Chapter 184


    Jane


    My heart sinks when I hear Paisley’s question, and I realize that Ethan was right about telling them


    together – not only for the sake of setting a good example for them, but because I didn’t anticipate this


    particr question. It will be easier to break the bad news with him beside me, so that all the me


    doesn’t fall on my shoulders this time.


    It breaks my heart that they’re still asking this, though it’s not surprising. They might be growing up fast,


    but they’re still so little. It’s going to take a very long time and lots of repetition for them to understand –


    as much as any child can understand being separated from their parents.


    “No sweetheart.” Ethan murmurs gently. “In the new year you’re going to go home with your Mommy,


    just like we nned.”


    I watch their faces as they absorb this news, hating inflicting pain on them but knowing there’s no other


    way around it. Riley, Ryder and Parker drop their gazes to theirps, hiding their disappointment from


    us. Paisley, on the other hand, is staring at Ethan with utter determination.


    She stands up, slow and deliberate, her young face very serious as she turns her attention to me. “I


    wanna stay with Daddy.” She says firmly. “I wanna go back to the way things were afore.”


    I feel my knees begin to buckle, and catch myself on the back of the couch. Ive forgotten how to


    breathe, and even as the room begins spinning I’m fighting to controI my expression, not to show her


    how deeply her words cut me. That hurt. That really hurt. Ethan’s strong hands catch me just above the


    elbows, and he eases me down onto the couch, “Easy now.” He murmurs, “Are you okay?”


    I nod, choking back my emotions. The room is still spinning, and I’m afraid I’m going to be sick. “


    Mommy, wha’s wrong!” The pups gather around me anxiously, their faces scrunched up in concern. I


    try to draw in a few breaths of air, but it isn’t easy at all. I clench my eyes shut against the room whirling


    around me in a sickening blur, trying to gauge whether or not I’m going to be sick and whether I’m


    steady enough to reach a restroom if that is the case.


    I’d been afraid that the pups would never stop asking for Ethan- that I’d never be enough for them


    again – but the reality is worse. Paisley doesn’t want me at all. And what if Ethan says yes?


    If he was willing to take Paisley back, could I possibly let him? Is it truly in her best interest to stay with


    me, or is that my own selfish desire to have my daughter near? Would she be happier with Ethan?


    ’I’m sorry, Mommy.” Paisley says, tears in her eyes as she cuddles close to my side. “I didn’t mean to


    upset you.”


    “It’s not your fault cuddlbug,” Ethan exins, kneeling down beside her. “Growing babies takes a lot of


    energy.” Ethan exins, “It makes Mommies very sleepy and upsets their tummies. You’ve got to be


    very gentle with your Mommy while she’s pregnant, okay?”


    Their eyes go wide, and they nod, looking at me with worried expressions. “I’m okay angels, just a bit


    dizzy.”


    “And Paisley, we talked about this.” Ethan answers in an incredibly gentle voice. Wait, he knew? She’s


    already requested this?He knew and he didn’t tell me. “You belong with your Mommy and your brothers


    and sister.”


    “I promised I wouldn’t ever leave you again, remember?” I prompt, wanting to reach for her but still


    uncertain of my own wellness.


    “I know,” Paisley frowns, tears sliding down her cheeks. “But I didn’ know keeping you meant losing


    Daddy.”


    “I’m sorry, lovey.” I sigh, “that isn’t what I want, but my life is in the Dark Moon pack, and Daddy’s is


    here.”


    “I know it’s all very strange and different, but I promise you’ll grew to love it, Paisley.” Ethan adds softly.


    Paisley is ring at him now, her lips quivering as if she wants to make an outburst and is holding


    herself back for some reason. His voice grows stern, “You promised me, Paisley.”


    “Paisley you can’t stay behind.” The other children encourage, and I’m amazed to see our conversation


    last night and the prospect of a new sibling has allowed them to ept this change. I have a feeling it’s


    only temporary, and also suspicious that they’re still plotting things, but right now I’m not going to


    question this. “We haves to be together.”


    She looks back at the other pups, looking suddenly uncertain. “Besides your Mommy’s going to need


    as much help as she can get with the new baby.”


    Ethan continues, “You’re all going to have to take on more responsibilities as big brothers and sisters.


    These are very important jobs.”


    “And Mr. Fluff needs you too!” Riley adds, gesturing to the forgotten bunny, who is currently scampering


    towards the kitchen, no doubt following his nose. Paisley follows the direction of her sister’s finger, and


    when she looks back at us, I realize she’s not angry with me. She’s angry with Ethan for not letting her


    stay. I’m beginning to wonder if she knows that he’s the reason none of us can stay. Before this trip she


    was equally upset with me, but now she throws another furious look at her father and climbs up onto


    the couch next to me, crawling halfway into myp. She nudges her head under my arm and continues


    throwing sullen nces at Ethan. “Fine,” She mutters. “I’ll go with Mommy.”


    I use my free hand to stroke her cheek, dropping k!sses to her hair. “There now, no more arguing.” I


    croon. “It’s still Christmas, and there are more presents to open.”


    Ryder, Riley, and Parker bound over to the Christmas tree, excitedly sorting through the boxes and


    bags, then delivering them to the person assigned to each gift. Paisley stays tucked under my arm, and


    her familiar weight against my side relieves some of my dizziness, I continue cuddling her, catching


    Ethan turn away out of the corner of my eye. HIs head is bowed, his shoulders and stiff, and his hands


    clenched into fists.


    What is that about? I wonder. Is he angry at me? At her? For doing what he wants?


    However When Parker brings Ethan a gift box covered in too many bows to have been wrapped by


    anyone but a four-year-old, He turns back with a smile, lookingpletely unbothered. He epts the


    present, yfully shaking the box and earning himself a scolding from Ryder, “Daddy be careful!”


    “I’m sorry.” He replies sheepishly, carefully ripping the paper off. Inside there is a set of four candles,


    each of which bears one of the pup’s names. Ethan pulls out the first one, lifting the Riley jar to his


    nose and blinking in astonishment. “Goddess, it smells exactly like you.” He says to the pup in


    question. It only takes a moment before he looks up to me. “How -?”


    “Creating scents is what I do, remember?” I remind him. “And the pups wanted you to have something


    to remember them by.” At my words, Paisley cuddles closer with a little whimper, and I deposit another


    k!ss on her sweetsmelling hair, rubbing her arm in long, soothing strokes. Ethan however, is staring at


    me as if I’ve given him the moon. His eyes are shining, and I realize just how badly it’s hurting him to


    give up the pups. A spark of rage courses through me despite the emotion he’s clearly trying to hide,


    visibly blinking tears from his eyes.


    It didn’t have to be this way. I want to roar. You’re the one hurting yourself, not me.


    “Thank you, pups.” He tells them gratefully. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”


    I’m so busy trying to contain my anger with Ethan that I barely notice when Parker and Ryder deposit a


    large box in my ownp. Lifting the tag I read: To Jane, To Make Up for All the Moments You Missed.


    I don’t understand the meaning of the card until I lift the boxes’ lid, finding a baby pink scrapbook


    inside. Paisley’s Firsts is written across the cover, and I’m crying before I can even open the book.


    Linda knows that I keep scrapbooks like this for all my kids, highlighting all their important first


    moments: First steps, first words, first smiles. Of course I was never able to create one for Paisley,


    because I wasn’t around for her firsts.


    “Mommy, why are you crying?” Paisley inquires, reaching up to try and pull my hands from my face.


    “Because it’s you!” I hup, “It’s all the things I dreamed about being there for but never could!”


    I flip open the front cover, raking my gaze over the pages with awe. Everything is there, from the day


    she was born, to right up until I arrived in the NightFang territory this summer. “How did Linda even get


    these photos?” I ask aloud, looking at Ethan. A walles down over his expression when my gaze


    reaches his face, and I catch only the quickest sh of indistinguishable emotion before his features


    bepletely drawn and nk.


    He shrugs. “She asked me to send them, I didn’t know why.”


    The scrapbook is only half full, and on thest printed page, another message awaits, For all the


    photos yet toe.


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