Blib schiz wooooah stutter step grrrr lag skip jump in and out dribble look away right to left hezzy pull up jump screen broke: bucket. Aahhh what the fuck. Heil Tech support ! my phone is not woring !I can’t see the screen pit of death the smashed rainbow avocado of chipped gorilla glass. Post nut profound, infrastructure meltdown.Hey sexy please wake up ! I need my data. I have infite secutirs deep within my wank bank. Water resistant but not cum resistant, the boffins great oversight. Still working just glitching. ALrighty apple support score sum goals.
Ring ring ring.
Good morning/afternoon you are with tech support, how can I help you?
Good mornging technician, I have cum all throughout the sonic orifices of my iphone device. One must imagine a whole oozing informaticocommoditico river of semen. Whatever shall I do?
Have you tried turning it off and on?
I’m not sure.
Ok! I’d be happy to help you with that. Who am I speaking with?
The great authorino, one Warhol, the caller from last week who sufered a chipped cellular chrge port by way of a perculaliar casualty of my underground caged phone vs crab fight.
Welcome back Mr Warhol! Do you want to pick up where we left off on our last call?
My good man a new turmoil has ruined me. I cannot eplain it any cleare, there is a positive cream pie within my speakerhpne. what would have gained me a 4 bedroom house if it was 1800 and I were a whailer and this was my barrell of spermaceti candle wax, is currently licking the organs of my electronics. My dear electricl engineer I have impregnated my phone ! Order away, whatever must be commanded, I shall obey. Abort this monstrosity.
I’m going to get logged onto your device, run a quick diagnostic to figure out the root of the issue. From there, we should be able to find some kind of solution for you.
With haste man, with haste !
Now, are you in front of your device?
In fornt under on top, I am everywhere and nowehere chief.
OK, great! I am going to give you some simple instructions so we can get logged on and figure out what’s going on. First, I need you to locate the power button. Do you see it?
Like the gooey gristle of a midnight brisket.
Press that button and hold it down for me.
The violence the whimper of a man’s triumph arrrsssshhh my finger is drowing. Are you insane to order such a gallipoli? My finger print is possitively fertile.
Wonderful, now I want you to hold down that button, and while you are holding that down, tell me what comes up.
A dead fish stalks a blackness unttowrd, the chill of Yorrick passes the blank plateau, Ronald McDonald throws a gauntlet of tectonic rumblings and the sky remains cast in the skin of the underworld.
Great job!! Now I’m going to give you something to type in that box. Let me know when you are ready.
(PATIENCE! PATIENCE! PATIENCE! You MUST make sure you take your time with this. If need be tell them the letters phonetically. B like Baudrillard, L like Lyotard, J like Jreg)
Hit me technician.
M for Modern
L for Literature
I for Is
D for Dead
MILD?
Almost! (Repeat)
MID?
Almost! (Repeat again)
MLID?
Congratulations! You can keep your hands off the screen and hop in the passenger’s seat; I’ll do the driving. Let me ask you a few questions about your device. Have you ever had someone log in to your smartphone like this before?
Long ago in a place whose name I do not care to remeber, last week in fact.
Isn’t it great what we can do with technology nowadays!?
I remeber my first beheading video like it was yesterday. The poor infidel hardly a spot over 18 had indeed a funny countenance. Olive undereye and a jawline almost bucal, he stood a little hesistantly when he waslked to his mark, and I sensed through my 12 year old eyes, a somewhat dishevveled complexion. He seemed down on his luck. As the hooded execituoner marched behind him, I spied the briefest of comforting pshes on the small of the doomeed jihadi’s back. WHole hosts of thoughts welled like puddles of memoery in his kind eyes. The influence of his beautiful mother who suggested mastery of european lanugages at the onset of the American invasion. His grdual understanding of first english, then broken spanish and his commitment, made only a month ago, to polish off his growing command of python. But in those multilingual feautes, I saw a ruinous regret for having provided roadside diretions to a group of yankie infantry men and he cursed the perception of the neighbourhood spy. Through my screen it was if the sands of time exploded in that brush of skin on skin, into a fateless break of theatrics and fading comradieries. In another lifetime, the exectuioner would have enjoyed oding laundry with the captive. Nevertheless, the man was forced to renounce his betrayal in his arab tongue and was promptly cut through the neck.
Amazing! By the way where are you calling from?
Under the cruve of long split glaciers against antispendthrift sky lies a city so dishonourable that it does not deserve the disgrace of hosting such a sacrilegous text, so I will honour my second profession as keeper of the gates.
Great! We’re in Cupertino, CA. It’s really wonderful here! Have you ever been?
Many years ago I touched america and I wlaked the wall st trading floor before they shipped it off to new jersey and can o=hnestly say that to stare technocapital in the fce and still look this pretty means I must return.
What do you do?
Consulting beyond comprehension.
Awesome! Tell me about it (Talk a little bit about their job or where they are from, you want to make sure you are talking to someone who can afford our services).
Emailer. Set stategic directios for imf beneficiiaries. Once got paid for a 5 hour sleep. If in doubt say ‘streamline’ and people perk up.
Do you use this device for business or personal use?
Personally, it’s the inner child of my left brain where my emotional intelligence grows its empowerment. I will admit we could be seen as co-depednent, but we have trauam bonded our way to selfactualisation. We have wonderful synergy, and I would say a common mindfulness. Sometimes I can be a little antisocial because of it but we have clear boundaries. For example, if I find it too problematic I am carefule to detach myself and ask “Am I in the headspace whre I am ready to accpet informaiton that oculd be emotionnaly harmful?” If I think the emotional labour too toxic, then I will trigger a state of denial to halt any further gaslighting. I learn this method from close study of the audiobooks and inforgraphics of shityoushouldcareabout, the subtle art of not giving a fuck, the talmud, atomic habits and Dr Jordan C Peterson’s trasnformative 12 rules for life.
Ok, Great! What do you use it for mostly? (Web browsing, emails, social networking, games, business)
COmmunication, not limited to hate speech, zoom bombing and I once phoned in a an active shooter threat to get out of an exam. I have also used it to balance two meagre licks of ketmanie but I am not sole that this is its sold purpose. others may disagree.
To assist you further, I''ll need to ask a few questions and guide you through some troubleshooting steps. This will help us pinpoint the root cause of the issue. Now, what kind of issues have you been experiencing? (Log these down, they will help you pick the relevant service for them)
The flight of ideas. A seriously sanguine temperament. Arrogant behaviour. jolts of tremendous activity. I’m full of noble intetionl plans for world betterment and surprisingly little need for sleep. from youth up, I have been excitable and wayward, of good intelligence, skilled in various conversational crafts, always cheerful and carefree, but with a wild and turbulent character. I admit I’m morally defective in every sense showing dangeours recklessness, and on the same occasion as a rainy day, also deep dark depressions.
Any others?
Often a feigned optimism is betrayed in my animated, talkative, amiable nature. I have plenty of social talent, admittedly a shallow sophisitcation that others may suggest is at at best witty. But this is a natural consequence of expressing my opinions on every conceivabe subject with the greatest superficiality. I’m atonishingly wellread and always on the go but lack perserverance I will tell you that for free.Of course I can also conjure gloomy thoughts, operate iwth a terrible inner restlessness etc. But who doesn’t?
I would hasten to add that that these flights of ideas are kept within the bounds of moderation, and can still be influenced to some extent by reflection adn self-control. though Mr Technician I am most definitely the master of ceremonies and life and soul of the party, I will be the first to admit that I have an abysmal houmour.
You see i’m the most cultured and superficial person, but I can be huffy, huffy and have an aggressive tone. I have been known to spend the entire morning in bed and not feel tje east unhappy about it.
What else? Slow down, pop ups, error messages, freezing? (Let the customer go through ALL the issues)
As I am a reasonable man, mr Technciian, I will produce verbatim the assessment of my good friend, Mme Siri, who describes me, generously I might add, as follows:
“Warhol is labile, garrulous, eager for applause, fond of ambiguous stories, a creature of words and entirely ruled by the mood of the moment. He has told me himself that he is touchy and flaunts his superior social position above others. He can be at times erotic (he theorises that this comes from perceived pressures of activity), and has an inflated sense of personal value.
In my experience I have seen him often make very disdainful remarks about other people, and fall into depressions that had a reactive character, especially to censure. When I expressed my concern about this behaviour to him privately he explained that these instances were merely excessive reactions to a depressing stimulus. He assured me that if stuck in conversations of literary interest, or if overhearing an assessment of post-modern thought, it is his duty to the authors he has read to prompt a new topic or correct any discursive ambiguities. Plus, he pontificated, “Wellington really is a haven for the deepest self hating lanyards. One must be prepared to shoot these miserable idiots down early, especially intellectually, so they brood on it for at least 6 to 9 months”.This novel''s true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.
Warhol is a digital flaneur. He starts something new every minute and writes largely incoherent blips of content online, through which there runs like a red thread, his unabounded glorification of himself. I emphasise that no uniform, comprehensive idea could be found in any of his writings except for an intense subjective feeling of his own value.
Occasionally he will go into real ecstasies citing a fidelity to Prometheus and Kanye West and when he really gets going he falls into a literary style. His thought processes begin orderly, but enlarge a tendency to digression and detailed description. He always releases an extravagantly high concentration of ideas per sentence, but often without due consideration for what he is saying. His language arises flamboyant vernacular, with a preference for foreign words, though these are generally used incorrectly. Once he compared the mcflurry to the hemlock of Socrates.
Warhol always boasts of his capabilities, and though he has an erudition of sorts, a very good memory and demonstrates a broad intellect, he can become easily overwhelmed with the most simple of frsutrations. Slowwalkers, airpod wearers and unsilenced notifications throw him amok. With Warhol, it is not so much a lack of ethical feelings that seems to play the chief role as an excess of instinctual drives and positive inclinations.
Altogether he demonstrates a profusion of fancy thoughts that he expresses in spurious tricks, quips and jokes, that build a product of himself as above all guided by a purposeless motor. I would compare him to one of those higher imbeciles, a graphomaniac who, without being paranoid or feeble-minded, overestimate themselves and their ideas in the most absurd way. They play about with philosophical or jurisprudential problems, write vast quantities of rubbish, and then ruin themselves by having their works published at their own expense
I would say he is destined for one of those miserable lives lived by poets and artists who, with small talent and indestructible optimism, eke out a hungry existence despite the fact that they possess quite enough intelligence to realise their social inadequacy in this artform, and possess enough talent and energy, if applied in other directions, to do good and even outstanding work in an ordinary profession.”
(IF THEY ARE EXPERIENCING SEVERAL ISSUES:) It sounds like you are experiencing a maintenance issue!
You are an insightful inanimate automaticoneuroanatonmicaltechnopsychoanalyst Mr Technician. I have, by way of reference, the other follwiign issues:
My brain lags, heart skips and if truth be totally honest I have a deteriorating battery. My apps are frequently crashing, and I find myself getttng very hot.I I’m a very cracked screen you could say and I am not far away from shutting down. EVen when I try my best my mic is never heard by others though I shout my oudest. My buttons stop working and everything tires hot and slow. And the glitches the bugs the malfunctions the issues the defects the problems the infectionsthe vulnerabilities slow me into annihilation. I can feel my degradation and nobody tries even some kind of interferenc.
People confuse over my faults and everything presents itself to me as a swarm of unexpected errors. I make someone laugh, present a piece of writing and am instantly assaulted by my failures. My relationships are all damage, incompatibility, inaccurate, insufficient and tend to overheat leaving me to suffer on some wet sunday in bedrot oblivion. I have tried to troubleshoot, sought repair, even pondered a replacement but everything stunts me in virtual impairment.
I have deepseated sensitivity issues, signals stuck in boot loop and daily I am stuck in an eternal recurrence of the darkest echoes. My mind is always flickering, has playback issues and is increadinlgy losing grip on the moderate. This is so severe that I can’t remember her dimples or symphnic laugh. I think I have degenrating loss of data.
“WHat’s driving this disruption?”, I ask first the moon, then the clouds as I plead in agony, “Spontanteoity?”. I see faint outlines of a mild life but it’s distortedAnd unexpectedly close. My eyes strain, ears ring, I get headaches bleed my attetnio into distraction and am by all performance reports losing very quickly my usability. The interrupted workflow coupled with frustration has corrupted Me. It’s all getting a bit blurry, the difficulties and inconvenience are persistent and without assistance from some caring manufacterers or technical support or forums for resolution the restart seems more and more likely.
OK so as you can see from the results of the scan you’ve got quite a few things that I would definitely recommend addressing. I can’t say that any of these are at the root of your initial symptom, but I’m glad you called! If you hadn’t we wouldn’t know about these issues and knowing is half the battle right?
Mr Technician knowledge is my middle name and so I consulted anotehr oracle and she hit me senseless with a diagnostic assault. Way up high on a freeapp she spoek the followingtrhough ahallunication that I have been recommended to take as gospel truth:
“Child of the rising Pisces sun, lover of the Aquarius moon,
Today, the sun returns to the same position in the sky that it was when you were born.
Don’t deny yourself on principle. Feed yourself. Sleep. Live abundantly
Harness your Endless cpacity for devotion.Chase your alienation
Write the undeniable
Remorse”
But my good mr Technician my keyboard is soaked and im losing predicatative labugae !
I apologise, running background diagnostics has reset your keyboards. Let’s see what we can do to set things right. Can you tell me what happened so I can help?
You ask me what violence lands me on this frightful coast. Whole schools of suffering. emotional outbursts, hyperarousal, insomnia, distractibility, psychomotor agitationbloodshot eyes rolling quivering cheeks blotched.
I told her “temptress” and rose inflames her anguish.
Man is an idea on fire, flush with wasted instants. Bea never asked me to breathe this fire into her. Tragic. I said the more she looks the more the fire grows, buring away the dank shade of night. Our selfie n teh bathroom that gum in her teeth ! With every message I wandered in fenzy, witg obscee desire oblivious to our kingdoms. But with thse abject thralls of lust whAt can delude a lover? Constellations or fire I know it so.
I’m a maniac run amok, no one can match my fury man to man ! I scrape peace from the exahles of the cloudless sky and collar my device “Did she groan when i wept?” I plead through worsening exaltations Manic stupor thought poverty set me free of pain for fractions and then torn in spirit torments multiply as mind won’t yield to night. Naked in pain plagues of mania obssessions roil my heart.
All i ask is time, blank time: some rest from frenzy. if onlt I’d been free to live my life, instead I’m Writhing.
How long have you had this device? (Pause and wait for an answer) and when was the last time you had a tune up? (Most likely the answer will be never, most consumers do not know tune-ups are necessary part of smartphone maintenance)
The frist blaze of passion was in the overture of youth when I would wander across the websites with prickly skin hiding any visible suggesttion that I had just seen the vision of an angel smiling at me on the ceiling. AS for the tune up, nothing post-pandemic.
Okay perfect. Apple does not let unlicensed repairers access certain inner parts, otherwise it corrupts the whole device. But I have an explanation if you would see fit?
Antying.
But have you tried turning it off and on again?
I”m not sure.
Well in lieu, roughly what you have is a mixture of the following: All matter anterior to the genus of the corpus, next to the lightning connector under the qualcomm gigabit transceiver, has reduced connectivity.You may be experiencing dysfuctninal emtoional cirucits from hereditary voltage spikes on the first logic board level. This has the effect of stimulating your operating system. Now without a further look inside due to Apple’s mechanical limits, we can only speculate as to the problem. But what may be suggested is that at least currently your device is split into 0 and 1 (or any other bistable pair that can flip-flop between two easily distinguishable states, such as “on/off”, “magnetized/de-magnetized”, “high-voltage/low-voltage”, etc.). Basically you’ve got ultrasonics in your striatum that are playing up a bit. This has thrown your transmitter and given your amygdala a few choice lesions.
Certinaly an intuitist’s nightmare. When will it be fixed I have urgent business !
Without affirming whether you have tried to turned it off, a few hours is more or less likely.
Jiminiy cricket cross my hert ok fine Sir Technician I shall operate on this corporate device for the tim ebing.
Please Mr Warhol, before you do so can you access the health app so we can paint a picture of your most recent attempts to turn your device off by approximating from the listed information.
Information is information, not matter or energy.
Thanks! Please read aloud the health data:
Helath notifications currenlty turned off.
You’re burning fewer kilojoules today then you normally do.
Your step count last week was lower on average than the week before.
Your walking and running distance is less compared to your typical day.
No one else is sharing data with you.
Ask someone to share.
Share with someone.
Thanks. Now you’re going to have a couple options to get your smartphone fixed. I’m sure you have a IT Depot in your area right? Great! That is your best local option, they work exclusively with Certified Technicians and they guarantee their work so you would not be taking any risks. They will keep your smartphone for about 3 – 7 days and can charge you anywhere between $200 to $350, depending on the work that needs to be done. Does that work for you?
(Pause and let the customer respond to this. How they respond is going to be the info you need when you pitch your repair. I.E. Price is too high, inconvenience, trust, etc.)
3-7 days ! my god have you seen the anrchoprimtivists ? The androids ? Those pesky green bubbles that cheapskate proletariat with that woefully synthetc culture.
(THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO DO A MINI REBUTTAL. GET THEM TO UNDERSTAND THE BENEFIT OF GETTING THEIR DEVICE FIXED THE RIGHT WAY AND OPTION B WILL APPEAR MORE ATTRACTIVE. )
Your second option is our Tech Support; we do the exact same work the Depot, except that we do it remotely so you don’t have to leave your house. Our service is also guaranteed but it will take only 2-3 hours, so you don’t find yourself without your device for too long. Also, we don’t just fix your device and then let you go, we fix your device today and then back it up with unlimited tech support, which means you’ll have complete peace of mind. If you ever have any problems, questions or concerns or need another tune up, you can call us and we’ll fix any issues you have. Guaranteed. The best part is our pricing is more much more attractive, instead of potentially having to pay up to $350, we’ll only charge you a flat fee of: $200 today and $19.99 per month. As long as you pay that $19.99 monthly charge, you will always be covered and never have a large out of pocket expense for your computer ever again. Does that sound more convenient for you?
!!!!!!!! --‐--‐-- (DO NOT TALK LISTEN AND WAIT) --‐--‐-‐ !!!!!!!!
My good man. I am a student of Marxian persuasion. I have pentrated penetrated penetrated so very micrsopically the fleshy isnides of capital itsled. I have felt that sweet dew of its organic compositon, separting with effort and Will constant capital and variable capital from the total mass ofthe means of production and the total mass of living labour power. Nothing escapes my analyssi. And I will admit the $200 seemed steep, espcially as I am one performance review away from the gig economy and so you had me turning for the door, but then in your brilliance and armed with my insurapssed understanidng of the inverted Hegelian dialectic, taking into cosideration the division of labour and the price of linen, you mentioned a $20 per month subscription.
My dear good feelow, condiersyourself privvy to a sale. Offer caccpeted ! For the subscription, amsssed, can do me no harm and I shall add that to my plenitude of monthlies. You see I, in my intellectual brilliance, know that in owning nothing but paying monthly the faceless ether autoamtic and clockwork, I am sure to gain wonderful service and a quality product.
Great! I already have some detailed notes based on our conversation so I can write up a work order to send to the technicians. What email address would you like the receipt sent to?
[email protected]</a>
How does your name appear on your credit card?
Warhol
321
2138 3129 2138 6744
03/2030
Now as far as your protection is concerned and before I send this to the technician, I’m going to give you a recommendation. Do you remember the first thing every device should have?
An expiry date.
That’s right! Real--‐Time Full--‐Spectrum protection that protects you against Viruses AND malware. What I am going to recommend to you is software called Defender Pro. You may want to write that down. However, since you are now a customer of this Authorized Service Provider I can offer you a 15% discount, dropping the price to $150. Our technicians will install Defender Pro on your system for you. Once you get back on the machine, not only will it be cleaned up but you will also be protected against ALL types of infections.
Sound good? (Pause and wait for response. 90% of the time they will agree with Defender Pro if you presented it properly.)
My inear heliot would this be an ongoing treatment for all kinds of cellular distress? Would I need to call in intervals of weekly or monthly arrangements and spill out diagnostics to your ear pen for pen? Would I come with quips and issues and the flavour of the month’s recent positopon on the neurochemistry of depression? Will you give me some pills perhaps a new charger in weekly spiels that make me smug vain and a bore with no trouble or pain? Would I fatten in the face and shine gregarious with my libido descreated and my pleasures reduced to sugared guilts and the syrup of the superficial streaming from my teeth?
There is no expense that can be spared in the arena of cyber defence my good man. I woulhave a Marxit tongue but even I will be the first to channel the great enterprise of the imperial war machine. I strive ever more intensely to therow an iron dome on this crown of thorns. To wade derelict and empty with therapy for thought and thought for therapy. To condier the tempatations of my own masculinity in the hotbox of human concetnration. But the man who looks for sceutiy in the mind is like a man who would chop off his limbs in order to have ariticfucla ones which whill give him no pain or trouble: I’ll have no such trankquilization thank you very much. No means no !
(If they say ‘No’, say:) Ok, no problem! We will have our technicaians take control of your device run a scan and aim to have it refreshed in a few hours. Becuase this is an unconventional issue for the mean time stay off your device. When the work has been completed the technician will display a ‘WORK COMPLETE’ message on your screen telling you that the repair is done and your device is ready to use. For the mean time please keep your device in rice.
Cest a vie I will reamain on my work phone.
Great! I will finally state that without the information concerning if you have tried to power it off the process will take longer.
My good friend rest assured I cannot say for certian if I have tried to turn it off.
That’s ok Mr Warhol, but please do call us if you can remember. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Stop the marhc of death.
Ok have a great day!