Chapter 45


    It’s been days since Arrick left my room and I am barely functioning. I have moped around, either at


    home until my mom’s pandering efforts have driven me mad, or at Emma, or Les’, who are equally


    suffocating me. Jake is my only respite, with his shrugged off chill and his ‘life’s too short’ attitude. He


    tends not to dwell on ‘matters’ with me and just lets me hang out. He’s keeping me sane, while


    everyone else is mothering me to insanity.


    I’m restless, listless, antsy, and just need to let off some steam to feel normal for one night. Every part


    of my body is screaming to go out and get blind drunk and numb for a few hours, but I’m stopping


    myself from going down that route again. Really trying to behave, listening to my counselor, whom I


    saw this morning for the first time again, and trying like crazy to keep my head above water. My hearts


    bruised and in pain but I’m handling it. I know why I feel this way, and it’s making a difference to how I


    deal with it.


    James, my therapist, suggested keeping a journal tobat these feelings, suggested I take up a


    hobby or fitness regime to help with the urges to just drown my sorrows. He is fully on board with me


    taking some sewing sses in town that interest me, and maybe trying my hand at a seamstress


    course at the local evening college. He thinks a focus will help me move on in life, help me find my


    path, and for once, my parents aren’t criticizing my choice of following fashion studies. I think they


    realize it’s better than the life I’ve been living.


    Arrick has tried to call me numerous times; I have no idea why he would even try. There is nothing he


    can say to fix this, and I’m nking his calls as talking to him will only make this harder to ept. He’s


    back in the city, news going on about his fight tonight against some well-known pro that could really


    boost his career, and I’ve already decided I’m going to go to bed and ignore it. While everyone else


    here gathers at Jake’s house to watch it on his ‘humongous’ ridiculous screen in his cinema room. The


    families always like to gather for ‘notable events’ like this. Huntsbergers and Carreros, the two halves


    of my life.


    I told myself that I need to cut ties with him if I’m ever going to get past this, have read enough ‘How to


    heal your heart’ articles in women’s magazines in thest few days to arm myself with every tool


    women use to get over a broken heart, and am fullymitted to doing so. I want my life back, my


    sanity, and some sense of control over things. I’m on this path now, to make myself happier, and I


    intend to do everything in my power to change how I’ve been living.


    This is property ? of N?velDrama.Org.


    All the usual suggestions have been noted. Get a makeover, cut your hair, get a hobby. Compiled a tick


    list, sighing at them as I did so, but willing to try anything to get out of this two-year funk which has


    driven me to this ce. I’m being productive, taking matters into my own hands and trying to prove to


    myself that I can beat this. Treat it like a bump in the road, and distance myself emotionally from what


    ‘it’ is.


    I’ve listed everything, from burn anything connected to him, to wiping him off your social media. I put


    everything that reminds me of him in a box and gave it to Emma. I don’t want to destroy the things he


    gifted me over the years, but I know Emma will take care of them in case I ever feel able to have them


    back. And there is a lot! I never realized, until now, just how often he used to buy me things. Stuffed


    animals or little trinkets, or gave me meaningful keepsakes like birthday cards with whole paragraph


    messages inside, letters he sent me when he went to London for four whole weeks and I told him I


    wanted postcards and ‘snail mail’ as well as texts and calls. He sent me a daily postcard with an


    attached breakdown of what he was doing on paper, in an envelope with whatever souvenir of his day


    he’d found. I have café napkins, a bottle cap, a Big Ben keyring, and other random things from that trip.


    I’m staying off all social mediapletely, taking down my ounts for timeout and hoping the break


    will help me sort my brain out. Instead of all-out deleting him from everything, which would also mean


    removing thousands of pictures. It would feel wrong to click unfriend or block on things he has always


    been a part of.


    Emma is helping me the best she can, being positive and focused and the joint group of four children,


    between Le and Emma, has been enough to exhaust me most afternoons. The twins, Noah, and


    Wiley are only five, so between them, and Mia, and Lucah, running around the yard, I have found a


    useful fitness regime.


    I even watched little Adam, my brother Ben’s son, while his wife Grace was in town seeing family. He is


    seven now; the absolute perfect likeness to Ben, and weirdly Lucah. They could pass as brothers,


    despite no actual blood link. Not that I’m surprised, as Ben and Jake are scarily simr and had once


    been best friends who looked almost like twins. All these babies have been a godsend thest few


    days.


    I hate to admit it to myself, but being home, and surrounded once more by these people, is doing so


    much more for me than thest months with my so-called friends. Just the time to be at peace, and not


    focus on anything except the kids and my family, is in its own way soothing me in ways that it never


    used to. I guess knowing where my pain has beening from has changed my whole outlook and


    made it more manageable. Having that focus, having some sense instead of free falling has really


    helped me get back to how I used to be, focused, and centered on more.


    I’m watching Lucah build sandcastles in his sandpit while Mia hangs upside down on her monkey bars


    in the back yard, sun beating down, and sewing a tester panel of stitches from a book I got from a local


    sewing shop. So far, I’ve managed to master six of the fancy stitches, and majorly pleased with myself


    at my ability to get this so quickly.