Chapter 147


    Book Two – Ch.# 38


    Two months had gone by since my escape from Ashwood. 1


    The day still haunted me whenever I thought about it, remembering the faces of loathing, remembering


    the fear and confusion… remembering the pain of leaving Kieran.


    It was that pain which was still the hardest. to deal with, like an aching that never left me. A constant


    thorn in my side to remind me how we couldn’t be together… and it wasn’t just thoughts either.


    With the suppressors assumedly nowpletely worn off, for the first time I was experiencing living


    with what I imagined our entire species did; feelings that belonged to a creature inside you. Every


    single day it was like I could feel its pain crying for Kieran, whimpering internally as if I’d amputated its


    arm off. It was exhausting… and it only made it more difficult.


    Sometimes, in my darkest hours, I contemted taking the suppressors again. There had been one


    bottle left behind which now stood atop my bedroom dresser, staring at me with the promise of making


    the wolf go silent once more. To numb myself to the extra feelings that came with being a werewolf and


    fall back into my days of ignorance.


    I would reach my hand out towards the pills … but stop myself every time.


    And, instead, I would drink.


    Alcohol. No fancy ingredients required, just good ol’ liquor. Just enough to take the edge off. Enough to


    distance myself from the chaos in my head as I continued my work, slipping back into routine with my


    father.


    Things between us had been better, my absence clearly a needed one. He seemed more aware of me


    now, even more… gentle?


    If that was even possible for him. But nevertheless, I was certain that Ashwood would have found me


    already had he not done such an extensive job at hiding my existence all these years.


    And in return for that protection, I did what I always did.


    …I did my job.


    “Raven, can I get you another drink?” asked the man, Jack Hamilton.


    I sat on a plush expensive couch inside a high -end bar, attentively chatting closely with the man


    seated next to me. He owned the establishment that we were now tucked away in the private corner of.


    Just the two of


    “That’s okay,” I said, smiling. “Thank you though.”


    “You know… I’ve never seen eyes quite as mesmerising as yours before,” he said, leaning forward.


    “The golden colour is fascinating.”


    … And it was then that his hand reached over to touch my thigh, the intention obvious.


    I knew that this would be the case. In fact, I’d been trying to establish this connection. I was here for


    information today and that was always made easier when a man stopped thinking with their head.


    However, it unfortunately caused a stir of something else inside me… because I felt as a small growl


    rumbled through my chest in warning. A low threat in the tone. Not my doing, of course… but my wolf’s.


    Now choosing to make my life difficult with her inability to let me work. To her, only Kieran was allowed


    to touch us.


    I quickly coughed to disguise it and smiled.


    “Apologies… I think I might actually get that drink after all,” I said. “I’ll go get it though. Stay right here


    for me.”


    And as I stood up, I gently touched his cheek to seal the promise. A gesture that caused another stir


    inside me, taking all my control to push the wolf back.


    Goddammit. They were making this so unnecessarily difficult.


    “Your strongest whiskey, thanks,” I said to the bartender. “Add it to Jack Hamilton’s tab.”


    They gave me an odd look but did as I asked, and I downed it the second he stopped pouring.


    “The person you’re pining for has a family trying to kill us,” I said quietly to my wolf. ” Stop making this


    harder than it needs to be.”


    And slowly, I closed my eyes briefly as I let the alcohol wash over me, feeling as the wolf quietened


    inside once more. It wasn’t as good as the suppressors had once been, but it was enough.


    “…You’re not the only one who misses him,” I whispered sadly.


    No… not the only one. But some things were more important than desires.


    Things like… surviving.


    And it was with that very thought in mind that I then walked back over to my assignment.


    “Tell me, Jack… is this the only bar you own?” I started, touching his arm intimately. “I just adore it so


    much. Please tell me you have others in the city. Perhaps closer to town on Central Avenue? I’m dying


    to visit more often but this one is a little far from my home.”


    “Well… now that you mention it,” he said, leaning in closer. His gaze was switching from my eyes to my


    lips, but I bit back my difort. “Just between us, I happen to be cing a bid to purchase an


    uing lot shortly. It’s too soon to publicly announce it but….”


    And as he proceeded to tell me all of his ns for purchasing, I felt myself regress into my mind a little


    bit more, going through the motions of doing what I had to do. Giving him my attention in exchange for


    the information my father asked for.


    …Wishing he was Kieran whenever he touched me.


    I left the bar that night feeling hollow inside but with a job sessfullypleted. Which is all that


    mattered in the end.


    Just… living to see another day.


    Doing what I needed to do.


    …What I had to.


    I stumbled back home with a headache, taking a taxi back to my house. I was weed home by the


    sight of my front gate, the smell of familiarity in the air stemming from the ce I grew up. It was here


    that I took a moment to finally rx, breathing in deeply several times to calm myself.


    Because I was fine. I could do this. Just… one day at a time.


    But as I went to open the gate, I heard as someone then called to me. My mind immediately jumping to


    who had spoken.


    “Rae.”


    I looked up sharply, my heart pounding. An overwhelming rush of adrenaline pumping through me over


    who it was, needing so badly to see him again. To touch him, to tell him I was sorry for leaving. To tell


    him that I lo-.


    …But as I turned around to face him, I found that it wasn’t Kieran who had spoken… but Zac.


    I’d been so desperate for him to be here that I’d tricked myself into thinking it could be real. That Kieran


    somehow knew where I lived and hade for me.


    But this wasn’t a fairy tale. Not anymore.


    “…Hi, Zac,” I said, the disappointment thick in my voice.


    I’d been avoiding him sinceing back, not wanting to deal with the line of questions I knew he had.


    Truthfully, I just wanted to be left alone. To wallow in my own self-pity by myself.


    Something that apparently wasn’t very subtle as he immediately called me out on it.


    “You’re avoiding my calls and refusing to meet with me,” he said. “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you


    for weeks.”


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    “I’ve got a new phone,” I said. “Thest one was lost.”


    “That doesn’t answer any of my questions, especially when I’ve called your house phone a thousand


    times asking for you. I highly doubt the extensive list of excuses the maid gives me are all valid.”


    “I’ve been busytely.”


    “I know you have… which is exactly why I needed to talk to you,” he said. “You’ve had me covering up


    Noah’s existence for months now, had me do errands for you that jeopardise my own life. I need some


    answers on what exactly you expect me to do from here. Or… I don’t know… some help? I’m doing this


    all by myself and I’m freaking out.”


    Irritation red inside me as I didn’t want to deal with this right now. I’d had a long night entertaining a


    rich man for some business ns and just wanted to sleep.


    “Not now, Zac,” I said, turning back to go inside. “Just drop it and we can talk another time. I’ve just


    finished a job.”


    “No, not again,” he said, stepping closer. “If I let you go inside, you’re going to start dodging my calls


    again. Give me some answers. Just… at least tell me why we’re doing this. Just give me that.”


    “Another time.”


    But as I went to push open the gate, he walked over and grabbed my hand to stop


    “No. Seriously,” he said. “This isn’t fair that I have to-.”


    And he suddenly paused mid-sentence, his nose scrunching.


    “How much did you drink, Rae? I thought you said you just came from a job? Since when do you-.”


    “*Don’t call me that stupid name*,” I snapped angrily, ripping my hand away. Just leave me the fuck


    alone already*.”


    It had triggered something inside me, my frustrationing to a boil over hearing the nickname again.


    It was as if everything from tonight and the past few weeks hit all at


    once, erupting in a mess of emotions that I wasn’t sure how to process.


    But as I said the words, it was if something came over Zac.


    He froze in ce, his eyes rxing as his whole demeanour then changed. Instantly, his attitude


    switched.


    “You’re right,” he said, stepping back. “I’m so sorry, Raven. I shouldn’t have said that.”


    “What…?”


    “I shouldn’t have pressured you into talking to me, please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to upset


    you.”


    “What are you doing? Is this sarcasm?”


    His eyes widened in genuine concern. “No! Of course not! I really am sorry. I’ll leave you be. I hope


    you’lle talk to me soon though. I’d hate for this to have ruined our friendship.”


    I stepped closer towards him cautiously, to which he kept moving backwards to give me space. Just as


    I’d originally wanted.


    …But not like this. Not in this way which felt so… wrong.


    “You were just arguing with me and rightfully so,” I said, immediately sobering up. “I have been a


    complete bitch to you for weeks.”


    “No, not at all,” he said. “You clearly have a lot going on and it was my fault for bothering you.”


    “Zac, stop this.’


    “Stop what? You’re absolutely right that I went too far.”


    “No, I wasn’t,” I argued. “I was being unreasonably horrible because of things going on in my life that


    are not your fault.”


    What was this? He wasn’t acting like Zac at all. It was like he’d been reced by an overly polite doll


    who just said whatever I wanted to hear.


    Was this an ‘order’ of authority like what


    Kieran had done to Sterling, Allison and Daniel?


    …But, no, that couldn’t be the case. That was a system built on hierarchies of werewolves, able to be


    broken by leaving the pack as Sterling had. Zac was human and hadn’t sworn loyalty to me. This didn’t


    feel like he was obeying an order, it felt more like he was trying to… please me.


    And it was then that Allison’s words all came back to me, her description of the Devil’s ‘ siren call’ and


    how it influenced those with an aura of reverence.


    And I realised what it meant.


    …That this was my doing.


    Proof that I really was what they said I was.


    A monster… a devil.


    Had my life actually improved at all since discovering the truth of my identity? Or had


    I been better off before all of this? Before


    Ashwood, before Kieran… before I knew what else was out there?


    “Go home, Zac,” I said quietly. “I’ll… call you when I can.”


    “Of course! I hope we can talk again soon!”


    And I quickly opened the front gate, entering my house to head directly to my room.


    I knew what could help with this. What could stop me from doing this ever again.


    I just needed to go back to where it all started. Back to when my biggest problem was making sure my


    wolf didn’t misbehave, scared of my father’s punishment. Back when I was weakened… when I was


    more contained. When it was just me. Only me.


    I opened the bottle and stared at the pill in my hand:


    …Just one tiny thing to make half of my problems go away.


    To lessen the burden.


    To be… almost human again. Or close enough.


    I could put the blindfold back on and pretend like all these months had just been a bad dream. Just a


    mistake.


    Hesitantly, I brought it up to my mouth, closing my eyes… and, right before I was about to take it, I felt


    a force of something protest inside me, freezing my hand.


    ….Like an invisible barrier stopping me. Just like when I’d tried to kill Noah and Daniel.


    It was only more confirmation that something was deeply wrong with me.


    My father had known all along that I deserved to be taking this medication. He’d known just how


    dangerous I really was. I’d resented him for it and yet I didn’t realise just how much I’d needed it. I—.


    …Wait.


    He knew.


    …*He knew*.


    This wasn’t just to do with me being a werewolf anymore. Somehow, he’d known the extent of my


    abilities and had perfectly countered how to suppress it. Almost like he was aware just how problematic


    it could be.


    …And the words from his diary entry then came to mind.


    “…I am reminded of that fact every day by my fortune; with my business and my Raven, ‘it had read. ‘It


    is through her continuous. instruction that I have loyally served and been rewarded for my efforts.’


    “…Her continuous instruction.’ As in, someone else was helping him. Could she have been the one


    telling my father who I really was?


    …Was my adoption perhaps more nned than I thought?


    I leaned backwards, my back hitting my dresser with a loud thud, and, slowly, I sunk to the floor.


    I hadn’t been back to the orphanage since the day my father hade for me. Whenever I thought


    about it, I still recalled the blood of the children I’d hurt. My time there had not been pleasant. Only full


    of fear and pain. Longing for a family I couldn’t remember.


    …But what if I was missing something? What if my records had information in them that could help me


    learn more?


    …What if… what if there were others out there who knew what I was? That alone could be incredibly


    dangerous information.


    My eyes nced over to where I’d stashed the stolen Ashwood book under a pile of clothes. Out of


    sight, out of mind. Or so I’d thought.


    It was clear that there were still many pressing questions that were left unanswered. Questions that I


    knew my father would not answer easily. And, besides, if all of this was a misunderstanding, I didn’t


    want to drag him into the mess I’d created. If I was going to use, then it was best I understood more


    first.


    Well… if I was really going to go down this path, then I guess I should stop being self- destructive.


    And it was with that new determination in my head that I then slowly picked myself back up, grabbed


    the book… and left a note for my father.


    ‘I’m going back to where it all began,’ it read. ‘Be home soon.’ 2


    ‘Sincerely,


    Your Raven.’