Al-though Sobon''s aether was be-gin-ning to set-tle and heal enough for her to be-gin the next stage of at-tune-ment, and al-though Mian ap-proached her want-i-ng to dis-cuss ex-ter-nal qi, Sobon forced her-self to spend the next full day de-sign-ing and get-ting the ma-te-ri-als to make a spir-i-tu-al sen-sor ar-ray. The ma-te-ri-als were the stick-ing point; the sen-sor ar-ray re-quired both an an-ten-na por-tion, for which Sobon''s di-a-mond was an ac-cept-able ma-te-r-i-al, but also a de-tec-tor por-tion, which was some-thing that usu-al-ly re-quired spe-cial-ized ma-te-ri-als--ide-al-ly, high-ly re-ac-tive met-als, but ones just sta-ble enough that they wouldn''t de-cay due to aether ef-fects alone.


    Gen-er-al-ly, in aether tech-nol-o-gy, this was done with very heavy el-e-ments, and the heav-ier the bet-ter; it was a pri-ma-ry use for the transuran-ic met-als, when placed with-in spe-cial-ized sys-tems to pre-vent or lim-it ra-dioac-tive de-cay. Sobon had no in-ter-est in try-ing to find an ide-al sub-sti-tute; the "cheap and easy" so-lu-tion to the prob-lem was bis-muth. It wasn''t quite heavy enough, and it wasn''t quite ra-dioac-tive enough, but its crys-tal struc-ture was com-pat-i-ble with ex-ist-ing de-signs, and its aether in-ter-ac-tions pre-dictable enough.


    Un-for-tu-nate-ly, the lo-cals here had some-thing of an at-tach-ment to bis-muth, since it was also the name and col-oration of a rel-a-tive-ly high qi rank--one just above Sobon''s, now. Or, to be clear--the qi rank was based on the iri-des-cent col-ors of bis-muth ox-ide that forms on the sur-face of the met-al. Ei-ther way, the few peo-ple that Sobon could im-me-di-ate-ly find to sup-ply her with even a lit-tle bit of the met-al were out of stock, and only will-ing to make promis-es in-volv-ing weeks or months and a lot of mon-ey.


    Weird-ly enough, though, this quest had her cross-ing paths with Kibar, and not in any of the usu-al places. He was sim-ply walk-ing by, when he spot-ted Sobon look-ing rather cross as she left a shop.


    "Lady Alas-si." His words were for-mal, if a bit sullen. "You look per-turbed."


    Sobon might have snapped at him, but so far, the man had been harm-less. "I am search-ing for ma-te-ri-als," she said. "Un-suc-cess-ful-ly."


    "Tru-ly?" Kibar glanced at the shop, seem-ing-ly con-fused. It wasn''t ex-act-ly a world-class shop; Sobon had gone to the shops in the Ways of Gold and Sil-ver first, and end-ed up in more of a back-al-ley shop-ing dis-trict by the end. "If I may ask, what is it that you are so des-per-ate to find?"


    "I am not des-per-ate. I sim-ply have a spe-cif-ic use for a sam-ple of bis-muth, and there are none to be found."


    "Bis-muth..." the man frowned, putting one fin-ger on his chin. "Strange met-al, and stranger that it lends its name and col-or to qi, is it not? I have sev-er-al sam-ples, but I have yet to find any mean-ing-ful con-nec-tion be-tween the met-al and any prop-er-ty of qi that jus-ti-fies its pro-found place-ment in the heirar-chy." He looked again at Alas-si, and this time, Sobon could de-tect no trace of the man''s for-mer smug coun-te-nance. "I wouldn''t mind part-ing with a sam-ple, if the Lady would be will-ing to en-gage me in... civ-il dis-course. Noth-ing more than that."


    Sobon did take the time to clear her mind and make sure that there was no spir-i-tu-al sense here that she was walk-ing into some kind of trap, sig-nif-i-cant or oth-er-wise, but the man re-al-ly seemed like some-thing she had said, or some-thing else that had hap-pened to him, had shocked him into a new way of think-ing.


    That is what led to Sobon fol-low-ing the man, with some cau-tion, to an out of the way slum, where he as-cend-ed some poor-ly built but well-main-tained stairs to a very small apart-ment on the top floor of a rick-ety three-sto-ry build-ing. From a ways away, Sobon wouldn''t have re-al-ly ex-pect-ed to even find a three-sto-ry build-ing in the area; a small but deep shift in the ter-rain meant the top floor was only bare-ly taller than the two-sto-ry build-ings near-by.


    Kibar''s quar-ters, as-sum-ing that''s what they were, were clean and spar-tan. Sobon could sense a hid-den chest in the cor-ner that con-tained a pock-et di-men-sion, much like Sobon''s ring and in-progress bracelet, but in-stead of go-ing to it, Kibar wan-dered to a bit of cracked ma-son-ry, and shift-ed it aside, show-ing coins and oth-er small items in a small hol-low in the wall.


    The sam-ple of bis-muth that he with-drew was the size of his thumb, which was a bit larg-er than Alas-si''s thumb, and more than enough for Sobon to work with. But as he re-placed the ma-son-ry and held it up to the light to look at the col-ors that shined off of it, he spoke slow-ly, and again, Sobon found the man''s voice to be... sub-dued.


    "I was first told of the ex-is-tence of the spir-its when I was a very young boy," he said. "In truth, even when I look back on my life, I do not see any places where their guid-ance has led me astray. And yet, af-ter you have so firm-ly dis-missed the con-cept of be-ing led by the spir-its, I be-gan to won-der. Per-haps they did not lead me astray, but did they lead me to the best fu-ture I could have had?"


    "What was sur-pris-ing was that when I be-gan to think like that, they be-came up-set." Kibar low-ered the bis-muth and turned, then tossed it to Sobon, who caught it out of the air, and took a mo-ment to study the sam-ple with her eyes and sens-es. It was def-i-nite-ly large and pure enough, al-though there was some kind of large im-pu-ri-ty with-in the crys-tal. "Since then, I feel... dis-placed. I am not sure that I un-der-stand." A mo-ment or two af-ter fin-ish-ing that sen-tence, Kibar added a tiny spir-i-tu-al pulse, to sug-gest an end-of-sen-tence be-yond what was im-plied--that he was done speak-ing and ac-tu-al-ly ask-ing a ques-tion.


    Sobon took it in stride, putting the sam-ple away in her space ring. "I think you''ll find the an-swer un-sat-is-fy-ing. You be-gan be-liev-ing in mean-ing and pur-pose, but you have en-coun-tered some-thing that has no mean-ing and no pur-pose. Spir-its have a dif-fer-ent per-spec-tive, but they are still..." Sobon had to con-sult briefly with Alas-si to find a word that had the right con-no-ta-tions to con-vey what she meant. "...peo-ple. They have faults and flaws, and es-pe-cial-ly, they have emo-tions. They can be hurt, and they can be shal-low. Their per-spec-tive and their na-ture can let them lead peo-ple, if that''s what they want to do. But some-times, it isn''t what they want, ei-ther be-cause that is not their na-ture, or be-cause they are hurt or dis-tressed and sim-ply stop want-i-ng to. That hurt is not pur-pose or mean-ing. It is, sim-ply..." Sobon again searched for a word. "...vul-ner-a-bil-i-ty."


    "Vul-ner-a-bil-i-ty." Kibar''s voice had just a touch of bit-ter-ness. "That is a rea-son...?"


    "Rea-son is not mean-ing or pur-pose, sir Kibar." Then, tak-ing a bit of a gam-ble, she fetched the sam-ple out again. "Let''s talk about bis-muth. You won-der what its mean-ing and pur-pose is? In truth, it has none. In-stead of mean-ing or pur-pose, bis-muth has prop-er-ties. Once you un-der-stand its prop-er-ties, it ceas-es to be mere-ly a flawed, brit-tle met-al." She moved the sam-ple in her fin-ger and raised her hand as though to fore-stall an ob-jec-tion, al-though Kibar didn''t seem to be rais-ing one. "I won''t pre-tend that your spir-i-tu-al guide is lit-tle more than a tool, the way that even the best of ma-te-ri-als is only a tool. Peo-ple that think of oth-er peo-ple like that are of-ten un-kind and un-de-serv-ing."


    "In-stead, the fact that I un-der-stand bis-muth is what will let me give it pur-pose, where you could not. And that is part of why I don''t trust your ''spir-its.''" Idly, pro-ject-ing an aether pat-tern around the bis-muth crys-tal, she re-moved the im-pu-ri-ties and the ox-ide lay-er, re-shap-ing what re-mained into a small-er, sol-id cube. The im-pu-ri-ties and ox-ides she let fall to the floor at her feet. "I''ve been led by peo-ple who un-der-stand noth-ing be-fore. I''ve been a sol-dier, and be-ing led is how be-ing the mil-i-tary works. That will al-ways be a large part of who I am."


    "The sense I got from your so-called spir-it is one that didn''t know and didn''t care about my his-to-ry or my fu-ture. I would be-lieve it meant well, but that doesn''t mat-ter if it doesn''t un-der-stand. I will not sim-ply be a pret-ty piece of crys-tal held by some-one who doesn''t un-der-stand."


    It wasn''t un-til Sobon spoke that it re-al-ly oc-curred to him, the for-mer Cy-borg, that he was re-al-ly now a she, a woman, in a world that seemed to ex-pect cer-tain things from women. The pret-ty shop-keep-ing girls that were sim-ply dec-o-ra-tions for their store-fronts came to mind, as well as Xoi Xam and Rai Su Anin. Sobon had known, of course--Alas-si''s own fu-ture had been ru-ined by a sex-ist bas-tard who want-ed to black-mail her into sub-mis-sion. But it was still a very dis-tant thought that peo-ple were look-ing at her, Sobon, with those same eyes. Or, it had been.


    The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.


    Kibar had said he want-ed to talk with a pret-ty woman. Sobon had rec-og-nized it as flirt-ing, but not put it into con-text, not least be-cause Kibar hadn''t turned out to be any kind of scum. A fool, per-haps, and a fool who Sobon now re-al-ized was ac-tive-ly search-ing for a wife, and who still har-bored some hopes that Alas-si would be it.


    Once again, Sobon found that she tru-ly hat-ed be-ing a flesh and blood thing. What she wouldn''t give to re-place her body with suit-able pros-thet-ics, carv-ing away all of those ugly bits of bi-ol-o-gy that cared so damned much about re-pro-duc-tion and re-plac-ing them with weapons, data-bas-es, gen-er-a-tors, tools. She fought the urge to show her ugly feel-ings on her face, though she couldn''t quite stop the stress and tense-ness from reach-ing her fea-tures.


    "And you, sir Kibar," she added, as new feel-ings rolled through her, "I do not be-lieve that you will ever un-der-stand me, but even if you could, I would be un-in-ter-est-ed in try-ing. I have work to do, and I do not be-lieve you will ever be a part of it."


    The fi-nal-i-ty of her words did strike some-thing in Kibar, and al-though she soft-ened her exit with "Thank you" and some oth-er mol-li-fy-ing words, byt he time Sobon walked out of the man''s room, she could tell that he had tak-en the com-plete re-jec-tion for what it was.


    When Sobon re-turned home, she was in no mood to an-swer Mian''s ques-tions, al-though she re-tained enough good na-ture to apol-o-gize and sched-ule a bet-ter time. Mian, too, fac-tored into things; Sobon stud-ied the man, who was still smit-ten by Alas-si, but he also seemed like he was will-ing to move on and look for an-oth-er woman, not in-ter-est-ed in Sobon and will-ing to ad-mit that Alas-si her-self was all but gone.


    In-stead of en-gag-ing with those thoughts di-rect-ly, Sobon spent the rest of the day and night in her hid-den base-ment, as-sem-bling the spir-i-tu-al sen-sors, form-ing di-a-mond an-ten-nas, bis-muth de-tec-tors, and crude brass sup-ports, then as-sem-bling a sec-ond full set with dif-fer-ent an-ten-na tun-ings. At the very least, none of this work re-quired Sobon to ex-per-i-ment; it was fair-ly stan-dard Crestan gear, and she had craft-ed sim-i-lar out of spare parts and garbage on a mis-sion be-fore. With the aether rou-tine data-base pro-vid-ed by the Coro-na mak-ing up for her own lost data-base, she sim-ply had to grind through the math and cre-ate the struc-tures ac-cord-ing-ly.


    Even so, the sun was al-ready ris-ing when Sobon had got-ten to the point where she could be-gin script-ing a dif-fer-en-tial sig-nal ma-trix that con-nect-ed the two de-tec-tors. A DSM Scan-ner was a half-pas-sive sen-sor, mean-ing that it was still de-tectable by the spir-i-tu-al-ly at-tuned, but its aether sig-na-ture was much, much small-er than any ac-tive sen-sor. That wouldn''t like-ly stop the Di-a-mond Lord, or any-one else, from notic-ing that they were be-ing ob-served, but they shouldn''t be able to tell from which di-rec-tion, not as long as Sobon wasn''t us-ing any ac-tive pow-ers to pierce shield-ing.


    The DSM script it-self, though, was com-plex enough that Sobon couldn''t en-grave it in a morn-ing, and she had promised Mian to speak af-ter break-fast. So she set aside the work, join-ing the oth-ers for their meal.


    "You seem up-set," Ki''el said. "You have been ever since you re-turned."


    Sobon just nod-ded. "I am fine. I was... re-mind-ed. That I am not who I used to be, and that I have to deal with the same things every-one else does. In this case... with how peo-ple view women."


    Both Lui and Ki''el flinched in sym-pa-thy at that, al-though Sobon wasn''t ex-pect-ing it of Lui. Then again, from the few con-ver-sa-tions she''d had since Lui had start-ed grow-ing up again, if that was the right way to phrase it, the girl was not as naive as she had been, and had be-gun re-flect-ing on what she''d seen when she was younger. Al-though she seemed too young to re-al-ly un-der-stand what the men at the inn had want-ed or in-tend-ed when they were be-ing crude and crass... per-haps it was right that she was learn-ing while she was young, and not dis-cov-er-ing these things when she was of age, and al-ready in the line of fire. No, put that way, of course that was right.


    If Sobon had her way--his way--he would have equipped both Lui and Ki''el with plas-ma can-nons, just in case, but that wasn''t the way of things on any world. Still, Sobon en-joyed the thought.


    "It was for-tu-nate-ly noth-ing, and noth-ing should come of it," Sobon clar-i-fied af-ter a mo-ment. "But I..." She searched for words, un-sure of ex-act-ly what she want-ed to say. "I would much pre-fer to be a war-rior with-out sex or gen-der. That is who I was, be-fore, and it''s still who I am in-side. I have no in-ter-est in nav-i-gat-ing peo-ple''s ex-pec-ta-tions, and their in-ter-est gains me noth-ing. It is noth-ing but an ir-ri-tat-ing dis-trac-tion."


    Ki''el nod-ded firm-ly at that, al-though Lui seemed like she didn''t quite agree. Mian, per-haps not hav-ing en-coun-tered these thoughts be-fore, was look-ing be-tween the three of them as though try-ing to get a read on the sub-text that he was miss-ing.


    Ki''el spoke up af-ter a mo-ment of si-lence. "I do not think that it is wrong to be a woman, and I do not think that I will mind be-ing a moth-er some day, but I in-tend to live my life as a sword. Un-til I find some-one I... ac-cept," she added some sub-text to that word that Sobon didn''t feel any need or de-sire to un-tan-gle, "I would not wish for any-one else to pre-tend to be-ing close with me. These things that the Djang call beau-ty are shack-les, and I will nev-er ac-cept them.


    Lui seemed un-com-fort-able, and Mian more-so, but Sobon just nod-ded. "There will be those who do not un-der-stand, but there is no need to con-cern your-self with that, not un-til and un-less they in-tend vi-o-lence. Just be aware that those peo-ple do ex-ist, and you may need to fight or flee in or-der to sur-vive."


    Ki''el nod-ded at that, and Mian stepped into the qui-et. "Ki''el... I agree that no one should force you to be any-thing you are not. But I don''t see beau-ty as a shack-le."


    Lui nod-ded em-phat-i-cal-ly at that. "It''s not!" She protest-ed. "Beau-ti-ful peo-ple are... beau-ty is..."


    Sobon wait-ed to see what she had to say, but when she seemed not to find a way for-ward, Sobon spoke up. "My peo-ple would say it is a mat-ter of [gen-der]," she said, trans-mit-ting the word''s in-tent when she felt like the lo-cal lan-guage didn''t quite con-vey it. "Gen-der is a spir-i-tu-al qual-i-ty that isn''t sim-ply about your flesh. Peo-ple''s souls res-onate with peo-ple of sim-i-lar minds, and re-ject those who are in-com-pat-i-ble, and gen-der is a foun-da-tion of that, some-thing prim-i-tive and in-her-ent. If some-one asked me, or Ki''el, to be-come ''women'' in the sense of be-ing... beau-ti-ful, sub-mis-sive peo-ple, like many we''ve seen in this city, it would be no dif-fer-ent than ask-ing the same of Mian, or Lord Shi-da, or Tuli. They would be ask-ing us to res-onate with in-com-pat-i-ble peo-ple and in-com-pat-i-ble ideals."


    "But at the same time," Sobon spoke up as both Mian and Lui seemed like they want-ed to protest, "we can''t ask you not ac-cept beau-ty, be-cause the beau-ty you see draws you to-wards peo-ple like you. If we asked you to re-ject what you felt and what you want-ed, to be-come like us, you would find few peo-ple ''here'' that are like you. You would only find peo-ple like ''us''." She nod-ded at Ki''el, who was watch-ing her with a rapt look on her face.


    "I don''t think beau-ty is an in-com-pat-i-ble ide-al with be-ing a pow-er-ful war-rior," Mian protest-ed. "I be-lieve that a pow-er-ful woman can look how-ev-er she likes. There is no rea-son why pow-er and sex can-not go hand in hand."


    Lui, for her part, was con-flict-ed, and mum-bling some-thing about ''beau-ty'' and ''spir-i-tu-al'' as she tried to wrap her mind around the com-plex-i-ties of what Sobon had said.


    Sobon just shook her head. "Mian, and Lui, and Ki''el... I can tell you for cer-tain that we could spend weeks or years try-ing to find the ex-act words to ex-plain how we feel. The truth is that there is a truth. It is not writ-ten in stone; our feel-ings are im-per-fect, and they can change. But my per-son-al feel-ings are that my gen-der, and my sex, should not mat-ter ex-cept if and when I choose for them to mat-ter. But the peo-ple who dress their daugh-ters up and have them stand for hours in their shops to at-tract cus-tomers are say-ing that those girls'' gen-der and sex al-ways mat-ters. That they should al-ways be aware of their sex, and should al-ways be act-ing in a way that is de-ter-mined by their sex. That is what is of-fen-sive."


    "If some-day, I em-brac-ing be-ing a woman--and I have some doubt that I ever will--but if I do, it will be no one else''s con-cern. And if I am re-born a man, next time, I will be of-fend-ed if peo-ple tell me that my be-ing a man mat-ters, just as I''m of-fend-ed when peo-ple tell me be-ing a woman mat-ters. I am nei-ther man nor woman." Sobon put down the dish with the last of her break-fast. "I am only Sobon."


    The oth-er three con-sid-ered those words, with Ki''el be-ing the least per-turbed of the three. But Sobon, see-ing that Mian was thor-ough-ly dis-tract-ed, de-cid-ed to just go back to her base-ment work-shop. The whole con-ver-sa-tion was ir-ri-tat-ing; nec-es-sary, but ir-ri-tat-ing. Most-ly, it just re-mind-ed Sobon that there was an-oth-er whole world out there, one full of peo-ple and lives that she had nev-er ex-pe-ri-enced. It wasn''t as though she didn''t want--and hadn''t want-ed, past tense--more friends, who lived in-ter-est-ing lives filled with col-ors, and gen-ders, and oth-er in-ter-est-ing things. And for all she knew, if she ever had a chance to ex-plore the world, if things were at peace and she wasn''t tasked with dis-man-tling a world-end-ing dis-as-ter, she might fall in love or... or oth-er-wise, be-come some-thing she def-i-nite-ly isn''t right now, and has nev-er been.


    But she''d be damned if she was go-ing to let some-one ma-nip-u-late her into some bull-shit, and that was all she was ex-pect-ing from this world. Even on Crest, when she looked at her peers she saw re-la-tions that start-ed on ac-ci-dent and end-ed in tears. She wasn''t go-ing to get tan-gled up, not now, and maybe not ever. She just couldn''t af-ford to.