Chapter 36


    The past twenty-four hours just prove that he is still the only thing that can make this ache subside …


    Because this ache is for him and him alone. Arrick devastated my life when he walked away, just like


    he devastated my heartst night by leaving my room.


    I break down in tears as logic overrides naivety.


    “I can’t be … He’s in love with Natasha … He’s taken … He’s not in love with me. This isn’t true or…” I


    wail brokenly, something inside of me snapping into ce and realizing that Emma is onto something


    after all. Emma has hit the nail on the head, and I was too stupid to ever see it.


    All I can think of is the years of memories with him, the trust and bond between us. The happy times


    and shared moments; the bad ones and how he wiped away my tears. The pain I felt when he told me


    he was leaving, and the hatred when I met Natasha for the first time and realized this one was different


    for him. She wasn’t temporary. The overwhelming pettiness and dislike for a girl I assumed just


    annoyed me endlessly, while all this time it’s been heartbreaking jealousy because she has him in a


    way I never can.


    This is property ? of N?velDrama.Org.


    The past eighteen months of simultaneously pushing him away with my behavior to punish yet clinging


    to him with need. I have spent the entirety of his rtionship with her trying to regain my hold on him in


    stupid ways, smug when it works, devastated when it doesn’t. Lashing out at him for it, and it’s all


    bing painfully crystal clear to me in this face-pping moment of rity.


    The way everything was turned upside down in my life slowly after he was gone, and trips to see him


    were less frequent as his life got in the way. I started pulling away from him, rejecting his care and


    wisdom. My own life lost any sense of purpose, and I slowly drifted into obliviousness without him as


    my grounding force. I cannot deny what is hitting me square in the face with resounding force as it


    clicks, rendering me speechless and numb.


    I am in love with my best friend.


    And I never even knew it.


    “We take this from another angle … We don’t deal with the past issues again; we deal with how you


    feel about him and give you tools to cope.” Emma is moving into counselor mode, mentally working out


    a route of therapy needed, and dealing with the problem like a checklist of things to do. Cutting out the


    emotional side and just focusing on this as a problem to ovee, as she does with her charity kids,


    but her noise is almost non-existent to me.


    All I can do is keep running over and over in my head all the reasons I cannot be in love with him and


    meeting all the blinding obvious answers that I am, and probably have been for a long time. Too


    stupidly blind and immature to even realize it. It’s all too much while she carries on acting and talking


    like this is some simple problem that a few therapy sessions can fix, and not the absolute worst tragedy


    of my entire doomed life.


    I shake my head violently, standing fast and unaware of when I even sat back down. I scrape the chair


    across the marble floor loudly. Words fail me as tears pour instantly and my head bes a blurry


    mess or conflicting chaos. This is too much to handle.


    “I can’t … I just need … space.” I try to breathe, gulping air as a full-blown panic attack hits me like a


    punch in the gut and I’m not prepared for it. It had been building up and now consumes me with all the


    aggressive violence of having a stic zip-tied bag over my head. I try and gulp in oxygen, fear


    gripping me so tight my stomach tenses and I struggle to get anything at all. My lungs constrict, like


    they are about to copse with the effort and my heart begins to hammer. I could be trying to breathe in


    sand right now as it would have the same effect. Everything starts to darken, arms sy out


    desperately, trying to catch onto something in terror, as it hits me hard.


    I’m pulled to Emma’s touch on my wrist and then on my arm, her heat by my side, but all I can see is


    panic inducing darkness as the room closes in on me.


    “Take slow breaths, Sophie. Slow and easy, try to calm your breaths and breathe through the attack.


    Lean down, head lower for me like a good girl.” Her voice is distant and faint like she’s so very far away


    in the darkness. I try to cling to her voice in the haze, but there’s only burning pain and terror that I’m


    suffocating slowly, sure I am going to die as I just cannot inte my lungs at all. Emma’s armse


    around me, guiding me down to my knees on a cold surface and then my forehead is on the cold t


    too, and I lose any sort of orientation about how my body is. For all I know I could be hanging upside


    down by my legs. Dizziness and blinding fear having consumed me, so that my senses do not know


    what’s up or down, or even where I am anymore.


    “Sloooow. In and out … don’t try and fight against yourself. Stop gasping and try to aim for one inhale.


    Listen to my voice, just focus on me and not everything going on inside your head.”


    Emma’s voice is around me; pure concern crying out in every precise word. Emma has dealt with my


    attacks in the past and hasn’t seen one in a long time; neither have I, and I seem to have lost the ability


    to get through it myself. I cling to her voice, her directions, and the calm presence she is being for me. I


    slowly manage to get a few quick gulps of air, and then a few more. The ckness pushing back as I


    start to gasp in enough to be able to inte my lungs partially.


    “Can’t … love.” I struggle to formte what I feel, reverting to another bout of struggling gasps to fill my


    lungs again.


    “Don’t talk … Just breathe and try to calm yourself. It’s going to be okay, Sophie. You’re going to be


    okay. It will pass.” Her serene and grounding voice is all that’s holding me steady as the haze lifts with


    more oxygen in my lungs. I realize I am kneeling forward with my face on the floor, and her body is half


    wrapped around me protectively. Seeing the gray marblee into close focus and getting my


    bearings once more, I notice the pools of water by my nose, small little puddles of tears, and it seems


    so ridiculous for a second that I giggle. I don’t even know why, other than relief that I can inhale once


    more, and I no longer think I may ck out. “Keep breathing, slow and steady. Good girl … That’s


    right.”