Route 078
I was driving home, there was a bit of rain and I had my radio on low.
My girlfriend kicked me out after a fight, she was yelling at me due to something...
I wasn''t paying attention.
It was a new moon tonight somewhere behind the clouds and no one else was on the roads. it was too late for anyone sane to be out
It was my fault I know it was, I''m not that bad I don''t think
Just i don''t understand how to stop
I know that''s a me issue…
I really should just go to therapy like she keeps bugging me to do
I don''t think I can handle losing her. She makes me so happy… yet when the day unwinds and we are just quietly living
I just can''t be what she deserves it feels like I lose control and cause so many different issues
She did right in kicking me out i don''t deserve her at all
I don''t deserve anything I have…
The rain was starting to pick up going from a drizzle to a little worse
My radio was playing some Lofi song or something at the lowest volume
It was a nice night for something like this
I pull off into some random parking lot and park the lot’s lights are off and I turn off the headlights
It was a beautiful night despite the rain you could still see some of the night sky
And all the lights get turned off at night so I was able to see some stars
I wish she were here with me
She would love this dark and peaceful night not bitingly cold but still cool
I just sit there
The rain falling
The radio playing some piano melody in the background
And I just think
She is truly the best thing to happen to me
She helped me when I needed it
Helping me out of an abusive relationship
Helping me find a job
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Listening to me rant about my favorite movies
Making me feel loved
Until I couldn''t contain it and I had to ask her out
I was so scared. She is beautiful, loving, and kind
Hell I didn''t even know if she was queer
Yet I asked and she said yes
She decided to take me on a date right there and then
And we were perfect for a while
Then I started to...
Be like I am again
I never hit her or anything but that doesn''t mean I was what she deserved
At first, I just made little comments that I didn''t even notice
She was so perfect yet I didn’t know how to treat her right
She is an amazing cook... yet I''ve never put in the effort to cook for her
Whenever we had to plan a date she had to bring it up
I do not deserve her at all
The rain started to quiet down again
As the clouds passed the moon the night sky was almost as beautiful as she is to me
Why can''t I be good for her
I know it can never happen
I can never be good enough for a girl like her
Im broken
Abandoned and…
I''m scared
I don''t even know what I''m scared of
I don''t even know why I parked i should have just kept driving back home
I turn the headlights back on and start to pull out back on the road
The quiet music
The traffic lights stop me as I leave her town and make my way back to my shit-poor town
My town used to be a coal mining town and now it is just a few rundown buildings and a cheap apartment
I should at least say sorry to her
I should''ve at least done that for her even if I did not mean it yet
But it is too late now
She said she doesn''t want to talk to me
Whats what she said when she kicked me out
Not to call text or do anything before she does
I don’t want to lose her
But I never deserved her
As I pull into my apartment parking I just shut the car down and sit
The radio still playing quietly
The rain was still calmly falling
And I''m still not worth it
I''m not worth anything
Not the job I only got due to her sticking her neck out for me
Not the apartment I only got due to her help
Not the car she spent a month helping me fix because she wanted to
Not the name she helped me pick
She is my first true love
The first woman I had the strength to ask
The first to help me when my ex-boyfriend hit me
The first to care about me
She is my everything
And I’m nothing
Nothing but someone hurting her in all the worst ways
I betray her trust I don''t do enough and it''s not fair
I take the keys out of the ignition of my car and start to make my way into my apartment
The door unlocks with a click and I head inside locking the door as I go and lie down on the couch
For the first time since I left my girlfriends, I grab my phone
I know I got at least 2 texts and
Now I''m scared to look at what they were
I just lay there for a while
The rain hitting my balcony window
I open my phone
And I truly don''t deserve her
I wish she would just get ride of me like the trash I am
Yet she texted me this
“I''m sorry I kicked you out”
“It''s just hard when you shut down like that i know we talked about it a bit before... just when you get home text me”
"I love you"
At that, I finally started to cry
My emotions finally hit me
Not the numb emptiness I was feeling but the full weight of what I put her through
“I''m home safe…
I''m sorry for everything”
With that, I close my phone
I lay there for what felt like hours the rain got worse again
Now a downpour
But I''m not driving anymore