Chapter 24: I Don''t Know


    That quietens me into submission, and I don''t fight him. Colton leads the way, grasping my hand and


    tugs me with him through the hall. It''s busy, filled with Santosing and going from the mess hall, in


    all states of sports attire as training started today, and everyone seems to either be rushing about or


    completely immobile in groups, chatting. There''s a sense of confusion with some, urgency with others,


    and a holiday vibe with a more. I guess some don''t realize the seriousness of why everything has


    changed, and some are overwhelmed with anxiety and rushing around doing whatever they''re told with


    prompt action. It''s chaotic, and overwhelming, and I close down and allow him to lead me through.


    Colton takes me away from the swarm of moving groups and heads towards the corridor to the


    communal room on this floor. He walks fast and I fall in step obediently. It only takes a silent minute to


    turn into the passage and head down towards the room where everything seems strangely hushed.


    As soon as he hits the digits on the keypad, the door clicks open and the lights flicker on. I blink at the


    change from dull to bright and follow him inside quietly, waiting for him to move me in and shut the


    door. He locks it behind us, and it only adds to the tension rising inside of me that he clearly doesn''t


    want anyone else to eavesdrop.


    He motions for me to sit, his manner different, Mr. serious on show in the form of themander that


    came herest night and heads to the bar. He pulls it open and grabs two sodas for us beforeing


    back and choosing to sit on the floor in front of my armchair. He hands me a can once he opens it for


    me, and opens his own, taking a long drink before saying anything. I can tell he''s dying this,


    regainingposure, or turning something over in his mind and I wait, patiently. Perched in the seat a


    little stiffer than I should be, cradling my drink between my hands.


    It''s something he thinks I should know, so I''m not going to hurry him. Trying to scan my memories in the


    long pause between us, but it''s such a jumble when ites to his mother, of snips and bits of


    conversations, that I don''t get a clear understanding of where she is. It''s been something I noticed but I


    assumed it held no real importance in the grand scheme of things.


    "She''s not here." He points out nkly as though reading my thoughts, after a moment of staring at his


    own can. I don''t recognize his raw, raspy voice, and the strangled way the wordse out, telling me


    this is more painful than he can bear. "I haven''t seen her for nine years."


    It''s not the answer I expected, and I gawp, heart skipping a beat, my eyes widening with surprise and I


    have no words at all. Head trying to pull that together and wondering if I missed some sort of public


    announcement that the Santo Luna had left the mountain that long ago, I mean, I was still a kid. This


    was something the people had a right to know. I just didn''t realize it had been that long, almost a


    decade without our Luna.


    "She''s in a…. ce, sort of... care home, I guess. A medical facility. Has been since a few weeks after


    they came home from the war." He leans forward so his gaze is more heavily focused on the floor, yet I


    catch the glow of amber before he tilts away, enough that I can only see the top of his head. His


    emotions spiraling out and consuming me as I feed on his despair. My stomach clenches with it.


    "Why?" I can sense his distancing emotionally, in a bid to stop me feeling his pain, cutting off to save


    me, and I can tell it''s because this causes him a mass amount of it. I still get a huge wave of grief,


    regardless, not too dissimr to how I felt when my parents never returned. He isn''t pushing me away


    because he''s ashamed, this is something that rips him up inside and he''s aware he can''t control the


    intensity.


    "Her mind''s broken. My mom never came home as the person she left. She isn''t who she was, and my


    father said it''s because she wasn''t strong enough to endure the horrors of the war. That it was too


    much, and she faded away. She doesn''t talk, or move, or do anything anymore. He said she stares into


    nothing and it''s like her body lives on, but her soul''s gone." He chokes on the words, his eyes zing


    over, and it slices my stomach in response.


    It winds me, my insides clenching up with the gravity of what he said, and I stay sat in mute silence


    staring at him, trying to get my head around that. Figuring out what I''m meant to say to that. Mental


    illness in wolves is rare, considering we can magically heal everything inside of us when we turn, even


    our brains.


    "He sent her away… my own mom, his own mate. Cast her aside because her condition could hurt the


    pack. Show how weak she was, and unworthy as a Luna, and cause them to doubt hismand. He


    won''t tell me where she is because he knows I would go to her and he doesn''t want me to. He says it


    would scar me. That it would crush me." Colton stares at the can in his hand, exhaling heavily as he


    detes and seems so lost and young in this moment. A little boy pining for the mother he can never


    see.


    It''s starting to click in ce, even if Colton doesn''t see it himself. He doesn''t realize the link between


    him rejecting me for not being what the pack needs, and the fact his mom fell at the same hurdle.


    Maybe in his head it''s messy and all jumbled up and he doesn''t really see it, but I do. It''s not just his


    father''smand holding him back, it''s a deep-rooted fear that maybe I wouldn''t be able to handle


    things either. I''ve never heard of wolves breaking down this way and I can''t even imagine what she


    must have seen to end up a shell of a person who abandoned all she loved. Locked in her own mind,


    silently, and eternally adrift.


    The Luna, she''s meant to be the gentle touch of her people. Her focus is on the young and vulnerable,


    while her alpha mate is the strength and protection of the many. Our Luna is not here, and for ten years


    her weakest have suffered under hismand. Her absence the sole reason of my kind were pushed


    aside and forgotten. She would never have allowed the orphans to be cast out; it''s the job of a Luna, to


    maternally protect the young, the innocent, the unloved. It all makes so much more sense now.


    Juan''s focus is all about keeping the pack powerful and promoting unity among the strongest. He isn''t


    interested in the weak and condemned them to the dark side, so he didn''t have to take on his mate''s


    role and care for them. He even sent his own away because she failed to fit his expectations, that''s


    how power hungry he is.


    No wonder Juan has be so much colder and crueler. His softer voice of reason, who could sway


    with her bond to him, has been gone for years and offers no conflict to the decisions he makes. Only a


    mate is truly allowed to argue, sway, dispute openly, or try and reason with an alpha, without real


    bacsh or punishment. He rules with aggression now, and logic, and has no tender care for anyone


    who isn''t worthy. Her warm eye on her people is missing, and her heart in their wellbeing, it''s why so


    many of us were pushed out.


    "He didn''t even let me say goodbye… he said it was for the best. Just had her moved and didn''t tell me


    until she was gone. I feel like he''s ashamed of her for being weak." Colton''s voice croaks a little, his


    emotions pushing through despite him trying to shield them, and it pains me to feel that kind of broken


    anguish. He was her only child, and from what I can feel, they loved one another deeply, as a mother


    and son should. It''s an almost unbearable pain as it swarms me, but I can rte. I knew this pain and


    have grieved with the same intensity. It''s the mourning of a parent''s death, even if he hasn''t lost her to


    the underworld.


    "And that''s why he hates me, because he thinks I''m the same." I point out, watching for the reaction on


    his face, his eyes still glowing amber as he stares at the floor over his crossed legs, unable to look me


    in the eye when caught in despair. I think Colton is ashamed of being so broken by this, another pointer


    of Juan''s parenting skill. Colton has beencking a mother''s touch for half his life. The most important


    years while he was forming. The one who should''ve nurtured and softened him after he was forced into


    battles as a child, taught him not to blindly follow his father in the way he does, and instilled the


    strength to be his own alpha. That was the Luna''s job as his mother. He''s been at his father''s mercy for


    years, baring down on him, and conditioning his outlook without restraint, it''s any wonder Colton''s as


    caring as he is and not more like Juan. Teaching him the cruelest of lessons about loyalty and


    compassion to your mate, and the unimportance of love.


    He discarded her as weak and put her somewhere to rot, because he was shamed by her inability to


    handle what was thrown at her. He chose the good of the pack, over the mate he was destined to care


    for. No wonder Colton is screwed up. His role model, and moral guide, taught him that love is


    secondary to duty and his heart has no value in what his decisions should be. It taught him that to love


    is not enough, that to imprint is not an excuse, that the pack must always be the priority even if it goes


    against his own needs.


    "He just wants to protect me from the heartache he''s endured. A mate in bond who still gues his


    mind, but it''s like she''s dead. I don''t think he goes to wherever she is anymore as he hasn''t left this


    ce for more than five years." He shrugs with one shoulder, ncing to the side of us as a tear rolls


    down his cheek and I can tell he feels awkward at showing that kind of softness, probably hearing his


    father in his head, sneering and scolding him for it. Wolves are macho and men they try not to cry


    much. Juan probably chastises him for any kind ofpassion, empathy, or show of care in this way.


    Impulsively I slide from my chair and mirror his pose on the floor in front of him, so our knees touch and


    we sit face to face. My hand sliding to cover his thigh, and I lean in, heart exploding with the need to


    console him. My own mind racing with many thoughts and reasons and exnations and seeing not a


    strong dominant alpha before me, but a scared young boy who wants to let go of the choices that are


    too hard for him to make on his own. In so many ways, he''s still that eight-year-old kid who went from


    joyous ceremonial turning, to battle worn warrior in the space of a year.


    "I''m not her. This isn''t about us." I point out, knowing that somewhere deep inside he has those doubts.


    He saw my giftsing through, he''s started to really know me, and I hope he can see that as


    vulnerable as I may appear, there''s a strength in me. The vampire attack it hurt me, left my heart


    weeping for those I''ve lost, left me with horrible dreams and a fear of the dark shadows, but it didn''t


    crush me. Neither did the loss of all I held dear when I was only eight years old.


    He needs to know that this situation might have apletely different oue to his mom''s and that


    what happened to her, is so rare, I never knew it could before he told me.


    "It doesn''t matter what I think. If I believe you''re stronger than her or not. He thinks I''m blinded by the


    bond and he doesn''t trust my judgement. How can I know if he''s right or wrong, when I''m so inanely in


    need of you it pushes logic out no matter how I reason? He''s right in the fact that our people need a


    future leader with a strong Luna by his side, but he can''t ept that you''re her. And I don''t think my


    heads clear enough to know without my heart always changing it."


    I get the full whack of his confusion and despair as he lets go of the floodgates he''s been holding back,


    and I''m swamped instantly with the chaos that''s been living inside of him since that night. It''s


    overwhelming, and I am drowned with the urge to sob, tear my heart out, wail, kick someone and


    scream all at the same time. I have to cling on, like I''m on a rickety raft on a turbulent sea as his


    emotions devour me and almost snap me mentally with the force of such chaos. I breathe through the


    surge, until it settles inside of me and calms enough to reel my thoughts and breathing into calmer


    waves. Rationale pulling my brain to him.


    "Tell me honestly…. Deep down in your gut, your instinct, without questioning it, just impulsively


    answer; do you think I''m capable of being that Luna?"


    I need to know his true feelings without his foggy mess coloring it. Need to understand what our future


    really holds. If he really believes I''ll be wrong for his people, deep in his heart, then I know, no amount


    of time together, kissing, or even sex, will sway him from doing what''s right. His father''s a voice in his


    head and his mom is a shining example of the result if he chooses wrongly. His people matter more


    than I ever gave him credit for, and his head is full of the vampire wars that are going to start all over


    again. If he does believe in us, then I can''t let him stray down this path without a fight.


    He''s afraid of having me, only to lose me to a broken mind when our world''s turned upside down, or


    maybe even death, which ends us both. His father''s filling his head with all of this doubt and it''s all so


    very clear now why he''s struggling with what he should do.


    There''s a part of him who''s strong enough to defy his father if he chose to, I was wrong about that, I


    see that now. He swayed him over the vigers and theiring here under force.


    It''s Colton''s own insecurity over whether he can put his feelings aside and make a right choice, not just


    for his people, but for us, that''s screwing him up. He''s terrified of what might happen to me if he puts


    me in a ce that his mom was, carrying the burden of many, riding into battle ahead of the hordes,


    and expecting me to mentally hold myself, and them, together as a Luna should. He''s overthinking all


    the possibilities, with many others whispering in his ear. The men who are wiser, older, powerful in our


    midst. This is way moreplex and it all feels so hopeless. It''s not just about a wolf deciding on a


    mate… it''s so much more hanging in the bnce. He''s our future, where all eyesy to lead us when


    Juan no longer does.


    From N?velDrama.Org.


    "I''m not going to lie… I don''t know." He flinches as the words spill out, screwing up his face and


    hunching down in disappointment at his own inability to even answer that without confusion.


    I can''t even be mad at that, because I''ve no idea what''sing with this war, or what his mom went


    through ten years ago, but he does. He fought on ournds as a warrior, defended us from smaller


    invasions, as an adult should even though he was only a child. He''s seen the reality of what''sing


    and still bears the scars.


    I think I have the strength and courage to deal with it, but maybe I''m just a child with a stubborn head,


    and a foolish heart, who thinks the fates would never steer her wrong. Maybe I''m the delusional one,


    grasping at hopes and being ridiculous. I have no words and my hand slides back into myp with the


    weight of realization punching me in the gut. Screwing me up emotionally, mentally, and physically.


    "Now do you understand? …. Love, it''s not the issue. I''m yours, heart and soul, every beat just for you."


    Colton reaches for my hand, enveloping mine in his, but failing to warm the icy cold seeping through


    me with his touch. A sad desperation in the air as I nod hopelessly, epting the real truth as it


    stretches endlessly between us, like a gulf we can never cross. Head filled with so much, and yet my


    heart empty, deste, as numb overtakes me to save me from the pain it can''t deal with.


    There isn''t an answer to this, a way out, a ray of hope in the dark. The fates, they should never have let


    any of this happen to either of us. I love him, but I''m not enough.