Chapter 18: 18


    ‘‘I’m not about to give you my sob story Carrero, it isn’t some hidden scar needing to be talked about. I


    am great at moving on in life and forgetting shit that happens to me and you are not much of a shoulder


    to cry on. Not that I need you to be.’’ I move away to get space from him, unnerved by the way his


    presence is making me feel ustrophobic suddenly. My body still tingling when he gets too near and


    having a hard time keeping the flutters at bay, even if I do think he is Satan. I swear it has to be his


    aftershave or something that makes me react this way without effort on his part, sometimes it happens


    without him even touching me and I hate that cannot get a handle on it. The devil''s allure or something.


    ‘’Your history beyond appearing in New York a few years back is sketchy at best. My man couldn’t even


    find anything at all about you before that. Howe you haven’t been deported back forck of a visa?


    Do we have a secret husband somewhere enabling your stay?’’ He looks nk and it’s hard to tell if


    this questioning is intrigue or something more and I just shrug.


    ‘’I’m American. I was born here and taken to Ennd by my mother when I was two. I don’t need a visa


    because I’m a US citizen with dual nationality. My father lives in Texas. Dead for all I care.’’ I walk to the


    couch and sit down, carefully pulling my legs out of sight under me and pull a cushion on myp to


    cover some of what’s on show. I’m more than aware he doesn’t go for my full-on seduction act and


    after tonight I’m not in the mood to y it anyway. I feel like I just need a break from the outward


    persona and just time to sit and let my pain relief work. Time off from being a toy for men to push


    around.


    I just want to feel secure for a little while and not meet any demands or pushy questions while I get


    some respite. It’s rare in my life to ever just get a moment to feel still.


    ‘‘You don’t have a rtionship with him then? Is he why you came back here?’’ Alexi is probing still,


    eyes doing a great job of not perving on the parts of me he can see, and I shrug again. Knowing when I


    avoid answering he turns into a controlling prick, but I don’t really want to have this heart-to-heart with


    him. If I get it out quickly, without emotion he might just drop it altogether, feed his curiosity enough to


    never have him pry again. He wants information and that’s all.


    ‘‘Yes and no. I showed up thinking I might have someone to call family, and he threatened to shoot me


    if I didn’t get off his property. He called me a harlot and the devil incarnate; fucking alcoholic bible


    basher. He inspired the red hair though with his sweet words of Jezebel and Lucifer’s bride. Have to


    thank him for that and setting me on my new path in life.’’ I say it without feeling but deep down it stirs


    an ember of spite and pain that I try to ignore. When it came to the lottery of parents I bypassed luck


    with both and ended up with the barrel scrapes of the gene pool.


    I’m d I grew up looking like my grandmother, from what I saw of her pictures anyway. She was long


    gone before I appeared so didn’t give me any reason to despise her the way I do my biological parents.


    Alexies back and sits opposite me on the L shaped couch, giving me plenty of space, hunched


    forward as he holds his ss in his two hands and swirls it slowly. His eyes downcast on his liquid


    refreshment as though he is deep in thought.


    ‘‘Nice guy. And your mother?’’


    Really? Alexi is a nosey bastard.


    He likes to know everything about everyone and anything. It’s tiring, and I am not na?ve. I know he


    collects information to store in that fast brain of his that he can use at another time. Usually to get in


    your head or under your skin; I have seen him do it with ease.


    ‘’Dead. She was a heroin addict, and she died at my feet when I was fifteen.’’ Actually, on the floor a


    few feet away, but who’s picking apart the details. Stupid bitch did it to herself and I watched her die


    with no sense of remorse at all.


    Another little tingle of bitterness about a past I have no space for hits me low in the gut and I swallow it


    away with the memory. People just use you and discard you anyway, it’s easier to cut off all emotional


    ties and go it alone. Her death gave me some sort of freedom in a way. One less controlling bastard to


    use me as a punching bag.


    ‘’Jesus!’’ Alexi, for the first time ever, has an actual facial expression that I recognise. He looks


    momentarily sympathetic, a little surprised and I try to ignore it. Same as the moment of gentle, it


    throws me and I look anywhere but at him. His mask is slipping and I wonder if it’s because he has


    been around me for weeks now and is starting to rx, or if it is because he is tired and home and lets


    it slide asionally.


    ‘‘I don’t care. She wasn’t worth much as family. I’m better off without those sorts of ties to people, they


    just hinder you and drag you down.’’


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    Story of my life!


    ‘‘Not all families do that … Mine are close. All of us, even the ones who stay out of this side of the


    business. My twin and my cousins are my closest friends and I trust no one outside of my bloodline, I


    care about them and I work very hard to protect all of them, so I can’t imagine what being alone must


    have been like and losing your mother so young.’’ Alexi sits back propping his feet on the table and I


    notice he has no shoes on, only ck socks and it’s weirdly informal somehow. As is the frank and


    open way he’s telling me things I never expected him to share with me. I wonder if he’s softening


    towards me a little after all and it’s prompted this couch sharing thing he has going on. It''s surreal and a


    little disarming.


    ‘’Believe me, losing her was the best thing that could have happened to me and leaving that wretched


    country was the second.


    I learned I had to rely on myself and myself alone. People don’t give a shit about you, only what you


    can do for them. Presentpany included, but it’s okay because I know that’s the reality of life, and I


    am fine with it. I know where I stand with you and what is expected of me.’‘ It’s why I feel safe here with


    him. Heid down the rules and the boundaries, and he has stuck to them. He cohabits and yet doesn’t


    touch me. I don’t ever recall a man in my entire existence who treated me as anything other than a


    fuck. Sharing space meant my body was theirs to touch in any way they saw fit, and yet he has had me


    here for weeks and nothing has happened.


    Alexi looks pensive for a moment and sighs.


    ‘’Tonight wasn’t meant to happen that way—I apologise. I should have had more control of the situation


    and followed him sooner. I didn’t think he would have the balls to try and pull a stunt like that; he knows


    me well enough to be thankful his dick is still attached right now. I realised when I walked into the


    men’s and he wasn’t there … Contrary to what you might think of our arrangement I take care of my


    own, even if all you are to me is a business asset.’’ It is odd how the man in such few words can both


    make me feel better and worse in one go.


    I need to stop caring about anything he says or does because it’s just exhausting, and I shouldn’t put


    any hopes on being more than a possession. Even if it’s not a sexual one.


    ‘’Clearly.’’ I gesture around my abode, knowing fine well he didn’t have to give me somewhere to live


    when he took me on, and he’s paid me generously on top of that since I got here. I don’t have any


    needs that aren’t being met, except one.


    It still bites though that he did remind me that all I am to him is a business acquisition, it somehow


    smarts a little more than it should. Leaving an achy lump in my gut that won’t shift.


    ‘’I know I’m not an easy guy to talk to, but if you need me to listen I will.’’ Another moment of something


    else sparking through and I realise I don’t like these soft Alexi hints. That’s what’s throwing me off. I


    prefer the cold bastard who lets you know exactly where you stand and doesn’t care if you hate him for


    it. He doesn’t give a shit and I like the fact I know it and can just not give a shit either.


    This right here though, hints of caring or something … it’s making me uneasy and I start to get up to


    leave before this turns into a weird tear fest of touchy-feely. I don’t fancy sitting in a sharing circle and


    letting out our deepest, darkest feelings. I feel antsy and suspicious and I know I am running because


    quite frankly, this kind of shit scares me witless. I don’t like people prying or getting too cosy and cuddly


    with me, it makes me nervous and mistrustful. I am not one for all that ‘‘Kumbaya’’ round a campfire


    nonsense.


    ‘‘I don’t need a shrink or an ear to bend. I need sleep and some concealer to get through the day.


    Goodnight Carrero, or good morning, whatever.’’ The best thing will be to go to bed and cut this


    conversation right now. Leave him to his gin.


    ‘‘London?’’ He stops me as I wriggle off the couch without shing him any more than I have to. He


    doesn’t bother to avert his eyes though and I hate that fucking name. Irritation rising fast in my


    stomach. He uses it sporadically—I think probably just to annoy me and I turn on him moodily.


    ‘‘What?’’


    ‘’You can trust me … to an extent.’’


    He just looks strange. Like he is going for sincere but something does not quite sit right with me.


    HA FUCKING HA!


    I don’t know if that’s a joke or just irony. He’s thest person in the world I would trust with anything.


    Even I am not that dumb to believe Mr yer''s smooth tongue; he works and coerces people every


    day and this right here is just another game to him.


    I click as I realise the soft hints are really manipted drop attacks and suddenly it is alling into


    focus with amazing rity. He’s trying to get in and under my wall and I can’t believe I was so stupid I


    didn’t see it until this very moment, but now it’s crystal clear in one little sentence. He just yed me for


    information he couldn’t dig up by himself and I walked into it like a goddamn amateur. He said it


    himself. His man couldn’t dig up info on me beforeing to the USA and Carrero is a nosey fuck who


    needs to know everything about everything.


    That sneaky Arsehole.


    You get one Carrero … Not again.


    I feel so stupid that I almost fell for it. In fact, I DID fall for it.


    Arsehole.


    Utter Prick.


    Carrero is a devious snake, and he probably gives no more shits about tonight than he does about


    some random girl on the street going through the same ordeal. It’s all just a gamey and another


    level of how he operates. He wanted my little sad backstory and now he has it, and I am left furious that


    he would pull the gentle hero card while I am in a fragile state.


    If that’s the way you want to y, then two can y at the nice game. I’m going to be so goddamn


    adoring and puppy-eyed you are going to think I genuinely like you. See what I can extract from that


    stiff exterior and learn about you.


    If he thinks I am going to roll over and be manipted by him then he has another thinging.


    Let the war begin.


    Wanker!