Chapter 202
“Where do you want to drive to?” His voice is softer, with being so close and his gaze is intent on my
mouth. I can tell how much he wants to kiss me, and it only makes the fear inside me lift higher. That
kiss invites her into my head, all the pain of what he did and I’m not ready to deal with that right now. I
turn away, so I’m not tempted and push my empty te aside. I look out across the open-n room
and sigh knowing that he’s reading every signal I’m giving off with apprehension, probably
overanalyzing every one. Being so near him has my head in chaos about what I want from him, blurring
the lines of how much touching I can bear to allow.
“I don’t know … just anywhere, somewhere pretty. Somewhere that’s not here.” I shrug. I don’t know
why I want him to drive me anywhere, maybe the motion of the car, and Jake being the one in control
somehow makes it feel better. It means I can take a time out from life while he focuses on the road and
maybe we can just listen to music and not talk.
I don’t want to talk. I’m scared that if I start talking
about everything, about her and the baby, if she still
means anything to him and our life, then it will alle crashing painfully in on me like a fragile tower
of cards. Today I want quiet and calm and to be with him. The past few days have taken a toll and this
little respite is like a breath of warm air in the frost. I want a time out and nowhere in the rules of
whatever this is does it say that I can’t have that.
“Okay … Your wish is mymand beautiful. Do you need me to take you to Queens for clothes first?”
His fake jovial tone makes me falter and I hate that it’s not genuine; that we’re hurting each other this
way. I inhale, heavily, trying to get at least one breath that doesn’teced with pain.
“Later. I’ll just keep on the clothes you brought me yesterday seeing as all I’ve done is sleep.” I can’t
exin the weird way I feel, but all I want right now is to get out, go somewhere where no one knows
us, where I don’t need to exin anything to anyone. Sarah would ask questions, but I need reflection
and silence and maybe him.
Okay, definitely him.
I’m still tired and despite eating I’m a little lightheaded. All the recent emotional turmoil,ck of food and
sleep has taken its toll on me and now it’s ying catch up.
“Can we go now?” the apartment closing in on me and restlessness is kicking in. If I keep sitting here,
near him, like this, I’ll want to kiss him, and kissing would lead to touching. Then I’d want him all over
me, inside of me and I’m not ready to take that step just yet. I don’t know if I ever will be, it’s too
confusing with him being close enough to inhale.
“Sure, go get ready. Which car do you want to take?” He slides his mug beside his empty te, and I
sigh, pushing myself up from the bar stool.
“The Bat-mobile.” I smile shyly at him, knowing a ride in his pride and joy will make him happy and right
now I want to hear it genuinely in his voice, and not just y pretend.
“Lucky for you I keep it downstairs.” He grins merrily at the mention of his toy and slides out of his own
chair; stooping down to kiss me behind the ear, thoughtlessly, before picking up his phone and walking
toward the bedroom. I falter at his touch but take a deep steadying breath.
Make a choice; either he’s allowed to touch you and throw affection your way or he’s not. You’re only
confusing him and yourself by not deciding whether he can or not.
I swallow down the ball of emotion rising in my throat and head toward the bedroom to get dressed.
I just don’t know okay!
* * *
Less than half an hourter we’re heading out of the city onto calmer scenery. Jake suggested driving
to Long Ind, over an hour away, and maybe stopping somewhere to
walk and take in the beautiful surroundings. He’s packed a couple of warm jackets, and a hat for me,
and looked up some quiet spots for lunch for when we get there. He’s being romantic and thoughtful
Jake, trying to show me how much I mean to him.
The car is stiflingly hot, even though the weather is mild, and his air con is blowing gently, and a slow
heat is creeping up my spine. I wonder if maybe the way I’ve been feeling is a sign I’m getting sick.
Yes, that’s really what I need right now on top of everything else.
I’m exhausted, even though I slept a lotst night, this fatigue can’t be from the emotional insomnia I’ve
suffered from for the past week. Right now, here with Jake, listening to quiet country music as we pass
through the city, I feel anything but emotional, yet my body ispletely out of whack. I’m tired and
sensitive. The nausea from my hangover lingering, despite sleeping for almost an entire day and night
so I crack the window a little for air.
“You okay, bambino?” Jake’s voice cuts through my inner dialog and I nce at him, quietly. “You look
a little pale suddenly.” He lifts his fingers to my cheek, and frowns. “You feel warm too.” He looks
around, veering the car into a side street and pulls over before he leans across further to feel my face
properly. The touch of his hands on my skin sends out another brain filled bout of arguing voices that
I’ve zero energy to contend with.
Fine, he can touch me … End of!
“I think I’m getting sick. I’ve definitely been feeling off colortely.” I admit, resting my forehead against
his
palm instinctively. The inner voices seem to have
shut up now that I’ve given consent for him to touch me.
“I don’t think a trip to Long Ind is the answer, Emma. I’m taking you home and you’re going to bed.”
He has the serious don’t arguemanding tone in his voice that for once I’ve no desire to argue
against. My bile has risen, slowly, since getting into the car and right now I have an overwhelming urge
to gag.
“I’m not that sick, Jake, it’s just remnants of my hangover and this past week.” I try for a smile but
without warning the nausea rises out of me and I jack the car door open just in time to get my head out
before I throw up.
“Jesus. Emma!” Jake lets go of me and within seconds appears at the outside of the car pulling me
away from the contents of my stomach, to a nearby step and sitting me down. I rest my head between
my knees before turning away in panic as I throw up again into nearby bushes; retching in pain as I
lose the only things I’ve eaten over the past two days. This time Jake holds back my hair and bnces
my shoulder keeping me steady.
“Can you sit up?” He pulls me back against him and doesn’t let go until I nod. “I have water in the car.”
He jumps up, dashing to the open doors of the car and back again in a sh. He takes up his position
behind me, bringing the bottle to my hands and I lean against him sipping the burning taste of vomit
away from my mouth. My head is swimming as the nausea subsides and suddenly, I feel weak and
tired.
“I’ve never seen you ill … You’re worrying me, miele. I think we need to get you home and looked at.”
He sounds concerned, with a hint of panic to his voice. He holds me to him, with his palm on my
forehead, giving me more reasons for taking a chance on him and getting this, between us, to work.
He’s taking care of me, just like he always does.
I love you so much.
“It’s just a bug, or something I’ve eaten. I’ll be okay. I’m starting to feel a little better now.” I try for a
convincing smile, tilting my face toward him, but his face only hardens some more. I feel fragile and my
voice is exposing my little white lie. He doesn’t like what he sees, and I know it’s futile to hide this from
him.
“You’re so white and you’re trembling. We’re going home.” He scoops me up onto hisp, closing his
legs beneath me, holding me close. “If it’s nothing then it won’t do any harm having a doctor look at
you, will it?” He rests my head against his neck holding me in.
“If it makes you happier but I can promise you, this is nothing.” I’m too tired to argue with him and too
faint to care. I’m not even protesting when he lifts me up and carries me to the car, sliding me in to
avoid the puddle I left beside the door. He clips my belt over me and closes the door down before
getting into the other side and starting up.
“Home and bed,” hemands, reversing out, resting a hand on my cheek one more time, testing my
temperature to see if I’m hot. Iy my head into him for a moment before pulling away as the emotional
confusion hits home again.
Maybe touching isn’t such a good idea.
Ccontent ? exclusive by N?/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.
“Yes, sir,” I say, closing my eyes and resting my head back against the seat. If I block out the motion
and try to rx, I’m sure I can keep the nausea at bay until we’re back at the apartment. It isn’t that
far.