Chapter 157


    Jane


    As I walk through the sterile halls of the hospital, my mind whirls with thought. Grief and despair are


    closing in fast, but l’m trying to hold onto my anger instead. Fury will keep me going enough to get


    through the difficult days ahead. If I let myself feel this – if l sumb to this agony, I might never


    recover.


    How am l going to tell the pups? l know they don’t have any idea how much things have changed


    between Ethan and I, but this still isn’t going to be a fun conversation. After all, I did tell them that


    Daddy and I would be taking them home, it’s not going to be easy to walk that back. They were upset


    about the idea of being separated from Ethan even before the kidnapping, and now they need as much


    love and stability as possible.


    I don’t want to break their hearts, and telling them the truth about why we’re going home alone would


    do exactly that. I can’t beat for them to know that Ethan doesn’t want them, especially not after


    everything they’ve been through. That leaves me only two options.


    Either I can say that Ethan and I discussed it and agreed this would be best,or l can take the me,


    and tell then that I decided to take them away despite their father’s protests.


    However the more I think about it, the more l realize the first option isn’t truly viable. If this was some


    amicable custody agreement, the pups would expect to be able to say goodbye to their father, to still


    visit him on asion. It would imply shared custody… and that’s impossible. In truth, the only path


    forward to protect them from Ethan’s rejection, is to make myself the bad guy. They know our history


    now, they understand I might have reason to take them away and cut off contact – or at least as much


    as any child canprehend such things.


    The metaphorical knife that Ethan drove into my heart when he rejected me slides even deeper as I


    realize what I must do. I want to feel sorry for myself – as if it wasn’t bad enough that my mate tossed


    me out like yesterday’s trash, now l’m going to have to lie to my babies, to tell them a story that will


    probably make them hate me.


    My stomach roils, and I detour into the nearest restroom to vomit, wondering how I’ll ever survive this.


    How can it be that living without Ethan feels so impossible now, after I got along without him for so


    long? Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. I think stubbornly.


    If I start crying now I won’t stop, and then the pups will know something is wrong. My wolf is howling


    non-stop in my head, and despite that fact that l’ve been wishing for nothing but the ability to be a


    parent to my babies again for nearly a month, right now I wish I had the freedom to curl up into a little


    ball and weep.


    Instead I flush the toilet, rinse my mouth and wash my hands, then stalk from the restroom with my


    head held high. I find the pups in the hospital’s waiting area, gathered around Linda as she reads one


    of the picture books scattered over the coffee tables. They look up when l enter, and before I can say a


    word they’ve leapt from their chairs and are charging my legs. “


    Mommy!!”


    I kneel down to meet them, pulling their beloved little bodies into my arms and squeezing them so


    tightly that they’re soonining. “Mommy l can’ breathe!” Riley exims in exasperation.


    Having them in my arms – willingly or not- fills me with pure warmth, and I feel my broken heart flicker


    with life. “I’m sorry angels.” l apologize after a moment, releasing them, “I’m just happy to see you.


    “Don’ listen to hers.” Paisley instructs me, cuddling closer. “I likes tight hugs.”


    “Me too.” I share in a whisper, giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Can you squeeze me back just as tight,


    until l can’t even feel my limbs anymore?”


    Paisley giggles and tightens her hold, soon followed by the others, who are only too eager to get in on


    the game. “Is that tight enough, Mommy?” Parker asks with a giggle off his own.


    I shake my head. Tighter, I can still feel my feet.”


    All four begin applying so much pressure that I actually do begin to struggle for breath- but that might


    have just been Ryder’s arms around my neck. “Perfect.”


    l announce hoarsely, kissing them again. “Are you ready to go home?”


    “Yeah!” They exim in unison.


    “Then let’s go.” I smile, rubbing their backs as I pull this ce.”


    “We’re going to get on the very next ne out of away.


    “Yay!!!” They cheer, dancing around and pumping their tiny fists in the air.


    “So soon? Linda asks, standing from her chair.


    “Yes.” I confirm, trying to keep the emotion from my voice. “Ethan arranged it.”


    “But surely he’s not ready to be released?” She inquires, shocked.


    Sighing and trying not to feel annoyed by a perfectly reasonable question, I answer. “He isn’t. He isn’t


    coming with us.”


    The pups, who naturally have been listening to every word, freeze. “Daddy’s noting?” Parker asks,


    C*g his head to the side.


    “No, he bought tickets for the five of us so we can get home as soon as possible. I’m not sure how


    much longer he’ll be here” l confess.


    Linda’s brow is furrowed in confusion. “You’re not going to stay to see him through the recovery?”


    I hate feeling so frustrated with my friend when she’s doing nothing wrong. Linda has no idea what’s


    just happened, and unlike the pups, she knows exactly how attached Ethan and I became on this


    journey. It makes sense that she’s confused. At the same time, I wish l could tell her to put a sock in it.


    “No I rey simply, shooting her a pointed look to try andmunicate that I’ll exinter.


    “Then, he’singter?” Riley asks, c******g her head to the side, trying to wrap her clever little mind


    around these developments.


    For a moment I pause, grappling with the right thing to do here. If I tell them home means the Dark


    Moon pack and that Ethan isn’ting at all, I’Il have a quadruple tantrum on my hands the likes of


    which I’ve never seen. It will be impossible to get the pups onto the ne. lf, on the other hand, I wait


    until we reach our destination to break the news, I”ll still have a tantrum, but the hard part will be over.


    Technically Ethan will be returning to the Nightfang territory at ater date, so it wouldn’t even be a true


    lie.


    Can I do such a thing? Can I tantly trick my pups to avoid the hassle of traveling with a pack of


    severely distraught four-year-olds? Is that the most selfish n in the world? Then a new possibility


    urs to me. If I tell them that we’re going to the Dark Moon pack and that Ethan won’t ever be joining


    us, they’ll undoubtedly try to go see him, they’ll want to convince him toe with us, to overrule me.


    And what then? Will he break their hearts as badly as he broke mine? Will he tell them he doesn’t want


    them?


    I can’t take that risk.


    “Yes” I confirm, before l can think better of it, “now hurry and get ready, the car will be here any minute.


    “But we wanna say bye to Daddy.” Paisley objects.


    “I’m sorry, there isn’t time.”‘ l answer, hating myself more and more with every word I say.


    Linda’s looking at me with tant suspicion now, gather your things kids, I wanna say goodbye to your


    Mommy since l’m staying with Uncle Eric.” She pulls me off to the side, lowering her voice to a


    whisper.”Jane, what are you doing? You’re not pulling a runner are you?”


    “No l snap back, more fiercely than I intended.I can’t bring myself to look her in the eye, and I can feel


    the tears threatening. “It’s the opposite.”


    She frowns, “what?”


    “I’m not leaving him” l rify, “he’s kicking me to the curb.”


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    Linda’s mouth falls open in shock, “No-not possible, you must have misunderstood:”


    “1 didn’t misunderstand” I hiss, despising her in that moment. “Trust me, he was very clear:”


    “But the pups-” Linda objects.


    “Trust me, Linda, if you’ve thought it, I’ve said it.” I counter, swiping angrily at my eyes. “Now I love you,


    and l’ll call you when we’re home, but we have to go now.”


    Linda gives me a hug, and I sweep the kids into a taxi and jet off to the airport. The trip is long and


    boring.


    And i find myself counting down the moments when can lock myself in my room tonight after the kids


    have gone to bed and cry. It’s so grating to be surrounded by so many people, and I feel like I’ll unravel


    at any moment. Of course this isn’t the worst. The worstester, when we’re finally back in the


    Dark Moon pack and I have to break the news to the pups.


    They don’t realize anything is off until the taxi pulls up outside my apartment building. I suppose all


    airports look alike to children, and they’re really just along for the ride, following my directions and not


    overthinking the pilot’s announcements or anything else whiches to pass.


    Paisley doesn’t recognize her surroundings, but Riley, Ryder, and Parker certainly do. “Mommy, what


    are we doing here?” Ryder asks, his sweet face crumpled in confusion.


    Taking a deep breath, I reply. “l have to tell you something.”


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