RoxannehasalreadydozedoffandisforsomereasonclingingtomelikeI''msometypeofplushy.Well,thebedisprettysmallIguess.I''mamazedthattwopeoplecanevenfitonherewithoutanybodyrunningintotheriskofrollingovertheedge.


    Iruntheeventsoftodaythroughmyheadagain."Todaywasthedaythateverythingchanged",IhopeIcansaythatinthefuture.


    Butthepossibilitytochangedoesn''tonlybringpleasantthoughts,I''malsorememberingalotofthingsI''drathernot.Iguessthose past events arewhatturnedmeintowhoIamnow,butitsnotlikeI''mcompletelybroken...             Well,maybeIam,afterallIdidkillmyself.


    Ibetmomsprettyhappyaboutthat,thewayshekepttellingmetodoit.Itsfunnyhowasmallfightescalatedintouscompletelyhatingeachother.Really,I''mnotevensurewhatitwasanymore.IthinkIgotmadatherfornotbelievingmeaboutsomething.ForsomereasonIgotreallypissedandstompedoff,andfromthatdayonthetensionpersisted.ShewasmadatmebecauseofhowangryIgotandthatjustmadememoreangry.Itfeltlikeshestarteddoinglittlethingstopissmeoffandeventhestuffthatmightnothavebeenintentionalfeltlikeitwaspreparedbymymomjusttomakemybaddaysevenworse.


    Andthencamethedaywhenstuffgotreallybad.IgotintoafightwithheragainbecauseIcouldn''tfindsomethingInmyroom.Iwasverysurethatshetookit,soIconfrontedher.ThingsescalatedwithhertellingmeshewishedIwasneverborn.Man,thatreallyhurt.Idon''tknowwhy,butmaybeithurtthewayitdidbecausebackthenIthoughtthingsmightfixthemselvesagain.AtleastIthoughtthatuntilshebasicallytoldmethatsheresentsmyexistence.


    Everydaywasprettyshitfromthenon,likereallyshit.AthomeallIwoulddowasfight,sonormallyIwouldjusthangoutoutside,sometimesjustwalkingaroundforhours,onlycomingbackhomewhenIknewthatmymomwouldbeasleep.


    That''salsowhenwestarteddriftingapartevenfurther.Wewereonbadtermsalreadyandthenwecompletelystartedavoidingeachother,itwashardformetoevencallhermymom.ThefewtimesIdidtalkwithherIwouldjustcallherbyherfirstname.


    ThenIstartedboxing,justtohavesomethingtodowhilemymomwasathome.IfinancedmytrainingwithmoneyIstolefrommymother.Yes,IhatedhersomuchthatIthoughtitwasalrighttostealfromher.Goodthingwas,becauseIhadsomuchtimeIstartedgettingprettygoodatthesport.BecauseIkindastartedtolikeboxingIoftenskippedschooltoattendtotrainingearlyinthemorning.


    Man,mytrainergotmadatmewhenhefoundoutIwasstillastudentandhadthenervetoshowupatthegymwhenIwassupposedtobeinclass,butforsomereasonhedidn''tbothermeaboutitverymuch.IthinkheunderstoodthattheremusthavebeenareasonformetobehavethewayIdidandtellingmeoffaboutitwouldn''tfixanything.


    Schoolstartedsendingmelettersaboutmylackofattendance,butIsimplythrewthemaway.Iwouldfindthelettersinthelivingroom,openedandleftonthetable.ThatmadeitcleartomethatmyMomdidn''tcareaboutwhatIdidanymoreandevenafterdriftingsofarapart,Iwasonceagainhurt.Fuck,Imightevenhavecriedalittle.


    IgnoringallmyproblemsIgotmoreabsorbedintothesportofboxing.Man,ItwasexcitingwhenIwonmyfirstamateurtournament.Yes,Iwasactuallygoodatit.Itwassostrange,afterwinningallIcouldthinkwas"Maybethisiswhatitfeelsliketohaveapurpose."This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.


    Butofcourselifewouldn''tbekindenoughtoletmeremainhappy.Schoolismandatoryandmeskippingschoolforboxingwasn''tappreciated.Iwasforcedtoprettymuchquitboxingvialawsuit.Theydidn''ttellmetoquit,theyjustarrangedcertainthingstomakesurethatIwouldattendtoschool.AndmeattendingtoschoolwouldmeanthatIhadlesstimeforboxing.


    I''dactuallybeescortedfromhometoschool,that''showbaditwas.


    ThiswasallaroundthetimewhenIsnapped.Istilltriedtopursueboxing,butitwasdifficultwithmylifefallingapartallaroundme.BecauseofthewholeescortthingIalsohadmorecontactwithmymotheragain.


    Mostofthetimewedidn''tinteract,wewouldjustwalkbyeachother.ButtherewasthatonedaywhenIgotreallyangryather.AftercomingbackfromschoolIplannedtostealsomemoneyfromherwalletagain.Shehadnevercomplainedaboutmedoingso,soIassumedthatshewasprobablyhappythatthiswasenoughtokeepmeawayfromher.


    ButasIwasintheprocessoftakingmoneyfromherwallet,hervoicesuddenlyrangoutfrombehindme.Thereshestood,lookingatmefrombeyondthedoorframe.ObviouslyshewasawareofwhatIwasdoing,butthis was thefirsttimesheinterfered.


    Shelookedincrediblysad,andwhenIsaythisImeanit.Herexpressionwasoneofsomebodycompletelyheartbroken.Anybodywouldhavebeenabletoreadeveryemotionthatshewasfeeling,justthroughthatexpression.


    "Whyareyoulikethis?"


    Sheaskedmethisastearsstartedrollingdownhercheeks,andthenshejustlookedatme.Maybeyouthinksomethinglikethatwouldmotivatemetotryfixingourrelationship.Well,youthoughtwrong.Idon''tthinkanybodybutmewouldbeabletocomprehendhowangrythatquestionmademe.


    "You''rereallyaskingmethis?!"


    TheresnowaythatIwouldhavebeenabletocontrolmyvoice,Iwasalreadyatthehighestpointofanger.IfsomebodyhadgivenmeaweaponatthatmomentImighthavekilledherinsteadofmyself.


    "Afterthesepasttwoyearsofyounotgivingashitaboutme,nowyoutrytofixthings?!Doyoureallythinknowisthetime?!IalreadyhavenothingleftanymoreandtheonlythingIfuckingenjoyiscurrentlybeingtakenawayfromme!NowIhavetolookatyougivingmethatexpressionofregret,likeyou''refeelingbadaboutthis?!Areyoufuckingkiddingme?!Justfuckingleavemealone.Idon''tcare,justdierightnow.Iseriouslyhopethatyoudierightnow.Please,justdisappear."


    MyvoicesuddenlyshiftedfromangrytoregretfulandsadwhenIstartedwishingforhertodie.Ireallybelievedthatitwasallherfault,whilenowIbelievethatitwasallmyfault.Sadly,I''mstillangryather.Shereallyruinedalotforme,especiallytheoppositesex.


    Beinghonest,Imightseemymotherinallwomenoutthere.I''mnotsureifIhatethemall,butIhaveamassivelackofrespectforthem.


    Theremightbeanexceptionthough.


    IlookovertoRoxanne,shessleepingprettypeacefully.Shereallydoesn''tcarethatshessharingthisbedwithsomebodyelserightnow,guessingbythewayshesclingingtome.


    Yeah,IdothinkthatIrespectRoxannetoacertainextent.ButImean,sheisbasicallymyonlyhoperightnow.DoIevenseeRoxanneasawoman?


    IthinkitsjustthatI''mreallynotcompletelysurehowtofeeltowardsher.Irespecther,butatthesametimeIdon''tknowifIlikeher.Yet,Ialsodon''thateher.Man, emotions are weird.


    MaybeonedayIcanlookatherandgetaroused?IthinkIreallymissedoutonthatwholeunnecessaryarousalpartyougothroughinpuberty,somaybeIcancatchup.


    AsIturnmyeyestotheceilingasmallyawnescapesme.


    Ithinkalltheseweirdthoughtsaremakingmetired.