January 2009 - Humdrum Part 1


    One day, I went on an alternate-reality adventure to find a missing girl.


    As I mentioned earlier, Nathan was smarter than the average bear, lived in San Francisco nearly all his life, and knew quite a few of the city''s secrets.


    Secrets like the Humdrum Institute.


    On a blue, sunny day, Nathan sent me an enigmatic text message to meet him in the lobby of a building in the financial district. I don''t remember which building. Almost all the buildings downtown look the same. Fifty stories of dark glass windows and steel.


    I found Nathan sitting on a couch with August and a young man I''d never met. Despite not being conventionally attractive, Nathan had a way of meeting attractive twinks. He was short, had a belly, and a nasally voice, but he was an intelligent, decent human with a sharp wit. He usually treated people with kindness and respect. That was probably his secret. Sometimes pretty young men found Nathan attractive. Other times, they became friends, and Nathan liked introducing me to his new friends.


    "Hi," I greeted August, Nathan, and the new guy at once. "I''m Sebastian," I said, extending my hand to him.


    He blushed, smiled warmly, and held my hand softly. I felt instantly safe with him.


    "I''m Rufio." He was light brown, with dark hair, my height, and somewhere between cute, sexy, and beautiful.


    "Okay, now that''s over, everyone''s here," Nathan complained, looking at me because I was five minutes late. "Let''s get going. To the elevators."


    We stepped off onto the 18th floor. A woman sat behind a desk in a dark corner of the building. Nathan stepped forward as the leader of our expedition and asked her for the key to the Humdrum Institute. She reached into her desk, pulled out a small wooden map attached to a keychain, and handed it to us without a word. We huddled for a moment to decipher the map and, when we reached agreement, set out to find the X.


    X turned out to be a room designed like a 1960s business office. Curious timepieces and plants filled the shelves. As soon as the door shut behind us, the television turned on, first to static, then to flickering images of esoterica. Meanwhile, a velvety smooth disembodied voice filled the room.


    "Welcome to the Humdrum Institute. Simply by coming here, you have taken your first steps on your journey to discover the truth. The truth is: all around us, a secret war is being waged between the Cult of Nonchalance and myself and my colleagues at the Humdrum Institute. I would explain more, but these secrets are too dangerous to tell here like this. Besides, you wouldn''t believe me. You''ll have to see for yourself to believe.


    "To aid you on your journey, please open the top drawer of the curio encasing the crystal dragon; there, you will find several maps and sheets for information. Please fill out the forms. Then, each of you, take a map and return the key to Aubrey at the desk. Don''t speak to her or anyone else until you leave the building.


    "The guards on the ground floor lobby are Nonchalant spies. Surely they will have alerted the others of your presence and will try to follow you. Shake them off. Don''t use the elevator. Instead, leave through the fire escape. I will shut off the alarm for the next 5 minutes. Once you''re outside in the alley, consult the maps. The Nonchalant are on their way to capture you! Hurry now! Go!"


    We hurried silently out, returned the key to Aubrey while enacting Mission Impossible poses, and stepped out onto the 18th-floor fire escape. Rufio was scared of heights, which I found adorable in that moment, so I distracted him with questions.


    "Where are you from?" I asked him.


    "A suburb of Los Angeles. My family emigrated from Mexico, so I would be born in the US," he said.


    "Do you speak Spanish?" August asked, and Rufio shook his head.


    "No, my parents didn''t speak Spanish at home. They said I wouldn''t need it. Sometimes my abuelos spoke Spanish, but they wanted me to grow up all-American, so they never spoke Spanish to me."


    "That''s sad," I said. "I wish I grew up bilingual." Rufio and I held eyes briefly, and there was a connection. By the time we reached the ground, Rufio and I were inseparable. Together.


    For hours, we journeyed through the financial district and into Chinatown, gathering and deciphering clues to yield a jumbled warning: ''Find Eve. Beware the Nonchalant! They have infiltrated every level of government and society, and they will stop at nothing to keep secret the entrance and nature of Elsewhere.''


    "That''s ominous," August concluded as he carved his initials into a nearby tree. "Now that we know they exist, they''re out to get us, is that it? Way to screw us over, Humdrum. Telling us put us in danger!"


    Nathan stayed quiet through most of the day''s exploits. He''d been this far before, but the entire story took several days, and he''d never gone past the first chapter. Rather than give the answers away, he let us decipher the clues ourselves.


    Since Nathan was staying silent, August and I tussled over team leader. He wanted to be in charge, but I figured out most of the clues first, so I led most of the day. "It says the next clues can be seen through that telescope," I deciphered from a jumble of letters and pointed at a balcony in a building across the park from us. We walked up to it, and I waved to Rufio to look first, then August, then me. The telescope was locked in position and focused on a church several miles away at the top of Dolores Park. It was a timeworn but majestic church, distinguishable even at a distance by its golden dome that shone like a sun in the daylight.


    It took several minutes to travel to Dolores Park, so I got to know Rufio better. He was a student at SF State, majoring in Philosophy. He was at once thoughtful and silly, handsome, but also anxious and unsure of himself.


    With the men before Rufio, I was the quiet, passive one, but Rufio was even more shy and passive than I, so when he was around, I took charge. He said he felt safe with me, and that made me brave for him. But I''m getting ahead of myself.


    We got to the church around 4 pm and looked for the next clue. After several minutes without success, Nathan led us around the back of the building to a nondescript door. It looked like the entrance to a small shed, perhaps tools or garden equipment. A padlock with a six-number combination blocked our path.


    "The missing girl, when did she go missing?" Rufio asked. I consulted the key I picked up at the Institute. It gave a short bio of a girl named Eve, who went missing several years ago, and seemed to be the story''s MacGuffin. But Nathan saved me the trouble and said it was instead Eve''s birthday, 07-19-86.


    With the right combination, the door opened to stairs leading down beneath the church. The lights were low. Spiders lived in the several wide cracks in the concrete foundation. I tried not to let my fear shake me, but Rufio was thoroughly spooked. August laughed at us both and went first down the dark stone stairway. I grabbed Rufio''s hand and followed behind August. Nathan took the rear and closed the door behind us.


    The stairs led to a circular stone room, clearly meant as a worship space, with little cushions to kneel on, strange banners on every wall, and a tiny sunroof that cast a single beam of light.


    "This is as far as I''ve gotten," Nathan confessed. "On the altar, you''ll find the last clue."


    On the altar was a large ornate clock, stuck at 8:00. Next to the clock was a sign that said, ''Come to Sunday Morning Service!''


    "Shit," August said. "You''re telling me we gotta be up and here by eight in the morning?! Ugh."


    "That''s the end of chapter one," Nathan said. "I don''t know what happens here, and I haven''t convinced anyone else to meet me for chapter two."


    "I''ll do it," I said without hesitation. "This was the most fun I''ve had... maybe ever." I was determined to see where the story led. And what a unique first date! Rufio said he would come back, too. August glared at us with envy and jealousy, standing so close to each other. He would spend several weeks irritated with me. I ignored him, and Rufio became my first boyfriend.


    February 2009 - Travis


    I''ve always been a solitary person. When I was much younger, I would take a book to the farthest corner of the schoolyard so no one would talk to me.


    I used to be lonely. I grew out of it. But until then, I was a desperate sadboi, pathetic and manipulative.


    See, I''m good at understanding people. Call it empathy or simply being observant. I can look at a person and usually know what they want and how they think. So naturally, this makes my life somewhat paradoxical. I don''t like people, yet I love them; I''m fascinated by them, and as much as I hate being around them, I''m bored and sometimes sad when they''re not around.


    Anyway, all these qualities, combined with my situation and environment, molded me into a very manipulative version of myself. I understood people, what they wanted, how they thought, and how to bring them to my way of thinking. And, being the desperate sadboi I was, I didn''t always use my powers for good. Often, I would manipulate a person or situation just to see if I could. Other times, I lied because I thought it would make things easier and I could get away with it.


    For example, my relationship with Rufio. I cheated on him and lied about it. And I''m sorry. Not that my apology or guilt changes anything. But I am sorry. I wasn''t a very good person at that time in my life. I didn''t care about other people. I had great affection for Rufio and all the other men I ''loved'' at the time. I said the words ''I love you,'' and I meant it, but in hindsight, I was unable to love anyone. I was still thinking in survival mode. Every relationship I made was calculated. I wanted someone who could ''fix'' me or ''save'' me, but ultimately I wanted someone to fill the hole I felt in myself. I had to learn to love myself, accept my flaws and weaknesses, and see others, not in terms of how they might benefit me, but how I might benefit them, or simply appreciate the things that make them unique.


    But I wasn''t ready to think like that.


    A few weeks after the Humdrum adventure, August''s ex, Travis messaged me on Facebook. He asked how I was doing, and wrote that his friend Otis had just died due to a rejected heart transplant, and he was heartbroken. I expressed sympathy, and then he invited me over.


    My first instinct was apprehension. August was my friend. I''d met Travis at social gatherings, but I didn''t know him well, and August didn''t speak highly of him. But Travis was wealthy and influential in the Castro scene, and I wanted to be popular, so I reluctantly agreed and walked the half mile to his house.


    I knocked, and Travis finally opened the door after some difficulty, looking flushed. He wore a big smile and welcomed me inside. I completely forgot to be on guard. How could he be dangerous? He was so pitiable. Something about him felt like a fa?ade, and it threw me off. I was a great liar. Travis was not. It made me wary but also fascinated, the way snakes and spiders fascinate me. I was expecting something a little more somber, but whatever.


    "Do you want a drink?" he asked.


    "Uh, sure. I don''t drink much, so a small one, please."


    "Follow me," he said playfully and sauntered to the kitchen. While mixing drinks, he boasted of his new kitchen renovations: black marble countertop, stainless steel appliances, voice control systems, and whatnot.


    I thought it was a tasteless demonstration of almost-wealth and wondered why he hadn''t mentioned Otis, his dead friend. Wasn''t that why I came here, to console him? He rambled on about his home decorations as he handed me a drink, and we moved to the living room. I sipped my drink and coughed a little. Hard alcohol was new to me and exciting.


    He crossed his legs on his couch, wobbling his head confidently.


    "My friends and I are what you might call the ''A-Gays,''" he began. "Dozens of boys try to get in our social circle; we''re very popular."


    "That''s kind of pretentious. What makes you so special?"


    "We''re rich, in our thirties, and we know everybody worth knowing. If you wanted, I could get you a VIP pass into Badlands; the owner and I are close friends."


    "Thanks, but bars aren''t really my thing."


    "Okay, okay… So I saw on Facebook that you''re friends with August," and as he said this, he looked sideways, like he was being sly.


    "Yeah, he''s one of the first people I met in San Francisco. I''ve heard you two have issues, but he''s my friend, and I don''t want to get put in the middle of your thing. I hope you understand. We can be friends, but I''d rather we not talk about him."


    "That''s fine. I just think you should know he''s not a good person. Right now, he''s being sued for giving my friend HIV; and he cheated on me when he did it."


    "He told me you two had an open relationship."


    "Well, yeah."


    "Then was it cheating? Your friend was having unsafe sex with August. It can be assumed he was having unsafe sex with other people too. There''s no way of knowing who gave it to whom; even if there were, would it make a difference? It happened. And no one forced your grown friend into raw-dogging a beautiful twink."


    "I know August. He would hide it. It''s something he would do. I''m only telling you to warn you. You need to be careful."


    "I am careful. August and I use condoms. He''s on meds, and he''s shown me his medical reports. He''s undetectable, which means he''s untransmittable. I''m safe. Besides, I trust him. He would never endanger me. You seem pretty bitter he broke up with you."


    "You''re goddamn right, I''m bitter! He gave me HIV and cut my life in half!" Then he went into another diatribe about his health, which he thought was fascinating, but I didn''t.


    I interrupted, "Even if August was patient zero, he''s 19, you''re 35, and you encouraged him to sleep with your friends. Sex is a numbers game. The more people you sleep with, the likelier the chance of catching something."


    He blushed and smiled wistfully. "Well, fine, that''s true. I used to drive August to his trick''s house." Again, he looked sideways at me. His face was pink. "I like when the boys I''m dating sleep with other people; it''s like saying, ''Look what I have, and you can just borrow it.'' I''m looking for a fuck-buddy, Sebastian. Not a boyfriend, but someone I can fool around with and buy things for. I can be very generous."


    Yikes. Where did my drink go?


    "Um… you just referred to your ex-boyfriend as an ''it.'' He''s also my good friend, and we sleep together. I''m sorry, but I''m not interested in having a sexual relationship with you. We can be friends, though."


    "That''s cool. You finished your drink! Do you want another one?"


    "Sure."


    Again, we returned to the kitchen, and he retold the fascinating story of its renovation. I silently debated whether to stay or go home. Deciding to push my luck, I changed the subject. "Last week I was in a car accident! My boyfriend, Rufio''s car was totaled."


    "I was in a car accident once, but we won''t talk about that! Ha ha."


    "It sounds interesting."


    "No, no. I thought about what you said earlier, and it''s fine. After August, I made a resolution not to date boys younger than 24 anymore. They''re just immature, and they''re kinda stupid – no offense. It''s nothing personal, but I think around 24, something happens to boys'' brains, and they become smarter, more capable of maintaining a healthy relationship."


    I was 20. Trying not to interpret that as the insult it strongly resembled, I said, "I''ve met plenty of young guys in healthy relationships. You''re generalizing a lot of people. Makes me think you''re projecting yourself onto others."


    He blinked a few times, unable to think up a good retort; surprised, annoyed, and impressed that I beat him, his eyes twinkled. My ego flared. He annoyed me, but I liked that he thought I was impressive. I''d stay if only because he thought I was remarkable. That, and he was offering free vodka. This is fun, I thought, smug and self-righteous. I asked for another drink. Meanwhile, the room was beginning to sway, and, I imagine, so was I.


    "I want to show you something," he said to me. "Follow me upstairs to my room."


    I won''t lie. I knew what he was about, but full of myself and vodka, I thought I could out-maneuver him. I was wrong. The thing he wanted to show me was his collection of nudes he''d downloaded off people''s online dating profiles. My initial reaction of disgust was soon overshadowed by the thought, "Wow, these are hot!" And being drunk and looking at nudes put me in a desirable position for a predatory older gay.


    The morning after, I woke up with a furious hangover, furious at myself. Travis woke up as I tried to leave quietly.


    "So I was thinking we could go shopping," he informed me.


    I pause for a moment, knowing I would regret this:


    "Alright. Let''s go."


    I know. I wish I had scruples, too, but I like nice things and couldn''t afford them. Plus, this asshole took advantage of me. I wanted something out of it. Anyway, rationalization aside, we went shopping. Somehow he spent 500 dollars on underwear, shoes, swimming trunks, a delicious meal, and a sex toy, making me promise he could use it on me later. I lied and said yes. Travis thought he was driving us to his house, but first, I dropped him off. He threw a tantrum, insulted me, and begged me not to go. The walk home felt good. Revenge is fun, I thought, until Rufio called, crying and brokenhearted.


    Travis had called him.


    Between heaving sobs, Rufio asked me if I cheated on him with August, if I had HIV, and if I infected him. I ran to him and told him everything. I did cheat on him with August. I used a condom, but that didn''t matter. He asked that I give him space to focus on his studies.


    Not one to be outdone, I posted on Travis'' Facebook wall that he raped me. While many disagree, I maintain that was a truthful statement. I had told Travis I was not interested. Then he plied me, an inexperienced adolescent, with alcohol and manipulated me until I relented from the pressure. That is not enthusiastic consent.


    Travis'' response was predictable: he told anyone who''d listen I was a lying slut and a meth addict. That''s how I made my reputation in San Francisco. For months and years later, strangers meeting me would ask if they were true, all those awful things they''d heard about me.


    March 2009 - Community Convention


    "Rufio still isn''t speaking to me. I fucked everything up, and I don''t know why I did it," I told Dani.


    Most youths in CYH had to see their caseworker every week, but I had a job and maintained a 4.0 GPA, so I convinced Dani to see me only once a month because I thought I didn''t need help. But in retrospect, I should have asked for extra time because I needed all the help I could get.


    "Sometimes we ruin things for ourselves because we don''t think we deserve them," she pondered.


    "I dunno. To be honest, sometimes I''ll catch myself and think, ''wow, that''s arrogant.''"


    Dani shrugged. "Arrogance and insecurity are like two sides of the same coin. Sometimes, people pretend to be confident to hide how scared and unsure they are."


    "That doesn''t make sense. How can someone be arrogant and insecure at the same time?"


    Dani laughed and said, "It takes a lot of work, let me tell you, but if you can convince yourself, you can convince anyone."


    I thought about it for a moment. "You''re saying I''ve convinced myself I''m arrogant?"


    "I don''t mean to say anything. But. If you had convinced yourself of something, that wouldn''t be unusual. Most people lie to themselves. Myself included. Once you''ve lied to yourself, lying to someone else is easy. Being honest with yourself, that''s rare, because it''s hard. Being honest with yourself demands work and pain. It''s not easy coming to terms with yourself. Your failings. It hurts. Most people don''t have the constitution for it."


    I didn''t know how to respond. Dani was like that. She''d say something abstract, and I''d just sit there thinking about it for a few seconds.


    "Okay. To be clear, you''re saying I fucked up my relationship with Rufio because I think I don''t deserve him, and I''ve convinced myself that I''m arrogant to hide my insecurities... from myself?"


    Dani put her hands up in the air in surrender. "I have no idea. I''m not in your head, and I never met Rufio. I''m just listening to your story. Anything I say is a knee-jerk response to what you say, but I won''t pretend I''m impartial. I''m still human. If I''m projecting my own nonsense, or maybe someone else''s, disregard me. Honestly, I''m just some guy. Who cares what I think? I don''t have God''s Truth. If something I say doesn''t feel true to you, ignore it, please."


    Again, Dani had me stumped. Most people didn''t act like her, and it took me a second to process that kind of casual humility, but I was preoccupied by something else entirely.


    "You said you''re ''some guy.'' Have I been gendering you wrong?''" I asked wrongly. The author''s content has been appropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.


    Dani just smiled. "No, you haven''t been misgendering me. I don''t care whether people call me a man or a woman."


    As she mentioned it, I realized we never discussed gender or how she preferred to be referred. I felt ashamed and confused and kind of confused about being ashamed and confused. "I never asked you about your pronoun preferences. Is that right? I don''t even know how to ask about it. I''m sorry. I didn''t mean to be rude, but it also seemed like none of my business."


    She shrugged. "To tell you the truth, I often don''t know what the rules are, either. It seems like new norms and codes of conduct are introduced and enforced so rapidly, it''s hard to keep up, even for me. I don''t always align with, I guess you could call it, ''liberal orthodoxy.'' But it is polite in liberal circles to ask for pronouns when meeting a person. You never asked, but you never made me feel weird or freakish, either. You treat me like anyone else. I shouldn''t say this, but many of my clients were awkward about it. If anything, I''d say thank you."


    Yet again, she stumped me. I thought for a second about it. "I''m sorry people suck. But I''m a person. And since I already broke the seal on this conversation, can I ask you about gender?"


    "Of course," she put down her notes and pen and folded her hands in her lap. "And don''t worry about offending me. I won''t be offended. If you say or ask something offensive, I''ll explain why it might be offensive, but like I said before, this is a safe space for you to figure things out, and I''m here to help."


    It was wonderful how safe Dani made me feel. Over the years, during moments with others, I noticed myself emulating her, copying her gestures and vocal intonations.


    "Okay," I said, having organized my thoughts a little. "A couple months back in Lark Inn, I met a trans couple. A boy and a girl, going this way," I pointed like the Scarecrow in both directions, "And I guess... I guess I don''t understand."


    Dani laughed and sighed and said, "Yeah, that makes sense. You didn''t actually ask a question, so I''ll say what comes to mind, and maybe a dialogue will come from that, yeah? Alright. Uh. I guess... the first thing to understand is... gender and sex are not the same thing. Sex is about chromosomes and hormones; it''s biological stuff. Gender is about how cultures interpret that biological stuff and where one falls within that interpretation. And it''s important to remember our culture is not universal. Other cultures differ widely on how they interpret and organize that biological stuff."


    I knit my brows and nod, following along so far. Dani continued, "But the simple thing about sex and gender is they aren''t binary. You know what a binary is?"


    I shake my head.


    "It''s like, either-or. Black or white, with no shades of grey, but almost everything exists in some shade of grey.


    "Myself, for example. My body produces more testosterone than is ''normal'' (she said while making air quote fingers) for a woman. Doctors told me they could perform a dangerous, invasive surgery to ''fix'' (again) me, but this is who I am," she said while spreading her arms and posturing. "I like me, and I don''t need fixing. Now some people see me, and they think I''m a man. That''s fine. I can''t go around correcting everyone on the street, can I? Does it matter? Not to me, anyway. Sometimes, people think I''m a man, and when I drop my voice low and act commanding (she said this while acting it out), I even enjoy some male privilege. I kind of exist within a strange intersection of privilege and oppression.


    "But I''m kind of trans-adjacent, so probably not the best person to help you understand trans people. I don''t experience body dysmorphia. Other people have hang-ups with my body, not me."


    Dani gave me a few moments of silence because I needed the extra time to think about it.


    "So you''re a woman?" I asked.


    "I mean, I guess? Most of the time, anyway. I think of myself as a woman, but sometimes I (air quotes) ''act like a man.'' Sometimes people think I''m a man. And if it swims like a duck and quacks like a duck..."


    "So your gender changes?"


    "I guess? I''m always gonna be me, whether other people know it or not. Whether I know it or not! But how society views me can change at any moment depending on the context. Likewise, how I see myself can change, and I can alter the context."


    This was too much, and I was lost. I shook my head. "But what about Faerie? She''s with this transguy, Alex. Does that makes them straight or gay or what?"


    Dani laughed, "Oh, okay. Uhh, I guess the important question is, does it matter?"


    "Not really, no. But I want to understand, and I don''t know how."


    Again, Dani laughed and sighed. "Well, I suggest you ask them... but since you''re asking me... attraction and identity aren''t the same thing. Who you are and what you want are different things, right? As for whether that makes them ''gay'' or ''straight,'' those are just words. Words that imply a dichotomy. A binary. Either-Or. Either gay or straight, as opposed to a complex human person, with unique tastes and preferences, right?"


    After a moment of silence, Dani jumped back in, "And also, I think you don''t necessarily need to understand. I don''t mean to be dismissive. Full disclosure, I don''t totally get it, either, and that''s okay. See, I like my body. I don''t understand what it''s like to live in the wrong body, but I don''t need to understand. All I need to do is treat Faerie like I would anyone else."


    "I wanna be respectful. I don''t mean to pry. That''s the opposite of what I want. It''s just I wanna understand so I can be better. I''m afraid I''ll say something stupid or insensitive and fuck everything up."


    Dani nodded. "Yeah, that''s real." She sighed. "I can''t answer why Faerie is transitioning. Only she can do that. And I don''t think she can answer why anyone else is transitioning. In my experience, it''s a unique, personal journey.


    "But I can say your fears are out of proportion. I don''t mean to dismiss them outright. Some people are bastard-filled bastards, and trans people are people, too. So I won''t lie and say, ''no trans person will be upset if you accidentally use the wrong words,'' but for the most part, people can recognize intention. Like our conversation now. You''ve been very respectful. You even asked permission before talking about it. Who does that? Just be with Faerie the way you are around me. You''ll be fine. And if you say something she doesn''t like, let her correct you. Listen to her. She might even be grateful to share her truth with you."


    We sat in silence for a while again until Dani finally broke it.


    "What about you? What happened last month? I know you went on the Humdrum adventure. That''s when you met Rufio. Did you go back and finish it?"


    "No. The next chapter is on the first Sunday of every month. Five days ago. Rufio still won''t talk to me, and I was depressed, so I bailed. Nathan was super disappointed. This is the second time his party bailed before chapter two."


    Dani had a sly look in her eyes. "Why don''t you invite Faerie and Alex to the next chapter? You can run the first chapter with them again before the next first Sunday."


    "Yeah. That''s a good idea. I''ll ask them at the next Community Convention."


    The Community Conventions were mandatory monthly gatherings of all the youths and their caseworkers. Being in Castro Youth Housing meant jumping through hoops and regular check-ins. I don''t mean to seem ungrateful. Particularly with the benefit of hindsight, I am grateful for those hoops and rules. They gave my life structure. I didn''t realize at the time how much I appreciated that sense of regularity.


    Also, Castro Youth Housing provided pizza with vegan alternatives, so the meetings were always well attended, and the attendants were well satisfied.


    "Yoshimi Battles the Pink RobotsPt. 1" by the Flaming Lips was playing on a nearby portable stereo. I saw Faerie and Alex sitting together alone, and I asked to sit next to them.


    "Oh yeah, you''re that geek who thinks Ironman would win against Batman in a cage match," Faerie taunted.


    "In a sudden death match, no doubt. But Bruce Wayne would beat Tony Stark if he had time to prepare a strategy and study Ironman''s weaknesses," I shot back and took a seat.


    Faerie just rolled her eyes, and I was already off to a bad start.


    Alex was friendlier this time. "Hey, Bastian. Don''t mind her. She''s in a mood."


    Faerie immediately stood up and walked away from Alex and me without another word. Alex watched her leave but didn''t react.


    "What''s a matter with her?" I asked.


    "None of your business," Alex said calmly. That shut down conversation for several minutes. I ate in silence until Deon, a large young Black man, sat down next to me. We lived on the same floor and met sitting in the hallway, each of us jumping on the wifi of the cafe downstairs. We would sit for hours together, surfing the internet, playing games, and talking about stuff.


    "Mmm!" Deon boisterously exclaimed. "You know I love pizza, but I LOVE free pizza. Can you taste the freedom? Here, smell it. Delicious, delicious freedom. I look forward to this every month. Y''all have no idea. I get to hang out with all my people. There''s food, games, and people. Oh my God, I love people."


    Alex scowled. I laughed with Deon and said, "Not me. I''d rather be home. People are the worst. Pizza is great, though."


    "I know! People suck, and I need them! I''m cursed!" Deon laughed at himself. "Y''all have no idea. I sit in my apartment alone, and it''s like I''m a plant without sunlight. But people are awful!"


    "At least they''re entertaining," I said. "And every once in a great while, people are the best." I smiled and ate my pizza, and bumped my shoulder into Deon''s shoulder. A grim and comforting silence followed. Alex looked at our warm and easy candor with piqued interest. The chatter of twenty other street urchins distributing Apples to Apples cards rang like ambient music in the background. Faerie returned to sit beside Alex.


    "Apples to Apples. For the fifth month in a row," she said dryly.


    "We gotta get these folks some new party games," Alex said to her.


    "Chile, don''t you dare speak ill of Apples to Apples! I love this game," Deon was animated and delighted to see Faerie. She lit up with his infectious enthusiasm and leaned in to rejoin.


    "Apples can be fun, but we''ve gone through the deck several times. There are lots of fun games out there. I can prove it. Come with Alex and me to Totally Awesome. It''s a board game store in West Portal. On Thursdays, they let you open any board game and play it. It''s totally awesome! Alex and I go every week. You can come, too, Ironman," she said mockingly. I jumped in my seat.


    "Thanks! Actually, I wanted to invite you all on an adventure. Have any of you heard of the Humdrum Institute?" I said in a low voice, so only the four of us could hear.


    "Uh, I have not," Alex said with extreme skepticism.


    "Nope," said Faerie.


    "Me neither," said Deon.


    "It sounds boring," Alex concluded.


    "Yes, it does," I said. "But I promise it''s fun. It''s like a scavenger hunt through the city. There are clues all over. You''d be amazed! And it''s free!"


    "Okay, can we just pause for a second," Deon interrupted. "Because I want to acknowledge this is the greatest conversation I''ve ever been in, and I want to thank you all for including me in it."


    "Thanks, Deon," Alex responded. Faerie and I agreed. Deon jumped back into the conversation.


    "But what about this scavenger hunt? You have my undivided attention." Deon turned his chair to face me better. Alex and Faerie looked at me too, and I laughed and blushed.


    "Okay. I''ve only gone through the first chapter, but I''ll go again, and I''ll only help if you all ask for help. The adventure begins in a generic-looking skyscraper in the Financial District. You get a map there and follow its directions."


    "That sounds like a lot of fun," Faerie observed.


    "It is! I''m not kidding."


    "When is it?" Alex asked.


    "During normal business hours, usually. We can go after the conference, even."


    "And it''s free?" Deon repeated.


    "Yes. At least the first chapter was free. I can''t say if the entire game will be."


    "I bet the last chapter costs money," Alex said. Faerie agreed. "Probably, but we can walk away then. It sounds fun. C''mon, let''s go," she said to him, and Alex relented.


    Deon cheered loudly. I cheered silently. We all finished eating and then ghosted to the Humdrum Institute.


    It was only a mile from the LGBT Center to the Financial District, but San Francisco was riddled with steep hills. Deon demanded frequent stops to collect his breath and wail and threaten to collapse and die, but we made it to the skyscraper that could have been any skyscraper by midday.


    The woman at the desk on the 18th floor was different, but her name tag read Aubrey. Like Nathan did for me and my group, I stayed back and let Alex, Faerie, and Deon decipher the key. Alex took the lead, and we found the 1960s business-style room without incident. The TV clicked on, and the disembodied voice repeated its surreal call to arms.


    I ignored the voice, having heard it before, and examined the room''s contents more closely. Bookshelves were lined with encyclopedias of drugs and metaphysics, books on alien abductions, sightings, crop circles, and UFOs. Other topics included mysticism, spell books, catalogs of fantasy creatures, and studies on parallel dimensions. The books were secured on each shelf to prevent theft. All the furniture was bolted down. The glass cabinets encased an ornate opium pipe, a picture of Timothy Leary, and objects with symbols holy to Eastern religions.


    By the end of the recording, all three of them were wide-eyed with excitement. Deon couldn''t contain himself and practically squealed as we returned the key to "Aubrey."


    Faerie was also jubilant playing the game. She looked beautiful and happy in the sun, her turquoise hair blowing in the wind as we climbed down the fire escape.


    Alex led the team expertly. He read the clues aloud and gave everyone time to respond. The three of them together were whip-sharp and deciphered every clue without my help.


    For my part, I tried to take Dani''s advice and treated Alex and Faerie like anyone else. I didn''t mention their genders or ask my questions. I wouldn''t force the issue. If it comes up naturally in conversation, I thought.


    It didn''t. Instead, we talked about almost everything else. Our crappy housing, superheroes, Chinatown architecture, pork buns, anime, the zodiac, the zodiac killer, and of course, our present adventure: a mystery revolving around a missing girl named Eve, and vague mentions of a fantastic place called Elsewhere.


    By the end of the day, the four of us were fast friends.


    I didn''t get answers to my questions, but I did get a new idea for my book.


    Chapter 5 - Rowan


    Captain Reynard was much more than he seemed. Firefox, 2288 years old, freedom fighter, terrorist, refugee, leader of the resistance, and a woman. Well, not exactly. Firefox were shifters. Their genders could change on a whim, but Captain Reynard preferred the feminine, and her given name was Rowan.


    Lyn slept while the monkey nestled in her arms. Reynard was exhausted. He''d been on guard since Timothy arrived on Crescent. Something about Timothy left him uneasy. In truth, Reynard was relieved when Arthur sent them away. Rowan needed to speak with Lilith and couldn''t risk Timothy overhearing somehow.


    The Crystal Caverns under Moondial stretched under the island for miles, carved out over millennia, long after the fires beneath Crescent died, back when Inari first rose out of the sea. Rowan was just a child back then, scared to leave her home and start all over.


    Reynard had extinguished his firelight while Lyn slept to conserve energy. The light drew unnecessary attention to themselves. Strange things live in dark places. Already, they had seen acid lizards, cave birds, and insects the size of Lyn''s head. Still stranger things lurk in the blackest pits. They wouldn''t be safe until they reached Sanctuary. At the speed of an 8-year-old, the gate was several hours away. Time to wake Lyn.


    Once she was roused and nourished (with Apple''s assistance), Reynard told Lyn to take out the crystal gem she was given earlier and summon an orb of light, like she did before. It took her several attempts, and much of the stored mana was lost into the air, but eventually, Lyn succeeded in channeling the mana into magelight.


    "For now," Apple interpreted Reynard''s instructions, "focus on keeping the orb aloft and steady while we climb the caverns. I will lead the way and guard everyone."


    And so it was. They were deep below sea level. The rest of their trek would be a steep climb. Reynard led the way and kept a steady pace while Lyn followed close behind, lighting the way. Meanwhile, all around them, crystal formations sparkled in the darkness, hues of green, blue, purple, and silver, twinkling reflections of Lyn''s magelight.


    They continued like that for a long time: Reynard led them along the safest route while Lyn silently focused. Apple hung from Lyn''s back, arms around her shoulders. But Lyn''s young mind often drifted, with her magelight drifting or dissipating. More than once, Lyn lost grip of the thought, and the light almost scattered.


    "Captain Reynard," the monkey shouted as she jumped onto Reynard''s back. "Lyn has a question," she said quieter now, close to Reynard''s ear. "She wants to know why she can cast magic, and if Morgan and Rafael can, too?"


    Apple interpreted from Reynard''s shoulder. He didn''t stop or turn around as he spoke.


    "When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, it cursed them. Original Sin had several consequences. One was random genetic mutations. You see, Adam and Eve were perfect, but they failed God''s test; so evidently, perfection was overrated. With mutations came flaws, and as flaws built up over generations, fewer and fewer humans were born with magical abilities.


    "When Adam figured this out, he gathered all the known magic users to the capital, declared them his ''purest'' children, and gave them land to steward. Now Adam manages their bloodlines like pure breed hounds.


    "Your mother came from a family Adam had ''cultivated'' for centuries to maximize magical potential. So you probably inherited your powers from her. As to your second question, I don''t know if Morgan or Rafael inherited any abilities. I''ve never witnessed them demonstrating magical affinity."


    By now, Lyn''s magelight was greatly diminished. Much of the mana had dissipated into the surrounding environment in the form of heat. Still, for her age and experience, that any collected mana remained was remarkable. But the effort was clearly exacting a toll. Lyn was shuffling her feet and stumbling. Her determination was impressive and earned a smile from Reynard, but the girl needed a rest.


    Reynard summoned a light of his own, a fiery orange sphere, and instructed Lyn to put her light away.


    "The gate isn''t far now," he said, and Apple translated. "Let''s take a break to eat and drink."


    They all crouched around Reynard''s firelight like a campfire. Reynard gave Lyn extra rations. While she ate, Reynard continued her education.


    "It''s time you learned... the truth about me and where we''re going," he said, to Lyn''s alert reaction. She directed Apple to sit on Reynard''s knee to better interpret.


    "When Adam first claimed the islands, we didn''t know what he was capable of. We didn''t know he''d waged a genocidal war on magical creatures for centuries. These islands are so far from the mainlands. No one here knew he could blow up a volcano. Reduce an entire island to a boiling vortex of steam and magma.


    "I survived because I was here on a mission to meet our ancient friends, the cthulians. Adam had been waging war on them for centuries. We hadn''t seen or heard from them in many years.


    "But this was a sacred place. I knew they would come. As they were telling me what Adam had done to them, what he was capable of, he destroyed my home and killed everyone on it. The cave shuddered from the force of it."


    Lyn had stopped eating and looked close to tears, wide-eyed. ''You''re firefox!'' she signed, and as Apple said it, the air around Reynard blurred, and his features changed. His ears disappeared beneath copper-red fur, and two pointed ears grew atop a feminine head. His armor evaporated, revealing a beautiful creature covered in copper fur. Their tail was alive and luxurious, with a white tip. At the tip of each delicate finger was an orange claw. Their eyes were green, pupils diamond-shaped by firelight. Their clothes were emerald-green, mere silken figments of modesty for Lyn''s sake.


    "That''s right," they said. "I''m the last firefox. My name is Rowan." Lyn was dumbstruck, mouth agape. Rowan chuckled.


    It took Lyn a few seconds to process everything Apple was interpreting. Then Lyn shook her head violently, stood up, and shouted for herself. "You lied from the start! Does Papa know?" Lyn had never heard anyone''s voice before, but she knew the principles, and sometimes Apple helped her practice. Her voice was earnest and upset, her pitch wild and erratic.


    Rowan merely blinked. "Of course, your father knows. He''s the one who sent us here, remember? I''m sorry I lied to you, but I had no choice. If anyone else knew, Adam would send assassins to kill me. I''m telling you the truth now."


    That calmed her down. She sat apologetically.


    "Finish your meal. There''s more," Rowan remained unmoved. Lyn reluctantly ate her rations of smoked meats, nuts, dried cherries, and a bread roll.


    "Morgan and Rafael know as well. I''ve been training them since they were your age. Now, I''m going to train you," Rowan said with the loving voice of a stern and powerful mother. Lyn couldn''t hear the tone in Rowan''s voice, but she felt it in Apple''s translated delivery. In that moment, Lyn devoted herself to Rowan for life.


    "Let''s continue your training," Rowan said. "Summon the light from your crystal, and hold it steady in front of you."


    Lyn did as she was told. Overeager, she accidentally poured some of her quintessence into the orb. Silver. The orb grew in size, and the color silver increased in proportion. Lyn felt suddenly tired and dizzy.


    "Careful," said Rowan. "Imagine the ball is a feather, light in your mind''s grasp. Delicate. Don''t hold on too tight, or you''ll tire. Here," Rowan poured some of their quintessence into Lyn''s orb. For a brief moment, Rowan''s fire and Lyn''s light intermingled like two collapsing stars. Fiery gold appeared in Lyn''s light, and the girl''s eyes widened with sensation. Her magelight was now a glorious sphere, swirling with silver and fiery colors, greens, blues, purples, and brown. The crystals around them scattered the lights in a million directions, like living galaxies. Rowan reabsorbed their firelight.


    "Mana is a precious resource, soul mana especially so. Quintessence. The spark that makes you human. Deplete that, and you''ll be depressed, exhausted, and vulnerable to all sorts of ailments. Be careful when using quintessence, and be even more careful when absorbing foreign mana.


    "Not all mana is the same, just as no two witches are the same. Everyone has different limitations and can access different mana. So far, you''ve demonstrated an affinity for lights. Whether that''s the extent of your powers, we''ll discover in time. For now, let''s practice what we know.


    "Try to shape the orb. Separate the colors. Construct an illusion. Get creative with it. This is your spell. It can be whatever you want it to be."


    Lyn closed her eyes and concentrated, and the orb began to take shape. Arms, legs, a head, and a tail sprouted out, and when Lyn opened her eyes, it was a near-perfect-sized replica of her Apple. But colors swirled brightly and erratically along fake Apple''s body like a glowworm of many colors.


    "That''s excellent," Rowan encouraged. "In time and with practice, you should be able to cast convincing illusions. Let''s get going. We''re almost at the gate. While we''re climbing, let your monkeylight run around. Practice duplicating natural movements. It''s harder than it seems. Send the monkey running and jumping, but make it look natural."


    The trio continued their ascent. Apple jumped to the ground and chased the illusion of her, giving Lyn a living example to copy. It helped, but the illusion''s jumps were unrealistic.


    "Apple doesn''t jump that high," Rowan pointed out. Lyn smirked and concentrated, and her illusion grew wings.


    ''Now it''s realistic,'' Lyn laughed, and Apple translated, struggling to keep up with her likeness. Finally, Apple gave up and jumped back on Lyn''s shoulders while the magnificent glowing monkey flew overhead, lighting their path. Lyn stumbled a few times, struggling to command the illusion while watching her steps, but never dropped the illusion. Rowan was impressed.


    They reached the entrance to the gate in short order. It looked like a nondescript crack in the wall, easily overlooked in the labyrinthine crystal caverns, but if you knew where to look...


    Rowan told Lyn to stand far back against the wall. Rowan peeked into the crack, but it was too dark to see anything. They summoned a ball of fire and crafted it into a tiny fox, sending the toy scout into the cave.


    Shit. Eight pale bears were sleeping in the cave, and the light woke them up. They started swiping at the fox, but Rowan couldn''t waste the mana burning wild animals. The fox ran around the cave to distract the pale bears.


    Rowan turned to look at Lyn. The glowing monkey would draw attention, they thought, and then had an idea.


    ''Lyn,'' Rowan signed directly, so the pale bears wouldn''t hear them. ''Your illusion can change size. Imagine stretching the mana. Make the monkey giant size, big enough to scare some cave monsters. I''ll draw them out. You send the illusion to the cave entrance so they don''t run back in.''


    Lyn gave a swift and determined nod and closed her eyes. The illusion grew tenfold. She made it terrifying with gorilla arms and large, protruding fangs, but even so, it was beautiful. And it was perfect for their needs at hand. Rowan grabbed Lyn''s hand and then hurried to hide behind a crystal column, thick and tall like a redwood. Rowan called her firefox out of the cage, and the six pale bears chased it outside. Lyn timed her illusion appearance perfectly, commanding the bears'' attention.


    Unlike the copy of Apple, which was bright and solid, this monstrous hulk was transparent, still shining, but not as brightly. The pale bears weren''t sure whether to fight or flee. Lyn''s illusion slammed the ground pointlessly and roared soundlessly, scaring six of the smallest pale bears away, but two stubborn bears stayed. They wouldn''t concede the home where they had nursed their cubs. Stupid bears.


    Rowan didn''t want to kill them. They had no enmity toward pale bears, but they needed to get into that cave.


    "Run to the entrance," Rowan shouted as they stepped out from behind the crystal column. Their entire body spontaneously caught fire, and two fireballs appeared from either palm. This would be over quickly. Rowan charged the pale bears, and Lyn''s winged-gorilla illusion followed behind. Apple pulled Lyn toward the entrance. But the sight of a flaming Rowan terrified the last bears. They caught wise and chased after their young before anyone was hurt. Relieved, Rowan put their fire out and went to the gate.


    Lyn pulled her light into the dark cave and compressed it even smaller than before until it was the size of Apple''s head, shining brighter than ever, flitting around like a hummingbird. Rowan walked to the back of the cave, grasped a heavy slab of stone, and pushed. The stone door spun on its ancient hinge, and they all squeezed through. Rowan pushed the door shut behind them. Lyn gasped in awe. Apple was dumbstruck.


    The Cthulian Mausoleum, an enormous underground forest. Resting place of the greatest cthulian minds and warriors. A single beam of light shined from a crack in the cave ceiling. The cave itself was massive and exquisitely carved over centuries. Towering rows of coffins on top of coffins lined the walls of the mausoleum. In the center of the cavern was a giant, ancient tree with bright pink and purple flowers whose petals covered the cavern floor like thick snow. Strange birds and animals neither Lyn nor Apple had ever seen before watched cautiously but without fear. A creature that resembled a stag with green and black spots came close enough to sniff Lyn''s hand before backing away, having determined they were no threat.


    Lyn laughed aloud with joy and wonder at the beauty hidden beneath her island home. But her laugh woke something.


    "Who dares enter this hallowed space?!" A voice rang out. Apple jumped, and Rowan tensed. Lyn froze when she saw their reactions, looking around for the source of their distress. Then they all saw it. Out of the giant tree in the center of the mausoleum stepped a forest sprite.


    It was dark purple with green veins, feminine curves, and horns like a stag. The sound of angry, buzzing bees filled the air. Beautiful and terrifying, the sprite lifted both hands, and vines sprouted violently out of the ground and surrounded the three travelers, binding them in place. Lyn began to cry in fear, but Rowan made the sign for ''calm,'' and it somewhat worked to pacify her.


    "Sprigga!" Rowan shouted. "Is this any way to greet old friends?" The tree nymph gasped in surprise, and immediately the vines returned to the ground.


    "Rowan! You''re back!" Sprigga ran to greet them, cloven feet giving nimble traction while bounding downhill. Sprigga and Rowan embraced tightly. The sound of buzzing bees changed to a gentle hum that seemed to radiate from Sprigga''s chest. "It''s been so long, I wasn''t sure if you were alive! What are you doing here?"


    "I''m sorry I''ve been gone so long, my dear. I''ve been preparing for war. Here, I''d like you to meet two of our newest recruits. This is Lyn and Apple," Rowan gestured toward their two small compatriots.


    Sprigga knelt, crossing both clawed hands across their chest to appear less threatening. Sprigga''s anthropomorphized face, with skin like tree bark, rearranged itself into something resembling a smile. Sprigga''s massive horns suddenly burst into life. Bright green leaves and blue flowers with flecks of pink blossomed above her. Lyn was instantly captivated and charmed. Delicately, she reached out to touch one of the flowers, as if a creature this magical could only be an illusion. Sprigga''s laugh sounded like a horse''s whinny, with a voice resembling the sound of wind bristling through leaves.


    "Welcome little ones," Sprigga said, "to Sanctuary."