Chapter 195


    Sinir


    When I arrive in the dream forest, I’m alone – as I have been almost every night since I left.


    However, rather than calling for my mate as I usually do, by picturing her in my mind and willing her to


    come to me with the sheer force of my longing and determination, I send my power outward. I unleash


    the full force of my magic, spreading it as far and wide as I can, searching every inch of this enchanted


    ne of existence. It rolls off of me like a dense fog, ebbing past the limits of my own consciousness to


    delve through the mating bond and track E.


    Dreams are strange this way: both closer to and more distant from reality, so that our souls can join


    when the Goddess’s power is at its peak, even as doors to fantastical and surreal worlds swing wide. I


    don’t know where my mate is, but as long as she is also in the realm of dreams, I know I can find her.


    It isn’t easy. It takes what feels like hours to finally sense her presence, to detect her heartbeat across


    the vast expanse of ethereal worlds. Finally I find her, though she is very, very far away. To reach her I


    must travel through dozens of different dreams: some my own, some E’s, Some abination of


    both. It’s hard not to pause and get distracted, especially when Ie across a shared imagination of


    us ying with our young son, ol the depiction of peace in the united packs and our future on the


    throne. I’d like to stay in those fantasies forever, but to do so would be to abandon E in her time of


    need.


    I also struggle when Ie across a sensual vision of E and I roleying as little red riding hood


    and the big bad wolf, especially when I realize the dream is hers. Still I forge on, though I certainly


    make note of the idea for the future.


    There are odd things too, like the giant frog telling fortunes for a call-in psychic hotline, or the pirate


    ship full of ballet-dancing vegetables. Others simply make me smile, like E’s craving-driven fantasy of


    a real-life candynd, or my own childhood wish of riding a dragon as it flies through the air on great


    leathery wings.


    Eventually I move through every variation of happy and bizarre dreams, until the sky darkens overhead


    and the road I’m traveling bes harsh and cold. I know I’m entering the realm of nightmares now,


    and I brace myself for the horrors ahead. I ignore the haunting visions that tormented me as a child –


    the fire that k!lled my mother, the monsters hiding in my closet. I even manage to move past E’s


    youthful terrors – things that would absolutely destroy me if I had to see them for myself.


    Her heartbeat and scent dràw me deeper and deeper into the darkness, until I can feel her just around


    the next bend in the path. I expect to find my mate at the mercy of the priests who bound her wolf, but


    suddenly I find myself in a forest I know all too well – the one where I spent the best days of my


    childhood. Only this time it’s not weing and magical, but a vile ce full of terror and pain. When


    my mate finallyes into view, she is not a small girl wrapped in a fiery cocoon. Instead I see a half-


    starved teenager, injured and dirty, but fighting for her life as two human men bear down on her.


    My wolf roars in my ears, and my vision goes red.


    E


    I’m back in the forest.. wolves howling in the distance… pounding footsteps hot on my heels.


    Falling, tumbling… crashing into the earth over and over again.


    It’s happening all over again, the panting breath, the sickening smiles. “Now look at what you’ve done,


    you stupid girl.”


    Two robed figures in the darkness, illuminated in a shaft of moonlight between the trees. Searing pain


    across my cheek… the horrible kn0wledge that there is no escape from this vition.


    Sickness… my body being dragged. a glint of silver in the leaves. My legs being wrenched apart and


    my clothes ripping… blind, thoughtless anger, aggression like I’ve never felt. Blood gushing over me,


    hot, sticky and metallic. It stains my skin, forever marking me like a grey tattoo, a reminder of what I’ve


    done.


    Murderer… I’m a murderer… and the priests are still just watching. I try to swing the knife again, only


    this time my hand is empty. The dagger is gone. I scour the ground for my weapon, but it’s gone. I look


    toward the priests as the second man bears down on me. “The knife!” I shout frantically. “


    Where did it go!?”


    This isn’t right. In my memory I k!lled them both..I saved myself despite the cost of violence. The


    priests stay silent, and now the other man is forcing his way between my legs. No! Not this.. not after


    everything that’s already happened. “Please, help me!” I scream, giving up any sense of pride, any


    b.ravery. “Please, don’t let him do this!”


    A fist ms into my face, “I’m going to make you pay for this, b!tch.” My attacker snarls, gesturing to his


    dead friend.


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    “No – please!” I cry, “it wasn’t supposed to happen this way, you should be dead.”


    “Well now you get to die.” His facees into focus over mine, and I can see the pure, sadistic hatred


    in his eyes. His fingers dig into my flesh, holding me still as he unbuckles his belt. Heshes the leather


    across my face as ites free, then uses it to gag me, silencing my screams.


    “E!” A voice I’ve never heard… not yet at least. It’s deep and wonderful and fills me with warmth,


    completely out of ce in this horrible ce. And then there’s a great ck wolf running towards me


    through the trees, and I understand. My attacker barely has time to turn before Sinir mps his


    fangs around his throat, ripping his spinal cord from his neck and tossing him aside. He shoves the


    dead man out of the way, and then he’s a man again, dropping onto his knees in front of me.


    Sinir takes my face in his hands, “I’m here, E.


    You’re okay.”


    “D-Domìnic?” I gasp, clinging to him with desperate relief. “Is it really you?”


    “Yes, little one” He confirms, though his eyes look past me, to the robed figures in the distance. “It’s me.


    You’re safe”


    “How did you find me?” I squeak, still in the hoarse voice of my younger self.


    “Im your mate. Il always find you, remember?”


    Sinir croons.


    He scoops me up into his arms and carries me back the way he came. As we move through the


    dreand, the horrible forest of my nightmare slowly transforms. Gone is the bl00d and horror, the


    unweing darkness that tormented me so terribly. It’s gradually reced by the glittering woond


    of our dream dates, and I feel myself changing too. No longer an injured, frightened little girl, but the


    woman I am today. I don’t know how long it takes, but Sinir carries me all the way to our dream bed


    and climbs on, pulling me into hisp, “There now. I’ve got you, baby. It’s Over.


    I can’t believe this. I didn’t really believe Sinir could follow me through dreams, let alone understand


    how such a thing was possible. But that doesn’t matter now. The moment I feel his muscr arms


    around me, breathe in his scent, and feel the rumble of his purrs, I unravel. I copse against him and


    pour out all the emotions I’ve been grappling with these past weeks – all the horror, fear and pain. All


    the confusion, helplessness, and guilt. If I had control of myself I might try to hold some of it back from


    Sinir, but I’m beyond that sort of limitation now. Everything is pouring through our bond, and I can


    feel his sorrow, Iage and love rushing back towards me.


    He rocks me back and forth, k!ssing and petting me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I cling to him


    like a raft in stormy seas, and for the first time since that first terrible hypnosis session, I feel as though


    I’m notpletely adrift. Why couldn’t he have been there all those years ago?


    Why did I have to wait so long before having this man in my life? When my tears have finally slowed


    and my breathing steadies, I look up at him, “


    Thank you.” I profess hoarsely. “I don’t know how you did it, but thank you.”


    His thumbs brush my tears away, and he nuzzles my nose with his own before pressing a tender k!ss


    to my l!ps. There’sfort in his touch, but also despair, and when we part I see tears in his


    eyes.”Don’t ever hide something like this from me again, E.” It’s not a scolding, or even an


    admonishment, the words are full of worry and sadness.


    “Im sorry, I should have told you sooner.”I confess, leaning my we.t face into the curve of his neck while


    he caresses my belly. “If I’d known… I never imagined you’d be able to fix it, I thought it would only


    make things harder for you.”


    “Im not just here to fix problems, mate.” He purrs.


    And if they’re harder for you, they’re harder for me.


    Haven’t you been telling me I don’t get to share the good and keep the bad all for myself? That goes


    both ways.”


    “I’m sorry.” I say again, feeling chastised even though there was no bite in his words. “I know we talked


    about this… I think I’m still just having a hard time with it.”


    “These things don’t go away overnight just because we talked about them. They take work – time and


    effort for both of us.” He pauses, searching my features in a way that makes me squirm. “But E, what


    was that dream?”


    I shudder, not able to look him in the eye. “It wasn’t a dream, it was a memory.”