Chapter 0169


    Iy back on my bed for...way too long. Justying there, frustrated, staring at the ceiling.


    | am also exhausted — | know this by the fuzz that | feel in my brain, the lethargy taking control in my limbs, and my very slightly


    grumpy mood. It’s been...one hell of a 48 hours, if I''m being honest with myself. From my very tense movie night with Daniel,


    to...everything yesterday, in the stables with Kent. And thenst night, with Ivan?


    | groan, my head spinning to think that that all happened in such quick session. And frankly, | haven’t gotten much sleep


    throughout all of it — at least not the deep, peaceful sleep, alone in my cozy bed that | know my body is craving.


    So | sigh, turning over and slipping under the covers, not even caring that I’m naked, intent on just getting some rest —


    But when | do put down my head, curling up on my side and pillowing my cheek against my hand...


    Sleep eludes me. God damn it, but | just can’t stop thinking.


    My eyes fly open and | purse my lips together, frustrated.


    I''ve just got way too many unanswered questions on my mind. Sighing, | flop onto my back and stare at my old friend the ceiling


    again.


    What the hell am | going to do?


    Or, beyond that, who do | even like?


    It feels like a ridiculously sophomoric question — who do | like — when I''m trying to decide between the heads of two serious


    crime organizations. But it also feels incredibly important that | answer that question — right now — or | am going to be in one hell


    of a situation very soon.All rights ? N?velDrama.Org.


    Because | know myself — | know that | can’t juggle both of them, at least not for long. | don’t think it’s in me to be...what,


    polyamorous? Non-monogamous? Whatever the right term is, | know that | can’t handle it. Even though my whole life I''ve been a


    no-man kind of girl, | know in my heart that if | am romantically involved with someone, | want to be a one-man kind of girl. One


    person to whom | can really dedicate my affections and who makes me feel safe.


    The question is: who is that? Kent? Or Ivan?


    Or, frankly, someone else? The Prince Charming I’ve always wanted, but who | just haven''t found yet?


    And what about Daniel, who is offering me...well, not romance. But a solid, happy life with my best friend. Less tumultuous and


    confusing than what Kent and Ivan offered, for sure. Daniel is right - some people get together for passion and then are


    disappointed when it fades. Daniel and | could have a very happy life together. What was so wrong with that?


    | groan, not wanting to make a choice, and certainly not wanting this many choices. But despite my recalcitrance, | find myself...


    thinking about these options, turning them all over again and again in my mind.


    Kent, with his dark intensity and that anger deep within him that blows on some sort of coal within me, coaxing it to me. Kent,


    who lifts me as easily as if I’m a kitten and pulls me hard against his body, making me feel safe and warm and wanted in his


    arms.


    Or at least | thought he wanted me, until he wouldn''t look at me today...


    | dismiss that, though — | knowing,


    deep down, that Kent wants me,


    which is an assurance | don''t really


    have with Ivan. | have the proof_o


    Kent''s desire -tyesseenitim Struggle


    aginstiit for weeks, seen him write


    up that ridiculous contract in order to


    build walls between us, walls


    designed to keep him safe, not me.


    And a veryrge part of me wants to


    break those walls down, to see what |


    find behind them all. A little thrill runs


    through me at the idea of Kent


    loosed from all of the restrictions he


    ces on himself. Please read the


    original content at NovelDrama.Org.


    What would it be like to see him unbound. What would it be like to be with him, totally unleashed...


    | blush, thinking of it, and then


    wonder — is that what | like a


    Kent? Th challerat, bre than Kent


    Hoa oon feeling guilty,


    because frankly — it’s the opposite


    with Ivan. Please read the original


    content at NovelDrama.Org.


    | like lvan because — as far as | can


    tell — he gives me himself ona


    tter. There are no walls, n om


    mystery = just hignsi , funny self.


    Spi en | think of him, which |


    don’t do when | think of Kent — a


    smile that echoes the thousand


    times that lvan has made meugh


    so hard my face aches. Please read


    the original content at


    NovelDrama.Org.


    Isn''t that, really, what one is looking for? That kind of connection?