Chapter 134
I was reeling from the information overload and I had lost count of how many times I was left
speechless by Cahan’s words.
He kept looking at me, waiting for my reaction as I processed whatever he had revealed. My legs felt
shaky and my knees wobbled, so I gripped the edge of the table for support.
Cahan had been in love with Aislynn…long ago. He was the
cursed him to die a pained death, and live a loveless life…just because he fell in love with an enemy?
For a while we sat in an awkward silence, the only noises in his office being him drinking more whisky
and me clicking a pen on and off to give my fingers something to do. My heart was thudding wildly and,
despite all the other jarring things he had told me, just one of the many revtions cut through my
heart like a sharp de.
The fact that Cahan had been in love made a spark of white hot jealousy course through my spine,
sending tingling sensations all over my body. I was not supposed to feel this way about a dead girl but I
could not help it. My nails dug into my palms as I tried to maintain my
Was he still in love with her? Is that why he would always say no to me? I remembered how girls would
die to get just one look from him. Even at the ball, Cynthia and the others had tried hard to grab his
attention. But he had only maintained a polite distance from them.
I had felt so nice to show Cynthia that she did not deserve Cahan because he preferred to make me
his anchor. But…it had never been me.
His first choice, his first love, had been Aislynn. I recalled Aislynn’s beautiful face.
She truly used to look like a goddess herself, with her otherworldly appearance. My thoughts went
haywire as I beganparing myself with her.
I had only seen her for a few minutes in the memory, but those minutes had been more than enough to
tell me that she was a beauty. She had long hair and dressed like a princess. Her voice had been
calming, too.
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And I…I just scream and yell for the most basic things. I look ordinary as well.
I was never brought up by a witch queen or some noble to have the mannerisms of a sweet youngdy.
And Cahan used to look even more vibrant and youthful than now. His hair used to be shorter and
his build leaner, giving him an athletic physique. They were an ideal couple.
No doubt, the two fell for each other. Had he kissed her just like I kissed him, looked at her as if she
was the center of the world? Well, I did not need to ponder over that. The look on his face when he saw
her covered in blood had been devastating.
He saw her die and held her dying body in his arms as she took herst breath, cradling her like a true
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lover.
I shook my head. What was I even thinking?
He saw her die. And he lives with that memory that must haunt him every single day.
That must have been so painful. The cogs in my brain were churning as I began to recall all of my
earlier interactions with him.
Specifically, how he never believed in the fate of werewolves, the Moon Goddess, of how he would
think of it as nothing more but wishful thinking. That must also be the reason why Drusi had to put in
so much effort for him to agree to finding an anchor, nag him endlessly to give in to her demands.
He never openly loathed Selene, but only now I could recall how he would snort whenever we spoke
about fate or the Moon Goddess. He had turned into an atheist and at that time, I only thought of him
as an arrogant and snobbish person.
But now, after hearing the truth, I could not me him for the reason.
His creator, the Goddess, who was supposed to protect him. She had shunned him….left him to die a
painful and miserable death and a long, agonizing life. She sat on her thronefortably while he
risked his life every day, waging a war that was not his and lives with the burden of deaths of many
warriors that is also not his to bear.
How selfish of me to be jealous of Aislynn at this moment when he needs me to support him? How
could I ever think of myself as his lover when I
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could not even contain my stupid jealousy?
The anchor bond in my wrist thrummed as I felt pain and grief, both of which did not belong to me. I
could feel what he was feeling, not just by hearing his words, but because the anchor bond allowed me
to sense his turmoil.
His feelings were intense, and his emotions were all over the ce. I could sense all of it and it
suddenly became too much for me to bear. I felt as if my wrist was being cut open but I did not even
wince.
If I told him it was hurting me, he would shut himself off again. I could not risk that. I had to let him
speak for as long as he wanted.
Thunder helped me stay strong by bearing a huge chunk of the pain even though she was supposed to
be sleeping.
“Thank you,” I whispered to her as tears stung the back of my eyes.
“I want to listen as well,” she replied, dly sharing the load with me. Now that she had taken some of
the pain off, my brain could think clearly.
Now I could truly understand why he was so cold and aloof, so detached.
Carrying such a huge burden and secret for all his life had turned him into a cold and brutal person.
Maybe that is why he did not want to live longer or find a cure.
And as if he had read my thoughts, he suddenly said,
“There is a reason I did not want to find a cure. It was…it was not right that Aisy died while I got to live.
It was cruel and unfair, so I weed the curse with open arms. I never wanted a mate or anybody to
love me. I knew nobody would want me. If I could not even protect the one girl I loved, I could not
protect anyone.”
Cahan took ast swig of the bottle and threw it away, the ss bottle thudding softly against the
carpet.
I tried not to wince as his steps got a little wobbly. “I…I did not want to live. I wanted to die. But, I could
not die in any other way except the curse slowly seeping the life out of me. So, in a way, I became an
immortal with a death wish.”
I failed at holding back the tears that finally began to trickle down my eyes as he spoke, slightly
inebriated.
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“I wanted to die. But it was as if the Grim Reaper did not want to free me
of the curse of life. So I became more violent, more cold because the reason for staying alive was
snatched away from me. But no matter how hard I fought, I would not die. I realized it quitete that this
was going to be my life.”
His eyes werepletely red now and his expression was of pure grief and torture.
My heart shattered into a million pieces over and over again as he kept sharing his past with me.
I had to stay strong for him so I quickly turned around, wiped the tears that had begun streaming down
my cheeks that I fought so hard to control, and faced him again. I knew he would think I was pitying him
if he saw the tears and that was thest thing he needed right now.
But I could not help it.
“I am such a lost cause, aren’t I?” He chuckled as he noticed my tears and I shook my head, wiping my
tears away. So much for being strong for his sake.
“No, Cal, please don’t say that,” I said with trembling lips.
I reached for his face to cup it but he pulled away.
“No, don’t.”
“But-” I began, but he insisted.
“I have to finish, remember? So now where was I?” He asked, stumbling against a chair. I took a step
forward again, but he shot his hand forward to signal me to not help him.
Author’s note: The memory that Mirabel showed to Zenovia where Aislynn dies was hinted at way back
in chapter six for those who would like to connect the dots