Chapter 127
“Why did you never tell me.” I implore him, trying so hard to not fall to pieces knowing he’s carried this
with him thesest years, always had me on his body, etched over his heart. It’s so painfully beautiful.
Arrick gets up andes around to beside me, kneeling on the floor so he can turn my face to his with
a hand under my chin, wiping my tears with his fingers.
“It was for me… I didn’t want you to look at it and remember what it stood for.” He has tears in his eyes
too. The momentous weight of this little thing isn’t lost on me at all. Hitting me like a freight train that he
has always loved me, meaning he had never really been able to love her at all. I couldn’t see it any
clearer than I do right now and it’s literally twisting my heart to shreds. Happy shreds, painfully but
good. Crying even though it’s not out of sadness.
“You loved me… Even then?” I sniff to try and curb some of the tears, voice a little rough but he only
smiles through his own.
“I did. Deep down I have always known, Sophs… I couldn’t face it, I was scared. I had so much to lose
by going down this route. You… I had you to lose, and I figured that if I pushed it all down deep and
ignored it then I could keep you the way I had you. Safe and straightforward, no chance of fucking it
up.” He pulls me from my seat and onto hisp, so I can straddle him and curl myself around him, nose
to nose, unable to stop the tidal wave of emotion that’s ovee me.
“Were you scared when you chose to stay with her and made me go?” I lock eyes on his, holding
myself together a little more and needing to understand that night. Needing to know so I can let it go.
He wounded me when he made that choice and I so badly need to understand the why.
“I was…. I don’t deal well with emotional mess. Drama. I felt like my head was going to explode with all
the shit that hit me that night. I did what I do best…. I reversed, locked it all up safe and tried to put
everyone back in their pigeonholes so we could go on and not have to face any of it.” Arrick’s instantly
remorseful, tightening his arms around me and pulling me in closer as though he wants to squeeze it all
away.
“You never thought it was pushing me to leave? Ending us?” I look down between us, heart aching so
much with a conversation we should have had properly a while ago. I have never wanted to address
these wounds after that first night.
“I thought you needed me in your life, enough to get past it. I didn’t think forward to the after, Sophie,
just how to throw a Band-Aid on everything. A quick fix.” He presses his forehead to mine, his breath
on my face, but I can’t look at him while talking about something still so raw to me.
“You hurt me…More than I ever let you see. You made me feel like I didn’t mean anything anymore.”
My voice breaks, waivers, and I sniff hard to stay in control. He kisses my forehead and new wetness
against my skin, knowing he has tears too.
“I know baby. I hate myself for doing that to you, for throwing away everything you do mean to me. I
know how it looked, what it must have done. I can’t stop hating myself for that, Sophs. I thought I was
doing right by everyone and that I would have time to try and salvage something of us. I thought I loved
her, but she was just a safety, a way to hide from what I really felt……. I was terrified of facing that
more than anything. Acknowledging this.” He sounds so broken up, so painfully honest, it fuels more of
my tears as I cling to him.
“So, what changed? Why are you not scared now? When did it all be so clear in the time you
stayed with her?” I implore him, finally meeting his face and seeing pain mirrored in moisture filled
eyes, making me ache so much more. Strangely calming though, and I watch his face, his gentle
expression.
“I lost you……. It was the end of the world for me. I was trying so hard to fix something that I didn’t
even care about fixing, watching myself as though from above and feeling like everything was empty. I
thought it would get easier and then I don’t know…. It hit me one day that I couldn’t do it anymore,
everything was different and I was barely functioning.” He swallows hard, pierces me with such
intensity and wipes more stray tears from my face. “I was here, alone, waiting on her toe, so we
could go for food…. I was channel surfing to find something to watch to pass the time, so my head
wouldn’t be left to stray or think, and that dumb film about Unicorns that you love so much, came on
screen. I remember sitting down and breaking to pieces, like something hit me in the gut so hard,
missing you so much that I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was having a heart attack; it hurt so much. I
wanted to call you… so badly. I tried, and I got that beep tone because you cut my cell from being able
to call you. I stared at it for God knows how long, dying inside, not sure what else to do because I
waited too long and kept telling myself to give you time. Then Natasha walked in and I guess my face
said it all.” He scrubs his own face with his palm and kisses me softly on the cheek, rubbing his nose
against me for a moment. I’ve at least stopped crying, and I am listening, watching him quietly, feeling a
little numb now that I have a little more control, but it still hurts to hear this.
“Is that when you ended things with her? Broke up?” I trace his brow tenderly, wanting so much to
understand and forgive him. I need so badly to forgive him for this.
“We were heading that way from day one; she was clinging on and trying to convince me we could
move on. It should have been the other way around.” He sighs at me, looking like a guy who feels bad
about everything.
“Why didn’t you juste and see me then, I needed you toe and see me.” I lean my forehead
back against his, aching and hating him a little as the memory of those months push through.
Squeezing his shoulders a little with frustration, that he made me endure that.
“I stood outside your building more than once, not sure what I would say if you came out, too afraid to
face you. No clue how I would apologize for everything I ruined between us that night. I finally got up
the courage to wait for you, to take whatever you were going to throw at me. Then I saw you and
Christian together and I figured the worst thing I had been afraid of had happened, that you met a guy
who saw what you were worth and wasn’t about to lose you, wasn’t about to be the idiot I was. I knew I
didn’t deserve another chance. That I’d lost you.…. So, I left. Told myself I owed it to you to let you get
on with your life and be happy. That I deserved that.” Arrick moves his nose to mine, hands tracing my
face as he angles me close as humanly possible. So much tranting in a look. My tears have
stopped, heart still in pain but knowing now how much he loved me, even then, helps me heal a little.
“I missed you so much. I hated that you didn’t try to call me or see me. You just ceased to exist and left
me alone.” I whisper against him brokenly. A new single tear breaking loose despite thinking they were
done.
“You were always in my head, believe that. Every second. I missed you so much that I saw you
everywhere, baby. In every blonde girl on the street, in every Unicorn stuffed toy I saw on disy, every
song or movie that reminded me of you; even passing a sundae store. I wanted to see you, to talk to
you… But I was afraid to reach out and have you tell me you had fallen for someone else. I didn’t have
the strength to hear that, it would have killed me.” He buries his hands in my hair, tenderly holding me
close, two heartsid bare and as painful as this conversation is for both of us, it’s needed. I need to
know these things, feel this out and finally let the past go.
“I don’t get how you could love her, if you loved me that much? … How you could think that you loved
her if you didn’t? Why you even first thought she was someone you wanted to be with?” I tilt my chin to
focus on him steadily, direct in the eye, unsure but ready to hear everything.
“She filled a void I guess; met her at a time I needed more than casual hook ups. I needed to feel like I
was taking care of someone after I stopped taking care of you, and she was a sweet vulnerable girl
who seemed like she needed me. I felt disconnected, and tired of the single life. I missed the
companionship of having you close by …. but at the time I didn’t see it was rted. I guess looking
back, I tried to rece you with a pr opposite who would not be out of bounds to love.” He frowns;
my heart constricting as I try to digest what that even means. So heavy with so much going on inside of
me that I am struggling to breathe normally, my hands trembling.Content rights by N?velDr//ama.Org.
He chose someone who was myplete opposite on purpose because he felt like he wasn’t allowed
to have me?
“But we weren’t anything back then and you still had contact with me. You always had me.” I watch him
carefully, trying to understand how he could think that’s what he did. Trying to understand what she
ever was to him.
“I moved away, I wasn’t getting to see you as much, because of life, school. Work and training made it
harder to drop everything to see you and I didn’t even know that’s why I felt so fucked up. I thought I
was just tired of dates and random hook ups. I couldn’t see the connection, Sophie, so I couldn’t
understand how emotionally invested I was with you. You saw how I reacted when you told me you
loved me, I was so far down the path of denial I couldn’t think straight.” He nudges me with his nose
and gently kisses the corner of my mouth, stroking my face once more. His voice so low and husky, still
sitting in darkness and lit only by candlelight, our food forgotten and this moment so much more intense
than I ever imagined it could get.
“You never really loved her the way you thought you did? Why did you choose her then? That’s what I
can’t seem to get my head round, if all of this here shows me that you always loved me, then why did
you choose to be with her that night in the club?” The tense ache in my tone, the pain in my words. He
sighs against me so very sadly, watching me and keeping me wrapped up tight in hisp.
“I grew up watching how much Jake hurt my parents, Sophs, when he went off the rails after my dad’s
affair. He made an art form of living impulsively, using women for his own ends, and hurting people in
his wake, because he didn’t give a shit about anyone except what he wanted to do. I love my brother,
but I didn’t love the pain he caused in those years or the chaos he left in his wake, and I never wanted
to be that guy. I didn’t want to be my father either, when he chose sex over my mom, threw away her
love for something new and exciting, and I felt like it’s what we were doing. That somehow Natasha
would be like hurting my mom, the way my dad did. It’splicated; Messy, and I don’t even know how
to exin. I thought I could fix it, so no one got hurt and I would still be the guy everyone relied on,
everyone trusted. I kept telling myself it wasn’t right to be with you that way and I had a world of
reasons holding me back…. Fear being the worst. I reacted, didn’t think it through, couldn’t face reality I
guess.” We rest our heads together, both lost in our own little mind bubbles in this moment, both
thinking through all that’s been said.
“I know that should make me feel better about her. I know all of that should help me sort my head
out…. I just ... I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.” I’m frustrated, iling at whatever my head is
trying to formte and feeling so very tired from all of this.
“I should have seen what we were, and I should have chased you…Regardless of Christian. I hate that
I lost that time with you. That I let my head stand in the way of what my heart wanted, more than once.”
He kisses me tenderly, capturing my mouth with his, healing so many little wounds this conversation
has opened, making me feel cherished with such a simple act. When he breaks away, I regard him
warily, a little secret I know I should tell him while we are sharing this kind of truth.
“I saw her, in the bathroom,st night. She spoke to me, kind of.” I look away from him and swallow
hard. Feelingpelled to confess, seeing as he is being forthright about everything. And she is
obviously the subject right now.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His hand wanders up to y with my hair and I shrug, unsure as to why I felt I
couldn’t really. I guess knowing how he gets when I react the way I do. I’m hoping after this
conversation I might start to feel differently about her, knowing how long and how deeply he has always
cared about me this way, always loved me. Just that thought alone can make my heart soar above the
wounds he inflicted on me.
“She was upset and angry and a mess. It wasn’t exactly an enjoyable conversation and I kept thinking
that she is me, six months ago. The train wreck drunk girl in a club, dressed to attract any guy that
cares and not giving a shit about how she behaves, because she’s in pain. I just kept thinking…I did
that to her.” I nce at him, the tears biting my eyes, guilt racking my gut.
“I did. I did it to both of you, without meaning it with either. Where do you think the guiltes from
when ites to her, Sophs? Knowing that you got the way you did because of me, and now she’s
pretty much reliving yourst two years. I’ve been trying to help her, dealing with her father’s insurance
company over his med bills, trying to get her to calm down and stop being so reckless.” He seems so
utterly deted, that making all my jealousy and stupid doubts about him even more unfounded, the
guilt heavy within me.
“Does she call you toe get her…. Like I used to do.” I watch his face steadily, knowing the nights I
am with him he has never gone, but I don’t know how many nights that I am not with him that he maybe
has. Not that there is many anymore, he is pretty much a constant bed fellow because he likes to
cuddle up with me. Regardless, I tense as I watch for his response.
“She called a few times, usually when I’m with you. I tell her to go home, Sophs. I have never gone out
and picked her up the way I did with you. I am not that dumb, it would only give her the wrong idea.”
Arrick stands up, pulls me with him so he can properly pull me into his embrace, wrapping his arms
around my waist, snugly against him so I cany my head on that strong naked chest and listen to his
heartbeat as he golds me tight; his face on top of my head.
“Does she think that if she does, you’ll maybe go back to her?” I squeeze him questioningly, trying so
hard to put to bed all the emotions surrounding him still letting her linger.
“I don’t know what’s going on in her head. I’ve told her more than once that we will never go back. That
I have already moved on. I think she’s not coping and this will eventually get better as she starts to get
over me. I think her dad’s cancer has pushed her to the edge to be honest, and she is not herself right
now.” He sounds distraught and as much as I still want to tell him to cut all ties with her, I can’t. Part of
me sees the mess of her in my head and feels responsible, part of me looks at how much he feels the
guilt of how she is and know it would be worse if I forced him to make her leave us alone. So torn.
Selfish and insecure, yet I get it. I know that he loves me now, always did, it should be enough to not
care about her in our life anymore.
“I don’t want to talk about her anymore.” I tighten my arms around him, back to pressing my cheek next
to delicious skin with its slight scattering of hair. Lost in how he feels. Still exhausted but feeling more
human after some food and a lot of honesty. Somehow knowing more about what he felt for me back
then helps me let go a little of the hurt I have been harboring.
“Me either… This day is about you… and us. Want to go back to bed, take a nap, watch a movie? …..
Have sex?” He grins cheekily, nudging me coyly, even if there is still a hint of seriousness in his tone. I
know that he is still lingering on the things we have said, covering it with attempts to get me back in
bed. I love him all the more for it.
“Sounds good to me… Maybe not in that order though.” I nudge him suggestively, bumping into his
groin naughtily, equally willing to end this far too intense moment and lighten back up.
“I’m not going to just assume I can have sex on tap now that we crossed that hurdle… But I will keep
angling for it anytime you’re up for it. That was too good not to.” He grins and leans in to kiss me hard.
Breaking away when we are both breathing a little heavily, angling for sex with a kiss that steamy. I
ponder his expression, catching that little tiny hint of tension still there.
“I want you to be normal with me, don’t over think it, or ovepensate… I don’t need handling with
kid gloves. I want you to just, you know, seduce me anytime your horny. I want to be like any other girl.
I want to be normal too.” I lock him dead in the eye with every ounce of seriousness I can muster, so
sure about this little fact. I don’t want him policing his urges and attentions towards me, I want the
groping, ass pinching and feeling up ire and James do to one another. I want him to pick me up
caveman style and drag me to bed when we’re in the middle of dinner or a movie. I want to feel like he
can’t keep his hands to himself and has to have me at any given time. I think it’s what I need more than
anything.
“You’re not like any normal girl though… You’re my girl, special and beautiful and way outss any girl
I have ever known, baby. But. you will maybe regret letting my libido out, I have been behaving myself
for far too long and don’t think you should set me loose without boundaries.” He chuckles, running his
fingers through my hair before cupping my face and leaning in to kiss me lightly on the lips.
“No boundaries…. I trust you. I’ll tell you No if I don’t want to. I want you to be like you would if I was
any other girl you were dating.” Arrick presses his forehead to mine, kisses me again and then lifts me
up under the arms so I am the same height as him. He looks at me for a long moment,plete
adoration crossing that handsome face before he breaks into the cutest smile, with full dimples on
show and melts what’s left of my heart.
“In that case…. I’m getting you naked and showing you exactly what else I can do with my mouth and
hands.”