chapter 30


    I have been lost for words since I ran into Ivan. Surprised that he left me free, I still wonder for how long


    it will be for. Now that he knows I''m alive. I have to tell Landon everything, I can''t put it off any longer he


    needs to know. I have never lied to him. He really has never asked about my past. I am just afraid. That


    he will make me leave.


    As I toss and turn in my bed, there''s no use for sleep. I get up, head to the bathroom. I turn the water


    on for the shower, maybe this will rx me. I undress while the water is warming. I look at myself in the


    mirror with my growing belly. As I can feel her movement, I be grateful that I have her.


    Lost and thought, the mirror steams. I open the shower curtain and step in, letting the hot water pour


    over my body. I try just to rx, but my mind is everywhere. All I can remember is his touch that made


    my body crazy. I crave his touch, I don''t know why, I wonder what is happening to me.


    Star is angry because I did not go back to him. The life with him is so uncertain that I can''t bear to even


    try. I am not that weak woman that I was, I am strong. I will not allow him to take advantage of me. He


    is to be married, and I would be left to be alone. I struggle in my thoughts as the hot water touches my


    skin. I can''t allow my feelings to develop for him.


    I try my hardest to push them aside. As I wash my hair and my body. I scrubbed the dirt away, hoping


    that once I get out that I am clean from all of this. It was one poor judgement that I should have never


    allowed to happen. I don''t belong to anyone, I am free no matter the cost.


    As I get out of the shower to dry myself, I know that I need to tell Landon everything. He has a right to


    know in case I put him in danger and everyone in his pack. I would not me him if he wanted me to


    go. I just hope that he cares enough to allow me to stay.


    I tried so hard to block any feelings for anyone, but there was no use. Even though Landon caused me


    pain. There is just something about him that I Can''t resist. I''ve been trying to tell myself that it''s all a lie,


    that I don''t care about him. But I know he is what brought me back to life.Content ? provided by N?velDrama.Org.


    This pack is what gave me something to live for. It made me not want to give up or run. I''m so mad at


    myself for putting all of my happiness in danger. Knowing that Ivan could swipe in at any time and take


    it all away. I now wonder if I should stay, maybe I should leave.


    I go to get my clothes, feeling so confused, I want to befortable as I putfortable clothes on. I


    am so lost and not sure what to do, maybe I should ask somebody. I gather my thoughts and put my


    shoes on and head to the door. I need to talk to Dean, he''ll know what to do.


    As I am walking through the pack and looking at everybody outside. I see happiness, that is all I want. I


    don''t feel judged, I feel epted even though nobody really talks to me. But I believe that is mainly my


    fault for not talking to them. It''s me not trying to build rtionships, being afraid of what will happen, not


    wanting to get hurt. If I begin to care about people, what happens when they are gone.


    It''s the pain that I felt losing my family. I don''t ever want to feel again, that is what is preventing me from


    caring about others. I think that is one of the main reasons why I am so afraid to get connected to my


    pregnancy. When I fill her, movement it makes my heart overflow with so much love it terrifies me.


    I am filled with so much emotion and need to let it out, I''m hoping that Dean is not busy, so I can talk to


    him. Knowing that he is not the person who I really need to be talking to, but I need to figure this out


    before I talk to Landon. When I reach Dean''s house, I''m almost relieved. I knock on the door, but it''s


    not Dean that answers, it''s Landon.


    "Lilly good morning."


    I''m surprised to see him, at first I don''t respond, and then I''m thinking hello answer him. "Good


    morning, Landon is Dean here."


    "Yes he is, he wanted to do a quick check up on Jayden to make sure everything healed nicely."


    "Is Jayden OK, he''s not having any issues is he?"


    "He is fine, he was upset because of you running outst night. You couldn''t stay to hang out with him,


    you had to just leave."


    "No I''m sorry, I didn''t know it upset him."


    "Of course it upset him, he hasn''t seen you in days, and you just take off after only spending an hour


    with him."


    "Landon, I''m sorry I can spend more time with him, I want to spend more time with him."


    "Don''t bother, I don''t want someone who is just going to spend time and run out on him when they get


    tired of him."


    "Landon, it was not that I promise you, maybe we can talk about this. I want to talk to you, I want to tell


    you everything."


    "Really, I don''t want to hear your excuses."


    "Landon, it was my Wolf she left me, and then she was back I was so overjoyed I needed to go for a


    run, I''m sorry."


    As Dean begins to walk out with Jayden, I see his face light up with a smile. But sadly, it then starts to


    fade, it was like my heart sank with his fading smile. I could tell that he was upset with me. What have I


    done? I know I had no control. I needed to run. Was it something I needed for myself? Why does


    everyone feel that what I need isn''t important?