Chapter 120


    I walk into the office where Alexi has been holed up for hours and rap on the door as I enter to get his


    attention. Dressed in another tight jersey dress today, this one is long sleeved and stretchy, ck to


    match my mood and broken up with a gold belt that matches my killer heel shoes. I’m in sleek chic and


    not been in a very merry frame of mind all day. I feel like I have been tugging along a looming ck


    cloud everywhere I go sincest night, and I am just simmering with hostile energy.


    ‘What is it?’ He doesn’t rip his eyes away from hisptop as he types, just keeps on with whatever he is


    doing, and I linger by the door. Mildly annoyed that he doesn’t even give me a look to acknowledge me


    properly, seeing as this is the first I have seen him today. He has been holed up out of my way and


    sending moody vibes through the whole building from afar. It feels like everyone has been tiptoeing


    around, and I am pretty sure he is the cause. A look or a ‘hey’ would have been bloody polite, to say


    the least!


    He’s in a white shirt opened at the neck, no tie, and from here I can’t tell what trousers he has on but I


    assume they are grey, like the jacket he has hanging over the back of his chair with a tie peeking out


    the breast pocket. His sleeves are rolled up exposing all that delicious ck ink that I tear my eyes


    away from and just stare at the top of his head. He is radiating stressed and harassed today and it’s


    almost deafening in the surrounding atmosphere; Perfect timing to aggravate him a lot then.


    ‘I thought I better let you know that I am taking tomorrow off—All day—I won’t be down for the evening,


    but I have briefed my paleparison on her duties, and trust Jones to be my eyes for the night.’ I


    answer ndly, sighing at my own heavy mood, weighed down today by some weird sullen emotions


    that have had me on the verge of tears multiple times over the stupidest crap today already; May as


    well share the joy with a deserving tosser.


    My statement certainly catches his attention and he lifts those stormy eyes, hinting at a more than a


    headache of a day with a strained expression on his face, to stare at me coldly.


    ‘Why aren’t you working it? We only openedst night!’ There is definite annoyance in his tone but I just


    shrug nonchntly, giving not a care. Not in the mood for his shit after leaving me coldst night. He


    was aplete nk arsehole after the Tyler incident and avoided me for the duration, before slinking


    off to bed before the doors closed. He was up before me this morning too, so we missed each other


    completely. If I didn’t know better I would think he was avoiding me.


    ‘I’m just not. I need a day to myself and you’re not staying upstairs either. I want to be left in peace.’ I


    point out and raise a brow as if to dare him to challenge me on this. It is one day a year I don’t like


    people near me.


    ‘Why? What’s so special about it?’ Alexi the bloodhound, sniffing on a tiny bit of Intel, and being


    typically nosy and controlling. I should have known this would turn into the Spanish Inquisition. My


    irritation rises up inside hotly and I push down the urge to just turn and walk off.


    ‘It’s a need to know, and you don’t. I’m off for an hour to get my nails touched up. I broke onest night


    opening an overly secure Whisky bottle.’ I automatically nce at my broken tip and turn to go,


    dismissing him airily with a quick empty smile. Not about to defend my decision.


    ‘You can’t have the day off if you don’t tell me what it’s for,’ he snaps, halting me in my tracks, and my


    skin bristles all over as that annoyance turns to simmering bad mood.


    Fuck’s sake.


    ‘Maybe I have a date.’ I throw him a poisonous smirk, and he just immediately tenses all over. Hisrge


    shoulders the most noticeable visually and that deep sense of smug cools my jets a little.


    Poke, poke, poke, little bear.


    ‘Then no … You’re working.’ Closed off, cold tone and eyes back on his screen like he’s dismissing me


    with no further conversation. I know it’s because he thinks it’s about seeing another man—he’s so


    transparent and it’s almost bloodyughable.


    ‘Partner … Not boss. I don’t even need to tell you, but I was being polite. It was not a request but


    merely an announcement.’ I answer him calmly, equally cool toned with hints of stubborn inteced.


    Digging my heels in, frowning at him, and not about to take any of his nonsense. He can’t tell me what


    to do anymore and he needs reminding constantly of that.


    Alexi taps his thumb on the table beside his keyboard, his little tell when he’s simmering or trying to


    think up a way to handle the current situation. It’s satisfying to watch him squirm anyway, and I rest


    back against the door frame casually to see how much more I can prod and push him before I go. It’s


    the only fun I may get today.


    ‘You think ditching work to go fuck about is professional? Men over money? Maybe I hired the wrong


    girl and had a higher opinion of you than I should have!’ It’s an insult and a way to get me to bite, and


    despite knowing this, it really gets under my skin more than I should let it. I know he pulls this stuff out


    for a reaction and his words are his biggest weapon. I know he only uses what he knows will wound to


    truly piss you off to the maximum, but still. I bloody snap. No one cares more about this club than me.


    How fucking dare he!


    ‘It’s my birthday!!!! … I like to spend it locked away from the world and curse out the bitch who blessed


    me with life. OKAY? Not a fucking date.’ I retort angrily, nerve endings tingling with my fiery anger,


    falling for his BS and giving him the info he was angling for, but I am not working on the one day a year


    I allow myself to sit in a dark depression and hate myself for ever being born.


    Alexi just looks at me silently for a long, infuriatingly unreadable moment,pletely devoid of human


    emotion.


    ‘Fine … Get Joanne to cover you. ’ He dismisses everything in his previous tone, with disinterest now


    that he has the answer, and it makes me want to choke him all the more; Manipting shit head.


    ‘That was the n before you decided to be an arse about it,’ I snap childishly, and he just sighs at me.


    All his bad mood taking a turn and he puts on a reasonable face.


    ‘I understand the birthday thing … it’s just another day. Wish Gino would catch on to that and give it a


    rest.’ He seems pensive for a moment, and even though I am getting vibes of serious and could


    probably dig for info on why he feels that way about his, smart mouth wins over. He has me riled in an


    already crappy mood and I am juvenile for shits and giggles.


    ‘Is it because you have to share and it’s not all about Alexi?’ I droll sarcastically, eyes all intent on


    looking smart arse and I raise a haughty brow.


    Alexi’s natural growly face falls immediately, followed by a fed-up sigh that instantly makes me feel a


    tiny bit remorseful. I don’t get why he always makes me feel thisbative, he just does. He shakes


    his head and goes back to his screen with that tell-tale sulky boy attitude and wounded expression that


    gets me right in the chest. Something in his demeanour that gnaws at me, tugs right at my heart strings


    for a moment and I hate that he makes me feel this way.


    ‘There’s no man … There never was. You are more than enough male in one lifetime to be dealing


    with, Carrero. I haven’t got the stamina to put up with drama from any other arseholes in my life. Have


    a nice day.’ I roll my eyes at my own dumb weakness and turn on my heel to walk away, not waiting for


    retaliation or even a reaction, and feelingpletely stupid for telling him the truth and losing that tiny


    annoyance in his day. It’s such a dumb move and no doubt one I will regretter.


    I don’t know why I am all soft and caring about his mood after he’s been an ignorant prick but here it is.


    Alexi’s getting into my head and messing me up without even trying. I am obviously just having a very


    off day and should go back to bed.


    Jackson is waiting patiently outside the door for me and I slide my arm into his as I meet up with him,


    instant calm and soothing warmth to pick me up out of my dark hovel and set me up for a brighter day


    ahead.


    This past couple of weeks I have grown a little fond of my gentle giant, and much like I summarised


    from the start … he’s like a loyal puppy dog who will happily bounce along for a little affection. I don’t


    have to flirt or make eyes at him. I just have to be nice, treat him with respect, and he is more than


    willing to oblige.


    Alexi would probably hate how easily I have wrapped him around my little finger, but I feel safe with


    Jackson. He’s a sort of big bear protector with a heart.


    ‘Nail salon, Miss Cami? He smiles my way, his use of the title and name is just part of his charm, and


    he has called me it from day one. I like it, makes me feel like a very preciousdy.


    ‘Yes, then we can stop off for that sorbet you like on the way back. I fancy something to cool me down


    in today’s heat.’ I smile widely at that little dimpled face of his and resist the urge to poke him in his


    pudgy cheek. Alexi would have a shit fit if he knew one of his deadly henchmen was my adorablep


    dog.


    He gets that excited look that would trante to a wagging tail and I can’t help the little warm fuzzy


    feeling it gives me to put a smile on his face. He’s been my sort of stand-in Mico when they were


    absent, and I would dare to say, I would be sad not to see Jackson in my day now that I am used to


    him being my shadow. He’s not the brightest of men, but fiercely loyal to his wife and loves nothing


    more than talking all about how much he adores her and his family.


    I am starting to realise that Carrero men break the mould, and I just wonder where it all went wrong


    with Alexi.


    I am also aware how the girl who always kept people at arm’s length, and never trusted any man, has


    now got rather warm affection for at least two Carrero men and a debatable something for their angry


    master.This belongs to N?velDrama.Org.


    * * *


    I wake up on the morning of my birthday in a pre-decided crappy mood. It started before I got into bed,


    and although I shouldn’t put so much emphasis on one shitty day a year, I can’t help it. It’s not just my


    birthday, it’s the day she let that bastard do what he did to me and changed my entire life. That fateful


    day aged eleven years old, that day my mother really lost her right to call herself that, once and for all.


    So I am in no mood to really celebrate the anniversary of the death of my innocence in any way, shape


    or form. It’s a bad memory from a dark ce and one I wish would just bypass without my knowledge.


    I get up and head straight for the shower so as not to ponder on it, dragging my arse in that same


    crappy frame of mind from yesterday, already overshadowed with my own cloud of doom and gloom. I


    have ns to keep myself upied all day—Shower, food, take my time getting ready, then I have a


    couple of hours to vegetate in front of a shitty bunch of soppy films and drink my sorrows out till lunch. I


    might go do some retail therapy if I want to go out, but basically, I want a day of nothing but me time;


    Sad time to get it out of my system and then get through until tomorrow, to ignore it all again for another


    year.


    I take forever in the shower. It’s around ten a.m. as I tried to sleep aste as I could, but my body kept


    waking me. At one point I could have sworn I smelled Alexi’s aftershave but that’s ridiculous. He didn’t


    even stay herest night at all, and it was early hours of the morning at a time the club was shut. He


    left around eight and never came back to the club, so it couldn’t have been him up here for anything. I


    came to bed myself before midnight, in a bid to be done with this day before it even began, and left


    Joanne to watch the floor seeing as that’s what she is there for.


    I wrap myself in a robe and pad out to my room to get dried and dressed, opting for sweats and a t-shirt


    today. I’ll changeter if I decide to go out, but for now, I want a break from being Cami. I just want to


    be no one—a kid who never had to worry about her appearance or her manners or her persona. Just a


    little girl who used to love climbing trees and watching the world go by.


    I used to pretend I was an invisible ghost, high up in my ce among the leaves where nothing could


    touch me or see me, and I want to go back to that feeling for the next twelve hours … disappearing for


    a day with no one expecting anything from her.


    I used to be so fearless of the heights I would climb to. It was my escape for when my mother was on a


    comedown and rattling from withdrawals, or when Rick was looking for me.


    I stopped climbing those trees after I turned eleven.


    I wander into the living room, feeling sombre, my head trying to blot out the things it wants to think


    about, but my mood is that of fatigue and emotional exhaustion. This always happens on this day. My


    brain is unable to shut it off or think about anything else, but at the same time swirls round and round


    combatting the memories, so I don’t let them seep in and drag me into tearful despair. She is always in


    the forefront as I strike off another year, whether I want to see her in my mind’s eye or not—like a bad


    smell that lingers.


    Did I love my mother?


    I think in some ways I did once, a long time ago. That desperate sad child who just longed for her own


    mother’s approval and affection because she never gave it to me. I know there must be some kind of


    syndrome name for a stupid loyal attachment to someone who continually abuses you, and no doubt


    most would point it at how I feel about Alexi and shake their head in disappointment.


    She hit me and cursed me out as far back as I can remember. The first memory I have of her really, is


    standing in a soiled nappy, holding a dirty nket asfort and feeling cold. I don’t even remember


    what age I was, only that my stomach hurt and I was sobbing and reaching for her in so much despair. I


    walked across the bare wooden floor of what I assume was the t we spent our lives in and I


    remember saying ‘Mummy, Mummy’ and just wanting some sort of human affection. The bitch kicked


    me halfway across that room and told me to shut the fuck up.


    That is how I remember my mother.


    Always quick to violence, always quick to push me away, always quick to destroy me in any way she


    could. Her scars on me are not physical … but they are here, always on me like dirty marks. She set


    the tone for myck of self-worth.