Book 17: Chapter 37


    What have I done? Elizabeth threw herself onto her soft bed in a dispirited manner. She wrapped her head up with her pillow. She muffled her voice with her bed as she muttered, What have I done? I was so embarrassed I was shaking, but why did I do it? Why did I do that to my son? A mother shouldnt do that, should she? Why? Why did I do that?!!


    Elizabeth hugged her pillow and rolled around on her bed. It had been a long time since she frantically rolled around on bed. Besides the first time she was too harsh on her son due to her anger and nervousness, she always felt that her rtionship with her son was good., she always felt that her rtionship with her son was good. Though she didnt dare to do what Vyvyan did, she no longer felt so embarrassed when she was intimate with her son.


    Elizabeth asked herself, Why did I do what I just did, though? Why did I do that in the afternoon?


    Elizabeth raised her hand. She spaced out as she looked at it. Her sons warmth and hardness still lingered in her palm. She had a little whiff, but there was only a faint aroma on there. Nobody noticed what she did to her son.


    Elizabeth questioned herself: Why did I do that? Just because my son sat on myp and I had a sniff of him, I lost control of my urges. I literally wanted to jump up and hold him as I did at night. Is it because Ive found joy in sex? Hes my son, though! Why do I feel that way? Could I have fallen in love with doing it with my son?


    Also, I cant believe that I was exasperated because Nier and my son were happy and blissful. Im jealous of NierWhy am I jealous of Nier? Shes my sons wife Im his mother; why am I angry about that? I should be happy. Could I have could I have could I have


    Elizabeth then loudly eximed, Aaaahh!!! Stop, stop, stop, stop! Inard! Inard! Inard! Elizabeth, youre Inards wife! He may have passed away, but you cannot ever forget Inards love for you!


    Elizabeth rolled over. She began to recall her joyous days with her husband in the forest. She met the boy who loved her for the first time in her teens. She sincerely loved him. The girl and boy ran to their hearts desire in the forest. Underfoot were leaves. Next to them was the familiar sweet scent in the forest. The young girl tightly held the young boy. She turned her head around with a happy smile then yelled, Troy!


    Hmm?!


    Elizabeth returned from her memories. She frantically looked left and right as though she was a wife trying to catch her husband cheating. Nheless, there was no way thered be anyone next to her. She dropped back onto the bed and heaved a big breath. She hugged her nket and pitifully spoke to herself: Why did I see my sons face? It was supposed to be my memory with Inard. Why did I see my sons face.? Stop, stop, stop, it shouldnt be this way, it shouldnt Inard Inard


    Elizabeth desperately tried to recall Inards face, the face of her former lover. Elizabeth began to converse with herself in her mind: Ive never forgotten how my husband looked, so why is every scene I see with my husband reced with Troy? Why has Inard, the man who upied the important part of my heart, been reced by my son?


    Its because Troy is too simr to Inard. The two of them look the exact same. It must be due to their resemnce that Im mixing up the two I feel apologetic to Inard for this, but seeing Troy is the same as seeing Inard, so its fine.


    Inard has passed away. Troy is my most beloved Son. Hes thest and most precious gift Inard left for me. I must protect him but but why have I begun to feel jealous when I see my son and Nier? Stop this isnt right How can I look at my child that way? This is inappropriate


    But but Inard and Troy are the same. Im also a woman. Im a girl, too. I, too, want to have a man I can depend on by my side. My son didnt look reliable before, but I can now see that hes an exemry man. Will I be moved..? Do I feel this way due to him resembling my husband too much?


    Elizabeth stood up. She irritably scratched her head. Her son had slept with her for thest few days, which provided her with the bliss of a peaceful sleep without dreams and without having to rely on sleep medications. After letting her son have his fun every night, hed fall asleep with her. She also woke up in a great mood every morning.


    Thats probably why I look pretty My son is sleeping with Nier right now, though. Nier might be dancing on his hips right now for all I know My son is rolling around with Nier on the bed I once slept on. Thats thats thats assumed Elizabeth.


    <em>Bang!</em> Elizabeth punched her bed railing, cracking the exquisite wood. Elizabeth looked at her hand astonished.


    Elizabeth continued talking to herself: I havent been so angry in a long time, have I? Its been a long time since I felt an overwhelming urge to kill. It was just for a moment; but nevertheless, the violent urge to kill was nostalgic and its perplexing. Do I want to kill Nier, my sons wife?


    Im jealous I cant believe that Im jealous of Nier. I was never jealous of her in the past. When did I start to feel so jealous of her? I think I think it was when I was in the North after I set up the temporary small shed and had that unforgettable night with my son where he confessed to me? Or was it on that night in the Imperial Pce that my sonter forgot? I dont know. I can feel my rage and jealousy, nevertheless. Im an Empress.


    Elizabeth knew herself very well. There was no way she wouldnt know why she was angry and jealous. She was jealous of Nier.


    Elizabeth said to herself, I seem to have fallen for Troy the same way I felt about Inard. Why do I feel this way, though? How can I feel this way? Im his mother! It should be his wives responsibility to love him. What am I trying to do? Is it because hes too simr to Inard? It appears I need to separate from him for some time; otherwise, I might do this sort of thing again Doing that is just too shameless!