"There''s something weird about this table, dear."
With his armed crossed, Rob stood in the living room, staring at the wooden table they had dragged home. It should have been a mess. After everything it had been through, it should have at least a scratch, a crack, a dent. Bumps, crashes, near-total destruction, and one propulson into the air happened! But it didn’t. It looked… flawless. There was even some sort of sheen on its surface as sunlight cast its glow on it.
The old man, Lena’s father, barely looked up from his workbench. “You’ve been overworking yourself, son. I told you to stop staring at furniture like it’s going to start talking to you.” He’d never told him that. He then waved a dismissive hand. “Go eat something before you start hallucinating. Fill that empty stomach of yours.”
Rob sighed, running a hand down his face. Maybe he was tired, but that didn’t explain why the table was completely unscathed. But Table was sure he wouldn’t want to go through all the trouble explaining to the old man that they had just gone through a near-death experience.
“I’ve told you. The table is blessed, dear.” Lena showed up from the kitchen holding a huge pot on her hand. She put it on the table carelessly with a plop. This pot was twice as big as the one Table had had to carry before, yet there was no stat change to him.
I am now the Master of all tables, Table thought. Such trivial tasks mean nothing to me.
Master Bimbleton, for all his flaws, had kept his promise. Ten silver coins and five hundred copper coins, without a single coin missing. The money they’d received meant they could buy new crops and replaced all the old kitchenware in their house.
There was one thing left to upgrade.
“We’ve been given good fortune,” Rob said solemnly. “It’s only right that we honor this table properly.”
With that, he left the house. Only now, Table had a moment of piece to check the boon of his hard work. With Lena sipping soup on his back, he opened his status table.
Adjustable Angle? Only 2 degrees?
The skill looked absolutely useless, but he knew better than to scoff at a skill that had saved his life in a life-or-death race. If only I have something, someone, some cat to test the skill on.
Table eyed the unsuspecting feline lounging nearby. Lazy and completely oblivious to the scientific breakthrough about to occur.
With the power of Adjustable Angle (2°) now at his disposal, he focused all his nonexistent muscles, his very essence, into making it happen.
Alright. Move. Just a little.
For the first time since arriving in this world, he felt something. A shift. A tiny tilt. He moved—2 degrees to the left.
The cat’s ears twitched.
The flames of encouragement burned in his mind, and he had to try again. 2 degrees to the right.
The cat stopped grooming itself.
Again. Left. Right. Left. Right. A show of power I must be demonstrating!
The cat’s pupils dilated.
It is trembling in fear! Surely it’ll be on its four little feet and dart away—
A hand slapped on its leg. “Stay still!” Lena grunted. “I’m trying to eat.”
[-5 HP]
Minus 5? Minus 5?!
Lena, who spent most of her time leisurely wandering the market, eating snacks, and occasionally scheming, had the sheer brute strength to smack five hit points out of him with a single slap.
How the hell is she so strong? She does nothing all day! Does she go to the market and wrestle cows or something?
Not to enrage the powerful human being eating on him, he stayed put. The cat, no longer sensing the impending doom of a demonic possession, stretched lazily and curled up again.
Table sighed internally, checking his other boon.
[+5 ATTRIBUTE POINTS]
Where to put them?
He had come to the conclusion that as an inanimate object, Perception and Endurance were the most important skills. He was sick of nearly snapping in half every time something hit him, and if he couldn’t move well, at least he could see the threats coming in advance so he could mentally prepare for his death.
2 for Perception and 2 for Endurance, it will be.
With 1 Attribute Point left, his vision hovered over STR. It had been absolutely useless so far. He wasn’t able to move! However…
I have to think about the long run. When I can eventually move, I surely will need to whack the butt out of some poor souls. I’ll need some firepower.
And with that, 1 point for STR.
Another status notification showed up: Are you happy with this distribution?
He selected Yes.
Then, there was this skill Appraise. It was supposed to be an Active skill, but right now, it was as Passive as it could possibly get. Status screens of his opponents had whimsically showed up without warning, and when he tried to channel his inner power and forced some information out of Lena, nothing showed up. Nothing!
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This skill is useless if I can’t use it!
But Table was foolishly determined if anything.
He had to make it work.
He concentrated every fiber of his being, and willed Lena’s status screen to appear. Nothing. He focused harder. Nothing. He leaned 2 degrees. Nothing. He screamed internally. Still nothing.
Desperate, he tried every method he could think of—mentally chanting Appraise over and over again, imagining an invisible force shooting from his wooden frame, even attempting to wiggle slightly in hopes that movement would activate it.
Nothing.
Table was about to abandon hope when—
Lena finished her meal with a satisfied sigh, brushing the last few crumbs off her lap. “I love cabbage,” she muttered to herself, pushing back her chair.
Table barely paid attention, as he was still fuming over his completely dysfunctional Appraise skill.
Then, it happened.
As Lena turned to gather the dishes, her butt bumped into his edge.
Ding!
A status screen instantly materialized before him.
<table style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 99.9817%" border="1">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Name</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Lena Oakward</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Race</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Animated Human (Human)</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Class</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Unsuspecting Mage</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Level</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">HP</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">MP</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">STR</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">97</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">END</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">AGI</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">PER</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Skills</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">
<ul>
<li style="font-weight: 400">Small Talk Mastery (???)</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400">Persuasive Bargaining (???)</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400">Household Diplomacy (???)</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400">Sorting Shiny Pebbles (MAX LEVEL)</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400">???</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400">???</li>
</ul>
</td>
</tr>
</tbody>
</table>
Ninety-seven strength! And what the hell was Household Diplomacy?! Did she settle kitchen disputes in her free time?!
Also, was she a Mage? How could one be an Unsuspecting Mage? Did she graduate from Mage Academy without knowing? What part of her was mage-like?
Her status screen faded away as she walked out of the room. Wait. How did that screen appear again? Did she just bump her butt onto me?
Lena soon returned with a damp cloth in hand, humming a tune as she approached. Table knew that this would be his best chance.
He needed to confirm his theory. For science.
As she wiped the surface absentmindedly, Table waited. Patience. Precision. Perversion.
Then, she reached for the far corner of the table. Now!
He ever-so-slightly adjusted his angle.
As she reached for the far corner, he adjusted his angle—just a tiny push, tilting himself toward her upper thigh.
Nothing.
Not a single status window popped up.
The thigh doesn’t work! It has to be the butt!
Before he could process the absurdity of this revelation, Lena frowned. She gave him an unimpressed look, then smacked his surface with a sharp thwack.
“Stop being wobbly.”
[-3 HP]
What? He was literally a table. He didn’t wobble. That was a carefully executed scientific experiment!
Now he had 3 HP left from sitting in the living room providing normal furniture functions.
C’mon. I need to confirm this. Can I rub butts and see stats? Lena, please, turn around. Rub your butt on me. Just one rub, I promise. Just one rub! I’ll be good I promise. Just one rub!
She walked away with the cloth in hand.
He whined. He moaned. He despaired. His one chance at valuable intel was gone.
Then…
Tabby sauntered onto the table like it owned the place. It did that annoying cat thing where it stared into the void, then casually lifted one leg and started licking its own butthole.
Table cringed. Why now? Why here? Have you no shame, foul creature?
Tabby turned around… and rubbed its stinky, unholy cat butt against his surface.
Ding!
A status screen popped up.
<table border="1">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td>Target name</td>
<td>Tabby</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Species</td>
<td>Domestic Menace</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>HP</td>
<td>160/160</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>STR</td>
<td>???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>AGI</td>
<td>???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>DEX</td>
<td>???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>INT</td>
<td>???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>END</td>
<td>???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>PER</td>
<td>???</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Passive Skills</td>
<td>
Nine Lives, One Attitude – Minor injuries regenerate over time.
Feline Grace – Cannot be caught. Ever.
Owner’s (Specifically Lena) Favorite – Gains invulnerability when being watched by humans.
Butt Licking – He can lick butts good.
</td>
</tr>
</tbody>
</table>
There it was, the Appraise skill, confirmed by a cat’s butthole.
It stinks!
But that was beside the point. Now, he had an even bigger problem.
How was he supposed to get people to accidentally rub their butts on him whenever he wanted to see their stats?
<table style="border-collapse: collapse; width: 99.9817%" border="1">
<tbody>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Name</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Table</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Race</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Animated Furniture (Table)</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Class</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">None</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Level</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">2</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">EXP</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">7/50</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">HP</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">3/11</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">MP</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">0</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">STR</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">3 (+1)</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">END</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">12 (+2)</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">AGI</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">18</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">PER</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">13 (+2)</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">Skills</td>
<td style="width: 48.9863%">
Appraisal (Level 1)
Adjustable Angle (2 Degrees)
</td>
</tr>
</tbody>
</table>