I lift more of my shirt and find two slugs that have made it to my chest, one on each tricep, and I feel the teeth of a slug on the nap of my neck. Each one is filled with blue gas. A closer look shows that the gas is clouds filled with sparks of electricity ricocheting inside them. I now know this is my soul.
RYE
What the hell, man?! Why am I
covered in these damn leeches?
KURT
Slugs, technically.
RYE
Slugs don''t suck the souls out of people.
KURT
And leeches aren''t made of glass,
but these slugs are. Come on, get on the same page.
RYE
Okay, whatever, it''s...
just get them off me.
KURT
Can''t do that until you make
a decision to buy something.
RYE
I don''t want anything. Well, not from here.
Even then, I don''t know what kind of
frying pan I want. I mean, look at me.
How can I make a decision?
KURT
With life-threatening pressure fueling your choice.
RYE
That''s not how it should be.
KURT
Too bad, that''s how it works.
RYE
And why? I don''t get why my life is on the line.
Kurt floats down to me. He gets right at my eye level and stares into them. They say the eyes are a window to the soul. I see in his gorgeous eyes, and I mean gorgeous, like baby jewels. I see a tired soul. One who has pushed for so long. Why is he so exhausted? What does he do other than sit on the stool? I bet all he sees is my soul being slurped up in like ramen broth.
His voice matches his soul. He doesn''t want to be the one to deliver this news to me but has to. I guess no matter if it''s reality or fantasy, a retail worker is left with the work no one else wants to do.
KURT
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
The amount of people who can see this
aisle on this planet is minuscule in the grand
scheme of things. In this town, shit, it''s barely anyone.
So, my sales are a bit low. Corporate doesn''t
like that. It''s a precaution we adopted
to boost our numbers.
RYE
This is extortion.
KURT
It works.
RYE
Is my life really worth your job?
KURT
I gotta eat.
RYE
Fine, I''ll just, uh, get the grail.
I''ll return it afterward, and we will--
KURT
No can do. If you return the item within 40 days
of purchase, those slugs reappear and
suck that soul right out of your body.
RYE
UGHHHHHH, FINE. How long do
I have to return the item and not get slugs?
KURT
Store policy is we don''t
accept returns after 40 days.
RYE
Of course, of course! Fine, fine,
I''ll just get something. I''ll just...
I go silent for a moment. My eyes bounce around the shelves as each item is weirder than the last. "Eye of blind gorgons," "Tax Evasion for Dragons," a juicer that claims it can juice anything with "anything" in big, bold letters.
KURT
You freeze?
RYE
I''m thinking.
KURT
About what?
RYE
It''s a lot of choices.
KURT
It''s an aisle full of mystical items. Pick something.
RYE
It''s not that easy.
KURT
Easy?
RYE
I mean, look at this, it''s a box of
toothpicks that double as lie detectors.
KURT
Yeah, if whoever is using it lies, the gaps
in their teeth fill with more food. It''s hilarious,
and people use it to make infinite food.
RYE
That''s not the problem. They cost $300!
KURT
It''s infinite food!
RYE
Infinite food from my teeth.
I gag at the thought of last night''s Cacio e Pepe growing in my teeth, all that pasta, cheese, and chicken sprouting. How do people even save that food? I need to stop thinking, or I am going to vomit.
RYE
Look this... this is all amazing, but the
cost is too high just to pick something.
KURT
But it''s worth every penny.
RYE
It''s just not that easy. I have rent. This box alone will put
me in the hole. Then what if I lose it or
someone discovers it. Am I responsible for that?
Will secret magic police hunt me down for revealing magic?
KURT
Breath kid. You''re overthinking it.
RYE
There is no overthinking it. That is how
my head works. Before you can finish a sentence,
my mind shoots out a thousand thoughts.
I think out every way this can go good or
screw me over. I can''t shut it down.
So stop saying it''s easy.
KURT
It is. Pick something so you don''t die.
RYE
Its... Woah, I feel like I''m gonna pass out.
The room spins as my vision in one eye blurs. Every word he says feels slower. The room is freezing, but I''m sweating gallons. My knees ache. These slugs are really doing their job.
KURT
No, you''re dying! I just said that. Look, what''s
going on? Why can''t you pick something?
Usually, people would jump at this opportunity,
and you''re here just... flailing about.
RYE
I''m zoned out on a roller coaster...
my mind won''t focus even though
it''s going erratic. I can''t just make a decision.
KURT
It''s not a rollercoaster. This is a
store way less stress.
Well, except for the slu--
I hit the floor.