Chapter 120


    E


    When my panic attack finally eases and I can breathe again, I peek up at Sinir,


    tears burning in my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I murmur weakly, hating that my stupid brain


    ruined our moment.


    “Why the hell are you apologizing?” Sinir counterS, still petting me. He hadn’t let


    me go even once as I weathered the storm of anxiety and despair, only pulling the


    pillows and nkets of my nest closer so I would feel secure.


    “Because I screwed everything up.” I exin thickly. “I was supposed to be helping


    you and I fell apart at a mere suggestion.” Shame is coursing through my veins, not


    because of the panic itself, but because of what it might mean: that I’m too fragile, too


    broken, to be Sinir’s Luna.


    “E, don’t be silly.” He replies, and though I understand he didn’t mean to dismiss my


    feelings, the words still sting. Sinir opens his mouth to continue, undoubtedly with


    some trite cation about how ‘these things happen’ or simr, but I cut him off.


    “I’m not being silly!” I insist with exasperation.


    What good am I as a mate if I can’t even be there for you when you need me? I get to


    lie around all day doing nothing while you’re out saving the world. You are constantly


    taking care of me on top of all your other Worries, and I never give you anything in


    return. It’s not right. You shouldn’t have tofort me when you’re the one who needs


    to dpress!” I burst, throwing up my hands. “All this time we’ve been convinced


    that I can’t be your Luna because I’m human, but we never even considered that I


    might not be up to the task, even as a wolf.” My voice is shaking with fresh tears, and I


    can’t look at Sinir as I continue, “But now… what more evidence do we need?”


    Sinir doesn’t make a sound, and when I look at him, he’s positively fuming. His


    heavy breathing and ck expression tell me he’s barely holding onto his temper, and


    the hands which were caressing me mere moments ago are now stationary and stiff. I


    watch as he struggles to quell his anger, even though I’m not sure what I said to


    infuriate him this way. After a second he shakes his head, apparently surrendering the


    battle. “I need a minute, E.” He finally growls, “I need to go for a run, but I don’t want


    to leave you unless you’re alright.”


    “Stop it!” I burst, my voice cracking. I’m out of the bed in a heartbeat, pacing back and


    forth in front of the bed. “This is exactly what I’m talking about!


    Stop protecting ne from reality. If you’re angry with me, then be angry! Let me deal


    with the Consequences of my weakness!”


    Sinir leaps out of the nest, stalking forward with white-knuckled fists. “I’m not going


    to yell at you when you’ve just had a panic attack, E. If you want to be upset with


    me, fine, but I need to let my wolf out and run off this temper.” He turns and charges


    for the door, bypassing meplètely.


    Then, at thest moment, he turns back, his wolf glowing in his eyes. “And for the


    record, this isn’t special treatment.” He rumbles angrily, “I don’t believe in arguing or


    taking action when I’m out of control this way. If you need anything while I’m gone, just


    ask the guards.”


    With that, Sinir disappears, and I can hear his wolf racing away down the hall. For


    a while I simply stand there, staring after him. Im shaking again, and I’m trying my


    best not to dissolve into a fresh bout of weeping. I consider calling Cora, but I


    remember the way she used me of selfishly unloading my problems onto her, and I


    refrain.


    My wolf is pacing anxiously in my head, whimpering like a pup and feeling just as raw


    as I am – if more feral. She’s begging me to do something, to fix this, but I don’t know


    how. I might have felt terrible for falling apart when I was supposed to be soothing


    Sinir, but my wolf seems much more distraught about Sinir’s anger.


    We should go after him! She begs. I can’t stand it, we have to fix this.


    We can’t. I grumble in reply. Even if I wasn’t on bed rest and it was perfectly safe, we’ll


    never be áble to catch up with him. Besides, he’ll only be angrier if we leave the


    house.


    She whimpers in understanding, though she’s still beside herself. I climb back into


    bed, curling into a little ball and pulling the nkets over my head. I haven’t felt this


    way before, though Sinir has certainly been angry with me in the past. Hey, I ask


    my wolf after some thought. Why weren’t you this upset when he used me of being


    a gold digger, or when he spanked me or dragged me out of Cora’s?


    All those times were different. She argues. I was barely awake in the beginning, and


    when he’s been angry in the past it’s been protective. This is the first time he’s really


    been hostile .. and the first time he’s walked out. What if he doesn’te back?


    Of course he’lle back. I assure her, but there’s a small part of me that fears the


    exact same thing.


    Logically I know he has toe back, even if he only returns to end our rtionship –


    after all, he lives here. But somewhere deep down inside of me there’s a frightened


    orphan who imagines I’ll never see him again.


    But what if he decides we’re not worth the trouble, and simply takes off for greener


    pastures? My wolf presses.


    You’re being ridiculous! I shout at her. His entire life is here. His pack is here. He has


    too much integrity to abandon his duty that way.


    But what if? She digs in her paws. It wouldn’t be the first time. He told us no wolf


    N?velDrama.Org owns all content.


    would ever willingly abandon their pup, especially with humans – but our parents did.


    Something must be seriously wrong with us – what if he’s finally figured it out too?


    What if this was thest straw?


    “Stop it!” I cry aloud, mping my hands over my ears, even though her voice is


    inside my head. “


    Stop it, stop it, stop it!”


    A sob wrenches from my chest, and the more time that passes, the more convinced I


    am that she’s right. I almost feel as though I’ve left my body and am watching all this


    take ce. I’ve had out of body experiences before, so I know that this isn’t what’s


    happening, but still – I’m both conscious of how irrational I’m being, but unable to do a


    thing to stop myself from spiraling deeper into my fears and insecurities.


    When I finally hear Sinir’s footsteps climbing the stairs, the violent fist clenched


    around my heart starts to rx, but only just. If he’s back it must be to end things. My


    wolf wails. I want to shush her, but instead I focus on trying to look as though I haven’t


    just spent the better part of two hours crying like a baby. I whip the nkets off and


    straighten my body, dragging my fingers through my hair and wiping the umted


    salt from my eyshes.


    So when the door opens and Sinir walks in, still naked but considerably dirtier than


    he was when he left, I’m sitting up in bed pretending to read a book. I look up at him,


    cursing my lower lip for trembling. He certainly looks calmer now, but there’s an


    undeniable tightness around his eyes as he looks me over. Hees over and moves


    to sit on the edge of the bed, but my wolf sees the dirt on his golden skin and a growl


    surfaces in my chest.


    Seeming to understand that he’s not allowed to sully my nest, Sinir reaches his


    hand towards me, e take a bath with me.”


    I nce at his muddy feet skeptically, and he sighs. “ll rinse off in the shower first.”


    “Then why not just shower?” I suggest, not wanting to put myself in a situation where I


    have to feel his body against mine as he breaks my heart.


    “Because I want to have a bath with you.” Sinir answers gruffly, “and I can tell


    you’re still upset.


    We could both use it.”


    “Can we just get this over with?” I huff, Wrapping my arms around myself to hide my


    trembling.“


    There’s no reason to draw it out, Dominic. Just tell me what you decided,”


    His face crumples into a grimace, “Decided about what?”


    “Whether or not you’re going to keep me!” I exim, knowing that I’mpletely


    failing in my attempt to seem calm and collected.


    Just like that, Sinir’s face closes off, and my heart sinks. Oh Goddess, I was right!


    My wolf howls mournfully. However instead of agreeing to my request, Sinir res


    and issues a singlemand, “Bath. Now.”