Chapter 43: 43 Caraphernelia


    Caraphernelia


    - a broken-heart disease that urs whenever someone leaves you, but leaves all of their things


    behind


    43


    "Tell me to leave." He says.


    I didn''t answer.


    "Push me away. Treat me like aplete shit like how I treated you before." he says.


    I didn''t answer again.


    He looks at me and my eyes couldn''t look away. Oh Nick I can''t do that. Even if you hurt me, I can''t hurt


    you like that cos I love you and I''m too scared of pushing you away cos I know you won''te back.


    "Make me leave Savannah." He added.


    I shake my head, my words are noting out from my lips and I don''t know why.


    "If you''ll tell me to go then I''ll go. I''ll leave you." He continues as I feel his breath on my neck. But I


    shake my head once again.


    His arms were wrapping around my entire body. He''s hugging me close to him that I can''t seem to


    move away cos I love our position. My arms were on my sides. I''m not hugging him back. I don''t want


    to feel anything attached to us anymore cos I''m the only one who''s going to get hurt. I''m the only one


    who''ll cry over this.


    "I just don''t know how to stop myself from wanting you." His lips are moving now, kissing his way up on


    my ear.


    "Then don''t." I say.


    He shakes his head. "But you don''t deserve this. You don''t need this."


    I shut my eyes. I don''t need this but I want this. I''m as confused as you Nick. I know what I want but I


    just don''t know how long will I want it. I don''t know how long I could endure this pain


    His lips moving up on my jaw, giving it a quick kiss then he moves his way to my mouth. He kisses me


    lightly while his hands were both cupping my cheeks. My lips is opening intently for him and I kiss him


    back. I pull him closer to me so I could feel him against me. Here I go again, loosing it just cos he''s


    kissing me. It''s wrong cos this will hurt me more. I know after this thing, it will end ugly like the other


    times but I just want this so much.


    He pauses and looks into my eyes as if he''s looking for a stray eysh. "I can''t give you more than


    this." He whispers.


    "I know Nick. I know." My voice is shaking and I know he notices it too.


    I''m feel like crying again. Damn it.


    "I just can''t." He added.


    But I pulled him in towards me until our lips are kissing again not caring what he said, and not caring if


    it will hurt me. Wepletely devour each other. It''s been almost a month since we saw each other.


    Almost a month since we kissed, touched and fucked. He leads me to the bed while we were racing to


    get each other naked.


    I take a few steps back carefully while our lips were still connected to each other. He pulls out my


    baggy shirt off of me and I help him unbutton his pants while he pulled out his shirt off of him too.


    "Let''s fuck until my feelings are gone Nick." I tell him.


    He pulls out a foil, he came prepared. I smiled during our kiss while I feel from the back of my knee that


    we were close to the bed now. Iy down as I spread my legs wide for him while I watch him licking his


    lips.


    "Are you sure?" He asks.


    I nod. "I told you I''m not stopping this. I don''t want to stop what we have."


    "But it will hurt you."


    "I''ll deal with the pain." I say confidently even though it''s already killing me deep down inside.


    He takes off his jeans along with his boxer brief and his erection springs free. He opens the foil and


    puts on the condom over his length then he slips my underwear off of me. He''s over me, against me


    and the next second inside me.


    Sex. This is just sex. I reminded myself. He''s not giving you the other part of him Savannah. Stop


    assuming and expecting for something that he can never give you cos it''s not there. It will never be


    there.


    His movement is slow, unlike the one from that night. I feel his tip till the end of his length as it goes in


    and out slowly. His mouth finds my mouth and he was kissing me terribly amazing but our eyes were


    looking at each other. Our eyes were open. I''m not closing my eyes cos I''m trying to stop myself from


    loving him too much. I''m not closing my eyes cos I don''t want my emotions to get involve with this. But


    as I look into his eyes while we kiss, the way his eyes looks at me ispletely different from what he''s


    showing and telling me.


    I know you want me Nick. I know you do. I can tell it by the way you look at me.


    My body arches a little as I wed the bedsheets while his hand was holding my waists. I feel him


    gaining speed and more speed. He ms into me deeply for a second then the next he''s pulling out.


    He''s repetitive and his speed is constant. A little voice whispers to my ears that this is ugly. What we


    have is purely gruesome. This is fucked up. This is broken.


    But this is all I want.


    "Don''t stop." I moaned.


    He runs his tongue over my lips. "Not nning to."


    He applies more pressure on my hips when he grabs my legs behind my knees and pulls it up cing it


    in between our chests. It''s a different position from what we usually do and somehow I feel him


    thrusting even deeper inside me.


    "Nick. Oh my God!" I moaned and calling God and even Jesus Christ.


    I''m already pulling my hair cos it''s too much greatness inside. The movement is too good. His lips


    landed on mine and I was already closing my eyes. Our kiss was hard, as deep as he''s thrusting me.


    I''m shaking.


    My legs are shaking.


    My entire body is shaking.


    I''m shuddering and so does he.


    He pushes inside me onest time while his lips is still on my mouth. "Savannah." He''s moaning my


    name against my lips.


    "Fuck." He curses.


    He pulls out slowly from me and we were both trying to catch our breath. "Us. This is so fucking great.


    God."


    I tiredly smile. "I know."


    He shifts beside me and we lie down together quietly. My thoughts were trying to sink in now.


    Me, trying to let him use me cos I''m a fool.


    At least I''m a self-aware fool.


    Him, trying to force himself that this wasn''t more than sex.


    I was mad at him for these past few weeks but one touch from Nick Wilde and it makes everything


    okay, like we didn''t have a fight. What we have is so ugly but I still find something pretty in it because I


    love him.


    I love Nick.


    I don''t know how long will I be a fool for him but I''d be a fool for Nick.


    Only Nick.


    "How will you deal with the pain?" He ask.


    I gazed at him. "I''m not sure how but I''ll try to deal with it."


    He props to his elbow and his face was right above me. He leans over and reaches for my lips, he


    kissed me really quickly. We looked at each other and we were both quiet. The room was quiet and we


    were just boring our eyes into each other.


    "If I''m already hurting you too much, I want you to tell me when you can''t take it anymore cos we''ll stop


    this." He says sternly. It sounded like a warning.


    "Do you seriously want this to stop?"


    He didn''t answer me.


    "This is something great Nick. Though we don''t have anybel. Though we''re not in amitment.


    Though I don''t have any hold on to you but I know this is an amazing thing." I said.


    He sighs. "Why are you enduring this pain? Why do you want this Savannah? You''re letting me use


    you."


    "Because I love you Nick." My voice is shaky now.


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    "And you''re hoping if we keep on having sex I''ll love you back? I told you Savannah, I can''t give you


    more than this. I don''t do rtionships anymore. I just don''t."


    I choke a sob. I''m not letting my tears fall again. I just can''t let him see me cry again.


    "Don''t tell me you love me cos it''ll make me feel guilty." He sits up and starts grabbing his clothes from


    the floor.


    I watch him as he stands from the bed and I try to sit down while grabbing the sheets to cover my


    naked body. He didn''t say anything while he was putting his clothes back. He didn''t even look at me


    when he ced my underwear and baggy shirt right beside me.


    My heart is aching cos I don''t want him to leave me tonight. I want him to be here with me. I want him


    to sleep with me. I try to hold back my tears as I put back my underwear and shirt on me because I


    know something has changed when I confessed to him how I felt. He was watching me while I was


    getting on my clothes and I keep biting my lip cos my tears are already building up in my eyes. I turn


    my back to him and wiped my tears. All of a sudden his arms wrapped around my body pulling me


    tightly against his crotch. He''s hugging me from behind and my heart just leaped.


    I close my eyes and my tears are falling again on my cheeks. My heart is racing now. His arms makes


    my broken heart feel secure. I feel him kissing the back of my head then he bent his down that makes


    his mouth close to my ears. I feel him breathing against my ear.


    More tears are falling and falling on my cheeks. There you go again Nick. Saying the right words to me


    and me as the fool that I am now, is believing and hoping that one day someday you''ll fall for me too.


    Someday maybe you''ll realize that you have loved me once I''m gone in your life.


    He slowly grabs my shoulders and spins me around to face him. He thumbs away my tears. "I''m


    hurting you again." He says.


    I exhaled heavily.


    "Why do you deny it Nick? Why do you say that you''re fucking me? Cos that''s not what I feel when I


    look into your eyes when you''re on top of me. You''re not fucking me Nick. You''re making love to me


    and I know you feel it too the way I feel you when you''re inside me." I say.


    He bends his head down and we grew silent again. He slowly pulled his head up and kissed my


    forehead.


    "You don''t deserve this." he says again.


    "Then give me what I deserve."


    "It''s not from me."


    "I want it to be from you." It sounded almost a cry.


    Both of us went silent.


    "If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah." he says.


    I feel my lips trembling.


    He shakes his head. "But I just can''t give that to you."


    He lets go of my hand.


    "Goodnight." He heads to the door.


    I didn''t answer him. I didn''t turn around to face him. I didn''t want to look at him walk through that door. I


    didn''t want to look at him leave my room, leaving me alone.


    He''s leaving already cos he got what he wanted. He had sex from me and that''s what he came here


    for. Even though it was evident on his face that he was jealous over Dustin, he''s still as hard as a rock.


    He can''t ept to himself that he loves me too.


    "If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah."


    "If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah."


    "If I can only love again, it would be with you Savannah."


    My heart is tearing apart by those words and I keep mentally chanting it. I''m crying harder now that he


    has left my room. Every time I hear those words in my ear, it hurts me even much worst cos I know he


    couldn''t love me. I know he couldn''t cos he doesn''t want love. I''m losing this battle. He''s winning. He


    knows he''s winning.


    __________


    SFTC:


    Use Me - Miguel