Beauty 93


    Chapter 93 – Asher


    I flung back my office door, my head still a mess from my alteration to my dreams… I was used to


    vivid dreams. Of course I was. My nights had been gued with visions of losing I ever since she


    had gone. Causing me to relive the moment time. and time again. Feeling the pain as the bond


    snapped. Feeling her slip away from me, and the pain as my heart felt like it. shattered into a million


    pieces, as Zion crumbled inside of me. Never to be the same again…


    But, now, this was something else. This was a dream to betray my fated mate. Betray the woman I


    had been blessed by the moon goddess. I had awoken wanting Bailey. I had woken thinking I was


    about to take things further with her, and the thing that terrifies me most, is that thought in that


    moment, that was exactly what I had wanted. I had been incredibly turned on. I had wanted her.


    Wanted her touch. Needed her touch. I was


    disappointed and terrified all in one go…


    I had dropped back onto the bed, with tears leaking from my eyes at the thought of what it all


    meant. What it meant for I. Did that mean I had to let my beautiful girl go? No. I could never do


    that. She had been made for me. She had died because of me. Had she not been mine, she would


    never have been in this pack. She would never have been in harm’s way… she would never have


    lost her life…


    The pain ripped through me at the thought. She had been meant for me. She had died because she


    was mine, and I should honor that. Me wanting another woman felt so wrong. I felt like I was


    betraying all we ever had. Being disloyal to our matebond,


    despite the fact she was no longer here to respect it would be the wrong thing to do, in spite of what


    my body thought it wanted…


    She had been gone seven long, lonely years now. Seven long years without my mate. Seven long


    years of pain. But, they would never be enough for the sacrifice she made in being my mate. For, in


    choosing to be my mate, she had chosen a life here. Which cost her her life.


    Just as I stepped out of the main door of the packhouse, I saw Eden pushing her stroller with the


    new baby. Her face lit up at the sight of me. “Hey Ash!” she greeted me, and already I could see she


    was so much more at ease now the baby had arrived.


    I attempted a smile in her direction, but knew I failed miserably when she looked concerned. “You


    okay?” she pushed the stroller a little closer to me. “See, little Freya wants to know if her Uncle


    Asher is okay?”


    I nodded. “I will be fine.”


    “Come on, we are going for a walk.” She told me.


    “Eden, I am busy.” I told her.


    “Doing?” she eyed me suspiciously, and rightly so, because I had been about to go for a walk to


    clear my head, seeing as Caleb had been back in the office today, apparently desperate for a break


    from the kids. Though from what I understood, Matty was spending the day fishing with his


    Grandpa.


    “Fine, I was going for a walk.” I rolled my eyes at her, knowing she had already worked it out.


    Chapter 93- Asher


    “Well, I shall join you.” she told me. “Assuming you aren’t nning to shift?” I could so easily lie and


    tell her I was, but in truth Zion has buggered off since the dream and is refusing to speak to me. He


    is hurting more than he wants to let me know, I think. Which truly doesn’t help me in anyway…


    “Whatever Eden, you are about to anyway, I assume.” I told her with a shrug.


    She simply grinned. “Come on then, Mr Cheerful. You want to push?” she offered me the stroller,


    but I declined. We walked alongside one another in silence, but I could feel her eyes upon


    me.


    “Eden, if you need to ask something, will you just do it? Because you are making me ufortable


    by keeping looking at me like that.”


    She chuckled. “Something is bothering you Ash. I would swear you looked ready to cry before.


    What has happened?” she urged me as we sat on the wall overlooking the pond at the far side of


    one of the many gardens in the pack.


    “Shit.” I muttered, not really wanting to admit to anything.


    “Well, why not tell me?” she asked, as she checked on her daughter.


    “I will manage.” I shrugged.


    “Looking at your face, and the mood you have been in ofte, I would say not. Has something


    happened?” she asked yet again. “Are you struggling with things with I again?” she reached for


    my hand. She knew how much I struggled with the loss I felt from my mate dying, not to mention the


    guilt I battled too.


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    Chapter 93-Asher


    I smiled sadly. “I guess you could say it is to do with that.”


    “Oh Ash.” She leaned her head upon my arm. “I would hate that you are struggling, you know


    that. She also would never see you as to me for what happened. That was not your fault. That


    was the rogues, and you know it was. Nobody knew that was going to happen. That could as easily


    have happened in her old pack before she came here.” She told me, and I know her words. They


    are familiar to me by now.


    This is a conversation we have had so many times before. One of the reasons Eden and I get along


    so well, is she and Caleb were the ones there for me when I lost I, and they saw the effect it had


    upon me. They saw how damaged I was bing, yet they never gave up on me.


    “What if I am breaking Eden?” I whispered, and I felt her raising her gaze to look up at me.


    “In what way, Ash?”


    “I feel like I’m falling apart. Like things that I should know, or I feel like I do know, are all in doubt


    because it feels like my own mind is in doubt. Like I can’t trust my own thoughts. I can’t trust my


    own logic. Like I can’t trust my own mind. My mind is a mess, Eden. Things are slipping out of my


    control. I don’t like it.” I told her, trying to put into words how I was feeling, and I saw the fear upon


    her face.


    “Your anger?” she questioned, but I shook my head. Strangely, this time it wasn’t my anger. That


    was still there simmering, of course. I doubted if that would ever go away. But my mind was


    overtaken with doubt ofte. A doubt that I was struggling to trust my own judgment. It was making


    me question every little thought I had. Every decision I made. Whereas previously I was


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    so sure of myself, now, I doubted each thought…


    “My thoughts. Mymitment. Loyalty. Devotion.” I found myself admitting, in spite of the shame it


    brought me to say it.


    “That makes no sense, Ash. Who to?” Eden is stroking my hand softly. “You mean to I?” she


    questioned quietly.


    I raised my eyes to meet her beautiful blue eyes. One thing that I know Caleb cannot resist about


    his mate. So unusual and rare, and truly beautiful, and something their children had inherited. I


    slowly nodded, tears filling my eyes.


    “Oh Asher!” She reached up and stroked away a tear that had slipped down my cheek. “Your


    loyalty, devotion andmitment to I had never been in question, sweetheart, and it never will


    be. You have mourned for your mate for seven years. You searched for the rogue that killed her for


    a year after…” her voice faltered as she looked up at me.


    I looked down, not wanting to think about that. Those hadn’t been my greatest moments. I wasn’t at


    my best, of that there was no denying. It was no wonder my pack feared me at times…


    “But, why do you think it is in question? Has someone been on your mind?” she probed gently, no


    judgment in her tone, though I feel she likely knew the truth. She had seen herself how I had been


    around Bailey while she was the hospital.


    “Eden, please, I do not want anyone to know about this.” I told her urgently, desperate that this is


    not shared. Gossip had of spreading around this pack like wildfire…


    She smiled, the familiar kind smile of the woman who had be as much like family to me as her


    mate had. “I won’t say


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    a word.”


    “Not even to Caleb.” I warned her. “I am struggling with this enough Eden. My head is battered. I


    don’t need others knowing and asking me things I don’t even know the answer to myself.”


    She nodded again. “Okay Ash, I won’t say a word. But, let me tell you this much, I would not see


    this as you betraying her, nor your matebond. Your love for her will always be there, Ash, but she


    wouldn’t want you being alone forever. You have been. alone for seven years. Do you not think that


    is enough? Seven years of suffering? Seven years of pain?” she softly squeezed my hand. “I


    would never want her Boo to be lonely, especially not forever, Ash.”


    sat looking ahead listening to the words Eden was telling me and, as much as I couldn’t help but


    wonder if she may be right, it hurts to think like that. Hurts to think of moving on. Leaving my mate


    behind…


    But I nodded to acknowledge her words. Smiling sadly across at her.


    “Though I do have to say, Ash, if you are thinking there is


    something there, or there could be, do you not think you should be a little better with her? A little


    kinder? Or else you might scare her away.” Eden says with a yful wink, telling me she is. teasing,


    but her words seem to heavily echo those of Zion, and that scares me a little…


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