Chapter 191


    E


    When I return to the present, the room ispletely silent. Henry is still holding my hand, though he


    also holds a bucket in case I need te be sick. Leon is watching m? closely, as if trying to decipher my


    mental state. Gabriel, Phil!ppe and Roger look on from the doorway in a horrified hush. I hadn’t been


    wild about having them here with me during such a vulnerable time, but in the end we agreed that we


    needed as many brains on the case as possible. Besides, I’m discovering that I don’t really mind


    having so many friends on hand this really is a strange new world for me.


    “Do you want me to bring you out of the ether, E?” Leon finally asks, and I realize that he hadn’t been


    forced to give me the antidote this time. I’m still floating along under the influence of the drug, still in the


    safe embrace of the high despite the horrible things I’ve just remembered. I’m not feeling yet, not


    processing, and I don’t think I want I shake my” updated by jobnib” head in refusal, moving my


    hand to my belly. The baby reaches out to me through our bond, uncertain and afraid. Had he


    understood my fear, my helplessness? Or did all he know was that I was suffering? “Can I have


    something nice?” I request, not truly knowing what I want or need. “


    Something for the baby?”


    “I have just the thing,” Henry replies, pulling out his phone. He presses a b.utton, and then the sound of


    Sinir’s purrs fills the air. I forgot I’d sent him the recording my mate provided earlier today, but now


    I’m beyond d of it. Rafe and I instantly calm, and though longing for Sinir tugs viciously at my


    heart, I sink deeper into the plush sofa and try to lose myself in the cozy sound.


    “Anything else?” Henry inquires, stroking my hair.


    “Do we have any popsicles?”I sniffle, and for the first time I realize my cheeks are soaked with tears.


    For a moment I revel in the sensation of the salty moisture on my skin, of the burning in my eyes.


    Everything seems so different in this state, and I could spend hours exploring the feelings – if only I


    didn’t have to dig into my past as well.


    “IIl check the kitchens, and if they’re out I’ll get some.” Roger promises, slipping out of the room.


    “Let’s talk about what just happened.” Leon suggests once I’ve rxed. Of course, this is thest thing


    I want to do, now that the memory is over I want to leave it in the past where it belongs


    “Do we have to?” I inquire in a small voice, trying to disappear into the couch. Stupid sofa, my wolf


    thìnks, I want my nest, why do we keep doing this here? It’s all lumpy and there aren’t nearly enough


    pìllows Where am I supposed to be now?


    “1 thìink we should.” Leon answers gently. interrupting my inner animal. “We didn’t talk about ourst


    session because it was so distressing, but you seem to be steadier now.” He pauses, and when l don’t


    respond he continues. “I know you’re only doing this to find answers for the war, but my job isn’t the


    answers, E – it’s not even the war. My job is your mental health, it’s helping you understand and deal


    with the things we discover in a productive way.”


    “Dominic wouldn’t make me.”l counter petntly, reaching for Henry’s phone so that I can bnce the


    device on my tummy. The speaker thumps against my baby bump, the volume growing louder for my


    pup and allowing us both to feel the vibrations as if he were really here with us.


    “I’m not sure that’s true, little mother.” Henry warns me, in that paternal voice that both warms my soul


    and annoys my wolf for being bossy.


    “I’ve been doing fine without this warlock’s help.”


    I argue instead, and I hear Gabriel smother a snort ofughter.


    You tell him. My wolf encourages. Nosey wolf.


    Remind him that our mate could k!ll him with no more than his little finger if he wanted.


    “Have you really?” Leon questions, not seeming the least bit bothered by my insult. “Just because you


    didn’t remember these things, it doesn’t mean they weren’t hurting you – affecting the way you interact


    with the world.”


    “We don’t have time for this.” I insist. “I understand you want to help, but I’m more concerned with


    finding out who these priests are, why they keep turning up in my past.”


    “So you aren’t bothered by the fact that you k!lled those men?” Leon prods curiously. “Did you know


    you were capable of such violence before, even in self defense? Did you imagine you would have such


    a sk!ll for it?”


    His words slice through me, and suddenly it feels as though I have ice in my veins. I did k!ll those men.


    I took their lives without a second thought, and with no remorse. They’d deserved it.. hadn’t they? They


    were going to hurt me, r*pe me, sell me like chattel… but that doesn’t change the fact that I murdered


    them. It’s because of me that they no longer exist on this earth. Did they have families?


    People who mourned them? Children I rendered fatherless – no! Stop this, it won’t do any good.


    “Talking about it won’t change the past.” I insist. “


    It’s done.


    “You don’t think it’s worth exploring all the things you suffered because you didn’t have your wolf to


    protect yourself, or because you were trying to protect the people you love?” Leon presses, and my


    frustration grows. “If it were me I think I’d feel very angry with those priests for taking my magic from


    me, for standing by and just watching as those men assaulted me.”


    “But it wasn’t you!” I snap, more fiercely than I intended. I’m outraged to realize how furious I am, just


    as he says. Still, Ish my anger at him, rather than acknowledging the truth of his words “They


    assaulted me, the priests took my wolf. Stop presuming to know how I feel.”


    “So tell me.” Leon provokes, “tell me how you feel, E, and I won’t presume.


    Roger returns then, and I hear the glorious crinkling of a popsicle wrapper. I ept the cold sweet


    eagerly, rejoicing as the vors explode on my tongue. “Oh my goddess, this is the best thing I’ve ever


    tasted.” I know it’s the ether talking, but even that awareness slips away a minuteter when neon-


    colored visions of frOZen desserts appear on the ceiling above my head. While I get lost in the


    hallucination, I hear the others continue to talk.


    The King sighs, and to my surprise, he speaks up in my defense. “Leon, I hate to say it because I know


    you were against haūing such arge audience in the first ce, but if this is going to turn into a true


    therapy session then the rest of us probably shouldn’t be here. As you said. that’s not really why we


    came to you. If E doesn’t want to do the work, you can’t force her.”


    “I’m just trying to take care of my patient.” Leon defends, sounding resigned. It’s not safe or responsible


    to uncover these sorts of traumas with someone – only to cut out and leave them to deal with it on their


    own. It would be like a doctor performing surgery and then never doing any post-op checks or physical


    therapy. If E wants these answers, she needs to face them afterwards, not just ignore them.”


    “I understand.” The King agrees, “And you’re right, but these aren’t regr circ.umstances.”


    “She’s been through a lot.” Henry adds, “And she’s dealing with a lot now. I have to admit I worry what


    might happen if you start digging into all this when she’s under so much stress as it is”


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    “The digging is already done.” Leon corrects him “


    These things aren’t just going to go away. Do any of you know how she’s actually been coping since


    the first session? How she’s been feeling?”


    “You know I can hear you.”I pipe up, suddenly very conscious of Phil!ppe opening his mouth and


    worried he’ll rat me out about my nightmares. “I’m not a child and I might be high but you don’t have to


    talk about me as if I’m not here. It’s very patronizing” I continue savoring my popsicle as I forge on. “I’m


    pretty sure I’ve already made my feelings on this clear – and I’m the patient, so it’s my choice.”


    “Fine.” Leon concedes, sounding annoyed and exasperated. “But mark my words, you’re courting


    disaster.” He strides over to me, and I blink up at the grumpy therapist. “E I hope you’ll call me to talk


    when youe down from the ether. You can call me any time, when you’re ready I’ll be waiting” He


    departs without another word, and I look around at the gloomy faces of the remaining men.


    “So what do we think?” Roger asks after a moment.


    “What was that memory all about? Why would servants of the Goddess do such a thing?”


    “They were testing her.” Henry concludes grimly.


    “Testing her for what?” Gabriel replies sounding confused.


    “To see if she was worthy? If she could survive?”


    Henry suggests, not sounding particrly confident with these exnations. “Perhaps to see if she was


    ready.”


    “For what?” The King presses.


    “I have no idea, but I can tell you if they ever turn up again, I’m going to have some words for them.”


    Henry snarls.


    “Do you think there’s more? More memories like this?” Gabriel questions then.


    Henry sounds about as enthusiastic as an executioner signing a death warrant. “I hate to say it, but Im


    afraid there are.”