The days all blend together — an indistinguishable amalgamation of the mundane. There is little I see for myself in this world — my life having been relegated to a routine of supposed necessity. I wake up, head to university, head home, study, and sleep. In the past, I had friends I talked to, but now not even that is the case.


    Today — a day like any other — I make my way to the university campus. The hour dial of the large clock on the brick-red main university building shows that the hour hand has yet to reach eight. I feel the cold on my hands — I forgot my gloves — not surprising considering my five hours of sleep. If only I could have stayed in bed — hidden from the world under my three blankets. It was cold in my room and my bed gave me warmth. If only I could have stayed in bed, but instead I stand here in the dark in this frigid cold.


    The building in front of me greets me with its doors. I make my way inside and the coolness subsides and I am filled with warmth —accompanied by a pricking sensation on my skin. The lecture hall is just down the hallway and yet I struggle to move. "Can I continue living like this?", "What am I doing this for?". Oh, I wish I could just rest. But if I were to rest then I feel that my life would come crashing down. I have to keep moving forward; it''s the only thing I can do — even if it is all based on the assumption that I will find meaning later.


    The day usually passes quickly once I sit down. I listen to the lecturer and take notes trying my best to understand the subject. I try to make my notes good since I will have to use them later in the evening when I study. As the day passes, the scenery outside the window changes. The dark subsides and the sun rises. People can be seen walking outside of the classroom, all busy with their own lives — rushing to make it in time for lectures or perhaps to buy something from a café. I see birds flying outside the window — their wings fluttering in the cold sky. I wonder to myself why they haven''t yet left for a warmer place?


    Soon enough the day passes. The hour dial of the large clock now shows that the hour has reached four in the afternoon: its hands slicing daylight into increments I would never reclaim. The campus is still dark, with the sun retreating after its hasty stay this winter day. The winter months take away all light — leaving me to only observe the fluorescent light of the university halls and digital screens. In the summer, I walk aimlessly, basking in the summer heat. Even if I do not know my meaning, I find solace in the warm embrace of the summer months. But now even that is gone. All that is left is the dark and frigidness of winter.


    I make my way outside the university campus and step into the tram station. After a short while the tram makes itself apparent. As it draws nearer I can better see inside. It''s full — completely full of people. I really do hope that some people will get off so that there will be space for me. I feel tired — my body aching from sitting all day and my brain tired from thinking all day. Can there please be room? Can somebody please get off, so that I can sit or even just stand so that I can come home quickly.


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    My thinking is quickly interrupted by the loud screech of tram brakes. In the next moment the doors open and nobody gets out. I see some people try to make their way into the crowd and they succeed. The capacity is now clearly exceeded. I could also do that; I could also push my way into the crowd. But, no. I really can''t bother. The tram doors close, closing the lid on the tightly packed tram and thereafter it leaves the station. I am left standing alone at the station in this dark winter night. I suddenly feel an overwhelming sensation of dread. It''s as if the entire world were crashing down on my shoulders — but I know not why I feel what I feel. I just know that I want to sleep. If only I could lie down on the cold and hard ground beneath me and sleep. The ground beckons me as my bed in the morning — making me believe that I will feel the same comfort. I am tempted to give in even if it just is an illusion.


    I slowly sit down on the cold ground of the tram station. There is nobody around — and if they were, why would I even care? Why should I care what someone else has to think of me sitting on the ground? Living in the city I have always felt that I am being watched. No matter where I go or what I do I feel as if every action of mine is scrutinized to the largest extent. I always feel their eyes on my back — scrutinizing, investigating and making fun of me. In the past, I used to feel anxious, scared and self-conscious by my actions but now I don''t even have the energy to feel that. I just feel as if I am shifting between a state of absolute apathy and absolute anger. At times I find myself completely detached from this world — not able to care about the smallest things. I forgo eating, brushing my teeth, studying and other important things. It''s just that I can''t bring myself to do these things, because I see no purpose in them. At times I find myself incredibly quick to anger. My temper becomes short-fused and I lash out at the smallest of transgressions. It can be something as small as someone walking on the same path as I am, someone talking on their phone — even if it''s quiet — or laughing too loudly. Now, however I feel apathy. I have seen the tram filled to the brim with people leave In front of my eyes and if I were in another state of mind I would probably lash out, but I can''t bother with that now.


    I find myself looking up towards the sky — tranquilly observing the vapor of my breath. I let the cold air fill my lungs and then slowly, slowly release. I feel a strange comfort — a comfort I couldn''t describe if asked — but at the same time I feel a potent melancholy. I don''t want to think too much about these feelings because if I do, I know that my situation will only get worse — I know that from many past experiences.


    I close my eyes and surrender myself to the comfort of the cold winter night. I want to fully embrace this moment even if it is just temporary. Even if it is just a short break from my life. If only this moment could last forever.