When you comfort me with your words


    Is it your soul I reject?


    If I show you the imperfect unpolished core of me in my tears


    And you answer with your hurried honest being


    Is it yourself I reject?


    There isn''t time for thinking in front of calamity.


    No time to pick and discard


    Beautify and paint


    So the words I turned my head away from


    Are they your soul?


    And if so


    If so is true


    Are we, my loved one


    Two beings that souls can''t touch?


    Are we, my loved one


    Able to love in such a way?


    Is it a tragedy? Is it a life?


    When I cry


    When you cry


    If our ragged edges can''t complete


    If they hurt and bleed


    My dear,


    Are we supposed to love?


    You look away with a frown


    Trembling hands that ask me to not repeat


    Any word of that question that will break


    Most of what we ever tried to build.


    But dear one, I need to know


    You told me once, fondly and with laughter in your voice


    That I am the type that can never stop


    Searching for answers once the questions touch my mind.


    You laughed once


    But now your closed-off body is telling me


    That you wish I was anything other but.


    And that


    That, dear one


    Is it not something we should face?


    The nights after my tears were always the coldest.


    You held me so tight in our bed, in our hard-earned home


    And yet your fear-filled eyes turned my body into ice.


    The sobs you hide with rushing water


    And the redness we both face the new days with


    I, of my own tragedy and despair


    And you, of your helplessness and fear


    Of not being enough to the only one you chose


    And hoped with clenched fingers


    To be enough for.


    Your smile painted over breakfast we can''t swallow


    My apologies that are repeated over our days


    And your strained features that don''t know where to take any of them.


    You are enough, I swear with all my tired broken heart


    And yet in the moment, you can never reach beyond the utter despair that holds me


    And yet in the moment, every part of my being tells you that you aren''t quite.


    Even though I long for you in every other way


    Even though I need you in every other way


    It is this particular and only way


    That might be the end of us.


    I wished for change in the worst of those days.


    Wished for a whole other soul


    That might be pretty enough to connect edges with anyone on earth


    But with you most of all


    With you most of all.


    I wished for another being and another name


    Something you can call without it breaking your heart apart.


    And yet on those nights, you screamed at me with fury in your eyes


    That my name is the only one you fell for and it will stay


    And for that, my heart, I cried


    For that, I sobbed.


    For we are so in love in my eyes and in my pain


    For we are so intertwined that love without the heartache is nothing we seek.


    For that we can''t, no matter how much we try


    Find a way out of this misery we breathe.


    You wouldn''t love anybody else. I can see it in your eyes.


    That in even the darkest moments


    Where anger is higher than any promise


    You still


    Above all


    Look into my eyes like you can''t bear all else.


    You wouldn''t, and my soul knows the same


    That my love was grown for you and perhaps


    Perhaps


    Finished on you too.


    But is it worth it dear heart?


    Is our love worth all this heartache


    All these tears?


    If you have to hold onto me so tight


    With terror in your veins


    And a feathery smile on your face


    If I have to rest my whole being on your hands just to assure


    That this is where I chose to belong.


    If you need the whole weight of my burdensome existence just to believe in our love


    Are we meant to love


    Should we love?


    I, beyond anything else


    And more than any other wish


    Wished that your arms were enough to hold my battered and utterly incapable of being held self.


    Beyond anything else


    I wished that somehow and without reason or logic


    Your arms will be able to hold my watery and fleeting existence.


    To keep it tethered and centred


    To make it believe in anything other than its own tragedies.


    Even though I tried all my life


    Even though I broke in search of it


    Even though I told myself that some people just


    Don''t rest.


    But it is my greed that brought us here


    It is my foolish and utterly hopeful heart


    That ignored all the scars it wears


    And threw both of us in this story I wish with all my heart


    That you never entered.


    Your love was new to my soul


    And in its uniqueness was my fall.


    I couldn''t use any walls I built


    For that you could jump over them


    With ease I never felt.


    For that you, most of the time


    Destroyed my walls without knowing they even exist


    Gently and methodically


    One bright laugh at a time.


    I couldn''t shut you out with any cruelty I learned


    For that your kindness was one I never saw.


    You were lovely, in every way


    And I didn''t stand a chance


    And mostly and honestly


    Didn''t want to have one.


    I fell


    Completely and erratically


    Nothing like the elegant picture my heart has of you.


    And yet you caught me somehow


    You said I fell too


    And I couldn''t believe it back then


    Looking at your soft unscathed skin


    And your bright sated eyes and soft calm breaths


    Couldn''t believe that someone like you fell for someone like me


    When I was lying on the ground trying to catch my breath.


    I never told you those thoughts.


    It was fear perhaps


    Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.


    Of confirming that your fall wasn''t quite the all-encompassing feeling I struggle to keep inside most times.


    It was fear perhaps


    To know I fell into another hope


    With someone who survives falls like they never happened


    To the extent it almost seems like


    They didn''t happen.


    My heart whispered your name in awe


    And I hit my chest with tears running down my face


    It is a tragedy waiting to happen, I repeated in hysterics


    Happened, waiting to happen


    Will happen.


    Yet my heart didn''t care.


    Defiantly and Stubbornly replied


    That life without love isn''t easier than this


    And what of tomorrow I asked


    What of the pain that is coming I pleaded


    Quietly and in aching beats it said


    What of the pain that is now?


    I didn''t tell you any of this.


    A coward I was or a greedy man who couldn''t think of losing his treasure


    I alluded in peaceful silences


    With a joking tone and light words


    That don''t come near to the reality of how much I hurt those who try to love anything I am.


    And you would hum and listen


    Laughing at all the right moments


    Then you would look at me and stay silent for a few moments


    Just looking with a faint smile


    And the replies varied


    And sometimes didn''t happen.


    As I was a child begging you to understand


    But never strong enough to tell you in a way that might make you do.


    But once


    And only once, since I''m beginning to understand (and how late it is.) That you were also not strong enough to face someone believing they are undeserving of love


    When your love and heart and being


    All belonged to them.


    You said


    That the people who love me know


    And I was stunned by the utter grief in your eyes


    That I couldn''t ask any of the questions that might have saved us from more despair.


    What part did they know?


    That I can''t be loved? That I''m hard to love?


    That I''m watery and impossible to hold


    Complicated, tired, unable to give much


    Not having much


    Or, looking at your sorrowful eyes


    That I can''t accept love?


    I didn''t ask.


    And the moment passed as it is


    But returned in every moment after


    In different words and looks and pain


    It returned.


    And neither of us were brave enough to sit down


    And fix it from the moment it had begun.


    It''s something like that I think.


    I never told you any of those things, and I lived on the foolishly confident assumption


    That you needed my words to know them.


    When the truth turned out to be


    And like you said


    The ones who loved me always knew.


    (If I told you this discovery you would laugh


    A tearful fond sound


    And I would apologise to your returning ire


    If I told you this you would say


    "You were always the type to never let go of the answers you found, no matter who says and who does.


    You hold onto them dearly and desperately.


    Sometimes, and you would cry on this, more than you hold onto your loved ones.")


    It is like that I''m starting to realise.


    However late it is, however cruel I was in my lateness.


    I wished forever for arms to be able to hold my being


    And later on, I wished for your arms only to do such a thing.


    But from the moment you asked my name with a curious look


    And from the moment I answered your question and every other one that followed


    You had held onto me


    You had held me in your heart


    And in your care and words.


    You opened more than your arms to me


    You bared yourself to me and only ever asked in return


    That I do the same.


    Yet I couldn''t believe that I can ever fit into any space you make for me


    Even when you kept your aching arms raised


    And tearful eyes accepting


    And struggling heart loving


    I couldn''t believe


    That it is anything that can accept me.


    And in the long years ahead where you dropped your arms and held onto me instead


    Ruthlessly and viciously and so so defeated


    I wondered


    In so many tears and so many moments of utter self-hate


    If I can ever deserve your neverending tries.


    You would shake your head and beg with exhausted everything


    Hiding your face in your hands and trembling violently.


    I''m here right now


    You would say


    I''m here and I will be here


    It isn''t going to change


    Will you ever


    Let me hold you?


    But what if we fail? I would counter


    What if I let you and we fall


    What if we fail and everything dies?


    And your red eyes and bleeding heart would answer instead of your silence


    What is this we are doing if not failure?


    I whisper one night with my ears close to your erratic heart


    How could I ever repent for how I hurt you?


    And your hands would tighten on my body with a breathless laugh


    Love is blind, you would whisper back, and I have been utterly blind for you.


    I close my eyes painfully and wonder if this could ever be the love you deserve.


    And you would answer my unspoken doubts


    With a voice that knows it deserves more


    Yet wants it from just the person its heart chose.


    I''m drowning in you, you have made me drown


    And yet


    I see no light of salvation in front of me


    Either save me and come with me to land


    Or we drown together.


    You would laugh, a broken choked off sound


    You say your existence can''t be held


    Yet it has buried itself in me to the deepest part of my soul


    And it won''t let go.


    Would you ever


    Just accept us?


    It is the utter defeat in your voice, I think.


    It is the utter defeat that makes this love so hard to bear


    Because even then your hands


    Never let go of my weight.


    I''m okay.


    You would repeat with wild and bloodshot eyes


    And I would rest my head on your back


    Not stopping you from hiding the tears you think will make me let go.


    I would rest my head and whisper tiredly


    After another cold night of love not being enough.


    You are not okay.


    And your whole body would tremble and shrink


    Screaming at me


    What do you want me to do?


    Just tell me what I can do


    I will do it but just


    Your voice cracks on the words and you fall, and I follow.


    Hiding you from the world but most importantly from me.


    But just tell me something. Anything.


    I don''t know how to love you anymore


    Then shouldn''t you stop?


    I ask blankly and your nails imprint on my arms that are caging you


    Do you think it''s that easy? You would question with barely repressed rage.


    Should it be that hard?


    Should love be that hard?


    Your body would shake violently with your sobs


    And I would nod to your repeated whispers with closed eyes.


    Selfish, selfish, selfish


    I tighten my arms around your body and I nod


    My foolish greedy selfish heart.


    We should end this.


    My words hang in the air


    Bring a stillness that makes it hard to breathe.


    Your fingers twitch in a memory of your stubborn heart


    Your brave stubborn beautiful heart.


    But they still.


    They still and I exhale all my hesitant thoughts


    We should end this


    I repeat and your breaths are shaky.


    Staring at the table not looking at me


    Vacant eyes telling me you''re thinking of our story


    From start and


    To end.


    Your face is pale


    And your body is frail


    We both know


    I took from you much more than you should give.


    Your fingers twitch again


    And mine do the same


    I raise my eyes to the ceiling and blink away the tears


    Holding on isn''t the answer anymore


    Perhaps it never was.


    I tried


    You whisper in a tired voice


    I tried to love you but you


    Looking me in the eyes with a hollow laugh


    You make it impossible to be loved.


    My heart shrinks and I silence it with trembling breaths.


    I''m sorry


    Your eyes sharpen with the usual ferocity you used against my self-doubt


    Only this time it is only against me and I


    Welcome it with accepting everything.


    I deserve your guilt until the day I die and perhaps beyond


    But that is not the point of this.


    You lean on the table and push my chest with your finger


    (How my heartbeats still quicken, how they still call.)


    The point of this


    Is that your heart deserves more than you give it.


    Your cold hands hold my face gently and with a familiar sadness.


    I loved you


    In all our moments I have loved you


    But I can''t love you for both of us


    I can''t love someone who thinks they can''t be loved.


    Your fingers map my face with slow longing movements.


    I loved your heart and soul and brain and being


    And I would have drowned if it meant holding the existence you liken to water.


    Your fingers stop at my eyelids and gently close them


    I inhale sharply when your lips meet my closed eyelids


    One after another.


    Your whisper warms my face and makes the tears fall


    But it isn''t about me


    It''s about you.


    And until you brave the waters alone


    It''s time for me to leave.


    I sob desperately trying to breathe with my eyes clenched shut


    And I feel your tears joining the warmth on my face.


    You breathe your final words into my lips, where our salty tears join


    Trying to give me the bravery you always seemed to have in front of my wavering fears.


    You will always be loved.


    You say, surely and slowly


    Like it is a mere fact of life.


    You just need to accept


    Not deserve, or win or be worthy of.


    Accept your heart


    Accept that it can be loved


    And when you do


    A sobbing sound cuts your words and I hold onto your hands that still, at our last moments, hold me so gently


    When you do,


    I will be there to show you my love.


    I rest my face and once again my weight on you


    With horrifying sounds that I can''t stop


    Speaking of my misery and pain and utter fear of a forever inability to be loved.


    Yet you only hush me with gentle sounds


    And let your fingers wipe my tears for the last time


    Hoping that I can come back to you


    Hoping that the pain in our story has a happier end.


    You take a breath and slowly let go of my desperate hold on you


    Being kind even in our end.


    Your forehead touches mine and I can''t open my eyes


    Can''t see you leave or cry once again because of me


    And maybe for the last time


    Yet you whisper and I can''t ignore


    Look at me.


    I can''t ignore


    My eyes open slowly and my vision is blurry


    Yet I can see the soft and sad devotion in your eyes


    So so honest in a way we couldn''t be before


    So so brave in a way only you could be.


    We don''t need any more words


    Not when even in your eyes


    My existence is so carefully and lovingly cherished.


    I''ll learn


    Your eyes soften and you nod


    You will.


    And I love you


    You nod again with a small smile


    You do.


    Thank you


    I sob again


    Your body deflates with a relief so strong it makes you close your eyes.


    No, thank you.


    And when the door closes and the silence returns,


    I lie on the ground listening to my own heartbeat


    That I silenced in my fragile wish to not be hurt.


    Listening to it talk in soothing tones


    We will try.


    It promises


    And I softly rest my hand on its sounds


    We will


    I assure


    For both of us.