Book 4: Chapter 26


    After dinner, mom called me as soon as I stood up. She wiped her mouth, looked at me and said: : Son, are you free tonight? How about sharing some drinks with mommy? Mommy is free tonight.


    Mom, tonight I


    Son, how much longer are you going to continue putting up this front?


    Mom sighed and continued: Didnt mommy tell you already? When youre tired, just ask mommy to spoil you. Son, do you think mommy cant tell? You dont want to do what youre currently doing at all. Son, you are putting up a front and forcing yourself to do something you dont want to do because youre different to mommy.


    I looked at mom, clenched my fists and sternly eximed: Im not! This is what I want to do! This is what I did!


    Mom smiled helplessly and then said: Son,e to mommys room. There are some things that are better said as we drink.


    Alright.


    I rxed my hands, looked at mom and nodded. Mom stood up and Nier came out. She followed behind us as we headed to the inner court. Perhaps its my imagination, but I keep feeling that Nier is looking at me. However, every time I turn around, Niers gaze is always trained forward.


    Once we arrived at the inner court, mom pulled the door to her room open and we entered. Nier bowed and said: I shall go and bring the wine over, and then closed the door. Mom sighed, took off her coat and threw it aside. She then turned around with a smile and said: Dont stand on ceremony, son,e and drink with mommy.


    Mom sat on her bed and patted the spot next to her.


    Alright but I want to know what you want to talk about, mom.


    I removed my cape and ced it aside before sitting down next to mom. Mom affectionately hugged me as she stroked my head and said: Son, mommy doesnt want to say anything in particr. Its just that mommy noticed that you were so worn out so mommy wanted to help you rx a bit. Mommy isnt talking about physical fatigue, but mental fatigue.


    Mom! I told you, I


    Shh Son, let mommy finish.


    Mom suddenly extended her finger and ced it on my lips. She then smiled as she looked at I who was desperately trying to speak, tilted her head and continued: Let mommy guess, you want to say that theyre things youre willing to do, that you dont want to be the same you of the past, that you want to take revenge and that you want to change, right? Mommy knows~, mommy understands. Youre mommys son, so mommy knows whatever youre thinking.


    Your majesty, your wine is here.


    Nier pushed the door open and came in. She ced a small table and the wine in front of us before bowing and leaving the room and closing the door. Mom let go of me. She filled up the wine-cups with white wine and said: This is spirits from the desert. Mommy really likes it because once youre drunk, youll be able to forget about everything.


    I raised my wine-cup and clinked mine with moms before finishing it in one go. The wine went down my oesophagus and into my gut, lighting up all of my cells and blood like I drank fuel. When it reached my gut, it felt like a de was grinding against my gut. I could feel my eyes burn and go numb. That caused me to suddenly tear up and for my body to be hot.


    Cough, cough cough, cough, cough!!


    I covered my mouth as I coughed.


    Are you alright, son?


    Mom patted me on my back and then refilled my cup. She then raised her cup, looked at the wine in it and said: It feels like drinking a de when you drink the first cup of this one. But the second cup onwards feels like drinking water. Its not that its weak, but because your throat has be numb by then.


    Cough, cough Mom this wine is hot.


    I think this wine is already sixty-degrees for sure. The only simr wine Ive drank before is Cao Yuan Bai. I looked at mom. My head was spinning. I had no idea what mom was saying.


    Mom looked at me and finished her wine in one shot. Mom wasid back as if she was drinking water. In fact, her face didnt even go red. Ive never actually seen mom drunk. Mom ced the wine down, looked at me and said: When mommy was young, mommy was also a young girl, no different to girls now. Mommy liked pretty dresses, stole moms make-up, learnt to sing and dance, but a few yearster, mommy killed another human being for the first time.


    Mom


    Did you think mommy was willing? At the time, mommy was hurt and sad too. Mommy desperately tried to wash mommys hands, but it felt like the blood wouldnt wash off. However, mommy couldnt rest or stop because there was more people mommy had to kill out there. Mommy wanted forgiveness. Mommy didnt want to drink wine from a skull, but mommy had no choice as there were countless people behind pushing mommy to advance. Mommy wore the mask of an empress until now. And now, mommy can no longer separate from bloodshed.


    Mom tilted her head upwards to drink more wine. She smiled bitterly and said: Son, you must know that a mask can help you achieve your goals. Youre wearing the mask of the prince just as mommy wears the mask of the empress. I know what youre like deep down. Youre gentle and kind. You must be suffering as you do these things. But were all also aware that we have to continue once we wear our mask on.


    I looked at mom and clenched my teeth. I withstood the pain in my gut and seriously said: Mom mom, I truly must continue like this.


    I no longer knew if the pain I felt in my gut was due to the wine or what mom said. I no longer knew if the tears on my face were because I coughed or because of my suffering.


    However, I didntpletely agree with mom. Every choice I made and the resolve I formed in Lunas arms were like that. Perhaps this wasnt my nature, but I wasnt suffering too much either.


    Thats right I wasnt sad at all I never thought about the consequences that woulde out of my decisions


    If thats the case, you couldve just squandered all of those stores or framed them up. But instead, you bought their stores off them for three-times the price. Son, you just used money so that you wouldnt hate yourself. Son, mommy understands. Mommy treats mommys soldiers so generously in order topensate for the pain mommy witnesses when soldiers fall. Son, masks are very useful, but if you wear them for too long, itll merge with your original nature. Itll merge with your skin and be part of your flesh, stopping you from removing it forever.


    Mom ced her wine-cup down and pushed the table away. She then gently hugged me who was dizzy. She sighed at the sight of my tears that wouldnt stop and ced my head onto her thigh. She gently stroked my head and softly said: This is what it means to mature. Son, maturing means slowly bing the person you dont want to be. Son, youre just like mommy. Mommy understands you, your thoughts and the suffering you feel. So when youre by mommys side, you dont have to act tough. Use wine as a means of letting it out. Go ahead and cry. Hug mommy. Take your mask off when youre with mommy.


    I Im not I I


    My tears flowed out uncontrobly. My entire body quivered. I felt numb and relieved at the same time. I didnt know why I was like that. I didnt know why I was so sad. I didnt know why I felt so wretched. I didnt know why I felt so rxed either. It was like the tension on the bowstring finally went away. I breathed in moms scent while crying tears of joy and pain.


    Thats just how I am This is my true nature This is how I am I willingly changed into how I am now. I swear I will continue on like this


    Mommy understands, mommy understands.


    But why? Why? Why could I not hold back my tears when mom touched me?


    <strong>Glossary</strong>


    *Cao Yuan Bai is a type of white wine in China, thats 60 degrees whiches from Mongolia.