Chapter 59: Sleep


    "Right now, all we have is time to kill. Sierra is a couple of days before we even know how much


    recovery she''s going to need. It may be weeks before either of you are unbound. For now, we need to


    spread this among the pack and let them decide whose side they are on. Hybrids have always been a


    secret, and now their leaders are mixes of the enemies they hold within them. The pack needs to know


    everything, and after, those who are still here, and choose to stay, they can''t ever hold it against any of


    us again…. we are who we are." Meadow gets up and stands beside Colton, turning to the rest of the


    pack and drawing my eve back across the room at them from my horizontal position. What she says


    makes perfect sense and yet it''s utterly terrifying.


    Outing everything to the rest of the pack. Telling them what I am, what he is, what they are, and


    opening all out andying it bare for them to choose which side they want to follow. We may lose


    everyone. There has never been an outpouring of such honesty among this pack for decades under


    Juan''s rule. Some may not want to ept the truth.


    "We give them a choice and until my mom wakes up, to make a decision. Stay and ept me and


    Alora or go back to the mountain to my dad, whom they might deem their true alpha if they think I''m


    impure. From now on, no more secrets. We let the Shaman teach what he knows to be true in the


    school hall, and whoever wants to know can join in." Colton''s voice is hoarse, a husky undertone of


    fatigue, and he rubs his hand over the back of his neck, rolling his shoulders before exhaling heavily. A


    sign he''s stressing about this choice, but he knows it''s inevitable. His intentions are the right thing, but


    much like me, there''s apprehension in him and a fear the pack will up and leave when they know what


    he is. What I am.


    "Let''s get to it at first light. We can split up and project on small groups at a time, let them pass it on.


    Won''t take long to cover the whole pack and spread the memories. That gives us the whole day to get


    through all of them, but right now, we should all sleep. We''ve had a long night and the new patrols are


    out doing the walks already. We need rest." Meadow ps her hands to get everyone up, and the air of


    heavy mood and simmering anger at the lies they were drip fed their whole life is evident in the smog


    around them. It''s thick, and dense, like I could cut it with a knife.


    The subs are angry, hurt, confused, but one thing is clear. It didn''t change the loyalty, or love, within


    any one of them and through all of the emotions swirling in this room, one stands out the strongest. The


    unity and devotion they have for one another. The sense of solidarity, that any one of them are one


    hundred percent behind Colton with whatever he wants to do. That''s a real pack, that''s the bond of


    family, and I know I''m not officially one of them, but they make me feel as though I am. They''re my


    pack, no matter what happens with Colton, they''re not going to lose me for a second time. I need these


    people.


    One by one they stand and begin to shuffle out of the room, some of the boys stopping to fist bump


    Colton on the way by in that very bro way they have with one another, they wave my way, and I sit up


    properly, pulling myself to the edge of the bed to stand ,and find out where I''m meant to go, but


    Colton''s voice in my head stills me.


    Stay put. You look beat and need the rest. This room is fine, and no one wille in here without my


    say so. His voice inside my head, always that aching wave of intimacy, and yet sorrow, and all I can do


    is nod his way and avoid direct eye contact. I''m too fatigued for more emotional head mess and his lips


    are still lingering on mine from his kiss earlier, tingling softly, reminding me that when ites to him,


    I''m stupidly weak, especially when I''m this tired.


    I flop back down, d I don''t have to now find the energy to go anywhere, but at the same time, I feel a


    little disorientated at the thought of staying here by myself. I''ve been alone for weeks, knowing only the


    solitude, and sounds of nature, and the wilds. Now here I am, thrust back into civilization and tossed


    around for thest twenty-four hours in a bizarre and noisy manner and I haven''t really had a moment


    to relimatize, or even catch my breathe. It''s all a muddled mess of crazy, and now with the


    opportunity to lie back and let it sink in, it seems terrifying. I''m sort of depending on theirpany to


    keep me sane, and stop my mind from wandering, and I''m not sure I want to be alone anymore. I think


    I had my fill of it in the forests, the reminder of the never-ending loneliness I experienced, and I stop


    him as he goes to leave.


    "Where will you be?" I sound as desperate as I feel, blurting out a dying tactic and I scold myself for


    the neediness. I guess I feel out of whack and set adrift now all my ns were upended, and life got


    completely side-tracked. And having no answers, and no direction, other than just waiting, is like having


    the rug pulled out from under you. It feels awful and he''s been the constant, stable, wise words, knows


    what he''s doing, in all of this. Right from day one that in this moment, I need it.


    "Across the hall in the infirmary with my mom. You can have this room until we figure things out. If you


    need me, then link me, and I''lle back." He throws me that sexy, genuine smile, his voice low, and


    fading, because he too is exhausted.


    "This is your room?" I nche, wondering why the alpha of the pack isn''t upstairs in a grand suite like


    is normal within a pack manor. Now I also feel guilty, that I''m taking his bed when he needs it, and also


    a little worried that he''s setting me up in his room because he might think he can wear me down and


    start something in time.


    "Yeah, space is at a premium with a lot of families needing bigger rooms. It wouldn''t have been right to


    monopolize one when I can put a bed in here and double up themunal and my room. It''s not like I


    sleep in here much, plus, with all the building work out back as they construct small homes, we''ll soon


    move a lot of the pack out into the forest we''re clearing behind us. This is all temporary while we get


    this ce capable of being our permanent home. You need it more than I do." It all sounds so usible


    and logical, and I can''t help gazing at who he''s be, seeing him somehow in a new light.


    In just a few weeks he''s grown so much, and the needs of his people have taken the forefront of his


    priorities, as they should. There''s a new level of serious, andmanding, to him, a hint of mature


    beyond his years, and all it does is weigh me down heavily. Liking this about him, and all that does is


    make it hurt more. Colton really is everything I would ever want in a mate, and it just kills me, ripping


    my insides apart that he gave up on me.


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    I nce at the window as though trying to see out into the darkness at the building work being carried


    out, but really, it''s an excuse to break away from the way his eyes are holding me hostage and I''m


    suddenly on the verge of stupid tears. The burning intensity of them pooling in my eyes and I have to


    swallow hard and blink them away to regain control. That same lingering needing from him that


    gnaws at my soul constantly, and I lose my courage, sounding feeble, and weak, as I utter a few words


    breathlessly.


    "I could use something to sleep in." I hesitate, knowing fine well it''s a lie and I could strip off, but


    something in me just doesn''t want him to leave yet, even if it''s just prolonging the agony and making


    me feel worse. Since I came back, we haven''t really separated properly for any length of time, and now


    I''m experiencing some crazy anxiety about him leaving when I feel like there''s so much still left unsaid,


    unresolved. He''s the anchor in my boat, and I''m on a stormy sea. I need to break this dependency on


    him if I''m to survive here from now on.


    The whole Carmen thing, his saying he still wants us, his kissing me outside, Sierra, the doctor… the


    future. It''s all too big for me to handle, or think about, and my brain is scared that letting him leave will


    open a damn in my brain I have no energy to deal with. He already has me teetering on emotional


    break down with tears threatening to push out.


    "The middle cupboard has everything you need. I wasn''t about to leave any part of you behind because


    I wasn''t going to rest until we found you. Sweet dreams, baby." What he says confuses me enough to


    distract mepletely; screwing my face up in confusion and as he walks out the door. Too focused on


    discovery and already climbing off the bed to open the center oversized wooden cab to see what he


    meant by that.


    Much to my shock, every single belonging I left in my room in the manor is in here, folded neatly,


    stacked up, and waiting for me to reim it. From clothing, to shoes, to my boxes of sentimental items,


    and keepsakes. All has its ce and fits neatly in here, taking over an entire cupboard in Colton''s


    room.


    A lump forms in my throat that almost chokes me half to death, and tears sting my eyes with venom, so


    that I know I won''t be able to hold them back for long. My emotions take a sudden nosedive, and I


    cough on a sob trying to escape my throat. My hands tremble as I reach out and touch the first of my


    sweaters, my legs turning to Jell-O and a wave of lightheadedness because of my extreme reaction to


    something so basic.


    I don''t know why this gets to me so badly, but it does. The fact he took the time to pack up everything


    that was mine, so carefully, and brought it when they all left the manor together. Sure they were limited


    in time to pack, considering they were leaving under hostile terms and had to get out, yet he made sure


    he left nothing of me in that ce. It''s all here. Every single little thing that I never knew I missed until


    now. All clean, and pressed, and set in here in almost military precision. He took care of my things in


    the hopes he would bring me back here one day.


    I try and not to ponder on it, to push it out of my head and focus on a task of doing, instead of thinking.


    It''s all I can do if I don''t want to sumb to these overwhelming feelings, and all the questions about


    Carmen, about us. Starting to doubt myself and what I felt in the forest, but there''s nothing else to


    exin what that was. It had to be him marking her or betraying our bond in another way. Nothing can


    compare to the level of pain, and heartbreak, and betrayal I felt, and I should remind myself of that and


    not get lost in him as he tries to win me round. I need to stay true to the fact and ignore how much I still


    love him. How every sense, and fiber in my soul, aches to be reunited with him in even the smallest


    ways.