Chapter 185


    “Emma … I want you to know how much I love you … I mean really love you … There’s no one else in


    this world for me. I need you …” He gets up and paces around for a moment, making me feel sick with


    worry but relieved that this isn’t a breakup speech. Hees back to his previous position and


    swallows hard. “Last night, when I thought you’d done something, after the talk about not wanting to


    marry me and pretty much breaking up … It fucked me up in the head.” His eyes are focused on my


    hands and I can see they are filled with unshed tears; he can’t look at me. “None of this changes how I


    feel about you … I need you to know that I still love you every bit as much as I did, I still want the same


    things with you, and I acted like aplete fucking idiot at the airport … I believe you when you text


    me that nothing happened. I wish I had the sense to realize itst night, but I was so drunk and jealous,


    and I wasn’t rational … bambino I was so goddamn distraught.” He lifts my hands to his mouth rubbing


    my knuckles against his face, his stubble scratching at me achingly and kissing them lightly. I hold my


    breath. Closing his eyes for a moment, savoring my touch, my smell as though they are to be hisst.


    My inner trembles begin to shake my whole body, my breath held. “I did something really stupid, miele


    … …” His words instantly send a heavy dread inside of me, pulsing out through every limb, an ache in


    my chest so strong I think my heart is going to give out. I can’t do anything except sit like stone, eyes


    wide and frozen and wait, wait for whatever it is he needs to tell me with the growing trepidation that


    this could change everything.


    “What?” It’s so strained I don’t recognize my own voice, the question impulsive at the agony of what’s


    coming out of his mouth. I’m paralyzed in fear, knowing only this man has the power to truly destroy


    me.


    “I was beyond drunk, Emma … Seriously fucked up … Upset … Not thinking straight.” He tightens his


    hold on me as though the words are painful, and he’s scared I’ll run. I’m terrified, my mind racing at a


    hundred miles an hour with growing dread.


    What has he done? Why is he being this way?


    “Tell me.” I beg, desperate to end this torture, tears already finding a path down my cheeks as if some


    part of me already knows what’s happened and is mourning in advance.


    “I kissed someone.” The shame of those uttered words makes him drop his head in disgust. My hands


    shoot out of his, scolded in reaction, my body darting back as though he’s hit me with an electric volt.


    My heart sears with pain and a blinding ache through my head. I gasp and try to catch my breath but


    only a sobes out.


    He looks up, panic in his eyes yet stays still, he’s prepared himself for my reaction. This is why he sat


    so close, so I’m hemmed in, even if I try to pull away. I can’t run without pushing him away and he


    knows I don’t have the physical strength, he thought about this first.


    God knows how long he’s yed this over in his head in thest few hours.


    “What?” I cry in shock when I can find the words. “What do you mean?” I can’tprehend this, I don’t


    want it to be true, for those painful words to being from my Jake’s mouth. Killing me and I’m


    bleeding from every pore.


    My Jake the one I trust, my security … My heart. My betrayer.


    Ccontent ? exclusive by N?/vel(D)ra/ma.Org.


    “Someone who was at the club. She wasn’t there with us, someone we know. Just a coincidence she


    was even in town at all. I kissed her. I guess I wanted tosh out, so sure we were done.” His eyes


    come to mine, keeping his hands steady on hisp, he knows not to touch me. He can see I’m perched


    ready to react, only held still by my shock. Unable to make any part of my brain function beyond the


    pain of what he’s said. The world spinning around me.


    My body goes before my mind does, I gag, as though to vomit grasping my mouth with both palms and


    then break down, the racking sounds of sobbing and the dissolving of my posture. The wrenching pain


    of someone ripping your very soul from within. His face crumbles and he reaches for me but I p him


    away, hard, shoving his chest in anger.


    I don’t know what to do … What to think, what to say; the pain is so unbearable, unlike anything I’ve


    ever experienced in my life.


    “Why? … How could you, Jake? … Who?” I can’t breathe but my voice is screeching out. I can’t think


    straight; my heart is being shredded out through my stomach and I’mshing out in teen Emma mode.


    He tries to restrain me, but I battle him off until he stops. Unable to let him touch me. I think I may fall


    down and pass out. I think I may die.


    Oh, my god this may actually kill me.


    “I’m sorry. Baby. I’m sorry … I didn’t think about what I was doing, I just wanted tosh out … I was


    drunk and stupid, I’m an idiot … I fucked-up so badly … When I turned on my cell and got your


    messages, Emma … I died.” His cheeks are wet with moisture, his voice low and shameful, his


    expression reflecting the agony of what he’s telling me. I don’t doubt that he regrets it but he’s killing


    me inside. This pain unbearable, I can’t begin to think about what he’s done to us, it destroys


    everything. It takes all that we are and sets it alight, reducing it to nothing but ashes.


    “Who?” I say again robotically, it’s the only detail I can focus on right now. I don’t know why it matters


    but something inside of me says it matters a lot … I need to know.


    What if it’s Le? I trust Le, I love her as a sister, and she’s meant to be in France; it would fit. The


    pain of both betraying me that way would end me. A final, fatal blow.


    He hesitates and looks away, standing to tower over me, his hands shaking as violently as mine. He’s


    putting distance between us because he knows his next confession is going to be just as bad. I can tell,


    I can feel it. He shoves his hands in his pockets and stares at the floor between us. His distance makes


    me afraid; he thinks I’m going to freak out,sh out again. He’s getting ready to move out of the firing


    line.


    Oh, my god! He’s going to tell me it’s Le, he’s going to turn the knife and make it hurt more if that is


    even possible. He’s going to kill me with his words, and I’ll die right here on the couch.


    “Who?” I press again firmly, my heart ceases to beat, my breath held, still sitting with my hands sped


    so tightly my nails draw blood from my own palms, body rigid awaiting the blow.


    He takes a long slow deep breath, locks eyes with me, where there’s fear and regret and tears. The


    look of a man who has just lost everything and doesn’t know what else to do. I know that no matter


    what he tells me the damage is already done and this is just adding salt to the wound.


    How can I ever trust him again?


    He swallows, as though preparing himself for the worst moment of his life and breathes the name


    slowly.


    “Marissa.”


    END OF BOOK 2


    Book 3 follows right on