Chapter 102


    “I deserve that and more, Sophie. My life is nothing without you. You have no idea how many times a


    day I think about you, how much it eats me up every second that I made you leave me. How much I


    just want you back in my life, even if I only get to be friends.” He’s still sniffing back tears, making my


    heart ache harder and I am trying so hard to hold myself together. Guilt adding itself onto the list of


    crazy feelings and emotions piling up in my head. I am close to hysteria and about as near the cliff of


    insanity as one can get before leaping off.


    “You didn’t make me leave you. You chose someone else and then told me to go. There is an


    enormous difference. You can’t undo that.” I throw back, my voice equally ravaged with raw pain and


    tears, so it hurts my throat, losing all the resolve to stay aggressive and angry and bing more and


    more weak and childlike, reverting to fragility I rarely show. Body in defensive mode and moving back


    anytime he tries to step nearer, knowing I am letting him see me more vulnerable than anyone has for


    months and hating myself for it. He looks like he desperately wants to grab me but is trying to keep his


    cool and give me my space. I know I can’t let him touch me or I will fall to pieces and give in.


    “I didn’t choose her … I chose to do the right thing and trying to fix all of it, my heart was always with


    you. It still is. I just didn’t know it until you were gone that I would never be able to fix anything. I never


    thought about what would happen if you never let me near again, Sophie. It’s killing me. I can’t function


    anymore, and I can’t keep living every day hoping that I find a way to see you again.” He rubs his


    hands through his hair, wiping his face and takes deep breaths as though trying to control his own


    emotion and failing. Every single bit of Arrick Carrero that he is famed for has slid away into oblivion All


    the cool and calm mannered, emotionally impassive, it’s all gone and I’m not sure I can handle him like


    this.


    “What did you think would happen? That I would stick around, and go back to how it was? That I would


    y happy families with you and her?” The manicugh that bursts through my tears makes me realize


    how dumb this whole conversation is getting, were in the middle of our street, not concealed, and


    everyone can see us if they want to. I storm past him back to the garden, not even sure why and he


    follows close on my heels. I don’t owe him my time to even let him talk this out, yet I can’t seem to stop


    myself from wanting to hear what he has to say without it being so public.


    “I don’t know … I figured I would fix it, have both of you and no one would get hurt. That I wouldn’t be


    the bad guy like my dad was when he hurt my mom with an affair. I didn’t think it through Sophie, I


    thought you would still need me and would still be in my life. I thought our bond would save us. I


    reacted to what happened and then I thought you needed cooling off time. I never thought you would


    just cut all ties with me and that we would just be over; that I would actually lose you.” He stops when I


    spin on him,plete sarcasm washing over my face, pure disbelief that he could be that dense.


    “I did still need you, but what was there for me in that? Why would I stay? I told you I loved you and I


    wasn’t going to sit and watch you love someone else!” I shake my head at him, unable to fathom how


    his brain works and step away when he reaches for me again. I lift my hands as if to warn him not to


    touch me. My heads so screwed up, he has me crazily upside down and all messed up that I don’t


    know if I should beughing, crying, raging or leaving. I told myself I would never let him do this to me


    again. I am so fucking stupid.


    “I know … I know that now. It’s all I have thought about for weeks. You are all I think about, constantly,


    Sophs. I was stupid, and crazy to ever let you go, the biggest jackass in the world. I miss you, so much


    I’m going out of my mind. You have to believe that! When Jake told me you didn’t want me to contact


    you anymore, it almost ended me. He told me there was maybe a guy and I didn’t know what else to


    do, so I stayed away as best I could. I know I fucked up, that I no longer had a right to be anything to


    you; I have lived with it every second, of every day for months and hated myself for being so fucking


    dumb.” His red rimmed eyes are focused on mine, still full of tears and nothing but genuine regret. It


    hurts too much to see. I want to hate him so badly.


    “Missed me so much that you just let me go, right?” I turn away, my soul still crushed and tears not


    subsiding. Hatred and anger trying so hard to stay with me, in a mind that is starting to fall apart.


    “No! I came for you when I couldn’t handle it anymore and I saw you with Christian. I felt like my heart


    was being ripped out of my chest and I left. I couldn’t bear to see you happy with someone else,


    knowing that I literally let the best thing in my life go when you offered me everything. You have no idea


    how much I regret it. I have never stopped wanting you; you’re ingrained in my soul, you’re a part of


    me. I made a mistake, one that has been ruining my life ever since and if there’s even a glimmer of a


    chance then I’m going to jump on it, because there’s no alternative for me. I fucked up everything that


    mattered to me when I let you go.” His voice like mine is shaky and hoarse, two souls in pain and yet I


    can’t stop the anger burning inside, even though a part of me is aching to forgive him.


    Always torn when ites to him and exhausted with the effort of keeping this all together. My head


    and heart at war between sorrow and rage and I’m on a precipice between needing him and hating


    him. I want to believe, to let his words heal and count but I also can’t, because he tore me apart and left


    me alone when it mattered. I turn my back to him in a bid to give myself a little time to get control, to


    breathe slowly and calm my sobs, but his warm hands slide over my shoulders making me flinch and


    freeze like a statue.


    “What makes you think I will even care now? That any of this means anything to me anymore?” I shrug


    his hands off my shoulders and move further away, so his touch won’t sway me or burn me. Wiping my


    face to dry the sodden mess and I jut my chin out defiantly. Trying hard to regain that fire.


    “I have nothing else to lose. Without you, nothing means anything anymore. I won’t let you go again


    without a fight. I know you, I know when you’re hurt you push people away, and that’s what you’re


    doing now, so I won’t let you do it. I know it’s what I deserve, but knowing there’s no one else. You’re


    meant for me, you were always meant for me, Sophie. I see that now.” He pleads, his tone destroying


    me and it only makes my tears fall faster and heavier, unable to dry them at all.


    “Until you think you have me and suddenly you don’t know what you want anymore, right? Or you get a


    case of guilt again, or cold feet. You’re drunk. Go home. I don’t need this.” I sob quietly. My body


    trembling with the wracking pain churning inside. My fight dying because he has me emotionally


    drained and bereft and my hatred has walked off with a shrug. I’m so lost and broken.


    “I love you! I’m in love with you! Every tiny little fiery, hellcat, difficult, yet beautiful part of you, and


    every part of me wants only you. It’s not alcohol Sophs, it’s in me every second of every hour, every


    day, and it never stops. Anytime I see you it only serves to remind me how badly I’m suffering. How


    stupid I am. I knew I loved you as soon as I lost you. That’s never going to change. I’m not confused


    about this anymore. My heart left when you did, and I don’t want it back if it doesn’te with you


    attached.” His voice breaks, and I nce back to see fresh tears on his cheeks, ones which mirror


    mine and it only strengthens the defiance inside of me. I spin on him usingly, so much sorrow killing


    me inside that all I have is my fury about what he did to us.


    “You’re an idiot … you had me! You couldn’t see what was in front of your face. Why would I listen


    now? Why would I let you have the power to cut me open again? To hurt me like you did, over and


    over. Just go away. You don’t deserve me.” I break again, hating everything about this, everything he’s


    saying to me. That inner girl who feels like he is never going to be able to fix what he did to me


    because he has no understanding of how deep the wounds go. The betrayal. I turn away again, unable


    to keep looking at that distraught beautiful face, knowing I can only hate him when not faced with how


    much I still want him.


    “I know. I have no excuses, only how sorry I am, how much I regret all of it. And I do Sophie, I am… I’m


    so fucking sorry.” He catches me and turns me back to him, ignoring me when I p and shrug his


    hands off. He doesn’t let up, just holds on and keeps pulling me gently, relentlessly, until I finally give in


    to his tugging and turn, trying not to look him in the eye. I lose all my fight and will as sheer fatigue


    consumes me.


    “Just leave me alone.” Tears pour silently down my face, body giving up on me as everything saps the


    last ounces of my energy and makes me empty. I’m losing my fight, losing the fire and it’s being


    reced with a broken mess of emptiness. There’s nothing left.


    “Tell me you don’t love me anymore and I will.” Arrick breathes my way, his face crumbling to reveal a


    world of pain, eyes greener than I have ever seen them, his voice broken. I nce up at him defeated,


    my tears continuously finding their way down my face, despite trying so hard to hate him. I have never


    seen him like this and for a second it calms my chaos to a softer hue.


    It’s not him, it’s not who I have always relied on him being. My strong, emotionally calm rock. I hate that


    I have made him cry, hate seeing tears running down that wless face. I don’t want to see him cry.


    “Stop it.” I plead, trying to turn away from him, pushing his hands down as he keeps returning to hold


    me again. He’s not giving up, clinging to me, and making it clear he won’t back down or walk away. He


    has that stubborn Carrero air about him and it’s only tearing down my defenses. Reminding me of the


    boy who dragged me out of myself so many years ago, when everyone else had given up trying to


    breakthrough.


    Belongs to (N)?vel/Drama.Org.


    “Tell me that you no longer feel anything for me, and I’ll walk away, Sophs. I’ll leave you alone knowing


    that you no longer see me that way. That I really did lose you.” He urges me, heart on his sleeve and


    voice raw and I want to tell him I don’t give a shit anymore, that I don’t love him, but I can’t.


    I don’t want to say words that aren’t true, no matter how much he deserves them, no matter how much


    a part of me thinks it’s what he deserves to hear. I want to hate him, hurt him, wound him for every


    second of pain I have endured at his carelessness with my heart. I just can’t, because I’m not that way


    and despite all he’s done to me, I do still love him. I never stopped needing or missing him, despite all


    of it.


    I shake my head at him involuntarily, almost as though answering even when I am trying so hard to tell


    him to leave me alone.


    “Why are you doing this?” I plead brokenly, willing him to stop torturing me and release me so I can go


    back home.


    “Because I need to know, I need to hear you say you don’t love me anymore, in any way. I can’t risk


    missing even the tiniest hint of hope that I can get you back.” His moisture-filled, almost green, eyes


    prate mine with so much fear that it almost kills me.


    “You’re an asshole. You don’t deserve my love.” Are the only things I can say as the gulf of tears open


    up again and I end up sobbing in front of him, crumbling inside at where we are and how we got here.


    So much pain I have been bottling up for months that I refused to let out for fear it would never stop,


    and it chooses now toe tumbling out. I close my eyes and cover my face with my palms. Hees


    around me as he pulls me into an embrace, his arms tightening around my waist and shoulders, his


    face finding its way to bury into my neck. He almost squeezes the life out of me with a hug so strong I


    almost can’t breathe.


    “You’re right. I am an asshole, Sophie, and so much more. I am so fucking sorry for what I did to you, to


    us. There are no words to tell you just how sorry I am. How much I regret every second of this. I love


    you, that’s all I have, and I mean it. One hundred percent, hand on my heart, I will swear on the lives of


    everyone I care about, that I love you, Sophie Huntsberger, in the way you once told me you loved me.”


    Arrick grips me tighter when I try to push him away, crying hard, unable to stop it and unable to fight the


    arms on me. He isn’t letting me go, no matter how hard I push, and it exhausts me to try. The wetness


    from his face against my neck, and the way he’s breathing shallowly proves to me he is as emotional


    as I am. Crying against each other for the pain caused by each other. It’s ridiculous in a really sad way.


    Why did you have to tell me you loved me now? Why not months ago before you ruined me?


    “Don’t do this to me.” I plead softly, unable to reign in my weeping, breaking apart in his arms, unable to


    control the fight of fire and sorrow and losing my war. Arrick lifts his face to mine, pressing his forehead


    to me, pulling me so I can’t look anywhere but at him, through a haze of blurry tears. Every ounce of


    my battle armor sliding away, weakening and leaving me exposed.


    “I need you … I want you back. I’m a mess without you. I love you so much that I literally can’t breathe


    anymore, and I want to be worthy of your heart again. I won’t stop trying to put the pieces back together


    if you let me in. Let mee home to you.” He’s equally fragile, begging me, and I really do not know


    how to react. I’m torn to a million pieces, fighting an internal tug of war of fear, hurt and confusion.


    “You hurt me! You broke me, and then you left me alone.” Is the only thing I can whisper, usingly,


    crying not subsiding as his thumbes to brush my face and I impulsively push it away. He doesn’t


    break his hold, just brings his hand back and tries again, patiently. This time I don’t bite back and let


    him wipe some of the wetness away, closing my eyes at his familiar touch and hating that it still feels so


    right on my skin.


    “I know, baby. I despise myself for every part of that and what I did. I’ll never hurt you again, I’ll never


    leave you alone again, I swear. Just give me a chance please, let me fix this. Let me try, Sophs. I’ll do


    anything. I love you. I really, really, love you. An all-consuming lost to everything but you, kind of way,


    which I will never recover from and I don’t want to recover from it.” He pleads softly but I keep my eyes


    closed to block him out, try so hard to reign in control of everything letting loose. Unable to think


    straight when he is all around me, consuming me and I don’t have anything left inside of me.


    Emptiness, excruciating cramps coursing through my stomach and churning me up inside.


    “I hate you.” I sob brokenly with no real conviction, as though I’m saying it to him after a stupid


    squabble or idiot thing he’s done in the past. The way ites out sounds so juvenile and Sophie of


    old.


    “I know you do.” He whispers softly, tilting my face to him with little resistance and leans his forehead


    against mine, testing to see if I’m going to push him away again, but I know I’m weakening. He’s


    always been the only one who got through my pain and helped me get past it, even though he’s the


    cause now and I want him to make it all stop. I want him to pull me from the dark and find the light once


    more; just wipe away the agony like he has done so many times in the past.


    His mouth finds mine softly, cautiously; his lips warm and soft as they meet tear-drenched skin. His


    noseing to nestle beside mine as he presses us together, my body held tight in his embrace, and


    this time I do not react with rage. I let him kiss me, softly, slowly, finding my mouth and lips opening to


    him despite every voice in my head telling me to push him away.


    I am so confused as to what I want. He feels like my dreams, his kiss holding the possibility to push


    away so much pain and I want to stop hurting. I’m lightheaded from the amount of emotional turmoil


    racking my body and still swaying from being too drunk, and nothing in this seems like a bad idea


    anymore so I let myself go.


    His hand finds its way to my throat, cupping gently, fingers sliding into my hair as he maneuvers his


    body around me, his height lower as he tries to get every single part of him in contact with my body.


    Holding me against his mouth so the kiss neither stops nor progresses. It’s like he is breathing every


    part of me in, holding me here to imprint me to memory and I give inpletely.


    So lost to how it feels to be back in his safe embrace, every familiar thing about him surrounding me


    and begging me to give him a chance. I have always been defenseless when ites to him and


    yielding is like breathing when he is the one asking for it.


    I melt into him, my mind a whirring mass of confusion and fear and my own will telling me to push him


    away, but I can’t. Arrick is my weakness, he has been since the day I met him and all fight and anger


    dissipates as his hands slide around my face, cradling me in and teasing my lips open with his own. I


    surrender to the soft warm sensation of the most perfect kiss I could ever imagine, my own hands


    sliding around his neck as something inside of me ignites and I kiss him back surely.


    Arrick seems to take my submission as a sign to let go, pushing my mouth open and caressing my


    tongue with his; the fire between us spiking and moving into an almost immediate fever from nowhere.


    Fueled by everything we have brought to the surface and months of separated loneliness and


    heartbreak. We both cling to one another, kissing passionately, moving into something more satisfying


    than mouths moving in unison.


    The arms around my waist tighten as he pulls me up against him and off my feet, as my arms and


    hands wrap around that strong neck and wide shoulders, tangling my fingers in his shirt cor and


    trailing nails up the short-cropped hair at the back of his neck. I lift my heels behind me in mid-air.


    Losing myself in him this way is the only thing I want to focus on, a break from my exhaustive and


    whirring emotions. Consumed by a hunger that obliterates everything else and I don’t want it to stop.


    We’re both panting, kissing hard when I flinch at the hard, stone surface against my back as he


    presses his body against me, having backed me into the wall of the house and it seems to free the


    animal in me without warning. As though every thought and objection dissipates and all I have is a


    burning desire engulfing me. My fingers carelessly rip at his bow tie and push his buttons open at his


    neck, discarding it with no cares as to where itnds. Arrick moves from my mouth to my neck, trailing


    nibbles and kisses along my throat, sending my fever pitch sky-high as I angle to let him have full


    ess, weakening physically to the burning touch of his mouth on my throat.


    My legs find their way to slide around his waist of their own ord and my dress rides high so that I am


    pressed fully to him. Arrick’s strong hands holding me up under my thighs as his body presses me t


    against the wall, concealed by garden shrubs. His body feels so good, his mouth scorching me to


    insanity and the aching burn between my legs pushes all my demon buttons as I w at his shoulders


    in a bid to get his jacket off.


    A car passing close by alerts us to the fact we are still outside, very exposed, and shamelessly dry


    humping in a ce anyone could stroll upon. Snapping attention back to reality as he drops me back


    on my feet, headlights skim above our heads over the bushes as he stands in front of me to conceal


    me from anyone who may be nearby. Arrick doesn’t say anything. He’s breathing hard and lingering


    close to my mouth, his pupils huge with sheer lust and mouth poised ready to kiss me again. He slides


    my dress back down around my thighs, holding onto me, staring at one another for a long breathless


    moment as he puts me to rights. I gaze at the mouth I want back on mine, the way he feels against me


    and ignore the voices trying to break through this haze of horniness.


    “I want you, more than anything I have ever wanted in my life, all of you, baby, let me show you how


    much.” Arrick’s voice has some strength again, all thoughts of talking this out, fixing mistakes made,


    pushed aside in the face of this unbridled hunger. We’re both too fueled by champagne, burning with


    passion to think beyond the physical. I nod,pletely unable to formte words anymore as desire


    consumes me. Willing to follow him anywhere as long as his body is the reward.