Chapter 101: Cursed Feelings
I lived my whole life to be a perfect fiancée. Day in and day out, I received intense and strict training
and listened to others about what it meant to be a Crown Princess. I underwent everything without
days of what seemed like never ending lessons.
Despite being able to take on whatever was given to me with little faults, I could never find or develop
my own aspirations. I was someone without a true purpose in life. In other words, I was an empty
person.
"I hate you...You will never be the object of my affection. I will marry you to satisfy our families, but I will
never love you," Prince Erik said to my child self.
When I first met Erik, he told me coldly that my only purpose in life was to help him solidify his position
through the unification of our families.
At first, I thought he was quite the honest idiot, but in a way, it was refreshing how he clearly stated his
intentions of not expecting love from our future union. It worked in my favor as well because I was
someone who could notprehend the feeling of love and was unconfident about being able to
properly reciprocate it.
I did wonder about what I did to earn his hate before even meeting him before and continued pondering
about it and identally forgot to answer him.
"Hey! Are you deaf!"
As he approached me, I felt scared by his angry face and began walking backwards. I suddenly lost my
bnce and tripped over the fountain.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that very person who spewed so much hate towards me reach his
hand out with a panicked expression.
I grabbed his hand without much thought, and we both ended up in the fountain.
"...I am so very sorry," I apologized.
"You are rather clumsy," he said in an annoyed voice.
From that day, I continued meeting up with Prince Erik when he woulde over to my home several
times for some reason. I always assumed that he wascking in interaction with children his age, so he
woulde to bother me.
Despite him acting rather rude towards me in several instances, he would stille back and show his
care for me. I just assumed his bad attitude came from his social awkwardness with girls. He was oddly
sweet in his own unique way. In that awkwardness, I foundfort in being around him, but I did not
think it was much of a feeling like the love I had overheard my Maids had spoken about.
"I have heard that without His Highness Prince Erik around, Lady Arielle does not have a partner
befitting of sharing meaningful conversations with. I hope that Garett will provide you some
entertainment," Marquis Alvin said as he pushed his son towards me.
What a pushy parent...
"I am Arielle Maddox," I said as I did a curtsy.
"Garett Alvin," he introduced himself with a bow.
I had heard that he was a year older than me, but his manners were quite good for his age.
He had dressed neatly infortable clothes and had enchantingly silky straight midnight ck hair
that formed an almost perfect halo around his head like an Angel. Hisrge round eyesses seemed
to unfashionably cover half of his face, making him downgrade his own appeal.
Marquis Alvin soon saw himself out with my father.
"...We are alone," I said during the awkwardness of silence.
"Shall we find something to do to find a meaningful way to spend our time?" Garett suggested.
He was surprisingly a good sport. On my suggestion, I asked that he y chess with me. He readily
agreed as if he expected chess to be the standard way to pass time with another person.
"...I cannot believe it. All of my moves were countered," I said in almostplete disbelief.
It was as if he had seen all of my tricks before and had developed counters for all of them. I was terribly
beaten at the game I thought I had an edge in.
"Haha...I guess that you have to try harder from now on," Garett said in a soft voice apanied by a
charming chuckle.
For the next few weeks, Garett woulde and go out of my manor and would entertain me with
various games or conversations psychology and or about the history of different countries. He spoke
rather enthusiastically about topics that interested him as they had rted to his dream of traveling
around and learning more about other cultures. He himself told me that he had nned on studying out
of the country like Erik.
I felt oddly lonelier than I thought I would be when I heard that our days together would end so quickly.
Garett challenged me in various ways and opened up my world with is ever expansive knowledge. On
top of that all, he had be an existence I continuously looked forward to meeting every day.
"Lady Arielle, you seem a bit depressed these past few days," Ste my mother''s personal Maid said.
"...Am I?"
"Are you feeling lonely because your loved one is so far from you?" Ste asked.
"Lonely?"
"It is normal for you to feel a bit lonely if you are away from someone you love," Ste said.
I had been feeling offtely ever since I heard that Garett was going to study abroad in another
kingdom.
Was I feeling lonely because I fell in love with Garett and was sad that he was leaving?
The next time I saw Garett, he seemed to be waiting for me in my personal Library as we had made it
our regr ce of meeting since we both enjoyed reading books together in silence.
"Your Library is always filled with books about romance," Garett said.
When I saw him, my heart filled with joy again.
This feeling surely must be...
"Don''t you think that love is a difficult emotion to understand?" I asked.
"Such a feeling was developed because there was arge need to procreate more children for the sake
of maintaining a decent number of descendants for the future of humankind. Our ancestors found that
couples in love were more likely to bear more stable children from love-based marriages. However, as
our knowledge of biology continues to grow, we have learned that love is not so important in
rtionships between men and women. It is the biologicalponent in all of us that makes us all
nearly equally fertile. Therefore, it is possible to have children even without having love-based
rtionships," Garett said coldly.
"Is love useless then?" I asked.
"For Nobles like us, it is meaningless. Marriage between Nobles usually meant for only one
thing...political advantage. That was the same for our parents and will eventually be the same for us,"
Garett said.
I think that was his roundabout way of rejecting me.
I tucked those feelings I had for Garett away and stowed them deep into the back of my heart as I
devoted the rest of my life and directed all of my feelings for my fiancé Erik once again because as he
said, love was "meaningless." Therefore, the correct way of living was only for our duty.
When I saw Garett again, he had treated me like a stranger and often scolded me rather harshly
whenever he saw me. In a way, he motivated me to be a more resilient, challenged me to be better,
and most importantly protected me from distasteful rumors. I remained naive even up to my wedding
day with Erik. I never realized that Garett had left to protect me from the rumors of infidelity surrounding
me.
Without being able to thank him even once, he did me one more service and sacrificed himself so that I
could escape my pursuers. This time, ourst goodbye really ended up as ourst conversation
together. Not long afterwards, his body return to me in pieces...
When I woke up in my own bed, I found tears falling from my eyes. I was half filled with disappointment
from not finding all the answers I wanted despite using drastic means to return my memories. The other
half was filled with sadness about no longer being able to return to those days of ignorant bliss.
Like a curse, so many people I loved dearly died early deaths because of me.
It is all my fault...
I should have listened to Garett and never loved anyone.
Even without having retrieved all of my memories back, I could fully understand why my other self
deliberately tried to separate herself from both Erik as well as Garett.
It is just so much easier to save everyone if you make the ones you want to save hate you. In the end,
no one will be desperate to save me anymore...