I want a home


    Something in my heart pleads


    Yet I silence it with stolen glances and breaths taken on concrete


    I want him mine, something in me says all too weak


    And all I do is smile towards his distracted eyes and wink


    Where are you going next? My lips speak around ease


    Where away from me? My heart questions in defeat


    Here to that store


    There to that hill


    Somewhere in a kingdom where only rivers end.


    I nod and nod and nod


    I want a home in him, something pleads


    He doesn’t, my clenched hands repeat.


    On most nights, I breathe


    Did you know that rivers run?


    Always and forever


    Flowing and not stopping


    On most nights, I try to breathe.


    Do you know what becomes of a home built on river shores?


    I try


    I try


    I try to breathe


    It drowns.


    There''s an ache in my heart all too clear


    When night quietens down and only we breathe


    A shine in my eyes you gaze at with a fond everything


    Yes, yes, it''s water


    No, no, it''s not what you seek.


    There''s a tremble in my hands even when buried in ground


    A hesitation to my voice that spells too many words I hope you never read


    Yes, I''m alone. Yes, I want a home.


    Yes, it''s you. Yes, it always has been.


    I want the kind of home you build


    On steady grounds with a picket fence


    I want the kind of home that stays


    That stays that always stays


    No


    No, that''s not it


    I just want you to stay


    I always have.


    You''re always quick on your feet


    Even when standing, even when resting


    Nimble fingers light feet


    A presence so faint you have to strain everything to see


    I would watch you dance around all what life gives


    With a faint smile and a stubborn utterly breathtaking glint


    I would watch you skip over life


    Like a stone on a river does


    Except you don''t stop


    You don''t fall


    You only ever flow


    It''s beautiful


    It''s everything.


    It''s worth the brightness in your gaze


    The pride in your smile


    The blisters on my feet.


    Our village is a tiny one


    Surrounded by a forest and nothing else


    The elders say in that threatening tone


    Children, don''t step into the unknown.


    You would sway in boredom and wait


    Then look at me with a shining gaze


    Mischievous and calm


    Like the unknown is only for those who don''t flow


    Want to go home?


    And I would nod like I always do


    First, with guileless curiosity


    Then, with fond confusion


    Couldn''t quite understand it then


    Why we never say the same words


    When speaking of home


    Then I understood


    Then I carried


    The ever-present dread between the fondness


    Yes, we can go home


    Yes, we always can


    But I only ever follow you


    Your home is not mine


    Or perhaps


    My home is not yours.


    In the forest, there was a quaint river unsullied by all


    You would sit at its bank and stare


    Til night touches the sky


    Til I have to hold tears back


    My fingers dig into the earth, and I bite my lips


    I''m never going to tell you how I fear every water you touch


    It''s your home it''s your home it''s your everything


    But god, how I wish it could be mine too


    How I wish I was anything but a human that fears rivers and ends.


    It''s the fact that you are here


    The fact that when I look enough


    When I try enough


    You are always here


    This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it


    But my heart is troublesome


    My heart is childish


    It wants to know that it has you


    Even when not looking


    It doesn''t


    I don''t


    I don''t think anyone on this earth can.


    That''s just the beauty in you


    That''s just the river in you


    It''s the fact you are here


    It''s the fact you are not.


    I don''t wish to stop you


    I don''t wish any amount of despair on you to the day I die


    I want you to be happy and thriving and always always


    With that light in your eyes.


    It''s just difficult sometimes


    It''s difficult to build a home in somebody


    And watch it leave every time.


    You will come back


    And I will wait


    I just wonder I just question


    When will you not?


    I hardly compare to the mountains and the trees


    I hardly ever compare.


    When you are close, I am too


    You giggle at me all shy and swat my arms away


    And I laugh and continue it like a joke


    It may be the worst joke I told in life.


    I need you to breathe


    I need you to breathe


    Even though I don''t have you, I''m drowning


    Even though I avoid waters like the plague


    Even though I pull you towards land with mirthful eyes and tight hands


    I can''t escape what you are.


    It only ever lessens when I''m so close it''d be impossible for you to run


    When I''m so close, I can imagine


    Entering your chest and your heart and your blood


    And staying there


    Forever and ever


    And ever.


    You speak of far lands with a fascination I watch in silence


    The trees how their colours differ


    The food how its taste shocks


    The beauty and the people and the roads


    The flowing and the never-stopping


    And the gifts you brought.


    Sometimes, it lights me up so much that my entire being softens in your hands


    And sometimes


    Sometimes, it pains me to my core


    That the softness has an ache I''m quite familiar with


    And since you never notice a difference, I think


    That I''m always like that in front of you


    Soft light fond


    Aching hurt pleading


    All synonyms of my love.


    I let a breath out after months of waiting


    I haven''t been forgotten


    Your eyes still look towards me


    My heart still jumps.


    I accept the gifts with distracted hands


    Always in a hurry to touch you in some way


    Are you real


    Are you here


    Am I real for you, too?


    I put the gifts away with fast words I don''t quite remember


    Aching to have you in my hands


    Not your heart nor your home


    Nor much of what I seek


    But to a parched heart, and that''s all I am in front of you, anything is enough


    Any part of you is enough.


    You are the river that drowns me


    The well that escapes me


    The water I wish I could ever have enough of


    The water I wish I never touch.


    You are everything in my life, it seems


    Didn''t leave one thing to me


    That''s fine


    That''s okay


    I don''t seek much beyond you.


    I return the gifts on the nights you leave


    I go to the forest to the unknown


    To the first place that took you away from me


    And I hang them on trees


    Bury them in soil


    Scatter them on flowers


    I get down to my knees on the river bank, and I whisper


    To the unknown to the waters to the world


    Please return them to me.


    I get down to my knees


    And I pray


    Only the world that is in you


    Could ever lead you back to me.


    I do not know if the pleading of a human reaches the world


    But you always return to me with new gifts, and I liken them to new hope


    I always accept with open arms and open love


    It might not be a sign, but it might


    Let this be a way I can speak to your home


    Let my prayers be a way I can ever be in your home.


    People always look at us with some feeling I try to ignore


    Awe from the younglings searching for love


    Knowing from those who have it


    And yearning from those who once had


    The last one stops in my throat


    Makes me swallow all my words


    I avoid, and I ignore.


    Otherwise, I''ll just tell them all


    Yes, I searched for it


    Yes, I have it


    Yes, I''m always searching for it


    Yes,


    I''m always yearning.


    It''s not a story I speak to anyone


    Even if my everything is open in front of your eyes


    I would like to not agree to any of the pity-filled eyes


    Darling, your life is ahead of you


    Child you can love again


    Rivers are dangerous


    Rivers don''t stay


    How are you going to build a home on a rocking wave?


    I bite back words


    I bite back tears


    I turn my back and search for you again.


    They tell me to leave like I can


    They tell me to leave


    Like I have anything of a river in me.


    I''m human


    I''m human


    I''m human to the last inch of me


    I''m selfish and greedy and arrogant and hurried


    I love and hold on and never let go


    I stay I stay I stay


    I wonder if that makes me less than human


    Or more


    But it does not matter it does not


    It does not make me water you can hold.


    I tell this story in the only way I can


    In holding your hand with a scolding tone


    You always liked to touch the unknown.


    In staring at you in most of what you do


    Like every second holds a new you.


    In my heart beating for you


    So steadily and loyally


    That I fear sometimes It''s solely for you.


    In the far lands I smile upon hearing


    And the gifts I cherish while praying


    And the water I dry off you when it comes from a raging sea.


    I do it in the ache that tells me you''re here


    And in the home I rebuild every day


    You liked those purple flowers from that pretty land


    I put them around my home and inside my heart


    And wonder with trembling hands


    If you can ever stay.


    I tell it, and I tell it, and I tell it


    And I wonder if I will ever stop


    The words of my helpless love and my calling heart.


    (The lonely lover tells the story and often forgets


    That they are not the only one who can.


    The flower-like soul waits while the seasons change


    They greet the rain and the bees and bloom in their garden of chosen love


    But nothing quite lights the soul like the river that passes through with a delicate step


    The flower unfurls with a bashful love


    And the river so, so taken by its beauty


    Keeps the garden forever in its run.


    The soul forgets and forgets


    That a river returning against its current


    Is a river so deeply and utterly in love.


    But it is the fear that binds humans to earth


    It is the fear the river has


    When its love often forgets


    How one who is all water


    Is still quite human in the end.)