Chapter 24
Banana Quest
October, the previous year
KC: First!
KC: Hahahaaaa! :)
IM: Greetings! And welcome to round 2 of our grand adventure!
EW: you mean banana quest
IM: We’re not calling it that
EW: we are though
EW: right kate?
KC: I think it sounds funny!
IM: It’s not supposed to be funny
EW: how is this not supposed to be funny this is going to be a train wreck just like last time
JW: Hey guys!
EW: what up jim
KC: hi Jim!
EW: i was just explaining to Isaac how this isnt going to work
JW: I think it might work. Last time was fun
IM: That’s the spirit, Jim!
IM: Episode 1 got off to a rough start due to assorted technical reasons.
EW: yeah thats one way of putting it
KC: Maybe someday we’ll have a friend who’s really good with computers and stuff!
IM: Yeah maybe. As you can see, we are using a new chat program
KC: CHIME is a fun name!
EW: is this really going to be better though
EW: because it looks pretty much the same
EW: why cant we use a video call again
IM: because kate *duhhh*
KC: ;)
IM: Which brings me to my latest theory
IM: Which is that Kate doesn’t actually exist
KC: :o
IM: She’s some kind of advanced rogue AI
IM: Probably escaped from a clandestine pseudo-government R&D laboratory in remote Swaziland
EW: sounds legit good sleuthing bro
EW: i knew something was up with her
KC: I actually know a super-advanced AI!
KC: but she is not me ;)
EW: anyway isaac this thing is already giving me a headache i cant tell whos typing what
EW: its all just black
EW: btw i see you creepin liz
EW: dont be shy
EE: Greetings, everyone. Lyra the Thief has returned.
JW: Hey, what if we all used different colors?
KC: Good idea Jim!
KC: I want blue!
JW: Okay, I’ll take green
KC: Haha!! This is fun!!!
KC: My words are so pretty!
EW: shouldnt we vote on this
KC: NO!
EW: i appeal to the GM
EW: please stop this
KC: >:(
IM: I’ll take purple
EW: damn it
EE: I believe this is an adequate, not to mention aesthetically appealing, solution to the problem at hand.
EE: I choose gold. The color of the leaves outside.
EE: And Lyra the Thief’s brocaded tunic.
EW: of course
KC: Come on Eric! You can’t stick with black!
EE: Yes. Join us, Sir Kartoffelstrasse.
EW: all right fine let me consult with my advisor
EW: hang on a sec
JW: Advisor?
IM: Forget him. Where were we?
KC: The caravan!
IM: Ah, yes. Thank you, Lady...
IM: uh, what was it?
KC: Lady Cynthia Wolfram VonQuinnius Schmidt IV!
EE: Who is essentially a D&D version of Steve Irwin, correct?
KC: Yeah but she doesn’t say “croikey!” and “how’s this?”
EE: And she does not possess rugged masculine appeal?
KC: Sadly, no
KC: BUT
KC: She has rugged FEMININE appeal
KC: ;)
EE: So, like your aunt then?
EE: Did I ever tell you, Kate, I thought your aunt was like Allan Quatermain, mysteriously transposed into the present day.
KC: I always thought she was like Professor Challenger!
IM: All right that’s enough of that, you guys stay in character!
KC: hee hee
EE: Oh, has the game already commenced, honorable Game Master?
?
IM: I’m ready when you are.
EW: k im back
EW: my source tells me red is the best
EW: so here we go
EW: also my source says i should be a dragon
EW: can i be a dragon
IM: No! you’re already a half orc
EW: hang on
EW: my source says having a pet dragon would be okay then
IM: You’re level 1, you can’t have a pet dragon
EW: my source says the word dragon is in the title of the game
IM: Your source is Leah, and it’s actually not in the title because we’re playing Pathfinder, not D&D
EW: ahahaha
EW: my source just said ‘game master, more like LAME master’
KC: :D
EW: ahaha she actually said that
EW: im so proud
IM: Shut up dude, can we just play the game?
EW: what i thought we were
EW: this is the game isnt it
EW: we just bicker about unrelated topics and occasionally advance our fictional characters through a bullshit cliche plot
IM: It’s not cliché!
EW: dude we met in a tavern
IM: You think I don’t know the tavern trope?
EE: Really, guys?
EW: youre right you probably edited that thing on wikipedia
IM: I’m building it up now as traditional story in order to subvert expectations later!
KC: :D
KC: You guys are so cute when you argue!
EE: I believe Jim actually wants to play. He is waiting patiently.
EW: damn pulling the jim card? thats cold
EW: its straight up bananas is what it is
IM: Stop it with the bananas
JW: Well I also like all of us just talking together
JW: But the game is fun too! Remember how we fought the goblins last time and rescued that kid?
EW: we were there jim
JW: Yeah, exactly! That’s what made it fun
JW: Because it was us doing it
KC: Yeah!
IM: All right then let’s get going
IM: So you’re in the caravan
JW: How big is it again?
EE: I presume it is still evening?
IM: The storm still rumbles overhead
IM: A few dozen wagons
IM: and yes, evening
EW: you know this would be so much easier if we could like communicate verbally
EW: why cant we do that again
IM: Because Kate can’t
EE: Did we not just address this?
KC: I’m an AI ;)
KC: (but not really!)
EW: cant or wont
IM: It doesn’t matter! This is how we’re doing it
EW: kate are you like horribly disfigured or something
EE: Eric, remember when you requested I inform you whenever you are being an asshole?
EE: That is now.
EW: wow sorry
EE: Ignore him, Kate.
KC: :)
JW: Eric I don’t think Kate is disfigured
JW: or an AIThe tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
EW: but like is she even a girl
EE: Oh my god, Eric!
EE: Apologies, Isaac.
EW: but for real its like schrodingers gender over here
KC: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Chromosome!
KC: ;D
JW: what?
IM: SO YOU”RE IN THE CARAVAN
EE: Yes.
EW: got it
KC: And we’ve got the kid?
IM: You got the kid
IM: He’s still whining
EW: that little shit
IM: Thraz Pennygreen approaches to congratulate you
IM: WDYD?
EW: wait who now?
KC: *Lady Cynthea performs a face palm*
KC: *elegantly*
Hours later…
JW: Okay, so I’m still suspicious of this guy and I roll Perception
IM: He seems legit.
JW: Hmm...
EE: Hmm.
EW: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
KC: Lady Cynthea asks him where he was during the bandit raid
KC: but not suspiciously!!
IM: “Reconnaissance,” says Disko Jin with a smile. He shows you a sealed envelope. Lyra, you recognize the seal. It is the seal of Zinixo!
KC: I knew it!
KC: I mean, Lady Cynthea knew it!
IM: also you see Disko Jin is wounded in several places
JW: I’m still a little confused about the backstories, but didn’t Zinixo die?
EE: Supposedly. He was murdered in broad daylight while carrying that book through the streets of Quennes. But the body disappeared. So...
KC: Suspicious!
EW: if theres no body hes still alive
EW: thats how this shit works
IM: No it isn’t!
IM: There’s no stakes if a character can just die and come back
KC: although I was looking at the rules and I think that totally happens a lot at higher levels
IM: Well, yeah, that’s true
EW: man we are just flying through this narrative
EW: still in the freaking caravan with these two bit carpetbagging cheapskates
EE: Well you’re not helping!
EW: ...shouts lyra?
EE: No, that was me.
EW: *lyra pontificates
EE: Shut up!
EW: *bellows the bloviating bandit
EE: Lyra the Thief ignores Sir Kartoffelstrasse and once more addresses Disko Jin. “And you, good sir? Not badly wounded, I trust?”
EW: youre such a mom
EW: *says my guy
IM: “I’ll be fine,” says Disko Jin.
EW: bananas
JW: I still have my sleep spell right?
IM: yeah
JW: Can I try putting Eric’s character to sleep?
EE: I am afraid that will not solve the problem. In fact, it may only aggravate it.
IM: Disko Jin hands you the letter and departs.
IM: WDYD?
JW: Actually I want to follow Disko. I still have questions
EW: we all do bro
IM: All right. Let’s stick with you for a minute, Jim. What do you ask him?
JW: Um. I want to see what he knows about the hexagon.
IM: The what?
JW: You know, the big hexagon on the floor, with the symbols on it.
EE: Is this a new part of your backstory, Jimothy?
EE: I mean, Max the Wizard?
JW: You know how we each have a hexagon? And we each have a triangle inside the hexagon?
IM: ?
EW: not following
JW: And there’s, like...doors? At the edges?
JW: um
JW: wait
EE: This would mark the first I have heard of such a development.
KC: Lady Cynthea thinks Jim is confusing his dreams with the plot of this story :o
JW: oh
JW: yeah probably
JW: sorry
EW: no worries
KC: Hey Jim did you see what the sixth symbol was?
JW: no, I don’t remember, sorry
KC: Just curious!
KC: *is what Lady Cynthea is
KC: hehe
EW: oh no
EW: kate you better not be bringing your batshit progenitation into this game
KC: @_@
EE: I believe you mean prognostication.
EW: *she said condescendingly
EE: This time, that is accurate.
EW: you know i kinda like your character she sounds fun
EE: Indeed?
EW: yeah so sir kartofflestreet approaches lyra the klepto all casual and is all like ‘yo you busy later?’
EE: Oh hell no.
EW: excellent! then lets get some potatoes/bananas or steal some shit
EW: *he says as he polishes his monocle with a flourish
IM: Can’t you at least try to do your dialogue in character
IM: And why the heck do you have a monocle when you’re a barbarian?
EW: ‘a most astute query old chap’ he says with a legit british accent ‘right on the ol knocker, that one!’ as he gestures with his ornate pipe, ‘i shall see to conducting myself more in a manner befitting my standing as an esteemed gentleman of the realm’
IM: Someone kill me
EW: (kate by the way this is how i imagine your aunt talking)
KC: :D
KC: Yeah that’s pretty much it ;)
IM: Okay I’m looking at your character sheet and I see you have a top hat, monocle, cane and opera cape.
EW: theres a powdered wig in there too
EW: plus bananas
IM: WHY?
IM: You’re a half-orc barbarian!
EW: bro dont worry about it
IM: Why is this just coming up now?
EW: what the monocle?
IM: YES
JW: I think you should let it happen Isaac
JW: It’s funny!
IM: I don’t want this to be that kind of story!
KC: Lady Cynthea approves of such attire!
IM: Fine, whatever, continue
IM: Are you actually wearing all of this?
EW: but of course!
EW: back to the matter at hand
EW: how bout it lyra the thief?
EE: How about what? Your outrageous vestments?
EW: lets initiate some awkward inter-party romance
KC: 8O
EE: ...
KC: ...?!
EW: its for the good of the narrative
EE: Fine. But only if we begin by burning the wig. Lyra does possess a sense of fashion.
EW: agreed
JW: Is Disko Jin still around?
IM: I guess
IM: Yes, he is.
IM: He is watching all of this transpire with horrified befuddlement
KC: hehe!
KC: It’s bananas!
IM: Yes! Everything is bananas!
IM: In fact, you thought it was a circus caravan? It’s actually a banana caravan!
IM: Your inventories are full of bananas! Because I said so!
EW: mine actually is though
IM: Disko Jin is actually a banana! Why not, because it wouldn’t make the slightest difference to the plot of this story, which no one seems to care about!
EW: uh oh. guys we broke the gm
EE: I care about the plot.
IM: Why did I think this was a good idea? I could have just written a story! At least in a story the characters act like the characters!
EE: Isaac, the whole point of a role-playing game is the participatory co-creation of a narrative by the players, who are also the characters. Its nature is fundamentally different from that of a written story.
KC: I disagree! I think the whole point is to have fun!
EE: And that.
JW: Isaac, didn’t you say that in this game you’re winning if you’re having fun? Like there’s no, um, ultimate goal or anything, beyond the experience.
IM: But no one’s taking it seriously!
IM: Except Liz
EE: Thank you.
IM: It’s just...
IM: don’t you say it Eric
EW: bananas?
EW: damn I hit enter just as you said that
EW: caught red texted
EW: like an amateur
IM: I give up.
JW: Don’t give up Isaac
JW: Maybe you just need to change your expectations
JW: I don’t think this will be the kind of story you want it to be
KC: Max the wizard is right! We’re still having fun right?
EW: yeah i was wrong earlier
EW: i mean i was right about it being a train wreck but it still is like your best idea ever
EW: fuckin copacetic
IM: Wow thanks
IM: ^sarcasm
KC: Isaac I’m sure you came up with a cool story! But since you already know how you want it to go, maybe you should just write it and then let us read it?
EW: yo shes right and then we can just goof around in banana quest
EE: I would rather do the story. But I see that is unlikely to happen.
EE: In any case, Sir Gesualdo, I believe we have a date?
JW: Let’s keep going, Isaac
JW: Please?
IM: All right.
IM: But I’m doing this for Jim, not the rest of you ungrateful galoots.
IM: Also Liz.
EE: Thank you.
IM: So it is now late evening in the caravan.
IM: Everyone roll perception
EW: oh shit