Chapter 115: Dirty
"I think you need to go and rest darling." Brenda''s mother told me as we walk out of the kitchen.
"I''m fine mom really." I assure her she was so worried about me and I understand her.
"Are you really okay? Brenda aasked me when we reach the stairs smiling at me.
" I''m fine love really I just wish I could stop having this shes really I just want to have a normal life it''s
all. "I said walking up the stairs with LJ''s small hand in mine.
" Maybe I can do something."Brenda said next to me as I look at her.
" What?
" Compel you." she told me as I just look at her not knowing how it will help any of my shes.
"Babe please stop joking around." I told her walking up to chrissy''s room.
"I''m serious here Lucia please I can see you like this while I know I can do something let me just
you can choose what you want but please think about the baby. "she told me as I look at her not
believing that everything is just about the baby.
" Baby, baby so everything will go about this child who I don''t want if you care so much about this child
who is not even born yet then I don''t know what I will meant for all of you here in this house when she
is born. I don''t care about this child and no Brenda just leave me the yell alone! I scream at her and
speed off towards my room leaving them in front of chrissy room and lock myself in the room crying.
You know what I touch my stomach feeling how she kicks me I don''t care about you you became a
problem for me I don''t want you I don''t need you just die okay I scream hitting on my stomach so many
times feeling the pain on my fits on my skin making me growl out as I just wanted to rip this child out of
my stomach and throw her away.
"I hate you I hate you! Scream throwing and destroying everything in my away screaming so hard.
" Lucia open up this door please I heard Brenda''s voice calling for me.
"I hate her, I hate her. "I cry.
" Honey no please don''t this to yourself. "my mom spoke knocking on the door but I just couldn''t I hate
this new life of mine this is not the way I wanted to have this child and I can''t stand having her in my
body she is disgusting she is dirt and make feel more and more dirty I can''t even kiss Brenda probably
she can''t even touch me and then I get those stupid shes I can''t live like this I can''t I just wanna die
and never came back. How will I ever make Brenda happy I scream and push my wardrobe away
seeing it fall down broken on the floor hearing yells and screams out side my door.
"I don''t wanna live this life." I stop still biting on my nails when I heard Brenda said she is going to
break the door speed out of my room through the window and run I run through the tich trees feeling
the sun on my skin and hearing Brenda call for me to came back and I just know she would follow me
so I transport myself into my old room of the house of me and mother. My room was very dirty and dust
I walk up to my bed seeing the drugs still on my bed the same way I have I have left it. I thought Norma
was here to clean up the room but why haven''t she. I just hope she is fine.
I climb on my bed and pick up the small stic bag with so many white stuff in it making me growl as I
pour some on the back of my hand and snuif it through my noise sightimg as the calmness took me
over. I throw myself back on the bed waiting for it to sink in but it was just no enough as I pour a little
more on my hand and snuif again making meugh so hard hearing Brenda''s voice in my hate not to
do anything stupid. I suddenly froze when I think about Brenda''s words and the way the baby was
kicking me so hard. I felt so guilty about everything I wouldn''t see LJ anymore if Brenda found out
about this.
"Oh fuck Lucia what have you done? I asked myself as tears roll down my face feeling very guilty. My
head start to hurt so much as I couldn''t understand what''s happening to me so many voice were busy
talking in my mind and I just couldn''t stop it from talking.
"Shut up just shut up." I scream turning around trying to where all the voiceing from.
Brenda is not going to forgive and will never see my daughter again what have I done I cry rolling
N?velDrama.Org owns all ? content.
myself into a boll as hold my legs close to my chest thinking about Brenda and LJ. I can''t lose them
now but I have already I just could have epted Brenda topel me but I just thought about myself
again.
"I''m so stupid, so stupid." I p myself all in the face with tears rolling down my face.
"Lucia please tell where are you? I heard Brenda''s voice asked me.
" I''m a mess Joan I won''t be able to make you happy I''m sorry but I can''t I''m dirty and I know you don''t
want me I wouldn''t be a good mom to LJ just reject me please Brenda . "I told her in the mind link.
" Lucia just tell me where are you okay please I don''t care how dirty you are and I''m not going to reject
you let me help you. "she said as she sounds like she was crying.
" No one can help me Brenda .