything for him. I am the only one that genuinely wants to protect him. I am the only one that truly loves him unconditionally and irrevocably.


    He nods after my answer. He drops his cutlery on the table and wipes his mouth with the napkin, slowly taking a sip of his red wine. I watch him, trying to be as patient as I can. It is almost like a part of me knew that things would go wrong. I made up my mind on getting him out of the mess he is in. I am going to break him out of that hospital. I will not let him suffer. So no matter what this man says, I will do things my way. He will not convince me to sit back while Ford dies slowly in that place.


    Never.


    "I love the kid so much. You have no idea how much.''''


    I roll my eyes. If he really loves him, he wouldn''t let him suffer the way he is. He wouldn''t listen to John. he would fight for him.


    "Brad''s mother was just like him. She was just as emotional and temperamental." He tells me. The only thing I know about his mother is from the journal. Ford never told me about her. now I know why.


    The whole thing with his mother is messed up. Her death now seems suspicious and like I said to Ford. He is the only one I believe.


    He is the only one I will ever believe.


    "Brad is not a lost cause like her. there is still a chance to save him.''''


    Lost cause?


    How do you call someone a lost cause?


    "Save him from what? He hasn''t done anything." I defend him because that is my job. To always defend him against people like this. people that stop believing in him.


    "Save him from himself.''''


    He is not a danger to himself. He hasn''t done anything that makes me think he is. There is no proof of all his words.


    "He won''t hurt himself. He promised me,'''' I try to give him an assurance but from the sigh that leaves his lips, I know he has already made up his mind. He didn''t come here to get my opinion on anything. He wants to convince me to do nothing. He wants me to sit back and watch things play out like he is doing.


    "His father will never stop. He will never let him be free.''''


    "John is not the best person on the planet. I don''t even trust him right now but I trust the evidence. I trust the things that I see and from everything, I know brad needs the hospital."


    "What exactly do you see? What evidence?" I sit up on the chair with my elbows on the table. I want to know what makes him think he is right about this.


    "Lance, I know you are a reasonable person. Listen to me and listen to me well. Do not interfere in this. I will handle it. I will make sure nothing happens to him. I will make sure he is safe."


    His voice is firm and stern. This is basically his warning. Now he is not asking me to back off. He is telling me not to get involved.


    "I can''t.''''


    He sighs "I know you love him. I know he loves you too. I just need him to be well before whatever you people have can continue. His safety is paramount to me."


    He sounds so believable. Almost convincing but I can''t back down now. I won''t let them continue to hurt him. I will not give up.


    I look up at him and he is still watching me. waiting for me to agree with him or at least tell him that I will obey his commands. I will do no such thing but I can also act as if I will.


    "Okay sir,'''' I manage, giving him the lie that he craves.


    All through this meeting, he hasn''t told me anything sensible. He said he had evidence. What evidence.


    "Can I know what he did? The proof that made you see that the hospital was the best bet?'''' I ask him because I need to know.


    There is a part of me that actually feels like he genuinely wants to help him. He might be misguided but it seems like he is sincere. He wouldn''t lie to me if there actually wasn''t any evidence.


    John must have planted something, that got him on his side. That is the only way. I mean this man came all the way, to help Ford. He wouldn''t just switch sides so easily.


    "Brad was trying to run away.''''


    I raise a brow "I was going to do the same thing; does that mean I am crazy too?''''


    He frowns "Let me finish please.''''


    I nod.


    "The CCTV in their house caught the interaction. Brad didn''t take his father''s refusal well.''''


    "What do you mean?''''


    There is a video?


    "You don''t need to know the details. I don''t want your views of him to change. He needs you to keep seeing him the way you have. All you need to know is, the video didn''t shed him in a good light."


    "What if it was doctored? It is possible. Video editing.'''' To me, this doesn''t make any sense. They can''t just mention a video and just expect me to go along with them. I won''t believe this.


    He sighs "I had the video analyzed. You need to understand that I love Brad. He is like a son to me. I will not let anything happen to him. Once you grasp that you will believe all the things I am saying.''''


    What the fuck does that even mean.


    If he loves him, he will let him come home.


    "Okay.''''


    I have already made up my mind. I don''t need to listen to them and everything they have to say. Mr. Maxime genuinely cares about Ford but he isn''t handling things the right way.


    He isn''t doing what is best for him.


    "Promise me you will give me a week," he pleads. I nod, even though deep down I know I wouldn''t do that. A week in that place can make him worse. I won''t let them kill him before his time.


    "Thank you." He smiles and gestures to the food on my plate "Will you eat now?''''


    I nod and grab the fork, slowly taking a bite of the chicken. Once we finish our food. He drives me back to my apartment, assuring me that I can visit Ford as much as I want. I smile and nod, making him think all I will do is obey all his commands. That is far from what I have in mind. I must get him out of there. I have to make sure he is safe and happy. He said I am his only source of happiness and they have kept him away from me.


    I need him back in my arms.


    I need him smiling again.


    Once inside my apartment, I dial Eren''s number and he answers on the first ring.


    "Remember when you lied to your mom about her car and I took the fall for it?'''' I start with that immediately.


    "You are about to bribe me,'''' he settles.


    I sigh "You said you would pay me back in tenfold. Well now is the time.''''


    I have to break him out.

 Chapter 151 - Trust Me

    Jack.


    We have been fighting.


    Okay, maybe not fighting. Things have been weird between us since that night. He doesn''t want to trust me and I don''t know what else I can say or do to prove to him that I am on his side. He has something that is bothering him. It must be something big.


    Something that I want to know.


    It has been two days since Lance went back to his apartment. He could probably tell that things are weird between us and if I know my best friend, he wouldn''t want to be an intrusion.


    I have also noticed that Trick seems to be spending more time at work. He talked about moving. I don''t want to move. My dad is still here and I need to be checking on him. He might hate my guts but I still want to make sure he is alive. He has to live long enough to see me make something of myself.


    This move that trick wants, it doesn''t seem like it will just be once. He is running away from something, and as long as that thing keeps chasing him, he will keep running.


    I would have been on his case if lance''s drama hasn''t been so overwhelming. It has completely taken over my life because It is pretty serious. Ford is still in the hospital. It doesn''t seem like needs to be there. This just seems like a vindictive plan by his father.


    To me, it seems like he is winning.


    I hate when the bad guys win.


    I woke up this morning and he wasn''t in bed. Patrick never leaves without telling me. today, he just up and left. I know he is trying to avoid me. I wish he would just tell me to leave his house. I mean that is the best way to avoid someone. Why bother tiptoeing around me.


    I hate that he can''t just trust me.


    I am like the most trusting person. I mean, nothing screams untrustworthy about me. is he scared that I will judge him?


    It''s been a couple of hours since he snuck out of his own apartment. Staying in his room, eating his food, it all seems weird now. There is a part of me that feels off about the whole situation. His mother hasn''t come back to the apartment. I kind of wished she would. Maybe she would give me the explanations that he doesn''t want to.


    That night, after we talked. He hushed me up. Indirectly telling me that the conversation was over. I wanted it to continue. I still have so many questions but for two days, I haven''t even had a normal conversation with him.


    I leave the apartment and go down to the convenience store outside the apartment. Fred looks up from the counter as I grab a couple of beers from the fridge "your dad?'''' he asks. I usually get beer for my dad but this time, it is for me. it seems like a good idea to get drunk and just forget about everything. I don''t want to keep overthinking. Worrying that something terrible happened to Trick and there is nothing I can do to help him get out of the situation.


    "Yeah,'''' I lie as I pay for the drinks and go out of the store.


    Once outside, the cool air hits me and it feels very nice. I know drinking during the day is not a good idea but I just really need to get wasted.


    "Excuse me.''''


    I turn around and a middle-aged woman is standing by the curb, peering at me. she is dressed in a beige flower print cotton dress and flip flops. There is a shawl around her shoulders and her hair is let down, messily if I must say. I don''t know who this is but it seems like she knows who I am.


    "Me?'''' I ask in confusion.


    She manages a smile "You are Patrick''s friend¡­right?"


    Oh, this could be who I think it is. His mother, the woman that stopped by that day. How does she know me?


    He said I shouldn''t talk to her.


    I wish I had the courage to walk away from her right now but I am so curious that is it beginning to mess up with my relationship with him. I am sure if I know what it is and can show him that I don''t think any differently about him, things will get better.


    "yes,'''' I manage.


    She takes a step closer towards me and I watch her as she stops in front of me "I need your help," with those words, she grabs my hands in hers and squeezes it gently "Can you help me?''''


    I don''t know what she wants but I nod anyway "I need to talk to my son. Can you bring him to me?''''


    Her request is outrageous, she can''t possibly expect me to force him to see her. he doesn''t want to see her.


    "You can''t refuse me. please help me,'''' there is desperation crawling out of her voice. I can''t promise to help her because Trick will never forgive me if I ambush him in this kind of way.


    "He doesn''t want to see you,'''' I tell her honestly.


    She shakes her head "You have to help me. you have to get him to see me. I need to talk to him, urgently.''''


    "Will you tell me what is wrong?''''


    "I need to find my husband. Patrick knows where he is. Help me please.'''' Tears fall out of her eyes. This has me confused because it seems like Trick ran away from home. What made him run away?


    "He wouldn''t listen to me. Trick has a mind of his own,'''' she furrows her brows in confusion, in between sniffs. "Patrick,'''' I correct myself.


    "help me set up a meeting. I will handle the rest.''''


    This is not a good idea. It doesn''t even feel like a good idea but I don''t know what to do. She is begging me; she is desperate and crying and it will be terrible of me to ignore her right now.


    "Are you here with good intentions. Do you have any plans of hurting him?''''


    I know she could lie. I mean, I have a shitty parent. I just don''t know if his mother is one too. She seems a wreck right now. Almost like I am her last hope and I don''t want to disappoint her right now but Trick is my priority. He is the only one that should matter and maybe if I give him the closure he needs from this woman, things will get better.


    "I just need to talk to him. Give me the chance to meet him. He wouldn''t answer my calls.''''


    "okay. I will try. Just come by his apartment by seven.'''' I tell her. this might be a mistake. He might not talk to me after this but I have to at least try. Since he wouldn''t even talk to me.


    "Thank you so much,''''


    I leave her with the promise that I hope I will not regret.


    I spend the rest of the day in his apartment, waiting for him to come home. At exactly seven-thirty, he comes home. I am seated on the couch when he walks in. I see the shock on his face¡ªor maybe regret to see me waiting for him. I don''t even know what is going on anymore. Things were good between us but now it seems like there is a huge wall in front of us and no matter what I do, I can''t get through to him.


    "Hi.'''' I walk up to him, wanting a little bit of affection.


    He stands in the middle of his living room; he doesn''t hold me. even though it is pretty obvious that is what I was going for. "Are you avoiding me?'''' I ask immediately, wanting to know if he wants me away.


    "No,'''' he shakes his head immediately.


    "Then hold me,'''' I plead. I guess his contact means a lot more to me than I thought. I am not the clingy type. I can understand when someone needs space but I don''t want to give him any space right now.


    He takes a deep breath and then a step towards me. now we are as close I will like to be. His arms wrap around me and for the first time since his mother''s visit, I feel the connection. I feel the calmness that comes with him. "I am sorry I have been too distant. I guess my mother''s visit took a toll on me." he breathes into my ear. Communication sounds like music to my ears.


    I wish he would just talk to me.


    "I know it must be a lot, I know I am a lot but I am here for you through it all. You can trust me.''''


    "I know. I completely trust you."


    I hope he doesn''t go back on his words once she gets here. Maybe this is not the best way to go with this but there is no going back now.

 Chapter 152 - I Love You

    Patrick.


    He has been the best through my withdrawal.


    I don''t mean to push him away.


    I am doing this because I am a coward and I don''t like that I am keeping all this from him. I want to tell him the truth but I am so fucking scared.


    She hasn''t come to look for me again after that day, so maybe she wouldn''t bother me again. Who am I kidding? Now that she has found me, she will not leave. She will make sure she ruins me.


    I go into the shower, hearing Jack rummaging through the house. He has been weird. Okay, maybe not weird but extra supportive. Like, he is supposed to be pissed at me for the way I have been acting. I am being the opposite of who I wanted to be. I wanted to be open, tell him the truth but I guess at the end of the day, I am a coward. I am too scared to even tell him the truth.


    Once I am done with my shower, I stand in front of the mirror. I haven''t slept a wink since she came. Lying next to Jack helped a lot but all the thoughts of the past keep coming back. Even though all I want to leave it all behind.


    I hear voices through the door. They are hushed but more than one voice. maybe lance is back. Jack said he was going back to his apartment. Maybe he changed his mind and is back. I open the door to my bathroom and I recognize the voice immediately.


    "He is in the bathroom, just give me a second to talk to him,'''' jack whispers quietly.


    What the fuck is he doing?


    Why would he let her into my house?


    "You haven''t told him?'''' she half yells. This is her way of being quiet, I can hear her clearly. I walk out of the bathroom and put on my closed immediately. I don''t want to be pissed at jack but right now, I am beyond pissed.


    "Why did you do this?'''' I direct at Jack immediately I walk out to the living room. He opens his eyes wide; I don''t know if it is shock or guilt but whatever it is, I don''t care.


    "I can explain,'''' he tries to defend himself.


    "You need to leave, I don''t ever want to see you,'''' I face the woman I am supposed to call my mother. The woman that never gave a shit about me. here she is, after a whole year and I am sure she has questions.


    Questions that I will never answer.


    "Patrick,'''' she walks over to me and grabs my arm in her grip. It is rough, the way she always used to. The way he used to.


    "Let go of me," I warn her with a glare. This is all jack''s fault. I don''t know how I feel about this setup.


    "Tell me where he is, you can''t continue this forever,''''


    "I don''t know where he is. I left¡­remember?''''


    I glance at Jack. He looks very guilty. He should be. I don''t even know how I will handle this. if he did this, that means I can''t trust him.


    Maybe he doesn''t trust me. I mean, I told him to have a little faith in me but he chose to go behind my back and ambush me.


    "You know damn well that you know what happened to him. I am going to find out and when I do, I will make sure you pay for it,'''' she lets go of me and walks over to the door. This is her way of threatening me. I watch her walk to the front door. He grabs the handle and slowly turns around "thank you jack for this,'''' with those words, she walks out of the apartment and I am left with the one person I should trust but betrayed me.


    The silence in the room gets to me. I can feel him watching me. I don''t have anything to say to him because I am pissed off. I am upset with him. I can''t get over the fact that he would do this to me.


    Taking slow strides, I walk to the room. Right now, I might say something I will regret if I talk to him. I hear his footsteps as they follow me into the room "Now is not a good time. I don''t want to talk about it,'''' I warn him.


    "let me explain,'''' he tries.


    I turn around and regret it instantly. His eyes pierce into mine. They dig deep in that part that tells me he loves me. he didn''t do this to hurt me. in his mind, he probably thought this was a way to help.


    Even though that is by far what he did.


    He didn''t help matters.


    In fact, he just made things worse.


    He has no clue.


    "Not right now.''''


    He sighs and then runs his hands through his hair. He is not going to make this easy for me. I need a little space to think about the next step. What the hell I am going to do. "You can''t close off on me right now.''''


    I shake my head "I am not closing off. I don''t want to talk about this because if I do, I might say something that will make things worse.''''


    "Say it. anything that will make you talk to me. I hate this silence.''''


    "I needed space. All I asked for was space and you couldn''t even give me that. How do you expect me to fucking trust you?''''


    Okay, this is what I wanted to avoid. I didn''t want to yell at him but since we are here. There is no going back. I am going to let him know how I feel. I don''t appreciate him involving himself in my business.


    "You can trust me. I just needed you to let me in.'''' he reaches for me but I shift away before he can grab me.


    "Don''t fucking touch me right now," I warn him. I can''t handle all this. I need to leave; I need to leave this town and this life. I can''t explain anything to him right now. I don''t even want to look at him.


    "I am sorry, she sprung up on me downstairs. She was crying, she said she wanted to make things right. That she needed to talk to you.''''


    I scoff. He is not getting himself off this "So, even though I told you to back off. Even though I told you that I will talk to you when I was ready. You chose to trust the woman I said you shouldn''t."


    He shakes his head "I didn''t trust her, I thought you would want to see her. I thought I could help your relationship with her. I wanted to make things right."


    "You made things fucking worse. Please just get out.''''


    "No, I am not leaving."


    I walk away from the room, and out to the living room. If he doesn''t want to leave, I will leave the apartment for him. A lot is going on in my head. I am panicking. Like I always do when it involves them.


    She is looking for him.


    She has been looking for him since I ran away.


    She must know something. Or else she wouldn''t be here with so much confidence. I grab a pair of sneakers and start to put them on. He grabs me once I am done. His eyes pleading with so much desperation. He is not going to get me to stay. I need to leave. I need to get the hell out of here.


    "stop trick. This is not right. I know I upset you but I can''t let you leave. I can''t let you hate me when I love you so much.'''' He cries.


    I freeze, he is still grabbing unto me. his eyes are sad and this is all because of me. he just told me he loves me.


    I feel the sincerity in his confession.


    "You don''t have to say it back. You have every right to be angry with me but I just want you to trust me. I want you to talk to me. let us figure this shit out together."


    I don''t know what to say. I am still stuck on the fact that he loves me.


    Jack loves me.


    "You love me?'''' I mutter as a tear slides to my cheek. His eyes follow the drop and he pulls me closer, wiping it off. There is a faint smile on his face. He knows that he has somehow gotten to me.


    "I really do. I have never loved anyone the way I do you.'''' He breathes out. My heart thuds against my chest. This is the best thing anyone has ever said to me. I never felt love, in all my life and now, he loves me.


    All the anger wipes out.


    All the fear.


    I have him.


    He loves me.

 Chapter 153 - The Confession

    Jack.


    I told him I loved him.


    Maybe that was just a way to get him to see that I am not here to hurt him. I didn''t let his mother come so I could hurt him. My intentions were pure. Now that I think about it. I shouldn''t have agreed to it. I should have just been patient. He would have eventually opened up to me.


    He walks closer to me and before I know it, he is in my arms "I love you too. More than you could ever imagine'''' tears well up in his eyes as he lays down the confession. This feels insane but it is also the most amazing thing ever.


    "I''m sorry for the way I handled it all,'''' I apologize again.


    He looks up at me, there is an expression on his face; one that I can''t really read in this moment. I don''t know where we stand but I also know that we will be okay.


    I will be here for him, through whatever he is going through. "You shouldn''t have done that. I know you don''t know what is going on and I should probably tell you but I am scared. I am scared to let you down. Once you find out, things will change between us."


    He is still in my arms and right now this is more progress than I expected. I need to nip this in the bud. Get him to talk to me. Open up about everything. Now is the time.


    "Can you believe that no matter what happens, I will always love you?''''


    He sighs loudly. I can see that this is very hard for him. His mother asked him about his dad. Almost like she doesn''t know where the man is. Could something have happened to him? Is she insinuating that he has something to do with it?


    "Loving me and wanting to be with me are two different things."


    "Okay, I understand everything you are saying. You feel like I will judge you, or leave you once I find out whatever happened but can you just give me the benefit of the doubt. Trust that this thing between us is more than whatever happened?''''


    I am trying to convince him but it should be easier than this. Being in a relationship shouldn''t be this hard. I shouldn''t have to beg him to tell me all his worries. I guess we both have a lot to learn. We have to grow in this together. We have to make this work, no matter what.


    He came into my life and for the first time, I felt something other than worry. I felt accepted, I wanted. I didn''t mind that he saw all the worse sides of me. That he knows all my fears. I want to show him everything on the inside. I want him to know me for me. I know we will get there because I will never let him go. No matter what.


    "I have never mentioned this to anyone. I don''t even know how to,'''' he breathes out.


    If I continue this way, we will just keep going back and forth. I need him to tell me as it is. I need to know the truth now so that I can know how to help him.


    "Do you want to keep this to yourself forever?''''


    He shakes his head immediately. I pull away from him and grab his hand in mine, squeezing it gently "Do you want to tell me this knowing that I will not judge you?''''


    He sighs, "Just say it. Rip the band-aid off. I can promise you that I will not judge you. I will not crucify you. No matter what is it.''''


    That is the truth.


    From the way he is reacting, I can tell that this might be something I might not want to hear but I need to know. I need him to trust me. Even though whatever this is might be scary.


    "Come on,'''' I drag him back to the couch in the living room and then sit down next to him. I am still clutching unto his hands like somehow this is a way to prove to him that I will never let go. Deep down I know that this is not easy for him and I want to be there for him.


    "Why didn''t you want to see her?''''


    He sighs and then takes a long exhale. I can already sense that he is going to tell me everything. This is the moment I have been waiting for. I wanted to know his secret and now I will get the chance.


    Fuck, this is way harder than I expected. He hasn''t said anything but I am already panicking.


    "She is looking for my dad,'''' he whispers those words so low even though now, there is no going back. He is initiating the conversation even though I had to do a lot of pushing.


    "Why does she think you know where he is?''''


    She seemed so sure when she came. Almost like she was saying he did something to his father. Trick is not that kind of person. He would not intentionally harm someone. There has to be more to the story. His own side¡ªthe only one I will believe.


    "No,'''' he breathes out but something tells me there is more.


    "Do you want to tell me what you know?''''


    He nods. I wipe the tears from his face as they fall. I knew this was going to be hard for him and this is all I can do. This is the only way I can be there for him. "Remember when I said I knew what you are going through with your dad?''''


    I nod.


    "It was the same for me, both parents actually.''''


    I think back to his mom. She didn''t look like the kind of person that would hurt her kid. I guess it doesn''t actually show on your face. She seemed gentle like she is unable to hurt a fly.


    "They were the worst. I''d get all the physical abuse from my dad, and the verbal ones from mom. It was just too much to handle. I used to justify their actions. Tell myself that they would eventually stop. That things would get better. All the scars you see, they are all reminders, of all the pain I had to go through.''''


    It is not easy hearing this because I can relate to every word he is saying. It is fucked up that both our parents failed us. He got out of the situation but it doesn''t actually seem like he did. Something is pulling him back to that life and I guess I am about to find out.


    "I made up my mind, months before I actually left, to leave. There was just never a right time. I was the one fending for us. They needed me and I just didn''t have the courage to leave."


    Shit.


    This is heartbreaking. His words are tearing me apart slowly. He is basically telling me about all his struggles and all I can do is listen. There are no words that can comfort him in this moment. He forces his hands out of mine. I don''t try to grab unto him. I want him to do this at his own pace.


    "The day I finally decided to go. After all the contemplating and pushing. He caught me packing my stuff. He said he would never let me go. That I couldn''t escape from them. I should have agreed with him, found another time to leave but things got heated. He did what he always used to. Hit me, he kept hitting me. I feared I was going to die, I swear, I didn''t mean to hurt him. I just wanted to push him off me."


    I already know what he is about to say.


    Fucking hell, please let me be wrong.


    Please, God.


    "I hit him on his head with one of my art trophies. The same one that caused this scar,'''' he reaches for the scar on his eye. His hands are shaking, I want to hold him again. Assure him that everything will be alright but now, at this moment. I don''t know if I can do that because I don''t know if everything will be alright.


    "He wasn''t breathing. I killed him." he lets out a heavy breath and suddenly I do the same. I didn''t even realize I was holding my breath.


    After the confession, he stops talking. I don''t expect him to say anything else. That was the secret. I understand why he couldn''t say it. Why he kept it in him for so long. I know now that he has been carrying the heaviest burden with him all this while.


    He has been hurting. Thinking he is some kind of monster when in reality, the people that were supposed to protect him are the real monsters. This was not his fault.


    He is not a murderer.

 Chapter 154 - Switch Request

    Jack.


    I need more answers to all the questions I have in my head.


    He thinks he killed his father.


    I don''t believe that.


    He is not the kind of person to kill another human being. Trick is kind, he is warm and selfless. He is the kind of person you can trust. Even if he actually hurt the man. His reasons are valid. It was self-defense. Fuck, I am trying to find reasons why this would happen in the first place. Trying to justify all his actions.


    "You are not saying anything, please tell me that nothing has changed.'''' He is peering up at me. His eyes are red and blotchy. I hate that I made him cry. I mean, I am the one that brought out the waterworks indirectly. The regrets of pushing him to do this kick in.


    "Can I just process this for a second,'''' I plead with him, not wanting to keep him in the dark from my thoughts. So, his mother seems to think that his father is missing. Which means, his body hasn''t been discovered or someone hid his body.


    "What did you do after?''''


    He furrows in confusion, I rephrase my sentence "After you hit him, what did you do?'''' I ask.


    "Nothing.''''


    "Did you hide his body?''''


    He shakes his head immediately "I ran away. I took my things and I left. It has been a year since I ran away and I have had to run some more, every time she found me.''''


    This doesn''t make any sense. He seems to think that his father is dead. If he didn''t hide the body. Why didn''t the cops arrest him? Why didn''t his mother find it? "You said she has found you a couple of times,'''' he nods "What did she want?''''


    He frowns wiping the residue of tears from his eyes "Money, it always comes down to that.''''


    "Does this make any sense to you?''''


    He shrugs "I don''t know.''''


    To me, this looks like a setup. If he actually died, she would have been the one to find his body. So unless Trick is lying to me. There is no way that bastard is dead. He is still alive and they are using this opportunity to rob him. That is the only thing that makes sense.


    "You don''t need to run anymore,'''' I tell him "Face her, I mean tell her to do her worst. Stop fucking running away from those monster.''''


    "What do you mean?''''


    "Your father is not dead¡ªat least I don''t believe he is. They are just playing mind games with you. They know you are vulnerable and they are using it to swindle you.''''


    This might be a long shot and I might be wrong but something in my gut is telling me that I am right. It just makes no sense that he hasn''t been arrested for this¡ªunless she hid the body. That is another probability and if she did that, she took part in the crime. That is the only logical reason.


    "I can''t,'''' he echoes.


    "Why?''''


    He sighs and then runs his hands over the short strands that have been growing out on his head. I watch him, sure that this has been eating him up for so long. I can''t believe he has kept this on for so long. If he had called the cops that night, he would have been free from them but I can''t judge him. I never called the cops on my dad, I never wanted to chance to be tossed into a situation that could potentially be worse than the one I was in. You know that saying, the devil you know is better than the angel you didn''t. Well, my father has been the devil in my life and because of him, I got the chance to meet Lance and Marybelle. They have been the light through all my darkness and I will always be grateful. If Trick had called the cops, he would have never come here. We would have never met, so this was always his destiny. I will always be grateful for all the bad things because, in turn, they make things better.


    Every disappointment is a blessing.


    "I am scared of her. She was worse than dad. Her words, they always cut so deep.'''' The tears start to fall again. Talking about this is breaking my heart. It hurts to see him in pain but I also feel helpless. Like there is nothing I can do to wipe away his hurt. I wish I could take away all his pain. Make him feel better.


    Fuck.


    "Come here,'''' I stretch my hands out in the air. He looks at my hand and for a second, it feels like he is confused but that vanishes as he slides closer to me on the couch. My arms engulf him completely as he breathes softly against my chest. I close my eyes as I take him all in. wanting to find a way to absorb his pain.


    "I am here, you don''t have to worry about anything anymore. You don''t have to run or hide from them." These are my words of assurance. I mean, I am never leaving him again. This is my forever guy. So he actually doesn''t need to worry about anything anymore.


    He cries in my arms, I hold him as tight as I can. As gentle as I can. I don''t want him to carry the burdens of his past. I want him to forget about it all. We stay like that, in that bubble that is just us for a while. His tears fall to my shirt. I let them seep through. If this is the only way I can comfort him, then I will gladly get soaked.


    Slowly, he pulls away from me and his lips are on mine. We haven''t finalized the conversation. No plans have been made on how to handle his parents. I strongly believe that my theory is right. His father is possibly still alive. That woman I saw doesn''t look like the kind of person to hide a body. It makes no sense to me that she will go that far just to continue extorting him.


    Right now, I can focus on that because the deeper he kisses me, the faster I lose control. Is this a good idea? To have sex with him when he is so vulnerable. "Baby,'''' I try to pull back from him but he presses into me harder.


    He slides his tongue into my mouth and this gets a moan out of me. The hunger is pouring out of him. I know what he is doing. He is trying to forget. Do something that will make him feel better?


    He reaches for my jeans, tugging at the hem desperately. I close my eyes because I can feel all of him too and the way this is affecting him is also affecting me. Once he succeeds in getting my pants off, he does the same to his clothes. Our eyes are open, I mean, I understand that he wants to see me. Get the assurance that things are cool between us after everything he told me. He slides down until he gets to the crook of my neck and I feel the wetness of his tongue as he suckles on my neck. This gets a moan out of me. I love every bit of him. From his head to his toes. It feels good to say the L word. I didn''t expect to have said it so soon in our relationship but now that it is out there. I want to shout it to the top of the world. Let everyone know that he is mine and mine alone. From my neck, he slides even lower, nibbling at my right nipple. I arch my back upward from the shock of the pleasure that comes from it. Hell, I didn''t think I was that sensitive there. That felt amazing. He pulls away, his eyes searching, making sure I am okay. I smile widely, encouraging him to continue. Almost like he read my mind, he goes back to the nibble. I close my eyes, grabbing his hair to balance myself.


    After a couple of minutes of foreplay, he slides back up, until we are face to face again. Our eyes boring into each other "Can we...'''' he doesn''t complete his sentence but I know what he is asking for. He wants to have sex. I don''t know if it is a good idea right now but there is no particular reason why we shouldn''t. I answer him by smashing my lips against his roughly. He smiles into the kiss, slowly pulling back "Can I fuck you?"'' his words are shy, he seems embarrassed even though we should be at that place where nothing is uncomfortable to say.


    I don''t know if I want to take it but I also don''t think I am opposed to it.


    He deserves everything he wants and I don''t mind giving him that part of me.


    "Sure."

 Chapter 155 - I Will Always Protect You

    Patrick.


    I don''t know why I asked him.


    I just need some control right now and Jack is the only one that can give it to me. He is the only one that makes me feel worth something¡­anything. He seems to think that my father is not dead, that this was their plan all along but I don''t even know. He didn''t see what I saw last year. He looked dead and it will be a miracle if he is still alive.


    I wish he was because I am tired of having to deal with their drama. I just want to let go of them and be happy with Jack.


    "Are you sure?'''' I ask him, wanting to be a hundred percent sure that he is not just agreeing to this because I asked. If there is any part of him that feels uncomfortable about this. I will not force it. I look up at his expression, wanting to read him. I can always tell what he is thinking from his eyes and right now, he looks indifferent and a little bit worried.


    "I haven''t really thought about switching but I don''t mind," he shrugs still on top of me. He reaches for me and I let him. Slowly his lips are on mine. The pull undeniable. I moan into his mouth as he pulls away, grabbing me by my waist and switching positions. Now I am on top of him. There is a smile on his face. The kind that tells me he is open to this. The first time I had sex with him¡ªwith anyone. We were both drunk. The whole night is still foggy to me. Just bits and pieces but this time. We are both sober. Maybe I am a little emotional because of everything we just talked about but this time I want to remember. I want him to remember too.


    "It''s going to hurt,'''' I blurt. I don''t know why I am scaring him like this but I at least want him to be prepared. I want him to expect the pain that will come with the pleasure.


    "We have Lube,'''' he winks, my heart melts into goo. God, what was I before him? I won the lottery with the first person I have ever been with. There is no going back from him.


    He uses his legs to move up to the bed, till his head is on the pillow. I watch him, in complete awe as he stretches his hand out and opens the drawer next to my bed. That is where we keep our stash. I can''t believe I have a sex stash. It is so funny to me.


    He grabs a condom and then looks at me with a gleam in his eyes "Which flavor?" he asks with that same smile still plastered on his face.


    I can''t help but smile back at him. He is quirky and a tease. The whole thing just makes me love him more. God, we love each other. Those words made everything better. They made me more assured. I don''t know why I even needed him to say it. his actions have all but proved it to me. I know how he feels and I feel the same way.


    "Strawberry as usual,'''' I can almost bet that my cheeks are red.


    He rummages through the drawer and pulls it out, almost like an accomplishment. "So, you take the wheels boyfriend. Have your way with me." He hands me the condom and the lube. With shaking hands, I collect it from him. I have no problem with being a bottom. Hell, it makes me feel needed. There is just something about it that I have come to love but tonight I want this badly.


    He lies back on the bed, his eyes pierce into mine, and my heart races against my chest. I can feel his pounding. There is no way he is not nervous about this. I drop the condom on the side of the bed and lean into him. He closes his eyes immediately as I press my lips to him. There is no more talking as my tongue slides into his mouth. The reaction I always get from kissing him is still there. I don''t need any more confirmation because at this moment, I feel his hardness on my leg. He wants this too and now I am excited. I touch his body sensually with my fingers, he moans against my kiss. Slowly I pull apart from him and open up the lube. His eyes part and there is a dreamy expression plastered on his face. Pressing my lips to his forehead for a quick kiss. I take an amount of the gel that I think will be okay. This is the first time for me, unlike him. I want to make sure it doesn''t hurt him at all. I want him to enjoy this as much as I am going to.


    I reach for him with the hand that has the lube and he watches me, waiting "Let me know if it hurts,'''' I urge him. the moment he shows any form of severe pain. I will stop.


    He nods and presses his lips to mine. My hand finds its way into his entrance and this gets a shudder from him, as I slide one finger into him. He bites his lips in the most alluring way and this gets my dick hard. Jack is the most attractive person I have ever met. Unlike me, he is perfect. His face is perfect, his eyes are perfect, even his red hair suits him so perfectly¡ªalmost makes him look like a porcelain doll.


    "I am so lucky,'''' I exclaim as I move my finger around inside him. His eyes remain close, the expression on his face unreadable. I said I could read his face before. Right now, I don''t know how he is feeling. "Does it hurt?'''' I ask.


    He shakes his head immediately "No, just a little uncomfortable. Continue.'''' He pushes me. The more I move around in him. the more huffed sounds erupt from his lips. Suddenly the weird expression is gone from his face and replaced with something else. This one seems familiar to me. This is the same one he has when he fucks me.


    I like it a lot.


    I continue my hand movements and he keeps his eyes closed through it all. Once it feels like he is stretched out enough. I pull out of him which makes him open his eyes. Now he is watching me as I grab the condom from the bed beside me. Almost like an expert, I rip it open and this gets a chuckle out of him "Seems like you''ve always wanted this,'''' he jokes breathing heavily.


    I shrug "I have always wanted you. So, there''s that.''''


    He grabs the condom from me and I let him slide it around my hardened dick. The touch doesn''t help because it feels like I am about to burst. I don''t know how long I will last with that look on his face.


    "Ready,'''' he informs me even though I felt it.


    I grab my dick, rubbing more lube on it to make this as easy as possible. Once I am satisfied, I position it to his entrance, opening his legs up for me. My eyes stay fixed on his. He does the same. Slowly I push into him. He moans out instantly. I am not even in yet but he is already responding.


    "Is this okay?'''' I ask.


    He nods "Just keep going,'''' he hastens me, I like it so much.


    I push my hips forward even more and this time, I enter him, whole. A gasp escapes his lips "Faster," he begs. Grabbing my back with his fingers. His nails pierce into my skin. The pain adding to the pleasure I feel. he is tight and warm. It feels like home.


    Fuck.


    "That feels good,'''' he informs me, his eyes wide open. I lean into him and rest in the crook of his neck, my lips completely smothering him, he smells as delicious as he feels. I grind against him, quickening my pace. Jack shivers beneath me. I feel him as he shakes, settling on wrapping his legs around my waist. The faster I go, the louder he screams. I love every bit of his reaction. I love it so much.


    "Do that again,'''' he screams. I stop moving for fear that I have hurt him but he just pushes me into him "Keep going,'''' he commands. I have literally never seen him like this. he seems to be liking things a lot.


    I move faster and he moans in satisfaction "I am almost there,'''' he tells me. I feel myself getting close to bliss, so I move even faster, hitting him in that spot. That spot that finally makes him cum all over me. Jack falls to the bed, letting go of me as I release my seed into the condom. I feel it in between his legs. I fall onto his body and he wraps his arms around me.


    "Fucking hell,'''' he mutters "That was insane.'''' He confesses. I can''t help but agree with him. We stay in each other''s arms for a couple of minutes. Just enjoying our space. The things we just did will always linger.


    "We got this Trick. I will protect you." He assures me and I believe him.


    I believe his promise.

 Chapter 156 - On Your Side

    Lance.


    Brad''s Diary(Journal)


    I have been switching the meds now for a month. I feel good about it because mom is back to herself. She has been happy, she plays with me again. She helps me with my homework and she watches our favorite cartoon. Dad seems to be normal, he doesn''t suspect anything but he also hasn''t said anything about the way she is acting. I like the way things are and if I have to continue switching the meds, I will as long as I can have my mother back.


    Lisa seems to think that I am making a mistake, I don''t know if I can even trust her. It almost seems like she is on dad''s side. She promised not to tell anyone, but I can never be too sure.


    I just have to keep protecting mom for as long as I can and if dad doesn''t even know, then nothing will ever happen.


    I close the book with a loud thud. I hate reading this. I can already imagine the bad that will come of it. There are doubts in my mind now because Mr. Max said Ford is just like his mom. What if she was sick and needed the meds? That thought has been running through my mind and I don''t know how I feel about it. The doorbell rings and I jump off my bed and run over to it. Eren was supposed to be here thirty minutes ago.


    I open the door and the person on the other end is not who I was expecting "Mom,'''' I mutter.


    She manages a smile. "Can I come in?''''


    Since when does she ring the doorbell? This is as much her house as it is mine. Why the fuck is she acting so weird?


    "Why did you ring the bell? Don''t you have a key?'''' I walk away from the door and she follows me. Still fucking smiling. I don''t even know how I feel about her, I don''t even have the time to think about her. All I can think about is getting Ford out of that hospital. If they think he is sick. We will work on it together. He will see another doctor. One that is not clouded by John. His involvement to the whole thing is what irks me. I don''t trust him, no matter what I think. He is not trying to help Ford. He is too secretive and I don''t think the way he has handled the whole thing is the best. That is why I will never be on his side.


    He hasn''t thought about how this whole thing is affecting his son. He is only thinking about himself and what people will say.


    "I didn''t know If you would want me to come in.''''


    The more words that come out of her mouth, the more annoyed I get. "Just cut it out, mom. There is no point for all this."


    "You canceled our dinner. I was worried."


    I shrug and walk over to the couch "I was tired." I tell her honestly. I am actually tired. I just want to get past this and I know she is not going to be of any help, so I don''t see any point in the back and forth.


    "Should I order something and we can talk about it through a late dinner?''''


    I frown "Talk about what?''''


    She sighs and then runs her hands through her hair "You know what I am talking about. Why are you trying to make things difficult for me?''''


    "Is it working?''''


    This might not be fair but this is also the only way to transfer my aggression to someone else. I am going through a lot, emotionally right now. She is of no help to me.


    "Please, let us talk. I have a lot to say,'''' she pleads. I wish I could just forget everything that has happened but the reminder that she betrayed me will always be there. No matter how many good things she does to make amends.


    "Fine but Eren is supposed to be coming over.'''' I tell her wanting her to know that I don''t plan on listening to her for a long time.


    "Okay. He can have dinner with us if he gets here while we are eating." She dials the Chinese restaurant near the apartment and orders the usual meal we get. While we wait, she looks up at me from the opposite side of the couch.


    "I believe you.''''


    The uninterested expression on my face is wiped away and shock replaces it "What?''


    She continues "John is hiding something from me, which makes me think that you might be right about his relationship with his son."


    "And?''''


    "I don''t know. I have been thinking about it and I want to support your relationship with him."


    It seems like I am in an alternate universe. The fact that she is saying all this is shocking to me. she supports my relationship, even though he is locked up right now. "Do I even have a relationship when he is locked up?''''


    She sighs "He is going to get out. You know this won''t be permanent."


    "How long? Do you even have an idea?''''


    She shakes her head. The doorbell rings and I jump up from my seat. She wants me to be happy that she will support the man I love. I wish she came here to tell me that she was going to take my side and Ford. That she was going to ask him to let him go¡ªor at least help us but no. she just came here to support a relationship that would always thrive without her.


    I collect the bag of food and she stands up and hands him the money. "Thank you,'''' she tells him as I close the door.


    It has been almost an hour. Where the fuck is Eren. I have a plan, that will involve him and Jack. We have to break him out of there. The bell rings again, this time I jump for joy as Eren¡ªone of my best friends smiles on the opposite side of the door "Hiya,'''' he waves in the air. He is dressed in a pair of brown shorts and a black long sleeve shirt. There is a beanie over his head, so I cant see if his hair is messy like usual or actually brushed. It is probably messy.


    "Come in,'''' I pull him closer "Mom, please, can we have this conversation some other time. I need to be with Eren tonight."


    I know I am being mean to her but I have priorities and my main priority is getting Ford out of this mess. I will leave my life with her and everyone else behind just to be with him again. I want to see his smile again. I don''t want him to worry about anything.


    "We were going to have dinner,'''' she interjects sadly.


    "I promise, we will do this some other time. It is late and I am tired. I don''t want to think about Ford and all the drama tonight.''''


    She sighs "Okay, will you at least eat the food?''''


    I nod.


    "Fine." she walks over to me and rests her hand on my shoulder "Know that I am on your side. I will always be on your side.''''


    You were not on my side when I needed you.


    I think those words but I don''t say them out loud. I don''t want to keep her here any longer. I need to talk to Eren.


    Once she leaves,. I face him. He raises a brow "You are thinking about doing something crazy. I can already tell,'''' he walks further into the room, reaching for the bag of food and peeing into it "Oooh, dumplings." He grabs one of the containers from inside the bag and opens it, throwing one into his mouth "What do you want?'''' he asks chewing slowly. I roll my eyes because he can even think of eating. I have been unable to eat since they took him from me.


    "I need to get him out of there.''''


    "It won''t be easy.''''


    I nod "I know but I don''t have any other options. I have to do this because no one wants to help. I thought his uncle would help us but everyone wants me to just sit back and watch, like the man I am in love with is not locked up like some kind of prisoner.''''


    He sighs "So how are we going to do this? What is the plan?''''


    I like the fact that he already knows that he is involved in this. I like that he is ready to do this with me. Eren is a good friend, one of the people I know I can trust. I am so grateful for him "There is no plan. I thought you would have some suggestions. I thought your cousin could help us out.''''


    "Uh... he could lose his job though. so that''s kind of a big deal.''''


    I nod in understanding. "I know but this is my only option. I need to get him out of there before the week ends. I am desperate Eren. Please help me.'''' I walk over to him and grab his free hand that doesn''t have food.


    ''''Alright. I will help.. Let me talk to him first.''''

 Chapter 157 - My Ride Or Die.

    Lance.


    "Where were you last night. I called you a bunch of times?'''' I ask Jack.


    He looks away from me with a suspicious expression plastered on his face "We slept in early." He tells me as he walks into the door. I watch him as he sits down on the couch "Where is Eren. I thought you said we were breaking him out of that hell hole?''''


    I sigh because I don''t even know how we are going to pull this off. Eren is supposed to be getting his cousin to help us. Mr. Max said I am allowed to visit Ford. So maybe when I go to visit him, we can get him out.


    I haven''t told Ford my plan. I just don''t want to get his hopes up because he has been disappointed a lot recently. I mean his uncle was supposed to get him out of that hospital. He was supposed to help him.


    "He should be on his way. I haven''t heard from him all morning,'''' I tell him.


    He nods "So, you want to do this even though his grand-uncle told you to give him a week. I mean, would it be so bad if he stays there for a week? It has just been a couple of days.''''


    Jack doesn''t understand. No one really understands what he has to go through in there. They are pumping medicine into his body. Not giving him the opportunity to be his own self. His father is not doing this to help him. He only wants to hide him from the world. Ford will always be his embarrassment. When he found out that we are together, he couldn''t handle it and that is why he locked him up.


    "Can you not try to convince me not to do this? I have already made up my mind." I attack him because he is getting to that point of pissing me off.


    He raises his hands in surrender "sorry man, I just don''t want us to do something that will end up pissing John off."


    I don''t give a fuck about John. The only person I care about is Ford. He is the only one that matters. The only one I want to be with. Is it too much to ask for? Can''t I just get the chance to be with him?


    "Look, you are either in this with me or not. Right now, that is all that matters,'''' I warn him.


    He sighs and I walk over to the couch, sitting beside him. He sighs loudly before saying "You know I am always on your side,'''' he reminds me, it is not like I have forgotten. I know he is the one person I can count on. He is my ride or die, guy. He reaches for me and I let him hold me in his arms. It is not weird to get a hug from Jack. He is like a brother to me¡ªfuck, he is my brother. He is the one person that I can always count on. He is the only one that would always take my side, even when I am wrong.


    After a couple of seconds, he breathes out "Okay, while we wait for Eren, I have to tell you something."


    I pull away from him and there is a serious expression on his face "Is something wrong?''''


    He shakes his head "it is not a big deal. I don''t want to take the spotlight from you right now but I just need to talk to someone about this.''''


    Instantly, I know it is about him and Patrick, before I left his apartment, they were fighting a lot. Whatever he has to say must have something to do with their fighting. Something must have happened.


    "You know I don''t care about that. If you have something going on. I will like to know,'''' I assure him.


    He smiles "Patrick seems to think that he killed his father and his mother has been blackmailing for money."


    Okay.


    That is a lot and it seems a lot more serious than what I am going through with Ford.


    "Do you think he killed him?''''


    He explains everything and I listen attentively. Unsure of what I could possibly do to make this better. This is a lot to take in. He seems to want to wait, till Patrick''s mother calls the cops. He thinks they are both lying. They are trying to outsmart their son but what if the man is really dead. What if Patrick really killed him that day, if they call the cops. They will just end up arresting him. He will go to jail because he kept quiet about the whole thing.


    I don''t know the best answer for this because I don''t want to suggest something that would end up being the wrong thing.


    "What are you thinking?'''' he asks me.


    "Uh¡­''''


    He sighs "just tell me what is on your mind. Even if you don''t agree with me. I won''t be mad, I promise,'''' he assures me but this is not about him being mad. This is about saying the wrong things.


    I don''t really know what could have happened but Patrick seems to be going through a lot. He seems to be dealing with demons that are stronger than I could imagine. He left his father, bleeding, with the hopes that he died. I know that feeling; I have prayed that jack''s dad would die so many times. The man is a monster, so many times, I would see him in his own vomit and wish he would choke on it. the way he hurt his son¡ªhe doesn''t deserve to be alive. I completely understand Patrick and that moment he was stuck in. I understand why he would do that. If I was in his shoes, I would do the same thing.


    "Do you think he killed him?'''' he asks. Jack has always been able to read me. he knows what I am thinking and he must be thinking the same things too. He might not want to admit it but I mean, the thoughts are there.


    "No, I don''t think he did but there is a possibility that he did.''''


    He nods "Yeah, I know but it is a stretch. It just makes no sense that his mother wouldn''t know where he is. He said he didn''t hide the body. She should have seen him at the house. If he really is dead, there should be a body."


    "Are you sure he didn''t hide the body?''''


    I am not saying I don''t trust Patrick but I just want to know all the facts. I need to know so that I can help my friends.


    "Yes, I completely trust him.''''


    I love that he can say that about him. Their relationship seems so strong in such a short amount of time. It makes me happy that they are at this point.


    I stand up from the couch "I have an idea,'''' I smile.


    "What is it, what about you and Ford." He breathes out suddenly reminding me that we are waiting for Eren. Today is supposed to be about getting Ford out of that hospital and yes, I plan on doing that. That is my number one priority but my best friend needs me right now and I don''t want to leave this town without making sure he and Patrick are happy and okay. The fact that he is so sure that Patrick didn''t kill the man makes this even easier.


    We have to find out the truth.


    I plan on helping him all the way through.


    "There is enough time to do both,'''' I wink at him and he smiles. If the tables were turned, Jack will drop everything for me. I mean, look at now for example. He is here with me when he really should be with Patrick. He needs him but I also need him and here he is trying to juggle both.


    "Lemme just call Eren and we will head out,'''' I tell him.


    I dial my other friends'' number and he answers "Yo, give me about a couple of hours. Thanks to you, I have to run some errands for Manuel,'''' his explanation is good enough because this gives me enough time to sort out Jack and Patrick''s problems.


    "What do you have in mind. Patrick doesn''t want us involving too much in them because they are very manipulative." He tells me, completely forgetting that manipulating people is my forte. This is what I live for.


    "Let me convince him. Patrick is my friend too¡­. remember?'''' I remind him. He seems to have forgotten that just a month ago, he hated him and thought he wanted to steal me away from Ford.


    He rolls his eyes because he knows what I am thinking about "He might be upset that I told you.''''


    "He knew you would tell me. we tell each other everything, besides it is too late. I am involved now." I pause "Do you have his mother''s number?''''


    I have to help.

 Chapter 158 - Plan In Motion And The Demons That Come

    Lance


    "You don''t have to involve yourself in this. I will handle it, just like I always have.'''' He insists. For about fifteen minutes, I have been trying to convince Patrick that I am only here to help.


    That maybe this might work.


    "I know. There is a chance that this will fail and only cause more problems but there is no harm in trying. You can''t live your life running. You need to know now and let this all just end.''''


    That is the truth. This must be eating him up. For a whole year, he has been running. Running away from the people that were supposed to protect him. If I can find out the truth. Know once and for all if the man is still alive. He will finally be free.


    Even if he is dead, knowing for sure will definitely make him feel lighter. That weight that he has been carrying on his shoulders would finally be off. He will finally be able to stand tall.


    "You don''t understand. She has the power to completely ruin my life. She could go to the cops." He cries into the phone.


    I take a deep breath because I am not the best at comforting people, hell I don''t even know how to but I know he needs this. So, I have to be there for him. So many times, Patrick has been there for me. he has talked to me, made me smile in times that I felt completely broken and conflicted.


    This is the time for me to repay all his kindness.


    This is the time to be a good friend to him.


    "Even if she calls the cops. There is no proof that you did this. it has been a year. She could''ve called the cops a year ago. If she knew all this while, all the money you have given her is proof. Proof that she was in on it. there is more to this than what you think and don''t you want to know?'''' I ask him.


    I just found out about this and I am already curious. I already want to know what happened that night.


    "It won''t be easy getting it out of her,'''' he cries.


    "We have to at least try. I want to help.''''


    He sighs into the phone. "I don''t know what to say. I have kept this inside for so long. It scares me that you all know.''''


    "Your secret is safe with us. This is what friends do."


    "Okay. What is the plan?''''


    *********************


    "Hello.''''


    "Who is this?'''' I hear her voice and my heart jolts in my chest. This could go wrong, or exactly the way I want it to.


    "Am I speaking to Candice?'' I ask my voice shaking. Jack looks at me. there is fear in his eyes. I don''t want to have to regret this decision but it is the best thing to do.


    "Yes, who am I on to?'''' her voice is cold and detached.


    Everything I have heard about her makes me hate her. I don''t even have to know her but she is a monster. The only thing she has done is hurt her kid. The more she meets him, the more hurt he is.


    "This is Lance. I met your son at a club once. He told me some things. They are all worrisome. I don''t know if you are interested to hear them.'''' I breathe out the plan.


    Get her to think I know Patrick. Get her to think I am not on his side. I mean, not necessarily not on his side. Maybe more on the ''I am worried that he might have killed his father.''


    This is actually the truth but if he did kill his father that night then we will have to re-strategize. Maybe Jack is right. It does seem unlikely that the man is dead. At least, Candice must know about it. It has been a year.


    "What are you talking about,'''' she blurts into the phone. Her voice is so loud. I look up at Jack, the phone in my grip. She is on speaker, so we can both hear her.


    "I don''t want to say this over the phone, maybe it would be best if I talk to you in person?'''' I suggest.


    I need to meet her in person, to get into this. We all need to know what happened that night. Patrick seems to think he killed his father but the more I get involved in this, the more I think there is more to this.


    There is a reason why she hasn''t called the cops or at least involved the police. Her husband has been missing for a year and her only means of finding him is extorting her son for money. How much more does she intend to collect from him.


    "I don''t have anything to say to anybody. If this is some plan of Patrick, let him know that he will regret it.''''


    Okay, this is not going well.


    "I haven''t spoken to Patrick about this. I know where your husband is. I know what happened to him.''''


    "You have no clue. You are fucking bluffing,'''' she shouts into the phone.


    I smile. This means I have her right where I want her. she is suspicious but I can get her where I want her.


    "Patrick was drunk, he said a lot of things. I wanted to talk to you about it because he mentioned that you have been looking for your husband. I wanted you to be the first to hear the truth."


    The best trick is to play dumb. She has been acting like she doesn''t know what happened but to me, it seems like she knows a lot more than she is making it out to be. She knows what happened to her husband.


    "What did he say?'''' her voice tones down. I can sense the worry in the tone of her voice. My eyes meet Jack. There is a smile on his face. He can sense it too.


    "I can''t say it over the phone. I want to involve the cops. This is a confession to a crime but I needed you to know first."


    All lies but the only way I can get to the bottom of this. the only way she would take me seriously. She is involved in this because she has known that her husband has been missing for a year and she didn''t call it in. no matter what she says, this is as much her fault.


    She is part of this.


    "You don''t need to call the cops. Where can I meet you?'''' she asks her voice shaking.


    I smile, feeling accomplished. This is exactly what I wanted. If she tries to get me to keep things hush. I will do the next phase of the plan. I give her details on where to meet and she ends the call after agreeing to meet in an hour.


    "Wow, the more I listened, the surer I am that he is not dead.''''


    I nod "It seems like he is though. Like his dad is dead but there is more to the story."


    From everything I gathered, I think something happened after Patrick left. Maybe he actually did kill the man but the mom must have come home. She must have found the body. There are things that happened that night that we are not aware of and I plan on finding out about it.


    "You actually think so?''''


    I nod. "If that man is alive. He should have come looking for Patrick. You mentioned how villainous he was. He liked to control him.''''


    He nods.


    "Come on, let''s head over to meet this woman. I have a lot to do after this,'''' I tell him, as I get up from the couch and grab my jacket from one of the chairs. Jack watches me as I put it on.


    "You have no idea what this means to me,'''' he exhales out.


    "You know I will do anything for you. You are my brother. Forever until we are shriveled.'''' I remind him of our pact. When we were kids, we made a pact. We would always have each other''s back. I would never see him suffer and turn a blind eye and vice versa. He knows the things I would do for him.


    "No time to be so sappy,'''' he slaps my shoulder playfully. He is the one that started it but now he wants to change the topic. I know what Patrick means to him. He is a good person. I have liked him since I met him and I don''t want him to continue suffering for the people that were supposed to protect him.


    He needs a break.


    I will gladly give him that.


    "Come on,'''' we both walk out of the door. My phone rings and it is an unknown number. I answer it immediately.


    "Hey,''''


    I hear his voice and the warmth that comes with it melts my heart. Ford. There is a pain in his voice. it makes me feel hurt.


    I don''t know what to do.


    "Hi baby,'''' jack looks at me. I mouth out his name and he nods his head in understanding. He leaves me to have the conversation in private.


    "Are you okay?''''


    "Yeah, I needed to talk to you. Your friend''s cousin let me borrow his phone,'''' he informs me. which just makes me sure that he will be the best person to get him out of there.


    "I am going to get you out of there,'''' I assure him even though I said I wouldn''t. I don''t want to give him hopes but I need him to have a little bit right now, especially with the way he sounds.


    "The demons are back, I can''t fight them off,'''' he sighs into the phone.


    My heart breaks.


    "Please hold on. Don''t let go yet. Don''t give in.'''' I beg him. I need him to be strong. I need him to hold on until I can get him out.


    I will get him out.

 Chapter 159 - The Dream That Felt So Real

    Ford.


    "Wake up son,''''


    I open my eyes and she is staring at me. her eyes are open wide, they look very scary. I am scared but I sit up on the bed as I rub the sleep out of my eyes.


    "Mom?''''


    This feels like a dream. It feels like I am dreaming right now. I want to go back to sleep. I am scared.


    "Baby, get dressed. We should go get ice cream from your favorite parlor. What do you say?'''' she suggests but doesn''t wait for an answer.


    I watch her walk over to my closet and bring rummage through my clothes. She is dressed in her sleep dress. The silky white one she usually wears. The length of this one is longer than the other ones she has. It looks new. I look closer and the tag is still on it.


    "What do you want to wear. Casual or formal. This is a celebration."


    I don''t know what is going on. Dad is not around. He went on a business trip. I was happy when I heard but now, I wish he would come back. I am scared and I don''t even know what is going on.


    "Momma,'''' I call her at the same time getting up from the bed. I walk into the closet and she turns around until her eyes meet mine. They are bright, the sleep that should be there is wiped off. My plan to swap her meds have been working. There is a smile on her face. She is too happy too late in the night.


    "Come on baby, pick an outfit.'''' She pushes two pairs of clothes into my hands.


    I furrow my brows "mom, it is two in the morning. I am scared." I tell her confused by her behavior.


    "It is never too late for ice cream,'''' she starts to pull off my clothes. I don''t even have the power to fight her off. I am so sleepy and confused. I don''t know what is happening right now.


    She succeeds in getting my clothes off and putting the fresh ones on me. "We will have the best time together. Your father is not around. It is just you and me."


    I thought the same thing. If he was around, this wouldn''t be happening. Should I be worried that he is not here and she is doing this?


    "Come on,'''' she puts on my coat and grabs my hand pulling me out of my room.


    "What flavor would you want. I am getting chocolate mint. Is chocolate still your favorite?" she asks me excitedly.


    I nod my head.


    Maybe ice cream is not such a bad idea. She puts on my shoes in front of the house and grabs her car keys from the table in front of the counter. She is still dressed in her nightgown. She had me change from my pajamas but she is still in hers.


    The confusion intensifies.


    We enter the car and she turns to me "Put your seat belt on,'''' she smiles widely. Her teeth out and everything.


    I obey her and she starts the journey. We get to jelly''s parlor in about thirty minutes. The lights are off. The place is obviously closed but she gets down from the car and I watch her as she walks over to the entrance. She peers into the glass. I am confused. What is happening?


    She gets into the car after a couple of attempts of knocking on the glass "Well they are closed but I guess we can try somewhere else,'''' she beams starting the car immediately.


    I jump up from the bed. I am covered in sweat; my hands are shaking. That dream felt so real. Almost like I have lived it but why don''t I remember?


    It seems like the night mom died but that is not how it went. We didn''t go out for ice cream. We were escaping from dad.


    We packed a bag. We were going to leave together. That was the plan before the accident. Why did that dream seem so real? Why am I even thinking about that night?


    "Fuck,'''' I run my hands through my hair.


    This place is getting to me. this place is eating me up until there is nothing left. I don''t want to be here. I don''t want to think about those memories. I don''t want to think about losing the only parent that genuinely cared about me.


    Why is he doing this to me?


    I hear a knock on my door, my eyes dart to the door and Manuel walks in. he is Lance''s friend''s cousin. He has been extra nice to me after that day with the phone call. This is all thanks to Lance. I miss him so much.


    "Your meds,'''' he tells me. I notice the tray on his grip. I haven''t even eaten anything and the first thing they bring to me is medicine. They don''t want me to ever be myself. They just want the robot that they can control.


    He stops in front of me.


    I grab the tiny cup that has the meds and he watches me. his eyes never leaving mine. I get that this is his job. He has to make sure I take the drugs. I place the two white pills on my palm and grab the cup of water. Tossing the pills into my mouth. I am tired of fighting it. I am tired of fighting him, so I take the pills. Throwing it down my throat with the water.


    "Good job, so do you want to have your breakfast in a different location?'''' he asks but I am confused.


    "There is a garden outside behind the hospital. The security guard is a friend. I pulled some strings and he agreed to it. what do you say?''''


    "I don''t feel like it,'''' I tell him honestly. I just want to wallow alone in my room. Things have just been going not the way I planned and I can''t handle it.


    "oh, come on. Some fresh air might do you good.''''


    I look at him and it seems like he is very eager about this. this is the only person I feel like I can trust in this place. Anyone that has anything to do with Lance is good in my books.


    "Will you let me talk to him outside?'''' I ask.


    He looks around and then nods "Come on, have a shower while I get your breakfast. What are you feeling today?''''


    "Anything,'''' I shrug nonchalantly.


    He smiles and skips out of the room. I walk into the bathroom, there is no mirror in this bathroom. Somehow, they think I will hurt myself. So, there is nothing that could potentially be used as a weapon. I don''t even know how I look right now; I am pretty sure I will not recognize whoever I am right now.


    After my shower, Manuel leads me out of the room and to the garden he was talking about. Once outside, the first thing that hits me is the morning sun and I know I acted like I didn''t care but it feels good at this moment.


    "See, I told you,'''' he mutters excitedly.


    I shrug again because I don''t want him to think he has done me some kind of favor. I don''t want him to know that I appreciate his kindness. That the fact that we are even outside right now means a lot to me.


    "come on," We are out of the hospital but there is a large wired fence around the premises. I can see the outside world but there is no way out to it. all I can do is watch and do nothing like I have done all my life. I see the blanket and the food on it. this is like a picnic but it doesn''t feel like a picnic. Just a reminder that I can never leave. I have to stay here until my father is sure that I am okay.


    "There is a plan to get you out of here, I need you to be patient." He tells me once we are both seated. There is a serious expression on his face. I know Lance is planning something. He mentioned it the last time I spoke to him and I didn''t know how to tell him that whatever he has planned won''t work.


    Dad is too powerful and I have come to the conclusion that he will always win, no matter how many times I fight. No matter how hard I try. I am tired and i don''t want to drag him into my mess. This is all my fault. He should be living a normal life. He should not be worrying about me.


    "How do you plan on doing that?'''' I ask him, wanting to know why he feels like he will succeed.


    He winks "You just leave this to me. I have my ways."


    I look away from him because deep down I know that lance is just going to drag this innocent man into my mess.


    That is all my life is, a fucking mess.

 Chapter 160 - The Indirect Interrogation

    Lance.


    I end the call with Ford and all the heaviness that I tried to put away, comes crawling back out. I feel like shit. I can''t even think about it right now because I have to help Jack and Patrick. This should take a couple of hours at most and then I can focus on Ford.


    "Are you okay?'''' Jack asks once I settle inside his car.


    I nod "I just need all this to fucking end.''''


    "I hear ya. This is ridiculous." He mutters and I nod my head in agreement. A lot has happened in such a short time.


    "It will all be over soon." I try to assure him even though I am not really sure about that. I just need to make sure Patrick is okay so I can focus on Ford and getting him out. That is my main priority for now.


    We get to the location. It is a caf¨¦. I didn''t want somewhere private because I need to have people around in case she ends up being insane. Once jack parks his car, I turn to look at him "You have to stay here. She knows you so it might seem suspicious,'''' I tell him. If she even thinks we are working together, she will know there is something up. I want this to be as lowkey as possible. I want her to think I am trying to solve the mystery¡ªwell I actually am but I need it to seem like I have no ulterior motive.


    "Alright,'''' he settles as I get down from the car. Breens caf¨¦ is far from the apartment. I don''t even want to link this back to Patrick for any reason. We usually pass this caf¨¦ when going to school, it is always empty and secluded, so it comes as no surprise when I walk in and there is only a couple here. It is still early in the morning, so I didn''t really think there would be a crowd. This is good enough for me. in the corner of my eye, I see a woman seated on a table for two. Her head is down, almost like she is deep in thought. She is old¡ªmaybe she looks older than she really is. She is supposed to be in her forties but she looks sixty. Life must have dealt with her.


    I mean, it shows. You treat your kid like shit, what else do you expect. She looks up, just as I walk up to her. her eyes flicker from me to the door. She is probably thinking of an escape route. A way she will be able to run out if things go south. I don''t want things to go south but if they do, I plan to be on the right side.


    I stop in front of her table and manage a faint smile. I don''t want to seem too eager about this meeting. I want her to think I don''t really want to be here.


    I mean, I don''t want to be here but I have no choice. I have to be here; I have to help my friends. "Candice,'''' I call her name calmly.


    She nods immediately. I look at her table and there is a cup of coffee in front of her. "They wouldn''t let me stay without ordering something.'''' She informs me, even though I didn''t ask her.


    "Okay, do I need to order something?''''


    She shakes her head. "Just get to the point. What did my son tell you and how did you get my number?''''


    She doesn''t beat around the bush. I look around. No one seems to be paying attention to out conversation. My phone is already on record, in case she says anything incriminating. I want to have the evidence that I will need to exonerate Patrick.


    "We met at a club; he was really drunk. So, he went home with me.'''' I take a deep breath because even with this, I will have to mention the fact that Patrick seems to think he killed his father.


    "Go on,'''' she urges me.


    I sigh "He told me about his childhood. How he was abused. How you and your husband hurt him all those years.''''


    I see the guilt on her face. She is trying to hide it, that much I can tell but it is too obvious. There is no denying that Patrick was sincere in his story. He suffered a trauma that will always be with him. There are literal scars on him that will remind him of the torture, the pain these people caused him, but I need him to let it go. I need him to move on and find a happy future and he can''t do that with this woman still bothering him and torturing him with the reminders. He needs to eradicate them from his life completely. Maybe with this plan, she will leave him for good.


    "I never abused him. Not once,'''' she interjects, even though this is not about blame. I am not here to accuse her of abusing him. I just need to know what happened to his father. I need to know if he actually died that night.


    "I didn''t say you did. He said you saw it all, you made him feel worthless with your words. he said you hurt him the most because you didn''t do anything."


    Okay, maybe I am exaggerating. Adding a little spice to the story. He didn''t tell me anything. I am like a messenger to the story but I know how he feels. For years, I watched Jack suffer in silence. I didn''t do anything, I couldn''t protect him from his father, so I know how this feels. I know what it is like to watch someone being abused.


    "I couldn''t do anything. I was powerless,'''' she cries.


    I haven''t even said anything and she is already getting worked up "It is too late to go over the past. He said you have been asking for your husband. I know what happened to your husband.'''' I breathe out the biggest part of this plan. ''


    Her eyes open wide "What happened to him?'''' she asks. From the way she is acting, it already feels like she knows. She is hiding something. That is the only reason why she is entertaining me.


    She has to seem concerned.


    "He is dead,'''' I tell her blatantly.


    I mean, she already knew this. there is no way she doesn''t know this. I already know what happened that night. Even though she hasn''t given anything away.


    "That is not possible, he can''t be dead.'''' She stands up from the chair. I can sense her trying to escape this conversation.


    "That is the only thing that makes sense. It has been a year. Where could he possibly be?'''' I ask her.


    "I don''t know. That is why I am here, that is why I have been looking for him all this while.'''' She tells me.


    Makes no sense to me.


    "Why haven''t you called the cops. That is the best thing to do. If Patrick killed his father. He needs to pay for his crimes. We can''t cover it up.'''' I tell her like that is what I really want.


    She sits back down on the couch. Shaking her head incessantly. She doesn''t want to involve the cops.


    She has something to do with this.


    "We can''t call the cops. He is still my son.''''


    Oh, she is going for the caring mother. All those years that she maltreated him and now she wants to act like she gives a shit.


    "He is a murderer. He confessed a crime to me. I have to report it.''''


    God, I deserve an award for my acting. I almost believe myself right now. there is no way, she doesn''t believe me.


    "You can''t call the cops,'''' she glares at me angrily.


    I look away from her and see the barista at the counter. I am not alone here, a good idea to have brought here to a public place.


    "I have to unless something else happened that night. I mean, you did go home after he left. There should be a body. Didn''t you find a body?''''


    Her eyes open wide in shock at my words "There was no body,'''' I look at her hands. They are shaking. She is terrified. I have never seen a sloppier liar than this woman in front of me. all those months. She should have left her son. After the whole thing, she should have left him alone but she kept looking for him. Extorting him off his money, even though the secret involved the two of them.


    "I think there was. I think YOU found him¡­Alive. And you didn''t save him. You didn''t take him to the hospital. I think you were the one that killed him¡ªor should I say, you were the one that let him die. You killed your husband Candice.''''


    From the look on her face. I can bet my theory is right.


    Patrick didn''t kill his father. He might have hurt him badly but he was alive when he left. I am so sure of that.

 Chapter 161 - The Truth

    Lance.


    There are tears in her eyes.


    I can see the regret as they flood them. I am sure she is thinking she should have not come for this. I might have not gotten a confession from her but I see things clearly. She doesn''t have to admit what happened, there is no need to. She knows what happened that night.


    In fact, she is the only one that knows what happened to him.


    "You can''t just assume you know what happened. This is bullshit." She stands up from the chair. I remain seated. She is not going to leave. She has a lot to lose if I involve the police on this. She has known what happened to Patrick''s father for the whole year and she didn''t say anything¡ªinstead, she chose to blackmail her son, or should I say, manipulate him.


    "You are free to go. I will take all my assumptions to the cops. I mean, it is due time for that. A whole year has gone by and your husband has been missing. The least you can do is find out what happened to him.''''


    Her eyes flicker back and forth to me and the door. She wants to leave but something is stopping her. "You have no idea. You think you know everything but you don''t.''''


    I nod. "Why don''t you have a seat and tell me what you think it is that I don''t know."


    She takes one last look at the door and then settles back on the chair. The tears that have been threatening to fall, finally slip out of her eyes. She tries to wipe them away but I know how these things work. No matter how much you try to stop them, the faster they will fall. "I need you to leave Patrick alone. He has been through so much." I tell her blatantly because this is the reason why I am here. I am not here to find out what happened to his father, I don''t care about the man. To me, his is a monster. He deserved everything he got.


    Death was an easy way out for him.


    "He is my son,'''' she mumbles. It is even difficult for her to say those words. Deep down, she knows that she hasn''t really treated him like her son. She hasn''t been the best person to him and the best thing for her to do to make amends is to leave him alone. Let him leave his life and leave the past behind. "I love him,'''' she adds.


    I nod even though I do not believe her one bit "Patrick is finally getting his life together. Can you forget about everything that happened and move on?'''' I ask her.


    "He didn''t kill Benjie,'''' she finally confesses.


    I am guessing Benjie was her husband. "Are you going to tell me what happened that night?'''' I ask her because my phone is still recording. This is the confession that I will need to get her. This is the confession that will free Patrick completely.


    "Benjie wasn''t the best father, hell, he wants even the best husband. A drunk with anger issues that drove him insane. He would always get drunk and take it out on Patrick. I couldn''t do anything, I wasn''t strong enough."


    I don''t say anything even though I believe there was so much she could''ve done. She stayed in the marriage even though her husband turned their son into a punching bag. She had every right to leave and take her son with her. I know these things are not the easiest but that was what she needed to do, for her son. I remember Jack telling me that she was no different. Her words were her weapon that she would use to hurt him.


    "You weren''t any better.''''


    She nods "I was weak. I couldn''t handle it all and I took it out on him. He didn''t deserve all I did but it is too late to even ask for forgiveness.''''


    It is never too late but I remain quiet. I am not here to tell her what she could have done right. I am here to find out the truth. That is all that matters to me. She can go and fucking redeem herself on her own time.


    "So you thought it would be a good idea to watch him die?''''


    She shakes her head, "That is not what happened. I didn''t kill him,'''' she cries.


    I shake my head in disbelief.


    "Tell me what happened that night. I need to know why you wouldn''t leave Patrick alone.


    "I need the money."


    "For what?''''


    She shakes her head "You wouldn''t understand. He is the only one that can help us." She cries out like I even have a clue on what she is saying.


    Us?


    "What are you talking about?'''' I ask her. "who are you helping?''''


    It already feels like I know the answer before she even says anything. I take a deep breath as the words leave her lips and travel into the holes of my ear. I can''t even fathom that she would do such a thing.


    "He is not dead."


    My heart stops in my chest. Here I was, thinking I had problems in my life. I have been spoilt. I have treated my mother like she was a villain. Judged her so much even though through all her actions, she has tried to be there for me. She took in my best friend when he had no one. I used to think I had it bad. That my situation was terrible but listening to Candice. I see that people have it way worse than me¡ªin fact, I have had a pretty easy life. I have had a mother that suffered to make sure I wouldn''t suffer. She never let dad''s death deter her. She remained in the picture. She let me get away with a lot of things that I shouldn''t have.


    I have been a bitch to her.


    "Your husband is alive?" I ask her, still in complete and utter disbelief.


    She nods. Right now, there is no point in recording what she is saying anymore. I don''t need any evidence. All along, she has known that he was alive and she made Patrick feel like shit, knowing full well that he would think he killed her. She used his weakness to rob him, to extort him. He has been running away all this while when in reality he is the victim. He is the one that has been through so much shit.


    Fucking hell.


    I exhale heavily for the first time since I came here. For the first time, this feels like a fucking win. I might have not succeeded in getting Ford out of the hospital. I might feel like things haven''t been going well for us but right now, starting at this woman, knowing full well that she wouldn''t be able to bother Patrick again, just makes this all better.


    I needed this win.


    Fuck, I needed it even more than I thought.


    "I can''t do this on my own. I don''t have any money to take care of him. I will never be able to help him in the way that he needs,'''' she tells me. I can''t understand how someone will want to help someone that hurt her so much. That was his punishment. He deserves everything that happened to him.


    He deserves to suffer.


    "You need to leave Patrick alone,'''' I warn her.


    "I need to explain this to him. He will never forgive me If you tell him.'''' she grabs my hands in hers. Tugging on it roughly. There is nothing more I can do for her.


    She needs to deal with her baggage and not involve Patrick any longer. I leave the caf¨¦ with a sense of accomplishment. Jack looks up from his phone when he sees me. There is an eager expression on his face. He doesn''t have a clue on how that went. Slowly, a smile spreads to my face. The joy of what I did back there, showing.


    "How did it go?'''' he asks eagerly.


    "Exactly as we planned."


    I relay everything back to him. Explaining how she Benjamin didn''t die that night. How she manipulated Patrick into paying her husband''s bills, instead of telling him the truth. Jack listens but deep down, he already knows that they are free. That freedom that I will soon have with Ford.


    I don''t want to abandon mom but I have to get him out. I will save him before his father ends up killing him. This is not going to be easy. I know we are going to face challenges along the line.


    We get back to the apartment and Eren is waiting for me inside "Dude," he calls me with a smile on his face.


    What could possibly make him this happy? "Did he agree to it?'''' I ask him. This is my fight. I will not wait for anyone to give me what I want and what I want is Ford out of there.


    "You know it."

 Chapter 162 - Clarity

    Lance.


    "So, Manuel is tight with the guards. Literally all of them."


    I nod.


    This seems like a heist. Okay, maybe it is a heist. I plan on breaking him out of the hospital illegally. I am so pumped because I feel like things are turning around. Jack is with Patrick, explaining things to him. Eren is with me right now. Talking about the plan. So far, it seems like Manuel is going to do everything. "He will let us out, when the time is right.''''


    I nod, "Is this happening tonight?''''


    He shakes his head "Your name is on the guest list, so you can visit him whenever you want to. Manuel will just assist in getting you guys out." He explains.


    I close my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. I don''t want to get my hopes up right now because there is still the chance that this won''t work but I will have a little hope "When are we doing this?'''' I ask him.


    He smiles "Tomorrow, we want it to be done in a way where it doesn''t trace back to him. He needs this job."


    I nod. I don''t want to put anyone in trouble "I get that.''''


    He smiles "So he is going to be the distraction.'''' He tells me.


    I nod. I hear a knock on the door, which gets me up on my feet and to it. I see Patrick when I open the door. His eyes are red. It seems like he has been crying. I don''t even blame him, Jack must have told him everything. Jack is behind him, there is a smile on his face.


    "Hey¡ª" he jumps on me immediately cutting me off. His arms wrap around me and I let him hold me. This is his way of thanking me. Even though he doesn''t even need to. I will do anything for my friends and he is a good one. The things he had to go through never defined him. I just met him a couple of months back and he has been a good friend to me. He makes my brother happy. I will do anything for him.


    "Thank you so much,'''' he cries in my arms, I welcome him wholeheartedly.


    After a couple of seconds of embracing, he pulls away from me slightly "You have no idea what this means to me. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest.''''


    I nod "You don''t have to worry about them anymore. Your mother will never bother you again.''''


    I can''t completely assure him that he won''t have to worry about the woman but the truth is out. There is no need to think about this again. He doesn''t have to run away, he doesn''t have to hide from them any longer.


    "Thank you, Lance. You are God sent,'''' he hugs me again and I welcome him. Giving him the freedom to express his gratitude in any way that pleases him.


    This is his chance to be happy.


    He deserves it.


    *************


    They all leave with plans of Eren and Jack coming back tomorrow afternoon. I go into my room and grab his diary. I still haven''t finished it. I don''t know how I feel about everything that I have read so far. His mother seemed to have issues. Yeah, in his words, it seems like his father caused everything. That part is believable. He treated her the same way he is treating Ford. Like she was a disease that needed to be treated.


    I don''t know anymore.


    His granduncle switched sides. I was so sure that he was going to help us. I thought about it when he called. He seemed completely on Ford''s side. All he cared about was getting him out of the hospital and the minute he visits John, sides are switched. He suddenly believes the man. It makes no sense that he would just switch so fast but it also feels like there is a reason. Something must have happened.


    There has to be an explanation and I feel like I won''t get the answer from his book.


    I go to my bed and open to the page I stopped. I told him I would finish it, so I need to finish it and no matter what I read, I am still getting him out tomorrow.


    BRAD''S DIARY (Journal)


    Mom has been waking me up every night. She is always happy, which makes me happy. Ever since I swapped the meds, she has been smiling a lot. Dad has no clue, he is barely around anyways, which makes it easier.


    We always end up going for ice cream. She says we are having our own adventures. I like that we have a secret between us. At first, she will always come and wake me up but now, I am always ready before she even comes.


    I snuck into her room last night to talk to her. She told me that I should pack a bag tonight. That we were going to have a sleepover adventure.


    I can''t wait.


    I pause on the reading. From what I can gather, she has been taking her ten-year-old son at night to get ice cream. He seemed really excited for their adventures, I can sense and attachment to her.


    I turn the pages to the next entry.


    BRAD''S DIARY (JOURNAL)


    Hey.


    So, mom is gone.


    It has been six months since I wrote anything.


    I feel like I can''t breathe. Everything is suffocating. I woke up from the nightmare I thought I had and they told me she died in the car accident. All I remember from that night was dad leaving for another one of his business trips. I remember being all over her. Happy that we would soon have her trip. We were both so excited. We were supposed to go to the park, and then a hotel. She wanted some time away from the house and she wanted to be with me.


    I remember helping her pack her bag. I remember watching her go to the bathroom and grab the bottle of pills. The same one''s dad used to put in her drink.


    I told her not to take it.


    She said dad was making her. She said she didn''t have any choice but to take it. I wish I were big enough to stop her but I couldn''t. There was nothing I could do. I couldn''t stop it. I had succeeded all this while in making sure she didn''t take it and now, there was no point.


    I tried to get us out of the trip. I knew what would come from the meds, she would be sleepy and tired, but she wouldn''t listen to me. There was nothing I could do. Nothing to stop the accident.


    I don''t remember most of the car ride but when I close my eyes, I still see the truck. I still see her turn towards it.


    I close the book because I can''t take any more of it. There is nothing explanatory about this. This is an insight into how he feels but it doesn''t tell us the truth. It doesn''t show that John killed her. He wasn''t even around. John mentioned a bit of the accident last time and his story is different. Ford was a kid. He might have been confused about a lot of things.


    "Fuck, how do I know what is right?'''' I shout to myself.


    If I continue reading, I wouldn''t have the answers that I need.


    There seems to be a lot of confusion in his messages. If his mother took the pills on her own, then there is the probability that John wasn''t actually trying to hurt her. What if she needed it? What if Brad had been replacing the meds when his mother actually needed the pills?


    I run my hands through my hair from the frustration, turning the pages, there are only a few left. There is nothing else that I can get from it. There is no proof that John is a bad person.


    I grab my phone from the counter table and dial his number. He answers on the first ring "Lance, what a surprise,'''' he mutters. I hate the excitement in his voice.


    "I need to ask you a question,'''' I breathe into the phone. John will always be the enemy. As long as he continues to hurt Ford.


    "Go ahead.''''


    I take a deep breath "Mr Maxim mentioned that Ford''s mother was sick. Just like he is. How true is that?''''


    He sighs. I guess he is not so excited anymore. "I tried to keep her health a secret. I didn''t want people to know.''''


    "That doesn''t answer my question,'''' I blurt out.


    "Ava had a lot of problems. She was bipolar like him, her lows were the worst. she was also diagnosed with schizophrenia. She would see things that were never there. There was no cure to it. The only thing we could do were the meds. They were the only things that could help. I tried to hide it from Brad. I didn''t want him to have to bear the burden. She agreed to keep it a secret, as long as she could remain home. Taking her meds was the most difficult part of her disorders. She would never take them consistently, we had a lot of fights. Talks on how to make things better. After a while, we settled on me giving them to her."


    "For a while, they made her down, she would spend days in bed but they started working. She was herself again."


    My heart beats in my chest. I am afraid of his next words. The fear that he will say what I already knew.


    "Until the accident. I thought she was getting better. I thought I could leave her with him alone again. I guess I was wrong."


    Fucking hell.

 Chapter 163 - As Long As He Is With Me

    Lance.


    I couldn''t sleep a wink last night.


    I read all the pages of the journal, tried to find something that will tell me more. Tell me something that is from him and him alone. I don''t understand anything anymore. If John is not the bad guy, then who is. We have been blaming him for everything. We have been accusing him of all the crimes.


    I even got mom to doubt him.


    I know she loves him. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at him. She loves him so much and she was doubtful of him. Thanks to me.


    What do I do now?


    It''s four o clock in the morning. I have been awake all night. I tried to sleep. I tried to think of a way out of this. Maybe John is not the bad guy that we all thought he was, but he is not a saint. He hasn''t been the best father to Ford. I have witnessed him act like a fucking Jerk. He is not as innocent as he is claiming to be.


    I put on a pair of slides and go out of the apartment. I need some fresh air to breathe. The apartment has been suffocating. I have been unable to even think in there. Eren is supposed to come over tomorrow. We are supposed to get him out of the hospital.


    Do I still want to do that?


    If I leave him in there, after promising to get him out, he will assume that I have abandoned him. Everyone seems to have abandoned him. I can''t be part of that.


    I walk out of the door and up the stairs to the roof. I have never felt as alone as I feel right now. Jack is with Patrick. They are in their bubble, usually, he would be with me right now and it is not like I don''t understand, I just feel so empty and the only person that can get me out of this funk is locked up and as alone as I am.


    I open the doors to the roof and I see Patrick. He turns around slowly and a smile sprawls on his face "A part of me just knew you would come up here,'''' he breathes out.


    I smile as I walk over to him. There is a joint in between his fingers. It is already lit and halfway out. Guess he has been out here for a while. "Can''t sleep?''''


    I nod and rest my elbows on the edge. He looks back out into the night sky. I follow his eyes. The stars are out and brightly lit around the half-formed moon. The streets are quiet, there is barely anyone outside. "Not at all. You know I am basically about to commit a crime,'''' I confess.


    "Yeah, Jack told me. Are you sure you want to do that?''''


    I shrug. In all honesty, I don''t know what I want to do anymore. There are so many conflicting thoughts running through my mind. So many things running through my mind. I think about the fact that he thought he was doing the right thing by swapping the meds when he was a kid when in truth, he was just hurting her the more. If he had left her to continue taking her meds, she might still be alive. I know it is not his fault.


    His father sheltered him, tried to hide the fact that his mother was sick. He was seen as the villain if he had just been honest about everything. All that happened might have been avoided. I know The past can''t change but I wish it didn''t have to happen the way it did.


    "I have to. I hate being apart from him.''''


    He nods in understanding. Finally, I can say he knows how I feel. I see the way he looks at my best friend. The love in his eyes. He finally knows how I feel.


    He can finally understand me.


    "What if he actually needs to be in there? What if you are making a mistake?''''


    That question has been running through my mind all night. I keep thinking about it. Wondering If I will become the monster. The person that ends up hurting him, in the disguise of helping him.


    "I don''t know. I don''t want to second guess myself. I don''t want to think about this too much."


    If I think about this too much, I will lose my mind. I will look for ways to keep him in there. I mean, I read the diary. there are things that are not clear. I have doubts about the whole thing. I might end up doing more harm but I already promised him that I will believe in him and only him. I already told him that I will fight for him. I will find a way to be with him again. if I start to listen to reasoning, I will hurt him the same way the people that are supposed to protect him have.


    His uncle and cousin abandoned him. his father and my mother abandoned him. I can''t do that to him. No matter what.


    "So, what''s the plan after the breakout?'''' I am glad and grateful he has changed the topic. I am sure he could tell that it was touchy and was making me uncomfortable.


    "I don''t know.''''


    "Do you want to skip town or just stay here?"


    "I can''t stay here. You know his dad wouldn''t let him be with me.'''' at this point, I don''t even think it is even about us. I don''t even think it has anything to do with him being gay. Here I was, thinking that being gay and stepbrothers would be our biggest challenges. I thought that would be the main focus. The obstacles that we would have to deal with. It has become so much more than that. Almost like John doesn''t even care about all that. Like his only worry is his son''s mental health.


    I have even started worrying about the things I thought I could handle. I thought it would be a walk in the park. I didn''t mind that he would have ups and downs¡ªfuck, everyone has ups and downs but right now, it seems like more. It is not just about his bipolar disorder.


    "I think you should do it, Lance. It seems like you are the only one that genuinely cares about him."


    I love him. I don''t want anything to happen to him. he is my only source of happiness. The one person I want to be with all the time. I am not even thinking about all that we will have to face. All I can think about is being with him.


    "I know. I have to do this,'''' I repeat his exact words.


    He smiles, for the first time, I look at him. he looks different. Happier. This is all thanks to me. if I try, I can achieve anything. I can be with Ford. We can be happy together.


    "Thanks, Patrick.''''


    He takes a whiff of his blunt and then closes his eyes "I would''ve offered you some but I think right now you need your mind in one place,'''' he laughs. I can''t help but join him in his laughter. Patrick has always been easy to talk to. From the first time, I met him. I always knew we would get along. Somehow, we have a lot in common.


    "You should actually get some rest, tomorrow is a big day for you,'''' he reminds me. even though that is like the elephant in the room. I don''t think I will get any shut-eye. My mind is focused on getting Ford out and all the things that could possibly go wrong. I don''t want to be negative. In fact, I need all the positivity right now but I am still scared. Worried that I will fail him and in turn, something terrible will happen to him.


    These are all the things that will keep running through my mind until he is with me, even when I finally get him out of there. I have to think of a plan. I have to make sure he is in an environment that will keep him sane.


    I still think about the day he told me about his suicide attempt. Granted, he didn''t do it, he didn''t even try. Mostly because of me, as he said but I keep thinking there could be the next time. He would lose all hope again without me in his life and try to hurt himself.


    I need to get him out of there, because as long as he has me. he will be fine. He will not hurt himself.


    we will take the vacation we talked about. we will skip town for a couple of weeks. stay in our bubble, figure out what will make us happy.


    I don''t plan on letting him down.


    I don''t plan on ever letting him go.

 Chapter 164 - The Embrace You Need

    Jack.


    I know when he left the room. There is this relief that I felt when Lance walked into the car and told me everything. Trick''s problem basically became mine. When he told me everything, I felt it in my core. I felt like I needed to do something and even if lance is the one to thank. I am glad that we came to this point.


    I stayed in bed with him, I tried to wrap him around my arms, show him that I am the comfort he needs but deep down, I wasn''t even surprised when he left the bed. When he walked out of the apartment. I get that he needed space. It is a lot to take in. his mother literally lied to him for a year. She made him think he had committed murder when in truth, he didn''t even do anything but defend himself.


    She was so desperate to collect money from him that she manipulated him for so long. I don''t even know what is going on in his mind but I feel for him. I wish I could take all the remaining pain from his heart. I wish he could forget it all and we could finally move on. We are two people that are so alike, having had the same situations growing up and maybe it is for the best. I mean, I completely understand him and he does the same too.


    It''s been an hour since he left the apartment and maybe I should worry but I know he will be fine. This is not the moment to worry. Trick has this thing where he likes to be in his shell. He doesn''t want me to feed off his energy. He likes to be alone sometimes. I can''t believe that I know him to the point where I know this about him. Lance is the only person that I have ever known and he is like a brother to me. Trick has become the one for me. the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with.


    He has become everything.


    The moment I hear the door close, I pull the covers over my head. I don''t want him to come into the room and see me waiting up for him. I hear his footsteps in the kitchen, I hear the shouldn''t the fridge makes as he opens it. I close my eyes, with my fake sleep pretense. It takes him a while to walk into the room and the minute he does, he climbs on the bed. His weight presses the mattress. The first thing I smell is weed. He has been smoking.


    I know he smokes. It helps him take the edge off and I guess this is the way he is going to get over everything that happened. His arms wrap around my waist as he pulls me closer. I have never been a fan of weed. I don''t really like the smell but right now, at this moment, in his arms, it has become my favorite smell.


    "I know you are awake,'''' he whispers into the night. He sounds like he is smiling. I cant see his face because the room is dark but from his voice, I can tell he is smiling. Does that even make any sense?


    "Jack,'''' he calls my name calmly. He is in his Zen mode. High Trick is one of my favorites. I love that he is slow at everything when he is high. The way he walks, the way he talks. I start to imagine him fucking me when he is high.


    God, that will be insane.


    "I am not awake,'''' I respond to him.


    This gets a laugh out of him. "You know I always know when you are awake,'''' he whispers into my ear. "You snore when you are not pretending to be asleep,'''' he adds teasingly.


    I push him away from me and he tries to grab me but I am off the bed in an instant. He jumps up immediately and tries to catch me but I am out of the room in an instant. Remember saying he is slow when high¡ªwell it takes him a minute to get out into the living room and try to catch me.


    His eyes are wide open. Sleep is far from his books. I know I should probably be sleeping. We are going to get Ford out of the hospital tomorrow and lance said I should get all the rest I need. I don''t actually think it will be that difficult to get him out. It is just a hospital. I mean how hard can it be?


    "Come here,'''' he stomps his feet to the floor in the cutest way I have ever seen. I am in a corner in the living room, behind the couch. The living is dark, except for a little lamp on the table.


    "And what if I refuse?'''' I raise a brow in a sort of ''I challenge you'' way.


    ''he laughs again. Everything is funny to Trick when he is high. He takes a step closer to me. I wait for him to make his move. It is five in the morning and we are acting like a bunch of five-year-olds.


    "I will come to you,'''' he runs over to him and I let him catch me because being in his arms is better than whatever we are doing right now. he lifts me off the ground immediately and I shriek from the shock. "let me go,'''' I plead playfully. He laughs even louder than earlier just as he throws me on the couch and climbs unto me.


    "What if I don''t want to?'''' he drawls out his words, my heart thumps loudly against his chest. He can hear it¡ªprobably and from the smile on his face, I can tell that he likes my reaction. He likes that he makes me weak, that my heart only responds to him.


    He leans closer to me. our lips are just inches apart. I want to kiss him badly "I need you to move in with me,'''' he blurts before I can press my lips to his. I furrow my brows in confusion. Not sure why he is saying this. we basically live together already. I don''t even go home that often. Most of my things are here, in his house. So I don''t know what brought this up. This is not even the time. I want him to fuck me again. Not talk about my father and the problems that come with him.


    "I live with you already,'''' I remind him because it seems like he has forgotten.


    He shakes his head "You know what I am talking about,'''' he reaches for me and brushes his thumb against the bruise on my lip. Most of my injuries are healing. The black eyes is a purple shade. In a couple of weeks, we both won''t remember all the pain he inflicted on me. okay, maybe it is not something I can forget but I will try my best to.


    "What are you talking about?'''' I actually have no clue. I don''t know what he is thinking about right now.


    "I don''t want you to go back to that man.''''


    Now I know what he is talking about. "I already explained this to you. I can''t leave him yet."


    He sighs and then gets off me. I hate that the conversation turned into this. I hate that we couldn''t just keep having fun without bringing up all the problems in our lives.


    "I don''t want you there anymore. I didn''t have the opportunity to leave. I didn''t have anyone to pull me out of my situation but I can do that for you¡­I can be that for you.''''


    His cry is desperate. I see it in his eyes. He wants to do this for me but this has everything to do with him. this isn''t really about me. this is about him.


    "We have each other now Trick. No one is going to be in that situation. We are not going to lose to the toxicity of our parents." I stand up from the couch and walk over from him. I knew this was bothering him. I don''t know how he is feeling about the whole thing but he isn''t just happy. He might have gotten out of the situation but the fact that it still happened will haunt him.


    I pull him by the end of his shirt and he walks over to me slowly. His eyes are red, tears welling on the outside. He rests his head on my shoulder and exhales a breath "He was never dead,'''' he mumbles so low but I hear him because he is the only one, I am paying attention to. "They made me think he was dead, for a whole year I had nightmares. For a whole year, I thought I killed him.''''


    I embrace him because that is all I can do.


    This too shall pass.

 Chapter 165 - He Is Free.

    Lance.


    Today is the day.


    The day I have planned to get him out of that hospital.


    I have been at the apartment waiting for Eren. He keeps saying there is a plan, but I actually don''t think there is a plan. We just go and wait for this Manuel guy. He is the one that will be doing all the work. I will just be there to take him with me.


    "You gotta stop pacing dude, that shit is distracting,'''' Jack speaks up. He is watching me from the couch. I can''t help myself.


    "I can''t, I didn''t sleep a wink last night,'''' I confess. All night, I kept thinking, I kept worrying. There are so many things that could go wrong and I don''t want it to be because of me.


    "My boyfriend couldn''t sleep either, so I couldn''t sleep. So I guess we both didn''t sleep a wink last night,'''' he informs me.


    I stop pacing and raise a brow at him. he watches me "You just said boyfriend,'''' I point out. This is shocking to me because Jack of a couple of weeks and Jack of now are totally different. He was just teasing me about having a boyfriend and now he can casually say he has one.


    He shrugs "Oh well, it is what it is,'''' he says as he picks up his phone. Patrick is at work. He seems to be a workaholic. Or maybe it is just that he likes what he does.


    A knock comes from the door which makes me run over to it. I open the door and Eren smiles at me excitedly "Come on,'''' he breathes out with a wave.


    I grab my wallet and the bag I had packed. There is nothing much in it. just a couple of clothes. All the things I will need for this escape. I don''t know how long we will be on the run. Maybe until he is eighteen, which is in two months. I am sure we can handle being away for two months. I have some money saved up. Now I can leave without even worrying about Jack. He has Patrick now.


    We walk out of the house and into Jack''s car "You''re gonna need my car, right?'''' he asks.


    I don''t have a car and it is not because we couldn''t afford one. I just never saw the need for one. Jack always took me everywhere with him. it is not like I ever needed it but a car would be good about now. I don''t want us to use Ford''s car because John could track us with it. I don''t want anyway that they would find us. Then this whole thing would be futile.


    I need to make this all worth it. I don''t want him to have to worry about his father and the people that turned their backs against him. we will start a new life wherever we end up.


    We get to the hospital and Eren speaks up "So they will only let you in. since you''re the only one on the list but we will be here, just wait until Manuel signals you.'''' He tells me.


    I nod "How will I know who he is?''''


    He waves his hand in the air "Don''t you worry about that, he will come to meet you guys,'''' he assures me "Besides Ford knows him,'''' he adds.


    I get down from the car with them wishing me good luck. I need all the luck I can get because I am nervous as hell. The confusion and uncertainly still springs up every couple of seconds. I walk into the building and the first person I see is the security guard by the door. He is dressed in a uniform. He looks very unfriendly but you can''t really judge these things by that. There is no way we will be able to walk out of here if this man is still in front of this entrance.


    "Hello,'''' the nurse at the reception greets me.


    "I am here to see Ford Hilly,'''' I tell her calmly. My hands are shaking but I am trying to keep a poker face. I am so nervous that I am sweating through my clothes but the woman doesn''t notice.


    "Come with me," she walks out of her booth and she leads me to that same room. The one I met him in with his cousin the last time I was here. The room is empty except for the tables and chairs. The room walls are white and they look padded. Everyone seems to think he is damaged that he needs an extra eye but I don''t see that. Ford doesn''t need all this. he is fine. He doesn''t need the special attention. He doesn''t need the eyes and drugs.


    He just needs me.


    I sit down on one of the chairs and my eyes remain fixed on the door. I want to see him again. I want to hold him in my arms. I can''t wait for the end of the day when we won''t have any restrictions.


    When we can be together all day and all night.


    The door opens and he walks in with another nurse. This one is a man. There is a smile on his face as he walks up to us but my eyes remain fixed on my boyfriend. It looks like he has lost weight and it has just been a couple of days. Is he not eating here?


    His skin is pale, there are dark circles around his eyes. He isn''t eating and sleeping. He is dressed in a pair of grey sweats and a plain white shirt. His hair is longer than the last time I saw him¡ªmessy like just poured water on him. my heart is breaking because this is him in pain. He is hurting badly and there is nothing I could have done to prevent this.


    "Hello Lance, I am Manuel,'''' he stretches his hand out for a handshake and I take his hand in mine, forcing my eyes away from Ford. "So, spend a couple of minutes in here and I will summon you guys out when it is safe for you to leave,'''' he winks.


    I nod because I don''t have the words. I just need to get him out of here and it seems like it will be possible soon.


    Once Manuel leaves the room, Ford wraps his arms around me. his breathing is heavy, against my chest. "I missed you so much,'''' he cries, not even hiding how much this hurts. I completely understand how he feels. I couldn''t see him even though he was so close to me. to me, it seems unfair but now we don''t have to worry about it anymore. He bends his head backward, pulling away from me, and his lips press to mine roughly. I know how long it has been since I had the chance to kiss him. the freedom to love him.


    I am here with him and that is all that matters to me.


    "Don''t leave me again,'''' he cries.


    "I promise you, I will never leave you again. I will get you out of here and we will be happy." It might seem like an empty promise because I can''t really control the situation with his father but I will keep fighting, I will make sure he doesn''t end up like his mother. I will make sure that I continue believing in him.


    The door opens before we even have a chance to sit down and Manuel gestures for us to follow him. "Come on, we are going to take the employees exit,'''''' he tells me.


    That wasn''t the plan. As I said, there really isn''t any plan. The only thing I need is to get him out. Everything else is insignificant.


    We walk out of the room and I hold Ford''s hand in mine. I don''t plan on letting go of him until we are out of the hospital. "I had to disassemble to cameras. I can''t have this being traced back to me,'''' he whispers as we walk through corners.


    We get to a door and he leads us down the stairs of a place that looks like a basement. I don''t even know where this leads but as long as we get to see the sun in a couple of minutes, then I will be fine. We keep walking until the final door that leads to the outside world. Ford''s freedom.


    Once outside, he squeezes my hand. I don''t blame him for being afraid. I am scared too but I have to be the strong one. I have to be the shoulder that he can lean on. "We are fine,'''' I assure him.


    "I called Eren, they are waiting for us down the street."


    This was easy but I don''t want to speak too soon and Jinx it. I see the parking lot of the hospital, where I left my friends. We keep walking until I see the car. My heart races against my chest, all the anxiety that I have been feeling slowly wiping away.


    He is free.

 Chapter 166 - Before It Is Too Late

    Lance.


    "God, I didn''t think it would be so hard to say goodbye to you,'''' Jack runs his hands through his hair. His eyes are red but there are no tears in them. This is not goodbye but Jack is choosing to be dramatic right now.


    I am not saying goodbye to him because this will be temporary. I will still see him again. Eventually, Ford will be free. He wouldn''t have to conform to his father''s rules. He will be his own person and then we will come back. We will be with our friends again.


    "This is not goodbye,'''' I assure him. This is not the end for us. He is my brother. I will never move on from him.


    "Kind of feels like it is,'''' he mutters sadly. I don''t know what I could possibly say to make things better. I mean, I might not see him for a while.


    "You can''t say this is goodbye for now,'''' I manage. It makes sense. At least while we are apart. This will be goodbye until we see each other again.


    "Cheeky bastard,'''' he slaps my shoulder playfully. I sneak a glance at Ford. He is very quiet. I don''t know. Maybe everything is taking a toll on him. There is no pressure to say anything. I want him to just relax until I can get him to safety.


    "You should hit the road, once John figures out that he is gone, he will look for him here first,'''' he tells me.


    It has just been about an hour since we left the hospital. Someone is bound to notice that he is missing. I guess we will find out soon. Jack will be my eyes and ears. He will let me know whatever happens.


    He closes the car door "Take care of my baby,'''' he slaps his jeep. He is doing me a solid by loaning me his car.


    "I will bring her back to you,'''' I promise him. At least, for now, he can look forward to seeing his car again. That will give me a reason to come back home.


    I leave jack and a part of me feels the sadness. I don''t want this, I wish I didn''t have to leave my best friend. I look at Ford as I start the car, he manages a faint smile. It doesn''t seem sincere. I don''t know what I could do to make things better.


    "Hi,'''' I breathe out that one word.


    He looks at me, the expression on his face is cold. I don''t want to treat him like he is fragile, the way everyone has been treating him. I want things to go back to normal. I want us to go back to normal but I don''t know how to do that.


    "Hi,'''' he responds quietly.


    He is acting weird, maybe he is overthinking like I am. Maybe he doesn''t want things to change. Nothing has changed. He is still the boy I fell in love with. He is still the only one I love.


    "I got a couple of your things from your house. Some fresh clothes, your phone, and other stuff." I tell him.


    "We should throw the phone away. So that he can''t track us," he says a long sentence for the first time today. He sounds like himself in that second, even though we are talking about running away from home. In all my life, I never thought I would leave my mom. I don''t want to have her worry but that is what is going to happen.


    "I need to communicate with my mom. If I get rid of my phone she will worry.''''


    "He will find us if she knows anything."


    He is suddenly so on board this escape. Now that I have him here, I am sure we will be fine. "Can we just wait until I call her? Let her know that we are okay."


    He nods and I continue our drive. I want us to be as far away from home as possible. We get to the hotel I had booked for us in a town outside home. It takes us an hour and a half to get there. I park the car and he gets down from it before me. I have seen him like this before. This is not the first time he has been in a funk. I don''t know how long this will last but I know he will come back around. I walk out of the car and open the boot, bringing out the bag I packed. He watches me, with a curious stare "I got some of your meds from your bathroom, I didn''t know the ones you would need. So I took them all.''''


    I try to open the bag but he grabs my hand to stop me "Can we just go up to the room?'''' he sounds very tired. I grab the handle of the bag and he reaches for it "I''ll carry it up." He collects it from me with a smile.


    Thinking about it this way, I have no plan. No idea what we are going to do. Where we will go. Once they find out we are gone, they will look for us. My mom will worry, his dad will be upset. I thought it would be easier than it is. I don''t know how long the money I have will last.


    We check into the room and he opens the door. It is a one bed suite. Not the best. The one that made the most sense to me. I didn''t want to splurge because I didn''t want us to run out of money.


    "Is the room okay?'' I ask him as he places the bag on the floor in front of the bed.


    He looks at me, his expression is blank "It is hard to talk right now. Can we just call it a night?'''' he asks hopefully.


    I nod because I don''t know the right thing to say right now. He walks over to me and I am in his arms immediately "I promise, I will come back around. I just need to lie down,'''' he explains further. I have studied a lot about bipolar disorder to know that this is normal. In the website, they said it could last for days, months. Sometimes a couple of hours. Right now, everything that has happened must be overwhelming to him. He must be terrified and he doesn''t know how to handle it all. I don''t even know how to handle this. I am scared too but I need to be strong for him.


    I nod.


    He presses his lips to mine softly. The kiss is innocent, not like I was expecting anything more than he gave. His hands are still holding unto mine tightly, the minute he lets go, I feel the empty void. I want to hold him in bed, I want to be by his side but I don''t know if he wants that. I don''t want to push him. I watch him as he walks over to the bed and pulls the covers out. He is still dressed in the hospital sweats. It doesn''t seem like he plans on taking them off tonight. I walk out to the small balcony with my phone. The wind hits me immediately. I unlock my iPhone and there are a bunch of missed calls from mom.


    I knew she would call.


    She must be so upset.


    Ford thinks they would be able to track us with the phones and I don''t doubt him. We might both be paranoid right now. His father might not be the bad guy we are making him out to be but he will still want to find his son. He is a wealthy man, I am sure if he plans on tracking us, it wouldn''t be that hard.


    I dial her number and she answers on the first ring.


    "Where the hell are you, Lance,'''' she shouts so loud into the phone.


    I take a deep breath because I need to explain this to her in the calmest way possible. I need to make sure she understands that this is not about her. That I am doing this for the love I have for him.


    "I am sorry mom. I had to do this,'''' I explain.


    "Get your butt back home this instant." Her voice is so loud that I have to move the phone away from my ear. I knew she wouldn''t understand why I am doing this.


    No one will.


    "I can''t. I called you to let you know that I am okay. Ford is okay,'''' I assure her.


    "This is wrong Lance. I told you that I believed you. I told you that I was going to help you. why couldn''t you just fucking wait for me.''''


    She is swearing.


    She is upset.


    "Mom, I couldn''t sit back and watch him suffer. I had to do something. I had to get him out of there,'''' I tell her honestly.


    She sighs loudly "Bring him back home Lance before it is too late,'''' she warns me.


    I look at the glass revolving doors that lead back into the room. from where I am, I can see his figure on the bed. He is under the covers. He must be exhausted.


    "I am sorry mom,'''' I end the call before she can say anything else and switch off the phone.

 Chapter 167 - The Blame Game

    Lance.


    I open my eyes to Ford staring at me with a bright smile. I went asleep late last night. After my call with mom, I was worried and that made me overthink a lot. I had to switch off my phone because of the fear that they would find us kept eating me up.


    "Morning,'''' he smiles.


    I pull the covers over my body and he pulls me into his arms. He is happy this morning "What time is it,'''' I try to turn around but his grip around me is tight.


    "Six in the morning,'''' he answers.


    This is a high day for him. In my research, people with Bipolar disorder have high and low days. I thought his low day yesterday was going to last for a while. That was my biggest worry but here he is now with a smile on his face. He is happy and that means we can spend some time together. We can be the way we were before.


    "It''s so early,'''' I exclaim. He lets go of me and his eyes bore into mine. They are sparkling this morning, it makes me happy and all the doubts I had yesterday, vanish.


    "I couldn''t sleep with you next to me,'''' he grabs me again and carries me up to his lap. My eyes close immediately because I have missed him. I have missed this. "I have missed you so much,'''' he reads my mind as he places soft kisses on my face. it is weird that in the span of a couple of hours, his mood changed so drastically. Not that I am complaining. I like it when he is happy.


    "We should order breakfast, have a feast,'''' he exclaims excitedly.


    I don''t want to be the bummer that lets him know that we don''t have so much money. All my savings amount to a thousand dollars. That is why I chose this hotel. It wasn''t too expensive but if we spend lavishly, we will run out.


    "Okay,'''' I tell him because I like him happy.


    He leans forward until the phone by the bedside table it pulled so far that the cord is hanging. He places it on his ear and dials the kitchen. I am still sitting on his lap, frankly, I don''t want to let go. I like the position we are in. it feels like home.


    "Hello,'''' he breathes into my ear. The sound gives me goosebumps. "Yeah, can I have all that you have on meu for breakfast?''''


    I stiffen against him "Hey, you can''t do that. We don''t have enough money,'''' I tell him, interrupting his conversation. He furrows his brow "Hold on a sec,'''' he informs the person on the other end of the call. He covers the phone with his hand.


    "What do you mean?''''


    I sigh. So much for not wanting to be a bummer. Now I have to tell him that he cant spend money as he is used to. "I only have about a thousand bucks. This room is probably going to take the majority of it. so we can only order one thing off the menu.''''


    "I have money,'''' he reminds me.


    I nod "I know but we don''t have your cards,'''' I remind him that his wallet is probably with his dad. As long as we don''t have his wallet, we don''t have his money.


    "We can get another one. I can go to the bank for a new card. Cancel the old one.'''' He informs me.


    "Won''t your dad know about that, he will be able to track us with that,'''' I remind him that we are kinda on the run. We can''t be leaving traces of where we could be.


    "This money is from my trust fund. He doesn''t have access to it," he tells me excitedly.


    I don''t think it is a good idea but he would know better about his money. "It doesn''t matter. We shouldn''t be spending so much right now Ford. You cant even finish all the food you want to order,'''' I am being too naggy. I don''t like it but one of us has to be the adult one. I thought he would take that role but I guess it is on me.


    "Okay," he accepts.


    He orders eggs and sausages with toast and coffee and I tell him that I want the same. Once he is done with his phone conversation, he looks at me with a smile "You seem tense,'''' he points out.


    I nod "I am, this is all weird to me. I don''t know what we are going to do next,'''' I confess because for now, I think he can handle all the uncertainty.


    He nods "Did you call your mom?''''


    "Yeah, she was pissed.''''


    "I am sure my dad is too. He will try to control this, even though he is not even here. He will hate this.''''


    I know how he feels. John is very controlling. He likes to do things his way. He will not accept this. He will try to find us. He might even succeed but I hope Ford turns eighteen before he does.


    "You will be eighteen soon. He wouldn''t be able to control you anymore.'''' I remind him that his birthday is coming soon.


    He smiles "Yeah. But do you really think that will stop him?'''' he asks.


    I shrug "We don''t have to worry about that right now. All that matters is that we are together and there is nothing he or anyone else can do about it.''''


    His smile is everything I can ask for. It makes me feel like this was the right thing to do.


    **************************


    John.


    I never would have thought that Lance will take him.


    At this point, I am tired of Ford and all his problems. If I didn''t know how serious this could turn, I would have left him with the kid. For now, I have to find a way to get him back before it ends up in a dire situation.


    "Do you know how serious this is?'''' I ask Marybell. She has a guilty expression on her face. Almost like she feels like this is her fault. I don''t blame her, at the end of it all. it is my fault. I haven''t been the best father to Brad. I should have done better. Maybe if I had done things differently, maybe handled things in another way, we wouldn''t be where we are.


    "Come here,'''' I stretch my hands out for her and she walks over to me slowly. "This is not your fault¡­okay? I don''t want you blaming yourself for this.'''' I tell her.


    She nods her head in my arms "I am just so worried. He has never done anything like this before.''''


    "He is a teenager, they do these kinds of things. I will look for them. You have my word,'''' I caress her hair softly. I don''t want her to panic or worry but I can''t help but feel worried about the whole situation. My son is sick, he could hurt himself¡ªor worse, he could hurt Lance.


    I don''t want to think about that right now because I have seen them together. He loves him¡ªthere is no way he will hurt him. I don''t even want to be thinking worst-case scenario. My phone rings and I let go of her and grab it. it is my uncle. I don''t want to talk to him. He will just judge me and blame me for everything like he always does.


    "Hello.''''


    "Have you found him?" he asks immediately.


    "No, Lance called Marybell, so they are okay. I will find him,'''' I assure him because this doesn''t even concern him. The fact that Ford just involved him in this just makes me upset. I have tried to keep his problems away from the family. I didn''t want anyone to see him as the sick kid. I tried to shield him from the world and judgment but he will always see me as the bad guy, I will always be the monster that killed his mother.


    "You are not doing anything."


    I sigh, as I said, he will just accuse me and blame me for the whole thing. I don''t even have the energy for him right now "You don''t have to worry about anything Uncle. I will find him.''''


    I end the call and Marybell walks back into my arms. We just got married. I didn''t want to have her involved in Brad''s drama but her son involved himself. He made her feel like this is all on her and I hate that the most "Don''t worry about anything." I assure her with hopes that my assurance will not end up in negatives.


    I know what Ford is capable of. I know what he can do when he is not on his meds. If by chance, he doesn''t take his meds.. He could end up doing something terrible but I don''t want to think about that now, I just have to make sure I find him.

 Chapter 168 - The Vivid Flash Of A Memory

    Ford.


    "She can''t be dead, please no.'''' I cry.


    My heart is racing in my chest. My hands are shaking. I have never hated anyone as much as I hate the man in front of me. He is the one that did this. This is all his fault. I tried to protect her, I tried to save her but he won in the end.


    "I am sorry son,'''' he manages. He looks so sad but I know better than to believe him. This is what he wanted. All along, he wanted her dead. I knew about it and I couldn''t save her. I am not going to believe him. I will always know the secret he wanted to take with him.


    "Don''t call me your son. I hate you,'''' I can''t forgive him for this. I will always remember the hurt he caused her. I will hate him for her.


    "Brad, what are you talking about?'''' he asks, confused.


    He took her from me and now he wants me to think that he is innocent. I know his tactics. I will not fall for his scheme.


    "Please leave me alone,'''' I try to get up from the hospital bed but there are too many things attached to me. I want him to leave me alone right now. "I want to be alone,'''' I tell him with a cold stare. I don''t have the strength to cry. These days have taken away all my energy. They have taken everything from me.


    "I understand that you are hurt. You just lost your mother and I know how much you loved her but I love you and I am here. I want you to know that I will always be here by your side,'''' he tries to give me assurance but I don''t believe a word he is saying. I will never believe him again. For the rest of my life, he will always be the man that killed my mother.


    I will make sure he suffers for his crime.


    I open my eyes to another dream. It has been a week since Lance got me out of the hospital and I have been having recurring dreams of the incident after mom died. I remember some of the memories but the rest seem unfamiliar. Almost like they never happened. Lance has been acting weird around me. he is the only one on my side and I trust him one hundred percent but it seems like he doesn''t trust me alone. He thinks I will do something to hurt myself.


    I get that everyone thinks I am crazy but he is the one person that still believes in me. He is the only person that sees the other side of me. The door to the room opens and he walks in. he is dressed in a pair of sweats and a plain dark blue t-shirt. He smiles when he notices me "Oh, you''re up,'''' he exclaims, slowly walking up to me. He is drenched in sweat, it should be gross but I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him closer to me.


    He climbs up the bed and I smash my lips to his hungrily. I have been taking my meds. The ones he brought but one of them is missing. I don''t know how to tell him that he didn''t bring everything. I don''t want him to worry but I also know that it won''t be good for me if I spiral. I got my card two days ago. So we have money now. I need a prescription from my doctor to get it, so I can''t even get it off the counter.


    He pulls back from the kiss and I let out a sigh. He can tell that something is wrong even though I haven''t even said anything "Is something wrong?'''' he asks worriedly.


    I close my eyes because I promised to be honest with him. There are no secrets. The more secrets we keep the more problems we will have.


    "It''s not a big deal, and I don''t want you to worry.'''' I start with that, even though just telling him not to worry, I know that is what he is going to do.


    "What happened?'''' he demands already thinking the worst.


    I sigh "One of my meds isn''t in the bag you brought.''''


    He furrows his brows "Is it one of the important ones?" he asks, already sounding worried.


    I nod.


    "Can we get it off the counter?"


    I shake my head. It is not like I don''t already know all these things. I have already thought about it and the only option is going back home to get it or calling my doctor. Which won''t work right now. The minute I do that, dad will find me.


    "Are you sure it is in your room?"'' he asks me.


    He is thinking of a solution that doesn''t exist "We have to go back. You need it right?''''


    His questions are becoming too much. They are making me panic and I shouldn''t be panicking right now. "Eventually, I will run out of all my meds and I will need refills. So we need to look for a long term solution.''''


    He sighs "Fuck, this is a setback.''''


    He nudges off me and stands up from the bed. "I am going to call Jack, see if he can get the one in your room for us. I am sure if he tells mom that he wants to take something from my room, she will let him.''''


    It might seem like a good idea but I don''t want him involving his friends in this. "You know what, I think I will be fine without it,'''' I tell him. I should be able to get this on my own "I have my medical history in my mail, so I am sure I can get it without a prescription,'''' I assure him even though I know I won''t succeed.


    He raises a brow, almost like he doesn''t believe me. I don''t even believe me but I have to sound believable because, at this point, all I am doing is dragging him into my mess continuously. I don''t know the damage that will come from this but my but is just a month and I feel fine right now. Besides, I have gone longer without taking my meds. This is not the first time. A long time ago, I didn''t see the needs for them. They made me paranoid. I would see things that weren''t there. I started to lose my mind, so I stopped taking them until my doctor switched them for something else. At least, not I try to take them.


    "Are you sure about this? We can find a way around it if you can''t,'''' he questions me worriedly.


    "It will be fine. I need a computer though.''''


    He walks over to his bad and brings his laptop out of it. He walks over to me and I watch him as he lies down on the bed and opens the laptop up "Do you need my help with anything?'''' he looks at me just after logging into the laptop.


    I shake my head because there is nothing I can do. For now, I have to pretend like there is a solution to this, even though I will be misleading him. I hate that I am doing this. I haven''t felt like myself since dad locked me up in that place.


    A memory comes into my mind. It is almost like a flash but it is very clear.


    "If you don''t let me go, I will kill myself,'''' I hold unto the knife. My grip is tight. My hands are shaking.


    "Calm down son. Please drop the knife,'''' dad begs me with his hands raised and his eyes wide. The knife is on my grip. I move an inch until it pierces into my skin. It is just a graze but blood spills over. He takes a step towards me. He is begging me with his eyes but I don''t even want to listen.


    I hate him so much.


    "We are just having a conversation. I am not disagreeing with you right now,'''' he keeps his hands up in surrender. I know that he is lying. He is a fucking liar. I will not believe him because he will just end up killing me¡ªjust like he killed her.


    "You killed her and now you want to do the same to me. You want to hurt me the same way you have always hurt her. I will not give you the chance.'''' The knife is still on my neck. I am still holding unto to it tightly.


    "I didn''t kill your mother, I loved her.'''' He cries almost making me believe his story. He has tried to convince me for so long. It won''t work.


    I snap out of the memory and Lance is watching me, waiting for me to log into my email. I stand up from the bed and walk over to the bathroom. That memory felt so real but I don''t remember it happening.


    I look at my reflection and check my neck. The place where I placed the knife and sure enough. There is a scar there. It is faint but still there.


    Why don''t I remember things happening that way?


    What the fuck is going on?

 Chapter 169 - Worry

    Lance.


    Lance this is your mother. I need you to answer put on your phone.


    Lance.


    Please just pick up.


    It keeps saying unavailable.


    I will never forgive you for this.


    I am your mother.


    I am sorry.


    I love you. I am worried.


    Please come home. John won''t keep him from you again. He is on your side.


    I scroll through all the Facebook messages on my laptop. I don''t even understand anymore. I don''t know what to do. I am confused and terrified. Maybe running away wasn''t the best idea. At that moment, that was all I wanted to do. Get him out of the hospital and show him how much I loved him and trusted him.


    He didn''t have anyone on his corner and I wanted to be that. I wanted to be right there next to him but now, everything is fucked up. I let him go to the pharmacy. Okay, I can''t say it like that. Saying I let him go just means that he is a prisoner all over again. I trust that he will be back, I trust that he will be fine.


    When he mentioned the medicine that he needed, it just showed me how much I could trust him. He knows that he needs the meds, so he told me about it. Yeah, I have been overthinking everything. I am worried that something will happen to him on his way back. We checked google maps. The nearest pharmacy is just a couple of minutes away. There is no plan, I don''t know what we are going to do. I haven''t figures out what is next.


    I don''t know what the plan is and he doesn''t seem to know wither. We can''t keep staying at this hotel. Yeah, he got his money from the bank but we need a plan. We have to go back to school. We need to have a life.


    Can I call you?


    I see a message from Jack. The only reason why I came on Facebook in the first place. I thought I would be able to hide from mom but she has stalked me on all platforms. I had to deactivate my Instagram account and now she is on Facebook, messaging me with different emotions.


    Sure.


    I reply jack immediately. My phone has been off since the day he scared me and told me that John could be tracking us. He video calls me immediately.


    The minute I see his face, I feel relief "It is good to see you man,'''' I mutter.


    He chuckles and leans closer to the camera. He squints his eyes and the smile on his face is goofy "Your mother has been all over my shit lately. When are you going to come back, man? I can''t handle anymore of it.'''' he cries into the screen. This gets a laugh out of me. I knew she would be all over him because deep down she must know that he knows where I am. He is my best friend, hence why I would tell him.


    "Don''t mind her. She has sent me so many messages, I have lost count.'''' I try to brush off the talk about her. "How are you, how is Patrick?'''' I go on to more important things. I feel like shit for the way I am treating her but I can''t think about that right now. This is my life. At the end of it all, I will die and I want to make sure I have to regrets. If I didn''t get Ford out of there, I would''ve had so many regrets. Now that he is with me, now that he is close, I know that we will be fine. There are moments when I have doubts when I worry but I trust him more than anything.


    "We''re good. Nothing is the same without you,'''' he leans backwards and I get a closer look at his environment. He is still in Patrick''s apartment. It seems like he is living there now.


    "Seems like you have moved in with your boyfriend,'''' I tease.


    He rolls his eyes "I haven''t moved in. it is still too soon." He denies it even though to me, it seems like he has all but moved in.


    "Whatever dude. Pretty soon you will have all your things in his house and there will be no going back." I inform him because I know how these things go. He is trying to take the relationship slow and I get that. Why rush when you have the rest of your life together but in the end, their relationship isn''t that conventional. They started off in love instantly. It wasn''t a dating kind of situation and their lives are not that easy as the normal person. They have a lot of baggage and they need each other more than anything. So I don''t think it is too soon to move in together.


    In fact, it is not soon enough.


    "Where''s Ford?'''' he asks curiously.


    "He went to the pharmacy,'''' I tell him casually because I don''t want to look like I am worried about him. He can handle going to the pharmacy on his own.


    "Oh, alone?'''' he mumbles almost like he doesn''t want me to hear him.


    I nod "yeah, we kind of forgot one of his medicines but he has handled how to get it,'''' I assure him because I know Jack is as worried as I am. He raises a brow in suspicion "Do you think he can actually handle it right now?'''' he asks.


    I nod.


    He sighs "I think he is not in the right frame of mine Lance. I mean, you saw the way he was when we got him out of the hospital. It has just been a couple of days. I don''t think you should be letting him be on his own right now.''''


    I thought about it and I didn''t want to let him go but if I told him not to, he would''ve thought that I didn''t trust him. He would think I think he is crazy.


    "I can''t keep him locked up forever, h¡ª" he interrupts me "You need to keep an eye on him. For now at least." He adds.


    His tone is firm. He is right but I don''t know how to do that. Ford has been good on his own. Even though his father has kept him on a tight leash. He has been able to survive for this long with his demons. He doesn''t need me watching him like a hawk.


    "I can''t do that to him, treat him like his father did. There is no way he will appreciate that,'''' I tell him honestly. I have been thinking of ways to handle the situation and all I know is that this is not the right way. He needs to feel normal. That is the only way he will get over all this.


    "I am not saying you should ostracize him, I just think he shouldn''t be walking the streets alone right now.'''' the door opens abruptly and I jump off my seat like I was caught doing something. Ford raises a brow as he walks into the room. He has a bag on his grip.


    "Ford is here,'''' I announce guiltily.


    Jack looks to his direction and waves slowly "Hey dude,'''' he shouts through the computer. I take a deep breath hoping that he didn''t hear any of that. He doesn''t need this right now. He doesn''t need to doubt himself any more.


    "Hi," he drops the bag on the bed and walks over to me, bending so that he can see my friend clearly "How are you?'''' he manages calmly. He looks a little weird but I can''t pinpoint what is wrong.


    "I''m good. We miss you guys a lot. Who would have thought that I would be using Facebook of all things to video call?" He chortles jokingly.


    I smile because you have to give it to Jack, he knows how to lighten the mood. My eyes stay fixed on Ford as they converse and it doesn''t seem like he heard. He is acting like he has been all this while. So there is no proof that he overheard our conversation.


    After I end the call with Jack I ask him "Did you succeed?''''


    He nods his head with a faint smile. It seems a little fake to me. I can almost tell that there is something he is not telling me. There are a lot of things that I can''t ask him. A lot of things that I should be able to ask him but I can''t. Like why he seems off right now. The fact that he just told me that he got the meds that he needed but it really doesn''t seem like he is happy about it.


    I get up from the chair and walk over to the bag but he is quick to grab it from me. Another thing that is suspicious but I can''t say anything about it.


    I don''t know what to do.

 Chapter 170 - Worthless

    Ford.


    He doesn''t trust me.


    I overheard him talking to Jack and it has been bothering me all week. I don''t know how to talk to him about it. How to assure him that I will not try to hurt myself.


    But you want to.


    Isn''t this exhausting?


    The demons shout at me. Their voices have been louder than usual and I know it is because of the meds. I lied to him. I couldn''t get it. I am useless without my father and I don''t want to prove him right. He will bask in this for the rest of my life. He would control me for as long as he can. I don''t want to worry Lance. I hate myself so much right now because I involved him in this.


    You should''ve stayed at the hospital.


    You are worthless.


    I feel worthless right now. That is all I am. That is all I ever will be. This happens a lot, I question everything about myself. Nothing I do is ever good enough. The door to the bathroom opens and Lance stands by it, watching me intensely. He has been looking at me weirdly. It feels like he is turning against me.


    I don''t want to believe that but if he can''t trust me then I don''t know what to believe anymore.


    "Are you okay,'''' he asks. The bathroom is dark, the way I want it to be. Sometimes the darkness soothes me. The light is blinding. It makes me worry and think too much and I feel like I am losing my mind. I can get why I will look not okay to him. I am staring at the mirror in the dark like some crazy person.


    Maybe he is right to worry about it.


    Maybe I am crazy.


    I have been having dreams. A lot of them. Things that I remember happening differently. The scar on my neck. Seems like it happened but I don''t remember it happening. I don''t remember that night going that way. I went home to pack. I was going to run away with him and he tried to stop me.


    Everyone wants to silence you. They want to control you.


    They are trying to make me lose control of myself. I don''t want to start doubting him because he is the only one I trust. He is the only one I love. Lance has been there for me through it all. Since the beginning, he has stuck by me. He has my back and now. The conversation he had with Jack is the only thing that keeps popping up. It keeps making me worry and overthink things. I look at him and I don''t know how to feel. What to say to him.


    I am losing my damn mind.


    "I am fine,'''' I answer him with a blank stare. It is not that I don''t want to talk to him. I want to be my normal self with him. I want to wrap my arms around him and kiss him. I want all the things our relationship started out with but I feel so numb. Like all the feelings and love that I have for him are buried so deep and no matter how hard I try to push them out, they just won''t come out. They want to stay buried. The demons are keeping them at bay.


    He smiles and walks into the bathroom, switching on the light. I squint my eyes as the rays of the fluorescent bulb hits me. BLINDING.


    "You haven''t eaten anything all day. Do you want me to order something?'''' he asks with that same worried tone.


    The kind the nurses would use on a patient.


    Cause you are sick. He is treating you like you are sick.


    I shake the thought out of my head even though it keeps pulling its way out. "I am fine, I am just a little tired,'''' I manage as he stops in front of me and reaches for my face. I close my eyes because even though all the negative thoughts, my body still responds to him and him alone. His hand stays on my face "You know you can talk to me, whatever you are feeling you can let me know." He breathes out those words.


    You can''t trust him.


    He will turn his back on you, just like everyone else.


    Why is this happening to me?


    Why can''t I be happy?


    This is the man I love. He is here with me. After everything. He still stuck by me, so why can''t I just see that and not doubt him. Why do I have to have all these conflicts in my mind? Why can''t I just be happy?


    I take a step away from him and he sighs loudly. He can already tell that I am straying. This is not the first time that I have treated him like this. I explained to him that there would be days when I wouldn''t even want to be near him but right now, all I want to do is be in his arms. I want to love him as much as he loves me but I can''t.


    I feel so empty and alone. Even though he is here, it doesn''t feel like he is.


    "I need to take a nap,'''' I tell him as I walk away from him and to the bed. I climb the kingsized bed and pull the covers over my head. I can hear his footsteps in the room. I am not tired but I don''t want to talk to him. Maybe I can''t talk to him right now because of the guilt I feel towards him.


    I close my eyes until I drift off....


    "You know it won''t be good if Brad should see you like this,'''' Dad tells mom calmly. I am hiding in their closet. I don''t even know how I got myself in this mess. Dad warned me not to play around in their room and that is exactly what I did today. I didn''t know that they would come home early. Whenever they go out, they usually come home very late.


    Now I am eavesdropping on their conversation.


    Mom doesn''t like it when I listen to adult conversations. She said it is rude and not a nice thing to do but if they don''t know that I am in here, then there is no harm.


    "He hasn''t noticed anything. He is just a kid John. There is no need to worry about him.''''


    He sighs "He will notice one day. The moods. The injuries on you. He might be a kid but he is smart. What if you hurt him during one of your episodes?''''


    I look through the tiny holes in the closet. She is seated on the bed and he is in front of her. Dad looks sad.


    "I won''t hurt him,'''' she cries.


    "But you might,'''' he retorts.


    "I don''t want to go to the hospital. I want to watch my son grow up. I want to be a good mother to him,'''' at this point, I see the tears as they rush out of her eyes. I have never seen mom cry. This is the first time she will shed a tear in my presence. Okay, she doesn''t know I am here but I feel sad. I don''t want her to cry.


    Dad wraps his arms around her "That won''t happen. I will make sure that doesn''t happen. You have my word. You just have to promise me that you will take your medication. That is the only way I can trust you with our son.''''


    She pulls away from him and nods her head incessantly "You can give it to me. Make sure I take it every day. How about that?''''


    He smiles and then plants a soft kiss on her lips "We got this baby.''''


    I jump off from the bed and Lance is beside me, sleeping. I just had another memory or should I say, dream that I don''t fucking remember.


    It can''t be real.


    Why did I forget about that?


    How could I have forgotten something so big?


    Do you know what that means?


    If he was giving her medication, and I was swapping it. Then I was wrong all along. He wasn''t trying to kill her. He loved her.


    I am the one that killed her.


    Cause you are worthless.


    This time, I actually believe the voice in my head. I have never felt so worthless. I am a murderer. I killed my own mother.


    I get up from the bed and Lance stirs in his sleep. I don''t deserve to live. I thought Lance gave me a reason to live. I thought I didn''t have to be alone anymore. I thought we could find happiness in each other but now I see things clearly. I am only going to end up hurting him. Like I am doing now. He upped his whole life to be with me. Left his mother, his best friend. School. Everything.


    I can''t be the one that brings him down.


    I have to end it all before it gets worse.

 Chapter 171 - I Cant Save Him

    Lance.


    I shift on the bed, checking around to feel him with my hands with my eyes closed. He is not on the bed. I open my eyes and sit up on the bed, slowly looking around the room. There is only one light on. The one by the bed. Before we went to bed, he was acting weird. It seems like he is always acting weird, these days. I don''t know what is wrong with him because he doesn''t want to talk to me.


    I have been trying to give him space and time to figure things out but there is no progress. He is in his own head. That place that he doesn''t let anyone in. I get up from the bed and open the bathroom door. He is no inside. Okay, now I am worried. Shit, why didn''t I hear him leave and why did he leave in the first place. I look at the clock by the bedside table and it is three in the morning.


    I don''t even know where to start looking for him but I do the best thing I can do. I check the lobby of the hotel; I check all the hallways. I check by the pool, the gym. I have no way of calling him. We decided not to use phones because we didn''t want them to find us. I don''t know what to do. I don''t even know where to look. I have no way of finding him. after an hour of searching, I go back to the room. The first thing I do is grab my phone. I switch it on after a long time and I dial Jack''s number. He doesn''t answer and I start to pace around the room.


    I dial his number numerous times, but it goes straight to voicemail.


    "shit, shit, shit,'''' I exclaim loudly, running my hands through my hair.


    I can''t take this. worrying about him. what if something has happened. What if he hurt himself and I never find him?


    I can''t take all this.


    I dial Patrick and he on the other hand answers on the first ting.


    "Hey, you''re using your number again,'''' he exclaims sleepily.


    "Is jack sleeping? I need to talk to him.''''


    "No, he is asleep. Do you want me to wake him up?''''


    "Yes. I need him right now.''''


    There is silence on the other end of the line, after a couple of seconds, I hear Jack''s sleepy voice "Dude, it is three in the morning, this better be an emergency.''''


    "I can''t find him. he left the room and I can''t find him,'''' all the tears that I have been holding off on start to pour out. I can''t hold them out any longer. The pain, the worry. Thinking about all the sad things that have happened. The things he has gone through. what if I never see him again? I couldn''t save him and maybe his father was right. Maybe the best place for him at that time was the hospital and I went and screwed the whole thing up.


    "What are you talking about?'''' he asks.


    "Ford, I don''t know where he is,'''' I tell him.


    He sighs "Like the hotel?'''' he is half here right now and I know it is because he is half asleep right now.


    "Yes, he was acting weird earlier, I don''t know why and then we went to bed. I woke up and he was gone.''''


    "Did he take anything?''''


    I shake my head "No, I checked our things. All the clothes and stuff are still here. I don''t know what happened and I am worried.''''


    He sighs "I''ll drag Trick, we will come help you look for him.'''' he suggests.


    I don''t know if that will be any help. I think all along, I shouldn''t have brought him here. We didn''t have a plan. We just left with no plan and now, he might be hurt somewhere. "I think I need to call john. He knows Ford the most. He can help us find him.


    I can''t believe I want to go crawling back to the man I thought a monster. I was so sure he was the bad guy but now I don''t know anything anymore. I am here, in this room alone without the boy I wanted to fight for and I don''t know what to do.


    "Are you sure about that¡ª" I cut him off "I have no choice. Ford could be hurt somewhere. I don''t know what to do.''''


    This is the last resort. There is nothing else I can do.


    "Okay, call him. let me know what happens. If you need us. We are right here,'''' he offers but there is absolutely nothing he can do.


    I end the call with Jack and dial John''s number. He doesn''t answer. It is late. Everyone is probably asleep.


    I dial my mother''s number and unlike her husband, she answers on the first ring "Baby,'''' she calls out loud, the worry evident in the tone of her voice. it makes me feel more like a jackass because I know how worried she must be and this one phone call must be very important to her. because of Ford, I have treated everyone like shit. I have been selfish all because of love. I abandoned the only person that has always been on my side and now that Ford left me¡ªokay, maybe he didn''t leave me but he left anyway, I am calling her again. Asking her for help.


    If I were her, I wouldn''t help me but I guess that is the difference between us. I know she is going to help. She would do anything for me.


    "Mom, I messed up. I need you.'' I cry into the phone like a baby. She sighs into the phone loudly as I relay everything that happened until his disappearance.


    "Send me an address,'''' she tells me "John and I will be there.'''' She ends the call and I send her the name of the hotel and the address. The minute I end the cal;=l, the hotel phone rings loudly and catches me off guard.


    I run over to it because I gave the lady at the reception my room number to call if they saw him.


    "We found him; he is up on the roof. A couple of our staff are trying to get him off. We called 911,'''' she informs me. my heart stops for a second.


    Up on the roof? Trying to get him off?


    This seems straight out of a movie that I don''t even want to be in. I don''t want to see him in this way.


    No, no, no.


    I end the call and run out of the room in a flash. The thoughts running through my mind are not good. I know what he is doing before I get there. He is giving up even though he promised me that he wouldn''t. even though he told me that I would be the reason for him to live.


    He said he loved me.


    He said he never wanted to let me go and now, he is choosing to end it all. This is not his fault. It will never be his fault. Mental illness isn''t on him. He didn''t choose this life but it happened. I was stupid to think that I would be a reason for him to fight. A reason for him to stay strong.


    Whatever made him go back to this must be bigger than us.


    I see people at the door of the entrance to the roof. A man looks stops me from entering "Sorry sir, there is a situation going on right now. we can''t allow you to enter,'''' he is dressed in a uniform.


    "My boyfriend is out there. I need to get to him,'''' I push him out of the way before he can stop me any further. Once the fresh air hits me, my hands begin to tremble. I don''t like what I see in front of me. There are a total of six people on the roof and I know because I did a mental count. Ford is the only one I see. He is on the edge. Standing so close that with one leap, he will be off this roof and out of my life.


    His eyes shift the minute he notices me. he shakes his head immediately. there are tears in his eyes. I have never seen them so red before.


    This is all my fault.


    This wouldn''t have happened if he was at the hospital.


    He is spiraling because of me.


    "Ford,'''' I call his name and take a step towards him. the man that called me on the phone stops me.


    "Don''t, we have to wait for the ambulance,'''' he tells me almost like he believes I could be the one to trigger him and make him fall.


    "I am sorry Lance. I can''t do this anymore,'''' he cries, running his hands through his hair.


    I stay there, quiet and terrified. I don''t know what to say. I don''t have the energy to breathe out words. I am so broken and there is nothing I can do at this moment to save him.


    This is not about me anymore.


    I am not the one that can save him.

 Chapter 172 - The Aftermath.

    Lance.


    Everything happened so fast.


    I don''t even know how I got to this point in my life.


    I would''ve never believed that this kind of thing would happen to me.


    "Hey,'''' mom walks up to me, there are dark circles around her eyes. Almost like she hasn''t even slept for weeks. I feel even worse because this is my fault again. I am the cause of her lack of sleep. Even right now, as she is here with me, I feel like shit. I hate that I had to put her through all this.


    She is supposed to be happy with her husband but meeting Ford at that party ruined everything.


    I ruined her happiness.


    "Come here,'''' she stretches her hand out to me and I walk into it as she embraces me. she hasn''t said anything to me. we are at the hospital right now. John is here too and I see the way he looks at me. the anger. He hates me because this is all my fault. I don''t even blame him. he tried to warn me about it but I just wanted to believe that he was a monster. I only chose to believe Ford even though all I needed to do was be by his side. Help him.


    "It''s okay, everything will be okay.'''' She tries to assure me but I don''t know anymore. I thought I would be able to handle things but I caused more harm and there is no going back. "I want to take you back home, you shouldn''t be here,'''' she tells me.


    I shake my head "I can''t leave. I need to stay here."


    "You can''t baby. There''s too much damage already. The best thing is for you to leave.


    They want me gone. This is practically mom saying I should stay far away from anything that has to do with Ford. They want me away from him.


    This is unfair.


    I should be by his side. The one that he sees when he wakes up. It is not fair to take me away from him right now.


    "You need to leave Lance. This is not the best time,'''' I glance at John and there is this look of dismay. Makes me so sure that he hates me right now.


    "Okay, I will go home,'''' I agree because there is no point in fighting. They will never let me see him. this is the final straw and I already know.


    *******************


    We get to the apartment. It has been two weeks since I have been here and right now it doesn''t feel like home.


    I hate everything that reminds me of all that has happened. "do you need anything? food, I can make breakfast for you?'''' she asks me as she closes the door.


    I shake my head "I just want to be alone." I tell her, walking over to my room. She tries to get me to stop but I don''t have the energy. I don''t have the strength to talk about how I am feeling. I just want to forget everything that happened. I just want to forget watching him hurt himself.


    "Baby, please don''t do this,'''' I beg him, as I try to take a step closer to him. going up to the rof of my apartment building used to be the place I would go to find solace but now I don''t know anymore. I hate this sight in front of me.


    "I can''t do this anymore. I can''t live knowing that I hurt the ones I love. I should''ve been the one that died that night. This is all my fault." There are tears in his eyes. I see the pain in them, is like something has shut off in him. the eyes that are staring back at me are dead. The man I love has lost something. I feel like I have lost the person I know and there is nothing I can do about it.


    "I am here, you said you will live for me. you said you will fight. Please fight for me, fight for us.'''' I beg him with so much desperation in me. this is my life, standing right in front of me and I don''t know what to do. I don''t know how to bring him back to me.


    He shakes his head and then looks around, at the people behind me. the ambulance has already arrived. There are paramedics and people all over. this looks straight out of a movie that I don''t even want to be in. I hate this so much. More than I have ever hated anything.


    "I can''t. I am tired of everything. I don''t want to be here anymore,'''' he confesses. This is not about me. this has nothing to do with his love for me. He is fighting for himself and that doesn''t involve me. I shouldn''t have taken his word for it when he said he wanted to live because of me. he shouldn''t live his life for someone else. He should want to live his life for himself and right now, he is not at that place. He is not at that place and the hospital was where he should have been.


    I took him out of there and now we are here.


    "Don''t do this Ford. Please, If you do this I will never forgive myself. Doing this will hurt me.'''' I beg him. now I am trying to guilt trip him. make him feel remorse for his actions. I don''t know what else to do.


    A knock on the door snaps me out of my thoughts. "Mom, I said I want to be alone,'''' I shout through the door. I don''t want to see her. I don''t want to talk to anyone about this. I hate my life right now.


    "Not your mom,'''' I hear Jack''s voice and he doesn''t wait for me to respond. He just opens the door and walks in. I close my eyes and pull the covers over my head. I don''t want to talk and I hope he takes the hint. I hear his footsteps as he walks over to the bed and stops in front of it.


    "Can I lie with you?'''' he asks even though deep down; he knows he wouldn''t get a response from me. he doesn''t take the hint as I feel the bed dent next to me. the bed is small, so I feel his heat next to me. he remains quiet and I close my eyes as the tears fall down my face. I hate this, I hate this so much.


    My heart is heavy. I feel like I am dying and just the thought that I might not see him again makes me hate everything. I feel his arms as they squeeze around me. I close my eyes even tighter, wanting the tears to stop but the more I think about everything. the more tears that fall. I can''t stop this; I can''t do anything to make this better. I have to live my life knowing that I failed the one person I promised to protect.


    After a couple of hours of pretending to be asleep. I hear Jack as he leaves my room. He wants to let me sleep even though I can''t sleep. I feel like I can''t breathe. It feels like I have been sleeping for days. The sky darkens. Another day is ending and it feels like my life is ending with it.


    I hear the front door of the house open and I hear the hushed whispers. I recognize the voice. John is here.


    Why is john here?


    I sit up on the bed and walk over to the door. Their voices are so low. Whatever they are talking about has to do with Ford and I need to know if he is okay. I open the door slowly. I know it is not a good idea to eavesdrop but I need to know that he is okay.


    "I just want to talk to him for a couple of minutes,'''' he tells mom. I lean closer to the door and take heavy breaths.


    "He is not okay right now. I don''t think it is a good idea to talk about all that has happened right now."


    She is trying to shelter me when all I want is to know that he is okay. I just want to see him. know that he is going to be alright.


    "There are so many things tha ti want to ask him. Brad said some things. I just need to know. It is killing me Marybell,'''' he sounds sad. I look at this man and I hate that I judged him so much. He was innocent all along.


    "He might now want to talk to you. he is not talking to anyone.''''


    I walk out of the room because he at least deserves to knows what he wants to. He is not the monster that I made him out to be.


    "What do you want to know?''''

 Chapter 173 - Adults Dont Cry

    John.


    "He had a manic episode,'''' his doctor tells me.


    I had him transferred back to his hospital. Dr Mathew has been the one following him through his breakdowns. He is the only one that really knows how to handle him. I should be furious that they made it so easy for him to leave the hospital but I know it is all Lance''s doing. I know how determined the kid is now.


    The things he is capable of.


    I made a mistake of not showing him the video. I thought I could get him to trust my words. I kept telling everyone that I am not the monster they think I am but if my own son thinks I am one. There are no convincing strangers.


    "Can I see him?'''' I know it is a far chance that they will let me see him. They had to sedate him to get him to quiet down.


    I have never seen him this bad. In all the breakdowns he has had. This is the worst out of them all. "He is not really there yet. We need him to be sedated for a couple of hours,'''' he informs me.


    The mental exhaustion kicks in. I thought I could handle Brad. The day I found out that he was sick. I had the same reaction I did with his mother. I also thought I could protect her. I thought I was enough to keep her alive.


    I was wrong.


    Now I feel like I am wrong about this too. I don''t know if I am strong enough to protect him from himself.


    "He kept saying it was his fault. That everything is his fault. He used to say it was my fault. Something changed while he was away."


    I sigh because I have no clue. I don''t know what goes through his head. I don''t know what he thinks, how he feels. Everything is a blur to me.


    "He looked so out of it. I don''t think he has been taking his medications,'''' he informs me. I know that he hasn''t been consistent with his meds. Just like his mother. The difficulty that comes with getting him to take his meds is the same thing I had to go through seven years ago.


    "He will be fine Mr Hilly,'''' he tries to give me some assurance but it doesn''t work. This is not the first time that he is saying this. In fact, two weeks ago, when he has his last breakdown, he said the same thing to me.


    He will be fine.


    For how long do I have to keep hearing that? "You should go home. Get some rest, I will notify you the moment he is ready for visitors. "


    I know how these things go. They are going to keep him under until tomorrow. He almost killed himself. I know what that means. His birthday is in two days. I know he was waiting until he is eighteen. To have his freedom away from my supposed control.


    "Okay.'''' I accept defeatedly.


    There is nothing else I can do. I just have to wait until he wakes up. I want to talk to him. Tell him that I am on his side. Like I have been doing all this while. I pray for the day he will finally believe me. The day he will finally trust me.


    I leave the hospital and enter my car. George looks at me from the rearview mirror "Where to sir,'''' he asks.


    I take a deep breath because I know I can''t go home right now. I need to talk to Lance. Figure out what happened and why this happened.


    Lance.


    We stare at each other in this awkward silence.


    I don''t know why he is here but I am very sure that he will let me know when he is ready. I see a pain in his eyes that I have never noticed before. I hate that I judged him for so long. I could have handled things differently.


    At the end of it all, I knew he wasn''t a monster¡ªor at least a part of me saw things that I didn''t know in the beginning. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting him out of the hospital but my plan was half-assed and that messed everything up.


    This is all my fault, but looking at the man in front of me, I think he blames himself for all this. We are two people that are beating ourselves up for the same things.


    "I am sorry,'''' I manage because an apology is all I can do.


    He might blame himself for this but I know that it is my fault. He furrows his brows in confusion "You didn''t do anything, Lance.''''


    "I caused all this. I should have listened to you. I shouldn''t have taken him out of the hospital, if things went differently, I would never forgive myself,'''' I cry. This is the first time I am talking about this. I need him to know that I regret all my actions. I need him to believe me.


    "This is not your fault. You are the kid, I am the adult. I didn''t deal with this the right way,'''' he interjects.


    Adults always feel like they have to carry all the weight of the world on their shoulders but there was nothing else he could have done. He did his best. He tried to talk to me. I didn''t want to believe him.


    He reaches for me and I don''t push him off. This man is the one my mother chose. I hated their union¡ªmostly because I loved his son. I thought it would affect our relationship, so I closed him off completely. I wanted him to be a monster. If he was the bad guy that Ford claimed he was, then I could hate him and as long as I hated him, I wouldn''t care about his opinion.


    Now I see that.


    I hate that I didn''t give him a chance.


    "How is he?'''' I manage even though that question looks like an added hurt to him. I see the pain just from asking him about his son.


    There is love inside John.


    Love that Ford doesn''t even know exists.


    "I haven''t been able to see him. I wouldn''t get a chance until tomorrow,'''' he tells me.


    My heart breaks irrevocably. I will never forget that pain that comes with the memory of seeing him on the edge of the roof, ready to die. It is engraved in my mind for the rest of my life.


    "Can I come with you tomorrow?'''' I ask him desperately.


    He looks at me hesitantly.


    I am the ticking bomb in Ford''s life. I see it on his face. I wouldn''t want me around him after what happened.


    "Okay, I will see if it is possible." he finalizes, warming my heart in the process. I didn''t think I would get the chance to see him so soon. I can hold on to the hopes that I would. After a long pause, he adds a question "He kept saying it was his fault. I want to know what happened to him while you guys were together.''''


    I know why he is blaming himself but I don''t know if he wants his father to know. Maybe this is something that will cancel all the hatred between them. If he knows that he is not to blame, then maybe everything will be resolved.


    I don''t know anymore. I don''t know right from wrong but I want to believe that there is a right in all of this.


    I want to believe that this is it.


    I tell him everything and he listens to me. I watch his expression change from shocked to bewildered and then back to sad again. There is no anger in his expression as I tell him that his son messed up with his wife''s meds. I know now that my assumption was spot on. I just don''t know if he actually figured it out. If he finds out that his mother was sick. Then that would explain his episode.


    I think back to all the times that he has called his father a murderer.


    He hates the man because he thinks that he killed his mother.


    The problem lies between the two of them. Maybe if they talk about it, they can get closure. They might be the only ones that can make things better.


    "He might be beating himself up because of that,'''' I add.


    He runs his hands through his hair and I watch him as tears fall to his face. I don''t see adults as vulnerable people. to me, I don''t imagine them in tears. They seem like robots to me but in this moment, I see a side of him that I didn''t think existed.


    I see a pained father.


    Sad and in pain.


    For his son.

 Chapter 174 - Nothing To Fear

    Ford.


    "Where are you going?'''' he asks me with worry in his eyes.


    I shake my head because I can''t believe him right now. There is no shred of concern, he is just pretending right now like he has done all my life.


    "I am leaving,'''' I tell him with the bag tightly in my grip.


    He runs his hands through his hair and then lets out a loud sigh. The kind that tells me that the whole thing is frustrating him. I know why he will be frustrated. He wants to control me, the same way that he controlled her. The same way that he had her drugged to the point where she couldn''t even leave the house.


    I will not let him do that to me.


    "With Lance?''''


    We agreed to leave together. There is no going back from that promise. I don''t want a life that doesn''t involve him and they aren''t going to let us be together. This is the best thing for both of us.


    "Let me go, dad, I can''t live this life anymore. I can''t live knowing that you killed her. Knowing that you will do the same thing to me.''''


    He furrows his brows, there is confusion on his face "You said this when you were a kid. Is that what you think? That I killed your mother?''''


    I laugh because I know his tricks. I know the things he will say to try and convince me otherwise but I was there. I know how it happened and there is nothing that he can say that will convince me that he is innocent.


    "You don''t have to explain anything. I know what happened. I know why she died.'''' I tell him blatantly.


    He sighs "Your mother killed herself. She tried to kill you too.''''


    The minute those words leave his lips. Something happened in my head. Like a screw completely loosens up. I feel it and in that instant, I reach for him. All the anger that I have kept, held onto comes out. He is blaming her now. I can''t even imagine that he will stoop so low.


    He would paint her in a bad light just to get me to be on his side.


    Another dream that almost feels like reality. I have had too many of these dreams that I am starting to lose sense of reality. Things that happened, now seem to go in another direction. The day I packed my bags, I didn''t do anything but now, it seems like I attacked him. it makes no sense to me.


    Why would I attack him?


    When Dr Matthew said I accused him of killing mom, I didn''t believe him but now, with the dream I had when I was out of it, it seems like I actually did. I don''t even know what is real and what isn''t anymore.


    I should''ve died.


    Why am I still here?


    The best thing for everyone is a life without me.


    What will I do without you?


    Lance''s words eat me alive. I can''t think of anything but the expression on his face when he saw me. There are times in life when you immediately regret your actions. When I saw him, in tears, all the regrets flooded instantly. I hate myself so much more now.


    How do I live on now knowing that he hates me too?


    The door to the hospital opens and Dr Matthew walks in. I turn away from him because I don''t want to talk about what happened and it seems like that is all he ever wants to do with me¡­talk.


    "Hello Brad,'''' he greets me, slowly walking over to the side of the bed that I am facing. There is nothing that I am good at. I will never really amount to anything. The fact that I might have just lost Lance in all this is the final straw.


    How do I keep on living?


    "You don''t have to say anything right now. I just wanted to ask you if you will like to see your father. He is worried.''''


    I stiffen in the bed, my hands start to tremble, and my legs feel cold. I don''t want to face him. Especially after all those thoughts. The dreams that show him in a good light. I don''t know if there are real but I don''t want to find out. I can''t talk to him right now because I am ashamed and terrified. He kept telling me that I am sick, I refused to listen to him¡ªrefused to believe him but the fact that I am here on my own, just proves that he was right all along. I don''t deserve to be in the outside world. I don''t deserve to be treated like I am normal, because I am not.


    "I can''t tell him that you don''t want to see him unless you answer me. I know everything that happened is overwhelming but it might be a good thing to see him.''''


    I shake my head which is still on the pillow. He leans closer "You have to tell me with words. Although I think you should see him.''''


    He keeps repeating those words. You need to see him. Why do I need to see him? How do I face him after everything I have done?


    "Lance wants to see you too. I think it is too soon to see him. So this is entirely up to you. Your decision to make.''''


    The moment I hear his name, I sit up on the bed. The fact that he still wants to see me, after everything means the fucking world to me. I don''t know how he can be the most selfless person I have ever met. He doesn''t even hold grudges. Right now, I am holding a grudge against myself for the things I have done and it seems like he is not even angry with me. He is the only one that I want to see. He is the only one that matters.


    "I want to see him,'''' I blurt out the thoughts in my head.


    Dr Mathew should already know how I feel about him. This is the man I love. The only person that I completely trust. I have made mistakes and handled things the wrong way but the fact that he is still here is everything to me.


    I can''t take him for granted.


    I won''t.


    A smile sprawls on his face "I knew that would be your answer,'''' he tells me "So I take it as a yes. You will see them both?'''' he adds


    I nod my head as he walks out of the room and leaves me to the silence and my thoughts. My thoughts have been very dark. I know my meltdown happened because I wasn''t taking my meds. Every time I relapse and stop. I have those kinds of reaction but this time was worse. I lost myself completely and it still feels like I haven''t found what I need to get back to where I was.


    I still have that empty ache within me.


    I still have the hopelessness that I feel.


    Nothing is different.


    ***************************


    The door opens quietly as I hear their footsteps. This is the first time they have allowed a visit to my room. Maybe I am too sick to move to the visiting area. I mean, all the nurses have been treating me like I am fragile. Everyone is walking on eggshells.


    I don''t blame them.


    I am completely lost but right now, the only thing that matters is seeing him again. I look up from my bed and dad is the first person I see. I can sense Lance. He is here but it seems like he is lingering by the door. I don''t know where I stand with him right now. Is he here to officially break up with me? I will understand if he does.


    I won''t blame him.


    "I''ll wait until you are done,'''' I hear his conversation with my father.


    No, stay. You are the only one I want to see. Please don''t leave me.


    Those words are in my head. Everything these days seem to be in my head when all I want is the courage to say the words out loud. I wish I could let him know that I am sorry. I wish he would forgive me and love me the way he did.


    The door closes as dad walks into the room further. He stands at the edge of the bed, completely ignoring the chair that they put out for him.


    Just sit down.


    "Son,'''' he manages quietly. I look at him nonchalantly, my eyes are tired. Every bone in my body is exhausted. My eyes are on him but my heart is with the boy that just left. The one person I want to see.


    The only one that matters.


    "I''m sorry,'''' he adds. This time, I sit up because I want to know why he is apologizing. I don''t ever remember having a normal conversation with the man. I have been scared of him all my life.


    Terrified that I would be next.


    The man in front of me looks fucking harmless.


    He looks sad.

 Chapter 175 - Communication

    Ford.


    We sit in the silence of each other. There was an apology but he is as nervous as I am. I want to make amends. I want to move on past this hatred I have for him. Knowing that things might now have been the way I remember them just tells me that all along, I might have been the problem. The reason why our relationship has been so rocky.


    It is all your fault.


    The demons in my head are loud. They want to control me, make me think about things the way I always have. I am trying to heal from all this but I don''t know how to. I don''t know how to come out stronger from this. I am at the stage in my life where I don''t even know who I am. I have been living a lie all this while. I tried to convince Lance that he was a monster and it worked. He hates my father even a lot worse than I do and I don''t know how I can convince him otherwise.


    "You''re going to be okay,'''' he mutters, finally.


    I look at him. His eyes are red. I feel like I have taken sleep out of his agenda. They have all been worried about me. Now I know and I hate myself for being the cause of this.


    "I don''t know,'''' I confess.


    I still don''t know how to fight the demons inside me. I don''t know how to come out of this stronger but I see the progress. This is the first time we are having a real conversation. I want to be honest with him. I want to tell him everything that I think happened. I don''t know how he will take it and he might end up hating me but I have to be honest for the first time in my life.


    "I am gay dad,'''' I say those words out loud. I have never said them out loud. I have been so ashamed to be a disappointment. I didn''t want to be who I really am and I created a world that didn''t exist. I made being gay the biggest problem of my life, so that I wouldn''t have to deal with the truth. I can see things now, for what they are.


    At least, as much as I think. I still don''t know what is the truth and what is a lie but I want to. Does he care about me?


    Will he forgive me after he finds out that I killed mom?


    I want to talk about all these things with him. I want to see if everything I concocted wasn''t real. This is the best time to do this and there is no going back.


    "I don''t have a problem with it son, I have never cared about that." He pauses and then takes a deep breath, I sense that he is looking for the right words to make this all better "I love you.''''


    He loves me.


    He is not out to get me.


    All this while, I thought coming out of the closet will be the death of me. I thought he would try to silence me. Make me someone I wasn''t but now he is telling me that he loves me and he doesn''t care.


    I still don''t know what to believe.


    "I love Lance,'''' I breathe out with so much hesitation.


    He smiles faintly "I know."


    I close my eyes because he should tell me that we shouldn''t be together. The day his mother found out, she wasn''t happy and he wasn''t either. That was the day they locked me up. Apparently, or so it seems, it was all in my mind. I need to talk to Dr Mathew about it. I need to figure out if it was actually in my head or things happened the way I remembered. All the dreams I have been having about incidences are starting to make me confused.


    "I want to be with him. Can I be with him?''''


    He sighs and I see the difficulty in his eyes. He doesn''t have all the right words to say. Right now, we are at a place in our relationship that is rocky. He sees hope and he doesn''t want to ruin it "You need to take your of yourself first. I want you to focus on getting better first.'''' He says finally.


    That is something that I know. I know that I am not in the right frame of mind for a relationship. I know that I need to work on myself. I still carry that empty feeling inside me. I still want to let go of everything. I don''t have any idea of how I will get better. I have had these demons for a long time now that they all seem like a part of me.


    I just know that I don''t want to do all this without him.


    If he will still have me. I want to be by his side. I want to see him every day. I want to go through the whole process. I want to love him; I know it is all too much to ask. After everything but I just want him and that might make me selfish and I don''t mind being selfish. As long as I can have him.


    "Okay,'''' I manage, even though that is not what I want to say. I want to talk about mom. For the first time in all my life. I am willing to relive that night. I want to know what happened. Finding out that she was sick, just makes me relate more to her. I suddenly understand why her moods would just switch up. The fact that the same thing happens to me makes me understand her¡ªunderstand what he had to go through.


    The misunderstanding of it all.


    "I am sorry for accusing you,'''' I decide that the best way to redeem the whole situation is to apologize. I have been thinking the worst of him.


    The kind of monster I imagined him to be is not who he really is and I need to make up for all my negative thoughts.


    "It''s not your fault, I should have been direct with you. I shouldn''t have kept it all from you.''''


    He knows what I am apologizing for, which means that he must know what I thought all those years ago. I feel like shit even thinking about it.


    "Your mother didn''t want to be sick, she didn''t want you to remember her at her worst. I want you to remember her as the amazing woman that you do. Don''t think about all the, what-ifs and focus on the time you shared with her. Can you do that?''''


    I nod my head but at the same time, the tears start to fall. I am at my most vulnerable stage. This usually happens after a meltdown. The last time this happened, he wasn''t here. I was in the hospital alone. I know for a fact that he hasn''t been the best father. He avoided me and now I know the reasons why. He was scared of me. Terrified to have a relationship with me because he felt guilty, even though he didn''t do anything. I probably remind him of her. So that could be another factor.


    Unlike the last time, he is here. He is trying and I feel gratitude.


    He stands up from the chair and walks even closer to me. I am still on the bed but I want his comfort and it seems like he is ready to give me.


    I have never hugged him before. There has always been a wall. Now I can hear the cracks, I just need to make the next move. Slowly, I get up from the bed, wiping the tears off my face. The more I wipe, the more it falls. Feels like I suddenly have a never-ending supply of water in my eyes.


    "I am sorry dad,'''' I cry as I move closer to him. He stretches his hands out and the moment that I thought would be awkward, is far from it. I wrap my arms around him, not even afraid that at this moment, I am messing up his suit. He welcomes me into his arms and I release a long breath, I didn''t know I had been holding that breath. It feels like that lump has been in my throat all my life. I have been stuck in a world that made me resent him. A man that suddenly seems so harmless to me. I feel his love as he holds me tighter.


    I feel things I haven''t felt in a long time.


    He leaves me with the promise of coming tomorrow and I watch him as he walks out. I didn''t get all the answers that I needed and it will take a while for us to get to the place that I want us to be but I know that we will.


    I believe it more than I ever have.


    The door opens again and this time, the man that has my heart walks in.

 Chapter 176 - Wait For Me

    Lance.


    I walk into his room and he looks up immediately. His eyes are wide, his face is calm but I can tell he is as eager as I am. I sense a hint of confusion on his face¡ªor should I say uncertainty. I don''t know where we stand.


    We are back to square one.


    Taking him out of the hospital is the one thing I would always regret. He might have ended up hating me but he wouldn''t have gone through all the things he did. No matter what I think, that was the wrong move and the regrets will always be there.


    I walk over to him and he manages a faint smile. The room is quiet and things are a little awkward because I don''t know what to say which is weird for me because I always have something to say. I am never one to be in the middle of an awkward silence. I ramble more than I stay quiet but at this moment with him, I want him to make the first move. I want to see where I stand. Does he hate me? is he upset about the whole thing?


    Most importantly, does he love me?


    Things are a lot clearer now, I think it has been established that his father is not the monster we thought he was, so now, we can trust him. Know that whatever he is doing is for the betterment of his son. I don''t have to worry about John anymore. Think about all the ways he could possibly want to hurt him. All I have to worry about now is Ford getting better.


    I watch him as he plays with the sheets nervously. I close my eyes for a couple of seconds and take a deep breath. "Hey,'''' I manage softly.


    His smile widens a little bit but he doesn''t say anything. I get why he is nervous but I feel like he doesn''t need to be. I am here, he is mine. We have each other. We don''t have to worry about anything. "Can I hold you?'''' I ask him. I don''t know what will happen. Things are sensitive and rocky right now but I am not letting go of this. I am not letting go of him.


    He doesn''t answer me but I watch him as he walks over to me, cowering over me, he pulls me closer and then his arms are around me. We have hugged so many times, this is not the first time but it feels different. There is closure, things are looking up.


    It feels great.


    **********************


    "I am sorry for all the things that happened,'''' he breathes out after a long time of silence. I don''t know how long I have to be with him but I don''t want to leave. I wish I never had to leave him but he needs the space to get better. I am lying down on his bed, he has his arms around me. it almost feels like he doesn''t even want to let me go.


    I don''t ever want to let him go either and the fact that we are here in this position means that things are still good between us. There are things that we need to talk about but I don''t want to bombard him with everything at once. A lot has happened and I get how it can be overwhelming, so I need him to take his time. Whenever he is ready, I will be here and we can talk.


    "You didn''t do anything,'''' I answer him.


    He sighs and then runs his hands through his hair "You are everything to me, I messed it up.''''


    "You didn''t do anything Ford. These things happen.''''


    He shakes his head "I lied about the meds. I couldn''t get it but I didn''t want you to worry and so I lied.'''' He blurts out.


    I open my eyes wide, shocked at his words. I didn''t even think that he wasn''t taken his meds. It suddenly reminds me of all that John said about him never taking his medications. That must have been why he was so triggered. That explains everything.


    "I don''t want to do anything or say anything that will make you have doubts right now. I just want to be here with you.'''' I tell him because I have so many questions but it all seems too soon. This is an opportunity¡ªbeing with him right now, seemed so hopeless a couple of hours ago. I don''t want to blow it.


    "I am fine. I want to talk about it.''''


    "Okay."


    He smiles faintly. I know him and I can tell that this is hard for him but if he wants to do this, then I have no choice but to oblige because he is everything to me. He is the reason why I am here, the reason why I found love. He is my life.


    "Why did you keep it from me? We said we were going to be transparent about everything,'''' I remind him of his promise to me.


    Being completely transparent is the hardest thing to do, there will be times where you will be scared that your honesty would hurt the other person and I guess that might have been the reason why he kept it from me. It is not an easy thing to ask someone, so I completely understand.


    "We were at a great place and then there was the fear that we would be caught. I know you didn''t really think I should be out of the hospital. I could sense all the doubt in you.''''


    I stiffen because I thought I hid it well. I made a promise to Ford. That I would always believe him even though I thought he was wrong. When I found out about John. The doubts started flooding in but I had to keep my promise to him. I had to believe that he was right even though deep down I knew that he might not have been.


    "I didn''t want you to worry.''''


    He nods "I know that, I knew that then too and that was why I hid the fact that you didn''t bring all the meds. I saw it in your face. The fear, the worry mixed with regret. There was nothing I could do but lie because I knew it would make you feel better.''''


    I didn''t want to feel better, I wanted to help him.


    "I am sorry that I made you feel that way.''''


    He shakes his head again, this time sitting up on the bed "That''s not what this is about. This is about me keeping things from you. This is about those things having an after effect and messing with my mind. That is why I had a meltdown."


    I feel the void as he detaches from me. I want him in my arms again but it is too much to ask for, while he is having such a meaningful conversation with me.


    "I am going to work on myself, Lance. I am going to be better so that I can be with you.'''' he breathes out. I see him and all that he is. "Will you wait for me? I don''t know how long this is going to take but will you wait?''''


    My heart thuds in my chest. This feels like a proposal. This is not a big deal. He is already my boyfriend. He is the love of my life. Asking me to wait for him feels like he is asking me to marry him. I would agree to those two things in a heartbeat.


    Anything he wants. I am here to love him. Give him everything.


    "I am not going anywhere, Ford. This thing is forever.''''


    I tell him as I have been saying since I met him. I remember the feelings I got when I met him at the party. Finding out that he was John''s son. I had to fight for him. We have had so many challenges. So many things that have seemed like impossible moments.


    If you look at things the way an outsider would, we shouldn''t even be together. It is weird and confusing and maybe a little wrong.


    It doesn''t make sense but to me, it makes all the sense in the world. He is my happy ending. My forever guy and no one will ever take that from us.


    Not even his bipolar disorder, or depression.


    He leans into me and his lips smash against mine with so much force that I fall back on the bed. I grab the ends of his shirt as I try to deepen the kiss. He is holding unto me as tightly as I am. Our feelings have always been reciprocal. There has never been any uncertainty in how we feel about each other.


    After a couple of minutes, he pulls back from me and smiles warmly. The sincerity of the smile is everything to me "I love you, Lance. I will always love you.''''


    I feel the same.

 Chapter 177 - Freedom

    Lance.


    I visit him every day for the next two months.


    It is very hard to juggle him and school but two weeks ago, I could spend as much time with him as possible as the summer holidays kick in. I have been trying to be my normal self with all that has happened but it is really hard. Waiting for someone that is so close is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Ford turned eighteen, even though, he gave his rights to his father.


    The revelation that John wasn''t the monster we all thought he was made things different. I didn''t move back to his house because the apartment felt like home to me. I didn''t want to be reminded of Ford at all. At least until he could be in my arms again¡ªoutside the hospital.


    "Yo,'''' Jack walks into my room with an excited smile on his face. He jumps on the couch and slings his arm over mine "Someone''s boo is coming home tonight.'''' He reminds me even though I have been unable to forget that today is the day I will finally get to see him after so long of being apart.


    "Are you going to pick him up?'''' he asks me when he notices my silence. I finally have my own car. It didn''t take much convincing mom. Somehow she has been trying to stay on my good side. It should be the reverse because of all the things I have done. Thinking about all my actions, I am very ashamed.


    I hate that I put her on the spot.


    I hate that I treated her like everything was her fault. I wanted her to take my side blindly even though I knew that it would be hard for her¡ªsince she was married to John.


    "Nah, his dad said he would. Even though I wanted to.''''


    I asked John especially since I knew that they were on such good terms. I didn''t want to stand in the middle of their newfound relationship but Ford promised to come here once he was done with his dad. I don''t know the dynamics and what will change once he gets out but I see the changes in him. There is no cure for his disorder but it can be managed as long as he consistently takes his meds. I don''t want to think about all we will have to do to make sure he stays here with us but I will do my best to be on his side always.


    "You should plan a surprise for him. After everything.'''' He suggests. I don''t want to overwhelm him. His emotions are still unsteady, even though he is better.


    "We will see,'''' I tell him.


    I just can''t wait until he comes home.


    Back to me.


    Ford.


    The clock in my room, ticks. There is silence. I am waiting for noon because dad is supposed to come to pick me up. I miss the outside world, I miss Lance. The two months I have been here have been much needed. I have never welcomed therapy as much as I did this time around. for the first time in my life, I feel free. There are a lot of things that I still need to do to get better but there is just this happiness inside me. I have never felt this way before.


    The door opens and Manuel walks in with a smile on his face "Is he here?'''' I ask him because I can''t wait to leave this place. This time around, it is not because I think I don''t need the help. I want to leave because I miss my family. I miss Lance so much and just hearing that I am okay enough to go home makes me crave the idea.


    "He is, but there is one thing you need to do first,'''' he tells me with an encouraging smile. He is one of the people that have helped me the most here. After he let me leave the last time. He held some form of guilt. I know he was worried that I would rat him out¡ªas they still haven''t figured out who let me out the last time. There were just the assumptions that the guards left their post and no one wanted to blame anyone, so the guards were queried and he wasn''t.


    "Come on, it''s basically your last session as a patient here. The next time you come and see Dr. Mathew, you wouldn''t be a patient anymore,'''' he tells me with a wide smile on his face.


    I stand up from the bed and he leads me to his office. The moment I walk in, Dr. Matthew carries a bright smile on his face. The wrinkles around his forehead crinkle "My favorite patient,'''' he says, standing up and slapping my shoulder gently.


    Ever since I decided to cooperate, we have created this sort of dynamic where I am very open with him. I talked about basically everything about my mom and dad. These are things that I kept inside me for so long. Now that they are all out in the open and I know the truth, I feel ten times better and lighter.


    "How are you feeling knowing that you will be going home today?'''' he asks me.


    I shrug even though I am very excited. I want to show him my real emotions but I also want to keep all my excitement for when I see Lance. I can''t wait to be alone with him with no eyes watching us. I can''t wait to have him by my side all the time.


    God, this is all so exciting.


    "You can show a little excitement, this is big."


    I nod and this time, a smile spreads to my face. He chuckles because this is an accomplishment for him too. A couple of months ago, I didn''t want to live on this earth, and even though I know that there will still be bad days, and good days, I am at a good place. He has helped and so he must be happy about this.


    "How do you feel about everything that has happened?'''' he asks me.


    "I feel grateful that everybody didn''t give up on me. I would have never survived without my dad and Lance¡­" he smiles, I add "And you, thank you for not giving up on me."


    "Well you did most of the work and I want you to keep working on yourself. Whenever you feel unsure about something. I want you to talk about it. I will always be here. Even if you just want to ramble. Call my assistant, book a session." He smiles at me. I know this is his job and he is meant to encourage this but I feel like he genuinely cares and that is all I need. Like he has said, I just need to talk about anything I feel. Once I started, it was hard to stop. I overwhelmed him with all the thoughts in my head but it seems like that is all I needed to do.


    "Okay,'''' I tell him.


    "I just wanted to tell you that. Okay, you to leave."


    He stands up and I do the same "I would''ve said see you soon kiddo but I don''t want to see you here again. This should be the last time we keep you in this place¡­okay?"


    I nod my head immediately because I don''t even want to come back here. I feel like I have enough progress to keep me out of here. Once I leave his office, I see dad at the reception. His smile is wide when he notices me.


    I walk over to him and he pulls me in for a hug immediately.


    "Finally, you are coming home.'''' He breathes into my ear. He knows that I will be staying with Lance and that was a promise he made to me while I was inside. I talked to him about my relationship with Lance and he said he was okay with it as long as I got better and took care of myself. I know it is very hard for him to accept that we are together but he is trying his best and that is okay for me. As long as he is okay with it, then I will be happy.


    "I want to take you somewhere before I drop you off at Lance''s,'''' he asks me calmly. I raise a brow, unsure of where he could possibly want to take me. He smiles, in a ''Please let me do this'' way. We walk out of the hospital and he leads me into the car.


    "Where are we going?'''' I ask as George opens the door for us. I enter the back seat and he smiles "The cemetery, do you mind if I take you to see your mother?'''' he asks me and my heart stops in my chest. I haven''t seen her since she died.


    I don''t know how I feel about this.

 Chapter 178 - The Man I Love

    Ford.


    I don''t know If I want to go for this.


    I am scared.


    Nervous that I will lose my mind over this and slip up. Things are great right now. we are great right now¡ªour relationship is perfect. I already know and have accepted that her death was mostly my fault. We had a session with Dr. Mathew about it. I talked about everything and even though he assured me that I wasn''t at fault. I still hold a pang of guilt inside me. I still wish that things had ended differently but I can''t dwell on the past.


    I have to move on for a brighter future.


    "Only if you want to," he coughs nervously. I watch him as he continues "I just thought it would be nice to say a few things to her. talk to her about your progress. Only if you want to.''''


    The look on his face and how nervous he is makes me want to do this. somehow, it seems like this will make him feel a lot better than it will make me. I know he must carry some guilt. He must blame himself for her death.


    No one is to blame.


    This is the first time I have felt like this. I always blame myself or someone else for all my problems. Letting go is the best thing to do.


    "Okay,'''' I agree finally.


    The drive to the cemetery is fast. I kind of expected to be in the car for at least thirty minutes but in less than fifteen, the car comes to a stop and dad looks at me with a soft smile on his face. "Are you ready?'''' he asks me kindly.


    I nod my head because I want to do this. I am just a little scared about it all. I know she is gone but I never really thought she was really gone. I always felt like her presence always lingered. I know it makes no sense. Like where do you go after death?


    I have never really believed in heaven; I just feel like you linger on this life until it is your time to reincarnate. I don''t know if it makes sense but that is how I have always felt. We get down from the car and I walk by his side because the air is suddenly so cold. We keep walking side by side until we get to her gravestone. This is the first time I have ever seen it in person. My hands tremble as he drops the bouquet of flowers that he brought with him.


    I don''t know what happens to me but at that moment, it feels like the walls are closing in on me. I know I said that it would be a good idea but now that I am here. I don''t want to do this anymore.


    "I can''t do this,'''' I breathe out in the silence of the graveyard. This is a lot more than I thought I could handle. I am not strong enough right now.


    He looks away from the tombstone and to me and his hand is on my shoulder, he is trying to make me feel better but I don''t know how to right now "I am here with you. you are not alone.'''' He reminds me of the things that I already know. I see him and Marybell, I see lance. All the people that are on my side but how do I talk to her when I feel so sad.


    My breathing spikes up "okay, I understand. We will come back again. When you are ready,'''' he tells me.


    I nod because I want to leave. I want to be out of this place right now.


    We get back to the car, and George starts the ride. I couldn''t even look at her grave. I was too embarrassed to do anything and I don''t know if I ever will.


    "These things take time son. You don''t have to feel like it is a setback,'''' he tries to calm me down but I see the look in his eyes. He feels bad for bringing me here. I don''t want a situation where he will end up blaming himself for this. I want to be better for him and everyone else.


    "I want to try again. Can I get a month to just prepare?'''' I ask him.


    His smile is warm "You can take as much time as you need. She will always be here." He assures me.


    We drive to the house and my eyes stay fixed on the tattoo on my wrist. The one thing that has been able to calm me down for the two months. Every time I see the tattoo. I remember everything that is important. I remember him and the smile he always had on his face. Lance has been the light that I have lived on, in my dark times.


    Once I see the apartment building through the window. My heart beats against my chest in excitement. I miss him so much that I am sure dad can tell.


    "He has been waiting for you.''''


    I look at him and there is a smile on his face. I have been waiting for him too. No one has any idea.


    "He kept texting me all day. Making sure you were okay." I inhale a long breath and he chortles "I have never seen anyone love a person as that kid loves you."


    All that he is saying just makes me feel more at ease. That means he accepts us. He is okay with our relationship and that is all that matters.


    The car stops in front of the apartment and I take a deep breath because I can''t wait for any longer "Do you want to spend the night with him?'''' he asks.


    I nod my head immediately.


    He laughs as I get out of the car. "Have fun son.''''


    I get down from the car and walk up the stairs nervously until I get to his floor. My heart is racing so loudly that it feels like it is about to explode. I don''t know what to expect but I just want to see him and his smile and his beautiful face.


    "Ford,'''' I turn around and Patrick has a smile on his face.


    I remember the time where I felt he was a threat. The man in front of me has a smile on his face¡ªso welcoming that I just want to take him in my arms and apologize for the way I treated him.


    "You''re back,'''' he manages walking up to me hurriedly.


    He pulls me in for a short hug and I smile happily. I close my eyes for just a second because that is how long the hug is. After he pulls away from me, he smiles "Lance just left a couple of minutes ago. Didn''t you see him outside?'''' he asks me.


    I furrow my brows in confusion.


    He was expecting me?


    Right?


    "Is Jack around?'''' I ask.


    He shakes his head "I have the key for the apartment if you want to wait until he gets back.'''' I nod eagerly and he gives me the key to the apartment. I leave him and enter the apartment. The lights are off, the tv is on. Typical of Lance to leave the tv on. I walk further into the room and grab the remote control, shutting it off immediately. as I sit down on the couch, I think about him and seeing him. I think about all the things I will say to him when he gets home. I think about kissing him as I fall asleep on the couch.


    I don''t know how long I sleep for but the minute I hear the jiggling of keys, I sit up on the bed. "Hurry up fool, we need to decorate before he gets here." I hear his voice and I know who he is talking to.


    Jack.


    "It''s not my fault that you plan a surprise last minute."


    They walk into the house and to the kitchen, not even noticing me in the living room. I smile because they seem so engrossed in their conversation.


    "When is he getting here?'''' Jack asks and I watch them drop the bags in their grips on the counter.


    "His dad said they were making a stop, last time I checked. So maybe an hour or two." He answers.


    The smile refuses to leave my lips as I watch them. Completely in love with the man in front of me. "You should check your phone. What if they finish early? You need to know how long we have to put up the banner and the balloons."


    Just the thought of him doing this for me is enough. I don''t mind that there won''t be a surprise once he finally notices me.


    "Okay.''''


    I watch him reach into his back pocket for his phone. The smile on his face disappears and his eyes open wide.


    "shit, he was supposed to be here an hour ago. What if he knocked and left,'''' I watch them run over to the door before deciding to show my face.


    His eyes open even wider when he sees me and I manage a smile because this scene is typical of Lance.


    The man I love.

 Chapter 179 - A Year Later

    Lance.


    I can''t believe he is here in front of me.


    Give it to me to plan a last-minute surprise and then be caught. I can''t even be disappointed in myself because he is here. That is all that matters to me at this moment. I run into his arms ignoring Jack and the stupid sounds he is making. My lips are on his instantly. Kissing him feels like everything to me.


    I missed him so much.


    He grabs me around my waist and pulls me closer to him. it feels like nothing has changed. Almost like the two months, we lost never happened and we are just back to where we left off. God, I have never been this happy in my life.


    "You are here,'''' I mutter in between kisses. Right now, I don''t know what I want. I want to keep kissing him, I want to stare at his beautiful face. I want everything at this moment.


    "I should leave you guys,'''' jack coughs nervously as ford pushes my back to the wall. I don''t even care that Jack is in the room.


    We both stay on each other. Our lips still pressed to each other. I don''t care about the door as it closes. He will see Jack later. Right now, all I care about is him. we keep kissing and soon enough, our clothes are off, in the middle of the living room. The only sounds that come from us are our moans and grunts as we devour each other. The second he enters me slowly, I feel my world collide with his. I feel all the love I have for him. everything that we have shared together flashes through my eyes. He keeps his eyes on me, his expression is as intense as mine. I love this man so much. I love him because he is who he is. All his flaws and everything.


    ******************


    "Why didn''t you call me,'''' I ask him.


    We are both sprawled on the floor in the living room, naked and sweaty. He smiles at my question, probably remembering earlier.


    I hit his chest playfully and he grabs my hand in his "I didn''t have my phone. I just assumed that you and dad had talked about everything.''''


    It was stupid of me not to check my phone. Yeah, I was very excited and then jack convinced me to do a welcome home surprise for him, which he ended up not seeing, so at the end of it all, it was pointless.


    "I bought a cake and everything,'''' I tell him sadly.


    I imagined his expression as he walked in through the doors. I thought about it so much after I agreed to do it and I just had to mess it up.


    "I don''t care about a cake. You are the only thing I care about,'''' he tells me with a serious expression on his face. I roll my eyes because everyone cares about cake.


    I mean, come on, it''s cake.


    "Your favorite flavor?'''' I tease him with a raised brow.


    He laughs and pulls me closer to him "You''re my favorite flavor,'''' he licks the side of my face and I close my eyes.


    "You want us to still eat it?'''' he asks.


    I open my eyes and nod "Do you want to decorate the place up and I could act surprised? That could work.''''


    I smile.


    It defeats the point of the surprise but I just wanted him to feel missed. He stands up from the floor and pulls me up. We are both naked. Our underwear is in a corner in the room. He grabs both of them and throws mine at me. I watch him as he puts his on hurriedly and runs into the kitchen.


    He reaches for the bag and I watch him as he unravels the contents inside. There are balloons, streamers, and a banner that took most of the time.


    He opens the banner wider and the contents come out on display "Welcome back boyfriend?'''' he reads the contents with a smile on his face.


    "The man at the mall was so slow at it, I almost had a fight to hurry him up,'''' I tell him of my ordeal. He laughs as he drops the banner on the counter and pulls out more stuff from the bag. Once the bags are empty, we start to decorate the apartment together. almost the same way I envisioned. I know this might look pointless to anyone but here I am with the man I thought I would lose. He almost slipped out of my fingers and now he is happily decorating my apartment for his own welcome party.


    Life couldn''t get any better.


    A YEAR LATER.


    It has been a year.


    A year of pure bliss.


    I have never been happier with anyone than I am with Ford. Things have been great¡ªyeah, there are rocky days. Days where his disorder will get the best of him and on those days, I do what I have been trained to do. I stay with him, I try to be there for him and if he needs space, I give it to him. at first, it was very hard to handle him when he was in a mood but now, I have come to embrace his moods as part of him.


    We graduated a couple of months ago. He gave up on basketball and applied to numerous colleges to study English. I didn''t apply to any colleges, because I want to take a year off school. That year will be spent with him.


    Mom wasn''t too happy about it because she wanted me to get a head start but with everything that has happened, I just felt like I needed it. I just needed the break and after a lot of pleading, she has gotten used to it.


    I park my car in the lot of the coffee shop. Ford has been spending a lot of time at this coffee shop near the house. He has been doing a lot of writing. Something that he has come to love. I have been encouraging him with it and it was my idea to take some time to help him with his creative writing.


    I send him a quick text and it takes him a couple of minutes to come out of the building. His laptop is in his grip and there is a smile on his face as he walks into the car. I plant a kiss on his lips as he puts on his seatbelt.


    "How was writing?'''' I ask him with a smile on his face.


    He shrugs "A little on the dark side today,'''' he tells me and shakes his head, almost like he is brushing away the thoughts in his head. He writes whatever he feels. That idea came from his doctor. He showed him the journal that I kept and Dr. Mathew suggested that he continue writing as he is very good at it.


    I have been so supportive and I will continue being that for him. with whatever he decides.


    "can we make a stop,'''' he asks me hopefully.


    I nod and he gives me the address. The minute I see that he wants to go to the cemetery, I can''t help but ask


    "Are you ready?''''


    He told me the day he got out of the hospital that he tried doing it with his father but he couldn''t. he hasn''t tried again. I told him I would always be there for him, so I guess he wants to today.


    "I don''t know but I want to try one last time before college. I need to do this.''''


    I nod grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze. He closes his eyes as I start the drive. Right now, he is meditating. Trying to control his nerves. This is something he has been doing and it seems to help him a lot. We drive in silence until we get there and I watch him as he looks out the window to the entrance. He nods his head immediately and we both get down from the car. I have never been a fan of cemeteries.


    I am a firm believer in ghosts and body possessions, so it means a lot that I am here right now. this was supposed to be something that he was supposed to do with his father but if he wants to share this moment with me first, then I will take it wholeheartedly.


    We walk until we get to her tombstone. He remembers the location which means he has been wanting to come here again. His mother is the only part of him yet, that he hasn''t gotten closure. He needs this before he can fully move on from all the guilt.


    It might take some time but the first step is visiting her.


    He closes his eyes and I grab his hand again. This time he turns to me and I smile at him "You got this,'''' I give him encouragement and this gets a smile on his face.

 Chapter 180 - All Round Closure

    Ford.


    This is my second try at this and I hope this time is better. It took me a whole year to come here again and now I really understand what Dr Mathew meant by a slow process. He said healing would take time and if I wanted a quick response, it wasn''t going to happen. At first, I thought all I needed was the meds to make me feel better but it is bigger than just medication. I needed a safe space and I have gotten that with Lance.


    He is the place that I can always go to and that is why I wanted to do this with him. I wanted to come here with him because he is the only one that understands me. He is the only one that can read me, know when something is bothering me.


    We have been together for a year and it has been amazing. there are still times where I have meltdowns and treat him like a stranger but the good days have been more than the bad and he has been able to handle all the bad days well. I am so grateful to him, that coming here feels like second nature.


    "Hey mama," I hear his voice as I stare at her gravestone. I have been speechless and I didn''t know what to say. I didn''t come here to apologize. I have moved past blaming myself and I know she wouldn''t want me to think this was my fault.


    Dad keeps trying to convince me that I was a child. He thinks he should''ve communicated with me better and I think the same. That is why I am living my life differently. I don''t bottle things anymore, no matter how much I think it would hurt.


    "So I brought your son today,'''' he goes on his knees and drops the gardenia flowers. They were her favourite when she was alive. I remember because dad uses to always send them every month until their anniversary. Now that I know the truth, I remember things that I completely wiped out of my memory. All the good things that he did with her. The times that they shared happily. Somehow, my brain chose to take all those parts out and I only remembered things that didn''t actually happen.


    "Your son is going to be a writer. He is going to Stanford. Can you imagine? A big shot writer is what he will be.''''


    The only reason I am even going is because I will spend the first year with him. He hasn''t decided on what he wants to study and I am glad that he is taking a gap year because that gives me some time to be with him, even though it is just for a year.


    I know he will eventually figure out what he wants to do and I will be by his side while he does.


    "Ford is shy right now. He thinks you don''t want to talk to him. So that is why I am taking his place, but don''t worry, it will only be for a couple of seconds." He looks at me and I can''t help but smile at how cute he is. God, I love this man.


    His eyes stay on me "Are you ready,'''' there is still a smile on his face. I go on my knees next to him and he squeezes my shoulder encouragingly. That is all I need as I breathe out the words. He is the only strength I need to make things better.


    "Hi, mom.''''


    ************************


    We walk into the house hand in hand and there is no shame or worry that someone might see us. For a long time, we kept our relationship a secret, now we don''t have to hide it anymore. I can proudly say that I love this man without a care in the world. That is what we have become in such a short amount of time.


    It is freeing because the people that matter have all accepted us. They are okay with everything that we have shown them. My father, his mother, all our friends. There is no reason to be ashamed anymore.


    "You''re here,'''' Marybelle runs into our arms, taking the both of us in for a hug. She has been the most supportive of our relationship. I never wanted to get to know her before but now, I feel a bond with her.


    "Let go mother,'''' Lance whines as he tries to get away from her grip. I chuckle in her arms because he is always acting all mean to her. That has always been their dynamic. They are both stubborn to each other and it seems to work for them. "You won''t deprive me of hugging my son,'''' she rolls her eyes and pushes him away. Now I am the only one in her arms. She rests her head on my shoulder and my laugh becomes louder.


    "He is not your son, he is my boyfriend.'''' He reminds her because he hates when she calls me her son.


    She laughs as she pulls away from me, my eyes remain on them as they continue their banter "But he is a better son than you are.''''


    He rolls his eyes "He is your son in law. Don''t claim what is not yours.''''


    My heart warms at that because he is thinking of me in the long term. I don''t mind getting married to him. In fact, it is all I want.


    "Fine, dinner is almost ready. Your dad is almost home,'''' she informs us as she walks back to the kitchen. We have family dinners every month. They never really got used to us not living with them, so we made a compromise and that is why we are here right now.


    We go into my room and he jumps on the bed "Mom is such a drama queen,'''' he concedes.


    I laugh because to me, he is the drama queen but I don''t need to tell him that. He probably already knows. Lance makes a big deal about everything, and that is what made me fall in love with him. The take he has on life. I wish I could see things in his eyes. I wish I could be half the man that he is.


    There is a knock on the door before I can sit next to him.


    Maria the maid is on the other side of the door "There is someone here to see you, sir,'''' she says. I furrow my brows because I am not expecting anyone.


    "Who is it?'''' I ask.


    "Lisa.''''


    Everyone in this house knows Lisa. I have been avoiding Lisa for a whole year. I don''t have the courage to face her because I don''t want negative energy around me and she makes me angry.


    "Why is she here?'''' I ask her even though I know that she doesn''t know.


    "Just go see her,'''' Lance interrupts before I can have an outburst. I take a deep breath and Maria leaves. I turn to Lance and he is in front of me with a smile on his face.


    "We are leaving in a couple of weeks. I think you need to do this. Get closure from her,'''' he tells me.


    I don''t want to do this. I hate her so much and I know that hate is not the best kind of emotion to carry. It gives you demons, makes your heart darker and the only things I need are bright lights in my life. I know he is right but there are some things that you know you should do but you don''t want to.


    "Will you come with me?'''' I ask him.


    He shakes his head "I think you need to do this on your own, don''t you think so?''''


    Dad told me that she wants to make amends. He has always had a soft spot for her. Even after he found out about the things she did. He still wanted me to let go and forgive her. I don''t know if it will be easy to forgive her but I don''t want to think about her at all. I want to move on past everything that happened. Live my life for only Lance. She is not part of the life that I want for myself. She is nowhere near.


    "I want you to come with me. she needs to apologise to you too.''''


    He smiles "I don''t hold her that high. She was never important to me. I know she was your friend at some point. So she is more important to you.''''


    He is right. Lisa was someone that I held in my heart. Growing up, she was the only person I could talk to. we had a steady relationship, she was my best friend. The things she did clouds everything. I don''t think we will ever get back to that place we once were.


    But he is right, I need to do this alone.

 Chapter 181 - Life Cant Get Any Better

    Ford.


    I walk out of the room, already thinking about what I will say to her. I don''t have anything to say to her¡ªI still think she is a selfish bitch.


    "No negative thoughts Ford,'''' I remind myself because if I go out there with those kinds of thoughts, I wouldn''t get closure from her. I see her in the living room, she is seated in an awkward position. There was a time when Lisa didn''t need someone to let her in. she belonged in this house more than I did and I lived here. She was always part of the family, my best friend and now she is just a stranger. I take a deep breath because I don''t know how this will true out.


    I don''t know if she actually came here to apologize.


    I don''t know why she is here but I want to be optimistic. I want to believe that there is still some good left in her. That she is still the same person I knew and loved. I have moved on from a lot of things in the past but the problems we had are still there.


    "Hey,'''' she stands up from the couch immediately she notices me. I walk further into the room, unsure of what to say.


    "Hey.''''


    Her eyes remain fixed on me as she takes a step forward. I don''t know what she is doing but this is awkward already and she hasn''t even said anything. Before I even know what is happening, her hands are around my neck and she is hugging me "I am so glad you are okay," she mutters.


    This confuses me.


    Isn''t she a year too late? I don''t know what she is pulling but I know she is pulling something right now. I haven''t spoken to her since I got out of the hospital a year ago and this was my choice. I just wanted space from anything that could make me fall back and it worked. Now that she is here, I don''t mind rehashing things. I think I am ready mentally for whatever this conversation is.


    "Why are you here Lisa?'''' I ask her.


    Slowly, she pulls away from me "I have missed you so much, Brad. Ever since Lance came into your life, you forgot the people that were there for you since the beginning."


    She is blaming Lance for the way I have treated her when we both know that this is all her fault. She manipulated me and blackmailed me. She wasn''t a friend and she wants to pin this on Lance "Is this why you are here? To blame Lance?''''


    She shakes her head immediately "No, I came to talk to you. We need to make things right.''''


    The start of this conversation isn''t going well. I need to get an apology from her and it seems like that is not happening "I didn''t do anything to you, Lisa, I don''t have anything to say to you, so if you do, I suggest you get on with it.''''


    I don''t want to be angry at the beginning of our conversation but it already leaning towards that direction,


    "You broke my heart, Brad. You knew how I felt about you and you crushed my heart to pieces." She cries. I almost believe her but there is no way she loved me. All I got from her was hate and then more hate.


    She never for once acted as if she loved me.


    "I didn''t love you. Why do want me to do exactly what you want? I am not living my life for you.''''


    She sighs "You didn''t know what you wanted. You still don''t.''''


    I thought she came here to make amends but she is still sticking to the same idealogy that she always had. She doesn''t want to see that me and Lance have been in love for more than a year. That everyone knows and already accepts it. she doesn''t want to accept that I will never be with her, that I will never love her the way she wants.


    She is just here to stir trouble. Nothing about this conversation will give me closure. I don''t even want to make things right with her. I just want to let her go completely because there is no point. "Lisa, I need you to leave,'''' I tell her coldly because that is the only way she will listen to me. if I am completely detached from her and it seems like that is what is happening.


    She shakes her head, her eyes wide in disbelief "You can''t be serious right now Brad. I am here, I am willing to let the past go. Just try and see things from my side.''''


    I used to think that I was the delusional one in our pair but it seems like that is all her. She is crazy to think I am the one that needs forgiving. She did so much to me and Lance. Things that I don''t even want to think about and she is here, telling me shit.


    "Get out of my house Lisa. I don''t ever want to see you again,'''' I take a step away from her and she grabs my arm a little too roughly.


    "You will regret this Brad. I will watch you suffer and I will remind you of this day." Her voice echoes in the room. This is far from the closure that I wanted. In my mind, I thought this visit would end with us hugging and forgiving each other but it just feels like de ja vu, a reminder that not all battles will be won.


    Lisa leaves and I close my eyes, watching the space she occupied a couple of minutes ago. I sit in the living room for a couple of minutes until footsteps get me out of my daze. I see Lance and a faint smile sprawls to my face. The only person that matters to me walks closer until he is in front of me.


    "I take it, that didn''t go well?"


    I sigh.


    It went far from well.


    "She is still a bitch."


    He laughs and somehow his infectious laugh comes to me "I thought she was here to make things right but I was wrong.''''


    "You did what you had to do. You have tried your best.''''


    I shake my head "Why is this so hard,'''' I run my hands through my hair and he reaches for me.


    "You did the right thing. It is not your job to accept the way she sees things. I want you to let it go and move on.''''


    I have already made up my mind. Lisa is basically dead to me and nothing will change that. It''s not the end of the world. We walk back into my room and he holds me tight. He knows this is hard for me. Lance is the only one that understands me.


    I guess this is one of those you lose in some situations.


    Dinner starts and everyone is happy and all smiles, as I look around the table, I see the people that matter to me. My family. There was a time in my life when I thought I would always be alone. I pushed everyone away from me but now, the people in this room are everything.


    They have saved me in so many ways and I will always be grateful to them.


    Life can''t get any better than this.


    Or maybe it can.

 Chapter 182 - Ten Years Later

    Lance.


    The sound of the wind rustles against the window in melodious music. The sound of the trees hitting the windowsill make me open my eyes. The ceiling is dark but the stars'' stickers shine brightly. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. For the past ten years, I have been completely happy. Content with everything in my life.


    I turn to his side of the bed and it is empty. This comes as a surprise because I usually wake up earlier than him. on weekends, he likes to sleep in. I give him the chance to do this by getting up and making breakfast. When he smells the food, he wakes up.


    Today seems to be different. I get up from the bed and walk to the bathroom. I should go look for him but I usually brush my teeth and have a quick shower before leaving the room. Our room. I have been with Ford for ten years¡ªeleven if you count all the rocky times. When I first met Ford, he was everything I wanted in a person. He made me happy, he made me believe in my happy ending. There were a lot of problems with being with him. our parents didn''t want us together. he was battling a lot of demons¡ªthere are still days when he would lose control. Days when he will relapse but at this phase in our life, I have been able to handle those days. I have been able to give him space and time he needs to get back on track.


    Our relationship hasn''t been the most perfect one but I can vouch for the two of us that we are happy. I am the happiest I have ever been.


    Ten years went by and I plan on spending another ten years with him. I plan to spend the rest of my life with him.


    After brushing my teeth, I walk out of the room because I can''t ignore that he is not in the room. I hear the rummaging from the halls. I already know he is in the kitchen. Ford rarely cooks, so this comes as a surprise to me.


    I hurry into the kitchen and it is a mess.


    He looks up from the bowl in front of him. there is a pancake mix next to him and a crate of eggs. I see a plate of sausages already fried up. He stirs the whisk in the bowl as he smiles at me brightly. His teeth come out "Good morning,'''' he breathes out.


    My heart melts at the sight in front of me. thinking back to the days of our youth. The young vibrant boy he was¡ªhe is not all man. His face has aged in the best way possible. The smile on his face just makes him look even more attractive. My boyfriend. The love of my life. The man that I gave my heart to.


    "What is, uh going on?'''' I walk over with a smile on my face.


    He stirs the mix in the bowl as I stop in front of the counter, opposite him "I am making breakfast,'''' he expresses like it is normal for him. I am used to this. the sudden change in his behavior. I don''t act surprised when he does something out of the ordinary. The meds help him keep his emotions in check but that doesn''t mean he is cured completely. There are still days when he would just do something to get it all out of him and I know making breakfast is not really a big deal for anyone, he is not usually awake so early.


    I am the early riser.


    "Do you need help?'''' I ask him as I walk over to him, trailing my hand on the counter table. The mess he made doesn''t bother me. I am not OCD about anything he does. He stops his stirring and turns to me. his eyes are brightly lit under the dim light above him. my smile widens as he reaches for me¡ªI ignore the flour on his hands. He is a complete mess right now. his shirt is messed up with stains, his hair has flour all over him. the only part of him that isn''t stained with food are his ears. I reach for his face, tugging at his beard "Are you cooking, or is the food cooking you?'''' I ask him amused by the situation.


    He rolls his eyes playfully and grabs my hand "I wanted to surprise you,'''' he informs me, batting his lashes in the cutest way possible. My hands are still on him and I don''t even want to let go of him.


    I am surprised.


    "What brought about the surprise?''''


    He blushes, leaning into me. the closer he gets. The louder my heart thuds against my chest. It has been ten years and it still feels like the first time I met him. in his room at that party. The way he looked at me, the love is still in his eyes. "Char called me last night,'''' he breathes inot my mouth. Our lips are just an inch apart and the butterflies dance around my tummy as it usually does whenever I am close to him.


    My eyes open wide because I know what that means. Char is a friend I made in college. We have been friends for eight years and she is a social worker.


    "And?'''' I ask him already getting excited.


    His smile widens, he likes leaving me in suspense. The mystery that comes with this conversation. I haven''t checked my phone since last night, so I am sure she called me too. There is only one reason why she would be calling my boyfriend.


    The one thing we have been wanting for the past year.


    "She found someone,'''' he tells me still smiling. My hands are clutching unto him. my legs are already trembling.


    "Are you serious?'''' I ask him because this all seems too good to be true.


    He nods "I couldn''t believe it myself. This is everything.'''' he mutters excitedly. I am pretty sure he doesn''t have all the information. I am sure he just heard something along those lines and he is already celebrating.


    "Oh my god,'''' I manage because I am in shock.


    I have been thinking about adopting for two years. There has been this fear inside me. I didn''t know if it was a good idea with Ford and his illness but he mentioned it once and we started working on it. I didn''t want to restrict him from living a normal life. I wanted him to have everything. the full package.


    Wanting to complete our family wasn''t just my decision. He wants it too. It has been very hard¡ªthere are a lot of factors that we didn''t even think of.


    Things that came up.


    We have turned our lives around to accommodate this.


    "She said it wasn''t a direct adoption though,'''' he adds. I stop my mental celebration and look at him. he is still smiling, so that must mean that whatever it is isn''t so bad.


    "What did she say, baby? I am losing my mind,'''' I manage because the suspense is killing me. you have to understand that this is something that I have wanted for a long time and now that it is happening, I can''t contain myself.


    "It''s not a big deal. she said we have to do this first. They need to make sure we are capable of taking care of him.


    Him?


    Fuck, we are having a son?


    I totally forget about what he is saying and wrap my arms around his neck. He welcomes me into his arms by pulling me on top of the counter. I don''t care that there is a mess and it will stain my clothes. I don''t care as the bowl in front of him tips over to the floor.


    "Holy shit,'''' I exclaim excitedly, pulling away from him slightly so that I can see his face. That shine is still in his eyes. He is as happy about this as I am.


    "We are having a son.''''


    He nods his head "He is four,'''' he tells me.


    Four.


    Fuck.


    I haven''t even met him yet and I already love him. I want to give him the world. I want him to see us and completely trust us.


    I want to be his everything.


    It''s weird but I feel it all and I haven''t even met the kid "Oh my God,'''' I cry even more excited. He nods his head; it seems like he has gone through his own stage of celebrating. "Why didn''t you wake me up when she called?''''


    "You were tired. I wanted you to rest the night.''''


    I roll my eyes. Give it to Ford to thinking about me getting rest when there is something important happening. Sometimes, I think he cares about me more than he cares about himself.


    "I have so many questions, I want to meet him.''''


    He nods "She said we can set a meeting today. Whenever we are ready."


    I smile. My heart is still beating.


    Our life is just about to begin and I am so excited about it.


    I cant wait.

 Chapter 183 - My Home

    Patrick


    "Don''t stop." He screams so loud that the sound travels to my ears and down to my heart, tugging at the strings. I watch him as he grabs the sheets roughly pulling them off the bed. All I see is his back and very beautiful bubble butt. I grab him by his neck until his face is close to mine. he is sweating, his eyes are closed "Do not stop,'''' he repeats this time even more firmly.


    I smile as I move into him even harder than before and he screams so loud that I can swear the neighbors hear us. The smile on my face widens because I love it when I fuck him. ever since we started switching, our sex life intensified.


    He seems to be a different person when I fuck him, he seems to be hornier and louder. "Jesus Christ baby, right there. That''s the spot,'''' he gasps as I press my lips to his to shut him up. He smiles into the kiss as I thrust into him. I keep going at it until he stiffens against me, breathing heavily in my arms. Once I feel him cum, I let go, pouring into him with all the strength left in me. He falls to the bed with a gentle thud and I fall on top of him.


    Our sweat and cum mix together. the sheets are a mess.


    "Fuck, I never thought you could get any better but you just have to keep surprising me,'''' he breathes into the mattress. His voice is muffled but I hear him clearly. I laugh because I am speechless right now. A hot bath is all I need to make this night perfect.


    "We messed up the sheets again,'''' he mutters, shifting slightly so that he can look at me. I smile warmly. His eyes are still dark, and lust-filled. Jack is the only person I know that can go numerous rounds without ever getting tired. His sex drive never diminished after all those years.


    "I love you," he breathes out, still watching me. I remind him of that almost every day and he returns my admittance with a smile. His way of telling me that he loves me too. "We should get up and have a bath,'''' he tells me with so much energy in his voice. unlike him, I am exhausted from a busy day at work.


    Jack has been out of a job for a couple of months and I can see it affecting him. The confidence he used to have has been cut off. We started this relationship with me taking care of him. I gave him a place after he decided to finally leave his father. It took a lot from him to make that decision. Even now, he still checks up on the man. I am so shocked that his father is still alive. Shocked that he survived this long. Unlike me, jack went to college. He studied business administration. Getting a job was not easy and after the company, he was working in went under, his self-esteem has depreciated. I have enough money to fend for the two of us, so there never has been any problem in that area but Jack has always been proud and he hates that I am still taking care of him.


    There is nothing I can say to help him because he wants to do this on his own. I have given him time and with all the job hunts and searches, it is even frustrating me.


    "Come on,'''' he detaches from me and pulls me off the bed. I look at the sight of the bed and a smile sprawls to my face.


    "We can''t sleep on this bed,'''' I tell him. he chuckles and I watch him as he pulls the sheets off the bed and tosses it to the floor, near the door.


    "I will take it down after our shower." He tells me and pulls me into the bathroom. The bright lights hit me immediately I walk in and he smiles. "Come on," my eyes dart to him and his glory. He is naked and not even ashamed. We have come so far, been together for so long that seeing his dick in the bright lights of the bathroom doesn''t even make me flinch. I know every detail in his body. I have memorized his body like it is mine, I know the dents and corners. I know the little birthmark he has under his lap, just close enough to his butt cheeks. He is mine, in every way possible.


    "Stop staring,'''' he jabs at me with that smile still on his face. I shake my head and walk over to the bathtub.


    "I don''t want a shower tonight,'''' I inform him.


    He sighs loudly "You know the tub is too small for the two of us,'''' he reminds me. I like the fact that he knows instantly, that he will be in it with me. most times, Lance makes fun of us. No one understands why after so long, we still act like this is the beginning of our relationship. When we go out with friends, I always stick to him and he does the same with me. I never want to let him go and maybe it is a little clingy but we don''t have any problems with it.


    "You can use the shower and I will use the tub,'''' I am teasing him and he knows it. I walk over to the tub and block the drainage. He watches me as I open the hot water tap and start to fill it up.


    "Hmmm,'''' he mutters as he walks into the shower. He is teasing me too. We do this sometimes, see who will cave in at the end. Usually, it is me that always gives in to his demands but every once in a while, he ends up being the one that grovels. I put a bath bomb into the water as the shower starts to run. It looks like I might end up groveling this time. The water keeps running but I ignore it as I watch mine, waiting for it to fill up. I hear him in the shower, humming to seek attention. He is playing the game with the hopes that he will win. This time, I want to win.


    I enter the tub and the warm water soothes my skin. After a  couple of minutes, my eyes are closed, the water is quite relaxing as I knew it would be. I hear the shower go off and the door open. I hear his footsteps but I choose to remain quiet and ignore him. I know what he will do. I know he will get into the shower and act as if nothing happened. Just as I knew already, I feel the water rise up as he enters the tub. As he said, my bathtub isn''t that big, it shouldn''t fit the two of us but it is not the first time we have been here together.


    "You''re ignoring me,'''' he tries to get my attention.


    I open one eye and he is so close to me; I can feel every part of me. this is exactly what I wanted. With this closeness, I wanted to keep being clingy for the rest of the night.


    "Thought you didn''t want the tub?'''' I raise a brow.


    He rolls his eyes "You weren''t in the shower,'''' he manages, his eyes away from me. I pull him closer to me and the frown on his face wipes off and is replaced with a smile and red cheeks. If he didn''t come to me, I would have gone to him. there is no in between and there never would be.


    My relationship with Jack is home to me, so the minute I am away from him, I am away from my home. No matter how long I stay away from him, I will always find my way back to him.


    He grabs me by my waist and pulls me up until I am on top of him. his eyes are dark again, I already know what is about to happen and I don''t mind it one bit. "It''s my turn,'''' he winks just as his lips smash into mine with so much force that I lose my balance. He smiles into the kiss and I feel his dick as it hardness against me. his hands are on each side of my waist. His mouth is on mine. it is late and I have work at the gallery tomorrow. I have so much work to do but I wouldn''t trade this for anything. I wouldn''t change what we have right now.


    "Trick,'''' he calls my name lustfully as he pulls back for some air. I look at him and he is watching me "Never leave me,'''' he breathes out.


    I kiss him because there is no point responding to that. He already knows how I feel and he feels the same way.


    As long as these feelings remain.


    He will forever be my home.

 Chapter 184 - The Firetruck Kid

    Lance.


    I have never been as nervous as I am at this moment. Ford is watching me, his hand is squeezing mine tightly. He is as nervous as I am, but he is hiding his very well. My palms are sweaty. From all the overthinking that is going on in my head. We are at the home, Char is supposed to meet us here and I am already diving into my anxiety. Thinking of worst-case scenarios.


    What if he hates us¡ªwhat if he hates only me?


    He is just a baby, I know that but I just want everything to be perfect. Ford said we will have to foster him for a couple of months. This is our first attempt at adoption and this has been the most important thing to me for the past couple of months. I just want everything to go well.


    We are in the reception/living room of the place. I see children as they walk around and my mind wanders and thinks, with every child that he is the one.


    "You are about to explode,'''' Ford breaks the silence.


    I let out a huff because the wait is the worst thing. "Should I call her, why is she so late,'''' I blurt out impatiently.


    He laughs because to him, I am amusing. He is not as nervous as I am, he is probably not overthinking as much as I am and this is a first because Ford is usually the one that panics. It comes with his disorder and usually, I like to balance him out by being the calm one.


    "We came here early. You know damn well that Char said we should meet her here by eleven, It is just ten-thirty." He pipes in as he glances at his watch. I roll my eyes because he is teasing me right now. Basking in the fact that I am eager about this.


    "Well, I am calling her anyway.'''' I grab my phone and stand up from the chair. He laughs as I walk out of the house and to the front porch. With my phone in my ear, I walk over to the corner of the porch. The part that has a swinging chair. I take a seat on the rocking chair and wait for Char to answer "Dude, you have got to be patient,'''' she screams into my ear.


    I move the phone away to block out her loud voice "You know how important this is to me. Why are you wasting time?'''' I accuse her.


    She sighs into the phone "I am on my way. There is a lot of traffic.''''


    I roll my eyes because I know one thing for a fact and that is Char is never early for anything. In fact, she is never on time. I am calling her because I need her to make it for eleven unfailingly.


    "Please be here on time,'''' I groan into the phone and this gets a laugh out of her.


    "I am coming mister.''''


    She ends the call and for the first time since I came out here, I see a kid at the corner. He has a Rubik''s cube in his hand. He seems to be battling with it but there is this fixated expression on his face. My mind goes to the fact that he might be the one. The kid that we are here to see. He is about the same age. His hair is chestnut brown.


    "Do you need help?'''' I walk up to him, just by the steps and he looks up with a confused expression on his face. His eyes are a sky blue colour. There are freckles all over his face, the kind that looks like an imprint on his face. Next to me, he is really tiny. The most adorable kid I have ever seen.


    It takes him a couple of seconds to register that I am talking to him. A smile sprawls up to my face at the expression he has on. I know he doesn''t want to be talking to me right now. I get that, he is just a kid and the world has already dealt with him.


    "I am fine,'''' he turns away from me and my smile widens. He is shy, I can tell that much and somehow, he calls to me. I know it is not a good idea to bond with him just yet. I mean, there is a chance that he is not the kid we are here to see but something about him just calls to me. I watch him in silence as he continues to struggle with the game. He is stubborn and I get that.


    To him. Everyone failed him, so he must feel like he is better alone, without getting help but at this moment, all I want to do is help him. All I want is to see a smile on his face. After a couple of minutes, he turns to me slowly and sighs loudly. He doesn''t say a word as he slides the game to me.


    I can''t help myself as I reach for it. The expression on his face is still the same as I show him the trick to the game. I have never really cared about this game, I never even thought there was anything special in knowing how to solve it but when his eyes widen as I match the colours together. I feel an accomplishment. Seeing the joy in his eyes makes me the happiest I have ever been. I give it to him when it is complete. He grabs the game from me and closes his eyes for a second. I watch him because I don''t know what to say. After a couple of seconds, he stands up and walks in the direction of the house. I watch him as my heart beats for him.


    I don''t know anything about this kid but I already feel love for him. I want him to be the one so badly. I want to take care of him. I want to show him that he can be loved. "Hey kid,'''' I call him. He stops and turns around. I look at his shirt, it is red and there is a fire truck on it. I have never met any kid that is this quiet. Most kids ask a lot of questions. They might be stupid questions but they always talk. He seems to not have any words.


    "What''s your name?''''


    He raises a brow "I am not supposed to talk to strangers.'''' He blurts before turning around and walking into the house. I get up from the floor and walk over to the entrance. I don''t know why I am panicking, it is not like I know anything about the kid. I have wanted a child for so long and I already said I wasn''t going to be choosy but what do I do when my heart is calling to him. I want to know his name because I want him.


    Fuck.


    Ford looks up from his phone when he sees me and a smile sprawls to his face "Not here, huh?''''


    "Did you see a kid pass by?'''' I ask him.


    He furrows his brows "I''ve seen about five kids pass by.'''' He jokes. I am pretty sure he doesn''t even know why I am asking.


    "I met a kid outside. I want him.'''' I blurt out my feelings.


    I sit down next to him and he furrows his brows in confusion "What do you mean by you want him?'''' he questions.


    I sigh, running my hands through my hair "I want him to be ours. I want to adopt him.''''


    "But we already have a kid.''''


    I shake my head "What if we can ask for him. Choose him? My heart just wants him, babe.'''' I confess my feelings. I know he must think I am insane right now. This is not some sort of supermarket. We can''t just say eenie meenie, and pick a child off the aisle.


    The front door opens and Char walks in dresses in a black and white suit. Her hair is up in a tight bun and she has shades on. "Sorry I am late,'''' she manages as she takes off the glasses.


    I stand up from the chair and walk over to her. "Took you long enough,'''' I roll my eyes and this gets a laugh out of her.


    She grabs my arm and squeals in excitement "Finally L, We found a kid for you.'''' she jumps up as ford laughs out loud.


    I don''t want to be a jerk in this moment and nag about how I already have the kid I want. This is not the best thing to say in this situation, but it is all I want. He is all I want.


    "Can you get him already? Lance is losing his mind.'''' Ford interjects with the smile still on his face. He is as excited about this as I am.


    "I''ll be back in a second,'''' she lets go of my arm and walk deeper into the house. I watch her vanish and face Ford again.


    "I already have a kid I want. He is adorable and I just know that we will connect. How do I ask for him?''''


    He frowns "You can''t do that Lance. You can''t just reject the other kid. It is wrong on so many levels.''''


    I know he is right but what do I do when this is the kid I want. This is the kid my heart wants. I hear the footsteps before I can respond to Ford and just as she walks back to us, the first thing I see is the firetruck shirt.


    My heart jolts against my chest as I see those big blue eyes.

 Chapter 185 - Anxiety

    Jack.


    I walk out of the building with so much anger boiling inside me. This is the worst feeling ever. Knowing you are not good enough. Unable to amount to anything. This is the tenth interview I have gone for this month and it is taking a toll on me. I have been fucking trying and nothing is coming out of it. I don''t know what direction to take in my life.


    I don''t even know who I am anymore. My phone vibrates as I walk over to my car. I see Trick''s face on the screen and through my shitty day, I smile. He is the only one that can make me forget all the problems in my life. He is the only distraction that I take wholeheartedly.


    "Did you get it?'''' he asks immediately I answer the phone and the anger from earlier resurfaces.


    I don''t even want to talk about it because of the fact that I couldn''t even get a job as an assistant just pisses me off the more. I have gone through all ends, tried all types of application. At this point, I will take anything that will get me out of the house. Anything that will make Trick stop worrying about me. I know he wants to help but I don''t want his help right now. I already feel like less of a man with him. He is the breadwinner of the family. It has always been that way. He took care of me after high school. He took out a loan to pay for my tuition for college. He has done everything and I am supposed to start paying him back for everything but here I am jobless with no money to even fend for myself.


    "Not so good.'''' I tell him honestly. I don''t want to lie to him because he is the only one I am honest with. he is the only one I want to be transparent with.


    "Fuck,'''' he exclaims.


    I am pretty sure he feels as bad about this as I do. "Its fine, I still have a couple of others lined up. I just need to keep trying.'''' I don''t want to lose hope right now because that is the only thing I have left.


    "That''s good. I am almost done at the gallery, I was thinking we could have dinner tonight. Somewhere romantic, just us two.''''


    The smile returns to my face as I enter the car.  "That sounds nice, it''s been a while since we have been on a date."


    "Yeah, you have to dress nice okay. No sweats,'''' he warns me. Lately, my go-to outfit has been sweat pants and sweatshirts. I haven''t really been feeling up for dressing up but today, I wore a black suit. I did everything right and I didn''t get the job.


    "Sure. I want to stop by Lance today. They finally got a kid to foster and he wants me to meet him.'''' I tell him. Lance has his shit together¡ªunlike me. I am happy for him but the fact that I am at a stagnant position in my life, ten years after just fucking sucks. I am not jealous of him, I never even think about that but I just get kind of depressed.


    I don''t want this to get to me but it has been months. Months where I have to depend on Trick. It is making me feel like less of a man.


    "Okay, I will be home by seven. I love you.'''' he ends the call and I rest my head on the steering wheel, squeezing it tightly. Right now, I want to scream so loud. Maybe that will help.


    ********************


    I get home after a couple of hours with Lance. I have never seen him happier than he was today. He couldn''t stop gushing about his son and how he was a dad. I didn''t even know that Lance wanted to be a father. The guy is a fucking child on his own and now he has a kid¡ªgranted, he is just fostering but eventually, he wants to adopt him.


    I park my car in front of the house. The little picturesque house we mortgaged. He did the most, everything we have in our life is all thanks to Patrick. I see his car in the garage, next to his motorcycle. I never thought he would ever get overriding that thing but after a couple of years, he finally gave in to a car and that is all he uses.


    I walk into the house, looking around, it is squeaky clean, I didn''t know how much of a neat freak he was until I started living with him permanently. I don''t mind a little mess but if Trick sees as much as a cloth of the floor, he will start to get angst.


    I hear him inside our bedroom. He is probably getting ready for our date. Right now, I don''t feel up to this date. I have been in a down mood all day and I know he is doing this to get my mind off the interview. He knows how I have been feeling and he knows how much being jobless is affecting me mentally.


    I walk into the room and he looks up from the pile of clothes on the bed. Did he make a mess? This is surprising to me.


    "Yo, what is going on?'''' I ask him with a smile on my face.


    He sighs as I walk over to him. Trick has managed him buzz cut all these years. I have gotten so accustomed to him like this that it would be weird seeing him with hair on his head. "I don''t have anything to wear,'''' he whines. That is far from the truth.


    "Really?'''' I ask him as I reach for a shirt on the bed. "What about this?'''' I add.


    He rolls his eyes, telling me that he hates this "What is this about?'''' I ask him because he never takes anything serious¡ªespecially something as trivial as clothes.


    He sighs and walks over to the closet, I follow him as he rummages through the hung clothes "We have a date,'''' he reminds me.


    "I know. I mean, I thought it was just dinner and maybe sex afterwards.''''


    He laughs. Right now, instead of going out, I wouldn''t mind staying indoors and just basking all of him in. I don''t even want to go out right now because going out, means spending money and I don''t have a lot of that right now, which means Trick will have to pay for everything as he has been doing for all of my life.


    "Well I still get nervous when I have dates with you and sure, sex is definitely going to happen.'''' He mutters with a gleam in his eyes. I take a deep breath and start to take off my clothes. His attention goes back to the clothes. I don''t know how long he plans on looking for what to wear but I am exhausted and I want to have a shower. I need to clear my head from all the thoughts running through it.


    The fact that I am a failure.


    The fact that I will never amount to anything.


    I have never felt this low in all my life. Even when I depended on Lance and his mom. When they used to take care of my shit, I promised I would pay them back but I can''t even afford to pay my partner back for anything.


    "I am going to take a shower,'''' I tell him not even giving him a hello kiss. I don''t think he notices but those are the things he usually notices. Right now, his whole attention is fixated on those clothes and looking good for me.


    I walk into the shower and as the hot water pours on my skin, I close my eyes and take steady breaths. I am having an anxiety attack. One that I should talk to someone about. This has never happened to me but it feels like the walls in the showers are closing in on me. It feels like I am disappearing into oblivion.


    I don''t like this feeling at all.


    After a couple of minutes in the shower. I walk out of it and back to the room. Trick is dressed now with a wide smile on his face. I don''t want him to know how I am feeling, I don''t want to have him worried about me. He is already doing so much and I don''t want to add to it.


    "You okay?'''' he walks over to me. Tilting his head to the side, he squints his eyes, almost like he is trying to read me. Find out what is wrong.


    I fake a smile because this is the least I can do. Pretend I am okay, even though I know I am not "I am just tired.'''' I lie.


    He is really looking forward to this date and I need to make sure he gets the best version of me tonight. The one that is happy and content with his life.


    The one he deserves.

 Chapter 186 - The Surprise

    Patrick.


    He is not acting like himself.


    I have known Jack for too long to not know when something is bothering him. This date was a way to get him out of the house and out of his funk. Right now, he is at his lowest. I see it when he looks at me. Every morning when he wakes up when he says goodbye to me. I leave the house knowing that he is not happy and it makes me unhappy.


    He finally dresses up in a pair of black pants and a navy blue shirt. His beautiful red hair is curly on top of his head. His eyes shine under the bright lights above him. Every time I look at him, I feel even more blessed. He is mine, he is all mine.


    "Are you ready?'''' I walk over to him and he smiles. I can see through his smile¡ªhe is happy on the outside but something is going on inside him. I grab his hands in mine and his smile widens. There is something I get when I touch him. Like some kind of chemical reaction that triggers at my heartstrings. I never knew love could feel this way. I didn''t even want to love until him. We have been together for ten years and each day feels like the first.


    "I hope you don''t plan on proposing?'''' he raises a brow, almost like he knows I have some kind of surprise for him.


    I shake my head immediately as I burst into a fit of laughter. "You know I will never do that to you,'''' I tell him.


    I have talked about marriage with him before. It is something I have wanted to do for so long but somehow Jack is terrified of it. He doesn''t want the label. He doesn''t want to have to put up with all that and there is one thing he hates¡ªsurprises.


    If I plan a surprise proposal, I know for a fact that I will get a no from him. He will probably walk away from me if it is in public.


    "You better not mister, I already have your ring on my finger,'''' he raises his hand up to show me the ring I got for him. Even though we never made things official. We still made a promise to each other. There is this silent ''I will be with you until my dying day'' promise. Marriage isn''t something that I am so desperate for because at the end of it all. It is just some label. Something that everyone thinks makes up your happiness.


    The fact that we are on the same page just tells me how much we belong together.


    I grab his hand and kiss each knuckle until I stop on the wedding finger. My lips press onto his finger and he closes his eyes, getting sucked into it. He shifts closer to me until we are pressed against each other. I feel his body heat as he rests his forehead on mine. His eyes are closed. His breathing is soft and addicting. I know what will happen if this continues. We will never make it for the date I have planned.


    I know he doesn''t even want to go out. He is just doing this for me and I am doing this for him. he leans even forward until his lips are pressed on mine gently. His eyes are still closed¡ªhe is testing this. He knows how much I always want him. How I can''t refuse him.


    "I don''t want to go out right now. I just want to be with you in bed,'''' he confesses, totally trying to kill the mood.


    His lips are still on mine. His breath is still hot and heavy against me "I made reservations,'''' I remind him.


    He nods "Cancel it. We can have dinner here. In the comfort of our house. Just you and me,'''' he is tempting me.


    I bend my head back, detaching from him "Come on Babe, we haven''t gone out in a while.''''


    He has become such a hermit. Apart from job interviews, he is usually home or at Lance''s. I don''t want him to feel like we are at that point in our lives where we don''t do anything. I want him to feel like he is still in the dating stage of our relationship. I grab his hands and pull him in the direction of the door "You know you want this. Going out isn''t such a bad thing.''''


    When we first met. Jack was the outgoing one. He had so much going for him. The man in front of me right now is far from the person I fell in love with. I plan on giving him a confidence boost tonight. I will make him see all the things that he is capable of. I want the Jack that I love back.


    I lead him all the way to the front door of the house and he helps me lock up as I grab the keys from my pocket "Come on,'''' I shout to him with a smile on my face. His expression is stoic, there is a hint of amusement in that faint smile he has on but I haven''t completely won him over. There is still enough time to make this the perfect night.


    I just hope he appreciates what I planned for him and doesn''t think of it as an insult.


    ****************************


    We get to the restaurant and he groans loudly. "You have become so anti-social lately,'''' I accuse him jokingly.


    He rolls his eyes "I am old.''''


    This gets a laugh out of me. "You are just twenty-eight, how is that old?''''


    "It is for me. Going out seems like such a fucking chore.''''


    I roll my eyes as we get out of the car and walk into the front door. He walks by my side and the uninterested expression remains plastered on his face. I dragged him here but I don''t have any regrets. I wanted him out of the house when I told him the good news.


    I watch him all through the night. My eyes were on him like glue. At some point, he was enjoying the food but I never get him really enjoying himself. "You have been staring at me all night,'''' he raises a brow "Is there something on my face?''''


    I smile. "Can''t I just admire the most beautiful man in the room?'''' I am teasing him and he likes it when I do.


    "Get to the point. I know you have something to say, so why don''t you?''''


    I roll my eyes "When did you stop being romantic, what happened to you?''''


    He leans forward, shifting the plate in front of him. His eyes are bright again. They seem to always shine whenever I look at him. The glow has my heart thudding.


    "I am the most romantic motherfucker you have ever been with.'''' he retorts with an amused smile on his face.


    "Oh really."


    He grabs my hand under the table and pulls me forward "Think about it. Who has done the romantic shit out of us?''''


    He is being competitive right now. Trying to challenge me. I have a smile on my face because even though it is for just one second, I am a little glad that he isn''t thinking about the interview this morning. Even if it just a few words out of his mind, then I will distract him from it.


    "Okay, you are the most romantic one...HAPPY?''''


    He giggles and let''s go of my hand "I am stuffed. You don''t seem to be eating, what do you think about taking this home?'''' he asks me hopefully. As I said, he will do anything to get me home and naked. It''s not that I don''t want that but I have some good news for him and I need to tell him first.


    "You win, time for the surprise.''''


    He opens his eyes wide, the curiosity in the depths of his eyes "Tell me already,'''' He blurts out, showing off his impatience.


    "You have to take this with a grain of salt¡­okay?''''


    He nods.


    "I was talking to Adeline and we might have a job for you,'''' I tell him blatantly. There is no point sugarcoating it.


    This job didn''t just come about. I asked her to help me with it.


    I watch his expression to see how he is taking it. His face is blank. There is a shift from the smile that was there earlier.


    "Really?''''


    I nod, keeping my smile on "Her husband''s firm. The accounting department. He has a spot for you.''''


    "Really?'''' he repeats.


    I kinda expected excitement or at least some form of joy but right now, I don''t know if I like the look he has on. "Yeah. You can start on Monday. If you are interested. I put in a good word and Mike thinks you would be a good addition to the team.''''


    He nods "As an accountant?''''


    I nod.


    He stands up from the chair and I follow him immediately. I know he is pissed. I have been with him long enough to know when I have screwed up and it seems like I have now.


    Fuck.

 Chapter 187 - The Box Of Rings

    Jack.


    I was stupid to think that the only surprise he would have for me might be a proposal. I know I have mentioned it times without a number that I wasn''t interested in a wedding but a big part of me wanted a proposal. I wanted to go back on all I have said about weddings.


    I wanted him to propose but all he did was step on me, remind me that I am useless.


    "Wait," I don''t turn around as he grabs my arm to stop me from leaving. Now he wants to talk about the fact that he doesn''t even believe that I can get a fucking job on my own. He doesn''t think anything of me. He doesn''t believe in me one bit.


    "Look at me Jack, come on" he walks over to me but I shift my eyes from him. He is not going to act like he didn''t just stab me a million times right now. "I am sorry for whatever I did. Just talk to me.''''


    He doesn''t even know what he did.


    I guess the fact that I don''t even believe in myself is rubbing off on him. "I want to go home,'''' I tell him coldly. I don''t even want to talk about this night and the turn it took. We are in front of the restaurant. I don''t want to look at him because I know how he makes me weak in the knees, how easy it will be to forgive him right now.


    "Okay,'''' he agrees, letting go of me. I hear his footsteps as he walks to the parking lot. I don''t want to fight about this but I am very upset. I hate that he thinks he needs to help me get a job. Even with all the anger inside me, I walk behind him until we get to his car. He remains quiet as we drive home. The drive is awkward. I don''t like to stay in a fight with him for too long but I want him to realize what he has done. I don''t just want a half-ass apology. Once we get to the house, I turn to him and his eyes are red. He is overthinking as he usually does.


    "I am going to go inside," I don''t even wait for his response as I get down from the car and walk into the house. He planned this date in his mind and he didn''t even think about me for one second and how I have been feeling all day. He just thought about himself¡ªthis is just a play to make himself feel better. I walk into the front door and up to our room. I don''t know how long he stays in the car but the minute he walks into the room, I look at him for the first time since we left the restaurant.


    "We should talk about this,'''' he mutters, the guilt evident in his eyes.


    I am in front of the mirror in our room. Still dressed in the clothes he forced me to wear today. I didn''t want to go out. I wasn''t in the mood for this date but I did it for him and this is the way he repaid me. Dinner and an insult.


    I remain quiet because he has yet to apologize for what he did.


    "I am sorry,'''' this is the second apology he has given me today but I don''t know if this one is the right one.


    "What are you sorry for?'''' I ask him calmly.


    There is no need to show anger inside me. He knows that I am upset. We have been together for too long to not know these things about each other.


    "For butting in.''''


    I raise a brow. He continues "I shouldn''t have done that. Talked about your problems to Adina." He adds. The fact that he needed to ask for a favour in the first place is what bugs me. I know I haven''t had any progress on the job search but I don''t want things just handed to me. I want to be able to get a job on my own. I want to do these things on my own.


    "Is that all?'''' I ask him.


    He closes his eyes and for a second, I watch him. Even when I am upset with him, he is the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on. He is still dressed in his suit. I have never met anyone that makes a suit look chill like he does. It doesn''t even seem like he did too much to dress up but I was there. It took him about thirty minutes to pick an outfit.


    "I still can''t figure out why you are so upset. You know that EVERYTHING I do is because I fucking love you. We have gone beyond this, so I don''t understand this.'''' His eyes are open now and there is frustration in them.


    I don''t know what to say to him "Why don''t you just trust me for once.''''


    He furrows his brows and walks over to me slowly, his eyes never leaving mine "You think I don''t trust you?''''


    I nod.


    He sighs "All I do is trust you. I have trusted you for months. I know what you are capable of and just because things haven''t been going your way doesn''t mean you are not worth a lot."


    "Then why can''t you just let me handle this on my own?''''


    He shakes his head as he stops in front of me "Would you let me handle my shit on my own. When I had issues with my mother, did you let me handle it on my own?"


    "That is different, you,"¡ªhe cuts me off "There is nothing different about it. I see you struggling and as your partner, I have to do everything to help you. I have to be there for you."


    "You don''t have to beg people for a job for me.''''


    He frowns "You think I begged for the job?''''


    I nod.


    He sighs again "I just mentioned it. I told him to hire you only if he felt you were qualified enough and even though he wanted to hire you on the spot, I told him to give you a chance to do an interview and take a test. I didn''t just ask him for a fucking hand out."


    His words have me shocked. Makes me feel like shit for reacting the way I did. Maybe the fact that he didn''t propose. I didn''t actually think it was something I wanted.


    "I thought you were going to propose,'''' I mumble so low, looking away from him. I don''t want to see his face when he realizes that I am basic.


    Fuck I am basic.


    "Huh,'''' I hear him but I can''t look at him.


    He reaches for my face and pulls me up by my chin "Is that what you want? I thought you didn''t want the label?'''' he asks genuinely concerned.


    "I don''t know. I guess I do.'''' I manage, feeling like shit.


    A smile sprawls to his face. He likes my confession. Does he want to marry me too? Is it something I have deprived him of?


    "Do you know how long I have been waiting for this day?''''


    I actually didn''t know and it makes me feel like I don''t pay attention to him enough. Trick is the most considerate person I have met. In a situation where he has to choose between me and himself. He would choose me. He didn''t ask me to marry him because I warded him off marriage completely.


    "This is all my fault. I kept you from something you wanted,'''' I go on to blame myself now.


    He smiles warmly "I only want what you want. I want you to be happy.'''' He confesses and my heart melts at his words.


    "I want to call you my husband. Is that possible?''''


    He nods immediately and before I know what is happening, his lips are on mine hungrily. We keep kissing for a couple of seconds. Our bodies press together, there is some form of desperation in our actions, which usually happens every time we fight. Our makeup is always with so many cravings and emotions.


    He pulls back from the kiss and slowly detaches from me "I want to show you something,'''' he grabs my hand and leads me into the closet in our room. I follow him and watch him as he goes to his side and opens up one of the cupboards. He pulls out a ledge and I see that there is another compartment that I have never noticed before.


    "What is that?'''' I ask him very curious.


    He leans forward and pulls out a box from it. My heart races in my chest as I watch him "I thought about marrying you for so long that every time I thought about it, I would buy a ring." He opens the box and I see the rings. A lot of rings that I can''t count.


    Holy shit.

 Chapter 188 - Ours

    Lance.


    We walk into the house and Ford has a goofy smile on his face. I have been excited all through the drive. His name is Arlo. He lost his mother to drug addiction. There isn''t a lot on his file. He was found as a baby, so he never really knew his mother. He has lived in foster homes all his life. I guess he doesn''t know anything but the homes he has had to live in.


    I asked Char why we couldn''t just adopt him instantly. It is not like he has a family that would want to claim him. She said this was just a test to see how we handle him. I guess they want to make sure he is not put in a terrible situation. I close the door and I see him flinch as he walks into the house. You have to imagine it. This cute tiny boy, terrified of a closed door. I go on my knee and he looks at me. He still doesn''t know me, hell he doesn''t even trust me. I am a stranger that took him away from his home. I want him to think of our home as his but I know it will take time. It is not like I expect immediate comfort.


    I will make him feel at home. I will make sure he trusts me.


    "So, Arlo, I want to welcome you to the family officially,'''' I smile at him. The first step to making him feel at home is always giving him smiles every day.


    He watches me with so much uncertainty. I know how he is feeling. We are basically strangers to him. it will take a while for him to even understand what this is.


    "Come on,'''' I stretch my hand out to him and he looks at it with hesitation before he finally takes it in his. I lead him up the stairs and into the bedroom we cleared out for him. There is just a small bed that I bought last minute for him. "This is your room,'''' I tell him as I close the door behind me. Ford is next to me but I guess he is giving me the reigns on this.


    "Mine?'''' he manages calmly.


    I nod.


    He walks over to the bed and I let him go. There has been this goofy smile on my face all day. My heart has been racing with so much excitement. I don''t know if I will be good at this. I don''t know if I will suck but I want to try my best for him.


    The bed is a tiny car bed. It is red, I didn''t know what he would like. I didn''t know if red is his favorite color. At some point, I was panicking because I want to make this perfect but Ford eas the calm to my storm. He told me that there is no need to panic. We will get to know him and all the things he likes. We have the rest of our life with him.


    I watch him as he sits on the bed, almost like he is feeling it. getting acclimated with it. I don''t know if he likes it because he hasn''t smiled since I met him. I don''t know how I could possibly make him smile. I don''t know the things that will make him happy.


    "do you like it?'''' I ask him with a held breath. If he doesn''t like it, I will go back to the store and get another one. I will do anything for this kid.


    He nods his head as he runs his hand over the sheets. His expression is still blank as he looks at me, there is a shine in his eyes. He doesn''t want to show his excitement but I see it, I feel it as he answers me "I like it.''''


    My heart melts in my chest as my eyes dart to ford. He is smiling warmly. He feels the exact same way as I do. "Is this my new home?'''' Arlo asks me meekly. My eyes shift back to him and I walk over to the bed "Yes Arlo, we are your new dads,'''' I tell him as I go on my knees to be on eye level with him.


    "Two dads?'''' he mutters confused.


    I don''t know how aware he is but it seems like this is something that is weird to him. "Yes," I tell him with that same smile on my face. The one that tells him that he can trust me. he has nothing to worry about. I will always be here for him.


    "Do I have a mommy?'''' he breathes out. His voice shaking.


    "No, you don''t and that''s fine. We will be all that you need and more. We will protect you to the point that you wouldn''t feel like you missed out on a mom.''''


    He is watching us and with my explanation, I hope that he understands what I mean. Adopting a child as a gay couple can be difficult. There is the question of not having maternal instincts. Not being able to take care of the child the same way a woman would. I want to prove that we can do it the same way a woman would. I want to make sure I don''t fail him in any way.


    "Okay,'''' he manages and that answer is all I need to know that he will give this a chance. That he is ready to be in this family. No one is ever going to take him from me. he is mine and I will love him until my dying day.


    After settling him into the room, I put on the tv for him and we both walk out of the room with goofy smiles on our faces "He is ours,'''' Ford mutters with this dreamy expression on his face.


    I giggle with all the excitement bubbling inside me and grab him in my arms in the middle of the hallway. Everything happened so fast, we haven''t even told his dad and my mom. When we mentioned adopting a child. They were in support of it. anything that would make us happy. Right now, I am the happiest I have ever been and it has just been a couple of hours. He pushes me to the wall and I smile as I look into his eyes. They are bright and very engulfing.


    "We have a son,'''' he exclaims.


    I nod.


    "Our son,'''' he adds.


    I nod again.


    His lips smash into mine and I welcome him wholeheartedly. We kiss and it almost seems like a silent promise.


    He is ours.

 Chapter 189 - Double Proposal

    Patrick.


    I guess the jig is up.


    I couldn''t hide it anymore knowing that I was hurting him. jack is very open about everything. I know every little detail. Things that I might not even need to know. Something as simple as what he ate for breakfast and the fact that he didn''t tell me how he felt about the whole marriage situation, just makes me know how much he has been battling with it.


    I don''t. know how long he has wanted this. I didn''t even know it was on his mind. He has always been nonchalant about labels. He never even had to come out. Like he doesn''t even like identifying himself as gay. He is very strict about things like that.


    Marriage was a joke to him.


    One that he diene even want to talk about with me.


    Knowing that he has been thinking about it for some time now just makes me upset with myself. I have always prided myself on always knowing what he is thinking. Now I am not so sure about that anymore. makes me feel like there are things he has been keeping from me. things that might have been bothering him all this while. I don''t know how else I can prove to him that I will always be on his side with no judgment.


    "Which one should I pick?'''' he asks me with a smile on his face. His fingers roam around the rings in the box. He hasn''t even looked at me since he saw that box of diamonds. I spent a lot of money on those rings that I thought he would never see. For so long, I have been thinking about it. I have been wishing and hoping he would change his mind. I don''t know how I feel about it now.


    "They are all yours,'''' I tell him with a smile on my face. I thought he would freak out when he saw the box. There are a total of thirty rings in that box. Thirty times, I would walk into a jewelry store and buy a different ring. Some are plain, some have big diamonds.


    He looks at me for the first time and there are tears in his eyes. He is trying to control himself. he doesn''t want to cry but he also knows that he can cry in front of me.


    "I am such an idiot,'''' he mumbles so low and I watch him as he looks at the rings again. This time picking one of them. The one he picks is gold, plain with tiny diamonds encrusted in them. I watch him as he drops the box and faces me again. Tears are still falling from his face but I am so scared to reach out. I don''t know what is happening. Things are changing so fast and I don''t want to be too excited. I don''t want to freak him out.


    "I know this is not the way It should have been done and I know it is stupid to give you back your own ring but I need to do this,'''' he rambles on. I don''t even know what he is talking about but my heart is racing fast in my chest. I watch him in silence as he gets down on one knee and his eyes stay up at me. there are still tears in his eyes. He is crying but there is a nervous smile on his face.


    I know what he is about to do.


    So many times, I have dreamt of this moment. I always thought I would be the one to eventually propose. I always practiced it in my head. The way I would tell him how much I love him. how I would ask him to be mine.


    "I don''t know how this works. Fuck, I don''t even know what to say," he wipes his face with his free eyes. The more he wipes, the more tears fall. I smile because this is the best thing I have seen. Jack is the cutest person I have ever had the privilege of being with. He likes to act macho and all manly but he is a teddy bear that I just want to cuddle with and squeeze.


    I watch him completely enjoying every bit of this. for the rest of my life, I will remember this night. It wasn''t planned. He didn''t even buy a ring but this is everything. he is everything to me.


    "I love you so much Trick. I love you when I wake up, I love you even in my dreams. Meeting you was my end game. There was no one else and even though I make you upset, I push you to your limits, you always stay by my side. You tolerate me and give me back the love ten times. How do I even put how much I love you into words?'''' he grabs my hands in his and I feel him squeeze them for support.


    "I made you miss out on this because of my selfishness. You wanted to marry me and I took that from you. I fucking controlled the situation and then got mad when you didn''t propose." He pauses and then looks away from me.


    "Fuck, I am losing track. This is a shitty proposal."


    I know Jack and he is beating himself up again. I grab one of the rings from the box and go on my knees too. He looks back at me with confusion on his face. I look into his eyes and for a second, they suck me into his orbit. I don''t even have to say words. we have this unspoken bond, that no one else will understand.


    No one else needs to understand.


    It is for us and us alone.


    "What are you doing?'''' he asks me stuttering.


    I smile "Why don''t we do this together?''''


    He furrows his brows "I have to be the one to ask you. it has to come from me,'''' he cries. I let go of his hand and reach for his face, slowly wiping the tears from it.


    "You don''t have to do this alone. You never have to do anything alone." I tell him. he needs to understand that we are in a relationship. Whatever happens, we face it together.


    "Jack, the love of my life. The light in my eyes, will you marry me?'''' I ask him with a smile on my face. His eyes are wide. He is trying to stop crying but it is not working. I love that I make him feel this way. I love him so much.


    He nods his head slowly. No words leave his lips but I know his answer. I grab his hand again and slowly slide the ring into his finger. His hands are shaking, but it fits perfectly.


    "Your turn,'''' I tell him but his eyes are stuck on the ring on his finger. This ring was the first one I bought. The day I realized that I wanted him to be my husband. It would always be the most memorable one out of the bunch. The one that showed me my true feelings.


    "Please be mine,'''' he breathes out. It seems like that was the easiest way for him to say it and it is okay with me.


    "I have always been yours,'''' I tell him as he slides the ring into my finger. The moment our lips press together, I feel an overwhelming sensation in my chest.


    I feel content with the world.


    Happy.

 Chapter 190 - Our Bright Future

    Jack.


    Proposal sex is the best sex I have ever had. Can I even call it that? I don''t know if there is anything like that. Tonight is the most emotional I have ever felt since I got with Trick and he is not even helping matters. He is being extra sweet. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had.


    "More,'''' I cry as I clutch unto him. he thrusts into me harder and I see stars as I look at him. sex hasn''t ever been this intense. We started this night with a fight and now we are naked on our bed, sweating and panting like today is our last night on earth. He pushes into me and I close my eyes because the intensity of this is more than I can take. I am in shambles right now. my heart is beating a mile a minute. I have never felt this way before. There are excitement, joy, and too much love that it feels like I am having a heart attack. His eyes never leave mine. I clutch unto him tightly, never wanting to let go of this moment. Never wanting to let go of the way I feel in his arms right now. it is all I have ever wanted. How do you even know you want something until it finally happens to you?


    He proposed to me. I didn''t even want to get married. It was not something that was in my books until I knew that I might never have it. suddenly it became all I wanted. It became important.


    I don''t know what else I might have said I didn''t want, that I might end up wanting but I have the rest of my life to figure it out. The rest of my life with Trick sounds like a dream. I can''t wait to see him old and grey. I can''t wait to see that smile on his face when he is old. The future has never looked brighter than tonight.


    "I love you so much,'''' he breathes out in between breaths. I open my eyes and he is looking down at me as he moves. It is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. I am happy, so happy and he is to blame.


    "I love you too.''''


    ********************


    "About the job,'''' I breathe out in his arms. I don''t know how many times we had sex but it is already very late. We should be asleep but every time I try to close my eyes in his arms, I glance at the ring and can''t.


    "I am sorry. I will tell Adina that it''s not happening. I will never do anything like that again. I am sure you can do this on your own." He rambles. He doesn''t want to upset me any further and thinking about it now, I don''t even know why I was upset in the first place. the fact that he keeps thinking about me just shows me how much he loves me.


    Maybe I am just in a love bubble where anger and frustration aren''t allowed.


    "I will go for the interview,'''' I manage because this is as important to me as it is to him. he opens his eyes wide¡ªprobably shocked at my response.


    "You don''t have to Baby; I don''t want you to do anything you''re not comfortable with. This seems like a bad idea,'''' he manages, the skepticism clear in his voice.


    "I want to, I am tired of sitting at home and waiting for something to happen. Maybe this is just fate. I mean I will take the interview and I have to be judged fairly. If I am not qualified, then I don''t want the job.''''


    He sits up on the bed and I rest my face on his chest, not wanting any distance from him. I want to stay glued to him until he gets sick and tired of me. I know that will never happen. The obsession I have for him is mutual.


    "Are you sure about this? You were pretty upset earlier,'''' he reminds me of my outbursts. I have regrets about our date. No matter what happens between us. I don''t want to ever get that upset with him again. He didn''t even do anything and I ruined the date for him¡ªespecially knowing that he was really excited about it.


    "I am sorry about earlier. I was a douche,'''' I apologize, knowing full well that I should have apologized since.


    He shakes his head "You were honest. There is a difference. I don''t want to interfere with your job search because I know you can do it on your own. I don''t want to ever make you feel like you are less than. I made a mistake tonight. I should have talked to you before I talked to Adina. I didn''t mean to go behind your back."


    He is right about one thing. He actually should have talked to me first but I know Trick. He wanted to help. He wanted it to be a surprise and even though it backfired. I appreciate him more than he will ever know.


    "I want to try for the job. I want to help in contributing. We are getting married. Weddings are expensive.''''


    A slow smile sprawls to his face at the mention of a wedding "Oh, we most definitely are. He rests his back on the pillow and we both look at the ceiling "What kind of wedding do you want?'''' he adds in question.


    I close my eyes, already picturing walking down the aisle to him. I don''t even know how that will work but I want it all.


    "A small one. We don''t really have a lot of friends and we have to think about money,'''' I tell him.


    He nods "If it is about money. I can handle it all. I want to give you the world and if you want the biggest wedding ever. I will do that.''''


    "It''s not about the money,'''' I tell him, completely detaching from him. I climb unto him and he smiles as he grabs my waist "I want to focus on you on that day. If there are too many people, there will be too many distractions.''''


    I lean forward, pressing my lips to his and he moans into the kiss, completely ready for our future.

 Chapter 191 - The Labelled Crew

    Jack


    The next morning, I wake up and the first thing I look at is the ring on my finger. A goofy smile sprawls to my face as I remember last night. I don''t know what time we finally closed our eyes. I felt like I could stay up all night in his arms. We talked about the wedding, talked about starting this new chapter in our lives.


    I have never been more excited about anything in my life.


    I stretch my hands out and he is not on the bed anymore. turning slowly, I look out the window. The sun is out and shining bright, my heart is beating to the beautiful tune of Trick¡ªeverything seems right with the world. my phone rings loudly on the bedside table. I reach for it and see a call from Lance.


    The second I press the phone into my ear, he screams loudly "You fucking got engaged?'''' he yells into the phone.


    I sit up on the bed and rest my back on the headboard "It''s so early dude,'''' I rub the sleep out of my eyes but there is still a goofy smile on my face.


    "It is eleven in the morning, how is it still early?''''


    I look at the clock on the wall and sure enough, it is almost noon "Holy shit, I slept through the rest of the night,'''' I mutter quietly.


    "Stop evading my question, I thought you weren''t interested in getting married.''''


    Yeah, I wasn''t until it didn''t happen.


    "well turns out I am.''''


    I can almost see him rolling his eyes "Just so you know, you are a hypocrite,'''' he insults me but I don''t take it personally because it is Lance. We have this relationship where words don''t mean anything. I have said way worse to him and it is not like he is not right. I am one. I pretended to be too good for that and then I begged for it.


    "I know,'''' I agree with him.


    "Tell me how and why it happened. The ring on your finger is fucking huge. How can Patrick afford it.''''


    I smile as I look at the ring again. I don''t tell him about all the other rings in the closet. I don''t tell him because it is between me and my fianc¨¦. Shit, I sound so corny right now.


    "How did you see the ring and why do you know so soon?''''


    He laughs "You are all over Instagram just so you know.''''


    I put the phone on speaker and open my Instagram app. The picture is the first thing on my feed. Just my hand, nothing else but the finger and my ring. He posted it a couple of hours ago "You know, you are so jobless. How do you have time to stalk my fianc¨¦?''''


    He laughs again. this time a lot louder "You sound so boujee right now. Fianc¨¦,'''' he imitates me teasingly. I don''t even take offense to his mockery because I am the happiest, I have ever been in my whole life.


    "You are not going to get me off this high horse I am on now. so, give up already,'''' I advise him.


    "When is the wedding?'''' he asks.


    "I don''t know. We haven''t really discussed a lot but it''s going to be something small.'''' I tell him with a smile on my face. The room door opens and Trick walks in. he is dressed in a pair of shorts¡ªmine to be exact and a white undershirt. He is holding a tray.


    Breakfast in bed.


    He is really taking on this romantic guy by the bag. My smile widens and I completely forget that Lance is on the phone "We are not having a small wedding,'''' I hear him as he distracts me from my eye candy.


    The way he says we, makes me think that he thinks this wedding is between the three of us. Trick walks over to the bed and stands in front of me with the tray.


    "Good morning,'''' he mouths the words as he plants a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes as Lance''s voice butts in my moment.


    "Hello,'''' he shouts.


    "Hi, Lance,'''' Trick answers for me.


    My eyes never leave him. "How is the new member of the family?'''' he asks and I remember the kid he is fostering.


    "Hey Patrick, I hear you finally grew some balls.''''


    Trick laughs "Yeah, it took a while but I did it,'''' he laughs as I remove the phone from the speaker "We gotta go, dude,'''' I tell him.


    He laughs into the phone "Congrats on joining the labeled crew,'''' he mutters as he ends the call. The second the phone is back on the table, Trick climbs the bed and pulls me into his arms. He is on top of me as I grab his waist to steady him.


    "Hey fianc¨¦,'''' he mutters dreamily. I lean forward until my head is resting on his forehead.


    "Is that ever going to get old,'''' I ask him with a smile on my face.


    He shakes his head "Until I get to call you husband,'''' he tells me and I have to tell you my heart leaps out of my chest with those words. Trick has always had a way with words. he always knew the right things to say.


    I kiss him without a care in the world.


    I love him with my whole heart.


    ************************


    "You got this,'''' trick tells me through the phone. I am in front of Adina''s husband''s firm. He stayed with me on the phone all through the drive. I know this is as much a big deal to him as it is to me. I don''t want to fail at yet another job interview and I also don''t want to be given the job based on nepotism. I want this to be because I earned it and Trick has promised me that they wouldn''t give me the job if they feel like I didn''t earn it.


    "Yeah, just a lot nervous." I manage with sweaty palms.


    He smiles at the phone. Seeing his face on this video call somehow makes me feel better "I want you to go in there and take them all by a storm. Show them how amazing you are,'''' he blows a kiss into the phone, and with his words of encouragement, I walk into the building, dressed in my suit and tie.


    The second I close the door, I bump into someone carrying a bunch of stuff and this sends all the papers flying everywhere.


    Just my luck.


    I bend down to help them pick up the files "I am so sorry,'''' I tell the person, still haven''t seen his face.


    "It''s okay, I shouldn''t have been running," he assures me with a smile. We both stand up and he adjusts his suit "I am late for a meeting. Gotta go,'''' he says as he leaves me.


    I take a deep breath as I look at where I am going until I get to the receptionist.


    "You got this,'''' I murmur Trick''s words of encouragement.


    I got this.

 Chapter 192 - HR

    Jack.


    "Thank you so much for this opportunity,'''' I stretch my hand forward and he takes my hand in his. this is Adina''s husband, Patrick''s best friend and colleague. They have known each other even longer than he knew me and Adina is the one that helped him through his tough time. Now that things are steady for him, I guess she is helping me too.


    "This was all you buddy. You will be a great addition to the team,'' he shakes my hand and my heart lunges at this. I did the test and the interview and I will never really know if this was all me, because I was just told that I passed the interview but I will always be grateful to Trick for giving me this opportunity. I just have to prove to them that I can do this. I just have to show them that I am capable. I am the only one that doesn''t seem to think so. After going for so many job interviews and coming out with nothing. I have kind of put it in my head that I will never amount to anything. There is this anxiety that takes over. This is not me¡ªit is all my insecurities taking over and it seems like there is nothing I can do.


    "Thank you so much for this Michael,'''' I tell him as he lets go of my hand. We are in his office. Michael looks to be in his late forties. His hair is dark black with highlights of grey hair. His face is strong with a sharp jaw, he is very handsome.


    "So, when do you want to start? You will need to have a meeting with HR. Talk about the things you need to do, but if you want to start right away, get used to things. I can move some things around for you,'''' there is a warm smile on his face. he is doing this because we are basically family. I have spent so many holidays in his house. He is like this big brother that I had the moment I started things with Patrick. I know there is a little nepotism in this but I will take this over staying at home for now.


    "Why don''t I do things the right way?''''


    He nods "Okay, let me call for someone to take you over to HR.''''


    He picks up the intercom and dials a number "Come into my office,'''' he speaks into the phone and then drops it without another word. "Tell Patrick that we need to have dinner soon,'''' he tells me just as the woman at the reception in front of his office walks into the room. She is dressed in a black tight skirt and a plain white blouse. Her heels are about six inches. One of the many courageous things about women. I could never pull of walking in those things.


    "You called?''''


    "Please take him to Gill''s office. Tell him that he is the new addition to the accounting department.''''


    I stand up from the chair and Mike walks over to me. "Don''t forget that dinner,'''' he slaps my back gently and I walk out of the door with the lady.


    "So, it''s safe to say you got the job?'''' she asks with a smile on her face "I am Olivia,'''' she stops walking and I take her hand in mine. She is being friendly and God knows I need friends in this place. I need to know the nooks and cranny and if she can help me, then why not.


    "Nice to meet you?'''' I tell her as we keep walking down the hall. From our walk, I see transparent glass offices, with people inside. I can''t really tell which one is mine but they all look pretty busy to me. There is this excitement that lurches out in the pits of my stomach. I want to be like these people. I want to have a purpose. Waking up every morning for the last couple of months, I have had this empty feeling inside. Confused, and unsure of what to do with my life. I have been jealous of my boyfriend and my best friend. They all seemed to have their shits together. I didn''t want it to get to me but no matter how hard I tried. I couldn''t get the feeling out of me.


    "Do you know Michael Ross by any chance?'''' she asks me as we walk into a corner and reach the elevator.


    She is fishing for information but she doesn''t seem like a bad person. Not that I can tell just by looking for her but I don''t think there is a big deal in saying I know the man "Yes I do.'''' I shrug like it is not a big deal.


    She smiles as we get into the Elevator "I have never seen him smile at anyone at this office. It was refreshing to see that expression with you,'''' she sighs and now I can tell that she is kinda afraid of him.


    "He is not a bad guy.''''


    She raises her hands up and shakes her head "Oh, he is the best boss anyone can ask for, but he is so strict and professional, sometimes, it is nice to see the softer side of a person.''''


    I have never seen Michael as strict. It is good to know that there are different sides to the man. I always thought he was just a love-struck husband. He would do anything for Adina and by anything¡ªI mean anything.


    She presses the button to the fourth floor and we get there in less than a minute "So when do you start. I have a feeling we would get along so well,'''' she bats her lashes at me. It almost seems like she is flirting. Or maybe this is her just trying to be friendly.


    "I don''t know, I am supposed to have a chat with Gill. He will let me know the details,'''' I inform her. She nods and we get down from the elevator.


    "Here we are,'''' she stops in front of the door labelled Human Resources and we both walk into the office at the same time.


    There is a man seated in front of a computer and I recognize him immediately he looks up at us. A smile slowly forms on his face and a flash of recognition. It is the man from earlier. The one I bumped into at the reception downstairs.


    "It''s you." he blurts not even putting to mind that we are not alone. The way he says it, sends a little bit of confusion to me.


    He seems genuinely excited that I am in front of him.


    I don''t know what to take of that.

 Chapter 193 - Fufillment

    Jack


    "I''ll leave you to it,'''' Olivia mutters obviously sensing the awkwardness at this. Gill''s smile even widens as she walks to the door "Come by my desk later, we can exchange numbers," she waves before walking out. My eyes linger on the door longer than they should.


    "So you''re the new hotshot that Mike couldn''t stop talking about,'''' he finally breaks the ice with a conversation. I turn back to him slowly and he smiles even wider. At this point, it looks like he will rip his mouth apart if he continues smiling.


    I walk over to the front of his desk "Please have a seat,'''' he ushers for me. I oblige. Just knowing that Mike has been talking about me is already too much pressure. I am not a hotshot like they think I am. I am a man that barely has his shit together.


    "I don''t know about Hotshot but you got the new part right,'''' I tell him as I sit down in front of him.


    "I am sorry for bumping into you earlier,'''' he apologizes even though that is not necessary. I wave my hand in the air.


    "You don''t have to apologize, we should both pay attention to where we''re going next time,'''' I manage a faint smile.


    This gets a laugh out of him, even though I have not said anything funny. "So your name is Jack Brick?'''' he asks me as he reaches for a file and then looks up at me. I nod immediately. "Good to know. Michael called me before you came, so you need to complete this form. And get us, two guarantors that can vouch for you,'''' he slides a personal information form to me and two other forms. "You will also need to go to one of our hospitals for a full body checkup.'''' He informs me.


    "Okay.''''


    He smiles "There is really nothing to it and I am sure you everything will be quick and easy,'''' he assures me, probably sensing the doubt.


    "Thank you so much,'''' I tell him as I put the documents into my bag. I clean the sweat off my palms because I am so nervous, even though I already know that I have the job. My anxiety is kicking in. all the worry and fear that something will happen and mess up this opportunity for me. I want to start pulling my weight. I want to contribute to my family and this is the first step in doing so.


    "Are you thanking me for bumping into you earlier? Cause I haven''t done anything but give you a couple of forms," he winks and this adds more to the awkwardness that was already looming over us. I don''t know if he is flirting and maybe I am stupid to think that everyone here is flirting with me like I did earlier with Olivia but this time, it actually seems like Gill is. It is weird because this should be inappropriate for him. He is the head of Hr. this should be against his work ethics¡­right?


    I am probably thinking too much about this. It is not a big deal. He stands up and walks me to his door "Nice meeting you again Jack,'''' he shakes my hand again as he walks me out of his office. "Do you know the way out of here?"


    I nod.


    ''''I have your information, so I will send you an email with the details of what to do next." He smiles at me, holding the door. The way he is lingering is confusing but I brush it off like I have been doing all day. I don''t want to read into meanings. He is being friendly, maybe everyone here is friendly and that is not a bad thing. It will help me get acclimated. That is all I need. I walk out of the office and he shuts the door quietly. I go straight to the elevator and grab my phone out of my jacket pocket.


    There is a missed call from Trick. He is probably worrying and overthinking. It is all thanks to me, I mean, I made him think I was falling apart¡ªokay, yeah, I was falling apart and he just wants something stable for me.


    Once I get out of the elevator, I dial his number and he answers on the first ring "Tell me it went well,'''' he blurts into the phone.


    I smile into the phone as I walk over to the receptionist on the ground floor. Unlike Olivia, it is almost like this one has a permanent smile on her face. I walk out of the building "It went well,'''' I breathe out for the first time today. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I feel the pure bliss of it all.


    "Are we celebrating this or do you just want a night in?'''' he asks, almost like he is walking on eggshells right now. Things between us are great, in fact they have never been greater but I also know that until I settle in. that feeling of worry and anxiety will always be there.


    "Can I stop by the gallery?'''' I ask him.


    "Right now?''''


    "Yeah,''''


    He takes a second and then answers "Sure, Adina is here too,'''' he notifies me calmly. I know he knows that I want to see her. She played a part in this and I want to thank her for her help. Adina has always been someone I got along with. I never really butted in on their time, she is his friend, so I always let him have his Adina time, just like he would with Lance.


    I get into my car "Have you had lunch, I am starving,'''' I ask him.


    He laughs into the phone "Should I get something for you before you get here?''''


    "No, I want to feed you today,'''' I smile already feeling happy that I will get to see him earlier than usual. I start the car.


    "Okay. Why don''t you surprise me.''''


    I know all the things that he likes, so that will be easy.


    "You got it, fianc¨¦,'''' I tell him as I end the call. My phone beeps and I get an email from Gill, with the details and location of the hospital.. I smile because, for the first time in a long time, I feel fulfilled.

 Chapter 194 - Mine

    Jack


    I park my car in front of the Gallery and a smile sprawls to my face. I am still dressed in the same clothes I had on for the interview. Everything happened so fast and I don''t plan on even going home to change. I texted Lance about the job and he hasn''t stopped blowing off my phone. I know he was also worried about me. He is really the only one that I actually talked to about my fears. I told him about how useless I felt. He knew about all the insecurities that I didn''t want to show to Trick. I didn''t want him to know that I was weak¡ªeven though I am pretty sure that he could tell.


    I am not the best at hiding things. I am like an open book, if I am feeling some type of way, you would be able to see it on my face. I can''t smile and act like everything is okay when I am dying on the inside. I am so sure that Trick knew it all. He could feel my pain but he didn''t rub it in. He didn''t force me to talk about my fears and worries and that is why I love him so much.


    My phone rings for the tenth time since I started driving to the gallery and this time, I answer it. "Yo, how long is a fucking interview?'''' he shouts into the phone that I have to remove the phone from my ears before he bursts my eardrums with his screams.


    "Hello to you too,'''' I reply to him calmly.


    I am on cloud nine right now. The bliss I feel is a lot more than I ever thought I would. I like the space I am at. I love it so much and I haven''t even started the job "How was it?'''' he asks the question that everybody wants to know. I have had about fifteen interviews just this month. This question is not new to me. Lance has asked me this same question numerous times and I have always given him the same answer but this time, I have the right answer.


    "I got the job,'''' I tell him with all the excitement bursting into me.


    He screams into the phone and I take it off my ear completely and put it on speaker on the console of my car. This conversation is not going to get any quieter, I might as well just take him off my ears "We need to celebrate. A night out, just you and me. When do you start?''''


    "I don''t know yet. I am supposed to do some tests and shit. Should have it all covered by tomorrow.''''''


    "Great, I am picking you up tonight,'''' he finalizes. Not even asking me if I will be available. I guess I have always been available for Lance. He is the one person apart from Trick that I can always count on.


    "What about your kid?''''


    I can''t believe that I am associating the word kid with Lance. I can swear that sometimes, Lance still acts like a baby. Now he has a child in his custody. Granted, he has Ford. That man is the most stable person I have ever met. He is the calm to Lance''s storm. I still find it hard to believe that he is the bipolar one. He has handled his disorder so well that when I think about the past, I am happy that he has come this far.


    "My baby will handle that, you can''t say no. we haven''t had a bros night in months. You have become such a shut-in.''''


    Yeah, it''s not going to change. Once work starts, I am going to give it my all. I am going to dive into it, head first. "Whatever, you are allowed to pick me up,'''' I tell him just as a hand knocks on the window of my car. I look up and Trick peers down with a smile on his face.


    I roll the windows down "Hey,'''' I return his smile. My heart is racing right now. My man is in front of me and all I want to do is pull him closer and swarm him with a million kisses. He grabs the handle of the door and opens it. I don''t know what he is attempting until he is inside the car, squeezing against me "This seemed sexier in my head,'''' he groans and I grab his waist as I shift the chair backwards, giving us more leg space.


    "You are sexy,'''' I mutter with this stupid smile still on my face.


    He rests his head on my forehead "It is still bright outside but there is no one around,'''' he mumbles to himself. I can feel him against me and I know he is going to need to calm himself down before we get out of the car "You know you can kiss me, even with people around.''''


    Trick is not one for public display of affection but I am the kind of person that doesn''t care. As long as my heart keeps beating for him, I will always flaunt him to the world with no shame. I will always show him that he is the only one I have my eyes on. There will be no one else as long as he is in my life.


    He turns away from me and to the window, he is probably looking around to see if there is anyone. His eyes find their way back to me and that smile on his face tugs at my heartstrings, completely devouring me in this moment. Slowly, he leans forward until his lips are on mine and I close my eyes, ready to enjoy all of him. I did come here with the intentions to have sex but I am so grateful for him and that usually turns to something more intimate. I pull him even closer as he moans into my mouth. The same reaction I get every time I kiss him.


    The love of my life.


    The man that will always be mine.

 Chapter 195 - Office Sex

    Jack


    I spend about an hour with Trick in the gallery.  I am still floating on a cloud right now, at the end of everything, I didn''t expect that getting a job would bring me this much joy. I am happy and the only person that knows how I really feel is Trick. The person that is responsible for my happiness.


    "I need to go home and freshen up,'''' I tell him as I take a bite of the last chicken on my plate. We are in his office at the gallery. He has a goofy smile on his face, I notice that he hasn''t even eaten anything off his plate "Not hungry?'''' I ask him.


    He raises a brow "Hungry for something else,'''' he winks, and my heart races from that slight sexiness.


    I know what he is talking about. My baby is a beast and I love it when he can''t hide how much he wants me.


    "Oh really?''''


    He nods and I watch him as he pushes the swivel chair closer to me. the walls of his office are glass. Anyone passing by can see us but he doesn''t seem to care "Why do you always have this much energy in public places?'''' I ask him. he grins and leans until his lips are pressed on the crook of my neck.


    "It''s not my fault that you are all suited up and sexy. I blame you." he bites my neck and I shiver from the pleasure that I know is about to come. I am one for public sex. I mean this is not the first time that this would happen in a public place but this is his place of work. I don''t think it is a good idea.


    I tilt my head backward as he starts to suck on my neck. His touch is electric as he tries to pull me closer to him "Hey, we are at your work. I don''t think this is a good idea." I have a little self-control left. I want to try and see if I can talk some sense to him.


    "and?'''' he bites even harder and I am so sure he is trying to leave a mark.


    "The walls are transparent. Anyone walking by will see this." I manage as my breathing spikes up.


    He pulls away from me with a mischievous smile "No one is going to pass by. My office is at the end of the hall. You already know that, so why are you fighting this?'''' there is a smirk on his face. he is enjoying this a little too much.


    "The door is open; anyone could walk in.'''' I try again. I know I am being the annoying one right now. he huffs loudly and stands up from the chair, I watch him as he clicks the lock and then turns to me "Locked now, is there any other excuse you can use?'''' there is a smile on his face even though I can tell my dismissal is frustrating him. I stand up from the chair and walk over to him.


    "Do you mind if anyone sees us?'''' I ask.


    He rolls his eyes "no one is going to see us." I grab him by his waist and the gleam comes back to his eyes in excitement. I have never been able to say no to him. I lean forward and my lips are on his hungrily. He smiles into the kiss as I feel his tongue slide into mine. he pushes me to the wall and I grab onto his shirt, wanting it off. he pushes into me and I feel his dick, hard and ready for me. a smile sprawls onto my face as he takes off my jacket in between kisses. My eyes are closed as he succeeds in taking off my shirt and then my pants. the only thing I have left is my boxers and he is still fully clothed. I reach for the button of his shirt and he melts into me, completely, engrossed at this moment.


    Our lips are still pressed together and now we are both naked. He grabs my arms and turns me around. I open my eyes, completely not expecting to be detached from his lips. his smile widens as I reach for a kiss again "Someone is excited,'''' he grabs my dick and I moan out from the pleasure.


    He starts to stroke me as I try to stay on my feet. My knees buckle from all the pleasure but he is fast to grab me by my waist with his free hand. I feel his dick as it presses to my entrance. He is taking charge. Just the way I like it.


    "More,'''' he asks me as his tip enters me gently. I nod immediately because I want him to fill me up. I want to feel everything at this moment. The joy I felt earlier can never be compared to this moment with him.


    "More,'''' I grab his neck and he kisses me with as much hunger as before. We melt into one as he pushes into me deeper. My legs tremble, my hands shake and shudder from all the chills. My lips quiver as he goes harder and faster. I try to control the sounds that escape my lips but no matter how much in control I think I am, my moans come out in screams as I feel myself close to the edge.


    "Don''t stop,'''' I beg him as he does the exact thing, I wanted him to. He moves in sync with me as I the second I feel him release into me; I spill my seed all over his walls.


    "Fuck,'''' he grunts in ecstasy. I stay in his arms for a couple of minutes, in a daze. Still clouded by the lust in the air. He chuckles into my ear, still breathing heavily. I part my eyelids open and he is smiling at me.


    I furrow my brows "What is funny?''''


    His laughs get louder "There is no lock on my door.''''


    At first, I am shocked but a smile finds its way to my lips and we are both laughing because someone could have walked in.


    No regrets.

 Chapter 196 - Gay Club

    Jack


    "I wish you didn''t have to go out tonight,'''' Trick pulls me into his arms, resting his head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around his waist and he breathes softly into my ear "Stay with me, let us celebrate the new job together."


    I know he is just being clingy. I spent the rest of my day after the interview with him. we came home together. I promised to spend the night with Lance and Lance never takes no for an answer.


    "You know I can''t. Lance will kill me."


    Lance is still the same person he was ten years ago. He always has to have things his way and there is no way Trick can convince him to let me stay at home. I actually want to go out. it has been a while since I went out and once work starts¡ªI won''t have the time.


    The excitement from the prospect makes me smile.


    "Fine, I will just watch love island alone. Thanks very much,'''' he groans and jumps on the bed, grabbing the remote control. I hear the doorbell "That must be lance. I gotta go, fianc¨¦,'''' I climb the bed and crawl over to him.


    He wraps his arms around me "Fuck, I am not ready to let you go.'''' his groan is even louder than the first.


    This gets a laugh out of me because I know that he is just being a big baby. "I am going to be back. come on," I kiss the top of his head and he closes his eyes.


    "Don''t do anything fun without me,'''' he points at me as I let him go. I walk out of our room and down the stairs.


    "Open the door fool,'''' I hear Lance''s voice through the door. Impatient as he always was. I grab the handle and once I turn it, he pushes me into the house. he is dressed in a pair of jeans and a plain heavy metals shirt. His sneakers are black and very clean. His hair is styled neatly over his head.


    "Our uber is outside,'''' he rushes into the house and runs in the direction of the kitchen. I watch him, confused until he opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of beer.


    "You''re not driving?''''


    He shakes his head "I plan on getting me and you wasted,'''' he gulps the whole bottle in front of me. I don''t know why he is so excited because there is no way, it is because of my new job "Congrats on the new job,'''' he drops the bottle on the counter table and walks over to me.


    "This might be the only night I will have to myself in a long time, so I plan on having a good time." he slings his arm over my shoulder.


    Oh, I see.


    "You are being dramatic,'''' I roll my eyes. His kid is not a baby. He can still have nights out if he wants to.


    "No way, I left Ford alone with my baby. He looked so terrified.'''' He exclaims, adding more exaggeration to this conversation.


    ''''Ford can handle taking care of him for one night.''''


    He nods "I know but he is worried. You have to understand. Enough adult conversation, let''s get out of here.''''


    He grabs my arm and we both walk out of the house together. I see the Toyota parked in front of my driveway "So, where are we off to?''''


    He smiles as we enter the car together "A club¡­ obviously."


    Once he gives the driver the address, he starts the car and I face lance "I don''t want to get drunk tonight.''''


    He rolls his eyes "What happened to you. you used to be the fun one?'''' lance is right about that. I have had my fair share of parties. I have done it all and now I don''t care for it anymore. I don''t mind spending my night with my best friend but I don''t want to be that wasted guy that wouldn''t even remember what he did the night before.


    "Can''t we go for a movie and ice cream? That is my idea of celebration.''''


    He scoffs "No way dude, don''t worry about a thing. I have it all planned out. You, me, dancing and drinking. You need this night before life kicks in again.''''


    I sigh in defeat because there is no word like no in his vocabulary and I don''t mind a night out. I just wish trick was here with me.


    ***************


    We get the club and he jumps out of the car. I follow him out, wondering why he is so energetic tonight. "What is up with you tonight?''''


    He smiles "My best friend got a job. I am excited.'''' He tells me as we walk into the building. The bright light from the sign hits me. I have never been here before.


    The name of the club is Go-Go dancing. The second we walk in and I see the dancers on the pole, I look at him in disbelief.


    "You brought me to a gay club?'''' I shout into his ear because the music is so loud.


    He turns to me with a wide smile "We''ve never been to one before. I just thought we needed to.''''


    "I have a fianc¨¦; you are fucking married.'''' I remind him because he seems to have forgotten.


    He opens his eyes wide "what are you thinking. I didn''t bring you here to fuck some rando, we are here to drink and dance. Not my fault that your mind is so dirty,'''' he pulls me closer to the bar. The bartender slides over to us and I catch him ogling my best friend.


    "What can I get you?'''' he winks and I shake my head.


    "A dirty martini and sex on the beach for my friend,'''' Lance answers immediately. I don''t want to get drunk but it is like I don''t have a say anymore.


    "Sure, thing handsome,'''' he turns around and starts to mix the drinks.


    "He is flirting with you right now.'''' I point out.


    He nods "No harm in a little of flirting. I know who I am going home to. That''s all that matters to me.''''


    The bartender brings our drinks and leans closer "On the house,'''' he winks again and I roll my eyes.


    I don''t know why I agreed to this night but I want it to just pass quickly.


    "Jack,'''' I hear my name in question, slowly turning around, I see Gill from the office. Of all days to bump into someone, it had to be here.


    Fuck my life.

 Chapter 197 - Stolen Kiss

    Jack


    "Oh, fancy meeting you two times in one day." Gill leans closer with his drink in his hand. I nod because I don''t know what to say to him. this is awkward. He should feel the same way.


    "actually, three times,'''' I answer remembering that this is the third time we have met today.


    He raises his glass up with a wide smile. I don''t know why I just indulged in what seems like flirting. It can''t be flirting because he is the head of HR, he should know that this is inappropriate.


    I hear lance cough at my back and suddenly remember that he is here with me. I don''t know why I am suddenly nervous around Gill. I get it, he is a very good-looking man. I mean, anyone would think that when they see him. his eyes are a bright green, the kind that makes you want to get lost in them¡ªI don''t want to get lost in them. I have a very beautiful man waiting for me at home. We are getting married and I am so excited about it.


    "Oh, Lance, this is the head of HR in the job I just got.''''


    Gill laughs loudly in amusement "I do have a name, seems like you have forgotten,'''' he stretches out his hand to Lance "You can skip the whole head of Hr. debacle. I am Gill.''''


    Lance''s smile widens "Oh, I see. Hey Gill.''''


    "Nice to meet you. I take it this is a celebratory outing for the job,'''' I look around the club. There are guys all over, grinding up on each other. If I agree with him, it will look creepy. I don''t want him to take this the wrong way. I wanted to start this job professionally but now I am in a gay club with the head of HR.


    "Yes, my man here got a job,'''' Lance slings his arm over mine. he is already drunk. Now I will have to make sure he doesn''t make a fool of himself. this is supposed to be a fun night out but I will have to watch him all night.


    "Oh, you guys dating?'''' Gill asks me and I sense the disappointment in his tone. I want to tell him yes, because maybe if he thinks Lance is my boyfriend, he would leave me alone.


    Or I could just tell him that I am not interested.


    "Hell no. this is my best friend of all time,'''' Lance squeals loudly. He giggles as he downs the rest of his drink/.


    I shake my head because I can''t believe that he is acting like this "I am sorry about him. he is a mess,'''' I tell Gill.


    Lance removes his hand from my shoulder and grabs my hands, pulling me away from the bar "Come dance with me,'''' he drags me. Gill waves his hands in a gesture, telling me that I am free to go. I walk over to the dance floor with Lance.


    "He likes you. Why do all the guys like you?''''


    I raise a brow as he moves terribly to the music. Lance has never been a dancer; he has never been one to act like this. I was always the one that dragged him to parties. Why am I the one that is acting responsibly right now? I don''t like this switch one bit.


    "He works in the company. He cannot like me.'''' I say it, maybe it will help me believe it. I don''t like that there is this complication with my new job. I want things to go smoothly and it seems like this might be a problem.


    "He didn''t seem to care; you can''t lead him on.'''' He warns me with a glare.


    "I never did that.''''


    He scoffs as the music even gets louder¡ªif that is even possible "Did you tell him you have a boyfriend?''''


    I shake my head, raising my hand up and flaunting my ring "I have a ring on. It''s not my fault that he hasn''t noticed it."


    "What if he just doesn''t care?"


    "Then I will tell him that I am not interested. I don''t want to assume anything when nothing has happened. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt.''''


    That is the truth. Nothing is going to make me sway from Trick. He is the only one I want and I will not think about another guy¡ªespecially someone that I am going to start working with. I want to get rid of all the awkwardness because I want to do good work at this job.


    My eyes somehow find their way back to the bar and he is still there. Our eyes meet and my heart stops for a second because I don''t want him to think that I am checking him out.


    "I need to go to the bathroom,'''' I tell lance, detaching from him.


    He nods "Let me get us another round,'''' he runs away from me before I can tell him that I have had enough of the alcohol. I want to go home and wrap my arms around my baby. I miss him and it has just been an hour. I don''t know how much longer I can last. I walk into the bathroom of the club and it is empty. Walking over to the sink, I check my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are tired. I haven''t really had enough sleep all week. From the worrying to the excitement of finally getting the job. things are happening fast and I am here for it.


    The door to the bathroom opens but I don''t look up until the person walks over to me. the second I look; I see Gill and he doesn''t even give me a chance as he pulls me into his arms and smashes his lips on mine. our lips touch for just a second before I push him off me, but that second is the slowest second ever. I want to scream and punch him.


    "What the fuck,'''' I scream in shock, trying to wipe his taste out of my mouth.


    He furrows his brows in confusion "Fuck, what did I just do. I am so sorry." He tries to reach for me but I take a step away from him, still in shock. All I can''t think about is Trick and explaining this to him.


    I don''t know how he would react to this.


    I don''t know if he will believe me.

 Chapter 198 - The Truth

    Jack


    I run out of the bathroom without even saying a word to him. I don''t even know how to handle this situation. I didn''t kiss him back but once Trick finds out about this; he is going to freak out. he is going to make a big deal about this and I might end up not even starting at that job. this is something I am finally excited about and I don''t want to just let go of it so quickly.


    I find Lance at the bar. He is talking to the bartender again. now I know that this was a bad idea. he is too drunk to even know what he is doing. I grab his arm and he turns around. I tell him that I want to leave and he just looks at me like a deer in headlights.


    "Come on Lance, please can we just leave?'''' I beg him. I don''t even know how to explain what just happened. I am still trying to process it. Gill kissed me.


    I try to think back to earlier.


    did I lead him on or something?


    "What is wrong?'''' he asks me, shifting from intoxicated to worried.


    I pull him off the seat and lead him out of the building, he struggles to walk at my pace but all I want to do is leave this club and forget this night ever happened.


    I can''t tell Trick what happened tonight because I already know his reaction. He is going to get upset and then talk to Adina. which in turn might lead to me not even getting the job. I don''t want to cause any problems for Gill.


    I don''t even know the guy and maybe I lead him on.


    "What is happening,'''' Lance pushes his grip off me and I stop walking and turn to him. My head is spinning and I just want to go to sleep. I don''t even know what is going on. I don''t know how to handle this. I just want to forget about it.


    "It is not a big deal, I will tell you in the morning when you are sober,'''' I decide because I don''t even think he can comprehend anything right now. "Why did you drink so much?'''' I ask him, wondering what the point is.


    he rolls his eyes "Is it a problem now? Are you the anti-fun police?''''


    As I said, Lance is not in his right frame of mind "Can you just give me your phone, so that I can get a car?''''


    he reaches into his pocket and brings out his phone, slowly handing it to me "Did something happen in the bathroom? I saw that guy follow you.''''


    I stiffen. Is he talking about Gill? "What guy?'''' I ask, trying to sound casual. He doesn''t know anything; I don''t know if I even want to tell him. I know Lance, he would want me to be honest with Trick. I swear this is not me feeling guilty. this is not me wanting this to be a secret. I just don''t want this to escalate more than it needs to and with Trick, it most definitely will.


    "You know who I am talking about, the one from the office. you know, what did you say his name was again.''''


    I sigh and then run my hands through my hair. I was so excited about the new job and now, all thanks to Gill, all I feel is dread. "I don''t know what you are talking about,'''' I tell him.


    "You are being weird; did you hook up with him? I mean, the way you keep avoiding the question.''''


    I open my eyes wide from the shock of his words "What do you mean? I would never hook up with anyone. how can you even think that?''''


    Lance is drunk but he is still suspicious of me. I hate that he sees me and can read my mind. I hate that right now; I can''t hide from him.


    "You are hiding something. tell me what it is before I start to think the worst.''''


    I sigh, and then open the uber app "Let''s just get you home, and then we will talk about it tomorrow when you are sober."


    he rolls his eyes and slings his arm over my shoulder "You know I will remember tomorrow, so don''t think you are going to get away with it."


    I nod in agreement and silently pray he doesn''t remember tomorrow. I want to forget about it and it seems like the only way I can do that is if we all forget that this night happened.


    the Uber parks in front of the club after about two minutes and I check to make sure the license plate matches the one on the app. After my confirmation, I lead Lance into the car and the man starts the trip.


    I look out the window because I need to make a decision. I need to know if I should tell Trick about this.


    ***************


    I finally get home after dropping Lance home. once I pay the fee for the car, I get down and walk into the house, grabbing my keys from my pocket. I finally get inside and lock the door. All I want to do is take a shower and get some sleep. it was a long night and I don''t know how to handle this. I don''t know what to tell Trick.


    the house is dark and I realize that Trick must be asleep. I am so lost in my thoughts that I don''t even notice him walking out of the room. He is dressed in striped pajama bottoms and a plain white shirt. A smile sprawls to his face when he notices me "You are back early,'''' he comments, walking into my arms.


    I welcome him because I have missed him.


    "Yeah, I just missed you so much,'''' I tell him. that is the truth. I actually missed him. I mean, if Gill hadn''t kissed me, I would have still found a way to get Lance to call it a night. I wasn''t even feeling the vibes of the club.


    I wanted to come home to the most important person in my life.


    "Did you at least have fun?'''' he asks me, resting in the crook of my neck.


    I sigh because his question has me remembering the one thing I don''t want to ever remember.


    "Yeah, I did,'''' I lie because I know that he will never understand what if I say otherwise. if I tell him what happened. he will overreact and I don''t want that to happen. I have to keep this to myself because there is no point in telling him.


    there is no point in worrying him when I don''t even feel the same way. I didn''t reciprocate the kiss and I plan on shutting Gill down once I start work. I will let him know that I have a fianc¨¦. one that I love very much and we will never speak of the kiss again.


    "Good, because I am glad you are finally back home, the bed was lonely without you'''' he whispers into my neck causing my heart to melt.


    "I am sorry that I made you sleep alone, I love you,'''' I say and he pulls away so that he can look into my eyes.


    "I love you too. Now, let''s go to bed,'''' he tells me, grabbing my hand and leading me towards the room.


    "But I just came from the club, I need to shower and change,'''' I tell him.


    he shakes his head "No, I don''t want to wait, I need to hold you now.''''


    I want to deny him, but I can''t. his words are like magic to me. I just want to forget all about the night, so that I can share my bed with the man that I love.


    "Alright,'''' I say in defeat.


    I just have to forget tonight.


    We get into the room and he helps me get all my clothes off. once I am just in my boxers, he drags me to the bed and rests his head on my chest with a cheeky smile on his face.


    "You start work tomorrow," he whispers into my ear.


    I shake my head "I don''t think so. I still have the tests to do,'''' I remind him. I hate that he is bringing the job up. I don''t want to talk about it because guilt is eating me up right now.


    "Oh, well I am so excited for you,'''' he nuzzles into me and I feel his warmth as it starts to take over me.


    My heart is racing against my chest. I hate this feeling. If the tables were turned, I will not want him to keep this from me. I would want him to tell me the truth and here I am, saying I want to keep this from him.


    I cannot do that.


    "Someone kissed me tonight,'''' I tell him.


    Damn the consequences, I need to be honest with him.

 Chapter 199 - Insecurities

    Trick


    Time stops as those words escape his lips.


    in fact, at first, it feels like I didn''t hear him properly.


    "What?'''' I ask him to repeat what he just said because I don''t want to believe those words.


    He sits up on the bed, the sheets pooling at his waist, and he looks at me.


    "Someone kissed me tonight,'''' he repeats.


    after his words, it feels like there is a tugging in my heart. I just don''t know how I feel about his confession. there is only one thought roaming through my mind and that is.


    "Did you kiss this person back?''''


    it feels like I am in a loop, one that I can''t get out of. This feels heart-wrenching. I have never felt this way before.


    I have never felt so broken as I wait for him to tell me the truth. I don''t want to hear him tell me yes.


    if he says no, then I will be okay.


    "No, I pushed him off immediately I realized what was happening.''''


    I sigh in relief.


    as I lay back down on the bed, I feel like I have been holding my breath this whole time.


    he comes and lies next to me and his warm body causes me to slowly close my eyes.


    before I know it, I feel him kissing me. his lips are soft and gentle as they caress mine.


    the kiss feels like more than a kiss. it feels like he is telling me that I am the only one for him.


    I close my eyes and kiss him back. I gently kiss him back, and then I kiss him harder.


    I place my hand on his chest and I push him away.


    "What''s wrong?'''' he asks me, concern etched on his face.


    the only thing I can think of is his confession and the worry that has suddenly evolved with it "Who the fuck was it, the person that kissed you?'''' I ask him because I need to know.


    he shakes his head immediately "No one important, that is not why I told you. I just needed to be honest with you. I didn''t want to keep this from you because I have nothing to hide. you are the one I love and some guy at the club mistook my friendliness for flirting and thought it was okay."


    Some guy at the club?


    I thought he was just going to be with Lance. I would have never let him go on his own if I knew this would happen.


    "You are thinking too much,'''' he tells me, watching me intently.


    I sigh out of the frustration of all the thoughts in my head. I want to take this as nothing but Jack is a good-looking man. I know how amazing he is and other people would see it too.


    my insecurities are starting to mess with my head.


    "I can''t help it,'''' I tell him.


    "I know,'''' he says "I would feel the same way if the tables were turned. I can''t imagine you with anyone else. you are mine.'''' he adds and that makes me feel a little better--but not good enough.


    He grabs my hand and places it on his chest. right over his heart. "You are the only one whose name I want to hear when this aches. you are the only one I want to kiss when I wake up. you are the only one I want to kiss just because I can. you are the only one I want to be with. you are my everything.'''' he tells me and it resonates.


    I guess his assurance is all I need.


    I lean in and kiss him. I kiss him with everything I have. I kiss him as if my life depends on it and he kisses me back.


    I don''t want anyone else kissing him.


    I don''t want him seeing anyone else the way he sees me. this is me claiming him as mine and no one else.


    I roll over until I am on top of him and kiss him again. I kiss him wildly, like the world is ending and he is the only one who can save me, with all this pent-up anger and emotions taking over. I just want him to feel how much he means to me.


    I break the kiss and reach for his boxers, taking them off immediately. he pushes into me again, not wanting to stop kissing me and I welcome him with all I have in me. our lips stay merged together as I taste him, making sure it registers "You are mine,'''' I break away from the kiss and he nods immediately as I push into him.


    Maybe this is me trying to prove something but I don''t ever want to feel this way again. I have never even thought that I could lose him. We are steady and strong. I didn''t think this would ever happen.


    I have been in this relationship bubble for so long, I don''t even think that people would want him--he is fucking amazing and I have to make sure I don''t lose him.


    he looks up at me, his eyes are dark, the way they always are when I am inside him "I am yours,'''' he breathes out and my heart races excitedly.


    I know I don''t have anything to worry about.


    He claws at my back; I know it will leave a mark tomorrow but I don''t care.


    I want everyone to know I am his.


    "I am sorry,'''' he mutters but I shut him up by smashing my lips to his. I don''t need an apology because I trust him. I know that he didn''t do anything wrong and I know that he was honest about it.


    I trust him.


    *************************


    The next morning, last night feels like a nightmare. I wake up and he is not next to me. I quickly jump out of the bed and walk into the bathroom in search of him, he is not there too. Checking all the rooms in the house, I don''t find him. Jack would never leave without a word, right?


    I grab my phone from the bedside table and there are no messages from him. maybe this is all from last night and all the doubts that have been creeping up since he told me but I am being paranoid right now. I should just call him.


    I open the phone and dial his number. it rings a few times before going to voicemail. it is unusual for him not to pick up. maybe it''s just because he doesn''t have any bars wherever he is.


    I try to call again but this time on his phone. it rings a few times before going to voicemail as well. I hang up and call again. this time I leave a message. I don''t know what to say, just that I am worried and that I hit him up as soon as he gets this, I hang up. I walk out of the house and go to the kitchen. I pour a cup of coffee into a cup and sit down on the counter.


    I don''t like the way I feel right now.


    I don''t know what is going on inside my head.


    I hear the front door and his footsteps as he walks into the kitchen, there is a smile on his face "You''re awake, shit. I wanted to surprise you,'''' he raises his hands up in the air and I see coffee and bagels from my favorite coffee shop. "Shit, you''re already drinking your morning coffee, I am late,'''' he walks up to me and drops the coffee on the table next to me.


    I remain quiet because I don''t know what to say.


    "Are you okay?'''' he asks me worriedly.


    I shake my head because I am not okay right now. "What is wrong?'''' he grabs my hands in his and pulls me closer to him.


    I don''t know how to explain how I am feeling right now but he brought a side of me that I didn''t want him to see.


    A side of me that is weak.


    A side of me that I hate.


    "Did I do something wrong?'''' he asks me.


    I shake my head again because this is not his fault. I am acting this way because right now, I am insecure and worried, and angry with the whole situation. it is not like he cheated on me. it was just a kiss and he said that it didn''t mean anything.


    "What is going on?'''' he asks and his tone is starting to make me feel even more guilty about my reaction.


    "Nothing, I just didn''t see you in the morning and I was thinking the worse,'''' I confess.


    He furrows his brows "What worse?''''


    I sigh "I don''t know, last night just caught me off guard and is making me paranoid.''''


    he nods in understanding "Do you trust me?''''


    I nod immediately because there is no one I trust more than him. He smiles "Then you have nothing to worry about."


    I know that but what is this big aching feeling in my chest?

 Chapter 200 - Secrets

    Jack


    I made things weird.


    I can tell.


    He is not acting right at all and it is all because of me and that fucking nightmare of a kiss. I thought telling him the truth was the right thing to do and yes, it takes a weight off me but now, I have this version of Trick that I didn''t even know existed.


    The version that texts me so many times in the day, asking me interrogative questions, the one that wants to know where I am at all times. I don''t like it because the one thing that we have that I have always been proud of is mutual trust.


    I trust him with my whole being. I don''t wonder what he is doing at work, I don''t question his actions but ever since I told him about the kiss, he has been all up in my business and I mean that literally.


    After the medical tests, I started work the next day and it has been going smoothly. I have been able to avoid Gill because I don''t even want to see him or even talk to him about what happened.


    The good thing is that Trick doesn''t know that the person that kissed me is Gill. I don''t think he would allow me to stay at the job if he knew.


    I don''t know if this will come back to bite me in the ass but I think it is best he doesn''t know. I don''t have any feelings for Gill. I don''t plan on acknowledging the night at the club. so, there is no harm, as long as I stay away from Gill.


    My phone rings as I head out of the building. it is five o clock and work for the day is done. I haven''t met any likable colleagues. the people in my department all seem stuck up and too in their jobs, so I have accustomed to their traits and been all up in my job too.


    I press the green button as Lance''s face blares up on the screen "I need you,'''' he shouts into the phone loudly.


    I close my eyes for a second, I am outside in the parking lot. "I am so tired right now, what is the emergency?"


    "Can you just get here now?'''' he ends the call and I know I have no choice but to go to his house.


    I haven''t had the chance to spend time with Trick all week. our times have been colliding. I go to work early and most nights he comes back late. it is expected, I mean that is how it was with my previous job but this time I am worried because of the guilt. I know I don''t have anything to feel guilty for. I didn''t kiss Gill; I didn''t lead him on--at least I don''t remember doing that.


    I get to Lance''s house in less than fifteen minutes, he opens the front door just as I get out of my car "Come on,'''' he drags my hand in his and leads me into the house.


    "What is going on?'''' I ask him. we get to the kitchen and I see Arlo on the counter seated and looking at his leg.


    Lance leads me to a corner and whispers "He hurt himself today and I don''t know what to do,'''' he cries but to me, it seems like an exaggeration.


    "What do you mean hurt himself?'''' I ask him curiously.


    he lets go of my hands "I took him outside for a ride on the new bike I got for him, he fell off,'''' he tells me. I see the pain in his eyes as he explains.


    "Is it bad?''''


    He shakes his head "yes, it is, I helped him clean it up.''''


    I walk away from him and go to Arlo "hey Arlo,'''' I call his name and he looks up from the interesting thing going on, on his lap. his blue eyes shine brightly as he waits for me to speak up. "Can I see where you fell?'''' I ask him.


    He nods immediately and raises his hand up, and I see the scratch. I turn to Lance "Really Lance, is this the emergency?'''' I ask him with a raised brow. he looks guilty and I know that he is being dramatic.


    "Does it hurt?'''' I ask Arlo who just shakes his head. I see that the scratch is not deep and it is not bleeding. I look at Lance "You didn''t have to call me over here,'''' I tell him.


    "I know,'''' he replies "Come on Arlo, go get ready for a bath, I will be up in a second," he tells his son and I can''t help but smile at how beautiful this is.


    Once Arlo is up the stairs, I face him with a glare "Do you have any idea how exhausted I am, why didn''t you call your husband?''''


    He raises his hands up in the air "I am sorry, I just needed to talk to someone. I noticed something when he fell, he didn''t cry. why didn''t he cry?'''' he asks me like I would have the answers he is looking for.


    "I don''t know, maybe because it didn''t hurt. this is not a big problem. why are you looking for one?'''' I ask him and he pauses for a moment.


    "I am not looking for one, but it is just weird,'''' he tells me and I sigh.


    "It is not weird, don''t look for trouble with him. just be happy,'''' I tell him because I don''t want him panicking over the small things.


    I look at Lance and maybe I am doing the same thing, panicking over the little things. There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Trick. the ring on my finger can be a testament to that. I don''t want to get paranoid and let the guilt eat me up.


    "What is going on with you, you have been acting like a jerk all week,'''' Lance points out.


    I shake my head because I realize that I have actually not told Lance about the kiss with Gill. I told him I was going to tell him after the club but I guess saying it out loud has been terrifying.


    "You know, you have been acting weird since that night at the club. did something happen?'''' he raises a brow in question.


    I look at him and I know that I have to tell him. he is my best friend; he would tell me whatever was bothering him.


    He opens his eyes wide "I knew you were acting sus. what happened?'''' he grabs my hand "Come on, we can have this conversation while I prep Arlo for bed.


    We get to Arlo''s room and he is in front of the television watching a cartoon. I smile at him as he looks up at us. I think Lance and Ford got the perfect child for themselves. I have not met anyone more perfect for the two of them.


    "Now tell me what happened,'''' he bellows as he opens the tap of the tub for Arlo. I watch the water as it pours into the tub just as my phone beeps in my pocket. I reach for it and there is a message from Trick.


    "Your man?'''' he asks.


    I nod.


    I reply his message by telling him that I will be home soon.


    "You are avoiding my question. you have to spill it sooner or later,'''' he raises a brow "Come on Ar," he calls Arlo into the bathroom. I walk out of the bathroom to give him some privacy with the kid. after a couple of minutes, he walks out of the bathroom and leaves the door slightly open.


    "You haven''t told me what happened,'''' he reminds me.


    I take a deep breath as I tell him what happened. he watches me with his eyes wide as I tell him about the kiss and keeping this crucial information from Patrick.


    "You are seriously not going to keep the fact that you work with the guy from him... right?" he asks me as if he is not understanding something.


    he shakes his head "I don''t get it, why are you avoiding this? listen, if you feel guilty about that kiss then just come clean.'''' he tells me. I sigh and I know that he is right about this. Patrick deserves to know but I just don''t want to make things worse.


    I don''t want to add more to his insecurities right now.


    Does that make any sense?


    "I can''t, he will not let me keep the job if I tell him the truth.''''


    he rolls his eyes "The way you are saying it, someone would think he is controlling.'''' he walks back into the bathroom and I wait for him again. He comes out of the bathroom with Arlo in a towel "look, I can''t understand why you think the best thing to do is to keep part of the truth from him. This will only create problems in the future. Secrets ruin relationships.''''


    I know he is right but I don''t know how to tell him--especially now that I have lied in the first place.


    God give me the strength.

 Chapter 201 - Lying From A Good Place

    Jack


    I get home after Lance left and I see Trick in the kitchen. he is looking through his phone with his tablet on the counter. he looks up when he hears me enter the door. his eyes light up as I walk into the kitchen and into his arms. The good thing about coming home every day is that I can have these moments with him.


    "How was work?'''' he asks me quietly. his breath is hot against my skin. I want to stay in this position for the rest of the night. I can''t explain how good this feels.  is


    "It was fine,'''' I tell him. He pulls away from me and I tell him about Lance and his kid. he smiles as I tell him everything that happened.


    "You know he is a new parent. it is not that easy to raise a kid. give him time and he would get the hang of it.''''


    I raise a brow with a smile on my face "Oh really, and how would you know?'''' I am teasing him and he can see that. he gives this cute smile and I can''t help but notice how handsome he is. I don''t know how I got so lucky to have him in my life.


    "I know, I am just saying,'''' he says with a shrug. He wraps his arms around me and I lean into him. I just love this feeling. I love coming home to this man. I am not going to do anything to ruin that.


    You need to tell him the whole truth.


    Lance''s words ring in my head. I know I am going to have to tell him at some point. I don''t think tonight is the night to blow this bubble up.


    "Are you hungry?'''' he asks me, pulling away slightly. I nod and he jumps up from the stool, walking over to the fridge "We have leftovers, or do you want me to make something fresh?'''' he asks.


    He starts to pull out the food from the fridge. I grab the pack of chicken legs from him and I tell him I would take care of it. he gives me this smirk that says he is not convinced that I would do a good job.


    "I can cook you know." I tease him because I know he likes to do basically everything for me. Trick wouldn''t let me do anything in the kitchen, he wouldn''t let me do the laundry, he wouldn''t let me clean. He has basically spent our life spoiling me.


    "Oh yeah?'''' he asks me with a raised brow. I give him a little smile and he stands behind me as I start to cook. He grabs a glass and begins to pour some wine for me.


    "I was thinking about something,'''' he says, handing me the glass. I take a sip of the wine and he smiles as he watches me. I look up at him and I see how his eyes have that sparkle. I set the glass down and he comes closer to me. he starts to rub my arms and I feel tingles on my skin.


    He is so close to me that I can feel his breath on my lips "What''s that?'''' I ask him. I want to tell him to kiss me.


    "We need to go on a vacation. I think you need a break, and we haven''t really had any time together. I was thinking about going to the Bahamas,'''' he says as he runs his fingers through my hair. This is another because of my kiss confession last night. He is trying to show me how good we are together.


    "I just started work. I can''t go on a vacation.'''' I remind him even though I am pretty sure he wouldn''t want to work with me once he finds out that Gill from the office is the one that kissed me. I feel his lips against my skin as he kisses my neck.


    "I know but I think you really need a break,'''' he says as he continues to kiss me. I look up at him and he gives me a smile.


    He stops kissing me and I turn around to look over the stove. I need to tell him the truth.


    "Trick--" I begin to say but he kisses me. I know that he is trying to distract me from what I am about to say. I need to tell him the truth.


    I pull away from him "Trick--" he kisses me again and I try to pull away from him.


    he leans his forehead against mine. he is making this very hard for me.


    I want to be honest but I don''t want to disappoint him. I have already kept this from him, I don''t know how he would feel about that and the way he is looking at me is not helping matters. I take a deep breath and I look up at him.


    "I have something to tell you,'''' I say and he looks at me. his eyes are searching mine. I don''t know how he will react to this.


    "What is it?'''' he asks me softly. I take a deep breath and I take his hands in mine. I look down at our hands and I try to find the words. I look up at him and I see that face that he gives me when he is just waiting for me to say whatever it is I want to say. I take a deep breath and I look down at our hands. I rub my thumb over his hand and I feel his hand squeeze mine.


    I take another deep breath and I look up at him again.


    "We can do a weekend but that is as good as I can give you,'''' I cower in the final seconds.


    I can''t do it.


    I know it is the right thing to do but I can''t hurt him even more right now. Trick is vulnerable and I will just end up breaking him right now.


    A smile sprawls to his face and he takes me in his arms, lifting me up in the air. I look at him and I don''t know how to feel. I know I should be happy but I am not. I feel like shit right now.


    I don''t know if I have made the right decision tonight but at least we are happy for now.


    ********************


    The next day at work, I do the same thing I have been doing all week, I hide from Gill because, after everything, the best thing to do is stay as far away from him as possible.


    "You are making a fucking mistake,'''' Lance bellows into the phone.


    I close my eyes as I walk into the lunchroom in the office with leftovers from last night and I drop into the chair. I can''t deal with this right now.


    "No, Lance, this is the best thing for Trick right now. He can''t handle the whole truth. I will tell him but maybe after we get back from the weekend trip,'''' I tell him.


    He laughs into the phone "You are insane, you need to tell him now.''''


    I take a bite of my food and I look around the room. I am trying to hurry up because I don''t want anyone to come inside while I am here and by anyone, I mean Gill.


    "Can you just understand where I am coming from and why I don''t think it is a good idea right now?''''


    He sighs into the phone "Don''t come crawling to me when shit hits the fan. I have already told you my stance on this whole situation.'''' he ends the call without waiting for a reply and I drop my phone on the table just as the door opens.


    Just my luck that the one person I am avoiding is the one that walks in. His eyes light up when he sees that it is me.


    Fuck.


    "Hey,'''' he says, lingering by the door.


    I stand up and start to pack my things because I don''t even want to make conversation with him. I don''t want to be in the same space with him. He took my kindness for flirting and took advantage of me that night. I have thought about the night, over and over again. I didn''t fucking lead him on. I didn''t say anything to slightly suggest that I was interested in him.


    He didn''t act professional and he is trying to come into my life and contribute to ruining my relationship with Trick.


    "No, we are not doing this,'''' I tell him, walking over to the door.


    He grabs my arm to stop me from walking "can we talk? I need to talk to you.'''' he tells me.


    I shake my head immediately and push his grip off of me "No, we are not doing this,'''' I glare at him as I walk out of the lunchroom.


    No way in hell.

 Chapter 202 - Worries

    Trick


    Jack has been perfect through all my worries.


    if feel like the kiss brought us closer.


    I know it makes no sense. Some stranger kissed my man and yeah, it got me worried but now I am a lot closer to him. I know his worth and I appreciate his honesty. it is not an easy thing to just say and he told me. I am not going to let this ruin the weekend trip that we are going on.


    I don''t want him to think that the kiss is the reason why I planned this trip. I just want to spend time with him, away from the city. Remind him of the love we share.


    "You are acting very clingy,'''' Adina tells me with a frown on her face. She is the only one that I talked about his kiss at the club. I wish it wasn''t even real. I want this to be something we laugh about in the future.


    "No, I am not.'''' I roll my eyes trying to keep my focus on the painting, I have been working on all week.''''


    She nods but I can tell she is not going back on her words "Yes you are. You are going on this trip just to get away from him and your worries.


    I glare at her because she is blowing this out of proportion "We don''t have worries." I tell her as I continue to work on the painting.


    "Then why are you going on this impromptu trip with him?'''' she sighs.


    "Because I love him and I want to spend time with him,'''' I tell her. My voice is a little louder than normal and I see her flinch.


    "No, you are going with him just to get away from your worries,'''' she repeats. Her voice is full of concern and she is not getting it. she keeps saying worry like we have some sort of problem.


    Things are great between us. We are engaged to be married. The place we are at right now is perfect. I don''t know why she suddenly thinks there are problems.


    "Stop fucking insinuating that we have problems."


    "I didn''t say you have problems, I said worries. there is a difference.''''


    "Oh really? please tell me the difference.''''


    she sighs loudly, almost in frustration "So is it safe to say that I am your best friend?'''''' she asks me. I furrow my brows in confusion because I don''t know what she is talking about. "I know you and I have been there through your and Jack''s relationship. there has never been any problem with outsiders. This is a new dynamic in your relationship and it scares you.'''' she tells me.


    I still don''t agree with her and I scoff "I am not worried about anything and I don''t know why you think that. Everything is fine. we are fine.'''' I tell her.


    "That is not what I am saying.'''' she sighs again "You are afraid of losing him. You are going on this trip to prove to yourself that nothing will separate you two. you are going away just to prove to yourself that you love him more than anything else.'''' she tells me.


    "You are talking nonsense. I am not afraid of losing him. We have been together for years. I know how to love him. I know how to keep him,'''' I tell her.


    "You are so afraid of losing him that you think this trip would bring you closer.''''


    "That is not what is happening.''''


    Sometimes, I hate Adina because it feels like she can read the parts of my mind that I close off to. Yes, the kiss bothered me a lot more than it should and I know that I have nothing to worry about with Jack. I trust him but I don''t trust everyone else. I have this fear that he would meet someone way better than me. Someone that would treat him ten times better.


    He would realize that I am not the best for me and he would leave.


    "Look, you need to just relax. Talk to your man, tell him how you feel. You should be able to share the insecurities you have with the one you love. Don''t just push it down." She says, walking inside to leave me alone. I sigh because I know she is right. I just don''t know how to talk to him about my worries. I don''t want to come across as a jealous boyfriend.


    I am not jealous. I have nothing to be jealous about.


    There isn''t even a guy in the picture, just some guy at a club that he may never meet again.


    Fuck.


    My phone vibrates on the table and I see his face on the screen. I answer the call immediately and his voice sends chills down my spine "Hey baby,'''' he calls me and my heart thuds in my chest. the way I feel about Jack is the same way he feels about me. the butterflies, the chills, the pure joy from just hearing his voice. I don''t have anything to worry about.


    "How''s work?'''' I ask him.


    "So, I have an hour and I don''t want to eat at work, how about you drive over to my office and sneak me away?'''' he breathes into the phone and my heart pounds against my chest.


    A smile sprawls to my face as I stand up from the stool and grab my coat "I will be there in ten minutes,'''' I walk out of my office and down the stairs to the front of the gallery. Adina stops me before I can walk out "Where to?''''


    I smile "To see my man,'''' I tell her, getting excited.


    She raises a hand up "This might be a good opportunity to tell him about those worries.'''' she reminds me of our conversation even though all I want to do is forget it.


    I walk away from her because I don''t know if I am going to take her advice.


    I just want to see him.

 Chapter 203 - Caught Doing Nothing

    Jack


    After leaving the kitchen and running away from Gill like I had committed some kind of crime. I decide to call Trick in the middle of the day at work. I have an hour-long lunch break and I didn''t even get the chance to eat, so I want the next best thing, which is to spend time with my fianc¨¦.


    I knew that if I called him, he would leave everything he was doing. That is just the kind of person that trick is. He would literally do anything for me and with this big lie, I feel like I am taking advantage of him. I don''t know if it even makes sense.


    I wait outside the office in the reception for him.


    "Hey Gill,'''' I hear the receptionist greet him as he walks over to me. I am seated in a corner but somehow, he manages to find me. I stand up immediately because this is not the confrontation I wanted. I don''t want to talk to him here in the office about what happened.


    I walk out of the building but I hear his footsteps as he follows me "Stop fucking following me,'''' I turn around and shout in anger.


    he stops walking but I don''t see him make a move to leave me the fuck alone. I don''t want to talk about that night because I wish it didn''t happen. I wish I had never lied to him.


    "I need to talk to you.''''


    "I don''t want to talk about it, so it is fine if we just act like it never happened,'''' I tell him, going straight to the point.


    "Can I just have a couple of minutes with you?'''' he raises his hands up in the air--in an ''I mean no harm'' way.


    I shake my head in frustration "I don''t have time for this." I turn in the direction of the car park. Maybe I can just hide out in my car.


    He sighs and then runs his hands through his hair in frustration "I fucked up and I am sorry.'''' he tells me.


    I am surprised by his sudden apology and it makes me stop walking "You are sorry for what?'''' I ask him wanting to know the real reason why he is apologizing.


    He takes a step towards me "For kissing you. I don''t know what I was fucking thinking. I don''t know why I did it.'''' he tells me.


    I shake my head "Okay, that is fine but it is just a kiss. It doesn''t mean anything. We can just pretend it never happened. we don''t have to talk about it and make a big deal out of it."


    He nods "Yeah but I don''t want you avoiding me. I don''t want our relationship to be weird and awkward."


    I laugh "If there is one thing that I can guarantee, it is that we don''t have a relationship whatsoever. We aren''t even friends.'''' I tell him honestly and maybe a little bit harshly.


    He sighs "What if I want to be friends? What if I want to make things right between us?'''' He asks me with this hopeful expression in his eyes.


    I shake my head "No. I don''t want to be friends. I never want to be your friend. It is a very bad idea,'''' I tell him because I can''t do this. Especially since I went and lied to Trick. Now there will always be this reminder, of the lie.


    "Why not?'''' he asks me disappointed.


    "Jack?'''' I hear Trick before I see him and it feels like my heart is about to explode. I haven''t done anything wrong but it feels like I was caught doing something wrong.


    "What are you doing outside, the sun is quite hot today,'''' I turn around, and Trick smiles at me warmly as he takes my hand in his and pulls me close to him.


    I kiss him back because this is not the time to act weird.


    "Are you ready?'''' he asks me with a smile once I pull away from him. My eyes find their way to Gill and he is watching the scene.


    "Oh shoot, I didn''t see you there,'''' Trick moves closer to him and stretches his hand out "I am Patrick Jack''s fianc¨¦, you must be one of his colleagues."


    Gill takes his hand in his and manages a smile but from my end, it looks very fake "Nice to meet you, I am Gill."


    Trick smiles at him and then turns to me "I thought we were going out for lunch.


    "Yeah, we are, I was just waiting for you," I tell him shakingly. I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that I feel guilty even though I haven''t really done anything.


    "I should let you guys go for your lunch,'''' Gill interrupts with a wave.


    Trick smiles at him "You should come with us if you want.'''' he says and Gill seems to hesitate for a moment.


    "I would love to but I have a lot of work to catch up on,'''' he says.


    I nod my head because there is no way that is a good idea "Yeah, you should get back to work,'''' I tell him, my voice a little shaky from all the nerves.


    I don''t know what the fuck I am doing but I don''t think this makes sense anymore. I thought I was keeping this from Trick for his own good but now I can just see things spiraling and turning to shit.


    I can''t do this anymore.


    I need to tell him.


    the longer I keep the truth from him, the more it will seem suspicious when and if he finds out. I haven''t done anything wrong but now it feels like I am cheating on him. I don''t have feelings for Gill. There is nothing but misunderstandings, so why am I even acting like this?


    why have I made a mess of the whole thing?


    "Nice meeting you again,'''' Gill says and walks away from us.


    I look at my boyfriend and he pulls me into his arms in the middle of the parking lot.


    "Ready?'''' he asks kissing my temple softly.


    I have to tell him the truth now.


    "I need to tell you something,'''' I tell him.


    Okay. I have to do this.

 Chapter 204 - The Truth

    Jack


    "Can we have a conversation tonight?'''' I ask him as he leads me into his car with a very content smile on his face.


    I guess this impromptu lunch is making him happier than I thought it would "Oh, what about?'''' he asks me as the doors are closed and the car ignition is on.


    I look at him and the realization that this is it. This is my opportunity to tell him everything. I can''t just back out of it anymore. "About us,'''' I say.


    he takes a deep breath "What about us? Are you okay? You seem a little off today,'''' he says looking at me.


    I look at him and then I realize this is it. This is my opportunity to tell him the truth but the fear is stronger than the courage inside me. He is looking at me, confused and a little worried and this is not supposed to be a big deal.


    this could have ended the night I told him about the kiss if I had just mentioned that it was gill but now it all seems like I lied intentionally because I have something to hide.


    "You know you can''t talk to me about anything. I am not going to get upset,'''' he pushes, probably sensing my hesitation.


    "What if I lied to you?'''' I ask him and his face immediately turns to his slowly. It is stupid of me to think this is the right time to tell him about this. I am supposed to go back to work and I wouldn''t be able to think straight if he is not talking to me.


    "What do you mean?'''' he asks me.


    I take a deep breath and I shake my head because I can''t take him looming the way he is looking at me right now "we should talk when I get home tonight,'''' I tell him calmly because that is the best way to tell him the truth. In the comfort of our home, happy and sane.


    "You already brought it up, is this about the trip?'''' he asks "Do you not want to go anymore?'''' he adds.


    I shake my head slowly "No, it is not about the trip. I am not talking about the trip.'''' I tell him because he seems too focused on this weekend trip. It is not that I am not excited, I just don''t want to go anywhere right now with this lie looming over us.


    "Okay?'''' he asks me and I can see him trying to understand why I am being so weird today.


    I nod my head and then he smiles at me "Is it about work? are things too stressful?'''' he asks me worriedly.


    "No, work is good.'''' I try to reassure him and he seems like he is about to say something else but then he doesn''t. He seems to be debating with himself but then he shakes his head and looks back at the road.


    We get to the restaurant in complete silence and it seems like I have gone and fucked things up. I shouldn''t have brought it up until I was ready to tell him.


    "You are too quiet; can we just go back to being all cute and lovey-dovey?'''' I ask him with a smile as he parks the car.


    He turns to me slowly but there is no smile on his face "I actually have something to talk to you about,'''' he breathes out and my heart thuds against my chest. Now it seems like he is on to something. Maybe he already knows and I am in trouble.


    "Okay,'''' I manage because I don''t know how to react to this.


    "So, I talked to Adina and maybe I am not really okay with the kiss as I said I was,'''' he confesses and this confuses me because I know we still have that fucking kiss looming over us but I was under the assumption that he wasn''t even thinking about it anymore.


    "What do you mean?'''' I ask him confused and curious.


    This should be a determining factor on whether I tell him or not. Even though deep down, I have already planned to. I am just scared that telling him will mess up a lot of things.


    "I don''t know, I keep thinking about it and it is fueling up all these insecurities inside me. I hate that I have become this person but I can''t stop worrying about it," he confesses, looking away from me slowly.


    I take a deep breath because he is being honest and it hurts to know that I am the one who did this to him. "I don''t know what to say, I don''t know what to say. Maybe not being completely honest about the whole thing is what has messed things up so badly.'''' I tell him because how can I keep this from him when he has been so open with me.


    "What?'''' he looks at me again, his eyes staring into mine in a way that feels too deep.


    "About the kiss, there is something I didn''t tell you.''''


    I know I should just do this. I mean, this is for the best and there is no point keeping this from him--especially with the way I have been feeling since it happened. I don''t know how to lie to him and this lie is only going to end up hurting our relationship. he might be upset with me once I tell him but it is better, he knows the whole truth than half of it.


    At least once the truth is out in the open, I wouldn''t have to worry or lie anymore.


    "What?'''' he asks me quietly. I see the fear in his eyes and I don''t know what to do now, to wipe it off. "Just tell me,'''' he adds a little louder.


    "It was Gill,'''' I say and I watch him take it in, his eyes boring into mine and I know he is trying to find the truth in my words.


    "Gill, the guy you work with?'''' he asks me slowly and I nod my head.


    He looks away from me again and this time, it feels like I have shattered his heart.

 Chapter 205 - Ultimatum

    Trick


    Okay.


    Calm down Trick.


    This is not the end of the world.


    He is being honest with you.


    He loves you


    That is all that matters.


    All these comforting words that I give myself so that I don''t overreact are not working. I feel betrayed and fucking pissed off.


    The first thought that comes to my head is, Why did he lie?


    did he feel like he couldn''t be honest with me?


    Am I not confrontable?


    "Please say something,'''' his voice is shaking and he sounds so unlike himself. I don''t know what to say to him. I want to be upset with him; I want to scream at him right now but I don''t even have the energy. I feel shattered and it is all because of a lie.


    "Ask me anything and I will answer,'''' he adds.


    I look at him finally and there are tears in his eyes. The fact that he lied to me for so long is all I can think of. I just met the guy; all smiles and he didn''t even think to tell me.


    I don''t know how to comprehend this right now.


    "Trick,'''' he calls me by the name only he calls me and just like my name, I feel tricked. I feel fucking betrayed right now. He wants me to speak, yell, he is looking for a reaction from me but I don''t have one right now.


    "Can we just put a pause on this lunch. Let me drive you back to your office,'''' I tell him and start the car again. He grabs my arm immediately, his attempt me to stop from leaving.


    "Don''t do this, let us talk this through. I can explain,'''' he cries.


    I don''t push him away. His touch is still electric--no matter how upset I am. I still love him, even though I am heartbroken right now. I have a lot of questions but they are not the ones that he thinks.


    I start the drive back to his office, the office that I don''t even want him working in anymore. I have so many regrets, one is this job that he has right now. the one that I helped him with.


    I get to his office quickly because sitting in this car with him right now is making me weak. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. I just wanted to help him. He was in a funk and I pushed him into the arms of someone else. Is that what is even happening?


    Is he breaking up with me?


    Have we burned out?


    "I am not leaving this car until we talk. Please talk to me," he begs me.


    I sigh and then run my hands through my head " I don''t have anything to say right now, Jack. I don''t know what you want me to say.''''


    He nods, he is getting a response from me. I am giving him what he wants but I don''t even want this. I am scared that we would fight with this conversation. I am scared that he will break up with me.


    Yes, I am pissed the fuck off right now but I don''t want to lose him, I don''t want to break up.


    "Yes, Trick, shout, yell. tell me how much you hate me right now. Anything." he raises his hands up.


    "I don''t hate you... do you want me to hate you?''''


    He shakes his head incessantly "No, I just want to talk about it."


    "You want to talk about how you lied to me, how you made a fool of me. Is that what we are doing?''''


    "No." he shakes his head again.


    "Then what?'''' I ask him and he closes his eyes.


    "I want you to give me a chance to explain."


    "You said he was no one. That you didn''t know him. Why did you lie?'''' I ask him and he takes a long breath "I was scared,'''' he admits.


    He is getting what he wants, just the way he always does. He is getting me to talk about this, even though I don''t want to right now.


    "Did you kiss him back?" I ask him, it is the first question that comes to my mind. I just need to know if he even feels a shred of emotion for the guy. I saw this Gill guy earlier. he is very good-looking. the kind of looks that made me envious. Good-looking people are meant to be with good-looking people. I am average. I and jack shouldn''t make sense. He makes more sense with Gill.


    "No, I didn''t kiss him back,'''' he answers me quickly.


    "then why did you lie to me when I asked. What was the point?''''


    "You were so upset when I told you about the kiss. Telling you that I didn''t know the person just made more sense. I hated that I hurt you. I hated that this happened in the first place but I can''t take it back, if I could, I would in a heartbeat." he says and I can''t help but feel some guilt on my part. I made him feel like he couldn''t be completely transparent with me.


    I overreacted when he told me about it.


    the fact that he told me about the kiss should have been enough.


    I made him worry about being honest.


    "I understand why you did it but you should have been honest with me," I tell him and he nods.


    "I know, I fucked up. I didn''t think that I needed to tell you who he was. I didn''t think that it would matter to you but I know that it does. I am sorry Trick; I should have told you." he apologizes and I don''t know what to say to him.


    "I love you, and it hurts, but I love you. I don''t want to break up," he speaks and I feel a bit relieved.


    "I don''t either,'''' I tell him and he holds me tight in his arms.


    "Can we move past this?'''' I ask him and I think about this. There is only one way that I can get over this.


    "Yes.''''


    He pulls me into his arms and I welcome his electric touch because this is the only way that I can be happy.


    "I want you to quit.''''

 Chapter 206 - Departure

    Jack


    I look at him, confused by his words. I expected him to give me that ultimatum. After all, this is all my fault. I lied to him and now that I see that he is losing his trust for me--because I don''t know why else he would ask me to quit my job.


    "Are you serious?'''' I ask him, shocked as I wipe the tears from my face.


    His expression is cold now, he looks very upset but I can see that he is trying to control himself at this moment. This is all my fault; I take all the blame. I know that much but I need him to come to his senses.


    "Yes, I can''t have you working with that guy," he tells me and I shake my head.


    "It was just one time, it won''t happen again,'''' I try to reason with him but it seems like he is not having any of this.


    It seems like he has made up his mind.


    "Trick, you can''t ask me to do this. You helped me get this job, you know how important it is to me,'''' I plead with so much desperation. Apart from Trick, this job is the only thing I have going on. He knows how much this is to me.


    "I will help you get another one, you will be fine without it. I can''t have you working in that place with him,'''' he tells me.


    "That is not fair, you can''t ask me to quit my job just because you don''t want me to work with that guy. I can''t believe you," I tell him and he looks at me with such anger in his eyes.


    "I can ask you that and I am asking you. I can''t believe you," he tells me and the tears in my eyes start to stream down my cheeks again.


    "I need this job, I can''t just quit it because you tell me to," I plead with him.


    "I am asking you to. I am begging you," he tells me and I shake my head. I am not going to let him do this to me. He can''t just ask me to quit my job, because he is jealous of that guy.


    "I am asking you for the last time, I will not ask you again. I will not say another word about it. I can''t, I just can''t," he tells me and he is on the verge of tears as well. He is about to lose it; I can see it in his eyes.


    This is all my fault. I made a mess of Trick but I can''t let him think that the best solution to this is to run away from the situation. He has to trust me; this marriage thing won''t work if he doesn''t trust me.


    "I can''t quit my job, please don''t make me do this,'''' I tell him and he shakes his head.


    "I am asking you to do this for the sake of this relationship.''''


    I frown because now he is basically just telling me that if I don''t leave my job, he would break up with me.


    How can he even threaten me with a breakup? He just proposed to me and now he is threatening to break up with me?


    "I am sorry but I can''t do that. I can''t leave this job just because you want me to, it doesn''t make any sense. I can''t just quit," I tell him and he looks at me, his hands are shaking.


    "What are you trying to say?'''' he asks me in a barely audible voice.


    "I love you but I can''t do this right now, I can''t have you threatening me. Making me feel even worse than I do. I would never cheat on you. I will never love anyone more than I love you but if you can''t see that then maybe you don''t love me enough.'''' I open the car door without looking at him and walk out of his cart because right now, this is too much for me.


    He doesn''t even know the severity of his actions today. Yes, I made a mistake, I lied to him but I did from a good place. I didn''t do it to be vindictive or hurtful. I did it because I love him so much but he is being inconsiderate and selfish and I can''t handle that right now.


    *************


    After work, I drive home with the hopes that things have cleared up b between us. I just hope he has come to his sense; I don''t want to fight with him anymore. This thing with Gill has just done more damage than it needed to.


    I know Trick, he was upset when he told me to quit. I am sure after he has calmed down, he would come back to his senses.


    Trick is the most considerate person I have ever met. there is not even a selfish bone in his body. So earlier in the car, he caught me by surprise with his ultimatum.


    I didn''t expect that from him and I can''t believe that he threatened to break up with me if I didn''t quit my job. I can''t believe he said that.


    but I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I am sure everything is going to be ok.


    I am at my house now; I go inside and I immediately look for him.


    "Trick?" I call out but he doesn''t answer.


    I look at the living room and there is no one in there.


    "Trick?" I look around for him but still, no answer.


    I walk up to the bedroom; I open the door and there he is. He is by the closet with a bag in his grip. I walk up to him with a smile on my face, happy to see him even through our argument earlier.


    "Hi,'''' I wrap my arms around his waist from behind. He is stiff against my touch; this is not the way he responds when I hold him.


    he is still upset.


    "What are you doing?'''' I let go of him because I need to apologize again.


    "I am going to Adina''s,'''' he tells me as he puts more clothes in the bag.


    "Why?'''' I frown because I don''t know why he is packing his stuff.


    "I can''t stay here with you,'''' he says and my heart drops.


    "I am going to stay at Adina''s for a while, I need to get away from you. I need some time to think," he tells me and I am still standing there, unable to move.


    "I am sorry, I need to do this," he says and I can see that he is really serious about this.


    "You are leaving me?'''' I ask him, my voice is shaking.


    "This is not what I want to do but I have no choice. I can''t be with you right now," he tells me and I start sobbing.


    "I am sorry. This is just what I have to do," he tells me and I shake my head.


    "Trick, you can''t do this to me. You promised me that nothing would ever come between us. I can''t believe you are doing this to me," I tell him and he looks at me.


    "I am sorry," he tells me and I shake my head.


    "Please, you can''t do this to me. I love you. I need you," I tell him but he is not listening to me. I am losing the man I love because of my mistake.


    "I am sorry," he tells me and I shake my head.


    "Trick, please. Don''t leave me like this. Please," I beg him, my voice is shaking.


    He shakes his head and says nothing. He just keeps packing his things.


    "You are my life. Please don''t do this to me," we have been together for more than ten years and in that time, he has never ever stayed away from home. We have had so many arguments, but nothing like this.


    Right now, he is not even looking at me.


    He is packing his shit and breaking up with me.


    "Please don''t do this to me," I beg him again but he ignores me.


    "I am sorry," he keeps saying those two words and I have no idea what else to say to him. I am falling apart.


    I walk up to him and put my arms around his waist again.


    "Please," I beg him again and he shakes his head adamantly this time. There is no changing his mind. It seems like it is made up.


    "Is this it? are we over?" I ask him.


    He looks at me, his eyes sad "No, I just need time to think. I need to figure out how to handle all that is happening, I don''t like the way this is making me feel. The insecurities, the dark thoughts. I love you so much and it hurts me to even think that I could lose you."


    He presses his lips to my forehead; the gesture is so full of love that I am sure he still loves me.


    "I am sorry," he says again and I blink away my tears as he lets go of me. I watch him as he walks away from me with the bag and it feels like he took my heart with him.

 Chapter 207 - Compromise

    Jack


    He said he needed some alone time but it has already been a week. I hate the way this all feels final. Like this is just a continuation of his ultimatum. If I don''t leave my job, he is letting me go.


    "You can''t be so sure,'''' Lance bellows, almost like he read my mind.


    "He hasn''t come home, he is not answering any of my calls,'''' I cry as I slowly cover my face.


    I know this is all my fault but I feel like he would have made the same ultimatum if I didn''t lie. Something about the way he has been acting since I told him about the kiss has been bothering me.


    All the years we have spent together and he couldn''t find it in his heart to just trust that I wouldn''t cheat on him. He still had doubts that I was one hundred percent with him.


    It just doesn''t make any sense to me.


    I get that the natural reaction would be jealousy but not the kind that would end up ruining the relationship.


    A week ago, he just proposed to me and now he is leaving me. Does it even make any sense?


    "Have you tried calling him?" I ask him.


    He looks away from me for a second and I see the guilt "You''re still in contact with him.'''' I state already knowing my best friend.


    "He is still my friend, of course, I am still in contact with him,'''' he tells me nonchalantly. like it doesn''t even mean anything.


    "you are supposed to be on my side, he is hurting me. You can''t be a double agent right now.'''' I accuse him, already getting tense.


    "I''m always on your side,'''' he says, turning to face me.


    "What did he say?'''' I ask him to change the topic. I know that Lance is on my side. He is my best friend and even though I know that he thinks I am wrong in this scenario, he will still stick to my side, the same way I would if the tables were turned.


    "He is really hurting; I swear I have never met Trick like this before,'''' he mutters and I open my eyes wide.


    "You met up with him?'''' my heart thuds as the words escape my lips.


    "I was just trying to get him to talk, I swear. But he doesn''t seem like he is ready to face you,'''' he says.


    "What are you saying?'''' I ask him, getting more confused with each passing second.


    "Look, it doesn''t matter if he is ready or not, what is important is that you guys need to talk,'''' he says and I just look at him questioningly. "Look, you guys are about to get married and he is not going to ruin it by just being stubborn.''''


    "I can deal with the fact that he doesn''t trust me enough to believe that I will never cheat on him. I can deal with the fact that he is the one pushing me to leave my job."


    I can deal with the fact that I don''t know if he is ever going to forgive me. What I cannot deal with is the fact that he is not here with me right now and my heart just aches for him to be here with me. I can''t sleep without him; I can''t eat without him and I can''t even think properly.


    I have spent the last week trying to get him to forgive me but he doesn''t want to listen. I have tried calling him, texting him, he is so unresponsive, it is driving me insane.


    "He loves you so much Jack, you know that right?''''


    I don''t even know anymore. I don''t know how it can be easy for him to sleep on a bed that doesn''t have me when I haven''t been able to sleep.


    "What do you want me to do. I have tried everything, please if you have a solution, can you tell me?'''' I ask him and I see him getting uncomfortable. "What?'''' I ask him again.


    I watch him as he runs his hands through his hair and releases a sigh. I already know what he is going to say before he even utters the words.


    He wants me to bend for Trick.


    "Is the job worth your relationship?''''


    I shake my head "Why does it have to be this or that? why can''t I have both?'''' I want to know why Trick is bent on seeing me miserable. Without this job, I don''t have a purpose. I feel useless and that is what he is asking me to become.


    "I need the job to be happy, I don''t have anything, do you get that?''''


    he nods in understanding "are you happy right now, you still have the job but are you happy?''''


    I can''t even answer that question. I am so confused and I feel like I am going crazy.


    "I don''t know what to do, I am so confused,'''' I say and my voice is barely audible.


    I am a mess right now; I am the complete opposite of myself. I am scared and I can''t even make a decision.


    I just want everything to be okay again. I want my life to go back to normal and now I know what I need to do to get that.


    "I know it is hard but I think you know that you have to choose him. You can''t choose a job; other jobs will come. If you lose him because of this, you will only have regrets. Trust me, you have to make compromises in relationships."


    Lance is not right about everything but I also know that I will regret losing Trick over losing a position at a company.


    "Okay. I guess you are right,'''' I say finally.


    I guess I have to do this.


    I can''t live a life without Trick.


    He is the most important person in my life and I have to hold him with all I have inside me.


    No matter what.

 Chapter 208 - Resignation

    "A resignation letter?" Gill watches me with confusion on his face as he holds the paper in his grip.


    I am seated opposite him.


    "Yes,'''' I tell him coldly.


    I don''t want to hate him but this is all his fault if he didn''t kiss me at the club. I wouldn''t be here right now.


    "I don''t understand,'''' he says and I can''t help the tears from escaping my eyes. I am angry at him; I am angry at myself and I am angry at Trick for making me do this. Life doesn''t have to be this complicated. I don''t have to make hard decisions to make my relationship work. We should be able to continue with love and trust.


    "You don''t have to understand, this is not a good fit for me anymore," I tell him calmly. I still need to go to Michael''s office to explain this to him. He is the one that got me the job and I know Adina must have mentioned something to him already.


    I mean, there is no way that Trick didn''t already tell them everything.


    "Is this because of the kiss? I feel like this is my fault.''''


    I shake my head "No, this doesn''t have anything to do with you. I just don''t want to work here anymore. I am sorry.'''' I tell him.


    He is still gripping the letter tightly. I watch him as he tries to understand why I am doing this.


    "Okay,'''' he says and I watch him for a few seconds. It is the first time I hear him drop his guard. He is always so confident and cocky but right now, he just looks like a lost boy.


    "Okay,'''' I say and he nods.


    "I will go to Michael''s office and explain everything to him. I will also need you to collect the stuff that I have in the office.''''


    "Okay, I am really sorry about this,'''' he mutters quietly. I see the regret in his eyes but at the end of it all, I can''t put the blame on him. yeah, I wish I could but this is not his fault. This has just made me see that my relationship with Patrick is not as steady as I thought it was. We had a dent, just because of something trivial.


    I don''t know what else could make him act this way.


    I guess there is just a lot that I thought I had figured out that I haven''t. I don''t know if I will ever get him to trust me because now, after ten years, he still thinks I will leave him. Time isn''t going to make him believe that I am here for the long run. I don''t know what else I can do to prove that to him.


    I look at Gill one last time before I leave. I can see that he is not okay but I don''t know what I can say to make him believe me that this is not his fault.


    I guess I don''t know how to make people believe what I want them to believe.


    I leave his office and climb the stairs to Michael''s floor. Once I get to his office. His receptionist smiles at me.


    "Hey,'''' she beams happy to see me.


    she is the first person I met here and even though I have not seen her since the day I got the job, it reminds me of the feelings I had. The joy from the prospects of a new beginning. The way I felt when I was told that I got the job.


    I was happy.


    Now I am leaving the job for no God damn reason.


    "Hi, I am here to see Michael,'''' I tell her and she smiles. I don''t even remember her name.


    "Do you have an appointment?''''


    "No, but if you tell him it''s Jack, he will want to see me,'''' I tell her with a smile on my face.


    She reaches for the intercom and I watch her as she calls him "Sir, Mr. Brick is here to see you.''''


    She ends the call and smiles at me "He will see you now.''''


    I walk into his office and shut the door behind me. Michael is standing behind his desk. His arms crossed and he is looking at me with a stern expression on his face.


    "Sit down,'''' he says as I shut the door.


    I do as he says and I take the seat opposite his desk. He is looking at me with a stern expression that does not align with his personality. he is a happy person, he is always smiling and being friendly but right now, he isn''t.


    "So, what is happening?'''' he asks me.


    I look at him and I take a deep breath "I am resigning. I am sure you already know what happened.''''


    He raises his hand up to stop me from talking "Don''t come in here assuming I know anything. Be professional.'''' he tells me sternly.


    I hate that I am doing this.


    I wish someone would just be on my side.


    "I am sorry,'''' I tell him.


    I am not even sure I am sorry for the right reasons but I am not here to try and justify myself. "I am leaving because my relationship is important to me and I don''t want to do anything to jeopardize that.''''


    "You are going to regret this decision and end up resenting him,'''' he tells me blankly.


    He is not even trying to sugarcoat anything.


    "I am sure you mean well but this is my decision and I know what I am doing,'''' I tell him. Maybe this is me trying to convince myself. I don''t even know what I am doing anymore.


    I have to do this--for us.


    "Okay,'''' he says and he sighs. "You leave me no choice. Since you are not here for yourself, I am going to say what I have been meaning to say for a long time. I am not sure if you remember but when you came here for the interview, I told you that I wanted to hire you not just because of your qualifications but also because I have heard really good things about you from Adina. She told me that you are a hard worker and that you are responsible. I wanted to hire someone that will not take this job for granted and who will be committed to the company. I wanted to give you a chance to prove that you are that person and I am not sure if you are. I wanted to give you a chance to prove that you will not be like most people who come and go. I wanted to give you a chance to prove that you are worth my time and effort. I am not sure if you are that person anymore. I cannot measure your commitment because of this decision you are making. I do not think this is the best decision to make but I have no choice but to accept it."


    I thought Michael would be for my resignation but I don''t think he agrees with Trick.


    "I am sorry,'''' I murmur quietly because I have already made this decision and I need to do this to make my relationship work.


    "I am sorry too.''''

 Chapter 209 - Regrets

    Trick


    "You have to go back home,'''' Adina tells me with a serious expression plastered on her face. I know I am being a nuisance but I just want to figure out the shit that is going on in my head.


    I am acting a fool right now.


    I know that much. I have been thinking about the ultimatum I gave Jack. it was stupid and uncalled for but every voice in my head keeps telling me that it is the right thing to do.


    I don''t know if I can even say that it is jealousy. I mean, I hate knowing that he is working with the guy that kissed him but it is not just about the kiss anymore. For the kiss to even have happened, there must have been an attraction and if they keep working together, that attraction will grow and intensify. It is inevitable and all I know is that when it happens, I will be left behind.


    Telling him to leave the job was the only option I had and I hate myself for this. I know how much that job means to him and now I don''t even know how to fight all my insecurities.


    "I know."


    "He has been blowing up my phone Patrick, he wants to talk to you. You can''t keep ignoring his calls," she tells me.


    It has been a week and I feel like I have used up all the strength I have inside me, in staying away from him. This time away was supposed to make me feel better, get my head in check but I feel worse. I haven''t been able to sleep or eat and this stubbornness is not making things better. I am not even sure if I have the strength to face him right now.


    "I don''t know what to say to him Adi.'''' been


    "You love him, Patrick, I know you do. Have some faith in that love, have some faith in how well you know each other. Listen to the little voice in your head. I know it is hard because you are scared but you can do this," she tells me and I wish I had her faith. I wish I was as confident as she is.


    "This isn''t about fear, I feel like I have messed everything up,'''' I confess because I don''t like the way things turned out and maybe I have stayed away from the house because I am embarrassed with myself. I have been a fool; I have been the kind of person that I promised never to be.


    made the one person that I promised to always keep happy, sad and I don''t know how to rectify it all.


    "Go home. that is all he wants from you. If you keep this distance from each other, you will eventually drift apart."


    She is right. I have to face him at some point and I have to apologize for all the things I said and did.


    I have to find a way to make him see that I am not trying to control him, that I am not being a possessive boyfriend. I have to show him that I trust him, that I believe in us.


    "I will come with you,'''' she tells me.


    I just shake my head. "No, I need to do this on my own.''''


    "Okay, but you will call me when you get home, right?''''


    "I promise," I tell her and she smiles. I don''t know how long I have been stupid for but all I want is him. I don''t know if I am completely right in the head now but I just need to see him.


    I grab my phone from the counter table and my car keys next to it and walk out of the house "Thanks Adi,'''' I call out before I leave the house.


    I get into my car and pull out my phone to dial his number but I freeze. For some reason, I have a feeling that he is not going to answer my call. I try to shake this feeling off but I can''t.


    "Come on,'''' I mutter and press the call button. I bite down on my lower lip and wait for him to answer the phone. Almost immediately, it goes to his voicemail.


    "Jack, it''s me. I am sorry for all the things I said and did. I wasn''t thinking straight and I was scared. I know how much that job means to you and I shouldn''t have gone to the extent of telling you to leave it. I know that you are mad at me and I understand why. Please call me back, please. I love you." I hang up and put my phone away.


    I drive to the house and when I go up to the front door, I take a deep breath.


    His car is in the driveway, which means he should be home. I enter the front door; everything is just the way I remember it.


    I left our home in anger and now, it all just seems so farfetched. I have immediate regrets. I wish I handled things better.


    I check every room in the house but he is not home. This has me worried because it is almost six in the evening. He should be back from work.


    Right? been


    I go back downstairs and check the garage. I don''t even know why I am so worried about him. He can be late; he is an adult. I know that but I can''t help but feel this dread in my bones.


    He is not back from work and I try to tell myself that I am overthinking. I have to call Lance. Maybe he is with him.


    I dial Lance''s number and he answers on the first ring.


    "Hey,'''' he says calmly.


    "Is Jack with you?'''' I ask him and he is quiet for a minute. I just want to know that he is with him. At least, then I don''t have to worry. I have so much to apologize for and I need to see him first.


    "He should be home; I spoke to him like an hour ago." been


    "He isn''t here,'''' I tell him and he is quiet for a long time this time."


    "Do you think they kept him late at work?"


    Outside, I hear thunder and look out at the sky. It is about to rain and he is not here. This makes me worry even more.


    "He can''t be at work Patrick, he quit today.''''


    This is what I wanted but now that I am not so sure anymore.

 Chapter 210 - Come Back To Me Now

    Trick


    I check everywhere I can think of. I check his office, I check Lance''s house, just to be sure. I call his phone a million times. He is not answering my calls and I know he is hurting somewhere alone and it is all my fault. I pushed him to do something that he didn''t want to do.


    I made him quit, even though I knew how much it meant to him.


    I am a selfish motherfucker and I don''t blame him if he never forgives me.


    I know, I take all the blame for this but first I need to find him. I need to make sure he is okay. I drive around the city, calling his phone constantly, hoping that he will answer me. I drive to every place I can think of. I check the gym, the bar, the club, his favorite hangout spots, even the apartment he used to share with Lance.


    He is not anywhere I go. I am running out of places to look. I have done every place I can think of. He is nowhere to be found. I don''t know what to do. The skies are dark, as rain falls even heavier than when it started. I can barely see the roads and I know he hates when I drive in the rain.


    He wouldn''t have gone out, not when it is raining. I know this much about him. I know that he hates the rain. He hates getting the rain on him.


    I drive to the only place left, my gallery. I know this is the last place he would be at. He must be upset with me. I hurt him so badly and I don''t even know how I can ever make things right.


    I don''t know what I can do to make him forgive me.


    My heart is racing as I park my car in the parking lot. I get out of the car and run to the door. I take my keys out and open the door. I switch on the lights and look around. I don''t see him. I know he is not here. Trick has a key to the gallery because this place is as much his as it is mine. I trusted him in all aspects of my life, except the one that mattered the most. I couldn''t trust him and believe that he wouldn''t leave me.


    I made a mess of everything.


    I check every office, including mine. Maybe he came here, maybe he was looking for me and he didn''t find me. been


    I don''t know why but I know he is not here. This is when I notice that the door to the gallery is open. I walk out of the gallery and I see him. He is sitting on the floor, his knees drawn to his chest. His eyes are red and his face is wet with tears. He is shaking as he holds his knees tightly. Rain is pouring, he is wet, so I can''t even differentiate the tears from the rain. I run to him and kneel down. I see the expression on his face and I know that I have hurt him so badly. I have broken everything.


    "I am so sorry,'''' I tell him and he says nothing. I sit down next to him and hold him. He doesn''t say anything, he doesn''t even look at me.


    I know that I have hurt him and I have no idea how to fix this. I was just so scared; I saw my life falling apart and I reacted. I should have handled this better but all I could think of was protecting myself, from getting hurt. I am selfish and I am sorry. I take some deep breaths and look at him.


    I hold his hand and this is when he finally looks at me. His eyes are red and swollen. His lips are quivering and I can see the pain in his eyes. I want to kiss him and tell him that I am sorry but I know that he is too hurt to listen to me. been


    He is my world. He is the one person that I love the most in this world and I couldn''t even protect him.


    I don''t deserve him. been


    "Please, say something,'''' I beg him and he looks at me with his watery eyes. He is so sad and he is shaking. "Can we go inside, I need to get you warm,'''' I tell him because through all this, the rain is still pouring heavily. I try to help him up and he stands up. He is wearing his work clothes and they are drenched. Once we get inside, I help him out of his clothes once we are in my office. He is still crying, almost like the more I stay with him, the more the tears fall.


    I know he hates me right now; he can''t even look at me. He is so hurt and I know that I have no one to blame for this, but myself.


    I lead him into the bathroom and open the hot water in the tub. He is still in his boxers but his hands are covering his face. He is still sobbing and I know I need to do something.


    I grab a towel and put it on the floor next to the tub. I open the tub and hold my hand out to him. He looks at me and then at the tub. I can see in his eyes that he is still hurt but he doesn''t say anything. He takes my hand and I help him in the tub. He is shaking and it breaks my heart to see him like this. I reach out for the showerhead and turn the water on. I adjust the temperature of the water and step into the tub.


    I sit next to him and hold him close. I wrap my arms around him and hold him close to me. He is still shaking and I know that I am the reason for all this.


    "I did what you wanted. will you come back to me now?'''' he whispers so low in the dead of my night.


    I thought I couldn''t feel any worse but his words completely shatter me.


    Fuck.

 Chapter 211 - Broken Man

    Trick


    After the warm bath, I take him home. He hasn''t said a word. I have hurt him so badly that he is quiet.


    I need to make things right but I don''t know how to.


    I am too ashamed to even talk to him.


    Maybe when he rests through the night, we can talk about this.


    I pull up to the house and I take him inside. The rain is clearing up but I still use an umbrella to cover him as he walks inside. He is still quiet. I don''t expect to get the Jack I usually do. Right now, he is hurting.


    I lead him into the room and he walks over to the bed, Lying down on it immediately. He looks up at me and his eyes bore into mine "Can you stay with me,'''' he asks so quietly.


    I nod my head immediately and walk over to the bed, going under the covers immediately "I love you Trick; I love you so much,'''' he cries as he takes me in his arms.


    I feel like shit right now because I hate that I doubted him. I hate that I put him through so much shit just because of my selfishness.


    "I know'''' I tell him as I caress his head gently. "I know you do. I love you too and I need you to forgive me,'''' I beg him and he looks up at me.


    "Will you forgive me?'''' I ask him again and he nods. "I forgive you. I love you. I love you so much and I wouldn''t be able to live without you,'''' He says and his voice is breaking.


    I kiss him and after a moment, we pull apart. I look into his eyes and he is looking like an angel. "I am sorry I hurt you,'''' I tell him and he shakes his head.


    "You are not hurting me. I know you didn''t mean it. I know you love me and I love you too. I know you were just making sure that you were doing the right thing. I know you are just a little bit protective of me,'''' he cries in my arms and this doesn''t feel right.


    He is not being honest with me and eventually, he will have his breakdown. He is in denial because he doesn''t want to lose me. I get that but I can''t do anything about that right now because this is all my fault.


    I am the one that made him this way.


    I threatened to leave him if he didn''t leave his job, what did I expect him to do. I know my man and I know the love he has for me, of course, he wouldn''t stay at the job.


    We have been together for over ten years. That is a long time to throw things away and I wanted to throw our relationship away because of my fucking jealousy.


    I hate that I did this. I want to take it all back and I want to make things right but I don''t know how to do that right now.


    I hold him tightly and he just cries and cries. I cry with him. I am the cause of all this pain and I hate myself so much for this. I stay in his arms until he falls asleep and once, he does, I get up from the bed and walk out of the room. Even sleeping next to him right now is making me feel guilty. I don''t deserve to be in the comfort of his arms. I should be punished for my selfishness.


    My phone rings as I get into my office. It is Lance.


    "Yeah,'''' I answer him not even in the mood to have a conversation right now.


    "Did you find him?'''' he asks me worriedly.


    I completely forgot that I was supposed to update him. Everything happened so fast that I didn''t even remember.


    "Yeah, he was at the gallery,'''' I tell him.


    The fact that he came to my place of work, immediately after he quit his job just makes me even feel worse. Like, I took the one thing that was important to him away and he let me.


    How much more could I hurt him?


    "Is he okay?" he asks me.


    I let out a loud sigh because I don''t even know if he is okay "I feel like shit, I broke my man.'''' I tell him honestly because that is what it feels like right now.


    "What do you mean?'''' he asks me and I exhale loudly.


    "I did this to him. I am the cause of all this pain. I threatened to leave him if he didn''t quit his job and he did. He loves me that much. I broke the thing that was most important to him and even though he says he is okay right now; I am sure he will have a breakdown soon.'''' I cry.


    "You are being too hard on yourself, Trick. He could have stayed at the job and you would have stayed in the relationship. I think you are just trying to find a way to blame yourself for this.'''' he tells me and I think about his words.


    "You know, Lance, you are right. He would have stayed at the job and I would have stayed in the relationship because I love him so much. Why did I have to make him choose?"


    "Because you were scared and your fear made you a little selfish."


    I know that Lance is just trying to be diplomatic, I already know that this is my fault and I have to make things right.


    I will not let him lose the thing he loves the most.


    I will not let him resent me because that is what is going to happen if I accept this. I have to give him a chance to be free. I have to give him a chance to be happy and what I just did is take away his happiness and that is not how it is supposed to be when you love someone.


    "I will make this right Lance. I promise.''''

 Chapter 212 - One With You

    Jack


    I open my arms the next morning and he is not next to me. I jump up immediately because I start to panic. Last night couldn''t have been a dream. I made things right, I went to him, we are in a good place right now. I look at his pillow and the dent  that his head made is still there. I breathe heavily as I get out of the bed and walk out of the room. I go to the kitchen and he is there, making coffee "Hey,'''' he walks over to me immediately and plants a kiss on my lips. I grab him by his waist because I want more.


    I have missed him so much that it feels like I am home right now. He smiles into the kiss and pulls away from it "Hey, I made coffee. Want some?'''' he asks me and I shake my head.


    "I want you,'''' I tell him and he pulls away from me. His eyes open wide because I am being direct about it. I just want to know that things are good between us. Last night, I know I was acting weird. After submitting my resignation letter, I thought all I would feel is anger but I wasn''t even angry, I was just so sad and I needed him to comfort me and he was there. He stayed with me, he made me feel better. At the end of it all, it was just a job. The thought of losing Trick is the scariest thing ever and no job can replace it.


    I walk back to him as he starts to pour some coffee into his cup and he smiles as I take him in my arms "Haven''t you missed me?'''' I ask him, batting my lashes softly.


    "Oh, I missed you so much, you have no idea,'''' he leans into me and smashes his lips to mine. There is one thing I am sure of and that is, Trick cannot resist me. I feel him against me, he is already hard.


    My hands reach for him and he moans against my lips. I want to touch him, I want to taste him, I want to fuck him.


    He drops the cup in his grip down and I lead him to the living room. He sits on the couch and I kneel down in front of him. He looks down at me with those gorgeous eyes and he smiles.


    "Yeah, I missed you too,'''' I tell him in a low rumble as I pull his shorts down with his boxers and take him in my mouth.


    This is the taste I wanted.


    his is the feel of him. This is what I needed.


    He gasps the moment I do it and he tugs at my hair. I like the feel of his grip on my hair because it just makes me want him more. I want to please him and I want him to feel good. I want to make him feel the way I feel about him.


    He moves his hips and I get used to the rhythm of his movements. I surprise myself because I can do this. I can please him and I love that I can do this for him.


    His hand moves to the back of my head and he holds me close. He is getting closer and I can feel it. I can taste it. I want him to let go. I want him to feel good.


    "Oh, baby, I am so close. Please, please keep going. I need you; I need you so much.''''


    His words make me go crazy. I want him to feel good and I want to be the one who makes him feel this way. I want him to feel this way about me.


    "I love you, Trick."


    "I love you too, baby. I love you so much."


    I feel his grip tighten in my hair and I know that he is about to let go. I brace myself for it because I know what is coming.


    "Oh, baby. Oh, oh.'''' I feel the warm spray hit my throat and I swallow it down.


    I pull away from him slowly and look at him with his head resting on the back of the couch.


    He is breathing heavily and I look into his eyes.


    "I love you so much, baby,'''' he says as he leans forward until I am on top of him.


    "I love you too, Trick."


    I kiss him on the lips and he deepens the kiss. He helps me with my clothes and in an instant, we are both naked on the couch "Your turn,'''' his voice echoes sultrily. He lays on his back with me still on top of him and I watch him as he spreads his legs open for me. I use my fingers to get him ready and his body welcomes me. This is just more proof that he is mine and I am his. I will not fit perfectly in anyone else''s arms, the way I fit in his. No one else will feel right.


    it is me and him against the word.


    it is just him and me.  I just want to be with him. I just want to be close to him. I just want to feel him.


    "You know, I did it for you. I did it to give us a chance.'''' I tell him as he looks at me.


    "I know, I know," he tells me and I slowly enter him. He gasps the moment I do it and I stop. I wait for him to adjust to it.


    He wraps his arms around me and he holds me close to him. He closes his eyes as I push into him deeper, my heart is racing, the pleasure is intense.


    I can feel him breathe against my neck; I can feel his heartbeat against mine. He is so close to me.


    I savor it, I take it in and I love it.


    "I love you so much, baby,'''' he whispers in my ear and I push into him deeper.


    "I love you too, Trick.''''


    He pulls away from me and looks at me. We both smile at each other and he kisses me on the lips.


    It is a kiss that says it all as I go deeper into him, reveling in the sounds he makes. We keep moving, and I keep pushing, wishing I could merge into him and become one. That is how sex with Trick always makes me feel.


    One with him


    Nothing else matters.

 Chapter 213 - Consolation

    Trick


    "I didn''t fire him, he left on his own. What are you asking me to do now?'''' Michael asks me with furrowed brows. His voice is cold. I have known Michael for a long time. He has been married to Adina for over fifteen years. He has been a good friend, he accepted me when I didn''t have anyone. Adina took me in, when I left home. She was the only one that believed I could be so much more than I was and that is why I will always be grateful to her and her husband but right now, the way he is looking at me is not one that I like.


    He is upset with me and he doesn''t even have to say it.


    This is all my fault. I wanted Jack to quit and now that he has, I am asking him to take him back.


    "I don''t want him to leave your company. I wish you would give him a second chance."


    He shakes his head, probably in disbelief "Does he want a second chance?''''


    I haven''t asked him or even told him anything about this but I wanted to see if there was a shot first.


    "Yes, he does. He made a mistake and it was all my fault. I was being childish and petty and I messed things up for him.''''


    "Life doesn''t work this way. You can''t just behave any way you want just because you want to.'''' he scowls at me. I watch his wife as she reaches for his hand and gives it a squeeze. Adina is the only one that is able to calm him down and right now he is angry. All because of me.


    "I know that.''''


    "You should have thought about this before you forced him to quit his job. How would it look on his resume?''''


    he points out and I feel bad about it. I was being selfish.


    "I am sorry, I didn''t think about it.''''


    "Well, that is the problem with you. You don''t think before you act. You just do things and you expect everyone else to fix things for you.''''


    he says and I can feel my cheeks burning.


    "I am trying to make things right; I just need you to help me. It has just been two days. if you could just disregard his letter, then he could go back to the office as if nothing happened.''''


    "It happened, I can''t just act like it didn''t, and what happens the next time you are jealous of someone else? Maybe you should just keep the man in a cage, that way he would be with you at all times."


    He is being a jerk but I deserve it. Nothing he has said tonight is wrong. My phone vibrates on the table and I reach for it, because I know it is him. Jack spent the day with Lance because he didn''t want to be alone and I had to work. With everything that has happened, I feel even worse. He isn''t even talking about getting a new job. I know it has just been two days, but I expected him to even talk about finding something else. The fact that he hasn''t, just makes me even think I broke him.


    Jack: Where are you?


    I read his message and look up at the two of them. Michael is still glaring at me, he is not over it and I don''t blame him "I have to go,'''' I tell them with a faint smile.


    Adina lets go of her husband and stands up "I will walk you out,'''' she tells me as she comes over to me.


    I head in the direction of the front door "Let him come by on Monday, and I need this to be the last time,'''' He stops me and I turn to look at him.


    I nod my head "Yes, I will.''''


    We say our goodbyes and I find myself back in the car with Adina next to me "you know he means well,'''' she tells me, trying to defend her man.


    I don''t blame Mike; this is all my fault and everything he said is true.


    I have been a monster and I need to make things right.


    "He''s not wrong,'''' I tell her as I enter the car.


    I give Adina a wave and give her a sad smile. I look at the text message from Jack and send him a quick reply. I get home and he is waiting for me in the living room. The tv is on and blaring loudly but he jumps up immediately he sees me.


    "You''re home,'''' he says as he walks over to me and pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms around him and I inhale his scent. He has showered and already changed into his pajamas.


    He pulls away from me and looks into my eyes "Why are you crying?'''' he asks me and wipes a tear that is rolling down my cheek. I shake my head and look away from him. I didn''t even notice my tears.


    "Wanna tell me what happened?''''


    "Michael told me that he would let you come back to work on Monday," I tell him because I don''t want to talk about how shitty I feel right now. I messed everything up and talking to Michael today just made me feel even worse than I already did.


    "What?'''' he creases his brows in confusion.


    "I asked him to give you your job back. I want you to go back to work."


    He looks at me with a serious expression "You should have asked me first."


    "I know, but it is done now. He said he will let you back in on Monday."


    He shakes his head and I feel like a weight has been lifted off me "I don''t want to go back."


    "What? Why?'''' I ask him in surprise.


    "You should have asked me; I don''t want to go back." He walks away from me and I watch him as he walks up the stairs and away from me. I don''t know what is happening but it feels like I have done something to mess things up again.


    I don''t think I can do anything right at this point.

 Chapter 214 - Make Things Work No Matter What

    Jack


    I don''t want to do this anymore.


    this back and forth.


    This controlling behavior.


    I don''t want to get upset. I am trying to be everything that he wants but he is making it so hard for me to do that.


    I did what he wanted.


    I tried to get him to see things from my perspective. I tried to make him change his mind. For a whole week, I called him, I sent him texts, I tried to get him to talk to me. He left me with threats all because of a fucking job that didn''t even mean shit. Because of a man that I didn''t even think about. Gill meant nothing and he still doesn''t mean shit to me but I understood where he was coming from. The jealousy, I could relate to it because if the tables were turned, I would feel the same way. I would be jealous of the man. I would want him to quit too but I wouldn''t actually ask him to.


    I would respect his decision. I would trust him but he didn''t trust me--and I understood. If I hadn''t lied to him, maybe things would be different but it all happened and I didn''t want to dwell on it.


    I did what he wanted.


    I gave him what he wanted and now that is not even enough.


    I am trying, I am trying to be the perfect boyfriend but that is all he wants me to be. I am not allowed to have my own feelings, my own needs, my own wishes. I just have to deal with whatever he gives me because he is my boyfriend and it is my duty to accept anything he throws at me.


    "Hey, let''s talk about this, don''t just walk away from me.'''' he walks into the room and grabs my arm gently.


    I shake my head because I have nothing to say. I don''t know what he expects from me anymore.


    "talk to me Baby,'''' he pleads. Times like this, he makes me weak. I am not strong enough to fight him. I love him so much but he is making it harder and harder.


    "I have nothing to say to you. What do you want me to say?''''


    He lets go of my arm "Anything, tell me why you are upset. Help me understand.''''


    The fact that he doesn''t even know why I am upset, just makes this even worse. He doesn''t know what I want because he doesn''t listen to me. He says things to make me feel better but he doesn''t do anything to help me feel better. "I am upset because you are making me do something that I don''t want to do again.''''


    "What do you mean?'''' he looks confused.


    "I mean it is like you are asking me to do this all over again. You are asking me to do this again.''''


    "Baby, I want to understand.''''


    "You should understand without me having to explain to you.''''


    "I don''t know what the right thing is, help me so that I can be better.''''


    I shake my head because he is here, he is listening to me but he is not really listening to me. At the end of everything, Patrick is just doing what will make him feel better.


    "What do you want me to say?''''


    "I want you to say something. Tell me so that I know, so that I can be better."


    I take a deep breath because there is no winning this argument. He is blind to my feelings; he is trying to make himself feel better.


    "I don''t want the job, so you can go back and tell Michael that I wouldn''t be coming in on Monday. Thank you for the help.''''


    I walk away from him and walk into the bathroom. he doesn''t follow me and for that second, I am thankful. I am really trying to make this work. I am trying o be the best I can for him but I am afraid that I don''t know how to be that for him anymore. I rest my back on the door and slide down until I am seated on the floor.


    "I love you so much Jack, I love you so much that I hate that I acted so selfish. I hate that I made you do something you didn''t want to. I wish I could take it back but I know it is already too late, that is why I am trying to make things right. I should have talked to you first before talking to Mike, I made a mistake but I want to be better, I want to do right by you. I don''t want to fail you,'''' I hear him through the door. My heart thuds in my chest because I know he is being sincere. He is trying to do what is right.


    I don''t know why or how I am going to do this but I know that he is willing to try. I am willing to try too. I want to try. I want to try again because I love him. This is not the end of us. I am not giving up on us.


    I stand up and open the door, he is seated on the floor, just like me. There are tears in his eyes. The kind that I promised to never let him shed again. I love him so much that I would do anything to keep those tears from coming, to keep him happy and smiling.


    I kneel in front of him. I take his hand and I place it on my chest. "I love you so much and I am willing to do whatever I have to do to make this work. I am willing to try, I am willing to get better. I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep us together.''''


    He looks up at me with those beautiful eyes. I reach out and wipe his tears away.


    will never let him cry again. I will spend the rest of my life making sure that he is happy.


    I will never make him cry again.. No matter what, I will make this work.

 Chapter 215 - Communication

    Jack.


    "Can we talk now?'''' his voice is low. The room is dark and we are both sprawled on our king-sized bed. My arms are wrapped around his waist because I don''t want to let him go anytime soon.


    His breathing is soft as he pulls me closer to him.


    "Yeah,'''' I tell him because, after our fight, we didn''t talk about what lead to it in the first place.


    I have to use my words, tell him how I feel about everything. I have had these expectations in my mind for so long that he would be able to tell how I was feeling without me even saying anything and we might be in sync most of the time, but he is not a mind reader.


    "I thought you didn''t want to quit the job. It seemed like it meant a lot to you,'''' he says and I can hear the confusion in his voice. It would have been so easy to just let that fight go because he never asked me what I was thinking. He just assumed and he acted out on it.


    Yeah, the job meant a lot to me because for a while now, I have felt so empty--yeah, I have Trick and he has been perfect but it just was never enough. I wanted more and I still do.


    "Do you know why I was upset?'''' I ask him because I want to know where his head is at.


    He sits up on the bed and pulls me up with him. I stay in his arms because I am still not ready to let go of him.


    He kisses my forehead and I bury my face in his chest. I close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat, it is soothing.


    "No, I don''t know why you were upset, I thought I did but I am not sure anymore,'''' his voice is soft.


    I like that we are communicating. At the end of everything that has happened between us, I want us to be able to talk about how we feel. I don''t ever want to bottle up emotions because at the end of everything, I would just explode it all out and by then, it might be too late.


    "You didn''t ask me before you went to Michael,''''  I tell him and he pulls back to look at me.


    "You are right, I didn''t ask you. I should have asked you but I just wanted to do something for you. I knew you were not happy and I knew it was all my fault. I wanted to make things right and I thought getting you your job back was the way to do that."


    "Are you over the thing between me and gill?'''' I ask him because I know that he isn''t. At the end of it all, working in the same place with Gill even though I know that he feels something for me would still cause problems between us.


    "I will learn to handle it. I will try,'''' he tells me


    and I can''t help but smile. He is willing to try and he is willing to go through whatever it takes to make things work.


    "I want you to be happy,'''' he tells me and for a moment, I don''t know what to say.


    "I am happy. I am happiest when I am with you. You are everything to me Trick.'''' I tell him and I mean it. He is saying that he will learn to control his jealousy and insecurities but I am not able to handle it. I don''t want to have to worry about his feelings every day when I go to work. I don''t want him thinking the worst and trying to stay strong.


    He doesn''t like the guy and what Gill did was very inappropriate, he kissed me and that will never change. I don''t want to be in that situation again.


    I don''t want him to feel that kind of hurt again. I know that he is sorry and that he is willing to do anything to make it up to me but I also know that he would still have that looming over his head and it will end up causing problems in our relationship.


    "I don''t want to go back, I will find something else,'''' I tell him with a smile.


    "I don''t feel good about everything that has happened. I hate the person that I became, I don''t want to be that person again,'''' he covers his face with his hands, I reach for him because I don''t want him to beat up himself for this.


    "I just want you to trust me, I wish I could throw all your insecurities out of the window and make you see how amazing you are,'''' I tell him because that is how I feel.


    He sits up and pulls me into his lap.


    "I don''t know how I am going to do this but I know that I will try. I promise you that I will never let this happen again, I will trust you and I will try to let go of my insecurities. I want you to be happy and I don''t want to be the reason for you not being happy.''''


    I kiss him and I can feel the tears in my eyes. I feel like we are finally moving past all the shit that has been holding us back from being happy. We are finally heading in the right direction and I am so happy that we were able to sit down and talk about it.


    that is all it took.


    One conversation.


    "I am going to look for something else for you, can I do that?'''' he asks me calmly. I shake my head immediately because, at the end of all that has happened, I think I need to do this on my own. When he helped me get the job with Michael, I was upset and maybe it was the tiny part of me that felt like I couldn''t do it on my own. I just need to figure out my shit on my own, I can''t keep depending on him to do everything for me.


    "I have to do this on my own,'''' I tell him.


    He smiles "okay. I trust you."

 Chapter 216 - One Of Those Days

    Lance


    "My baby,'''' Mom pulls me into her arms in a very suffocating hug. I groan out loud because this is how it always is. I am a grown-ass man and she still treats me like the sixteen-year-old child I was.


    "Hello mother,'''' I call her as she pulls away from me slowly. Her eyes are bright and shiny, the happiness is obvious in them. "Why isn''t John here?'''' I ask her. He was supposed to come over with her. That was the plan. I don''t want Ford to come back and not see him.


    Their relationship has been going so well but there are times where he gets confused and forgets, right now, he is in a good place. We are in a good place. "He should be here in a couple of hours, he had some work stuff to do,'''' she tells me entering the house with her bags.


    It has been a while since we had them over and I thought this was a good time, since Arlo is here. She has been crying to meet him all week.


    "Where is my grandson?'''' she walks further into the room. It is Saturday and Ford took him out for ice cream and a movie. I kind of wanted him to bond with Arlo because I have been the one spending the most time with him. Arlo is still in his shell but as each day passes, he loosens up a little bit. I know that we are not at that place where he is comfortable with us but I know we will get there.


    The kid is just confused and scared. I don''t even think he fully understands what is happening.


    Ford took him out for ice cream,'''' I tell her and she claps her hands together.


    "What? When is he getting here?'''' she asks me and I turn to look at the door because I hear the sound of footsteps.


    "He is here," I tell her with a smile and she turns around to look at the door.


    Ford walks in with Arlo in his arms. Arlo is holding an ice cream cone and his eyes are wide. He is looking around in awe and I can see that he is taking everything in. I think he is terrified but he seems to like it. Ford is smiling and talking to him gently. I can tell he is trying to get him comfortable.


    "Arlo,'''' Mom smiles at him and walks to him. He looks down at his shoes and hides his face in Ford''s shirt. "It''s okay,'''' she tells him and Ford puts him down on the floor. Arlo takes a few steps backward and looks around for a place to hide.


    "It''s okay, he is just scared. Give him some time,'''' Ford tells her and she nods.


    "Hi, Arlo. I am your grandma. You can call me Marybelle if you want to,'''' she tells him and he looks up at her. He is still tense and a little scared but I think he is slowly getting used to her.


    I walk up to him and crouch down. "Hey buddy,'''' I smile at him and he looks up at me and I watch him as he stretches his arms to me. These are the little things that make my heartbeat. He doesn''t show affection, he barely talks but when I take him in my arms, I know that he feels safe.


    know that he feels loved.


    "I think he wants you,'''' Ford chuckles and I smile at him. I pull Arlo into my arms and he cuddles into me immediately. Mom smiles and I look at her "he is going to need to get used to you before he opens up,'''' I explain because that is how it was with me, and it is still not perfect now but we are getting there.


    It is slow progress.


    "I understand,'''' she tells me and I smile at her. "I am not going anywhere; I am going to be here until he gets comfortable with me.'''' she winks.


    "where is dad?'''' Ford asks immediately, his eyes searching around.


    They are just here until Sunday. Ford has been looking forward to this.


    "He had something to do, he is going to be here later,'''' Mom tells him and I look at Ford. He is not happy. He doesn''t like that John is not here. Sometimes, I cannot tell what is going on in his head. Most times, he is able to handle his emotions. Right now, he is on new meds, so I am kind of wary about how I act around him. It''s been about a month since he got on them and so far, it has been good for him.


    He isn''t getting angry as much and he is not going into his shell. "Is this another one of his hold-ups, is he actually going to come?'''' he asks.


    I am watching him because I need to know when to change this conversation or drag him away from the situation. Mom is also very good at diffusing situations with him.


    "Let me get him on the phone, we were supposed to drive together but I was too impatient to see my grandkid," she explains grabbing her phone from her purse.


    I hold onto Arlo as I walk over to him.


    "He will be here,'''' I assure him, to diffuse whatever thoughts are roaming around his mind.


    Mom ends her conversation and smiles at us "He is on his way, just a bit of traffic,'''' she tells us. "Can I have him?'''' she asks me, her eyes fixed on Arlo, who is clinging unto me as if his life depends on it.


    "Sure,'''' I tell her, as she goes over to his face and my back "Can I hold you?'''' she asks him calmly. I can''t see his face but I can feel him clinging. "Just a second,'''' she pleads. I smile because I love this so much. The relationship I have with my mother. The joy in her eyes right now, for having the opportunity to share this with us.


    Slowly, I feel him loosen up in my arms and I feel her lift him off me "There we go, come to grandma." she smiles at him and he burrows his face in her chest.


    "You are my sweet boy,'''' she whispers to him.  I smile to myself as I watch them. It is the first time I have seen my mother like this. I am sure that when she was younger, she was like this too.  I remember when I was younger, I would wake up from a nightmare and run to her and she would hug me and I would feel safe in her arms.


    I look over to Ford and he is staring at them too. "I think this is a good start,'''' I whisper to him and he smiles. "I think so too.''''


    I watch them for a while and I feel Ford''s hand on my shoulder. "Are you okay?" I ask him because I can tell he isn''t.


    "Just feeling a little weird,'''' he answers honestly.


    It''s okay, you are doing a great job." I tell him and I mean that. He has been doing so much better.


    We watch them for a little while longer and then I grab his hand in mine "Do you want to go lie down for a bit?''''


    He nods immediately and I watch him as he walks to the direction of the stairs.


    "Is he okay?'''' Mom asks.


    I nod because this is just one of those days.


    "He will be fine."

 Chapter 217 - The End Of An Episode

    Lance


    A couple of hours go by and John arrives. Immediately he walks in through the door, my heart jolts in my chest. "You are here,'''' I exclaim with relief. It is not that I didn''t believe he was going to come but John is always busy with work. I just thought there would be a delay and it would end up affecting Ford.


    Things are great with us but sometimes, I have to take things lightly with him. I have to be calm and controlled in situations that could lead to an episode. Right now, his father showing up would refrain from one.


    "Is he good?'''' he asks me as he drops his bag on the floor near the door.


    I nod because he is still in bed, mom is with Arlo, so I was left waiting for the man of the hour.


    "He just thought you wouldn''t show up but I am sure he would be fine now that you are here,'''' I tell him.


    I see the worry in his eyes. John is the one person that did a three-sixty on my expectations. There was a time where I saw him as a monster. The fear Ford had for the man-made me think he was despicable but getting to know him and being a member of his family for more than ten years has shown me how good of a man he is.


    I know he loves his son.


    I feel it whenever he is around Ford.


    He has this aura of protection, care, and love that makes it impossible to think otherwise. Even though he is not here all the time, I know he has an idea about everything that goes on. He is always calling, till now, he still speaks to Ford''s doctors. He is the one that even helped us come across this new medication.


    "Do you want to go and wake him up?'''' he asks me worriedly.


    I know I can''t just wake him up, he would come down when he is ready. I usually just let him sleep out whatever he is feeling. I shake my head and tell him, "No, he will come down when he is ready.''''


    John looks a bit disappointed but he understands. We sit together on the couch; I am in the middle and he is on the side. We are quiet for a while, we don''t talk "Can I see the kid?'''' he asks even though he doesn''t have to.


    I nod and we head upstairs to Arlo''s room. The sight I see is heartwarming--my mother on his tiny little bed with him, a book in her hands. I didn''t think he would acclimate to her this quick but this makes me overwhelmed with joy.


    "Oh wow,'''' I mutter as I walk in. They both look up at me, mom with a wide smile.


    "He is a fan of Humpty Dumpty, we have read it about three times already," she tells us, my heart pitter-patters.


    She is such a good influence on the little one.


    "Oh, you are here,'''' she exclaims when she notices her husband. She waves for him to come over and he does that. I slide out of the room and go to mine. It is dark when I walk in and I see Ford sprawled on the bed under the covers. I walk over to the bed and sit at the edge. I can tell that he is awake but sometimes, he doesn''t like to be bothered. I just sit there, silent, waiting for him to say something.


    "He''s here,'''' I whisper.


    He shuffles on the bed but remains quiet. Sometimes, I let him wallow in his misery but tonight I kind of want him with his family. I don''t want him to sleep and forget that his father came. I want him to feel the love and care his father has extended to him. I reach for the covers and go under with him. He turns around immediately and his eyes meet mine.


    "I don''t know why I feel so down, I just feel really tired and sad,'''' he confesses. "I know it makes no sense and I don''t know why I keep going back to the past and thinking that things will go back to the way they were.''''


    His fears are rational and I don''t want to remind him that he is like this because of his bipolar disorder. Yeah, the meds help but sometimes, his emotions are stronger than any medication. No matter how strong it is.


    "It''s, fine, he is here now and that is all that matters.''''


    He nods and pulls me closer to his arms. I rest my head on his chest because the fact that he is letting me come close to him tonight is progress.


    Sometimes, he doesn''t want to talk to me, and sometimes, he yells, he causes fights and there are times that it is tough. There are times that he has hurt me--unintentionally. Like one time, we had an argument, he threw a glass on the floor and a shard hit my face.


    it is hard but at the end of all those fights and sadness, the moods and the rough patches, I know that we will be okay. I know we will get through it because I love him and he loves me.


    It is late when we come out of the room and we go downstairs. His dad is sitting on the couch and he is watching television. He looks up when we come down and he smiles. "Hey, kiddo,'''' he greets his son with a warm smile.


    Ford smiles back and I know he is okay.


    This is not the end of Ford''s problems; his illness is not going away. It will never go away but we will get through it together. Just like we have been doing for the past ten years.


    "Hey dad,'''' he says back.


    I come next to them and sit on the floor. "Did you guys have dinner?'''' I ask them.


    "No, we were waiting for you,'''' his dad tells me.


    "I will get everything ready then'''' I tell them.


    I walk into the kitchen and hear their murmurs. A smile sprawls on my face because I know he is okay again.


    That is all that matters to me.

 Chapter 218 - The Call

    Jack


    "Hey," Trick whispers into my ear. I open my eyes and he is watching me over the bed. "Hey back,'''' I smile at him as he presses his lips to mine." I know he is going to work; this is what he usually does every morning when he gets up, make sure he tells me goodbye.


    "Off to work?'''' I ask him as I rub out the sleep from my eyes.


    "Yeah," he pulls away from me and I see that he is dressed up already. "do you have any plans for today,'''' he asks me.


    I shake my head because I haven''t really felt up to doing anything this past week. A part of me doesn''t even want to apply for any new jobs, I have just been feeling lazy about everything.


    "Oh, what about Lance, do you want to spend the day with him?'''' he asks me. I can tell that he is worried about me.


    Things are great between us but he has just been so cautious about everything he says or does. At least, anything that has to do with me.


    "He is starting work today, Arlo is starting school, so he didn''t see the need of keeping his leave extended," I tell him.


    he doesn''t want me to be alone but I don''t mind being alone. Lance is really the only friend I have and I like things that way. Eren is in France, so we kind of drifted along those years.


    "Oh, want to come with me to the gallery, I could find something for you to do?'''' he suggests and I groan out immediately.


    "No way, I am fine,'''' I assure him, standing up and walking over to him. His eyes roam around the room and I know he is making sure everything is ok.


    "You''re not fine, you''re not working, and you''re not going to be with Lance,'''' he says to me.


    I huff and try to hold back a laugh. "So, are you always going to bother about what I should be doing on a daily?'''' I ask him amused by how cute he is.


    He is so worried about me and I love him for that.


    "It''s my job!'''' he answers me, taking my hand in his.


    "Your job is to make art, not to worry about me.'''' I tell him and he pulls me in for a hug. "what are you doing?'''' I ask him but he doesn''t let go.


    "You''re my art,'''' he whispers into my ear and I feel my heart flutter a little.  "that''s why I have to worry about you,'''' he explains, pulling away from me and looking me in the eyes.


    "You are the best thing I have ever done, and I''m not going to lose you.'''' I can''t help but smile at him.


    "You''re going to work now, and I''m going to apply for jobs. if nothing works out, then I will go to the gallery with you.'''' I tell him.


    "You''re going to apply for jobs?'''' he asks me, sounding surprised.


    I nod at him and he kisses my forehead.


    "Good luck,'''' he whispers and I smile at him. He holds my hand in his and I squeeze it, realizing he is about to leave me. "See you tonight, ok?'''' I say to him.


    He nods at me and then walks out the door. I sit on the bed for a while, watching him leave. I walk into the bathroom and take a quick shower to start my day. Trick thinks I am going to apply for jobs but I font think I want to right now.


    shower and then I get dressed in some comfortable clothes. I am not really in the mood to apply for jobs. I walk out of my room and go to the kitchen to make something for breakfast.


    If I eat a little, I might be able to apply for jobs a little later.


    I make some toast and then I sit down on the couch to eat. I look at my phone and I see that I have a few Instagram notifications. I respond to them all and put on the tv. I don''t know how I feel about being this idle, but I don''t even feel like doing anything. I spend a couple of hours watching the same tv show and I realize that it is already noon.


    I want to talk to Lance, so I call him up. He picks up on the first ring.


    "Hey, what''s up?'''' he says.


    "Not much, how is it being back to work?'''' I ask him because I don''t have anything else to say or talk about.


    "It''s okay, how''s the job hunt going?'''' he asks me and suddenly it seems like that is all everyone wants to talk about.


    It''s not great, but I will try to apply for some jobs later today.'''' I say to him.


    "Good, do you want me to come over after work and then we can scout together?'''' he asks me.


    "What about Arlo?'''' I ask him.


    "Ford is at home today, he doesn''t have any appointments with his editor,'''' he tells me. I don''t want him to come over because I don''t want to scout for jobs right now.


    Ah, but I have to go to the gallery with Trick tonight,'''' I tell him even though it is not true. I don''t want to talk about getting a job or looking for a job right now.


    "Oh, okay. Are you sure you are, okay?'''' he asks me. I can tell he is worried. I can tell that he wants to ask me what is wrong, but he doesn''t.


    "Yeah, I''m good,'''' I tell him because I am good. I just have to figure out what I want to do with my life.


    "Okay, I will check up on you later,'''' he tells me and ends the call.


    My phone rings again just as I end the call with Lance and I see an unknown number. I don''t know who could be calling nut I answer it anyway.


    "Jack,'''' I hear the voice and recognize it immediately. I don''t know why he is calling me and what he wants from me. "Don''t hang up,'''' he rushes, his voice shaking.


    "Why are you calling me?''''


    He sighs into the phone "can we meet up?"


    I close my eyes with the phone pressed to my ear. I can''t deal with this right now. "I need to just talk to you, please don''t say no,'''' he begs me.


    "I can''t do this Gill. I beg you, please just leave me alone.'''' I tell him as I hang up. My hands are shaking as I clutch the phone in my hand.


    I haven''t done anything but somehow, it feels like I have.

 Chapter 219 - Vulnerability

    Trick


    I walk into the front door and I see him on the small chair by the door. He looks up immediately he sees me and I smile at him, even though I can tell that something is wrong.


    "Hey, I stretch my hand out and he takes it in his. I pull him closer to me and he rests his face in the crook of my neck "How was your day?'''' I ask him.


    His grip on my hand tightens and I can tell my question makes him think about his day. "Okay'''' he says and I can tell he is lying, so I tighten my grip on him just a bit more. I look into his eyes and I can tell that he is trying to tell me something.


    "Are you okay?'''' I ask him.


    He shakes his head and I see that he is fighting back tears. jack is not emotional, he has control of his feelings--most times but recently, it feels like he is trying so hard. I don''t know what is going on.


    "Something happened and I need to tell you,'''' he mutters still in my arms.


    I move him away from me so I can look at him full in the face. "Jack, what happened?'''' I ask him. He closes his eyes and I can tell that this is really hard for him. I don''t like that he is finding it hard to tell me something. I mean, we are supposed to be able to talk to each other about anything but it seems like he is scared of talking to me.


    I don''t want that.


    "Jack, please...."


    He looks at me and I can see that he is trying to stop his tears "Promise me you won''t be upset,'''' he tells me.


    I furrow my brows because he is just confusing me now "I won''t get upset, I promise.'''' I tell him because I need him to know that he shouldn''t be afraid to talk to me. I know this is happening because of that kiss and everything that happened with it. He is still walking on eggshells around me.


    "He called me today,''''


    I know who he is talking about. like I said, this has to do with the kiss. We are back to the kiss again.


    "Why? what did he want?'''' I ask him.


    He closes his eyes for a second "I don''t know, I didn''t give him the chance to say anything. I didn''t want to upset you.'''' he breathes out.


    I know what this is.


    This is all my fault.


    I have made my partner weak.


    I somehow messed with how good we were.


    He is crying right now because of a call. something so insignificant but because of me, I made it something big.


    "Jack, look at me,'''' I tell him. He doesn''t and I grab his chin and force him to look at me. I can see the tears in his eyes and the pain written on his face. I hate that I am doing this to him. "I am sorry,'''' I tell him, looking at the ground because I know what this is my fault. I didn''t mean to do this. I didn''t mean to ruin our relationship this much. "I am sorry,'''' I tell him again, looking in his eyes. "I am sorry,'''' I say again and I can''t take it anymore. I need to apologize for being such a terrible boyfriend.


    "I don''t understand,'''' he manages probably confused.


    "You haven''t done anything wrong. You can take his call; you can talk to other guys. I made you weak. I made you vulnerable. I am sorry,'''' I tell him and I just can''t take it anymore, I pull him in for a hug. He cries into my shirt and I just hold him close. I am sorry.


    **************************


    Once Jack finally sleeps, I leave the room and go down the stairs. I said it before, deep down. I knew that I had messed things up but I thought things were repairable--fuck, I have to fix this but I don''t know what to do.


    I made a mess of things and I don''t know what to do to fix it.


    It is eleven in the night; I should be asleep but I can''t with everything.


    I decide to go for a walk and think about what I have done.


    I don''t even know how long I walk for until I find myself in Lance''s house. I need to talk to someone and I know that it is late and this is weird but I have run out of options. I can''t leave things like this because it is only going to get worse. He is not okay; he says he is but I can tell.


    Something is going on and I don''t know how to fix it.


    I grab my phone from my pocket and dial his number. I see his light brighten from the window and I know I just woke him up as he answers the call.


    "Hey, is everything okay?'''' he asks immediately.


    "Yeah, I just need to talk to you. Did I wake you up?'''' I ask him.


    "No, I was awake. What is wrong?'''' he asks me. I know he is lying, probably so I don''t feel bad for waking him up.


    "Can you come out for a sec?"


    I see his shadow and I know he is coming out. "Yeah, I will be right there,'''' he says and ends the call.


    I wait by the door and I hear footsteps approaching. The door opens and I see Lance standing in front of me in his pajamas. "What''s going on?'''' he asks me and I look at him. I just need someone to talk to.


    "I messed things up with Jack,'''' I tell him and he gives me a weird look.


    "How bad?'''' he asks me and I bite my lip. I want to tell him that I made him weak and that I ruined our relationship.


    I open my mouth to say it but I can''t.


    "Tell me what happened,'''' he tells mend I know that he is waiting for me to tell him.


    I take a deep breath and I start telling him everything. "I just drove him crazy because of that fucking kiss. everything in our relationship falls back to it. I don''t know what to do."


    I am talking to him, hoping I can do better.


    Be better.

 Chapter 220 - Love Is Enough

    Lance


    Looking at Patrick right now, I am confused.


    I don''t know what he wants from Jack. I don''t know the right words to say to him to make this better. I know that Jack is acting weird, even when I spoke to him today, I could tell that something was off but I wanted to give him some time to get back to his normal self.


    It is not easy to sacrifice something that makes you happy for the one you love and he did that.


    He left the job that brought him out of his shell to make Patrick happy. I don''t know what Patrick is expecting but he can''t just bounce back so easily.


    "Have you told him how you feel about what is going on?'''' I ask Patrick because I want to know what he is even doing about everything that is happening.


    "No, I don''t even know what is going on.''''


    From what I can gather, Gill--the guy from the office called Jack and he freaked out. He broke down because he was terrified that it would cause more problems in their relationship.


    He is just reacting to being controlled.


    "Have you tried talking to him without being controlling?'''' I ask Patrick.


    "No. I don''t know what to say to him.''''


    I look at Patrick and he looks so lost right now. I have never seen him this helpless. He is always the one who takes charge of everything and he is always the one who knows what to say and do but not today.


    I put my hand on his shoulder and give him a reassuring smile.


    "He will come around. I''m sure he is just overwhelmed by everything that has happened.''''


    I don''t want to put the blame on Patrick because, at the end of it all, they are in a relationship together. They have both made mistakes and they need to work through them together.


    "I feel like I broke him, he is not the same anymore.''''


    He is just lost right now; he doesn''t know what to do and the only thing he can do is wait for Jack to come back to him. He has to give him time to be alone and think about what he wants.


    I want to say something to make him feel better but I know that all I can do is to be here for him and support him.


    I have no idea what Jack is going through right now but I hope he will be coming around soon.


    "You should talk to Jack again and tell him how you feel about this situation. It is not something that can be fixed overnight.''''


    He nods at me and I know he knows that. Something has changed in their relationship and it is all because of how Patrick wanted to control Jack. Yeah, they still love each other but there is a crack in their relationship. one that can be mended.


    It will be hard; it might take some time but I know that they will get through this. The love they have for each other will be the glue that they need to make this work.


    "I should go back to him,'''' he says slowly running his hands over his head. His hair is growing. he usually cuts it all but today, he looks different. Maybe it''s because I haven''t seen him in a while.


    "You will be fine, just talk to him. Share your worries with him and maybe that will be enough.'''' He turns to face me and he gives me a weak smile.


    "I''ll try,'''' he says.


    I look at him and walk up to him. I give him a hug and he hugs me back. He doesn''t need to say anything because I know that he is grateful for my support during this time. He needs all the help he can get right now.


    I pull away from the hug and smile at him.


    "I''m always here for you Patrick.''''


    He nods at me and gives me a weak smile.


    "Thank you,'''' he says and turns to walk away.


    I watch Patrick as he walks away. He needs to be with his boyfriend now. He has to fix what he did wrong and make up for it. I hope things will be better between the two of them.


    I feel bad for Jack. I can''t imagine how he is feeling right now. I''m sure he''s hurting and I can''t do anything to help him. I can''t take away the pain he is feeling.


    I close my eyes "Hey, you, okay?'''' I open my eyes and Ford walks over to me. His eyes are half-closed as he pulls me into his arms "What are you doing outside, it is cold,'''' he rubs my back and somehow that makes me feel warm.


    "I was talking to Patrick,'''' I tell him and he looks at me. "At this hour?'''' he asks and I see the worry in his eyes.


    "Yeah, they are having issues. He needed a friend to talk to.''''


    tell him about what is going on and he looks at me.


    "They will get through this,'''' he says.


    "Yeah, I hope so,'''' I say because I hope everything will be okay.


    "You want to go back inside?'''' he asks and I nod.


    He pulls me into the warmth of the house and we go back upstairs to our room. He pulls me into his arms and I can feel a sense of comfort. He always has that effect on me.


    I feel so safe in his arms and I know that I can always depend on him to be there for me. I know that he will always be here for me and I love him so much for that. Thinking about Patrick and Jack, I believe that they will get through this. All relationships are hard, they are tricky and sometimes test you with everything you have. Being with Ford has been the easiest and hardest thing I have had to deal with. There are days when I get scared, worried and there are days when everything makes sense.


    You can''t have something good without challenges and this is their challenge. All they have to do is be strong.


    I look at Ford and he is looking at me, his eyes are locked with mine. I know that he is trying to read what I am thinking about but he can''t. I''m not sure if I even know what I am thinking about.


    "I love you,'''' he says.


    I smile at him and I get up from the bed, walking over to him, I kiss him and his lips melt to mine with a hunger that is always there.


    I love the way his lips feel against mine. I love the way he kisses me and the way he makes me feel. It is always a passion that we have for each other.


    "What was that for?'''' he asks when I pull away.


    "Just because,'''' I tell him and he smiles.


    He pulls me to the bed and we lay down on it.


    Love is worth all the bad times.


    They will see that too.

 Chapter 221 - Breaking Point

    Trick


    A month passes by and things are still rocky between us. He hasn''t been looking for a new job. He basically spends his whole day at home. Jack has become someone else in such a short span of time, all thanks to me.


    I know this is my fault.


    I take the blame for everything but I just want to make things right.


    "Hey,'''' he walks into the room and jumps on the bed, pulling me into his arms. His lips press to mine for a kiss and I welcome him. Our relationship doesn''t seem to be affected. He is still being a good boyfriend; we have sex all the time but the change is from him.


    I see it, the little things. Things that he thinks I haven''t noticed.


    1. He is on his phone more.


    2. He works out a lot more, he always goes for a run early in the morning and late at night. That used to happen a lot when he was with his dad. He once told me it was a way for him to escape from his head. When we moved out of the apartment, the runs reduced. Usually, we do it together. Now, he is doing it alone again.


    3. He is constantly on edge around me, almost like he is walking on eggshells. He doesn''t want to do or say the wrong thing around me.


    4. He drinks more coffee than usual which keeps him up at night.


    The fact that he doesn''t even want to work anymore terrifies me the most. Having a job has always been a sense of pride with Jack, now whenever I even bring it up, he brushes it up like it is nothing.


    "Jack, do you want to go for a run with me in the morning?" I ask him because I want to see his reaction to my suggestion.


    "Why?'''' he asks me with his brows furrowed. He is still in my arms, his legs in between mine.


    "I don''t know, it has been a while, I thought we could run together.''''


    He smiles widely and I see the hunger in his eyes "Why don''t we find some other exercise to do together?'''' he leans forward and I know what he wants.


    "We could do that later.'''' I push him away feeling the guilt weighing me down.


    ''''Why?'''' he looks at me with a pout. He is sitting up now, his arms on either side of my body.


    "I want to go for a run with you,'''' I tell him honestly. I want a little of the past, I want a piece of what we used to have. Now, I feel weird and I want something more.


    "I don''t feel up for a run right now, can we just have sex,'''' he leans back to me and my heart drops at his statement.


    Rejecting my offer to run, seems like a rejection to me.


    He is telling me that he doesn''t want to do anything with me anymore.


    I don''t say anything. I nod my head and he grins at me. He moves forward and his lips press against mine. I close my eyes and pretend that everything is okay. I pretend that all the things he has been doing are normal and we will get through this. I pretend that I haven''t been the cause of his change. I pretend that he loves me like he used to.


    I want to believe that everything is going to be okay but I know it isn''t. I know exactly what is going to happen and I can''t stop it.


    Jack wraps his arms tighter around my waist and I do the same. As he takes off my clothes and then his. All we do is have sex. We don''t even cuddle afterward. We don''t talk or do anything together. We just lay in bed next to each other, pretending to sleep. Pretending that everything is okay.


    I just want to fix it; I want everything to be ok again. I want my boyfriend back.


    I open my eyes and try to control my breathing. Beads of sweat trickle down my forehead and I feel like I can''t breathe. My heart is beating faster and faster and I know that this is bad. I know it is unhealthy to feel like this, it isn''t good.


    But I can''t stop.


    "Hey, are you okay?'''' he asks me, slowly breaking the kiss. His eyes bore into mine with worry.


    His hands hold my cheeks and I can see the concern in his eyes.


    "I''m fine,'''' I tell him, giving him a smile hoping that he will believe me.


    "You don''t look fine; do you want to stop?'''' he asks me.


    His fingers trace down my cheeks and I shudder at his touch. This is the most intimate thing he has done with me all this month.


    "Do you hate me?'''' I ask him.


    Do you not want to be with me anymore?'''' I ask him.


    He stares at me with wide eyes, his lips parted in shock.


    "Do you want to break up with me?'''' I ask him.


    "What?'''' he asks me as if it is the most ridiculous thing, he has ever heard.


    "Why are you acting like this? why won''t you just talk to me?''''


    ask him, throwing my hands up in the air.


    I am frustrated and I am scared. I am scared that this is it, I am scared that he doesn''t want to be with me anymore. I am scared that he will leave me.


    "I don''t hate you,'''' he tells me and I can see the sincerity in his eyes.


    "I don''t want to break up with you,'''' he tells me.


    "Then what is wrong?''''


    I am crying. I can feel the tears trailing down my cheeks. I can see his face soften as he watches me cry. I see him want to reach out to me and hold me but he doesn''t. he just stares at me with a sad expression.


    "Are we okay?'''' he asks me and I can see the fear in his eyes.


    "Do you think we are?'''' I ask him because I don''t even know what is going on anymore. Maybe we are just two people who are going through a rough patch. Maybe we are just fighting like every couple has done before.


    "I don''t know,'''' he tells me honestly for the first time in a while.

 Chapter 222 - Running Together

    Jack


    "You need to just stop overthinking everything in your relationship,'''' Lance tells me with a serious expression on his face.


    After our conversation that night, we haven''t really talked about any of the problems. It is like at the end of the day, we just brushed it all under the carpet. I am not in denial but I just don''t know how to fix things between us.


    "You know what my greatest fear is right now?" I ask him. He shakes his head "Losing him is my greatest fear.'''' I add sadly because every that thought is at the back of my mind with everything I do.


    I don''t want to get a job because I don''t want a repeat of what happened the last time. I don''t want to do anything to upset him. I just want to be on good terms with him all the time and that is not possible because being myself is becoming harder as each day passes by.


    "Do you think he doesn''t have that fear too?''''


    I shrug because I don''t even know. It was so easy for him to give me the ultimatum the last time. It was so easy to threaten to walk away from me, so I don''t know anything anymore.


    I just don''t know what to do anymore Lance,'''' I say and he sighs. ''''I just want things to go back to how they were before,'''' I added.


    "Well, you need to tell him, Jack. You''re not in this alone. You need to tell him what you''re feeling. I know it''s hard but he''s also feeling the same way. You both have to compromise because you two are the ones who caused this in the first place.''''


    He is right.


    I can''t blame Trick alone for everything that has happened. I have a part in all of this with my own actions and decisions.


    "I''m scared Lance,'''' I tell him. "I''m scared of losing him.''''


    He reaches for me and rests his hand on my shoulder "You guys are stronger than you think. You will get through this." His words are assuring but I don''t know if he is right this time. Lance leaves me and I wait for Trick to come home because I know that I can''t fix this overnight but I want to try.


    Everything is just so messed up. I feel like I am drowning in my own sea of confusion. I don''t know what to do anymore. I just want everything to go back to normal but I don''t even know what normal is any more.


    When Trick comes home, he walks into the bedroom and I am still just sitting on the bed. I don''t know what to say or what to do anymore.


    I get off the bed and walk towards him. I touch his arm and he stops walking. I look at him and the expression on his face is blank.


    I feel like I have to start this conversation. I need to tell him how I feel.


    "I"


    He cuts me off before I can say anything. "I don''t want to talk about this anymore," he says and turns around to walk out of the room.


    "Trick, please just listen to me," I say and grab his arm to stop him from leaving.


    "No Jack. I told you I don''t want to talk about this anymore. I don''t want to talk about why you have been acting this way. I just want to be happy because I have been so miserable the last few days. You know I love you, but I can''t go on like this."


    "Then why don''t we fix this?" I ask him.


    "How can we fix something if you''re not willing to tell me what the problem is?" he says. "I am willing to talk about it. I am willing to talk about everything. It is just that I am scared of losing you." I tell him.


    "I don''t want to lose you either but I feel like you''re drifting away from me and you are shutting me out," he says. I look at him and I can see the pain in his eyes. "I am just scared of losing you. I don''t want to get a job because I don''t want a repeat of what happened the last time. I don''t want to do anything to upset you. I just want to be good terms with you all the time and now I know that is not possible.''''


    "Why?'''' he asks me out of the blue with his eyes fixed on mine.


    I furrow my brows in confusion "Why what?''''


    "Why do you think that there will be a repeat if you get another job?''''


    He asks me.


    "Because the last time I got a job, you left, remember?" I speak.


    "Yeah, I do remember. But I didn''t leave because you got a job. I left because you didn''t talk to me. I left because you weren''t being honest. I left because you lied to me.''''


    He said he didn''t want to talk anymore but he is talking now. This is progress.


    "I didn''t mean to lie to you. I just thought that it would make it easier for us to get over that kiss. You were not happy about it and I wanted to make you feel better but now I see that it was wrong and you have to trust me that I wouldn''t do anything to hurt you.''''


    I say.


    He looks at me and I can see that he is thinking. "I know you wouldn''t."


    I smile at him.


    "But you have to give me a chance to be me.''''


    He sighs "I have never wanted anyone but you. I don''t want you to stop being you."


    "Can we just start again; I mean it this time.''''


    He runs his hands through his hair and I look at him, like really look at him. His hair is longer than it has ever been and I didn''t even notice. I have been too in my head to know that something has been eating him up all this while.


    I move closer to him and run my fingers through his hair "I am sorry,'''' I tell him honestly.


    He grabs my hand midair and places it to his lips gently, laying soft kisses on my knuckles.


    "Can we go for a run?'''' he asks me after a couple of seconds of silence.


    I look at him and there is a smile on my face.


    "I''d like that.''''

 Chapter 223 - Amends Made

    Trick


    For the first time in a long time, I feel a connection to Jack. I don''t know what changed overnight but this is a good thing. I feel the honesty and the fear in him that I have never seen in a long time.


    After our conversation, I actually thought we were over. I went to work thinking that I was going to lose him soon. When I came home and he wanted to talk to me. My heart was terrified because I thought he was going to break things off with me. As he said, I played a big part in messing things up with us. Before he got the job, we were talking about getting married and tonight, I almost thought he was going to break things off with me.


    "Come on,'''' he walks into the room dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I am dressed too because this is the most excited, I have been all week. I have been thinking about running with him for a while now. I know that this will bring us closer. This is one of the things that we used to do together before I went and messed things up.


    shove my feet into my running shoes and put on a light jacket. It is still warm out so I am not going to need a heavy jacket. I am not a fan of running in the summer. Jack waits for me by the door and he takes my hand. We walk to the trail and he is smiling as he does.


    "You ready?" He asks with a wide grin. I give him a hesitant grin back. "I am ready," I say. He doesn''t say anything but he leads me down the trail. We have been on this trail so many times that we both know where every twist and turn is. He used to bring me here when we first started dating. I would put my arms around his neck and he would have his hands in my back pockets. We would dash up the trail and we would laugh at how hard we were breathing.


    "It''s nice to see you smiling," he says. "I am always smiling Jack. You are the one that is always so serious," I say. Jack smiles and we keep walking. The trail is very warm and I am sweating. I am actually really excited about this run.


    "How has work been going?" He asks. "It has been really good." I don''t really want to talk about work right now. I would much rather talk about us. "We should talk about us," I say. "What do you want to talk about?" He asks. I don''t know why, but I am very nervous.


    "I want to talk about our wedding, I want to talk about our future," I say. Jack stops walking and I stop too. He turns to look at me and then he smiles. I don''t know what it is but I am very nervous. I don''t really know what to say. "I think that is a good idea," he says. He puts his hands on my shoulders and he pulls me close. I wrap my arms around his neck and I kiss him. His lips are warm and I feel a kind of connection that I haven''t felt in a long time. I know that we can work things out and I know that everything is going to be okay.


    When we break away from each other, he takes my hand and we start walking again. I can''t stop smiling and I feel like everything is going to be okay. Jack stops walking and he pulls me close to him. He puts his hands on my face and he kisses me. This kiss is different than the first one. He is more passionate and his tongue is moving around my mouth. I am not sure what to think. He is leading me down the trail. He is leading me to a place that we used to come to when we were dating. We come to a stop and he pulls me close. I put my arms around his neck and I kiss him. I kiss him as if I have never kissed him before. I kiss him like we are a couple that is madly in love.


    He puts his hands on my face and he kisses me like his life depends on it and maybe mine does.


    This is all I wanted.


    It''s not like we were not having sex before but there was something missing. Just from a kiss, I can feel the love he has for me.


    I can feel the passion for me. We only kissed for a few moments before we start to run again. We run for over an hour before we are out of breath. I lean against a tree and I catch my breath. I look at Jack and he is trying to catch his breath too. I wait for him to catch his breath and then we start running again.


    After about another thirty minutes, he stops running "Do you wanna go back home?'''' he asks me, pulling up to me.


    I nod my head and he takes my hand. We walk back to his house and he pushes me to the door immediately I close it and smashes his lips to mine. We are all sweaty and out of breath but I don''t care. I can feel his passion. I can feel the love as he takes off my clothes and tosses them to the floor.


    I don''t care about anything right now. I just want to be with him. He lays me down on the couch and he kisses me. He kisses me frantically like he is a man that is surviving out in the desert. He kisses me like I am the only thing he has to live for. I kiss him back like I am the only thing he has to live for. He pulls off his shirt and I pull off his pants. I have missed this feeling. I have missed him. I have missed the way he makes me feel. I have missed everything about him and I can tell that he has missed me too. I see it in his eyes. I feel it in his touch.


    "I love you," he breathes into my mouth as he slowly pushes into me.


    Everything feels right at this moment.

 Chapter 224 - Think About Me All The Time

    Jack


    "Come in,'''' he pulls me into the front door of the gallery and I walk in with an excited smile plastered on my face. The main part of the gallery is dark but I have been here a lot of times before, so manoeuvring my way around the walkway is easy for me.


    I look around, taking in all the paintings on the wall, and see that they have a new addition. Trick turns the light switch on and I see that it is a new painting that they have acquired and it is of a woman standing in a field of flowers.


    I look at it in awe; it is stunning. The woman''s body is covered in flowers, she has a smile on her face and her eyes are closed. I am mesmerized by the detail and by the effect that it has on me. "It is amazing, isn''t it?" Trick says, impressed, "It cost a small fortune to get it here but it''s by an incredible artist and I just couldn''t resist. It was meant to be here for the next exhibition but I couldn''t wait that long."


    "It is beautiful," I say, admiring it further, "The flowers are so realistic and the colours. I can really imagine being there."


    "I agree," Trick says, smiling at me, "You would look beautiful in a canvas like that. A beautiful man in a field of flowers."


    I smile and shrug my shoulders, "Flattery will get you nowhere."


    "I don''t need to flatter you," he says, "You are the most beautiful man in the room, any room."


    I am completely taken aback by his comment. I hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. I have always known that Trick is attracted to me and has flirted with me before but this is different. He must see something in me that I cannot see in myself.


    "Thank you," I say, smiling and looking down at my feet, yeah, flirting with each other is not new but after our clean slate, everything feels new. He takes a step towards me and I welcome him with open arms.


    He wraps his arms around me and I close my eyes. I feel content, happy in his arms He kisses the top of my head and I breathe in the scent of his aftershave. I have gotten so used to everything that has to do with Patrick. He is a norm in my life and just a couple of weeks ago, I felt like I was going to lose the most important thing in my life.


    Now that we are here together, in each other''s arms, I can''t even think of a life where he doesn''t exist.


    I feel like I have been blind to everything in my life, I haven''t taken time to appreciate it or enjoy it. I have been too focused on things that aren''t relevant. Yeah, I want to go back to work, I want to find a purpose apart from just love. I want what he has. Art is an escape for Trick. Without it, he wouldn''t be who he is today. He wouldn''t be the man I love. I want to find that so badly.


    "So where is the surprise?'''' I ask him, pulling away from him but he holds me tighter. "I''m not letting you go."


    "Not even for a second?" I ask, raising my eyebrow.


    "Nope," he says, "I want you right here, with me, all the time."


    "That sounds nice," I say, looking at my feet, "I think I could get used to that."


    "Good," he says, kissing my forehead, "I want you to get used to it. I want you to think about it all the time. I want you to feel like you belong with me like this is where you are meant to be. I want you to think about it when you are at home, I want you to think about it when you are at work. I want you to think about it when you are with your friends, I want you to think about it when you are eating, and I want you to think about it when you are sleeping."


    I look up at him, "That''s a lot of thinking."


    "I know," he says, "but it will all be good thoughts, happy thoughts. I just want you to feel like you are home with me."


    I don''t have to tell him that I already feel that way.


    "I think I will go crazy with all that thinking," I say, smiling at him.


    "Good," he says, "I want to drive you crazy."


    I laugh, "I think you have done that."


    He kisses me, his lips on my lips. My eyes stay fixed to his because this is everything I want. Everything I need. "Come on,'''' he grabs my hand in his again and we walk up the stairs and away from the display.


    "Remember I told you I was working on something new?'''' he asks me as we walk up the stairs.


    "Yeah," I say, nodding my head.


    "It''s up here," he says pushing open the door to his studio and letting me in first.


    The room is full of colour and paint, the easel is set up in the middle of the room and there is a painting up on the easel but from where we are standing in front of the door, I can''t see the right side of the painting. I walk closer to it and see that the canvas is blank.


    "You need to close your eyes," Trick says, his voice is full of excitement.


    "Okay," I say, smiling at him.


    "No peeking," he says, "I want it to be a surprise."


    "I''ll try my best," I say, closing my eyes.


    "Okay," he says, "I''m going to count to three and then you can open them."


    I take in a deep breath. I can''t wait to see the painting


    "One," he says, "Two," I hear him walking around the room, putting things away.


    I have to admit, I am a little nervous. I don''t know what to expect but I am already excited.


    I hear him turn the switch of the light "Three,'''' he says, sounding like he is standing right in front of me. I open my eyes and the sight in front of me has my heart beating faster and my breath taken away.


    Wow.

 Chapter 225 - Lets Get Married

    Jack


    My hands are shaking as I look at the painting in front of me. I can''t even fathom that he would do something so beautiful. The room is dark but I can''t see the colours on the canvas so clearly.


    I feel his hands on my back, slowly guiding me around, "You can touch it," he says "I know you want to."


    I reach out and put my hand on the canvas. The paint is dry but still soft to touch and the texture feels amazing under my fingertips. I run my hand down the painting, my eyes following the path that my hand is taking. The painting is in front of me and I take it all in. The colours, the shapes, the details.


    It is the view from our bedroom window. The scene is dark, a storm is raging but the trees are lit up by the lightning. The sky is a combination of grey and blue, just like it is in real life. The painting captures the raindrops as they fall to earth. I am looking out the window, my features are soft, and my eyes are glassy. I am looking at the storm that is raging outside, looking at the sky, looking at the trees. I am looking at the beauty of nature and I am beautiful.


    The details on my face, the colours of my eyes, the shape of my lips, the curve of my nose, the shimmer of my hair, the glow from the light outside. The details are breathtaking.


    I turn to look at Trick and I can see that he is anxious, I put my hand on his cheek and he places his hand on mine. "I love it," I say.


    "Do you really?" he asks.


    "I have never seen anything like it," I say, smiling at him.


    "I''m glad," he says, kissing me on the forehead.


    "You are amazing," I say, looking at him.


    "You make me amazing," he says, kissing me on the lips.


    I turn back to the painting, "How come the painting was blank before you turned off the lights?'''' I ask him even though I have a slight idea.


    He laughs, "That was my little trick."


    "It''s beautiful,'''' I exclaim honestly because I am never going to get tired of looking at it.


    "You are beautiful," he says, kissing me on the forehead.


    I turn to face him, putting my hands on his arms. "I love you,'''' I tell him as he pulls me closer to him "I love you too," he says, his voice is soft.


    The painting is amazing "Can we keep this in our room?'''' I ask him even though I already know that is what I am going to do. "Of course," he says, "I want you to be able to see it all the time. I want you to see how beautiful you are, I want you to see that you will always be my muse."


    He used glow in the dark paint to make the canvas appear to be blank before turning the lights off, which just means, I will only be able to see the painting in the night when the lights are out. At night is when I think about the things that are not going right in my life. At night is when the demons come out and remind me of how wrong everything is. At night is when I feel the most alone and I want to see the painting I want to see me. I want to remember that I am loved.


    "Can we get married?'''' I ask him all of a sudden. Maybe it is all the emotions running through me right now but I just want to be with him. "As soon as you want to," he says.


    "How about right now?'''' I ask him even though I am a little nervous and overconfident. "Are you serious?'''' he asks, surprised by my question.


    "I love you and I don''t want to wait any longer. I want to be your husband right now.''''


    I see the doubt and confusion in his face. I know he wanted to do this right with me. He talked about a grand wedding and with all the things that happened between us, I didn''t even think about planning a wedding or even having one. There was a time when I thought our relationship was over. I thought we were not going to have a future together, but it was all because of a misunderstanding. It was all because of me.


    "I love you so much," I tell him, "I want to be with you forever."


    "So do I," he says.


    "Then let''s get married right now.''''


    He is watching me with uncertainty. Trick has always been the rational one. I have always been the spontaneous one. He is the one who thinks things through and I am the one who jumps in without looking.


    "I want to be your husband now," I tell him, "Let''s elope."


    He opens his eyes wide, shocked and maybe a little excited. I know Trick just as much as he knows me and this is what he needs right now. He needs me to be spontaneous, he needs me to be crazy, he needs me to be me.


    "Do you really want to do this?'''' he asks, his eyes are wide.


    "I do," I tell him, "I want to be yours."


    I see him relax, "Okay, let''s do this then," he says, smiling.


    "We''re doing this," I say, "Let''s go."


    He grabs my hand in his and leads me out of the studio and then down the stairs to the car "Are we really doing this?'''' he asks me again.


    "We are," I tell him.


    He opens the door for me and I get in. My heart is racing because this is the most excited I have felt in a long time and this is everything I want and more.


    I can''t wait to be married to him.


    I can''t wait to say I do.

 Chapter 226 - Luckiest Guy On Earth

    Trick


    I don''t know what we are doing but I am all for it. This is crazy but I can''t help but be excited about it. A week ago, we had issues, I almost thought we were done for and now, he wants to get married. I am so happy about this jump; I want to do this more than anything. Yeah. I wanted to give him a grand wedding, one that would make him proud of me but he seems to want this as much as I want it and after everything that has happened, I just want to make this move with him.


    "''Are we really doing this?'''' I ask him as I drive to our house. It is already getting dark and I can see the lights from our house.


    "I am tired of waiting to spend the rest of my life with you'''' he says.


    "Me too" I say smiling at him.


    I park the car and we get out of it. I hold his hand and he pulls me close to him.


    "I love you'''' I tell him as we walk to the house.


    "I love you too'''' he says lingering by the door. I don''t know how this is going to work but he mentioned Vegas and it is just a couple of hours away. If we start the drive now, we will get there before midnight. A Vegas wedding isn''t the most romantic but just knowing that he is there with me is all I need. I am so excited for this even though deep down I know it is crazy and he deserves a lot more than this. I wanted to give him more, I wanted the crowd, his family--and by family, I mean Lance and his mother. Jack doesn''t really have anyone but me. His father is still a drunk. I am so surprised that he has lasted so long. When we first moved out of the apartment, he used to make sure to check up on him but now, they have drifted. The only thing he still does is send him money every month. He wouldn''t want him anywhere near him for our wedding and I only want what he wants.


    "Come on,'''' he drags my hand and pulls me into the house. "We''ve got to pack a bag and then start the drive,'''' he winks at me, pulling me into his arms. I am running on fumes, I have so much energy bursting inside me from the mere thought.


    I don''t know how I am going to make it through the ride but I am glad that I will be with him. I am so excited to get married. He pushes me to the wall and smashes his lips to mine. The front door is dark, except from the light through the glass of the door but I see him clearly. I see his eyes, his beautiful red hair, the sparkle in his eyes. I see the little crinkle on his right side of his cheek. I see the cute way his nose flares when he smiles. He is a vision to me; I love the way he looks at me. We are barely even touching and I am ready to explode with need.


    I pull away from him and force myself to take some steps away from him. I know that if he kisses me now, I would forget about everything else. I am already hot and if he touches me, I am going to lose it.


    "We should be packing,'''' I remind him and he chuckles obviously loving my reaction to his touch. He knows how much he affects me and he likes to tease me about it.


    I am going to pack. You pack,'''' he says and goes upstairs. I stand there for a moment and just catch my breath. It is crazy how fast I go into overdrive. I can''t believe that I am actually doing this.


    I walk into the bedroom and hear him shuffling through the closet. I don''t think we need a lot of stuff. Maybe a change of clothes and some underwear. This is a one-day thing. I am going to be his husband in a couple of hours.


    "Come on Trick. Should I just put some of your stuff in my bag,'''' he pokes his head out the closet. He has my bag open and is rummaging through it. He throws a couple of my shirts in his bag. I glance at myself in the mirror and see that my cheeks are red from the excitement. I look like a tomato. I reach for my bag and grab a couple of my underwear, helping him fill it up.


    "We are doing this, I should call Lance,'''' he squeals in excitement. I know he can''t do anything without telling his best friend and I know that Lance is the one person that deserves to know.


    He has been a lot of help to us.


    He is the only family we have.


    I am so glad that we have him. I know that I would have gone insane if it wasn''t for him.


    I grab my phone and call him. He picks up after the first ring.


    "Hey, what''s up,'''' he asks.


    "We are getting married tonight,'''' Jack says and I can hear Lance''s joyous scream. I have to put my hand over my other ear so I don''t go deaf.


    "You are getting married? Where? When? How?'''' he keeps firing questions and I hear Jack laughing.


    "We are getting married in Vegas. We are leaving right now,'''' Jack says. I can''t help but laugh at him.


    "You can''t get married in Vegas!'''' he yells.


    "Why not?'''' Jack asks.


    "Because you can''t!'''' Lance says.


    "Why not?'''' Jack asks again.


    "Because you can''t get married in Vegas. You can''t do this without me. That''s not fair,'''' he whines.


    "You are going to be fine with this,'''' Jack says. "Just let us do this,'''' he says and I can hear Lance try to talk but I can''t hear him clearly.


    "You know I am going to do this even if you don''t agree, just support us. would you?'''' he asks his best friend.


    "You have to have like a celebration with us, and I need pictures and videos. that is the only way I will agree to this,'''' he says.


    Jack grins at me. "Fine, we will have a party. We will call you when we get there,'''' he tells him.


    "Ok, good luck guys,'''' he says before ending the call.


    I don''t think we need it because I feel like the luckiest person on earth right now.


    I am at peace.

 Chapter 227 - The Moment Is Ours

    Jack


    The car ride is long but I enjoy every minute of it. The excitement is strong and so very overwhelming. I can''t believe we are doing this. Trick is just as excited as I am, he hasn''t been able to stop talking since we got into the car.


    "Are we almost there?'''' I ask him, trying to understand the map on my phone. He chuckles as we drive over a bump. "Yeah, we are almost there, just a few more minutes." He gives me a reassuring smile and I lay my head back on the headrest.


    I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans and take a deep breath. Everything is going to be fine. This is the best day of my life already and we haven''t even gotten married yet. Going to Vegas is the oldest trick in the book. People that end up married in Vegas are usually drunk at the time they get married, but I am sober and it still feels right.


    To the outside eye, it might seem like this is compensation for everything that has happened between us. It might seem like we are trying to prove something but this is the one thing that has made me excited. Knowing that the next time I go home, I will be married to my best friend, I will be married to the man of my dreams. We have come a long way, we have had problems but we always overcome them all.


    "Here we are!" Trick says and turns off the engine. I take off my seatbelt and open the door. I look around at the busy streets of Las Vegas. People are everywhere. It''s really hard to make out one person from the next. I smile at Trick and he smiles back. I reach out my hand to him and he takes it. "Ready?" He asks, and I nod my head. We walk side by side towards the building. The temperature is rising and I feel sweat trickling down my back. "Are you ok?'''' Trick asks as he walks into the building. There is still a smile on my face but he can still tell that I am nervous.


    I want this to be perfect, even though I know all I have to do is say I do. There is no planning for this wedding, we are being spontaneous and I am still worrying.


    "I am nervous,'''' I tell him, reaching out to pull him closer. My palms are sweaty, my heart is pounding loudly in my chest and I am dying to get this show on the road. We walk into the building and I see the name of the place ''''Shalimar Wedding Chapel" We get to the front desk, there is a man in a white shirt and black pants. He looks at us with an uninterested look but greets us anyway. "Hello, what can I do for you?" He asks even though I am pretty sure he knows why we are here. There are two other couples seated on the couches in the lobby. We exchange glances and they both smile at us.


    "We would like to get married today," Trick says and gives the man our name. I feel my heart pounding in my chest again. The man grabs two papers and tells us to fill them out. I take the pen he is holding out to me and I fill each of the boxes. After I am done I slide the paper, back to the man. He looks at me and then looks down at the paper. He doesn''t say anything for a very long time. I feel my face burning and I know he is looking at my name. I can hear the ticking of the clock on the wall. After a couple of silent minutes, he turns to us "Come with me,'''' he leads us down a hallway and I hold Trick''s hand as we walk behind the man. He stops in front of a door and opens it, the room is large, and there are about fifteen couples in here.


    Some are waiting for their turn, others are getting married.


    "Pick a spot," the man "Good luck,'''' he tells us as he closes the door and leaves us in the room of couples.


    There is chatter and murmurs. Everyone here is either getting married or watching someone else do it. I look around the room, there are two spots available. We walk over to one of the empty sits and he pulls me over his laps. I grab him around his waist as I sit down on his legs. This is the only available chair and I don''t want to sit away from him.


    "We are actually doing this,'''' he murmurs against my ear.


    I laugh and bury my face in his neck. My hands are resting on his chest. "I love you so much,'''' I tell him from the bottom of my heart.


    He runs his hands down the back of my head and I feel his lips on my neck. "I love you so much too,'''' he whispers against my skin. I look up and we lock eyes. His eyes are soft and tender. I am so lucky to have a man like this in my life. He is everything I could ever want or need. He is my other half and now he is going to be my husband.


    There is a room full of people but he is the only one that I see, my heart belongs to him and I will never let anything ruin it. I will always hold unto him for the rest of my life.


    No matter what. I rest my head on his shoulder and he rests his head on top of mine. It is quiet for a while and then I hear our name being called by a different man. We stand up and he holds my hand. My heart is pounding and I have butterflies in my chest. This is really happening.. We are getting married.

 Chapter 228 - The Rebel

    Jack.


    I open my eyes to the sound of the alarm. on reflex, my hands reach for the snooze button. Trick is still sleeping, there are soft sounds from his side of the bed. I can''t help but smile at the sight of him. He''s so peaceful when he''s asleep. There''s something so intimate about watching him sleep. It''s like he''s my world, my everything. I watch him for a while, my mind lazily wandering to the events of the previous day. The sun is streaming through the window, lighting up the room, I can''t help but smile. I am not a fan of mornings but with him, they have become my favorite part of the day.


    "Are you going to keep staring at me?" I ask him, my eyes never leaving his face. He laughs at me, his deep baritone sending chills down my spine. I smile at him, still not breaking eye contact. He slowly sits up in the bed, his eyes never leaving mine. We sit there, simply looking at each other. I''m not sure how long we sit like that, time seems to slow down when we are together. Then, he reaches for me, pulling me into his arms. I feel safe in his embrace, my body molding perfectly to his. I close my eyes, savoring the feel of his lips against my face. His kiss is deep and passionate, sending waves of electric surges through my body. He moans softly, his lips pressing against my cheek, my ear, my neck. I can''t help but shudder at his touch, my body betraying me once again.


    "We are married,'''' I blurt out, still in his arms. we have been married for six months. that is a long time but every morning, I remind him, even though I don''t need to.


    He nods with that beautiful smile still on his face.


    I take a deep breath "I have to go to work.''''


    He nods again.


    "At some point, you are going to have to get up,'''' he tells me just as my alarm rings again. I wanted this, working, having a life, outside our bubble but there are days when I just wish I didn''t have to go and I could stay in bed with him.


    today is one of those days.


    "Lance is having a barbeque tonight," I tell him as I let go of him to stop the alarm.


    "Yeah, he sent me an invite."


    sometimes, I forget that Trick and Lance are friends. it''s not that often that they get together but when they do, it''s like a small-town reunion. "You don''t have to go today, call in sick,'''' he winks at me.


    My heart skips a beat.


    It would be so easy to convince me not to. Right now, I am leaning into not going.


    "And what will I do all day while you are at the gallery?"


    "I will call in sick too,'''' he smiles brightly.


    I pull him into my arms tighter and he chuckles because the excitement is obvious in my squeal. "You are the boss; you don''t need to call in sick.''''


    He laughs in my arms, "I''m not the boss today. I''m your husband.''''


    His words dance around my heart. I kiss him, his tongue sliding into my mouth, making me moan. he reaches for my shirt and starts pulling it off. I can''t help but laugh as he strips me of my clothes. Once we are both naked, he pushes me until my back is on the bed. my eyes look up to him and the beautiful expression on his face.


    Fuck, I am happy.


    He makes me so happy.


    Once upon a time, I almost lost this man. I almost messed things up but here we are. Months later and happier than we have ever been. Things are perfect. The life I am living is one that I dreamed of growing up.


    I wanted a family, I wanted someone that I knew I could rely on. I dreamed of Trick for so long and now he is here¡ªreal.


    "More,'''' I push into him as he grinds into me.


    He is heard and begging for me.


    I want all of him. his hands caress me. He plants kisses all over me. His own imprint on my body. I am a moaning mess as he pushes into me, my body welcoming him into his home.


    "We should go on a date,'''' he moans slowly as he pushes into me.


    I open my eyes for a second because I can''t even concentrate on anything but his dick inside me.


    "Fuck that feels good," I manage, stuck in pure bliss. Sweat trickles down his forehead and falls on my chest. I moan as his heat completely penetrates me.


    This is heaven.


    "Do you want to go on a date,'''' he asks. His voice is unclear, or maybe I am just too lost in him right now.


    He pushes into me again and I feel closer to my climax "Now?" I ask him confused.


    He laughs at my question with lust-filled eyes. he is enjoying this; he is trying to distract me but it is not working. All I can feel is his dick inside me.


    "Fuck,'''' he groans as he hits me, in that spot. The one that makes him go crazy. "Answer, before I lose my fucking mind inside you,'''' he grunts heavily as I lean forward with my waist.


    I want to touch him, and then I want to bury myself inside his orbit. I want to live my life for him and for him alone.


    "Yeah, we could do that,'''' I manage in a stutter.


    He quickens his pace and I claw at him as he pushes into me faster, hotter and harder.


    The release I craved comes with bliss.


    "That was¡­." he manages.


    I nod as he lies on his back and pulls out of me slowly. His arms wrap around me.


    "Call in,'''' he tells me.


    I nod because I don''t want to leave him.


    I would be a rebel for him.