Chapter 254


    “No, actually I’m currently looking toward a new career. One more fulfilling in which I can help children


    who have been abused; like I was.” I lift my chin proudly, meeting her eye ready to take on her


    response in a non-emotional way. I am at peace with how I am going to handle this.


    Her eyes ze over, and her eyebrow rises as she sighs, acting as though ‘little girl Emma’ is at it


    again, being over-dramatic, making herself out to be the poor defenseless, innocent child.


    She is no mother of mine. I can see it now. I’ll never call her my mom again; she’s never been


    deserving of the title. In the short time Sylvana has known me she’s been more of a mom to me than


    Jocelyn ever was.


    She’s pondering over how to respond, no doubt bringing memories of ourst meeting fresh to her


    mind, afraid that raging and violent Emma may strop out again. That tiny trigger of annoyance builds


    higher at her silent pause.


    Hold your temper, Emma, she’s not worth this. I swallow it down; just say the words and get it over and


    done with.


    “Oh,” she finally says, sounding disinterested, no reaction to what I said as though she’s already


    internally decided to dismiss it.


    I used to stupidly think my achievements would make her proud, that if I did something worthwhile with


    my life somehow, she’d love me. I ran to New York to be free of her, but I spent years allowing her in,


    still trying to please her from afar. Excelling in my work and trying to show her I was worthy. I did expect


    some sort of reaction about my chosen path or why, but I’m wrong. So very wrong. It’s not me who has


    to prove my worth anymore, it’s her, and honestly … She’s not worthy of my love and affection or my


    time.


    “We’re having a baby.” I state tly, not expecting the same type of response that Jake and I received


    from Sylvana. “You’re going to be a grandmother.” I add rather pointedly, to make a statement; to get


    everything out that I want her to know. I’ve lost all will for being here since this is going exactly how I


    should’ve known it would. She is too emotionally exhausting, and I don’t need to stay and take it


    anymore.


    A wave of love sweeps over me when I say it out loud, noticing the way my smilees out despite my


    irritation at her. It spreads across my face without any help from me; tadpole bringing me a sense of


    serenity from within. My hand instantly moves to cover my stomach gently, feeling its presence here


    with me gives me so much more strength. I focus on this tiny joy of my life and gain strength I need to


    finish this, letting it flood through me.


    “I see.” She nces at me and then back at her desk and my smile fades.


    Has she never felt the love for me that I now have for Tadpole?


    Is it something she’s ever possessed for me?


    “Is that all you have to say to me?” I ask dejectedly, suddenly tired, the anger that was bubbling seems


    to have given up on me and I find myself sighing instead. I can’t do this with her anymore. I don’t have


    the emotional energy to keep going through this scenario, repeatedly.


    How many times have I built myself up for something, anything from her and alwayse face-to-face


    with this reality? This deting reality … This nothingness.


    “Well, a baby isn’t something I ever thought you wanted. You’ve never been very maternal or shown


    any interest in children. It’s no pic being a mother, Emma, I hope you know what you’re letting


    yourself in for.” Her tone, one of seriousness, edged with ice. I blink at her in dumbfounded silence, my


    heart aching, “Is it because of the baby that he proposed?” She asks as an afterthought with a smug


    expression.


    “You never wanted me did you, Jocelyn?” I blurt out, more as a realization than an usation and she


    at least has the decency to let herposure falter, especially at my use of her first name. I don’t feel


    anything about it now that I see it, not a single drop of pain over the fact that she never wanted


    motherhood or the clinging arms of a child. All those years of keeping me at arms-length, no affection,


    no warmth, and no protection, alling together in clear rity atst.


    “I didn’t not want you, Emma, I just didn’t n on ever having a baby. I just wasn’t suited for


    motherhood, but I made the most of it.” There’s no apology in her tone at all, no trying to soothe my


    feelings or deliver an answer in a gentle way, but there never has been. She looks down at her desk


    moving a couple of files, avoiding my gaze.


    There are so many things I could say, so many usations I could throw at her, but they evade me.


    Instead there’s nothing but pity and a little sadness, all the fight and will to somehow make her see the


    way she’s scarred my life is gone. I have nothing, no inner need to do this and no fight left to push this


    anymore. I realize, with a vague sadness, that I don’t care anymore.


    I sigh and sit up, looking at her fully, willing eye contact.


    “You’re broken, Jocelyn. There’s something inside of you that doesn’t work and maybe never did. I’m


    sure there’s a reason that you’re built this way; a reason to why you’re drawn to men that hurt you.


    Maybe some of your past is so bad, like mine, you’ll never be able to tell me or maybe you don’t have


    the capability to be a mother of any kind … But I’m done.” I shake my head sadly, aware that she isn’t


    responding to me in any way.


    I stand slowly, my heart aching but no longer ripping in two, a pain that is bearable and will fade in time.


    She watches me with herrge wide eyes and says nothing, no emotion, no protest; just looks at me …


    emptily. The same way she always used to, yet this time it doesn’t feel the same way.This material belongs to N?velDrama.Org.


    “You’re not capable of being what I need, and I’ve spent enough of my life trying to get you to just love


    me. That’s not a child’s job … That should’ve never been my burden. Maybe you do love me, in your


    own way, but it’s not enough. I want my child to know love the way it’s supposed to be, and I could


    never inflict your sort of indifference, and inability to nurture, on my baby.” I move my chair back


    gathering myposure. “I’m walking away Jocelyn. I’m saying goodbye to the pain that you’ve always


    inflicted on my heart and the way you always made me feel like everything bad that happened in my life


    was my fault. Jake showed me how wrong that was.” I give her a moment to do or say anything, but I


    already know it won’t happen. She is sitting still and straight with that icy wall up and a nk


    expression on her face.


    “I love you, you’ll always be in my heart, but I don’t need or want you in my life anymore. I want this


    between us to end right here. So, if you have anything to say to me then, do it now.” I feel braver, my


    trembling hands and the aching pain inside of me are a sign that I care, that I always cared, and I can


    ept that. Because I do know how to love, and nurture and protect, and I’m never going to let myself


    be ashamed of knowing how. I am worthy of having a heart and giving a piece of it to those I love, but


    she doesn’t deserve my love anymore. She doesn’t deserve me in her life and the fact she hasn’t


    asked about my wedding or even congratted me on the baby says it all. I was never her focus in life,


    never any part of her world where it mattered.


    “I hope you’ll be very happy in your new life.” Her emotionless cold words seal her fate. Even if she


    knew any kind of warmth, she would’ve never allowed herself to show it. No emotion, no tears, and no


    attempt to try to change my mind. Her and my father are alike in so many ways, they used what they


    could from me until I was of no value anymore and then left me to find my way on my own; at least he’d


    been more honest about it.


    I was always the one to care for her, protect her and love her unconditionally; even before I was old


    enough to understand what she was taking from me. I gave my childhood away to please a woman


    who gave me nothing in return.


    “I know I will be … I’m sorry.” I turn to leave before I cry, because I know I’m going to and that’s okay


    too. I’ll grieve for a mother I never had; and I’ll make a space in my heart for a mother already working


    her way around it, epting the woman I am without any expectations. Mamma Carrero will give me


    what I’ve always yearned for and I’ll give her a grandchild that I know she will smother in real love. The


    only one losing anything is Jocelyn Anderson and she doesn’t even care.


    “I hope you find happiness, Mom. I hope you find your Jake because God knows you need him, just as


    much as I did. Everything that happened, everything I endured, none of it was my fault. I know it,


    without a shadow of a doubt, but I don’t need you to acknowledge it anymore, because I see it for


    myself and I ept it. I own my past because it brought me here to him…. I forgive you.” I smile sadly,


    the wave of tears rolling down my cheeks.


    She swallows hard, a tiny break in her wall, a flicker of something as she watches me, but it’s only a


    small drop of raw emotion in an ocean full of false affection. It’s the only reaction I’ll ever see. But it’s


    not enough and it’s far beyond toote now.


    “Goodbye.” I whisper, letting the tears fall, letting it hurt because this is what I need to do to let her go. I


    turn and leave and don’t look back. I don’t stop and I don’t feel regret. And she doesn’t stop me.


    My heart aches and I know I’ll probably grieve for her at some point, maybe sooner thanter but I


    need to do this for me, for my own happiness and my future with Jake. I need to do this for a child who


    will look to me to learn what love really is and I am doing this to make sure they’ll never know anything


    but real devotion, and a real mother who would die for them. A family who will shelter and protect them


    every step of the way.


    I’m lighter, walking down the stairs to the main hall, like a part of me has sprung wings and flown away.


    I feel like I’ve let something go, despite the tears streaming down my face and the ache in my heart.


    ire raises her head, acknowledging my return to the foyer at the bottom of the stairs, with a


    confused look at my emotional demeanor.


    “Hi again, Emma,” ire nches, concern etched on her face. There’s no reason to exin anything


    to her, she wouldn’t understand it anyway. I’m not the only one my mother puts false walls up against;


    pretending everything is okay when really it isn’t. I look at her and smile weakly.


    “Pregnancy hormones” I reply with a light smile, gently grazing the top of my small bump, highlighted


    by the sundress I decided to wear today. ire’s face suddenly beams with happiness.


    “Oh! Congrattions Emma!!” She swivels off her chair around her desk andes to give me a small


    hug; I reciprocate. She’s not my mother and having little tadpole seems to soften my heart long enough


    to let ire embrace me.


    “I thought there was a certain look about you!” She smiles, pulling out of the hug to look at me. “You


    look absolutely radiant. Motherhood obviously agrees with you already.” I can’t help but smile. She has


    more joy for my announcement than my own blood.


    “Thank you, ire.” She goes to sit back down but turns to face me as I head toward the door and my


    freedom from this ce and my mother.


    “We’ll see you soon then, Emma!” She calls out. I gaze back at her nkly, not daring to correct her


    assumption, and wave.


    “Goodbye, ire.” I smile faintly.