Chapter 150


    “Do you want the textbook version?” He throws me a wary look and I nod gently, impatient to know


    more about him, even if I am feeling a little wary. Mentally storing the name to search on google when


    I’m alone. Even if he exins well, it won’t be enough and now I want to know everything there is to


    know about what it is. This is a major thing.


    “It’s characterised by impulsive, irresponsible and criminal behaviour. Maniption, deceit,ck of


    empathy, sometimes controlling behaviour. Aggression, violence, pushing people into things I want and


    not giving a shit what it does to them. Sex is often a weapon and something I know I use. Doesn’t


    exactly paint a good picture of me does it?” Alexi looks sombre, as though regretting telling me this,


    and realising he is doing the opposite of giving me a reason to trust him; for me, it’s not like that. He’s


    being honest about the worst of him and not hiding this from me. He is shining a light on the things that


    could earn my forgiveness, just by being truthful with me. Laying it out bare right in front of my eyes.


    It’s not too dissimr to him reading those damn journals.


    “It sounds about right for you,” I utter softly, trying to lighten the atmosphere. In the back of my mind, I


    wonder if that means he’s incapable of promising to never hurt me again and something inside of me


    sinks like a lead weight, dashing hopes I never knew I had inside me. If he’s only partially in control of


    the things he does, then how could he stop himself from doing those things to me again.


    I suddenly have an overwhelming urge to cry, a bitter disappointment flooding me I never sawing,


    and that lump in my throat consumes me painfully. Biting at me sharply right in that void where my


    heart lives.


    “I have a shrink and I don’t take meds. They don’t work. And before you came along and screwed my


    head up, I was doing okay. It’s hard to treat something like this when your job makes most of those


    traits a requirement, so my shrink is at a loss other than trying to keep me level. The only thing which


    helps when my head’s racing is alcohol. I self-medicate asionally.” Alexi is so blunt and matter of


    fact about it, but his tapping thumb as he hits his thigh softly tells me otherwise. All that excessive


    energy I sometimes see brimming out is clear now. He’s putting a brave face on a difficult topic and I


    blink at him, losing all reservation as I lean towards him. I feel empty and just need to w back some


    hope now I’m armed with this.


    It also exins his alcohol consumption. He’s not spiralling down towards an addiction; he’s trying to


    keep himself centred.


    “So, you can control it then? I mean, it’s not like having an alternate personality that takes over.


    Snapping and beating men up in nightclubs for daring to touch me.” I push gently, a hint of humour with


    myst jibe that goes with my cheeky hint of a smile. My heart hammering and breath paused because


    I truly want to know if whatever this is between us has a future. If this is something he can ovee for


    me. I don’t care how he treats the rest of the world, but I want to know if he can stay true to his promise


    that he will never hurt me again … never use sex as a weapon or crush my soul. If he can curb the


    violent outbursts I saw in Miami or if I’m doomed with a man who is unpredictable and hostile, and I


    would be smarter to run away.


    “Mostly. I never had an emotional conflict that fucked me up the way you did before. You brought out


    the worst in me, but it’s not like that anymore. I told you I would never hurt you again and I never will. I


    promised and I won’t go back on that. I’m in control of me, most of the time. Miami was … booze,


    jealousy and a need to protect you. It was a one-off. I normally keep my shit together a hell of a lot


    better.”


    This time he gives me a loaded look, something in me wants so badly to believe him and I can almost


    feel him willing me to believe. I look away, processing and trying to keep things lighter than they feel


    right now.


    Miami was a lot of things, I guess. He saw a man all over me, and whether jealous or afraid I was being


    hurt, he snapped, epically. He could have killed him, and I can’t forget how he was that night. He


    pushed me away and sent me flying and then after, typical angry Alexi all up in my face. Although, he


    didn’t do anything to me, even though he was fuelled on rage and looking devilish to boot. Maybe the


    answer is in that memory already. He didn’t hurt me.


    “I don’t know what to say. I honestly never imagined you had an actual reason for being how you are,


    or that I would ever see you with a psychiatrist. That’s a major thing.” I get up impulsively, hating that


    the more he opens up the more withdrawn and closed off his tone and expression is getting, and I


    know this must be unbearable for him. He’s trying not to recoil into the cold, silent sadist I know and


    hate and it’s obvious how much he is trying to give me this. He keeps switching from a casual pose, to


    upright stiffness, and I can’t sit over here aching for his warmth and watching it. It’s painful.


    “Yeah. Not exactly something a Mafia boss wants to admit to having, but without him, I don’t think I


    would have any sanity left. Him and Mico, they are the sense when Ick it. Between them, they stop


    me going off the deep end and being worse than I am.”


    Makes sense. I always said Mico was like Alexi’s walking conscience and I guess that is truer than I


    could ever have imagined. Alexicks the right emotional response to some things and Mico is there to


    point it out to him when he listens. It exins why he could be so cold to me and didn’t seem affected


    by things that would break other men.


    I don’t know if I’m relieved to find this out about him or worried about how deep this goes. It unnerves


    me that this man might honestly never feel remorse for the things he does, even though he ims to


    know what remorse is. I watch him, my heart throbbing and my stomach turning over with a feeling that


    is very close to heartbreak. I feel wounded with the possibility that Alexi may never truly feel as deeply


    as he says he does, and I don’t like it at all.


    His version of love might never live up to mine.


    Instinctively, limbs moving without thought, I walk over and climb onto hisp, surprising him and


    curling up like a needy little kitten. Needing his touch as much as wanting to give it. I feel like he just


    tipped me all out of whack again and sent me on another spiralling freefall and I need reassurance. I


    need that sense of security his touch gives me.


    He says nothing, just moves to amodate me and I slide my arms around his neck, nestling into


    him, needing to feel him and needing to believe he can love me the way he says he does. I need that


    more than anything.


    I want him to know what he’s saying isn’t scaring me away and I’m willing to give him a chance. It’s the


    first time since I met him, I can honestly say without a doubt he is being open and honest. I feel for him,


    truly. The pain he endured for something that was never his fault and he has tried all these years to fix


    himself. He wants to be a better man and that is the hope I’m clinging onto right now.


    I never imagined in a million years he would tell me that.


    I never imagined, even an hour ago, I would be the one making the first move to close the gap between


    us physically.


    This Alexi, with all his ws and putting himself out there—I like this guy. I could love this man if he can


    love me back. Maybe I can learn to trust him.


    Alexi slides an arm around my waist to pull me closer and rests his forehead against mine gently. No


    hesitation with being tender and it pulls me in more. My arms sliding around those shoulders and I curl


    my legs into a neat little ball on top of him. His body locking me close as though he might never release


    me; that safety I always yearn for envelops me with his touch and everything in me calms to a less


    traumatic hum.


    Warm andfortable on a strongp, pressed in the muscr arms of a firm body. He was built to be


    a protector. The perfect specimen of a man.


    “I expected you to run for the hills already.” He utters softly, a new tone for him and possibly the most


    alluring in his whole arsenal, and I shrug. Feeling so much suddenly, tingling inside and out and I could


    stay like this forever. He somehow makes me feel right when everything around me is falling apart. Our


    conversation has quelled some of my ‘ready to run’ impulse because I think I want to console him more


    than I want to flee. Thest minutes of chatter has blown my vision of him to pieces, and right this


    second, he’s just a wounded boy who needs my hug.


    “I’m not very bright and as you always point out, I like getting myself into trouble. I don’t think I could


    find bigger trouble than you. I’m drawn to danger.” I giggle softly and it works to crack a handsome


    smile on his face. He exhales heavily, blowing out some of his own tension but keeping me close.


    It’s probably the most honest moment of intimacy we have ever had. No games, no motives, just nose


    to nose, so close it’s like we are one and there’s stillness and peace between us. If my stupid head


    doesn’t kick in to make me jump ship and head for the hills, then I could get used to this.


    “I know right from wrong if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m not a psychopath and I do feel


    something when I … take care of business. Some of the things I do leave their mark. I feel remorse, for


    some things anyway, and I do love people that matter to me. I love you, that wasn’t a lie. I may not


    always have the right reactions to certain things but the basics of what I feel works, Cam. I’m capable


    of loving you and treating you right. Don’t be afraid of me.” Alexi’s voice is soft and husky, so close I


    can feel the air on my lips, and I gaze into those endless grey eyes.


    It’s like he read my mind, dug into my thoughts and found the fear dwelling there. Alexi is still too good


    at second-guessing people, and in this instance, I’m d to have his reassurances.


    I look at him for a long time, my insides turning to mush but always with that little niggle of fear in the


    background.


    “So … you found out you were problematic, and your mother still shunned you. Then what?” I try to get


    it back on track and away from this lovey-dovey talk, not ready to go down that route, and Alexi’s brow


    furrows a little. He knows I’m backing off from romance and love talk for now, that’s not what this hug


    was for, and he narrows a fixed gaze on my eyes. Taking the hint and realising this isn’t cuddling up for


    smoochiness.


    “Gino and I were slowly growing apart. He didn’t understand or see what I could see. I resented him


    because of it. We looked identical, we are alike in so many ways, yet she adored him and hated me,


    and I couldn’t understand why. I med my brother rather than her, as screwed up as that sounds. It


    was easier toy me on anyone that wasn’t her. So, my behaviour got worse and I continued to be


    the outcast of the family. Always a loner and kept away from the get-togethers, even though she was


    the only one who pushed me out. The rest of them tried to bring me back into the fold and I guess it’s


    why I now have close bonds with so many of my cousins. They didn’t give up on me and weed me


    back with open arms.”


    I see that respect and loyalty every day when his men are around him. Mico and Jackson, they adore


    him, and I can’t believe any of them would’ve pushed him aside before he was theirmander. There


    are genuine bonds with his closest family, I see that. Another hint that he can, and does, formsting


    rtionships and controls his sadistic side. His mother though, what in the hell is she all about?


    Fucking bitch.


    “At thirteen, you shot someone to save her. That changed nothing?” I push gently, trying to understand


    the mechanics of their rtionship. He obviously has some weird need to never me her, and I just


    can’t fathom why.


    Alexi is keeping me close to him in what feels like a natural and soothing position on hisp. Nothing


    sexual in his hold on me. He seems as happy as I am to be connected this way. It’s innocent and


    serves no purpose other than to give each other a little human contact while talking about something


    difficult. I don’t think we have had many moments where touch wasn’t loaded in sexual intent or some


    sort of maniption. Maybe after Feral, now I think of it. He only intention was soothing me and that’s


    what I’m doing for him now.


    “You would think, but no. It was our birthday; she was taking us for ice cream because it’s what Gino


    wanted. It happened so fast and it was him or us. I don’t remember thinking about it, or hesitating; I just


    knew I had to save us after our driver was taken down first. He dropped his gun and I did what I had to


    do. It was over in seconds.”


    Just like that. A teenage boy with no previous experiences of doing anything like it and he stepped up


    to the te like a hero.


    “That’s why you don’t like birthdays either!”


    He nods his head at me, and I screw up my face a little for him, curling up in his arms andy my head


    against his chest without thinking about what I’m doing. It seems natural, and as I want him to keep


    talking, I know that not staring at his face might make him morefortable to do so. Alexi slides his


    other arm around me and holds me close, as though this is what we always do. It seems necessary. I


    wish I had let this happenst night when I saw those journals. Maybe I wouldn’t have reacted half as


    bad.


    “She was grateful at first, but then when it sank in, and she realised my response to what I did wasn’t


    normal, she changed. I had no remorse, no regret. In my head I had logically done the right thing,


    therefore I had no reason to feel any sort of guilt. I saved my family—it was him or us, and I truly


    couldn’t see the wrong in that. My father understood, but she was abhorred by myck of emotion over


    it, and it was the nail in my coffin. She wanted me out of the house and away from my siblings, so sure


    I was going to turn out to be a serial killer and ughter them all in their sleep. She and my father


    fought all night, we could hear them yelling in their room about how unhinged I was.”


    The little tremor and hint of raw emotion as he trails off, says it hurt him deeply. To hear how his own


    mother thought of him as a monster, when all he did was protect her.


    “Lexi, that’s horrible. She rewarded your heroism with repulsive behaviour. Your mother is a goddamn


    bitch who should have stood by her son and helped him when she knew he had something to exin


    hisck of feeling.” I retort angrily, pushing upright again and ring at him as though she is sitting


    there instead. This impulsive anger shooting out from deep inside me with a fire that could melt ss.


    “I killed someone, Cam. That’s not normal, and then I felt nothing but justification for what I did. That’s


    not normal either. Even I know that. A thirteen-year-old kid killing for the first time, I should have had


    some reaction to it! A trauma, maybe nightmares or some sort of after-effects. I had nothing.”


    He tries to exin but there is no dowsing my hot-headed temper when it erupts.


    “With what you have, then actually I think it’s perfectly fucking normal. You logically removed the guilt


    because you knew you did something good. Is she deluded? Did she miss the fact you were seeing a


    shrink for exactly that? Did she miss the fact you saved her fucking life and is still breathing because of


    you? Yes, you killed a man in self-defence and then you didn’t cry about it and fall to pieces. That’s


    pretty impressive in my book. I didn’t cry over watching my mother die at my feet, does that mean I’m


    crazy and unfit to be loved? I wanted to put the needle in her fucking arm myself and it was only a


    matter of time before I did. Self-preservation is a good fucking reason to feel nothing for taking a life or


    watching someone die without feeling. I think the only unhinged twat in your family has breasts and


    calls herself a fucking mother!” I rage at him,pletely overwhelmed with volcanic hatred at the


    stupid cow who shunned her child after saving her life. On a rant of epic proportions because this has


    hit me so deeply and I can’t believe anyone can be so cruel and ungrateful.


    Is she dense? He saved her goddamn life. He did what any man would do in that position, but he was a


    child, which makes it even more remarkable.


    Alexi frowns at me like I’ve gone mad.


    “Not exactly the response I was expecting.” He smiles at me, brushing hair back from my face and it


    only angers me more.


    “Well, I’m not an anally retentive fucking arsehole who cares more about her reputation than her son


    who needed her. She can go fuck herself, Alexi. Your mother is aplete knob and half the reason


    you have issues!”


    “A what?” Alexi bursts outughing at my explosive outburst, a cheery break that sounds almost


    melodic in this heavy topic, and I re at him. Not simmering in any way but I’m itching to march my


    arse to The Hamptons and give that woman a piece of my mind—and a p.


    “A dick!” I retort dryly and heughs more. Amused with my British insults and maybe just my general


    reaction. I’m seething and he’s not really dampening it.


    “You and Gino have the same view on that. It seems me being evicted from the family home opened


    his eyes to what I’d been saying for years. Gino has never forgiven her for it, and he cannot forgive her


    part in where my life headed. He thinks this is all on her.”


    “I’m d, it seems your brother has a sense of loyalty and gratitude that’s missing in your mother’s


    DNA. What a fucktard!” I jump up, itching with this overwhelming hostility that needs an outlet. I grab


    my wine and take a huge gulp, so engulfed in outrage my body is tingling all over. A violent outburst


    seems necessary and I suddenly understand his rage in Miami and need to just pulverise someone.


    She threw her child out of his home at thirteen for protecting his family. What an idiot! She doesn’t


    deserve someone like Alexi. Someone who will stop at nothing to keep the people he cares about safe.


    A man who would kill or die to protect you.


    Can she not see how huge that is? The sort of soul who sacrifices himself for those he loves.


    A man who has killed for me and stood in the way of any harming at me from the moment I met


    him. Alexi is my hero, maybe not the fairy-tale version on a white horse and gant armour. He is more


    of the dark variety and scarier than the devil, but he would never let anyone hurt a hair on my head and


    now I realise I’ve always known it. It’s why I fell in love with him, even when I had no reason to.


    He has gone above and beyond to show me he will do anything to keep the monsters at bay. Tracking


    them down to London and delivering a cold punishment befitting the crimes. He set up a shooting to


    orchestrate a protection n for me.


    What more do I need? It’s shining like a neon sign, staring me in the face.


    He has never shown affection in conventional ways so he would obviously never show love in normal


    ways either. He has shown me in Alexi ways, repeatedly. Protecting me, swooping in and saving me,


    doing what he can to keep me safe. Buying me a bracelet on a birthday I didn’t want to celebrate while


    still leaving me alone. Taking me to Miami with his family and trying to show me how to use a gun. It’s


    always been about keeping me safe, close and showing he cares.


    He loves me. Why? I don’t know, and will probably never work that part out, but I’ve never been as sure


    of anything in my life as I am of that.


    He would put his life in front of mine to make sure nothing happened to me, even if he died. That’s love.


    That’s what his mother should have cherished.


    It’s Alexi’s form of love.


    Alexi tugs me by the wrist back to him and yanks me onto hisp again, a little harshly. What’s left of


    my wine sloshing around as he pulls me back to how I was before, curled up against him intimately.


    Seems he preferred me on top of him and I don’t fight him as I’m enveloped back into a position that


    calms me down instantly. My fire dwindling in his embrace.This text is ? N?velDrama/.Org.


    “You’re nothing like her.” He brushes my hair back from my face, fingers grazing my skin delicately and


    adjusts me, so I’m satfortably once more. He takes my ss from me andys it on the side table


    out of the way. Those pale greys boring into my soul as he gazes at me. A serious expression, yet


    somehow soft,pletely captivating. Simmering me down to a low hum.


    “Good, she’s a prick of epic proportions and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.” I snap


    and then smile in embarrassment as my cheeks flush at just how much this has got to me. It’s even a


    surprise to me that I would react so venomously, but I can’t help it.