Chapter 179


    E


    I’ve never really done drugs. I experimented in college like most people, and I’ve partaken at a few


    parties over the years, but nothing in my limited experience prepared me for the ether. As soon as Leon


    injects it, I immediately feel it taking control.


    The room around me bes sharper and more blurred, the walls seeming to vibrate with energy. I


    close my eyes against the strange visual stimuli, and a kaleidoscope of color explodes to life against


    my eyelids, filling the ck void with light. I feel lighter than air, oddly euphoric, and my already sharp


    wolf senses be even more vivid. In some ways my body feels very far away, yet in others, I can’t


    help but revel in the feeling of the sofa’s cloth against my skin, or the new notes I detect in the distant


    chime of bells in the city.


    “How are you feeling, E?” Leon inquires, and even his voice sounds different, deeper and more


    complex.


    “High.” I admit honestly, peeking my eyes open again and marveling at the way the painting on the wall


    in front of me seems to be moving.


    “That’s normal.” Leon says, nodding. “Is it a rxed high or an overwhelming one?”


    I pause before answering, feeling as though my brain is on a dy. “It’s a little overwhelming.” I admit,


    checking in on the corner of my mind inhabited by my wolf. She’s sprawling peacefully, free of the


    aggression and anxiety that consumed her a few minutes ago. Instead her tongue rolls from her mouth


    as she stretches and enjoys the sensations flowing through us, even rolling over and rubbing herself


    against the ground.


    I don’t need any exnation for my wolf’s behavior, because I feel the samenguidfort and ease.


    My thoughts are quiet, but my body is buzzing with sensation. I snuggle deeper into the cushions,


    wishing I was in my nest. I consider asking to move – everything there is so much softer and nicer – but


    somewhere in the back of my head I’m aware that this wondrous state of mind is probably going to be


    undone by the therapy ahead. I don’t want to ruin my safe space by letting something bad happen


    there. Still, I’m so busy thinking about my lovely nest that I forget I was supposed to be answering a


    question.


    Wracking my brain to recall what Leon had asked, I say, “But I feel a lot calmer than I did a minute


    ago.”


    “Good. Let’s go ahead and get started.” Leon proposes, leaning back in his seat. “Think back for me


    E, what’s the first thing you can remember of your life?”


    “I don’t remember a lot.” I confess, preupying myself by running my hand over my baby bump.


    Not distinctly at least. My childhood is kind of a blur, small shes and an understanding of things that


    happened, but few scenes that I can recreate in my head, you know?”


    The wordse forth much more easily than I can ever remember happening in the past. Normally


    talking about my childhood is like pulling teeth, dragging the thoughts out of my mind to form stilted


    words and iplete sentences. I don’t mention that the scenesI do recall in high definition are the


    ones I want to remember least, the things that scarred me so badly a single sound smell can take me


    right back to that ce. “The earliest thing was probably hunger. My sister crying because of how badly


    her stomach and head hurt, and me trying to sneak into the kitchens in the middle of the night to find


    something for her to eat.”


    “How old were you then?” Leon inquires curiously.


    “Maybe four?” I guess, “old enough to have figured out how to sneak out of our dorm, but young


    enough that I hadn’t figured out picking locks yet.


    When I got to the kitchen my n fell apart because it was locked, and then I was caught by the


    custodian.”


    “What happened when you were caught?” Leon presses, taking me deeper into the memory.


    My high transcends to a new realm then, and it feels as though a door is opening in my mind. I’m not


    sure I like it – strange feelings rush in, embodying themselves throughout my body in a way that I don’t


    understand. I’m not used to feeling emotions – normally I just think them, aware that/they exist, but


    unable to manifest thempletely. It’s almost as if they’re trapped in a ss disy case.. or they


    were. Now the ss is shattered around my feet and a lifetime of wants and hurtse teetering out. I


    try to clench my hands into fists, but I only seed with one, the other squeezes Henry’s hand in a


    death grip. He moves his free hand to envelop mine from both sides, reminding me that I’m not alone


    without saying a word.


    I s.uck in a deep breath, and the tightness in my c.hest eases slightly. I was about to say that I don’t


    remember, but I realize that isn’t true. For the first time, I’m able to follow this memory past being


    caught. “He reported me, and the next day I was put in the punishment box.”


    “What is the punishment box?” Leon asks, sounding concerned.


    “That’s just what we called it as kids.” I sigh. “It was where they put young children who misbehaved:


    this tiny room in the bas.ement, with no lights and no windows. They’d lock us inside and leave us in


    the cramped darkness for hours and hours. There was no food or water, no contact to the outside


    world. The longest I ever spent there was two days.”


    “Did anyone outside of the orphanage know?”


    Henry questions, sounding suspiciously like his son had when I shared the a.buse I suffered with him –


    like a man determined to find the people responsible and destroy them.


    “The children weren’t ever really allowed to interact with people from the outside. Sometimes parents


    woulde to see if there were children they wanted to adopt, but we were always told to be on our


    best behavior- to be seen and not heard.


    Cora and I always hid when they came though. We were afraid of being separated.” I exin, thinking


    deeply.


    “So you never met anyone from the outside world?”


    Leon poses, and thoughI can tell he’s trying to keep the emotion from his voice, I sense a hint of


    disappointment, as if this fact means we’re headed towards a dead end.


    “We didter.”I inform him, “After we ran away.


    And there was once.. ” I trail off, feeling as though there’s an image hovering on the edge of my


    consciousness, just out of reach. It reminds me of trying to remember a name or word that’s on the tip


    of your tongue, only this time it’s a piece of my own history.


    “Are you remembering something, E?” Leon says, full of patience.


    “I don’t… I can’t reach it.” I huff in frustration.


    “Don’t try to force it. The harder you work at it the harder it will be.” Leon coaches. “Just take


    some deep breaths for me and let the memorye to you. You were saying that you rarely met


    outsiders, and you hid when they came. So let me ask you this, if you did meet someone, why was it


    possible? When did it happen and why didn’t you hide?”


    “Because they weren’t parents.” I answer, without even trying. “And they were there for me.” I continue,


    the bluury image bing clearer in my mind. “I was eleven. It was two men in long robes, and they


    smelled so strange.” I recall. “They were tall and powerful, they gave off this energy that I didn’t


    understand but which frightened me. When I saw them, something inside of me kind of crumpled.”


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    “Keep going E. How did you know they were there for you?” Leon encourages.


    “Cora and I were getting ready for bed.” I answer, not sure where this information ising from.


    It’s almost like I’m bringing it to life only after the words are out. As soon as I say it, I can see it in my


    mind’s eye. “The head of the orphanage came into the dorm and everyone scattered. They thought it


    was he, that she’de early… ” I’m so lost in the memory that I don’t pause to exin, “I was the


    only one who stayed out and the headmaster just smiled. He told me that I must have known I had


    visitors. They took me out and I was terrified. I knew what happened when people came in the night


    and took you away. I naturally assumed they wanted to hurt me like the others… and they did, just not


    in the way I expected.”


    Henry’s hands tighten reflexively on mine, but I can’t bring myself to look at him, to see the pity in his


    eyes. “The headmaster left me alone with the men – he seemed very strange, as if in a trance.


    The men sat me down and told me they were priests of a very sacred order. They said… they said I


    had magic in me and they needed to suppress it so I could stay hidden.” My eyes m open as the


    memoryes back to me fully. “I think… I think they took my wolf.”