What’s better than a phone? Two phones. Work phone working from home. Unfamiliar, perforated flip case indented with teal taxi chits. You’ve got 2 hours of battery make it count goose ! Some suffered repository of second string 3g. A few extra marks on it. Not so much grease on the screen. Dust ridden. Ten texts from the dentists of the previous three owners. Heavier and lot less functional. No personal apps not a forum to watch the obscene. IT guys will see it all. But riddled with default settings it’s an infnite personal htospot to catch your game and a blast terror should it ever ring. I liked to kill it with negligence revelling in two month long dead battery, but the more I arose the pyramid and started picking proudction from governmenal staff the more I needed a way to be contacted when I went burying in the ranges. Alas, I have pockets full of phones.


    When you’re given a free phone it purchases a corporate suite in your amygdala. Flush with sausage rolls, bitter black coffee, inkless pens, a Wellwishedfor tin of biscuits, some muffins a gold star and a chocolate fish . The great motivators. Perks include subsidised alcohol on special occasions. And exciting exposure to a broad range of work. Impersonal default settings and unfamiliar jaded and frugal buzzes. Vortexes of emails. Teams status do not disturb (“I fogot to turn it off”). an inarguable asset for empahtetic detachment. With a brand new thatre  I have two webinars to watch and one to give. For an artist is above all things an employee.


    Get up zoom code. New porject. 9am: online Team Meeting. 10am: presentation. 11am: webinar. Touching base from last week’s quorum at the end of the forum. Will log my labour power in seven and one half denominations of eyeballed time all from the comfort of my bed.


    I’m a creature of consulting, delivering the world. A recent performance assessment pulled up in the unsent box: “I am a quick thinker with an agile mindset, fashioned in the schools of critical thought. When I crawled from my mother’s womb the first thing I did was recommend with calm assurance that the umbilical cord be cut. As a child, I would keep an ear to the ground for the social good. I would spot an inefficiency a mile away. My first restructure came naturally when I was 7. My teacher demonstrated a skillset gap when it came to value creation in the sphere of morning road patrol. My performance was not consolidated. Left from the roster, I was unable to enrich the social good. And so I streamlined the educator’s role by outsourcing him to a distant institution. I said, ‘by Jove, that Mr Robinson has touched me on my proposal, and has impacted the social good!’ Of course my first client saw the error of his op model, agreed that he’d damaged the value creation and promptly switched his role to that wide enclosed permanent unpaid internshp.” Unwritten to be taken out, “please just give me more money, will beg.”


    My first saliered job. Threw a dart at the wall of parasites; lawyer, small commercial loansman, policy advsior, nude salesman, email crafter, social media manager, yuppie yapper, comemrcial wifi installer, monday monring fruit deliverer, ergonomic chair haeight surevyor, fkae plant waterer, second lieutenant to the receptionist, spreadsheet consilidator, dishwasher avoider, social events reminderer, mentla health bootlegger, lunchtime sport nontravelling paramdeic reserve, speical envoy to the sociopathic, united nations ambassador to world peace, misinformaiton traffiker, ineterpersonal conflict resolution expert, general expert (referrable as an authroity on anything ending in “ism”), non-demoniational secular adjacent clergy, pen thief, teams chat emoji reacot, pun miner, executive amensiac, good vivbes guy, compulsive travellor, human resources human resource, poison taster, IT virus second opiinon offerer, connectivtiy outtage oral observer, experimental psychotehrapist, government meterologist, daily news surveillance operative, professional e-athelte (dino game hs: 879968), classsifed company files reasercher, panadol distributor, third-pary estimaor of sexual prowess, microwave operator, current events noticer, happy birthdayor, intergenerational meme translator, gossip connisoeur, lunhtime temporal engineer, christmass party location scout, office informant, and social media influcer. References can be supplied upon request.


    Paid Twice the median wage for powerpoints and anti-treason. Could we be so lewd as to imply propaganda? No, of course not this is independent advice. Governmental reassurance. Anxiety relief. Private-public appeasement. Facilitating ministerial agreement. Rapidly reviewing the reviewable reviewers reassuring the referees. Your office had a data breach? No matter. For $150k we can smother this whole thing busy and bureaucratic. Let’s interview sixty-five people to reiterate in three-hundred pages what was said in one email two months ago. We’ll add an appendix if you need us forensic. For some reason the exec’s exact thoughts about what happened, happened. For an extra optional additional $25K we’ll throw in a presentation deck with a few icons and an intern pressing next. You really would not understand how easy it all is with a few trucks of jargon and well typed Aligherian passive agression.. I once charged the ministry of health 40000 dollars to read the Divine Comedy.


    If you are not familiar it doesn’t matter, your government’s will be familiar with such considered counsel as “We think this means there is considerable opportunity to leverage organisational core competencies across industry verticals to deploy synergistic solutions to social problems. We reccomend optimising key performance indicators to achieve best in class scalability. This is essential to empowering dialogue with strategic partners”. Usually goes on like this for hell, purgatory and paradise.


    Perhaps you will be more familiar with our commodities. Rapid reviews, submission analyses, reports, evaluations, community engagement, stakeholder engagement, focus groups, policy advice, regulatory health checks, strategic direction, strategy, programme management, partnership, international development, business optimisation, policy development, best practice governance, process reviews, implementation, smart change, mixed methods evaluation, research study design, qualitative analysis, data analytic services, document analysis, longitudinal studies, meta syntheses, complaint systems, inquiries, tribunals, good governance, operational alignment, operating model design, producing core machinery of governemnt deliverables, reviewing legislation, undertaking regulatory analsyis, capability building, guidance and development, complicance and enforcement, stakehgolder mapping, survery administration, and I do bleive that if you are not sure what it is, we can do it anyway.


    We serve the public. We care about the social good. We are committed to making difference. We nourish the wellbeing. You know the social wellbeing, certainly the economic wellbeing, of course not forgetting the environmental wellbeing, and tangentially but no less certainly the political wellbing, and induptably the legal and regulatory wellbing. We call this the web of wellbeing. For us, no wellbeing gets left behind. Wellbeing sets us free. More than any other organisation, NGO, sustainable small/medium enterprise, social collective of non-profit orientated caueses, degrowth business ventures, think tanks and advocacy collectives, we improve the wellbeing. We have our own indigenous experts that report up to our indigenous-minded decision-makers. We promote effective, meaningful engagement with indigenous communities, rainbow communities, rural communities, disabled communities, business communities, all the communities. Whatever the case there most certainly is NOT a back channel around official information requests as a private actors. We are different from the ‘Big 4’ !


    Am I selling it? Join our mission of creativity for social change ! I’ll scehduel a meeting in the office ASAP.


    In person: In the corner, by the wall, the exposed concrete bursts around the bitchfest. Indicators substantial: including, but not limited to, a red mug hardening lip lines of drank black death staring somewhat seedily at the bruises of the brown banna. Tisssues flicker in the air conditioning, a notepad lies dead and buried face down in enforced hyper concetrate of 26 liquid dymbols of well known obllescne (going locally by the credo “Passive Estrangement”). Collateral or productisation pesters over the mousepad from the mint towers of wireless wildlife. This is the wreckage of capital in swarm.


    And what is the motion of my kin here? Inconsequential opinions of saviour-affleicted process slaves suffocated in stand up meetings that beat the artist with cast iron jargon. Biweekly constructions of spent effort creep social across the open floowplan. Blue black vanity leaks out of horn rims double pointed fingers feverly glances and ping pong complaints. Pale tongues honorofic are primed by the sophist’s curse of sweet alibis. We put our hands up for our own peace of mind (none of us of course familiar with thhat poor embarassment of state violence). In-house weahter commentations one ripped sleeve, hot coffeebreath and a lisp withered “please” suggest manic gasps of misheard tasks and semi-scheduled portal logged accumalted leave. Clarification flies over his head and the illusion of comfort stretches a recently santisied hand. Oh but I so most centrainly index netwroks (external and internal), that quenched brow timing the water. Are they aware of the potential impact they are having on others? What is my perspective of the project lead taste trickling the jester’s lodging in the crevices of upward social mobility? (To be disucssed further in the advisory note). The race towards the golden tranformation requires top down pay and bottom-up planning. Strategic sodomy. The workforce educator and high level collaborator share in fiscal cahoots. The most is hardly enoguh when our lips are so full of ntothings.


    No im so totaly serious this is the sole method to express, plus, I was shoulder tapped until my head hunted. In other words, I am far linguistic than you. Right class right edcuation right newsfeed. But I think in the executive summary it states disillusionment is not transferable exepertise. Which is all good and fuck, but I am on the very end of my email chain. It takes a village to excite the social good and I am falling way behind. My performance review is slipping out of the door and my 4pm knockoffs are alerting the upper fllor.


    Now, what were the words that got us to this point? My ediotr saus the xzoom interviers but I shout back “tedious”. Law degree, a few societies, a virtual coffee and ‘demonstrate knowdeleg of Te Tiriti’. I said I tknow there to be a few pricniples floating around outh there, they said great you’ve got the job, have yourself $80 thousand buckaroos young man.


    As an enterprising young linguistic savnt, I thought I waould be at home amongst a governmenal clic of clients freed of academic constriants but having learnt that one could walk out of foreign affairs with my pockets full of climate finance, I realised I’d sold my soul to the social good. For every troubled bureacracy has the agitation of capital under its skin. The noologists know the model as ‘land and expand’ and the recommendations are ‘streamline it all’. We say “data is going to play a big role going forward” (I have no idea what a dataset actually is) and above all, most importantly, the absolute zenith advice: this project will require a workshop.


    I have run a through workshops and I’ll tell you right now it’s post it notes and pandering. Say the inconceivable while agreeung with management. One phat project asked: what is the reputaiton of the revenue department’s senior leadership team in 2050? Asnweres on varioous colours spoke, “nobody is reuired by the organisation to exist as it is all automated”, “eternal profit” and “all of us are co-ceos singing kumbya”. ok how do we get there? “Faze out manual rpocesses and restrucutre the bsuiness so that we are technology orientated”. Ok: and who’s leading this? “The current exec and his future successor right here in this very room.” Morning tea let’s break and come back in 20 mins! One fellow I mistook for M Verdurin with classic karori detachments wrote ‘be values based’ on every post it note. The sane walk rpoiudly around here.


    Perhaps these creeks of thought are a little too sharp, a little to quick to terrror, a little too bold for a thursday morning, but one can “perhaps” his way into naked laps. I have proven this scientfiically.


    In a crude sense, at the big picture, this all involves building a new model for the next model, a strategy for the strategyic plan, with a implemnetion plan for the enaggement plan as part of the strategy that accompanies a change management piece with a focus on behaviour redevelopment and inbuilt capability development. You insert now more easily with clearer indicators of white collar impotence. Look ! a new text box of capital, click it and removal all. New gains new revenues appear like that and your commodities just price in whatever new flavour of social corporate repsonability can be cgianed by a few seconds of State budget. Even if the nubers are a bit iffy just use ebita or ebital or ebiat or ebidaf or adjusted reveneu or underying profit to call losses gains (we call infinite debt an intangible asset). Remeber it doesn’t take a homeomorphic miracle to fill a collaterised debt obligation with pigshit. We live in the edit-all age baby ! Then you say stakeholders and communties and leave them all with atuomated consultations which say we need another consultaiton.  Throw up a few graphics get a few summarries (they especially like a process diagaram) and bingoo bob’s your uncle upward wealth shift contract extended organisation thinned. It takes about five recommendations for perestroika. A ceo can kill a whole department when they say a consultnat made me do it. It’s selfdefence. I wasn’t the only one who knew this.


    The presence of abundant capital and the need for coin led to an ever growing riff raff of consultnats on the shore of governemnt porviding billable work and entertainment. It also led to a gorwing amount of disorderly conduct, without any system of law and regualtion to protect quality and fiscal prudence. Wellingotn became the hellhole of governece.  The public servants much degraded, undermined by outcomes and deliverables, lost themselves behind emails and vlaue chains leading to very visbile departmental prostituion.


    These public servants I think are best described as “bots”. Sometimes theres 7 of them sometimes theres 70 of them. I once asked one balding and patchy young strapping lad what he thought of the parliamentary protests and he shrivelled up and told me he took 7 days off to weep.  I asked what a baton to the face meant for insubrodiantion and he said “the police have cute dog videos on linkedin”. I pressed I said “Most exellent man, are you who are a citizen of Wellington, the greatest of cities and the most fmaous for wsidom and power, not ashamed to care for the admiration of state power and wealth and repression, when you neither care nor take thought for the marginalised and justice and perfection of the soul?” He wishperied with a lisp and  what used be camp or metro sexual but I guess is really just a little gay nasaly nonviolent nuncupation, no, nattering newspeak ndsaid “No, not at all.” When I then asked for a timleine, he cited, with scrunced eye brows clsed in mental agony, that the best he could do was give me “a fortnight from the next fornight”. Or “at least five casual fridays from now.” I suggested that he pay for my report and then put his name on it,  I just needed his previous report to base my report on. He said “fantastic!” and put me in touch with another consultnt and galloped off in a laugh with his lgbt lanyard rattling against a sushi bowl. The money came early.


    Ineptitude is a punch down when writing the public service but truth be told in Pynchon’s tongue that way up there in the  mignight lights of the scafolded beehive are a million beureaucrats in vegan slippers  dilligently plotting death ( and some of them even know it !). This alll done woth my perfectly grmamatcial recommendatsions speeding it all up. And some of them even know it !


    Exposition given lets taste the body and blood of the present. Eagre unread emails the lethragic’s medium of choice.


    Re: Webinars.


    Hi Warhol,


    Hope you are feeling better ! Attendance needed. Your writing style would be well appreciated to take the notes for today’s sessions. Reproduce for circulation EOD.


    Ta.


    8:59am laptop dies. Nte tkaing on the notes app, liseing cameraoff on zoomapp:


    Rawleighs Consulting Fortnightly Team Meeting Minutes.


    Topic: Public service guest talk, “How to provide policy advice in a world of change.”


    Chair: Boss.


    APologies: Danielle, Sue.


    Minute Taker: Warhol.


    “Settle down. Settle down. Are you all joined up there online? Right well let’s have aquick karakia teamies !”


    It is a sight to behold a room full of 30 consultants whispering a prayer. Pick a spot on the opposite wall and cringe for 2 minutes. You could shoot a man by eye contct. A 9am presentation of mdeium term fincial position is of course a natural cremeony to bwgin with an ancient incantation invoking spiritual guidanc and protection. I never said lip service.


    Company update:


    Policy team: Congrats to Vicky for her promotion! Jezebel is pregnant. Farewell to Marge. Webinar learnings have been shared and training course was fun. Bertha presents to the climate change board today. Vince and Sandra are helping local body councils with pro bono work. Shoutout to everyone helping the iwi.


    Evaluation team: Third provider to help interviews with Pacific peoples. Milestones: community alcohol levy evaluation has been put in. Huge work to get to this point. Katy your assessment of it: “Alcohol is bad. There are lots of reasons why it’s bad. There are hopefully a few things we can do about.”Celebrating Eve’s marriage as well. $250K project won from health, $100K from the other part of health, $300K from the evronemnt, etc.


    Yada yada I shall cut short for brevity (for remeber, I am an artist!). The minutes are verbatim (admittedly taken by an artist). But let’s digress, as I haven’t much time and while art might be the cream on my coffee Rawleighs Consutling is my bread and butter.  This tedious minutiae contonues with all the names of those living way up there in the new builds outside common life. Three Steves, a Stacy or two, Kylies and Graces the kind that will spit “what do you do for living” also known as “hello” at your barbeque and wed themselves in the majesties of work husbands and wordles.


    Next up owtihout further ado the wonderful Diane.


    “How to provide policy advice in a world of change.”


    Senior Policy Advisor Diane Diana-Dianson. Public servant. 20 years of experience. Beady eyed abyss skinned emailer with oat milk latte in habd. She evidenced rhe slowonset degradation of what were once laughs into now oddly voluminous poken word exhales.


    “It’s all about making policy advice better. Short terminism is an identified problem with policy advice. Part of my job is facilitating the bureacracy of the system. Our mission is to build a high performing policy system. Twenty years of experience means I’ve seen it all. The higher up the lights are on in the Beehive, and the later it is, the worse the crisis the following morning (ha ha !)”


    It was Diane who invented the social distancing rules over pinot gris and whiteboard markers.


    “Our focus is on… 1. Improve and extend Policy Project frameworks, tools and guidance 2. Promote awareness and use of Policy Project frameworks, tools and guidance 3. Support agencies to build policy capability and improve quality of advice 4. Build and maintain an active policy community 5. Operate at the policy stems level: include a long term insights briefing that finds paying policy writers more will lead to better quality policy advice 6. Monitor and evaluate performance and respond to findings.”


    Coffe poour. Laptop still dead. On the phone listening on the phone writing (“The surace of writing is no longer dead white…”) But I digress, dear diane:


    “High-performing policy agencies… 1. Understand what quality policy advice is 2. Ensure policy staff have skills needed to deliver quality advice 3. Diagnose and plan to improve organisational policy capbility. This new focuus and criteria aa came out under my wacth.”


    This new focus and criteria ll came out nder Diane’s watch.


    “On the role of people… People matter but they are not enough. what is a mere person without a mechanism? All good frameworks have multiple layers. Context and analysis, arm in arm, birth a happy brood of advice and action. The next version of the thing provides more detail. This detail arrives in an army of hexagons. If you want more detail around what free and frank advice means, check the bulletpoints. Before we respond and provide advice, we must consult the checklist. We compose a self-assessment on the quality of our policy advice, and this comprises the data of our system. And then this forms the basis of our policy system. Self-assessment is the bedrock of quality policy advice.”


    Clap react in the chat. What is insight like this if it cannot produce a virtul clap? The nobel prize of 9am knowkedge.


    “On the policy improvement framework… The policy improvement framework relies on “some knowledge” but also “applied skills”. We added 20 key areas to the triangle policy skills framework. I had the genius insight of saying the education system is broken. No one else knew this. In my perception I also noticed that the healthy system was struggling a bit. One never needs to say why — that’s an assumption. Go to town on the risks.


    On additional resources… Flagging the fact that there is an additional policy methods toolbox. In fact there are many more resources. There are even resources on the resources. If you google it you should find it. The voice of community is evidence. Fund the generation or creation of evidence if it doesn’t exist yet, so it can support your point.


    On the policy capability framework… Now there is also a policy capability framework which asks questions, inquiring philosophically into the “customs centricity”. Everything matters, but a really good agency focuses on the light grey square. But there a number of other things that matter in the boxes, which then requires an additional resource that looks at “elements”, “lead questions”, “lines of inquiry / indicators”, and asks questions such as “where are we now?”, “where do we want to be?”, and then the really important part: “what will we do to get there?”. The aim is to identify strengths saying “good on us!”. We’re looking for things we don’t even talk about. While this is aimed at a government policy agency, there are insights for you people as well.”


    Question time. Time to face the music. We are in the harsh bitter season of performance reviews so the ‘cyclists’ clamour. Cyliststs is a term often used for employees who bow down to those above them and trample those below.


    Question One: What is “free and frank” advice?


    “For me, the core of it is telling ministers what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear. But this isn’t always the case. I can think of an example of when I was at Corrections concerning the sex offenders registry and after 2 months research I had to tell the Minister that the opportunity cost for stopping sex offending was too high. Took me a while to build up support within the system for my advice. The key point was saying that within a day a journalist could get the same information. This was for Minister Childs. So upon this, they went ahead and cut it. It’s about being tactful and firm. The other anecdote that sticks in my mind, walking back from the Terrace after dishing advice that the Minster didn’t want to hear, was the statement “I want to be respected not liked”. I changed jobs after my advice was rejected. Didn’t want to stick around to hear what the feedback was later. I was happy once she knew, I’d done my job.”


    “Question Two: What is an analytical framework?”


    “Whatever you want it to be, in support of your point.”


    “Question three: Is rewriting advice key if faced with opposition from the Minister?”


    “Any time I talk to someone when they say they rewrite advice to get a result, I worry this means that we have no free and frank advice. But hey, I am an optimist in life (ha ha !)”


    “Question four: Last week we presented a policy advice webinar and a lot of the questions were about what quality engagement means, especially when you’re moving at pace. Are you surprised about this?”


    “No, I am not. I have always said to people when asked my thoughts on policy analysis: whether you’ve got 6 months or 2 days, there should still be the same quality of time spent on these things. It is better than nothing after all. Also I ask myself, how can I use the networks I’ve got through branches and the joys of technology? We haven’t got all day, but we can communicate quickly these days to tap into the networks we already have.


    Thank you.”


    This notetaker pretty much got the gist of it. now last 10 minutes new staff tell us a bit about yourself. mornign tea will be ready for those in the office in a jiffy. My name is walter/lucy (I onfess I cant remember). I live in the city. I have a cat paddles. I go to the gym. I enjoy the weekned markets. I like to go tramping. I like to read my kindle. I like equality. I like to eat brunch. I like empowerment. I like netflix. I like the all blakcs. I like to travel. I want to save the world. Annnddd I’ve done 9,000 steps today!!!!!!


    Honest not poor folk. So honest we never had a single diagreement becuase it is an open secret that today’s consultnats are only the executors of the impulsional imperatives of capital (if Mr C says jump I say how high?).My kin chop time from you while chopping the dead weight and implanting bold viisons of technology under your new emphasis. We put the screens in the libraries and ipads in thehopstal waitroom. In fact we took about seventy thousand nurses’ wages and put them in our dividiend.  We give our best through learning and growing together to be better together. We raid the fruit bowl. We run in our allocation of lunchtime. We even tell a story of our weekend spilling social skills all over our desks. We go electrofishing in the treasury for social values. We have no experience of making anything substantial or enduring. We live in a world of abstractions and images, a simulated world that consists in spreadsheet models of reality.  We are in the business of converting seven and one half demoninations of unaudited time into exorbiatant chrage out rates into coutnless recomendations into a contract extension into a new EV and a third rental. We can justify anything and achieve absolutely nothing. We are agile.


    Now of course I can’t remeber all the bits that made it in, however consider me Kinbotean. plus I was distracted by some private love reacts. But enough politics.


    Meeting finished. Notes takne. Presentation in 2 mins. Laptop back again. Work phone recording. There are people waiting in the lobby.


    Gather rouund children sit down a listen. My rpresntation. My virtual presneation. Me on the mic. All in a morning’s work really.  Prepare to be consulted. Spitting lies in capitalised disbelief. Writing is cognitively challenging, so get your story straight verbally before you wirtie. My turn now, for it is I who holds the power of the mute button. Yours truly, as speaker with chrage out rate of appx. $300 per hour (depends on the clinet).


    “Hello hello, are you all joined up there online? Wow where is ervyone zoomin in from? What a beautiful backgroudn you’ve got Matt, looks liekt there’s sunny weather out there. Whereabouts are you? North Dunedin, beautiful place. Lucky lucky.  Howzit up here? It’s all windy wellington, living up to the name. Can’t beat it on a good day though. Amanda that looks like a steaming coffee in your hand. No it’s actually guava-extract decaffienated essence of elderflower cinemon-infused obsidian tea? What a drop! The builders are aournd so on mute. no problemo. Few people stremain gin now. Great jersey there Simon. Up the Wahs ! Appreciate everyone giving up their morning hour for this event. We’ll just wait a couple mins to get the stragglers.


    One thing I want to just acknolwedge at the outset, is how improessive it is that the Public sector has really got behind this mahi. i have alwas admired the policy writer’s willingness to learn. It often sets them apart. And just while we’re still joinging, it relly is a pleasuer to work closely across the sector to spread this important message.This makes for high quality policu advice, which is amazing and leads to an incredibly resilient public service overall. Few more now. Ok this looks great.


    Woohoo without further ado welcome one welcome all. Kia ora koutou. It is wonderful to have you join us for this important kōrero today. We have over 500 people joining from all acrosss the motu today. An dthank you very much to those who are jining us for the evry first time. For those of you unware, We are Rawleighs COnsulting a Trans-Pacific consultancy dedicated to making a positive impact in communities.


    Just ebfreo we begin a Bit of housekeeping. I am recording this in my flat to really nail noise levels and  I have been a touch under the weather so please also excuse my voice. WHat’s more, I’ve also had an unfortunate diagreement with my personal phone this moring and It’s currently sitting in rice. Would you blieve it? So I’m glad to join you all and I hope to be exempt from any more tech trouble !


    SOme house rules: We will have alive chat box for quesetions. Feel free to place your questions in theert at any time, and I will address them at the close of each section. I aim  to speak to the slides which aredesigned to shpae the thought here. We are aiming to use the full 45 mins. In the middle of things we will have a quick 2 min break.


    By the end of this session you wili be better eqipped and prepared to combat misnfomrtaion and disinformaiton with the clrarity of your wiritng in your public service reports and cabinet papers.


    Introduction. Just a littl ebit about me. My name is Warhol and today I will be presenting on plain lanugage writing. I’ve been policy writing non stop for 5 years. I have policy coming out of my ears. I am a tained barrister of the law and have a strong passion for wiritng.  I am a writing prize recipient, scholar and have writieen submissions for a host of clietns across the public sector. I have immense respect for breaking complext porblems into tdelvierable outcomes. I pride myself on clarity and simplicyt. I have wrttien cabinet papers and reveiws and policy that is strong as an ox. In all the writing products I have produced, I am cofniednt tht I have xpresed myself in plain terms. Now on the cahrge of dropping a bit of Camus into the consumer advoacay consultation submission on energy hardship; well there I am a guilty man ! But trust me whna I say of all the work I preoduce it with clarity forn t of mind. After all if it cannot be expressed clearly, it cannot be expressed. In my free time I like to read and walk up various hills.


    If there’s no intiial questions, let’s rip into it.


    Purpose. The Purpose  of this presentation is to explain the elationship between plain lanugage and misinformation/disunformation. We want to remove that grey area where misinformatino lurks, as this is the difference between good policy and poor policy. Or life and death.


    Problem definition. What are the feautres of good writing? What really knocks the socks off the cleintele and gets our ministers lending their ears? Plain lanugae. Undeniable lanugae. The lanugae so clear you can see straight through it. Rember alll writing is commercial writing. We want to spread lanuggae that is digestible to experiets and non experts alike. Be literal and ddirect. Resist the urge to be creative or metaphorical. Abstract concepts ca make your reader lose interest. Our purpose here is to improves the ffectivness and acocuntability of the public eservice. We want acceessible texts for public eyes, with clear intesnions, nice and concise. Rock solid advice in fact ! You know it wehn you see it dont you ? But how do we make it ourselves?


    SLide OnE: Content


    It’s best to ebgin by asking: What’s the context? Denmark at war, trouble brewing. What’s the issue? Murder, incest. What are we going  to do about it? Revenge. Whag does the deicison maker need to worry about (what are the risks)? certinaly imprisonment, but usurpation must only occur with an admission of the killer’s guilt in a formal setting. WHat needs to happen next (identiify the decisions and actions required)? Action, in the first place, and then referbaly a quick vengeance followed by a gratifying ascension to hte throne. And the prince lived happily ever after.


    Now some specific tips. Purpose statement: Prince Hamlet has feigned madness. He is pretending to be mad because he is impotent and thus putting off action. His charcter is easily explained. Keep it short two-3 snetences is fine.


    Explain Why the reader is getting the advice: in your capcity as decision maker, there is no need for you to explore the text furhter. Explian the anlaytical frameworks used and define assessment criteria: there’s a longstaiding consensus that impotence is the theme of the tragedy, and by studying the most ocmmon words used by each character it is clear that in all opiionns the Prince is fakemad. PLus academic consisus considers consensus to be expertly approved.


    And wev’ve got a question in the chatbox alradY.


    10:07 AM Hannah (Ministry of Health): “What do we do when there’s ambiguity?”


    Extremely Perceptive question, Hannha from Helath. this is a very common problem. I believ in the old cut it down and interpret peice by piece until ambiguity is squished to inexistence. Asumme your way out of trouble and slither towards generality. Phone a friend if necessary.


    Slide Two: Language and Style


    What makes for acceptable language and style? We’ll start with a simple one: use common words. You are all intelligent poeple my learned friends, but in the public service we can certianly do without the sesquipedalian and scullion cetainly not murther nor malefactions or pigeon-liver’d. We don’t need the myriads when we’ve got the manys (ha ha !)


    In terms of sentence structure: Subject - Action (Verb) - Object works everytime. “Emily through the ball” or a favourite line: “I’ll wipe away all trivial fond records, All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past”.


    Now the active voice is your best friend. Make love to the passive sparingly. These changes were welcomed by pariticpants is not worth pariticpants welcomed these change. and the polyc team will develop a strategic plan not A strategic plan will be devleoped. Not to be or not to be but not to be or be not to be nor not to be or not to be but to be.


    explain acronyms and limit their use. keep paragraphs and sentences short. use gender neutral lanugage. use people’s terms for themselves. A really crucial point: use corrrect spellling, grammar and punctuation — zero defects ! Remmeber gramma is the sign of perfection, and that’s what we’re after. I think the Bard certianly syffered from the aubse of the comma (ha ha !)


    And our last little number: no jargon ! Deployability and building blocks and core competiencies and results driven key perfomance indicators, well the missions creeped through the key dependices and opened up the eimplentation gates. Keep it simple folks! Are we sure we can be happy that social protection has been subjected to critical disucsisions over the years, partly becuase of neoliberal reforms leading to the privatisation, commodification and fincnailiastion of public goods, especillay in the area of wellbeing? I mean really, do we need a flourish in every entraance? (ha ha !)The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.


    And wev’ve got a question in the box again. Great work team keep them coming !


    10:15 AM Anonymous: “In my experience, a report’s basic task is laying bare any sort of conventionality. It is the experience of all that is vulgar and falsely stereotyped in human relationships. All ideological forms, that is, instituions, become hypocritical and false. While real life, denied any ideological directives, becomes crude and bestial (introducing falsehood). The language and style in the immediate soliloquies following “Exeunt, all but Hamlet” indicate that he is not mad but simply a troller (jester not a clown) and run contrary to your assertion that simple language should be tkaen to mean what it says. Just worried you are misleading us here? Please explain.”


    “Shrewd and a rahter ocmplex point but I will touch upon it. A text must clearly define the problem or opprtunity. We are reflecting stakeholder persectives and so must present our evidence and data, and outly any assumptions, uncertainiteis or gaps.  The scenes you mention, are characterised by divided language. He is of course wondering the rooms alone, without any other character nearby and therefore the text speaks primarly to the adudice. With stichomythias staining the laguage it is clear that the ausidence is misappreciated and the text becomes mudled. All the tell tale signs of poor wiritng ! Now I hope that was adequte, but sing out with any further qauetsion and I will address them in time.


    Slide Three: Structure


    Templates are the aim of the name. A Preexisting Hamlet text about revenge was certainly in exitence. Why be original when you can just tear up the past? (ha ha !)


    Have an executive summary ready for anything over 3 pages. Use culear statement headings that emphasise your key message: “something is rotten in the state of Denmark.” Use linking sentences to connect pargrpahs together: “My thoughts be bloody, or be nothign worth” and break up the text with bulltet points or Ophelia in song.


    Basically go with Exce summary then  background then asepcific sections then clonclusions then reocmmendations. Don’t make it long. Who wants to read a brick? 30,000 words is overdoing it. Diagrams are key.


    “And wev’ve got a couple question sin the box again. Great work team keep them coming !


    10:20 AM Anonymous: “The Tragedy is strucutred around isolated soliloquies, which are themselves structureless. Whatever happens outside Hamlet’s mind in these 5 instances is quite incidental to the text. These are his online forums, where he can shout and moan into the void. It is mistake to consider these as anything more than his jaded state of mind in flux. The Prince is a poster, unremarkable in any sense from the common social media user. Or from any person who has shared user generated content. And thus the text is as structured as a profile or wall, which is to say “what’s on your mind”, or structureless. Your practical approach to communication spoils the quality of expressive means, and leads us to a false conclusion.”


    “Not so much a question this one, but a coupele beif thoughts. Can you please explain why a five act play has 5 parts? For this must be evidence of structure. As for your rather leftfield reading of modernity, our man here is quite cearly impotent becuase what he is saying is not written down as ‘Hamlet stabs the King’. SO therefore anything said outside this must of cousre be soem Freudian induced hesistation. I have a great admiration for the rather elaborate thematic deficiencies of the Prince, whcih I would be happy to take offline.


    10:23 AM Emily (Ministry of Social Development): “Having a template will help me out a lot. First thing I’m writing after this great presentation. Thanks”


    Tautoko Emily!  templates are terrific. ANd all assignation of literary criticism should be reserved solely to spotting which templates are used. Rather Tarantinonian. How gratifying is it so say “ahh I ahve seen that before” instead of the boring effort of saying “now that is surely somehting I have never seen before” (ha ha !)


    Slide Four: Process


    The process of wirign can be hard but it need not be. We answer a few basic questions. Think about your reader: who are they? No doubt an educated wordy fellow with a refined eye distractd only by love for the bookform and calculating the hweight of literary excellence in his morning coffee. Or she may be forund spedning summer evenings with a novel and perusing the dicitonary by candle light. I think them phoneless and completely undistractd at the very elast. They are a wordle wizz and as pateinent as a metlink commuter.They are also willing ot put themselves through whole chapters of tedious ruminartions on things seen on twtter and said by someone funnier because books that are good are books that are connected to the online sphere. Patricia Lockwood is a geat example of this. She wrote it all on a phone? Very impressive. Our very own ELeanor Catton’s Birnam Wood leverages this foundation. Remeber readers are more than happy to withstand a needlessly wellconnected blogger who has turned his post divocrce mental crisis or coooking diaries through a lanugage model, got it publichsed and then thought ‘wow I really am the new Joyce’ (ha ha !)


    What do you want the reader to do as a result of reading the advcie? Revenge, revolution or respect.


    Naur this next one is a biggie: what are you trying to say? Know what your story is before you start witing it. Have it written before it’s written. Have time for peer reveiw. Show it to your manager’s manager and anyone but your fam. And finally give it one last read aloud ffor sense bfore finalising: “O Heaven ! A beast that wants discourse of reason Would have mourn’d longer”.


    Ask yourself, is the content watertight? If antyig sounds wrong, if antying is without precedent cast it aside. Criticise and play it safe. A good rule of thumb is to make a repeated remark throughout your report that the probem, the stakeholder engagement, the country, the department, the world, the setting, the phone, the kingdom is absolutely positively A-ok and nothing is remotely wrong at all. This of course helps for the digestibility of your workd. In fact, going so far as to labelling an issue or a character “good” and another “abd”, helps with audience retention. For example, Prince Hamlet is a liar and therefore he is bad. Whereas Claudius, based on the text given, never says a word out of turn to anybody and is rather admirable.


    Here I want to streess moving from the most general idea to the most specifc idea. We are in the business of themes peopel ! So make it easy for your reader. Save them time. tell them what it’s all about before you’ve even begun. prefably in generalities, the details never matter. EVen the wikipedia summary can even be summarised fruther. Detials are dangerous and unnecessary.


    A couple mroe questions in the chatbox:


    10: 27 AM Graham (Ministry for Women): “Is this being recorded? I hope so, because I’m missing a lot of great content through buffering...”


    “Hi Graham! It’s because the feed is too high definition for your internet. To solve this problem hover over the video, in the bottom right select the cog and choose a lower video quality option, taking it off auto which is what causes the skipping.”


    10:30 AM Anonymous: “Consciously speaking to the audience is perceived as inauthentic. In his soliloquies, where Shakespeare is at his most lengthy, it is clear that private performance is still a performance and like the rampant poster, there is no neat divide into truth and falsehood. Moreover, his speech is not mere self-deception or reassurance, but it is simply the release of catch-and-release. He soaks up the anxieties of external thought and bleeds it out into pureform unreasoned relics of mental vomit and the scholars pick thruogh it like sparrows. The idea of the audience as a stable entity that congregates around a media object has been displaced with interpretive community, “fandom” and participatory culture. These are concepts that assume small, active, and highly engaged groups of people who don’t just consume content but produce their own as well. We are Hamlet on our message boards and thus he is not a one dimensional liar or madman. If he is mad, he is as mad as the poster, whether anonymous or celebrity. There is no disctinction between audience and author. It is quite impossible to diagnose a person’s sanity based on the posts they write. And I think this presentation is overestimating the connexion between authorial psyche and produced content. You would be wise to reread the text completely.”


    “Very intersting and mutifaceted assertion here, but in my expertise I think this is rather shortsighted narrowminded and off topic consideration. The man is feigning madness for he himself says ‘I’m feigning madness’ somewehre in ther. PLuts it’s widely agreed. As for the integration of modern forms of expression. Totallty irrelvant. The online forums, the tumbling mediums of blogged thinkpol, are immaterial to the content provided. It is so very clearly is stated in the text by many parties, in fact a mojority of parties thta the man is fake. And so in the instance, of the majority of diegetic charters saying he’s faking it, the scholars saying he’s faking it and Hamlet himself sayiing he’s faking it, well I am sorry sir or madam or they/them, but it is celar that the majoirty is vindacated here. I am also supported by AI on this matter.


    Okey dokey. Thanks guys we’ll take a quick 2 min break. Grab a cuppa or have a stretch. I am a licensed mental helath aadvocate. I support atrisk yyouth. I relaly enjoy sharing insights and tips about metnal health. Specifcally our work focuses gaianig confidence to be abel to hae courageous concersations with people you are concerned about. I teach a weekly community course about recignsiging the signs of disllsiconment and mental healht issues. I then provide tools for  architecting effective intervention, with a foucs on  youg men. We have helped many youn gpeople solve their issues with breathing exercises and goal setting. I really do have a passion for  mindfulnessss and stress conmprtmentalisation. Please feel free to turn on tune in or drop out.


    Close your eyes.


    Bring yourself to awareness of the present moment.


    Feel the carpet under you or the chair uspporting you or your slippers warming you.


    You are in the right place, right now.


    Take a deep breaht in through your nose, allowing your belly to expand.


    Count to four as you inhale.


    Hold pase for memoent.


    And now exhale.


    Take a breath again , in throu your nose, hold two-three-four, and getly exhale.


    Followwhatever feels most cofortable in the rthym of your breathing. Bring your attetntion tot he top of your head. A warm wave gushes—


    “Sniped him, he’s low like 10 hp. I’m rushing cover me another team rotating out of Salty Springs. SOlo guy pressing north. Yeah man I diin’t knw whtat this guy’s tlking baout but my manager made me go and it’s paid hour off work so I’m keenn to get a W in. I’m pushing, see if you can flank east. ”


    “And I think you’ve got your mute button off there Johnathan, Johnathaon—


    “I’m pusing . I’m pushing. Fuck this solo guy’s loks sweaty as fuck. Dude’s double ramping.  Fuarrrk me it’s john wick. reeeeeeeeee  Bro hit me with a boogie bomb and then one shotted me with the desert eagle. reeee and he’s only gone and flossed on my corpse. Have my gold scar then you sweaty fuck. Fuarkk man these guys should be banned from Fortnite. GGs. Yeah I have shuold have time for anoter couple games—”


    “Hey Johnathon, sorry yep do you mind your mic’s still on. Yep off now thanks.


    Alrighty I might just call the break there.


    OK welcome back team. As I said at the start, we’re now moving onto into disinformation/misnonfromation section.


    Here we are asking: HOw cna organisations prepare themselves to cmbat it the spread of Misinformationdisinformation? And How do we ensure policy does not contribute to the climate of mistrust presently brewing in communities around Aotearoa?


    Now people. I want to quickly point out. And relaly preface this part of the presentaiton by saying these may be terms that not a lof opel may have heard before. disinformationmisinformation. They are big ones with critical social, cultural and poltical implications not only fro  ateaoroa new zealnd but for social democracy more broadly and the idea of the international rules based order. Whic are of course the drving logical foundations of the world of course. But most improtantly, Misdisinformation damages the relationship between social connectedness and trust.


    And so I want to begin with a quiote from then prime minister Jacinda Ardern after the 2021 vaccine mandate protests: “today it will be our job to understand how such a group of people could succumb to such wild and dangeours mis and disfinformation.” And she talked about how many of us have dseen misdismisinformation and dismissed it as conspriacy. And so what we saw with the vaccine protests was a small portion of society had not only believed this information but had actuallya cted upon it in a very extreme and violent way. And so we have a juorney that we need to go on to now try to understand that.


    Slide Five: Why does disonfrmation/misonfrotmate matter?


    This mahi is more relevant than ever as we have seen recently an uptick in misleading information created with the intent to cause to hattrm, or which could reasoble be expected to harm, polticiains and pblic servants.


    The recent AUT survey on media bias showed that 87% believe the news is "biased and unbalanced". Now obviously this issue is far rnaging and so I’m keen to restrcit ourselves to the relevance of dismisfromation in the ocntext of policy writing.


    For ecample, You will ntice that in the play within the play, Hamlet commentates to Ophelia the words of the players. This is a choice example of opinionate critica disourse presented as truth and must be separsated from objective fact. This is hghly reckless.


    I see we’ve got a comment in the chat:


    10:35 AM Victoria (Ministry of Justice): “Hello from Palmy! I still remebr wathcing the protests unfold on screen. It was very scary. I’ve never seen anything like it in little NZ!”


    “Victoria your feeling is entirely valid. These were deplorable actions from a minroity of extremely disillusioned and unhelpful agitators. I have it on good authroity that should a protest happen again, it will be shut down befreo it can even begin. Which is great !


    Slide six: how it works


    Mistidistinformationmation is shared at speed. Operates within an infomraiton vacuum. And often links to preexisting sterotypes about cultures and races that are deeply culturlaly ingrained. It is reactionary styff mostly !


    As policy writers, you can avoid this by never hastening to wrtie reports about issues abd events that occur quickly. WHile admittedly, the internet is omewhat fast and the publication of content is user generated and commercially driven, and the promotion of cotnent is determined by an algorithm that feeds of enegagement, which prevetns verfiicaiton of inforamtion and encourgaes the promotion of material designed to mislead by inciting latent prejudices and rebounding tenfold emotionally charged beliefs, which constantly refresh in an infinite scroll of supercomputered attetnion harvesting amalgamtions of information and image that are in every sense liable to manufacture by not merely unnamed bad actors but ny individual with access to a device for the purposes of intense insant dissemaniation adding to expoential pool of every single possible type of inforation presented on a sceen, but this notwithstanding, us policy wrtiers need to remain calm and write our very lucid assessments for our very wise ministers in a very patient fashiopn.


    One of the things I love about being a consultant is writeing reports for governemtn and ministers that tend to support a well thought out governemtn response to that issue.Especially the reports that note it as something to be acted on at some future point.


    I see we’ve got another comment in the chat:


    10:40 AM Anonymous: "William Shakespeare never once cropped the content of his dramas to play to particular selected crowds. Low and high classes mixed in his audience (admittedly separated by location but in the same building nonetheless). You cannot hope to reach closer to truth by simplifying language. Simplifying both by choosing common words or by shortening the length of information does nothing to convey truth. On the contrary, the notion that truth can be derived from any stream of information is a fool’s mistake. That it can be chopped by a particular audience into statements of fact.  That in commenting, clarifying, collating opinions of the masses, of fact checking and source verifying, that truth will be illuminated. There is no such thing in a pool of 60 words of truth of any consequential matter. There is no distinction between the schizophrenic and sane man’s twitter profile posts. Infromtion is just infromation. The commanders orders and the orgin of the universe and the school shooter’s manifesto are all the same. You cannot community note the works that we receive. When one finally comes to terms with the fact that there is no truth in any informiton presented on a screen, only then can one provide advice to adequately overcome it.”


    “Again less of question but his is a ptently false claim and I think encourgaed by a cloak of anonymity that is harmful to the obbject of torday’s presentation. The consequences of such a perspective are world destroying. You say there is no truth in a screen’s words, like that is a rebel’s proclamtion. By ordering in a logical way the statements we offer about matters, we can build a coherent understanding of the arrangement of a set of facts and make informaed decisions. Does this take time, effort, signifncant manpower, corss referecning, recheckign, amalgamtig, incroproating new information and understanding cognitive biases? Yes I do believe so. Is this contrary to the entire fucntion of the internet and infromation accrual? Yes. But is a case of libel settled in an hour byt he whim of a pair of glasses in a whig? No.  ANd in 500 years of Shakespearean analsysi, it is aslutley clear that we are building a picture of his work that suggests an attainment of absolute truth which is why we no longer require his work and he has now acquired the posiotn of relic. I apologise to the well emaning folks lisetning today, this is quite simply illogical feedback and harmful subject matter.  I will remove this commetner from today’s session.


    Slide seven: determine your source


    Ok . spotting the fake stuff can be tough but in the words of Shaquille O’Neal: “real eyes. realise. real lies.”  coivd was a great example of a centralised infromation source. Government trust was strong and therefore news chenlled through it alone. To retain that level of government trust which is crirtical for low rates of misinformation, centrlasing news output helps. If it’s outside governtment, no can do. Fugazi.


    What is great is flooding the news with experts. Experts believe this. Experts do this. You’ll notice that bastion of verified informaiton, youttube, has great videos where a fictional text or script is analysed for accuracy. Ibelieve an ex-convict helpfully mythbusted the third act jailbreak of a geologicallysteroided Hollywood star’s recent vehicular blockbuster. This is a critical service.


    And I tlike to think you wonderful policy people, are in a similar position. How to we mythbust polictics? How do we consolidate social cohesion? We are of course trying educate on common processes to find common ground and promote common understnidn with common lanugage among ocmmon people in common communtiies of common credos for common intentions by common emotions. Wisely guided algorithms are the eky to this.


    Thus all inforamtion must assume an educative ole. It must state in no uncertain terms exactly what it is about. And to achieve this, material must be gathered and released constatnly outside of the ifnroatmtion itself, to restrain any discursive ambiguities. A report should have at least ten prior breifings, four drafts, a bag of supplemnatary papers and soem intern’s summary. I think it is very likely that all newly arising governemtn info in the future will just be a aseries of videos and phtoos. Or at the very least, consolidating a reaction to widely ciruclated videos, not the event itself. Warnings are a start. But in the sphere of polict analyssi never once take trecoruse to descrive events in a way that suggests they may happen again. Thus a report must have 10 other reports. Perpetual drafts. Trailers change the film.


    SO finanly any ifnormation not in service of this educatoive goal is liable to be false and should be avoided. Policy writing must focus on sourcing it’s outreach, it’s figures and its data from government reports.


    And I think that concludes the formal part of the rpesentaiton. Ia m happy to take any final questions in the chat box


    10: 44 AM Anonymous #2: “You are by far, the worst reader of Hamlet I have ever encountered.”


    “Thans everyone for lis4etning everyone, that concludes the session. Please leave any feedback in the survey at this link.


    10:45 AM Caitlin: “Thanks so much !”


    10:45 AM Lynn: “Nailed it, I have so many learnings to share with my team. Thanks Warhol!”


    10:45 AM Ted: “Beaut”


    10:45 AM Jonathan: “Awesome”


    10:45 AM Graham: “Cheers, great pres”


    10:48 AM Vicky: “Thanks Warhol, this will help my writing a lot”


    10:49 AM Ayesha: “Killed it.”


    [This zoom presentation has ended.]


    Webinar to webinar. Squarerroot of webinar = Webinarsqaaured. Now the following is a little bit more straightforward for I am a genuine listener and learner. And life’s more fun when you’re watching from a comfy cuck chair. But these notes suffer greatly from accuracy. full disclosure I had three videos in addition to my eyesight. A lot of people rely on these notes.


    Tap zoom code.


    Int. Meeting Topic: The Treaty of Waitangi in the Workplace. A self-paced workshop to gain a shared foundational understanding of Te Tiriti.


    Scduled: 11:00 AM


    Waiting for host to start the meeting


    Host Sign In Test Speaker and Mic


    Your Video Preview


    Handsome man, snow cheeks kissed by blonde.


    Zoom presentation lobby. This webinar will start in 5 mins.


    What got us here?


    Well for a start the abduction of a Māori woman by the NZ company. Although she was in title a senior consultant like any one of the other pink cheeked balds, only one month in, she was now the sole repositiroy of company position on every whic action concerning Māori, Māoridom and indigenity in general and globally. Now if you please sign off oon this shaky engagement.“Overall the MInistry of Health did an effective job of protecting Māori communities during the pandemic (vacciantion rates, medical access, broader health outcomes notwithstansing)”. Now also sign off on the assignation of blame for this iwi and that iwi (“failed to make time to meet with the consultancy’s review panel in a 2 week timeframe in early february”). To be fair to the company, the name of the salesforce program charting billable hours is in Māori and someitmes means “One” and also means a “full house” in Texas hold em. This counts as a Treaty principled decision (redress).


    I was in meetings where pepeha were clapped and a “ka kite” was sold as deep expertise. For if I could tell you that an intern two months removed from relasing her Māori ancestry was written into contract as a specialist tikanga advisor would you believe me? I know some of you will. We got paid tikanga rates ! Nevermind the towel-poes I came along on ride alongs where 150000 K was spent on a report convicning deicion makers that Māori health outcomes were outside othe scope of the ministry of health. That if iwi had success it was the ministry’s success and if iwi failed then they should have asked for help. Turns out they just need to be more efficient. Let’s thin the fat. Let’s remove all.


    And had I ever written “te tiriti was considered and honoured” in this report or that report? Only every single week wiht my very loudest wordiest affirmations in the very smallest corner of those executive summaries (“Overall, within the scope of the terms of reference, Treaty principles guided the general decison making processes of the deparrtment”). It’s very easy to say a ministry’s consultation in Te Tairawhiti happened with sizeable, in-depth considered and menainguful engagement based on a 15 min zoom call from the comfort of my Newtown flat.


    You see performance assessments crafted a special kind of confinement for her. Expand her emotinal and social intelligence to become a better ‘decision making architect’. Identify and overcome pitfalls in ‘devleoping wise judgement’ and making ‘effective decisions’. Adopt skills for designing accountbaility systems for jusdgment and decision-making for ‘gaaining support for her decisions’. Ensure she is ‘measured’ in her commentary taking note of ‘candour and audience’, and ensures ‘emotions are kept in check’. Also work on all aspects of her ‘comunication with senior leadership’. She was to water it all down, code her tone let her words be checked for size and make her doubts come first. Now please lead the karakia. Say it again. And tomorrow and the next day. No reason, you are really good at it. Preach the new gospel of palatable Treaty interpretation. Water down water down water down. Whisper her suggestions but be preapred for the unpromtped pull awyas for the next pōwhiri  (turns out it’s tomorrow morning sharp, lead it). Water down water down. Treaty is all about intention, or piciniples or generalised interpretation isn’t it? Isn’t it. Water it down. For isalnders, danger is always what comes from across the water.


    In the end they threw her straight into HR complaint purgaotry, buried in deferral in indefinite postponement like Kafka’s K, until she was suffcated in isolation forced into announcing her resingation at which point 100 people asked if she was ok and that she was bravve and that she had their support at all times in the future, in the future.


    Anyway management felt bad or it had leaked a little (who I wonder!) and this was a wellbeing focused place so they sent the voluntary to a ‘Treaty of Waitangi in the workplace’ corporate course to buy some good faith.


    [Meeting started.]


    Enter 30 rectangles. 30 people. 30 pākehā. in varying extents of pajamas. Some cough others are poruing steamy cups. A few dip in and out of black spaces with names in Helvetica. Some yeawn. Some are extremely alert shuffling papers. Some are talking off camera. Some have tarmac headphones with fluffy black mics. Others have white snails in their ears and others just ahve one snail.  Some have eyes reading close into the camera, spasming from right to left. One is infront of egyptian pryramids. Another in the milky wya. A few are enclosed in a grey swarm of disfigured colour, sometimes becoming consumed by the fog. A few like me are looking chin down in a narrow vertical standing cube of thin vision. But most are all black squares with mic off. And one black space titled “IT” exists in top right isolation.


    (A few mins go by and a cheerful man in front of planet earth asks)


    CHEERFUL MAN: Are you in the office Stacy?


    (Silent pause. Cough echoes faraway unmiced. Shuffle of industrial chair.)


    STACY: Yeah I’m having a half and half day for a meeting.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Any life in there?


    STACY: Not really. a few partners were wondering aorund in the kitchen earlier.


    CHEERFUL MAN: (dubiously) might head in tomorrow.


    STACY: Good luck to you. (thinking) DId you read th ematerials?


    CHEERFUL MAN: The materials?


    STACY: yeah in the email.


    CHEERFUL MAN: The email?


    STACY: (coughs) Yeah it was sent a while ago.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Oh yes thee materials. (wondering) what did you think?


    STACY: Of the materials?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Yep the materials.


    STACY: Haven’t seen them.


    CHEERFUL MAN: I’d suggets it.


    STACY: Suggest what?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Seeing them.


    STACY: I’ll see what they say.


    CHEERFUL MAN: They were vilutnary.


    STACY: The materials?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Readiing them.


    STACY: What about seeing theM?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Think that’s voluntary too.


    STACY: What?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Seeing them and reading them are both volutnary.


    STACY: Seeing them can’t be volutnary.


    CHEERFUL MAN: How so?


    STACY: Sight can’t be voluntary.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Yeah it is.


    STACY: What if you blink?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Then you blink again.


    STACY: No, no, you misunderstand me.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Do I?


    STACY: I hope not.


    CHEERFUL MAN: How so?


    STACY: I can see the materials but I can choose not to read them.


    CHEERFUL MAN: But seeing them must count for something.


    STACY: Hmmn reminds me of another webinar I saw.


    CHEERFUL MAN: What did you see?


    STACY: The materials.


    CHEERFUL MAN: No no the other webinar. Did it have materails?


    STACY: I can’t say.


    CHEERFUL MAN: But did you see them?


    STACY: It’s very hard to remeber.


    CHEERFUL MAN: (with empathy). That’s ok.


    (time passes)


    STACY: where is the host?


    CHEERFUL MAN: The host?


    STACY: Yeah for the meeeting.


    CHEERFUL MAN: I thought there were two hosts.


    STACY: Two hosts? Is that possible?


    CHEERFUL MAN: I can’t see why not.(scrutinising) Submject to persmissions…


    STACY: Why do you need permission?


    CHEERFUL MAN: No, no persmissions. zoom permissions.


    STACY: (indignant) Taht’s what I said .


    CHEERFUL MAN: Hardly.


    STACY: Why?


    CHEERFUL MAN: (with authority) Permissions, as I understand them, are meeting permissions that affect the technical settings of the meeting.


    STACY: Really?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Yep I heard it said onece.


    STACY: Where?


    CHEERFUL MAN: In a meeting.


    STACY: Did you see them?


    CHEERFUL MAN: The amterials?


    STACY:  What?


    CHEERFUL MAN: The permissions?


    STACY: Can you see permissions?


    CHEERFUL MAN: (with deference, and the naked ankle of the profound) Only sometimes.


    STACY: Where do you see them?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Through the eyes of host, I do bleive.


    STACY: Impossible.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Why do you say that?


    STACY: Impossible.


    CHEERFUL MAN: No it isn’t.


    STACY:  Well surely permissions are the same as permission.


    CHEERFUL MAN: No, no, they’re not alike at all. Couldn’t be more different.


    STACY:  More different. How do you mean?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Permissions are the architecture of communicatoin, defining the spaces of interaction. Permission is the granting of the request of entry.


    STACY: I’m not sure about that.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Doesn’t matter if you’re sure about it.


    STACY:  How do you mean?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Well permissions exist regardless of your belief.


    STACY: I hope not.


    (silence. COughs. Time goes on.)


    STACY: Now two hosts did you say?


    CHEERFUL MAN: I beg your pardon.


    STACY: Did you mention two hosts earlier?


    CHEERFUL MAN: I have no idea.


    STACY: Well based on what I can remeber you metnioned two hosts.


    CHEERFUL MAN: I suppose that’s true.


    STACY: True?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Yes.


    STACY: But you can hardly sya it’s true if you don’t remeber it. Truth cannot be supposed.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Possibly not. But I’d like to think so.


    STACY: (relieved) That’s fine with me.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Now I am sure there are not two hosts here currently. I am almost absoutely sure of that.


    STACY: How cna you be so sure?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Well the meeting hasn’t seemed to start.


    STACY: How do you mean?


    CHEERFUL MAN: This meeting hasn’t started.


    STACY: That’s preposterous. Of course it’s started.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Now why do you say that?


    STACY: Well otherwise what would you say this is?


    CHEERFUL MAN: This?


    STACY: This dialogue.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Hmmmmmnn.


    STACY: (breathes out, mentlaly considering) Maybe this is the meeting.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Impossible.


    STACY: Well what are we here for?


    CHEERFUL MAN: A meeting.


    STACY: And so to be exactly where we are. For exactly that. Well to me that means we are exactly where we are to be. And theerfore it must already be happneing.


    CHEERFUL MAN: The meeting?


    STACY: (voice distant) I would venture to be even more mroe radical I’m afraid.


    CHEERFUL MAN: How so?


    STACY: I say the meeting starts with the materials.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Really. Why?


    STACY: Well the maeterials are what we’re having a meeting over.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Do you really think so?


    STACY: I think it must only be so.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Interesting. I wil have to think about tht some other time.


    STACY: When?


    CHEERFUL MAN: At antoher meeing, I shhould liek to think then.


    STACY: All power to you.


    (both drink from a drink. Stacy a steel contraption as big as her face. The cheeful man from a dirty glass.)


    STACY: Now earlier you said something of drmatic interest.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Me?


    STACY: If not you, then who?


    CHEERFUL MAN: You might have seen it in the maetials.


    STACY: That is true.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Well, what is it?


    STACY: Well, and I waylayed on jumping headfirst into any substantial conclsioon. And an inner part of me has been off away from myself analysing this thought without me for some time. But it is this. I think it is beyond all reasonable doubt, in fact a critical impossibility, that there are two hosts currently with us. This is An impossibility I can ccaept. But a possibility I have been thinkng on is that tehre is one host already here.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Is there really?


    STACY: I beg only concisderation of the matter.


    CHEERFUL MAN: ANd how do you knwo this?


    STACY: Because I’ve seen it.


    CHEERFUL MAN: It?


    STACY: IT, the host.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Where?


    STACY: Right up there on the top right sqaure. Labelled IT.


    CHEERFUL MAN: IT the black square are you our host?


    (Blank pause. Silent shuffle.)


    STACY:  IT?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Mybe it is a dummy.


    STACY: A dummy. What do you mean?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Well as I recall, some hosts host through alterior mechanisms. They themselvs occupying — wht is it called?


    STACY: I’m not sure.


    CHEERFUL MAN: (pride of an immortal) Ah swet goodness, it has come to me, occupying another device!


    STACY: (astounded) Another divice? How impresive. IT are you a dummy?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Now why would you ask such a thing?


    STACY: I’m within my rights.


    CHEERFUL MAN: It’s not a quesiton of rights.


    STACY:  Now that isn’t territory I should like to enter.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Well one cannot ask a device if it’s a device. This is the first rule of being a device.


    STACY: Curious. I have cause to disagree but I’m not sure precisely what over.


    CHEERFUL MAN: No matter.


    (silence. Coughs. Shuffling. IT appears camera off, mic on. Speaks)


    IT: Have you read the amterials?


    CHEERFUL MAN: I’m sorry?


    IT: Have you read the materials?


    STACY:  Is this the meeting now then?


    IT: The meeting? Of course it’s the meeting.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Exciting. Well thnak you, please begin.


    IT: Oh no, you are mistaken.


    CHEERFUL MAN: How so?


    IT: I am the meeting host. But I am not the host of the meeting.


    STACY: Please exaplin.


    IT: I am the IT guy.


    STACY&CHEERFUL MAN:  (in unison) The IT guy.


    CHEERFUL MAN: DO you have an indeication as to when the meeting may begin?


    IT: I should like to think it has already begun.


    STACY: It has? Great what an excitement.


    IT: But it hasn’t probably begun.


    (Confsion nestles everywhere.)


    IT: We are in need of two more hosts.


    STACY: (speaking to C) I told you there were two hosts.


    CHEERFUL MAN: (Pondering arhimtically) But if there were two hosts why do we ned two more, shouldn’t we only need one moe?


    IT: Correct.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  Is this a stalemate?


    IT: I am the IT guy and host, but the hosts to arrive are not IT guys. They are the maeetign hosts.


    STACY: The agony.


    IT: they are the instructors .


    CHEERFUL MAN: (with extreme deference) Do you know when the hosts will arrive?


    IT: I will when they arrive.


    STACY: How so?


    IT: I will admit them when they are in the lobby.


    STACY: Why are they not in the lobby?


    IT: They are expereicning tech trouble.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  (in ruins) Tech trouble. What a misery!


    STACY: Modern hunger.


    IT: It is unfortunate.


    STACY: Can you tell us why they haven’t arrived?


    IT: No, I go by what the phone says.


    CHEERFUL MAN: What does the phone say?


    IT: That they have not yet arrived.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Very interesting.


    (whispers of micscrophone ehters and movement and camera statics)


    STACY: It says here that the Treaty envisions the retianing of sovereignty. is that true?


    IT: I’d have to see tha mterials.


    CHEERFUL MAN: You haevn’t seen the materials?


    IT: Is it the same one they sent ahead? If they are the ones sent ahead then they must be.


    STACY: But I am dying in struggle here for I am not sure we all have the same materials.


    IT: Why would you say such a thing?


    STACY: Well can we confirm the copies?


    CHEERFUL MAN: How can we do that?


    STACY: (typing exasperated eyebrows in close up) I can’t share my screen.


    IT: Of you can’t. (laughs and coughs) You’re not the meeting host.


    STACY: But why not?


    IT: You haven’t got the permissions to do so.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Hmnnn that is a concept I do almost understand.


    IT: There was a commuunciation about the materials.


    STACY: Really what did it say?


    IT: It was with the ones sent ahead. It said the materiasl are important. And will be discussed in the meeting.


    CHEERFUL MAN: (with not entirely muderouus rage) this is not sufficient!


    IT: what’s nto suffcicient?


    CHEERFUL MAN: well we haven’t started the meeting.


    IT: WOuld you like it sto start?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Well (timid) can you start it?


    IT: Yes i can start it. (does nothing) There we are, now the meeting’s started.


    STACY: Well what do we do now?


    IT: It says here that you should disucss the materiasl.


    STACY: Where does it say that?


    IT: On the phone.


    STACY: Does it say anthing else? What should we discuss?


    IT: I’m not an instructor.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  (piecing ifnormaiton together) No you’re a host.


    IT: That’s the way I am. My mum says I have a computer mind.


    STACY: I beg your pardon?


    IT: I have a computer mind accoring to my mum. I have trouble with my words.


    STACY: I’m sorry to hear that


    IT: Don’t be. It’s a high demand skill. Did you know that you can set different backgrounds?


    CHEERFUL MAN: Relaly? In this world?


    IT: Not possibel to be in another.


    CHEERFUL MAN: I suppose that’s true.


    STACY: It says here that governorship is retained by the crown. Should we disucss this?


    CHEERFUL MAN: it’s something we could ask ourselves.


    IT: Here are the feedback forms (prsents a pdf in the chatbox).


    STACY: Feedback forms for what?


    IT: The meeting. Now that it has begun.


    CHEERFUL MAN: The isntructors aren’t here.


    IT: Doesn’t matter I was told to distribute them when the meeting begins.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Well thnak you.


    IT: Complete them


    STACY: Now?


    IT: At the earliest avaible opportunitu.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  (quizzical, wyes narrowed) Now when would that be?


    IT: That’s for you to decide.


    STACY: Well it can hardly be now. We’re still in the emeeting.


    IT: I thought you were waiting for the instructors.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  I am.


    STACY: I am not. I‘m here for the meeting.


    (Blinks from black rectangles, time continues.)


    CHEERFUL MAN:  I seem unable to non-verbally communicate.


    STACY: How terrifying!


    CHEERFUL MAN: No, no, not all but I am a touch limited.


    IT: Let me see what I cann do.


    CHEERFUL MAN: What are you goign to do?


    IT: (does nothing) There it is. Try now.


    CHEERFUL MAN: Try what?


    IT: Non-verbally communicate.


    (The Cheerful Man raises hands to the skyand screams as loud as he can as if to summon rain in a drought having lost seven children to a plague. He throws a spider plant at the wall, and tips his mug of coffee on his head before smashing his left montior under what is presumed to be his feet.)


    IT: That’s quite neough.


    CHEERFUL MAN: (despondent/gasping, either or it’s up to you) What do you mean?


    IT: I’m sorry I recind that statement.In the meantime just be yourself.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  Be myself? How can I do that?’


    IT: It’ll pass the time.


    STACY: (tears welling) The torutre…


    CHEERFUL MAN:  Perhaps they will not be able to arrive.


    IT: it’s entirely possible


    CHEERFUL MAN:  I have in me an even deeper darker worry.


    STACY: please don’t say it at all.


    IT: I’m here if there’s any tech trouble.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  Stacy let me not burst in ingorance.


    STACY: Please don’t say it.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  but I havent said it.


    STACY: yes but dont’. not until the meeting has finsihed anyway.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  Can I message you stacy? A bruden shared.


    STACY: Will it ruin me?


    CHEERFUL MAN:  that can only be arranged upon tranmission of the text.


    STACY: I am not sure I have the stregnth.


    IT: The instructors will know what to do.


    CHEERFUL MAN: (magnanimous) IT I plead for your silnce I cnanot conetrate on my message!


    IT: I’m always the IT guy but in war only, never peace.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  Would it be rude of me to request you mute yourself?


    STACY: ABoltey ! How could you be so cuel?


    IT: I beg your aprdon! Shall I cut out my tongue ?


    CHEERFUL MAN:  oh that was so dreadful of me. I do hasten to apologise.


    IT: Have I no resect! Have I no human concern ! I’m a man of arithmatic ! I cannot stand for this !


    STACY: What a nightmare.


    IT: it’s not an easy job at all. I live chiefly in ruin, lower than a carcass more necessary than a monarchy.


    CHEERFUL MAN: I do hope to apologise at once.


    IT: it is not on a road of happiness that leads one to mastery of permissions.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  I think you mean permission.


    (time goes on)


    IT: is this conversation helpful so far?


    CHEERFUL MAN:  it’s difficult to say.


    IT: but if you had to.


    STACY: It’s a amtter for the feedback form.


    IT: I’m not an instructor. I cnanot be mentioned.


    STACY: I was also going to suggest it.


    IT:  you (whispering) haven’t got the permissions (comiserating with himself).


    CHEERFUL MAN: I belive after 45 mins the law states a meeting must finish.


    STACY: is that so?


    IT: So it is true.


    CHEERFUL MAN:  very soon I must turn off my camera.


    STACY: Really?


    CHEERFUL MAN:  for I must send the message.


    STACY: What message?


    CHEERFUL MAN:  this message


    (Stacy adjusts eys to corner of camera. Stands back in fear and exits the meeting)


    IT: Where did she go?


    CHEERFUL MAN:  He’s asking the same question again.


    IT: Have I spoken this before?


    CHEERFUL MAN:  I’m sure of it.


    STACY: (returns) The materials.


    IT: have you seen them?


    STACY: They are not the same.


    (The Cheerful Man screams, IT laughs and the meeting is cancelled.)